NEWBIE, AGAIN

Compe Lockwood

Happy birthday, Second Life. This summer marks 19 years of virtual reality becoming reality. For until the Lindens opened their pixeled empire in June 2003, we had little choice but to toil in the real world. But not now, and I say: hallelujah.

Thanks to Second Life, we have alternatives. Gone are the real world days of asking total strangers in Walmart if they would like to dance, only to have the police become involved. In SL, dancing with strangers is not only permitted, it is encouraged.

Similarly, in RL, most of us have little success in being vampires, furries, mermaids, sea creatures, reptilians, or the Brady Bunch. But in Second Life, you can choose most of the above on any given day. Many of us do.

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I will never return to Super Mario. Minecraft?— little block men walking around and grunting while foraging for carrots? Oh please. And don’t get me started about Fortnite, where thousands of kid warriors bow to their teenage leader who probably wears dental braces.

Show me the Fortnite warrior that doesn’t have real life acne, and I’ll buy your lunch.

But Second Life— yes! Now there’s a world for adults. But it comes with a caveat.

Like porcupines in a balloon factory, this place takes time to master. For newbies, the virtual world is a daunting task.

The best way to help SL novices is to experience Second Life through newbie eyes— including the enlarged pupils set in coconut heads with plastic hair. You’ve seen newbies in their SL standard issue Sears and Roebuck clothing obtained at garage sales hosted by alcoholics. You probably laughed at them, but shouldn’t have. We were all newbies once.

Except me, for today I am a newbie twice. My first time was 14 years ago, but today I created a new avatar to venture Second Life through a newbie’s body, including the baseball bat-size appendage male newbies often use for their – never mind. Please welcome one of Second Life’s newest

residents: Darth Bama.

A new SL creation lands on one of several tutorial islands. Mine was Welcome Island, which includes hands-on intuitive lessons in the basics. It is also a newbie safe place of kindred spirits. For on Newbie Islands, everybody is just as unattractive as everybody else.

But for Darth Bama and peers, this is the new frontier. We follow the course laid out for basic

training. “Press this key to go left,” the sign says. “Press this key to go right,” another trail notice proclaims. Select yet another key to rotate, jump, skip, run— you name it.

The Lindens could save time by simply posting modified lyrics to the Hokey Pokey – “You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about!” No shaking appendages before the turnabout—take it easy on the new kids. But, I got this. Let’s move on.

With elementary knowledge in hand, new skills mastered, and clad in newbie Chairman

Mao party suits, we novices leave boot camp. Make sure you understand it all.

Be patient. The virtual world takes months to learn. I still don’t know it all— like, why are there Second Life airports when avatars can fly?

You will encounter Instant Messages (IMs), personal private correspondence between two avatars. Second life IMs are often written in code, for example “I am over 18” means “I am 19.” Another would be “I am not like this in real life.” This translates to: “In the real world I neither wear bat wings nor have a tail.”

Second Life will also generate IMs such as “Your avatar complexity is 100 percent. Everyone can see you.” That message typically appears three minutes after your rezz naked as a jaybird at a ballroom formal dance.

Your complexity may be complete, but SL probation is just beginning. Don’t ask how I know. Like everything else, Second Life, though technically free, requires money to

advance beyond the newbie stage. The latest in clothes, skins, and bodies can be expensive, so be sure to purchase the latest updated versions.

New versions change constantly, so here is how you know what the latest is: Spend about $15,000 lindens on current avatar bodies, skins, and clothes. Two weeks later, the new version will come out. That’s the one you should have bought.

My newbie, Darth Bama, discovered a pleasant surprise. Linden homes are very nice and much improved from the early days of the Little House on the Prairie. Paid SL terms include a Linden Home in the package.

Others opt for more extravagant dwellings, from larger houses to full blown castles. But residential property can come later. Darth Bama lives off the land and does just fine.

In fact, living in an idyllic rural setting, Darth Bama made friends with area woodland creatures who turned out to be furries. He had a lovely dance with a chipmunk.

The point is, Second Life is what you make it. DarthBama(andCompeLockwood)findsthatmost exciting. So thank you, Linden Labs, on this your 19th year. Wow, imagine what the 20th anniversary will offer. As for Darth Bama, Compe Lockwood, and a dancing chipmunk, we cannot wait.