Are You Terrified Of Moving On

Moving on after loss can seem impossible when it’s happening to you. Whether you are moving through a divorce, or grieving your partner passing, the process is diff erent for everyone. You do have to allow yourself time to grieve, otherwise all you do is put it behind a brick wall, and at some point that brick wall is going to come down. If you are stuck in the grief holding pattern, and the idea of moving on is still incredibly daunting, let’s look at some ways to help make the steps to moving on a little easier.

MOVING ON AFTER DIVORCE

The first step in recovering from a divorce is to give yourself permission to take the time that you need to heal. During this time, you may also want to consider speaking with a counsellor or joining a support group - divorce is a lonely experience, but that doesn’t mean that you need to go through it alone!

Let blame and bitterness go. Regardless of who initiated the split, it’s important to recognise the futility of blame. If you fi nd yourself consumed by bitter thoughts – or grief, if you were the one left – you must recognise that it is happening.

Some people find putting everything they’re feeling and experiencing into writing can be helpful. For others, just talking it through with close friends is enough. Otherwise, it’s best to turn to a professional. An experienced therapist can give you coping tactics and help you find a path forward if you’re deeply hurt and unable to move on with your life.

Accept what you can and cannot control. There are always going to be things out of your control, and any attempt on your part to change that will inevitably result in further frustration and unhappiness. Many initiators of late-life divorce are taken aback by the sudden animosity of their former in-laws, or other extended family.

Recognise that this is out of your hands. You can’t control what your ex-spouse or anyone else says, thinks or does, but you can control your reactions. Remind yourself that if they decide to be bitter, or angry, that’s their decision. It needn’t stop you from moving on with your life.

Reframe your thinking. It’s easy to see your past marriage through a negative lens. Words such as “failure” or “waste” may be cropping up in your mind over and over. Thinking like this is not only pointless, it’s harmful for your mental health and prevents you from moving on and making the most of your future. Your marriage was an important part of your life, and a valuable experience. Just because it didn’t last forever doesn’t make it a failure.

Get to know yourself again. It’s easy to end up suppressing certain elements of oneself when in a long-term relationship, even subconsciously. Try writing a list of all the things you’d have liked to do whilst married, but couldn’t, or wouldn’t. Next to that, list all the things you will never, ever do again, now that you’re single after all these years. Looking at these lists side by side will give you a clearer picture of who you are now and where you might be going.

Take stock of your health. Your physical health is the basis for everything else and as we get older, we can no longer take our health for granted. As tempting as it may be to give in to comfort eating, excess drinking etc. to get through the stress of a divorce, resist! Regular exercise, good eating habits and plenty of rest will improve your mood and overall outlook.

Climb “The Fear Ladder”. “The Fear Ladder” is a popular approach in cognitive behavioural therapy. It means overcoming any anxieties that you may have in small, manageable steps. If you’d like to reach out and make new friends, but are uncomfortable in social situations, then take it slowly.

Firstly, read about events you would like to attend online, and look at the pictures. Next, go along with a friend by your side. Then go again with a friend, this time mingling among others.

Finally, go alone and introduce yourself. Seek out adventure. This is the best part. You are now freer than you have been in many years, so it’s time to have some adventures! Whether you take a new route home, book a cruise or attend a salsa class, trying something new every day, will keep your outlook fresh and your mind open to new experiences – maybe even new relationships. Recapturing your sense of independence and adventure is the key to leaving the past behind – and making the most of whatever lies ahead.

Moving On If Your Partner Passes

You probably feel as though you will never recapture what you had, but at some point, you need to come to terms with it and begin to move on. Don’t give up. Experience the pain of grief. Unfortunately, the only way to overcome grief is to move with and through it daily as the feelings ebb and flow.

The person who avoids grieving may even suff er from some form of depression or physical problems. Fully experiencing the pain – most often through tears or some form of expression – provides genuine relief. Adjust to your environment.

You may be assuming some of the responsibilities and social roles formerly fulfi lled by your deceased loved one. If you dread coming home to an empty house, you may want to consider the possibility of enjoying a pet or including some new routines that give you comfort.

Increase your time in nature, increase your use of music and make regularly scheduled phone calls to close friends to adjust to life on your own. Invest in healthy and life-giving relationships. Many people feel disloyal or unfaithful if they find enjoyment in social life or form new attachments.

Remember that the goal is not to forget your loved one; it is to reach the point where you can remember and honour without being halted in your own living.

New friendships allow you to progress as a person with a hope and future even though your loss still hurts at times. You may feel like you want to hide away from the world forever and the thought of moving on might be the furthest thing from your mind, but it’s important not to be hard on yourself.

If you want to move on, consider seeking out a recovery program off ered by a local church or perhaps setting aside a few hours weekly to journal, or refl ect on your grief personally and seek counselling. Trust that time does heal and that you can do this.