Foreword By Simeon Lawson According to Dr K. Anders Ericsson, a task can only be thought to have been truly mastered once you have ten thousand hours under your belt of performing said task. If that is indeed true, then Mr Barker is the Sensei of the kitchen hand world. In the same way that Sun Tzu’s Art of War critically analyses combat and systematically illustrates strategy in military engagement, Rei’s extensive experience is laid out for all to attest. To draw another similarity between this book and Tzu’s classic work, both authors have a true appreciation of the blue collar worker; the gratitude and recognition of those in the working class. The simple beauty, humility and satisfaction that come with a day of manual labour, such as this, should not be underestimated. The enlightened self-awareness displayed throughout this perspicacious text demonstrates the amount of perceptive analysis which has gone into such a project. To document one’s undertakings, as Rei has, demands comprehensive consideration regarding the most significant parts. His selection is impeccable and conveys a relaxed urgency, which
labours to communicate the emphasis he wishes to put on each influential assertion. The philosophical way that Mr Barker lends himself to describing his specific work environment, and ease with which he explains the dynamics at play, demonstrates his profound understanding of the factors involved. Given my own limited personal experience within the world of the kitchenhand, it may seem peculiar as to why I would be writing a foreword for such a text as this. And it’s on this note, which I endeavour to impress on individuals with this perspective, that this book cannot be said to being simply about the sanitary practices of dinnerware. This treatise has countless more benefits for the reader than simply the demonstration of good hygiene practices. This volume has advice regarding possible assistance for those living in this modern tumultuous world, and how you can learn from Mr Barker’s past experiences in order to avoid the very pitfalls which he personally encountered. However when I previously drew attention to my own personal lack of kitchen experience, it’s inaccurate to say I have none at all. For twelve months in grade ten, I performed the medial task of an unappreciated cook in my local Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. Needless to say, I didn’t find the work during my time there to be overly
satisfying and stimulating, and yet there was something surprisingly alluring about the workplace dynamics. My subconscious interest in analysing these relationships took control and I began to attempt manipulation of this perceived hierarchy. Awkwardness ensued as I ventured to attain the approval of everyone within my fishbowl of employment. I did not succeed, however, which definitely had an impact on my limited tenure in this specific environment. On the last day in this position, as I walked from the rear employee entrance with the profound joy of putting this engagement behind me, there was a dramatic realisation surrounding the sheer amount I had learnt through empirical method. By being in this often high pressure workplace (for a fifteen year old), I had picked up a formidable amount, or so I thought, of knowledge and wisdom that I could put into practice in my next job. Mr Barker, in all his wisdom, has gone ahead and done all the hard work for the good of society. By simply reading this seminal thesis, you, the reader, can be the beneficiary of over a decade of dishy insight. One similarity, however, between Rei and I that can be guaranteed is the way which we perceive the world. Given that both of us are humanities students, this systematically analytical paradigm
causes one to see and understand things contrasting with the manner of the typical person. If you ever frequent your local university, it will be evident that those who are involved in the study of liberal arts programs have an alternative outlook when compared to the remaining departments. It is evident throughout this project that this worldview had a profound impact on Mr Barker’s consideration of the events throughout his employment. It’s this considered and well-developed prose which makes up the majority of the Zen of Dishwashing and it cannot be said that any assertions made, within the following pages, are rash and impromptu. It is this forethought, with the added element of honesty which is most endearing about Rei’s character, evident in the advice he delivers with an assured objectivity. Having been a humanity student and soldiered on through the mundane lectures and the unimpassioned tutorials with more than a few professors who would possibly be more appropriate in a wax museum exhibition, I more than appreciate Mr Barker’s application of these skills to a subject of some consequence and virtue. This wisdom gained from working in these culinary surroundings, however, doesn’t simply have a bearing on one’s occupational associations, as this enlightenment often bleeds into other realms of life.
Rei’s understanding of the information he has learnt illustrates this fact, as he continues to draw invaluable revelations from his early vocational life and implement this perspicacity in the other spheres of activity. As all human beings attempt to reduce their possibility of imprudent performance throughout the course of their existence, extracting applicable knowledge from comparable fields of life is an efficacious behaviour through which you’re bound to succeed. It’s safe to say that one definitely does not need extensive involvement in the world of restaurant hospitality or culinary vessel management to appreciate this nonfictional work. The many morsels of wisdom which will be gained through understanding such a text, when implemented, will have a profound effect on all remaining areas of one’s life. In essence, the copious amount of acumen nestled between the two covers of this non-fictional composition is assured to leave you at least a sliver more intellectual substance and worldliness. I encourage you, the reader, to pursue further introverted analysis of the dynamics exposed by your realm of employment, in order to contribute to the ever-increasing refinement of workplace relations. As Mr Barker has extrapolated the applicable concepts out to include everyday life, in
a way which seems accessible to most, it is possible for everyone to scrutinize their employment and grasp invaluable life lessons.
Written by Rei Barker Edited by Gemma Clarke Cover Design by Sammy Attwood
Thanks to Kiara Fox, Frances Barker, Gemma Clarke, Sammy Attwood, Your Friends House; and anyone who buys, steals, burns, reads, hates or loves this book.
The Zen Of Dishwashing I have been washing dishes professionally for 11 years, on and off. I have worked in pubs, hotels, fine dining, catering and even as a chef. My approach to dishwashing has been a philosophical one, so here I am to reflect on that and share it with you. I have been fired a lot. I have been head dishy. I have suffered all manner of injuries in the field, and I have received accolades and awards for excellence. I have read the greats and studied them, from Orwell, Spillane and Bourdain to Dishwasher Pete and The Lad Dasm. As a student of the arts and humanities, I have broken the craft down into several categories. Almost every useful skill I have has been gained from my work as a plongeur; I'm here to share it so that you don't have to do the same. Although, hopefully once I'm done, you just might want to. I have made many sweeping generalisations, but I think for the most part they are justified, or at the very least can be studied for some value. The lessons contained in
these pages are not necessarily dishwashingspecific. I have written them so that any person from any walk of life can take them on board, provided they have an open mind. Anyone can do it, but being a kitchenhand will accelerate the process. I have used the terms ‘dishy’ and ‘kitchenhand’ interchangeably: for the purposes of this book, they are the same. Usually a dishy just washes dishes and a kitchen hand helps prepare food and is generally more useful. That distinction is a lesson and metaphor in itself for whatever job or calling you have chosen. This book is full of such gems. I didn’t intend to write a self-help book - it just turned out that way. If just one person reads this and gets some useful advice out of it, then I consider this project a success. Either way, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of interesting and unique experiences. I hope someone can learn something from them.
Peace, Love and Rubber Gloves. Rei Barker 2013.
Reaching Nirvana through denial of self
Human beings are naturally egotistical, shallow, self-important creatures. Girls are told from a very young age, “You are a princess! You're so pretty.” Boys are made out to be these uncaring, strong 'heman' types. They are regularly informed of their superiority and their importance. Almost every child I went to school with had these coddled upbringings and a hefty sense of entitlement and importance. Is it any wonder that most adults are vain and think that the world owes them a thing or two? It wouldn’t be a far cry to say that I have thought some of these things myself. But thankfully, my experiences as a dishwasher robbed me of these notions. Let me tell you right now - you are a piece of shit. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter. Dishwashing makes you a monk. It transforms you into a ninja. Being broken is quite important. Let’s
take a look at me on one of my first shifts - a fine example of a self-important little cunt. I strolled into a restaurant, a majestic creature 15 years of age. All I had to do was mooch around for a bit and get some free food, then these idiots would give me some money. I'm cooler than everyone here, I thought. These chefs work like dogs for what seems like a lot of money, but who could be fucked? Not I, that's for sure. Predictably, service started and I was under more pressure than I'd ever been in my life. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? MOVE, CUNT!� The lies I'd told on my resume were starting to evaporate. I was plodding along, letting the dishes pile up, silently wondering why no one was helping me. I was expecting thanks for suffering in silence. I was a stoic soldier of dishwashing in my head - how dare this dick in a white hat shout at me!
“I won't be spoken to like that.” I said. “GET THE FUCK OUT!” came the response. The friend of mine that recommended me for the job had to finish my work that night. He was punished for bringing such a poor worker in. I went home feeling good. Of course it wasn't my fault. Some psycho chef had gone off at me - what a nut! Wrong. That had to happen a couple more times before I began to realise that the world didn't owe me a goddamn thing. If I wanted to get anywhere, I would have to start at the bottom and work hard to get there. Lesson one. If you want to teach someone how to work - how to work hard, stick them in the dishpit at a busy restaurant for a couple of weeks. Dishwashing teaches that. There is no room for ego. No space for self-importance. If you can't work, fuck off. In my experience, that is the perfect metaphor for adult life. Most of us will simply not get a break from anywhere. People will teach you once, and if you
can't keep up, you're done. Finished. The world owes you nothing, and the sooner you realise that, the better off you'll be. Do you really need to be told nice things all the time? Must your ego be stroked? Try it. There's nothing quite like being ripped a new arsehole for fucking up during service and just agreeing. Thinking, “Wow, I did fuck up. I deserve this. I am not ‘the shit’.” The person who rips into you, though probably a drug and booze-addled lunatic, is teaching you a valuable lesson. Work hard, try hard and avoid excuses where possible.
It can be a depressingly large hill to climb, but it’s worth it. Suspend your feelings of self-importance, and take the abuse. I’m not saying for a second that you should go through life letting people fuck with you and step all over you. The lesson is to let go of those feelings and be liberated by their absence! There’s plenty of time for praise when you’ve mastered the skills for dishwashing, or even life. I
used to think of myself as a student of martial arts. You know, like in Kill Bill 2 where Uma Thurman’s character is undergoing the cruel tutelage of Pai Mei. You are receiving the abuse because you suck and you are disrupting a well-oiled machine - a restaurant during service. You might think to yourself that while the chef or whoever is correct in their motivation, they could achieve the same results by speaking quietly and calmly. That may be true, but that angry psycho is a metaphor for how life will treat you if you can’t keep up. You will get fucked on. You will get shouted at, dumped, defriended, abused and generally thought less of for being a useless cunt. And trust me, you are a useless cunt. Accepting that is the first step. Get a karate-kid headband, carry some buckets of water up a hill and learn to eat rice with chopsticks.
Once you have crossed that bridge, you are truly ready to embark on your journey of self-discovery,
one unfettered by ego. As an apprentice, it wasn’t until I had been ‘broken’ mentally and spiritually that I was finally free to learn. Your kung-fu master, chef, mother and mentor all know BETTER than you and if you can shut the fuck up and listen, you’ll probably learn something. This applies to people of any age. Too often I see and hear older people speaking in such arrogant absolutes. Having been around for a while doesn’t necessarily entitle you to dictate your opinions or orders to all and sundry. Shut up. Take the student approach: you might be surprised what you hear and learn when you aren’t talking constant shit. Furthermore, learning to accept this will spill over into other areas. Your friends, family and partners will appreciate your newfound ability to listen. Arguments become a breeze once you’ve suspended that impulse to talk all the time. You become calmer and find that solutions and answers to all of life’s problems just present themselves much more easily. Once you purge your brain of
self-important thoughts, you get so much less offended and put-out by trivial insults and slights from friends and strangers. When you think about it, being insulted doesn’t really matter. Imagine a life where such nonsense isn’t an issue. The opportunity to grow in so many ways becomes stronger when you aren’t getting needlessly upset about bullshit.
The value of systems and hard work
Possibly the single most important thing that a life of dishwashing has taught me (besides hard work I’ll get to that) is the value of a good system and systems analysis. It is the very transferrable skill of being able to identify the current dynamic of a system and implement steps to improve it. My life improved monumentally when I realised that indepth focus on what you are doing is extremely valuable.
The moment when I changed from being a shit dishy to a proactive and valued worker was when I complained loudly about having too many dishes and not enough space. It was a large dishpit, but the sheer amount of dishes that came through there had me beat. A chef, let’s call him Michael, came over to me and pointed out that I needed to set up
an assembly line. He pointed to the enormous stack of disorganised pots, pans, cups, cutlery, and plates. He systematically put them in their own little section on my bench and told wait staff where each item had to be placed when they were brought in dirty from tables. He filled up two buckets of hot soapy water, one for cutlery and one for cups. “Let the hot soapy water do your job for you. Instead of scrubbing each individual item, you can have them ready to be placed in the dish machine after ten minutes of soaking.� He then touched the water in my sink and scowled in disgust as he felt the tepid, oily liquid. He drained the sink and filled it with old faithful - hot soapy water. Needless to say, my mind was blown. After ten minutes, my station was empty, the stacking bench full of clean white plates and sparkling pots. Once this ball was rolling I figured out yet more systems and put them in place. I began doing all the items that belonged in the same place at the
same time, streamlining the washing process and preventing backtracking.. I set up more soaking stations under my bench. My days of vigorously scrubbing huge pots were done! These simple steps might seem elementary to the casual observer, but it’s surprising how many kitchenhands I’ve had to impress them upon, and how few are willing to listen to reason. Predictably, these skills have huge crossover potential to areas outside dishwashing. For example, I manage bands as a job. When I first started, I had little-to-no experience in the business, but because I had mastered basic organisation skills whilst dishwashing, I was able to implement workable systems very quickly. When emailing bookers and venues, I would have a template set up and saved for each different kind of email I’d ever need to send. I had a checklist of everything that would need to be taken to a gig, ready to be ticked off when it was time to leave. I’d walk out the
door secure that I had everything I needed, leaving my stress-free brain to engage in other activities. Once you start thinking about the systems that you have in place and ways to improve them, you’ll be surprised at how much it snowballs. Organising your toothbrush cupboard becomes doing your own taxes to reduce expenses. Cleaning your room leads to effectively organising every damn thing in your life. Once your brain starts engaging with systems and how they affect your life, the sky is the limit. It hardly needs to be mentioned how useful this can be. To put this lesson in perspective, I was a disorganised, dysfunctional human for the first 20 years of my life. My room was constantly messy and my finances were in a shambles. Each week was pay check to pay check each pay check gone before I had it. The realisation about systems was a pivotal moment for me. My brain actually changed: it stopped thinking like a child and began to take
responsibility for the state of its affairs. Granted, some of that change can be chalked up to natural maturation of my mental state, but I cannot overstate the importance of this lesson. Think like a dishy. Find your hot, soapy water and fill up bucket upon bucket of whatever that is. Simplify your workload and give yourself time to pursue hobbies or relaxation time. If you ever need inspiration, take the time to go to a McDonald’s. The systems they have in place are the best in the world, and all they have personnel-wise are a ragtag bunch of spotty teenagers. You’ll thank me once you apply these principles and learn to work smart. Working hard, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish altogether. It may seem like I’m teaching you to work smart and then extolling the virtues of working hard, but the two go hand-in-hand. The want to work harder or smarter will breed productivity, and I find that one usually brings the other. If you want to increase productivity, generally your first step is to work
harder. Upon realising this, most people will then set about devising ways of making their existing workload easier. Therefore, I propose that to achieve this, one must want to work hard. If you are just lazy, I’m afraid you won’t find much help in these pages. I assume that if you are lazy, then you probably wouldn’t have purchased and subsequently begun reading such a publication, so let’s assume you are a motivated individual.
Find your inner fire, that concept or feeling that keeps you going. Feeding your family or having more sex are perfectly valid motivators for hard work. It is usually different for each person, so do some serious soul-searching or whatever you call it, and find out! Once you find it, work isn’t work. It’s just the means to an end. Therefore, finding ways to make your time spent at work easier and more productive is in your best interest. Without this fire, you will never get anywhere. The fire keeps our
country running; it keeps our rubbish bins empty. It keeps your dishes clean and your stomach full. Everyone has that in them somewhere, you just have to find it. The rarest and most beautiful kind of fire is the satisfaction of a job well done. Those people find work is its own reward and those people are often successful. They work hard because that is what they do. They have that fire constantly burning to get shit done. Many people will find excuses to extinguish that fire and stifle their potential - don’t be one of them. You deserve your dreams, so don’t be afraid to working hard to get them. The world is full of hard workers who have everything they want, and just as full of talented people who couldn’t be fucked working hard. They are too scared of failure or too lazy to just take life by the dick and jerk that sucker off. Milk it for every last drop, and fuck what anybody thinks. This is your life and no one else is going to give you jack shit!
If you can go one step further and do whatever it is you love for a living, then you have pretty much won at life. Most happy people I know just did what they enjoyed for as long as they could and eventually they started getting paid for it. Imagine what life would be like if money wasn’t a factor! It’s a hard concept to grasp, and it certainly isn’t a new one, but just think about it. Find your thing, and become as good at it as you can. Trust me.
Kitchen Psychology 101 (How to win food and influence people)
Working as the ‘lowest’ ranked employee in a kitchen can be trying. If you allow them to, people will step all over you and dump their shit jobs in your lap. Wait staff will treat your carefully ordered workstation with disregard if you let them. You better believe that chefs will treat you like an idiot if you can’t assert yourself. Kitchens, like life, are often about big personalities and confidence. There are a rare few that prosper socially whilst being an introvert, but they are few and far between, especially in a fast-paced, highintensity environment like a professional kitchen. There will usually be a pecking order - work this out as soon as you start working there and you’ll be on track to making these people eat out of the palm of your hand. It usually goes something like this:
1. Head/executive chef 2. Owner, if they are ever around 3. Sous (2nd ) chef 4. General Manager 5. Restaurant manager/head waiter 6. The rest of the chefs 7. Wait staff 8. Kitchen hands One and two are usually interchangeable. You can expect either the owner or the chef to be at the head of the food chain, barring a few corner cases. Someone who has devoted their life to hospitality must be a sick human with a large personality, 99% of the time. Three and four are interchangeable as well, depending on how hands-on either of those positions are. It’s also not unheard of for the sous chef to be lower down the list, but you get the picture. Notice that the kitchen hand always starts down here. If there are multiple dishies, there may be a hierarchy, but usually chefs will invent one to
play them against one another and manipulate them to work harder. The crux of this list is understanding that as a dishy, you start at the bottom. The trick is to work your way up through cunning, subterfuge, having a distinctive personality and being useful. This process begins on your first day. I find it’s best to remain quiet and analyse the personality types that inhabit your new workplace. The first five people on the list are the ones you need to focus on, but the wait staff and lower chefs play a part as well. Be like water, and wait until someone makes a power play before deciding how much of your personality to show. Work at 80% of your capability for the first day as well. You want to impress them and make yourself useful, but you also don’t want them to be as impressed as they are ever going to be. Creating an early ceiling for their perception of your skill can have a disastrous effect on how you’ll be treated. In 2010 a friend of mine was working as a dishy at a modern Asian restaurant in Melbourne. He wasn’t
really into the fast pace and sheer volume of dishes, so he offered me the job. I wasn’t doing much, so I gladly accepted. I rocked up for my trial shift, worked at about 80%, and remained fairly quiet until the restaurant manager starting giving me shit for my haircut. I continued scrubbing, but made eye-contact and issued a stone-faced, “Fuck you.” We maintained eye-contact for a bit then I laughed and quipped, “cheers mate, I got it this morning.” Once he left I apologised to the chef and explained by saying I’d been sick lately. He said no worries and offered me food and drink. What I did was a risk, but he forced my hand. If I just accepted the insult, it would be open season for slander, or people just wouldn’t talk to me much. That isn’t the worst outcome, but to reap the full benefits of working in a kitchen, one needs to join the ‘boys club’, regardless of gender. I issued the “fuck you” loud enough so that he and the chef could hear, but no one else. Too loud would
embarrass him, and egotistical folk remember that kind of thing. By then pulling back and joking about it, he realised two things: firstly that I wasn’t to be fucked with, and that I wouldn’t take his crap in a subservient fashion. Secondly, that I was an alright bloke and we were equals, someone he could laugh with. How I played things with the chef, first with a display of power, then by downplaying and apologising by feigning sickness, worked a treat. He got the two lessons the other fellow did, but he also was impressed that I was working hard whilst recently ill. It didn’t matter that the other chefs didn’t hear: kitchens are small and gossip-ridden enough that they would find out anyway and think more of me for it. The ‘pretending to be sick’ humble brag is in a class of its own. It doesn’t give your workmates much credit, to be honest, so you need to be very convincing about it. You should always accept food if offered. This, coupled with complimenting it, caters to the chef’s
ego and sets you up for further free feeds and perks. Same goes for wait staff and drinks. People have long memories for that kind of thing, and people remember it when you appreciate a favour. Remember to share what you can with favoured wait staff as a means of rewarding when their good work practices benefit you, and don’t be afraid to stop others from picking at your food. It will often be left on a shelf in your dish pit, which is seen as a communal area. Wait staff will take it upon themselves to take food that’s lying around, especially if no one is watching. Chefs will back you up on this, so take a stand. Being generous has its own rewards. A while back I started working as a dishy/cook at a small café down the road from my place. My wife was already working there as a barista. I talked it up to the owner and head chef and I was in. This place was something else. They had decent food and a cool vibe. They had a lot of minor celebrities in for brunch every now and again. They had good
coffee. The kitchen, however, was an utter shit fight. The chef who hired me was all casual, stressing the no uniform policy and telling me they are all relaxed. No mop to speak of. Filthy hoods and floors and the ‘chef’ I worked with was an incurable slob, both personally and professionally. They didn’t even have hot water. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to wash dishes with cold water, but it simply doesn’t work. They did, however, pay $20 an hour cash. That was the only reason I stayed beyond the first day. I got fired after about two weeks for not being clean enough. I pride myself on being clean, and I took issue with being told that, especially seeing as everyone else was colossally disgusting in almost every way. That day, I had cleaned the roof, walls, hoods and the restaurant floor from back to front. I had cleaned and organised the cool rooms and storage areas. The owner himself called for my termination, sending the head chef in lieu to deliver his message.
You are probably thinking that I would be glad to be shot of this job. In many ways you are right, but as a dishy, getting $20 an hour cash is a godsend, especially if you are collecting some kind of government pension (more on that behaviour later.) What I actually did was fail to recognise the workplace hierarchy and adhere to its rules. The owner was very hands-on and would strut around like an alpha dog. All the employees effectively had to laugh at his ridiculous jokes and pander to his oversized ego. I was just in it for the money and didn’t really care about being part of the ‘cool’ group he had assembled. I was quite vocal about my suggestions for a better workplace, and I don’t think they were appreciated. The crowning incident occurred one sunny lunch service. It was very busy, and the aforementioned slob was furiously making food, as well as much mess as possible. We ran out of numerous products, so I hopped across the road to the shops to restock.
Upon my return, the owner was rushing around the kitchen making things worse. I began clearing the mountain of rubbish from my section so I could prepare food, and he ordered me to sweep and mop. I informed him that I was busy and it would have to wait. He huffed about, and eventually swept and mopped by himself, poorly. He went away to drink beer after that, as owners are wont to do. Come end of shift time, the head chef was waiting for me outside. He took me aside and fired me apologetically. What happened after that is trivial. He fired me, then unfired me, then fired me again. The crux of it was that the owner wanted me gone and there was nothing I could do about it. He had contrived some outrage to justify it, and I was jobless. This is entirely my fault, mind you. As a student of people, I should have immediately recognised the potential for reward there. A little arse-kissing and ego stroking and I would have been set. I suppose it was my own pride that led me to forgo that
process altogether. I should have been quiet and reserved when I first arrived, then this sociopath’s ridiculous nature would have been apparent and subsequently manipulated. One certainly doesn’t need to be a dishy to reap the benefit of my experience here. The basic lesson boils down to analysing the situation and then adjusting your behaviour appropriately. It might seem elementary to some, but I see people time and time again play their cards before they should, tarring themselves with an unpleasant brush. Most people have a huge ego, especially bosses and alpha-types. Being aware that this can be used to your advantage can be supremely beneficial. Similarly, your introverted shy types can be exactly that. By giving them space to come out of their shell, you can often make valuable allies, where others would dismiss them as boring or unworthy of interaction. Above all, being nice to everyone but standing up for yourself usually gets you what you want.
Try it next time you are in a large social situation with varied personality types. Be interested in people and they will bend over backwards to help you. You will occasionally come across a straightup prick, but even they can be handled with care. Be nice, but show power when they test you, and they’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time at all! You will run into these archetypes constantly throughout your life, so be prepared for them. Merely being aware of these principles will open your eyes and streamline social engagements.
The difference between a dishy and a kitchen hand I touched on this subject briefly in my introduction. The not-so-subtle distinction between a dishwasher and a kitchen hand is very important. A dishwasher is strictly there for the dishes. That’s his or her job and they usually don’t need to worry about much else. They may have to mop or take bins out occasionally, but that’s about it. A kitchen hand is an increasingly rare breed. As a kitchen hand I have served food, done ordering, stocktaking, managed other employees and many more things well out of the realm of dishy. I am highly proficient in those areas, and that makes me a valued employee. A good kitchen hand is willing and able to do almost any task a kitchen requires. A good kitchen hand has the freedom to choose their shifts over lesser employees. A good kitchen hand will be protected by chefs from the other staff at almost any cost. A kitchen hand will generally get their pick of food and drink. They will receive royal treatment -
the staff will bend over backwards to keep you happy. It is blindingly simple to draw a parallel between a good kitchen hand and the type of person that you should strive to be. Essentially, being a willing, proactive and capable person is its own reward and opens many doors. That kind of person is exactly what every single employer looks for in a job candidate. If you possess these qualities, every reference you get will be positively glowing. Even if you don’t care for conventional employment, being driven and capable carries its own sense of personal satisfaction. If you are a business owner, you pretty much HAVE to be one of these people. Work really hard and be organised, or say hello to bankruptcy. Wake up, for fuck’s sake. Take the initiative and try to succeed, or get out of the way. If you naturally aren’t like this - and not many people are, don’t despair. You can transform. Enter the chrysalis of self-doubt and laziness and emerge
a motivated and competent butterfly. It is possible, but several things need to be acknowledged and possibly corrected before it can occur. Your mental and physical health is a big one. Your work ethic and approach to tasks is another. We’ll start from the top in the next chapter.
Your body, the temple It is very hard to be proactive and motivated if you don’t have your physical health in a good place, let alone your mental health. Eating healthily and exercising regularly goes a long way towards achieving this. I’ve found that whenever I’m unfit I often have difficulty summoning the motivation to get shit done, and medical science agrees. My endurance has been pathetic, and I find that a poor physical condition is often the result of having ‘given up’ on healthy living. It definitely spills over into other areas, and it gets harder to come back from as you get older. Simply finding that you don’t have the energy to complete a task can be a very demoralising prospect. Your back hurts a lot more easily, your self-esteem can dip if not managed correctly, and despite all the ‘I’m ok, you’re ok’ that people carry on with, being fat or unhealthy changes the way people view you. Not to mention the effect it can have on your desirability to the opposite sex.
If you do eat well and have at least an average exercise regime, then great. Keep that up and you’ll live longer and probably be happier and more efficient. If you are overweight, unfit, or even just unhappy with your body, do something about it! Shut your whinging mouth and get off the couch. You will be happier and healthier if you do something about it, and I can’t really think of two more important factors for a good life.. I have no intention of writing a fitness book or anything like it, so you are on your own for the actual regime you wish to impose, but it is imperative that you do so sooner rather than later. It isn’t that hard either. Try a few methods, see what works for you, and do it. Your body and mind are the best tools you have, and the health of the two is intrinsically linked. Educate yourself about how they work and reap the benefits!
Body and Mind Your mental health is, in my experience, closely related to your physical health. My case is not that special. I lived a life of excess for many years. Drugs, food, alcohol, gambling, slovenliness. I took each of those things to excess and when I snapped out of it, I was a physical and mental wreck. I found myself quite depressed and gripped by an anxiety disorder. I did think for quite some time that I was hard done by, but I managed to shake that off and take responsibility for my issues. I followed my own advice from the last chapter, but more than that - I took to meditation. Breathing exercises, eastern mysticism - whatever you want to call it; being quiet and focusing on your thoughts is very therapeutic for many people. I personally found that it took a lot of practice to actually get use out of it, but once I had, the mental health change for the better surpassed anything I could have imagined.
Until I had reached that next level of mental wellbeing, I hadn’t even realised just how unhappy I was. I reached a zenith of self-awareness and it felt great. Taking that first step is the hard part. You have to pull yourself out of whatever self-imposed prison you’re in and become self-aware. Maybe you are fairly mentally together. That’s great, but improvements can always be made. Meditation for me is like exercise, except for the brain. Also, those monks and whatnot look pretty calm and peaceful. Think about it.
Maintaining one’s personal finances Most dishies will be on a fairly low wage. The average is $15 an hour if you’re getting cash, and about $18 if you’re on the books. Assuming that most dishies would be doing about 30 hours work a week, that’s not a lot of money to take home, especially after you deduct rent and food. You do get dishies doing more than that, but I find dishies on average are doing less and less hours. Necessity is the mother of invention, so it’s vital that when you find yourself in such a situation, you are prepared to streamline the money you do have and know how to use it effectively. First of all, a restaurant is a goldmine of free things, especially if you are a useful and valued employee, not
to
mention
a
resourceful
and
morally
ambiguous person. If you can make your mark and become indispensable, you’ll find that feeding yourself becomes much easier. Take whatever food is offered to you. Even if chefs are throwing food
out, ask if you can take it home. Once you are known to be someone who loves their food, there is no chef alive who will be able to resist the urge to give
you
as
much
as
they
can
spare.
Establishments without a complimentary knockoff drink for every staff member, at a bare minimum, practically don’t exist. I’ve worked in one, and I didn’t stay there very long. If they can’t even shout you a drink after 10+ hours of toil, Allah only knows what approach they’ll take in pay disputes. If your workplace does not have these kinds of perks, seek employment elsewhere! It is an industry standard and occasionally some stingy owner will prohibit this kind of behaviour for some reason. Trust me, it just causes ill will and hurt feelings. No one wants to be involved with anything like that. If you share my views on company property morality, you stand to gain a lot more than just leftovers and uneaten staff meals. Be warned before you read on - you must be very, very careful if you choose to walk down this path/ The potential reward is high, but the risk generally exceeds it.
Disclaimer aside, there is a whole other world out there if you choose to take it. Different restaurants have their own anti-theft measures, but there is ALWAYS a way to circumvent them, and most places aren’t set up to prevent employee theft. The most common problem you will run into will be other thieving workers being concerned that you will ruin whatever game they are running. With this in mind, the devious individual can take pretty much whatever they want, if they apply themselves. This is especially true if you are in the role of the dishy, as you are usually the last to leave, and while you are finishing up, people are getting drunk and generally leaving the prime items unguarded. Alcohol and meat are the two expensive things that an enterprising dishy should target. They are bulky, but if you can take, say, a kilo of Wagyu beef, something that will generally go unmissed, then you’ll be able to drastically cut your own food costs. Vegetables aren’t worth it, unless it’s a particularly expensive item, so be aware what is worth it and
what isn’t. Take what you can, and then plan meals around that item. Alcohol is more or less a luxury item. When you break it down, you don’t really need it, but it’s good to just have stuff lying around. Let’s face it, most people are going to drink from time to time, and it’s expensive as hell. Alcohol is usually harder than to steal than everything except money, so if you see an opportunity and you’re feeling bold, go for it. I find it easy to rationalise this kind of thing. Many people seem to be morally opposed to stealing for some reason, but that’s cool. Do what makes you comfortable. If I were to steal from a workplace, I would justify by saying that they generally make a lot of money and the dishy works quite hard. The owner often does little work, so it’s easy to be resentful and just take it. Be sure to research where the food and drink comes from and who it affects. Sometimes it will be part of the chef’s budget, thus potentially hamstringing a comrade’s end-of-year bonus. It isn’t too hard to find out this kind of thing.
Chefs love talking about food costs and bonuses, so just ask them! This section is far from a definitive guide on how to embezzle: more an eye-opener for those who don’t consider it. It is possible, and it’s easier than you think. Think about it. Far more in-depth guides have been written however, so if you are interested, do some research.
The value of a good network Whenever I’m involved in kitchen work of any kind, I have a core group of lifers that I chat with to get an idea of industry standards and trends. Having a network
of
experienced
and
knowledgeable
individuals is very useful for remaining abreast of affairs, calling in favours, confirming rumours and generally having access to more information. Knowledge most certainly is power, and having access to more opinions will grant you more power. Old adages aside, it is vital. The occasional lone wolf will prosper, but more often than not, those in seats of power have had a lot of help along the way. For example, I was once working as a dishy. I was trying to get away with doing the bare minimum of work at the time, and the general manager was quite the micromanager. During a particularly lazy period, I was doing so little work that he began to bitch about me and my work ethic to people. My
loyal workmates immediately informed me about this, and I pulled my finger out around that guy from then on. If I hadn’t, I almost certainly would have been fired. While that is a basic and trivial example, the simplicity of it outlines my point. Without my network, I would have no job. Once I was able to prove myself to that fellow, I eventually added him to my network and he became useful as well. Essentially, people are great and all that. I believe in basic human worth and that there is intrinsic value in each person. However, the Machiavellian side of me wishes to assert that viewing people as resources can be a good way to go. Simply put, if you are useful to people, they will often be useful to you. The use of a good network extends beyond the limited parameters I outline. Just this year alone I have garnered the following from my network: 2nd
hand work clothes, someone to fill my shift on numerous occasions, loa ns, references and much more. I don’t intend to brag, and it may seem like that’s what everyone does already, but learning to think of what you do as networking can give you the motivation to work harder at it. Everyone can be useful in some way, so I urge you to find out how. If you apply yourself, you can easily gain a working understanding of these principles. Read the clichéd classics - Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, Niccolò Machiavelli’s The Prince, and many more. They are not out-dated: any reasonable thinker can apply the lessons within to any situation.
The mentor/protégé relationship The relationship between the mentor and the protégé is an important one. Having an older, more experienced person that sees your value and potential can be both validating and useful. More often I see this relationship in a non-official capacity. Most people enjoy helping the green where they can, so finding these people and being useful to them is the key to actually getting help. If you can find the kind of person that is willing to formalise that interaction, then you give yourself a head start in whatever field you have chosen. Be aware that it is symbiotic and ideally reciprocal. Your mentor will get someone that is willing to do them favours, assist with projects and generally go out of their way to be useful. The protégé should look for someone that is not necessarily older, just more experienced and successful. You will receive guidance, advice, contacts and more from this person. They shouldn’t be too much more advanced than you, and you need to both treat
each other with respect and acknowledge your role in the relationship. Be aware of the false mentor. The term refers to someone that appears to be in a position above you and treats you like an underling, but doesn’t provide much benefit. This type of person does exist, and will take advantage of you if you let them. If you get into this kind of relationship, I’ve found the best way to deal with it is to move on. Literally, just find another mentor. The false mentor will see that they have been replaced and will leave you alone in most cases. In my experience, finding the mentor is easy. Simply select someone of appropriate position and experience, then ask them for advice. If they are happy to help, and do so more than once, they are the kind of person that you are looking for. Most mentor types are just naturally good teachers, and will temper your questions with patience and understanding.
I was an apprentice chef for a few years, and the first ‘good’ restaurant I worked in was a very busy modern Asian place in Brisbane’s CBD. I got the job through a friend of mine, who was maître d’ there, and I was totally out of my depth. I had worked in busy places before, but this place required one to maintain quality standards during busy times. The other joints I’d worked at would allow those standards to fly out the window as soon as the hammer was down. I was a terrible chef, so when this kind of pressure was applied, I would crumble. Fortunately, there was a slightly older chef who shared some of my criminal inclinations, and he looked after me for whatever reason. He was the fellow who stepped in and schooled me on hot soapy water in an earlier chapter. He prevented me from getting fired on several occasions as well. I did play it up with him and made sure I gave him the ego stroke that he required, as well as listened patiently to his stories. Eventually, all the chefs realised that I could get good drugs, and my job was safe for as few more months. That didn’t stop
this chef from teaching me as much as he could. We remain quite good friends to this day. Predictably, he was one of my finest mentors for many years. I certainly wouldn’t have experienced some of the things I have and made my unique path of professional development a reality without him. Once you take the student approach to life and become willing to listen to everybody, you’ll be surprised at the unlikely places that you can find mentorship.
All work and no play I strive to avoid cliché. Sometimes that isn’t possible, so I’ll use a quote to illustrate my point: all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy. In my vast
experience,
this
is
absolutely
correct.
Moderation between business and pleasure is essential to leading a happy and well-balanced life. You could literally walk into any workplace and see someone in the throes of either extreme, and they aren’t pretty. Take the consummate workaholic they toil and devote themselves to their work at the expense of personal life. They fail to balance these things,
and
happiness
their
personal
inevitably
suffer.
relationships They
can
and be
inspirational with their motivation for work, but the cracks always show, and eventually they crumble in a ball of stress. Conversely, take the serial clown or joker. They take nothing seriously - life is a joke to them. Their co-workers and peers enjoy them in small doses,
but no one wants to work at the same time as them, especially during crunch time. Their attitude can cheers others up, but often they run the risk of drowning in clown tears, figuratively of course. Drowning in actual clown tears is ridiculous. The constant joker usually gets very little done, and uses humour as a crutch for their shortcomings. There are exceptions to both of these extremes. If the total joker is a 10 and the workaholic is a 1, the exceptions would be a 2.5 or an 8.5. I find that sitting as close to either side of 5 as is comfortable to you is the optimal way to approach things. I have personally been at pretty much every point on my scale. I spent the most time at 10, living my life as a joking fool. I never treated anything seriously, and it showed in my work ethic and professional results. I slowly crept down the scale and gradually got to about 1.5. At that time I was working about 80 hours a week, had little time for anything, and was generally a joyless wanker. I
only stayed there for about six months, but coming out of it felt so good. I felt reborn. I learned to enjoy life again, and simultaneously realised the value of moderation. It isn’t hard to waiver back and forth. Sometimes I find myself getting way too into my work. I bring stress to my loved ones from not being able to enjoy things because of what I’m trying to achieve professionally. Getting shit done might seem important, and it is, but if it’s costing you your livelihood, then it can’t be healthy. I urge you to find you happy medium. Your sweet spot where you can achieve what you want, still take time to have fun, and, above all, take some time for yourself. Many, if not all, will only be able to work this out through trial and error. That is perfectly fine, and indeed it is often the best way to learn.
Drugs and such I considered putting this in the chapters Your Body, The Temple or Body and Mind, but relating my experiences in this particular subject is so important to me that it deserves its own chapter. Clichés about drugs and alcohol exist for a reason. Everyone knows or has heard of an alcoholic or junkie, but sometimes the line is perilously close, especially in hospitality. You might not call the 18 year old that drinks every night a full-on alcoholic. You might not consider the cokehead chef a junkie. Hell, you might not even consider your mate’s mum - the prescription pill-popper - an abuser, but they all, to some degree, are substance abusers. It’s all about manageable degrees and functionality. Also, the truth. When dealing with drugs and alcohol, being in possession of the truth is very important. Any government body simply cannot be trusted when it comes to information about drugs. At best, they
spread
reckless,
sensationalist
fear-
mongering. Drug users often cannot be trusted as a reliable source of information either. Drugs are great, and don’t really hurt you at all, they say. I’ll settle it once and for all - it’s somewhere in the middle. Drugs can be a great time, a feeling that can’t really be replicated through any other means, but they definitely can fuck you up too if you let it get out of hand. If you feel the inclination, give them a try. Why the hell not? Life is short; don’t deny yourself potentially positive experiences. I suggest staying away from needles and meth, however - it’s just not worth it. I also maintain that if you have a predisposition to some
kind
of
mental
disorder
or
addiction,
abstinence could be a good move. Drugs can definitely bring up buried mental issues, especially if used habitually, so be honest with yourself and make an appropriate choice. Do some research, ask people you respect and make an informed decision. Government pseudo-propaganda is very unreliable. It is a shame that is has to be that way.
Imagine if people found out that you won’t get immediately addicted from trying any drug once. There would be chaos in the streets! Yeah right. In any case, this is just one person’s opinion. While it is an informed one, I urge you to find out what is right for you, and do what feels right in comfortable surroundings. Some of the best party times I’ve had have involved drugs, and some of the most spiritually-enlightening moments have been aided by powerful hallucinogens. On the other hand, some of my darkest times have been directly because of various substances, so tread carefully. Educate yourself. Think for yourself.
I’m out So it looks like I wrote a short book. I feel like I’ve covered everything in these pages - at least enough to give you a good start at being happy. I certainly don’t have all the answers to life, but I’m happy. That seems rarer and rarer these days, so give it a crack and see how it goes. Never give up and don’t be afraid to fail. I also provide a service if you bought
this
book.
You
can
www.yourfriendshouse.com or
reach
me
at
and ask me any
question, and I will answer it to the best of my ability. If you invest your money into something I’ve put my blood, sweat and tears into, then you have bought a little part of me. Thanks for reading. Rei Barker 2013