Finding Mr. Right
1st Edition v1.03
The Relationship Gym www.therelationshipgym.com
The Relationship Gym Ltd. Copyright Š 2004 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recorded or otherwise without written permission from the publisher.
Finding Mr. Right Introduction About This Product Birth of This Product The Single Most Important Thing To Do To Find Your Man 52% of Marriages Fail – How Not To Be One Of Them Why 70% of Married Couples Secretly Wish They’d Had Help Finding Their Partner How Sarah Found Matt Within 2 Weeks Imagine Being With Your Ideal Partner Right Now
4 4 7 8 10 11
PART 1 – RELATIONSHIP REALITY What Is Love? Your Personal Experience Has The Media Messed You Up? The Phases Of Love Infatuation (more commonly known as Romance) The Power Struggle Co-Creativity Why More Than 50% Fail At Love
18 19 19 20 23 23 25 26 28
PART 2 – DEFINING WHAT YOU WANT Introduction What You Need To Be Happy In A Relationship Get Your Needs Met Chemistry Stop Repeating Your Past Mistakes Identify What Attracts You A Theory of Attraction What really lights your lights? A Clear Picture of Your Perfect Partner Who You Need to Be to Attract Your Perfect Partner The Concept Of Market Value The Dating Wheel Appearing Available Your Sexual Pilot Light Confidence vs. Self-Esteem One Last Thing! Know Your Values
29 30 31 31 39 40 42 42 43 46 56 56 57 64 64 66 69 69
PART 3 – DATING AND DANCING Tracking Down Your Partner Multiple Dating Internet Dating Getting Over Your Fears About Internet Dating Maximising the number & quality of dates you get Learning To Deal With Dates When They Start Coming
74 76 77 80 80 82 88
www.therelationshipgym.com
12 14
Finding Mr. Right 2
Through Dating Safely Speed Dating The 5 Biggest Mistakes To Avoid Personal Adverts Other Ways of Getting Dates How To Get A Date How Do I Know He’s Interested? The Smile Your Lingering Eyes Making An Approach What Do I Say? Second Date or Escape? Summary
90 93 93 102 103 104 104 105 106 109 109 111 114
Appendix 1 – The Top 10 Tips for a Great Relationship Appendix 2 – Useful Dating Contacts Speed Dating UK USA Europe Internet Dating UK USA Europe Photography UK USA Europe Other Dating Assistance Disclaimer
117 118 118 118 118 118 118 118 118 118 119 119 119 119 119 120
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 3
Introduction About This Product Welcome to Finding Mr. Right (or FMR as I sometimes refer to it). So you want to find your Mr. Right. Our aim with this product is to give you the knowledge and a strategy that’s worked time and time again so that you can find the gorgeous man you want to be with for the rest of your life. The book is separated at its highest level into 3 sections. The first section will educate you on the essentials of successful relationships. Why? Because before you go searching for your man, there are some critical ground rules you must know in order to make your relationships work Getting clear on the real truth about relationships - the 3 important phases of a relationship and how to deal with them when they arise is as important to your future happiness as picking the right man. Gwen illustrated a few of the pitfalls around the realities of relationships. She unconsciously believed that the men she met needed to meet virtually every one of her needs. She was setting unrealistic expectations and ended up rejecting some potentially perfect partners all because she didn’t think they’d meet her needs. It also became clear to Gwen that she wasn’t nurturing the relationships she did have. Again, she had a belief that once she’d found a partner, it would all be smooth and maintenance free running from there on in. Her beliefs about the realities of relationships, which she wasn’t aware of at the time, were damaging her chances of ever finding her Mr. Right. The real truth about relationships… Listen to Gwen on how she found out that her reality of relationships prevented her finding her Mr. Right. (62 second recording)
Gwen, although not conscious of her beliefs, didn’t have a realistic view about how relationships work and what to expect in each of the 3 phases of a relationship. She was potentially throwing away lots of Mr. Rights – and didn’t understand why it was happening.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 4
Section 2 helps you: define what you need in a partner, identify whether you’re ready to attract your Mr. Right and what changes you must make, if any, to make it happen within 2-18 months from now. What you need in a partner isn’t just the 6 foot, dark hair, blue eyes description. It’s possible for someone to fit that description, yet be a total bastard, cheat on you regularly and treat you like dirt! So although some physical characteristics are no doubt important to you, what really makes you happy in a relationship long term is whether your partner meets your needs. If you feel loved, happy and cared for when someone hugs you and holds you close – you must find someone who is naturally tactile. If feeling safe in a relationship is an important need for you and safety for you means your partner telling you regularly that he thinks you’re doing a great job at work, at home, etc. then you need someone who naturally talks about his admiration for what you do. In section 2 I’ll lead you through a way of working out your most important needs so that you can quickly identify whether the potential partners you meet have what it takes to make you happy in a long term relationship. Because if you don’t get those needs met your happiness will be short lived. And yes – you do get a chance to define some of his physical characteristics too! Also, it’s possible that you may need to examine how you project yourself to potential partners. It’s possible you may need to work out whether you’re going to be able to attract the kind of guy you’ve described in the first half of section 2 of the book. So I’ll also help you to review the 8 areas that are critical to being able to attract your Mr. Right and help you work out how to easily improve your ability to attract him. Jenny was a classic example of not being clear on who she really needed or being ready to attract him. She was chasing the wrong type of men and when men would approach and talk to her she’d deliberately push them away – even though they potentially could have been Mr. Rights. Previously she wasn’t even aware of either issue! All she knew was that she was thirtysomething and hadn’t found her Mr. Right yet. Know if you’re ready to find him… Listen to Jenny. She, raised her attraction levels from a 4 to a 6 ½ or 7 on FMR, changed the type of man she was after and discovered why she needed an extra couple of weeks before she went seeking her Mr. Right! (98 second recording)
11 months after finishing the course, Jenny met her Mr. Right.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 5
Section 3 of this book is about getting out there and finding your man. Would you like to know how to maximise your flirting ability? Would you like to know where the best possible places are for you to date? Would you also like to know how to filter out the men that aren’t long term partners as quickly as possible? Good, then you’re about to learn how to find your man in as short a time as possible. I normally say 2 months is a minimum, but Sarah even beat that! Transform your ability to find your Mr. Right… Listen to Sarah who changed her ability to talk to men so much so that her friends thought she was crazy! Or were they just jealous? (48 second recording)
Sarah found her man just 2 weeks after this recording. Although Sarah benefited massively from getting very clear on who she wanted as a partner, what made it possible for her to find him in 2 weeks (along with just a bit of good fortune) is that she became able to meet a lot of men in a very short period of time. Even though Sarah was exceptionally busy at work, I showed her how to maximise the precious time she had to meet the most number of suitable men.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 6
The structure of the book mirrors the way I taught the group teleclasses and it’s written this way for a very good reason. If you get out there and start dating heavily without knowing what will create a great relationship for you, you will inevitably fall into the same sort of relationship patterns you have in the past. So this time you’re going to do something different. This time you’re going to work out exactly what you need to create a great relationship before you go out and start searching. Because in order to find your Mr. Right, you first need a clear picture of who he is. Then you must date relentlessly to find him. And as simplistic as it may seem, these are the two major areas where people fall down. They either don’t have a true picture of whom they need (although a lot of my clients think they do) or they aren’t able to date in a way that makes them capable of finding that special person. This course is a foundation for your dating success and I like to view it as though you’re wheeling a rocket out on to the launch pad and going through all the pre-launch checks to ensure that you’re really going to get where you want to go. NASA had a very accurate flight plan for their most famous moon landing. They knew where they were going, how long it was going to take to get there, the problems they might face along the way and what they’d do about it. They certainly didn’t say, ‘We’ll just get out there and try a few planets until we find the one that’s right for us’. It would be ridiculous for me to claim that you’re going to meet your perfect partner in the time it takes you to complete this book. A couple of my clients on the teleclasses have, but it’s unusual. My desire is that through completing this course you stop making the classic mistakes that women make looking for a mate. You will stop wasting years in relationships that aren’t going to give you what you want and begin to raise your standards when it comes to the men you agree to date. You may find it useful to print off a copy of this document as there are a considerable number of exercises where I ask you to write down answers. Alternatively I’ve included as part of this product a ‘workbook’ which is a copy of just the exercises. If you’d prefer not to print out the full book I recommend printing out the workbook. Or you can get a book or pad of paper to note your exercise answers on as you go through it. I also strongly suggest that you listen to the recorded teleclasses as well as completing the exercises. When you complete the work and put this programme fully into action you can expect to meet your Mr. Right within 18 months, maybe even as little as 2 months from now – imagine that!.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 7
Birth Of This Product Finding Mr. Right was created by three people dedicated to the belief that everyone is capable of having a loving, life-affirming relationship. This workbook provides the essential tools and information so you can achieve all the love you want. Michael Myerscough, as you will read later, is uniquely positioned to write this workbook after 18 years of experience (at the time of writing) with coaching individuals into healthy, thriving relationships. Mike Thomlinson, co-founder of The Relationship Gym and fellow relationship coach, poured his passion into this project by assisting Michael in the development of the materials, the exercises and helping bring the final product to you. Cathleen Williams is the editor of this workbook. She fine-tuned many of the ideas and lessons for your reading ease and enjoyment. In summary, she is a real life ‘spell checker’.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 8
The Single Most Important Thing To Do To Find Your Man Commit to finding him. Yes, that’s it. The single most important thing. I know it sounds glib. I know it sounds to simplistic. And you probably also feel you are committed to finding him. But let me explain. I do know you are interested in finding him. You’ve taken the trouble to get this book after all. But as a coach, I know only too well, that things are likely to get in the way of you following through fully on this process. Committing to finding him is the difference between you definitely finding him and not. We often blame lack of time, pressures of work, family matters, etc from stopping us from doing things we really want to. But here’s the crux of it. If you struggle with completing any of this it is down to just one thing… You are associating more pain with the process than pleasure. You are associating more pain with going through the process of finding your man (within 18 months) than the pleasure of living with him for the rest of your life (decades). You are holding a set of beliefs about the pain you will experience by going through the exercises, or the dating, or the relationships to find your man. Or perhaps you hold the most destructive belief of all, that you won’t find a partner for you. You may well have been through a lot of painful relationship experiences that could be holding you back from putting your full self into this. Or maybe you are prioritising other things in your life that you see as more important. Whatever it is that blocks you through this process (and you will face blocks along the way) it always comes down to your belief that this relatively short process will bring you more pain that the reward of pleasure that waits at the end. If you let those beliefs win over you, then you will have lost one of the most, if not THE most pleasurable experiences life has to offer. In my experience it’s essential that you get clear on the following point. The beliefs that you have, that may block you at some point through this process, are not true. Not True. If you choose to believe them, then you won’t complete the process. You may believe that internet dating is for ‘losers’ and decide that you don’t need to do that part of it. Or you may believe that you’re too busy to fit reading this book and doing the exercises in between your hectic work life and your fast disappearing social life. Perhaps you believe that given you’ve spent 5, 10, 15 years or longer not finding him that you really don’t have a chance of finding him whatever you do. Whatever belief you hold to be true that stops you from doing the work and following through is holding you back from finding your perfect partner. It is only your beliefs that hold you back. And all www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 9
you need to do when you recognise that you’ve come across one of these blocks is to ask yourself, “What would I do if the opposite were true?” If you can’t remember the above question I ask you to come back and read this chapter again any time you are facing a block in the process. Later on in the book I point out some hugely important exercises and emphasise that you must do them. If you feel like you want to skip them, or tell yourself you’ll come back to them later, it’s actually about your limiting beliefs. To change that belief, or prioritise finding your man over that belief, is the most important key to you finding him. I wish you every success. You really do deserve to find a wonderful man who’ll love you forever and I’ll do all I can in this programme to help you find him. If you get really stuck please get in touch with me, I’m here to help.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 10
52% of Marriages Fail – How Not To Be One Of Them One of the most important things I’ve learned is that almost everyone, including the men around you, are looking for exactly what you’re looking for… a long-term loving and committed relationship. In fact I’ve yet to meet anyone who sets out looking for a relationship full of bitter silences, flaming arguments and the occasional infidelity. However, according to the Office of National Statistics (UK) 52% of all marriages fail. With those kinds of figures clearly something is wrong. There’s more to getting this whole process right than just getting dates and getting married. Dear Michael!! “Knowledge of your course should be mandatory and examined for every couple before they book the church/register office! M.N.
But that’s what we’re all culturally conditioned to do. Nobody teaches us how to find the right partner. Nobody gives us a great example of how to go through the process. Most of the people you know who are with long term partners, just met, fell in love and settled down together. Only 52% of them got it wrong!
52%!!!!! That statistic is well worn. If you say it quickly, because we’re so used to it, it kind of passes you by. But it’s still staggering to me. The massive wrench of separation and divorce is unfathomable to most of us who haven’t been through it. It’s one of those, ‘It will never happen to me’ situations. But if it does, boy will you regret ever underestimating the impact of that statistic. Very few people actually realise – at an emotional level – just how life wrecking divorce can be. And very few people actually commit to a long term relationship thinking it will end in divorce. So this book isn’t just helping you find your Mr. Right because I want you to get the right man for you. It’s also about helping you avoid the possibility of going through divorce or a major separation. That may not be your aim in buying this book, but it’s certainly one of the biggest aims for me in writing it. And we haven’t even got on to the subject of how separations can affect your children if you have any with the partner you’re leaving.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 11
If all this seems irrelevant to you because you’re just struggling to find men, then let me reassure you it’s not. Once you’ve followed the advice and exercises I give you, you won’t be short of available men to date. It may seem silly to be talking about divorce when all you’re looking for is the right man. But the reason I emphasise it, is to ensure that you have additional motivation for going through this process. One in two of you reading this right now have the chance of divorce. As they say in the lottery – it could be You! So make sure it isn’t. Follow the exercises in this book. Take the tough decisions to get rid of the partners who aren’t quite right for you. And avoid the potential pain of divorce and separation in the future. Hi, I am really enjoying your book. I'm taking my time to read the book and complete the exercises (as opposed to just reading thru and never looking at it again, which is my usual reading style). I completely agree that the value is in completing the exercises. Thanks for writing such a useful book, which is relevant and practical. The exercises in the workbook make me thing about things in a way I have never before. Over the past couple of months I’ve starting to think relationship skills, interpersonal skills, knowing yourself, etc are things we should be teaching in our schools, not learning at 30!
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 12
Why 70% of Married Couples Secretly Wish They’d Had Help Finding Their Partner At first a lot of my clients really baulk at the idea of a) getting any help to find their man, or b) following some sort of process to find him. I can’t blame them. It’s certainly not common practice… well, not yet anyway ;-) And I really want to congratulate you on taking the first step to finding your man by getting this book. You are clearly ready to take action and attract your perfect partner. I think you can probably see from the previous section (about the 52% divorce rate) why you will benefit from this book. But that still doesn’t answer the question, how do other people, who don’t get divorced, manage to find their partner with no problems at all? 48% of people do manage to find their life long partner and stay with them. However, not all of them have found the love of their life. I don’t have the statistics to back this one up, but I know experientially from my work that I get lots of clients who are still together in relationships that feel far short of their Mr. or Miss Right. They stay together because of the kids. They stay together because they believe that’s just how relationships are. They stay together because they don’t believe they’ll find anyone else to love them and “it could be worse than it is”. So some people who get together and stay together aren’t in the loving relationships they’d always hoped they’d be in. It’s just they get stuck in them for one or other reason. And the pain of getting out is worse than the pain of staying in. So maybe we’re down to 40% (or even 30%!) of people that are truly happy in relationships. How do they find their partners? Some by luck. Some because they have a looser set of requirements for who makes an ideal partner. Some because they met loads of potential partners. There are lots of reasons. But for some reason, you haven’t yet. And everything happens for a reason. One of the jobs of this book is to help you discover for yourself (or confirm once and for all) what has stopped you from finding him, and to give you the tools you need to go out and find him now. So not everyone needs a book to help them find their ideal partner. But as well as the singles out there looking for their partner, there are about 60-70% of married people who wish they’d had some help and advice picking their partners too.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 13
How Sarah Found Her Mr. Right Within 2 Weeks I’ve been working as a counsellor and therapist for the past 18 years and I specialise in the area of relationships. I believe that the quality of our relationships is the most profound indicator of the quality of our lives. For many people their relationships have been a place of real heartache and pain. It’s especially painful because deep down we know that our relationships could also be the most special and joy filled places in our lives. I used to specialise in working with couples until I realised that often the biggest problem in my clients relationships was the fact they ever got married. So I began researching what made the difference between a good relationship and the great relationships that we all want. Over the last few years I’ve developed and refined this process so that it’s guaranteed to leave you in a position to get yourself that great relationship you’ve always wanted. I’ve assisted thousands of people to design and live a life they love. I have shelves full of books about relationships and have read everything I could find to simplify the process of finding everlasting love. I’ve witnessed some horrific relationships full of resentment and pain and seen the effects it has on those who grow up around them. I’ve therefore made it my own mission to figure out a strategy for not only finding your love for life, but also keeping the love you find. If you’ve read many ‘find a partner’ books you’ll know they fall into two main categories. The first being strategies for getting yourself a husband and the second being how to have a relationship. It’s always struck me as slightly odd and a bit suspect that the ‘How to get a Man’ type books don’t seem too overly concerned with the kind of man you get with or how you manage to build a relationship worth loving. That’s why this course has proven to be particularly successful. Not only does it help you to accelerate the process of finding a man, but it also ensures that you go searching for the right one and you know how to handle the inevitable challenges that will arise in even the most perfect of relationships. If you want to find your man within 18 months then I need you to make Finding Mr. Right your latest and greatest hobby. I would like you to see it as a quest that will test you in ways you’ve never been tested. Yes, there is an element of luck whether you find your man in the first month or the 18th month. But one thing’s for sure. If you don’t follow through on this work you are seriously damaging your chances of finding him.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 14
Many of my clients are successful in finding their man, but one example is amusing if for nothing else than she took the course as part of a journalistic assignment she was doing for handbag.com at the time. Here’s what Sarah Ewing said at the beginning of the Finding Mr. Right course… “Frankly, I'm beginning to think it would be easier to track down Osama bin Laden than find my Mr Right.” 2 weeks after finishing the course she met Matt. 4 weeks later she wrote this in her postscript… “Six weeks on, Matt and I are incredibly happy together. He's an absolute dream – he's so kind and considerate and great fun to be with. I couldn't have imagined things going better – it's so easy between us and we're the perfect match.” “Funnily enough, the other day he told me that he'd drawn up a list of qualities he was looking for in a girl, as I'd done for a bloke back in Week 3, and that I was everything he wanted, and in turn, he is everything I wanted, awwwwwwww (yeah, I know, pass the vomit bucket).” That last paragraph is vital, as you’ll find out in the book. Knowing specifically who you’re after is one of the keys we’ve already mentioned to finding your Mr. Right. Not just because it’s easier to find your man when you know exactly what you need, but more importantly because when you do fall for someone you can be very sure whether it’s the real thing, or whether it’s the love, the romance or the chemicals in your brain that are make you delusional. (If you haven’t already and you want some inspiration for your own search you can read Sarah’s full diary of events starting here.)
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 15
Imagine Being With Your Ideal Partner Right Now Let’s kick off with the first simple exercise. In a moment I’m going to ask you to take a few moments to imagine what it would be like to have found your Mr. Right between 2 and 18 months from you finishing this book? Imagine sharing your days with a partner who is not only your best friend but also someone you deeply desire physically. Can you picture yourself with him right now? Can you imagine being completely in love with each other, feeling a deep sense of connection and belonging that feels really natural, knowing with absolute certainty that you both want to share the rest of your lives together? What would that be worth to you? Well? What would it be worth to you?
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 16
Exercise (5 minutes) You’re going to need to use a little imagination with some of the exercises I give you and this is the first. If you would like to follow the exercise on the recordings, which might be easier than reading the instructions, click the following link to go to class number 5 and find the relevant start point for the exercise. You’ll find it at about 5 minutes and 50 seconds into the recording. If you’re listening using Real Audio Player you should just be able to drag the time indicator along the bar to approximately the right point in the recording. Now, to the exercise… I’d like you to pretend, somewhere deep inside yourself that you’ve already met your perfect partner and you’re somewhere off in your future living with a person who you not only love dearly but you know, without a doubt, that they love you dearly too. They treat you with all the tenderness you know you really deserve. You wake up every morning with this man and are thrilled to see the smile on his face as he remembers just how lucky he is to have found you. You know without a doubt that this is the man for you and rest easy in the knowledge that your search is over. Yes, there may be a few struggles somewhere ahead but you know you can work all that out because you’re truly worth it to each other. It doesn’t have to be like a Hollywood production, just get a sense of it somewhere inside you. Now close your eyes and just take some time to feel how that would feel? Where would you feel that feeling? Place your hand on that piece of your body and pretend to be breathing directly into that area, as if you’re allowing a warm glow to spread through and develop in your body. How does it feel knowing that you’re capable of finding that kind of love? What would that feeling be worth to you? Are you willing to put in the extra work it’s going to take? Do you think it might be worth reading the rest of this book if I told you that you can get that feeling in your life?
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 17
This course would generally take three months to complete, but you don’t have to take that long. If you want, you could listen to all the calls today. However, please make sure you do the exercises. If they weren’t brilliant I wouldn’t have included them. These are the same exercises people pay me thousands of pounds to walk them through. Do not let the fact that you bought this for such a small fee confuse you. This program stands to save you a huge amount of pain and money so make a commitment to yourself and let me know how you get on with it. One last thing – sometimes it helps to know that the people that have gone before you have got the results you’re after. Not everyone’s looking for the same thing from this programme, so here’s a variety of what just a few of my clients have written to tell me they’ve achieved. Dear Michael I completed the Mr Right course back in March and whilst I really enjoyed the course and learnt loads, I was disappointed to realise that actually, I wasn't as ready as I thought I was for Mr Right. With your support I have worked through those issues and within 6 months I have met the most amazing guy. He is tall, dark and handsome, and intelligent and caring and adores me, and the most incredible man I have ever met. Thank you so much, I am clear that without you I would be in a very dodgy relationship instead of an amazing one THANK YOU. Many, many thanks Jenny
Michael, I wanted to drop you a note to thank you. After applying some useful tips I picked up in your book I attended a Speed Dating event and bingo met my partner! We've been together ever since and things are looking bright for the future! Rosemary
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 18
Hello Michael I’m just writing to say how much I am enjoying your book. Even though I’ve just met someone who I feel is my soulmate your book is offering great practical exercises and tips on how to find out if he is Mr Right. With warm wishes, Lisa
Hi Michael I am finding the course really helpful - I'm engrossed! You're a star! Keep up the good work ... I'm going to do the same to find myself my Mr Right! Best wishes Chris
Michael Hi! The workbook is great and it's interesting to note how much things have changed for me since I did the teleclass almost 12 months ago. I really appreciate all the support you have given me. Lyn
Hi Michael Just had to share some good news with you. I had the results through from my speed dating night and am pleased to report that 13 of the 20 guys I talked to wanted to date me. I ticked 6 that I liked and every single one of them also ticked me so I now have 6 dates to cram into the next few weeks!! It’s just magic. I’m so pleased. Gemma
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 19
Do you really want to find your Mr. Right? That’s it then. The first chapter done. Now it’s back to that single most important thing in finding your man: Commitment. To get the ‘Finding Mr. Right’ book now just visit the following page and enter in your details. http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/javanof.asp?MerchantID=54435&ProductI D=2479807 For less than you’d spend on an evening out you can access a book that, in the words of those that have already read it – is enjoyable, practical, should really be taught in schools, and most importantly works to find you your man. Get the book now and you can start looking forward to finding your man within 2-18 months.
www.therelationshipgym.com
Finding Mr. Right 20