Querelle 2012 by Querelle Magazine

Our Stories

~Table of Contents~ 3

Amie Maloney

A Welcome to Querelle 2012!

Zachary G

“Tick Tock”

Fraser Little

“Equal, Right? Apparently Not”

Antony Pincombe

“Chariots Up The Hill”

Chris Baulman

“Gay Bashing Story”

Antony Pincombe

*Trigger Warning - Homophobia & Physical Assault “To Know That I am Gay”

Tony Wongsiri

“The Queerphobia Safari” *Trigger Warning - Homophobia

Sophie Treneman

“My View on Equal Marriage Rights”

Vimal

“Goodbye”

Tony Wongsiri

“What Type of “GAY” Man Are You?”

Kate Alway

“Atheism & Religion in Queer Communities”

Tommy Berne

“The Legacy of Queer-Phobia”

Tony Wongsiri

“A Look At: The Clarence Valley Research Project”

Kennikoh

“The Man Who Shares My Love”

Kennikoh

“Kenni Gets Child Abused”

Kennikoh

“Jack, My First Love”

Laura Seabrook

“When Community Is Not”

Kennikoh

“Indigo Dream”

Querelle 2012 Team

“Thank You”

Jonathan Papadopoulo

“A Message from the Macquarie Queer Collective”

Alexander West

“Farwell”

Querelle 2012 Team

“Executive & Contact List”

~Note From the Publishers~ I guess every editor feels like their project is their baby. It comes with all the joyful moments – the firsts, the learning new things; and the anxiety ridden moments – the tears, the tantrums, the late nights and early mornings. When I first heard of Querelle of was extremely excited that such a great opportunity to show our queer voices was available to our community. When I was elected editor-in-chief, I was even more thrilled. Yet Querelle does not only belong to me. It belongs to the amazing combined effort of all who were involved and worked tirelessly to get this project off the ground and finish it with flying rainbow colours. I especially want to thank Alex who set us off to a great start, organising all we needed to make the magazine work; Antony, who constantly cheered us on and along with Craig who proof-read and edited our submissions with zeal and enthusiasm; Tony who tracked down submissions like a wild- eyed article bounty hunter; and Carmelo who created our amazing design. It’s been a long, hard journey, but that is what makes this all worthwhile. I hope we have managed to create a magazine that offers some hope and some inspiration to all queers and queer allies who read it. Our humble Macquarie team tried our best create as much diversity as we possibly could, to represent our whole community. I would like to thank everyone who reads this, every single one of you are a part of what makes Querelle so special. Know that I am here, thanking the world for your existence, and I appreciate you so much. All my love, Amelia “Amie”Maloney Queen Editor-in-Chief

Zachary G

Tick Tock

Tick tock. That’s it. Tick tock. Everything in my life seems to follow this simple idea. Tick. The good side. The fun times. Hope. Tock. The bad side. The boring times. Despair. Tick tock. Back and forth. Constantly. Tick tock. Over and over. With one comes the other repeatedly. Forever. Oh how this annoys me. What brought this on you might ask? Well it started with me staring at the clock in one of those boring classes. I can’t remember which one. I always fall asleep in it. I don’t know. Anyway, staring at this clock as if under a spell. I think I may have started to sway slightly in time with it. Tick tock. That would have been comical to watch. It’s just the stuff they teach goes against who I am, but to speak up would create so much trouble I would probably be better off dead. How can someone conform to the rules of a group who believe you are the devil? That is how they would act if they knew the truth. My shame. I’m straight. It makes no sense to me. Why would two guys or two girls want to get together? I just don’t see it. The idea eludes me. Considering a guy and a girl have to get other to, you know, continue the species. Wouldn’t it be easier if guys and girls just got together? That is how I feel. I would rather have a gentle, delicate girl in my arms than a rugged, strong man, who generally have powerful sex drives. I mean, sure, men are great and all but it isn’t for me. But those are the rules. I have seen straight people getting bashed before. The homonormativity that seems to rule this school, this suburb, gesh, even the country, is so blind to what true happiness is. Tock. Well as I said, I was sitting, swaying to the rhythmic pulses created by the second hand on the clock with no idea what is happening around me. Riiinnnnggggg It was always a relief to hear the metallic buzz. It was my daily saviour from those class discussions on why people should stick to their own gender. I swear I go to the most heterophobic school in the state. I swear if anyone knew I was straight, or even thought I might like girls a little bit, I would be hanged from the rafters quicker than, well, there is nothing that could compare to how fast word spreads in this place. I am scared for my life. Everyone would disown me. Even my parents. The people in the world who should have unconditional love. Tock

I would have stayed single my entire life, but I met her. Catherine. She is just… perfect. Absolutely perfect. Tick. Well, in my eyes at least. I can’t say “no” to her, with her curly, ginger hair. Sorry, I get distracted just thinking of her. I have found the one person in the world to whom I would admit my sexuality. I would tell her. Yes. I decided it to be the best thing. She was so nice to everyone, so I was sure she would understand. Tick. Four weeks. Four weeks is how long it took to work up the courage to tell her. I had made everything seem perfect. It was just the two of us. Alone. In the park. Away from everything. Tick. “So what did you bring me here for?” she asked. I got lost in every word she said. She is dreamy. I looked into her eyes as I did the clock, and was lost. “Well there is something I want to tell you.” I replied while snapping back to reality. “Go ahead.” “Well, you see.” “Go on. You can tell me anything.” “Well, how to put this… I am kinda, sorta, more or less…” as I get cut off. “Come on, if you brought me all the way out here you must have realised you could tell me” she said so reassuring. “Okay, well I’m straight”. That was the hardest thing I had ever said. She looked at me blankly like a deer in the headlights. “What did you say?” “I said… I’m straight. I like girls” were the words that came out of my mouth. Everything seemed to slow down. I was nervous. I was coming out to a girl who I liked in a society who would kill me if they knew. But I could trust her. Tick.

“Oh my. Are you messing with me? I mean no one is straight. That is disgusting. I mean how could you be like that? Just, no. No. Get away from me.” “I’m sorry,” I said trying not to cry, “I can’t help who I am.” “Leave me alone. Freak!” How could someone who was so perfect and liked everyone say such horrible things? She walked off, not looking back, leaving me there, in the park. I obviously needed someone to talk to, and she walked away. Tock. When the tears slowed I packed up my stuff and headed home. I walked in the door, straight up to my room. If the most understanding person didn’t accept me then no one would. Tock. I wanted this pain to end. I could not take any more. I knew she would tell everyone. I mean, who wouldn’t? I wouldn’t be able to face people. And when my parents found out. I didn’t want to know how they would react. I wanted to remember them as the loving people who raised me, my dads. The last thing I remember is the shadow on the ﬂoor, slowly swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of an old clock. Tock.

‘Equal, Right? Apparently Not’ Fraser Little 7

Gay and lesbian marriage is a major talking point in society today yet nothing seems to be changing. Firstly let me start by saying I am not a gay man, however some of my close friends are and their sexuality has no bearing on our friendship; it is their genuine nature and personality that makes them important to me. I will admit that we are young, and highly unlikely to be married within the decade, but it still hurts me to think my friends might not have this right, that they are being treated unequally. Technology has evolved rapidly but it seems as though it is outdated thinking that is dominating this issue. Some would say this outdated thinking is the conservative approach; I would call it the wrong approach. When we were children we were taught to treat everyone equally regardless of race, religion or disability, weren’t we? So why isn’t sexuality added to that list? No seriously, why? Recently, one of the most inﬂuential men in the world, US President Barrack Obama publicly stated he was in support of this issue, but our ‘leader’, Julia Gillard, has displayed no leadership skills, no forward thinking and has isolated a group of our society who are deserving of so much better. If there are rallies, I will be there. If there are protests, I will protest. If there are petitions, I will sign every last one of them. If you do the same, we can hopefully put an end to this nonsense and legalise gay and lesbian marriage, sooner rather than later.

Caption “NOH8, The Fight Against Homophobia” Courtesy of Ben Pushka http://pushkacom.com/ Model: Ben Pushka

Chariots Up The hill Antony Pincombe In 1980 the world changed forever.

9 People started getting ill in the United States of Capitalism and suddenly there was a health problem. Abate a Gay Male Health Problem. Gay males were getting ill all over the United States of Bad Health Care. By 1983 Australia had its first case of HIV,then called Gay Related Immunodeficiency Syndrome or GRIDS. His name was Bobby Goldsmith and he lived in the US for quite a while and was infected there. Everyone had said it couldn’t happen here. There was a plan at one stage to ban anyone from the USA from travelling to Australia. Sometime in early 1983 the authorities, those who didn’t know much about anything, changed the name to Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome or AIDS. This would last for a few years until the scientists discovered that they were dealing with a virus and so decided to name it Human Immunodeficiency Virus or HIV. There were two types of HIV in the beginning HTLVIII or HTLVII. Most had HTLVIII better known as HIVI. As the virus progressed through the Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Community in Sydney and Melbourne the communities started to wake up and realise there was a huge problem. A group of HIV positive people, partners, friends and family members got together and started the AIDS Council Of NSW or ACON. When Bobby Goldsmith died his friends and family got together to set up a trust fund for HIV Positive People called the Bobby Goldsmith Foundation. By 1985 Sydney was almost in lock-down and the message was out, if you fuck with condoms you won’t get the virus. The initial reaction by the Federal Government, under Health Minister Neal Blewitt had been good. But by 1990 under Brian Howe the Federal Government was dragging the chain in relation to Clinical Trials for HIV medications. In the mid 1980’s in the US an organisation called AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power or ACTUP was started to agitate for HIV drugs. The Australian version now started to demonstrate it was in no mood to compromise. At the 4th National AIDS Conference, in Canberra, in August 1990, activists took to the stage to make

a statement about the lack of medications for people with AIDS. They not only took over the stage, they blocked the doors so no-one could leave while they were getting their message over ‘DRUGS NOW/NO MORE DEATH’. Many people were dying, not just Gay Men, IV Drug Users and Girls who did street sex work and charged extra for unprotected sex. Some of those girls were Lesbian. Some lesbians got the virus from their Gay friends because there was quite a lot of sexual ambivalence in the ‘80’s. One of the places caring for people with AIDS Illness was and still is the Sacred Heart Hospice. From the early 1980’s onward you only went to the hospice if you were expected to die. There were a lot of people in the hospice and in the AIDS Ward at the St Vincents Hospital. The trouble was that the Domiciliary Staff would not take the meals into the rooms of AIDS Patients and left them on the ﬂoor outside the door. There was only one drug to treat AIDS at the time, AZT, which killed as many as it helped in the high dosages in which it was used. BGF donated television sets and videos to the wards and to the hospice. Much of the content of the videos that friends donated had a rather pornographic element to it. One had to have a hobby if one were dying. The inmates of the hospice and the patients in the AIDS ward were allowed day leave and most took advantage of this no matter how ill they were. Some right up until the day of their death. The favourite place for the boys to visit was the Oxford Hotel. On any given night after Seven O’clock you would see a procession from the Sacred Heart Hospice and the St Vincents Hospital AIDS ward wending it’s way up the hill to the Oxford. It must have seemed a strange sight to the uninitiated. I must admit I was puzzled the ﬁrst time I saw this procession. Some of the guys were walking but they were dragging their Intravenous Drip Stands up the hill with them. The rest had what we called the St Vinnies Chariots. These were wheelchairs with a drip stand attached. Aided by friends, partners or family or just on their own steam the boys laboured up the hill for what for some of them would be the last drink. People started calling the Oxford Hotel ‘Gods Waiting Room’. The reaction

of the customers of the Oxford was always warm and welcoming, these were their friends and contemporaries. These events occurred until the mid to late 1990’s when new HIV Drugs were developed and HIV became known as a manageable illness. Less people were dying and more were living all of a sudden. There was not the ostracism of HIV Positive people that there is today. There were some however that didn’t believe in good will to all mankind. Certain well known politicians and religious organisations and the friends of a beautiful man I met in 1986. We had all skipped down Oxford St from the Unicorn Hotel to Club 45 which was located at the Liverpool St end of Oxford St. Up in Club 45 we were all having a ball and I must say I was quite taken by this beautiful blonde boy who made my knees weak. He told me he was HIV and I replied that it mattered not to me. If we were to trip the light fantastic we would do so in latex. When he adjourned to the toilet his two friends, a male and female, decided I should not have any thing to do with their friend because of his status. I looked them both in the eyes and said “Do you really want to go there?” Apparently they did. When the most beautiful boy in the world returned I told him how his friends had treated him in his absence and promptly took him home. I fell in love with him but I was leaving for Adelaide two days later and lost contact with him. I called him from Adelaide only to have his sister tell me she kicked him out because he ‘had AIDS’. I searched everywhere for him on my return but was told about a year later he had died.

The general consensus was that HIV was here to stay and if we all helped to stem the ďŹ&#x201A;ow of infections then we could manage the problem. Most people were very supportive of People with HIV in Sydney unlike these two idiots. Unfortunately, this was not the case in other states like South Australia, Western Australia, Queensland and Tasmania. People there suffered terrible discrimination. Some even took their lives as a consequence of that discrimination by people, who up until they were diagnosed, had professed to be their friends. This is happening again today. Young people are losing their peer group all because they are diagnosed HIV. So, unfortunately HIV Phobia is on the rise again and that ďŹ lls me with great sadness.

Christ Baulman

Gay Bashing Story

Trigger warning: Homophobia and physical assault.

This experience occurred in the 1970’s. It was during the age of dirty cops dressing themselves in black ninja costumes to go out to gay venue areas and do “poofter bashing”. That night I was with another guy for a casual encounter at the Bondi Rocks. I knew that it was risky but back then these encounters was the only the way that we could meet people. To contemplate that there would one day be gay bars, clubs or even internet dating websites would be unimaginable. So there I was at the famous Bondi Rocks and had managed to meet a guy there. Not long into our meeting I noticed 10 black figures coming towards us in the distance. I knew we were in big trouble from the way they approached us - we were trapped between them and the cliff face. Come to think of it, that was probably their plan. At that moment I told the other guy “we’re in trouble.” Straight away he asked me “can you fight?” I didn’t, but being an athletic person as a cyclist I replied “no but I can run.” I advised my counterpart that there would be more chance of escape if we split up. Before it was too late we split up, he went to the left and I went to the right and instantly I could see that the group of men split up as well. Three came after me and the remaining seven went after my counterpart. I don’t exactly know what came into my head but I made the decision to turn and walk along the cliff face. I could see the three guys approaching me as I began to hop between the rocks to make my way back a cliff ledge further along where I knew I would be safe. I could feel one of the guys reached out to grab me but luckily he couldn’t get a grip on me. I hopped as fast as I could, my heart pounding in my chest. I concentrated on getting to the next rock, to distract me from my fear of the possibility that they might be right behind me. I kept on jumping one after another to the next rock, then the next, then the next, until finally I got to the ledge safely. I was panting and out of breath. When I looked back - no one was there. I was so out of breath and so tired but I guessed the fear and the adrenalin helped me through.

Once I got my breath back I made my way to the nearest police station, as I walked I thought about my acquaintance; “is he ok?” I wasn’t quite sure how athletic he was and fast he could run. I kept on worrying about the seven guys that went after him, while I only got three. I also felt the guilt of suggesting splitting up and leaving him to fend for himself. I felt absolutely sick in the gut. But I thought the best thing I could do for us both was to report it. I got to the police station and ﬁled a report. Straight away they were uninterested and wanted to know my name. Knowing that there was a very good chance that the dirty cops were the ones that had done the deed, there was no way that I was going to give them my name. I walked out. Weeks passed by and I still could not stop thinking about what might have happened to that man. Though I swear that a few months later that I saw a guy that looked just like him around the Bondi area; the guy was a paraplegic in a wheel chair. I was never brave enough to go up to him and ask, but never the less the question is always in the back of my mind.

To Know That I am Gay Antony Pincombe

I look in your eyes and see All the things I was afraid to be All the things I was afraid to say Like telling anyone I was Gay! I was Gay! I walked around entirely blind Looking at life from behind Never knowing what I could be If only I could set me free! I came face to face one day With someone completely Gay Until now I didn’t see The reﬂection in the mirror Was Me! It was Me! And now I walk in avenues With people making platitudes Of violent hate everyday which goes to remind me I am Gay! I hope one day I will ﬁnd peace and love in all mankind That someone won’t have to hide In the closet, behind the bride Create an illusion But come out and say I am GAY!

Caption “Love is Peace” Courtesy of Ben Pushka http://pushkacom.com/ Model: Ben Pushka

The Queerphobic Safari (Trigger Warning: Homophobia) Tony Wongsiri

Your guide to identifying and staying alive from the creatures of the queerphobic jungle.

Mindless Religious Leaders Habitat: Can be found naturally in places of worship and religious gatherings.

Description: Usually can be seen preaching messages of hatred to a group of people. This species have been known to prey on the young injecting messages of hatred of the gay community. It is a very common practice for them to use religious texts to justify their ideas and spread them into the community. Extremely influential and possess a superb ability to push their ideas to other homophobic species. It is common for them to shun queer members from their gatherings. Survival Tips: This species are best avoided in their natural habitats. There are many religious leaders who are not homophobic, so choosing leaders wisely is recommended, in order to maintain faith.

Conservative Politicians Habitat: Due to their high incomes, this species tends to build elaborate nests in glamorous upper class suburbs. They can also be found congregating in a feeding frenzy inside parliament houses. Description: A primary predator of the queer community, spreading messages of hatred to seize power. This power is usually obtained from the ignorance of the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;religious fanaticâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; species and it is not uncommon to see these two species gathering with each other at the watering hole. Considered harmless on their own, becoming very dangerous when they congregate and pass discriminatory laws that have been known to devastate the queer community. Much of the progression in the tolerance and acceptance by the society has been delayed and disrupted by this species. Survival Tips: This species can easily be spotted surrounded by suited security guards. Due to their supreme ability in smooth talking and sweeping things under the carpet, directly attacking members of this species is futile. Grouping together and voting against them during election times, is the only fool-proof way of combatting this species.

School Bullies Habitat: Primary and secondary schools. Larger populations can be found in schools of a religious nature or schools in rural locations. Description: In most cases they are the offspring of the religious fanatics, conservative politicians or uneducated civilians; usually trying to fit in with their peers. This species uses verbal and physical aggression to inflict pain on the young members of the queer community. They rarely confront their victims alone and prefer to hunt in packs during daylight hours targeting 1-2 victims at one time. However metamorphosis has been known to occur to members of this species that have received proper education, thus allowing them to turn into normal members of the community free from homophobia. Survival Tips: Self-defence has been known to exacerbate the feeding frenzy of this species and is usually futile due to the fact that this species likes to hunt in packs. Yet because of the cowardice nature of the species, staying close to friends and teachers usually prevents attacks.

Brainless Bosses Habitat: Offices, factories, warehouses, basically any place of work. Description: One of the most subtle of all the creatures in the homophobic safari collection; a master of manipulating the rules and protocols in the workplace. Their deeds of denying employment and promotions, giving unfavourable shifts, unfair workload and even terminating employment are the various methods that they use to cull the working queer population. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not uncommon for this species to employ a herd of arse kissers as ego helps to supplement their diet. Survival Tips: Due to their mastery of rules and protocols, taking legal action has proved to be ineffective. They are very talented in finding loopholes and inventing alternative reasons for dismissals. Finding escape routes by getting a transfer or getting employment away from their territory is highly recommended. This is best carried out during their hibernation period (annual leave). Being careful to avoid entering into their territory as this species tends to mark their territory using the musk of their shitty work ethics.

19 Gay Bashers (Endangered) Habitat: Dark alleys and well known gay venues of mostly rural and uneducated communities. Description: Often the by-product of children being spoon fed messages of hatred, this species usually live a normal life by day before coming out to hunt by night. Many biologists describe this species as “The School Bully of the Adult World”, because of its similarity in hunting patterns. They usually hunt in packs targeting a single prey in a cowardly attack at a deserted location. This species used to run rampant due to their close symbiosis with the “Prehistoric Police Officers” species but due to its counterpart’s dwindling numbers, and a large increase in honest cops, the species’ number is beginning to decline. Survival Tips: Extremely dangerous! Do not approach them! Due to the cowardly nature of these creatures, sticking in a large group is an effective way to avoid attacks. Avoid dark lonely areas where they are likely to hunt and always be vigilant at all times. Being fit and athletic can give you an advantage for a quick get away, and if worst comes to worst self-defence skills are encouraged. Usually it is the male species that will hunt and hence attacking their sensitive area of the crotch will be most effective. In other words…KICK THEM IN THE NUTS!!!!!

20 Cannibal Closeted Queers Habitat: Their populations are scattered throughout all the habitats belonging to the other Queerphobic species. Description: These are sadly the members of the queer species resisting the urge to make the final stage of metamorphosis into a normal Queer adult. The resistance usually came about from a consumption of messages of hatred during the premature stage. In the attempts to avoid being labelled “Queer” and the urge to fit into the surrounding herd, this species mimic the behaviours of the other Queerphobic species such as the “Gay bashers” and the “School Bully”. However with time and the right knowledge, the metamorphosis can eventually take place. Survival Tips: Though knowledge is what is required for the changes, offering such advice at the wrong time is futile. This may even make them more aggressive in order to defend themselves. It is even difficult to identify this species in the wild in the first place due to its excellent ability to mimic. Avoidance is advised and only offer them advice when they truly want it.

My View on Equal Marriage Rights Sophie Treneman I grew up in regional NSW in a place called Tamworth, population - 35,000, in a Christian, middleclass household.

21 I remember as a child – around the age of eight – visiting Sydney with my parents and seeing two men kiss for the first time. Thinking this was rather strange, I asked my Mum what they were doing – as the two men proceeded to walk through The Rocks hand in hand – she told me that sometimes, men and men, and women and women, fall in love – I could tell at that time that she wasn’t sure how she felt about it, but I greatly appreciated her for letting me know. An earlier memory for me comes from the age of six – when I was in Year 1. I remember telling my school friend, that two men can get married – when she asked me one day at school - I felt certain of my answer. The next day, to my surprise, my friend handed me a note, saying that her Mum had told her that I was a bad influence and a liar, and that men cannot in fact get married. I don’t know what shocked me more, finding out that two men – in love – can’t get married, or the prospect that I was a liar and a bad influence. What I like about this memory, is that it provides an answer to the big question: Should homosexual couples be allowed to get married? - Through the eyes of an innocent, unindoctrinated child. As a six year old girl, it made perfect sense to me that two people in love, regardless of gender, should be allowed to get married and spend their lives together – so why should my stance on the situation be any different now? Isn’t that what marriage boils down to after all – love? As a Christian and with my own personal relationship with God – I don’t believe that he would deny two same sex individuals, in today’s society, the right to get married and to stand up and say: “I love this person and I want to be committed to them forever” and have that acknowledged. Why is it that religious groups seem to be so critical about certain issues such as: equal marriage rights and sex before marriage rather than defending the overarching basic Christian values such as: having a

non-judgemental heart, sharing personal wealth with the less fortunate and loving your neighbour as yourself. If you belittle the value of a same sex marriage, in my opinion you dehumanise them, and as a Christian you are belittling your neighbours and diminishing yourself. Alternatively, you could – love yourself, marry someone you love and who cherishes you – and allow the same right for your neighbour! I have always believed that marriage is about these traditional vows: I promise to love you; through richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, from this day forward, until death do us part - how beautiful, and by no means easy, are those commitments! If two individuals believe they have what it takes, to start that journey together, in an age where 50% of marriages end in divorce or separation – then I think how brave of you and I wish you all the best! Historically, women have experienced discrimination bases on their gender and in that regard can relate to the gender discrimination experienced by same sex couples. My grandmother, mother, aunties and female friends have all experienced denial of equal rights due to their female gender. As a young woman in business, I am unlikely to get through the ‘glass ceiling’ and still today, in 2012, I will not earn the same income as a male of the same age in the same job and with the same qualiﬁcation. My grandmother’s generation fought for the right for women to work, and to keep their jobs after they married, and they know what it feels like to have few work opportunities due to a characteristic they couldn’t help because they were born with it - female gender. The stereotypes of what it is to be gay – are in my opinion, outdated. Just as there is a beautiful array of diversity in heterosexual relationships so too is there in homosexual ones. Two of my closest friends, two females, are in a relationship and I can honestly say they are one of the most: loving, caring and supportive couples I know. Despite a proportion of society thinking that lesbian couples comprise of one male-like individual and another who is the ‘girl’ in the relationship – both of these women are: extremely feminie! They both want to be mothers and they both want to wear a big white dress down the aisle. To deny them the right to get married, I feel, is an injustice. It says that they are not the same as

me, when in reality; the only difference here is that I’m heterosexual and they’re not. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t think that’s a good enough reason! I recently hosted a dinner party – where later, a guest approached me and told me she wished I had told her that the other couple were gay beforehand, and asked whether I was challenging her and her partner’s faith. I was really taken aback by these statements as in my eyes, a couple is a couple. It had never occurred to me to state the sexuality of the other guests, just as it would never occur to me to disclose the ethnicity of my guests, which brings me to the question of those opposed to homosexual marriage: What is going on for you in your life, that you have to control someone else’s life and happiness? Are you fearful and unhappy in your own life – are you not secure enough in the principles of your faith to allow for embracing the diverse ways of making families today? I don’t believe we are meant to hold literally to the idea that marriage is only between a man and a woman when in the 21st century, babies can be conceived through IVF and soon through genetic engineering too. There are many ways to procreate and many types of families and ways to raise children now. If you are worried about gay couples becoming parents if they marry, they are already being parents regardless of whether they are married. On the subject of the well-being of children in a family with homosexual parents - we must note that the wellbeing of children is compromised in 50% of heterosexual marriages due to divorce. I really encourage people to look through the eyes of a child when you are forming your opinion on same-sex marriage. Children see differences in: colour of skin and gender, and other oddities to the norm, but the difference is - they acknowledge these differences (for example: I once had a young child point at me and say “Mummy that girl has black legs”, when wearing black tights) and then they move on. They get in that sandpit of life and don’t treat the beautiful diverse range of players any differently.

Caption â&#x20AC;&#x153;Some people do not like having their photo taken.. but them high-fiving is ok!â&#x20AC;? Courtesy of Ben Pushka http://pushkacom.com/

Vimal

Goodbye

I woke up with you by my side.

The countless times I imagined this, I always felt happy, satisfied, and in love. But this time, horror, pain and disappointment ambushes me; to know that this was nothing but a one time event. Never did I expect to have my first to be a one night fling. I knew I still loved you. I mean, look around my room and you’ll notice. After you decided I wasn’t good enough for you, I decided to erase you completely from my life. But one too many mementoes have stuck around. Just because you were a complete tool to me, it doesn’t mean what we felt was not true or real. I knew for a fact that what I felt for you was really genuine. The stuffed toy you won for me at the arcade on our first date, the scarf you made me wear when I was cold on our third date, the ticket stubs of the movie we watched on our fifth date (which I still believe you cheated by playing a microsecond later in the rock, paper, scissors game to decide who pays); all these and a couple of other random stuffs that most people wouldn’t give a second thought about are scattered all around my room, as a testament to what we had. And yet, I had to stop myself this time. I knew how painful it was for me to get over you. It broke me as a person and granted I rebuilt myself, but it took a lot out of me. I can never put myself through that again. Not because I don’t love you anymore, more due to the fact that I can’t bring myself to go through all that again. Heavy heart and fighting tears back, I had to look away from your waking eyes and utter words I don’t mean but have to say, “Sebastian, I think it’s best you left.” I felt your hands slowly turning my face towards you. The same green eyes that once held my heart captive look sadly back at me. Your lips slowly grazed mine making me fall back into a pool of memories. My first kiss, my first true love, my first... “I know why you ask that of me. I hope you understand that I never meant to use you. I always did love you, it’s just that me and Karl had a past I couldn’t just ignore.” Your thumb wiped away the sole tear treading down my face. “I will always have you in my heart and hope I will be in yours.” Fighting back the torrents of emotions just waiting to

burst, I utter the same words I uttered when we first dated, “till my last breath, Seb. My very last breath,” and thus was gone all form of restraints in me. My face in your chest, with me a crying mess, I knew this would be my last chance to be with you. With a sob in my voice, I hear your heartbeat as you stroke my hair to calm me down like only you can. I will forever cherish you, Seb. The guy that made me realize who I was. The one guy that made me want to stand up to the world and say this is me and I am what I am. The guy that still makes butterflies flutter in my stomach every time I see him. The guy who stole my first kiss when I wasn’t looking. The same guy who realized it was my first kiss being stolen and made up for it by making my second kiss all the more magical. Even as I write this, I know you will be one person I will not forget that easily. So, the time came for him to leave. Smelling like my soap, he dove in for one final kiss. A kiss that made me weak in my knees out of love and also sorrow knowing that it would be our last. The reluctance of me letting him go showed when our entwined fingers refused to separate. With glassy eyes and a heavy heart, I had to let him go. Goodbye Seb. Goodbye forever, probably.

What type of ‘GAY’ man are you? Tony Wongsiri Are you a glamorous Drag Queen or a Leather Lover? Find out who you really are with this quick quiz.

(Warning: Results may not be accurate)

Question 1

You’d be more attracted to a guy if he wears… a) Blue b) Pink c) Black d) White e) Doesn’t matter. I love a man’s personality, not his clothes.

Question 2

Your idea of the perfect holiday would be… a) A tropical island resort b) A city rich in culture c) Performing acts of humanitarianism in a 3rd world country d) Prefer to be at home with a movie & some takeaways

Question 3

If you were driving and got lost, you would… a) Ask for directions b) Try to figure what the map is trying to tell you c) Call for help d) Try to get the complicated GPS to work

Question 4

If you were buying exclusive tickets from the black market, the ticket would be for… a) A pop concert b) A sporting event c) A charity outdoors picnic d) An Art Gallery Exhibition If you answered a) or c) go to Q.5 If you answered b) or d) go to Q.6

Question 5

Your bumper stickers would likely to say… a) Honk if you wanna party! b) Whales belong in the ocean, not the sushi train If answered a) go to Q.7 If answered b) go to Q.8

Question 6

If you were working and suddenly your boss & all your colleagues burst out into song in a musical number, you would a) Join in, it’s fun b) Calmly make your way to the emergency exit to escape If answered a) go to Q.10 If answered b) go to Q.9

Question 7

If you were arrested which of these crimes would you most likely be charge with? a) Bar fight b) Having too much fun with alcohol or drugs? c) Political Riot d) For being fabulous! If answered a) You’re Type B If answered b) You’re Type G If answered c) go to Q.8 If answered d) go to Q.12

Question 8

If your boyfriend breaks up with you via a text message you would… a) Go away on a nature holiday and forget about it b) Release embarrassing pictures of him on the internet and show what a loser he is If answered a) You’re type C If answered b) You’re type H

Question 9

You would fall for a guy at the bar straight away as soon as he says… a) You like Lady Gaga? Me too! b) How’s the footy last night? c) Excuse me bartender, could you change the channel? The finance news is on If answered a) Go to Q.7 If answered b) You’re type B If answered c) You’re type F

Question 10

If you are being robbed in a home invasion, you would be more likely to say… a) Please don’t take my master piece painting that I’ve painted b) Please don’t take my Tony award If answered a) You’re type D If answered b) You’re type J

Question 11

If your mum goes through your wardrobe, she would be likely to find… a) A leather jacket, pants and other leather accessories b) Sparkling dress covered in glitter with a few wigs c) Empty wardrobe, you lost all your clothes on the dance floor If answered a) You’re type I If answered b) You’re type E If answered c) You’re type G

Question 12

If you got dumped by your boyfriend over the phone, you would… a) Drown your sorrows in ice cream & movies b) Dance the night away and forget all your troubles If answered a) You’re type A If answered b) Go to Q.11

Poster Boy - By Melo

What type of ‘GAY’ man are you? Answers revealed! Match the type code to the category 31

Tony Wongsiri Type A

The Fairy

Type B

The Masculine Man

Type C

The Environmentalist

Type D

The Artist

Type E

The Drag Queen

You’re the classic gay man with your lady like charisma and your love of fashion, you’ll make sure the definition of being “gay” never gets dull.

Basically you’re so manly that if you don’t tell anyone, no one would ever guess that you were gay. Your love of sport and your straight mannerism sometimes makes people forget that you like guys.

Your love of the plants, animals and environment is uncanny. You recycle and use environmentally friendly products and donate to the poor. Now only if other people would do the same.

For some reason wriggly lines of brushstrokes makes more sense to you than to other people. You are talented in drawing, painting and in anything that allows you to express yourself. After all that’s why it’s art.

You are the entertainer. Nothing makes you feel greater than to get on the stage in your glamour outfit and “Wow!” the audience.

Type F

The Snob

You want only the finest of the finest in your life. You live in a rich expensive home, dress in expensive clothes and only talk to your kind. Be careful though as such behaviour might not make you popular.

32 Type G

The Party Animal

Type H

The Political Radical

Type I

The Leather Lover

Type J

The Dramatic Actor

No one can possess the impressive dancing skill and the ability to leave the world behind more than you. Though go easy with the drugs and the alcohol as those could land you in hot water.

How dare those small minded politicians trample all over their citizens? It’s your ambition to protest for the rights of your fellow citizens and show them that we deserve better!

You love the leather look weather it’s in the bar, on the bike or in the bedroom. It gives you the tough exterior that tells everyone that “you don’t wanna mess with me.” You make the leather look good

You are the type that loves to pursue a career in acting. Loves to be on the TV or in the spot light of the stage and thrives on the applause of live audience.

Atheism and Religion in Queer Communities Kate Alway

Join the Sydney Queer Atheists at sydneyqueeratheists@gmail.com

As I was thinking about writing this article, by chance I came across a word that summed up exactly why I care about atheism: religion -normativity. Just as we’re familiar with hetero-normativity, roughly the privileging of heterosexuality, religion normativity is the privileging of religion, religious views of the world and religious interests. Religion-normativity, and speciﬁcally christo-normativity, is rampant in Australia. It’s why our atheist Prime Minister spends tax money for Catholics to visit the Vatican and says that she doesn’t think society is ‘ready’ for marriage equality. It’s why we see churches and billboards displaying crosses like gallows in the town square, and dub it ‘freedom of speech’. It’s why cuts to cities’ Christmas budgets generate more outcry than cuts to the country’s welfare budget. Even minority religions feel the need to vocally perform their acceptance of the all-pervasive decorations. It’s why we accept religious private schools and the fact that they often get more funding than public schools. While even the ‘secular, compulsory and free’ public schools teach Christmas as curriculum for three months of the year and allow scripture teachers in to openly teach dogma every week. Primary Ethics has fought hard to run ethics classes in NSW schools for the non-scripture students who are often neglected and discriminated against. But even they dare not touch the religions’ regular access to school students, nor acknowledge any link to atheism. Our government now upholds the right to put untrained religious ‘chaplains’ into state schools despite the High Court’s ruling against the program. Our government which still has prayers in parliament. It’s all religion-normativity, and it’s dangerous. Secular people regularly accept that queerness and non-belief are matters for adults only. Which allows religions to stereotype us as the dangerous ones, who shouldn’t be around kids. Certainly not all religions commit these travesties, but they all support the religionnormativity which is why we have to ﬁght for adoption, insemination and even the right to teach. Not only do religions get tax breaks because dissemination of religion is still categorised as charitable in our law. But they also get permanent exemptions to the anti-discrimination laws that keep us out of their schools, adoption agencies and crisis shelters.

The census doesn’t give us data on atheists, as the question is framed religionnormatively. However the number of people who marked ‘no religion’ has grown in this latest census to 22.3% of the population, counting us at nearly a quarter of the country. Bigger than any single religious group except Catholicism, even without the 8.6% of the population who didn’t answer the question, those who answered ‘jedi’ or ‘pastafarian’. All the people who put down their family’s religion instead of their own beliefs. Yet people still say ‘but we all believe in the same god anyway’ and really believe they’re being inclusive. And we let them get away with it. In queer communities, we often think we’re better than that! We can analyse the effects of religious lobby groups on politics and the media. We’re certainly clued in to the marriage debate and the motives of the players. A high proportion of us are non-believers, and an understanding of the destructiveness of intolerant churches and conservative religious families resonates through us. Whether or not we’ve experienced the effects personally. Indeed, I’m glad to live within such an astute crowd. However, all is not perfect. We have our own subtle forms of religion-normativity that we often hold dear. In communities so full of atheists and other non-believers, we often let this aspect of ourselves remain closeted. We don’t want to recognise this, because we still fall prey to the idea that outing ourselves, declaring our belief structures, is oppressive to those of us who still are religious. Even while we ﬁnd some people’s beliefs to often be pretty odd, we underestimate them by placing our assumptions about their sensibilities above our own freedom to be out and proud atheists, agnostics, secular humanists or whatever else we want to be. We need to come out about our beliefs just as much as we need to come out about our sexualities. To name ourselves allows us to build communities where we can openly express ourselves and stand together for what we need. We already know this. So examine your own internalised religion-normativity and come out, so that everyone else can too.

The Legacy of Queer-phobia Tommy Berne The other day I was asked “What does it mean to be ‘proud to be gay?”

The suggestion was that if, as I suggested, being queer was simply a normal and natural thing, as normal as being heterosexual. Then why was it something to be proud of? I had an experience this morning that really clarified for me exactly why it is appropriate to be proud of something that is simply a part of who you are. I was lying on Maroubra beach with my boyfriend this morning. The sun blazed down on our skin and as we lay side by side on our stomachs. His hand naturally drifted over my back, I turned to face him and when I would have normally given him a kiss; I froze! I had to apologise for not being more affectionate. I told him that I felt uncomfortable expressing affection towards him in a place I didn’t consider to be necessarily a ‘queer-friendly’ location. I was worried that the people around me might see two guys showing each other affection as being ‘too sexual’, or worse still, as a reason to inflict violence. So why do I feel so anxious about these situations and uncomfortable around heterosexual spaces? Specifically those dominated by large ‘masculine’ heterosexual men? It is the legacy of queer-phobia and violence. I grew up in a country town. Being gay was often a site of ridicule at best, and violent reaction at worst. Growing up I always knew that it was a bad thing to be gay. Being a ‘poofter’ was unconscionable. Even though my family was pretty liberal minded. Well-meaning people would talk about ‘homosexuality’ being ok (provided it was all done behind closed doors, naturally) there was still an underlying sense of it being wrong.

I remember the first time I held my first boyfriend’s hand in a public place. We were 15 and on a school excursion to Newcastle to see a production of The Tempest. In the dark of the theatre I reached next to him and held his hand. I felt frightened that someone might see us – not being out at the time. Though it was also something of a thrill to be doing something transgressive. I came out at the age of 16. Initially to my close friends, but pretty soon the whole school knew. Then people beyond the school. I told my family and that was fine, though my mother worried about me. Often with good reason. I was 16 and at the cinema with some friends and under the cover of darkness was holding my boyfriend’s hand. Some boys around our age sitting behind us saw, and though we tried to hide it, they pursued us after the movie. Intimidating and leering at us and using one of my most hated of words - ‘faggot.’ We were getting picked up by our friend’s dad and as we tried to get away and into the car one of them grabbed my boyfriend’s shirt from behind, ripping it. This started an altercation that saw them and our friends getting into a physical fight, spilling onto the street before our friend’s dad managed to realise what was happening and intervene. This was only the first of such incidences. To say that I got ‘beaten up’ is too passive a description. I fought back and continued to fight to defend myself and my friends. Though what it did teach me was to hide my sexuality in public places. To not dress ‘too gay’ for the threat of violence. To police my actions and monitor the way I spoke, the way I walked and where I looked. Eventually I just stopped going down the main street at all if I could help it – and never by myself. Sadly this story is all too common. Since moving to Sydney that has all changed. I live in the inner west and rarely go anywhere outside of an area stretching from Newtown to the Easter Suburbs. This area my friends and I (half-jokingly) refer to as our “safety bubble.” The place where we can dress how we like, act as we like and (mostly) not have to fear. Where I can walk down the street and hold

my partners hand without feeling eyes upon us and the threat of physical violence. However, if I leave my safety bubble I get as nervous as I did as a teenager. I keep my hands by my sides, I avoid signs of intimacy.

Sadly this is the real lasting legacy of queer-phobic violence. The bleeding noses dry up, the bruises heal, but the internalised fear lingers on. I’m now 25 and have lived in Sydney for seven years with little real queer-phobic violence being directed towards me. In fact I have discovered a community that has led me to feel accepted and empowered. Yet today at the beach I couldn’t bring myself to kiss my boyfriend in a public place I thought may, on the outside chance, have somebody there like the boys I feared growing up. Having been involved with queer student politics for several years I have heard many stories that are variations on this theme. A son being beaten by his father after being found in bed with another boy. Kids being kicked out of home, shunned by their parents. Women who have been sexually assaulted due to their real or perceived sexual orientation. Trans* and gender queer people who not only have to deal with their sexuality being under scrutiny but can face attack and condemnation for not ﬁtting in with the perceived gender ‘norm.’ When I hear these stories I feel the pain behind them, because I have felt it too. I seem to be hearing more and more these days that “homophobia is a thing of the past.” That “kids these days are being accepted for who and what they are.” I look around me and I see that this isn’t so. I see people who have internalised the violence and prejudice and many who have overcome this and become stronger because of it. Though it lingers on. When I am asked why I am proud to be gay – it’s because it is something that I have had to struggle with to ﬁnd a time and a place where I can express myself comfortably. I am proud of that struggle and proud that I have been able to be strong enough to come through my teenage years. Though it’s a burden that I still carry it

has come to be a part of who I am. There are many people who haven’t made it through – and theirs are the stories that I don’t get to hear. I am proud of the people around me who have similar stories. I am proud to part of a community that celebrates our diversity and I am proud to be able to stand up to people who continue these acts of violence upon others in our community. The gender policing that is perpetuated by those who have struggled against such similar condemnations themselves. If all queer-phobic violence were ended today – and it certainly does seem as though things are getting better, for many of us – then those that have faced it in the past will still carry it with them. I don’t believe those that say that queerphobia is becoming a thing of the past. I see the physical and emotional traces of it every day. I don’t think there will ever come a time where I could go back to my home town and hold my partner’s hand while walking down the main street without feeling fearful. Things are changing – but marriage won’t be the end of this divide and kids are still taught that being queer is a bad thing. Even the seemingly lighthearted throwaway line of ‘that’s so gay’, being synonymous with ‘bad’, that has pervaded our society. The sentiments of the well-intentioned “It Gets Better” campaign are correct – it does get better. You become stronger because you are forced to. You ﬁnd your people. Though it never truly goes away. It will pop up when you least expect it. When your partner put his arm around you at the beach on a sunny summer’s day. And that’s the real injustice of it all.

A Look at: The Clarence Valley Research Project Tony Wongsiri

In the following pages you’ll be reading about an interim report done on the rural community of Clarence Valley in northern NSW about the GLBTI community living there. I don’t exactly know if you’re going to read it or not but I can tell you it is quite worthwhile. If you’re going to read it then excellent! If not then I can tell you that you’re going to miss out. Either way I bet that you didn’t know that it was quite an epic story for the people involved in this project to create it. So I interviewed Wendy Hardman, one of the creators of this research project, and Margaret Strong, the teacher at Grafton TAFE who set this project in motion; and from their testimonies I bring you this epic story. (This story has been edited to protect the identity of certain people in the community who may or does not want to be identified). In 2011 Margaret Strong a teacher at Grafton TAFE assigned her class an assessment, to gather data about a minority group in the community for the purpose of finding out the support resources needed for them. Wendy Hardman, Monique McDonald, Maree McIntyre, and an anonymous student stepped up to the challenge and bravely picked the GLBTI community. Their search began where the other groups began, the local Town Hall. But while other groups had success finding out information they needed to get started, yet the girls had no success. It appeared that despite the presence of youth suicide from the possibility of homophobic bullying, the Town Hall had no information on the GLBTI people in the community let alone the resources to help them. Wendy remembered how her friends had a son who came out to them. But in the end he had to move away to the city because there were no resources to help him or his supportive family to support him psychologically. So a new plan had to be drawn up to get the data from scratch. The girls created a website recruiting people for online surveys, hard copy survey forms, posters around campus recruiting participants, asked youth service providers to

spread the word, used radio interviews and local newspapers to spread the word. Though it was a very effective way of hunting for participants except for one problem…the rural GLBTI community is extremely closeted. They did not get any response at all except from the internet survey. It was around this time that things happened. The anonymous member of the group decided to abandon the project for some unknown reason. She refused to have her picture taken in the local paper due to fears that the local might ﬁnd out about her involvement. Wendy’s husband had comments being made to him at work such as “why is your wife chasing gays?” Wendy also felt uneasy when people started saying to her that they saw her picture in the paper. But with their numbers dwindling and the community pressure on them the team saw the project through. Now Wendy is looking forward to creating a social group for the GLBTI community and eventually creating support services. However this is quite a challenge because the previous social group gathering was met with letter box bombing by the locals. But with time and with support perhaps Wendy’s second project will be a big success.

The Man Who Shares My Love Kennikoh 41

This man shares my life, lying beside me, golden skin gleaming in early morning light. This man shares my body as I share his, excitement and pleasure blended with the love we share. This is my man, whom I have chosen. I live with him. I live for him. I in him and he in me. Without him, the world would lose its colour, turning grey and grainy like a wet winterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s morning.

Artwork by Roxy Kitts

Kennikoh

Kenni gets Child Abused (Trigger warning: Homophobia)

http://dir.groups.yahoo.com/group/Exex-gay/message/2242 Edited for Querelle (30/06/12) Disclaimer: My description of this incident in my young life attempts to convey my feelings at that point in time. The tone of flippancy is intentional as I attempt to locate the incident in the stream of experiences that make me what I am. It is not meant as a commentary on anyone else’s experience. I never think of myself as abused. But in my early teenage years, a mature man touched me sexually, and the end of the story, as I tell it, may be illuminating. I consider this incident, not as a formative experience, but as a kind of curious byway among swirling tides of sex flowing around all the kids growing up in this small country town. Was the man who figures in this story a child abuser? I guess so, at least in terms of how the incident may be painted in contemporary life. I have no idea whether he had ever touched any other kid. And I am not sure whether what he did to me really constitutes ‘abuse’. I guess these days a lot of people would say he was a child abuser, and should be put in gaol forever. Some may say this incident ‘made’ me gay? I doubt that conclusion. Let me tell you the story and you can decide. I was growing up, at that time, in a small seaside town on the North coast of New South Wales. It was both a fishing village and a tourist centre. There was an oldfashioned guest house owned by friends of my father, an older woman, a spinster, and her slightly younger, bachelor brother. I’ll call him ‘the man’, as I forget his name. One summer, when I was about 14, I wanted some more pocket money. My father, ever-ready to teach me self-reliance, arranged for me to do some odd jobs at this guesthouse. Two hours a day after school. Mostly chopping wood for a hot water heater. The wood yard was fenced and quite private. I would spend about one hour chopping wood and then take a short break, sit on a log and enjoy some distracting play

called self-pleasuring (smile). I cannot be sure whether the man ever watched me. It would have been difﬁcult for him to see me, but not impossible. Certainly, I never saw him watching, but as the unfolding events show, it was likely he had. One day I was asked to help him move furniture. We moved beds from here to there, and put new chairs in some rooms. At some point in all this, the man came up behind me and put his hand on my arse and started to rub. I was startled! But not excited - not even a little bit. His hand moved to the front, and he whispered in a very dry throat sort of voice, “I bet you’ve got a big one!” Shock superseded my startled feeling! This was shock, not so much at what he was doing, but shock that an adult was doing it to me. I think, at this point that I need to background my sexual development up to this time. Most kids that grew up in country towns were very sexually aware. (Hey! Cows and birds and bees etc!!!) But we (or maybe just me) had this idea, that adults were sort of different. That what kids did, adults did not. We were the discoverers of these exciting feelings and actions. In our scout camps, mass masturbation was a normal activity. As soon as adults were far enough out of range, everyone unpacked their penis and start to play with it. For more daring kids in this town, an old change room on the beach front had served as a kind of sex club. It was straight sex of course, gay sex was only ever whispered about. But straight sex was full on. And all the funny bits were soon spread right through the kid’s network. A young girl, only age 5, was joked about, as she turned up there one day, took her panties off, laid down, stuck her hands into each side of her (vagina) and said, “Hey! Someone stick their dick in here.” I never wondered then, how

she had learned this behavior, but I assume now she had been watching an older sister, a relative, maybe even her parents. I never dared to go to that den of iniquity.

But we saw this as kid stuff. Adults were a separate (deprived) world. Well, that’s how I tried to reconcile the paradox of parental “warnings” about sex and our youthful sexual desires and activities. I had discovered the joy of masturbation at about age 12. I had a pair of underpants that felt nice against my skin. They were made from a cotton fabric processed to feel like silk. In bed, reading and rubbing my dick I could feel sort of disconnected from my parents and in my own world. Masturbation was a wonderful escape. I sought and found opportunities to escape and rub and rub and rub. One day, I was rewarded - the genie escaped from the lamp. I had my first orgasm. All around me kids were finding the same joy in life. With these influences I did see sex in heterosexual terms. But I admit that inside (I could never admit it then, of course) it was the stories, the jokes about male/male sex that stirred my soul. One night at our scout camp across the river, we trekked out into the sand hills next to the camp, and told dirty stories. One illustrates the way M2M sex stirred my spirit. It told of two rapists raping an undercover policeman disguised as a beautiful blonde. I won’t bother with the detail, I’m sure most will quickly grasp the potential. As I lay there in the sand my imagination ran riot and my body responded to my imaginings. So when ‘the man’ of my story, had a little feel of my arse and dick, my shock was not so much that he had done these things to me, but that an adult was exhibiting sexual behavior. I said nothing. I did nothing. I just stood still. So did he.

I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know what he had imagined the next step would be, or could be? Had he thought that when he revealed his interest in me that I would happily participate in mutual masturbation? Had he imagined us rolling round one of the old beds in the store area? I will never know. If he had seen me jerking off, was the sight of a kid masturbating too much for his self control? My immobility turned him off. He stared at me. Seeing no reaction, he seemed to give up any ideas of jolly fun, told me to ďŹ nish some task and walked away. I wonder now what fears may have walked with him. And I, immobile physically, but mentally seething at how to process this new experience. My mind started to seethe. Guilt feelings, imbued in me by adult sexual hypocrisy, started to boil up. I also have a slightly skewed sense of logic. So, I immediately started looking at this incident not as evidence of his sin, but of mine. I reasoned that he had seen me playing with my dick. Would he tell my father? This became an immediate fear. There were also other factors. Not long before this, my parents had come home unexpectedly to ďŹ nd me in the middle of a theatrical production with my reluctant younger brother. I was playing the role of a female stripper in a nightclub, gradually discarding clothes during some amateurish dancing. My brother had been roped in as a patron in the

nightclub.

This led to some interesting family discussions about my sexuality. It ended in my being formally warned by my mother (I learned later that my father couldn’t talk to me about it) that, “... there were men out there that might try to take me away and do bad things to me.” I had to question her thoroughly to find out about the bad things, but finally she explained. “They’ll stick their thing up your bum and it will hurt you very bad.” She terminated the discussion, saying “if a man tries to do bad things to you, come and tell us straight away.” So when I experienced “a man” making a sexual signal to me, I felt I had to tell my parents. All my guilt about my sexual growth and play and my desire to be a “good son “, was involved in this decision. So I told my father. A grim look came over his face. Wordless, he walked out of the house, got into his car and drove off. I assumed that he was going to see his friend. I worried that news of my sin of masturbation would be passed on to my Dad. My father returned, still grim faced. I cannot recall anything else being said to me. My father ignored the subject and my fears lessened. But unexpected consequences were still to flow from that day. A few days passed, then shocking news. ‘The man’ was dead!! He had shot himself during the night. My father still did not talk about it. I saw myself as the cause, or at least, the cata-

lyst that brought his death. Looking back from my ‘now’, I feel sad for the man. I wonder what his experiences in life were? If I remember clearly, he had gone to a good English boarding school. One of those schools which, according to legend, were full of homoerotic inﬂuences. Had he had a school boy lover? Had they enjoyed stolen moments of bliss with each other’s naked bodies? Had they parted with tears at the end of school? Had I reminded him of his lost love? I know that’s a romantic view of the incident, but a possible one. Certainly, he had never married. Maybe all his life he had been a suppressed homosexual, unable to live the way he wanted. I will never know. But, from what I now know, he also had a story to tell. A story that led to a sordid little incident one day in a small seaside town, an incident that unleashed a chain of consequences that made his life unbearable, including the loss of a friendship (with my father) that may have been part of the support system in his life.

I do not think that the events of that day influenced either me or my sexuality. As I say, I never think of myself as having been sexually abused. The man should not have touched me, but what he did that day was not erotic, it did not make me curious about male/male sex, it did not send me madly careering around the town enticing men to touch my arse. Looking back, as I have attempted to convey, the signs of my real sexuality were already evident, but this incident did not become part of my sexual growth. And it would be many years before I would honestly face my real sexuality. For all of us, when we experience an incident like this, it is after all only one incident in our sexual development, as the experience I have related was only one among all of the various sexual influences at work on me. Nearly all of my early sexual influences were opposite-sex related. Yet inside me was this slowly growing realisation that I liked other boys. I think of that day now with sadness and compassion, for the lost life of a man who may have also been a victim of prejudices born out of spiritual evil.

Logo by Melo

JACK, MY FIRST LOVE Kennikoh Edited for Querelle- 25-04-2012 Edited for Querelle (30/06/12) (Here’s my ﬁrst ‘conscious’ falling in love experience... )

If you drive past the village of Pambula on the South Coast of NSW, you will find that the new highway sweeps over a river. On the banks of the river is a simple, unpainted, bush style house, constructed from rough sawn timber with a galvanised iron roof. The timber has now aged into a silver grey colour, but when I first saw it, the timber was fresh cut and reddish-yellow. I was a boy then, and this was the home of my friend Jack and his family. Inside, the house echoed the simplicity of life for this family. Basic furniture. Bare timber floors. Unlined walls. In the kitchen, a small table provided a place to prepare meals, to eat, and later to wash the simple utensils. Water came from an outside tank filled by rainwater from the roof. And a touch of luxury for Jack’s mother, a water pipe from the tank stuck through the wall of the house with a brightly polished brass tap that allowed her to fill kettles without the need to go outside. No electricity; that did not come to this district for a good many years. Candles and kerosene lamps provided lighting for the few tasks done at night. Some illustrations from a magazine pasted on the wall that highlighted an undefined yearning for a life beyond these simple walls. It may seem a romantic, uniquely Australian scene but like so much of Australian life in those times, there was a darker side. An unseen sadness, rooted in the harshness and isolation of some areas. My parents had been friends with Jack’s family when they previously lived in the area. So that’s how we came to know each other. Even then, at age 10, I guess I was a typical gay kid. Not in overt sexual terms but in the constant crushes I had for some other boy. My romantic nature did lead me to sometimes try for a physical expression to my feelings. I found that

few boys responded to my romantic interests. But Jack seemed to and memories ﬂood into my mind of one special day. Our families had agreed to meet for a rodeo event at a nearby village. My family arrived early and I waited impatiently for Jack’s family to arrive. When at last we were together, he seemed as excited to see me, as I was him. We walked around holding hands, sat watching the rodeo events squeezed together, our arms around each other. I recall a rough looking timber or farm worker calling us a couple of bloody little poofters and telling us to stop hugging. In the evening we went to someone’s farm for a meal. But we were both too happy to eat. We only wanted to be together, to hold each tightly. Reluctant to let go of this new thing we had found in each other. We sat in some of the hidden places that farms have, enjoying these exciting, new feelings. God knows what our families thought of it all. I think my family may already had some concerns about me. That day must have reinforced their fears. Unusually, even our parting at the end of the night was happy. We both seemed to sense that our friendship had arrived at a place where it would always exist. Neither time nor distance would harm our feelings for each other. I cannot tell you what was in his mind, or how Jack saw that day or his feelings. Perhaps it was only loneliness and isolation that caused him to respond to me. Or perhaps he also danced to the same heart rhythms as I. I could not at that time, have described my feelings either. These were new feelings. Too new to have words to describe them. Nor was sex an issue for me at that age and on that day. So this is not a description of an exciting sexual awakening.

But it was a sexual experience. Not physically, but involving deeper, inner, sexual feelings that exist in our spirit and mind. The heart feelings that can enhance physical sex between lovers. Feelings that lift physical sex to a spiritual level. In that sense, Jack has been with me all my life, as I have sought to find a spiritual dimension in my relationships. It would be nice to tell you that our friendship grew and we became schoolboy lovers, or that years later we met again, that we went to bed and held each other tight, whispering love as we did things that are natural for lovers.. But I can’t! A few weeks after the day I’ve described, my father had a phone call. He came out of his office white faced and upset. Jack’s father had called him to tell him that Jack was dead. ... Drowned! Fishing in the river by their house, he’d caught a fish, walked onto a log to retrieve it, slipped into the river and drowned. That log is still there, or it was the last time I drove past Jack’s house. You can see it from the road as you sweep past, sitting big and solid on the riverbank. I cannot drive past his house, the river, and the log, without memories of Jack and that day of first love, flooding into my mind.

When Community Isn’t Laura Seabrook

How “Queer” and “LGBT*” can marginalise rather than support I’ve been meaning to write this article since the last Queer Collaborations. I left it for some time because I didn’t want to write something that seemed to be from a “sour grapes” attitude. But that’s hard to do when examples of what I’m talking about are shoved in one’s face almost daily by the media. So here goes. Extending a Franchise The main issue that has really brought this to a head for me is that of Marriage Equality. In an ideal world marriage would be between two consenting adults, regardless of sex, gender or sexuality. We don’t of course live in that ideal world and for centuries in most cultures marriage has been presented as something predominantly (if not exclusively) between a man and a woman. Commonly reform in this area has been seen only as adding the addition same-sex marriages (i.e. gay and lesbian marriage). There are problems with this however - it takes a cisgendered approach to the issue, ignoring problems for trans and intersex persons. This became apparent with the Marriage Equality Act that passed in New York in 2011 . What should have been a real victory was for many trans persons in that state akin to a betrayal. Why? Because the act doesn’t actually give marriage equality as such but “extends the marriage franchise” so that only samesex couples are on a par with different-sex couples. “Huh? What’s wrong with that?” you might say. The problem is that although a trans person can change their birth certiﬁcate in New York State what they get is “[t]he new birth certiﬁcate will list the new name but will not have a listing for sex at all. That section is simply omitted.” That means really, that change of sex is not recognised as such, and so a transgender woman gets to marry as a man, and a transgender man to marry as a woman! To make matters worse, the very same day that the Marriage Equality act passed in the New York legislature, another one called the Gender Employment Non-

Discrimination Act - which would give protection against being fired on the grounds of gender identity - stalled in the senate. So for many trans persons in New York it seemed like a betrayal and abandonment to enable same-sex marriage but leave their own in a legally ambiguous state, and to have not got protection at the same time. Of course I’m writing in New South Wales, Australia, and you could argue that such results don’t affect me directly. so why get so upset? The main reason is that despite the Marriage Equality Amendment Bill 2012 and the Marriage Amendment Bill 2012 both rephrasing what marriage is in a non-exclusionary way (the first defines it as “the union of two people, regardless of their sex, sexual orientation or gender identity, to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life” and the second as “ the union of two people, regardless of their sex, to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”) the majority of activist groups and media commonly refer to this as “samesex marriage” or “gay marriage”. As this is mostly presented as a same-sex marriage or gay-marriage the issue becomes less about marriage itself and more about validating gay and lesbian existence. And while gays and lesbians make up the bulk of the people affected by any changes in the act, they are not the only stakeholders in the issue (really everyone’s a stakeholder, and why should some be privileged over others? With the constant emphasis on gay marriage however, there are those that believe only gays and lesbians are. Last year at Queer Collaborations in Perth, I was told by a (non-trans) activist at the Marriage Equality workshop “help us get our rights first and then we’ll help you get yours” as if marriage wasn’t an issue for trans persons. I should have replied “And what do you think those are?” but I didn’t. If you look at the home page of the Australia Marriage Equality website the ‘about paragraph’ says: “For many Australians marriage is a profoundly meaningful way to demonstrate love, strengthen commitment and reinforce family ties. Denying anyone the right to marry because of gender or sexuality is simply not fair. Australian

Marriage Equality is campaigning to change the law so that same-sex couples are allowed to marry.”

That’s “Same-sex”, not “everyone”, so it’s obvious where their priority is. Further, doing a Google search with “site:www.australianmarriageequality.com transgender” brings up references that are only links to off-site pages - there’s no inclusion of trans people’s marriage issues at all. When I went to a rally in Sydney on this issue a couple of years ago, almost every speaker talked about “same-sex marriage”. The one speaker that didn’t mentioned “our valiant trans allies” as if we’d gone out of our way to help with an issue that wasn’t ours. When the most recent rally was shown on ABC news, the reporter referred to a “same-sex rally” while behind her was a clip of people holding a “Marriage Equality” sign! I could give many examples of this. The media have jumped on “gay marriage” as an easy shorthand for the issue and one that’s likely to get the most coverage and response, and it seems that most activist groups have gone along with that. But what about specific trans marriage issues which get ignored because of that? Should either of the bills be passed, trans people in Australia would able to marry (unlike my New York counterparts). However It has been practice for medical gatekeepers not to refer trans people for reassignment surgery if they were married. In other cases in some states (like Tasmania ) trans people may be denied a change in their birth certificate and/or gender recognition if they are married. Neither issue gets any exposure, and simply changing the marriage act won’t change the legislation for individual states where that is the case. Marriage equality issues are not all the same . Community Values LGBT (and alphabet soup variants) is defined in the Wikipedia as ‘an initialism that collectively refers to the “lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender” community. In use since the 1990s, the term “LGBT” is an adaptation of the initialism “LGB”, which itself started replacing the phrase “gay community” beginning in the mid-tolate 1980s, which many within the community in question felt did not accurately

represent all those to whom it referred ‘. On inspection it becomes clear that LGBT is a term created to satisfy the need to identify component groups, which is why more letters get added to the acronym over time. The latest version I’ve seen is QUILTBAG, from Queer/Questioning, Undecided, Intersex, Lesbian, Trans, Bisexual, Asexual, Gay. I first came across this on the Urban Dictionary , which gave an example of use as “Hey, are you one of the QUILTBAG folk, too?” And while I can’t see that catching on, superficially it seems like it’s an effort to be inclusive. Likewise, the Wikipedia defines Queer as ‘an umbrella term for sexual minorities that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary.’ This is a negative description, defining a body of people not by who they are but who they’re not. Now perhaps this is a problem with the definition but other definitions tend to be functional look-alikes for LGBT*. The problem I have is when we start talking about communities, as in Queer, LGBT*, and Trans. That’s because the use of the term “community” brings up within me a certain set of expectations, and for the most part the above falls sadly short of those. Communities are not always “happy families” as such. Within any community large enough there tends to be a certain amount of infighting as the participants engage in discourse of how that community is defined and what exactly are the important issues and values of its culture. But there’s an assumption that such infighting is worth it because being part of the community is worth it and has value to its members. For Queer and LGBT*, the bulk of its members are Gays and Lesbians; Bisexual and Trans persons form minority elements. My experience supports a notion that even though it’s called LGBT*, it’s really L & G and those are considered to be the ‘default’. When I was part of the Sydney Bisexual Network entry in one year’s Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade, we were introduced at the reviewing stand as the “Gay & Lesbian Bisexual group”. Uh no, not really. In general trans participants tend to be invisible in the parade unless the entry is

trans themed. Otherwise it can be problematic since if a trans person “passes” they aren’t noticed and if they don’t they’re assumed to be “in drag”.

More often than not, what is touted as the “Queer / LGBT community” looks to me to be an L & G one with an appropriation of B, T and other letters as deemed politic. There is a built in “glue” for gays , lesbians and bisexuals to congregate and enjoy each other’s company, and sexual and emotional intimacy. Trans folk don’t necessarily have that glue - just because a person falls under the Trans umbrella doesn’t mean they have much in common with others that are also trans , let alone be interested in them sexually or emotionally. And yes there are trans folk who are gay, lesbian, or bi, but that means the attraction is really part of the gay / lesbian scene. That may or may not change with Genderqueer. I first encountered Genderqueer as a concept when I attended Queer Collaborations in Canberra in 2009. It was a bit of a shock when I attended the Trans/Genderqueer caucus and discovered as a trans person I was in a small minority in my own caucus. Initially it was a difficult idea to adjust to, where others had an almost floating gender and variable pronoun, and I couldn’t quite see how Genderqueer could be applied in the general community (whereas LGBT all have). The issues initially seemed dissimilar as well - the main issue at that conference for them was pan toilets, whereas I’d fought for the right to use toilets for my gender, and even been suicidal over the issue! That opinion was almost confirmed at the backpackers where most of the attendees were staying, when I was corrected over using an incorrect pronoun for a Genderqueer person. That was awkward - most of the people there were drunk at the time and I could hardly remember their name let alone pronoun. Despite that however I came to see that just because it wasn’t an expression of gender that I was used to, that didn’t make that any less valid. Maybe this is how confronting it can be for some straight folk upon meeting their first openly trans person. In any case Genderqueer is yet another group that might or might not be covered adequately by Queer / LGBT*. I’ve yet to see any firm evidence either way. And the pronoun issue goes away if I use someone’s first name anyway (when I remember it).

Some of my perceptions may be filtered where I live - on the edge of the greater Newcastle area and not in a major city like Melbourne or Sydney. Maybe if I lived in either the Queer / LGBT* communities would be much more accessible. Maybe I’m showing my age. I’m 55 this year with health and disability problems and bad 80s disco (other than Dead or Alive) bores the shit out of me. Perhaps after indulging in the Goth Scene for a while I’m spoilt, but queer pubs/clubs seldom play Sisters of Mercy, Rammstein or The Cure. The problem for is when groups described as Queer / LGBT often seem to claim to represent the sub-minorities like trans, when in actual fact there’s clearly little consultation or feedback, and those sub-minorities are not a cohesive whole either. Appropriation of the issues and assumed support is not the way to create community. Invoking a community is only justified when the evidence of support and participation is real. I went to an exhibition of “LGBT Art” at a local art gallery a few years back, however how meaningful was that label in relation to what I saw? Nothing there seemed to be related to any LGBT subject or trope, and no indication if there was any art from trans artists at all. All part of the reason I tend to cringe when I hear all-sweeping statements about the Queer / LGBT community and what it’s doing or supporting. I just no longer believe such things are meaningful without proof. Umbrella Issues The truth is that all communities are fictions, and that the ones that are “real” are the ones that participants choose to believe and engage in. But umbrella communities have certain issues that seldom get addressed once they get started. The momentum and enthusiasm of those who engage with those fictions to make a community can be contagious, and when the apparent benefits of joining the community outweigh the disadvantages, that community can start to grow outside its original boundary. That’s what’s happened with Gay & Lesbian over time. B and T got added, then (depending upon what and where you read) I, Q, A and others.

But who decides when that happens? Who starts adding a letter and then saying what the letter represents and claiming that it is part of “the community”. When I first saw that LGBT had become LGBTI, I immediately wondered what the “I” stood for. The most common answer was Intersex but I have also heard it described as Interested. Likewise adding a H can be HIV-AIDS, but in India apparently it means Hijras . Either way is it someone who thinks “this group should be included” that does this, or “my group should be included” that does? There’s a big difference between the two approaches. In any case just adding a letter to the list doesn’t by itself mean anything without some form of active participation by the group of people it represents. If there isn’t, then it’s an empty claim which tokenises those it seeks to help. Unlike LGBT*, Queer and Transgender are terms that have more in common with an adjective like “Asian”. All three are definitions that are meant to include a wide variety of types but that don’t actually describe anything in particular other than in the most vague manner. Just as there’s a big difference between Japanese and Lebanese cultures (even though both are Asian) there are disparate groups and types within both Queer and Trans. Such definitions are good for certain things - political action and laws, but are heavily overused. Last year a new umbrella term was coined in Australia: Intersex, Sex &/or Gender Diverse (ISGD). This was later changed to just Sex &/or Gender Diverse (SGD) after a dispute with an Intersex organisation over appropriation. It was yet another attempt to describe a varied mix of people without misrepresenting them. So far though the term has not been taken up in common use. Without active participation from those groups and types how can any umbrella term be said to be representative? And yet that’s what I hear time and again whenever someone uses “Queer / LGBT* Community” in such a casual manner, as if it were a village where we all live in harmony. For some who do live in areas like parts of Sydney or San Francisco that may actually be true, but for many of us who live in the general community that’s not the reality of our lives. It’s hard to give numbers, but some trans person don’t see the trans part of their label as the defining element. If you are a trans woman or trans man for example, then re-

ally you identify as a woman or man, and the trans part is an acknowledgement of your history. There are those who think of themselves as transgender mainly and a gender second. There are any number of combinations and distinctions, all under the Trans umbrella. Suggestions? What then am I suggesting? I’m not suggesting some form of deliberate separation of trans groups or persons from either the Queer or LGBT* umbrellas. Whether or not one feels a part of those communities, they will exist and continue to exist anyway. Rather, I think I’d like either some form of active participation to justify claiming representation, and failing that, a certain degree of honesty when that is not the case. Not just some lip service given on issues that are either misunderstood or miss-represented by the majority. Last year I talked to someone who attended the MCC in Sydney, and they wondered why so few trans people turned up. Now I know at least one trans person who does but it seems that she “passes” and most folk there don’t realise that she’s trans. But otherwise, reading what I’ve said here, I think the reason’s fairly obvious - if you want to trans people to participate in what are mainly Gay or Lesbian affairs, you have to give us a reason to. A cisgender person is someone who identiﬁes as they gender/sex they were assigned at birth.

Indigo Dream Kennikoh

As we walked in a park, we saw the striking Indigo flowers of a tree. so we lingered under the tree, it’s petals falling on us. We sat, your head across my knees. I opened your shirt, fingers exploring nipples and places of love. The petals fell as our tongue tips met and we kissed for the first time. More petals fell softly on us and our world became a purple mist. Feelings grew stronger in bodies and hearts. That night, on white sheets, we loved each other for the first time. Afterwards, sleeping fitfully, I dreamed of you naked, and covered with indigo blossoms.

~Thank you~

Thank you to everyone who provided submissions and helped put together this edition of Querelle. The variety, and depth of thought that has gone into the material, has been fabulously inspiring. Much love to those who put in extra effort, including Alex for providing us structure and admin, Melo for his artwork, Tony W for his promotions and Amie for her management. Thanks to Queer Savvy and 2SER radio for promoting us too! Love, Maquarie Uniâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Querelle team 2012 xx

~A letter from the Macquarie university Queer Collective~ Dear Querelle Readers,

Ours is a diverse community, spanning across race, culture, age, gender, religion and politics, best depicted by our iconic six coloured rainbow ﬂag. The theme for this year’s Querelle is “Our Stories”, representing that no one person’s experience of being queer is the same, but they are in important! Querelle this year as presented by Macquarie University wants to bring to our attention the stories of so many different people whose lives are made queer and different by their own personal circumstances. I want to thank the Querelle Executive for all their invaluable help over the last few months to get Querelle up and running. Without them, this could not have been achieved. I wish you all the best and happy reading, Jonathon Papadopoulo 2012 Convenor of the Macquarie University Queer Collective

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~Note From Administrator~

~Note From the Publishers~

If you have made this far, congratulations! Because it was certainly a journey!

There are so many people to thank, for their guidance, it starts with Daniel O’Neill from Equity & Diversity, Svetlana Martynovich who supported with a Diversity grant! People like Lauren Hargreaves and Jono who set up IDAHO and was the primary force for promotion. Cassie from 2SER was also a vital piece with getting the Querelle brand out there this year. The first story I wanted to share was the consecutive nights I spent writing the handbook from scratch. This was one of the more challenging parts for me and the countless nights hopefully will benefit whoever does Querelle for 2013 and beyond because I put a lot of time into that. The second story would have to be about IDAHO. Carmelo came with a poster design, and me being the creative clutz that I am I wanted to change almost everything (because frankly, a squash cockroach has more creativity than me), he told me that it would grow on me. And it has, I was so impressed when I managed to see all the templates completed before they started putting content in. I have to thank Carmelo for not listening to me at all. Right now, as I write this, I am doing the final checks before sending it off to be published, I find myself having 2 hours of sleep before completing this. I Guess it just shows how much effort not just me, but everyone on the page next to this has put in, and my inspiration has to come from a man who I respect a lot, Ray Rice who said “If you’re sleeping, somebody else is working” In the end, I wish to thank everyone for their dedication. Alexander West (Organiser & Administrator)

~Executive and contact list~ Editor-in-Chief Amelia ‘Amie’ Maloney Querelle Chief Designer Carmelo ‘Melo’ Munzone Submissions Editors Antony Pincombe Craig Pippen Submissions Collector Tony Wongsiri Communications Liason Emilia ‘Sezel’ Lezes Creative Consultant Meret MacDonald Ben Pushka Administrator Alexander West