Horror-scopes

by VANEEZA JAWAD & illustrated by CHARLIE TO

Scorpio

Okay: it felt too good to be true, and you fell for it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. At least this’ll give you the perfect opportunity to self-victimise, which we all know is your second favourite hobby — right after mentally capturing your friends’ concerned faces after your regularly scheduled, nonchalant trauma dumps. This is your birthday present from the universe. Yay!

Sagittarius

You’ve had a good month so far these transits have somehow allowed you to experience life as someone with slick communication skills, which you’ve obviously wasted on being the most annoying person in all of your classes. Like, we get it. You’ve been doing your readings. That’s all about to change, though: Jupiter, your ruling planet, begins its month-long retrograde on the 28th, so enjoy these last few days of feeling normal. Well, as normal as you can feel as a Sagittarius.

Capricorn

Guess what? The worst is over! You can finally come out of your little protective, monogrammed cocoon this week. The bad news is, you’ve effectively been replaced by your talking stage. Who knew not texting back has its ramifications? Well, now you know!

Aquarius

If — by some miracle of nature — you manage to secure a Halloween party invite despite how you’ve been treating your friends, stick to what you know and go as a ghost. Your last situationship is doing infinitely better than you. Why not reach out again and ruin their life a little? It’s only what you do best.

Pisces

If there’s anyone who should spend reading week reading, it’s you. You’ve been avoiding work a little too much, and it’s bound to catch up with you. This week, try not to run after people. Allow yourself to be chased, even though no one’s interested.

Aries

You’ve been louder than usual lately and it’s making people like you more. Who would’ve thought? Certainly not us. You might feel the urge to be more vocal about how you feel about a relationship you’re in. It may be hurtful, but you need to say it. Things are going to get so, so, so much worse before they get better.

Taurus

First of all, stop spending so much on things you don’t need. Why do you have a whole Pret subscription to yourself? Split it with your friends like a normal person. How you plan this month affects everything. Ask yourself; do I want to graduate with a first or a third? And then do what it takes to get what you want.

Gemini

Not to sound too gleeful, but this isn’t anxiety; you’re absolutely correct to feel this way. Something’s going to happen at work and you’re going to hate it. Fortunately, you were born to thrive in the most annoying of circumstances. Make a little ruckus, as a treat.

Cancer

Tonight’s full moon in Scorpio is bound to reopen old family wounds, but when has that ever truly bothered you? Allow yourself to be emotional this week, but do it with discipline. Stop ignoring the inner work you’ve been putting off. Nothing else is going to satisfy you.

Leo

We are literally in the midst of a cost of living crisis. I’m going to need you to lock your Apple Pay and live like a normal person. Also, there’s nothing wrong with your hair: this is objectively the worst time to change up your appearance. Wait till Christmas.

Virgo

With Mercury retrograding, you’ve been in and out of hell this month. And guess what? It gets worse! You may end up saying some hurtful things this week — yes, worse than usual — if you’re not constantly on guard. It sounds exhausting, I know, but it’s the universe’s way of reminding you what you truly are: mean!

Libra

I don’t know how to put this nicely, but you need to get over whatever you’ve been obsessing over and put that energy into actually writing your formatives, because it’s not looking good right now. This week, be careful who you share your feelings with. Not everyone wants the best for you.