Journey to God

“Journey to God” Seeing God through the Eyes of Job The Story of Ray Carman

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Many who know me may read this and think, “Aha, now that makes a lot of sense!” Others may wonder, “What is going on here?” Still others will refuse to accept this and see it maybe as an attempt to make excuses for past behaviors and things in my life. I assure you, it is for none of these reasons that I write.

I honestly had no desire to write this at all. For one, I am not a writer, as this work will make clear and evident. Number two, everything in me wants to hide all of this, cover it up. Why? Because it is very revealing of myself and the depths of my soul. My instinctive nature is to protect, especially myself. I have always had a struggle with self absorption, self promotion, self defense, and self preservation. So to reveal these things goes against my very nature and being.

SO why write? Why do this?

Simple! I am compelled to write. Compelled by God himself. Compelled by love! The love of God and a love for God. Even more! A love for His people, my people. My brothers and my sisters who are captive to an unseen foe! There is nothing more, nothing less, I only write because of LOVE! Some names have been changed along the way, for purposes only God knows. And, to those who will wonder, NO, this is in no way my attempt to excuse my past failures and sins. I accept them as my own. I committed them, and Jesus bore my shame for them. However, there are now things I have learned that open a deeper understanding of God’s work in me.

So to you, the reader, thanks for taking the time to read this. My only prayer and desire is that God can be seen in all His Power, His Might, but mainly, in His Love. If anything other than God Himself is taken from this, then the point of it all has been missed completely. My only desire is for Him to seen for who He truly is! May He use me to do His good pleasure.

Matthew 7:14 “For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” (ESV) I would like to thank my dear wife, Katie Carman, for her immeasurable support as I have been taken through this difficult journey. She has been a solid rock and has blessed me in more ways than I could count. Thank you Sweet Heart for all your love and I am so excited to see what all God is doing in your heart! Keep your eyes on Him for our journey has just begun!

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Letter From God “Oh My People! My dear bride is lost and held captive! You are confused and you have been deceived. You are chasing a false image of Me, therefore you cannot find Me. My heart is broken for you. I long to be with you in perfect communion as we used to be. But you are trapped in a web of deception and lies. That old serpent, Satan, has transformed himself into an angel of light pretending to be Me. He has filled your bellies and bank accounts in order to hold you captive. He has you believing in his lie that I am a God who is bound by certain laws and rules that lead you to a life of prosperity here on earth. He has given you what you wanted, a God you can control. Oh, how you are mesmerized by his light and you are basking in its feelings of warmth and security. If only you could only see the danger ahead of you. Oh My people, how I love you and long for you to be free.

Please, I beg of you, hear my cries, my laments oh lover of Mine. I am looking over you, as My Son, Jesus, looked over Jerusalem, and I am weeping. Weeping because you are missing Me altogether because you have been lied to. I long to gather you unto Myself and show you my true love. So that you can be One as We are one, but you will not let Me. The time has come in which I can take this no more. I have been sending out my servants to call you to repentance, and I continue to send them, but you will not listen. I have been calling you back to myself, but you will not come. Therefore, I am coming to you Myself. I am coming to get you because you are special to Me and I am a Jealous God! I have been scorned like a lover who was cheated on, but I love you anyway! I Am standing at the door, begging you to come home with Me, but you refuse to come!

Since you won't come back to Me, I am coming to you now and I will bring you home. I will destroy your lover and all he has set up as a false image of Me. I am going to rip him to shreds and cast him away forever. This will not be easy and there will be pain involved for both you and Me. But I will do whatever it takes, no matter how much it hurts, because I love you that much! My will is for us to enjoy the amazing depths of My love, and nothing can stop My will!

You will endure a lot of pain and suffering during this time, but remember, everything that I do, I do because of My love for you. You must trust me! You must completely surrender everything you are and have into My hands. It won't be easy as I will offer you up for testing and perfecting through trials of fire! However, I will NEVER completely let you go. I will always have you in My hands. Nothing can touch you unless I open My hands to allow you to feel more of Myself. As you endure these times of pain, your heart will grow to know the love you so desperately are seeking, My love! And My love is so much greater than the love you have been drawn away into. My love is pure and real. Once you gain a real understanding of who I Am, then you will know my love in the measures I intended from the start.

But to know my love, I must first expose the ugliness and shallowness of your lover, the Devil. When I do that, you will scream out in pain and terror. At first I am going to appear terrifying, but as you grow in the true knowledge of Me, you will finally be able to see My love for what it really is. Then, and only then, will we be able to enjoy the communion you have been praying for, and longing for in your dreams. This will be the communion your songs of worship

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and desire have attempted to paint a picture of. The reality of it though is so much more than your words can ever begin to describe!

Satan has stolen you away, but I am coming to bring you home and nothing will stop Me! I am going to show you again the love that my Son displayed to you on the cross.

You are mine and one day soon we will be together again!�

I love you!

God

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Encounter with God. 9-11-2009

It was a gorgeous September day in Tennessee. It was a Friday, September 11th, and for most of the world, it was the beginning of the weekend! For me, it was the beginning of another great weekend of work at auctions.

I am an Auctioneer. I come from a long family history of Real Estate Agents and Auctioneers. Ever since I was 5, I would spend the majority of my Saturdays working with my dad and grandfather doing auctions. And this weekend was no different.

The day flew by and night was settling in. I hurried about the house that evening, enjoying family time with my kids and wife. Katie and I had married 9 1/2 years earlier and had been blessed with two wonderful girls, Hailey and Raygan. We were also very excited, as we were mere months away from having another child. It would be our first son to raise. Katie had given premature birth to a boy, Rylan, back in 2007. Our hearts were broken, and we had chosen not to seek another baby for our life. At the end of 2008, we had looked into adoption and were actually working on it. That is when we found out Katie was pregnant! As things moved forward, we learned that God had blessed us with a boy in Katie’s womb. Needless to say, I was one tickled dad!

When 9pm rolled around, we put the girls to bed and Katie and I hung out for a little bit.

Around 10, Katie drifted off to sleep, and I waited for my nightly duty of helping Raygan to the bathroom. Raygan, 5 at this time, always got up around 11 to go to the bathroom. However, she never really woke up, but rather would sleep walk around the house till someone found her and pointed her in the right direction. Every night, this was my final chore before falling asleep.

Right at 11pm, Raygan followed her normal routine and I put her back to bed. It was finally time for me to rest. I said a simple prayer and closed my eyes to go to sleep.

That is when it happened!

I have no words to explain it, other than, the Holy Presence of God entered into our bedroom. It was both electrifying, and terrifying at the same time. I had read other peoples stories, and even heard a few in person, of different men and women who had experienced this very thing! But nothing can prepare you for the actual experience! Words cannot express the awesomeness of Gods Majestic presence. I opened my eyes and instantly knew I was in the holy presence of the Almighty God of the universe. It was so intense, I wondered how Katie could actually be sleeping through this moment.

What followed was an encounter with God that lasted throughout the night. He had come to speak to me about things on my heart and things He was showing me. I had many questions on my heart, and I had been asking God what He was trying to show me. I had questioned whether or not He was paying attention to what was happening around me. I had seen and experienced so many wrong teachings and personal pain, I was asking Him “Where are you?”

Well, here He was, and He had come to speak with me.

Here is our dialog from that night:

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God - “Ray! What do you want most of all?”

Me - “God, I want what You want. I want your name to be glorified through me and my family.”

God repeated this same question a couple of more times, and each time I responded with the same answer. I had been studying God and His heart and I had seen in Scripture where He had said in Isaiah 42:8 and 48:11 how He would not share His Glory with anyone else. Also, in Matthew 5, Jesus had commanded us to “Let our light shine, so the world would see our good works and glorify our father in heaven.” I had come to see that God was most interested in His own glory. Now, if that was His hearts desire, then, I wanted it to be the desire of my heart and those who I loved the most. (the word “glory” is mentioned 375 times in the KJV and 338 in the ESV as a side note).

The problem with this, is that I had come to see how much of my life was not reflecting His glory. So much of what I did was for myself and for my own glory. Now that does not make me any different than most men, however, I had also seen how this had affected so many people around me.

I was given eyes to see how we as His people had lost sight of God's ultimate desire.

We had become so self absorbed, that we were busy doing service “for God” but not “walking with God.” And there is a HUGE difference. This broke my heart and I began to weep there in God's presence. As the burden grew heavier, I thought of my own family, the family I was born into, The Carmans.

Over the years, things had changed for us. When I was a child, we seemed to be one big happy family. Everyone worked together, not only in business, but also in the pursuit of Christ. We were a blessed family in our work endeavors and had grown very prosperous. Our company had grown during our 100 years working in the real estate and auction business. It seemed as if God was blessing us for our efforts to serve Him. I cannot recount how many times I heard, “This is what we do for a living, but our real work is His kingdom work.” That is how I had been raised, to work hard and love God. At the time of this night with God, we were mostly at odds with each other. A line of division had been drawn over issues of ownership in the business. We put on a “happy face” for the public to see, but in the inner circles, things were very tense. No one really said much about it, but we all felt it.

I began to see several of my generation in the family running from God. They had chosen to walk their own path, and were caught in the chains of drugs, drinking, and other life choices. Some had even completely turned their back on God all together. I could not help but wonder what had gone wrong. Where had we gone astray and lost sight of His goals? I longed for our hearts to be restored to unity, and once again, for Gods glory to be seen through our entire family.

I knew this longing had to be God's heart as well! From all I had learned of Him and read about him over the years, I was positive He wanted us to live in harmony again and bring Glory

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to His name. Therefore, I had been making this the single cry of my heart, I wanted us to be unified again and to bring Him glory!

So God allowed me to pour out all of my heart to Him that night. He simply listened, and then He asked questions. Mainly the same thing over and over, “What do you want most of all?”

I began to have a vision of all my family gathered together at my grandparents house to celebrate Christmas. Everyone was gathered in around the tree, and the feeling in the room was one of typical holiday spirit. We were cordial, but the underlying tension was still evident.

Suddenly, I stood up and asked for their attention. I began to pour out my heart to them about my desire for us to live in unity of heart so God could be glorified again through our family. I pleaded with them over and over to put aside our differences that we were holding on to. The division we were living in was only causing our family to be hurt! Our business was being hurt, but most importantly, it was causing a negative impact on the eternal souls of some in the room and people God had brought into our lives.

This same vision repeated several times. Each time, the response was negative. People refused to listen and told me to “shut up and sit down!”

I knew why they were all upset! You see, I had committed “treason” in 2006 by leaving the family company to start my own business in the same field of work. Money and control had been the major issues as I wanted more of both. In my own heart, my reasons seemed pure at the time as I only wanted to grow the company in preparations for the future. Competition in our fields had began to spring up all around us and we were seemingly losing precious ground. I was sure I could help turn the tide by using new and less expensive marketing methods and by being more of a “forefront” person in our auction industry. I presented my case for this, but was repeatedly turned down. So, after much thought and prayer, and encouragement of some friends, I started my own Real Estate and Auction Company. I set out to prove my points, always thinking they would finally see I was right and we would one day return to our former glory!

This move of course was very hard on me and my little family. I had a passion for our family company and leaving was no small thing. I had become very good my job and had seen the rewards from it. I was in no real financial position to start up a new company, and I knew the road would be tough and the relationship consequences great! However, I had no idea on how severe these consequences would really be!

My little efforts had actually flourished, and I was making more money than ever before and had the control I had wanted. Things were looking up, and in my heart, I just knew eventually they (my family) would see I was right and we would patch things up. But, things actually got worse. As tensions grew, Katie and I began to avoid the family gatherings because it was really too much for us. Everyone smiled, but we felt the anger deep within, and we really did not understand. (Of course, my own pride and selfishness was not helping out in the situation. But at that point, I could not see my own faults, only theirs.)

Our family was seemingly in a downward spiral. My father’s personal business had stagnated, his debt had risen, and life was hard for him. I saw my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandfather's business continue to be about the same, but no one seemed to want to help my dad get back on track. My grandfather was giving him money, but that was not really helping.

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I had continued to work with my dad on Saturdays at auctions as I could. I even tried to prove my heart for the family company by co-booking auctions under the family company name.

I was trying to help, but very little progress was being made. During this time, my frustrations with “everyone else in my family” grew. Why were “they” so caught up in this trifling business we were all fighting over anyway? Again, I was blind to my own heart issues in the whole situation.

Near the end of 2008, another rift took place. My aunts had booked two auctions which my grandfather’s crew did not have open slots for. Therefore, they asked my dad to do the auctions with his crew members, which had included me. This time however, they told him they did not want the “competition” (meaning me) working at their sale. When I heard about this, I was enraged. Could they not see all I had done for the family business through continuing to do auctions through them? Couldn’t they see my heart was to help? And most of all, who were they to tell me I could not help my dad? No one was going to keep me from helping him! So I determined to “fix” that situation so it could never happen again.

In January 2009, I moved my auctioneer license back to the family company under my dad. With my auctioneer's license at his office, I was now officially a “part” of the company, while maintaining my “freedom” with my real estate company. I did this both out of spite and pain.

Deep down, I was hoping this would help mend some of our family wounds and begin the restoration process.

Needless to say, as hard as I tried, things only got worse. Tensions constantly mounted.

One day, while helping my dad, my uncle “spewed” out his frustrations about it all onto me. I somehow kept my cool, and felt because I was able to do that, that my side of the argument was justifiable. Why couldn’t he, my uncle, see his attitude was the issue and see his need to repent. Why were things only getting worse every time I tried to make it better?

During this time, God began to do His work in my heart regarding His glory. This was the work that had led me up to this September 11th encounter with God and His question to me, “What did I want most of all?”

After the vision of the Christmas scene had re-run several times, God spoke to me again: “Is what you have seen what you really want in your heart?” He asked.

“No Lord!” I replied, “With all my heart! I want your name glorified through my family again! I want us to be free from the bitterness that divides us.”

Then God did something very painful. He began to reveal to me that the problem was not with my family, but rather, I was the source of the problem. One by one, He took me through the “sins of my family” that I considered as the “issue”, and God began to show me how these sins were really my sins! My issues! The heaviness of my heart broke me, and I began to weep again. I was so loud, I was amazed that I had not caused Katie to wake up, as she was right beside me. God showed me that behind all my actions and desires was a desperately evil heart.

A heart of bitterness, greed, pride, that lusted for power, and lusted for self promotion. All the sins I had accused my family of committing, God suddenly showed me were the sins of my heart.

I cried out, “Oh God, please forgive me! Please God, right my wrongs! Please, set my family free. God I don’t care what happens to me! Please oh God, don’t let them continue to suffer because of my evil heart.”

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The vision of the Christmas gathering came again. This time, I spoke to them of my sin, and I begged them through tears to see what we had become by seeing what I had become. I pleaded with them, for the sake of God, for the sake of my grandparents, and for the sake of the future generations of our family to turn from our bitterness and once again seek God and His glory!”

Suddenly there was a breakthrough in my vision. The Holy Spirit seemed to pour out on us and we wept and repented and unity was restored!

God returned and asked, “Is THIS what you desire in your heart Ray?” “YES LORD!” I replied! “This is the longing of my heart! I want us to be free! To be unified! Not for business! Not for gain! Not for wealth! But rather, for Your glory God! I want others again to look upon us and see You! That through us they would see You and long to have Your love in them. To see our love for each other and want that love in their lives! That is what I want!”

God then asked me a very probing question. “What price would you pay to see this happen?”

“What do you mean Lord? I don’t fully understand your question.” I replied.

“How much are you willing to sacrifice so that you and your family can be free?” God said.

Without hesitation or thought, I replied, “Oh God! Anything! I would give ANYTHING for this to take place!”

“Ray, would you really do anything?” God asked again?

“Yes God, I would!” I blurted out!

“What about your son? Would you sacrifice your son in order for you and your family to be free?” - God Suddenly I was in shock! What was God asking me to do? I turned over to my wife, who was 6 months pregnant with what would be my one and only son to raise here on earth. I had already lost one son, surely God was not asking me to give up another one before he was even born. So I asked for clarification. “ Are you willing to pay that price to see your people set free?” God clarified.

“Oh please God,” I said through my tears. “Please, the price you ask is too much for me to bear. I would give anything to see my family set free, but I do not think I could bear the loss of another son. It hurt so bad the first time, how could you ask such a thing? Is there not any other way?” I was desperate to hear Him offer a different solution, but He did not.

“Ray, you said you would do anything for your people to be free. Will you or will you not be willing to give your son so your family can be free?” And God left it at that.

I wrestled! I twisted and turned. I prayed and begged, but God only waited for my response to His proposal. I thought of my family. I thought of my wife. How would she bear this loss? How could I endure the same pain I felt just a few years earlier? I couldn’t, not in my strength. God was silent as He awaited my reply.

I knew in my heart that He could bring me through it again. Truth flooded my mind of how He would keep me and guide me. How He would give us strength to endure. After all, is

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this not exactly what He had done in order to set His people free? Had He not given His only begotten Son to set me free?

I suddenly realized God was not kidding. He was serious about his offer. He was asking for my son as a sacrifice for my hearts desire of my family being one again to become reality.

After much weeping and wrestling, thinking, and trying to find another acceptable alternative, I cried out, “Okay God! I will do it! If that is what is takes, I will do it! I want my family to be free!”

God left the room! I sang out songs of worship from my heart! One that especially rang true was Third Day’s “Show me Your Glory!” I lifted my hands to the sky in adoration for my King. I knew He was going to glorify Himself and show Himself mightily to me and my family. I looked at my wife, touched the bump on her belly, expressed my love to my son, knowing I had just given him up so God would free me and my family to be who He wanted us to be. I cried and closed my eyes, knowing I may never see my son alive here on earth. I wondered if anyone else would ever know what God had just asked me to do. I looked at the clock, it was nearing 4am. I closed my eyes, asked God to give me strength, and went to sleep.

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Following The Encounter with God Sept 12th, 2009 - April 2010

When I awoke an hour later to go to work, I fully expected to be extremely exhausted.

Instead, I found myself fully energized and awake. It was if I had been given a burst of energy.

God somehow had bestowed a strength on me for the day ahead.

I went to the auction and was excited. I did not mention my time with God, but I shared with several there about the amazement of God’s glory and how He wanted to glorify himself. It was a great day of work and fellowship. I did find a way to break a water line while putting up our tent, but that just added to the laughter of the day.

Days came and days went, and months rolled by. The time for the birth of our son arrived, and actually passed without a hitch. He was due on Christmas Day in 2009, however he was too stubborn to arrive when he was expected. We went to the OBGYN and discovered that Katie was not progressing as she should. I had told no one about my evening with God, but this news brought back the reality that my son was in His hands. I had offered him in my heart as a sacrifice for the freedom of my family. The freedom from the bondage that kept us from glorifying God in our lives in the way He intended for us too. I could not let anyone know the heaviness in my heart, so silently I prayed, asking God to please do it any other way if possible!

However, I knew I must say “not my will, but Yours be done.”

12-28-2009, we were at the hospital and they induced Katie’s labor. Immediately it was evident that our son had already had a bowel movement in the womb. This could be an issue, and I was fully prepared to have my son arrive stillborn.

Around 12:30pm, all my fears were set aside as my son, Truett McGraw Carman, arrived in full health! He was a gorgeous and loud young man. I lifted my hands inside my soul to God, praising Him for giving me back my son.

This however caused me to wonder, if Truett is okay, and Christmas had already come and gone, had God chosen not to answer the deepest desire of my heart. Was He not going to redeem us and glorify Himself through our unity as a family once again?

Weeks slipped by, and more months passed. I suddenly found myself at the end of March in 2010 and nothing significant had happened regarding my family. I was somewhat confused and frustrated. I was expecting big things from God, and I expected them to happen quickly. My impatient spirit was stirring around, but all God would say is, “Wait.” Waiting however is NOT my strong point, but what else could I do?

I had received a call from a good friend of mine several weeks prior asking if I could participate in a basketball game they had coming up. It was somewhat considered an “Alumni” game for my old high school, but that was just because there were some faint connections to the old program. It was really a tune up for the kids to prepare for a state tournament they had coming up, so I agreed although I had not played much ball in recent times.

That day arrived and I packed up my family for the evening. Some of my younger cousins were playing for the high school teams that evening, so we arrived early to watch a little of the volleyball and junior squad basketball games before ours began. My two girls were a little

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antsy, so we ended up on the adjoining court with several other kids so they could run and play before “daddy’s” game got started. As I was watching them play, I noticed my cousin, Matthew, coming right toward me, and he had a look of determination on his face. As he approached he said, “Hey, I need to talk to you!” My initial reaction was one of shock.

Matthew and I had not spoken much since I had “deserted” the family company in 2006 and had become a “rival” of sorts. I wasn’t really a huge threat, but none the less, there was definite division between us. We barely even said a cordial “hello” at family events.

Matthew and I are only a few years apart in age. Matt’s older brother and I basically grew up together, and Matt was always around. He was the youngest of the first 5 grandsons, which made him the perfect “5th” player for things like football and basketball. He was not quite old enough to keep up with us, but was not young enough to exclude. Over the years, after taking our best “beatings” Matt had become a very good athlete and excelled in basketball during his high school years. His shooting touch from 3-point land was sweet to watch.

My heart had been burdened for Matt and our broken relationship for awhile. I had determined to try and do my part to restore it, but the fracture just seemed to difficult to repair. I had resolved myself to the understanding that it probably would never be as it was before.

Now here I was, Matt approaching me “needing to talk.” I braced myself for anything to come out of his mouth. The look in his eye told me nothing more than he was determined to talk. This could be anything! Maybe just a simple business conversation, or maybe a deal he need to work on with me. It could be an attack or an outburst of frustration that had finally come to a head. I honestly could not tell, and the shock of him approaching me had me on my heels.

What he had to say floored me!

“Ray, I need to talk to you. I need to ask your forgiveness. I have been wanting to draw closer to God, but I have held bitterness in my heart toward you, and I know I cannot grow in my relationship with Him if I continue to hold these things in my heart. I still don’t agree with some of the things you and your dad do business wise, but I can’t hold this in my heart anymore. Will you forgive me?”

I was speechless for a moment. I must have sounded like a bumbling fool trying to get out the words “Sure, yes, absolutely! Forgiveness has been yours and is yours. No sweat.” I went on to ask for clarification for some of the “other things” he was talking about regarding the things he disagreed with in business that dad and I had done. I could tell he did not really want to go too far with it, but I had to know what he was talking about, so I urged him on.

That night, Matthew laid out several differences that we had when it came to business.

Some were things that my father had done, and seeing I worked with him closely, were perceived were my thoughts. Other things he mentioned were all things I had done. Things I had control over. Things I really did not know were issues. Once he mentioned them, I instantly said “I will never do those things again. They are gone for good.”

By the time our conversation ended, my heart was soaring! Was this the beginning of what God had spoken to me about on Sept 11th. Matt had revealed to me through his pursuit of forgiveness, my own need to pursue restoration with other members of my family. I needed to seek out some I had hurt in my pursuit of self gratification and self promotion. I needed to

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confess my sins as he had done and do more than pray for healing. I needed to admit my faults and seek restitution in our relationships.

As we played, my feet felt like they were floating and my heart was doing the same thing. We ran up and down that court, mostly looking like the old men we were, but in the end, we handed those youngsters a loss. On the way home, I was overjoyed! I was once again looking forward with excited anticipation to God breaking us free from our bondage and glorifying Himself through our love for one another.

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April 2010 - June 2010 Moving forward from that evening with Matthew, I began to seek Gods face more earnestly for what He wanted me to do next. I knew I had to speak to my grandfather and seek his forgiveness for my pride and arrogance when I defected away from the family business to seek greater gain for myself. I also now had seen, through Matthew's conversation, that I had actually intensified some old issues between my dad and his siblings that had laid dormant for 20+ years. I could see how I had hurt my aunts and uncles, but mostly, how I had caused greater issues between them and my father. My actions had unearthed problems that had never been resolved. Worst of all, I could see now, from my dream and conversation with Matt, that I actually was the source of deep sin that was causing our disunity, which was not bringing God glory.

I spoke to Katie about these things, and began to seek God in prayer, and also, looking for opportunities to ask for forgiveness from these individuals as God would open the door. The one thing I did not want to do was rush ahead of God and actually cause more problems. So I prayed and I waited.

I was able to speak to my grandfather and he instantly said everything was okay and he forgave me. Next I sensed I needed to seek out my two aunts and uncle with whom I had had the greatest arguments when I left to start up my own company. I had said some very hurtful things to them and caused them a lot of grief. As I waited and prayed, God finally opened the door.

I dropped by the office to deliver some things for dad. While there, I noticed the place was mostly empty and my Uncle Lloyd was upstairs. I went up to see if he had a minute. I poured out my heart to him, and with the ease of a butterfly on wind, he forgave me and expressed his love throughout the entire situation.

Next, I went downstairs and found his wife, my Aunt Kathy. I asked her for a minute, and we slipped away to a room all to ourselves. I noticed she brought a pen and paper to write down anything that may needed to be remembered. I am sure she was expecting a “business deal offer,” as that is all I had spoken of with them over the previous 4 years. As I shared my heart, I could tell the air was lifting and God was doing His work. My aunt too, expressed her love and forgiveness, but there was more to talk about.

Part of my apology was to say how sorry I was for causing such problems between them and my dad. From my view point, my father had done what any father would do, and had taken my side. In fact, I learned he had really given my aunts a lot of grief over “treating me the way they did.” On the one hand, I could understand, he was a dad looking out for his son. On the other hand, I could see it had all gone too far and I saw the depths of the divide my sin of greed and lust for power had caused.

My dad was in a very bad place financially. He had never been very good with money, always spending more than he had. My mom had been able to temper that some, but their battles had raged behind closed doors for years. Finally, in 2001, my mom and dad divorced under very bad circumstances. I was young and recently married, but I took my dad’s side in the issue. After all, he was the “preacher who always lived his life for Jesus,” serving others. I had

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seen him do more for others than anyone else in my life. He was my role model and I wanted to be like him in both life and my spiritual walk. All except for his financial problems of course.

At this point, his financial decisions had really taken over his life. He was in over his head, and his business had come to a screeching halt. Part of the reason for my return to the family company as an Auctioneer in 2009 was an attempt and help him overcome his problems.

I had always been able to get auctions that were profitable, so I thought by coming back, I could somehow “rescue” him and bring him back up to a place of prominence.

During this endeavor, I had also grown in my anger toward these same uncles and aunts, and even Matthew. Their business was thriving, while dads was dying. I considered them selfish for not including my dad in their work more than they did. I just knew if they would allow him to “work with them at auctions” his personal business would take off again. But they wouldn’t, and I could only see one side of the issue, mine!

Dad would often talk about their jealousy of him and that “we were on our own” because they were “afraid of him.” Afraid if he came around that he would “steal business” from them.

This always angered me as they were clearly doing plenty of business and didn’t need it all.

However, I did not know the whole story, only what dad had said.

The issue of my dad came up in this talk with my aunt. I told her I understood that I had “made my own bed” by leaving and I was willing to live with my choices. But, I wanted to know why did they not “want to help dad.” As Kathy shared, my eyes were opened a little bit to “the rest of the story.”

They did want to help dad, but they couldn’t do so to their own hurt. Because of the market downturn in 2008, they were blessed, but not “blowing down the doors.” Rather, they were just “getting by,” and, they had offered to buy anything from dad that he had equity in to help him out. However everything he owned was “upside down” in it's value. Business wise, they were afraid of dad, but not that he would steal the business, rather, that he would destroy it through being a liability. He seemed to do things his own way, not asking for help or any oversight or accountability. In fact, they were in a lawsuit at the moment from a deal dad had done, but they were having to pay for it.

My heart was to see dad rescued and brought back financially. It was a great burden to me to see my father in such terrible straits. Sure, I wouldn’t mind being accepted back into the “family fold,” but I understood what I had done and that I probably could not be trusted. I was okay with my situation, but dad needed serious help. For the past three years, against my better judgment and council, my grandfather had put an enormous amount of money into just keeping dad afloat. Pa was literally paying dad’s everyday bills and putting food on his table. Dad stood on the brink of losing it all, and every time, Pa would come in and rescue the situation. By now, the hole was very deep, and it was only getting worse.

I left the meeting with both a heart of thankfulness for their love and forgiveness, and a feeling of confusion about dad. I had watched dad over the years and I knew he wasn’t good with money. I had tried to help, but I had learned he was going to do his own thing, his own way.

He was not going to take instruction from anyone. That very mindset is what got him into the situation he was currently in, and I could see I was so much like him.

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“God, if you are at work, I am confused. What are you doing? I am following you in this path of seeking forgiveness for my sins, but what are you showing me now?” I prayed.

After this day, I had two more conversations to go. One happened on Easter with my Uncle Darrell, Matthew's dad and my father's youngest brother. He was the uncle who had vented his frustration onto me several months prior. I was not sure how our conversation would go, but I approached him after our Easter gathering. I told him what was on my heart and asked for forgiveness. He gave it, but our conversation lasted for much more than an hour. He had things he wanted to share and issues that went back nearly 30 years. I listened and prayed. At one point he brought up one of his issues with me and dad regarding a little brochure Darrell had seen at the ONE auction we had worked together at in years.

In the beginning of 2009, dad had put together a brochure to send out to try and obtain more business. The project had been paid for by my grandfather, but put together by my dad. It said on the front “Auction Experts since 1910” and had a picture of my dad, my brother, and myself. The picture along with this slogan had offended Darrell. The auction was just down the road from his house, and he felt as if it was a slap in his face, as well as the face of my grandfather. I could tell he was really bothered by this, so in an effort to remove myself from the line of fire, I said, “Oh yeah, that stupid thing. I cant believe dad did that.” The truth was, I had helped design the front of the brochure and even distributed it over a 5 county area. However, I wanted to deflect his anger away from me,and put it all on the person he was really upset with, my dad. This was a move of self preservation.

It must have worked, because when I left, him and I parted on good terms. Inside I knew I had not been completely honest, but I had accomplished my goal of making myself look better.

I felt a disgrace in the situation, but in the moment I could not put my finger on it. I was trying to help dad, but why had I “thrown him under the bus?” My heart was wicked and I had deceived myself into thinking a slight diversion of the truth would not be too big of a deal. I would learn later on I was VERY wrong.

The last conversation was looming over me like a thick dark cloud. I was not looking forward to it at all! My dads youngest sister, Aunt Karen, was who I had left, and our parting had not been good. If Matthew and I had not been on speaking terms, I would have sworn to anyone that Karen HATED me. Every time we were around each other, I felt a coldness in her eyes. I prayed and prayed, then prayed some more. About a week later, the door opened for us to meet.

I was at the office, and found her alone in her room. I poured out my heart and apologize for how I had mistreated her and caused such issues in our family. No sooner had the words left my mouth, she says, “Honey, I forgave you years ago. Contrary to what you may think, I have never stopped loving you. I love you, your wife, and your kids. I always have. You are certainly forgiven.”

Again, I was shocked! I had come to expect the “worst” reaction from her, and here she was, with open arms. Evidently, all the looks I determined were “cold” were only in my perception. I had determined she hated me in my own heart, and that had become my own reality! The truth can truly set you free and I was so excited after our talk.

God was at work!

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June - July 1st, 2010 After these conversations, I was again in full expectancy mode. My uncle from Easter had said that he expected things to get worse before they got better, but I figured he was just speaking from a heart of pessimism. I was optimistic that God was going to redeem our family, and quickly. He had given me my son to raise, brought some healing in my heart and hearts of some of my family, I just knew He was going to blow our minds. I decided to take a back seat, pray, and just watch Him work. I knew I had obeyed His leading and done what I was suppose to do, now it was just a matter of waiting on Him to finish His work.

Summer had arrived!. My real estate business had been fairly slow, but my new favorite saying was, “The bills are paid through midnight,” meaning, our daily needs were being met.

Katie and I had grown restless in our home and were wanting to escape out of the “city life” and get back out into the country, at least a little.

Our home was not bad. In fact, it was really nice. Probably too nice. We lived right in the city of Gallatin, TN, just minutes from every convenience a small family could want. We, however, were feeling a little claustrophobic. We wanted a little land with our home, not just a lot. We were hoping that maybe one day the kids could have a horse, four wheeler, and a little room to roam. I had been raised that way, and wanted the same for our kids. We had actually gotten very involved in a potential land purchase at the end of 2009. When it fell apart, my wife cried many tears. She had already come to picture us on that farm with a place for our kids to play in creeks, ride horses, and explore the woods. It was not to be.

After that, Katie had laid out to me her ideal place. It was to have 3 - 5 acres, not too far out of town, with a ranch house on it, and a pool would be nice. All of that sounded good to me, except for the pool. I had issues with water and a fear of drowning, so I had previously declared I would “NEVER” own a pool.

One day, while out doing some work, I took a back road toward home. I noticed a “for sale by owner” sign in front of a ranch house on what seemed to be five acres. I knew it would be too much for our finances to bear, but I stopped and dialed the number anyway. The owner answered and I asked a few questions about the property. It was an older house in great shape on 5 acres, with a pool, and an additional guest house out back. There was also room for a horse in the back with 20 acres surrounding it. As for the scenario, and location, it was all perfect for Katie. Despite the price being too high, I called Katie and told her about it. I was a little gun shy, as I was afraid she might fall in love again and have another heartbreak.

Katie listened and knew the price was more than we could pay, but she wanted to look anyway out of curiosity. We had both drove by the house plenty of times as this was a shortcut we had used quite often. Just a few months earlier, I had conducted a very large auction just down the road from where this house stood. We called the owner and set up a viewing of the house.

We drove up and knocked on the door. The owner greeted us with a smile and showed us the place. John, the owner, was a older man, near 60. He was short and humble of heart.

You could tell he really loved his place which he had owned for 16 years. He had rented it out for the past 2 years and was now looking to sell it. The renter had not maintained it to his

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satisfaction, and he expressed some embarrassment over things I saw as minor issues.

Everything was nice, and John was doing his best sales job. He told me of all the interest he was having, and that he had just been given an offer, which he had turned down. His price was more than we wanted to spend, and in my professional estimation, way more than the current market value. Everything was nice, but there was also several thousands of dollars of maintenance and updating that needed to be addressed quickly.

I thanked him for his time, and was up front that we liked it, but had a house to sell first, and we were only looking at this point. He said he would be willing to negotiate, but I knew we were not even close in our opinion of value, and Katie was not exactly sold on the house. The house had gone through some renovations over time, and it was definitely done to someones personal taste and needs. We left not thinking much about it, other than “If it were in our price range, and our house was not an issue, we MIGHT be interested.”

A few days later, Katie asked if we could go back for another look. I called John and he said it was fine. We again met him over at the property and he and I walked around the land as Katie viewed the home. As we walked, we began to talk about spiritual matters, and our hearts connected around our God and Father. We soon lost ourselves in conversation, and John told me of how he knew in his heart that this place was meant to be a place of ministry in the hands of God. He told me of how he had walked the perimeter over his time of ownership and had prayed over the place, calling for God to use it for himself. I was intrigued and captivated by our conversation.

What John had no idea about was my own spiritual journey, and how I was currently calling out to God to “show me more” of Himself. I had been raised in a conservative Christian home and knew very little of God's fullness. I had “heard” the stories of it from the Bible and through books, but never experienced much more than the “normal” American Christian life.

Only in the past three or four years had God been revealing himself to me in a deeper way, speaking to me in direct manners. I had grown weary of my religious life and the religious system. God had actually called me away from all I knew, and I was in the midst of an amazing journey of getting to know God in a real and personal way.

Just before meeting John, I had been calling upon the Lord to “show me more!” I was reading Scriptures of the amazing works of Jesus Christ while he was here on earth, but I was confused. Jesus had said that “we would do all these works he was doing, and even greater things!” (John 14:12). I had not seen any of these things Jesus had done, much less “greater things.” I had heard of them from missionary stories, but it seemed as if these kind of things did not happen here in America. I had been told that these works were all things of the past and that God did “miraculous things” through the ordinary now. When John told me of praying over the property and things he had seen in dreams regarding the property, I was intrigued. When we left that day, I had made a friend, and Katie had begun to fall in love with the place. What was God up to I wondered?

John gave us permission to come anytime we wanted to the property, and even left a key hidden so we could go in the house. John called me soon after to let me know that the house was in the middle of the foreclosure process. My heart went out to him and I had already seen it was not going to be our place. We loved the idea, but we were really wanting to

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downsize both in house and mortgage. There was just no way we could do it unless our house sold, and at this point, I really did not sense God leading me to put our house on the market. It just didn’t make any sense to try and sell when the market was down. Still, my heart went out to John.

It was a Saturday that he told me all this, and after our auction that day, I had my uncle Lloyd, (who is an appraiser), and my dad meet me at the property to see what they thought about it. Could we possibly help John out of this mess? I had learned that the “offer” he had been made would have paid off his mortgage, but he had turned it down after finding out the person had called his banker and got the “scoop” on the situation. This had aggravated John and was why he turned them down. In my heart, I felt for him because the offer he had been made was at the top of what I would have ever paid for the property. By now, John had determined in his heart that it was Gods desire that “Katie and I own that house and use it for ministry.” I had not felt the same leading, but then again, John seemed to be more in tune with the Spirit than me. So, I quietly was pondering these things in my heart.

Both my uncle and dad agreed that we could not help him out by doing an auction. My uncle was an investor, but he did not see the profit potential on the property. We all felt bad for John, but there was nothing we could do. We gathered with John in a circle and prayed for him and the situation, asking God to intervene. John thanked us for our time and prayer and hopped back on his mower.

The next day, we went back over to John’s place and let the kids run and play. John and I grabbed a chair in the shade and engaged in conversation. He told me how much he appreciated my family trying to help, and especially my dad's prayer. He told me of a dream he had had that evening of my dad driving by the property, raising his hand out the window of his blue car, and quoting Scripture over John and the property. “Ray, I am so glad God has brought us together, and I just really sense the Holy Spirit in your dad. He is a great man of God!” This was a lot for a man to say about someone he barely even knew, but I had come to accept that John was a man of God who wanted God’s will to take place. At this same time, John had a vision of us living in his house, and he knew beyond a shadow of doubt, that “Katie and I were to be the new owners of his home.” I expressed that we had no problem with that, just that God had not told me that personally and there was the issue of our house and at this point, it would take a “miracle” to sell it. I had no leading to put our house on the market , but John was not swayed and he held to his belief that we would soon own his house.

As we left that day, I told Katie of my conversation with John, and I said, “ I am worried Katie. John is so certain that we are to own his house, I am afraid he is going to stop showing it to anyone else, expecting us to buy it.” We had both come to love the place and we had even made the “odd” renovations fit our personal needs and desires in the house. I had gotten over the pool and even had thoughts of how the guest house could be a rental to help with the payment, or maybe it could be a “Jesus House” where people of God could stay as they passed through. I expressed our uncertainty to John, but he was not phased in his belief. I held all these things in my heart and “mulled them over” in my mind.

A few weeks later, John called me from the road. “Ray, I really believe this is for you guys. I think God has this place for you. I could be wrong, but I really believe it is. Here’s the

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thing Ray, if this is what God wants, you guys won’t be able to get away from it! If it’s not the thing for you, then there is no way you could ever have it. I really believe that.”

I agreed whole heartily with John. If God wanted us to have it, He would make it happen.

I believe in God’s sovereignty over our lives, that He controls every step! I was raised in a home of “Calvinistic Theology,” so I agreed with John, and told him so.

That is when he said this: “So, I want you and Katie to be praying about this. I have other people interested, but I am willing to price it to you cheaper than I have to anyone else.” Then he named his price. It was still much higher than what I thought it was worth, and there was still the issue of our house selling. I told him we would pray, and hung up the phone.

I immediately called Katie into the room and told her about our conversation. When I told her the price, she instantly agreed with me, that we were not interested even at that price. I waited for a day, called John, and simply said that after talking and praying, we really did not feel like God was leading us in that direction. I would continue to pray for him however that God would send a buyer, and, that I was interested in continuing our friendship. John was disappointed, but he accepted my words and we moved forward.

Not long after this, John called me again. He was standing with his former tenant on the property and he said “God told me to call you and ask you if you would take care of the pool for me if I opened it. You and the family can use it all you want for whatever you want, if you will just keep an eye on it for me when I am out of town.” This all sounded good to me. A free pool to use for the summer, and private one at that. I told him I wanted to talk to Katie first, but that I saw no real issues with his proposal. The talk with Katie was the shortest ever! “SURE!” she exclaimed! We set up to meet so John could “show me the ropes” on how to care for the pool.

This started a 6 week stint of caring for the pool and using it at our pleasure. It was perfect for us. Only five minutes from the house! A private pool with an empty house at our disposal. I even offered to mow the yard, seeing as I enjoyed mowing grass and I had a commercial mower. John had never backed off his stance that the house, in his opinion, was meant for us. He continued to speak about it, but at his price, I knew it was not going to happen.

After several weeks of swimming there and mowing the yard, John called me, asking me if I would come over as a “Realtor” and talk to him about the value of his property and possibly listing it. After our earlier prayers, the bank had stopped the foreclosure proceedings and was offering a re-modification on his loan. John thought it was crazy, seeing as he had no job or income for the past two years. But, his heart had been spoken to by God, and if “God could speak through the mouth of an ass (Numbers 23), He surely could direct the hearts of a mortgage company.” Next thing we knew, they had stopped his foreclosure for 90 days. We were praising God, and now he wanted to talk to me about maybe putting it on the market for more exposure than his “For Sale By Owner” sign in the yard.

I was slightly nervous about all this. I knew I would have to finally come out and tell him what I really thought his house was worth. Up to this point, I had been mute on my feelings regarding this. We set up to meet in about 3 days, and I began my research. “God, help me with this. I want to be honest, but I also don’t want to make him mad,” I prayed. The day arrived, and

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I came in with my market data in hand and sat down with John. I whispered another prayer to God for honesty and favor as we began.

We engaged in a little small talk first, then got down to business. When all was said and done, I showed John that his real value was around 20k less than the “great price he had given me.” He looked at me and said, “So, my offer to you then really wasn’t that good huh?” I smiled sheepishly and nodded. John asked me why I had not just told him that several weeks ago? I responded by saying “I really did not want to hurt your feelings.” He reassured me that he had grown to trust me in our short time as friends and he would rather just have me be honest with him.

“So, Ray, what would you, hypothetically, pay me for my house. What would you personally offer me?” John asked.

I suddenly felt like I was on the spot. How was I to respond? Even the figure I had given him was more than I was willing to pay. I beat around the bush for a minute, and John assured me I would in no way hurt his feelings or anger him. Therefore, I shot him a “hypothetical” figure.

He thought for a minute and then responded; “Well, then, would you meet me in the middle between what I offered you and what you are saying?” Again, I was on the spot.

“Sure John, hypothetically, I would meet someone in the middle.” Just so happened the “middle” was the exact price I had told him his house was really worth. “But” I exclaimed, “that is not something I could do without talking to Katie.”

I knew then that John was fishing. He was still telling me the house was for us as he saw it. He had splattered me with story after story of seeing God move in miraculous ways, the very ways I was desiring to see God move in my own life. Healing and revivals, miracles as seen in the Bible. So we left that meeting with John saying, “Ray, I really think this is the thing! I know this place is for you guys. You and Katie pray, and if we can meet at this number, we can agree that if God sells your house, then you guys can buy this one for that price.”

I left feeling somewhat like I had been taken. Not in a bad way, but John had seemingly used my “profession” and my friendship to find out what I really thought of his property so he could make me an offer I would bite on. I talked to Katie, and she was not certain. Suddenly I spoke up in boldness, saying, “You know what, who are we to stand in God’s way. Maybe this is what He wants. If He wants to do a miracle and sell our house without it on the market, then I will take that as a sign we are to buy John’s place.” Katie was not 100% convinced, but she agreed to go along with my thinking. I called John and informed him that we had decided “IF” God sold our house in some amazing way, that we would buy his house on the agreed number.

However, I wanted clarify that we still had NO leading to put our house on the open market.

John was excited and accepted the offer. Now, we were waiting on God.

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July 1st - July 13th, 2010

So here we were! A house that suited our desires perfectly and we had reached a “common ground” on price. We were using the house as if it were our own, even having accepted a set of keys from John for when we came over to use the pool. My work was going steady, but I felt it slowing down. We were just getting by and our “bills were paid up through midnight.” We were living day to day, and finding ourselves trusting God in a deeper way.

I was meeting with a group of guys regularly at a local coffee house, and we all voiced a desire to see God move in ways we had never seen. I told them about the house and all my uncertainties, but also of Johns amazing stories of seeing God move as we desired to see him move. One night, we broke out into a time of deep prayer right in the parking lot of the coffee house. We were desperate to see God! Katie and the kids would go use the pool mostly by themselves, seeing as I had no real desire to swim and my fair skin was not suited for hours in the sun. On a few occasions I would go with them for an evening swim, after the sun had began to set in the west. The trees on the property made for nice shade in the pool from about 4pm on. Every so often, I would “make my daughters day” by swimming with them.

Katie started to invite our family members over to swim and see the house. We started sharing how we could see ourselves there, but also voiced our reservations with it all. The more I walked around the house, the more work I could see it needed. I still was not convinced, and there was no signs of our house selling anytime soon. I had told my neighbors about our house just in case they had a friend looking. I had also placed the house on Craigslist just to see if any action stirred up. I expected nothing, and that is what we got, nothing! Most of our family members were intrigued by the house and idea, even Katie’s parents! Her dad quickly pointed out all the work the house would need, and we agreed it would have to be a “great buy” before we would move forward. We were enjoying the pool and dreaming about the “what ifs.” We were just living each day, one day at a time.

John was never really around when the girls went swimming. He was always on the road between Knoxville and Ohio. After we agreed on a price, John had called me to let me know another buyer had shown up and was acting serious. I told him he was in no way bound to me or our verbal agreement, and to “sell it” if another able buyer came around. He asked if maybe we should write up a contract, but I told him I saw no need as our house was not sold and not even on the market. I reminded him that if it was God’s will, it would happen and we moved on.

Amazingly, the other buyer never panned out.

Before long, one of my earlier fears came into play, and a new one arose. One day, Katie was there swimming with the girls, her sister, and our nephews. I dropped by to check on them on my way home, and I was surprised to find John’s truck in the driveway. He was not suppose to be back till the next day. I kinda laughed in my heart at how Katie would have felt if she had been there all alone. Katie is super conscious of being modest, and being at a pool with just the kids and a man she barely knew was not her idea of fun. In fact, she would not even go to the house if John was in town. I would often have to call John and see if he was there or not

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before Katie would go. John would always tell me, “Don’t worry about that! Tell Katie they can come anytime whether I am there or not. If I am here, I will just be in my room. It is not a big deal.” However, to Katie, it was a big deal! Inside I was thankful for her caution, because it never hurts to have a cautious mother and wife!

So I pulled up and said hello to everyone around the pool and then went in the house to see John. We grabbed a couple of chairs and sat down to catch up. As usual, we started talking about our amazing God and the things he was showing us in Scripture and had shown us in life.

I always felt “alive” around John as I was able to freely pour out my heart to him. We spoke for 30 minutes when the door flung opened. It was Hailey, my oldest daughter, coming in to use the bathroom. A voice from inside me rattled my soul! “NEVER ALLOW THIS MAN TO BE ALONE WITH YOUR KIDS!” I was shaken just a bit as I asked Hailey what she needed and she went on her way.

What was this sudden voice of concern or warning I had heard, and why? John was a kind and gentle man. A man seeking Gods ways. Not perfect by any means, but who is? But this warning was something different. It was like God was speaking to me. I kept this all to myself and simply whispered, “Okay Lord, whatever you say.”

That was the new fear. The old one was when John informed me in the same setting that he had decided that this place was definitely for us, and he was no longer going to be showing it to anyone else. My mind was swirling. A warning from God that seemed to expose an evil issue with John, and now, the very thing I had told Katie would happen, did! What was I to make of all this?

With these two issues fresh on the scene, I decided to stay there until Katie decided to go home. I never left John’s presence that day. Raygan and Katie had also come in to use the bathroom, and I was glad God had sent me to be there. A feeling of security came over me, as I now knew God had brought me by at the perfect time. I did not know why there was a problem with John being alone with my kids, none the less, I was glad I was there.

When the evening came to a close, everybody packed up and headed home. I told Katie about the voice I had heard, and I told her plainly that if they were there with John, she was not to ever allow the girls to go in the house alone, or be left alone with him. They were always to stay together. Katie did not fully understand it all, but it confirmed her thoughts that she did not want to go swimming without me if John was in town.

The other issue of John deciding to no longer show his house was bothering us as well.

Sure, we wanted the place, but God still had not given us any clear evidence that this is what He us to do. We had prayed about it, and were okay to accept the offer if our house somehow sold, but that just did not seem probable. Now, it seemed John was setting himself up for a disappointment if things did not go as he planned! Katie was still not convinced we should pay more than what we originally thought the house was worth, far less than the number John and I had set as the price. However, we decided that John had to walk his path with God, just as we had to walk ours.

As I laid down that night, this new concern regarding the girls and John gripped my soul.

Why would God warn me about John regarding potential sexual matters with my daughters?

Was this for real, or just a spirit of fear in me? John had kids and grandkids of his own. He

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spoke of them with much affection. He had even been praying for our kids when they got sick.

Hailey had some major stomach cramps over a three week period that would come at night and John prayed with us that it would go away. Sometimes her pain was so intense, that even at the age of seven, she would cry out, “It hurts so bad, I just want to die!”

One night, in the middle of the worst of her pain, she said, “Dad please, please make it go away! I can’t take it anymore!”

My heart broke, I cried out to God from my heart. “Oh God, what do I do?” Then, the Spirit led me to say, “Hailey, I can’t make it go away, but we know who can. Jesus can. Ask him to take it away.”

Hailey did not waste a second, “Jesus, please, please, take this pain away! I can’t take it anymore!” Within five minutes, Hailey was sound asleep, the pain was gone. I lay in bed, looking at her in amazement. Had God just healed my daughter? Wow! Through all this, John had listened to the stories of Hailey’s pain. We had prayed together. The night God moved over Hailey, I saw as Him answering some of my prayer to see Him in a deeper and new light. God was revealing himself to me and reminded me of the times He had been there before in my life. It was all amazing! So what was the reasons behind this new issue concerning John? Did he have motives we could not see, or, was my mind just playing games on me?

Not long after, John and I met again and were talking about God and His glorious ways.

It was during this time that John told me of how God had instantly healed him one time from a broken collar bone and crushed ribs. The broken bones were physically apparent, but between the times the x-ray was taken and the Doctor coming in to see him, John had been completely healed. Despite the warnings, I was excited to know God was answering my prayers to see more of Him, and my friendship with John was growing.

As I was leaving, John dropped another “bomb.” He asked if we had done anything with the house or had any interest. I explained that there had been no action and that we still did not sense God telling us to market the house formally. That is when he asked: “Ray, what if God told you to buy this house before yours sold? What would you do?”

“John, I would have to obey. Simple as that. I would have to have concrete proof, but if I was sure it was Him, I would do it, no questions asked.” I replied. I quickly followed this up with the fact that I had NO leading in that direction and that buying without selling would go against all the principals I had learned about money in the Bible. However, I would not stand against God on anything. In my heart, I felt pushed, as if John was now trying to speak things into me that did not testify with my own Spirit.

As I shared these struggles with Katie, I began to have a burning desire in my heart. I wanted to know what Craig had to say about all this.

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Craig Kendall Craig Kendall is my dearest and closest friend. We met in 2003 while attending the same church in middle Tennessee. He was the teacher of the Sunday School class Katie and I attended at this “mega-church” we had started visiting. Katie had just given birth to our first child four months earlier, and our current situation helping at my dad’s church was not allowing us to grow spiritually. We were the only young couple there, and Hailey was the only child at the church. We spent every Sunday in a tiny sound booth that I ran while dad preached. We felt lonely.

My Aunt Kathy had been attending this “vibrant” mega-church and had often invited us to come visit. We had refused to go because of the driving distance! Eventually the aching in our hearts for fellowship with people our age who were also going through the growing pains of being new parents got the best of us and we finally visited.

Our hearts were instantly captured by the whole “vibe” of the church. We had never been to a large church like this. Our Southern Baptist Roots had held us to small conservative services and doctrinal preaching. Neither of which are “bad,” but this church had contemporary music, practical teaching, and tons of young couples.

For the first few months we just “relaxed” in our seats, enjoying the rest. I had been doing “something” in service basically since I was a teenager. For the first time in our marriage, we felt like we could just get “lost in the crowd” and be renewed in our spirits. For several months we just soaked it all in, eventually however, we knew we needed to get more connected in order to have the fellowship our hearts really wanted. We tried a class or two, but Katie was six years younger than me, and every class we went to, people were more my age. This left her feeling somewhat “left out.”

We had been approached one Sunday morning by a bold young lady who wanted to know if we were “connected” yet. We told her we had tried a few, but nothing had fit just right yet. Her name was Sarah, and she excitedly invited us to attend the class she and her husband were in. I said we would consider it, as Sarah appeared to be more Katie’s age. The next week I decided to “check it out.”

That is when I met Craig Kendall, and his wife, Julie. They were in their 40’s and were parents of two high schoolers. The class was full of newly weds, barely marrieds, and young couples with newborns! Perfect for us!

Craig was a man with a kind and gentle heart. He was not a pushy or “heady” teacher, but rather, he simply followed up on the sermon we had just heard and made practical applications for our daily lives. Sunday School after the sermon was a new concept to me as well. It was invigorating and energetic, and everyone in the class was very welcoming! They really seemed interested in us and in making us a “part of their lives.”. It did not take long for Katie and I to find our home in the “Kendall Class.” We were finally home!

Over the next four years, Craig and I forged a very close bond. Eventually, I became someone he could call on to fill in for him if he was “out of pocket” on any given Sunday. I started filling in on a regular basis and that led the church to declare us “co-teachers,” thus renaming the class as the “Kendall/Carman” class. The class grew in numbers and popularity at

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the church. We had become one of the largest classes on campus for young couples and life was great!

Toward the end of this time, I noticed a change in Craig. Something was not right. He had become unusually quiet and reflective and he seemed to be less and less interested in being “in the class.” I was getting to speak more and more which I did not mind, but I was concerned about Craig. Honestly, I enjoyed the added attention I was getting by teaching more..

People begin to think I was “important,” “spiritual,” or “smart.” I liked being “looked up to,” but I felt like I was losing my best friend. Was he falling away from God? There were times he just didn't come to church at all. I was confused and concerned.

I was not the only one in class to notice Craig’s withdrawal. Another leader, Matt, noticed as well. It bothered us so much, that we took Craig out to lunch one day. After our meal and a little small talk, we directly asked him what the “problem” was! We had both seen something different in Craig, and it bothered us. Craig listened to us and responded in his usual quiet manner. All he said was, “I don’t know! God is doing some interesting things in my life right now and I He has not given me liberty to talk about them yet.” His answer only frustrated me more. How could he not know? His answer was not acceptable to me, but I knew Craig well enough to know that I was just going to have to wait it out!

I came home and unloaded it all to Katie! “How could I co-teach with some guy who kept himself distant from me.” What made it all worse was that before this time we had engaged in some very open and thoughtful conversations. Why was he all the sudden being so “secretive?”

It wasn't long after this, that our church launched a capital campaign drive known as “Defining Moment.” They had a dream of more room and space, bigger buildings, gyms, coffee shop, and more. It was all to “draw in the people” so they could hear the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Craig had become a little more involved again in the class, but was having to assist in the technical ministries of the church. As this big campaign rolled around, the church had asked that every Sunday School class teach a “packaged series of lessons” over the six week program. I got a deep desire to teach this series, but I was afraid to ask Craig if I could do all the teaching during this campaign. After all, it was “his class” and he might be offended by this “young buck” wanting to take over for this very important series. This campaign was going to be huge in the growth of the church, and I knew the teaching in the class would play a major roll in the success of the campaign.

Eventually, I couldn't take it any more, and I called Craig and told him what was on my heart. To my surprise, he literally “jumped” at my offer to teach the series. “ I have all the material here, come over and get it whenever you want.” he said. I was shocked a little by his response, but I hopped in my truck and went to his house. When he opened the door, he almost thrust the teaching material into my arms with a big smile on his face. I asked, just to be sure, that this was not overstepping my bounds or hurtful to him! He assured me he was not only okay with it, but actually excited about it. I would later find out that Craig had some major concerns with the direction of the church, and he was actually praying about what to do regarding teaching these lessons. So when I called about teaching the class during “Defining Moment,” he was actually relieved!

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When the campaign was over, the amount of money pledged was dramatic! Katie and I had been invited to a “special meeting” with several others from the church regarding the campaign. When we had arrived, we immediately felt “out of place.” We arrived in our little Honda Accord and I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. As we looked around, it was evident everyone else there came from a more prominent financial situation than us. When the meeting started, the Pastor told us why we all had been invited. We were among the “top givers” in the church, and they felt like they needed to speak to us regarding how God may use us in this campaign. When he said “top givers,” I knew something was wrong. Katie and I looked at each other with one of those, “What the heck?” looks! There was no way we were in the top percentage of givers in the church. When they gave us a card with the “potential” figures for us to pray about pledging, we knew instantly that we were in the wrong meeting.

On the way home, we laughed at the evident mistake that had been made. However, when the campaign neared its end, we had actually “pledged” one of the figures on the card from that meeting. After having taught our class that we needed to “take a leap of faith,” how could we not think that God had a greater purpose for us being amongst the “big wigs” that night. So we leaped forward pledging more than we would have ever thought!

It was not long after this, that God began to do a new work in my heart.

As Craig re-entered the picture in class, once again taking a leading role as the teacher, I could see his heart was yearning for something more. He later told me about one Sunday in which, as he was teaching the class, he looked around the room and saw nothing more than blank stares. It was as if nothing was soaking in! He noticed only 5-6 faces that stood out to him as people really getting what was being said. That was when the Lord laid on his heart to start spending more time with these 5-6 individuals. Thankfully, I was one of those faces.

This began a two year stretch in which Craig and I began to meet for lunch weekly. In these times, Craig begin to open up about what God had been doing in his heart that had made him withdraw into a period of reflection. Needless to say, many of the things that were “bothering” Craig were also things God had begin to burden my heart with. Craig and I would usually meet on Fridays to go eat lunch. Many of our lunches would drag out for two or more hours. We began to read some books together like “Spiritual Leadership” by Henry Blackaby, “Jesus has Left the Building” by Paul Vierra, “Jesus with Dirty Feet” and “God in the Flesh” by Don Everts. These books were ringing loud and clear with what God was speaking to me personally through His Word.

I had become really frustrated with the casual approach toward God most Christians seem to have. It was as if God had become a side thought or a “portion” of our lives as we all pursued the “American Dream.” I had become so upset with what I saw as a lack of dedication among God's people that I started studying Scripture in order to write a book on the “Do’s and Don’ts of Christianity, What the Disciple of Christ looks like.” I had full intentions on presenting my findings to our class, with aspirations of taking it on a larger scale to the church in America! I was determined to save Christians from their lack of true commitment to Christ. All I could see was the laziness in our hearts and lives that did not add up to what Jesus had called us to be.

My study for the book began in Romans, and I was filling my notebook fast. The differences I saw between what we are called to be, and what we were being was drastic. On

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one hand, my heart was broken, on the other, it was enraged. I had been “preaching” these things from my heart in class, but no one seemed to get past the surface of the teaching and allow it to really transform their lives. My “righteous anger” burned hot until I came to Romans 8.

I had moved very quickly up to this point, sitting at our kitchen counter taking notes and preparing to write my “Letter to the Church.” When I started Romans 8, it was no different than any of my other studies. I was flooded with how we were not “adding up” to the call of Christ on our lives and we were not living according to his “commands.” From my perspective, we weren’t even trying, and it was the “trying” part that I wanted to change. “Make an effort people,” is all I was thinking.

Then I read Romans 8:28-29.

Most people in Christian circles knows Romans 8:28 or have at least heard it quoted: “For God causes all things to work together for good to them who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” No big shocker here, but, when it was combined with the next verse my mind literally hit a roadblock. “For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate, to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that, He might be the first born among many brethren.” (NKJV) For some reason, this verse grabbed me like never before! I had heard it, quoted it, and preached on it in the past, but this time it stopped me in my tracks. It literally haunted me for several days. I had been ripping through this study, and I did not want to slow down. I sensed an urgency to share “my message” with God’s wayward people, but this verse would not leave me alone. My notes for the book slowly turned into a letter to God. “God, what are you trying to say to me here? Why is this verse so important?” At the end of three long days of praying and reading it over and over, I heard God say, “Little Jesus.”

God began to open my mind to the reality of what He was doing in His people. It wasn’t that He was just saving people to get them to follow some “do’s and don’ts,” but rather, he was saving them in order to make them look exactly like Jesus. Suddenly, I realized the answer to the pursuit of my ultimate question. What does a disciple of Jesus look like? Jesus!

God had turned the tables on me. I was seeking some formula with which to “whip his people” back into shape, and God was showing me there wasn’t a formula, but rather an Image.

The image He had shown us in His Son, Jesus Christ. Now, instead of looking for a bunch of rules and regulations, God told me to simply go back to Matthew and stare at the image of His Son. This marked a whole new beginning in my walk with God. As Keith Green once said, “It was like being born again, AGAIN!” I was enthralled with this new search. God changed so much of my heart as I begin to simply look at Jesus and his life. My outlook on life changed, but so did my viewpoint on the system of the organized church. Had we come to a place where we were actually in opposition to what God really wanted his people to be?

These questions permeated the conversations Craig and I had. As we were both seeking out Jesus and His will, we became “disgruntled” with the ways of the modern church system. Not the people mind you, or even the leaders, but with the system itself. Craig and I would talk, and study, and pray, seeking what it was God had for us as the term “Little Jesus” became more and more real in my life.

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In 2007, Craig had his position at his company “deleted” and suddenly, he was looking to Father for direction in his life. We had both already removed ourselves from the teaching positions we held, and from the “system of religion” altogether. God had me on a new journey, one of both pain and excitement. To my dismay, Craig sensed God was calling him back to Colorado. In my heart, I really did not want to see him go, but who was I to stand in God’s way.

So in August of 2007, I helped pack two moving trucks and waved goodbye to the Kendalls as they left TN. Through modern technology Craig and I were able to stay in touch, but it was not the same as those days when we could talk face to face. We tried Skype calls, but it just did not fill the need for personal interaction. Slowly, our conversations became less frequent, until the beginning of 2010.

Craig had shared a desire to stay in touch a little more, so we would talk on the phone, and even had a Skype call between Katie and I and Craig and Julie. It was evident that God was at work, as Craig and Julie had found themselves in a very interesting place. Craig had reconnected with a guy whom he had gone to high school with, Billy Campbell. Billy was leading a small congregation of mostly college age kids and had authored a book. Craig had sent me a copy in early 2009, I agreed with a lot, but it didn’t completely grab my attention. Of recent, Craig had shared about a time of prayer they had over at his and Julie's apartment, in which some evil spirits had been removed from their house. This was a little odd, but not extremely overwhelming. Also, both Craig and Julie spoke of how they saw God at work in this small group of believers. Craig was uncertain of his place in it, but knew Julie “needed” it for some reason.

On our Skype call, Julie shared how she had had a break through spiritually when she discovered she was allergic to wheat. This discovery seemingly explained many of her issues with depression and her need for medications. Since finding out, she had been able to drop of all her medications and was very excited about what God was doing. She talked about having some “dark days,” but they were less frequent than before. “Dark days” was not something new to Julie. Ever since I had known her, she had struggled with emotional issues, especially after her mom had committed suicide in 2005.

After the call, I sensed there was more to come. Craig and I would talk, and he seemed to be really sensing God on the move. Personally, I had somewhat hit a snag in my journey.

God had done some amazing things in our lives, but I felt as if I were somewhat “running in place.” As my heart had been longing for more, and John had entered my life with His stories of “the more,” I was really aching inside for God to reveal Himself to me in a deeper way. Craig had been teasing me with the line, “Julie has an amazing story to share with you sometime, but I will wait and let her share it.” My curiosity was up, and my desire to see God had risen to new heights! In my heart, I longed to see my brother. I wanted to share my story and hear his thoughts, but I longed to do it in person.

One evening the burden was so great that I entered into our bedroom and told Katie that “I LONGED to see Craig and hear what he thinks about what God is doing in our lives.” Katie looked at me, returned her gaze to the computer, then said, “You should go! You can get there for $289 round trip.” Before I knew it, the days had been picked out and I was on my way.

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July 14th, 2010

My trip was scheduled to start on the Wed. July the 14th. I would land in Denver in the late evening, spend 5 days with Craig and Julie, then return home on the 20th in the morning. When the 14th arrived, my excitement was off the charts. We really did not have the “extra” cash for this trip, but we both knew I was needing to go to CO to see the Kendall's. Craig had warned me that my schedule would be full. He was setting up meetings with several members of their fellowship, including a time with Billy. I was totally pumped, and the flight to Denver seemed short.

I had purposely kept my travel plans a secret for the most part. Only a few family members knew I would be gone. I also told Jason and Andrew, a few of my fellow journeymen on the path to God. I had also told John. Outside of that, no one was aware I would be out of town. I thought this would be best for the safety of my family.

On the flight, I put my nose into a little book John had given me. It was written by an elderly woman who was now deceased. It was entitled “His Glorious Second Coming.” The writings were extremely intriguing to me, as this woman described her understanding of the second return of Christ. It was full of word pictures of Jesus, his people, angels, as well as Satan and his demons. My mind was captured by it so much, that I barely was aware of our decent into Denver International Airport.

My walk from plane to car was short. I could not wait to see my dear friends! My heart literally leaped as I saw their Jeep round the corner. Seeing how airports want you to move quickly, we did quick hugs, greetings, and loaded up. Our journey would take about an hour, but Craig and Julie wanted to grab a bite to eat. So we pulled into a nearby restaurant and ordered dinner. I wasn’t too hungry, so I just ordered a salad, and we engaged in conversation.

As dinner was ending, Craig smiled, looked at Julie and said, “So, Julie has a pretty amazing story to tell you.” I turned to Julie, and she had both excitement, and shear terror in her eyes. I was excited to hear what God was up to, but wondered what could cause her to be so nervous.

Julie looked at Craig, stumbled a bit, wondering where to begin. Then she told me I would just have to accept some things she was going to say, whether I understood them or not.

I nodded and encouraged her to begin.

Julie began by telling me how extremely dark things had become since moving to Colorado. She had struggled with emotional issues most of her life, but ever since moving back to CO, things had really intensified. She described how her heart had become so depressed, that she could think of nothing but ending her life. Through tears, she spoke of how it was so bad, she had actually visualized ways to end it all. She was becoming the thing she feared the most, the reflection of her own mother who had committed suicide.

Next Julie briefly explained to me the importance of the group or fellowship they were meeting with. She told me of several who were extremely passionate for God, and had been given gifts of “spiritual sight” in our physical world. As God allowed, they were able to peer into the realm of angels and demons. She also spoke of Billy, and how the Lord was moving through

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him in mighty ways. (I knew some of this from his book, but was not really expecting what I heard next) Earlier that year, in some of Julie’s darkest moments, several from the body had come to their house they were renting and walked through the house praying over it. Prior to Craig and Julie, the former tenant had been involved in some idol worship, particularly with Buddha. As they passed through the house, several rooms had some severe “darkness” in them, one of which Julie had not been able to even enter due to a fear that would grip her. When the night was over, they sensed that the Lord had given victory, and the house had been cleansed.

As I listened, I was not totally shocked by this. I had a personal interest in the spiritual realm. I enjoyed watching shows that involved spiritual matters such as ghost and evil spirits that haunted houses. I knew in my heart that we were in a spiritual world, and had always held a curiosity with these things. However, I had not ever talked with anyone about my interest in these things, and I typically watched these shows alone. To hear about a house cleansing was not a huge surprise. I was a little disappointed, as Craig had already told me about this event on our previous Skype call. Was this the “story of freedom” Julie had to share? To my surprise, this was just the beginning!

After the “house cleansing,” Julie did have some relief that was short lived. In fact, her days actually begin to grow darker. Her suicidal tendencies were stronger than ever. She was to the point she believed she was actually losing her mind, and was desperate for relief, even if it were death. In her brief moments of sanity, she knew God “did not accept” suicide, and she cried out to God for help.

During this time, Julie had formed a relationship with a girl from the fellowship named Lisa. Lisa was one of Billy’s oldest and dearest friends. Lisa and her husband, Dave, ministered with Billy amongst the group. God had given Lisa the ability to see beyond the physical realm and into the spiritual world and she had a heart to hang out with Julie. Julie described her reaction every time she would see Lisa as both exciting and frightening. Julie did not know what it was, but her soul was both drawn to Lisa and repulsed by her.

Eventually, Lisa and Julie began to meet one on one each week. A practice that was very common with this group of believers I was going to meet. During these meetings, Lisa and Julie would talk about Julie’s darkness, and they would pray. They met at local coffee shops and restaurants, but things were not getting better for Julie. They were actually getting worse. Julie became desperate to see God, and was crying out to Him constantly.

Jessica, another lady in the fellowship, had a vision about Julie during this time. In the vision, Julie was on a bike peddling extremely fast, determined to get “somewhere.” Julie did not really know where she was going in the dream, only that she had to get there fast. Suddenly, she hit a pothole and was thrown of the bike. When she landed, she had lost her site and was completely blind. As she sat there, God spoke and told her to “find the tree!”

“What tree God, I can’t see, where is the tree? Which way do I go?” Julie asked. But God would only say, “Find the Tree!” In frustration, Julie began to grope around on the ground, desperately seeking “the tree.” She felt like she was going in random directions, but what Jessica was seeing, was that Julie was moving straight for “the tree” in her frantic search. The tree was a huge oak tree, very strong and firm, having deep roots.

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Jessica had shared this vision with Julie, so Julie began to ask God about the tree.

However, God did not answer her. She continually became frustrated and was ready to end her life. On her and Lisa’s scheduled visit three weeks before I arrived, Julie had asked Lisa to come over to her house instead of going out somewhere. When she arrived, Craig headed out for a scheduled meeting he had for work. That day, Julie was in a very dark place. Julie said she still felt darkness throughout the house. So Lisa said they should walk around the house and pray over it.

They both went outside, and Lisa began to pray out loud over the house. Julie was a little embarrassed, afraid of what the neighbors might think because Lisa was not praying quietly. It was as if she was impervious to their surroundings. As they rounded the corner into the back yard, Lisa STOPPED and looked up!

“What is it? What do you see?” Julie asked.

Lisa described a “large” angel, approximately forty feet tall, standing at the back door of their home. He was facing north and his gazed was set, his focus not wavering. It was as if he was protecting the house from something from the north. In a way, this brought Julie some comfort, but it also concerned her. What was the angel protecting them from?

After walking around the house they went back inside. As they were finishing up, Julie had an overwhelming desire to pray on her knees in front of Lisa. Julie felt as if God was telling her she “had to do this” even though she did not want to. As Lisa was walking out the door, Julie stopped her at the last second. “Wait,” she said, “ I believe God is telling me I have to pray in front of you, on my knees. I don’t know why, but I know I need to do this.” They knelt down, and Julie begin to pray.

At this point in the story, Julie became extremely serious. She had lost all her nervous feelings as she was telling me her story. I was captivated, wondering what God was doing. I had been praying for “more of God,” but what was He doing now? My mind was racing as Julie continued on.

As Julie began to pray in front of Lisa, her arms and back suddenly went stiff. She sat rigid in the floor and her face had become like stone. She was staring straight ahead, and dark circles encompassed her eyes. She was non-responsive to Lisa’s voice, and as suddenly as it began, it ended with Julie slumping into Lisa’s arms.

Julie did not know what had just happened, only that she felt exhausted. Lisa propped her against the couch, grabbed her phone, and called Billy. Lisa moved over to the corner of the room as she spoke to Billy. Julie said she remembered trying to hear Lisa, but she was not able to. She tried reading her lips, but Lisa was covering her mouth as she spoke.

Lisa told Steve, “I am not sure what has just happened, but I think a demon has just manifested itself in Julie.”

Billy listened, asked a few questions. He then told Lisa to bring Julie over to his house.

Through email and text messaging, the entire fellowship was soon mobilized in prayer for Julie and Billy. It was apparent spiritual warfare had broken out in their midst.

Julie did not remember much from the 20 minute ride to Billy’s house. When they got there Billy asked about what took place and how everything had started. Craig had also been called and was on his way over. Billy then told Julie to get on her knees again and start to pray.

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Once she did, everything repeated itself. Julie went stiff, her eyes grew dark, and this time, the demon spoke.

What Julie told me of next was a story about how over the next 16 hours and 33 minutes they cast out 16 demons from her. It was an intense time of prayer and war. I was blown away and fascinated all at the same time. I had heard of these type of things and even watched them on TV. I had heard stories of my dad performing some of these “exorcisms” before and somehow it seemed to make everything about Julie's life make a little more sense.

What I was not prepared for was how Julie explained to me how the Holy Spirit inside her had allowed her to help Billy in the process of ridding her body of the demons. “Holy Spirit and demons in the same body?” I wandered. “How can this be?” As if he was reading my mind, Craig told me I would just have accept the fact that demons and the Holy Spirit can live inside the same body, and that there was no Scripture that said it was possible or impossible. I knew Craig loved Jesus and was a student of His Word, so I chose to simply believe him at this point.

Julie described the entire process as they dealt individually with each demon by name.

She said that the demons actually spoke of their hatred for us (humans who had been redeemed by Jesus) because of our restoration to God. They spoke of how they had longed to be restored themselves when they realized Satan had lied to them, but God was unwilling to have them back. There was no sacrifice for their sin, no covering of righteousness for them, and this had caused the demons to hate God, hate Satan, but most importantly, HATE us.

Therefore, their mission was to destroy the people of God in anyway they possibly could.

Each demons name had a meaning and the meanings reflected their personal job description. Amazingly, their new names were the exact opposite in meaning as what their prior names as angels had been before the fall. All this information was given up from the earliest of the 16 demons, as one by one, their power was broken and they were cast out of Julie.

During the process, Lisa and Jessica saw angels come and assist in the work of dragging the demons away to their eternal place of torment. As the demons left, a common theme arose as they said, “It is not our time. He told us we could have her for a time, and it is not over yet.” Also, the demons were very tricky, and some of them were actually “held back” by other demons inside of Julie. Therefore, the stronger demon had to be dealt with in order for the weaker one to be let go. One demon even “shattered into pieces” and went to hide, hoping to avoid being sent out. But God was giving Billy great power and insight to deal with these demons, and one by one, they were forced to leave Julie's body behind.

At this point of the story telling it was getting late, but Julie was in full stride and the rest of the story was on its way. Julie told me some of the names of the demons, but the one she was about to mention would change the mood of the night dramatically.

“Seether” was one of the strongest and craftiest demons in Julie. He was very deceptive and able manipulate the situation very well. His prior name was “Seeker” and his job as an angel had been assigned to watch over and protect the children. He spoke of how he had loved his job and really wanted it back. Since the “fall” he had been assigned to seek out and destroy children, bringing pain and fear into their lives. Julie was very afraid to let him go, screaming out “he will go get my kids.” She had to be reassured many times that Seether’s only destination would be the abyss, his final home.

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As Julie spoke of Seether and his “job,” a knot of fear began to well up inside of me. I suddenly remembered that day at John’s house and the voice that instructed me to protect my kids from him. As I listened, I began to realize a huge error I had made. I had told John about my trip. He knew I wasn’t home. What if the enemy had a grip on him and he was after my kids?

In fact, I had actually called John as soon as I had landed in Denver to “share a word of the Lord” with him. I felt so foolish. What had I done?

I grabbed my phone as Julie spoke and sent my wife a text message. “Don’t go back to John’s house for anything until you hear different from me!” She replied with a simple, “K, whats up?” I only replied, “Nothing, just trust me.”

As the night wore on, and the story concluded, my fear had overwhelmed me. Julie told me of how the demons had been forced to tell Billy how long they had been on her, and they had possessed her as a dwelling place since she was 3 years old. 45 years!!!! Also, they learned that many of them had “come to her” from her mom once her mom had died. The most amazing part however was finding out who the “He” who had given them permission to “have her” was. It was none other that God himself!

What was going on? If demons had been in Julie all this time, and not even Craig had been aware of it, who else might be possessed? It was one in the morning back at home, but an urgent desire to call Katie overcame me. My phone had quit working and would only send text messages. I found that odd, as it had worked just hours before when calling John. I asked to borrow Craig’s phone and dialed Katie. Surprisingly she answered, and she was wide awake.

“Everyone okay?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said, “all the kids are in bed with me. I am a little freaked out. Everything okay?”

“Yes honey, just some really intense spiritual things going on.” I tried to act normal and be comforting, but I know my voice displayed concern. “I think it would be good if you guys packed up and stayed with your mom the rest of the time I am gone.” I said.

“Okay Ray, you have me freaked now!” Katie exclaimed. “Should we go tonight?”

“Well, you don’t have to go tonight, but if you did, that would be okay too.” I replied.

We said our “I love you’s” and “goodbye’s” and I told her everything was going to be fine.

10 minutes later I got a text, “On our way to mom's house! Katie!” My heart was relieved and I was at rest again.

We finally reached the Kendall's house and I laid down in bed. I simply asked God to keep my family safe as my mind was spinning. I wondered if I should have come after all. I knew God was in control and I would have to trust Him. I knew in my heart I was where He wanted me in this moment. I had been praying for God to reveal to me more of Himself, and He was showing more than I had ever dreamed.

But what of Julie's story? Demons in her for 45 years? How many more people did I know that were demon possessed? Could I have a demon inside me? My mind was spinning and I had to sleep. I closed my eyes and whispered, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.”

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July 15th, 2010 D-day Arrives

When I opened my eyes, the first thought that ran through my mind was, “Wow, I slept really good!” Then my mind instantly reverted to all I had soaked in and experienced the night before. There was no huge, “Nah, that didn’t happen’” moments, but there was a flood of questions that infiltrated my mind. I grabbed my Bible because I needed to hear from God! Craig and Julie had told me I would have to “just accept” some things, and with my journey into seeking “MORE” in God, I was open, but I also needed some spiritual food, so I turned to my “daily bread”, the Word of God. I opened the Bible to Jeremiah chapter 6. I was on my way through the Old Testament for the year. I had taken a different route this year than ever before, reading the last book first and working my way backwards through the Old Testament. Jeremiah 6 was my next chapter to read, so I dove in. It was nothing spectacular, that is, until I hit verse 16. I read these words over and over. “This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” But the next few words is what really gripped me, “But you said, We will NOT walk in it.”

I was on my knees as I was reading and my heart was gripped. God had been calling me into a deeper relationship with Him as I was asking Him to reveal more of himself to me, but I was really struggling with it. Mainly, I had sensed He had called me to “get on my knees to pray,” but I had refused to do that simple thing. I would seek Him from my easy chair, the couch, the bed, even laying on the floor, but not my knees. It hurt to kneel down for any long period of time, so I simply refused to bend my knees.

Now I found myself crying out to God from the kneeling position beside the bed. “God, please show me the ancient paths, where the good way is, and cause me to walk in them.

Please don’t let me continue to refuse to walk in your ways.” As the day would progress, I would live to see Him answer that prayer.

Craig had arranged several one on one meetings over the next few days with different followers of Christ that God had brought into their lives. Craig was extremely excited about these meetings, looking forward to how my heart would be encouraged. Craig believed that God was doing the very thing in the lives of these believers, that we had talked so much of in the years gone by.

On the 20 minute ride to Boulder, CO, Craig filled me in a little on the group of believers we would be meeting with. He gave me a little heads up on the days schedule, which would conclude with a “prayer meeting” that evening. He gave me a warning that I might take issue with a few things I heard and saw, but encouraged me to look beyond those things and see God at work. My heart was excited as we neared our destination.

Sam Bennett

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Our first meeting was with a young man named Sam Bennett. Julie had described Sam a little to me, telling me that he was a very gifted and talented musician and God had given him a heart of worship. He had also been among those that had come into Billy’s home during Julie’s “deliverance.” God had revealed him as a warrior during that time, one who was strong and steady, fierce at heart. She stopped so as not to give away any of Sam’s story, trusting he would share what all I might need to hear.

We met at a local pub known as “The Laughing Goat”. First thing I noticed were several small groups of people that Craig and Julie greeted with hugs. It was people from the “body of believers” and they were having meetings, sharing and praying together as they sought to grow in the Lord. I was impressed right off the bat that these guys seemed so intentional about their relationships with each other, “making the time” to meet in small groups of 2-4, desiring to see God more clearly.

Sam was there and Craig introduced us. My initial perception of him was that of a “typical musician.” He just seemed to have that aurora about him. He was slightly taller than me, but thin as a rail. Back home in the south we would have called him a “bean pole.” His hair was thick blond and he had a very full beard to match. I really did not see the “warrior” image that Julie had described. He just did not have the physical appearance of a fighting man, strong and steady. But I know how looks can be deceiving.

As we sat, Craig went to greet another person in the room, leaving just Julie, Sam, and I to chat. After the normal “getting to know you” talks, Sam asked me about my story. I kept it brief as humanly possible for me, sharing only I was born and raised a preachers kid, raised in the Southern Baptist traditions, called out by God in 2006/2007 to pursue Him and Him alone. I told him I had come with a heart of expectancy to see what God was doing among their fellowship, and with Julie’s story from the night before I was more intrigued than ever.

As Craig rejoined us, I was just finishing up my story, and Craig told Sam why we had come. He shared that he felt God wanted me to hear their individual stories of how God had worked in their lives. Sam took a moment to think before beginning, wondering where he should begin?

Thankfully, Sam just started at the beginning, telling me how he was a kid raised in the Mid-West. He did not have an huge background in church as a child, but at the age of 14 he had joined some friends at a youth camp. One night around a campfire, he suddenly had an overwhelming desire to know this God he had heard about and was wanting to have a relationship with Him. As he prayed he was overcome with emotion and said that it was like this “bucket of joy” was poured over him as he entered into a new walk with Jesus as his Lord and Saviour.

Sadly, Sam's story also included how quickly religion snatched away his joy when he returned home. The first thing that happened was that his joy in walking in relationship was stolen as people began to tell him all the things he had to do in order to “prove he was a Christian.” Law, rules, regulations, religion, all sucking the very life source from him. He wanted to please God, and not knowing any better, he set out to follow all these rules as best he could.

When he kept failing, he became very discouraged.

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This was his life story up to the day God brought him to CO. He had come for a college education and was majoring in music. He got involved with Campus Crusade, and was making his way up as a “leader” in the organization. He was considered a firm Christian and people looked up to him. On the inside however, he felt empty. All the outside things were right, but his fulfillment and joy in Christ were not there. “What is wrong?” he wondered.

This is when he was introduced to Billy Campbell, Craig’s friend. He had been given a copy of Billy’s book and was reading through it. He also began to meet with Billy regularly, and was being discipled in his journey for the first time. Sam began to see many of his “wrong beliefs” and “unbeliefs” about God. This is when he really began to see God for who He really was.

I was captivated by Sam’s story. As he had been talking I noticed my throat started to swell up. It was similar to having a sore throat or allergies kicking up. I thought, “Oh no, this would suck to have a sore throat the whole time I am in CO.” I tried to ignore it, but it was starting to get worse. Without a word being said, Craig slipped away and returned with a glass of water for me. I thought,“Oh yeah! The altitude difference is messing with me. I am suppose to drink a bunch of water!” I told Craig thanks and returned to Sam’s story of his journey through a blossoming musical career, loss of a Grandfather, returning to CO and cutting off his musical aspirations as he felt God telling him he had to “give up his music totally.” It was a struggle for him, as music had been his lone passion, but he knew he wanted God most of all, so he walked away.

It was not a simple “walk away” as Sam had a contract with a manger and contractual obligations. However, as he was obedient God worked out the details and Sam began to seek God’s new direction for his life without music. A few months later, God gave him his music back and Sam began leading worship for the gatherings on Sunday evenings for the group. He said excitedly, “Ray, I began to practice guitar less than ever before, but found that I was better in my playing than when I was practicing every day!”

That pretty much brought us to the conclusion of Sam’s story as he was now in a place of simply following Christ. He was working a job at a local shop and was leading worship and had recently returned from recording a praise album with the other members of the praise team from their small gathering. It was evident to me that God was at work in this young man, and after speaking to him, I could see that there truly was a warrior deep inside his spirit!

Jeff Gabriel As Sam finished up, I was immediately introduced to the person we were meeting with next, Jeff Gabriel.

He was shorter than Sam, but seemed to be just as thin. His hair was brown and wavy, and he had a sparkle in his eye. We were actually suppose to meet at a local restaurant about a mile away to have lunch. We decided to drive over, and it was suggested that I ride with Jeff.

This would be a good opportunity for him and I to get to know a little about each other. It didn’t take any words to convince me I would like him however, as I saw his Dodge Ram 1500 pickup

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truck with a Hemi engine. I drove the exact same type of truck! I could tell I was going to like this guy right off the bat!

Our ride was short and brief, but a lot of fun. Jeff asked how I had met the Kendalls and we talked about that and our trucks. As we parked and walked up to the place we were going to eat lunch, I noticed my throat had stopped hurting! “Whew” I thought, “ I was worried there for a minute. Keep drinking water Ray,” I told myself!

It was such a gorgeous day, that we grabbed our meal and ate outside. The little place we chose to eat was a sandwich shop where we had “made to order” sandwiches served on freshly baked breads. Yummy! The one taking our order was BJ, another young man I had heard about from the Kendalls. Julie had said we were “brothers” in heart and I was excited for our meeting time which was scheduled for Sunday. I could tell this weekend was going to be awesome.

As we all “wolfed down” our meals, we carried on typical meal time chatter. Then Craig let Jeff know the purpose of our meeting. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before he began.

Jeff is a “California Kid”, born and raised near the coast and he really liked surfing. I remember thinking how much my wife would like this guy, as Katie has always had a thing for California and surfing! Jeff grew up with literally “no” religious background other than some family tradition in Catholicism. He spoke of how he “hated it” when he was forced to sit through Mass. He was always thinking about how ridiculous it all seemed to be in light of how things were at home. To top it off, he was sent to a Catholic school, and his hatred for religion grew.

Being the “little guy” growing up, Jeff always suffered at the hands of bullies. He was constantly picked on, but he felt like he could not tell his parents or show it because he did not want to be seen as “weak,” especially to his dad. He was also afraid his mom might “go over the top” in trying to protect him, and that could bring on more “beatings.” So, he quietly endured, even through high school. He was picked on by his own team mates on the soccer field even though he was a gifted soccer player. It was his size left him vulnerable to “attacks” by his own team. By this time in his life, Jeff had a “thick skin” to teasing and bullying and would laugh along with the guys who were giving him a hard time. On the inside however, Jeff was hurting very bad and was looking for help. He never did drugs or drinking in his high school years, as he found a place of peace out on the waves!

Jeff had received a scholarship to attend the University of Hawaii, any surfers dream! He was “stoked” about it, but for some strange reason he chose to come to CO for school. It was here that Jeff first became involved in drugs and drinking. Inside he felt black and empty. He was fortunate enough to have one friend that he really could pour his heart out to, a young lady named Morgan. In his worst moments, Jeff would find himself sleeping on Morgan’s couch in an effort to escape all the parties going on at his own house. His life was in turmoil.

This is when Morgan introduced him to Billy. From that point, Jeff’s life took a dramatic turn. He became passionate for Jesus and was desperate to know Him. Eventually, Jeff received Christ as his Lord and Saviour, but his life was not an instant change. He had a TON of issues to work through from his past. Emotions and deep hidden fears riddled his soul, and he

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was not quite able to understand everything just yet. But God, in His grace, allowed Jeff to work through all his issues and brought him into a wonderful walk with Him. Jeff's story was “amazing.” As he had been sharing, several other people from the fellowship dropped by and would join us briefly. BJ came out on his lunch break from work to join us for about 30 minutes. I was taking it all in, and was becoming somewhat introspective. I had been drinking water like a mule ever since my first throat episode. I must have been on my third or fourth bottle by now, but my throat had began to swell again in the middle of Jeff’s story.

It felt exactly like it had before earlier in the day while Sam was sharing his story. I started to get concerned. What was wrong with me? “God, please, I don’t want a sore throat!” I prayed. Deep inside, I felt as if this was more than just a sore throat.

Toward the end of Jeff's story, a lady who had been sitting nearby politely introduced herself, saying she could not help but overhear some of our conversation and wanted to see if any of us would be interested in some “Christian Music.” She had a couple of albums in her hand and handed them to Jeff. He lit up as he accepted the gifts. I recognized most of the groups she had with her, and thought little of it until Jeff told us he had been praying for new music to listen to, but could not afford it at the time. The music was actually an answer to prayer! That was exciting to see God do something even that small!

As we were finishing up, something had really started bothering me. Jeff’s story was amazing, but he used a lot of “cuss words” as he was sharing. Where I was raised, the use of language like this was not acceptable among Christians. I hadn’t said anything up till now. Julie had cussed a little in her story telling and so had Sam. I finally had to let it out that I saw this as a problem. They listened but no one offered any answers to my concern.

Jeff had also been at Billy’s house during Julie’s deliverance, and we spoke briefly of that. All the sudden I said, “Guys, something has happened twice today, both during Sam’s story and Jeff’s. My throat has swollen during each of them and I am starting to wonder if I have a demon in me.”

After it was out of my mouth, I was shocked I had said it and began to search their eyes for a response. Jeff just seemed to take it in stride. Julie had the look of a concerned mother on her face. Craig just had one of his “Hmmmm......” looks as he let it sink in. BJ was there at that time as well. He didn’t respond or even look at me. No one said a word, so we moved right on.

Now I was worried! Something else had happened that I did not mention to them. As Jeff spoke, at one particular moment, I noticed a sneer on my face. It almost caused me to laugh out loud! I covered my mouth and looked away briefly in order to regain my composure. “What is that?” I wandered to myself. Is it really possible that there is something more to me than I knew?

Was there something dark inside of me like there had been in Julie?

Confused and concerned, we headed on to our next destination. A place to sit and relax until the “prayer meeting” that night.

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The Prayer Meeting

Craig, Julie, and I stopped off in a book store to catch our breath before going to the prayer time. Craig grabbed another bottle of water for each of us and we found three comfortable chairs and “took a load off.” My phone was STILL not allowing me to make any phone calls, only send and receive text messages. I took a minute to reach out to Katie to check on the family. I had been fairly involved in the day, thus not having a ton of connection with home. With Katie and the kids at her parents, I “felt secure.” I also had reached a friend and asked him to watch our house and pray over it until I returned. He agreed, asking a few questions, but dove in for me without a lot to go on other than, “Just Pray!”

Julie grabbed a book to read and Craig opened his laptop to do a little web surfing and work. Julie had given me a 18 page “transcript” with the details from her story she had shared with me the night before. It was clear from our earlier meetings that her deliverance was very real and fresh on everybody’s mind. They took it very seriously and were excited about Julie being able to move forward in her walk with God. Julie told me that I could read it at my own pace and I was free to ask any questions that I might have. I started reading with a determination to finish it as quick as I could. I was hungry to know what all had gone on in her “experience.”

The pages were filled with details from that day. Much of it Julie had already shared with me, but there were “filler” details that were very important. It had every demon listed by name and order that they had left Julie. Details of why they were in her and how they had been given right to her were in this “mini book” as well. I engulfed it! I really did not have that many questions, I was curious to know all I could know before we left for the time of prayer.

I remember laughing a little at what was written about Craig and his reaction and part in the evening. His job was described as a “mocker” of the demons who caused them much torment. That sounded so much like Craig. Also, he said his greatest fear was if Julie were to ask for him to make it all stop. That fear became a reality during the night, but Craig was able to trust God in it all and stay the course. The demons had also spoken of how they had “come to destroy” the group that was helping Julie through this time and “He (Craig) did not even know it.”

They seemed to be proud of the fact they had hidden themselves from Craig all these years that he and Julie had been married. In the end, their time was up that night and God won the ultimate victory!

Just before we left, I borrowed Craig’s phone again and called Katie. I was desperate to hear her voice at this point. I told her there was some extremely big “God things” going on and I went over my concerns about John and why I felt we were to stay away. Most of my concern was for Raygan, my middle daughter. I had sensed that the devil was desiring to “have her” and that he was possibly using John to get to her. This is when Katie informed me of something that had happened to her and Raygan that very day.

They had gone to the grocery store together to pick up some items for lunch and dinner.

As they were exiting the building, Katie said she heard a “whistle” and turned to see what it was.

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Behind her an older man had whistled. As Katie looked at him he said, “Wow, that sure is a pretty little girl there!” pointing at Raygan. This had happened before because Raygan is a very pretty girl, looking JUST like her mom. Any other day, this would not have been a big deal, but with our present circumstances, this was something to be mindful of. I expressed my love and let her know everything was gong to be fine and that God was in control. We would just have to trust Him. Inside, I really hoped what I was saying was true.

As planned, we arrived at Five Points ( the name of one of the houses in which five of the single girls of the fellowship live together.) We arrived right at 6:30 and the house was bustling with people. Some faces were familiar from earlier that day, and there was a whole slew of new ones that came up and welcomed me in. After a few minutes we all sat down in a circle in the living area. There was about 30 of us all together. Sam had a guitar and led everyone in a few worship songs. I scanned the room as we sang, somewhat measuring up this group Craig and Julie were so fond of.

My absolute best attempts at describing them would fail, but here is what I perceived. If you could image a group of young people from the 60’s or 70’s, you might get the picture. The word “hippie” came to mind. No one seemed very concerned about their looks. They wore clothes that were not considered “fashionable,” but rather just simple clothing. I gathered they loved each other very much. The room was crowded, but no one seemed uncomfortable as we literally were sitting all over each other. As we sang, all I could see were faces that were longing to bring a joyful noise to their Father and Saviour. It was a very intimate group that did not seem overcome by the cares of this world. They all seemed content, and that struck me at the core of my heart. Contentment! Something I had striven to know, but had known very little of.

I was wedged between Billy and Julie. I had seen pictures of Billy before and Craig had spoken about him and his looks, mentioning that he was “small and short.” Meeting Billy in person really made this “small” feature stand out.

I am right at 6 ft and at the time weighed 250 lbs. I love working out, but had been in a lengthy slump. I still maintained the “look” of one who was in the gym, except for my expanding waistline. In general, I feel like a “normal” size guy. Next to Billy, I felt like a “giant.” Tiny does not even begin to describe him. He stays in shape and it is evident he takes care of his body, but he is rather small compared to a man weighing 250!

Once the singing stopped, Billy asked for people to share how they had seen God at work around them that week. There were a few that spoke up mentioning a verse they had read or situation they had witnessed. Jeff told everyone of the answer to his prayer of wanting more “Christian music” to listen to. Just as things slowed down, Julie nervously began sharing of how she had been “afraid” of telling me about her story, worried about how I would react. Because she knew God wanted her to tell me, she obeyed and was completely relieved to hear that God had “prepared me” for that very moment through things that had recently happened in my life.

Everyone was excited to hear her testimony and a round of “amens” circled the room.

Billy then cocked his head around and said, “Really? Ray, how did God prepare you for her story?” I had come with the hopes of just soaking everything in, hoping to see what God was doing among this body of believers. Now I found myself thrust into the center of attention with all eyes turned my way, waiting on my reply.

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I turned to Julie and said, “Thanks Julie! Did you just set me up or what?” Julie and everyone else laughed as I nervously began, wondering where to start. I am not one to have short speeches when I get going. I did my best to keep it as short as possible.

I started with a quick rendition of being born the son of a preacher. Traveling as a child to Japan with my family when my parents were missionaries. I had been educated in a Christian school and raised with great understanding of God and His law. I had learned all the things that it took to be a Christian and look like one in the world. I was taught how to “earn favor with God” by seeking him in a daily quiet time, go to church, pray, do good things for others. I had even considered missions work. At the age of 14 I had answered “the call” to preach, even though I was really opposed to it because of my hatred for public speaking. All this led to me going to a Christian college and being trained by my dad in theological matters. I moved forward “doing the best I could do for Jesus” as I lived and worked. I also told them of my failures as a teenager in the areas of sexual temptation, but how God had chosen to use me none the less. Finally I arrived at my hearts burning desire to go deeper with God, which led to my departure from “organized religion” and how God had drawn me into a deeper relationship with Him through my last 3 years of walking only with him “outside the walls” of organized Christianity. However, a desire for even more had arisen in me recently and I told them I had prayed God would draw me in closer. I told them of meeting John and how his stories of the spiritual happenings in his life had been a catalyst to me seeking God for more in my own life. I wanted to be used by God to do the things Jesus had spoken of when he said we would do “greater things” than He had done. Ultimately, that is how I had arrived in Colorado and it was how God had prepared me for Julie’s story.

I finished and hoped I had not taken too long. As I had spoken, I had mentioned a story in Acts 3 which had been part of my recent journey to “wanting more of God.” It was connected to Jesus’ words of “greater things than these,” and it was the story of Peter and John healing the lame man. As Billy picked it back up, he said he wanted to share what God had put on his heart that day, and it was a little story from “Acts 3” about Peter and John. This of course brought laughter to the room at how Billy and I had the same passage on our hearts.

Billy spoke of the lame man and Peter’s command to “pick up your mat and go!” He said that if we were truly wanting to move forward with God, that we could not leave our mats where they were, reserving our “place of comfort.” That was the custom of those days described in Acts. A lame person would always reserve their spot by leaving their mat in its place for when they returned. It was kind of like staking a claim, but if we truly wanted to receive Gods “healing” we could no longer leave our “mat” where it was. He encouraged everyone to ask for prayer for whatever their “mat” was as we broke into small groups to pray.

Billy began to divide the room up, and to my dismay, the split for our group fell in between Craig and Julie. I really was hoping the three of us would stick together throughout the night because that is what would have made me comfortable. I accepted my fate in silence and grabbed my chair as we headed to the basement to our little room.

Once I was there, I noticed how small and cramped our room was going to be. About 10 people who had to fit into this very small space. There was no real circulation in the room, so

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they had brought in a couple of fans for us to use. However, the room was still going to be stuffy.

Now, I am NOT a hot weather person. I was hoping for in my trip to CO would be a break from our summer in TN which had been very humid and hot. However, as was the norm had been on my three trips to CO, they were in the middle of a heat wave, even setting some records for high temperatures while I was there. Now we were going to be in this small, cramped room for a prayer time. Not my dream world by a long shot.

I surveyed our room. There was Billy, myself, and one other guy named Jim. Jim also fit the “mold” of small, skinny guys that seemed common for this group. The rest of our room was made up of ladies, all very petite and seemingly quiet in nature. I thought to myself, “If something like what happened to Julie were to happen to me in this room, it would be a disaster as these people are all so small. I would crush them.”

Billy had actually poked me a little before we came down, as “fight club” had come up.

Fight club was simply a couple of the guys in the group who got together on Saturdays for training in martial arts and so forth. They actually sparred, as Jeff had a black eye to prove it.

Some mention of me joining them that week had been made. I thought it would be fun as I have always wanted an excuse to “beat the stuffing” out of someone without getting into trouble. Fight club sounded like the perfect opportunity for that. Billy had looked me up and down, and said, “Ah, a simple kick to the thigh and I would have you.” I smiled, but thought to myself, “You little bastard! Your crazy! You can kick my thigh all day, but I am still going to snap you in half when I get my hands on you!” These kind of thoughts were not uncommon for me, as I felt I had a “restrained beast” in me just looking to unleash on someone. My “teddy bear” nature had held me back for the most part, along with a fear I might not be quite the man I thought I was.

As I sat down next to Julie, Jeff appeared in the doorway to share something with Billy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Oh crap! This is exactly like the dream I had.” We all had a confused look on our faces and Billy asked him to explain. Jeff said it was just like the dream he had shared with Billy, in which he saw Cristina laying her hands on everyones head in the room, praying over them. As she did, the Holy Spirit would be unleashed over the whole group. “The room is exactly as I saw it man, even where the people are sitting!” Jeff exclaimed! I was just letting this soak in when Billy said, “Okay, that is what we are going to do. Tell everyone else so they can be praying for us.” Jeff left to spread the word!

“Hold up! Wait a minute!” I thought to myself. “Lay hands on me and pray? I am not too sure about this.” I begin to seek the deepest parts of my brain, searching for a verse or something that I could rebuke this whole thing with. “Surely there is a verse somewhere that says we are not to allow hands to be laid on us!” I could not think of one! As I continued to think, my eyes turned to Cristina.

Cristina looked to be a very timid girl. I took by the look of concern on her face that she was not too sure about all this herself. Some of the other ladies said something that made me assume that maybe Cristina had an issue with touching too many people with her hands. I could tell she was as uncomfortable as I was. For some reason this made me feel a little better. I was thinking maybe she would resist and not follow through, but Billy really was not giving her a choice. She finally nodded that she would do it, and I was suddenly very nervous!

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Each person shared an little something regarding their “mat.” I shared God’s call for me to pray on my knees and my refusal to do so. I also shared more in depth my fear for Raygan, then told them of a dream I had had of God calling me into a more intimate relationship with Him. However, every time I got close to going deeper, I would stop and not follow through because I was afraid. Billy opened us up in prayer, then he stood with Cristina as they began to make their way around the room. Cristina was laying her hands on everyone’s head as she prayed.

I was getting more nervous by the moment. My mind was still racing, searching desperately for “that verse” that would keep this from happening to me. I was pulling up a blank!

What was I going to do? I thought about just leaving the room as I felt uncomfortable and could just say this was “a little too much for me.” I guess I was too embarrassed to admit that I was afraid, so I stayed. Before I knew it, Cristina was standing in front of me. As I sat with my eyes closed, fearing what was about to come, I heard what sounded like sweet music to my ears.

Cristina had started crying! She turned to Billy and said, “I am afraid!” I looked up as comfort flooded my heart! Cristina’s eyes were filled with terror and fear. She looked ready to have a nervous breakdown. She had shared that she had deep emotional issues as her mat, and I knew she was not comfortable doing what she was doing. Her words earlier had been that she felt as if “she had armor welded on her,” not allowing herself to be free emotionally with God and others. I was ready to speak comfort to her and say, “Its okay. I understand. You don’t have to pray over me. I am a stranger and I understand. You can pass me by and go on to Julie (who was seated next to me on my right.)” But, my lips were sealed. I could not speak as I listened to Billy encourage her and press her forward.

Cristina resisted saying, “You don’t understand! Those voices in my head, they are back, and they are really LOUD! I am scared.”

Billy reminded her that God was with her and so were we. Before I could utter any words of my concern, her hands were on my head, and she began to pray. To be honest, I don’t remember a word she said, but I do remember Tina Simmon's voice.

Tina is a tall, thin young lady who is very vibrant and smart. She was in the middle of theological studies in seminary. A quick glance and someone might wrongly conclude that Tina is a bit of an airhead who might be gullible. However, as they got to know her, they would find a very smart young lady who had a passionate love for Jesus and desired to serve God. It was her voice that came through to me as she asked, “Ray, would you please get on your knees to pray?”

I felt as if I leaped out of my chair to the floor. I was more emotional than I had been in a long time as they prayed for God to reveal himself to me and for me to have the courage to follow him into his calling of intimacy. Billy prayed for me after Cristina, and then Julie. Julie prayed over my family and for their protection as I was gone. She prayed I would trust God with their safety while I was there in CO. She also took a stand against any demon that might be after Raygan!

At this point, I was pounded the floor with my fist as I agreed with Julie in prayer. I was afraid for my family’s safety and having a phone that was not working did not help any. As Julie

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finished praying and I began to stand, I heard Jessica utter some terrifying words, “The demons name is Hamash!”

Jessica was the girl who had had a vision of Julie before her exorcism. The dream of the “Tree” and Julie’s blindness. She is a talented musician in her own right, but also a girl who God had blessed with the gift of seeing beyond the physical world. Although she was young ,she had surrendered her life to God’s use, and He was using her.

Upon the name of the demon being spoken, the room intensified as more prayers went up. I cursed Hamash, commanding him in the name of Jesus, to “leave my family alone.” I told him he could not have Raygan and that he was not to touch her or come near her. I tempted him saying, “If you had any guts at all, you would come here and face me personally, that is if your not chicken!” I felt bold in my speech to the demon. Being near Billy and knowing of how God had used him in Julie's life and in other cases with demons, I was certain if Hamash would just show his face, he would be easily cast to the Abyss.

Billy anointed my head with oil and prayed over me again. The air was electrified with energy as this band of “feeble” people were praying for this “big guy” on the floor and attacking the gates of hell on my behalf. When Billy finished, I was helped off the floor by Julie. I felt exhausted and tired. I could hardly stand as the group formed a circle and prayed. I could sense myself leaning heavily on Julie. I kept thinking, “I am going to fall!”

What seemed to me as a moment, Julie later told me was about 10 minutes of prayer as we stood together. My knees were weak and when the prayer over, none of which I remember, Julie said, “Sit down Ray! If you fall on me I will be crushed.” I smiled feebly as chuckles circled the room. I was not sure of what all just happened as Cristina continued around the room in prayer over each person.

I was trying to stay involved, but my mind was on this new reality of “Hamash” and his attack on my family. Who was this demon and why was he after my family? Surely God would not let this happen to us! As the prayer continued around the room, I engaged in a inner conversation with this “weak and cowardly” demon. I continued to egg him on to show his face there that night. I told him to reveal himself through me if he dare, if he was not too afraid of a fight with a “real man” instead of a little girl!

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The Enemy Within

As the room faded away, I found myself in a very different place. My throat was swelling again, and I could feel something moving around in me. I kept running to God in silent prayer. I was afraid of what everyone else would think as I could feel my head pitching back and forth. I wanted to scream out “There is a demon in my throat,” but I was afraid if I opened my mouth whatever it was would escape and go after my family.

As I would regain my composure, I would find my body trembling. My hand was on Jim's back at this point as they had moved over to pray for Jessica. I was hoping that Billy would catch a glimpse of my eyes and “know” what was going on inside me so he could deal with it.

My Spirit I had to wait until everyone in the room had been prayed over. Whatever was going to take place would have to wait!

As I sat there, I wrestled with the reality of what was happening. Could I really have a demon inside of me, or was all this just a mind game I was making up? I knew there was “something” in my throat, but what was it? I started to convince myself that what I was feeling had happened because Hamash must have taken me up on my invitation to “fight a real man.”

“Yes, “ I told myself, “that is it, I have let this guy have a right to come so we can abolish him to the abyss and my family will forever be safe from his attacks.” However, that did not explain why my throat had swollen twice already that day. Something was wrong and my fears began to swell to new heights.

For the rest of prayer time, I was fighting a personal battle within. My head would lurch backwards toward the light, but my eyes were tightly shut. As I was able I would force my hand up to my head and make the symbol of the cross on my forehead. I knew a battle was coming, and I was fighting to make it through the prayer time. My body would shake and inside I just wanted to get up and run out of the house. It was so hot in that room and I was very uncomfortable. Every time I would think I might run away, I would feel the shame of what running away would say about my belief in God. As Cristina prayed over Billy, I opened my eyes and thought, “Finally, they are almost finished!” I had caught myself getting mad because the prayer time seemed to be taking forever.

“Can’t they see something huge is happening over here with me? Come on already!” I thought.

As they finished praying over Billy, I stared directly at him. To my dismay I realized that Tina Gabriel had yet to be prayed over! “Oh great, one more person! Idiots, hurry it up! I need your help!” is what was running through my mind.

Cristina finished and was sat down. Julie had crossed the room and was standing behind Tina and Billy. “Alright!” I thought. “Billy, look in my eyes and lets get this party started!

Hamash has got to go! I have him trapped in my mouth and we got to take care of this sucker!”

Billy looked right at me and NOTHING happened!

“What the heck! What is wrong with him? I thought you were some great demon slayer!

Why can’t you tell by my eyes that a demon is right in front of you?” I decide that maybe Billy was just an impostor and there was no way he could help me.

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Billy started telling everyone he was tired and worn out. He had been involved in a dream the night before in which he felt as if he had left his body and gone to cast out demons from a little girl somewhere else in the world. A little girl who he did not even know. He felt as if God was letting him know his work was about to intensify and he asked for prayer. Julie looked at Billy, as a mother would look at a child and said, “I am afraid your work has just begun!”

Julie looked at me and as I caught her eyes, I began to roll my eyes toward Jessica in an attempt to communicate that something was wrong. The rest of me felt like it was frozen in place. Julie looked confused so I tried again, rolling my eyes and this time, turning my head toward Jessica. I was desperately trying to give any hint I could about a demon being there without opening my mouth. I was terrified if I opened my mouth, “he would get out!”

Julie still did not understand, so she finally just said, “Ray, are you okay?” All eyes turned my way! I stared at Julie! What should I do? Should I tell them, or just nod my head that everything was alright? Only a few seconds passed, but it felt like hours to me. I pointed at Jessica's little notebook I had seen earlier in her hands. Julie cried out, “Give him something to write on! He can’t speak!”

By now, my hands were shaking frantically! I wanted help! I felt desperate! Jessica gave me the notebook and with shaky hands I wrote; “Hamash is here! Invited to be Cast to Abyss! Use Me!” and I handed it to Billy.

He stood up to read it. “Hamash is here!” He could not read the next words, as my hands had been shaking so bad as I wrote. So he skipped to “Cast to Abyss!” Billy ordered everyone into prayer and said he was going to let the “rest of the house” know what was going on. As he passed by me, I motioned, but he did not notice. So I hit him, pointing again to the notebook.

Then I wrote, “Get MEN!!!!” I knew in my heart, things were about to get very violent and there was no way this room of little girls and one skinny boy was going to hold me back!

Billy went out and Julie came over to me. She knelt in front of me and said, “Everything is going to be okay. I know you are scared, but I knew this was going to happen, it is going to be alright!” I gave her a very confident look and thumbs up. I pointed to my throat, then to the floor, symbolizing that this demon was “going down.” My confidence was very high as I felt this demon was so stupid for falling for my trap. Did he not know we were “more than conquerors” and that he did not have a chance. As the room began to pray, Tina again asked if I would get on my knees. I instantly dropped to the ground. I thought, “This is going to be easy!”

Everyone was praying and I heard Billy at the door telling someone that I said that I had a demon in me and had asked for it to be cast to the abyss. Someone asked if the demon had “manifest itself at all?” I heard another girl say that my eyes had been rolling into the back of my head as we had been praying and that I was mumbling the whole time. I thought I had kept it hidden very well, but evidently the truth that there was something going on had been seen after all.

Then it happened! All hell broke loose! I literally went berserk! Rage engulfed my entire being and I felt a surge of amazing power rush through me. There were a lot of hands on me,

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trying to hold me back, but I was rising up to my feet, prepared to destroy whatever I could! I heard someone say, “Okay, here we go!”

Just as I was beginning to rise up, Billy spoke: “You will not be violent!” When he said those words I recoiled back to the ground, but my rage was only growing. Several times he would say this as I started to stand up, and I felt my rage begin to focus on him! I wanted to explode, but somehow, his words were able to push me back down. When my rage chose him as a focal point, I actually felt myself get stronger. I raised my head, set my eyes on Billy and lunged forward. He seemed to dance around as he spoke to me seeking for my spirit, the spirit that is Ray, and he grasped for control of the situation.

Hamash had heard all that Billy had said about being tired. I remember thinking, “He is weak! We have him tonight! He can’t win. He is worn out! We have finally got him.” I laughed out hysterically at Billy. I had gotten to my feet and he continued to tell me I could not be violent. I never looked around the room, I was 100% focused on Billy. He was the one that was causing “me” trouble. I thought, “If I can get him in my hands, I will have him! I will snap him in two!” I looked at my left hand and with all my might moved it forward against the opposing force of all those trying to hold me back. I grabbed his leg and was overjoyed! “I’ve got him!” I thought, but it lasted just a moment as he pulled away and the force of those behind me pulled me back down to my knees.

I was determined to get Billy. My hatred for him was immense, so I tried my right arm. I focused all my energy as I reached for him. I avoided looking into his eyes, remembering from Julie’s story about how his eyes were piercing during her exorcism, and I was not going to look into them. In the depths of my soul there was a faint whisper of the Holy Spirit that let me know that I had been feeding this demon information as I had read Julie’s story. The demon was looking for a weak link in Billy.

As I grasped his right arm, again, a surge of confidence that I would be able to defeat this “little man” came over me. Although I was pulled away again, my confidence had grown.

That is, until I looked into Billy’s eyes.

Billy was extremely intense as he sought to gain eye contact. I fought and fought, even closing my eyes, but somehow, as he grabbed my chin, he was able to command my eyes to open. “Look into my eyes!” he screamed! “Look into my eyes! Hamash!”

Suddenly, Hamash spoke out for the first time that I realized it was not me speaking. It scared the life out of me. How was this demon able to have control of my tongue? I thought I was mighty and that I would be able to help Billy kick this guy out quickly. Suddenly I felt despair come over me as Hamash answered him?

“Yes?” Hamash inquired!

Billy looked right into my eyes, into my soul, and informed Hamash that his time was short. He could no longer be violent, and that by the power of Jesus Christ, he would be cast to his everlasting home, the Abyss.

I could feel Hamash have his first moment of panic. It was like all the sudden, he realized Billy was right! Now it was like he just wanted to leave the room. He was ready to get out. He started trying to imitate me as Billy would have me quote Scripture from the Psalms.

Billy was determined that I was to be the one who repeated the verses back to him. Hamash

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would continually try to imitate my voice, at times even deceiving me. Billy would say, “No Hamash, you shut up! Ray has to say this. Not you, only Ray!” Then Billy would search my eyes, looking for me, the real me. Hamash was very deceptive though, and constantly would try and sneak back into the situation. Somehow Billy would know, even when I was unaware of the demons presence myself.

Eventually, both Hamash and I began to wear down. I know my strength had faded and I felt extremely weak. Hamash must have sensed his power weakening as well. Best I remember, I had fallen back on my knees as Billy kept leading me in the quoting of Scripture. However, Hamash kept trying to take control, so Billy began to squirt water in my face and this agitated Hamash greatly! In fact, he hated it! He would react violently at first. As his power weakened through the hearing of God’s Word, he attempted to retreat and hide himself, pretending to be gone. Billy, through the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, was thankfully able to stay on top of the situation.

Billy required Hamash to speak by asking him a question. “Hamash, why won’t you leave? Why are you still here? Is there someone holding you back?”

In the recesses of my soul, I heard this question and thought, “No way! I set a trap for this demon, there aren’t anymore!” I had read in Julie’s story of a demon who was held back by a more powerful one, but this could not be the case with me. I wasn’t demon possessed, was I? Hamash was forced by the Spirit of God to answer truthfully. I felt a war raging inside of me as the Spirit fought this demon. Eventually Hamash admitted that there was another demon that was more powerful than he holding him back.

“No!” I screamed inside! “This cannot be!” Panic took over me and I began to think of how I could make all of this go away! What had I started? How did I get into this mess? The room closed in on me and I desperately wanted to run away. I wished I had never come to CO! I wished I had never heard Julie’s story! My life before now was not that bad! “Oh God! What have I done!” I cried out inside my soul!

The Demons Hamash is a Hebrew name that is well known to most people in Christendom. It is translated as, Jacob, and means “one who supplants, or one who takes by trickery or force!”

Before his fall, Hamash had been know as Has-Kabah, or, “one who brings a beacon of light.”

Now his job was to trap in bondage and lies. He offers ecstasy, but it is a false state of pleasure.

Hamash was very strong and powerful. He is one who seeks and desires a place of prominence, although he has not earned it. His power was immense, but, praise be to God, he was no true match for the power of the Holy Spirit.

By now hours had passed, and we had just found out that there was more going on inside of me than originally thought. The truth I realized was that I was in greater need of help than I had previously realized.

After being weakened through the Word of God, Hamash had given up the truth of more demons we were dealing with. I could sense a fear in Hamash. He was afraid of this other

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demon who had him. So when asked for the demons name, Hamash cried out, “No, I can’t! I can’t! They wont let me!”

Billy was persistent. Eventually, Hamash gave him the name, “Sebon.” Billy tried to work on “Sebon,” but there was never an answer. Sebon would not speak and Hamash was seeking a time of rest to restore his strength.

It was at this time, I had lost all my personal strength. I was actually leaning so far back, I could feel my knees aching and my feet going to sleep. I spoke up and said I was “tired.” I asked for rest, but there was none. Billy stayed on top of things, quoting Scripture over and over. I was now being restrained by several strong guys and many of the ladies filled the room with their voices of prayer. Hamash and I were both extremely weak and I asked if I could lay down. I was seeking a place of rest and had no idea that the Holy Spirit was about to intensify the battle.

I tried to rest on the floor and Julie held my head as a mother would. On my left arm was Mike and BJ. On my left leg was Sam, the mighty warrior. Holding my right leg was Jim the “tiny one.” Holding on to my arm was Paul, Mike’s oldest brother and holding my right hand in some martial arts hold was Jeff. All around were ladies with eyes closed and prayers being offered.

What I could not figure out was why they were all still there. I probably would have run if I was watching all this, messing my pants along the way. These people were showing no fear. They were giving themselves to God and allowing Him to do His work through them.

Suddenly, Billy hopped on my chest using a wrestling technique from his days on the wrestling team. Although a tiny man, he felt like a lead weight on me. I felt as if I could not breathe. He began to seek for Sebon again. Still no reply. Eventually he asked Hamash again for the demons name. I was trying to convince them it was all over and that the demons were gone! Billy squirted me with water again and it ran up my nose, burning like fire!

“No Billy, not my nose! I hate water up my nose,” I cried out in a panic!

I am not sure when it happened or exactly what it was, but I had become afraid of drowning at a very young age. The fear had grown so much, that I hated being around pools or a any body of water in fact. Not only was I afraid of drowning, I was afraid of my children suffering that fate. Water brought me great fear. I would overcome it and jump in a pool, but as soon as I went under water I would always be gripped with fear and fight to find the surface. As a kid, I could hold my breath for well over a minute, but now, just a few mere seconds under water frightened me. I had always blamed my mother for this, because I had a memory of her tossing me into a creek when I was a child. I would later learn, that this memory was not true.

The worst thing about water was, when I would emerge from being under, water would be in my nose and I could not breathe. I would feel a burning and grab for the side of the pool, desperate to clear my nose. Now the water that Billy was using that had been running down my face before, was now causing the same effect as water from a pool, and I HATED it!

I can remember Billy looking up for a minute, as if seeking the leading of the Spirit. Julie said, “They have to be uncomfortable!” So Billy ignored my pleas, and kept squirting the water.

It had its intended effect, as Hamash too was very afraid of the water. Inside I began to understand that this water left him weak and weary, as it reminded him of his final resting place, the Abyss. Therefore, it seems he had created this fear in me in order to protect himself.

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Needless to say, after more prayer, more Scripture quoting, more water, and more direct questions, Hamash’s fear of the Spirit grew stronger than his fear of the “other demon.” He did his best to “protect” the other one by offering several different names, but eventually the truth was spoken as Billy asked me for my help. “Ray, I need this other demons name! Ray, I need your help!”

I was so weak, so confused, so tired, I wanted a break. I wanted out of there. God however gave me strength and the name of the next demon was finally revealed: Zahar.

Zahar is a female name meaning “daybreak” or “shine, sparkle, or bloom.” That may be a very unorthodox name for a demon, and I am certain, looking back, that it brought some confusion. Evidently, female names are uncommon in these situations.

Zahar spoke to Billy, and she was very feminine in tone. I began to understand that this night was not going to end anytime soon. I began to get sick as I felt a knot in my stomach and in my throat. I felt like I had to puke. I asked to be let up, but Billy sensed I was not to be let go and that it was actually the demons seeking reprieve.

Soon after I began to throw up violently. Part of me was horrified and felt bad for Billy as he received a full blow from my first “explosion.” On the other hand, I felt some weird sense of satisfaction that I had puked on him. Looking back, I realized that it was the demons who were enjoying seeing him covered in my regurgitation!

Over the next several hours Billy kept working on Zahar and Hamash. He was commanding Zahar to let go of Hamash, but she would not. Hamash simply would not leave. He eventually had to change shirts because he was covered in my puke. I remember looking up and saying, “Wow Billy, you are buff!” Zahar was speaking through me and it was clear she was a very sensual demon.

For hours Billy worked, prayed, and the demons fought back. I was confused very often as to whether it was me speaking or the demons. We went back to quoting more Scripture.

Suddenly, Julie said she felt we should call Jason Duncan, my friend back at home who was praying over my house.

“Yes, Yes!” I said. “Call Jason!”

However, no one knew his number except me. I was somehow able to spit it out and Craig dialed him up. Now it was about 1 in the morning back in TN when Jason's phone rang.

Craig was unable to say much more than, “A demon has manifested in Ray. Not sure where you stand on all this, but we felt as if you needed to pray with us.” I am sure he was confused, but Jason jumped in without question.

The details following are pretty much the same song, second verse. Moments of feeling victory, then panic. Lots of puking! With each puke I would ask, “Is that them, are they gone now?” But they were not, and I became more and more despondent that this would never end. I begged them to call my dad back home and ask him to pray as well. I was crying out his phone number but Billy did not believe he should be called. I wandered, “Why won’t he call my dad?”

At one point, Billy left the room to pray. I relaxed in Julies hands and spoke briefly to those in the room. I remember Sam standing up to stretch his legs. “The warrior!” I said with a

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smile. Inside I felt a sense of mockery in my tone. “Was it me or the demons speaking?” I wandered.

Julie left the room during this time as well and I rested on the floor. Cristina, who had prayed over me earlier, came and sat in Julies place. I had been looking for Cristina during the whole process. I was looking for a timid one, or someone to make afraid. I sought the faces of all the ladies, hoping to find a fearful one so I could blame them. My search was to no avail. As I lay on the floor, I felt a hand on my chest. I shut my eyes tight and my thought was, “Don’t open your eyes! Don’t look!” When I did, looking down at me was Aubrea, Billy’s youngest daughter.

Aubrea was by far the smallest person in the group. She was so tiny that next to her dad, he looked big. She was thin, short, and appeared to be frail. She had her dad's dark, piercing eyes. and they frightened the demons. My eyes closed tightly! I strained to force them open so I could look at her. Her eyes brought fear into my soul, but rest to my spirit. She was both frightening and comforting.

Before I knew it, Billy was back and he went right back to work. He was asking again if there was something more, another demon perhaps. He eventually asked “How many are there Ray?” Was there more demons holding both Zahar and Hamash? First I cried out in despair that there was 6, then 27, then multitudes. Then I finally I said, “I don’t know.” Billy encouraged me to search deep and rely on the Holy Spirit. Eventually I was able to share that there were three.

Billy then asked how long they had been in me. This is where Hamash again tried to display his deceptiveness, trying to imitate my voice again. The Holy Spirit was more powerful though and after much squirming, the demons confessed they had been in me since I was 2 years old!

“Two?” I thought? How could this be? What happened then? How did they get there?

Was this all real, or was I just dreaming?” These thoughts would prove to haunt me for days, and even weeks to come.

I know this may seem difficult to understand, but I personally felt a great fear sweep over these demons, as they shuttered at the power and presence of a deeper, darker demon.

They would NOT reveal his name. Billy began to ask for my help again, asking the Holy Spirit to help us. They called upon the angels to come and give their assistance.

Again, I remembered from Julie’s story that Lisa and Jessica had been able to see Angels come and assist in taking away Julie's demons. Billy cried out to God, asking, “Why are the angels not coming?” Then he turned to me, “Ray, what are they holding on to? Why won’t these demons leave?”

“FEAR!” I said. “Someone is afraid!” The fear gave them power. I searched the room over, looking for who was afraid. Cristina laid her hands on my head. “What is that?” I asked.

“What is on the floor behind my head. It is cutting my head. It hurts, like something stabbing into my head.” I looked around, trying to see behind me on the floor. It was nothing. I could hear them all talking about it, but there was “something” piercing my head as Cristina touched me.

“Who is afraid?” I asked. “Who ever it is needs to leave. You are hindering this process.”

Billy scanned the room, the eyes of every soul, and none showed any fear. They were all before God and crying out in prayer. “Who is afraid?” I wandered.

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Billy pressed me for the name of the final demon. “What is his name Ray? Hamash, tell me, who is it! I command you in the name of Jesus!” I broke forth, my lips stuttering through the squirts of water. “Sing with me! Please! Sing the song ‘The Joy of the Lord is My Strength!”

Billy looked at Sam and Craig and all around were blank stares. No one knew the chorus! Somehow, I was able to lead them in the chorus I had learned in my childhood. As the singing grew louder, I felt the Holy Spirit surging from within me. It kept growing stronger and the demons kept getting weaker. Were we nearing the end?

Finally, I stammered. “The demon! The demon! His name is........” but it would not come out. Something was keeping it from exiting my lips. As they sang, Billy pressed forward and I begin to say, “Sounds like, sounds like....” Billy was listening very close, pouring water on my face. “Sounds like, Ezekiel! Zek...Zeki.....Zekiel!” I finally cried forth. His name is Zekiel.

When I said it, Billy was not sure, but I heard Jessica tell him that Zekiel was “black in appearance, one of dark sorcery.” She had been given a vision to see him. Later, Jessica would say this of Zekiel: His appearance: is very much like a man. The most man-like of all the demons I've seen. He's tall and huge and wears a black robe with some red on it, and a black turban. He has piercing red eyes, and some-sort of thin facial hair/beard thing going on. His tongue is that of a snake.

His location: there is ice everywhere. The ice is all cracked. There is nothing else around in this location. I have the sense that he's not really on earth, if that's possible. If he is on earth, he is in a very remote location.

The way he travels: is in the form of a black bird, with the same red eyes His power: sorcery, “I have power over the tongue. I have power to keep people from speaking” His staff: is thick and tall and made out of some sort of wood. He holds it in his right hand. When he would start to stumble (due to our prayers), his staff was his source of strength.

His staff is anger, bitterness, and PRIDE. His name: I wonder if Zekiel is not his real name. Or if it's one of his names (if that's possible). I just have a sense that he has a deeper name or something.

Without getting too much into conjecture, or speculation, what I can say about this demon is he was VERY powerful and he brought great fear into the hearts of the other two demons. I could feel their fear. Zekiel could strike panic with just the mention of his name. In fact, Hamash began to cry out to God, “Restore us to yourself, O LORD” quoting a verse from Lamentations 5:21-22. Billy reminded him there was no restoration for him and Hamash became extremely fearful. He realized he had failed, as his job was to hide the existence of a deeper

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darkness in me. Hamash was the “face man” and his job was to keep the fact that “Zekiel” was there hidden. Now Hamash was afraid of what would happen to him by the hand of Zekiel. He even began to beg for the angels to come and get him after he realized he could never be restored. Hamash was afraid!

I remember telling Billy that this final demon was VERY strong and would not go easily.

He had been weakened some by trying to hold the other two back for the purpose of hiding himself, but he was still very strong. Hours kept passing by, and it was still not over. I started to wonder if it would ever end. I was soaked in my own puke. The girls had started doing loads of laundry , cleaning the towels being used to clean me up and the puke from the floor. I had gained enough strength to warn them before each expulsion, but it was still very intense.

In retrospect, I now see how through the quoting of scripture, prayer of the body, and singing of praises to God, the Holy Spirit begin to gain strength in this war. That is how I was able to become more involved in the situation. However, I was still weak and felt powerless. I found myself relying on the Holy Spirit and those around me.

I hate having to rely on anyone other than myself. I goes against the very nature of who I am. I have always considered myself an “able bodied” and “spiritually strong” person. In fact, I had played out scenarios in my mind during my life in which I would take on demons, and by just saying the name “Jesus,” they would flee from me. Now I was laying helpless on a floor and realized I had been deceived regarding my own strength and abilities.

As the “wind” of the Spirit blew through, and the power of the demons weakened through prayer and the reciting of God’s Word, victory seemed to be coming. Billy continued to command Hamash and Zahar to leave, and telling Zekiel to let them go. Every time it seemed like the first two were on the verge of leaving, something would happen and it would all start over again.

Billy begin to ask me what was Zekiel’s source of strength. I was so out of it I did not understand what he was asking for. I felt helpless and weary. He mentioned some staff that was in Zekiel’s right hand on which he would lean to catch himself every time he would almost fall.

“What is his staff Ray,” Billy asked over and over. All I could say in response was, “FEAR!” I began to force my right hand open, hoping this would help the situation and loosen Zekiel's grip on his staff. That is when Billy stopped, looked down at me, then stood up.

Standing over me, he turned to everyone and began to ask them to share testimonies of what God was doing in their lives. As the air filled with the stories, I again felt my strength returning. I felt renewed in my spirit. I was singing the chorus again, “The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!”

The two Armstrong brothers holding my arms started sharing lessons they were learning in their study of I and II Peter. It was like wings to my spirit as they spoke. I begin to sense the Spirit really coming forth. I pleaded with them to continue. I was blowing out my breath toward an open window offering escape to the demons within. I remember looking up and saying, “Zahar is gone!” Billy did not respond, but rather kept asking for people to share.

Billy began to offer me water to drink from the same bottle that had brought me so much torture. I was so thirsty. As he gave me water, I could feel in my throat the swelling, not wanting me to swallow. Sometimes I could swallow, other times the demons would spit the water back

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out. With every swallow, more strength returned and a renewed confidence that the victory would soon be won.

When the testimonies ended, I felt as if the final demon had “broken into pieces.” I shared this with Billy. He was not phased and continued to call on the Lord. The water bottle was used both to bring torture to the demons, and relief and strength to me. Suddenly, I felt a large knot form in my stomach muscles on the left side!

I told Billy to place his hands on the left side of my stomach, and he felt it as well. It was Zekiel! He had attached himself to my very core and was holding on. I still had no clue what “his staff” was other than fear. It was evident it was more than that, as we later learned from Jessica's words I added earlier. His staff is anger, bitterness, and Pride, and these things are masked in fear.

As Billy began to press on this “knot” it would move up my side, but the grip he had was very strong. I called on Craig to join him in pushing on the demon. I stopped them as the knot was in my ribs, and said I had to confess something. I began to confess my pride in my strength and my abilities. I confessed that I relied on my own strength and power in life, especially my physical strength. I asked God to forgive me, then began to push with all my remaining might and screaming for the demon to leave me. I commanded him to exit my body, telling him he was not welcomed to live in me anymore.

The knot had made its way up to my throat, and Billy was holding on with all his might, Craig was right at his side pushing as well. The knot in my throat felt as if it was literally trying to choke the life out of me, not allowing oxygen to pass. I remember thinking, “God take care of my family, I am about to die on this floor!”

I felt my body convulse, then violently release with my head flying back. I thought, “That is it! They just left!” Billy however maintained his hold on my throat, pushing harder and harder. I cried out, “Your choking me! Your going to kill me!” He finally released his grip, exhausted from the fight.

I sat up and said, “That is it! We are done for now!”

Billy asked me what I meant. I explained it was all over and that the demons had left.

Billy did not agree, but I was staunch in my stance! “Your gonna have to trust me, we are finished! They are gone!” I said emphatically.

Billy asked for confirmation around the room, but everyone else seemed to agree with him that things were not finished. “What stupid idiots!” I thought. “Can’t they see what I see? I thought these people could see into the spiritual realm.” (I would learn later that during the whole night, there was a “spiritual cloud” that hindered Lisa and Jessica's spiritual sight and it was very “disturbing” to them and brought major unrest.)

I argued as I sat up, telling them we were “DONE!” Billy went and prayed and returned with his same concerns. I held my ground that we were finished. He had me released and gave me a Bible and told me to recite Psalm 18. I knew this was a “test” and I was afraid they would not believe me as I was barely able to speak after all my screaming and the screaming of the demons through me. I slowly made my way through it and inside felt a little sense of “laughter.” It concerned me, but I was not going to go back down, I was ready for the night to be over.

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I made it through and a prayer was offered. I was helped up, soaking wet, drenched from head to toe. I am sure I wreaked with the smells of sweat and puke, but Billy was the first of many who embraced me with open arms.

My mind was spinning. What just happened? Was this all real? How did the demons get in me? How did they stay hidden for so long? What happened to me when I was two? Who was the source of my troubles? Why did God let this happen? Was it really over, or had I just given up?

I left the house to get some fresh air. It was nearly 4 in the morning. Almost 8 hours had passed. My mind was still racing, and the lump in my throat was still there. Had the work been completed? If so, what was next? How was I going to tell Katie about this?

Suddenly, I was afraid to come home! I cried out to God, asking that He finish the work in me and he replace the now empty areas with His light. I was desperate for God to answer all my burning questions and hold me with His peace and comfort.

We loaded up to go home and Craig asked some very pointed questions on the way. I said, “Craig, trust me. It is over for now!”

“For now?” Craig inquired!

I did not know what to say. I wanted this all to be over and done with so bad. I was desperate. So I said, “It is finished!” and I determined to convince everyone that is was over.

Inside however, I was not fully certain what I was saying was true.

A plea to the reader.

I feel obligated to take a moment and warn you to be careful at this point. All of this can be very trying of ones beliefs. Christian with hidden demons? I know the concept can be overwhelming. But don’t stop here.

Our mutual enemy would love for you to get focused on the demons or even on how the story itself can be so intriguing. If we are not careful, we will wander off into making assumptions or speculations based on our understandings of Scripture. It would also be tempting to start looking for demons in other people or inside yourself. Maybe even to think there are “special agent” Christians who can kick out demons or see angels etc.....

DON’T!!!!! That is not the point of this story or what God is up to. God wants to reveal Himself to us through this journey. Please don't miss the ultimate goal here.

There are some who may have a gripping of fear because of my story. Trust me, I understand. Fear can be a natural outcome of hearing details of a spiritual deliverance. But again, that would not be accomplishing what God’s ultimate goal is. He is wanting us to see Him in all His glory.

I implore you to bear with me, to press on. God has so much to share. Keep your eyes on Him and move forward. There is so much of Him to see! He has used my bondage, which spanned 32 years, to glorify Himself. Come ahead with me, there is more.

Thanks!

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July 16th - July 19th, 2010

Well, amazingly, I was able to get a little sleep that night. When I woke up the next morning I was sore. I felt like I had been through 10 rounds with the heavyweight champ of the world. I also had little to no voice as I could barely speak.

With everything still swirling in my head, I was unsure of what to do. I felt “delivered,” but there was also a lingering doubt in my mind. I picked up my phone, dialed home, and to my shock, realized my phone was suddenly working again. I called Katie, literally whispering on the phone. I also called my dad and we had an interesting conversation..

Dad asked if everything was okay and I assured him it was. He told me that he had been awakened around 2am from a dream he had about me. He described that in the dream, he was holding me as a little boy with a head full of red hair. He was rubbing my back and saying “It’s okay son!” When he woke up, he began to pray for me.

I was floored and filled with joy. Evidently what Billy would not do, the Holy Spirit had done on His own. I thanked dad for sharing with me and I told him there was a lot to talk about, but it would have to wait till I got home. I told him it involved John, Raygan, myself, and so much more. I apologized for being rebellious and stubborn and asked him to forgive me. When I hung up, I was encouraged.

Our day was already planned out with several more meetings. I came upstairs and found Craig on the computer. He asked how I was doing? I told him I was fine and I told him that he needed to know that it was “over” and “the demons were gone.” His look told me and I could tell he was not convinced. He said nothing, only responding with a nod of his head. Julie fixed me some hot tea for my throat and I was given our itinerary for that day.

To be flat honest, the next few days flew by in somewhat of a blur. I listened to some amazing stories of God’s redemption and love for people from all walks of life. People who struggled with things from drugs, homosexuality, and even more. Each person had been freed from there bondage and was now walking with God. These people seemed to have real communion with God, one deeper than I had ever known. A common theme that struck me was how they communed or supped with God in simple “conversations” in which both parties spoke and God revealed himself and his direction for them personally. Several kept a journal filled with their times with God. I did little more than listen during these times, trying to soak it all in. I began reading more and more Scripture as I was desperate in my heart to find concrete evidence that what had happened was either not real, or, that it was finished.

My frustration with it all finally broke through when I called Jason on Saturday. I could not fill him in completely, but I told him what I could as my voice was still “worn out” from being over used. I expressed my frustration to him that no one there believed me when I said it was over. I had him convinced, and that helped me feel a little better. We agreed that we would talk more when I returned home and he agreed to continue to pray over our house until I got home.

As Saturday ended and Sunday began, I noticed something peculiar with myself. I found myself avoiding looking into a mirror. For some reason I was afraid of what I might see. I was

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afraid I might actually see “them” in my eyes if I looked in a mirror. I also begin to realize my growing fear of the fact that my return home was approaching. I had decided not to tell Katie or anyone else anything until we could talk in person. This just was not something you could tell over the phone. With my lingering doubts, how could I face them? Before I came, I was Ray, the happy, confident, follower of Jesus who took great joy in bringing joy to others and being a spiritual leader. Now, I was a man afraid to even look in the mirror, afraid of what he might see.

On Sunday afternoon, while in another one of our meetings, I literally forced myself to look in a mirror! It was not easy. I stared directly into my own eyes. All I could see was “emptiness.” My body did not look different, but my eyes did. “Oh God, what am I going to do? I can’t go home like this!” I prayed silently.

Sunday evening is when the group met together for a time of worship and teaching. We arrived a little early as Craig had to set up to record the meeting. The praise band was practicing as I walked to the rear of the room and found myself a perch on a counter top. The place they met was the fellowship hall of another church in Boulder. I closed my eyes and listened as the praise team played and sang. Eventually, I went out to the foyer in search for a restroom.

When I was in the restroom, I began to question God, literally demanding an answer.

“What is wrong with me God? What the hell have you done to me? Where have I gone? Why do I feel like this?” As I stood there, I noticed I was in front of a mirror. The thought came, “Look in the mirror and tell me what you see!” As I looked up, instantly I was struck with the fact that I had NO joy. I was a man empty of all things joyful. I was parched like an empty well or dry creek bed. I had been singing the Joy of the Lord was my strength, but there was absolutely no joy in me. When I realized this, I began to seek Gods face, begging him to restore my joy.

I exited the bathroom and sat down on a pew in the foyer. I sat and read Scripture hoping for answers. I read through several passages in Isaiah. I was hunting for some specific verses, but did not know the exactly where they were. As I was reading, several verses brought me encouragement, but nothing restored me completely. I was alone in the middle of a gathering crowd of people.

I was greeted with many smiles and simple hugs as more people arrives. I was looking for people to act strange around me, but no one did. Everyone else seemed to be moving forward. I was a little hurt at how they just seemed to act as if nothing had happened. I was in torment inside, but everyone else seemed to be full of joy. The very joy I now lacked in my spirit.

The meeting started and I joined Craig and Julie on the back row. I listened as they sang since I did not recognize most of the songs. When the singing was finished, Billy came forward with his notes for the night.

They were in the middle of a series in the book of Hebrews. They were studying the book going verse by verse. Tonight, they were going to be looking at Hebrews 11:32. “And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets,” Tonight's subject was Samson. The strong man whom God used to judge the Philistines.

I listened carefully to Billy and I was amazed by how the story seemed so real to me. I was shocked at the humanity of Samson. I had studied Samson before but had never realized what

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a royal screw up he was. He was extremely proud and arrogant. He followed the rules of the Nazirite vow as long as they suited him. I kept thinking, “Wow, Samson was not quite a ‘choice’ subject to be a judge of God’s people. He did whatever pleased him and really thought very little of God and His law. Yet, God chose him and used him, and here he is listed in the ‘hall of faith.’

Amazing!”

When the teaching was complete, Billy prayed then invited everyone to go to the back and partake of the Lord’s supper. In my heart I made the choice to NOT take the Lord’s supper that night. This was not just some decision, it was more like someone putting their foot down. I determined in my heart not to leave my seat.

One song passed and another began. I wasn’t really even listening to the music or words as I kept telling myself “I am NOT leaving my seat.” The second song was the one I had heard the team practicing earlier when I had arrived. It was called, “I surrender!” My ears tuned in to what was being sang, and then suddenly I heard a voice in my head speaking to me. It was the same voice I had heard nearly a year before in my bedroom. It was God! The room and music faded away and all I could hear was God speaking to me. “Ray,” he said, “you must surrender!”

I was confused. The song was about surrendering my all, but that is what I thought I had been doing for the past three years. I had come to realize I was nothing more than a steward of God’s riches. I had voiced over and over that nothing was mine. Not my wife, my kids, my home, my business, or even my life. One of my most fervent prayers had become one of asking God to help me be the “best steward” I could be. Now God was telling me I had to surrender. I did not get it!

“Surrender what God?” I asked. “ What do I have left to surrender? Have I not already given you all things? What are You talking about?”

“Ray, you must surrender Tennessee?” God replied.

Well, that could mean a ton of things. I asked God to be more specific, but that was all He would say. I could tell He was simply waiting for me to respond.

On the previous Friday, at a cookout, I had been asked by Andrea if I liked living in TN. I gave her my normal spill of how Tennessee was my “only home” and I never saw myself leaving it unless God “wrote it on the wall!”. I asked God if He was wanting me to move? Was he asking me to move out west, to Colorado? “What do you mean God?” In the background, the music continued. This surrender song was going on forever. God only repeated His previous statement, “You must surrender Tennessee. You must fully surrender to Me!” I sat there stunned. Was I actually talking to God again? I finally said, “Okay God! I don’t understand what You are talking about, but I will surrender Tennessee, whatever that means.”

God replied again, “Good, now signify that by lifting your hands up and worshiping me in this song.”

“What God?” I asked. I was afraid. I made all kinds of excuses like, “These people don’t know me, I can’t do that here.” Or, “No God, what if the demons manifest again here in front of everyone? They have guest tonight! No, we can’t have that!”

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God was firm, “Ray, you must raise your hands in worship to signify your complete surrender to Me.” I really did not want to do it. I opened my eyes and saw Tina standing in front of me. She had her eyes closed as she sang and her hands were at her sides, palms turned up to the heavens,” So, I did the same and said, “Okay, here you go God, I have done it. Is this good enough?”

“No Ray! I want your hands reached as far up to the sky as you can possibly get them!

Raise them up and WORSHIP ME!” God said emphatically.

I wrestled for a second in my stubbornness, but finally relented. “Fine! Here You go!” I said as I thrust my arms as high as I could. I even stretched my fingertips as far as I could and I began to sing along with the song “I Surrender.”

What happened in that moment is hard to put into words. As I reached heavenward and opened my lips and praised God, a rushing sensation filled my finger tips, as if something were fleeing out of my body. Simultaneously, I felt as if a bucket of cool fresh water was poured over my head! In that very instant, my heart was lifted up, and I was overcome with JOY! Joy overflowing out of me! I could sense the Holy Spirit dancing inside of me.

As the song ended and the next one began I opened my eyes. A huge smile crossed my face and I HAD to partake of the Lord’s Supper. I had gone from a determination to NOT take it, and now I would have probably run over someone to get there! The Joy of the Lord had returned to my soul and I was thrilled!

When the service ended, I could not wait to hug somebody! Craig was the closest, so I looked at him, and just said, “Wow, God is amazing!” Following that, I watched as the room begin to brim with conversations. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced what had just happened to me.

I engaged in a conversation with a young man, Rylan, who was on his own journey. He shared his concerns and fears in following God. Mostly involving his fear of “being 40 and still single.” He had been through struggles with homosexuality in his mind, but had been spared the outward experience. As he spoke, I simply listened, then told him he had no reason to be afraid, God was with him. God promised to fulfill all his needs in their proper time. I was so excited as I sensed God’s presence in that moment.

I eventually left the hall and called Katie. For the first time since the experience on Thursday evening, I was excited about coming home. I told Katie about God doing an amazing thing that night, and my joy had returned. I could not go into details seeing she did not know the whole story, but it was enough that I could sense she could tell a difference in my voice (which had just returned to me that day.)

Everyone left the meeting and headed down to a local restaurant. I learned that this was their Sunday evening ritual. We went to a place called “Pete’s Cafe” and enjoyed a meal together. Craig and Julie grabbed some food, but I was not hungry. I just joined them at the table and we were also joined by another young lady who asked all about my wife and kids. It was fun to talk about my family again.

As we were leaving, I saw BJ and grabbed him. I told him of what God had just done at the meeting. I was bubbling over with excitement. BJ listened and rejoiced with me. However, I

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made one critical mistake. I added one little line to the story. I said, “Yea BJ, God told me I had to surrender, and I was really fighting Him on it. But, God said ‘You MUST surrender or else’ as if He had a gun to my chest and I had no other choice.”

That is how I remembered it happening, or better yet, that is how I wanted to remember it. In that moment something started changing. A “slipping” of some sorts back into a trust in my own power. I had taken credit for surrendering by trying to make God appear as if he had to “force me” to do it.

The following day, we had more meetings set up, and I shared the story again several times, always adding the part about “the gun to my chest part.” Something inside me was starting to ache, but I could not put my finger on it.

In each meeting, I was sharing Scriptures I had been reading over the past few days, proudly speaking of the things God was showing me in His word. Later that day, we finally had our one on one with Billy.

We ate lunch together and I shared with Billy what God had done on Sunday night. He listened, and at points would interrupt me to point out some things. I hate when people do that, and I was getting annoyed. I tried to listen to him despite my annoyance.

Billy shared that I had to run to God and ask him all the “whys” and “hows” regarding what God had allowed to happen to me. I had heard this same thing from Craig ever since Thursday evening. I already had those answers, or so I thought.

I was putting all the blame on my mother. She had left our family in 2001 to pursue a “life of sin.” She was living in an adulterous relationship and was not following God. My memory of being thrown in water at a young age was attributed to her. I had memories of her being angry and bitter. She would show up late to church, and from my perspective, seemed to care little about God. She seemed more concerned with the “things of this world.” Therefore, she is who I was telling Craig was the source of my problems. Craig would quietly add, “Ray, you can’t discount anyone. You need to be open to the possibility it could be anyone, including your father.”

“Rubbish!” is what I would think in my head. It was becoming more and more evident that no one believed me when I said the demons were gone, and I was starting to wander myself. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement.

Before we left our meeting with Billy, I tried to share some concerns I had with him. It was evident the demons were after him and hated him very much, and I warned him of a way I thought they would attack him. He seemed to just brush it off as an impossibility. Again, this aggravated me. I began to see him as very arrogant and conceited in his walk with God. It was as if he felt as if he was “above it all” because “he could kick out demons.”

As parting words, Billy told me that it was clear that I was God’s chosen child, and that God wanted me to know His love. He told me that all the things I had endured, and the things I would learn from my childhood, needed to be seen as God’s expression of love for me. Lastly, I was given a warning! “God IS going to reveal himself to you Ray, and you have a choice. You can learn of Him through instruction or experience. Instruction through the teaching of His Word and the speaking of the Holy Spirit, or through the pains of experience of life. Either way, because you are His chosen, you WILL learn. The choice is yours!”

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The Vision We had one more meeting before we would go home and prepare for my departure the next day. On one of our last stops, Jessica was there and she came up to hand me a piece of paper. She was the girl who had seen a vision of Julie and the tree, and I had heard from others of the visions she had for them. She hugged me and smiled as she said, “God gave this to me on Thursday before everything started, and now I am suppose to give it to you.” I thanked her and put the small piece of paper in my pocket. Later, I pulled it out and it read: For Ray. “I want you to walk forward! The time in the Valley of the Shadow of death is over.

The time of being afraid is done. I am following you with my goodness and mercy, so stop, and see that I am here with you. I am the green pastures you are looking for. I am the streams of living water here to refresh you. I am El Shaddai (Lord God).”

Then I saw you (Ray) kneeling down, crying in front of Jesus, kissing the holes in His hands where the nails were. The cross is in the background, but it is not your focus Jesus is you focus!

These words would sink into my mind and soak into my heart. I did not fully understand what the depths of their meaning was, but I knew this was very important. I did not want to miss it by ignoring it or making light of it!

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Movie Night

Right after Julie’s deliverance, they had all sat down and watched the movie “Constantine” together. A movie about an exorcist who dealt with demons and could see them in humans by looking into their eyes. Craig had been wanting me to watch it ever since I had arrived, but especially since my “deliverance.” I really had no desire to watch it because movies like that just weren’t my cup of tea. On Monday night, Craig was insistent that we watch this movie, so he poked and prodded me until I relented. He loaded it up and we all sat down in front of the big screen in their basement to watch.

Without giving the movie away, there was a very intense scene in the very beginning.

This scene caused me to “jump out of my seat.” Craig was watching me more than he was the movie, and when I jumped, he asked, “Jumpy?”

“Of course I am Craig! I have always been jumpy in movies like this!” I replied.

As the movie moved forward, I forced myself to settle in, determined to make it through without being stirred anymore. In the end, there were some really cool truths in the movie mixed with “Hollywood Drama.” Julie had gone to bed already, and Craig and I finished it up. When it was all over, I stirred around a little as Craig got things shut down. We both took a spot on the couch, and I had a question for Craig.

“You don’t think it is over do you Craig? You think the demons are still in me don’t you?”

I asked point blank.

Craig looked at me and responded in a direct, but calm voice. “I will only answer that because you have asked me directly. NO! I don’t think it is finished. I believe a work was done, but I do not think it is over. There is still work to be done. As you move forward, you are going to have to be steadfast in your focus on Jesus. You are going to have to hold onto truth.” Craig also pointed out to me how many times I had mentioned “fear” since I had arrived. “You are gripped with fears Ray, and you have got to find out why, and you are going to have to trust God in those areas of your life.”

We talked for a good hour, but by the time we were done, my new found joy was gone. It had been slipping away all day, and now, I was back in a dark place. What was I going to do?

How could I come back and be the husband and the father I needed to be? How could we survive with my spirit being in such turmoil? I think this is when I first shared with Craig my concerns that maybe I had added something to my story of deliverance from Sunday night. If I did not share it out loud, it was definitely working its way through my mind.

Craig shuffled off to bed, leaving me to rest for a couple of hours before we headed to the airport. I was in no shape to sleep. In fact, just the thought of darkness freaked me out in that moment. I sat there and wondered what to do. I read a few passages of Scripture, read over the vision God had given Jessica, and then an overwhelming desire hit me! A desire to pray from my knees. To be honest I was a little frightened at the thought of getting in that posture again. What if the demons would again take over me? However, I knew I had to do it!

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I got on my knees and begin to cry out to God! “I need you Father! I can’t survive alone! I thought I knew so much, but here I am feeling as if I know nothing. I am being told so many of the things I have been taught are wrong. Inside I know this to be true, but I am afraid. Oh God! Please come and fill the voids that have been left inside of me.

Please fill me with your light to the point that it burst forth for all to see You! I am broken Father! Please, show me the way! Show me the ancient paths, where the ways are good, and cause me to walk in them!” (Jeremiah 6:16) As my knees began to get tired I arose and plopped on the couch. I was determined I would just stay awake with the lights on. Lilly, the Kendall’s dog whom I had never been overly fond of, made her way down to the room with me. For some reason on this trip, I had an unusual affection for her. I looked at her as she laid on the floor staring at me. In my heart I felt a comfort. I wasn't sure why, but I did. I laid down on the couch, and Lilly joined me on the opposite end of it (it was a L shaped sectional.) As I laid there I drifted off to sleep, comforted by her presence with me. When she would stir, I would open my eyes to make sure she was not leaving. I was like a poor little child, desperate for this dog to stay by my side so I could sleep.

At the appointed time, I heard Craig coming down the steps. I shot up off the couch, hoping to act as if I had stayed awake. I did not want to give an impression of fear or weakness to him as I was leaving. After all, I wanted Craig to be convinced that I was right and the demons were gone.

We loaded up and headed to the airport. On the way, Craig mostly spoke and encouraged me to be open to the leading of the Spirit that I knew was within me. We had chased Jesus together before this time, and he reminded me that just because demons had been allowed to hide deep within me, that did not negate the truth that the Holy Spirit was within me. I shared my concern of feeling so empty at that moment, that I was afraid I was ready to be brainwashed and led astray. I did not know who to trust or what to do, and, when I got home, there was not going to be ANYONE to walk with because who would love me after finding out this truth. Craig did not waiver, reassuring me I was not alone, and that Father was with me. He also reminded me that I HAD to be open to the possibility that my troubles could lie with anyone.

“I understand you think it all was through your mom, but you cannot discount anyone, including your dad!”

I hated it every time he said that! My dad was my earthly hero and my spiritual mentor.

He was the one I would always run to in hard times or when I was seeking spiritual wisdom.

Yes, we had had our differences over me “not going to church on Sundays,” but our fellowship had remained. Just before I left for CO, dad had warned me to be careful, as he was afraid “my friends” there (the Kendalls), had led me astray and he was concerned that they would lead me further from God as they were “the reason” I was not going to church anymore. Dad was a preacher and had served on the mission field in Japan. He was the most giving person I knew, both of himself and resources. In fact, he gave so much away, he was currently in a bad financial place, out of which I was desperately fighting to rescue him. “Your just wrong on that one Craig!” I told myself.

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The airport was in front of us, and my time to come home to Tennessee had arrived.

How was I going to handle this? How would I tell Katie the truth about what had happened?

Would she still accept me? What about everyone else? Was it over? Was the source my mom or dad, or somebody else? How did this happen to me? Why did it happen to me? What did God mean by surrender Tennessee? Was He preparing me to move? What was going on? All these questions flooded my brain as I walked through the airport.

As I waited for my flight, an anger began to fill me. Anger toward Billy! Anger toward God! Anger about what I had just endured! Anger that I had no answers! As I boarded the plane, my rage was boiling over, and I was ready to vent!

As I sat in my seat, I grabbed my phone and began to type an email to Billy. I carbon copied Craig because at this point, Billy was not some one I felt I could trust. I vented, literally “vomiting” out my disgust and hatred. I told him openly and honestly that I simply felt that I had been primed for a brain washing. I agreed I would listen to his teachings he had recommended for me, but I did not trust him and would be testing everything by the Word of God. The email was so long, that it took sometime into the flight to finish it. I pressed send, knowing that when I landed it would immediately go out. After I finished writing it, I felt a release of the anger in me. I had just let it all go.

At this point, I turned my attention to another enemy I needed to deal with. I FINALLY was ready to admit that I had given up and that the demon/demons may still reside in me. I began to speak to the demons within. I told them I was aware that they had succeeded in tricking me into believing they were gone. I let them know that I was aware of them still being there. The knot in my stomach resurfaced and I knew they were angry. Their plan to hide had failed.

I looked down and said under my breath. “I don’t care what you do to me. I don’t care how mad you are or how strong you are, because, my God is stronger! He is mightier! He is my shield! He is my defender! My high tower in whom I can take refuge. When it is all said and done, God WILL WIN! Nothing you can do will be able to stop that from happening.”

I could again feel their disgust and anger, but they knew I was speaking truth. That is when I remembered God’s Word through Jesus, “The truth will set you free!” (John 8:32) I again turned my heart to God and prayed a prayer that would become a staple for days and weeks to come. “Oh God, please fill up the dark voids that have been left behind inside of me. Fill them up with Yourself and Your light. Fill me to the point that your light burst forth and others can see You.”

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Back Home.

Before I knew it, I was back home in Tennessee. I walked out to the curb and waited on my wife and kids to pick me up. While sitting on the bench, I was overtaken with an excitement to be home. Tennessee, a place I knew and a place I was comfortable. A place I could call home. I had a choice in front of me. I could either rest again in this place and just slide back into my normal life, or I could pursue God and follow this path He had laid out for me. The question was, which one would I choose? Would I resort to my desire for comfort and peace, or would I pursue God regardless of the cost? Before I could answer, I saw the sight my eyes had been longing for ever since I had left home, my family! We all hugged and I got loaded up! I was finally headed home!

Katie wanted to know what all was going on and why I had sent them to her parents and the reason I had lost my voice. She understood when I said we would have talk when it was just us, but she still was anxious to know. What she could not see was the war going on in my head.

Would I actually tell her, or would this story be lost forever? All I could think of was Billy’s words, “You WILL either learn by instruction or experience. The choice is yours, but you WILL learn!

You are God’s chosen, and He will teach you!”

I knew I HAD to tell her, but when would we find the time? Knowing myself, I knew if I waited too long I would find a way to talk myself out of telling her. I couldn't help but think, “It will scare her!” or “She might leave me!” But God gave me the grace to tell her everything not long after we got home.

I began the story, and found myself struggling through it. I started with Julie’s tale, then told her about what had happened to me. It was actually harder than I thought it would be.

Everything in me was trying to keep the total truth from being told. When the day was done, I had been able to tell her everything without any exaggerations or cutting of corners. When it was all said and done, I felt another release of freedom. I had finally told the truth, and admitted that the fight was not over and that Zekiel was still inside of me.

I began to understand at this point a little more of what was going on. I was afraid of what life would look like without the demons. That is why I had quit fighting in Colorado. If they had been with me since I was two years old, what in my life was real? What had I attributed to God or even to myself that maybe they had done? Had they sustained me financially? Was my physical strength that I was known for actually because of them? What about all the things I “just knew” God had told me to do? Suddenly, I realized everything about my life had just crumbled and there was nothing left. What I held as most precious, my reputation and spiritual understanding, had been crushed!

My dear wife, Katie, is one who doesn’t even like movies that have a hint of “scary” in them and here I was tell her a real life scenario of angels and demons, and that demons had resided in me ever since she had known me. I had warned her in the beginning that this was going to be intense, but I felt she would be okay. When I was finished, I asked her how she was

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doing. Amazingly, she looked solid and she confirmed that she wasn’t as “freaked out” as she thought she might be.

The Journey had begun. All during the relating of my story to Katie, I felt the demons present. I felt them listening in, trying to regain some kind of ground by tripping me up and having me misrepresent something in the story. It was the first real time I could tell they were still there. It was also the first time I could sense their fear. The knot had yet again come up in my stomach in the same place. I looked to God and said that same prayer, “God, fill the void with your light and burst forth!” To the demons I said, “I know you are there, and I know you are afraid. I know you are fighting and will not go quietly. But you need to know this! My God is stronger! He is Mightier! And He will WIN!”

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Since Then.....

The following weeks after returning home were full of ups and downs. I still had to carry on life as a husband, dad, business man, and friend. Honestly, it was not very easy. I was only able to share my experience with very few people spread out over about a two month period.

During that same two months, I set out on a journey to learn about my past and how the demons were allowed to enter me. There were a lot of dark days, and I learned that many of the people I trusted the most were actually the ones who had done me the most harm. I have wrestled with what to share regarding those things in specific, but I believe those things have little to do with what God is trying to say through this story.

The basics are, God made me look directly into some of my worst fears and endure them head on. My life was gripped with fears that I had masked with a persona of strength. I pretended to be strong in order to hide my weaknesses. God was unrelenting in His task. He chose to completely break me through both instruction in His Word and life experiences. I will not pretend that I handled it all very well, because I did not. What was the most difficult to deal with was when he ripped away from me my spiritual foundation. My knowledge of His word and the men I considered as my spiritual guides were torn away from me. God told me I could have no one to rely on other than Him. He let me know that it was His desire to use me to “set His people free.”

If you remember the very beginning of this story, it was about an encounter I had with God. Our subject matter for that evening was the “freedom” of my family. As Matthew had asked, “How did a family who was once so close, get to where we are at today?” I had often asked that same question and I had also accumulated a list of potential answers. Just like looking into the “do’s and don’ts” of Christianity, I was compiling a list of our sins we needed to repent of. However, through my journey, God showed me we had a much deeper need. He allowed me to see that our bondage was not just a simple matter of changing actions, but rather, that we were under spiritual oppression from which He wanted to free us. As my eyes began to see all of this, and my mind started to comprehend it, God spoke to me again in a voice of sorrow: “Ray, as I have allowed you to see the truth behind the bondage of yourself and your family, it is only a picture of a greater bondage that needs to be seen. The bondage of MY family! My people, the bride of My Son, are under spiritual oppression! It is hidden deep within them and the Enemy has masked it very well. He keeps my people from the freedom of intimate communion with Me and I want to set them free.”

God began to open up my eyes, not to see angels and demons, but as Katie describes it, “Eyes to see the over all picture from above.” Amazingly, the journey started when I was just a boy, and intensified when I walked away from the church system in 2007. What the enemy

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meant for evil and harm, God has used in His master plan to set me free! I pray He will use it to set others free as well.

My relationship with Billy got better as I listened to some teachings in Scripture on his website. I tested every word with Scripture, not willing to accept what he said just because it was “Billy the demon slayer.” I knew Billy was just a man as myself, but a man who has a heart to pursue God. I also continued to stay in touch with Craig and ask him many questions. Some days were glorious, others like a black pit. My personal war was not over although the power the demons had and used to trip me up and confused me had been broken. The war had only just begun. I look forward to the day that it will be over, but until then, they are the tools that keep me on my knees before my God. What God is doing in my life, I would not trade for the life of ease of the wealthiest king. Some days I thirst for a break in the action, but I know His work is unrelenting as He has a purpose and goal, to make me into a reflection of His So, a “Little Jesus.”

This is not a guide book on the methods of kicking out demons. I am not going to tell you how it is done, because I don’t know. It is not an instruction manual on how to see the plots of the enemy so we can prepare our battles. I am not going to tell you how to see the fight, just hopefully awake you to the reality that we are in one. I have learned that if we focus on the enemy, then we have lost focus on our Father and Saviour! If there is anything short of pointing to God and His glory in this writing, then I repent right here and now. If it is not for His glorification, then it is all worthless.

That being said, I am going to share, hopefully through the leading of the Holy Spirit, what God has been teaching me since this all took place. It involves my misunderstandings about God and our Enemy that I had learned through my religious education. Sadly, we have grown very accustom to our religious understandings and I believe we have fallen prey to the trappings of the Enemy. He has hid himself deep in the recesses of our lives, and even using truth to deceive us and hinder our ability to really know God in the intimacy of real relationship.

Will this be easy? No! Will it be comfortable? No! Will it hurt? Yes! I can speak from personal experience. However, I promise you, it is worth the journey. Yes, there will be times that you will want to “run back to Egypt,” just as I wanted to. I promise you, I have drained every resource I have in an effort to explain away the events of July 15th, 2010. I wanted desperately to erase it from my memory. I would also like to change many of the outcomes from it as well.

Broken relationships. Broken hearts. Hard times inside our home. Confusion and dismay shrouded in a cloud of darkness. However, we must remember that behind every stormy cloud there hides a smiling face of a Father who joyfully cheers us on. At the finish line stands our Lover, our Passion, and our Bridegroom in the person of Jesus Christ!

I truly am a nobody. I have no training in biblical interpretation. I am simply a man who was raised in a Christian home, trained in Christian schools, and molded to “be the best Christian I could be.” As Paul said, if ever there was a man trained to be a “Pharisee of Pharisees,” it would have been me. In fact, that is what I was becoming when God removed me from the system of organized religion in 2007. It has been through this journey that He has revealed more of His heart to me.

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Some will label me as one who “bashes the church.” This is not true as I do not care to speak negatively of God’s chosen people for they are His crowning jewel. However, there are some “wrong beliefs” that God has shown to me through my own life that must be addressed in order for us to see Him more clearly. Otherwise, all we would be doing is trying to fit a new wineskin over an old one and they both would break. So be prepared, there will be some tearing apart, but it is necessary.

In the end, I hope to turn our eyes back to where God turned mine that evening I finally understood what He was saying in Romans 8:29. The creating of a “Little Jesus” in His people.

That is God’s ultimate goal and His true desire. He wants to mold us into the image of His only begotten Son so that we can stand before Him one day in perfection and He can turn to His Son and say, “Here is your bride Son! May your marriage be blessed” I don’t have all the answers. I actually have more questions than I do answers. I am daily asking God things that haunt my mind. I still wrestle with my enemy within. I long to be completely free, but the timing for that is not in my hands. It belongs to God. I have settled the fact that they are still warring against me, seeking to trip me up. That is a battle that I will face until God sees fit to change it. Much of it has to do with my decisions to completely trust in Him. Right now, they are keeping me on my knees seeking God out. Until I am able to willing bow before Him, I am sure God will continue to use them in my life.

I am not a prophet and I have never claimed to be. At times, I have been given insight into situations that were coming toward us, but I am nothing more than just a fellow traveler on our journey to God. I have shared with you my most hidden secrets and shame and I simply ask you to endure the first part of this journey, knowing in the end, I hope to simply stare at Jesus with you.

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Model Citizen aka Super “C” Christian

Now that I have told you of my recent story, let me tell you a little more about my upbringing. I mentioned that I was “raised to be the model citizen” in the world of Christianity. I was born in 1975 the son of a preacher man. My parents lived on a small farm in Tennessee close to the Kentucky state line. He preached but also continued to work in the family real estate and auction business to support our family. He was very good at making money, but his heart was in “Gods work.”

In the late 70’s, dad decided he had been called to Japan as a missionary. We left in 1978 and lived in Japan for 2 years. I was too young to remember anything from that time, only able to relay stories that I had been told. I know that my father had a real heart for the people of Japan, but an illness in late ‘79 brought us home. Dad never ceased to talk of returning to Japan one day, but that never became a reality.

Upon dad’s recovery, he began preaching at a small church in Hartsville, TN. I can barely remember anything about that time, as I would have been about 4 years old. I do remember one night sleeping in the gym at that church for some reason with a bunch of other kids and one VBS and playing in Noah's ark in the yard!.

Something happened at that church, and dad decided to start his own church in Hartsville. He rented the old theater off the square, and the Hartsville Christian Fellowship was founded. Most of our family attended there with us, along with others who had come from the previous church. I thought that old building was the coolest thing ever. The seats made noises every time you sat in them, and there was still the old screen for movies to be shown on. The stage had been used for theatrical plays, and I was not too shy to perform up there myself at any given time. I am pretty sure I got a few spankings for being up there in my time because we had been told not to play on the stage.

When I was old enough to attend school, I was sent to a small Christian School in Gallatin TN along with my brother. Several families from our church and the host church in Gallatin had come together to form Southside Christian School. It was based on the ACE (Accelerated Christian Education) curriculum. Other than a couple of years in South Carolina and Georgia, I did all my schooling under the ACE program.

Embedded in this system were some cartoon characters who would grow with the students through school. Although they were not real, they were just as much a part of our lives as the friends we played with at recess. Ace, Racer, Pudge, Christy and Sandy were their names and these guys had parents, teachers, and wore the same uniforms as we did. One remarkable thing about these characters, especially Ace and Christy, is they never seemed to mess up. They were the “perfect Christian” and they are the role models that I grew up wanting to be like. Their lives seemed to bring pleasure to God and their parents and I wanted to be like them.

When we returned from South Carolina and a short stay in Georgia, dad had settled into a role as an Elder at Southside Baptist Church where the school was located. My uncles had taken over at the Hartsville Christian Fellowship when we had left, and for some reason we just

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did not fit back in. I have not clue as to what all went on during that time, but I do know the reason we came to Southside was because dad did not want to take a “back seat” to his brothers at the church he had founded. I was too young to understand any of that stuff at the time.

Dad joined two other men as elders at Southside and he begin to preach on Sunday evenings. I was a preachers boy and we were raised in a very disciplined household. After all, we had a reputation to uphold. Our family was a highly respected family in the community and we were considered to be wealthy due to my grandfather’s success in Real Estate. Therefore, not only did I have to be “model citizens in the church,” we also had another reputation to uphold of being successful.

When we came back to town, dad rented a house, but that was short lived. He had gotten back into selling real estate, and everyone knows renting is just a “waste of money.”

Therefore, he bought a house not long after being back. It was a nice house on 10 acres with a barn. It was perfectly located between Hartsville and Gallatin. We could go to church in Gallatin and dad was centrally located for his real estate work in the area. It was perfect!

We lived in this house longer than any other house before or since. This is where my brother and I went through our teen years, high school graduation, and into college. My brother is 362 days older than me ( I don’t give him the full year since he didn’t quite make it) and he carries the family name. Gene Carman the Third, or “Little Gene” as everyone knows him, was and is a great brother to me. He beat the stuffing out of me until I was 15, but we had many great times together as well.

However, Gene had one fault in my eyes. He never seemed to mess up or make as many mistakes as I did. He was always doing things the right way. Was he perfect? No! But from my point of view, he was as close as one could get. He carried the family name and he was great at sports. He didn’t have any problems getting a girlfriend and he had everything going for him. He always got the praises of those around him, especially my grandfather and dad. From where I was standing he had a “perfect life.”

On the other hand, I had a good life too, but I always felt like I was chasing something I could never catch. I wanted so bad to be accepted like Gene was. He was the “golden child” of the family, similar to Joseph in the Bible. It always seemed that he had the “coat of many colors,” and I was just scraping my way through the hand me downs. No doubt I was very jealous even when I outgrew him in sports ability and height. However, I still felt as if I was chasing him. In my mind, I just never seemed to measure up!

Needless to say, during the raging hormone years of a teenager, I kept getting into more and more trouble. I was very rebellious in my attitude and I even told my mother one day that she was no longer “big enough” to spank me” I was not afraid to stand up to my dad either during these times. Needless to say, I was a handful, but what teenager isn’t?

I excelled in sports, however, our small Christian school only had basketball as a team sport. I was built more for football, but I dealt with what I was given. At the age of 15, I decided to follow my brother to public school in order to play football. This little stint only lasted till the end of football season, and I was back at Southside again.

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Our school was small and intimate. Most people knew everything about everyone else as we were all in on the “gossip line.” All of my cousins from the Carman family came to school here as well and others thought we got preferential treatment as our family was so large and was considered a big contributor to the school. I personally could not see any special treatment at the time, but my wife (who went to school there as well) says we really did. None the less, there was very little any of us could hide at this school, except from the teachers that is.

Sadly, several of my friends suffered from the struggles of the teen years, and due to strict policies, were expelled from the school. Some for drugs and others for having sex. I watched all this happen and stored it in my heart.

As I hit the age of 16, I was really coming into my own on the basketball court. My coach (may he rest in peace) was very patient with me as we grew together. I became a leader on the team, both vocally and in stats. Our team had played together since I was in 7th grade and we were very good together. No one was a “superstar,” but our teamwork was fun to watch! We eventually won 3 state championships together and placed in the top 8 nationally in our ACE tournaments. However, I also had something else going on in secret as well.

I had given my heart to a young girl in school. She reminded me so much of my mom and she was very aggressive in her nature. When I started driving, we started dating. It wasn’t long before we were also having sex. I remember the excitement of the moment that was always followed by the fear of getting caught. Everything I had was based on being a leader in our school and playing basketball. I was not just a sports leader, I was also considered a spiritual leader for the younger students in our school. If I got caught having sex, I knew it would mean immediate expulsion. I had seen what that did to other kids and their families, and I did not want to endure that. However, like most teenage boys, I did not always think with my brain when I should have. This pattern continued throughout high school and some how, we were able to keep it a secret, at least from the parents and teachers.

I graduated and slid right on out into the world. I was really tired of living a life of sin, and that eventually led to the breakup with my girlfriend. No one knew anything, that is, until she came home from college. She had gotten into some trouble at her school, and when she arrived home with hopes of patching things up the truth came out. She told a few people and that led to a big “bru-ha-ha” at out church. One thing led to another, and we found ourselves in a meeting with our parents and the pastor of the church.

My ex-girlfriend had accused me of sexual misconduct during our time together, and I was not going to stand for it. I knew I could not be kicked out of school, which was a relief, but there was still the shame of facing the facts. I had a reputation to uphold and on top of that, I had been preaching since I was 14. I had to fight to maintain any level of respect I might still have.

Both her parents and mine endured the following weeks with much shame and patience.

We each had to “confess” our sin to the church and ask the entire body for forgiveness. I remember holding out on this issue as I felt that maybe the pastor was taking it all a little too far.

In the end however, I stood up and read my apology.

It wasn’t that long after that I found myself “restored” and back in a place of being used

by God in His work. I had gone to college for a year, and upon returning home, began to assist

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in the teaching of chapels at Southside Christian School. I also joined my father and brother in the family business. My dad had opened a new branch in 1987 and life was going great!

My brother had already excelled in the business, but I seemed to struggle with it. It really was not my cup of tea. I don’t like the office life at all, and as a Real Estate agent, a lot of time is spent in the office. Over time however, I got pretty good. I did not have to make much money seeing as I still lived at home and was not married and had no kids. Therefore, I would work a little and play a lot. I enjoyed working out in the gym and playing basketball all I could. I constantly heard how I needed to “grow up” and settle down, but I was not into doing either of those things.

In 1996, I was having a blast in life. Gene was already married and this became another marker I needed to conquer. I dated a few people, but nothing seemed to stick, mainly because I was in a hurry to get married. I learned the best way to run a young lady off was to talk about marriage and kids. I was still attending all the old high school basketball games, and I had my eye on a young lady. Little did I know, her little sister had her eye on me.

Katie was only 14 at the time, and I really paid her very little attention. Gene had married her oldest sister, Rachel, in 1995, and I had dated the next one in line. My eyes were on the third oldest daughter in that family, however she had no interest in me whatsoever. Whenever I would find a seat with her at the games, Katie always sat my other side. One night after a game, I received a phone call from Katie's dad.

“Ray, this thing with you and Katie just isn't gonna work!” he said calmly.

I was shocked. I mean, I talked to Katie some, but I was after the other sister, not Katie.

Looking back, I now attribute my eventual marriage to Katie to that one phone call from her dad.

It was at that moment that a small thought planted in my mind, and from that, our relationship began.

Now I was 21 at the time, and Katie was not even 15 yet. I was praying to God, asking Him to show me who was going to be my wife. One day God clearly said, “It is Katie!”

“Oh come on,” I said! “She is too young! I want a wife now!” As time went by however, it became clear that God was not joking. I finally bowed to His will and gave my entire attention to this young lady. It was not easy of course, as we spent all the first year “dating” at her parents house. The rule for the “Sharp girls” was no dating till they were 16. Finally, on Katie’s 16th birthday, we joined her brother and his wife on our first official date!

Sadly, I must admit that our flesh did not remain under the control of the Spirit during our dating years. I was still preaching and teaching, all the while covering up a life of sin. I was in misery inside, and declared many times to Katie that we were “not doing that again until we were married!” I tried to quit, but just did not seem to have the will power. I looked like the perfect Christian on the outside, but I was nothing more than a failure.

Eventually we were caught in our sin and that began a 4 month period in which her father kept us apart. I saw the same pain and agony in her parents eyes as I had seen a few years before in the eyes of my own parents. My parents had to go through it all again, except this time, I was an adult who should have known better. Katie was a minor and I could get into a ton of trouble. Thankfully, her parents did not see fit to pursue legal action, however, the church thought it their legal duty to speak to the DA’s office. I remember being outraged at this! Once

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again the church, and the pastor I thought was taking it all too far. It was neither their place nor their right to do something like this.

One would have to understand the background of that church and the system to fully comprehend the situation. I will sum it up in a one word, “legalism.” I do not want to be judgmental, but you see, our faith was preached to be based off of grace when in practical applications, it was the word of the law that reigned. For every sin the church felt obligated to react with discipline. The school was the same way. If you got too many demerits, then you had to serve the time. I know the system was aimed at preparing you for the real world, but the problem was that it clouded the picture of God. It was not the pastor or the teachers, but rather the system itself that was the issue. It taught me that if I committed too many wrongs that I would have to pay a price. It also taught me that if I did right that I would be blessed for my efforts. The words being preached did not necessarily say this, but actions always speak louder than words.

Long story short, Katie and I were restored and married on April 8th, 2000. It was a joyous day in my life. Katie was more than I could ever have dreamed of in a wife. We fought like most couples, but our time together has been blessed. In 2003, we were given our first child to raise, Hailey Marie Carman. Most people refer to her as a “Little Ray” as she is just like me in looks and personality! In September 2004, 19 months after Hailey was born, we were blessed with Raygan Elizabeth Carman. This time the tables were turned and we were given a “Little Katie” in every way imaginable. As mentioned earlier, we lost a son due to premature birth in 2007, Rylan Truett Carman. However, God has given us great hope in that we will see him again one day. And finally, we were blessed with our son, Truett McGraw Carman on December 28th, 2010.

So, that pretty much brings you up to speed on what all happened prior to my encounter with God on 9-11-2009 and my deliverance on 7/15/2010. I hope you can see that I was raised in the perfect setting to be a “Model Christian.” I have deep Southern Baptist roots and spent much of my teen years reading books by Martin Luther, John Calvin, St Augustine, RC Sproul and other conservative authors. Dad took us around to Bible conferences every year, and I heard the best of the best teach God's Word. I memorized Scripture and I was raised with the KJV that some consider to be the “only” worthy translation. Through the school and our family discipline, I knew all the rights and wrongs of the Christian life! I was a leader, a teacher, a role model, and a preacher. If you had questions on how to be a good Christian, I probably had the answers. I did not listen to “secular music” and I avoided most sins. The one I did struggle with I simply considered a “common problem” for most teens and young adults. Therefore, I considered myself to be what God intended for all good little Christians to be.

When Katie and I did make it to the Kendall’s class room, no one really knew us, so our background was “safe.” Katie and I had really grown and I was living the “model Christian life.” I looked exactly like the picture of the “Super Christian” I had been taught! I had a few blips on my record, but they were being “made up for” through my current Christian walk. I had grown successful in my business, and now was holding a place of prominence in the church. I mean, I had it all. A gorgeous wife! Beautiful kids! The respect of my peers! Respect in the church! I was strong in the faith! A leader among my peers! Yep, I was living the “good life!”

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That is when God stepped in and began to deal with some deep issues in my heart.

Everything was going perfect until I began to question some of the “money decisions” of the church I was attending. Craig was giving me some books to read, and I suddenly found myself at a crossroads. I could not stand what I was seeing, yet, I was afraid of leaving it all behind. At first, my aim and goal was to “fix it!” Isn’t that every man's tendency? We see something broke, then try to make it right! I set out to fix the system by changing the minds of the leaders. After all, they loved Jesus and wanted to follow Him. If I could only convince them they were headed down the wrong path, they surely would change course, right?

After banging my head on that wall for over a year, I finally heard the call of God to “leave the church!” Not leave his body of believers, but rather, leave behind the system it had become. My choice was met with mixed reviews. On the one hand, there were all the those who had proceeded me in leaving behind “Sunday Services” who cheered me on through blogs and emails. There were also the people left behind who condemned the move as “not biblical,” often quoting Hebrews 10:25 as a rule I was breaking. There were also those who simply did not understand what was going on. In the end though, I was certain God was calling me out.

The first year “outside the walls” was very hard. Katie did not initially join me and that made life at home complicated. She would get up on Sundays, get the kids ready, and go to church feeling like a single mom. She gave me space to follow God, but she was also frustrated.

Much of her frustration was focused on Craig because “he was the one who started all these questions in my mind,.” Needless to say, Katie was not a big fan of Craig any longer. Our struggles really tested my resolve to follow God into these unfamiliar waters. By God’s grace, we somehow made it through.

Katie eventually decided that whatever we were going to do, “we were going to do as a family.” We begin to enjoy peaceful Sundays at home, often inviting people over for meals. I cannot explain how refreshing it was for us to be together in our walk. I was reading and studying the person of Jesus, and we begin to gel as a family.

It was also during this time that I had struck out on my own in the business world. I had left our family company over money and control issues. I was just like my dad, and I did not like having a “boss” who restricted my work. Those “bosses” just happen to be my two aunts and one uncle at the time. The simultaneous fractions from church and family really took its toll. Not only did we lose the constant fellowship of our family in Christ, we also were somewhat estranged from my family with whom I had been very close. As mentioned, I stayed close to my dad and brother, but we were estranged from most everyone else. We attended the family meals at first, but eventually skipped those as we felt as if we were treated like “outsiders.”

When Craig left TN in 2007, I turned to God and said, “What the heck are you doing?” I mean, everything in my life that I held dear seemed to be stripped away. I was pursuing His calling to stare at Jesus, and I was seeing things like never before. God was opening my eyes to the wonders of His glory and the beauty of His Son, but He was also ripping my personal life apart. I made great money, but money cannot replace family and fellowship. I would often consider going back to church simply for fellowship, but God would never release me to do that.

He did begin to open some doors for me to meet with some guys one on one as Craig and I had been doing before he moved. This helped me quite a bit, but it did little for our family as a whole.

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Eventually, the family ties returned enough that we were able to be cordial. I was glad about that, as my family means a lot to me and I wanted my kids to enjoy what I had enjoyed growing up. Katie’s parents are awesome, and they never really dove into why we were on this journey.

With Craig gone, I really had very few people to walk with. I met Jason Duncan in 2008 and we formed a friendship. He was a former pastor who had been called out of organized religion about the same time I was, and he had started a house fellowship known as “The Way Network.” He would often invite us to some of the house gathering, but I never felt God releasing us to go. For the most part, Katie and I were on this journey alone, and at times it was overwhelming.

As I began my journey, I had Craig set up a blog at RazorRaysWorld.com. At first I was unrelenting in my anger toward the “evils” of the system. I would flesh out my concerns and vent my frustrations. Looking back, I am sure it did very little good other than to rid me of these emotions. God begin to really work on me as I was seeking His Son and pursuing the concept of becoming a “Little Jesus.” I saw so many people with their systems and ways, each one believing they were the “right way.” However, God clearly showed me one day that it did not matter if you were in a “mega church,” a small church, or even a house church. It did not matter if you were like me and in no church at all! He was doing His work of redemption through all of those means, using the “foolishness of preaching” to save the souls of men. Some men preached with their lips from their stages or pulpits while others did it from their couches or just in simple everyday actions. Seeing that truth was really freeing of a bitterness that had been growing in my heart toward the leaders of these systems and their misguidance of God’s people. I begin to see it was not the leaders themselves, but rather the system that was the problem. The leaders were only doing what they had been trained to do.

Also, God boiled everything down to a very simple truth for how to live the life He had redeemed us to. It was all wrapped up in this one question, “Are you listening to the Holy Spirit and are you obeying Him?” I remember the day this really took hold in my heart! It was so freeing! I told everyone I could about this “simple truth” and how it had changed my life. It was no longer about whether or not I was “doing this” or “doing that.” It was simply one thing, “Listen to the Holy Spirit and obey His voice daily!”

But how was I to hear His voice? I had never been taught how to do this other than reading the Bible and praying. I had “heard him” speak to me about Diane, a homeless lady in downtown Nashville that we “adopted.” He also spoke to me about mowing my next door neighbors yard despite the fact he was a homosexual. (Ps. this one really freaked me out as I did not want to be seen as potentially interested by being nice. I was raised despising homosexuals. Sure I was told to hate the sin and love the sinner, but from what I had seen, and being raised as a country boy, homosexuals were considered lower than dogs. However, God chose to use this to give me a great new understanding of Himself.) I was having some “conversations with God” and also digging deep into His Word. I had come to a place that I was literally refusing to move without the Holy Spirit guiding me. I won’t lie, it was both awesome and extremely hard. Awesome in the sense that every move we would make seemed to be His perfect plan for us. Hard because there was so much of me in the way.

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Eventually, God began to call me to my knees in prayer. As I mentioned earlier, this was just one place I refused to go. God had also started to speak to me in dreams and visions. I did not really get that at first as it was all new to me, but slowly He let me understand what He was doing as I studied about Joseph (the earthly father of Jesus) and how he obeyed God in a dream three times in the first two chapters of Matthew. The last dream God gave me was one of intimacy, but the dream always stopped short of “fulfillment.” Each time fulfillment would come close, I would stop because of fear.

When I awoke from this dream, I knew immediately that there was more to this than just a dream. I shared it with Katie and asked God to explain it to me. It was at this time that He spoke to me of His desire to have a more intimate relationship with me, but I was afraid. This is where I was at in life when I went to CO. After all the events that took place, I now understand that closer communion is the heart of God for His people, especially those of us in America. However, we have settled in to our comfortable systems and services and we are unavailable to really experience true intimacy with God. He is calling us to go deeper, but we are afraid. Our fears are that we will lose the life of the “American Dream” that we now enjoy. We have become “fat” with our sermons and songs and this has made us comfortable and complacent.

As you can see from my story, God is a very jealous God, and He will not leave His chosen people in a place filled with muck and mire forever. The Bible and history of mankind are riddled with stories of this very same thing happening over and over! Each time God grows tired of our bondage and He will use whatever means necessary to set us free.

Once I returned home from Colorado, God told me plain as day, “You must know Me through Job or you will not know Me at all.” I was praying for God Himself to fill the voids of darkness that had left behind by the broken demons within. When I heard Him say this, it took very little to convince me to grab a Bible and read the story of Job. I knew the story of Job like the back of my hand, but as I read, I was totally amazed by what I saw!

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Job 1

You know, I have read Job and heard his story a hundred times. We all know Job and how he suffered at the hands of Satan. His story is one of infamy in Christendom! A man who had it all, loses everything, and yet still maintains his integrity before God in spite of a wife who encouraged him to curse God and die. I picked up my Bible to read thinking, “What can I possibly learn from Job that I do not already know?” Remember though, God had told me I had to see “Him” in Job not just the story about Job. So I begin to read.

It took only one minute for me to find myself completely shocked! I was reading the NIV translation and verse 6 grabbed my attention!

6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them.

All my life I had been raised with the impression that no evil could exist in the mere presence of God! This is why I was struggling so much with a demon being in me, someone who had given his life to God and was a “Christian.” I had always pictured anyone with sin/evil literally being consumed by fire if he came before God, melting like the “wicked witch of the west” from the Wizard of Oz. Here I saw angels (also translated “Sons of God”) coming to present themselves (or also translated “make a report”) before God, and Satan comes in with them.

This really set me back in my chair as I began to think about what Craig had said about demons and the Holy Spirit being co-inhabitants of a fleshly body. I always thought this would have been impossible due to my prior statement of belief of evil and God not existing in the same space, but here we see the ultimate of evil, Satan himself, standing before God. Let me take a quick moment to share a little about the Hebrew word translated “Satan” here. I don’t know any of the original language, and this is simply from the foot notes in a Bible.

The Hebrew word here literally means “adversary or accuser. One who opposes or stands against. An opponent or enemy.”

Thus, here we see the very “enemy” of God coming in to “present himself” before God. This is such an amazing picture here and there are so many lessons we can gather from this, but we will save them for later. The main thing to see is that our understanding of evil not being able to exist in the presence of God is wrong. If our belief is right, then the story of Job needs to be ripped from the pages of the Bible.

Now we all know what happens next, right? Satan asked to test Job and God allowed that to happen. WRONG! When I read verses 7-12, I again had a new revelation. Read these verses: 7 The LORD said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the LORD, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”

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8 Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

9 “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. 10 “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. 11 But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

12 The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD. (NIV) I took a little straw pole on this issue and starting asking people this question. “Who started the conversation about Job in the Bible. God or Satan?” Over 90% of the people I asked answered incorrectly by saying “Satan.” A simple look at this passage reveals that God is the one who opened up the entire conversation. He looks over at Satan who has come in along with the other “sons of God,” and ask him “Where have you come from?”

We could debate all day on whether or not God “knew” where Satan was as He is “all knowing,” but that would be a waste of time. What we are to see here is a simple question with a simple answer. God asked Satan where he come from and Satan replied, “From doing my job!”

I know that is not what the text says word for word, but let me share with you how God explained this to me. When I read this verse, I immediately was reminded of the verse in I Peter 5:8 in which Peter described Satan as follows: “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

(NASB). From this verse we can look at Job’s story and see that Satan was “roaming about the earth” and he was looking for someone to devour or destroy.

Now with that understanding, look at Job 1:8. Satan has just told us he is looking for someone to devour and here is what the LORD says, “Have you considered my servant Job?” STOP THE PRESS! Did God just do what I think He did? Satan said he was looking for someone to destroy and God just offered Job up on a silver platter! It is like he just threw Job out like a hunk of meat into the lion’s den to be chewed up and spit out.

I have to admit this completely took me off guard. I may have heard this passage taught on, but somehow it never really sunk in to the depths of my soul. Here I was, thinking I had the story of Job all figured out, and 8 verses in I am already knocked off my horse.

God wasn’t finished speaking yet. He also went on to call Job “blameless and upright,” confirming the description we were given of Job in the first few verses. Job was a well known and well liked individual in his part of the world. He had great wealth and was considered by his people to be “blameless and upright.” Here we have God saying these words about him as well.

But just so we are clear, Job was just a man like any other man. He himself even admits to faults later on in the book, referring to the “sins of his youth.” So, don’t make the same mistake I did and think Job was better than any other man. He was just a human like you and I! However, he was living a life of purity and righteousness and God declared him to be pure and upright.

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Satan followed up God's description and offer of Job by accusing God of offering him an “untouchable” target. He says Job only trusted in God because of “the hedge of protection” that God had placed around him. With the smoothness of butter, Satan begins to attack God, accusing Him of setting Job up as a rich man and one who had no reason not to “trust in God.” In verse 11, I got my next “WOW” moment when I read these words by Satan, “But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

Whose hand did Satan mentioned being “stretched out” against Job? He told God to strike “His hand” against Job and if He would, Satan was certain that Job would curse God. From the text, it appears God bit on the lure! Look at verse 12: 12: The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

Quick note on Satan It is VERY important that we understand what is happening here. Satan has been revealed as nothing more than a “servant of God” in this passage. We are told that he has to “present himself” along with the other angels, apparently on a regular basis. We know from Scripture that Satan was the highest angel or head cherub (Ezekiel 28) before he was cast out from heaven. It would appear from reading Revelation 12 and 20, and Ezekiel 28, that he was actually sent as God's head angel over the earth and its population. We know from Matthew's rendition of Jesus’ time in the desert, that Satan was given this world to rule, but he wanted more. He wanted God’s very throne! Therefore, he attacked heaven with his fallen angels (now demons), only to be cast out and locked away in his prison (earth) until the final battle (Revelation 20:7-10.) Even though he rebelled against God, it is clear from this passage in Job that he is still under God’s rule and authority.

Personally, I have seen a clearer of Satan since my deliverance and since my study of Job. Have you ever seen a lion locked up in a zoo? If so, then you know he is much different than a lion in the wild. A wild lion roams the plains looking for his next meal, while the lion in the zoo is regulated to eating only what the keeper of the zoo feeds him. The caged lion still walks back and forth in his enclosure, seeking the thrill of the hunt, but he is destined to only have the meat that he is given.

We must not underestimate our enemy, but we also need to see him for what he really is. He is nothing more than a servant of God who can ONLY do what God commands or allows him to do. In the case of Job, Satan admits that Job is “untouchable” unless God Himself releases Job from His protective care.

We are not mock or laugh at our enemy, as he is not to be trifled with. However, we are not be afraid of him, for he truly is nothing more than a defeated lion in a zoo who is only allowed to “devour” the child of God who God “turns over” to him.

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Back to Job. We need to really understand what is being said in verse 12. Picture in your mind this entire conversation between God and Satan. Satan is “hungry” to devour and God offers him a “bone” in the person of Job. Satan admits his inability to touch this bone as it is currently under God’s “hedge of protection.” Satan then attempts to lure God into a trap in order to prove himself more powerful and wise than God. Remember, Satan lives on earth among us and he believes he knows us better than God does. So, Satan “tempts” God to strike His very own hand against Job, and God responds by saying, “Okay!”

You may think I have misquoted Scripture here, but lets look at the verse 12.

“The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

Satan wants God to strike his hand out at Job, and God does so by “turning over” everything Job has to the power of Satan. You see, Satan was correct in his earlier statement that Job was “untouchable” because everything Job had was presently “in the hands of God.” God’s “okay” came when He turned over Job's things to Satan to do with as he pleased.

However, at this time, God did not turn over Job himself. His body, soul, and spirit were kept free from the “devouring” Satan was about to deploy.

The truth we must gather from this is that God holds His chosen people in His hands and our enemy, Satan, is real. However, God is “not afraid” to let His children be “chewed on” by Satan, because He knows that we need these times of suffering in order to be perfected. Satan is simply God’s Sargent Major on His Barrack Square of Grace (my dad used to always say this phrase), meaning Satan is a tool under God’s authority to bring about God's ultimate goal in us!

Which is to make us look like a “Little Jesus!” We must never forget that!

What follows next is the most horrific story I could ever imagine. Job is at home probably enjoying a glass of lemonade and his children are off feasting again. Job is preparing the “just in case” sacrifice for their cleansing as was his customary habit (Job 1:5). Suddenly, one of Job’s servants comes busting through the door to inform Job that all of his oxen and donkeys had been stolen by the Sabeans and every servant watching them had been slaughtered except for him. Before he is finished, another servant runs in to deliver the news that a “fire from heaven” had burnt up all Job’s sheep and the shepherds! This servant hasn't finished before the next guy comes bursting in telling Job the Chaldeans had made off with all his camels and slain all the servants he had watching over them.

Now, that is enough to make ones stomach get all knotted up. Imagine going from richest in the land to being the poorest man there was. However, one last servant comes flying in to deliver the devastating news that a “strong wind” (or a tornado) had blown through and struck the house Job's kids were in, crushing them all. None had survived!

In an instant, Job went from having everything a man could dream of to having NOTHING! All that was left was his wife, his house, and four servants who had delivered the news of Job's worst nightmare becoming reality.

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Picture the setting we have here in these verses! Your looking at a man who has just endured the worst minute in the history of mankind! He is staring blankly ahead trying to comprehend all he has just heard. I imagine his reaction to the first bit of news would have been shock, but oxen, donkeys, and even servants are replaceable. When he hears of his sheep being consumed by a “fire from heaven” he is confused and dazed, but still standing. He could recover from that as well. When the third guy mentions the camels, he starts to get a little weak in the knees as he realizes he has basically lost all his wealth in an instant. But on hearing the last news flash, Job is overwhelmed! His perfect life has been completely decimated in the matter of seconds! This is no doubt the worst day any man has had to endure in the entire history of mankind! I cannot imagine a greater pain than losing the children that God has blessed me with here on earth. There is truly no greater pain that I have had to endure than when Katie and I lost our son in 2007. Multiply that pain 100 and that is where we find Job. Job was not spared the pain that any father dreads the most. All that he owned had been delivered by God into the hands of Satan, and Satan had just pulled off the biggest plot of destruction ever displayed. This “blameless and upright man” was not only hurt, he had been destroyed in his inner most being! After soaking it all in, look at Job's reaction: At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” (Job 1:20-21) Look intently at the wording of these verses. Job “tore his robe,” which is an act of anguish and extreme pain. He “shaved his head” to symbolize his worthlessness, shame, and sorrow. Then he fell to the ground in complete and utter weakness. Don’t just breeze past these words as they are intense and very important. They show us the humanity of Job as well as the enormity of the situation.

Job was completely shattered! His life and his very being had been snuffed out in an instant. The loss of wealth is one thing, but the loss of his kids was too much to bear. He displayed his sorrow and grief by ripping his shirt/robe as he wept bitter tears. He shaved his head allowing his pride to fall to the ground with his hair. As his knees buckled from the torment inside, he fell down and cried out through bitter tears, “Everything belongs to God. I came in with nothing and now I will leave nothing.” Then he said those famous words we hear so often when we are seeking comfort in difficult times: “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away, may his name be praised.”

We must see the posture of Job when he said these words. He was face down in the dust weeping over the loss of his wonderful life and his beautiful kids. He wasn’t singing songs of praise or lifting his hands to the sky in adoration of God. Rather, He was shattered and broken, a man full of grief! Job grieved and mourned before he uttered a word. He searched his heart for what he knew to be true before he opened his mouth. Then, and only then, did he release his emotions, uttering a words that would not dishonor God! Job was a righteous man and he did not want to curse God in any way.

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Job knew that he was only a man, and he knew there was more to life than what he could see.

He was aware of God and the fact that God had an adversary. Job also knew the truth that God really was the owner of all things and that all he had belonged to God. That is the only reason he was able to say as he cried and mourned, that God had given him everything and GOD had taken it away. He understood all he had was in God’s hands and the only way it could ever be taken away was if God gave it away.

The last verse of chapter 1 I feel is one that is often overlooked or scanned over too fast.

It has only a few words, but they are VERY important:

“In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” (Job 1:22) We must see what is being said here. Many translations use the words “Job did not blame God” (NASB) while others say “Job did not charge God with wrong.”(ESV) If we are not careful, we can get sucked into a misunderstanding of what this last verse says. We MUST look at it in the context of everything else being said.

Job clearly says God is the one who took everything away, and if we read the entirety of Job, one can understand that Job understood that all things were in God's hands. Job saw God as completely sovereign and the Ultimate Ruler of the universe. Therefore, when he said God was the one who “took” everything he had away, Job was speaking correctly. Therefore, if everything belonged to God in the first place, then it was completely up to God to take away Job's possessions without God committing any wrong. Using the word “blame” really does not correctly represent the true meaning of the text, at least not in our understanding of that word.

The word “blame” has several different meanings in our culture. The most popular definition is “Being the cause or source of something.” If we just use this definition for this verse in Job, then it would completely contradict the fact that Job had just “blamed” (accused of causing the situation) God for taking everything away. However, if we understand the word blame to mean, “The state of being responsible for a fault or error,” then it would be true that Job did not “blame” God for being at fault or committing an error.

All that to say, Job did say God was the “person or individual” responsible for taking away his possessions and children, however, because Job believed God to be the owner of all things created, then Job did not say God was wrong for doing what He did. That is why it says, “Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing” or “by charging God with wrong.” Job was fully aware that God had the right to do whatever He pleased with everything that Job was in possession of, but as we later see, Job did not necessarily “like” or understand why God did what He did.

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Job 2

1 On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the LORD said to Satan, “Where have you come from?”

At first glance, chapter 2 seems to be the “same song, second verse.” We see the same gathering of the angels, or “Sons of God,” before the LORD and Satan was there as well. The only difference is the use of the words that Satan “came in with them to present himself before him.” This is simply to clarify what we discussed from the first chapter, that Satan is under the FULL authority and power of God. It appears that this “presenting of himself” is a common occurrence that takes place. Satan is not some “free agent” here on earth doing as he pleases, but rather, he is an instrument or tool who is used by God to bring about His plans.

God again ask Satan, or the Accuser, “Where have you come from?” Satan replied with the exact same words as before. He was out looking for someone to destroy or devour.

Not long ago, as I was discussing this verse with a dear friend of mine, he pointed out something of note in the correlating verse in Peter. In the KJV and NKJV, there is a tiny word that represents a huge key to understanding our enemy. It is the word, “May!” It says that he is roaming about “seeking whom he MAY devour.” Andrew made a great point in saying that he is looking for someone he is “allowed” or “permitted” to devour. This thought is completely in line with how Satan is portrayed in Job. So Satan is out looking for another soul to twist and maim, and God repeats his offer from chapter 1. “Have you considered my servant Job?” Now I am feeling sorry for Job. The guy has just lost everything and his heart has been shredded at the news that he had lost all his children in one single blow. The guy has had enough pain and torment, but here God is asking Satan if he would like to mess with Job again.

The next few words in verse 3 are very important. God again affirms Job as a “blameless and upright” person saying “there is no one on earth like him.” Job was a man who “feared God and shunned evil.” The next part of this verse is what is so amazing when speaking about this story of Job. God said, “And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”

I imagine Satan was somewhat downcast in his attitude this particular day in God’s court. I am not so sure as to how much time had passed between the end of chapter 1 and this scene, but Satan had to be disappointed. He had “brought the rain of pain” onto Job, and Job did not respond as Satan assumed he would. Satan had failed in his attempt to prove to God that these “fleshlings” were easily swayed from their allegiance to God. Instead, Job’s reverence for God grew through this overwhelming “trial of fire.” God affirmed that Job’s “integrity” had remained in tact and that his servant was still faithful.

But what do we make of the words, “though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.” The NKJV says “to destroy him without a cause.”

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Do you see what God is saying here? God has just admitted that He is the one who brought this suffering upon Job. Sure, Satan did the handy work, but God had everything of Job’s in His hand and He was the one who turned it over to Satan. Without this “turning over,” Job's possessions and children never would have been touched. He would have lived out his days in happiness and luxury. However, as we will see later in Job, God had a gift greater than happiness and luxury in store for Job. Satan, never one to admit defeat, accuses God of not allowing him to really test Job. “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.” Amazingly, Satan targeted the one and only thing God had not turned over into his hands in chapter 1. Job’s flesh and his body. To me Satan is saying, “Whatever God! All you did was let me touch his stuff. Every man would happily give up his wealth and family as long as he can be healthy.” Satan again tempts God to “strike” the His hand against Job and he would “surely curse” God to His face.

Interestingly enough, it appears as if God “takes the bait” again and gives in to Satan’s jesting. It says that God gives Job over into Satan’s hands to do with as he pleases, EXCEPT, he cannot kill him. “Do your worst work Satan just don’t let him die! But rather, he is to live and endure whatever suffering you bring upon him.”

Here again we see the amazing wonder of God and His power. This verse, along with Job 1:12, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all things are in the hands of God and NOTHING can touch them unless He turns over those things into the hands of another. People ask, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Because God chose to “turn them over” as part of His master plan. We may not like this reality, but it is the truth.

It may appear on the outside that we are witnessing a “game of chess” between two master minds, each with their own master plan in mind. The truth however is, only One is the Master, and the other is nothing more than a tool by which the Master brings about His ultimate goal. These words are extremely important in understanding our God and the things that are brought into our lives. It was through this knowledge that I began to understand that even my story had been perfectly planned out by God (Psalm 139). Even my “giving over” to the Enemy’s hand was to bring about His greater purposes. Without this understanding that God was the one who delivered me over to the hands of Satan, I would be drowning in utter despair and darkness.

As we move forward, we will see that the reaction of Job, and myself, was not always “Christian” as we consider it to be. However, it was real, and realness is what God is searching for and demands from us! He is not interested in our righteousness and piety if it is outside of a real and personal relationship with Him. God has given Job over to Satan to do with as he pleases, but God has yet again withheld something in His own power and control. Job’s life! In the first chapter, Satan had free reign with all of Job’s possessions, including his family. Here he has “asked for” Job himself and God has given Job over to him. All except his very life! Satan could not kill Job as that right God retained in His own hands!

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From verse 7, we see that Satan wasted no time in executing his plans of misery and pain. It says that he left God and went straight to work on Job, inflicting him with sores of excruciating pain! There was not any part of Job that was left untouched. From this verse, it would appear that all this followed very soon after the loss of his wealth and children. His head appears to be exposed from being shaved. The soles of his feet are tormented, making walking or moving around almost impossible. In an effort to relieve some of the pain, Job marred his own flesh by scraping the sores with a broken piece of pottery.

Can you imagine?The pain levels had to be off the charts for a man to take a piece of hardened clay and cut himself in order to seek relief from his pain. It was staggering what all Job was enduring. I know as I wrestled with God through my life and recent ordeal, oft times I wanted to lash out at Him and force His hands upon me. Some days, as this day in Job’s life, it “feels” like it would just be better to die than to live. Even Job’s wife came out and encouraged him to “Curse God and die!”

I feel obligated to speak a moment regarding Job’s wife. I have always listened to her being described as an evil and horrible nag. A woman who seemed to care little for Job or anyone else. She was portrayed as some “evil monster” that Job had to suffer through. Have we ever really stopped though and considered this woman in the light of all that was going on?

Job is not the only one who had suffered during this time. I know only the heart of a father and husband, but I have watched with much intrigue the heart of a mother and wife through my mom and my wife. It does not take much to see that this woman is in a great deal of pain herself. She has gone from riches to rags along with Job, yet, she is still there. She too has endured the devastating news that all her precious babies have perished. The same ones she had given birth to, nursed, and rocked to sleep. The same babies she watched take their first steps and lose their first tooth. She had nurtured them and cared for them even beyond their days in her house. She is a hurting mother and a wife who is watching the man she loves suffer a pain beyond imagination. She sees that death would be a relief for him so she offers him a way out of it all. She knew if Job would curse God, his pain would be over. Was she mad? I am sure she was. Was she hurting? Absolutely! I don't claim that how I have portrayed her is the “correct way,” however, I do believe maybe it should be considered.

So Job's wife offers a way out, but Job never loses his sense of moral guidance and integrity. In verse 10 Job said these words, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”

Now there is much to be learned from what Job has spoken. First, his response to his wife reveals a man who has placed his God over all things, even his own comfort. Job valued his integrity in his relationship to God over the comfort death would bring him. She knew about God, and she knew enough to know that if Job would just curse God, his pain would be over.

The word “foolish” can also be understood as “one with a moral deficiency,” or someone without the true knowledge of God. She had given in to her pain and was looking for the easiest route out, even if that meant cursing God. Job simply reminds her that God is his most valued treasure and that he did not want to give that up for the mere comforts that death would bring.

That is why he told her to “not be foolish!”

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When Job said, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” he was displaying an amazing understanding of God’s sovereignty. Also, Job makes another bold statement here, saying that the “trouble” had come from God. You would think he would attribute this trouble to Satan himself, but Job knew better as we saw earlier!

Recently I have had some discussions with some people regarding this very point in Job. I was amazed to learn that there was a current study of Job going on in many circles. This particular study actually took the time to “handle” this seeming issue Job had of attributing to God of this trouble in his life. Their take on it was that Job did not have any understanding of Satan or an enemy, therefore, God was the only one he was aware of existing.

Whew! That is such a relief! I mean, that explains everything and makes me feel a lot better about this whole situation. After all, who would want a God that would do such a thing to a man He called “blameless and upright?” Yes, this whole idea that Job was unaware of any other “beings” is comforting. The problem is that it is DEAD WRONG, which is proven as one continues to read through Job! (4:18, 15:15) Again, Job has laid all his troubles at the feet of God, claiming it is all from God. He has regulated himself to the correct position of a man who is completely at the mercy of this Almighty Being! Because of this, it is said that “In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.” Job did not make a mistake when he said God brought both good and trouble upon him. There was no error found in his words, and his judge was God himself.

However, the fun is just beginning as Job’s three friends arrive. These devoted men, trusted friends of Job, arrive on the scene. We are told that the things they see cause them to weep and mourn. Their dear friend sits in ashes and dust, mangled and torn! It is so bad that they can “barely recognize him.” Job had been disfigured through all he was suffering and these men lost control of their emotions on behalf of their dear friend. The story says it was so intense, that they spent the first seven days sitting in silence because “they saw how great his suffering was.”

As I consider this situation Job was in, how he reacted, and how his friends mourned, I cannot help but wonder how God must have felt. I have always seen God as one “set apart” from the emotions of our lives, but that just does not add up to the truth that we “were created in His image.” God must have hurt as he watched his precious Job suffer such pain and agony, much like He felt when he watched His only Begotten Son endure torture at the hands of the enemy. God, like any father, surely wanted to rush in and come to the aid of his child, however, He knew there was something greater at stake! Therefore, He sat and watched knowing His ultimate goal would finally be realized.

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Job 3

After the seven days of silence, Job was the first to speak. He opened his mouth in sorrow, the cry of a broken man. He cursed the day of his own birth, a curse Jeremiah later repeated as he bore punishment for his obedience to God. (Jeremiah 20) Job cried out as a man torn and ready to die. In fact, this whole chapter is the cry of a man who is wishing he had never been born. Here are a few excerpts of Job’s lament: (all from NIV) “May the day of my birth perish!”

“That night—may thick darkness seize it; may it not be included among the days of the year nor be entered in any of the months.”

“May those who curse days curse that day” “May its morning stars become dark; may it wait for daylight in vain and not see the first rays of dawn, for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me to hide trouble from my eyes.”

These words are one Job used to describe or curse the day of his birth. They are found in the first 10 verses of the third chapter. Verses 11-23 are all questions Job asked regarding his birth and his reason or purpose to be allowed to live. Listen: 11 “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?

12 Why were there knees to receive me and breasts that I might be nursed?

13 For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest 14 with kings and rulers of the earth, who built for themselves places now lying in ruins, 15 with princes who had gold, who filled their houses with silver.

16 Or why was I not hidden away in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day?

17 There the wicked cease from turmoil, and there the weary are at rest.

18 Captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout.

19 The small and the great are there, and the slaves are freed from their owners.

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20 “Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, 21 to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, 22 who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave?

23 Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?

I am thousands of years away from Job and his story, but I can’t read these words without being gripped with emotions. Down through time, these words still carry such heavy weight, especially to one who has found himself crying them out. How often I have joined Job in this very desire, wishing I were either dead or had never been born. My circumstances were not those of Job’s, but I often found myself lost and confused wondering why I had ever been given breath. I know what it is like to enter into the place of utter despair from which Job is crying out.

Then there have also been the times where the reality of the life of millions of children dying of starvation and simple diseases has hurt me. Why would God not be merciful and stop these tragedies before they started? Would it not be easier for these souls to never experience life than to suffer the fate of a life destined to end as they do? I have seen pictures that would do more than break your heart. Broken I would cry out my frustrations to God. Was He not kind?

Was He not merciful? If He was, why would these people suffer such fates and why would I have no greater purpose than to live, eat, breath, work, sleep, toil and labor, and then die. If that was all there was, then why even create us at all?

Job's reasons for questioning God are much more personal than mine had ever been.

He had known the bounty and protection of God, only to see it stripped away. In his words Job did not directly curse God, but the target of his frustrations was clear. He was not just asking random questions or making random statements. Rather, he was speaking directly to God. He was very careful with his words so as not to blaspheme God, but he was very upset. It could be summed up like this: “God, why did you do this? What is the point of it all? Why would you lift me up when you knew this day was coming? Would it not have been better to just kill me before I was born, or at least put me in the ground at birth? God, this is too much to bear for any man. I have done nothing to deserve this, yet You did it anyway. Why?” Job was not just running off at the mouth. Remember, he had 7 days of silence to think about his situation and everything that had happened. He rattled around in his mind all the possible reasons this had taken place. In the end he came back to the simple truth, “God gave and God took away an I must accept both good and trouble from Him.” Job was secure in these truths, but he wanted to know more than just the truth. He wanted to know the “why” behind it all. In verse 23, Job acknowledges that God had hedged him into this place and like any man, he wanted to know why.

The purpose for Job wanting to know is found in the last three verses in this passage;

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“24 For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water.

25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.

26 I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”

Here is the reasoning behind Job's lashing out at God and his quest for answers. His food and water had become nothing more than groans and sighing. His greatest fears had just befallen upon him and there is power in this statement! All of his peace and rest were now gone!

His reputation and renown had been taken all in one moment. His understanding of God had been shattered and his servants, livestock, and his children had paid the price. Like any broken father of a lost child he wandered, “Why not just take me? Why not let them live out there lives in peace and joy as I have enjoyed? Why did you leave me to bear this pain? I would have happily given my life away if that is what you were after God! Why take my kids?”

Before I move on further, I would like to take a moment to look at these words in verse 25. Job says his “greatest fears and his worst dreads” have come upon him. In essence, he has suffered his worst nightmare. Do we for a second not think that Satan knew exactly what would hurt Job the most? If you are so foolish as to think this was just a random attack by Satan, then you of all men are to be most pitied.

Satan knew exactly what would hit Job the hardest and he attacked those fears head on.

He is the master of fears and deceptions! If you are so fortunate as to be chosen by God to be tested by Satan, then you can be sure he will attack you in your most vulnerable place as well.

The key to keeping your integrity in this attack, should you be chosen for such a blessing, is to be completely surrendered into God’s hands. Job had placed all things in God's hands as evidenced by his acknowledgment that God had both given and taken away. It is also evidenced by the fact that Job, although tortured and torn, did not sin in his words when he spoke. Rather, his words were found to be true and steady, and they were accepted by God as “right.”

Another powerful statement made in all this is if a man understands who he really is, a mere piece of pottery in the hands of God, then if Satan is allowed to have his way with you and your things, then even your worst fears cannot uproot you from your place in God. Romans 8:39 starts to take on a whole new meaning as you understand that nothing can eternally separate you from God and His love. You may be enduring the worst trials and tribulations ever known to mankind “without cause” in God’s eyes, but the confidence in knowing God is the Master of your every step will hold you steady in the worst of storms. You may cry out like Job, longing for death and it’s “sweet relief,” however, you will know it was God who “hedged you in” and you will have boldness to approach Him with the piercing questions of “Why?” The beauty of all of this is knowing that in all Job said during this time, he did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing. If it belongs to God in the beginning, then it is His full right to do what He pleases with what is His own (Matthew 20). Job knew this, and therefore, nothing he

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said was held against him as sin. What an amazing Father who will let His children question Him and approach Him with such boldness without rebuking them!

God told us in Isaiah, “Come. let us reason together!” In Malachi He says, “Test Me!” When we are bold enough, as Job was, to come to God with our “whys” and demand a answer, it is in His answers that He begins to display His glory in us.

Now some of you may question the idea about Job being “right” and correct in his words.

I was too. That is when God showed me the ending before I could understand the beginning.

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The Ending Explains the Beginning Job 42

On my journey through Job, I was astounded by what I was reading as these three friends and Job began their discourse. We all know how it goes with these guys hammering away at Job and Job responding with his own “thunder.” If we are not careful though, we can miss what is really being said if all we do is read words to get through the story. Every word and letter has to be captured and pondered as we see how this story relates to our lives and our day and time. At least that is what God is showing me. Remember, He had told me if I wanted to really know Him, I had to know Him through the book of Job. During one conversation with Steve, he brought up the fact that God had “threatened to kill” the “three friends” at the end of Job. My curiosity was sparked by this, so I jumped to the end of the story to see where this “threat” could be found. I felt that this sounded a little out of character for God and I wanted to see it for myself. My initial reading did not render much and I was confused. Had Steve made a mistake? As I went through it a second time, God opened my eyes to these words: “42:7 And so it was, after the LORD had spoken these words to Job, that the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “My wrath is aroused against you and your two friends, for you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has. 8 Now therefore, take for yourselves seven bulls and seven rams, go to My servant Job, and offer up for yourselves a burnt offering; and My servant Job shall pray for you. For I will accept him, lest I deal with you according to your folly; because you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has.” (NKJV) God was very angry with these three men because “they had spoken incorrectly” about Him. He was so upset that He required a sacrifice on their behalf. There had to be the shedding of blood! They had to bring it to Job and have Job pray for them as they offered it up. Blood had to be shed, and God said they had to do this, “lest I deal with you according to your folly.”

Here is the threat Steve was talking about. God would either accept the blood of a sacrifice, or require them to pay their own debt with their own blood. God was giving them a choice. Either they could humble themselves and ask Job to pray for them (whom they had just spent countless time increasing his suffering through words),or God was going to take their lives as payment for their error.

Wow! That is some heavy stuff God is throwing out here. I mean, if you go back and read what these guys said, it was not like they had rambled off some “anti God” stuff. They were not opposing God in their words, but rather speaking about Him from their years of learning and knowledge. They were well educated men. Amazingly what they said about God sounded very familiar to me as if they were buried deep in my own heart. These guys were being sincere in their words and motivations, however, they had evidently been deceived! According to God, they did not have a true understanding and knowledge of Him.

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As we press forward, here is the overall point we need to understand from these verses in chapter 42, God said that these men had spoken “incorrectly about Him” and Job had spoken “correctly.” If what these men had said was seen as worthy of death by God, and what Job had spoken was in return considered “words of truth,” then I wanted to pay close attention to what was being said by each party. God was calling me into a deeper understanding of Himself through Job’s story, therefore I figured I better pay attention to both what was said “correctly” and “incorrectly” about God. What I found shocked me! It also began to reveal an amazing truth about what God was trying to say to me and through my story. The book of Job became much more than just a great story of a man and his journey with God. It began to shine light on my life and the present world in which I am living. Characters began to symbolize much more than just a person, they took on the forms of life as we know it. I was utterly blown away (and still am) as I meditated on the story of Job. Each time through God began to open up the shutters of my minds eye to let His light come in. I found myself standing in amazement, but also in a place of great sorrow and sadness. Burdens began to surface and each time, God would reveal them as the burden of His own heart for His people.

God revealed to me five main characters in the book of Job. Each represent a reality of our world today. They are: 1. “The Three” and Elihu who represent our current understanding of God. 2. Job, who represents all of God’s chosen people who are in bondage.

3. Satan as himself.

4. God as the I AM. 5. The mystery character!

None of these can be taken for granted or glanced over lightly. They all hold so much truth and it is imperative each one is looked at. I had always focused solely on the character or person of Job in this story. He was the man Satan tested and who overcame in the end. It was all about his strength and integrity. However, as I studied this book, Job was not exactly the “man” I had always thought him to be. He symbolized so much more than I had ever seen before.

I had never really given the three friends or Elihu a lot of thought, seeing as they were always preached as the “bad guys” of the story. However, their words hold much power in revealing the nature, power, and source of the religion of Christianity as we know it.

Satan was the biggest loser in this story to me as I described him in an earlier chapter.

He was shown to be a mere puppet playing the role God has orchestrated for him. However, he is also one not to be trifled with or taken lightly as we now know who His “Boss” is.

All I can say about God is that He became more real to me. I will not be able to really put Him into words, but I will share what He has put on my heart about His character, nature, love, and passion for His people.

Finally, the mystery character who I was shocked to find in Job, yet so thrilled to see!

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Again, I am just a person, telling my personal story on my journey with God. I do not claim to be an authority on Scripture or to have some special knowledge on any subject. If you decide to continue on, then you are simply reading the story of one man as God revealed himself to me. In the end, it will be up to you and the Holy Spirit to discern what He is saying to your heart. I trust that in the end that God will be glorified.

Warning to Reader!!!!!!!

Beware. If you go choose to move forward and see God for who He really is, if you really want to know God, then prepare yourself, because it does not come without a price. Job had to surrender EVERYTHING in order to obtain what he said he wanted. He had laid out his prayer to “see God” ( the prayer of every child of God both in the OT ) and he got his prayer answered!

(Job 42:5-6) So, be careful what you chase. I was praying and asking God to show me Himself in His fullness. I had NO idea what road that would take me down. I had no idea what the price would be. If I had, I honestly may not have chosen to pray such a prayer. My life was not so bad before the demons had been revealed, and the God I knew made me feel comfortable.

When God answered my prayer to “see more of Him,” he brought me into His terrifying presence and began to reveal His true nature as I moved through Job. It was both alluring and terrifying at the same time. I couldn't hardly stand to look at Him, but at the same time, couldn't take my eyes off of Him. It was mind numbing and it ripped me to my very core. I knew some of the basics about God since I had been raised in the “perfect” environment to know about Him. However, in person He is so much more!

I am not fully yet settled with all that I have seen, but I know now it is everything my heart aches for. I want Him, but there are days I can't bear the truth of what I now know.

So take heed! Seeing God in his beauty does not come cheap (Exodus 18:18-22)!

However,if you choose to move forward, I promise in the end, you will have a joy and a love that exceeds all you have ever known.

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Eliphaz Lays the Foundation for the Great Debate.

Job 4-5

1 Then Eliphaz the Temanite replied:

2 “If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? But who can keep from speaking?

3 Think how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands.

4 Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.

5 But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

6 Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope?

7 “Consider now: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Where were the upright ever destroyed?

8 As I have observed, those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it.

9 At the breath of God they perish; at the blast of his anger they are no more.

10 The lions may roar and growl, yet the teeth of the great lions are broken.

11 The lion perishes for lack of prey, and the cubs of the lioness are scattered.

12 “A word was secretly brought to me, my ears caught a whisper of it.

13 Amid disquieting dreams in the night, when deep sleep falls on people, 14 fear and trembling seized me and made all my bones shake.

15 A spirit glided past my face, and the hair on my body stood on end.

16 It stopped, but I could not tell what it was. A form stood before my eyes, and I heard a hushed voice: 17 ‘Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can even a strong man be more pure than his Maker?

18 If God places no trust in his servants, if he charges his angels with error, 19 how much more those who live in houses of clay, whose foundations are in the dust, who are crushed more readily than a moth!

20 Between dawn and dusk they are broken to pieces; unnoticed, they perish forever.

21 Are not the cords of their tent pulled up, so that they die without wisdom?’

Job 5 1 “Call if you will, but who will answer you? To which of the holy ones will you turn?

2 Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

3 I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.

4 His children are far from safety, crushed in court without a defender.

5 The hungry consume his harvest, taking it even from among thorns, and the thirsty pant after his wealth.

6 For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground.

7 Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.

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8 “But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.

9 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

10 He provides rain for the earth; he sends water on the countryside.

11 The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety.

12 He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success.

13 He catches the wise in their craftiness, and the schemes of the wily are swept away.

14 Darkness comes upon them in the daytime; at noon they grope as in the night.

15 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.

16 So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.

17 “Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.

18 For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.

19 From six calamities he will rescue you; in seven no harm will touch you.

20 In famine he will deliver you from death, and in battle from the stroke of the sword.

21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue, and need not fear when destruction comes.

22 You will laugh at destruction and famine, and need not fear the wild animals.

23 For you will have a covenant with the stones of the field, and the wild animals will be at peace with you.

24 You will know that your tent is secure; you will take stock of your property and find nothing missing.

25 You will know that your children will be many, and your descendants like the grass of the earth.

26 You will come to the grave in full vigor, like sheaves gathered in season.

27 “We have examined this, and it is true. So hear it and apply it to yourself.”

All in all, not too bad by Eliphaz. What he says sounds very reasonable. The wicked are condemned and the righteous are held up in God's hands. That sounds like a very good description of God as we know Him. God strikes justice upon the unjust and He rains blessings down on those who are pure and upright. If the upright stumble, then God whips them with His mighty hand, setting them back on the path of goodness. From Eliphaz, we can conclude that God is just and fair in His judgments and that He only punishes those who hide wickedness in their heart. If a man falters and then repents from his sins, then God will restore him unto his former position. From my understanding of God this all sounds about right.

Just to be certain I am not too far off base on Eliphaz is saying, lets take a closer look.

After Job finished his wailing about wanting to be dead, Eliphaz speaks up. His words are gentle and show a heart that is broken for his friend. He longs to see his friend restored and brought back from this place of great agony. He begins by trying to comfort Job as he had seen Job comfort others in the past. Listen to his opening statement:

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2 “If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? But who can keep from speaking?

3 Think how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands.

4 Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.

Job was no stranger to the reality of pain and suffering. He had seen it before in the life of those around him. Eliphaz's first question is an ice breaker. “If someone speaks to you, will you be open to listening?” He just wanted his friends ear and wanted him to know he cared.

From the words in verses 3-4, it is clear others had suffered loss and Job himself had been there to uplift and encourage them. When others had weak hands Job had given them his strength. When others had fallen, he picked them up. When they were faltering, he gave them wisdom on which to stand firm. Job was a great friend and many people liked him. That is why these three guys had come from their homes to help him in his time of need. They wanted to offer him what they had seen him offer to others in the past.

However, it is in the next couple of verses that we see Eliphaz true intentions behind his decision to speak. He had listened to Job's lament and had heard about Job's words about God giving and taking away. From what he had heard Job say, it was clear to him that Job did not believe he had done anything to deserve his suffering.

Job was a well educated man and he knew all about God! He was sincere in his devotion to God! He was even “extra careful,” offering sacrifices for his children “just in case they had sinned.” Job was what we might call the “Model Christian.” His current life was without blemish or spot, not withstanding some indiscretions from his youth (Job 13:23). He lived to serve and please God. He did not feel as if he deserved such treatment! Although he was reverent in his speech, this did not keep him from questioning God's justice in it all. If God had planned all this, then why even let his life begin? You see, Job saw God as the “Ultimate Ruler” that He is, but he also saw God as someone who was approachable with tough questions. The heavy questions of emotion he now had on his heart.

Eliphaz was appalled at Job's assumption of his righteousness because in God's eyes no man was righteous.. In Eliphaz's eyes, there was no way would God treat a righteous man this way. There had to be an explanation, and the explanation had to be some sin that was in Job. A just and fair God would never think of treating a righteous man this way! Therefore, Eliphaz speaks out to Job regarding his self righteous attitude: 5 But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

6 Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope?

In other words, “Hey Job, you help other people through hard times. You have helped them seek out the reasons behind their pain and work through it! Now you have a little trouble and you are discouraged. Do you think you are above being punished for evident sin in your

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life? You say you don't deserve this! You say you are blameless and upright! If that were so, shouldn't you be able to trust in your righteousness to save you?”

Eliphaz was educated regarding God and man, and he spoke out his understanding. He assumed from his education that no person who was pure in God's eyes would ever suffer something as severe as Job's situation. He believed that God would not treat any righteous man in the a manner Job was being treated. That was not the God he had come to know. This was not the God he bowed his head to and worshiped. His God would never do such a thing. There had to be a sin behind Job's problems. Therefore, when Job claimed to be innocent, Eliphaz was moved with “righteous anger” to correct his friend and defend his God. Look at what he says next: 7 “Consider now: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Where were the upright ever destroyed?

8 As I have observed, those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it.

9 At the breath of God they perish; at the blast of his anger they are no more.

10 The lions may roar and growl, yet the teeth of the great lions are broken.

11 The lion perishes for lack of prey, and the cubs of the lioness are scattered.

I want to point out a major detail here that is unwritten. Notice that Eliphaz is not taking away responsibility from God in this. He is not blaming the devil or giving Satan credit for this mayhem and destruction. In that sense, he is on target with his understanding. Eliphaz believed in a sovereign God just like Job. He just did not believe in a God who would allow a righteous man to suffer as he saw Job suffering. He did not set out to say “We have an enemy against us,” or “this is the work of the Devil.” He did not stoop so low as to claim “it's the devils fault.” On this point that God had brought this on Job, Eliphaz and Job agreed.

For some reason today we prefer to see God as some grandfather in the sky or a “big black lady in a shack” who hugs us and kisses us while baking our meals and taking care of our needs. We want Him to be the Father who protects us from all harm. So we make excuses for Him when something negative affects our lives. We either credit the devil with some slippery plan he has carried out, or we look for some deep sin in our own lives to blame it on. We want to see Satan and his evil as something out of God's control. We give our enemy way too much credit for being some “rogue agent” roaming about on the earth causing mayhem! Our understanding today of God is far worse than that of Eliphaz's. At least he was even able and willing to say all that Job's suffering was because God had “struck His hand against Job.” We have gone so far away from God today that for the most part we don't really believe in a sovereign God. Even the segment of Christians who do believe in a Sovereign God today would never accuse Him of turning a “righteous man” over for punishment. That is just taking it all a little too far. But that is exactly what we see here in Job. Look at the point Eliphaz jumps to make! He is quick to point out that he has NEVER seen an innocent person perish or an upright person destroyed. In his years on earth, he had only seen those who “plow evil” or sow rotten seeds, reap trouble and harm. What he is saying

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is, “History is on our side and you know it Job. Name one person you are aware of that suffered such a fate as yours when he was living right before God!” We see in verse 9 that Eliphaz is telling Job that God is against him for some hidden sin in his life. God's very breath goes out to destroy the wicked in his path, and from Eliphaz's point of view, Job had brought this on himself for some sin he was living in. As gently as possible, Eliphaz lets Job know that not only was he suffering for his sin, but that is also why his children had suffered the fate that had befallen them. “Job, you can roar all you want, but your words have no power like a lion without teeth. Because you are unwilling to admit your dark issues, your wife and children have suffered as well like a lioness with no food and cubs with no where to stay.”

I am telling you, if I am Job, about now I am so thankful for this “true friend” who is willing to give me the “tough truth.” What a guy! (sadly, I have played this role for many of my friends in life and I have a few of them myself!)

The rest of chapter 4 is my favorite part. If his education is not enough for Job to trust him, Eliphaz “has had a dream!” Ooooooo!!!!!! Now, we must certainly listen to Eliphaz because “some spirit” has given him wisdom in a vision! So listen up everybody, “I've had a dream!”

Eliphaz's dream is of a “dark spirit” who comes and hovers over him. It brings fear and terror to his heart, not unlike what one would feel if God came to visit them. This “form” hovered over him and raised the hair on his neck. In a “hushed voice,” very much like the “whisper” of the Spirit of God, the spirit speaks to Eliphaz. The words from the dream tell us a lot about who the “spirit” is in the dream and the message he has for Job! 17 ‘Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can even a strong man be more pure than his Maker?

18 If God places no trust in his servants, if he charges his angels with error, 19 how much more those who live in houses of clay, whose foundations are in the dust, who are crushed more readily than a moth!

20 Between dawn and dusk they are broken to pieces; unnoticed, they perish forever.

21 Are not the cords of their tent pulled up, so that they die without wisdom?’

Listen closely to what is being said. It sounds like a perfectly good message. One that would come from God himself.

Can a mortal man be more righteous than God? NO! Can we be more pure than God? NO! These are very good questions to ask of a man, because we already know the answers and these would seem to bring validity to the spirit who is speaking. These are questions that maybe even God himself would ask. I am sure this dream was a recent one for Eliphaz because it was so fresh on his mind. Remember though that Satan has been given “free reign” to wreak havoc in Job's life. So far he has destroyed his wealth and family. Next he took out his health.

Now he is seeking to destroy the last pillar on which Job stands! His faith and trust in God!

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But Satan is still a snake, and a snake can only do so much to act like something other than a snake. He can only pretend for so long! Eventually his true nature comes out and it does in this vision that Eliphaz had.

Just like in the Garden of Eden, Satan does not start out with some out right lie or crazy gesture to man. He is not out to reveal himself to us. He wants us to remain “tricked” or deceived in our current situation. In order to do that, he plays the part of God, taking on His very image as best he can. We can see that in his choice of questions to Eliphaz. He has asked some “no brainer” questions. Can we be better or more pure than God? The evident answer is, No! Thus, he has Eliphaz thinking he is speaking to God at this point because he has asked some “righteous questions.” It is only in the next few words that we see the true heart of this spirit and his hatred for mankind.

Remember from Julie's story of deliverance how the demons told of their anger and malice toward God's chosen people. They hate us because we were given the opportunity to be restored to God from our depravity and sin. They on the other hand wanted to come home, they wanted to return, but God did not allow them seeing there was no sacrifice for their iniquity. One slip and they were cast out from His holy presence for all eternity. We on the other hand screw up royally, yet God has chosen to love us and from our race choose a bride for His Son. Because of this, Satan and his hoards HATE us with more than just a passion. It is pure rage and hatred, and that is what one can hear if they are really listening to what the “spirit' says next.

The spirit ask that “if God does not even trust his angels/servants, how can even the best or strongest of men be considered pure in his eyes?” The spirit acknowledges that iniquity had been found among the heavenly host, and God had brought punishment on them.

Therefore, this must also be how he treats mankind, for we are “lower than the angels?” (Psalm 8:4-6, Hebrews 2:6-10) It is in these words that the “spirit” gives up his true identity. This spirit is Satan himself, come to implant a lie into the mind of Eliphaz, hoping that through it, Job can be swayed. Listen to him! “If God found fault in me and punished me, how much more will he do that to you? You are a worthless little fleshlings? You are NOTHING compared to me and the heavenly host. We are more powerful than you! More beautiful than you! We are worth far much more than you ever will be! So listen well! If God treated me in this manner for my transgressions, then he too will treat you the same. Who do you think you are Job to think God cares more for you than He does for me!”

Satan lets all of God's children have it here. He displays his true feelings for us. We are nothing more than “clay houses” that can be crushed or a moth who can be torn to bits. He wants us to believe that God does not consider us more than a worm or moth. Satan attempts to devalue us in our own eyes by putting the notion in our minds that God is “too good” to have anything to do with us. To prove his point, he points to the millions of people who perish with not even a glimpse from God. The ones who were given over to Satan as “vessels unto wrath.”

Again, just a slight twist of a truth to form a misconception of God in our minds. Our enemy is much more clever than we think, and because we have chewed on his “slight twist of the truth” for so long, we now accept them as being “the truth.” However, they are greater lies than if we

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believed God to be nothing more than a fairy tale. Why? Because believing in lies like these will cause us to think we have the truth, thus making us unwilling to receive real truth when it is presented to us. May God help us!

From this point, Eliphaz goes from being a “nice friend” to “bringing the rain brother!” He pours it on Job after his gust of “wisdom” he gathers from his dream! Out of his wisdom and “word from the Lord,” he speaks to Job to correct Job for misrepresenting God. Dear reader, please, don't take my sarcasm and view of Eliphaz too hard. I just have trouble not feeling sorry for Job. This guy has lost everything and now his friend is telling him it is all his fault. Sorry, but that just had to suck. On top of that, Job's knowledge of God are on trial as his wise old friends are here to set the record straight.

Is our understanding of God all that different? We see someone who is hurting, and we assume they are being punished for some unrighteousness in their life. If there is no wrong to be found, then we assume the devil was just about his business making our lives miserable.

Are we so foolish? Do we really think Satan's goal is to cause us misery and pain. No! He wants to destroy our God and our ability to see Him for who He really is. Satan wants to take God's place! He could not overthrow the throne in heaven, he could not sway Jesus from his path, so he is attempting to deceive the hearts of the ones God has chosen out of this world as His own. Please, I beg of you, don't get caught up in the lies of our enemy. Some of his greatest lies are not just lies about God, but lies about Satan's true intentions.

So Eliphaz starts in on Job by saying, “Go ahead, call on God if you want, but he is not listening. He will hear the words of a sinful man.” In other words, it is useless for us to go to God with a word of complaint or concern. After all, remember, we are nothing more than a “moth” who will be crushed and forgotten.

As if telling Job that God was not listening was not enough, look at verses 3-7: 3 I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.

4 His children are far from safety, crushed in court without a defender.

5 The hungry consume his harvest, taking it even from among thorns, and the thirsty pant after his wealth.

6 For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground.

7 Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.

Who do you think Eliphaz is referencing here? You got it! Job! This has gone from an “overview” of mankind to a direct attack or assault on Job. The fool Eliphaz mentions is Job and he was prosperous (taking root). Then, out of nowhere, his whole house was cursed. Verse 4 is nothing short of a dagger to a hurting mans heart. Eliphaz tells Job his children were “crushed” because of his sin. Not only that, but all his losses are also due to his iniquity that he is unwilling to admit. What is the reasoning for this? Simple. Because no man is better than the next. We are all sinful creatures from birth and we deserve nothing better than trouble.

All Eliphaz is really after is for Job to admit he is nothing more than a man who is sinful like the rest. He is wanting his friend to be restored, but first he knows there must be a

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confession of whatever wrongs have brought this on him. In verse 6 he points out that “trouble” does not just spring up on a man unless he has sown the seeds to reap it. And verse 7 is simply stating the fact we are born into a fallen world and prone to do wrong. This all sounds logical to me!

I only have one issue with this. Job is not any different than any other man. Eliphaz is right in his assumption that we are all born into a troubled world and prone to sin. No problems there. But, what about what God said about Job? Didn't God declare Job “pure and blameless!”

Job did not consider himself any greater than the next man. He did not claim to know it all, but he did claim to know God. Because of his pursuit of God, God declared Job “righteous” just like He had done for Abraham (who we know made mistakes.) It wasn't Job's perfection that caused God to declare him pure, but rather his choice to live in obedience to God and His ways.

That is what set Job apart from other men in the land. Not his “sinlessness,” but rather his pursuit of holiness! His pursuit of God. That is why Job is now complaining. His pursuit has brought him to this place of pain and suffering. That is why he spoke so harshly in chapter 3, wishing God would have spared him this misery and pain. Would not a merciful God just have ushered him into His holy presence and spared him such a fate as this? Sounds like questions too bold to ask God, but as we continue forward, we will see they are the very questions that brought Job to the place he longed so desperately for. They brought him into the very presence of God. Eliphaz however is not finished. He does not just leave Job there with this curse on his head. No. He offers Job to “come to God” and see that he is right. In verses 8-26, he describes a God so wonderful, a God so nice, a God I personally could fall in love with!

Eliphaz's God is one “performs wonders and miracles.” He “lifts up the lowly and brings safety and security to those who mourn.” This God “destroys the plans of the wise and wicked,' and their ways are “swept away into darkness.” He is so amazing that He “saves the needy from the sword and gives hope and justice to the poor.” I mean this God is AMAZING! But wait, there is more!

Eliphaz tells Job to consider what he is going through as a “blessing,” because although God “wounds and injures, He also brings healing to that same person.” He says that God will never leave his child in a place so terrible if only you will confess your sins. “Job, if you will just turn back to God, you won't have to fear famine, war, or even fear destruction. The ground (stones) will even bear you fruit and the wild animals won't ever touch your herds. Your house will be solid as a rock and whenever you take inventory, you will see that not even a penny is missing from your wealth. All you have to do Job is confess your sins and God will even restore to you your lost children and you will go to your grave a happy man. All it takes Job is for you to accept this truth about God as I have described Him to you. If you will apply these truths to your life and let go of your righteous piety, then you will live out your days in rest and peace!”

Oh my! What a mesmerizing picture of God. Someone should give Eliphaz an honorary Masters Degree or something. He has just nailed the image of God of modern day Christianity.

Honestly, when I read these words I am personally tempted to soak them in and bask in their warmth! This is the God I want to know and serve.

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As I looked over Eliphaz's words, he is not necessarily describing a “false image of God.” Rather, it is a perfect image of a “half God.” This is the part of God that I had grown to know and love. The God that is taught each Sunday from thousands of pulpits. The God that is described in thousands of books. A God who provides for the needy and poor while punishing those who do wrong. This amazing God who can do miracles and wonders, performing works beyond my belief. A God who sends the rain on our crops and destroys the paths of the wicked man. This God would never let “sin pay” or the sinner get off lightly. Not only that, this God saves the poor from the evil persons terror and the sword (or guns) of a wicked ruler. It is because of God that the poor have a hope of a better life. “Give your life to God and he will surely lift you up! He will start blessing you with a better job and a better lifestyle. He will do all this especially if you start obeying the law of tithing! You may not have the best of the best, but you will be blessed!” That is the God of Eliphaz!

But the sermon doesn't stop there. If you find yourself in a tough place, be thankful he is punishing you as evidence of His love and proof that you are His child. He may cut you, bruise you, or open you up to hurt, but He will also bandage your wounds and cause you to heal. He may punish you, but it is only to set you back on the right path. In a time of famine, your belly will be full. In a war, we will have a magic force field around us to protect us from harms way.

Like the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” If we are obeying God, if we are honoring Him, even the roughest part of our gardens will bear good fruit. The coyotes and wolves will not touch our flocks because God will shield them and protect them. If we happen upon a bear or lion, all we need do is trust God to protect us from them. We can just command them to go away in the name of Jesus! We need not fear thieves or murderers for our households cannot be touched by evil men. When we count all the “eggs in our basket” we will not find any missing or harmed! Our lives on earth will be one of blessing and peace! As a bonus, we will have a mansion in heaven!

My oh my, what a wonderful life we are suppose to have! All we have to do is be the “best Christian we can be!” If we do that, life on earth will be like a piece of heaven. Just makes not wanting to be a Christian seem foolish in light of all God does for His people.

Now I know that I sound like a person filled with sarcasm and maybe I am overstating the obvious. But I want you to understand, this is God as I knew Him and as He is taught today!

I was raised in a conservative, God fearing, Calvinistic household! I was taught that God was sovereign and in control of all things including where every rain drop fell. This God Eliphaz describes is who I knew God to be. He was the God of “ifs.” If I obeyed Him, then life would be overflowing with blessings. If I disobeyed Him, I could expect punishment and wrath. Sure, He is a patient God who would show mercy and compassion allowing me time before I got my “spanking.” But in the end, if I did not follow His “path of righteousness,” then I had to pay for my sins. Commit the crime, do the time! This was all intended to keep me on the straight and narrow as a “Model Christian” should be.

If I was living a “good life,” obeying the ways of the Lord, people would recognize my loyalty to Him by the blessings He poured out on my life. So long as I paid my dues (tithed), stayed in church (forsake not the assembling of yourselves together), and obeyed all the

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commands of Jesus and the apostles (If you love me you will keep my commandments), then I was going to be okay.

This is the God of Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar! This is the God they knew from all of their training and education that was passed down through time. What they said about God can be considered truth. God does bless the righteous and punish the wicked as seen in heaven and hell. The God I refer to as the “God of performance” (do good = be blessed, do wrong = punishment) is evident in the Bible. I am not denying that at all. However, these men had made a critical mistake in their understanding of God! What Eliphaz has done in these two chapters is lay the foundation for every statement made by “The Three” in the rest of the book of Job! Their major issue with Job revolves around his claim to have been unfairly treated by God. Job claimed that there was no “sin” in his life that brought on his sufferings, but rather that he was “blameless” in his present life. This was simply unthinkable to these three men because God could not act outside of the law of “right and wrong.”

At this point, I was personally confused. Everything Eliphaz had said resembled the God I knew, trusted, loved, and followed. This God who is described as treating men according to their actions was the God I had heard preached from pulpits since I was a child. He was the God I had preached and proclaimed. He was truly sovereign and everything was under His control, but He only acted inside of this law of “right and wrong.” As we know, this is not an “anti God” or even a false picture of God, however, according to God, it is “incorrect” As I pressed forward through Job, I discovered an amazing fact!

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The Rest of the Story The biggest argument between Job and his friends is NOT whether or not God was sovereign and in complete control. Rather, their argument was would a fair and just God allow such suffering to fall upon a “righteous man?” What I found as I really read through this book was an mind blowing.

I missed it at first! I was seeking for the differences between the descriptions of God that these opposing sides had. What I began to see as I read through the book several times was: The God that Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar, and Job believed in was the VERY SAME GOD! They were all living under the same understandings and beliefs about God. They had the same education in the nature and character of God. Their God and His justice system was summed up as follows, “If you live a righteous life, obeying God's commands, then He would bless you and protect you from all harm. However, if you lived a life unpleasing to God, then you would suffer punishment from His righteous hand.”

They all believed in the same Sovereign God who was in complete control. None of them doubted that Job's suffering was from the hand of God. This was not their argument point at all. Where they were divided was over the fact that Job was claiming to be blameless and thus God was acting unjustly toward him based on their current understanding of how God governs His people. Job first says this out loud in Chapter 9:21, but it is inferred by how he responded in chapters 1-2 and his attitude displayed in Chapter 3. He was literally saying that God was being unjust towards him because he had done nothing to “deserve the punishment.”

His audacious claims stirred up “The Three” and aroused great unrest in their hearts.

They were appalled that their good friend Job would make such a claim based on the fact they all saw God in the same light. “God could not, nor would He, act outside of what was fair and right.” Job was right there with them in what he believed, but what he was experiencing did not fit into his understanding of God. Based on his current lifestyle of pleasing and serving God he should not be enduring this suffering and shame. Job's circumstances brought him to a crisis of belief and he was lost with no answers.

“The Three” took turns “defending” God based on their wisdom and understanding of Him. They were well educated and well versed in the history of God and mankind. From all their combined knowledge, what Job was suffering had to be based on the fact that God was punishing Job for his sins and iniquities. Job holding his ground that he is innocent, unless God is holding “the sins of his youth” against him. (Chp 13:23) But that did not suffice his hunger for answers because that did not add up to who God had revealed himself to be.

Job knew that God does not hold the sins of the past against his children, but rather He forgives them and scatters their sins as far as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12) Job lived in that truth, therefore he was confused, hurt, baffled and upset that he had endured such a onslaught from the hands of God. If God was just, He was to judge according to a mans present condition. Job was living perfectly before the Lord (Job 1:1,8, 2:3), therefore if God was just, and Job assumed He was, then Job considered his present suffering unfair and unjust!

That is why Job wanted answers.

This is the basis for the entire conversation between Job and these three men. “The Three” could not accept a God who acted outside of the law of “right and wrong” as we all know that law to be. Their God had to live inside the rule of Justice.(Job 8:3,20, 32:10-12) Therefore, if you were suffering at the hand of God, there had to be a sin or some iniquity in your life.

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Job's understanding of God was being challenged and put to the test. This test brought fear and terror to them all. For the three, it was the fear of losing the God they took comfort in.

For Job, it was the fear of facing a God who had shattered his life. If God did not abide by the rules as Job knew them, then that meant that God did not work His purposes based on how Job acted in life! This “New God” could do whatever He pleased, whenever He pleased. His actions did not depend on “right and wrong,” but merely on His own good pleasure. That reality was frightening for them all! (Job 6:21,23:15-16) The reason Job appears so brash in his stance with God was that Job knew the details of his own life. He knew there was no hidden sin and no iniquities buried deep within. Job was what one would describe as the “Super C” Christian. Job was pure and blameless, and his life was revered by all who knew him. (Job 29) Therefore, Job faced his new reality with both fear and boldness. He questioned God as a lawyer would question a subject on trial. He wanted answers, and he felt he deserved them.

The reason the three friends seem so arrogant and useless to Job was they were making assumptions based on their religious understandings of God. They assumed there was sin because “this is how God treated sinners.” To them, there could not be any other explanation. They had to live based on what they knew about God. They were not open to accept the fact that maybe they were wrong about God. As the argument grows throughout the chapters, the debate gets more and more heated.

Both sides begin to dig in and fiercely fight for their position. “The Three” fight to bring Job back to the reality they had all known and been raised with. Their education and knowledge of God was the final say in all matters. God was defined by their understanding that had come through their many years of studying the “stories of old.” Job fought back with his knowledge and understanding of God combined with his knowledge of his own life and his position of purity before God. Job knew there was no sin which had not been covered! Therefore, this meant God evidently was not who he had known God to be or God truly was unjust. The fact that Job was able to get things “right” when he spoke about God was not because he had some special insight, but rather, because he was forced to see God outside the box he had always lived in.

His circumstances forced him to now define God in new and different terms. The fact that Job was able to “speak rightly” about God was not from his years of education, but rather from his moments in the “school of hard knocks” coupled with his willingness to be bold in his speech toward God! As the argument grew, some natural outcomes of this “false understanding” of God started to rise from the fray. The “Gospel of Prosperity” flows naturally from this God who works inside the confines of mans system of rules and laws. A God bound by our law of justice is required to bless a pure and righteous man and condemn the wicked for their ways. The problem that comes up are the apparent “holes” in this understanding of God as one looks around the world.

The first hole is: “What of the wicked man who never seems to pay for his sins and transgressions? The man who steals, kills, and destroys, then goes to his grave with wealth and pleasures.” How do we answer this question based on this God who is bound by our understanding of the law?

“The Three” answered with “this can never happen! (Job 4:8-9, 8:20, 11:20,), but we know that it does. Playboys and party animals, crime lords and ruthless kings, have all lived and died with earthly satisfaction and wealth. People have murdered and stolen and never been caught. Job supplies the answer we so desperately need for this puzzling question.

In chapters 24, 26, and 27, Job describes the final destination of a wicked man and one who lives a life of sin. He tells of how a wicked man will meet his end of destruction and the “good” man will finally rest in peace.

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What a relief! We have an answer for the “Why good things happen to bad people” question and vice versa. However, this does not answer our desire to see justice for the wicked man here and now! According to this understanding of God that “The Three” are displaying, immediate justice for the wicked and blessings for righteous would be required on God's part.

We are left with a more troubling question. What of all the “innocent” people who suffer ill gotten fates? What about the child born into a land of hunger and starvation? The baby's mother who is too weak to feed him or her so they die a slow and painful death right after birth? What about the cries of the terrified villagers in a distant jungle land who are ravaged, raped, and murdered by an evil warlord? Their bodies dumped in mass graves of mud and muck. What about the child who is molested by a parent or family member before they even are out of diapers? Or what about the child or person who is kidnapped and sold into slavery to be used for sex and/or hard labor? What about these people? They may have never heard of God or His love and justice! When they do, how do they apply this God of immediate justice to their lives?

Where was He when they needed Him the most?

Again, we are forced to grasp for answers to these questions in order to defend our understanding of God. We are forced to be partial toward Him and offer Him excuses so as to free Him from the responsibility of such horrible things. That is why the god who is described in so many of our popular books is loved and treasured. We use lines like, “it is because we live in an evil world” or, “it is the handy work of the devil.” Both are true statements, but how do we explain them in light of how we have seen Satan in the position of being under the authority and control of God as found in chapters 1 and 2?

Sadly we grasp for what is seems to be the last straw and say, “there are none who are innocent for we are all under the burden of original sin.” (Job 15:14, 22:2, 25, 25:4, 36:14).

Again this can be considered a truth, but it does not coincide with the verses that tell us that all God's children are dressed in the “robe of Christ righteousness” and how God no longer sees our sins, but rather only His Son! If we maintain our grip on this god as described by Eliphaz and the other two, we are forced to make excuses for God when it comes to these undeniable realities in our world. Either we find Him an excuse or we must condemn Him as unjust.

That is why this argument Job and his friends are having is so intense. Job knew God was not unjust, however, it did not explain why he had suffered this pain and loss. When his friends continued their attacks, his anger arose because all their ranting did not answer the simple question of “Why did God do this to me?” He did not disagree with his friends on their theology or understanding of God, but rather, he opposed them on the issue that he was “blameless” and therefore undeserving of his sufferings. He felt betrayed by God and he wanted to know “Why?” (Job 30-31).

Job's friends sought the answer to this question through their education and understanding of God. They searched desperately for “the sin” that Job had hidden deep within.

Eventually, they even began to accuse Job of sins that did measure up to his character (Job 22:4-11). They were desperate for an answer so they could hold on to this god they so desperately needed..

Job took a different route to find out the answer to his burning question. He sought out an audience with God. He pursued God with a relentless spirit, grasping for Him in desperation and despair (23:1-9). He knew the key was in God's hands, so he skipped the knowledge he had attained and pursued the very Person of God. He demanded of Him an answer to his questions. This was a bold and risky move by Job. As I mentioned earlier, the arguments of the three friends eventually reveal the “hidden beast” that is unfortunately so common in our lives today. The God of Prosperity! We make fun of him when put on display in “over the top ways,” but we are all under the lies of this hidden beast. It is the God of prosperity who is subject to our rules and laws of “right and wrong.” It is

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the “half god” of our beliefs and teachings in modern Christianity. He is found in our Christian education, our institutions, and he is preached from our pulpits every Sunday. We scoff at the idea that we might be living under this deception of the devil because we are not like “those guys on TV!” We can bring up just about any TV preacher we want, and we stick our nose up while patting ourselves on the back because we think we have escaped this hideous monster.

The truth is, if we believe that God is bound to deliver blessings on a man who is following his laws and obeying his commands, then we are deceived. If we see punishment poured out on a person and assume that it is either “God's hand of punishment for sin,” or, “because the world is evil and the devil is on the attack,” then we have been deceived. This God that was at the center of Job's life and the belief of these three men ultimately leads one to expect that God “owes” us just payment based on our performance. This God must “pour out his blessings” on a man who is faithful to the tithe. This God must “bless” those who humbly serve him in ministry to His people. This God must act within the confines of the laws He has given to us to follow. He must reward those who do good and He must punish those who do bad. This is the core, the very heart of the “God of Prosperity.” This God is all too familiar in the teachings of modern day Christianity. We may not want to believe this is the God we serve, but any honest reflection of our core belief systems will prove this undeniable fact! We serve the God of Prosperity in one form or the other! We serve the god of Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar!

Even Job is completely unsettled with this new image he is seeing of God. His spirit jerks and is repulsed by the very thought of a God who is free of our understanding of justice. He is experiencing the grim reality of this new God, and it terrifies him. (Job 23:13-16). In a desperate search to return God to his former place in Job's understanding, Job begins to search for a sin in his life that he is unaware of. If God would just show him his sin, he would gladly repent and bear the shame of the punishment he was enduring. (Job 7:20-21, 13:23, 31:36-40). He hoped with all his heart that he could be proven wrong about the God he now saw. Job would rather die than face this “new God” he was being forced to face. (Job3, 6:8-9, 7:11-16, 9:21, 10:1, 10:15). This God was unbearable to Job. He did not fit the preferred picture Job had of God. This was not a God who Job “felt safe” with.

Job had to face this new reality, but he was struggling to do so! That is why Job was so bold in his questioning of God. He had lost everything in his pursuit of pleasing God, so what did he care if he now died. But even in his boldness, Job was careful not to curse God or speak any blasphemous words.

As this new reality began to sink in, Job naturally fell into despair. His heart was so heavy, he was ready for it all to end. He now saw God for who he was, and his soul trembled and quaked. He realized that God did not act inside the confines of his understanding and God was not subject to the laws or “boxes” that he had placed around Him. God was truly, to the furtherest of the explanation, a “Free Agent” who could act and do as he pleased (Job 23:13).

God was not constrained by anyone, or anything, outside of God himself! This made God “frightening,” and terrifying to Job (Job 23:15-16). If God had treated Job like this when he was living “blameless and upright,” what did that mean God could do to Job in the future? If God did not act according to our laws of justice then God became fully unpredictable in His ways and actions. This God was unacceptable to Job and “The Three.” Therefore, Job tried one last thing to calm his heart. He tried to go back!

Job 29 is a powerful plea of a man who has reached the end of his rope and he does not like what he sees. Job longs to return to his former days, not just for the ease and comfort, but for the “safety” of the god he had lived for, served, and given his life to worship. He longed for the god of his former days so that he could turn his eyes away from this “New God” he was facing. He wished the god he formerly knew was the true God. He wanted desperately to turn

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away from this terrifying reality in which God had made Himself known to Job. However, Job knew that turning back really was not a choice he could make. He had relentlessly pursued God during this trial and he did not want to go home empty handed. Although he yearned to go back to his former understanding of God, his spirit was “forced” to move forward because he needed to see God for who He really was no matter what that meant.

Job finished speaking by laying out his final case before God (Job 30-31). He described God from the vantage point God had revealed to him and then he pleaded his final case based on his “blameless” behavior. He speaks of how he has avoided sin with extreme caution because he “feared” what God would do to him in the courts of justice (31:23). He again submits himself to accept this “punishment” he is enduring if iniquity can be found in him. If sin can be found in him then he will bow his head and say no more. Also, he ask again for God to present His case against him, and if God had no case, then he wants God to explain the meaning of his sufferings and shame. With that, Job closes his argument and WAITS! Job's three friends now fall silent. They see that they will not be able to bring Job back to their understanding of how God works. Job is holding firm to his belief that he is “blameless” and therefore deserves an explanation from God. They all sit there in silence waiting for God to answer them. They each seek vindication on their individual cases, and only God can reveal who is right and who is wrong. So they wait in silence.

Honestly, this is the hardest part of the entire process. Waiting on God to reveal himself and thus revealing the truth. Both cases were presented with much passion and persuasion, and just like waiting on a judge to deliberate and form his final decision, Job and his friends wait on God to deliver His verdict.

During this silence, Satan takes one last shot at winning this battle with God. Because he is not an idiot or one lacking wisdom, he realizes that his attacks has actually revealed to Job a more complete picture of God. This was the worst case scenario for Satan as his shroud of deception has now been exposed. He had covered himself in the “clothing of God” in order to hold mankind under a incomplete image of God. In his desperate desire to defeat God by destroying one of His children, Satan had unwittingly given God the perfect opportunity to reveal His fullness to Job. As Job waited, Satan used the last weapon he had available to him. This attack was not to destroy Job, but rather to draw him back into living under the false understanding of God .

This false image was displayed throughout the book of Job and is the ultimate weapon that Satan has used throughout time to deceive God's people. Now that the “cat was out of the bag,” Satan tries to cover his tracks in an attempt to not lose more ground in the lives of Job and these three men. Very carefully he plans his final attack.

Among the group we read of in Job there was a young man named Elihu. Elihu was not mentioned before as he was a young man, and young men were not given much consideration in those days when “old men” were talking. The young were expected to simply sit, listen, and learn from the wisdom of the elders. Satan knew that God often spoke through very unexpected avenues like a donkey and dreams. Therefore, what better mouth piece to use than the one who was least expected to talk? A young man among a group of wise old men.

Elihu is easy to write off as some proud young man who loses his cool and thinks way too much of himself. However, if his words are examined carefully, one begins to see much more than just a young man blowing his lid. He followed the custom of the day, quietly listening to the arguments of the elders he was among. He did not break tradition by interrupting, but rather waited till they all fell silent. Only then was he “compelled” to speak his mind. (32:18-20).

Remember, Job had asked God for an answer, and he was waiting on God's reply.

When the silence was broken by a young man, it was clear that he would get their attention. It

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was not customary for a young man to speak in a group of older men. When he did, they must have been caught off guard somewhat. Elihu spoke respectfully, even when he handed out rebukes to Job and “The Three.” His words were carefully measured and thought out. Could this be God answering Job through an unexpected mouthpiece?

Elihu approaches these four elders from a completely different angle. Each of them had spoken using their knowledge and education about God. They had been around for years and had listened to countless stories about the ways and actions of God. Their knowledge came from a long line of wisdom passed down through the generations by verbal and written stories (8:8-10, 15:10, 20:4). Job was also using his education in the ways and character of God to present his case that God had treated him unfairly (9:2, 12:3, 16:2). Elihu on the other hand claims to be delivering a word directly from the mouth of God (32:8, 33:4, 36:2-4). He comes in the form of a prophet who is bringing a direct message from God! Elihu never speaks “falsely” of God. Just like Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, there is no “anti God” statements. In fact, he speaks of God in a very awe inspiring way. He says God is “higher than men!” (33:12). He mentions God's patience and long suffering with mankind (33:1430). He portrays God as a “God of Justice” who repays each man according to his works (34:1033). He talks of how God is not affected in His character by either the sin or righteousness of a man (35:4-8). He presents God as One who is complete in and of Himself and does not need man to be satisfied. All complete truths and indisputable both then and now!

However, as we have noted before, if God is not the one delivering the message, then a twist of the truth will always show up. It is no different here as Satan attempts to use Elihu to draw Job back to his former understanding of God, the God Job had said he “yearned to return to.”( Job 29 ) Chapters 36-37 again describe a god who is required to act within mans understanding of the system of justice and abide by our laws of “right and wrong.” These verses describe a God who “must” bless the righteous,defend the oppressed, while also punishing the wicked during their time here on earth for the sins they commit.

Elihu speaks of a God who is above us but does not despise us (36:5). He says the wicked must pay for their sins (36:6a) and the righteous who obey are due a just reward of a life of comfort and protection (36:6b-7). This God is so merciful, that if we find ourselves in the midst of suffering, He must be faithful to reveal to us the sin that we are being punished for and give us the chance to repent and be restored (36:8-11). The God of prosperity is again portrayed in verse 11 and the God of wrath revealed in verse 12. According to Elihu in 36:15, God is required to abide by the rules of justice, therefore He must comfort those who are afflicted (the molested child, the tortured teen, the ravaged villager) because he is a “just God.” “The Almighty is beyond our reach and exalted in power; in his justice and great righteousness, he does not oppress.

Therefore, people revere him, for does he not have regard for all the wise in heart?” (Job 37:23-24) As the “mouthpiece of God,” Elihu tells Job and his friends exactly what they wanted to hear. This was “the answer” they had been waiting for. Their view and understanding of God that had come through all their education had been confirmed and they were all justified in their feelings regarding Job's situation! Except for Job's need to know what he had done wrong.

Elihu had said it was because of his sin that Job was suffering, but he did not tell Job specifically what sin he had committed. Although Job wanted to accept the words of Elihu, he was still left with unanswered questions. This speech of Elihu's may have offered Job a way to

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“return to his former days and understanding of God,” but it had not satisfied his need for God to answer his question. Job wanted this question answered! “If I have sinned, show me my sin. If I have not, then tell me why you have acted unjustly toward me!”

Job did not answer Elihu, instead, he continued to silently pursue God by waiting on Him. What a concept! Pursuing God by sitting and waiting. Sometimes that is all that is required to “pursue” God. Sometimes doing nothing is more than doing something! To be still and wait, knowing He is God and that He will answer in His time! May we all learn this valuable lesson!

We are told in the beginning of the story that Job was sitting outside among the trash heap. Chapter 38 begins with God coming to speak to Job “out of the storm.” Now this could mean the storm of his circumstances, or maybe it was a literal storm. I am not a Greek scholar, so I am simply assuming it is speaking of a literal storm. As if things weren't bad enough, Job now is having to sit outside and endure not only a storm of accusations brought on by his friends, but also a storm which is pounding his torn and battered body. In the midst of this storm, God speaks.

Based on his former knowledge of God, Job was probably expecting, or at least hoping that God would show up with some great words of comfort to console him. However, God does the unexpected and comes in with a flood of questions for Job. Job had dared to pursue God and question God's fairness and justice. He had boldly approached God and demanded an answer. So God gave him his answer in the form of a list of questions.

One must be careful not to make assumptions on the tone God uses when He speaks to Job. It has often been construed that He came to put Job in his proper place by rebuking him.

However, these words were much more than a rebuke! They are God's way of revealing Himself as Job has so fiercely demanded. I implore you to read the entirety of God's conversation with Job. You can find them in Job 38-41. They are amazing! In order to be brief, I will attempt to sum it all up.

God says, “Job, who are you that you should judge Me by the laws of man? Who are you to define my justice by the rules of man's understanding? Am I a mere mortal that you can understand Me? My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). I Am above your rules and regulations and am subject to no man or no thing other than Myself (Job 38:33)! Only I can set my bounds and I am bound only by my good pleasure which is wrapped up in my Holiness and Glory (Eph 1:5-9, Philippians 2:3). You were correct to say that I can do whatever pleases me (23:13), for that is exactly what I do. And Job, everything I do has a specific purpose and my purpose is always good and based on my love for you (Romans 8:28). I will never allow myself to be constrained by any box man may design for Me. Your “boxes” are always too narrow minded, too small. Job, if you presume to have answers for My questions, then please feel free to fill Me in with your wisdom (40:1-2).

Job has traveled a long and difficult road up to this point. He has lost everything a man could fathom losing. He has a broken heart and his bank accounts have been depleted. His body is riddled with pain and his reputation has been slandered by his closest of friends. He has sought answers that would bring him peace of mind, but at every corner he continued to see a God who terrified him. God has come as Job has requested and He has put Job back in his place while revealing that He is in fact the God Job feared.

God offers Job a final chance to either continue his fight or simply surrender. God offered Job this choice, but God knew that only one choice truly existed for Job. Job knew he could continue his fight, but his fight would only bring more despair, worry, fear, and shame. The only real choice he had was to humble himself, bow before the Lord God Almighty, and surrender to this new understanding of who God was. According to Job 40:3-5, that is exactly what Job did!

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At this point you might think that fireworks would explode and confetti would fall from the sky as God reaches down and embraces Job! God, however, is not finished speaking to Job. Now that Job has surrendered, the real work has just begun.

Now that Job understands that his view of God was incomplete and all his education had fallen short, God has to replace Job's old foundation with a new one. He has to completely start over and rebuild Job from the ground up. God begins by telling Job, “If you are so great, and your knowledge is so wise, why don't you come up here and do my job? You think you can clothe yourself in glory and radiance? If you can, come in all your wisdom Job and bring about the absolute best at all times as I do! If you can pull it off, I will humble myself and admit you can save yourself by your own wisdom and might.” (40:8-14). One might picture the modern movie “Bruce Almighty” here. In essence, God is offering Job His job if Job thinks he can handle it.

However, there is more to these words than what meets the eye. There is a greater message to Job! A message of hope and redemption! God is revealing to Job that his “blamelessness” is not, and never was based on his ability to keep the law. Rather, it was because God had declared Job to be “blameless.”(Job1:8, 2:3) It was not of works, lest Job should boast (Eph 2:8-10). If God does not declare a man righteous, then he can never be righteous. On the other hand, if God declares a man righteous, NOTHING (not even Satan himself) can change that reality (Romans 8:31-39). All through Job, there is this glorious picture of God's work on our behalf through Christ! (9:33-34, 16:19-21, 19:25-27).

When Job faced the jury of men, he was able to uphold his blameless state. When he entered into the presence of God, Job saw that even his righteousness was as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:5-7). In God's court of “justice,” not even our best efforts can measure up to His standards.

That is why God does not work inside our system of justice. His standards are far to high for us to attain and we all fall short (Romans 3:23). Therefore, without God declaring us blameless, we are nothing more than filth and rottenness. But let it be known! Whom God declares righteous no one can declare that man unrighteous in His sight!

As Job begin to grasp this new understanding that would be made completely clear thousands of years later in the life of Jesus Christ, his understanding and ability to worship and relate to God grew immensely. Job was now on a path of knowing God as God requires Himself to be known by His children. To get Job to this point, God had used Satan and the misery Job endured. That is why Job could rejoice in his sufferings in the end just as Christ rejoiced in his sufferings on the cross. The prize at the end of the journey was worth all the misery and pain!

Friends, God is the same yesterday, today and forever! He does not change and He continues to use anything and everything, including Satan, to bring His chosen children to a full and complete relationship with Him. If God were to stop doing what he did in Job, then we would be without hope and forever doomed to a relationship with a “half god” or “partial god.” This would leave us all facing an eternity of separation from God, because God will not accept a child who does not reciprocate in accepting God for who He fully is.

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Wrapping up Job In an attempt to wrap this up, we all know how Job's story ended. The end of his life was blessed far more than his beginning. He was given double his riches and his wife bore him 10 more children. 7 boys and 3 daughters, the same as before. Job was fully restored and then some. (42:10-17).

There are two more things I want to point out from the end of the book of Job. We have already discussed what God said to “The Three” regarding their incorrect words about God. Elihu is not mentioned again and we have no idea what happened to him. We are left to wander about his fate, but I want to look at what Job was required to do by God: 7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. burnt

8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.”

9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.

10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.

Job had just experienced the true meaning of forgiveness at the hands of God. When Job surrendered to the fullness of who God is and the forgiveness He offered, Job was immediately required by God to extend that same forgiveness to the ones who had hurt him the most. Job had repeatedly told his friends that their accusations were not true, and the fact that they continued their attacks brought him more pain than anything else he had endured (16:1-5, 19:1-6). The lack of trust displayed by his friends was the worst blow he had taken during the whole trial he endured. Now God says that these three friends are to come to Job with a sacrifice for their sins of incorrect words about God and they have to ask Job to pray on their behalf. If Job wouldn't do it, then God was not going to accept their sacrifice. Immediately, Job is tested by God to see if he had really understood the lesson he had just learned. Did he really see God and understand he was to be a reflection of God to his people? Even to those who had hurt him the most!

Thankfully Job did “get it” and he prayed for his friends. After he prayed God sees fit to restore Job to a place of prominence. After Job humbled himself, surrendered, and had chosen to reflect the compassion and love of God to his friends was he placed into a more intimate relationship with God in which God poured out blessings upon blessings.

Finally, I want to look at the final recorded words of Job in 42:5.

5 My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.

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Up to this point, Job's life had been based on his knowledge of God that was attained through education and self learning. He had read the stories of old and he had studied the writings of those who had gone before. He had accepted and chosen to follow the commands of God that he had “heard about.” Job had a deeper desire though, no different than any other true child of God. He longed to see God “face to face.” It is the same request we see Moses make in Exodus 33:18. They are the words of Abraham and Jacob and the cries of David in the Psalms.

It was the plea of those in the days of Jesus who did not understand that “he and the Father were one.” And that prayer has not ceased unto this day.

All of Job's reading and choosing to obey God was born out of his ultimate desire to see God's in person. God honored Job's request and answered his longing. Because Job was so steeped in his “religious views of God,” God had to break down his walls before Job would accept what he was going to see. He had to rip away Job's faulty foundation in order to replace it with Himself, the Solid Rock Foundation.

When Job's circumstances did not “add up” to his view of God he was forced to cry out to God for answers. When God finally revealed Himself to Job, he was terrified (Job 23:14-16)!

This God who could not be confined by any rule or understanding of man was frightening. That is why Job was afraid! This meant that the outcome of his life was not based on what he did or did not do (laws and rules), but rather on the simple declaration of the mouth of God! Job had lost all ability to control his own destiny! Suddenly he realized he was no more than a lump of clay in a potters hands and the potter could mold him however He saw fit (Romans 9:14-24).

That is why this God we see in Job causes us to recoil in horror. If this is really who God is then we are powerless and have no control! Isn't that the basis of our dislike for the story of Job? We are happy to embrace the god of “The Three” because with him we maintain some sense of control. With the God that revealed Himself to Job, we truly are nothing more than lumps of clay.

(No wander I avoided the depths of this story for so long. I/we by nature want to be in control of our own fate! We want to have a say in how we are treated and how we are formed.

But with God as described by Job, we cannot have any control or we are no different than Satan. Harsh words, but it is true!)

Job's circumstances however had driven him to a place of desperation. He was forced to seek, to ask, and even to demand an answer from God. His knowledge of God was crumbling around him and he had only one choice! He had to relentlessly pursue this God who now stood in front of him. He had to know Him because he had nothing else on which to stand! Was this really God, or had he been deceived and led astray. Was the God of his forefathers and his education the true and living God, or was it this “new God” who stood so ominously above Him? He was offered many opportunities to turn back, to return to his former ways and his life of comfort. He was given the choice to refuse God and live out his days in peace. Satan could have easily given Job everything had taken from him. All Job had to do was turn around and embrace the God was who he thought he was. If he would admit to some fault or failure and repent, then he would have been returned to his life of comfort and peace. That is what Satan was attempting to force Job to do.

But Job was relentless and he would not give in! He fought the good fight and he endured! He did not quit when the going was the toughest! Most of all, he waited on God! He relentlessly pursued God by waiting on Him to answer his questions. He did not accept the answer offered by any man. God had brought this upon him and he waited on God to explain to

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him the reasoning behind it all. When God answered, Job listened in humility and bowed his head in surrender.

His final words ring so loud and clear down through the ages and are on the tips of the tongues of all who love God! When God revealed himself through the “storm,” Job uttered two simple words, “Thank You!” No, you won't find them in the text, but they are embellished in the words of verse 5.

“Oh God, I so desperately long to know You. I have sought You out through everything that was available to me, yet I wondered if there might be more. I obeyed You to the best of my ability and I thought I knew who You were. When You destroyed my life, You destroyed my understanding of who You are. God, before today, I had only heard about You! After this storm of trouble and pain, I can now say I have finally seen You for who You really are! Although it was painful, it is the greatest gift I could ever have hoped for. Thank You Father for this gift of Yourself! I repent of my former ways and I bow my head to worship the true and living God!” To see God is the ultimate gift any child of His could ever receive! Job knew that and like any “good Christian” he longed for that gift. How he got there did not much please him, he would have preferred a different path with less suffering and pain, but that is not God's way.

You see, God is not interested in a lazy or half hearted effort to attain this amazing gift of Himself. He is not willing to give such a prized possession to someone who is unwilling to fight for it or give everything he has to attain it. If we want God we must Relentlessly pursue Him. He demands everything and requires our full attention(Matthew 7:14). Without it, we can only expect to know a “half god” and we can expect nothing less than to hear on that final day, “Depart from me, ye workers of iniquity.”(Matthew 7:22-24) Dear friends, this is our choice today in America and the churches across the globe. We have thousands of years of knowledge compiled by those who walked with God before our time.

We have millions of books that tell us about this God who judges based on our understanding of “right and wrong.” Pastors and preachers spend countless hours pouring over these works in order to educate themselves on the ways of God. Just like the books studied by Job and “The Three,” none of these works declare or promote an “anti-God,” but they are only cover half of who God is. They declare a “partial God,” stopping short of His full glory so we can have a God of peace and comfort. A God we can predict and control with our performance of obedience.

That is NOT God though, and serving that god will only lead to destruction! It leads us to assume that God is required to bless the doers of good and punish those who do bad.

Therefore we become judges of those who are either living in the blessing or punishment. We begin to assume that one who is blessed is living righteously and we also assume one who is enduring suffering or a trial is facing punishment for current or past sins. It places God inside a box and requires Him to work inside our ability to understand Him. Regardless of how hard we try, the true and living God cannot be put in a box.

Therefore, any god put in a box is really not God at all. It may resemble God and may even contain truths about God! But unless it is God accepted in His fullness, then it is a false god and we are worshiping nothing more than an idol constructed by Satan.

God is tired of His children living under this great deception cast by Satan in our current day and age. Satan has wrapped himself in a robe of light and has transformed his image to mirror the outward image of God. He has woven a web of lies and deceit by using truths we hold

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so near and dear to our hearts. However,we must remember that it is God who allowed Satan to have this power and ability to deceive and test us! Therefore we must not fret and falter, but rather open our eyes to what God is saying now and run to Him in all His glory.

Our hearts are so hard and wicked, He has to destroy us before we will be able to let go of our vain understandings of Him and really accept Him for who He is. That is why He gives Satan the right to deceive us, so that on one glorious day He can burst forth with His glory and shatter the darkness with His unquenchable light.

The process for the deceived child is a painful one, as it literally kills them. There is going to be suffering, just as Christ suffered on the cross. Salvation first requires death. Death to ourselves and our understandings of God followed by a resurrection into a new life of surrender to God! A life of truly seeing Him for who He is and bowing our heads in awe and worship of this incomprehensible God! These are hard words, and tough to swallow. I would know, for I have lived them out. I was deceived and dying in my knowledge of a “half god.” I was convinced I had the full truth and that I deserved the life I was enjoying. I would have joined “The Three” and defended the character and nature of God as I knew Him based on my years of education and self learning. I had studied the Bible from front to back and knew it very well! I was born in the buckle of the Bible Belt and had been given the best education any man could ask for in the ways of God. I would have stood toe to toe with anyone and debate the character and nature of God. My words would have been full of truth, but I was deceived!

I pray that there will be those who can simply read these words and accept God for who He is without the experience of Job or myself. This God offered is not a God of comfort and ease! However, He is the true and living God! A Jealous Lover who will fight for His bride, even when she is in the adulterous arms of another lover (Satan). Although the life He offers His child while here on earth may not be filled with pleasure and ease, the end of that child's life will be in the everlasting arms of his Blessed Redeemer and Friend.

The enemy will continue to offer you rest and peace back where you came from, and oh how tempting it can be. Not unlike the temptation of the Israelites to return to the “comforts” of three square meals in Egypt. There they knew they had a shelter, food, and water. But God led them out to a wilderness full of terror, uncertainty, and oft times pain. It was HOT, miserable, and dry, and all they had to go on was the word of a man named Moses.. Their road was hard and they often went astray, but God did not fail in His promise to give them The Promised Land and He will not fail his child today!

God is speaking once again and He is calling out to His bride. He offers his bride to come away with Him to a place a pure intimacy and romance. Unfortunately we are so caught up in our love for the 'half god” we have been taught that we refuse to go to Him. We love a god we can predict based on our knowledge and understanding of. We bask in the warmth of knowing if we serve Him at his “church” and obey His laws, then we can expect a life of blessings and comfort. It is a life we can control and it is what our American Christianity is built on.

Praise God He is patient and long suffering! He has been calling to us for many years, but we have still refused to listen. Thankfully, He will not be stopped and He cannot be turned away from His pursuit of His wayward bride. He will not give up for He will not give away His most precious treasure. He is going to break through and He will use whatever means He must to get our attention.

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Remember though, He will only give Himself to the ones who truly want Him with all their hearts. Those who confess to want Him, He will surely test their resolve. We will face trials more difficult than we can dream. We will lose our cool and demand answers from God. For the way to God is vigorous and hard, it is narrow and difficult to navigate, and only a few will find it.

(Mathew 7:14) However, those who pursue Him with a relentless passion as Job did, WILL FIND HIM! Sometimes the pursuit will require an all out sprint! Other times the pursuit will require you to be willing to sit and “wait upon the Lord.” When we are finished with our wrestling and our accusations, He will come like a whisper in the midst of the storm and He will speak to us.

He will reveal Himself in a glorious way that will cause us to bow our heads in humility and surrender our entire beings to Him. If we choose to refuse to chase Him with a relentless passion, then we will be like lukewarm water in His mouth and he will spit us out of His mouth (Rev 3:16). God has no place in His kingdom for a “half hearted” Christian (Luke 14:26-34). He demands and He requires our EVRYTHING! He requires us to turn from our own understanding of Him and not be afraid to come to Him with our tough questions. We must pursue Him with our all, even our frustrations.

He wants all of our emotions and our love. He wants us to come to Him with our everything, including the “negative stuff in our lives.” He is not afraid of our questions or our frustrations and He is not unapproachable when we have hard things to ask. He wants all of us! When we are willing to surrender all of ourselves to Him, then He in return will give us all of Him. Then we will be like Job and be able to say, “Thank You Daddy! Before this time, I had only heard of You and Your amazing glory, but now, I have seen You with my own eyes and what a glorious sight You are!”

When we reach that place, He will then allow us to see the world as He sees it. He will cause us to reflect His love as He shows us the depths of His love. The world will look on and be amazed by the outpouring of God through our lives. Job surrendered and God answered his deepest cry. God revealed Himself to Job and He will reveal Himself to all those He has chosen for His Son! Job had to lay all his earthly treasures at the feet of God and proclaim that the ONLY treasure he would hold as his reward was God. God became his everything! God was his silver and his gold. God was his food and his shelter. Job found his satisfaction in one thing and one thing only, God Himself.

God may have blessed Job with wealth beyond our imagination, but after his encounter with God he knew it was not because of anything he had done or could do. Rather, it was simply a gift from God and Job held it with open hands. He knew that at any given time, God could take it all away. However, Job now knew if God took it away it would be for the perfecting of his soul.

He was finally at a place he was truly satisfied with God alone. Job's former hope was found in his ability to please God. He found his validation in the blessings God poured out on his life. But after seeing God, Job's hope was now found solely in God Himself.

That is God's call to His people today. “Come and see Me in all My glory! Taste of My feast and know that it is good! I will not promise that the road will be easy! In fact, I promise you the pain of the cross! But the treasure at the end of the road is Me in all My glory and I will not leave you unsatisfied!”

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Final Thoughts

Now the final question is how do I wrap this all up?

The lessons I have learned about God and tried to relate to you from the story of Job does not even scratch the surface of who God is. What man could possibly fully understand or know the amazing glory of God (1 Corinthians 8:2-3)? There are layers upon of layers of information about God in the book of Job just like all the other books of the Bible. We will spend all of eternity learning of the depths of His glory and His plans. Even then I am sure I will be amazed and embarrassed by my foolishness when it comes to Him. None the less, I know what He has revealed to me has been vital to my life and I believe it is also vital to all His people who are living today.

As I have said, I am not a special person nor do I claim to hold the keys to all truth. I am just a man who God has chosen to be a part of His plan. That fact alone blows me away! Why would He use me, a man who is broken and battered? But He has and I am grateful that He has looked beyond my faults and chosen to allow me to be a part of His plans.

God chose to put me through a storm very similar to the one Job endured. He stripped me down until there was nothing left. It hurt very much as I lost what was my most prized possession, my Christian righteousness. I was so proud of my abilities to serve and follow God. When He revealed a deep inner darkness in me, I was humiliated and crushed. When He showed me His purpose in it all was to reveal to me more of Himself and the deception that binds His people, I got mad! Couldn't He have done it another way? The answer to that questions is “Sure!”, but He chose this way, therefore it must be perfect. His means and methods may not suit us or be to our likings, but His goal is always the same, to set His people free!

The initial premise of this writing was that I wanted to see more of God and have my family set free from a turmoil that was ripping us apart. I told God I would do “anything” to see that dream become a reality. As He opened my eyes to the darkness and deception that blinded us and kept us from being free, He simultaneously showed me that the very same thing was happening to His people. He also revealed that His desire is to see His people freed from the bondage of religious slavery that has blinded us to the unity He intends for us to share in Him. God asked if I would be willing to make a sacrifice to see my dreams come true. He asked a very high and difficult price to pay! I was left with no choice but to say yes to letting go of my son so my family could be freed from our chains. He reminded me that He had done no less than what He was asking of me. Graciously He spared me from having to endure that pain I dreaded so much, but in return, He crushed me in order to bring about a more glorious purpose.

It is too early to say what all will be done in my family through this. He has given me glimpses of hope but the path has been excruciatingly hard to walk. There has been much pain to endure and I am sure it has only just begun (Job 23:13-14)! Freedom always comes at a high price! My only hope is to hold to His truth that He will finish what He has started! (Philippians 1:5-7)

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Undoubtedly, you the reader will have many questions and maybe even concerns after reading this story. It would be so easy to get distracted from the main point by trivial debates like, “Can demons live in a Christians body?” We could carry on all day about that one thing.

However, that would be a mere distraction from what God is trying to say. That is NOT the point in my story. Did it happen? Yes! I have tried to find a Biblical basis on which to refute this possibility. Do you think this was not a major concern for me? It was! However, what I have found is there is absolutely no text in Scripture that says it cannot happen and there is no passage that says it can. We can pick out Scriptures and try and make them fit our beliefs on the issue, but there is none that are concrete on this issue. God used Satan to carry out His plans for Job and he allowed Satan to “have Job's body” but never his spirit or life. If God did this, then would it be beyond Him to use Satan's servants to carry out his purposes in His people? Do not take my word for it, rather, search out God through the Scriptures and ask Him to reveal Himself to you on this matter. Only His Word is worthy to be the foundation on which we stand.

To those who are struggling with the fact that God used Satan in Job's life, please remember what His final purpose was. What God did in Job's life was used to set Job free from a religious understanding and release Job to have a real relationship with His heavenly Father.

His ultimate goal in Job's life, and mine, was to reveal the fullness of His glory and in doing so, transform us into the image of His Son. That has been and always will be His purpose for everything that He does in our lives. If he chooses to use Satan to bring about His goals, then we simply need to accept that as reality and embrace the glory of the fact that nothing and no one is beyond God's control!

What God wants His people to know is the boundlessness of His power and control in our lives! He is far more complex that our vain imaginations can ever comprehend. He is too high for any religious system to contain and He is more glorious than any one man can describe. Once He determines to do something, like reveal Himself to His people, nothing can stop Him or thwart His plans. He can and does use anything (including Satan and demons) to accomplish His purpose of redeeming His people. He will not be stopped in this endeavor, not even by our lack of knowledge of Him and His ways. God is not limited by our understandings and He will not allow us to hold Him in any religious boxes we may think He must abide in. That is just His simple truths through the book of Job! He will redeem the bride He has chosen for His Son! Praise God that His purpose is to redeem His people from their sin (Matthew 1:20-22)!

We should worship Him because He has determined to love His people even though we attempted to take His throne as our own (that is the core of all our sins!) Satan attempted to do that and He will forever pay for his crime by being separated from God. Praise be to God that through Jesus Christ we have been restored into a righteous estate and hope of standing before God without blemish! He has chosen us to be His sons and daughters and nothing will stop Him from making that a reality!

What God has shown me is that not only will nothing stop Him from His purposes, but that He is using everything to make His goals a reality. Every attempt Satan makes to make himself equal to God is actually part of God's ultimate plan. They are not some random acts or

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Satan being out of control, but rather each minute detail is perfectly in sync with His good pleasure. I may not like how He brings His will to pass, but now I see that it always brings about what I want the most which is to see God! Today His people are living under the same deception that blinded Job, Eliphaz, and the other two men. However, God is the one who has allowed Satan to infect us with this deception that blinds our hearts. We are living in a religion of righteous rules that is preached as a Gospel of Grace. Because we are certain that we hold the truth about God, we are unable to see that our understanding of God is blurred! We have the truths in the Bible, but our understandings have been twisted as the true image of God has been blurred!

The reason God has allowed this is simple. He has brought us through this journey of darkness so that one day He could burst forth in His radiant light, drawing His people unto Himself. God is a relational Being and He wants His people to know Him in all of His splendor and glory. He wants us to feel the fullness of His passion and love for us (Song of Solomon)! To bring this relationship to pass, He has used this plan over and over throughout time.

God allowed Satan to take the truths in Scripture and twist them, causing us to have an incomplete understanding of who God is. Satan used these twisted truths to harden the hearts of mankind against God, so that when He does appear in all His radiant glory, we would reject Him because He does not fit the picture we have of Him. But we must remember that this is ultimately a part of God's plan and He is making sure it is carried out to the final detail. When all is said and done, His chosen people will be set free when He reveals His glory to them and they will walk in oneness with Him. Those who reject Him and hold on to the god of their own understanding who has been taught through our religious systems will be cast away into complete darkness! This is His purpose and plan and no one nor anything can stop Him! Dear brothers and sisters, I urge you to seek after God! Do not take my word or any mans word as final truth! But rather, fall prostrate before God and ask Him to reveal Himself to you in His fullness. What He reveals, accept it and repent of your former ways of trying to bring God down to your level of understanding. No man can attain a real relationship with God through the journey of another man, however, God can use another man's story to open our hearts to see Him for who He really is. That is what He did for me through Julie's story and the story of Job. Oneness with Him can only come through a passionate pursuit of Him. Each individual child must pursue Him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength! Jesus made this pursuit possible through His sacrifice on the cross and He displayed for us what oneness with God looks like here on earth. He cleared the way for us to walk with God and see Him as He really is. We must open our entire beings, heart and mind, and embrace all of Him with no reservations. We can place no religious constraints on God and thereby limit Him to some form of our own understanding. God cannot, nor will He, be narrowed down to any ritual, law, or set of rules that we create for Him to exist in. He is God and all things are under His power and control. He has determined His ways and nothing will deter Him from accomplishing His purposes.

Today He is bursting forth again and will shatter this false image of Himself that Satan has erected! He is calling us away from our systems of rules and regulations that are nothing

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less than our own “golden calf” that we have erected and called God! The harsh reality is that we have been drawn away from a pure walk with Him and been led into a religion that resembles the temple and the Pharisees in the days of Jesus and also the Roman Catholic Church in the days of Martin Luther. Satan has deceived us by using our very own truths and has led us to set up a god of our own imagination! This god is preached and praised across America on a daily basis and we gather on weekends to lift up our hands in worship to him. The depths of this deception may not be very noticeable now, but the signs are clear and evident.

God is graciously calling His people to turn from our worship of this god and once again abide in His love. He is revealing Himself to His people across our country and is calling us back into a real and intimate walk with Him. He is not interested in the righteousness of our religion (doing all the right things and following a list of rules and laws), but rather, He desires the realness of a relationship with His people. If only we would listen to what Jesus was saying when he said, “I desire mercy(relationship), not sacrifice(religious righteousness)!” (Hosea 6:6, Matthew 9:13, 12:7). The life of relationship is the life Jesus displayed for us! That is the lesson God taught to Job and it is the one He is revealing to me. Amazingly, when one begins to live in this truth and walk in a relationship with God, the righteousness God requires will always follow as natural by product of the relationship!

I beg you, NO, I plead with you! Seek God out with all your heart. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you in all his glorious wonder. Do not be afraid of what method He may use to crush all your wrong beliefs about Him. Your religious walls must be removed before you can truly see Him! That is but a small price to pay for the prize that you will receive which is seeing God in all His glory! If you disagree with me, yet are drawn unto God by seeking His face to prove me wrong in my beliefs, then praise God! The purpose and goal is for you to be drawn closer to Him, not just agree with me.

If you are so fortunate to walk this path with Him and your walls crumble as you are drowning in despair, do not be afraid to ask God the tough questions that fill your mind! Do not be afraid to pursue Him with boldness! Would a Lover want any less from the one His heart burns passionately for? He wants His children to be honest and open with Him even when they are angry or hurt. He is not afraid of our emotional outburst! Rather, He invites His children to “come and reason with Him” (Isaiah 1:17-19) and He longs for that realness, that closeness with His people!

After you have endured the suffering of the cross and all your vain understandings of God have crumbled around you, sit and wait on God. After you have pursued Him with your questions and concerns, be still and wait for Him to answer. Do not settle for the words of any man or “spirit” that may offer you an answer to your questions as they can be tainted by the deception of the Devil. Rather, test every word that you hear by the Word of God and wait on God to come and visit you personally. If you wait on Him, He will surely come and reveal Himself to you. God has nothing to hide and in Him there are no secrets. He wants you to see Him in His fullness, but He will not give such a treasure to someone who will not pursue Him with all their heart!

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When He begins a work in you, molding you into the image of His Son, He will be faithful to complete that work. When He is finished, He will say, “Well done my faithful child! You pursued me with all that you are! Come now and enter into My presence and enjoy Me forever!”

When that day arrives, we will be able to look into His face and say, “Thank you Daddy!

Before now I had only heard about You through the stories of other men who had gone before.

Now, I have seen You and I will treasure You for all eternity!”

What a glorious day that will be!

I love you all as my brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus! May God bless you with the fullness of His Glory!

Your Brother, Ray Carman

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If you have read all the way to this point, then you are much braver than I. I can't hardly read all that I have written in these pages. Mainly because of the time involved. I am not a very patient person. I apologize for my lack of knowledge in the English language. I never was very good at English in school. So to you who endured all the way through, I tip my hat!

I currently reside in TN with my family. I enjoy spending as much time as possible with my wife and kids. My greatest joy is to study God and fellowship with other believers who are passionate in their pursuit of Him. You can read more articles on my website, RazorRaysWorld.com (you will have to thank Craig Kendall for that domain name. It has an long story behind it!) If you would like to contact me with any thoughts or questions, you can do so at RayCarman@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading and may God bless you with His Glory!

Your Brother, Ray

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