Interview with a Tortoise by Kathy Holzapfel

Interview with a Tortoise by Kathy Holzapfel

I recently moved to rural, central Georgia and discovered that my sandy, three-acre hill is the perfect habitat for the endangered/threatened Gopher Tortoise. I have 7 active burrows in my yard with tortoises ranging from 2 to 15 inches in shell diameter. When I'm writing on the porch, I get to watch these guys graze on my lawn. It's extremely serene...

Except for the morning I found the neighbor's dog out back, tossing around a hockey puck. After hubby chased the dog off, he discovered the puck was a baby tortoise, that we nicknamed Donatella. Here's my interview with that tiny, rescued tort.

Donatella: I'm not tiny. I'm condensed. I'm dynamite, stuffed in a shell, with a short fuse. Me: Okay, so-Donatella: I'd also like the record to reflect that I was locked in combat that day. The dog was this close to crying 'uncle.' Then your husband interfered. Me: Interfered? We thought you were dead. Until I put you in a box and you peed. Donatella: Do not tell anyone that. Tell them I was puking after a fierce fight. Show them my WARRIOR tattoo. Me: I took a picture of you next to my hand, for size reference, but I don't see any tats. Donatella: (mumble, mumble) You're lucky I didn't bite all your fingers off. Me: Right. Anyway, once you started moving around, I took you back outside. Donatella: Yup. You couldn't keep me since I'm protected under the Endangered Species Act. Me: I put you near a small, abandoned burrow, hoping it would provide shelter until you fully recovered, but you didn't go in right away. I was worried. Donatella: It was a bluff. I wanted to lure the dog back in, so I could finish kicking it's @ss. Me: I checked several times, but you hadn't moved. Then...you just disappeared. D

onatella: Hey, I'm a ninja tortoise. I move like smoke. I can disappear into thin air. Or thick air. You should sleep with one eye open.