Listening Inspired by Martin
Me listening If 'me' listening were seating positions they would be seats side by side Typical 'me' listening conversations: Colleague: I've got a meeting with the new boss later this morning. I've heard they really gave John's department a real slating; I'm not looking forward to following that. You: I'm in after you; I'm not feeling much better either. Colleague: Wish me luck. You: I'll need all the luck myself! But good luck anyway.
Signs of 'me' listening: For you
For them
Your attention is on you and what the conversation means to you
They may feel that the conversation is moving away from them to you
You are aware of how you feel
They may feel it's a bit of a competition
The conversation reminds you of personal experiences, which you probably share
They get to share in your wealth of knowledge and experience
You think it's your job to find a solution and offer suggestions
They may feel their words have been heard but not the real meaning
You may get annoyed that your suggestions are It feels like a casual chat, not a meaningful being ignored or they come up with their own conversation. ideas, which you may not agree with You hear the 'chatter' in your head
It is a safe conversation as they don't really have to go into detail
'Me' listening at work: – you are working on the PC when you are on the phone – you are miming a conversation with colleagues whilst on the phone – you switch off and think about something random – you realise that you've missed part of the presentation – when you get asked a direct question you realise that you hadn't paid full attention
You listening If 'you' listening were seating positions they would seats opposite each other Typical 'you' listening conversations: Colleague: I've got a meeting with the new boss later this morning. I've heard they really gave John's department a real slating; I'm not looking forward to following that. You: What are you worried about? You've only had praise from the previous boss. Colleague: Wish me luck. You: You don't need any luck, you'll do just fine.
Signs of 'you' listening: For you
For them
Your attention is on what the other person is saying, without external distractions
They feel really listened to
You notice the other's posture, facial expression They feel they can trust you and may tell you or hand movement more than they had intended to You are aware of their tone of voice, volume, or They experience active listening pace You notice the emotion behind the words and not just what is being said
They come up with their own solutions
You can show empathy and understanding by just being there
They feel more motivated to make changes
You can repeat their words and mirror their body language unconsciously
They do not feel judged
'You' listening at work: – you turn away from the PC when you are on the phone – you can visually block out other colleagues whilst on the phone – you are aware when you your attention wanders and can pull it back to the conversation – you can repeat the key points of the presentation, using the exact wording or key phrases – when you get asked a direct question you can reframe the answer
We listening If 'we' listening were seating positions they would be seats in the middle of the room Typical 'we' listening conversations: Colleague: I've got a meeting with the new boss later this morning. I've heard they really gave John's department a real slating; I'm not looking forward to following that. You: You seem really nervous to me, what's that about? Colleague: I'm really worried they won't think I'm as good as the old boss thought I was. You: Everyone knows you are great at what you do. What helps you manage your nerves? Colleague: Actually, just speaking to you has helped. Thanks.
Signs of 'we' listening: For you
For them
You are equally aware of what is not being said as what is being said
There is total trust between you
You are aware of your gut feeling and can vocalise it
They are able to listen more to their deep seated thoughts and feelings
You use your intuition
They feel they have all the time in the world to speak
You can sense the 'temperature' in a room
They are less intimated to show their emotions
You are not afraid of silence
They do not feel judged
'We' listening at work: – you close your eyes when listening to someone on the phone to fully concentrate – you can sense the mood of the office as well as how the other person is feeling – there is no chatter in your head – you speak without thinking, and it turns out to the right thing to say – your intuition and gut feelings are mostly correct