OVERCOMING WEIGHT INDUCED SOCIAL ANXIETY

Written by Nyemade Boiwu (African Butterfly)

Photo by RF._.studio from Pexels

It feels as though half of the country is still abiding by strict quarantine guidelines and the other half has returned to regular living. One of the benefits of things opening back up is that it gives us the opportunity to connect with family and friends we’ve missed. A downside is that as events and gatherings become in-person again it opens the door for social anxiety to return. This is especially true as we head into the New Year. Its great thinking about connecting with people but it also brings a certain level of stress.

As someone who’s on the larger end of the plus size range, navigating social settings can be interesting to say the least. Most of the time I feel like I’m both the center of attention while being invisible at the same time. There’s something unnerving about feeling like all eyes are on you whenever you walk into a room. People think that we don’t see the elbow nudges or slight nods of their heads as they try to get whoever they’re with to gawk at our size. It’s noticeable. Then, the initial wave of unwanted attention wears off, only to be replaced by a sense of invisibility. People tend to gravitate toward those they feel comfortable with, and often this does not include the largest person in the room. When they look around the room, their eyes slide right past us.

It’s like people are afraid of “catching” fatness by association — one downside of treating fatness like it’s an epidemic. As Jeannine A. Gailey writes of this phenomenon in her book, The Hyper(in)visible Fat Woman: “If a community is dealing with an epidemic, it is expected and understood that members of that community will do everything in their power to prevent the spread of the disease. It becomes a public duty, as well as a personal responsibility. However, ‘obesity’ is not a communicable disease.”

For the longest time, as much as I wanted to experience new things, I would let the stares and silence hold me back from going out. Staying home was more comfortable. It was my “safe space” free from judgmental eyes and stares. As you can imagine, the more I stayed in, the harder it became to go out at all. I felt myself changing from an active, on-thego person to a complete homebody. It didn’t help that I was already living with depression and anxiety, both of which added an element of difficulty to being social, and now I found myself uninterested in socializing even when I did have the energy. Realizing that negative thoughts about my weight, rather than my depression and anxiety, more often what were stopped me from going out was the first inkling that I needed to change the way I saw myself.

After hearing Cece Olisa’s advice: “Don’t wait on your weight to live the life you want,” I was inspired, and decided to start making changes. First, I was going to make a conscious effort to start living the life I wanted. Then and there I decided to stop caring what other people think and instead do what makes me happy. It was harder than it sounds, of course, but in a way it also was just that simple. I decided it. And I did it.

Living this way has made me realize two interesting things:

1. People will talk anyway, whether I decide to care or not, and whether what they are talking about is negative or not. The thing that triggers them might be my size or it might be my fabulous outfit. When you’re fat, you’ve had enough negative experiences to justify assuming the worst, but I try to assume the best anyway. And even if it is the worst, and they really are talking about my size, I know that it’s their problem, and not mine. 2. People weren’t thinking about me nearly as much as I thought were. Of course, yes, some of the time they are thinking about me and my size, but my social anxiety had me convinced that every time I went anywhere everyone around me was talking about how big I am. I know I’m not alone in feeling caught between the extremes of being hypervisible and hyperinvisible at the same time. “Fat[ness] presents an apparent paradox because it is visible and dissected publicly; in this respect, it is hypervisible,” Gaily writes. “Fat is also marginalized and erased; in this respect, it is hyperinvisible.”

I’ve managed my social anxiety in the face of marginalization and erasure by learning not to care if people talk or stare. It’s helped me unlearn those self-conscious thoughts and stop projecting my inner feelings onto others. That invisible feeling I mentioned wasn’t me being ignored as I interpreted it. Sometimes it was actually just people going back to their business. I’d become so self-conscious about my body that I was projecting my own inner feelings onto others before they ever had a chance to prove me wrong.

As I mentioned earlier, I live with depression and general anxiety. While this can make being social difficult, there’s a difference between general anxiety and depression and social anxiety. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America social anxiety is “an intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.” My social anxiety developed out of an acute fear of how others viewed me because of my size. Not only that, I also worried about navigating my body in unknown spaces. Would all the chairs at the event have arms? Would the designated paths between tables or objects be too narrow?

According to a survey conducted by AllGo, 95% of plus size people experience anxiety when going somewhere new. So, if you’re experiencing similar feelings you’re not alone. Overcoming the anxious, fearful thoughts that were holding me back from living my best life wasn’t easy, but I know if I can, you can too.

When you feel the urge to stay home instead of joining family and friends as the world slowly returns to “normal” here are some things that I found helpful:

1. Take some deep calming breaths. I know it probably sounds cliché, but it really helps. When the negative thoughts start rushing in, stop and breathe deep and slow. This helps your nervous system calm down before the panic spirals out of control.

2. Challenge your negative thoughts. As you’re taking those deep breaths, fuel your inner voice with positive thoughts. Yes, people want you there. Yes, you’ll have a good time. Your outfit is cute and you know it! Because the truth is, even if other people ARE being rude and doing or thinking the things you’re worried about that doesn’t change the fact that you have just as much right to be there as they do!

3. Reduce the size of the commitment you’re making. I find if I tell myself that I’m going to stay exactly an hour then it doesn’t seem as daunting as if I planned to stay indefinitely. Sometimes I find I’m enjoying myself so much that I stay longer, but when I don’t feel good in a social situation, knowing I already have an exit plan helps me feel better about my decision to go. It helps me remain in control of the situation, rather than having a new experience turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy ending with me throwing my hands up and saying, “I decided to go out of my comfort zone and now look at what’s happening.”

4. When you do go out, take a moment to feel proud of yourself. Going out might not be a big deal for some people but, for those of us with social anxiety, it is, especially in a world that often erases us for the size of our bodies. So, the fact that you did it is awesome. Congratulate yourself because you deserve it.

5. Remember: The more you do it, the easier it’ll get.

I can’t say that it’s always easy, or that I don’t still have moments of self-doubt. I definitely do. However, incorporating the tips above helps me push through and come out the other side feeling proud of myself instead of stressed out and anxious. Your size doesn’t define who you are, so don’t let it control your life. You deserve to live life to the fullest. So, make sure you’re wearing your mask and practicing social distancing but don’t let your anxiety stop you from enjoying the world as things open back up!

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