BUY A VIBRATOR... TRUST ME.

By Giovanna Cicalese

Let me start with a story. It takes place in ninth-grade Spanish class, when I was sandwiched in between two boys talking about their masturbation habits when we were supposed to be discussing past participles. There truly is nothing like men feeling as though you need to hear every detail of their sex lives, even if it’s only with their hands.

As they were talking, they turned to me and the other girl in the group and asked us if we masturbate. I bit the bullet and said that I masturbate, no details, just a yes; the other girl vehemently denied it, looking disgusted at the thought of herself masturbating. So naturally, I was the odd one out — big shock that a woman admitting to being in control of her own pleasure is deemed weird.

This interaction stayed with me for years, and I wondered why men were so openly allowed to discuss masturbating and their sexual pleasure at large, but women had to hide theirs. There’s a long history of sweeping women’s sexual pleasure under the rug as exemplified by the saying “lay back and think of England.” This idea was that if you had to have sex you weren’t enjoying, you should think about your country, as if it was your duty. Personally, I would rather not have sex I didn’t want and also not think of England. And I’ll bet you would too.

We are taught to feel shame about embracing our sexuality. While I still masturbated during the time when I was thinking about all this, refusing to deny myself opportunities for self-discovery and sexual pleasure, I do think there was a greater shame about it.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I bought myself my first vibrator – pink, printed with cartoon unicorns – during a Black Friday sale at Spencer’s. This was also around the time that “Sex Education” came out, a show focused on teen sexuality and sexual discovery.

One of the characters, Aimee Gibbs, is a girl who hasn’t masturbated because she feels like it’s disgusting for women to do so.

She gets some sage sex advice on how to fight the shame of self-pleasure from her school’s sex therapist, tries masturbating, and the rest is history. In the most recent fourth season, Gibbs experiments with different sex toys to find exactly what she likes, and I think that personal growth is beautiful.

My journey of sexual exploration follows a similar story. I bought my first vibrator in an attempt to find out more of what I personally like, and it was such a game changer. There shouldn’t be any stigma surrounding sexual pleasure. If using a sex toy is what it takes to send you over the edge (metaphorically or literally), then go for it.

The aspect of consent, support, and freedom from shame is important in understanding sex and yourself. There is nothing shameful about needing a toy to cum or getting yourself off. I’ve personally become more comfortable using sex toys in partnered sex; my girlfriend was really integral to making me feel less ashamed about using a vibrator to cum. If you are self-stimulating during partnered sex, having a supportive partner makes all the difference. Support creates a safe environment for exploration and pleasure, and good sex doesn’t happen in unsafe environments.

So, in short, fuck thinking about England, and start thinking about yourself instead. Learn what you like, explore yourself and the wide array of toys, tips, and tricks out there to get you where you need to go. Life’s short, buy yourself a vibrator. Trust me.