6 minute read
Parenting
By Michael Aurit, JD, MDR
LET’S TAKE A look inside a co-parenting mediation. Having divorced a year earlier, the parents have both agreed to some minor updates to their parenting plan. For example, their kids’ “pick up time” would be an hour later, and they would divide payment for their son’s braces in proportion to their income. Once all of the practical matters were attended to, rather than wrapping up, they both sat very still, and I, as their mediator, could sense their frustration and pain.
Mediator: What else could we talk about to help improve things for either of you? [Pause] Mom: I would like to talk about Samantha meeting our kids. Dad: No. I won’t. Mom: You completely disregarded the one thing I asked of you! Dad: I don’t have to tell you anything. Mom: If you would have just told me you were going to introduce her to the kids, I would have probably accepted it. But you didn’t even tell me! Dad: Like you didn’t tell me about the kids’ doctor appointments last week? I deserve to know these things! Mom: It’s not the same! Dad: I have no obligation! [Silence] Mediator: I see it. I can step into both of your shoes. It’s interesting—it seems like the heart of this is about wanting to feel respected. It hurts to feel disregarded. It can be very hard to communicate things that you think will cause conflict. However, when the lines of communication aren’t open, everyone gets hurt. Communicating things in advance signals basic respect. It’s a predicament that all co-parents face after divorce.
To communicate before the fact and risk causing conflict before you do something, or not to communicate before the fact and ensure conflict after you do something.
Proactively communicating with your co-parent about sensitive topics takes courage. Even more, after the fact, it takes tremendous courage to acknowledge that you would do something differently, knowing what you know now.
Acknowledging that you could have handled the situation in a better way helps both parents to feel a sense of relief and move forward. Courage is key to co-parenting communication.
Mediator: Dad, knowing what you know now, would you have done it differently? [Silence] Dad: (With feeling) Yes. Mediator: You would have told Mom that you were introducing the kids to Samantha beforehand? Dad: Yes, I would have done it differently. Mom: (Visibly relieved and with tears in her eyes) I would have too.
Lesson 1: It is best to communicate with your co-parent sooner rather than later. Lesson 2: As co-parents, there is always room for improvement. When you realize your co-parent might have a point, you can best respond by acknowledging that you could—or even would “have done something differently.”
Acknowledgment is powerful and can restore dignity and repair perceived disrespect. Co-parents who make it a habit develop healthier co-parenting relationships and everyone wins, most importantly the children.
Courageous Co-Parenting is Raising Arizona Kids’s monthly column for separating or divorced parents to learn conflict resolution skills, strategies, and attitudes for healthy co-parenting. These concepts apply to all parents. Please feel free to share the column with your co-parent.
Michael Aurit, JD, MDR, is a Professional Mediator and Co-Founder of The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation in Scottsdale. Michael is married to Karen Aurit, and they live in Phoenix with their three and five-year-old daughters. To learn more, visit auritmediation.com
An appreciation for fathers
By Alex Swartz
FATHER’S DAY is a time to celebrate the important role that dads play in their children’s lives. For a long time, fathers were seen as “secondary” parents, while mothers stereotypically handled most nurturing and parenting duties. But parenting research and shifted gender expectations have led to a growing appreciation for fathers who are involved in their children’s lives.
Here are just a few of the many ways involved fathers and father figures can positively impact their children:
Cognitive development
A child’s cognitive development clearly benefits from a parent who is highly involved in play and caregiving activities. Infants as young as 5 months old score higher on tests of cognitive development if they have a highlyinvolved father figure. As they get older, these children also get better grades and are more successful in school (Cummings & O’Reilly). These children are also more curious and more engaged with their education.
Boost confidence
By showing their children love and attention, parents help raise children who feel valued and loved. Children with supportive father figures are happier and have greater selfesteem. These children have less anxiety and learn to create more positive relationships with others (Cabrera).
Positive male role model
Father figures can be a great role model for children, promoting good behavior and relationship practices. Children with more involved father figures learn to be compassionate and sociable, and demonstrate greater impulse control (Newton, Easterbrooks & Goldberg). Fathers who share parenting duties and household chores with mothers also show their children positive gender-role characteristics.
Modern families are complex! Sometimes, dads aren’t present in a child’s life for a variety of reasons. Some children are raised by single mothers, two moms, grandparents, relatives, or any other combination of parental figures. But that doesn’t mean kids from these households necessarily miss out on the benefits of having an involved caregiver who fills the roles dads may play.
Decades of research assure us that loving caregivers within any family structure can raise their children to develop into healthy, happy people. This is good news, of course. But, reserving a day a year to honor fathers is good for everyone! It reminds us to counter the stereotypes of fathers—the financial provider, the “fun” parent, the absent parent, the disciplinarian--which erroneously constricts fathers and unfairly places mothers in the position of having to meet all of the opposite stereotypes.
Father’s Day reminds us that the continuous presence of a loving, supportive, attentive, and actively involved father or father figure contributes immensely to children’s health and well-being.
All content in this article, including any advice or commentary from Southwest Human Development staff and/or others, should be considered an opinion and is provided for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for medical or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the direct advice of your own trusted professional with any questions or concerns you may have regarding the child/ren in your care. Southwest Human Development does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, products, procedures or other information that may be mentioned in this article. You may contact Southwest Human Development’s Birth to Five Helpline at 1-877-705-KIDS (5437) to speak with one of our early childhood professionals for personalized assistance. Birth to Five Helpline specialists are available Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m.
