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redwood high school ● 395 doherty dr., larkspur, ca 94939 ● volume XXX, no. 0 ● April 1, 2019 ● www.redwoodbark.org

Bark fires all liberal writers, two staff members remain

By Dean Griffin and Emily Sweet

The Redwood Bark recently made the executive decision to fire any and all staff members with liberal mindsets. After spending excessive amounts of time defining what is “politically correct,” determining each student’s preferred pronouns and sketching devil horns and witch hats onto pictures of President Trump, the staff failed to write a single story in the entirety of the first semester.

As a result of their inability to produce any content, the Editors-in-Chief (EICs) have stepped down and terminated all liberal staff members out of what they are calling “respect for journalism.” The remaining students in the program, two moderately fiscal conservatives with socially liberal views, are preparing to take over the paper effective immediately.

Former Editor-in-Chief (EIC) Riley Sour believes the liberal nature of the paper has reigned supreme for many years, and in order to maintain a high journalistic standard, Bark must sway to the right in the coming years.

“Our publication has been too liberal for too long.

This has led myself and the other EICs to decide that Bark needs to actively recruit conservative writers and become a right-leaning publication in order to balance out the wrongdoings of the past,” Sour said. “Basically, we’ve been too left-leaning, so if we lean to the right for a little bit, our views will probably just cancel out.”

Originally, the EICs were hoping to inspire their liberal staff to write more conservatively rather than firing them altogether, but staff members were too distracted debating why gingerbread men are not called gingerbread people to care about writing articles. It was at this point that the EICs knew they had no option but to terminate them all.

“As our first conservative act, we decided to take a page from Donald Trump’s book and fire our entire staff.

We started with our higher up figures, the Banons, then Comeys and finally we took down the Spicers,” Sour said.

While many students were upset to be dismissed from Bark, student Baylor Charles is beyond devastated by the decision and its ramifications.

“It kind of sucks because the kitchen always had good snacks and I was hoping this would look good on my college apps. I guess I’ll join Yearbook to make up for it,” Charles said.

Students outside of the program around Redwood are reacting to the cuts with mixed emotions. For one senior, John Phoenix, Bark’s recent staff reduction is great news—even better than finding out Peer Resource has been banned from playing “Shine the Light” at any more rallies.

Photo by Emily Sweet

AFTER MONTHS OF wasted class time spent defacing doodles of President Trump, the Bark failed to produce any stories in the first semester. After terminating all liberal staff members, they are now actively seeking new reporters.

“As an avid and well-known Bark hater, I fully support paper, and is hoping to take some inspiration from his their decision. The bias in the paper was really getting favorite publication, Breitbart News. really out of hand—especially in the opinion section,” “Right now, the only similarity between Breitbart Phoenix said. and Bark is that they kind of rhyme. Moving forward, on Despite Phoenix’s support for a more conservative behalf of RCC and myself we’d like to see that changed,” Bark, he still remains indifferent about the program.

Newberry said.

“In all honesty, it doesn’t really make a difference to The Redwood Bark is actively seeking new me because I don’t plan on reading the Bark either way,” conservative reporters. If you are interested, please come Phoenix said. “Unless I see real change from the Bark, I’m to Room 177 during fifth or sixth period. You must own gonna stick to getting my news from my little brother’s at least one “Hillary for Prison” shirt and be prepared to friend’s teammate’s aunt’s friend.” publicly oppose Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony. Note: Malcolm Newberry, head of Redwood’s chapter of you do not have to understand the nuances of the GOP. the Notable Republican Activists (NRA) and one of the remaining reporters in the Bark, has high hopes for the bark@redwoodbark.org

Communist Club takes over school, puts the ‘red’ in Redwood

By Morgan Salzer On Saturday, March 30, the Communism Club gained total control over the school. Fear was running rampant among admin and students alike as word of the new power spread. However, little action was taken in regards to thwarting the initial takeover, according to senior Joe Stalline, PR manager for the club.

“It was pretty disappointing, actually.

I mean, we’ve been planning this whole coup d’etat thing for over two years and when we finally put into action, admin just kind of laid down and let us do our thing.

The principal kept muttering something about ‘avoiding controversy’—he even gave us what I’m pretty sure is a master key,” Stalline said.

After barricading themselves in the principal’s office, the club’s first move was blocking all internet connection from the school wifi. Exempt from this rule, of course, was their own website, a digital copy of the Communist Manifesto and a YouTube video titled “Why Adam Scott sucks butt,” which lasts three hours and 47 seconds.

In an attempt to reduce the school’s expenditures, the club has taken on generating their own power. They settled on a Mao Zedong-like form of production and have been burning loose change,

anyone with braces and ugly cars. In other news, the parking situation has finally been fixed. This recent victory has earned the new power an adamant follower, recent North Korean exchange student, Yoon Lee. “Before coming here, I spent weeks studying Californian culture so I could fit in. I bought a surfboard, started saying ‘hella’ and following the Church of Veganism. Now that I’m here, though, I realize that it’s not so different than back home, just a little sunnier,” Lee said.

Like Lee’s home government, the club has been continuously producing its own internal propaganda. Most recently has been a game they have dubbed “Find Fidel.” Whoever is the first to find all seven Fidel Castro cardboard cutouts placed around the school will be given the rations of the regime’s enemies. According to the club’s website, this will “generate a more malleable body to rule over,” and “reduce masses in an already overpopulated school.”

Besides Lee, the rest of the student body has reported being unhappy with the current way the school is being run.

Multiple clubs have dedicated themselves to finding a way to return the school back to normal. Through studying history and talking to professional anti-communists, various solutions have been created in regards to defusing the situation. Still,

Photo by Morgan Salzer

TAKING OVER THE school without much opposition, the Communism Club now has supreme power over Redwood. admin refuses to listen to any of these So far, the survey has garnered no clubs and have even gone as far as to results, and the Communism Club remains place a ban on all forms of student action. in power.

Principal Savid Dondheim commented on The club is currently conducting tryouts this situation. for a legion of secret police. Tryouts will be “We want to hear the student voice, held in the small gym during third period we really value it. That is why we have until this coming Wednesday. The names sent around a survey to everyone in the of those who made the cut will be posted Redwood community,” Savid Dondheim outside of room 107 by Thursday, April 4. said. “You can try to talk to me about solutions not on the survey, but I will not be listening. I have a superhuman ability to literally invert my ears at any given moment, kind of like Superman.” msalzer@redwoodbark.org

bark Page 2 • News No minor task: Pedo Popo takes down predators

By Neva Legallet The Mill Valley Police Department (MVPD) has recently hired a team of Tamalpais High School (Tam) students who were formerly conducting their own freelance work to snag pedophiles lurking on Tinder. The four boys pose as underage girls on the dating app in order to attract the attention of older men and subsequently expose their not-so-kid-friendly tendencies. The MVPD has attempted to monitor sex offenders, but after admitting that the boys had been exponentially more successful, they created an official division, the Pedo Popo, and hired the four as deputies.

MVPD is grateful for the addition of fresh faces, and a spokesperson for the department said that the team will be given access to the entirety of the police force’s resources if necessary, including weaponry.

“By no means are these boys too young to handle the broad range of deadly resources we have at our disposal.

They’ve proven themselves adept with the intricacies of online dating, which more than qualifies them to utilize anything from a drug dog to a TASER,” the spokesperson said.

Senior officers are overseeing the Pedo Popo division, but won’t be interfering with any of their activities as their methods have proven to be wildly lucrative. Officer I. Don Utnoe is supervising the majority of their efforts.

“I don’t understand most of it, but they’re very good at determining precisely which direction to swipe,” Utnoe said. “Personally I’m directionally-challenged—can’t even follow a map—so they don’t need my fumblers mixed up in that high-tech work.”

The group passed initiation with flying colors, receiving freshly-printed shiny silver star stickers upon

Photo Illustration by Neva Legallet

DAZED BY THE complexities of Tinder, the Mill Valley police have resorted to hiring #relatable teens, considered wizards of the online romance scene.

April 1, 2019

completion. Sting operations are now aided by the rest of the police force, who assist in providing flirty banter for Tinder exchanges, and it is rumored that whoever can hit the right amount of “y’s” in the first “hey” will be promoted to the Pedo Popo division.

“We move in once they update their activity status, and the Pedo team made the case that that we needed Tinder Gold so we have unlimited Super Likes now. It’s a hightech operation for high schoolers, but we have the utmost faith in them,” Utnoe said.

The Pedo Popo have a well-established but occasionally haphazard method of snagging men seeking prepubescent girls, luring them with stock images of girls in tube tops and braces. They create Tinder bios specifically denoting underage users, typically accompanied by angsty song lyrics and middle school graduation years, carefully calculated with algorithms focused on maximum tween vibes. According to O’Joe Bryan, a senior in the Pedo Popo, emojis are key in these high-stakes exchanges.

“It comes down to the repartee,” Bryan said. “We once came close to using a blushing emoji instead of a winking one, and man, I swear I was sweating the pod juice of the JUUL I quit two months ago. That would have been the end.”

Junior Clement Cole said that the balance of overt flirtation and sexual innuendos is delicate, and even a veiled reference to a training bra could put some pedophiles over the edge before the Popo team is prepared to move in.

“Like, it’s not easy. Some of it’s basic online-dating stuff like waiting a couple of minutes to reply to a message, but not waiting an hour—we could lose them that way,” Cole said. “We use a lot of bad mirror selfies too, and we’ve found that cursive and emo fonts yield some good catches.”

The Pedo Popo’s success rate is at a whopping 110 percent after some pedophilic-inclined Tinder users voluntarily unmasked themselves to the team without prompting on their part, salivating over a winky face after the phrase “mature 4 my age” in a freshly posted bait bio.

The Pedo Popo’s official police work began April 1, 2019, and their offices can be found outside Starbucks next to the Mill Valley Safeway where Tam kids mysteriously appear around 4:21 p.m. nlegallet@redwoodbark.org

Admin cannot hear student complaints about new AirPod ban

By Maria Alexander On March 25, the administration sent an email to the student body outlining their new policy of banning Apple’s AirPods, cordless earphones that start at $700 per pod. The ban is scheduled to be implemented the following week and members of the student body are already taking measures to speak out against this rule, which they see as a violation of “rich kid rights.” Admin has responded to the pushback, defending their statement in another email saying that AirPods “serve as a mechanism for inequality, as they are a clear statement of excessive wealth.”

Senior Jessica Bratten, one of the leaders of the student opposition, has created a petition on change.org protesting the ban and believes that if students are allowed to possess other items that display wealth, such as Gucci belts and Louis Vuitton bags, they should be allowed to wear AirPods.

“I show off my family’s money every day when I bring my Hydro Flask to

school, you know, the one with the straw lid. I always have stuff like that, so in what world am I able to bring my MacBook Pro to school but not my AirPods?” Bratten said.

As a result of the ban, the Rich Kids Rights club is rapidly losing influence.

Many students such as Bratten expected them to take the lead in protesting against the ban. When called into action, however, the club was unable to take a stand because they had never learned how to do any real work. President of the club, senior Jade Olive, expressed her frustration with the policy and its outcomes.

“I’ve been so used to the club having power and the nice thing was that we never really had to do anything. What basically happened was that my mom was on a yacht in the Bahamas when the news broke, so she wasn’t able to help us bring our AirPods back,” Olive said. “It’s so rude that she wasn’t there to support me and my club during this awful time. My life is literally over and it’s all her fault.”

Although Olive’s mother was not able

Photo by Emily Sweet

TEACHERS HAVE ALREADY started to embrace the new AirPod ban and Mr. Butkevich has placed posters outside his classroom. to work out an agreement with admin to lift able to have my AirPods,” Olive said. “At the ban for her daughter’s “specific needs,” the end of the day, it’s just a really good Olive is not worried, as she is relying on feeling that Mom’s money was used to do a special lawyer her mother hired for the right thing.” $200,000 to demand that the school let her bring her AirPods back.

“Even though the ban isn’t lifted for all, I feel comfortable in that at least I will be malexander@redwoodbark.org

Photo Survey

Which Michael would win in a fight: Michael Cera, Michael Scott, Michael Jackson, Michael Douglas, Michael Buble, Michael B. Jordan, Michael Phelps or Michael Pence, and why?

“I think Michael would definitely win because, like, have you seen his thighs?”

Michael freshman

“I don’t want Michael to win because he hates the gays.”

Michael

sophomore

“Michael would win for sure because he could utilize his army of stans very efficiently.”

Michael junior

“Michael would win 100 percent because he is thicc af.”

Michael senior

Page 3 • News

www.redwoodbark.org

You Bet-o this Presidential candidate had an edge while visiting Redwood

bark

By Lily Baldwin After his recent announcement to run in the 2020 presidential election, candidate Beto O’Rourke made a visit to Redwood High School to kick off his campaign tour. O’Rourke, standing at 6’4” and only 46 years old, issued a schoolwide statement through his campaign manager regarding his reasons for visiting.

“Beto knows you are the next generation of voters, so he wants to address you directly and tell you what he’s all about. It’ll be chill; BYOB and good music. All are welcome to Beto’s kickback in the big gym at 11 a.m. on Thursday, March 28,” the email said.

According to senior Libby Rall, students expected O’Rourke to have a grand entrance with a motorcade, but were surprised when the politician instead rode into the gym on a skateboard wearing a Thrasher hoodie, pumping the music of Kodak Black.

“I at least expected him to wear a suit, but his tricks were kinda sick. Never seen a presidential candidate do a kickflip before,” Rall said.

Stopping to pose in front of a campaign poster, O’Rourke proceeded to introduce himself to the audience before taking questions from students.

“What’s good, Chillers? I’m Beto, my real name’s Robert but that sh*t’s kinda stuffy. You guys are the next generation, and your opinion is the only one that matters here. I’m easy, laid back and I like to hang with friends and watch the sunset,” O’Rourke said. “It’s all good vibes, and that’s what I want the next presidential term to be. Just good vibes all around.”

The crowd responded favorably to O’Rourke’s relaxed attitude. The former Congressman cracked open a Natural Light beer before taking questions from the audience.

Student questions ranged from O’Rourke’s favorite flavor of Four Loko to political issues such as gun control and his plans for economic stability. Some faculty members were frustrated with O’Rourke’s behavior, such as Vice Principal Rob Sponsible. “[O’Rourke] barely discussed real issues. I like a candidate who is serious and frugal. I can’t vote for someone who says ‘Nah bruh’ when asked if he has an opinion on the conflict between Israel and Palestine,” Sponsible said.

O’Rourke’s visit appealed to many students who plan to vote in the next election. The candidate made it simple for the new voters, telling them, “If you get confused by all the boxes and stuff, just pick my name, or write in ‘the woke one.’ They mean the same thing.”

The politician also made some sound points regarding issues some students brought up, saying that he plans to “go sicko mode on climate change” if elected.

The event reached a high point when O’Rourke removed

Photoillustration by Lily Baldwin

BETO SHOWS OFF his kickplip, at his Redwood Campaign rally in the gym hoping to gain the support of young voters. his sweatshirt to reveal a fresh tattoo across his abdomen, Patrick Schwarzenegger.” with the ink reading, “EDGY PREZ 4 ‘20,” a play on the Even some members of administration were on board year of the next Presidential Election as well as many with O’Rourke’s show, and expressed that his dramatic teens’ favorite time of day. The crowd went up in roaring ending was a selling point, according to a sexual health cheers and confetti fell from the ceiling as O’Rourke once therapist from the Wellness Center, Tohtiana Thurstree. again mounted his skateboard and did a lap around the “I would vote for that. That hair, those abs. I would put gym before exiting, giving the audience a playful middle him in office just to see him bussdown,” Thurstree said. finger on his way out. While faculty members seemed to “Make America sexy again.” recoil at the gesture, students continued to give a standing ovation for seven minutes after O’Rourke was gone.

“That really got me,” Rall said. “I love a guy who just doesn’t care. When he took off his sweatshirt to show off his sick tat, I kinda thought he looked like a Kennedy. Or lbaldwin@redwoodbark.org

Administration removes toilets from JUUL stalls

By Audrey Hettleman

It’s official: toilets are finally being removed from Redwood’s JUUL stalls.

Beginning on April 1, a construction crew will remove the waste disposal centers from the designated vape stalls in the bathrooms.

After receiving an overwhelming number of responses from students on a Google Survey indicating that the stench was impeding their ability to get a head rush, administration has finally relented. These

changes will affect the handicapped stalls in the main building and art bathrooms, and will result in a complete remodel of the new portables.

Freshman Olive Minte says she is happy with the change, as she never found Redwood’s atmosphere very welcoming to her habit.

“When I came to Redwood, I expected to find a welcoming community of fellow vapers, and while I did find that from the

Photoillustration by Audrey Hettlemen

STANDING IN SHOCK, freshman JUULer Olive Minte is anxious for the renovations to be finished.

students, admin has been very hostile towards our group,” Minte said. “The only place on campus we can JUUL is in the handicapped stalls of ‘the bathroom.’ It literally smells so bad in there that not even a full pod can drown out the odor.”

According to Minte, Redwood’s policies surrounding JUULing are also impacting her creativity.

“I just wanna show off my ‘ghosts’ Olive Minte, and ‘O’s,’ but I can’t freshman because I don’t wanna get caught. I can’t believe this kind of oppression is legal in today’s society,” Minte said.

Leadership approached admin about implementing a Google Survey after they received an increasing number of complaints surrounding the issue.

According to Vice Principal Sam Zagart, they received over 3,600 responses.

“I wasn’t expecting this kind of response on an issue such as this. Originally we were opposed to removing the toilets, but this survey changed our minds completely.

Administration really prides ourselves on listening to student voice, so if this many people are concerned about this situation, something has to be done about it,” Zagart said.

Similarly to Zagart, Minte said that this issue is important to many in the population,

and she made sure that her input was heard in the survey. She answered the survey 11 times, and convinced her friends to do the same.

Though no plan has been made as to where the toilets will be moved, both JUULers and administrators alike agree that this necessary change will be well worth it in the end.

Freshman Maddie Smoaks, president of pro-vape club EVRYBDYJUULS, hopes that this change will bring a lasting sense of acceptance to her and others who follow her lifestyle.

“Right now what we are really looking for is acceptance. It isn’t fair that we have to hide who we are, taking rips inside our sweatshirts in the middle of Social Issues,” Smoaks said. “My hope is that this change will generate conversation around the topic and eliminate the taboo of what we do, and hopefully encourage others to join the cause.”

Hoping to fuel the local economy, Redwood has brought in the same construction team as the one repairing the Bon Air Bridge. Completion of the project is set for 2023, and until then, both toilets and JUUL stalls will be out of commission.

I can’t believe this kind of oppression is legal in today’s society.

ahettlemen@redwoodbark.org

April 1, 2019 bark Page 4 • News Art dept. snack business up in smoke after THC discovered in merchandise

By Jack Parsons Cup Noodles. Chips Ahoy. Fruit Roll Ups. Blueberry Muffins. These sometimes organic, healthy snacks are amongst the list of foods that students—especially in ceramics, photography and art explorations—have been able to purchase from teachers to supplement a meager breakfast or lunch. Considered one of the perks of taking an art class, this privilege may be stripped from students indefinitely after six teachers were caught selling marijuana-laced snacks. Along with the ceramics and photography teachers, four social studies teachers were also recently found selling edibles in the form of their daughters’ Girl Scout cookies.

Edibles, which are THC-laced baked goods, are known for their especially potent qualities and ability to get someone extremely loaded. According to Gilbert Swine, the chief of the Middle Marin Police Department, over 400 packaged edibles were seized during the raid of

10 classrooms; they came in the form of reconstructed Cup Noodles, Pop Tarts, Oreos, Girl Scout cookies and even kale salads.

“When we tested the THC content of the seized [edibles], each had numbers ranging from 200-700 milligrams,” Swine said. “If you burn, you would know that edibles that strong could put a freshman on their ass.”

Reducing the chances of these edibles being mistakenly eaten is obviously a mission accomplished for any police department. However, these edibles will not be headed to the drug lab with the new laws regarding the legality of marijuana products.

“It’s nice that we seized so many because we can freeze them and save them for our department’s Christmas party next year,” Swine said.

It wasn’t as nice for the majority of students though. According to police records, teachers sold edibles to over 150 students before the audit began. Junior

Photo by Jack Parsons

PASSED OUT IN the quad, an art student who appears to be high beyond belief, lies next to a bag of baked goods laced with the devil’s lettuce.

Ed Dibble recalls mistakenly purchasing “Having a bunch of high students a marijuana edible in the form of a Cup during class is good for photography.

Noodles.

[Being high] allows them “I slurped those to find new camera angles noodles so fast that they would otherwise because I didn’t not see sober,” Sativa said. eat breakfast, but Police have now like an hour later obtained a search warrant I started to feel to search the campus, and completely toasted. they will be beginning It was lowkey nice with the Friendship because I didn’t have Garden to inspect what’s to waste my cart that actually being grown. K9 day. Usually I rip my units will be one of the pen in the Spanish tools they will use to seek hallway bathroom out edibles or perhaps during every passing other drug products, such period,” Dibble said. as blunts disguised as Photography pencils. They anticipate to teacher Kendall Maurice Moss, find more teachers guilty Sativa, who was junior of the act. placed on indefinite “Just like with this administrative college scandal B.S., this leave because of the stuff has probably been incident, showed no going on way before we sign of regret over selling edibles. were tipped off,” Swine said. “I can’t “Us art teachers have been selling wait to find more edibles. On the behalf snacks for years now and it started to get of the Middle Marin Police Department, boring. We wanted to switch things up we could all use some to take the edge off so we could also get some more money,” of our super stressful job in crime-ridden Sativa said.

Marin County.”

Sativa also felt that having students high on marijuana would be beneficial for their photography skills. bark@redwoodbark.org

If you burn, you would know that edibles that strong could put a freshman on their ass.

Local alumni caught up in college cheating scandal

By Julia Scharf and Lucie James On March 12, 2019, 33 families were caught using their wealth to get their kids into college. University of Southern California (USC) was one of the schools that several Marin County families had paid a college counselor to guarantee their child admittance. Some parents even went so far as to photoshop pictures of their children playing sports.

Due to this illegal action, the FBI has concluded that those who are already in college and have committed this felony must repeat their senior year of high school, and must play the sport that helped them get admitted into the prestigious colleges.

According to FBI agent Robert Frost, the students were given an ultimatum: they could either return to their high schools and participate in the sport they were recruited for, or face up to 10 years in federal prison.

“At the end of the day, we figured this seemed like the most logical way to address the scandal. A few officers tried suggesting having their applications re-submitted for review, or have the students be kicked out of the university they are currently attending, but the majority of us decided those solutions didn’t seem very realistic,” Frost said. “It just makes more sense to send all of the students back to high school and require them to play sports they’ve never played.”

In addition to participating in the sport that they were recruited for, Frost explained that the students will also be required to achieve the stats that they had on their forged athletic profiles.

“One kid was documented as setting a personal record in the mile at 4:37. If he doesn’t run a mile in that time by the end of the season, he’ll be facing time in federal prison. Right now his real mile time is 9:14, so I’m pretty optimistic that he’ll reach his goal,” Frost said.

Jim Jones, a senior at Marin Academy (MA), was recruited to play football at USC after his father had his face photoshopped onto the body of a kicker. Unfortunately, MA does not actually have a football team, making it extremely difficult for Jones to participate in the sport and achieve his required statistics.

“Right now I’m just kind of running around on the field and throwing the ball to myself. I figured if I just play all the positions by myself I can easily complete all the passes and yards that I need to match my application,” Jones said. “It just gets difficult when I have to play against other teams that have more than one person on the field; it’s definitely an added challenge.”

Redwood football coach John Smith commented on the scrimmage that his team held against Jones earlier this week.

“It really was a strange sight. That boy was hiking the ball to himself and yelling at imaginary teammates. Seems to me like prison would’ve been more enjoyable,” Smith said.

While Smith was appalled by Jones’s poor performance, there is no other option but for Jones to become a star athlete.

“I played sports when I was younger, so figuring out how to play football shouldn’t be too difficult to pick up.

My parents also said if all fails, there are other options, and they can pay for me not to go to jail,” Jones said.

For the time being Jones will be learning how to play football, while repeating his senior year at MA. According to Frost, he and other FBI agents will be keeping a close eye on students such as Jones to make sure they follow through with their choice of punishment.

bark@redwoodbark.org

Photo by Julia Scharf

FORMER USC STUDENT is confused by lacrosse stick, but hopes to make freshman team and avoid jail.

Page 5 • News

www.redwoodbark.org

Redwood imports bullies to secure extra funding

By Nate Charles

Due to recent fiscal strains caused by the growing deficit in the Tamalpais Union High School District (TUHSD), principal Savid Dondheim has taken swift action to secure more funding for the school.

Many San Francisco Bay Area schools have recently taken measures to expel problematic students after they were caught in an extensive scheme to cut the man buns off of every male faculty member at their respective schools. Dondheim has enrolled some of these freshly emancipated delinquents at Redwood with the hopes that they will bring in some extra cash for the school. His expectation is for the new recruits to raise money by bullying some of Redwood’s weaker students, specifically through lifting items of value off of the vulnerable children. According to Dondheim, this move will provide a muchneeded cash infusion for both Redwood and the district as a whole.

“I like money,” Dondheim said.

The plan is for the bullies to extract cash from nerds around the school, through both the classic means of taking kids’ lunch money but also a modern technique of removing some of the more expensive clout gear around the halls, namely AirPods and anything Gucci. Once obtained, the valuables will be brought to Dondheim’s office, where he will pawn them for cash that will go directly towards resolving the budget issues.

“It’s money that makes the world go

‘round,” Dondheim said. “Counting me money. Money sweeter than honey. Money money this, money money that. Profit will make me wallet fat!”

Some of the bullies have already begun taking classes at the school, and senior Jock Strap said there has been a noticeable difference.

“Before I used to have to wade through a bunch of dweebs to get to class, but with the new bullies these little fishies take one look at me and run the other way,” Strap said.

In addition, flexing is at an all-time low, as a majority of the school’s higher-end products have been removed by the bullies.

One of the bullies, junior Nelson Muntz, said he has had no difficulty adjusting to the new school.

“Eh, I’m no hero. I just like to hit peopleon the head,” Muntz said. “Imagine … a school out there with no bullies … I couldn’t take it!”

To both thank the bullies for their service and ensure they don’t take over the school, Dondheim said he has been giving each of them a small cut of the profits he gets from pawning the stolen items. According to Muntz, this has made a significant difference in his life.

“My first job. Tonight, I’m having peanut butter and jelly. No more PB or J for me,” Muntz said.

The rest of the bullies are set to arrive by the final grading period, a timeline that has some of Redwood’s richer students

bark

Photo by Nate Charles

FORCING A WEAKER student to give him money, senior Jock Strap has had considerable success under Principal Dondheim’s supervision. worried. According to sophomore Jules Daly, the sharp decline in luxuries associated with the bullies’ presence is set to have major consequences.

“Listen, I’m only popular because of my gear. JUUL pods, AirPods, Tide pods.

You name a pod, I have it,” Daly said.

“If these bullies take that from me I have nothing: no athletic abilities, no brains, no personality, nothing!”

Despite a hoard of complaints from wealthy students, well, mostly their

How well do you know Redwood?

parents, Dondheim said the money from the program has already had positive effects, as the school was recently able to purchase a fishing kit under Dondheim’s name.

“This is where clam fishing gets serious,” Dondheim said. “Let’s see … a five-letter word for happiness? Money.

After all, money is the ultimate source of joy!” ncharles@redwoodbark.org

By Katherine Muller

Across 6. Never far from an upperclassman’s hand in the morning 8. Creating a better world for tomorrow via Tinder 10. Largest cult at Redwood 11. 2017’s _____ Threat 13. Fewer _________ at Redwood than Samsungs 14. Stereotypical sunset at ___ Ridge 18. It’s a long walk to campus from ___________ row 19. The most ethnic food students will ever try 20. Recycle for ______ Conservatives, Jetta, Bo, In-N-Out, Peer Resource, Bagels, Yerba Mate

Air Force Ones, Mint, Sophomore, Africa, Pedo Catcherz, Leadership, Hydro Flask, Answers (in no particular order): Airpods, Deficit, Zargar, Bomb, MC, Sol Food,

Down 1. Freshman’s favorite pod 2. Shine a light if you’re over ________ 3. Always sold out in the CEA 4. TUHSD’s $8 Million ______ 5. Hydrate or Diedrate 7. F**k ___ 9. Every sophomore girl owns a pair 12. Most common car in parking lot 15. Sign of high society 16. _______ will chase your car-car 17. Where you can find half the school on a Saturday night

kmuller@redwoodbark.org

redwoodbark.org bark Page 6 • News Students trading in basic education for social media galore

By Alexandra Polidora On March 26, Redwood’s population hit an all time low at 500 students across the four grades due to roughly 75 percent of all students dropping out to become social media influencers. The craze began due to the exponential growth seen within the industry with stars such as Emma Chamberlain, Shane Dawson and Jake Paul gaining fame across multiple platforms, and students have become more inspired than ever to embark on a new journey and career choice.

Redwood dropout Desa Parate feels that in this new generation, education is unnecessary and being an influencer is the best plan for her future.

“My parents and family always made me feel lesser because I’m not naturally intelligent in the education sense. But once I became an influencer and gained almost 30 subscribers on YouTube and a loyal sponsorship from AmpMe, I realized that I’m a genius when it comes to makeup tutorials. I end up spending more money on the makeup than the 25 cents I make from every video, but it’s worth it because I’m on my way to being famous,” Parate said.

Another reason students have been dropping out is to dive into the music industry through music applications such as Soundcloud. Senior Lil Bop dropped out three months before graduating to pursue his dreams of becoming a Soundcloud rapper.

“I’ve been making hella beats on Soundcloud for around a year, but dude, my views have skyrocketed with my new release of ‘Got Me in My Feelings Doe.’ It’s been pretty hard to balance school with making dope music.

It came down to the fact that I’d have to pick one and choosing music was the best decision I ever made. I get to just mob and make sick beats all day, it’s really chill,” Bop said.

Principal Savid Dondheim feels that this movement has made great strides in helping with the student overpopulation and budget crisis.

“Each class only has around five students, and because of this, everyone gets the individual attention that they need. We also were able to rent out half of the building to the Silver Peso to help them expand their business which in turn has really helped with our budget problems. The

Photoillustration by Alexandra Polidora

REDWOOD DROPOUT SUSAN Ficial poses for her $500 photoshoot, typically taking anywhere from five to eight hours including time allocated for Facetune. are discovering themselves and their passions outside drunken wanderers keep to themselves on their own side the traditional realm of the education system, and it’s the for of the building and it rarely becomes a problem greatly reducing Redwood’s population to the delight said. students,” Dondheim of the remaining students and staff. Redwood senior Another Redwood dropout, Susan Ficial, left school Stella Davis feels that the smaller class sizes have done to become an Instagram model. With her page reaching wonders in benefiting her educational experience. (which 10,000 followers and receiving a verified symbol “With hardly any students enrolled, the teachers social of world the in thriving is Sandy only cost $1,000), have no drive to assign work and tests and so I now have media. straight A’s. I’m putting in less effort than I ever have and “Regardless of whether you’re studying calculus or getting better grades than ever. It’s the perfect combo!” and working thinking of photo captions, your brain is Davis said. harder is school that stereotype The it’s working hard. than being an influencer is completely biased and it’s so wrong,” Ficial said.

From YouTubers to Soundcloud rappers, students apolidora@redwoodbark.org

opinion

Page 7

Let’s ditch senior ditch day and focus on freshmen

By Lily Baldwin

It’s that time of year again when the stress from classwork, college decisions, extracurriculars and general teenage life begins to overload the students of Redwood.

We’re in the home stretch, and there’s only one tried and true occasion that we can look to for relief: Senior Ditch Day. But as a senior, I can’t help but question, are we really the ones in need of a day off?

Think back to freshman year and reminisce with me as we revisit all of the social and academic turmoil we endured as 14-year-olds. Along with the difficulties of adapting to life after middle school, we faced a constant power struggle with the upperclassmen, who exerted a subtle passive-aggressive hatred toward the youth trampling over their territory.

That subtle disdain can be a real stressor, according to Wellness Center staff member, May Feelinshurt.

“Freshman students have been coming into the Wellness Center constantly due to the overwhelming amount of anxiety they feel when they make eye contact for too long with upperclassmen. They require a constant flow of tea and positive affirmations to recover before they build up the strength to roll their backpacks to class,” Feelinshurt said.

To solve this rampant discrimination and ease the pressure on the newest members of Redwood, Senior Ditch Day should be converted to Freshman Appreciation Day. On this day, seniors would set aside time to leave their houses early and stop on the way to school to pick up fresh-baked pastries for the freshman class. Then, after showering the small students with powdered donuts and croissants, the real celebration would begin. It is only appropriate that the entire day be a rally dedicated to the

freshman, with blocked out time for senior students to help the freshman finish their Integrated Science 1-2 field study drawings and oversee floss dancing competitions, because their generation “loves that sh*t,” according to freshman Ty Neeboi.

“Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the homework I have from my Algebra 1 course, and flossing is really the only thing that gets me through it,” Neeboi said.

In addition to a danceoff, I strongly believe that there needs to be a relay race that takes place within the hallways in which freshman students will run like the famous manga character Naruto to increase their speed. Neeboi, who is hoping to become the President of the Anime Club, is highly in favor of this proposal.

“I get real speedy when I run like Naruto. I feel more powerful than the upperclassmen and I think it impresses them when I run that fast and then stop abruptly in front of them to talk to my friends. It establishes my dominance,” Neeboi said.

After all the freshman fun, the growing kids will need a nutritious lunch to fuel their angsty rants about their best friends from elementary school who grew apart over the summer. Seniors should use this as an opportunity to connect with the freshmen by forgoing their parking spots and setting up a barbeque in the back lot, along with a bouncy

house so students can expend the extra energy boost they get from their CEA chocolate milk. Senior Ima Tweengal is one of many students who are happy to make such a sacrifice.

“I don’t need to park, what I need is for my friends …

I mean the freshmen, uh, to get the kind of treatment they deserve. I think myself and all other seniors should really think about how the Class of 2023 will be our future, and they need proper emotional support,” Tweengal said.

Being a freshman in high school is undoubtedly difficult. The class of 2023 deserves a day of recognition, where they are pampered with the love and respect they so desperately crave. So join me, and instead of ditching to go to the beach, do something even more rewarding and spend the day appreciating those 5’3” angels who don’t wash their P.E. uniforms.

Opinion sponsored by the parents of the Class of 2022.

lbaldwin@redwoodbark.org

Positives of the parking policy

By Jenna Dahlin

jdahlin@redwoodbark.org

Page 8 • Opinion

www.redwoodbark.org

bark

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Redwood High School 395 Doherty Drive Larkspur, CA 94939 www.redwoodbark.org R.I.P. Liberal Staff (2018-2019)

Eggitors-In-Beef Alec Baldwin Neevski Legs Samamamamama Emily “Angsty” Sweet

hey so we didn’t do an editorial editorial becuz we don’t have many writers democrats are cuz of the whole demo-FAT liberal wipeout thing so...

Head Copy Editor Lil’ Hil Copy Editors M Bieber Richard Nixon Smelly Melly Bean Lloyd Aud Pod Hettleman Katty Müller Morganic Milk Syd the Kyd News Editors Malaria Alexander Nate the Great Opinion Editors Mad Dog Loebi R Dubz Feature Editors Drizzy Egglyn Sports Editors Benitos Burritos Bam Bam Sam Review Editors My Annaconda Don’t Meeester Chau Lifestyles Editors Skyskypoppin’ Jojo Yeet

BARK

Video Editors Hairy Son Seagull K-Bun Spanish Editor Buns of Steele Podcast Editor Matt Saracen Business Manager J Biz Social media Manager Ballin’ Dahlin Survey Manager K-Lion

Have an opinion regarding anything that appears in the Bark or in general? We don’t really care. Please don’t email us. We won’t respond. bark@redwoodbark.org.

POLICY: All editorials are unsigned and have been approved by the majority of the two Bark staff left.

A BARK to the Mueller report for coming out. It was fun playing Russian Roulette while it lasted.

A BARK to the deportation of a fake Kim Jong Un. Things in Korea are a little unclear...or is it nuclear?

eating mushrooms could help reduce the risk of dementia.

BRB, about to go eat a shiitake-ton of mushrooms.

A BITE to Lori Loughlin’s involvement in the admission scandal. Looks like Aunt Becky is moving from Full House to the Big House.

A BITE to the impact the fires are still having on wine country. Conditions aren’t grape.

A BITE to everyone going to Coachella. When you’re singing “Young Dumb and Broke” you’re going to relate to that song a little too much.

A BARK to the FDA reviewing the safety of breast implants. Tits about time.

A BITE to the California avocado recall. Looks like Marin might hit guac bottom.

A BARK to the March 23 party. Bar mitzvahs are still a fun Saturday night activity?

A BITE to UC admissions.

Can’t UC that we are trying?

A BARK to a study that found

BARKS and BITES are the collective opinions of the BARK staff concerning relevant issues. BARKS are in praise of accomplishments, while BITES criticize decisions or events.

Art Consultants Baylor Charles J-Blur Reporters Evie Baileyboo Olivia Breakfast Ginja Ninja I’m a Carpenter Cooked Carrot Party Girl Freaky Dean Dean Double Cup Inglepoo Luciegoose Thermal China Anne McClain Julia Moron Morse Code Sachi Nachos J Pizzle Xanax Smella Roesler Alka Seltzer Water J Chillin Meerkat Srinivasan 6’5” Yung Money Senior Staff Writer Surf Adviser Schneids Schneideroo

Prom!

Prom!

Mad Libs: A prom night to remember forget

By Josephine Yee

FILL IN THE BLANKS:

It is a few weeks until Redwood’s highly _________(past tense verb) prom night. As of now the race is on and you are required to make the ___________(adjective) promposal ever. Even though you’re going to end up ditching your date for ________ (friend’s name), who cares? We all know that you only said yes to ________(name) so that it would increase the amount of likes on your Insta feed by ____(number) percent.

But first, you need to mentally prepare yourself for a major blow to your bank account because you’ll be dropping at least $_____(number) on this _____ (adjective) night. If you end up actually convincing yourself to go, out goes $____(number) for your prom ticket.

You’ll probably only end up spending ____(a really small number) minutes there, but hey, the endless supply of

_________(noun) and the chocolate fountain make it totally worth it. _______(Exclamation)! You realize that you need something to wear! If you’re going in a tux, prepare yourself to spend _______(amount of time) with your mother at __________(store) as she forces you to try on and endless supply of ties. If you’re going in a dress, well, good luck to you, it’ll be around $100 to $____(number). What makes it even more worth it is that you’ll never wear it again! Oh, and you’ll definitely need to purchase new shoes so that you can either check them in at the door or be unable to walk for the next few days due the inevitable pain that comes from dancing in ____(number) -inch heels.

Also, hair and makeup is a must. If it’s not professionally done, then you’ll look absolutely _________(adjective).

You’ll also need to buy your date a _________(noun) or boutonniere that will definitely die a day later.

To complete the night, you’ll most likely follow your friends to an afterparty so that you can _________ (verb) away just to wake up forgetting everything that happened the previous night. But everything is okay, because you’ll find an endless amount of photos in your camera roll that looks like you had fun despite everyone complaining how ___________(negative adjective) it really was.

Page 9

Arts and Crafts!

By Emily Sweet Oh no! Sally spilled pregame all over her prom dress! Help her cover the stains so Admin doesn’t breathalyze her. Color in the rest of her dress to match!

jyee@redwoodbark.org

Prom Dos and Don’ts: A guide to your picture-perfect night

By Anna Compagno and Amanda Morse

video

Page 10

An elongated history of the Redwood Bark (4K) Since the beginning of time the Redwood Bark has been bringing awareness to society’s most important issues.

From female masturbation to recaps of junior varsity sports, the Bark is there. Being right leaning, the Bark has always struggled finding its place within the Marin County community. Bark is the news source of America and is growing in other nations across the globe. With its current extensive growth, the Bark hopes to spread new fake news never seen before from within the journalism industry.

Comment! Like! Subscribe! And check out more content on www.redwoodbark.org.

Ten ways to watch March Madness without teachers noticing

BLOCK PERIOD COMPILATION (SLOW MOTION)

Do you have Duke winning? Well than this isn’t for you because they are most likely going to lose. Any other team? Then this video will give you the ten best ways to keep up with both your grades and insane upsets to come. Oregon all the way?

Although only twice as long, teachers on Wednesdays and Thursdays hit quarter speed instead of full, making classes especially tough on students. Symptoms include sleeping, excessive bathroom JUUL breaks and the occasional passout.

TUHSD board meeting but every time they say the word deficit it gets 10x faster

A shortened history of the Redwood Bark (4K)

DEFICIT DEFICIT DEFICIT. Watch this video to relieve yourself of any money problems. Because we bet TUHSD has it harder than you. This video is meant to relieve stress and is backed by the Bark’s Mental Health Clinic.

If Bark’s history was too much for you watch this video to find out only the most important events in Bark. Want to know the first sex survey questions? Or what the celebrities at our school answered? Then you’ll find it here. I heard Pete Carroll’s is pretty freaky.

sports

Page 11

April 1, 2019 bark Page 12 • Sports New Redwood Hockey Club dissolved after issues with playing surface

By Sam Warren The Redwood Men’s Hockey Club (RHC), set to become Northern California’s first high school men’s hockey team, was disbanded Friday after discovering that the sport was not played on turf, but in fact on ice, dashing the possibility of creating a competitive team.

The RHC, founded in February, was created “to give dudes more equality and opportunity in sports and stuff,” according to junior team captain and founder Chad LeBlanc. After enrolling in the fall of 2015, LeBlanc noticed some discrepancy in the sports offered to males and females in the Marin County Athletic League (MCAL).

“Me and the boys were just wandering around after school tryna find somewhere to chief and we saw the field hockey team practicing on Ghilloti. One of the boys said, ‘Why don’t we have a hockey team?’ and that’s really where it all began,” LeBlanc said.

LeBlanc said that soon after that moment he and “the boys” forgot about their new idea for an undisclosed reason, but at the beginning of the year, fellow junior team captain and founder Chazz Macdonald rediscovered their idea after a conversation about his future.

“I was having this not-so-chill convo with Mom and Pops and my bunk ass college counselor and they kept ragging on me about ditching class and doing nothing but hang out with the boys. That’s when it came back to me, so I told them to get off my back cause I was starting the hockey team,” Macdonald said.

Macdonald says he then “hit up” LeBlanc and told him about their old idea. The duo discussed their conception, then decided they would make the dream a reality that spring. As for how they recruited players, freshman Keith O’Hara said he was shown a flyer in the english hall detailing a great opportunity.

“I saw this paper on the wall that said to show up on the back field for a ‘totally chill hockey practice’ and I wasn’t really interested. I was never really good at sports but my mom saw their ad on the homepage and forced me to sign up for the extracurricular credit,” O’Hara said.

After having a brownie bake sale to fundraise for equipment, the RHC seemed fully ready for their first

Photo by Sam Warren

HOLDING HIS STICK, junior team captain and RHC founder Chad LeBlanc poses in his gear on their supposed home turf, Ghillotti Field. LeBlanc and other members failed to realize the sport was played on ice.

After showing the actual sport to his captains, O’Hara practice on March 25, but some members felt a little explained that the team would never work, considering confused about their new gear.

“I was hella hyped to get all decked out for practice, the closest full time ice rink was almost 50 miles away but I put on my kicks and they felt hella weird. I asked the and none of them knew how to skate. The discovery dude at the store why there were like swords on the bottom disappointed the new group.

“I was totally bummed out. We saw the girls playing but he just laughed so I figured everything would be all on the grass that day, so we thought we could just do the good,” Macdonald said.

After a few minutes of struggling to put on pads and same, but I guess not. Total bummer,” LeBlanc said.

Soon after, “the boys” informed the rest of the team running in their new “kicks”, Macdonald and LeBlanc postponed practice to the next day. That night, O’Hara that there would no longer be a opportunity for them to play. Marin’s only cold weather high school sports team made a embarrassing discovery.

“Mom let me watch TV past 8:30 p.m. cause I got all disbanded as quickly as it started. my chores done, and I was flipping through channels and I stopped on ESPN. They were playing this weird game on ice and kept calling it hockey, and then I finally realized swarren@redwoodbark.org where we all went wrong,” O’Hara said.

Bark exclusive: LAX mullets proven to ATTRACT girls!

By Sydney Steinberg

Since the beginning of time (or at least all time that matters), every spring, dutiful varsity lacrosse players have shaved the sides of their heads as a symbol of tradition, unity and sexual magnetism. Although high school girls have been lusting over the majestic “mullet” for decades, it has now been scientifically proven that the hairstyle can guarantee any Redwood varsity lax player hundreds of female admirers.

A recent survey conducted by the Few Research Center tested the effects of different hairstyles on 100 adolescent females. When a test subject was shown an image of a certain hairstyle, physical signs of attraction such as an increased heart rate, bulging eyes and drool were closely monitored. Although exposure to hairstyles such as the ‘80s classic “Flock of Seagulls” and the inverse mohawk caused a majority of subjects to show signs of attraction, the

mullet took the cake with 99 percent of subjects showing obvious physical signs of lust. Allegedly, some even produced puddles of drool so large that Few Research employees were forced to use state of the art mops constructed from the hair shaved off of lacrosse players (retailing for only $4500) to clean up the mess.

The sentiments of Redwood students are in agreement with this data. According to a recent self-reported Bark survey, 89 percent of senior girls, 94 percent of junior girls, 99 percent of sophomore girls and 107 percent of freshman girls would characterize the mullet as “the sexiest and most stimulating hair style to ever grace the heads of the male population.”

Freshman Amy Helsby has noticed a drastic change in the appeal of lacrosse players since they first shaved the sides of their heads over a month ago.

“Before this spring, I thought guys who played lacrosse were relatively good

looking, but really nothing special. Now, I envision my future husband, walking me down the aisle with his Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1980 hair blowing vigorously in the wind. Actually, I will refuse to marry anyone who doesn’t,” Helsby said.

Sophomore Ariana McElroy has been enjoying the mullets so much, she has made significant lifestyle changes that show her dedication to lacrosse players and their awe-inspiring hair.

“I printed out pictures of the entire lacrosse team and hung them up all over my room. I also made lifesize cardboard cutouts with real hair from the players with the best mullets and kiss them every night before I go to bed,” McElroy said.

Although the lacrosse refreshing hairstyle is being enjoyed by a majority of Redwood’s female population, the lacrosse team is being criticized by administrators of the Wellness Center for being an imminent threat to the health

Infographic by Sydney Steinberg

and well being of students. Since the team started fashioning the hairdo, 27 girls have reported passing out while on campus, a 486 percent increase from before lacrosse season. According to Redwood nurse Susan Stueller, although the mullets look good, they are dangerous to the school’s environment.

“Believe me, I too feel a little dizzy when I see a lacrosse player with shaved sides and I would hate to see it go.

However, the hairstyle has obviously become a danger to a large portion of the student body and is not worth risking the reputation of our school’s health and wellbeing programs,” Stueller said.

Junior Mazy Gilson is one of the many students who have experienced health scares after seeing a lacrosse player since the big chop.

“When I see a LAX guy with a luscious mullet, my throat starts closing up and I break out in hives. It’s like a bee sting but 1000 times better,” Gilson said.

Because of the large amount of girls experiencing fainting spells at school, Stueller proposed a hair code at the recent Tamalpais Union High School District board meeting.

“It would be like a dress code but would implement limitations on hair,” Stueller said. “I would propose that lacrosse players shave their heads bald in order to meet these limitations and restore order to our schools again.”

However, this proposal has been met with backlash by Redwood students.

Currently, a petition to repudiate the proposal has been signed by 3,957 students and a walk out urging the board to reject the proposal is scheduled for later this week. Students such as Helsby have been agonizing over the possible termination of mullets in extreme ways.

“If they have to go bald I will literally die. All the time I’ve spent admiring lacrosse players will go to waste, it would be a disaster bigger than my hair right now,” Helsby said, sporting a mullet herself as a symbol of protest.

ssteinberg@redwoodbark.org

review

Page 13

Local rappers break SoundCloud with hot new album “Tandem”

By Amanda Morse and Jenna Dahlin Driving to church with my grandparents one Sunday morning, grandpa asked if he could hop on the aux cord. Low and behold, my ears were graced with lifealtering beats that can only be paralleled to the voice of God himself: “Tandem.”

With inspiring lyrics such as “Dehydrated piss, rehydrated wrist, my wrist make it twist when my fist up in your b***h,” backed by rhythmic beats curated in their “stu” (a mic in one of the artists’ bedrooms), up-and-coming rappers K-Bun (Karl Somerville) and J Blur (Max Gilberg) leave us bursting into waterfalls of glorious tears after the release of their first solo album, “Tandem.”

The album, clocking in at over 15 emotionally-captivating minutes long, has landed itself on Slovakia’s top 100 and was nominated for a Kid’s Choice Award.

“Tandem” does not come up short in terms of collabs, as it features a number of fresh SoundCloud stars including Yung AP, JöP and Jimmy Mac. Each of their verses added more than what the duo alone would’ve been able to achieve.

The real selling point of the album is the rappers’ personal experiences that allowed them to craft the poetry in each and every song. J Blur, specifically, contributes a relatability factor to the album, throwing around names of important community landmarks with lines such as “North bay lil boy creekside rep tho,” conveying his perspective of life on the streets of ‘The Brae.’ K-Bun also adds a little personal touch and goes on to say, “I’m a Corte local you can find me in the back streets.”

Initially, listeners are given a glimpse of the origin of the album in their first song, “Tandem,” with the line, “This song ya it’s about to be an anthem, K-Bun J Blur this sh*t tandem.” This line sparked one of the most iconic album releases that critics say are rivaling the greatest rappers of all

Photo courtesy of K-Bun

AFTER THEIR NEWEST release “NBG,” support. time, such as 6ix9ine and Bhad Bhabie.

The emotional roller coaster that is “Tandem” captivates listeners through every down, such as “Catch Me,” which slows the beat down for three minutes and nine seconds that really had us in our feels.

Then, the album changes course with intense beats that can be seen in “Fast,” a song that simply screams “chick-magnet.”

Starting off strong with a catchy intro, K-Bun eloquently preaches, “Slow down cause I’m movin’ hella fast,” while J Blur closes off the song strong with a smooth outro.

The popularity of “Fast” can partially

SoundCloud temporarily crashed due to a surplus of listeners that the site couldn’t be attributed to the Redwood girls’ varsity soccer team, who made it their official anthem of the 2018-2019 season. The heart and soul that makes this tune so iconic is the hot new artist Yung AP. Seeing that he’s already landed a spot as this year’s single headliner at the world-renowned Coachella music festival, this song served as Yung AP’s big break.

Fans truly can’t get enough. Spitting bars like, “You only exist cuz your mom is my miss,” and “I’m the goat f*ck Scottie Pippen,” Yung AP only keeps it real with his listeners, reassuring them that he can steal your girl as he pleases.

Teasing the release of their longawaited second album, the duo dropped two new songs, “Red Sprite” and “NBG,” both topping Billboard’s Hot 100 0.01 seconds after dropping, setting records worldwide. With the drop of their most recent album, “NBG” on March 23, the duo only continues to please their dedicated fans.

bark@redwoodbark.org

Students showcase new, ridiculously awesome designer brand releases

By Alex Johnson For years, popular designer brands like Gucci, OffWhite and A Bathing Ape (Bape) have been producing eyecatching items of clothing. The rest of the world witnessed this historic rise, but now the hype has finally reached Redwood High School, where students are showcasing their dopest outfits on a daily basis. After many weeks of silent observation, I have compiled a list of the most worn items in hopes that other hype beasts, or even average Joes, can hop on the wave.

SQUIRTY URY 1’S These shoes, recently released by Off-White, simply check all the boxes. Unlike the prototype Squirty Ury .5’s,

the 1’s spew out a more desirable amount of raccoon urine every step. Wearing these shoes lets everyone know how much money you have because everywhere you walk, there will be a fresh trail of urine right behind you. Prices start at $37,000, but restocking on urine can get quite expensive if you want the highest quality on the market.

NOTHING One of Gucci’s most intelligent ideas has come in the form of nothing. The Nothing is only available online, and once it is delivered to your house, the box itself does not open unless you are doing an unboxing video for all of your loyal subscribers on YouTube. The box contains only a single price tag showing that you have spent $3,600 on nothing. The adhesive tag can either be stuck to your bare

skin or kept in a nearby pocket. The Nothing is perfect for a hot summer day on the beach when you need to take your shirt off but still want everyone to know that you wear designer clothes.

THE ITCHY CLIPPY

The Itchy Clippy is Bape’s first ever hat on the market, starting at $50,000. The price for this item is particularly steep because of the ingenious design which combines a hat made entirely out of paper clips and rabid lice. The Itchy Clippy is much like the Squirty Ury 1’s in that the more lice you buy, the higher the price range for your hat.

The Itchy Clippy has only seen rave reviews about how uncomfortable and inconvenient it is to always have lice and lose all of your friends. But Bape did not stop there.

The designer brand is now working on a second edition of the Itchy Clippy that combines a hat made entirely out of wooden splints with termites that are bound to completely ruin your day. Prices for the Eater Depleter are set to come out on A.

NEXT GEN FLASH

Photo illustration by Alex Johnson

WEARING A GUCCI sweatshirt, a faceless model shows off her brand new designer drip that was just released fresh off the shelves.

Gucci has really outdone itself yet again with the creation of the Next Gen Flash tattoo. The premise behind this item is simple. Radioactive silver nitrate samples are sent over from SpaceX to Gucci Labs Incorporated to be modified, in order to set off a two-part reaction once making contact with the skin of the user. First, a terrible rash begins to form and the user’s arm feels as if it is has been swarmed by an army of red ants. Next, little pores begin to break out and a green discharge smelling like spoiled beef Stroganoff starts to seep out. This combination of red and green shows whoever dares to approach that someone is wearing Gucci. The Next Gen Flash tattoo starter packs hit the shelves on April 20, starting at $420.

Regardless of the item, Redwood students who wear these new releases are doing everything but drawing a crowd. When students gossip about the kids with the rashes and green discharge, they might not know your name, but they know you wear designer. ajohnson@redwoodbark.org

bark Page 14 • Review THESE REDWOOD CULTS ARE DOING ACID! [not clickbait]

By Maddie Loebbaka I was hired by the TUHSD to investigate four of the biggest cults at Redwood and find what their strengths and weaknesses are. After extensive investigative reporting, my findings are found below.

DRAMA 2.5/5 Since drama kids spend most of their time in the darkness of the Little Theatre or drama room, when someone finally lets them out, they have an impossible amount of energy. I’ve always wondered what they spend ★ so much time on, because it seems like their shows are few and far between. Plotting an overthrow of Savid Dondheim? Attempting to make drama an AP class? Most of their cultish behavior stems from the fact that they always seem to be together. Have you ever seen a drama kid alone? Probably not, because their motto is “strength in numbers,” a classic cult value. Pumped full of caffeine, their energetic time spent reenacting Shakespeare sword duels doesn’t seem to have an effect on their stamina. I can honestly say that all the drama students I know sleep once a week. Because this is the only cult at Redwood with no system of testing or application required, their productions show that they’ll let just about anyone in, which severely detracts from their cult status. Speaking of their productions, despite the many rooms filled to the brim with clothes and props, their costumes still look like an overbearing mother splurged at Goodwill. In light of the recent budget crisis, I recommend cutting funds from the drama department, as they just aren’t cult-ish enough.

LEADERSHIP 1/5 The most in-your-face of all the cults, “leadership” doesn’t really fit the name due to the lack of respect from other students. To qualify as a leader, shouldn’t people at least look up to you? Instead, they could change their catchphrase to something more accurate: “Yelling At You Too Early in the Morning in the Name of Spirit.” Speaking of which, nobody really wants to walk through a huge crowd of chanting people throwing beads. If I wanted that, I would have gone to DNA lounge in San Francisco.

Although the massive amount of time they spend together outside of school could seem to qualify them for a high rating in the terms of cults, their intensity makes it impossible for me to give them any higher of a score.

Since college applications are already in, you don’t have to continue with the class anymore in the name of your dear resume. Now we can all stop pretending that your Tiburon parents can’t just bribe any ole’ rowing coach.

April 1, 2019

BARK 5/5 With the most extensive commitment of all the cults, Bark students exude confidence and intelligence. Our superior writing skills give us the upper hand on college application essays and an editor position certainly doesn’t hurt the resume. Since the Bark comes out with a new publication every month, we put in countless hours in the editing workshop, which—if you know anyone at all from the Bark—you would already know from the bragging about “being at school for 12 hours,” or the snapchats with the Redwood geofilter and 9 p.m. time stamp. Bark also provides super icy swag such as the stylish and insulating crewnecks! Stay strapped with your press pass; it’s even cooler than a fake ID. Essentially, Bark is the Grey Goose to Yearbook’s boxed wine. You know what has four letters?

Bark. You know what also has four letters? Cult.

mloebbaka@redwoodbark.org

HONORS BIOMED 3/5 With members that are often overlooked in the social scene, the scientific “status” of Honors Biomed inflates egos like no other. As far as cults go, the Dovelady-run class is truest to the definition. With t-shirts constantly worn that display the eerie phrase, “Eternal Member,” big dick energy, as defined by subtle, sexy confidence by Urban Dictionary, clearly does not radiate from classroom 228. In fact, the smell of formaldehyde is proven to deter females. Or maybe it’s the glasses they all seem to wear.

They try to cover up their subpar style with their supposed “intelligence.” Nobody cares about their scientific crusades unless their manufacturing Psilocybin in your lab. What is a good cult without magic mushrooms? How will that serve you when trying to rush the ultimate cult: Kappa Alpha Theta at Harvard University? As far as cults go, however, this class fits all the bills: a leader with a strange past, an excessive admiration for something kind of boring and an exclusiveness and secrecy that keeps outsiders on their toes.

Photo by Maddie Loebbaka

CULT ADVISOR, DOVELADY, prepares to conduct the annual dissection of a freshman, preceeded by the chanting ritual which is conducted before every lab.

lifestyles

Page 15

Profiling four types of Marin moms

By Grace Bouton

A recent study has found that 99 percent of Marin moms fit into four types of moms: the tiger mom, the snobby mom, the zen mom and the wannabe mom. Because these four groups make up such a large part of the Marin community, I decided to take a deeper look at what each type of mom looks like in daily life.

Tiger Mom

Snobby Mom

Zen Mom

Wannabe Mom

This mom wants their child to succeed AT ALL COSTS. She hung Ivy League banners in her kids’ rooms at age three, started them on piano and violin at four and enrolled them in “gifted” (rich kid) summer camps at age six, all in an attempt to live vicariously through her kids. She meticulously set up playdates for her child with the “right kids” (smart), organized book clubs with the “right parents” (within her income bracket) and maintained an attitude with the “right balance” (inclusive rather than exclusive so as not to appear elitist or racist). Her computer has bookmarked the link to her child’s grades, ready at any moment, and she spends more time talking to her kids’ college counselor than the kid themself. This mom starts clubs under her son’s name, pays the family pediatrician thousands of dollars to diagnose her kid with ADHD when the only deficit he has is intelligence and is part of what helps maintain the healthy culture of college obsession in Marin.

This mom was found to be the most common out of the four categories. She drives around in the latest Range Rover or Mercedes, yells at Prius drivers and rolls her eyes at minivans. The Snobby mom refuses to drink Peets or Starbucks because Equator and Philz have a much more “authentic flavor.” She manages to drop her Tahoe cabin (mansion) and husband’s job title (CEO) into conversations frequently to prove that she really is JUST THAT rich.

This mom will only be seen shopping at Woodlands. She is a member of the (Corte Madera) Bay Club and gets suspicious if any salad isn’t over $15 because she only eats “fresh locally grown greens.” She can be heard saying things like, “Oh your kid goes to a state school...good for him taking a different route” and manages to bring up her own Harvard degree (that’s never been used and was bought by her Dad for her) constantly. Snobby mom can be spotted getting out of her all white Tesla with a Birkin bag, Gucci sunglasses and Saint Laurent wallet in hand and is what truly makes Marin the accepting place it is.

This mom can be seen meditating at a local yoga studio, shopping at Good Earth or sipping a green tea. She will only buy organic and Non-GMO groceries and drives a Tesla because of the “environmental benefits.” Her house is filled with various diffusers and phrases like “Calm down, honey, you just need to be mindful.” Zen Moms are always sure to carry their stainless steel straws and Hydro Flasks when they go out in order to prevent waste and have an at-home composter.

This mom spends her weekends exploring Marin’s “hidden natural gems,” eating edibles that were prescribed for her “back pain” and posting pictures of her hikes on Facebook to show just how in touch with nature she is. The Zen Mom can be seen wandering through downtown Fairfax in lululemon yoga pants and a flowy shirt, all in an attempt to prove how “carefree” she is. No matter if the Zen Mom is in the Headlands or at yoga, she is a huge part of what keeps Marin so green.

This mom is about as typical in Marin as Teslas. She is often seen lurking in hallways hoping to hear the gossip in her kid’s life, or shopping at Brandy Melville or Urban Outfitters because she is still “hip.” This is the mom who buys vodka for her kids and lets them have parties because she’d “rather them do it at home,” but she really just wants to relive her own teenage years and do Jello shots with her teen. She is the mom who Snapchats her kids and comments on all her their Instagram pictures, “so hot.” This mom is often heard saying, “So what’s the tea?” with a wine glass in hand and laughing with her kid about their most recent DUI. This is the mom every kid thinks they want, until she ends up as their roommate in rehab.

gbouton@redwoodbark.org

Meet the meat: An insider’s look at Redwood’s most elite brotherhood

to their lunch meetings. Parking became so competitive that prospective members started camping out overnight, You see them. You smell them. You fear them. But do which, according to an anonymous source under the alias you really know just what goes on inside the Redwood “David Sondheim,” is what caused the parking problem.

Eventually, the club’s founding members decided that Meat Society?

Notorious for their secrecy, the Redwood Meat Society their group was not “elite” enough to help their social was founded over 50 years ago when current leader of the status or attract girlfriends. They transformed the club into club, Jam Hershey, held an open forum for meat lovers a “society” to weed out closeted omnivores and establish in the Marin community. When Hershey was the only themselves on top of the social pyramid. Ever since attendee of the forum, he decided to expand his horizons that point, new members have been forced to undergo by reaching out to local high schoolers. Hershey lured excruciating initiation challenges in order to officially join.

According to society member Romaine E. Hunter, the teenage boys to his meetings through the scent of recent recruits have been required to red meat which could be smelled take part in animal sacrifices in order to from a five-mile radius around his complete the initiation process. grilling site. Although Hershey “The sacrifices are so entertaining refused to disclose the location of because the whole society meets up the society’s headquarters, it has at Horse Hill at night and we are all been rumored that students can required to bring our animal of choice, smell a mixture of burning human and we choose the meatiest one for the and animal flesh from the junkyard new recruit to kill and sacrifice to the behind the engineering classroom.

Society gods. It’s as cutthroat as a society Soon, Hershey and 15 teenage can get,” Hunter said. boys began to meet every Saturday Although the sacrifices are an integral afternoon to grill and discuss the Romaine E. Hunter step in the initiation, sometimes the underappreciation of meat-eating club member process goes haywire. in the Redwood community. Some “Once this new recruit forgot to bring members expressed how they have an animal and we had to sacrifice him felt isolated from their families and friends after bringing animal flesh to neighborhood instead,” Hunter said.

According to Hershey, the sacrificial act is the last step barbeques. Others have sought rehabilitation therapy after their “vegaphobia,” or fear of vegans, has forced them into in the initiation process. When prospective recruits look hiding. As a self-identified carnivore, Hershey expressed promising, highly ranked society members break into their the discrimination he faces at places such as Veggie Grill homes in the middle of the night, blindfold the recruits and the farmers market, where he is taunted by his plant- and take them to an undisclosed location where they then partake in a hunting competition against one another. eating peers.

“It’s basically the Hunger Games except everyone is “Being a meat eater in Marin is almost as isolating as given an AK-47. It’s hunt or be hunted, because to pass the being a conservative,” Hershey said.

As the club began to grow in popularity, hundreds of initiation round you have to kill at least five other recruits. teenage boys from around the Bay Area began showing up We like to call it an immersive outdoor experience,”

By Sydney Hilbush

Once this new recruit forgot to bring an animal so we had to sacrifice him instead.

Ask Annie

Question: Hi Annie. I have been really struggling in school lately. Whether it be grades or stress, I always find myself feeling down. I was wondering if you could give me some tips to help me de-stress and clear my head. Thank you! - Concerned Dear Concerned, I mean, I don’t even feel stress. I don’t really feel many things after the incident. Since falling into that vat of battery acid, I’m just too powerful. It’s totally changed my life, especially when I shower, because I just start glowing super bright green and it scares the crap out of my dog. Also when I’m eating food, especially hot dogs, I just disintegrate them into ash. The ash is okay though, I’m not complaining. Hope this helps! - Annie

Hershey said.

The bodies of the eliminated recruits are burned and used as fuel for Hershey’s grill. However, according to newly recruited society member Jacques Gerstone, sometimes the corpses are used as bait during hunting trips that are sponsored by the Redwood Foundation.

“When all the budget cuts were going on we were super scared that our hunting trips might be on the chopping block. Luckily we qualify under athletics so we are actually going to receive the money that’s being saved by firing the librarians,” Gerstone said.

According to Gerstone, even though he has only recently been initiated into the society, he already feels as if he has a lifelong bond with his “brothers.” Gerstone depicted the society as eerily similar to that of a fraternity.

If you are interested in finding out more exclusive details about the society, you can speak with Hershey, Hunter, Gerstone and other highly ranked members at their annual “Meat and Greet” at Belcampo Restaurant and Butcher Shop in Larkspur Landing on April 20 at 6 p.m. shilbush@redwoodbark.org

RHS Confessions

“I juul when I do numba two to hide the smell.” - Student “I called in the bomb threat because I was hungover and didn’t feel like teaching.”

-Teacher “I Venmo’d myself $1000 from the parcel tax fund.” - Admin “Jessica if you’re reading this please take me back. I miss the kids.”

- Redwood Parent