My grace is sufficient for you

Those exact words came as thoughts in my mind, but I knew they were not my own. Immediately, I felt humbled and at peace.

God did not promise to heal me or send someone to look after me so I could be Malaysian Sleeping Beauty for the rest of my life. But He promised to sustain me if I walked with Him. Even though I did not understand why it had to be this way, what He offered felt like sweet relief because it reminded me that I did not have to do this in my own strength.

The following week, I received a pay rise at work. I felt really uncomfortable with this because I had not told them about my ongoing struggle. I called a meeting with my boss and told her everything. She thanked me for my honesty and said she would have to discuss with the CEO, but to expect some kind of performance management; because while we have a flexible work policy, we were not that flexible.

A couple of days later, my boss rang me with an update. The CEO appreciated my integrity and decided not only to follow through on the pay rise, but also to adjust my KPIs so I would not be overwhelmed, AND ordered me to take a full week of paid leave (without drawing my annual leave). I was shocked. I honestly expected to be fired. Or at least disciplined. But I experienced neither. My boss, who had been with the company for many years, told me that she was also surprised by the CEO’s response. I took the week off and went to Whitsundays with my friend, and that intense season of fatigue left.

Thankfully, I have not experienced fatigue at that level since. Looking back, I can see the impact that situation has had on my faith and reliance on God’s goodness, and it deepened my understanding of God’s sustaining grace. It also changed my understanding of the often quoted scripture in Jeremiah 29:11 God’s ideas of prospering me are often different from my own.

As the only Christian in my company, I thought God was going to help me stand out by producing great results like Joseph in Egypt; instead, He helped establish me as a person of integrity in a field where integrity is often in short supply. While I still live with chronic fatigue and occasionally envy the “normal” people who actually get to wake up with energy, I am reminded constantly that my life is not my own. I am not here to fulfil my own ideas of success, or pursue my own ambitions, and sometimes it might even appear that I fall short of God’s standard of excellence. But in all these things, my life is a living testimony of God’s goodness and He writes the story best.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)