Best New Jokes William Gore Copyright William Gore 2016 Published at Smashwords Table of contents. 1. Jokes Jokes Call to military unit: - It is additional "hundred eleven"? Ensign Ivanov to to phone! - No, it is additional "one-one-one"! I at phone. *** The ensign saw the lying head on a parade-ground. - Man on duty! What is it? - Head, companion ensign! - I see that the head. Why it is not cut?! *** The ensign passes medical board. Oculist to it: - Close the left eye. What letter? The ensign is silent. - Close the left eye. What letter? The ensign is silent. - You that, absolutely see nothing? - No, I see perfectly - simply forgot, as they are called. *** - The companion the ensign - stop the tank! - The tank stop! Time - two. *** - The companion the lance sergeant, here to you a column, carp at it, making use of the experience. - It I in a trice! It was dug round, means, an element alien to us. Above wires - communications has. The announcement hangs - in speculation is engaged. Without hair - at ours visited recently. And in general hoots, costs not on that place. ***
Before a premiere: - You heard, the director demanded five hundred supernumeraries. - In suits of this era? - No, in the usual. To fill a hall. *** At a boring concert of the compere decided to entertain public: - Misters! Guess a simple riddle! Guess a word from three letters: the first letter of this word is the second letter in the word "EAR", the second letter of this word is the first letter in the word "EAR", the third letter of this word is the last letter in a word $#%! *** - Yesterday was at cinema and saw a surprising love scene! - And how the film is called? - I do not know, when turned on the light, it appeared that I sit a back to to the screen. *** In orchestra seats: - Listen, you just threw into the singer rotten eggs, and now applaud it! - I want, that it left to bow - at me remained still some pieces... *** There is a premiere at theater, but to the male viewer all the time stir conversation two ladies sitting behind it. - Forgive, - he turned back to them. - I cannot hear any words. - Yes you simply impudent person! - women were indignant. - About what we we speak, you at all does not concern. *** The Odessa theater leaves a funeral procession. - Tell, whom bury? - the young woman of the passerby asks. - Any actor, apparently, Yampolsky. - About my God, really Yampolsky died!? - Probably, if it, of course, not rehearsal! *** - You wonderfully played a role of the wounded officer, - the director speaks to the actor. - I have such nail in a boot, - that answers, - that I... - Do not bend it, - the director, - at least interrupts the actor till the end of a season.
*** - Why you listen to it? Mozart clearly wrote that this concert not for you, and for a flute with an orchestra. *** (From the announcement) To opera and ballet theater for participation in the ballet "Spartak" gladiators are required. Lonely the barracks are provided. *** Conversation of two school students: - You one went on this terrible picture? - Yes, one. - And the cinema was overflowed? - Generally yes, but under that chair where I hid, it was empty. *** Two friends at a cinema. - The fourth time I watch this film and I will tell to you frankly, today actors play, more than ever. *** The playwright brags to the friend: - And here, when the curtain fell, all hall blew up applause. - And what was drawn on a curtain? *** - Know, it is interesting performance. I advise to you to leave after second act. Why after the second? After the first very much big crush in clothes. *** At theater the wife whispers to the husband: - Darling, look! This type near you sleeps! - Also that from this? - the husband grumbles. - Unless it is an occasion to awake me? *** - Darling switch off the TV... - a sleepy voice the husband speaks. - I can not, darling, we at a cinema. ***
- Why in my room at a window two grids? - the lodger asks maid. - That that less, does not pass mosquitoes, and that that with the big cells, does not pass flies. *** After a New Year tree in kindergarten the father speaks to the son: - The sonny, you already big, should understand that any Grandfather The frost is not present. It was I. - Yes, I know. After all the stork is too you. *** During a formal dinner party the wife whispers to the husband: - Paul, tell quicker any joke, that I burst out laughing and showed the new gold teeth. *** The lady tells to the friend: - To grow thin, the doctor registered to me daily riding walk. - Well and how, already there are results? - Oh, yes! The horse already grew thin. *** Two women by the car go, bang! the wheel lowered. Both approach to to the wheel, one another speaks: - Well here, all air left... Another answers: - Yes everything, from above remained. *** - Your wife stirs much? - When we were on holiday, at it even language sunbathed! *** The farmer called the doctor and asked to examine her pig: - I can not understand, it so badly adds in weight... - But why you addressed to me?! - the doctor was indignant. - You perfectly could call the veterinarian. - Ah, do not become angry, the doctor, I at all do not trust ours to the veterinarian: it such toshchenkiya... *** - Well as, Peter, crop of this year?
- More than ever! The bag of a potato planted, the bag collected, and one was not gone! *** - You know, at me at a dacha all vegetables devoured medvedka! - And at me at a dacha the hedgehog was got and devoured all a medvedok! - For such business and a bottle it is not a pity to deliver to it! - Yes for a bottle I and a medvedok will gobble up all! *** The farmer speaks to the husband behind morning coffee: - Darling, and after all tomorrow twenty five years, as we with you are married! Whether pin up to us about it a kabanchik? - Here still nonsense! what it is guilty? *** The farmer insured from a fire a barn. - And if my barn burns down today at night, how many I will receive? - Years ten, - the insurance agent answered. *** - Why you in a garden have no scarecrow? - And what for? I and whole day of the house. *** - What potato at you! Than you fertilized it? - And! Than only did not fertilize - grows, an infection! *** Two farmers conduct conversation about weather. - If these warm rains last two-three more days, all from the earth it will be smoked, - one rejoices. - Do not frighten you me, for God's sake. At me on this cemetery are buried two wives! *** The man goes in a cart. The friend to it shouts: - What you carry? That answers it with whisper: - Oats. - And why silently you talk? - That the horse did not hear. ***
- The publisher of the newspaper in our city refuses to print obituaries dead men who were not his subscribers. - Than he explains it? - He says that these people for it in general when did not live. *** On a big state holiday which was simply target, the journalist interviews radio: - You would not like to tell something about a today's holiday? - Yes you went! - And so in all city: jokes, laughter, fun. *** Journalist: - I came, the sir to interview you. Known statesman: - Kindly, go home, write interview and give it to me on viewing. - Please, the sir, here it, get acquainted with it. *** - Tell, - the young writer at the editor tries to find out, - whether is in general the hope, what my story will appear in your magazine? - Well certainly. All people are mortal, and I - am not eternal. *** The abstract artist speaks to the friend: - I got to a difficult situation. The client who ordered to me the the portrait, wants, that I changed color of his eyes. - Well, change, what to you costs? - So after all I do not remember, in what place drew eyes! *** - Whether you want to take part in our chorus? You know, simply it is wonderful! When we gather, we eat, we drink, we dance, we flirt... - And when you sing? - At night when we come back home. *** One lady asked the artist to draw her portrait. When it was it is finished, it sent behind it the husband. - Bravo, bravo! - the husband of the artist praised. - Precisely as in life. Here she will swear! ***
The wife of the writer subdued women at evening the dress. - My God, it after all costs, oho-go! - Fairy tale, poem! - Đ, no, darlings, it costed to me the whole novel, - told with a sigh writer. *** In policlinic at a door to a snadpisye "STOMATOLOGIST" is pushed female head: - Tell, a dokotor where here abortions do? - Pass, sit down in a chair... - As, after all you dentist! - Yes what difference, meter is higher, the meter is lower.... *** The dentist speaks to the patient: - It is not necessary to open a mouth so widely. - But you told to me that should enter there a pocket mirror and tools. - But I will remain outside! *** - The doctor, teeth which you to me inserted, very much hurt. - Perfectly! It serves as the best proof of that teeth - as presents! *** The stomatologist, examining the patient, said: - Well and hollow! Well and hollow! Well and hollow! - Why you repeated this phrase three times? - the patient asks at doctors. - I told only once. Two times were repeated by an echo. *** - Callous type, - the dentist reproaches the son. - To squander my money, without reflecting, with what human sufferings they are connected. *** Boxing - a magnificent view of sports! I on it fine earn. - You, probably, known boxer? - I am a dentist! *** The dentist, tying up a finger, leaves an office and speaks
swear at the small patient: - I to it just filled a tooth. Do not allow it to bite anybody another at least still an hour and a half!