V) wishing

“The skeleton was happy as a madman who’s straitjacket had been taken off. He felt liberated at being able to walk without flesh. The mosquitos didn’t bite him anymore. He didn’t have to cut his hair. He was neither hungry nor thirsty, hot nor cold…” 42

42 Leonora Carrington, The Skeleton’s Holiday (London, Penguin Classics, 1988) 45.

My only regret is that she didn’t take me with her. There were plenty of opportunities.

I was still afraid to fly when she was first diagnosed. It only took one turbulent winter flight to her specialty hospital in Chicago to sign a death wish.

My book flew across the plane, the cabin went dark, She squeezed my hand.

I looked at her half smile and downward turned eyes hoping for it too. At least we would be together. In that moment, and every other plane trip after, I begged to fall from the sky. That would not be fair for the other passengers.

The feeling is less immediate now. I walk through the city carelessly in my colorless daze with the invitation for trouble plastered to my back. A double decker and I 43 almost collide because I still don’t know which way to look. My fight or flight response must be broken because I don’t even flinch. Unfortunately I am still here, and I cannot help but wonder why. Even Frankenstein’s monster killed himself in the end. Before he does though, his last soapbox resonates with me the most:44

“Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.” 45

Wishing does not include action. I am self aware enough to know that death causes more pain than it ends. I have children in my life. To put onto them what the world has onto me would be heinous. But still I wonder where She is, and when I will get to see Her again…

“How mutable are our feelings, and how strange is that clinging love we have of life even in the excess of misery!” 46

43

The Smiths, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (Manchester: WEA Records, 1986) “And if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side well the pleasure and the privilege is mine…”

Spoiler alert

44

45 Shelley, Frankenstein, 260.

46 Shelley, Frankenstein, 261.