The Search for Acceptance

Beginning the Journey

AIm: To understand the first task of grief—to accept the death of our loved one.

invitAtion to PrAy

SoNG: “Companions on the Journey,” Carey Landry, OCP. To download this song, visit www.ocp. org/renew-music

LeAdeR: Invite one person to read aloud the gospel passage and another to read the selection adapted from St. Teresa of Ávila.

A reading from the Gospel According to John (20:11-18)

But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?”

Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she told them that he had said these things to her.

The Gospel of the Lord.

ALL: Praise to you, Lord Jesus christ.

Reading

Let nothing disturb you; Let nothing dismay you; All things pass, God never changes. Patience attains all it strives for. The one who has God Finds he or she lacks nothing. God alone suffices.

Teresa of Ávila

What word, phrase, or image from the scripture reading or poem touched your heart or spoke to your life?

Pray the following together: Lord, we are on a journey that we are not prepared to take. Guide us as we stumble on our way. Help us to know that you are with us even if we cannot feel your presence. Show us a light so that the darkness does not overwhelm us. Be our companion on this journey of grief. Amen.

Reflection 1

When a loved one dies, we begin an unfamiliar trip with no map, no itinerary, and no one to call to find the best and shortest route. There will probably be plenty of detours and delays, and we will wander aimlessly on this road. As soon as we start, we begin to feel lost.

We ask God to lead us to safe waters, to guide us along the way. Even though it may be dark, we will not fear, for Scripture reminds us, “He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:3). The road leads us to a painful crossroad: someone whom we loved has died and will not come back. This reality is painful. This person who brought joy to our world, gave us love, security, companionship, and maybe even life itself has left this world and has gone on to a place that is a mystery to us. In this world, we will never be able to talk, see, smell, or touch this person again. We are plunged into a silent cavern. In the stillness, the world falls down like sand through an hourglass; small particles falling through space and time, colors blending into each other until there is total darkness. No road looks familiar.

At times, the world looks different and frightening, because someone we love is gone. We look for answers, and we are confronted with nothingness. We try to turn back but the past is gone. We try to look forward, but the future seems empty. Time has stopped and we question if we will ever be able to move again.

We read in the Gospel of John that Mary Magdalene went to Jesus’ tomb grief-stricken, and her anguish intensified when she found the tomb empty. When she realized the person whom she had taken for a gardener was Jesus, she was overjoyed, thinking she had Jesus back to stay. However, Jesus told her not to cling to him. In other words, life could not return to the way it had been, and Mary needed to let go of the past so that Jesus could ascend to his Father. Her relationship with him would be altered, but it would not end.

So, too, with us. Our worldview has changed. There is a large hole in our vista. The reality of this loss takes a long time to accept. When someone dies, even if the death was expected, there is the sense that this isn’t really happening. This sense can be magnified if we cannot visit our loved one in the time leading up to his or her death—either because of distance, our own inability to travel, or a social condition such as the corona virus pandemic that rules out contact with those who are ill. Many of us will call out for our loved one, may sense his or her presence, and even go searching for him or her.

invitAtion to shAre

• If you choose, share the name of the person you are grieving, your relationship with that person, and how that person died.

• In what way did the prayer or reflection touch you?

• How would you define “grief”?

• What surprises you the most about your feelings right now?

Reflection 2

For two years, Charlotte watched her young husband, Bob, struggle with colon cancer. She witnessed the deterioration of his body until his body was just a shell of the person he once was. At the hospital, on the last day of his life, they prayed together that God would relieve his suffering and take him home. When the moment of death came, Charlotte was relieved that Bob was no longer in pain, and she was comforted by her belief that he was with God. When Charlotte returned to her home that night, she was shocked by her reaction. Charlotte realized that the “sick” Bob had died, but she truly expected the “well” Bob to be waiting at home for her. Charlotte was ready to accept that the “sick” Bob would go, but her heart wanted the “well” Bob to remain.

Is your mind accepting the reality of the loss more easily than your heart is? Has this been exacerbated by your inability to be with your loved one during final illness, or even at the time of death? The heart wants to turn back, but our minds tell us it is impossible. We will see reminders of our loved ones everywhere. The absence of one person is felt deeply. We become numb, confused, and even disoriented. It seems as though we are viewing a movie of someone else’s journey. We are shocked by the death of the one we loved. We bounce between reality and unreality. We truly expect him or her to return. We are thwarted at every turn. Reality begins to move in, and it is painful.

We are weary, and this is just the beginning of the journey. We do not know what else is to come. We are overwhelmed with sadness.

“I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping” (Psalm 6:6).

Be kind to yourself. This is a painful journey. As you have painful thoughts and feelings, know that you need to comfort yourself. Don’t judge yourself or set a timeline for your healing. True acceptance comes when we stop yearning for what isn’t and accept the reality of what is—no matter how painful it is at this moment.

invitAtion to shAre

• Share a good memory of your loved one.

• What are some signs that you have or have not accepted the death of your loved one?

• Do you pray to God for help in accepting your loved one’s death? If so, how do you pray?

• Do you have a companion to accompany you on your journey of grief? If so, share what that means to you. If you do not have someone, perhaps the members of this group will help you.