three's a pattern

Breakups can often leave us questioning how we missed the signs of dwindling connection. Well, here are three signs to look for to see if a breakup is on your horizon.

By Sarina Mam

Breakups, regardless of age, can be difficult to manage, especially when one person is blindsided by the breakup and the other could have been planning it for weeks, months, or even years. So, what are the signs that lead towards a breakup?

Although it is a vital part of human relationships, a 2017 study, published in Social Psychology and Personality Science, found that it is difficult to track the decision process of a breakup, though there are some signs that you can look out for prior to a breakup.

Changes in Personality

The most common reasons for people wanting to leave a relationship are “issues with a partner’s personality, breach of trust, and partner withdrawal,” according to University of Utah psychology professor Samantha Joel. These are common conceptions, as people grow as individuals and over time they may not grow together. Some even find themselves not liking their partner’s personality while still holding love for them.

It may be hard for people to leave each other when they’ve invested so much time together, although physical and emotional reciprocation may be so innate that you don’t even realize a relationship is falling apart. You might not find your partner attractive anymore or you might not want to spend time with them like you once did. Though, you still might hold onto them because you’re thinking “Why would I want to walk away from all the time invested?”

It’s quite important to consider other factors that go towards a relationship. If the relationship is lacking vital things, such as communication, physical attraction, emotional and physical intimacy, or whether or not future goals are aligned, then it might not be the right one for you.

Changes in Psychical and Physical Attraction

Physical attraction, and the idea of not wanting anyone else, is one key factor that leads towards a successful relationship. Alexis Martinez, a senior biology major at Temple University, noted that, “Your body, for example, will be the first to tell you if something’s okay or not.”

If you or your partner are thinking about another person while being intimate, that’s definitely a sign that your relationship is coming to an end. Aside from physical intimacy, “there’s a lack of intimacy when talking,” and “if [the relationship] is not a visceral, good feeling then why are you in it?”

Another sign of an impending breakup is if the little things are taken for granted. If you’re not talking about the inside jokes, the things that bother you, or the things you’re really excited about, then what really differentiates this person to that of an acquaintance? The person who once put you on a pedestal may be trying to “dull your sparkle,” and that’s definitely not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Aside from physical attraction, the way people communicate and act towards one another can show signs of whether or not the relationship will be successful. Eileen Brumbaugh, a therapist who specializes in life transitions, shared the importance of communication and reciprocation.

One immediate sign of an impending breakup, according to Brumbaugh, is “when people don’t look at each other when they’re talking to each other.” Eye contact is key when communicating with someone. It shows respect and allows a person to know that they’re really being heard. While a lack of eye contact isn’t a massive indicator of a failing relationship, it can indicate that there may be some larger issues at hand.

Changes in Language

The language that you and your partner use while being in a relationship can be extremely telling. A research article by Sarah Seraj, Kate G. Blackburn, and James W. Pennebaker tracked the nature of relationships and how language intertwines with whether or not a relationship will be successful.

An increase of first plural pronouns, or “we-words,” has revealed much about people’s commitment in a relationship and their intent in continuing the relationship. The use of “we-words between couples during conflict resolution and marital discussion highlight the interdependent nature of successful relationships.”

In other words, we-words can show how successful a relationship will be because they show that people are mutually dependent on each other. They almost see each other as one, instead of two separate beings. Of course it isn’t healthy to be too dependent on your partner, but being in a loving, healthy relationship means you mold into the best versions of yourselves, together.

In the end, there’s a million reasons why someone might want to leave a relationship. Although the signs might not immediately be present, taking a step back and analyzing the relationship can help you understand what went wrong. It could have simply been a mutual disinterest, or it could leave one person completely blindsided.

“Humans fall in love for a reason,” says Joel. People are all different and the signs might not all be there, but love is all about trial and error. While this person might not be the one for you, you’ll find someone that not only fits your desire, but loves you just as much as you love them.