facebitch
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Mark Whothefuckerberg?
There are 845 million Facebook users. Facebook, generally, is quite a good way to keep in touch with old school friends, distant-for-a-reason family members and of course stalk your ex’s. You can ‘like’ your favourite celebrity and begin a rigorous stalking process that ends in restraining orders and shame. But most importantly Facebook is about pissing people off. And most users, do it so very well. Here are the things that happen on Facebook that make me contemplate suicide. Whilst, of course, maintaining enough eloquence to convey them to you.
facebitch
1
Whenever you’ve pissed this friend off, expect a ridiculous update of: ‘some people are such dickheads’. The humorous aspect being, if the dispute they had was with you, and they’ve kept you on their friends list, odds are? They want you to see this. They may as well tag you, but they think that putting ‘some people’ shields the backlash. Keeps them safe in a tiny little cocoon. Well guess what bitch? I’m breaking your cocoon and outing the fact that putting statuses like this just make you look like a dribbling weasel.
2
facebitch
We’ve all got that one friend on Facebook that updates every few seconds with mindless bullshit. When Facebook asks you ‘what are you thinking?’ they don’t really mean; tell me about your divorce or that creepy Uncle Lennard who used to stroke you like a cat in the middle of the night. What it means is- say if you’re having a few beers with some friends, enjoying the day, having fun in Kavos. Not crying whilst masturbating to a cookbook, because the fact is? No one gives a shit. If you’re life is so endlessly difficult that you need to write a status expressing that emotion? Go outside. Talk to people. Maybe even put some clothes on. It’s laughable. But at the same time, don’t stop because reading your disclosed misery helped me to write this.
the ‘some people’ friend
facebitch
3
Whenever you’ve pissed this friend off, expect a ridiculous update of: ‘some people are such dickheads’. The humorous aspect being, if the dispute they had was with you, and they’ve kept you on their friends list, odds are? They want you to see this. They may as well tag you, but they think that putting ‘some people’ shields the backlash. Keeps them safe in a tiny little cocoon. Well guess what bitch? I’m breaking your cocoon and outing the fact that putting statuses like this just make you look like a dribbling weasel.
the ‘too much free time’ friend
2
facebitch
We’ve all got that one friend on Facebook that updates every few seconds with mindless bullshit. When Facebook asks you ‘what are you thinking?’ they don’t really mean; tell me about your divorce or that creepy Uncle Lennard who used to stroke you like a cat in the middle of the night. What it means is- say if you’re having a few beers with some friends, enjoying the day, having fun in Kavos. Not crying whilst masturbating to a cookbook, because the fact is? No one gives a shit. If you’re life is so endlessly difficult that you need to write a status expressing that emotion? Go outside. Talk to people. Maybe even put some clothes on. It’s laughable. But at the same time, don’t stop because reading your disclosed misery helped me to write this.
facebitch
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the ‘let’s have it’ friend
4
facebitch
It’s just embarrassing but we all know them. There’s one friend (or set of friends) that will have a public argument over Facebook. Most of the time, over something painfully unimportant, too. Getting charged behind the keyboard (I imagine when the perpetrators do this, they listen to Lil Wayne and slap their partners around a bit just to get in the zone). There is no solution to this problem and most other users don’t think it much of a problem at all. Just sit back and tuck into the popcorn. Some of these incidences can go on long into the night with ‘yeahhhhh well ur a bitch cos ur bfffff told me uuuu used 2 milk ur cat’. Leading me on to..
the ‘too many letters’ friend
It’s a well known fact that in Chile, a child dies every time someone doesn’t spell something correctly. I should know, I kill them. But seriously, I do find myself in a state of complete confusion. You choose to update your status and CHOOSE to misspell it. Have I missed something? Does adding an extra ‘h’ at the end of ‘yeah’ make you some sort of hip young person? Is that what the goal is? Maybe adding that extra ‘h’ gives off the impression that you’re too cool to care about poor grammar and sloppy syntax. Do you sit in front of your keyboard shooting up, praising yourself on the efforts it took to mess up the years of education you’ve endured? Or maybe you’re just a fool. And for that, poor little Nwandwe died.
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Pun
nch
the ‘funny’ friend
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facebitch
the ‘funny’ friend
10
facebitch
I identify as an entertaining Facebook user. I either put humorous rubbish up that entertains my friends or I generally don’t. I do not take the ‘what’s on your mind’ question as an invitation to discuss chaffing though I have discussed shaving. It’s a spectrum, humour, and most would say that what is deemed to be funny is subjective and not entirely noted as universally funny. But we know what’s not funny, and that is often conveyed with ease. A funny status would be: ‘Something got lodged in my throat so when I went to compliment a woman on the train about her beautiful baby, I growled it whilst sweating with a dark purple face’. Now that’s funny. Why is that funny? Because it just is. ‘My cat fell into the microwave and I watched it’s eyes pop like warm champagne lol’. Well, that’s not. Adding ‘lol’ does not encourage humour to just- happen. You need to have that grace, air about you. Maybe a hat.
facebitch
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the ‘political activist’ friend
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facebitch
I’m going to repost this picture of a beaten child covered in blood because if I don’t the surgeon won’t operate on her. I’m going to share the Joseph Kony and Invisible Children video. Bitch, sharing something doesn’t overthrow an evil dictator, it just makes Kony sit back and go; ‘w… what are you doing?’. And you know it’s tough when an evil dictator is laughing at you. People that post millions of photos and videos telling people to ‘wise up’ to things that they either are ill informed about or literally no one gives a shit about. Kentucky Fried Cruelty? Well, it’s sad and all that the chickens are stamped on but Colonel Saunders’ moistening chicken takes the pain away.
facebitch
13
You posted a Stevie Wonder song. You said ‘Dad this one’s for you’. NO. NO. NO. This isn’t for you ‘Dad’ because actually, I’m not a DJ. I’m not famous, I need not post dedications to a friend count of sixty. Jesus, it’s just wrong. Posting hundreds of photos of yourself in costumes, suits and random articles of slutty clothing. You are not a model because you have instagram, you’re an instawhore and that’s all there is to it. There really is no need to share every aspect and make open statements though you think anyone’s interested. I’m interested in Persian cats and Jigglypuff. Do you share those? No? Then sit down. Stop with the taglines at the end of your status. Saying goodnight at the end of a Face-fest is cringey enough but saying ‘love you rock, paper, scissors, grandma’ is ridiculous.
14
facebitch
The attention seekers, the crybabies, the whiners, the whingers and ne’er doers get me here. They’ll post a status with; ‘I’m so sad, can’t believe that’s happened!’ imploring an outcry of ‘ooh what’s happened?’ which is met with; ‘don’t wanna talk about it’. You don’t want to talk about it? Mighty suspicious view that, if you just posted something ambiguous relating to it.
the ‘look i’m famous’ friend
facebitch
15
You posted a Stevie Wonder song. You said ‘Dad this one’s for you’. NO. NO. NO. This isn’t for you ‘Dad’ because actually, I’m not a DJ. I’m not famous, I need not post dedications to a friend count of sixty. Jesus, it’s just wrong. Posting hundreds of photos of yourself in costumes, suits and random articles of slutty clothing. You are not a model because you have instagram, you’re an instawhore and that’s all there is to it. There really is no need to share every aspect and make open statements though you think anyone’s interested. I’m interested in Persian cats and Jigglypuff. Do you share those? No? Then sit down. Stop with the taglines at the end of your status. Saying goodnight at the end of a Face-fest is cringey enough but saying ‘love you rock, paper, scissors, grandma’ is ridiculous.
the ‘look at me’ friend
14
facebitch
The attention seekers, the crybabies, the whiners, the whingers and ne’er doers get me here. They’ll post a status with; ‘I’m so sad, can’t believe that’s happened!’ imploring an outcry of ‘ooh what’s happened?’ which is met with; ‘don’t wanna talk about it’. You don’t want to talk about it? Mighty suspicious view that, if you just posted something ambiguous relating to it.
facebitch
15
Now I’m all for Facebook-freedom in the stricter sense but these previous eight perpetrators? Well, you should just be flat out banned from this. Or placed in a coop somewhere in a zoo where we can point, and laugh and throw items at.
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