Relationships

HEALTHY LOVE HABITSSavoringBy Karen Aurit, LAMFT

HOLD YOUR PARTNER’S hand like a warm cup of hot chocolate, and savor the moment.

New, groundbreaking research shows that “savoring the moment” can “elicit heightened levels of interest and enthusiasm” and “increase positive emotions” even during challenging times.

Just what the relationship doctor ordered!

Savoring means to focus on our positive emotion in the moment, deepening into the feeling and clinging to it for a bit longer than usual. We can also savor a memory from the past or excitement for the future.

Human beings are hardwired to search for the negative—it’s part of our evolutionary nature. Daily strains and stressors increase our tendency to focus on negative attributes and find fault with our partner. We may put up walls or take them for granted. We may begin to question the relationship because we feel that the “thrill is gone.”

The truth is that maintaining the “thrill” requires action. Even the strongest relationships are emotionally affected by the strain and stress of life. In successful relationships, partners intentionally act themselves into positive feelings. Current research shows that savoring may be the most effective action you can take to increase positive feelings toward your partner.

With your partner, you might savor: • A routine good-bye kiss by extending it for a few moments, embracing and making eye contact. • A routine dinner by setting a romantic table with a candle, flowers, dim lights, and soft music—you might even say,

“let’s savor these moments.” • The fantasy of your next vacation by viewing destination photos together and imagining how magical it will be. • Past moments by looking through photos of yourselves together and reminiscing about your most special memories. • A favorite song you both love by blasting it and singing your hearts out.

Challenging times are inevitable and the emotional state of your relationship is bound to ebb and flow. Plenty of savoring can help you more easily accept your partner’s imperfections and focus on their positive attributes. Allow yourself to really enjoy the good times and savor them for as long as you can.

Healthy Love Habits is Raising Arizona Kids’s monthly relationship column for learning simple habits to create the healthy and loving connection you desire and deserve.

Karen Aurit, LAMFT, is Director and Co-Founder of The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation. Karen is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in mindfulness. Karen is married to Michael Aurit, and they live in Phoenix with their with their four and five-year-old daughters. To learn more, visit auritmediation.com

COURAGEOUS CO-PARENTING The Power of REFRAMING

By Michael Aurit, JD, MDR

CO-PARENT: I would ask you about switching our days with the kids next week, but you’re totally in your own world, and now that you’ve got a “new friend,” what I think doesn’t matter.

You could react.

You: My own world?? You’ve been in your own world for years!

You: What does my new friend, who has a name, have to do with anything?

You: When have you ever asked me to switch days!?

And the conversation goes downhill from there.

Or—you could reframe.

You: I think I’m hearing you say that you want to trade Monday for Tuesday next week. That works for me.

Imagine your co-parent’s response to that beauty!

Reframing is restating what someone says to you in a new and more productive way. Reframing a statement that focuses on the true meaning and removes any blame, criticism, or defensiveness. Reframing is the most effective strategy I use as a professional mediator to help parents communicate better.

Here are some tips when reframing something your co-parent says or writes:

• Validate your co-parent’s emotions. • Clarify your co-parent’s intent of the message. • Remove any blame, criticism, or defensive language or tone. • Use more neutral or positive language. • Highlight any opportunities.

Co-Parent: You’re always late, and it cuts into my time with the kids!

Here’s how you can pause, reframe, and respond:

You: [Pause]

[Validate] I understand—I would be upset too. [Clarify their intent] Every moment matters.

[Remove blame / Use positive language]

I hear you saying that it’s important that the kids be ready for you on time. [Neutral] For the next month, they have swim lessons until 5 p.m., so the earliest they can be ready is 5:15 p.m. [Highlight opportunity] Would it work for you to pick them up from swimming or drop them off 15 minutes later to make up the time?

You don’t have control over what your co-parent says, but as a courageous co-parent, you can pause and reframe it before responding. Reframing instantly changes the course of the conversation.

Your co-parent can let go of frustration or defensiveness, hearing that you understand their true intention. By responding strategically rather

The KARAOKE EXPERIMENT

In a recent study at Harvard, Professor Alison Brooks had a large group of people sing karaoke for a crowd of strangers. She told the singers that someone would ask them how they felt before their big performance. Half were told to respond, “I’m feeling anxious,” and the other half were told to respond, “I’m feeling excited.” Nintendo’s Super Karaoke results showed that the group that said “anxious” had an accuracy rate of about 50% compared to “excited,” which had about 80% accuracy.

Holy Reframing-Realization!—using more

positive language affects our perspective and improves behavior. The words co-parents choose to convey their message are just as important as the message itself.

than reacting, you will receive more peaceful responses from your co-parent, staying true to your goal of maintaining peace in your life.

Now, step into your power and practice reframing in all your relationships.

Courageous Co-Parenting is Raising Arizona Kids’s monthly column for separating or divorced parents to learn conflict resolution skills, strategies, and attitudes for healthy co-parenting. These concepts apply to all parents. Please feel free to share the column with your co-parent.

Michael Aurit, JD, MDR, is a Professional Mediator and Co-Founder of The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation. Michael is married to Karen Aurit, and they live in Phoenix with their with their four and five-year-old daughters. To learn more, visit auritmediation.com