Guild Awards!

We are pleased to announce that Redbrick is going to the Guild Awards!

We have been nominated for: Ian King Society of the Year Award Members' Choice Award to practice cricket with him, and maybe he will get better, otherwise he might begin a passionate affair with his cricket coach and end up vandalising a beige Morris Minor.

Ta-ra pet, Auntie Anna xoxox

Auntie Anna – I need your help. I think my housemate is stealing food from me. What should I do?

Hiya Pet,

Thanks for the question! This reminds me of the time I was scouted for a pickpocketing ring when I was popping down the shops to get my second carton of ciggies for the week. His name was Fagin (he had the same ginger beard that the character did) and he walked with a limp. He picked me because of my dynamite body that works well to attract men outside the corner shop, the place where it happened.

I took to pickpocketing quite quickly because I’m a natural flirt, who can make conversation with just about anyone apart from that daft cow Sandra. Anyway, I used to start off my batting me eyes at the men who were coming out of the shop. They thought I was just any other girl. But they didn’t know bloody Auntie Anna. Keeping eye contact was the best way to hold their attention, whilst I went into their pockets, reaching around for anything big for me to grab, if you know what I mean. I would never take loads, so they wouldn’t know they had been nicked.

I quicky rose through the ranks of the syndicate until I was tipped to overthrow Fagin. My plan was to trick Fagin into pickpocketing Sandra who knew it would happen, so he would be caught in the act. But that cow Sandra messed it up and Fagin got away with her entire purse.

To cut a long story short, Fagin found out about my coup and I had to flee the gang. I think you need to tell your housemate that stealing your food is not ok, otherwise you might end up having to go into witness-protection to escape a gang of angry pick pocketers led by a ginger man with a limp .

Ta-ra, Auntie Anna xoxox

Dear Auntie Anna, I need your help. I am worried about losing contact with my friends over the holidays. How do I keep in touch with them?

Hiya Darling,

Thanks for the question. This reminds me of when I kept in touch with my internet boyfriend, Brendan Hollywood. My daughter Katherine, who by the way needs to do something new to her hair, got me an internet computer for a birthday. I started getting involved with racy Skype romps, which quicky led me to Brendan. His face would freeze all the time, but that didn’t matter because he had a smooth voice like Terry Wogan. We would meet every week after my Pilates class. I did think it was weird when he asked for my bank details, but I didn’t think too much of it because after Pilates I was looking to let off some steam.

After our romp finished, Brendan Hollywood would always say that he was busy working on his latest movie for him to come and see me in person. I couldn’t believe I was having passionate romps with a movie star, and when I told my daft cow of a sister Sandra she got really jealous, which is always a bonus.

The last time I saw Brendan was quite strange, because he said he had to leave Hollywood and quit the business. The last thing he said to me was asking me to send him some money for his journey, which I was happy to do even if it seemed strange to send him £10,000 for a short trip. I never saw Brendan again, I can only assumed the plane crashed. I think you should make a point of saying to your friends about keeping in touch over the holidays. Maybe arrange some Zoom calls so you can all keep in touch. I’m sure they are feeling the same way, and would want to keep in touch with you as well because you seem like a lovey person, petal. And remember, friendship goes two ways!

Ta-ra, Auntie Anna xoxox