Repair of the Black Family Anthology by RepairofTheBlackFamily

Although this book speaks on families included, but not limited to abuse, neglect, etc., it is not designed to be a definitive guide or to take the place of a qualified professional. Copyright © 2022 by Nayyirah Tivica Muhammad All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without written permission of the copyright owner. Book cover design by Lawrence Muhammad ISBN 978-0-578-36286-1 (Paperback) For more information, please contact us at www.repairoftheblackfamily.com

Dedication

his anthology is dedicated to my daddy “Henry Lee (Bocat) Green. I honor you and I thank you for your struggles and desire to be the best daddy in the world. I pray that this anthology serves as the fruit of the labor of love that you poured into me and us as your children. In some of your final words, you stated, “Twenty-nine years of your life passed you by and you do not know where it went.” This book is to honor you by saying those twenty-nine years did not go unnoticed. We noticed and absorbed every smile, every laughter of joy, every orange picked, every garden you developed, every crab boil, every time we raced in the streets and you screamed “Get on them toes,” every talk, every pinch you gave when I thought I was getting away with something and so much more. It all went into us daddy and I/We thank you. This book serves as a token to demonstrate that I am going to change the generational patterns. You will always and forever be remembered. Love, forevermore your biggest big baby. The second part of this dedication goes to my Uncle Jake who is a father to me. I honor you as a part this anthology because one of the last guiding principles to my keys of success is to work even when I don’t feel like working and give the people what they don’t KNOW they need. I pray this work honors your legacy as well…. Two great men that served as Daddy and Father in my life I honor you both…

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Acknowledgements

his journey to repair the black family and help heal the world is a desire that is now being fulfilled. It began with me. Where I was once lost, now I’m found. I first want to thank Allah, God, for the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad and the Honorable Minister Farrakhan for their love and sacrifice. Through their work and struggle to resurrect the hearts and minds of our people, I came into the knowledge of myself. This knowledge of self has provided me with the opportunity to discover my life’s purpose, which is “to bring people from darkness into the light.” I thank my mother Ernestine Brown McCrone for the love, suffering, sacrifice, and wisdom you have continuously poured into me. It is because of you I can overcome anything in my life. You were the first to teach me to do all things with the best intentions, always reach for the top and never give up. As I climb this mountain called Life, I aim for the top because of you! I thank Wilmer McCrone, who serves as a father to me. I am forever grateful to you for coming into my life providing structure in a fatherless home. I honor you for showing me what a Muslim looks like and opening the door for me to have Islam as my way of life. My deepest love and thanks to my husband, David Muhammad, for your ever-present love and support. You continuously provide the love and family environment I prayed to experience for my children and me. Every step of the way, you ensure my heart is fulfilled. I thank my children so much for choosing me, believing in me, and trusting me as your mom. You and my grandchildren are WHY I give my heart and soul to make this world a better place. I thank my brothers and sisters, Luther, Lee-Andre, Nell, Krystal, Leathia, KoKo, and Wafeeq. I appreciate you for allowing me to serve as your big sister. Your love has kept me going and inspired me to strive to be the best example for you. Thank you, Auntie Beatrice, for being a mother figure when my mom and Acknowledgements

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dad trusted you enough to take care of me. I loved you then and forever. Sister Maalikah Muhammad, thank you for being a sister, friend, and leader who helps me stay on the straight and narrow path of life. Your guidance and detailed corrections to help me and my life will be cherished forever. Thank you, Sister Khallida Farrakhan, for being my big sister, friend, consoler in the cause of truth, and much, much more. I love you, and you will always be near and dear to my heart. Thank you, Brother Lawrence Muhammad, for taking a leadership role in helping to ensure that the mental health concerns of families are addressed with precision. I appreciate your commitment in all of our endeavors together. Student Minister Patrick Muhammad and Sister Eliyah Muhammad, thank you both for being an example of a striving righteous couple. Thank you for keeping the way of Islam and being a beacon of light for our family and us. Thank you, Rev. Alfreddie Johnson, for being a bridge that provided a way for me to become an advocate for our people’s mental health. You helped me obtain workable solutions that one can apply to receive mental well-being and rid ourselves of generational pain and trauma. Many thanks to Jessica T. Moore for helping me fulfill my dream of becoming a Visionary Author. You helped me to conquer my writing fears, and now I have a book with a total of 33 authors! Thank you to each author who has shared a part of your story and yourself in this Anthology. Without you, this project would not be possible. Together, we are on a mission to repair the black family and humanity. Thank you to A 2nd Glance editing team for bringing every author’s story to life. You provided a professional experience filled with love, care, and truth to ensure that our stories are told with authenticity and grace. Finally, I offer my sincerest thank you to anyone that has ever supported me and the Repair of The Black Family Foundation in this journey.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Honoring Our Ancestors

Lee Henry “BoCat” Green Helen T Woodard Ruthie Marie Giles Cynthia Hector Jordyn Curry Laura Walton Tara Hardison Thelma Louise Baker Miguelina Valentin Jennie Green Olivia Johnson Alberta Harris Clark Hazel Aubert Elizabeth Barron Walls Teresa Zapata Joi Curry Nancy Lyons

Earline Stinnett Landell Muhammad Jeremiah Johnson Elnora Keith John “Lil-Man” Brown Christine Daniels Jeweldine Oneal Mattie Hyman Freeman Jenkins Bernard Brown Deloris Green Dorothy Pelt John Freeman Frankie Daniels Clyde Johnson Kathleen Williams Martha Johnson

Table of Contents Intoduction .............................................................................. 1 Chapter 1:

Heal on Purpose ................................................... 4

Chapter 2:

A Blended Family Experience............................... 13

Chapter 3:

Faith Leads ........................................................... 20

Chapter 4:

Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children 27

Chapter 5:

From Violence to Virtue ....................................... 34

Chapter 6:

Choose to Be ........................................................ 41

Chapter 7:

Understanding Our Power and Purpose ............... 46

Chapter 8:

There’s Power in The Ugly Truth ........................... 52

Chapter 9:

The Wife. MOM. Boss .......................................... 59

By: Nayyirah Tivica Muhammad By: David Muhammad

By: Daphane A. Woodard-Ekemezie By: Lawrence Muhammad By: Jessica T. Moore By: Desha Francois By: Arlena Jenkins By: Janelle Ford

By: Bra’Nica Muhammad

Chapter 10: Plant New Seeds ................................................... 66 By: Van Eric Jenkins

Chapter 11: Ambition Over Adversity ..................................... 74 By: Brad Muhammad

Chapter 12: The Power of Awareness ....................................... 83 By: Colson Maturine

Chapter 13: Finding Purpose Through Peace ........................... 91 By: Tequella Muhammad

Chapter 14: Son-Shine ............................................................. 99 By: Ynissa Colon

Chapter 15: Pregnant with possibilities: A dream worth birthing 104 By: Vera Giles Norris

Chapter 16: Rise Up & Intentionally Overcome ....................... 111 By: Erin McFarley

Table of Contents Chapter 17: Self-Care -Creating the Best Version of Yourself By: L. Lynell Anderson

118

Chapter 18: When the Game Gives You Aim ........................... 124 By: Demetrius X Powell

Chapter 19: Facing the Enemy Within and the System Without By: Rizza Islam

132

Chapter 20: The Key Within .................................................... 140 By: Charlene Muhammad

Chapter 21: Mining The Mind ................................................. 146 By: Anissa Michele Muhammad

Chapter 22: From Sweet Nothings to Sweet Everything ........... 154 By: Sierra Clark

Chapter 23: Dark Clouds Don’t Last Always ............................ 161 By: Bahiyyah Sadiki

Chapter 24: Patience Strengthens Love .................................... 168 By: June X Wilson

Chapter 25: Breaking Silence ................................................... 175 By: Nakia Frazier

Chapter 26: Financial Peace: Steps to Great Credit .................. 181 By: Diamond Brown

Chapter 27: You, Your Health and Your Family ........................ 187 By: Alfredo Zapata

Chapter 28: The Road to God: Tribulations and Triumphs ...... 192 By: Linda “Luminous” Domenech

Chapter 29: Thou Shall Do It Afraid ........................................ 198 By: Rosheka Davis

Chapter 30: Overcoming the Odds .......................................... 204 By: Bra‘Keya Hyman-Muhammad

Chapter 31: Embrace Barriers to Reach the Stage of Joi ........... 210 By: Jabril Muhammad

Chapter 32: Making Love Last ................................................. 217 By: Maalikah Muhammad

Chapter 33: Village Mentor ...................................................... 224 By: James Oliver

Conclusion .............................................................................. 231 vii

Preface

hy repair, one may ask? Repair means “to mend or fix something damaged, broken or not working correctly back to a good sound condition by any process of making.” Another question might be, “‘Are we damaged?’ or ‘Have we been damaged, broken, and not working correctly in some way?’” This book is a collection of real people who realized their need to repair after experiences of brokenness, damage, or non-working survival practices. As each chapter unfolds, you will witness a powerful author discuss their decision to repair and the wins they achieved while overcoming, You will see and witness how bad life experiences and the perception one has of those experiences can render destruction to a person’s life. You will also see and witness the good experiences and the perception one has of those experiences can create a sense of freedom with happiness as the rule of any day. The results of either bad or good experiences are discovered by decisions. One could also ask, why does the book say Black Family? Well, here it is. Black is not a color. Black is the essence from which all color comes from. So we are operating in the depth of the word Black and not what black has been limited to being. With that, black men and women are the beginning. Because they are the beginning, that is where we’re starting. Of course we have an affinity for black people however, when we say black we are being inclusive to all. Black holds all colors. Our work is a humanitarian effort. All we’re saying is black is an inclusion not a seclusion. The 33 authors led by the visionary author have chosen the way of responsibility. When responsibility is understood, awareness is born and a desire to act follows. This book provides action steps to aid in repair after being damaged, broken, and not working correctly. We invite you to part the pages of this anthology and to part the pages of your mind to a work in progress to discover helpful solutions and heal on purpose. Let’s Heal.

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Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Introduction

grew up in a very large family. Though my mother’s side was small, it was huge on my father's side, so I always had a deep sense of family which is still extremely important to me. Visiting my grandmother’s house, playing with my cousins, enjoying family cookouts and gatherings, and spending holidays together were a crucial part of my upbringing. Those memories shaped the basis of my work today. However, I was able to see, know and feel the generational patterns, trauma, limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviors on both sides of the family. I have watched the normalcy of generational mental health issues, poverty, criminality, mental programming, and much more.

One of the critical factors that I noticed in my upbringing was the mistreatment of my mother and other women in my family. When I saw my drunken father beating my mom and then to see them loving one another when he was not drunk was very frightening and became very confusing. These dysfunctional behavioral patterns that I was exposed to shaped my heart and mind with a great desire to repair the black family. I know the pain, and I know great love. I understand that what I experienced were conditions of life. They taught me to be understanding, compassionate, and non judgemental in life. These life lessons prepared me for the divine assignment that I have been chosen to do to help bring the family unit back together again. I have come to understand and know, according to Revelations 21:7, “Behold I make all things new, there will be a new heaven and a new earth, and former things will pass away,” there will be a new sun, a new moon, a new star. The former things will pass away. It will take a new mindset, new conditions, and a willingness to transform our conditions to higher states of existence and experience heaven on earth. It will take transformative knowledge. As a culture, we must acquire our true self starting with the Knowledge of Self, the Knowledge Of God, the Knowledge of the Enemy and the Time and What Must be Done. The prerequisite of becoming new is to go back in history to study how we got to this 2

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

condition. True knowledge of self will help us identify the historical facts in America we were robbed of getting, including our culture, our language, and our God. Identifying these historical realities will put us on the right course to truly change our conditions and place a standard that will increase our awareness to do for ourselves or suffer the consequence of lack of knowledge. The more we raise our conditions, the more humanity will improve. True repairing the black family and humanity is the ability to take responsibility and true love. The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan says, “Strong Families: The Foundation of a Great Nation.” August 27th, 2017 You will find in this book, stories that will lead you to a deeper love and a greater need for change, a renewal of mind and heart that will produce transformation for yourself and others. We provide solutions that will change human behavior if one applies them. You will experience why we are so mission-minded and determined to help restore our families and humanity. Peace on earth will be established with peace of mind. I sincerely desire that as one reads, regardless of class, creed, color, and religion, you will embrace these stories and that each tool you read will bring awareness. Our goal is to produce the need and love for healing within the family unit and spread that healing in the world. Real love is found in truth. “The truth will set you free as long as you are not in love with the lie or the liar.” Sister Nayyiah. The search for truth will make this world a better place and ensure Freedom, Justice, and Equality which will eradicate generational trauma, drama, limiting beliefs, and self-sabotaging behaviors. I leave you with this quote from the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan - ”Strong Families: The Foundation of a Great Nation.”

Introduction

Chapter 1

Heal on Purpose By: Nayyirah Tivica Muhammad

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

NAYYIRAH TIVICA MUHAMMAD

“When passion meets purpose, it’s there, where you find love.” -Sister Nayyirah Sister Nayyirah Tivica Muhammad, an inspired visionary, is the founder of Repair of The Black Family, Inc. She is a dynamic speaker, spiritual advisor, financial literacy specialist, transformational life coach, active member, and captain emeritus of The Nation of Islam. She inspires and motivates those she serves to experience total transformation through the example of her purpose-driven life. Sister Nayyirah specializes in releasing generational trauma patterns and stories through her keen intuition. Her goal is to use her life experiences and training in re-education and reformation to help bring one from darkness into light. She strives to enlighten and works daily to help repair the Black family and humanity. She has spoken to thousands of listeners and worked with faith-based organizations, youth groups, community leaders, volunteers, and schools. Sister Nayyirah has helped many men, women, and families attain optimal health by improving the function of the spirit, the mind, and ultimately the body. Her mission is to help restore the black family’s customs and beliefs while working to help bring a universal government where we all can live in peace regardless of class, creed, and color.

Heal on Purpose

Being born the first of six beautiful children to my mother Ernestine and my father, the late Henry Lee (Bocat) Green, is the best choice that Allah (God) could have made for me. It made me into the person I am today. My mom didn’t have the family structure and guidance she needed as a young girl, so she learned to fend for herself. This environment and upbringing made her very strong and resilient. When she was 15, she met my father walking across a field and said it was love at first sight. Though they were very young, 17 and 21, I was their love child and the light of their young adult life. They both were high school dropouts which led to a life of trying to figure things out the best way they knew with a new baby. Consequently, I spent my first year with my Aunt Beatrice and Uncle Jake in California, living as their child. My mom is a waymaker. She always provided the structure and the discipline in our home. She was very tough on us, especially me, but she always taught us that nothing is more important than family. We must always stay close to each other, and if one goes down, we all go down! My dad, on the other hand, was the nurturer. He was my haven, my escape. Though he was an alcoholic and drug addict who abused my mom when he was inebriated, I was a daddy’s girl, and in fact, I still am. He could do nothing that would bring shame to him in my heart or mind. My dad was my hero and always referred to me as his “Dearest Big Baby.” My father was a track star, but he sustained an injury that left him permanently disabled in middle school. He is still known in St. Petersburg, FL, as the “fastest man in the city” during his era. His injury was a shattered dream for him and consequently changed the trajectory of both of their lives. He became a hustler with my mother beside him, gambling, shooting dice, and playing cards as their means of making ends meet. While they did what they loved and had to do to survive, my siblings and I stayed with someone 6

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

else or were left unattended at home. Being the eldest of their children, I had many responsibilities that most children my age could not handle. When I was four, I remember the life-changing day that my parents took my 18-month-old brother, Lee, and me to my grandmother Tit’s house. I cried, “I don’t want to go,” so my parents took us to McDonald's on the way and brought us a Happy Meal. We went on to her place. They dropped us off at the top of the block and told us to walk down the street. As we got out of the car, I heard my daddy say, “Take care of your little brother.” “Hold your brother’s hand,” they said. We looked back, and they were gone. I didn't know this would be the day that I experienced my first feelings of failure and heartbreak in my life. As we walked onto my grandmother's porch and knocked on the door, she opened it, and to her surprise, we were there without our parents. She was upset, and I recall her yelling, “Where is your momma?” We went in, but she took us back outside as she sat on the front porch eating. We were having fun, sitting at her feet as she rocked in her chair when the phone rang. When she went into the house to answer it, I asked my brother if he wanted to get a flip (frozen cup)? He said, “yes,” and we left the porch to go across the street to Ms. Janet's house to get it. We went to her door and knocked, but there was no answer, so I turned around, grabbed my brother’s hand, went down the stairs to the curb that entered the street. We stood on the side of the road, and I asked my brother if he wanted to race across. When we proceeded, a car turned the corner but appeared to stop as it approached us. I said to my brother, “On your mark, get set, go!” and that’s when the car revved up its motor and came our way. As I tried to scream my brother’s name, I saw him get hit, thrown into the air, and run over. The female driver got out, looked, then returned to her car and left. Suddenly, people were everywhere, family members and neighbors screaming and crying. I felt invisible and voiceless at that moment as if no one saw me or heard me. In all of the commotion, no one spoke to or comforted me. At four years old, I was confused and didn’t realize that my brother was dead. I remember it like it was yesterday. My parents soon arrived, and I can still see my mom on the floor at my grandmother’s house screaming and crying, “My baby!” My dad picked me up, took me out to the street, and said, “We are going to say bye to your brother.” I remember the emergency workers pulling the sheet back, and there my little brother was, still and lifeless. The next time I saw my baby brother, he was in a casket at the funeral home. Heal on Purpose

As we walked up to see him, my daddy said, “Go look at him and don't be scared.” Lee Green was dressed in a blue suit and looked like he was sleeping. I was overcome with emptiness when I saw him in the casket and after he was buried. I will never forget the feelings of blame, failure, fear, grief, loss, voicelessness, invisibility, insignificance, and many other things during that time. The family talked about the accident for days, weeks, months after it happened, and I could see the pain and hurt they were experiencing. I felt it was my fault because I had taken him across the street, but no one ever asked me how I felt, and no one knew the pain that I buried inside. I didn't have my best friend anymore. Life became fearful and withdrawn for me. I still had a great fear of crossing the street until I was over 40 years old. Even now, I experience a degree of nervousness when I know I need to walk across a busy street. My brother's death was a pivotal point in my life. Before the accident, I was a vibrant and talkative little girl, always running, playing, and enjoying life. Afterward, I was withdrawn and scared. People would say that I was shy, and I even started saying that of myself. I now know that I had become withdrawn from everything and everyone and had lost my voice. I lost part of my spirit to live, especially without my brother and best friend. Later in life, I could identify and label these feelings of failure, blame, and grief as my mom had more and more children. Sometimes, in conversations where he was mentioned, I was forced to talk about and explain what happened to my brother, Lee Green. The loss of my brother kept me in bondage mentally and emotionally for most of my life. I never forgave myself for losing him. As I got older, I questioned God, “Why?” “Why did He let this happen to me?” “Why did He allow me to take my brother across the street that day?” “Why did He allow him to get hit by the car and let me live?” I became very uncertain about most things in life. I was afraid of losing those close to me in my different relationships, whether through family, marriage, friendship, or whatever. I became overprotective of my possessions and the people in my life, especially my brothers, sisters, and children. I felt as if I couldn’t make decisions for the first 40 plus years of my life without getting approval from my mom because I didn’t want to make what I thought would be a grave mistake. As our family grew, I saw my mother live in fear for her children, and when I eventually became a mother, I did the same with my children. Although I had a relationship with God, I was still searching for answers 8

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

and relief from this compounded pain. My heart cried out because I had an inner desire to be free of these emotions and thoughts that kept me in bondage. I suffered from terrible anxiety for a very long time. I was afraid to drive in a car by myself. Sometimes I would sit or lay down, and the feelings of death would come over me, and I would have horrible crying spells. I wanted out from these feelings without the use of medication. Through all the pain and suffering, my destiny led me to the Nation of Islam. Hearing the Word of Almighty God coming from the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan and learning the Teachings of the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad opened my mind and heart and set me on the path to discovery. I decided then to heal and live rather than exist as I had been. I began my healing and stepped in my purpose by serving others, helping them overcome the struggles of life. I was chosen to serve the women, and my ability to feel their pain and suffering allowed me to have compassion for them. I noticed as time went on that I possessed a certain level of wisdom and experience that most my age did not display. My awareness and ability to understand life differed from most of my peers. Serving and helping in the mission by working out my salvation allowed me to begin my healing journey on purpose. I found my voice again, and I began to speak for the voiceless. I no longer felt lost and invisible. I could now help others. My purpose is standing up and standing out to lead in repairing the black family and humanity. Despite this life-altering event in our lives, I have since learned that my parents loved me dearly. They did the best that they could with their limited knowledge and the environment they were a product of. Adults must know that children learn not only by what they hear but also by seeing. That experience caused me to cry out to God on my own to obtain freedom from the pain that no one could fully understand but God, Himself. I came to learn that God was with me the whole time, and He causes or allows circumstances in our lives to get our attention and to draw us closer to Him. This life experience helped me lean into the power of love versus pain. Even though my parents’ lifestyle was the same after my brother’s death, my love and admiration for them did not change. I learned that I could love unconditionally. I have come to terms with the understanding that life is what you make it, and a person never leaves if you keep their memory alive in your heart and mind. The healing started when I chose to remember what I knew and loved about my baby brother, Lee Green, rather than focus on what happened to him. Heal on Purpose

The last lesson I learned is never to underestimate the power of a child’s mind, no matter how young. Though people thought I didn’t understand or know what was happening after my brother’s death, I remember almost everything said and done. Seeing how my mother was treated and listening to the words spoken about her was damaging in many ways. While it created uncertainty about the family’s love and loyalty to us, it also created an insatiable desire to discover what real love in a family looks like. It allowed me to find my purpose in life. To be able “to bring people from darkness into light,” I had to experience the darkness of my mind and heart and continuously find my way out. This pain led me to always “seek, and find, knock and receive” answers to life, as it says in the Bible, Matthew 7:8. I am now on the quest for freedom, justice, and equality, regardless of class, creed, or color, helping to bring in a universal government in which we all could live. I now know this did not happen to me; it happened for me as one of the lessons in my book called life. I am grateful for God’s choice of the circumstances He placed before me. I believe that the loss of my brother started my journey. The experience left me lost in my mind and emotions, almost impossible to see my way through. I made many mistakes and missed many opportunities because the unhealthy thoughts and feelings froze me. Now that I can recall and confront what has happened, I can choose to heal on purpose. Every circumstance in your life has some divine dictate by however you choose to acknowledge it. I encourage you to do your best to recognize the presence of Almighty God in the matter, knowing there is a purpose for it all. You can choose to control a matter or let it control you. Know that you always have the power to choose. Exercise the power of choice to do the divine will of Almighty God. Life does get complicated, and no, it does not come with a manual, but remember, within you is the answer to your life circumstances. You will have to practice listening to that divine, inner voice and then go to work to solve your pain and problems. Situations are happening for you and not to you. Create from the mindset that it's possible to heal on purpose. That healing starts with acknowledging and loving thyself and knowing that you are loved. Turning that pain and love into passion, power, and purpose is necessary!

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Remember the good. When you lose a loved one, take time to remember the good of that person. Acknowledge special days like birthdays and significant holidays. Consider putting fresh flowers at the gravesite or keeping a picture of that loved one in view. Have conversations with other friends and family members about the good days shared with the loved one who passed away. If you know your loved one’s favorite food or dessert, cook it or eat it in their honor from time to time to keep that sweet memory alive and well. These activities will provide you with the space in your mind and heart to heal on purpose. 2. Be intentional about your healing. This may require a bit of focus by developing outlets to free your mind and heart of painful, negative emotions and thoughts. Develop a plan. Start with acknowledging where you are with your thoughts and feelings. Develop a deeper relationship with your Creator through alone time, prayer, and fasting. Write in a journal, expressing your true hurt along with other feelings. Be honest about how you feel about yourself, others, and the matter at hand. Talk about your feelings with a loved one or friend. Find that trusted one and open up. Use a tool like Dianetics, “The Modern Science to Mental Health therapy or something else that works for you. Create a safe space in your environment and dedicate it to your healing time. Be creative with this healing space knowing that this area is for you to continue reflecting and creating your journey to healing with power, passion, and purpose. Have a mirror there and spend three to five minutes speaking positive words directly to yourself. Also, use your journal to write positive affirmations while in this space. 3. Develop your level of certainty. Increase your power by reading self-improvement books and listening to motivational speeches and lectures daily. Invest in yourself by hiring a good mentor, life coach, or accountability partner to help you achieve your personal goals and ambitions in life. Resting well, eating the best high-quality foods, and exercising will increase your ability to connect with yourself on a higher frequency. Drink plenty of good water. Remember the playful youthfulness inside you to remind yourself that life is joyful. Keep good, like-minded, high-achieving people close to you. Listen to your Heal on Purpose

inner self and know when it's time to move on. Learn to travel, even if it’s in a book, television show, or in your mind. Honor yourself daily and have an appreciation for your life. Buy yourself flowers, tell yourself how beautiful you are, or play a song that speaks to your greatness. Be interested in what’s good for you and be willing to let go of what no longer serves you Your past decisions served you at that time, and it's ok to make new powerful ones. Be certain of who you are now, and your future is what you decide. You must decide to Heal on Purpose!

Resources My Website: www.repairoftheblackfamily.com My Social Media: @sister_nayyirah

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Chapter 2

A Blended Family Experience By: David Muhammad

A Blended Family Experience

DAVID MUHAMMAD

“If I think of myself as a step something, then certainly I’ve “stepped” on myself. I also have given permission for everyone else to step on, step between, and step over me.” With a sincere commitment to self-improvement as the basis for community development, David Muhammad has been an active member of the Nation of Islam for over 21 years. He was born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana, and has been happily married to Sister Nayyirah Muhammad for 22 years. Together they have five adult children and eight amazing grandchildren. A U.S. Navy veteran, David Muhammad has also worked as a high school dean of students moving on to be a Director of Guest Services and Director of Housekeeping for Hilton, Marriott, and Hyatt Hotels. His last and final job was as a supervisor for Management Experts, Inc. At MGE, David helped train business owners to organize, administrate and manage their businesses with the Hubbard Administrative Management System. As a burgeoning entrepreneur, he works daily as the co-founder of Repair of the Black Family, Inc., a non-profit organization committed to restoring the black family. David has a genuine love for empowering all people, and he states, “Black is not a nationality. Black is not a color. Black is the essence from which all color comes.” The work of Repair of the Black Family, Inc. is for the whole of humanity; however, it starts with the original people.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

A Blended Family Experience

rom my vantage point, the term “Blended Family” is an oxymoron. I looked at the definition of “blended,'' which means two or more separate things put together that should not necessarily be connected. I also saw family defined as one unit, moving in the same direction to achieve the agreed-upon goal for success. This definition of family denotes oneness, promoting a sense of belonging, so there is no need for “blending.” The family is already one unit. I was five years old and too young to understand the difficulties and dynamics of my parent's marriage and what was happening at the time of their indefinite separation. After learning that my father would be home and my mom wouldn’t, I felt lonely, confused, and unwanted. My siblings and I longed for our mother, but she desired and demanded a different life somewhere else. My father and mother divorced after seven years of marriage. I was six years old when the divorce was final. My father fought for us, and the courts awarded him full custody of all six children, but my youngest brother eventually went to live with our mother. After some years, my father remarried and had three more children. Five years into that marriage, they divorced, and he again fought and won full custody of my three younger siblings. A few years later, my father married again for the third time to a woman who had three children, whom he welcomed as his own. I have an eclectic family history as the second of twelve children from my father’s three marriages. I vividly recall my father’s second wife, “Trudy.” She was hostile and often displayed a spirit and atmosphere of separation between my siblings and her four children who lived with us. This environment definitely was not a positive experience for a blended family. My father worked all the time A Blended Family Experience

from sun up to sundown. If it weren’t for the weekend, he would not have been around at all to learn all of what we were experiencing. On a scorching late afternoon, I had come home from school, and like most children, after homework, we had to clean our rooms as a part of our household chores. I shared a room with three of my brothers. We went upstairs to start cleaning, and we noticed that our room was “made” dirtier than it was when we left for school that morning. I wasn’t pleased with that. At the time, I was about ten years old. I said aloud, “I’m going to tell my daddy on her,” in a pouting, upset kind of way. One of her children ran to tell her what I said. Shortly after, she came upstairs, and I was pouting while sitting on the floor in my room. She asked very angrily, “Did you say you were gonna tell on me? I’m gonna show you, and I don’t care who you tell about what I do!” She stomped away to get a belt. She returned swinging at me. I grabbed the belt, but this wasn’t my normal reaction because my father taught me better. I would usually take my whipping and be done. However, something jumped into me. I know now that “something” was courage. At that moment, the hitting didn’t hurt anymore. First, she tried a tug-of-war with me, but success wasn’t on her side. She then began reaching for objects in the room to throw at me. After getting hit a few times, I ran away with the belt and hid behind the bed. She left the room and returned with a two-foot wooden ruler that had metal attached to it. She took a big swing, and I was hit on the top of my head and began bleeding profusely. She said, “That’s what you get for being disobedient,” and walked out of the room. I bled for about 20 minutes while one of my sisters cleaned me up. My dad came home that night, and of course, upon hearing about the incident, it caused a huge fight between my father and “Trudy.” He put her out that night, and the divorce soon followed. My Dad’s third wife was completely different. She came in and talked with all of us, individually and as a group. She took her time and treated us all equally. She was great as a mother, and I respected her as one. I think my father took this and our past experiences to heart and instilled in all his children that we are all brothers and sisters and nothing or no one can come between us as a family. “There is no step, nothing, and no half anything,” said Dad. As a son, stepson, and child looking back at those experiences and lessons, I didn’t care about blended, step, or half. I learned this when I got older. My childhood experience watching my father and observing him as a husband helped shape my views on going into a marriage where children were already 16

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

in a co-parenting relationship. My wife’s children were involved with their father, who was there for them. We talked before we married about what could interfere with our success as a family. We discussed how the children would address me and whether I would discipline them. We discussed the frequency of family meetings, how we would approach her ex-husband, and my role. I stressed the importance of being one family, the necessity of being the man of the house, and more. I appreciated my wife’s level of maturity and the tremendous motherhood she displayed while looking out for her children. They were seven, two, and one year of age when we married. She was willing to permit me to rule as the man of the house; however, she shared some potential concerns with me. Now, of course, at that time, I didn’t have any child-rearing or marriage experience, except childhood. So before our wedding, I reassured her that my words and actions would coincide. I did talk to them, and we had family meetings to keep the agreement known as the children got older and the dynamics of relationships changed and grew. However, I came in doing a lot of observing and learning histories and behaviors of all the children involved. I never judged or stepped into anything that didn’t require my attention as a father. I talked with all my children to let them know that I was never going to act like or try to take the place of their biological father. Instead, I reassured them I would be the best man, husband, and father to all involved in that order. I unconsciously knew that the children needed to see me treat their mother in the best manner to have the desired connection with them. I didn’t see myself as a step-parent because that would affect my moves in the house. I love my wife and children, so it didn’t matter that the seed came from another source. I had talks with my wife’s ex-husband and children’s father, showing him respect by expressing the need for his involvement in helping to raise our children. My wife and I had the necessary talks and reached child-rearing agreements ahead of time, and we stuck to those agreements without fail. I overcame the stigmas and the labels by keeping my word and never violating the child’s need to have a healthy and complete life experience within our family unit. Also, I never entered into my marriage with any stipulations. Especially as it related to the children, I didn’t have the attitude of “If she doesn't do…, I’m going to do…”. I didn’t want or need an excuse to give up and leave if we encountered difficulty in our new marriage. I knew I loved my wife first, and without her, I wouldn’t have had an opportunity to live in the experience of her expression of love. A Blended Family Experience

As a husband and father, I recognized that I needed to learn, support, and respect the minds and feelings of my wife and children. If I were to come in trying to change things or put my foot down, so to speak, it would have damaged their young lives because it wasn’t necessary in most cases. I learned that all I had to do was be me and be a father. Regardless of whether the other parents were present or not, I’m still their father. At the end of the day, the children would be the recipients or beneficiaries of either a negative, traumatic, positive, or healthy experience. Their well-being was always important to me, and I was willing to grow with my family. Through my interactions with them as a man, a father, and a husband, I am learning that I’m still in the classroom of life. Proverbs 22:6 reads, “train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” My father “trained” me by his example of family and his commitment and determination to keep us together and never to make a distinction between the children. I want to and will always treat others how I want to be treated. My children, as far as I know, have never stepped on me, and I have never stepped on them. If I had gone into my marriage as a stepfather, I think the outcome would have been different. Look outside the societal norm or the societal naming, labels, or whatever. Label yourself as you see yourself, not as a society or someone else says you should because blood isn’t involved. Many of us have taken good friends and called them family, not stepfamily. If you look at the phrase blended family, there is a subliminal separation just as stepmother, stepchild, or stepfather. Why don’t the children of the vast majority say step-granddad or step-grandma? Grandparents with the same respect don’t say step-grandchild, step-aunt, or step-uncle. It just lays the base of a mindset to separate one from the other, and if there is separation, can we actually call it family? We all know a house divided will not stand, or when a house is built on sand, it will certainly fall. If you see yourself as blended, you will display blended. If you show or announce differences, there will be differences to argue. If you see one family, you will be one family. What you put into the universe or atmosphere will manifest.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Talk about the expectations of parenting. Both parents or soon-tobe parents should talk and consider how all parties are affected when the agreement is reached. You are not just marrying your spouse; you are marrying the family. 2. Talk to your children as important members of the family. Their opinions and input are valuable. This way, they know and understand how the family will operate with them as an essential part. You want to do this and get their agreement. Always refer to the agreement for handling any misunderstanding to continue building the family unit. 3. Take care of your responsibilities as a husband, wife, mother, or father. You have rights to the title and responsibilities with the title. If you don’t know what those rights are, define the role you should be working in, not playing. Take ownership and display the actions necessary to establish trust. Follow the rules you’ve agreed to have. Your experiences with the family will speak volumes about your character to the children and your spouse. The children and your spouse will take note of your every action. 4. Notice the differences in the roles and the times you need to play them. It is essential to identify when being wife versus mother or father versus husband as simple as it sounds. Not doing that alone can be a barrier in communicating what needs to be communicated and to whom it needs to be communicated. For example: when a father approaches a child about a matter, communicate as the child's father. You should never communicate as a husband to a child unless you answer a direct question about being a husband.

Resources My Website: www.repairoftheblackfamily.com My Social Media: @davidjmuhammad

A Blended Family Experience

Chapter 3

Faith Leads By: Daphane A. Woodard-Ekemezie

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

DAPHANE A. WOODARD-EKEMEZIE

“On your pursuit to what you see as career success, don’t forget to include your spiritual covering.” Daphane A. Woodard-Ekemezie has been in the financial services industry for over 20 years. For the last seven years, she has been a noteworthy leader in human capital management. She is a wife, mother of three children, and the grandmother of five. An honoree for her leadership abilities and contributions to improving performance, Daphane is committed to inspiring and influencing others. She wants people to know that regardless of your level of education, where you come from, or what challenges you have faced, none of those things can stop a person whose mindset is rooted in overcoming obstacles and who is grounded in faith.

Faith Leads

was back in my mother's one-bedroom apartment sitting in the living room, trying to figure out my next move and thinking, “How did I get here?” Just six months ago, I was moving to Atlanta with my daughter and fiancé, and we were filled with excitement and looking forward to this new beginning. I thought I had an excellent opportunity to work as a requirements manager with a large company. The pay was good, and I had the job before I moved, which is always the best thing when moving to Atlanta, or at least from what I’ve heard. After only two months on the job, they offered me a promotion to lead the quality analyst team. So, to me, my plan was working out better than I expected. We found a lovely brand new townhouse, three bedrooms, two baths for $850 a month, water included. I felt blessed because as long as I left the house by 6:04 am, the commute to work was only thirty to forty-five minutes. My fiancé found a job within less than two weeks. Things are always going great until they're not! Rumors and light whispers started flying around the office that the company had lost one of its most significant contracts, and soon everyone would be laid off. Those rumors turned out to be facts, and a month later, we were given severance packages. Since I had been with the company for five months, I received a check for two weeks' salary and instructions for applying for unemployment. I felt defeated and disappointed. I was making new friends and about to get a promotion. The new life I planned that started so smooth and easy had just derailed. My car broke down, and to make matters worse, that new townhouse we rented in Villa Rica was about an hour away from my family. No one wanted to drive to help us or give us a ride anywhere, and I felt utterly lost for the first time in my life. The downward spiral continued. We both lost our jobs; my SUV was 22

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

repossessed, and we didn’t have enough money to pay next month’s rent. We had no other choice but to go home. I hated seeing the disappointment in my daughter. We gave away the things we couldn’t take with us in the minivan we rented from the airport and drove back to Florida. My youngest daughter’s dad allowed me to move things into his house, my fiancé moved back with his mother, and I moved back with mine. I was 38 years old, living with my mother, sleeping on her sofa; I had nothing. Mom and I have a great relationship, so being there wasn’t an issue, but I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. My current state was a product of the choices I made. I started going back to church, and the first Sunday, my pastor said something I still hold today. “We don’t work for our bosses; we work for God, and when you knowingly work for God, you will work with integrity. You’ll have success because God wants to bless us.” I needed that word as it fed my soul and gave me hope. The next day, I walked to the library and uploaded my updated resume to www.Indeed.com. I had to rethink my approach because I wanted a career, not just a job. I decided this time I had to talk to God about everything and be specific about my wants and needs. So, I asked God for a job in compliance so I could use my paralegal training or something in the payroll industry. I didn’t know much about the payroll industry, but I was interested in learning. I got several calls for job interviews within a few days. One position was with a Human Capital Management company that does payroll for a benefits consultant five minutes from my mom’s house. Another was as a compliance analyst for a company in Tampa. The two jobs I asked God for, wow, He works fast, I thought! I interviewed with both companies and had offers from both. I now needed to decide what option would be best for me. The compliance job paid more; they would start me at $16 per hour, and the benefits consultant job was a temp to hire, starting at $11 per hour while in training and $13 afterward. Both amounts were less than I made before moving to Atlanta, but I understood I was starting over. I now had a mindset grounded in faith that God would supply all my needs, and He wanted me to win! I selected the job that was five minutes away because I had a history of being late, which means the closer the job, the better. If God was in my corner, it didn’t matter who was against me. I started my training class off by praying and asking for the wisdom of God to be given to me to allow me to learn this job inside and out. I wanted to be a standout. There were 26 people in my training class, and before our training class ended, managers on the floor already knew my name! I had the highest scores on all the tests we took. I was working for God. I got hired permanently without Faith Leads

having to do an interview. After training, I was now at $13 per hour; I was okay with the amount, but I felt like I deserved more. God began to talk to me and say, “Be still and be humble!” It was hard because I also started getting calls for web marketing jobs offering me almost double what I was making. It was tempting, too, because the money sounded good. That voice would come back and tell me again, “Be still, be humble.” This time I was not going to do things my way. I’d tried many times, and I always either sabotaged myself or quit before getting to where I wanted to be. It was time I learned to be accountable for my decisions and get rid of self-doubt. I decided on success; I decided to do what it takes to advance my career, and it didn’t matter that I did not have a degree because I knew if God co-signed my plan, He would give me the ability to talk to kings if I had to. After working for five months as an open enrollment benefits consultant, a new line of business came available. I decided I wanted this job, so I did what I needed to prepare myself for the interview. I didn’t know how it would happen. I had only been with the company for five months, and in two of those months, I was a temporary employee. My manager said I could not apply for another position until I’ve been in my current role for one year. But I planned on being ready when the opportunity came up. I reviewed the job posting and researched everything they had listed as a part of the requirements. I even took online tutorials to make sure I could show up and show out in the interview. They say God moves in mysterious ways, and He moved things in place for me. The day they opened the position and announced it to everyone, my manager had just started her two-week vacation. The company policy requires you to notify your manager before applying for an internal position. Look at God’s timing! I was still hesitant to apply, but one of the people I trained with was a temporary employee. She came to me and asked whether I applied for the position and mentioned she had completed the application. She encouraged me to apply too. Even though I prepared, that self-doubt crept in, and I was hesitant, but God sent someone to remind me that this was what I wanted. I applied the same day, had the interview the same week, and before my manager came back to the office, I was offered and accepted the job. I learned from this experience and reflected on expanding my thinking based on the surrounding circumstances. I prepared to make sure I would conduct an impressive interview for one of five available positions. The odds were against me. There were 43 other applicants; I was still relatively new with the company and payroll, not to mention I was up against people who had more experience than I did. 24

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Taking a mental note and reflecting on this win allowed me to create a game plan that would later prove successful throughout my career. Within my first five months on the job, I more than doubled my $11 pay rate. I fully believe this was because I was obedient to God’s word. He didn’t stop there. After a year and a half, I became the team lead, the first level management position. God’s graceful hands were instrumental in my next promotion as well. I also prepared for the next level before the opportunity became available. If I didn’t have the experience and could not correlate it to something I did in the past, I would take an online class or tutorial. I also reviewed the team’s metrics and Service Level Agreements to look for ways to improve the team performance. I walked into the interview with the mindset of someone who was already on the management team. Preparation creates confidence, and you can interview well when you’re confident. I knew the moment I left the room I did well because no one prepared as I did. I didn’t expect them to choose me because I had been there the longest or the one who had a degree or was the most technical. I was the one who was the most prepared, and I showed them how I would improve the team’s performance with steps and ideas I had. I’ve learned several lessons along this journey. When walking through Hell, make sure you don’t take a seat. Keep pushing, and God will show you a way out! Don’t give up because that setback was a detour to lead you in the right direction. Listening to God’s Word, knowing when to be humble and when to boast, and learning to sit still and be patient were keys to success for me. It’s okay to revisit your goals and set higher levels for yourself. You are your only limit. Get a mentor who understands where you want to be, and never forget to look back and mentor someone who was where you were. Never stop learning and seeking out information to add value to yourself. I’m now a manager with my company and earn six figures. This all started with a request I made to God, believing that He would see me through. God wants us to prosper! We have to develop the right mindset and stay focused on our goals. I was also able to help some of my coworkers along the way. Everyone I helped was able to get a promotion. You should never be afraid to highlight what you contribute because your manager may not see everything you do or every kudo you receive. You have to be your biggest supporter and toot your own horn to make sure your accomplishments are known. Your experiences become your greatest assets. In addition to helping myself, I’m now ready to help others.

Faith Leads

Repair Work 1. Make your prayers known to God and be specific. Make a list of what you want. God hears you, and He is in the business of answering prayers. You have to have faith and trust Him. 2. Hold yourself accountable for your part in your success story. Make a list of your goals. Set targets and keep track of all your successes throughout the year. 3. Prepare now for your next-level opportunity. Make a written assessment of your gifts and talents. Identify self-improvement workshops or classes that you can attend to build your skillset. Being prepared will help you build confidence, and with confidence, you can take advantage of opportunities when they become available.

Resources My Social Media: @daphaneekemezie

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Chapter 4

Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children By: Lawrence Muhammad

Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children

LAWRENCE MUHAMMAD

“Nothing God created is mediocre. Excellence is demanded of you, and you must demand excellence of yourself.” -The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan Lawrence Muhammad is a successful graphic and web designer. He is the father of a beautiful daughter, Aliyah, who is the apple of his eye. He attended the University of New Orleans and the University of Louisiana at Monroe, majoring in Computer Science. Lawrence is certified as a Gold Sealed Dianetics Auditor and a certified Communications Supervisor. He loves motivating and helping others to see the best in themselves. Being a teacher and inspirational speaker, Lawrence is well-known for his work in the community by helping others with self-improvement, emphasizing mental health, and promoting well-being.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children

“So you want to run away? I’ll give you something to run away for.” I then proceeded to get one of the worst whippings of my life.

he above interaction represented how my father and I got along when I was young. I’m the oldest of three boys. I was given adult responsibilities at a very young age. I took care of my brothers while my parents were at work. I did the grocery shopping for the family at seven or eight years old. I was my momma's “little man.” I took care of everything my parents needed me to do and rarely did anything for myself. Even though my family would say how grown-up I was, secretly, I hated it. I just wanted to be a child. I got to do things like other children, but those extra duties I felt were not my responsibility caused me distress. I just thought that it was unfair that I had so much responsibility at a young age. Little did I realize that this would help me in my adult life. My mother showed me love and would encourage me to be anything I wanted to be in life, but at the same time, she showed me tough love. Though the encouragement was coming from her, every boy desires the attention and love of his father as well. My father and I never got along. There was always friction between us, and I didn’t know why. He treated me differently than the way he treated my brothers. I was an outcast. As I look back, I was the one always getting fussed at and in trouble. Being very close to my mother made me very sensitive, so I noticed the little things in how my father and brothers interacted. For instance, each of my brothers has a nickname. While this might sound trivial to some, it spoke volumes. In my mind, a nickname was a term of endearment, and it represented a connection that I didn’t have with my father. Anything my brothers needed or wanted, it seemed that all they had to do was ask, and they got it. I would ask for things but hardly got what I wanted. I wanted a minibike for my eleventh birthday Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children

when I was ten years old. My parents told me that I couldn’t get one until I was a teenager. So, I waited until I turned thirteen. I went back and asked for the minibike again, and this time the story was I had to be sixteen years old to get one. Disappointed, I waited until my sixteenth birthday and asked for a moped because I felt too old for a mini bike at this age. Again, I had to wait until I was eighteen to get one. On my eighteenth birthday, I asked about the moped. My mother and father said I was old enough to get it for myself. This string of disappointments hurt me deep inside. It continues to be a running joke in my family, but it left me unable to expect anything from anyone. I became disappointed and too afraid of being let down very early in life. So, with all of the disappointment and perceived favoritism comes the lopsided relationship with my father. It was as if I could never do anything right in his eyes. I couldn’t wash the car right. I couldn’t cut the grass correctly. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I would actually fuss back at him, and it didn’t turn out too well. He would say, “There’s only one man in this house. If you don’t like it, you can leave.” And, me being a “hothead,” I would leave not knowing where I would go. I just had to get out of the house and away from him. It had gotten to the point where I knew the exact time my father would get home from work, and if I were in the living room watching television, as soon as I heard the car pull up, I would go into my room and close the door to avoid any interaction with him. One day, my father and I got into a heated argument, and I was tired of how he treated me. I felt he would look for things to fuss at me. So, we went back and forth with each other, and the magic words came out again. “There is only one man in this house. If you don’t like it, you can leave.” So, I left, but I was determined never to come back this time, and I meant it. I would live on the streets if I had to, but I refused to go back to that house as long as he was there. I was gone so long that my mother and family members were out looking for me. She found me and brought me home. Secretly, deep down, I wanted my dad to miss me, but as soon as I hit the door, he grabbed a belt and started beating me and said, “So you want to run away? I’ll give you something to run away for!” With every strike of the belt, I could feel his anger. My mother jumped between us and said, “Lawrence, stop it. You’re going to kill him!” It was that day when I came to hate my father. I mentally disconnected from him. It remained that way until I was old enough to move out on my own. Fast forward more than twenty years later. I listened to a lecture by Student Minister Abdul Sharrieff Muhammad, the former Supreme Captain in the Nation of Islam. It was a message to a group of young men in a Manhood 30

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Development Class. He said something I thought was so profound. First, he asked a question. “How many of you talked to your mother recently and told her that you love her?” Almost every hand in the room went up. Then he asked, “How many of you talked to your father and told him that you loved him?” Hardly a hand went up. He then said, “Poor Dad.” He went on to talk about the lack of respect that fathers get. Some fathers were not in their child's life, and the child is angry and judgemental of the father. He said, “None of us has a right to judge our parents. We don’t know what made our fathers the way they are or what kept them from being in our lives. Could it be that dad was a hard-working man who went to work faithfully every day to take care of his family? Then one day, he came home early and found mom in an uncompromising position? So, instead of killing the mother and the other person, he just walked out and turned to the bottle (alcohol) or turned to drugs to cover his pain?” Then he said, “you should call your father and tell him that you love him. Even if you have to say it real quick and hang up the phone.” His words led me to think about my interactions with my father over the years. Now, don’t get me wrong. My father was not an absentee father. He was a hard worker who provided for his family. He didn’t drink, gamble, or do drugs. It was just something about his relationship with me that had so much friction. I decided that we needed to talk. I called him one day and said, “Hey, we need to talk.” He said, “Okay.” I said, “we need to talk in person. I’m coming over.” I got in my car and drove 300 miles to New Orleans from Monroe, Louisiana, that same day. I got to the house, and we proceeded to talk privately behind closed doors. I expressed all the years of neglect and abuse that I still felt, even as a grown man. I said to him, “My whole life, you never told me that you loved me.” His response stopped me in my tracks because I came to let him have it and get all of this “stuff ” off my chest. He said, “Son. I do love you. I thought I was showing you that I loved you by going to work every day and putting food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back.” He said, “I was only giving to you what was given to me.” That was it! Those were the words I had wanted to hear all my life. I realized that it wasn’t about the minibike or the moped. I just wanted to know that my father loved me, and I wanted to feel it. I felt it that day. At that moment, with tears in my eyes, I saw my father in a totally different light. I saw him as a human being who had been missing the same love and affection that I so desperately wanted. Hearing him say these things blew me away, making me understand him much better. I have realized that a person can only give what they have been given and teach Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children

what they know. I have a newfound love and respect for my father. I see the humanity in him, and most importantly, I can also see the love in him. Since that time, my mother has passed away. My dad has retired, and I’m the one who takes care of him. Isn’t it funny how things change and come full circle? Today we have a great relationship. I no longer have the hatred in my heart for him as I once did. I see him for who he is. He still has his quirks, but I know that’s just a part of who he is, and I don’t take it personally. Every child wants love and approval from their parents. Though our parents love us, that love may not be expressed how we want it. Even though we may want to hear those precious words ”I Love You,” it’s the actions that are most important. A home where parents and children can express themselves and talk to one another can prevent years of misunderstanding and resentment. Because our parents cannot give or give in the way we want doesn’t make them bad parents. They can only parent in the way they know. It is good to talk with our parents to understand their childhood and upbringing. Doing so will help us to understand them better. We are an extension of them, and we have the opportunity to break the generational curses that plague our community. We have the opportunity to build better and more stable family units. Strong families build a strong nation. Even though my story deals with my father, there are mothers and daughters, mothers and sons with frayed relationships. I wrote about my experiences, so hopefully, you will not judge your parents and their shortcomings. We should be kind and thankful for them. It’s because of them that we are who we are today. I will leave you with these words that keep me grounded. “And thy Lord has decreed that you serve Him, and do good to parents. If either or both of them reach old age with thee, say not “fie” to them, nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say: My Lord, have mercy on them, as they brought me up when I was little.” Holy Quran 17: 23-24 Maulana Muhammad Ali Translation.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Don’t judge your parents. Schedule a time to sit with your parents to understand who they are as a person. Make a list of positive things about them. Whether your father or mother is present in your life or not, you cannot judge them because you don’t know their story. 2. Parents should step back and observe. Schedule time to talk with each of your children, separately. Allow each of them to express themselves. Affirm how they feel. Take time to see how your actions or inactions affect your children. Make a list of what you observe. 3. Put in the work. Make a list of ways to create a loving parent-child relationship and commit to putting in the work to do so. Create a contract that you both will agree to build a family legacy of love, wealth, honesty, and respect that will continue into future generations.

Resources Facebook : Lawrence Muhammad

Healing The Wounds Between Parents and Children

Chapter 5

From Violence to Virtue By: Jessica T. Moore

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

JESSICA T. MOORE

"Give yourself permission to evolve and let go." -Jessica T. Moore Jessica T. Moore is married to her high school classmate Aaron Moore. Together they have three children and reside in Atlanta, GA. She is the host of “The Jessica Moore Show,” creator of the “Own Your Story” brand, and the Visionary Author of “Embracing Imperfections”. She has shared the stage multiple times with #1 Motivational Speaker Les Brown and recently co-authored a book with him. Jessica is also a training facilitator for New York Times Bestselling Author Russell Brunson’s mentees. She combines her experience as a former actress, international bestselling author, and master-level clinician to fulfill her mission of helping people inspire, impact and influence through their stories and transform the lives of the people they serve.

From Violence to Virtue

remember the day I packed my bags, said goodbye to Detroit, MI, and traveled on the road to Arkansas. I lived in Detroit my entire life and would miss going downtown during the holidays. Christmas and Thanksgiving were my favorite. I would watch as celebrities paraded through the city with the giant floaties. Ice skating and drinking hot chocolate were among my favorite things to do. Arriving in Arkansas was indeed a culture shock! I moved to a town smaller than any of the neighborhoods in Detroit. It felt like a different world: the people, the environment, and the lifestyle. Unless you took a thirty-minute drive, there was hardly anything near to do. I decided to do what I do best, mingle with people. Since I'd be there a while, I figured I might as well get to know someone. That’s when I met him, at 15 years old...the guy that would change my life forever. This was my first actual relationship. Of course, I had talked to boys before, but nothing that was ever too serious. As time passed, we became inseparable. We texted each other every day and talked on the phone for hours. I was going through a lot at home, so he became my safe haven. I used to get out of school and couldn't wait to spend time with him and his family. He had something I didn't; two parents in a home together and married. I admired this, and I dreamed of the day when I would have a husband and family. I just knew that this high school sweetheart who had swept me off my feet would be the love of my life forever, right? Well, not exactly. Our relationship became toxic. We began to betray each other, but we wouldn't let one another go. As things went downhill, I thought, if I gave him the one thing that no one else could, everything would go back to the way it was. But then the conversations I had with my mom re-played through my head. She said, "You have something special, baby girl. Wait until you're 36

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married." She gave me a promise ring, which she would upgrade every few years until she passed away. She taught me about virtue. However, my desire to save a relationship I didn't need, pushed all those talks about morals out the door. Here I was, 17 years old, contemplating whether I should give this gift a little early, just to patch things up. In my teenage mind, I believed this was the key to fixing things, so I ended up giving him my gift of innocence. Instead of things getting better, they got worse. The relationship became physically and emotionally abusive, but I continued to stay and lost my dignity as a result. I didn’t value or even recognize myself. The person I had become wasn't the same one who left Detroit. I suffered in silence, and no one knew what I was going through. Although I moved away to college in Ohio on a scholarship, we still kept in touch. It would have been the perfect time to let go, but we didn't. I continued to visit him, and a few months later, I found out that I was pregnant. I thought, “well, maybe it's not too late to work things out.” I was in Ohio without any family support, trying to decide whether to move back to Arkansas, which I didn’t want to do. I ended up moving to Arizona to live with a family member. I figured the move to Arizona would give me a chance to start life with my baby in a good environment. Boy, was I wrong! Once I arrived in Arizona, only three weeks passed before my family member decided to kick me out on the street. Here I was, a pregnant teenager, in the middle of nowhere. It was nothing but the grace of God that saved me at that moment. My great aunt tried to get me a plane ticket, but the flight was not until the following day. With no place to stay after leaving my relative’s home, I remembered a girl I had met during a previous visit to Arizona. I was so happy she remembered me too, and we connected online. She picked me up, and she and her boyfriend helped get me a bus ticket. During the three long, exhausting days on the bus to Arkansas, I tossed and turned. At almost eight months pregnant, the ride was a lot on my body. I was uncomfortable, but I pulled through. When I arrived, I tried once again to make things work with him because, at this point, I felt as if I had no other choice. My relationships with my family were strained. A month later, on a sunny July day, I gave birth to my baby girl, Raivyn. When I looked into her beautiful brown eyes, I instantly fell in love. At that point, I knew things had to change, but I didn't know when or how. I thought about leaving, but I wasn’t sure how I could do it on my own, so I continued From Violence to Virtue

to stay. I knew my daughter and I deserved so much more. At 19, I prepared to move into my first apartment. When I got those keys, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I walked from the living room to the bedrooms, and a sense of peace came over me. I could hardly believe it. This was my space. I would have never thought, just six months ago, I could get to this point on my own. I enrolled in counseling and began to focus on myself and my baby girl. Even though we were no longer in a relationship, we still had a child together, but our co-parenting was ineffective. Sometimes he would try to destroy my character, expose me, and spread rumors to whoever was willing to listen. It hurt, but I learned to keep pushing forward. I learned to have empathy because I understand now that hurt people will hurt people. All I could do was continue to be the best for myself and my baby. Overcoming the emotional effects of an abusive relationship took time. I had gone into a deep dark hole and experienced depression, so I had to engage in a lot of inner work and healing. I had to shift my energy. I began to meditate and listen to motivational speeches, and I also learned the importance of gratitude. I'm thankful to my counselor for helping me to work through my feelings. She encouraged me to get out and meet new people. As soon as I shifted my environment, blessings started to pour into my life. It was as if the universe was waiting for me to get in alignment with who I was truly supposed to be. Today, I am married to my amazing husband Aaron, and in addition to my amazing daughter Raivyn, I have two wonderful sons named Taron and Taj. Although we are technically a “blended family,” we are one. We currently reside in Atlanta, GA, and have enjoyed running our family business fulltime since we were 25 years old. As I reflect, my past is barely recognizable. I am grateful that season of my life ended because things could have been worse. I realize that conflict gives birth to clarity. I would not wish my situation on my worst enemy, but my experience has helped me understand what I will and won't tolerate as an adult. My teen years were the lowest point of my life, and now I intentionally live a life of virtue, never settling for anything less than I deserve. We all want to have a happy ending, but that's not always the case. Some relationships are destined to dissolve. I've learned not to hold on to things longer than I should. This lesson is not only for relationships but is for all areas of my life. The biggest lesson I learned is that teens, like adults, go through difficult times. It's essential to be in tune with your children. Before my mother passed away unexpectedly, she was present with me. We were able to be open and 38

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have real conversations. She was a sense of peace for me. My father and I have always had a very rocky relationship. We rarely saw eye to eye, and we did not communicate well. As a result, I began to look for love in the wrong places and ultimately settled for a relationship I did not need. As parents, it's okay not to have all the answers. It's important to understand that neither the parent nor the child is an expert, so we must learn to grow together. As we repair the black family, we must understand rather than react. We have to present ourselves as approachable to our children and admit our wrongdoings when necessary. As for relationships, I have learned not to be judgmental and always be kind. You never know what someone is going through. Lastly, I realized that regardless of your circumstances, it always works out in the end! Today, my husband and I provide help to teens in foster care. Many of them have similar backgrounds and experiences as I do, but some are a lot worse. We work on life skills, leadership, and self-sufficiency. Many of my teens are runaways, but they've never run away from me. I was once ashamed of what now connects me to the girls I work with and help. When I speak to them, I'm not talking about what I learned in a textbook. I'm speaking about my real-life experiences. That makes me more qualified than my credentials. I’ve learned to embrace my imperfections and to stand on my story, not in my story. My words of encouragement to any woman going through a similar situation are to rise above the drama, rise above the hate, rise and keep pushing forward. No matter what your past looks like, you can always write a new chapter in your life. Write down what you truly want and desire. Work on yourself first, and you'll naturally let go of the things and people that don't deserve you. You'll begin to attract quality people. Never be ashamed of your past because it has made you who you are today.

From Violence to Virtue

Repair Work 1. Acknowledge when a relationship no longer serves you. Everyone does not deserve space in your life. We have to learn to release people with love. Just because you have ties to a person does not mean they are worth your peace and happiness. 2. Take responsibility for your pain. No matter what you have been through, always take responsibility for your pain. See how you played a part in what happened. Owning your pain will allow you not to be a volunteer victim of your circumstances. 3. Take back your power. Taking back your power will give you the strength to keep moving forward. Find ways to get back to who you were created to be. Remember, a setback is a setup for the best version of yourself!

Resources My Social Media: @thejessicamooreshow My Podcast: The Jessica Moore Show My Website: jessicatmoore.com

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Chapter 6

Choose to Be By: Desha Francois

Choose to Be

DESHA FRANCOIS

"Every choice you make makes you, so choose wisely."

From college dropout to a successful entrepreneur, Desha Francois’ journey has not always been easy. This hard-working wife, mother, and author is the owner of The Glow Luxe Beauty Bar. She specializes in spa treatments, makeup, waxing, yoni steaming, and natural handmade skincare products. She is highly intelligent, and she prides herself on being a creator of all things great. In addition to fueling her creative passions, her mission is to inspire people, especially women. Desha is still on a journey to repair SELF. She strives to be an example for struggling people, especially women, working through generational trauma. Desha encourages and supports those who need that extra motivation to step into a new life and claim it! She inspires them to do this not only for the people around them but, most importantly, for themselves!

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Choose to Be

cannot count the times I’ve broken down trying to work on myself. I questioned my purpose and how I would get over this period in my life. Would I ever get back to myself? My mother was a single parent who worked a lot, busting her tail to make ends meet. I had lots of responsibilities as the eldest of six children, and I resented my mother as a child because I felt robbed of many things that ordinary children got to do. I was the first in my immediate family with the chance to do a lot of different things, and I felt pressure to be “perfect.” I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA and got to pick the university of my choice with a small academic scholarship. I was excited to begin my first semester strong and finally have the freedom I longed for at home. I eventually met my husband, we became inseparable, and soon I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete denial and shock. As the months followed, I immediately jumped into preparation mode, working overtime when I wasn’t sick, trying to save money. I was in and out of the hospital with extreme morning sickness that prohibited me from drinking water. Schoolwork was getting harder and harder. It was a rough pregnancy, both mentally and physically. There were so many times I felt I could not do it. I did not realize nor appreciate my mother's sacrifices until I became a mother myself. I began to look at my childhood experiences as a blessing. I had learned to do many things the average 19-year-old could not do. This realization was the beginning of my healing process. My contractions started, and my baby was ready to enter the world. Once I arrived at the hospital, I was admitted immediately. Our beautiful baby girl was born. I had just left the theater with my family watching “The Birth of a Nation.” I didn’t realize how this powerful film of rebirth and strength would coincide with the birth of my child, signaling the same tone of rebirth for Choose to Be

me. I was delighted but confused when the doctor laid her tiny body across my chest. I looked over her features and gasped when I noticed her tiny little hands. She had only three fingers instead of five on one hand and three deformed fingers on the other. I looked at her tiny toes to see that some were not fully developed, and others had no toenails. I was so confused. I wondered what I had done wrong for my baby to be born this way. The medical staff diagnosed her physical deformities as amniotic band syndrome. When they took her to clean her up and move us into another room, I fell apart. The doctors and medical students repeatedly came in to examine my daughter and recommend therapies and testing during our stay. I chose to embark on a journey to help aid her in whatever she needed to make her life easier. I didn’t want to treat her any differently because of her abnormalities. With all her uniqueness, my daughter's birth was a significant mark in my life though I struggled deeply with depression that first year. “What did I do wrong for my baby to be born differently?” It seemed like everything was spiraling out of control. I ended up flunking my classes and dropping out of school. Soon I realized I needed to heal, and I had to break free from that dark cloud that had a tight hold on me. I began reading books, listening to motivational speeches, deepening my spirituality, and researching my family history. The more I sought knowledge, the more I learned about myself. I realized that everything happens for a reason, and I refused to let any negative energy consume or dictate to me. Looking back, I believe my journey of self-repair began after my second child was born. I understood then that everything I do for myself and my family needs to be intentional. I’m now the mother of three brilliant children. My amazing daughter with the “deformities” is now five years old, and she is a bright light unto the world. She is purpose-driven and is a selftaught ballerina. I re-enrolled in school and discovered a newfound passion for esthetics and anything related to healing the body. With my renewed excitement, I started my own business. I am forging the way for my children to be successful in anything they desire, and although I've paused my journey many times, I chose triumph to be the end of my story and theirs. Life has taught me many lessons. I know now that your stresses are blessings, and while we may not always understand, everything happens for a reason. Get quiet and seek to learn the lessons of your experiences. Lean not on your understanding and seek knowledge to create a better version of yourself and everyone around you. Create your reality and be intentional with your life. Continue to put your best foot forward. 44

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Repair Work 1. Accept what has happened and choose to heal! Decide that you won’t dwell on the past. Make a list of experiences and explain how you have grown from them. 2. Seek knowledge. Commit to learning something new. Decide to learn a new language,play a musical instrument, fly a plane, do anything that will challenge you to continue growing. Gather your resources and use everything available to create a better version of yourself. 3. Play on your strengths. Make a list of your strengths. Make a list of what you perceive to be weaknesses. Write down what you can do to turn each weakness into a strength.

Resources My Website: www.theglowluxebeautybar.com My Social Media: @The Glow Luxe Beauty Bar

Choose to Be

Chapter 7

Understanding Our Power and Purpose By: Arlena Jenkins

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

ARLENA JENKINS

“Understand your Power within and Manifest Greatness for Your Purpose in Life.” Arlena Jenkins is a lover of life! Born and raised in Atlanta, GA, she is the wife of Van Jenkins and mother of five children. Arlena is an amazing woman of many gifts and talents. She is a cosmetologist, singer/soloist, choir and music director, vocal coach, actress, stage play director, executive producer, and CEO of several companies. Arlena serves her community as a volunteer, offering her time, gifts, and mental and spiritual health advice. Her love for life and people is apparent to all she meets. Arlena's purpose is to love and help others understand their power and purpose by encouraging them to realize the importance of having a sound and positive mindset.

Understanding Our Power and Purpose

I have many stories to tell, but I’ve decided to share an important one that happened during a pivotal time in my life. I suffered from epileptic seizures with LOC, accompanied by a loss of consciousness. This condition caused me to lose control of my senses and flat-line for minutes at a time, requiring at least a three-day recovery. These episodes would usually occur due to over-exertion or tons and tons of stress. As young people might say of me, “I was doing too much!” A week or so before Christmas one year, I was overwhelmed and overworked. I needed to make extra money for toys and gifts, so I serviced nearly twenty clients a day at the hair salon where I worked as a cosmetologist. I was recently widowed when my husband of 10 years died tragically in a motorcycle accident. I was devastated. Overwhelmed with grief, I had to search for a larger home to accommodate our five children and three young cousins placed in my care after his death. Trying to manage as an unexpected single mother, I was in stress overload. In addition to all of this, my oldest son and his cousin were robbed at gunpoint while walking to the neighborhood store. This stress caused a major epileptic episode, and I lost consciousness for longer than usual. I was rushed to the hospital and could not do anything for nearly two weeks after that experience. Consequently, I couldn’t find a large enough home for the family, and there weren’t any presents for the children, not even a Christmas tree. I was in a bad state. Despite everything, I thank God that my children know that receiving gifts is not the most important thing about Christmas and has little to do with its true meaning. I realized through that experience that all my children wanted for Christmas was a healthy mom. It was a challenging time for me. I could barely do anything for myself except go to the restroom and crawl back into bed. While lying there, I’d hear a voice saying to me, “Even if you don’t do anything, I am still able!” I believed the spirit of God 48

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was speaking to me and assuring me that I could trust and depend on Him to see me through. I adopted a stress-free, worry-free mindset and decided to move forward and not worry or stress about anything ever again. I began to think and pray about what I wanted and believed I could obtain it. This experience was the inspiration that I needed. Looking at the major stressors in my life, I realized that working at the salon was one, so I resigned. Not having a home large enough for my family stressed me, so I set out on a mission to change this. Finally able to get out of bed and leave the house, I was determined to find us a new home. As my mother drove me to return the salon keys, we saw a place I had admired for a long while. We noticed a “For Rent” sign, and my mother shouted to me, “Mushy! Isn’t that the house we’ve been dreaming about with the rent sign in the yard?” In my Atlanta slang, I responded, “Shooool is!” “Call them, call them!” she exclaimed, and I assured her I would as soon as we left the salon. I called the owners, and they were at the house as luck would have it! We were able to see it right away. It was just what we needed; the perfect home for our family! I didn’t have the money at that time, and I didn’t know how to get it, but I didn’t worry or stress. I proclaimed, “That home is ours!” I informed the landlord about my medical condition and expressed my need to find a large enough home for my family. I asked him for two weeks to come up with the first month’s rent and deposit. He stated that he had potential buyers with money in hand and could not make any promises to me. We left, but I had no doubt the home was ours, so I texted him my contact information and told him to feel free to call me anytime to let us know his decision. I received a call later that evening from the landlord. He apologized for calling so late, but he told me what he had to say, could not wait. He told me, “I’m a man of God, and I listen to the Spirit of God. I was working in the yard, preparing the house for something totally different, when I heard the Spirit say to me, ‘Why don’t you get this house ready for a family?’ and I did just that.” He continued, “Arlena, I listened to the Spirit, and I started getting it ready for a family. It just so happened you guys were the first family to stop by today. I wrestled all day long about my decision, but the Spirit told me that it is yours, so no matter how long I have to wait - two weeks, two months, two years - I will. The house is yours no matter how long I have to wait because the Spirit says it’s yours.” This situation taught me that we could manifest whatever we want in life. I believe without a doubt that what appears impossible is possible. Three days later, we moved into that home! I know now that we have the power Understanding Our Power and Purpose

and ability to speak, think, and manifest things in our lives. I realized that I was manifesting the illness I was suffering by calling the seizures or epileptic episodes “My seizures.” I was claiming them and making them my own. I stopped claiming those episodes and said to myself, “I will not suffer anymore. I am healed. I will not call them my seizures again.” I manifested and claimed healing for my life. I soon noticed that I had fewer and fewer episodes, and eventually, months, then years went by without a seizure. I’m pleased to say it’s been well over three years since the last attack. I genuinely believe that we can manifest greatness in our lives. I started to pay more attention to my thoughts, words, and actions, and I purposely made sure they were positive. I deliberately did things to train my mind to manifest a positive outcome. Approach stress with the mindset of peace. Situations will arise, so think positive thoughts first amid the crisis. Study and continue to evaluate yourself to make sure you are aligned with your purpose holistically - mind, body, and spirit. Think about this. Why do we always think of negative thoughts first when a situation arises? If you receive a call from a family member in the middle of the night, the first thoughts that come to mind are, “Oh my God! What is wrong? Why are they calling me so late? Something has to be wrong!” You answer the phone only to find that the call was a mistake. You breathe a sigh of relief and go back to sleep. We caused ourselves unnecessary stress by automatically thinking something was wrong when it was what we call here in Atlanta a “butt dial.” Make sure your initial thoughts are positive. Do not have any predetermined negative thoughts at all. Allow whatever is happening to be what it is simply. This change has yielded many benefits, including reduced stress, a positive outlook, and a much happier life!

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Recognize the power of the tongue. Speak positively to yourself and others, and positivity will spread worldwide! This exercise is called Speaking Life. At least once a day, offer words of encouragement, give a compliment, or respond to a bad situation with positive words. 2. Choose to have a sound mindset. There’s a saying: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” We can manifest our thoughts to become our reality. Thinking about your goals and purpose and believing that you can and will achieve them can help you fulfill them. Negative thoughts will come into our minds, but when they do, quickly dismiss them and replace them with something more positive! Practice focusing on your purpose with a positive mindset, Write your vision and purpose which will help you fulfill it more efficiently. Make a deliberate choice every day to think positively. 3. Knowing your purpose in life is key. Take time to listen to your inner voice. We all have a purpose. Cultivating and walking in your purpose ultimately repairs all families. Knowing and living your purpose has the power to make the world better. Make it a habit to purposely be great!

Resources My Social Media: @arlenajenkins_ FB: Arlena Jenkins

Understanding Our Power and Purpose

Chapter 8

There’s Power in The Ugly Truth By: Janelle Ford

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

JANELLE FORD

“Without the journey there is no peace, and without peace, there is no power!” -Janelle Ford Janelle C. Ford is the owner and CEO of Solidified Visions, LLC. A certified professional life coach and mental wellness advocate, she captures the attention of many with her unconventional but personable aura and thought-provoking inspiration. As the founder of Heart-to-Heart Coalition, a non-profit for young single moms, Janelle’s mission is to help women lead solution-based lives of peace and personal fulfillment. She empowers them to develop the tools to dismantle self-limiting beliefs, a defeated mindset, and hindering cycles. Janelle is a background vocalist for ENM Music Group. She is also a contributing background vocalist on Nathan Mitchell Presents: Donny, Duke and Wonder, NAACP Image Awards for three times consective Outstanding Jazz Album nominee. Janelle has been a guest on local platforms and featured on The CWR Talk Network and New York’s Business Talk Radio.

There’s Power in The Ugly Truth

grew up separated from my mother and seven siblings because my parents both suffered from drug addiction. I was fortunate to be raised by my loving paternal grandmother. I was raised in a clean, cozy house, always well-fed, with a decent and loving family. Still, for many years ahead, I had voids, searching for contentment, validation, and love in all the wrong places, people, and things. Most would agree that everyday life should be pretty good in a God-fearing home, with all those loving comforts I mentioned. It was good, but I eventually realized it doesn’t matter who loves you or who’s rooting for you. How you feel about yourself can only be built through you. Just like peeling an onion, it took layers, levels, and years of pause and pondering, like zoning out into my thoughts, fading into a daze and blur, like an unfocused picture. Then you snap out of it, shake it off, and time after time, you choose to keep to yourself what you’re feeling on the inside because, in your mind, you can already imagine the possibility of being dismissed or the disconnect that you may feel by being vulnerable and open. Have you ever had moments of irritation where your mood would deflate out of nowhere? And whoever you were around at that present moment, even if they asked, “what’s wrong?” Instead of you trusting that they genuinely cared, by embracing the opportunity to be open, you still felt offended and denied that anything was wrong. But here’s the thing, it wasn’t them that offended you. It’s the inability to identify your sudden irritation or mood change and the fact that they noticed it that offended you. Because you couldn’t put your finger on it, you thickened your wall of protection and did the typical thing of shutting down. Often you’ll hear people talking about their good heart and how they treat people, but I’ve learned that you can be a great, genuine, and loving 54

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person and still be a contributor to what’s hindering you. Yes, people will hurt you, disappoint you, and lie on you, but the question remains, “What are you going to do about you?” It’s true when they say that we are our own worst enemy, and I’m a witness that it can take years to identify who the enemy is. So, we try to create life our way to make us feel afloat or a part of something in the meantime. You know, like having kids, entertaining deadened relationships, unequally yoked marriages, excessive spending (seafood trays) lol, etc. Accumulating things, liabilities, and obligations for a sense of belonging, but no matter what, often days, something is still missing. I grew up in a home with walls of scripture and affirmations. “Oh, what peace we often forfeit. Oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer,” was the one that stuck with me the most. I remember telling my grandma that we learn the routine of church, Sunday school, singing in the choir, and so on, but we never studied the Bible or tapped into our relationship or access to God until we had already made numerous mistakes and broken most of the Ten Commandments. Early on, my relationship with God was begging Him to fix things and change certain situations in my life, but I would always avoid praying with conviction, “Lord have your way.” Because I knew enough about God’s sense of humor, I tried to prevent God from having me go through things His way to get me where He wanted me to be. There is endless literature, influence, videos, audio, etc., on life, perspective, and beliefs to overcome whatever you’re going through. Still, the only thing that counts is your truth and what you’re going to do with it to restore your heart, mind, and life. Vice President Kamala Harris said, and I quote, “We all have more in common than what separates us.” I agree100%; we all struggle with something, no one is exempt. But the question is, what are you going to do about yourself? How often do you have conversations with yourself about yourself? Woman, mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. What is your truth? Who are you? Do you know why? What things do There’s Power in The Ugly Truth

you like? Do you even like yourself? Is there anything that you need? If so, do you ask? Are you happy? When you choose, do you choose for yourself, or do you choose due to the pressure of others? Do you feel heard? Do you listen to others? Better yet, have you listened to yourself? These are some of the same questions that came to me many times when I zoned off in my thoughts, faded into a daze, and went into that blurry picture. Not having clear, confident answers within myself beat down on me harder than anyone else ever could. It left me feeling lost, like a scene from a movie on the New York City streets, trying to navigate where to go while the pedestrians passed me by going the opposite direction in fast forward speed. But just like a person who lost something would backtrack, hoping to find what they lost, I realized that I was going to have to backtrack to collect the puzzle pieces to my ugly truth, then stop avoiding what’s undeniably true. Whatever the struggle, it is ok. Whatever the battle, it can be won. If I can do it, anyone can; you have to be intentional in taking the journey. “Fake it till you make it” is a real-life survival mindset that will begin to take a toll that your mental and emotional state can no longer afford to pay. Truly "making it" is essential, even if "making it" simply means developing an unwavering peace for yourself. Avoiding your ugly truth is attached to your perception, choices, behaviors, and social interactions. It can cause you to dwell in the familiar for so long that by the time you look up or snap out of it, years have passed. Imagine, year after year, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, being in the same space, fighting the same things, and telling yourself the same lies of comfort and self-limiting defenses. As a woman and mother who began to be intentional in awareness of her own mental and emotional struggles, let alone the darkness of society and the odds stacked against us, I was finally ready to commit to my healing and growth journey to be a better contributor to my home children and feel safe within myself. Life does what it wants to do when it wants to, so I learned that the more I respect life, the more I’ll get out of it, and I’ll better discern when to go against the grain and when to go with life’s flow. How I move, think, and see things moving forward will help me gain something meaningful and learn to improvise with the unpredictable. Life back then wasn’t the darkest of the dark, but it was dark enough for 56

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me to want better for myself, as well as my passion for my children’s mental and emotional health. I committed to identifying my broken pieces and learning where I was responsible for my peace and personal fulfillment. I believe that you have to truly get tired of yourself first to be intentional in discovering what needs to be healed so you can grow. There’s nothing cliche about healing and growth; there are no shortcuts. The process is one that you must go through to experience your breakthrough. You can’t go over the process, around it, or under it. You’re built through the things that you deal with, not in the things that you avoid. The more you avoid your truth, you pay the extra cost of unnecessary pain, detours, and hindering cycles. No matter how ugly your truth is, you have to stop avoiding what’s undeniably true within you because God will allow you to go through the same test until you learn the necessary lessons. There is something about going all the way! I’ve been asked, what is the most essential tool necessary to connect every element of who you are, where you are, where you need to be and desire to be, and my answer every time will be peace. You gain what I call extraordinary peace by taking a journey dedicated to your healing and growth, it's hard, but it is worth it. We live in a microwave society where everyone wants quick and fast results. I know because I tried, but it doesn't work. What you lack internally will resurface and show its face, you may cover it up, but inside it will eat you up. Trust me when I say, keep a vow to yourself, because when we don’t, it gets harder for us to recover. Life is not the same, and we don’t have time as we once did, to do better and differently. With the ways of the world, spiritual warfare is heavy on the prowl; mental health and pain are more severe than ever for people to carry. We can't rewind time or erase experiences, but if we choose, we can build something from it if we decide. You’re human, so it will be challenging, and more than likely, you may waver and fall, of course. Look at your journey to self-awareness and identity to heal as showing up for yourself. We take a chance every day, but we have to love ourselves, our children, and our families enough, to no longer be irresponsible with our mental, heart, soul, and life. Be intentional, and chase after growth. You will start to cleanse from the inside out and make room for health from every aspect to align your peace, power, and life. If you are self-aware, healing, and accountable, you are growing, which means you’re already successful. Keep going! There’s Power in The Ugly Truth

Repair Work 1. Journal. Be proactive, and replace television, social media, etc., with a journal for at least 30 minutes each day. Journaling can help you unconsciously pour out what you would consciously try to keep bottled inside. This practice will aid in your self-awareness to help discover your true identity, so you can begin to set yourself free. 2. Declutter. Clutter in your mind and your home/life go hand-inhand. Clutter indicates a lack of organization, increases stress, affects mood, and drains your energy, weighing your mental and emotional capacity. Set a realistic goal and pick a day or weekend within 30 days to keep up and keep clutter down. 3. Mindful Intake. What we eat exceeds food and drinks. What we feed our minds and emotions is as important as feeding ourselves through our stomachs. What we watch on television, the music we listen to, etc., all have a good or bad influence. Try replacing social media and internet surfing with motivational and educational videos. Be intentional in your mindful intake, and your perspective, actions, and life will follow.

Resources My Website: www.iamjanelleford.com My Social Media: @iamjanelleford___

Chapter 9

The Wife. MOM. Boss By: Bra’Nica Muhammad

The Wife. MOM. Boss

Bra’Nica Muhammad

“The key to having it all is knowing that you already do. Family isn’t just the important thing; it’s everything.” Bra’Nica Muhammad is a wife of ten years, a mother of three, and a serial MOMpreneur. She owns “Mommy & Me Creations” and “Bodied By B” waist trainers. She is also a health and wellness coach and a member of the Nation of Islam. In addition to her business endeavors, she is a leader and beckon of light that shows and guides people to find their higher selves. Bra’Nica teaches the importance of putting yourself first. She had to learn the hard way that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and her goal is to help others to see that!

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

The Wife. MOM. Boss

I have always desired to be of service to others. Growing up, I wanted to be an attorney, a corporate lawyer, to be exact because I felt it was the only way I could help people. However, my life took a turn when I married and had my son. I supported my husband through four years of school as he was working to become a licensed contractor electrician. Once he finished, I went on to earn my associate’s degree, but before moving on with my bachelor’s degree, I became pregnant. My pregnancy was difficult; the first four months, I was sick. After having my son, I had three miscarriages, and because the doctors couldn’t tell me why, it took a toll on me mentally and physically. Eventually, I went to a chiropractor who told me I had a pinched thyroid gland that would prohibit me from carrying a baby. Two months after being adjusted, I was pregnant with my daughter, a dream come true, only to find out three months after her arrival I was pregnant again with my second daughter. I now have the daughter I’ve always wanted. How could I love another baby so soon? I became mentally overwhelmed. To make things worse, I had to stop breastfeeding my first daughter because I couldn’t produce milk. The doctor told me I had to choose, breastfeed and risk a miscarriage, or stop breastfeeding and preserve my baby's life. I had to stop breastfeeding and transition my daughter over to a bottle and make the best of it. I felt like the worst mom ever. Having babies back to back, both in diapers, one bottle and one breastfed, one walking and one crawling took a lot of my time and energy. I had to juggle my time because I still had to be a mother to my oldest son. My youngest was so attached to me; she wouldn’t take a pacifier or a bottle, she wouldn’t stay with anyone. She only wanted me. I had to leave my job, which made me sad because being there gave me a sense of self. With my extra time, I started homeschooling my daughters. Though I needed the presence of my The Wife. MOM. Boss

husband, he would be out working. When working your own business, early mornings and late nights are part of what it takes when just starting. I would talk about my draining days and tell him how much we needed him around. I wanted to go on dates and spend quality time. I still had my duties like making sure the house was clean, cooking, and the wifely things. However, I needed someone for me. I felt helpless and alone, which took a toll on our marriage because I started neglecting my duties. Both of us were exhausted in our roles and didn’t make time for one another. More arguments turned to less communication, which strained our relationship. I would notice changes in my husband, and I would confront him until one day he left. Eventually, we separated. We’ve argued or been upset with one another, but leaving was different for me. Feeling lost, confused, and not knowing what to say to my babies when they ask, “ Where is daddy? When is he coming home from work?” All these things ran through my mind. How was I going to do it with three children by myself? My husband was the sole provider for everything. I never had to pay a bill. Although he still maintained the bills, we still had to live. I got a job at the YMCA in the Kids’ Zone, so I could bring my children to work with me. Since I didn’t have to worry about the children, I picked up extra shifts, stayed longer if needed, or did anything I could do to make extra money. Although I wanted a break and felt tired working with children, it gave me something to do. I was in a dark place mentally, but God never made it feel like a heavy load through it all. Being the eldest of nine and always in a leadership role, my mind went to “you have to figure it out.” I told myself your children need you, and your family is concerned about you. I hated the feeling of pity and sympathy because I always had to be strong for others, so I knew I had to pull it together. During this process, I cried. There were some mornings I woke up hoping it was all a dream. There were days I was in a room full of family and still felt alone. I didn’t drink or smoke; I was raised to be a woman of virtue. I didn’t turn to anyone for sex, so I didn’t have those desires to take the pain away. Because of the things my mother instilled in me as a child, I knew the only thing and person who could fill this void was Allah (God). I remembered God created Himself and everything out of the darkness. So, in my mind, being in a dark space, I was still in a position of power. Everything I learned came to mind when I felt I was about to lose it. I turned to God and prayed without ceasing. Being a member of the Nation of Islam, I would go to our weekly study group and Sunday meetings. I read my Qu’ran, and it was as if God talked to me daily. I ran to Him, I needed Him, I craved a better relationship with God. I remember I didn’t care to talk about my 62

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problems to anyone but Him. There used to be a time when I didn’t want to be home because my husband was not there; but now I couldn’t wait to get home and talk to God about my day, about the good and bad, as if I was on the phone talking to a friend. I asked God for a change. I didn’t know what I wanted exactly, but I knew I needed something. One day my mother introduced me to a sister in the Nation of Islam from Chicago who is now my coach. She was looking to grow her business in TLC, and she told me about a detox tea that helped people lose weight. She also told me about some of their other products. She asked me, “What is your why? What’s that thing that keeps you up at night? When you want to give up, what keeps you going?“ I never had anyone ask me that. When going to job interviews, the employer isn’t concerned about you; they want to know how you would be an asset to their company. My brain was racing. I had been in deep thought and did some soul searching. We continued to talk. I told her about my situation and separation, and she told me, “you’re in a good spot. Use your pain. Turn your pain into passion and your passion into purpose.” I joined the business, TLC, not knowing it stood for Total Life Changes, which was exactly what I needed, a total life change. I started to follow the top leaders in the business on social media. These phenomenal women posted hashtags saying “#Millionaire Mom and #Mompreneur.” I was amazed. Black women who look like me, millionaires, moms who work out, promote healthy living and work on their phones from home. That did it for me. I always knew I wanted to make a lot of money, but I never thought about being a millionaire. Think about it - a millionaire and I can still be a mother, not having to clock in anywhere? I was amazed. God placed me where I needed to be. I started using and selling the products. I would promote, and orders came rolling in. I got fired from the YMCA because I was always on my phone. I was overwhelmed with the number of orders that came in, and I couldn’t work my shifts or cover the extra shifts as I did previously.. I was in a new space now, booked and busy. I was making money in my sleep. I had an abundance of overflow. I traveled with the company, networked, and met amazing people. I developed personally and became hungry for knowledge and wanted more. I learned “your business is only as strong as your mindset.” I become more mentally sound. I remember listening to Eric Thomas, who said, “many of us don’t know how to use our total 24 hours. People who work nine to five, come home and watch tv and want to be entertained. However, the people you’re watching on the television are already rich. Think about it, The Wife. MOM. Boss

what have you done to be entertained?” After that lecture, I stopped watching tv, replaced movies with audibles, and started reading more. I joined a program called “Girl Hold My Hand,” sponsored by one of the coaches in TLC, and my life really changed. It was a safe haven for women to know they were not alone and didn’t have to struggle through hardship. I could heal from the dark space I tried to ignore with success. I learned how to meditate, say mantras, affirmations, manifest, and speak life over myself and my children. As I healed, my children healed. We prayed together and said affirmations together. I was no longer the irritable mommy; I was the loving mommy. I was able to spend more time with them and not be mentally overwhelmed. A year went by, and my retention of customers increased even more. I began selling waist trainers from the demand of my customers, and this is how Bodied By B waist trainers came about. Life was just happening, and things were coming together. Just when I felt I was ready to move forward from my marriage, my husband came back around. It wasn’t easy, but we did the work, counseling, and communicating. We started healing, and things came back full circle. I started my business, Mommy & Me Creations, something I had desired to do for so long. Now I get questions about how I do it all: travel, be a mother, maintain home life, and juggle my businesses. I never paid attention to it; I was just making things happen. I learned many women face the same struggles. We suffer in silence and hopelessness when in reality, we have everything we need within us. We have more power than we use, and we are the co-authors of our life. We can change our narratives if required. I am the Millionaire Mom, Mompreneur, Mom Boss, Fit Mom, and Mom influencer. I was buried under my titles for so long that I forgot my identity. I gave up so much of my power! But God! I encourage you to take life experiences to motivate you to become who you want to be. Turn pain into a passion that leads to your purpose. When you make up your mind, know you are more than your titles, and you’ll begin to trust your process and fulfill your purpose.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Build a relationship with God. Acknowledge that there is a Higher Power. Commit a minimum of 15 minutes per day to identify who God is and decide to build a relationship with Him. Make a list of His attributes to understand that he is real. Have a conversation with him daily. Create a gratitude journal and thank Him in writing for something each day. Take note of how your relationship with Him will grow. 2. Meditate. Find a quiet space and dedicate some time each day to meditate. You may do this lying or sitting, patiently aligning your mind, body, and spirit. Prayer is when you talk to God, and meditation is when God speaks to you. 3. Affirmations. Make daily affirmations proclaiming what you want to happen in your life. Look in the mirror and say, “I Am Beautiful” or “I am ….” with conviction and watch it manifest. Write your affirmations on cards or stickers and place them around the house or in your car. Try recording your affirmations in your voice and listen to them regularly. Speak the life you want to create. Remember, anything you say you are, then, you are!

Resources My Website: www.mommymecreations.com My Social Media: Bra’Nica Hyman-Muhammad

Chapter 10

Plant New Seeds By: Van Eric Jenkins

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

VAN ERIC JENKINS

“Whatever we sow, it will grow!”

Van Eric Jenkins is a loving husband and father. He is a public speaker, author, and son, the sixth of eight children by his parents, Freeman and Margaret Jenkins, who have been married for 58 years as of this writing. Van is also a Thinking into Results Consultant with the Proctor Gallagher Institute. Being a personal life coach, corporate trainer, speaker, and author, he helps clients understand what they want. At the same time, he helps them gain the confidence to go after their true desires. He has trained under Bob Proctor, Les Brown, and Eric Thomas. His mission is to aid in the facilitation of abundant love, healing, blessings, and prosperity in the world.

Plant New Seeds

It happened as I put the key in my apartment door trying to enter. Out of nowhere comes a river of emotions; I began to panic while fighting to keep my feelings in check, at least for now. Because I know what’s about to happen, I’ve got to get inside. I don’t want anyone to see me in this state. Luckily my key was already in the door, so my shaking hand didn’t affect much. Finally, I managed to get in the house and shut the door as quickly as possible. Once I was inside, there was no stopping it; I had no control, and my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest. My knees lost all strength and began to buckle, I am falling, and now my entire body meets the floor. But it’s not over, not by a long shot. As I hit the floor, I clutch my stomach because it wants to hide from this pain, too, by trying to tie itself into knots. I curled up in a fetal position. My thoughts are racing like they were on the Indy 500 speedway. Now my emotional dam breaks completely and floods my entire being, all at once with feelings of betrayal, loss, confusion, anger, loneliness, and worthlessness. As I sank and drowned in this ocean of despair, I screamed at the top lungs as if I were calling for someone to save my life, “OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE!” A waterfall of tears poured down my face. A mixture of crying, screaming, and prayers for help kept erupting from the depths of my soul. I cried for what seemed like an eternity, even though it was only for seven to ten minutes. My emotions were like a rollercoaster for at least six months. Usually, this type of breakdown happened at night, but it was the first time it had affected me in the middle of the day. You see, about six months before this, my wife left me, and from my point of view, I had not done anything wrong. I was loyal, faithful, supportive, and loving. I did all I knew to do as a husband to make my marriage work, but it still fell apart, and I didn’t understand; I thought we had a great marriage. 68

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She and I met our first year of college, and sparks flew. We were thick as thieves then, inseparable! We laughed together, comforted each other, and helped each other through classes. We both spoke Spanish, so we had fun having conversations that people did not understand. We planned our future together. It was amazing how compatible we were. Almost two and half years later, I married my first love, and I was excited. We came from different backgrounds. My mother and father had been married for 47 years at the time. My siblings, who were married, had already been married to their spouses between 10 to 18 years. Marriage and commitment were the norms in my family, so I expected to be married “until death do us part.” On the other hand, my ex did not have a relationship with her father, and her mother had been through multiple relationships. So before we got married, we had serious discussions about our differences. Some, but not all, were related to the family. We both agreed that our differences helped to strengthen us as a couple. We believed our strengths helped the other’s weaknesses. I will never forget the day I understood my marriage was in trouble. She was visiting her mother after we had graduated. Something changed, and I didn’t know what, until one day I got a call from one of our family friends. The conversation went something like this. Friend: “Hey, what's going on with you and your wife?” Me: “Oh, she just misses her mother and wants to spend some time with her.” Friend: “Man listen, I'm telling you this because I think you are a good dude, and you don’t deserve this. Your wife is over here hanging with this other guy.” (Now my red flag is raised, but I downplay it.) Me: “Oh yeah, it's probably just one of her friends.” Friend: “Yeah, but he’s spending the night.” Me: “Excuse me?” Friend: “Yeah, he’s spending the night.” Me: “Is he spending the night at the house?” Friend: “Yes.” Me: “Is he spending the night in the same room with my wife?” Plant New Seeds

Friend: “Yes.” Me: “With the door closed?” Friend: “Yes.” At this point, my heart sank, my brain was spinning, and I was speechless. To make sure that I understood the situation, I asked those same questions again. But the answers remained the same. I immediately got off the phone and called her. I began to question her about the situation, but she denied that anything was going on. However, later down the road, she did finally admit to cheating. I was kicking myself because I should have realized sooner that something was seriously wrong. I remembered feeling us drifting farther and farther apart. We seemed to talk less and less, and when we did speak, our conversations seemed distant and empty. She also began staying out later, being gone for longer and longer periods, until finally, she visited her mother and never returned, except to pick up her final belongings. We had no children, so our divorce was handled through the mail, and there was no need to see each other. I haven’t seen her since. I was distraught. I could not believe that the woman I loved did not love me back. This was the first time I gave my entire heart to anyone, but it was kicked around like an old rusty can and then thrown in the trash as if it had no value. I felt lost, broken, and worthless. I wanted to take my life on multiple occasions to escape the pain. I made it through those moments by crying deeply, praying, and having the support of family and close friends. Those were some of the darkest moments of my life. To this day, I’m not 100% sure why she left. I have my theories, but it doesn’t matter. I was given some of the most incredible learning experiences of my life that prepared me to make it through even darker days. I realized people make decisions in life that have nothing to do with me. I accepted her decision and path and took responsibility for my own life. This lesson was more valuable than I could have ever imagined. I am remarried now, and I have infinitely more intimacy, trust, communication, and love than I ever had before. I benefited from that broken experience and appreciate marriage even more now. I learned I could not control or change other people. I can only change myself. This was a massive paradigm shift for me. This means I could focus on healing and repairing myself, and it was not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. How empowering to know I can heal regardless of 70

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whether another was willing to reconcile with me or not. The outcome is only dependent on me and what I do. That relationship and eventual divorce set me on the path to my destiny. “How?” you ask. After my ex-wife was gone, I found a relationship course to study. Though it could not help me in that past relationship, I obtained information to help my future relationship. I began to understand the value of reading books and picked up a book for personal development. I read several other books, which later helped me in my current career as a consultant with the Proctor Gallagher Institute. My challenging experience shaped my destiny; I learned to shift my focus. When I did shift my focus, those deeply ingrained negative mental programs that I previously thought impossible to change, I was now able to break free of them. I also learned to handle my emotions better through writing. I kept a journal of all of these strong emotions. Now when I have strong feelings, I pour them onto paper. Afterward, I feel better without overreacting, I’m able to manage my emotions, and now I can look at situations much more clearly. I understand and realize I have the power to go in a different direction and can create new results - the results I want. I am amazed because that experience blossomed into an invaluable and abundant bounty. I learned to “plant new seeds.” Let me use an analogy to explain. When growing a crop, the ground must be prepared. It has to be tilled, which is tremendously disturbing. Tools and machines are brought in to break up the ground violently. It’s twisted and turned inside out and upside down. So the once stable and peaceful ground is now torn apart, broken, and vulnerable. Add some fertilizer or manure, and though the ground smells terrible, it is now ready for seeds to be planted. Life often makes us feel like that ground. We are being ripped apart and torn to shreds. Our world is being turned inside out and upside down. We become vulnerable and exposed. And after all of the “manure” that’s flung on us, our lives look, feel, and smell like…well…you know. However, our ground is now ready for new seeds that we can harvest later—this is an opportunity to grow a brand new reality by planting seeds (new thoughts). But there is one big difference between the earth and you. All the seeds are already inside of you. You just need to choose which one to water. By water, I mean focus on. Because whatever you focus on will grow. The ground and your life do not care what type of seed it is; it will only reproduce what you choose to give energy. We can give the earth poison ivy or vegetables. Thistles or roses. It’s our choice. We can choose to cultivate forgiveness or resentment. Love or fear. Destruction or repair. But whatever we sow, it will grow! Plant New Seeds

Life will always have some struggle. But it’s meant to draw out a higher version of you. It is intended for your good. You have acres of raw diamonds inside of you. The greatest gift you have is you. You have no idea who you truly are just yet. You are amazing beyond belief. And when you discover what you were given, your whole world will change, including the people around you. God has planted so many beautiful things inside of you. Your talents, gifts, and abilities are waiting for the chance to grow and flourish. Those are the very things that will help you repair yourself and your family. You are meant for this exact time. Your struggles are here to develop your talents, gifts, and abilities. You are made in the image and likeness of the creator. Therefore you are meant to create. You were built for it. Remember this quote by Steve Bow: “God's gift to us is more talent and ability than we'll ever hope to use in our lifetime. Our gift to God is to develop as much of that talent and ability as we can in this lifetime.” Now let me help you with a few things you can do to “plant new seeds.”

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Repair Work 1. Allow yourself some time to feel and acknowledge your emotions, but control your actions. Make a list of your emotions. Read each one aloud. Set a timer and give yourself time to cry, scream, hurt, cuss or just vent. It’s ok, but you must keep moving. 2. Write out what you are feeling and thinking. Put either pen to paper or type out what you feel and think. Get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto paper. 3. Change what you give attention to. Give attention to the seeds you want to plant. Give attention to learning to develop your gifts, talents, and abilities by reading books and articles or attending courses and seminars. Hire a good personal development coach or get a mentor to help guide you. Where attention goes, energy flows. 4. Trust Prayer. Use this prayer when you can’t see past your pain. “Thank you for working it out, even though I don't see it now.” Keep these words on your lips until they are deeply planted in your heart; you will feel the change in you.

Resources Instagram: @Van_Eric_Jenkins FaceBook: Van Jenkins

Plant New Seeds

Chapter 11

Ambition Over Adversity By: Brad Muhammad

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

BRAD MUHAMMAD

“One of the most powerful tools a man can have is the willpower to meet and overcome all obstacles in his path of life.” Born and raised in St. Petersburg, FL, Brad Muhammad is married and the father of three. From his commitment to community service to playing professional football in the Canadian Football League, he has flourished into a leader. He is also a member of the Nation of Islam. Brad Muhammad is quite an inspiration and has lit a trail for the youth behind him. He is a trendsetter equipped and determined to succeed in life.

Ambition Over Adversity

can smell it now, fresh-cut grass in July! That scent to me was the best reminder that football season was finally here! It's time to harass my mother about registration. The hype was real; it seemed like football was the only topic my friends and I discussed in school around this time. What team would we represent this year? Although the parents usually decide, it was typically based on the team nearest you. But knowing which team my friends were leaning towards was enough motivation to persuade my parents to pick the team I wanted to play. I mean, back then, I didn’t think our parents understood the importance of that decision. The right decision would set up great memories of team sleepovers, traveling with friends to games, playoff runs, etc. Those experiences played a significant role in developing the friendships that I still have today. I remember walking into school Friday mornings, the day before the game, wearing my team jersey showing off my single-digit number, which meant a lot. My teammates and I showed our spirit, reassuring our classmates that we were the superior team and would win the following day. These experiences and memories helped cultivate my love for football. As I matured, my love for the sport grew. My skills began to sharpen as I found confidence in my style of play. I began excelling in leadership roles, making dynamic plays in clutch situations. I gained the respect of my peers and the adults as I started making a name for myself throughout the community. It wasn't long before I was seen as one who may have a bright future ahead of me in the profession. I can genuinely say that it was all love, and I loved every moment of it - the competitive atmosphere, the camaraderie of teammates, and the support of families and fans. I vividly remember us eating fried chicken wings with the crunchiest French fries, then shortly after, we would run through the sporting complex playing “Kill the Carrier” or tag football with a plastic bottle. That was a typical Saturday 76

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evening at Little League football games in St. Pete. Periodically, we would tune in to see how the older division games turned out. I was living in and loving the moment. Although football became a center of joy and fun for me, there was a constant reminder that a football career was not promised. I remember one day after practice, my coach made the whole team huddle up and take a knee. He wanted to speak with us about a serious matter, and he stated, “Football doesn’t last forever.” He began explaining how only a certain percentage of players make it to high school to play ball. He continued with the even smaller percentage of those who play college football. He ended with the discouraging percentage of those who make it to the Pros. I stood in the back with my helmet in my hand as I thought, “Yea, ok. We’ll see!” I knew I was destined to play in the NFL. I was so in tune with that vision that I could almost touch it. There was no turning back. As I became older, the pressures began to grow. As I began to take on more responsibilities, I quickly realized how difficult it could be to survive in this world with limited resources. There was a definite lack of resources in my community, but we made it work. It wasn't always bad, but there were times when we had to endure struggle. During those tough times, I would sit back and visualize how to change my situation. I’ve always considered myself very intelligent, and it was clear as day for me. When I looked around, the athletes were the ones who could reach the path of success the fastest. The athlete had the necessary resources to navigate and create a better future while having fun. Believe it or not, for the black athlete, playing professional football is seen as a form of reparations. Changing my life and family’s life became my number one priority. I used the tough times I experienced to fuel my dedication to stay focused and out of trouble along the way. One of my teammates in high school had a connection setup where we could get our first tattoo. Of course, I had to get permission, so I called my mother to ask her. At first, she gave a definite “No!” but I have my tactics for getting approval. I went in with the intent of getting just a simple name tattoo, but I ended up getting the phrase “Ambition Over Adversity.” Great slogan, right? Boy, can’t I pick them? Over the years, family members and friends began to take notice of my focus on the game. Some began to encourage me, while some taught me lessons that aided me as my journey continued. Graduating from high school was a huge accomplishment, while many in my family didn't have that opportunity. I was proud to take that step. I also was able to play football for Florida International University as a preferred Ambition Over Adversity

walk-on. Don't get me wrong, I’m very excited about it, but yes, “Preferred Walk-On.’’ I firmly believed that I had the talent to play at any school, but FIU was the school to give me a chance. I was blessed and grateful to be in the position to play college football, but I wasn't satisfied. I knew the bulk of my work was in front of me. At that moment, I embodied the underdog mentality. As weeks passed, I began preparing to head to Miami and start my college career. My grandmother reached out to me one morning before I left to ask if I had the time to come by. When I made it to her house, she met me with love and pride, but I could tell she had something on her mind. As I sat down in the living room, she began to stare at me from the top of her glasses. She told me she heard something, and it was imperative we talked. She began to speak with me about her experiences. She gave examples of how I could navigate situations to succeed in life. It was a strong suit of hers. She began talking about “ The window of opportunity.” She continued, “as an opportunity presents itself, the margin of error can be a sizeable one. And before you know it, that window will begin to close. It will get tougher and more challenging to complete goals as time passes by.” She expressed her love. I gave her a hug and kiss and said, “Thank you, Grandma. I love you.” As I made my way to the door, I heard, “Wait, your grandfather has something he wants to tell you!” Making an immediate halt with my next step, I turned around and sat back down. My grandfather finished wrapping up the latest project he was working on around the house and made his way to the living room. He greeted me with love and expressed how he wanted to talk to me about my journey. His message was similar but different. He emphasized how crucial the next four years of my life would be. How it will set up the rest of my life, and how easy it could be to set myself back in life. My grandfather's message usually isn't as long but very impactful. I expressed my love, gave him the biggest hug, and walked to the car in good spirits. At this moment, I was ready for the world! When I arrived at the college campus, I was instantly successful. I began to show the program what type of player I was. I became the camp standout with maybe two or three others! I had arrived! I made the travel squad week one of the season! That's right; the “Walk-On '' became an addition to the chip that was on my shoulder. I even had the opportunity to play in the first game, which is a huge accomplishment. Everything was going as planned. As the season went on, I became a significant contributor to the team's success. Then the unthinkable happened. 78

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Shortly after being promoted to a starter on the team, I overslept and could not play against Louisville that weekend. It was the most significant setback I faced to date. I was then removed from the football team. I was appalled, devastated, and struck by disbelief. Not only did I feel an instant disconnect with the future I envisioned my whole life, but the means I needed to be successful seemed out of my reach. I tried scheduling meetings with the coach to get back on the team. He always stayed firm with his decision. “Come meet with me at the end of the semester,” he would say. This was my first experience with depression. I suddenly felt utterly alone. I couldn't come to terms with the decision. I knew there had to be a way, any way that would make my coach change his mind. I was sadly mistaken. I became an example. I couldn't believe it! The coach was new to the program and having a down year. Usually, when these situations occur, the coach must control the team and turn things around. Oversleeping the week of a big game can put a player's accountability in question. The coach made that point loud and clear. My teammates couldn’t believe what had just transpired. Some were shocked by the coach's decision. Typically punishment was a day with the strength and conditioning coach, and that got the job done for sure. Nonetheless, it was a road I had to take alone. I can remember the nights I stayed up wondering how I could make such a decision that would keep me from everything I wanted. I faced many emotions and thoughts during the days, weeks, and months following my removal from the team. I felt like I was walking around campus with the scarlet letter “F” for failure. I’ve folded under the opportunity. I let so many people down that believed in me. Hell, I let myself down. I cast the world out and failed to face reality. I choose to busy myself to ease the sorrow. I focused on any activity I could find to shift my attention to make the time go by until the nightmare was over. As time continued to tick, I watched my precious timeline to my success slip from my grip. My whole plan began to crumble. It just couldn't be real. I couldn't succumb to the example they were trying to make of me. I was determined to take my life back, one way or another. Although it seemed like there was no way out of this misery, with the help of God, I knew this too shall pass. The words of my grandmother and grandfather could not be more clear to me at this moment. I knew enough was enough, and it was time for me to gather up enough WillPower to change my current situation. My window of opportunity was almost closed. I began attending team training camps to watch and stay in the loop. It felt good to be around the sport and to keep my mind sharp. Besides, this became the only way to keep up with the learning Ambition Over Adversity

curve. I would see the coach at the practices. I was sure my teammates who noticed my presence would acknowledge me. Unfortunately, the coach’s cold shoulder became even colder. I couldn’t let that energy deter me. I tried to schedule meetings with the coach to talk things over and see if there was any slight chance of rejoining the team. That eventually turned into another letdown. I felt as if I was walking down a dark hallway leading to a distant door, but I had to find the key because my destiny was waiting through that door. Then I realized there was no key, only a gatekeeper controlling who enters and who doesn’t. So I had to play my cards right! This, too, shall pass. As the tough times grew, my spirit began to weaken even more. I fell to my knees again, but I did not ask for anything this time. I knelt in complete repentance for my part in putting myself in this situation. I asked for forgiveness for getting kicked off the team and letting myself fall into a depression. That's when the relentless grind began. I knew I would come back; I just had to make the decision. I had to look forward. Anything I could do to will my future back to me, I was game! Countless workouts and dedication to raising my GPA were my constant focus. After a couple of years passed, the coach was fired, and in came Butch Davis, a legendary coach who had a hand in the University of Miami’s success. I remember my family’s excitement when we saw the news of Coach Davis’s hiring. This new coach was my opportunity to get back on track. We scheduled a meeting with Coach Davis, explained to him the situation I faced during my time at FIU and assured him I would be more than dedicated to showing him I deserved another opportunity. He granted me one last chance. And I never looked back. I knew God heard my cries and created a route for me when there wasn't one I could see. The Scarlet letter was removed from my presence. I was humbled. With only one year of college football left in front of me, I had no choice but to take my future back; it was my last chance to do so. And that's precisely what I did. With not one off-season workout program, my body could still compete at an elite level. I had another great training camp. This time around, the term “walk-on” did not describe me. I received a full scholarship at the University of Florida International. I had a standout season with the opportunity to start after week four. I was able to achieve 2nd team All-Conference. I left it all on the field with five interceptions and eight pass breakups that season. It was a great success but just the beginning to get back on track. I regained control over my life.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Throughout my journey, there were several lessons that I had to learn thoroughly to get myself out of the situation I faced. If I wanted to change my life, I needed to understand that the present moment was special. I should take full advantage of whatever situation I face before the window of opportunity closes because it may never open again. The second lesson that was very important in my growth was understanding the power of prayer! I believe that our Spiritual Father can uplift us during our lowest times. Channeling power through prayer can often be overlooked. Finally, I learned that I could manifest the life I choose to take responsibility for my actions. My willingness to change my behaviors for the desired outcome is the key to it all. Though I’m still young, I’ve faced numerous obstacles in my life. Sometimes I find myself looking back, wondering what kept me focused on the goal during the most challenging times of my journey. In all honesty, it has always been the reward! To obtain anything of value, you will have to face adversity. That adversity can be a huge nuisance to your peace at the moment, but trust that it will cultivate the best version of yourself. Facing your difficulty headon will reinforce your ability to pull through any subsequent trials you face.

Ambition Over Adversity

Repair Work 1. Lean on God as your source of strength. Commit and schedule a set time to pray every day. Offer yourself and completely submit to the Father. It will help with anxiety and stress. The battle is not yours; it is the Lord’s. Seriously! Prayer helps with mental clarity giving you the brain space to create and focus on the problems you face. 2. Learn and grow from the lessons in your life. Sit and think over what caused a turn of events in your life. Write the details of how your actions contributed to the situation. Decide and write how you want to change the situation. Hold yourself accountable for making the necessary changes. List the essential steps to move forward. 3. Each One, Teach One. There's power in mentorship. Don't be afraid to tell your story. Find a program and commit yourself as a mentor. It takes a village to raise a child.

Resources My Social Media: @bcoool_

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Chapter 12

The Power of Awareness By: Colson Maturine

The Power of Awareness

COLSON MATURINE

“The only time something becomes impossible is when we lack the courage to challenge it.” Colson Maturine is a husband to Paula and father of three. He is an aviation security officer from the Caribbean Islands of Grenada, where he currently lives. He grew up as the middle child of three siblings and considered his left-handedness unique. Colson and his siblings share a special relationship and engage in outdoor activities like camping and hiking. Colson enjoys spending time with his extended family and considers it a big deal. He spends every Sunday afternoon at his grandmother’s house sharing memories, preparing food outdoors like roasted breadfruit, and playing cricket or other yard games. Writing has been an essential part of his life for as long as he can remember. Understanding the power of the pen, he focuses on writing material that will uplift people rather than tear them down. He has penned several poems, including ‘Grandpa, Daddy,’ ‘Dear Parents' and ‘Justice.’ His poems address a range of issues such as incest, parental negligence, and social inequalities. Colson is a staunch advocate for the voiceless, and his mission is to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. He is committed to using his writing to inspire and influence positive change in others. Although he has been diagnosed with dystrophy, an eye condition, Colson manages to push beyond this challenge to share his thoughts with the world.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

The Power of Awareness

y awareness that the black family needed repair began when I realized the widespread brokenness among people of African descent. People who were miles away from the land they should have known as home. I imagined a people standing on the shores of the land of their captivity, no longer suffering the pains of transgenerational bondage. Without a doubt, our physical freedom was a gift wrapped in our mental imprisonment. Those who have gone before us were not yet mentally free. I asked myself, “Who were they, where did they originate, and before the nightmare of slavery, what was their story?” This experience must have created bewilderment, unrest, distrust, and a broken self-image. Like many of us of African descent, awareness of my exposure to racism and transgenerational trauma began with deceit. My vivid imagination deceived me as I embarked on a troublesome journey as a child. In the Bible, throughout difficulty, the children of Israel remained as a nation and were in bondage for four hundred years. They also had land in which to return. However, the people of African descent who were exploited during the transatlantic slave trade cannot say the same. My walk along this journey began after I became aware. I also noticed the misdirected purpose of the black male, which began during slavery. Using black males as studs only fostered a lack of loyalty and relational instability. In the Grenadian context, we know of men with more than twenty-six children by different mothers, perpetuating that “all men are dogs.” While this blanket statement is not true of all black males, the issue remains prevalent. Considering this, I make it my duty to hold myself accountable for my actions. Having become aware of the origins of our familial breakdown, I chose to be a part of the solution. Blaming our historical context is unacceptable. We should highlight and celebrate living progressive lives. For example, being forced to steal when we have the power to choose, we must decide to steal The Power of Awareness

no more. Historically, within the Grenadian context, people of color were not allowed to hold jobs that were considered prestigious such as bank tellers. Jobs were scarce, and impartiality went to people with light skin. Negative self-esteem and being of color seemed to coincide, and children of African descent continued to learn low self-esteem. In retrospect, I’ve always considered the ways our children addressed the insecurities inherited from our forefathers. To escape the captivity that was handed to us unintentionally, what could we have done? First of all, it would have been beneficial to fully understand there was nothing wrong with the color of our skin. Our ancestors faced the whip, and many cases of abuse, at the hands of their white slave-masters; unfortunately, this did not empower them to value self. They convinced us that ethnicity could have justified their abuse and injustices. Simply put, to be African was to be less than human. It would have been helpful for us to know that the inferiority imposed on us was artificial. It existed mentally because the slave owners used their dominance to indoctrinate our ancestors wrongfully. As we grew older and more empowered, we wished we knew it was a lie all along. Fortunately, my mother did a fantastic job validating my siblings and me. I grew up knowing my physical features did not determine my self-worth because my mom always read family-life books to us. As a young boy, I always had noticeable gray hairs on my head, even into my teenage years. As a result, my classmates teased me and tried their best to embarrass me about something I had no control over. They referred to me as ‘Salt and Pepper’ and ‘Grandpa’; their attempts were futile. Because my mother planted seeds, those seeds took root and grew into a beautiful tree of positivity and sheltered me from negativity. Another event that could have derailed my life was when my father left our home during my high school years. These same positive seeds, planted by my mother, kept my self-esteem intact. She spared no effort to emphasize and re-emphasize that my father’s leaving was not my fault. In the spirit of awareness, I have now accepted that my attempts to repair my own family began with my mother’s attempts to rebuild her family. Although our family was not perfect, we were encouraged to embrace the positives and leave the negatives behind. My father’s absence in the home gave me an example of something I knew I could not repeat. I count it as my duty to break the cycle of family separation originating from slavery. At present, I have a fully functioning family, even with all the challenges typical families endure. Getting over these hurdles is accomplished by 86

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putting God first, discussing issues before making decisions, and creating an environment to listen and be heard. My strength and my wife’s tenderness provide a unique balance. We operate with the firm belief that staying together is our only option. This belief allows healthy communication and creates an environment where the children can approach us without worry. A combative attitude is prevalent among black families. When I consider the historical context in light of my upbringing, I appreciate my mother’s effort to maintain peace. This is significant to our family and the generations that come after us. Peace has become a matter of maintenance in our family because we understand this protects against costly repair. We provide each other with trust by not violating what we value. Even though we do not agree on everything, we compromise when necessary and support each other. If we are honest, no blueprint or specific model works for everyone. The experiences gained through trial and error are invaluable. Obstacles and problems should serve as opportunities to change and grow in response to those experiences. Building strength and becoming knowledgeable is part of our resilience, and being honest with yourself and others should be paramount. I now realize that taking care of my mental health is critical to executing my familial responsibilities. The transgenerational pressures that we face and the false strength that men shouldn’t show emotions are a deadly combination. I make it my duty to look after my mental health to remain effective. I also encourage my family to engage in activities that help them destress and enjoy peace of mind. It has become clear that failure to do this only contributes to further breakdown and discord within the family that we diligently seek to hold together. As such, I endeavor to avoid attitudes and actions that are counterproductive and regressive. By all this, we know that the embattled black family needs saviors. My mission is to be one of them through our children and their children. As we continue to grow as a people, the actions mentioned above can be consciously incorporated into our daily lives. We have been forced to repeat destructive thoughts and behavioral patterns through coercion for centuries. Our only chance of eroding these ingrained patterns is to replace them with the complete opposite. Where we have been aggressive, we must employ assertion; where we have been doubtful and afraid, we must employ hope and assurance; where we lack confidence, we must begin to believe in ourselves. We owe this to all our ancestors: those who gave in without rebelling, those who rebelled and died for it, and those who fought for added freedoms when we were only physically free and nothing more. Overcoming The Power of Awareness

the lasting effects of the transatlantic slave trade requires a renewal of the mind. This renewal must come from a change in our focus. We understand the root of the trauma that we have inherited, but we must not continue to view the world through this lens. Habitually visualizing the achievement of our goals will unlock unlimited potential. It isn’t easy to travel to a physical place we have not envisioned. Overcoming requires less emphasis on what was done to us and a greater emphasis on what we can do for ourselves. I deem it beneficial to understand that our kinship does not doom us to low achievement. This limiting belief has been and continues to be perpetuated by the mass coverage of success and high standards of living among other races. This only encourages negative social comparisons and a sense of hopelessness. What if we knew that we were equal based on our humanity? What if we knew that believing in ourselves would drastically change our outcomes? Imagine if we knew that one of the major things standing in our way was a handed-down lack of confidence. Undoubtedly, experiencing empowerment is based mainly on becoming aware of the lies we’ve been told and allowing newfound truths to guide our actions. Finally, understanding our inability to confront our challenges did not necessarily reflect a disability, but it would set us free to achieve more incredible things. Unfortunately, low achievement was accepted for many of us due to limited awareness of our ability to do better. In retrospect, we can pinpoint the opportunities we let slip away because we were afraid or felt like we were not good enough. Thankfully, we are not doomed to accept whatever our environment hands us. We are agents of change with the inborn power to adjust our circumstances. Fortunately, we were never physically enslaved. However, our ancestors were enslaved in a condition that disrupted their lives and drastically displaced them. Being held against their will, they had no choice but to comply. We can make them proud by using the freedom they never had to do the great things that they could not do. Their afro-spiritual songs give us a snapshot of their longing for a life without chains. Perhaps many of them accepted their fate and daydreamed of life beyond slavery, the life that we now live. What if they desired the togetherness they once knew in their homeland? Their dreams of progress and togetherness can be realized through a firm belief in ourselves, the value we place on our freedom, and the value we place on each other. We must begin to appreciate the value of empathy, although our grandparents and parents ignorantly transmitted the transgenerational trauma they inherited. First, it is critical to acknowledge that they attempted 88

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to show love based on the love shown to them. Minus the empowerment we now enjoy, we may have also perpetuated this crisis. As a result, it is critical to avoid taking the valuable lessons they taught us for granted while understanding the source of their shortcomings. Ultimately, we overcome by healing and breaking the cycle. We do not only overcome for ourselves, but we overcome for the generations we influence. The best-case scenario would be trending towards ongoing transgenerational empowerment.

The Power of Awareness

Repair Work 1. Launch an ongoing campaign to repair widespread brokenness among black families via consistent, positive approaches. The campaign can be presented through social media platforms, radio, and television. Combat the typical negative messages that flood the media with a steady flow of targeted personal development programs. Initiate discussions on who we are as a people, make posts highlighting our ancestral heritage, and offer presentations highlighting pitfalls and strategies to overcome them. For example, the clash between the young and older male can be linked to our bitter past, followed by remedial approaches to end this vicious cycle. This can involve talks on how to express our displeasure assertively without relying on aggression. Work to reach at-risk parents through ongoing outreach programs. 2. Practice parental openness as a critical component of influencing positive changes in the lives of children. Maintaining an open communication line with your children makes discussions easier. Discuss your challenges with them. When children recognize that their parents are also human beings, they tend to be more receptive. Be genuine with your children without hiding behind the mask of parenthood. 3. Deliberatively choose cordial communication over perpetuating a combative attitude towards each other. Choose to address your family with kind and loving words, even if there is a shortcoming. Deliberately attempt to teach restraint and model healthy communication. Teach togetherness and inclusion as fundamental cultural ideals.

Resources My Social Media: Colson Maturine

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Chapter 13

Finding Purpose Through Peace By: Tequella Muhammad

Finding Purpose Through Peace

TEQUELLA MUHAMMAD

“Balancing Life through focus and intention.”

A self-published author, Tequella Muhammad, recently published her first children’s book, Disaster Readiness for Children: When Surviving Isn’t a Choice. This self-help book aims to empower children to discover their inner strength and rise from the pits of despair. As a child, Tequella could be seen holding a pen and paper, writing about any and everything that came to mind. Little did she know that this was the beginning of her journey to become a renowned author and content creator. Tequella is a certified member of the Community Emergency Response Team and is a disaster preparedness advocate for Atlanta, GA, and its surrounding areas. She inspires and uplifts others by addressing topics concerning the community. This hyper-creative writer holds certifications in early childhood education and business management and is passionate about being and making a change in the world. As an entrepreneur and blog writer, Tequella is a valuable contributor to community services and events as the CEO and founder of ArkSurvival Surplus, a disaster readiness company. An avid writer, she has published two articles in Virtue Magazine and has an additional publication in Atlanta, GA’s Rise Magazine. Along with writing, she enjoys reading and spending quality time with her husband and seven children during her free time.

Repair Of The Black Family Anthology

Finding Purpose Through Peace

“You can be in the midst of confusion and be at peace if you can keep your focus.” -The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan

ocus means ‘the center of interest or activity or the state or quality of having or producing clear visual definition.’

The above quote by The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan has stayed in my mind since reading it on Twitter. These words instantly resonated through my soul as I recalled moments of confusion and, at times, pure insanity. I had no clue what focus was. The phrase “stop and smell the roses” was a foreign saying in my life. There seemed to be no time to relax and enjoy life, let alone sniff roses. Ever since I was 15, I’ve believed that nothing comes to you without hard work, and you must keep working hard until the wheels fall off and roll at least 10 feet away. All I knew back then was to work hard. I tried to get as many things done as possible in the shortest amount of time. My mind told me I needed to keep going! I lived on autopilot, intentional self-distractions, and insanity. Even on my so-called rest days, all I knew was to get up and work, clean, cook, codependency, more insanity, work, work, overwork, and more work. How could I focus amid confusion? How could I have peace when bills were due, things needed to be done, and toxic individuals were in my life? In what world could you focus while parenting alone most times? I frequently asked myself these questions and took just a moment to contemplate what was causing my distractions. As I scrolled Facebook and Instagram, I saw others enjoying their lives, and I desperately craved the same peace that seemed apparent. I knew it would take significant intervention to bring that peace into my life, but I didn’t know how it would come. My walk toward repairing myself and the black family began when Finding Purpose Through Peace

I decided that change would come through this Black woman - me. As a Black woman, the excuses had to stop with me to see a real difference. I shared my story on social media in 2017, and that’s when I started to bridge the gap of emotional vulnerability, transparency, testimony, and humility. I started opening up more about my journey, the struggles of divorce and single parenting, the fears, the insecurities, and the habit of taking people’s opinions to heart. I learned that many women and men were experiencing similar things in their lives, and my story inspired them. A year later, I sat in tears at an event as Sister Nayyirah Muhammad spoke, describing how she achieved the state of CLEAR using Dianetics. She explained how this state aids and helps rid the destructive patterns of a person who perceives or reacts without thinking things through. I listened as she explained how she overcame adversity through her triumph from abuse and divorce and how she is now free to live the life she desires. Listening to her journey has helped me and others to free ourselves from the ropes of despair and begin to live the way God intended for us to live. Like many people who have decided to create change, I evaluated my habits and behaviors and began to question who and what I was. I feverishly researched self-help books and searched the internet for answers. I started to see images of myself all around me. My flaws and shortcomings appeared to ooze from my pores, and I began to realize just how much I needed to heal. I called out to Allah (God) and sought nearness to Him in ways I had never done before. I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. I was done with the old me. I was fed up with everything about my current situation, and I knew that something in my life had to change. I struggled to balance self, motherhood, my faith, and lack of discipline. This phase in my life was the beginning of a metamorphosis into the spiritual realm of Mindfulness. Allah was purifying me. I was unaware that Allah was breaking me down and humbling me to a mere speck of unrecognizable matter, just like a caterpillar in a cocoon. I became unrecognizable as that same person I once saw in myself. There was a strength about my spirit that humility and focus gave. The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan mentioned in the self-improvement study guide 15, The Characteristics of Humility The Basis for Community Development, that “the only way to gain a true perspective on oneself is through a proper relationship with Allah (God). In that relationship, He is the Center, and He is to whom sincere obedience is due. Without that relationship, we will see ourselves out of focus; we will see ourselves bigger than we actually are.” I was finally at a place where humility and focus were allowing me to tune into 94

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the voice of Allah and see myself AS I REALLY WAS. He began to restore the parts of me that were lost. I recall writing on my social media journal in 2018: Seven months ago…. I was standing in my empty living room, breaking down in tears, and crying hysterically like a baby. I was in so much emotional distress. I was a broken woman, a single mother of six children, divorced from the father of my children. It felt as though I had failed them and myself. I felt alone at that moment like nobody cared or would quite understand. I felt everything was falling apart. I felt I always had to be strong and I could not be strong at that moment. It seemed like nobody really understood what I had on my plate, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I was in the process of selling my home and relocating to another state. Usually, I am a jovial person all the time, and I am always found grinning from ear to ear. I do not think I cracked a smile all that week. If I did, I wasn't in “Present time”. I was deep in thought, and I tended to over rationalize frequently. I was screaming to Allah, not in anger but in trepidation, to help me get through the pain. I had stopped working my 2 jobs because I couldn’t find reliable child care. I was trying to manage bills. I was so overwhelmed that my mom suggested I just move to Atlanta. I did not want to move, and I was not ready to sell my home, but that pain was real, and so was my stress. I felt like I was failing as a mother because I could not stay focused, so I stayed busy to keep myself from dealing with my true reality. Shortly after this post, I took an unscheduled sabbatical. Unable to eat, I was emotionally unavailable for my children. For nearly a week, I stayed in my room with my Holy Qur’an, study guides, and sage. The only thing that gave me peace was Allah (God) and His words. After intense studying, reading, and praying, Allah spoke to me, and His words comforted my soul and eased my affairs. Allah showed me how He could deliver us from distress by removing persons, places, or things that no longer serve His purpose. We may hold these things near and dear to us; however, Allah wants us to rely on Him for ALL our needs. Allah is setting us up for exactly those times we need Him the most. During this transitional period in my life, I was married to a man that we’ll call Mr. VIPEROUS. He was a charming man who caused irreparable damage to my soul by poisoning my perception of myself as well as warping my ability to reason. He would use manipulation tactics, narcissism, love Finding Purpose Through Peace

bombing “(which was lavishing me with material things, affection, and attention to manipulate me as well as lying while spewing venom to others to gain more victims and continue the vicious cycle).” He was also very intimidating and physically and emotionally abusive. I experienced what some would “perceive” to be a typical marriage, although it was far from the norm deep in my mind. People encouraged me with relationship advice, stating that it must not be real if there isn’t drama. Some insisted that this man truly loved me, while others even said, ‘the abuse was my fault’ and that I asked too much from him. I recognize now; my marriage was full of toxic codependency, physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, infidelity, and many self-inflicted problems. I was in this destructive estranged marriage with this man who did not love himself. He demonstrated this daily through his abuse of drugs and alcohol, abuse of his wife, and the pain he was causing his children. I was living an illusion and realized that I did not love myself. I should have never married him in the first place. We met when I was 21, and I was instantly fascinated with his charisma. I didn’t know at the time, but unresolved childhood trauma allowed me to become addicted to the toxicity of intimacy, abuse, and emotional pain. It was an emotional rollercoaster that I didn’t know how to get off. Whenever I thought I was strong enough to walk away, I would get pulled back in like a yo-yo. He was my biggest challenge, and I still can’t understand how I ended there. I have been strong and capable of walking away from anything and anyone who didn’t serve my best interest for most of my life. This situation was different. We shared children, a home, and years on paper. Looking back, I see what we didn’t share was love. I remember objects flying at full speed, hitting anything in their path, leaving cracks and holes in the walls. I remember constant yelling, slammed doors, locked doors, and me and the children hiding in rooms, scared of the sound of fists hitting walls, which would eventually send me into a silent prayerful frenzy, feelings of fear deep within. I recall a news story of a woman whose husband murdered her in a domestic dispute during this time. He then turned the gun on himself. This woman and I were the same age and both with several children. The only ones who lost were those babies and their families. This was a sure sign that I desperately needed to leave this man who could cause the same fate. After being physically attacked for the last and final time, I declared, never again will I allow myself to be abused by anyone, including me. I woke from a living nightmare with an epiphany. I realized I didn’t love myself; my boundaries were skewed, I had no self-discipline, I could not focus on one task with my undivided attention. Multitasking was my best 96

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friend, and I needed a solid spiritual life. I had to fix myself. Before building relationships with others, I decided to start over and learn to understand myself first. I distanced myself from everyone, and I began studying myself by writing down what I did daily from moment to moment. I started learning how often a negative thought went through my mind, how I entertained it and allowed it to affect me. I began to study my emotions, especially when things seemed off and how I reacted. I paid attention to my words and looked at how I viewed myself. I learned what trust was and how to trust my judgment. I knew that the power was wholly mine to remove myself at any time from any situation I put myself into. If someone isn’t treating me the way I want to be treated, I have permission to leave. I learned to focus on the present moment and my current needs by tuning into myself and my surroundings. I attract what I am, and I can only allow someone to abuse me if I am somehow abusive to myself. If I allowed myself to be treated in such a way, my love of self would be somehow distorted. Focus means the act of concentrating your mind on an activity or interest. It requires you to be in the now or what is called “present time.” I learned that I must eliminate all excuses and distractions and decide to stick to what I set my mind to. It is important not to deceive my mind into negative thinking patterns or stagnation caused by over-analysis. I must stay focused. I applaud you for recreating yourself from emotional wounds, childhood trauma, neglect, and pain, to be able to start living the life you desire and deserve. You ARE the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON to YOU, and never forget that.

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Repair Work 1. Devote time to pray and build a solid spiritual foundation. Set a scheduled time each day for prayer and commit to it without fail. Devote time to the study of God’s word, making sure you know He is to strengthen your connection with Him. Listen to spiritual leaders that you can relate to. 2.

Have boundaries and learn to say no while reinventing your self-worth. Affirm your own greatness and practice daily ridding yourself of negative thoughts. Look in the mirror each day and declare your greatness and worth. Practice saying “No,” to things that you don’t want to do, people you don’t want around or things that don’t honor you. Take time for yourself. Get up early to pray, meditate, then listen to positive affirmations. Feed your body the best foods and sleep in the best comfort your money can afford. Now that does not mean spending money on high-dollar items. It means spending money on quality and comfort: purchase quality bed sheets, pillows, and well-fitting shoes. Exercise, drink pure water, sit in nature and do something daily to feed the mind. Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings at every turn. Make sure you know why you do what you do. Write down your ideas, goals, and accomplishments to visibly see them on paper.

3. Focus on the present moment and live life with intention and purpose. Being in the present moment means using all your senses keenly. We know the mind records everything even while we sleep, so everything we do should have purpose and meaning. Focus on your feelings and intentions: breathe deeply, smell everything and listen to the sounds around you. Close your eyes and envision that powerful moment. Be able to go back and recall past happy moments and make new meaningful memories. Trust your intuition, watch mannerisms and emotions and how you are affected, pay attention to the tone of voice of those around you. When something doesn’t feel right, learn to acknowledge your feelings and make intentional decisions. Wake up early for prayer daily. After prayer, create a to-do list with 20 items, circle the top five of those items, and list them as priorities. List two of the remaining 15 items as second priority and make a conscious decision to live with focus and accomplish daily tasks. It feels so good being able to set a goal and achieve it.

Resources My Website: www.arksurvivalsurplus.com My Social Media: @Divinebynature1

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Chapter 14

Son-Shine By: Ynissa Colons

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YNISSA COLON

“Grief is a natural reaction. To miss those we love is human, but when you become consumed, that is when it becomes unhealthy.” Ynissa Colon was born in Massachusetts but has lived her whole life in Pinellas County, Florida. She is a proud bilingual Puerto Rican. Raised by a single mom, she learned to work hard. Ynissa is the youngest of three girls. Her greatest accomplishment is being the mother of three sons. Her sons give her unconditional love, and they are the only human beings who know what her heartbeat sounds like from the inside. She attended school for Physiology but had to put those dreams on hold when she became a mother at 18. Her career as a retail manager began but ended in a short span of three years. She switched her focus and entered corporate America in the auto insurance industry and stayed there for almost five years. Her next job was in an auto body shop allowed her to provide more for her family, but she still was not happy. Ynissa is now a budding entrepreneur. She is the proud business owner of Ravishing Stationery LLC, a company she created to provide products to organize your life and encourage self-reflection and release along your healing journey. Her mission is to help those experiencing loss to overcome grief.

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pril 2020 was one of the three happiest moments of my life. I found out I was expecting a baby, I was overjoyed. I had two sons at the time, one ten and the other seven years old. Deep down, I wanted a little girl, a mini-me. I longed for someone I could play dress-up with and who would be exactly like me. My boys are from a previous relationship, so our baby was my partner's first child. He was so good with my children, and I was excited to experience this pregnancy with him. Thursday, before the gender-reveal party, I had a doctor’s appointment to find out the sex of the baby, FINALLY. I left work early to ensure I would be on time. Due to CoVid restrictions, my partner could not accompany me. He was only allowed to come to the first visit. After signing in, I saw my ultrasound technician and immediately reminded her we were sealing the gender. But of course, we still wanted to see the baby. I began making small talk with the technician and noticed she was not responding. I questioned if everything was ok, and at that very moment, my whole life changed. She asked me to open my eyes and said, “I’m sorry, but your baby is no longer with us.” I looked at the screen and instantly noticed it was all gray. She kept saying how sorry she was but did not offer much information. Finally, a doctor I had never seen before entered the room to explain what was happening. I screamed and sat alone and cried for what felt like forever. My partner was at work, and I was in this doctor's office dealing with this bad news. When I finally reached him, he knew something was wrong. I could not believe it was true. We were about to celebrate our baby in two days; the pain I felt was unbearable. I cried all the way home. We arrived at the same time; I fell in his arms and cried some more.

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The following day, I went to the doctor's office and was seen by a different technician, and she explained what I did not want to hear. She confirmed my baby had passed somewhere around the 17-week mark. It was now 20 weeks. I had no warning signs, no bleeding, leaking of fluids, or pain. I left the doctor's office, crying, unsure of my next steps because it was just too hard. Later that day, I called the doctor's office to tell them I had decided to have my baby naturally. The doctor scheduled an appointment for Sunday at 8 am. The first nurse to care for me made me feel safe. I gave birth on August 9th at 9:04 pm. They told me I was carrying a little boy. The nurse asked whether I wanted to hold the baby. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid I would never be able to let him go. Finally, before leaving the hospital, I decided to spend time with him. I told him how much we loved him and that he would always be with his dad and me. We even face-timed his grandma. I left the hospital that night feeling empty. I left the hospital with a box instead of my son wrapped in my arms—a box with his bracelets, birth information, his little hat, and his diaper. Everyone has experienced grief in some form. The definition of grief is deep sorrow, primarily caused by someone's death—a natural reaction to loss. The loss of my son is one of the hardest experiences I have endured. It has also been the thing that has changed me the most. I see life through a different lens now. I created Ravishing Stationery LLC a few days after my son's first anniversary. Looking back on last year, I no longer feel empty. I feel full of wisdom, faith, love, and all things good. When I released him, I saw a life full of opportunities. I felt peace for us both. I’ve learned that grief can come at any time, but I no longer mourn when it comes. I celebrate and speak words of affirmations to my baby. I have long talks with him when those days get hard. I move on purpose now because of him. He shifted my whole being, and my baby brought out the best in me. If you feel lost and consumed by grief, no matter what you do or how you try to shake it, find someone to help. Grief doesn't have to be the end. You can still have brighter days if you look deep inside yourself and find your life’s purpose.

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Repair Work 1. Find your Tribe. Find a strong support group and become an active participant. 2. Find yourself a calming place. Identify a place where you can be calm and at peace. Think happy thoughts of your loved one in this space. 3. Release your Thoughts. Start journaling. Schedule a time to write how you feel, both good and bad. Congratulate yourself for how far you’ve come.

Resources LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/RavishingStationery

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Chapter 15

Pregnant With Possibilities: A Dream Worth Birthing By: Vera Giles Norris

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VERA GILES NORRIS

“You're just one person away, one decision away from your biggest breakthrough; keep pushing.”

Vera Giles Norris is a dynamic women’s empowerment coach, professional speaker, best-selling author, and host of a National Award Winning Podcast, “The KATS Out Show.” As an advocate for women's empowerment, Vera is fueled by her passion for inspiring and uplifting women to improve their circumstances and create a better future for themselves by breaking through their glass ceilings and reaching higher heights. Vera runs the private Facebook group: “Missing Please Come Home Global Alert,” with more than 20 thousand members in over 47 countries. She focuses on bringing awareness to the plight of missing women and children, domestic violence, bullying, and sex trafficking. A former teen mother, now married for more than 18 years, gives Vera a unique perspective on the need for women to have a strong support system to lean on in times of need. Vera has five daughters and seven grandchildren and counting. She created the KATS Out Foundation, a nonprofit organization that provides a safe environment for women to celebrate each other's achievements and educate teens and the younger generation about missing person awareness, domestic violence, sex trafficking, and bullying. Women are the driving force behind The KATS (Kingdom All-Time Seekers) Out Foundation. Vera envisions a world where women join forces to network, support, and build each other up. Above all, her faith in God is her most significant motivation. To God be the Glory is her story. Pregnant With Possibilities: A Dream Worth Birthing

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Pregnant with possibilities: A dream worth birthing

It all happened so fast. I had my life all mapped out. I planned to graduate early from high school and begin looking at the colleges I could attend. My most significant decision was to decide whether to go away or attend a local college. I wondered if getting a degree in communications would land me a corporate job because I wanted to do great In life. I even had my husband mapped out. But now, my focus was on doing something to help my mom. I had stood by helpless for so long, and now I could finally do something to help her out of this rat race. I've seen her struggle all my life. I thought no more food stamps or medical cards, no more sleeping around in other folks’ homes or apartments with slumlords, and no more asking or using men for money. I’m determined to be the one to give my mom the help she needs. She was always on the run to provide for me most of the time, so if it was to be, it was up to me. I would make my mom proud. One morning as I got ready for school, I noticed something wasn't right. I wasn't feeling like my energetic, happy self. Something was indeed off. I couldn’t miss school, so I decided to go to the doctor's office after school. I had tests and perfect attendance on the line, and I looked forward to the end of the year award ceremony. I loved hearing my name called at the ceremony, and the perfect attendance award was one I received faithfully, so school came first. I went into the doctor's office, knowing something was going on with me. The doctor ran a few tests, with a pregnancy test being one of them. He sent me back to the waiting area to wait for my results. To my surprise, my mom walked in. She came to check on me because she was concerned. She also knew something was different. After 30 minutes, the doctor called me back into a private room. He looked into my 16-year-old eyes and said something that would 106

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change my life and the direction I had planned forever. The doctor said, “Vera, Sweetheart, you're pregnant.” My heart stopped. Everything went blank; everything went numb. I saw my life flash before my eyes. Everything changed for me. I asked myself, “How could this be? I only did it once! I didn’t even know what I was doing. It was pure peer pressure. God, I promise I won’t do it anymore; how can we make this go away! I’m a good girl, and I’m smart. I’m supposed to know better. I’m the one most likely to succeed in my family. What am I going to do now? I’m just 16. God, where are you? Are you listening to me, God? Is this a bad dream? God, please, please! Help me, Omg! Help me. Surely this can't be what You have for my life. I haven't even had an opportunity to enjoy life yet.“Not a baby. No, I can't do it! Please help me, God. I have plans. I'm going to college. I thought we were clear, God.” “I need to help my mom, and being pregnant, this Is not helping.” I felt like such a disappointment. I felt like such a loser. How could I be so bright but yet so dumb? “Vera, would you like us to tell your mother?” said the doctor. I was nervous, but I knew that if anybody was going to help me, it had to be my mom. The doctor called my mom into the private room and said,” Miss Ruthie, your daughter is pregnant.” My mom boldly declared, “No worries. Anything God brings us to, God can bring us through.” I had to keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible from that point on. The girls in my gym class started to notice, and the boys soon began to look at me differently. Finally, word got out,” Vera was pregnant,” now everybody knew. I had to face my peers because I became the elephant in the room. I was the hot topic and eventually had to go to TAP, a school for pregnant girls. I thanked God for schools like this because now I could see girls in my situation. We could share our stories and encourage each other. The next hurdle was family and friends. As we told some family members, the disappointment was even more personal. Some were bold enough to say, “ Vera, I'm so disappointed in you. How could you bring more hurt, more pain, and more pressure on your mom? Your mother was already struggling?” Well, that wasn't even the end of the story because by the time we went in for my fifth-month ultrasound, my doctor looked puzzled after listening to the heartbeat and said, “Wait a minute, something’s not right here. I hear the heartbeat of two babies.” He did additional testing and came back into the room with another doctor. Of course, I was worried. “My dear Vera, this must be your lucky day. Sweetheart, you're not just pregnant with one baby; Pregnant With Possibilities: A Dream Worth Birthing

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you're pregnant with two babies. You're having twins!” “What?” I exclaimed. He repeated himself, more loudly this time. "Not one baby, but two babies!” It was then that I knew God had a sense of humor. I would say I wanted to have twins, but I didn't mean at 16. I don’t have a job, and instead of easing pressure on my mom, I’m putting more pressure on her. She would never leave me to figure this out alone. On January 11, 2019, my mom died. I am so grateful for her life and that I never had to look outside my front door for an impactful mentor. Thank you, God, for my mother, Ruthie Marie Giles. To make a long story short, that was 35 years ago, and my mother and I never looked back. We mapped out our action plan, and God answered every prayer. My twins have become extraordinary ladies. They were honor students throughout their school years, and now both have earned master's degrees. I’ve been married for over 20 years and have five daughters and seven grandchildren. Somehow I made it through the wilderness, but I wouldn’t change anything. I can laugh now because I didn’t know how lost I was until I realized God and only He knows the plans for my life. I learned an important life lesson. God answers prayers, so it’s essential to get as detailed as possible. Write the vision, make it plain, be specific, and add small details because the details matter. Don’t be so hard on yourself about mistakes you make in life. The mistakes add value and encourage you to do better. The more I think about some things I once called mistakes, I now consider a blessing since I’m older and understand more. We can be hard on ourselves and fail to celebrate our successes. Take time to show gratitude, appreciate where you are, take time to enjoy your life right now. Remember to do it often, even in difficult times. Find your tribe; find like-minded people who can build you, encourage you, and never let you give up on your dreams. My mentor, Les Brown, says, “Some things happen to you, and then, some things happen for you. I’m grateful for my lessons learned because God still allowed me to care for my mother and provide for her even though I had twins. I didn’t go away to college. I stayed home and went to work. I became an insurance agent and community leader while working two jobs. I was a General Manager on one and supervisor on the other. I also organized a teen mentoring group. I am now on my fourth book project, and I have several more on the way. My children are exceptional, and virtually everything that has almost taken my breath away is the very thing that gives me life and joy now. Don’t worry; pray and trust that everything will work together for your good. Please don’t give up even when life isn’t going as you planned, and it 108

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seems so off track. Keep improving, keep trusting, and keep living. It all adds up perfectly along the journey if you trust the process. The race is not given to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but to the one that will endure until the end. KEEP PUSHING!

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Repair Work 1. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Make a list of your accomplishments and celebrate your success. Identify what you can learn from your mistakes. Ask, “Is this event happening to you or for you?” Some things happen to make you stronger and wiser. You're not meant to be perfect. 2. Mind your business. Learn to focus on pleasing yourself and your God. Remind yourself often that another person's opinion about you is none of your business. Learn to isolate yourself to hear, think, and gather your thoughts. 3. Use what you have in your hand. Take an inventory of your gifts. Make a list of your skills and talents and use what you already have. You will be amazed at how everything you need is already in your hand.

Resources My Website: www.thekatsout.com My Podcast: The KATS Out Show My Social Media: Vera Giles Norris

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Chapter 16

Rise Up & Intentionally Overcome By: Erin McFarley

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ERIN MCFARLEY

“It is imperative that you start living in your purpose, on purpose.” Erin McFarley is not only a devoted mother to her son, influencing his life in all she does, but she is also devoted to impacting the lives of others. Her grandmother lovingly reared her on the south side of St. Petersburg, FL, but she grew up outside the “normal” family structure and with no money. She looked for guidance in all the wrong places but eventually broke free of an abusive relationship that almost took her life. She further overcame postpartum depression. Erin has always found a way to OVERCOME! She is a serial entrepreneur specializing in real estate, taxes, and investing through cryptocurrency. As an impact motivational speaker, she uplifts people worldwide, encouraging them to believe in themselves and live their purpose! Erin is the author of Rise Up: Overcoming Depression and Rise Up: Speak Into Your Life. Both books are available for purchase on Amazon. Along with inspiring families to fight through debilitating depression, Erin’s vision is to help others live their best lives. When asked what ERIN means, she will tell you, “Empowering people to be Radiant and Inspiring Naturally!”

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y hopes and prayers are that this chapter assists anyone dealing with some form of depression and anxiety to get closer to recovery on their healing journey. Know that you are NOT alone. I’ve been there, and the truth of the matter is, “depression completely sucks.” Many people suffer in silence because depression generally isn’t mentioned in casual conversation. No one openly says, “Oh, by the way, I’m depressed. Now please pass me the collard greens.” Sadly, people don’t get the proper support they need when dealing with depression or anxiety. This fact is especially true for black people. Many feel they must keep it to themselves, but it eventually presents itself in different ways throughout their lives. I was always “that” strong friend, so I didn’t even recognize what was going on with me as I struggled with depression. I had been so conditioned to “take it.” Sometimes I felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone. Once I realized that something was going on, the doctors wanted to pump me with pills, but I knew I never wanted to be the person who was drugged, relying on medication to “control” my emotions. The truth is, we live in a society that silently pushes the depression agenda. I have always been aware of the “powers that be” who want us, especially the Black family, to live a docile, depressed, yet chaotic life to stay controlled. I understand and appreciate that some may require the guidance of a doctor. I knew that medication wasn’t for me! Besides, the only pills you hear about in most black families are those people take for high blood pressure. Before writing my first book, Rise Up: Overcoming Depression, I lived with the so-called shame of dealing with depression and abuse. Because I am a strong person, I was genuinely embarrassed that I dealt with depression and an abusive relationship that nearly killed me. It was a very dark time in my life that I spent just “taking it,” not realizing I was suffering from Rise Up & Intentionally Overcome

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postpartum depression as well. I remember being pushed so hard through a door that it broke my fall, allowing me to get up quickly before he could strike again. I continued to smile and laugh as if nothing was wrong. This mindset of “suffering in silence” is extremely dangerous but is the reality of so many Black people. I honestly had an ignorant perspective regarding depression and anxiety, especially before experiencing it. I was legitimately oblivious! As a child, I can’t ever remember hearing anyone that looked like me talking about depression or anxiety in people of color. No one ever mentioned it unless it was regarding someone passing away. They wouldn’t say the word depression; they would simply say “mourning.” This, too, is a form of depression. Because of poverty, racism, slavery, and other atrocities, generations of people in our community cannot identify or handle the effects of the different types of trauma. As I mentioned earlier, as far as I was concerned, depression and anxiety were not a black person’s issue and something only for the weak-minded. I was highly misinformed. Black women are viewed as the strongest people in society, even over men of other races. This can be a dangerous thing! It doesn’t allow us to be vulnerable or recognized as ones who sometimes need help. My family and friends couldn’t imagine and didn’t believe I was experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety because I was the “strong one.” Here I was at 30 years old, having my first baby, but I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions or sort through the mess life had presented me. If you can imagine pouring dirty water with trash through a strainer, you see that there is still TRASH to clean up after the water goes through the strainer. This reminds me of the bag lady that Erykah Badu mentions in her song. Because so many of our people (Black people) are in the same situation as I was, when it was placed on my heart to write my first book, I had to remind myself of my trial by saying, “No trial, no testimony!” Being silent about how I dealt with and overcame the beast of depression while others suffered wasn’t in alignment with whom the Almighty had destined for me to be. I had to help! I know that life is a great teacher and is continuously dishing out its lessons if you pay attention. When my son was a baby, I remember feeling down on myself for so many things and thinking I wasn’t good enough to be a parent. Broken in every sense of the word, I was in a failing relationship that was slowly killing me spiritually and emotionally. For my son’s sake, I couldn’t go on like that. I 114

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had to find a way to get myself in a better state of mind and build generational wealth. I had to break free! This whole show called life is about sharing our experiences with others so they can learn from our mistakes. I must share my story of upliftment and overcoming depression with the world. Those suffering from depression must know that others have been in these same shoes. It doesn’t make you weak to ask for help, nor is it complaining as I had mistakenly thought. It is crucial to receive the support you need and know that other methods to overcome depression and anxiety besides popping a pill are available. The big pharma companies are seriously profiting while people are suffering and dying. Those suffering must know there are people to support them through this transition to peace. I’ve heard it said that hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I can see that there were other times in my life when I was depressed. Reflecting on the day I lost my grandmother, the day I got laid off from one of my jobs, and the day I was held at gunpoint, I realize I was just “dealing” with those situations. My actions screamed that I might be dealing with depression. I tried to numb my pain by drinking and partying and then sleeping all day or by looking for love in all the wrong places. It took a serious look at my character, actions, and motives to realize what was happening in my life. During my period of self-reflection, I was perplexed, confused, sad, and angry and sometimes became more depressed when I thought about what was going on in my life. I beat myself up instead of finding ways to be lifted. Self-reflection or shadow work doesn’t always feel good, but it is necessary whether things are going great in your life or they aren’t. I recently read an article that states, “shadow work involves getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you've repressed or what many might refer to as the ‘dark side’” of the old, lower vibrational versions of yourself. I had to go DEEP! I had to deal with versions of myself that I didn’t realize I had buried away! Talk about skeletons in the closet! I had to forgive my mother, father, myself, and many other people! I was fighting for my life in the spiritual and emotional sense. I knew deep down that this version of Erin wasn’t who I indeed was, and I had to snap out of it quickly, not just for my son but also for myself! My son deserved a healthy mom, not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and I didn’t want him to see me in this condition. Many children are raised by depressed, angry, and anxiety-stricken parents or caregivers. They are given a false sense of reality, not knowing how to properly deal with their emotions and other people. If not identified and consciously handled, this becomes a generational curse for that family. I didn’t want to be that Rise Up & Intentionally Overcome

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angry black woman. I learned that energy is transferable; therefore, I could not continue the downward spiral that I was on for the sake of my seed. He didn’t deserve that. Nor did I. Despite my trials and tribulations, I knew that I was made in the divine image of something greater than me. I have always had a love and passion for helping others, especially when helping them build their confidence. Years ago, I was a Director of Education with Barbizon USA, a modeling school. It was my job to teach and show young girls how to believe and have confidence in themselves. Ironically, I went from teaching others to have self-respect and confidence to crying on the cold floor of my bathroom and wondering what the hell was wrong with me! Now, I guide people to find their inner voice, develop self-confidence, and get their time back through investing. I didn’t realize, but it was all part of the divine plan. Sometimes life will guide you through painful situations to help you find your purpose! I was blessed to see my purpose after my healing and find God's divine vision for me. So, I must share my testimony with others. In my depression, I found my way to HEALING, PURPOSE, AND VISION. Finding victory in my pain was such a valuable lesson in my life. If you are going through depression, I can tell you from my own experiences that the storm doesn't last forever. I will be frank and say it isn't by any means easy, nor does it feel good. Some days are better than others, and you may even want to quit. DON’T! Keep going! You are the most valuable person in your life, and you are entirely WORTH IT! You’ve got to look over your life and know that every moment has led to this moment for you to be GREAT! Push past your current condition and THRIVE! Imagine what a healed black family with knowledge of self would do! It will be fruitful for generations to come. What I did to overcome depression is a mix of many elements and things available and accessible for public knowledge. It isn’t some brand new method as there are so many ways to heal! You can use prayer, meditation, exercise, and personal development audiobooks to help. Be willing to do whatever it takes. You must BELIEVE, above all else, and always see the HIGHEST VERSION of yourself! You must consciously train your mind to recognize and effectively process all your emotions. Use the repair work steps below and add them to your daily routine. These action items will work if you work them!

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Repair Work 1. Realize that you are the MVP in your life. Assess whether you are properly taking care of the MOST VALUABLE PLAYER in your LIFE – YOU. Take time for yourself by scheduling time for self-care. Let those around you know that you must take some “me time” for mental health. Getting out of toxic environments that aren’t aligned with your healing journey is imperative, and that may mean cutting some people off who don’t add value to your life. This can be hard, but it must be done! Remember, if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t properly care for your family. 2. Figure Out What Triggers You. There are so many things that trigger our emotions. It is essential to keep track of your triggers when overcoming depression. You can’t change what you don’t know, so take note of what triggers your mood changes. By doing so, you can start to work through those situations that put you in an undesired mental and emotional space. When you feel your mood changing, be sure to breathe and repeat a positive affirmation or prayer. This action alone can help bring you back to a clearer mind. 3. Invoke a Spirit of Gratitude. This is a game-changer. It will help raise your vibrations to a higher place. Begin by focusing on being grateful for all things, no matter how small they are. Make a journal of these things. Be sure to say, “I am so happy and grateful now that...” Try placing these words at the beginning of a statement of what you desire and watch the Universe as it gives them to you.

Resources My Website: www. erinmcfarley.com My Social Media: @confidentlyerin

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Chapter 17

Self-Care -Creating the Best Version of Yourself By: L. Lynell Anderson

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L. LYNELL ANDERSON

“Life is an investment, so invest in you.”

L. Lynell Anderson is the mother of three beautiful children. She graduated from St. Petersburg College with a degree in social services. Lynell is a uniquely defined person, an entrepreneur, and a natural therapist who desires to resolve every situation holistically. She is a conscientious woman whose superpower is standing in her truth. Most importantly, Lynell is shaped and molded by her life experiences. Her mission is to encourage women to practice self-care while bringing awareness to the struggle of dealing with and overcoming obesity.

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have struggled with my weight since I was a small child. I recall going to the table determined to find the plate with the most food. Food was comforting. I remember being teased on numerous occasions about my weight. The cruel words made me depressed, so I comforted myself by eating more food. I never saw the fat girl that everyone criticized. I simply saw myself when I looked in the mirror. My family life was very chaotic. My mother was in an abusive marriage, my dad was an alcoholic, and our family lived in poverty. All of these things were triggers. Food was my escape. Food was my God! I knew whatever I was going through, eating settled my mind, and it took me away from everything that made me unhappy. I knew that genetics played a big part in my makeup, but I never understood why losing weight would take so much more effort than the average person. My biological father's family were heavier people and enjoyed food also. They call it “big-boned.” I've always put everyone's problems before my own, always making sure everyone else was good. I never really took time out for myself. I once asked, "Who heals the healer when the healer needs healing?" I found myself with a solution for everyone's problems but my own. I realized I needed self-care. I needed to make sure I was doing the necessary things for myself. I made a conscious decision to start. I said to myself, "You have to start somewhere." When my journey began, I felt guilty for thinking about myself. I questioned, "Am I doing the right thing? Do I want to put all that time and energy into taking care of myself?" My answer was, “Yes!” So I began to alter my diet and incorporate light exercises, but most importantly, I avoided my triggers. After about a month of actively changing, I didn't see the immediate 120

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benefit I hoped I would see. Discouraged, I wanted to give up. I felt it wasn't worth it. I did all the necessary things to see results, and they weren't there. I stopped and reverted to what I knew. I stopped exercising for thirty days and started to eat food that I knew wasn't good for me. It was like the food calmed my spirit. It felt so good. I didn't focus on anything; I was so satisfied. At that moment, all the stress, effort, and changes didn't matter. I didn't feel the need to put so much energy into it. After the moment of satisfaction went away, a feeling of remorse came over me. I realized I had stripped myself of the opportunity to acknowledge my needs and take care of myself. I felt hopeless and disgusted. I gave up on myself, and I didn't know how to bounce back from the feeling even though I had experienced it many times before. Then something came over me. I said, "Nothing is going to be easy, and this will not happen overnight. Keep pushing. It's not how many times you fall, but it's about how many times you get up." So, after two weeks of doing absolutely nothing, I got up, went back to the basics, and started my diet and exercising regimen again. I embraced it with a positive mindset, and I pushed myself a little harder each day. If I walked two miles today, I would walk three miles the next day. I encouraged myself daily. I had to learn to cheer for myself. I never looked for anyone to take the journey with me. I knew if it were going to get done, it would have to be a conscious decision to do it. After all the self-encouragement and hard work, I finally saw results. That day was one of the happiest days in my life. All my dedication did not go in vain. From that day forward, I told myself I wouldn't give up. I did any and everything that would improve my overall health. I joined the YMCA. I did all the classes that I could schedule, and I enjoyed them. I even tried a yoga class. Never in a million years did I think I would do yoga. I found that yoga is excellent for self-care; it's a way to take a pause out of life and give you a sense of peace. I enjoyed Yoga. It gave me a new perspective on the meaning of self-care. We are so used to doing the same things that we often don't know how to embrace when it's time for something different. We live for other people's approval. What others believe we should do sometimes hinders us from embracing certain things. I took any and every opportunity I could for my self-care. I gave it all I had. The more work I put into myself, the more results I was able to see. The weight just kept coming off. Although I’ve always been a person who loves to take care of everyone else's needs versus my own, when Self-Care -Creating the Best Version of Yourself

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I saw the results of all my hard work, it lit a fire inside me. The feeling of accomplishment was something that I embraced. It was more than a journey; I was making a lifestyle change. I learned that you must keep making subtle changes to help you on your journey. I didn't put the weight on overnight, so I didn't expect to lose it overnight. I haven’t met my weight goals yet, but I'm still working on myself. I’ll continue to give it my all, and I'll never give up! Self-care is necessary. We must love ourselves more than we love others. I now know that if you are going to do something, don't wait on anyone to cheer for you. Be consistent, be dedicated to yourself and your accomplishments. Love yourself enough to take a pause out of life and do what is best for you. I had to learn to put my needs, expectations, and well-being above others. You cannot feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of others if you don't take care of the physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that you experience. Self-care is an act of survival; it's not selfishness, weakness, or anything we should consider a luxury. Self-care is a way of dealing with emotional trauma, hardships, and covered-up pain. I learned that being selfish is ok sometimes; caring about self is ok. Self-care is listening to the body and what it needs at that time. Sometimes it's hard to prioritize mental and physical well-being over day-to-day life, but we must choose to put ourselves first, once and for all. I encourage you to take time out. Just pause. Put your life and your current situations in perspective. Are you taking care of yourself? Find your outlet, know when you have had enough, and have a plan. Take time to enjoy the simple things in life, things that will bring you peace. I encourage you to love yourself, demand your space, protect your energy, and free yourself from anything that is not getting you peace. Be you, love you, and take care of what's essential. There are several things you can do to help with your self-care, whether it's taking an extended vacation from work, exercising, watching a movie, or even reading a book at the beach. Many things helped me along the way through my journey, and I put them into practice.

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Repair Work 1. Cleanse your space and energy. Care for yourself by setting a new intention for your space and speaking it aloud. Try burning dried herbs like sage or Palo Santo. Identify the properties and place crystals in your area. Declutter, declutter, declutter! 2. Keep a journal. Write down different situations and how you resolved each without interrupting self-care. Plan your self-care routine. Identify your triggers, eating habits, and other bad habits or patterns. Include things like taking a break, deep breathing, and affirmations encouraging yourself like “you got this!" 3. Stay consistent. Focus on your self-care, and don't give up. Make a list and add a successful action of self-care daily. Keep striving and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will reach your goal!

Resources My Social Media: Lynell Green Anderson

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Chapter 18

When the Game Gives You Aim By: Demetrius X Powell

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DEMETRIUS X POWELL

Demetrius X Powell was born and raised in Tampa Bay, FL. He is the father of five exceptional children, three of whom he had at a young age. Demetrius was the star of his high school football team. His life shifted when he got kicked out of school and became a drug dealer. During his incarceration, he realized that he had to change his life, and he began to study all forms of religion. His turning point came when he became a member of the Nation of Islam in 2006. Demetrius now owns and operates a trucking company. In remembrance of his two brothers, he is a community activist on a mission to help empower and uplift young black men.

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When the Game Gives You Aim

eing born and raised in the projects was rough and challenging at times, but I cannot deny we had many good times in that neighborhood. My mother had five children. None of our biological fathers were around. With the lack of support from our fathers, my mother had a tough life until she met my stepfather. After my mother met him, our lives soon changed. You may ask, how? My mother and stepfather started selling drugs. I quickly got used to the finer things in life. My mother often wore gold bangles and bracelets on her wrist with gold rings and earrings to match them. She was always decked out. My stepfather had the latest cars with music and a cellphone. This was special because, in the 80s, people only had pagers, landline home phones, and the infamous corner payphones. He was ahead of his time. We had the newest and freshest clothes, shoes, and the latest arcade games, and we loved to go to Disney World and SeaWorld. Life was good. I remember most children didn't have these things. We had so much that sometimes the other children would ask to come to our house to play our games because they didn't have any. They even tried to steal our video games from us at times, but it was all love and all good. We were truly blessed. You couldn't tell us anything during those times. Then one day, it all came to an end. Suddenly, our house got busted. As the law of gravity is true, what goes up must come down, and that's exactly what happened. The police kicked in our door and raided our home. Our auntie had picked us up right before this happened, and as we were driving off, we saw strange cars driving by our house and a helicopter flying overhead. The authorities had already been on my mother and stepfather's trail for a long time. Thinking we were getting away from their monitoring of our activities, we 126

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had recently moved from where we were living. The police sent an undercover informant to buy some drugs from my mother. I believe they really wanted my stepfather for the most part, but he wasn't home, so, unfortunately, they went after my mother. They searched the house and found drugs, of course, and a handgun. Police were trying to get my mother to help them incriminate others, but she refused, so they handcuffed and arrested her and took her to jail. It was a very sad time for us. We were lost, confused, and lost everything. We lost the cars and clothes, and the lifestyle was now over. My brothers and I wondered when our mother would get out of jail. We all felt sad for her while not knowing what we were about to face. From that point, we stayed with family members from household to household. We wore clothes from yard sales and sometimes "hand me down" clothes. Going to school was an experience in Hell. We had nothing! We went from name-brand shoes and clothes to no-name brand handouts. There were 11 of us living in our aunt’s three-bedroom apartment in the projects. Rats ran around the apartment eating our clothes that were laying out to dry after my aunt hand-washed them. Being outside was not any better. When we played football, the heroin junkies would be around us. If we fell on the ground, the dirty needles they left behind were right by our faces! People were fighting, prostitutes worked in the empty apartments, and people were even shot. Those times were crazy. There was a concrete jungle out there, but this lifestyle, life in the projects, became normal to us. We were happy when my mother finally got out of jail and got us back. It was a little better but not much. We moved to a better side of town, but we were still in the hood, so we faced hood challenges. Coming home from jail and out into the world made it challenging for her to find a good job that pays the bills. Even when she was qualified, she could not get the job because of her record. With a low-paying job and trying to raise five children on her own, my mother struggled because she was now a felon. Finally, we bounced back through the hardships that came along with that. It was the early 90s, and my brothers and I learned to fend for ourselves by drug dealing. I was 13 years old and in the 8th grade. After school and football practice, many times with my football uniform on, I’d go out on the block to sell drugs. There were many drug dealers in the neighborhood already, some even as young as I was. With money now pouring in, we were helping my mother pay bills. We bought cars and drove our cars while still in school. We had many girls going crazy for us because we had many things that people in school didn't have. Of course, this brought much attention our way, and we were living like we were grown in Jr. High School. My brothers When the Game Gives You Aim

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and I did what we wanted to do. My mother didn't say too much because she had been the one to introduce us to the "drug game," and we were getting money and paying bills. One day another Black brother I was selling drugs to set me up. This was the first time I felt true betrayal because he was a person whom I thought I could trust. I couldn't believe it! As soon as I gave him the drugs, the police came from everywhere, jumping out of their unmarked parked cars. All I could hear and see was a bunch of police yelling, "Get on the ground!" They were running towards me with flashlights and guns pointed at me. They jumped on top of me with their knees in my back, then picked me up and sat me down in the police car. They were trying to get me to set someone else up as well. That wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to make anyone else go through the same thing I went through. Besides, I was raised with different standards than that. I lived by certain principles. After getting caught with the drugs and being arrested, I was kicked out of school. Then, both my brothers, one younger and one older, were shot and killed. My world was in a downward spiral, and no amount of money was going to take the pain away. My brothers were dead, and life would not be the same. Watching my mother hurt and bury her children took a lot from me. My grandmother died a little after that—pain on top of pain. I had to deal with a lot. I wanted to go back to school so badly, but the school denied me returning. So, I got in the streets full time and gave the streets all I had. I started selling drugs with revenge in my heart. I felt I had a point to prove and I was determined in my mind to prove to myself and my teachers that I was going to be successful, even if it was at selling drugs. With my extra focus, energy, and determination, money was starting to come in. I was robbing, gambling, and hustling all at the same time. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would get caught up. Deep down, I knew I had to change for the better, but I didn't know how to get out of the drug game. I was so far in it. One day I was cooking drugs in the house watching Minister Farrakhan. I ended up getting a call from my cousin telling me he was in town and was about to come over. When he got to me, I was almost done cooking the drugs, but I needed to let them dry. When he got to the house, he wanted to get something to eat, which worked out perfectly because I didn’t want to let him in the house with the drugs there anyway. I said, “Let's go.” We talked about business, life, and some of everything on the way to 128

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eat. We arrived at "Gyros," restaurant, waited for our food, and as we were leaving, I saw a man with a suit and bowtie selling newspapers on the corner. That newspaper was called The Final Call, and the man who was selling it was a member of the Nation of Islam. I told my cousin to stop. I jumped out of the truck to get one of those newspapers, and I gave the brother some money just for being courageous enough to be out on the corner. We talked, and I gave him my number. I would have never thought that this simple interaction with that brother would be the start to me making a change in my life, something I was asking for but did not know how it would happen. I began studying the religion of Islam but was still selling drugs at the same time. Then, I got to the point where I didn't want to sell drugs anymore. As I started learning more about myself, my spirit started convicting me of my bad habits - the women, drug selling, and drug use. I didn't want to do any of this anymore. I started freeing myself from all the things keeping me in bondage. I never had an actual father figure, so I did the best I could with my children until I joined the Nation of Islam. The N.O.I. helped me see how real men look and act. The N.O.I. showed me how to conduct myself like a real gentleman. Growing up, I only knew men who were disrespectful towards women and had hatred in their hearts for one another. I never knew how to love another human being, let alone another man. I grew up thinking the only way through life was to kill or be killed by another Black man. I eventually realized I didn't have to be a product of my environment or think how I was brought up. I am very proud that I have since broken many generational curses. Even though my father wasn't around for me, I became a great father to five children. We never owned a house growing up, and I broke that curse when I bought a house. My family sold drugs and only worked nine to five jobs. That cycle was also broken, and I have been blessed to own my business. I didn't graduate, but now all my children have graduated. My parents never married, but I broke that curse too when I got married. I was determined not to be what I saw negatively in my past. The Nation of Islam taught me the importance of discipline, tolerance, honesty, dependability, courteousness, and reliability. Most importantly, I learned that my word is bond and to keep my word when I give it. With much passion for succeeding, I took classes to learn how to think and make firm decisions. I also took another course called "Overcoming Ups and Downs of Life" by L. Ron Hubbard. I became an avid student, and I learned the importance of getting a thorough knowledge and understanding of life itself from many different philosophies and religions. When the Game Gives You Aim

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I want to encourage every young Black man to remember this - whatever you get yourself into that's negative, you can get yourself out of and turn it into a positive. Your attitude will determine your altitude. Be the change you want to see, and all situations have over 360 ways to be handled. Choose the best answer wisely.

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Repair Work 1. Ask yourself- Does it make me better? No matter what route you choose, if it makes you better today than yesterday, do it. Show and improve yourself. Keep a journal of your progress. 2. Love Yourself. Have a clean heart and love yourself first. A pure heart and mind alone can guide you a long way. Write a list of the things you love about yourself and remind yourself of these things daily. 3. Trust your Spirit. Learn to trust that spirit in you and fight like Hell against that rebellious spirit in you. Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive people and keep yourself in a positive environment. Do things to reinforce the good in you. Purposely stay away from negative influences or those things that do not honor the divinity in you.

Resources My Social Media: Demetruis Powell

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Chapter 19

Facing the Enemy Within and the System Without By: Rizza Islam

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RIZZA ISLAM

“For a family to reach its highest potential, it must be protected and secured at all times. Protected spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.” - Rizza Islam. Rizza Islam, the youngest of 10 children from Compton, CA, is a member of the Nation of Islam at Mosque #27 in Los Angeles. He has worked as an activist both in his community and internationally for over 20 years. Unapologetically devoted to enlightening others, he is an independent researcher, educator, entrepreneur, and bestselling author. Rizza is an intellectual and emerging expert in multiple areas, including literacy programs, drug education, and drug rehabilitation. He is also actively committed to exposing human rights violations, abuses in the mental health field, police terrorism, and the atrocities of sex trafficking. Exceptionally knowledgeable, well-spoken, and popular, Rizza is a social media phenom who has amassed millions of followers on multiple digital platforms.

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Facing the Enemy Within and the System Without

s a young black man from Compton, I started working with families as a child. As early as 11 years old, I began working with our people. My main focus was illiteracy, substance abuse, drug education, addiction control, and gang intervention. I worked at a nonprofit social betterment program where I saw many of our people going through hell on earth. I saw black and brown men and women suffering from drug addiction and illiteracy with a lack of purpose. It was tough to see and experience this because, at the time, I didn’t understand how our people could be in such a condition, but I came to appreciate their plight later in life. This wasn’t an isolated situation that only affected a few of our people. I faced a global circumstance as I worked with them consistently. Let me make this very clear - that was not and is not an easy task! One day I could be working with teenagers on communication skills, hygiene, overall health, and ways to live a long life without drugs. The next day, I might be using a phonics program to work with adults fresh out of prison who couldn’t read or write. On other days still, I would work with men and women from enemy gangs developing conflict resolution strategies for brothers and sisters who were former prostitutes and drug dealers. My work was continuous. Many of the people I served were on probation, struggling to finish community service hours so that they could get their lives back. I worked with so many people from all different walks of life, and I realized that we don’t understand how serious it can be until we face them and their situations. My oldest student was an 86-year-old woman who had forgotten how to read. I had to re-teach her, starting with the alphabet. It was like she was a child all over again. There were numerous people like her in different age groups, including many brothers from various gangs. They could barely 134

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read or write. This reality helped me understand the level of frustration that can build up. Imagine a grown man trying to operate in the world illiterate? What does this do to a person’s self-esteem? Imagine the embarrassment. Unfortunately, it is a harsh reality that affects millions! I grew up around nothing but Blacks and Mexicans and often found myself confronted with the heated battle between them. Although we would get along when smoking, drinking, or partying, issues arose between different blocks, when walking in the wrong neighborhoods or if somebody Black was dating somebody Mexican. I remember the first relationship I ever had. I was nine years old, and my girlfriend's name was Sindy. She was Mexican. I didn’t understand why my friends didn’t like it, and her family disapproved since the interaction between the Black and Brown was common and understood. I even remember a time during the 4th of July celebrations when we would put our money together and buy fireworks from our Brown connection since they got the best fireworks from Tijuana every year. Everything was cool, or so we thought. Fights in the street, people getting stabbed, shot, and even race riots at schools happened more often than I could remember. Unfortunately, the Black and the Brown relationship was always awkward in the classroom, not realizing we both were affected by the same things. Of course, we were affected differently because of our culture, but we were all affected, nonetheless. During lunchtime, we would constantly have to prevent or break up fights. Often, there was one fight that we couldn’t prevent entirely, and somebody would have to get kicked out. It’s never easy dealing with the effects of a system that has been so strategic in its execution of wickedness. I’ve witnessed these types of conflicts firsthand all my life. Though there were conflicts, I found it interesting that we could still have conversations about race, culture, holidays, gang politics, etc., with a productive outcome. Fortunately, the good did outweigh the bad in all of this. I was overjoyed to see people I worked with on anger management and communication skills one day finish their probation, get a job, acquire a place, get their children back, and go on to live a successful life! Repeatedly, old students would return to the program looking good, drug-free, clearminded, and living life with purpose! I was always happy to see a person I helped when they were at their lowest in life, now turn around and LIVE IT! It was a tremendous blessing to see someone under the system one day now be free from it! Nothing compares! Those examples were what made every day worth it for me! Facing the Enemy Within and the System Without

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Freeing someone has levels to it! To help someone begin that journey of true freedom from ignorance, self-hatred, and purposelessness is to help them move from death into life! Our work was endless. Some days, we would do community clean-ups where we would choose a couple of dirty blocks and clean them, and the next day we would be on to something else. No one asked us to do it, but they didn’t need to. We did what needed to be done. Block by block, we would hit the streets with trash bags, and from corner to corner, clean it up until there was nothing left! It was very fulfilling to serve in this way and to then hold toy drives and toiletry drives for these children and families in need. Many of our students didn’t have food at home, and we realized that it was one of the critical factors in their overall condition. People weren’t eating! Going out into the world every day hungry makes it easy to get frustrated. So, we fed them. Every day! Imagine no food, no water, and no money. The reality is that they could not read or write, were on drugs, on probation, fighting to get their children out of the system, fighting to get themselves out of the system, and were traumatized because of multiple negative occurrences in their lives. These experiences only solidified my love for us because I saw that people could make significant changes with just a little help. They just needed someone to believe in them enough to bring them back into a better condition. I’ve learned many things on this journey of helping people. For one, never, and I mean never, look down on someone because they may not be where you are. We get caught up in looking at ourselves with our cars, clothes, nice homes, apartments, pockets full of money, all the while forgetting that so many people don’t have these luxuries. We get comfortable, and at the same time, we become inconsiderate and arrogant. I remember meeting a man who looked homeless. He came to our program, and some students made fun of him. Some Black students talked about his clothes, while some Brown students made fun of him in Spanish. He corrected the Black and Brown students in English and Spanish most articulately when he opened his mouth! It was crazy! I later found out he wasn’t even homeless! This is why we should never look down on someone or judge them simply by how they look. Humility is what people appreciate. When you decide to help someone, you can’t do it from an arrogant posture. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, and it doesn’t matter how well you dress. Nobody wants to listen 136

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to an arrogant fool about anything, especially if you’re going into inner-city communities. They appreciate a humble person who is willing to learn about them rather than always coming to teach them something. Sometimes they just want a conversation and to be treated like human beings. I believe this is why I’ve been accepted by so many in all areas of life. Minister Louis Farrakhan said, “We should love our people more than they hate themselves.” This resonated with me profoundly as I was blessed with this very mindset since I was 12 years old. How many people would be dead if it were not for the efforts of those who stand in the middle to bring peace? How many more would die if there were no mediators? No negotiators? No peacemakers in the hood? This is not a mission that you accept for fame, nor is it a mission that we accept to make money. This is truly a mission of love, and if love is not at the center of why we do what we do, then the people will see and feel that. The people will reject anyone who comes like that! Our motives must be pure; otherwise, we will do nothing but add more destruction to the community when we are supposed to help it to heal. In February 2021, the United States Congress called upon Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook (now Meta), Jack Dorsey of Twitter, and Sundar Pichai of Google to remove me and 11 others from their platforms. This was because we exposed the truth about COVID-19 and the dangerous vaccines. Consequently, they pulled me from the following platforms: Instagram with over half a million followers, YouTube with over 140,000 subscribers, Facebook with over 120,000 followers, and Twitter with over 55,000 followers. I was even banned within 72 hours of joining a new platform called Clubhouse. My network was reaching over 18,000,000 people worldwide per week! They removed me unjustly from all of these platforms, hurting me financially, emotionally, and honestly, spiritually as well. I know this is a test I am facing for standing up for what I believe. I have been banned from multiple places, platforms and even been the cause of other people's platforms being threatened by having me on. All of this is because I choose to stand on the truth of my beliefs. In the end, I have been successful along with others, and we have established our own platforms and networks. Now the people can see the truth unfettered and unshackled, which only boosts us further. “Every knock is a boost!” - Elijah Muhammad. I’ve learned a few things that I will share to help you move through life with optimum results. Believe in God above all things. Build strong Facing the Enemy Within and the System Without

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relationships with like-minded people; be patient with your growth. Love your people more than they hate themselves; think at least five times before you speak AND before you move! Learn from your mistakes and make better decisions through wisdom. Always remain humble and willing to grow, learn and evolve.

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Repair Work 1. Repair the spiritual connection we have with Allah/God/The Most High That is the most important thing we have to fix. Practice prayer, meditation, and visualization. Find a mosque, church, or spiritual center/group that speaks to what you believe about Allah/God/The Most High. 2. Develop your mental health. Find a therapist you can trust who doesn’t use drugs to solve your problem. You can use talk therapy, aromatherapy, music therapy, auditing, meditation, animal-assisted therapy, detoxing from social media, and more. Practice concentration exercises and start reading at least 30 minutes a day. Every family should have a designated trusted individual who helps them face their trauma. Identify someone you all can go to as a mediator for issues you usually can’t talk through or agree on. 3. Grow food and grow it actively. There is a significant food shortage in America, and soon, our dependence on this system for sustenance will become nearly impossible. It isn’t hard to grow food at home, and this is by far the most critical time-sensitive task. Depending on your available space, consider container or raised-bed gardening. 4. Create generational wealth. Every family should put together a trust, a will, insurance policies, and learn financial literacy. Decide to pass down a will, land, an opportunity for growth, and generational wealth rather than bills, rent, and debt.

Resources My Website: www.rizzaislam.com

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Chapter 20

The Key Within By: Charlene Muhammad

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CHARLENE MUHAMMAD

“Evict the whisperings of the slinking devil by repossessing your keys to the real temple of God which is within YOU!” Charlene Muhammad was born and raised in Opelousas, Louisiana, and comes from a big family with big hearts. Currently residing in Los Angeles, CA, Charlene is married to Amin Ali Muhammad; her family includes children, Mustapha Junaid Muhammad, Akeila Ra’eesah Muhammad, Jabril M. Muhammad (son-in-law), and grandbaby, Surraya. Charlene is the National Correspondent for The Final Call Newspaper, published by the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam. Liberated Sisters, Liberated Sisters TV, and Pumps on the Ground are all projects created and hosted by Charlene. These independent media projects cover crises, triumph, advocacy, and activism impacting Black and Indigenous communities. She is also the creator of the “One Meal One Mile iMprOVEMENT,” a global community-based nutrition and fitness network of Mentors and Motivators.

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looked up one day, amazed at the amount of excess baggage I was carrying. I arrived at that point or faced it after a doctor's diagnosis that I was malnourished, and it was affecting my heart. I spiraled immediately into depression instead of reparative action. I thought I was eating the right foods, but there were no nutrients in them to strengthen my body at all. I made tons of excuses. As I look back, my problems started long ago, and I didn’t realize it until now. I’ve hinted around it and thought I’d never have to speak about it because it was over. I am no longer afraid to confront and express my truth because I love and fear God. I’ve learned a hard lesson. No longer will I put Him off for others. I swore up-and-down I did not know I should have never married him. But, in truth, I did know. I silenced the voice of God speaking to me on all levels spiritually, mentally, and physically. There was a major earthquake the day before our wedding. We were called to the church because there was significant damage. The whole steeple of the church had caved in, burying the actual pulpit and much of the sanctuary. It was clear we were not getting married there that day. Now, if that didn’t resonate as a sign that God is talking, saying STOP! I disapprove of this union! Then there was nothing anyone could do to convince me. I believed the lies and did everything everyone else wanted but myself. My big sister Toni knew that I did not want to marry him. She sensed there was trouble and tried to confront for me what I was not strong enough to do. She said, “You don't want to marry him, huh?” I said, “No,” worried and sad. Even though I knew I shouldn’t be the people pleaser I was, I saw no other way to live, or so I thought. It became one of the worst decisions of my life. In retrospect, I realized I made my ex-husband a god besides Allah (God); 142

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I also gave my power to practically everyone in my sphere of influence that I truly loved. I wanted to please them all, but I neglected myself and neglected the God that I serve in the process. I already understood my role and responsibility for what happened and allowed it to happen. But as I write this, God is blessing me to realize that it wasn't just my ex-husband; from the time I was a little girl, I placed everyone whom I loved in the seat of God, and I let people make decisions for me. My twin’s passing had a very traumatic effect on me. There were times when I felt pushed away, verbally abused, or threatened. I would go inside myself, responding in my head by saying, “OK, you don't want to call Charlotte out here! You better back up because she doesn't play!” You see, Charlotte and I were born prematurely, but Charlotte did not survive! I always envisioned my twin as empowered, fiery, loving, no-nonsense, and happy-go-lucky at the same time. I felt empowered by my vision and thoughts of Charlotte. Thinking of her helped me when I felt afraid or worried, even when my ex, aggressed me, especially we argued. My ex and I argued about what I would not wear, the outfits he wanted to see me in, and the shoes he wanted me to wear. He even had a problem with the way I styled my hair. I had not known or realized how all of this started until now; my ex-husband had another life. He was expressing his alternative lifestyle vicariously through me. I would go into the closet (smile) and talk to my mom on the phone when I felt threatened during his episodes. I would emerge from my hiding place and go on like nothing ever happened. With each argument, I moved farther away in my mind of what I thought I knew of him, what he presented, and the real him came into view. I took my mother's advice. I investigated and searched for answers as to why the person I considered my best friend turned into my worst enemy after we married. It was simple; he could no longer hide. Things crystallized for me when I went to a counseling session arranged for my ex and me with a beloved pastor in our city. For the first time in the counseling sessions, the Pastor said what I already knew, but he gave me the power to accept it or the permission to deny it. In the past, “Peazy,” my family’s nickname for me, would rear her weak head and refuse to believe her voice and refuse to listen to God’s. But in a straightforward sentence, the pastor unraveled the lie and changed the game. He helped me face what I knew all along. At the height of the HIV/AIDS pandemic and people dropping like flies from this new disease, my ex had pursued me, knowing he lived another life. He took my power of choice away. It seemed like a The Key Within

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lifetime, but the marriage lasted only about a month. The wedding gifts were still wrapped. The reality is I had murdered God's voice within. All the voices and negative self-defeating things I heard replaced all the affirmations and warnings innately God-given. Life with my ex-husband was my chastisement for not listening and obeying my thoughts and doing the Will of God. Once I confessed, I began to get better. I no longer feared what people would think or say about me. The level of understanding and breakthrough that I have right now is helping me to help others. I can now help other black women and girls from self-imposed suffering. I continue to work to improve myself. It’s an ongoing process because this experience was over 30 years ago. Part of my healing process is holding myself accountable. I just give it to Allah (God) and press forward. Each time I get better and better, Allah (God) takes me to the next level. I had to understand that Allah (God) is not through with me yet. God had something for me to do, something He blessed me with, put inside of me specifically, to help others, and in this case, particularly the Black woman. But He could not use me until He purified me. I was fighting the process, so my suffering continued because I failed to submit my will to His will. I realized I was pointing or looking outward for solutions to my problems. But the reality is I had abandoned my truth, which is God’s Truth. I forgave myself in the quiet of my mind and prayer room, and I sought God’s forgiveness. I can sincerely say I am no longer upset with my exhusband. I got a fitness coach and worked out four days a week. I also formed a group for people to mentor and motivate each other. TEAMWORK is not just a group of people doing the same thing, but a group where we hold each other up, lift one another and give a genuine effort towards the goal that looks different for everybody, but the key is support. I have resubmitted to Allah (God) and HOW TO EAT TO LIVE: FROM GOD IN PERSON by The Honorable Elijah Muhammad. I achieved my goals once, and I thank Allah for strengthening me with the knowledge and understanding of How to Eat to Live, plus the right spiritual food, physical exercise, and the will to succeed again–one step at a time. Not everyone will be happy for you or helpful when you put yourself first. You may even face some blockers or haters but press on! It’s okay to put yourself first. It is imperative, as the first law of survival is self-preservation. If they love you, they’ll understand, and if they don’t, press on. 144

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Repair Work 1. Forgive yourself and move forward. Find your inner voice. Silence all the noise and voices about who you are or aren’t. Don’t think of who you’re expected to be, what you are or are not, or what you have and have not done. Tell yourself, “I am sorry.” Then get back to yourself, commune, and return to that moment you felt you weighed properly - spiritually, mentally, and physically. 2. Make God sufficient for you in all your needs. Strengthen your connection to the Creator and call on Him often. Write down each victory you accomplish, big or small. Get a gratitude journal and thank Him. Find an accomplishment to be grateful for every day. 3. Face your reality. Look straight ahead. Don’t turn away. Take an assessment of where you are spiritually, emotionally, and physically and where you want to be. Identify who supports your goals or hinders you from obtaining them. Create a nutrition and fitness plan based on what you found; be okay with ridding your plate of foods and people you recognize are not suitable for you.

Resources My Website: www.liberatedsisters.com

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Chapter 21

Mining The Mind By: Anissa Michele Muhammad

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ANISSA MICHELE MUHAMMAD

“Surely Allah changes not the condition of a people until they change their own condition.” (Holy Qur’an Surah 13, Ayat 11) A native of Cleveland, OH, Anissa Michele Muhammad is a devoted wife, mother of one son and three daughters and grandmother of five. Anissa possesses an indescribable love and passion for mental and spiritual healing, ultimately leading to physical well-being. Her mantra: healing does not occur by way of osmosis—it takes work. Anissa’s background is in allied health nursing. Her educational achievements include three Associate Degrees – Liberal Arts (music), Interdisciplinary Studies, and Psychology. She also holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services and two master’s degrees–one in Human Services, the other in Public Health. At 62 years old, she is a doctoral candidate at Capella University with a focus in Healthcare Administration. She has 25 years of experience in domestic violence counseling, health education, and disaster/survival preparedness training. In addition, she is a subject matter expert on the topics of chronic disease self-management, and addiction recovery. Presently, Anissa is building the foundation of her life’s work. She founded Sisters 4 Life Health Equity Group, Inc. (S4L), an agency dedicated to helping young women and families navigate obstacles that hinder them from making progress in their personal lives. One distinct program S4L offers is domestic violence counseling for Muslim women of African descent. Another foundational work still in the making is Anessence Consulting, LLC—a company devoted to helping others overcome chronic illness. Anissa believes individualized program courses are phenomenal and produce results. Beginning January 2022, in collaboration with The Liberated Sisters Network, Anissa will launch her “Mining My Mind to a Healthier Me” podcast. Mining The Mind

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Mining The Mind

Growing up Black in America during the 1960s, I witnessed social injustice and family dysfunction. I was molested at 11 years old and again at 13. This engrains into one’s psyche acceptance of being less than and being destined to suffer. I grew up thinking that Black women were put on the earth solely for the purpose of ‘taking stuff.’ There is an intergenerational mindset, carried over from slavery that the Black woman has no value, no self-worth, no inner or outer beauty. It seemed as if the Black woman had to work the hardest, was the least loved, and had to endure pain and suffering. This is what I witnessed from childhood, experienced as a young adult, and therefore, accepted as the norm. When one accepts poverty, despair, and ridicule because of the color of one’s skin as the norm, it sends a message of low expectations that this is the way it will always be. I learned how to read and write at a very young age (according to society’s standard), so by the time I was in kindergarten, I was light-years ahead of my classmates. In fact, my parents were called to attend a ‘conference’ with my teacher and the school’s principal—they wanted to know who taught me and why did my parents allow this to happen. The principal told my parents that I was giving my classmates an inferiority complex and they should stop immediately. My father replied, “if she is beyond kindergarten level, then put her in a higher grade.” The principal then stated, “we cannot do that.” I will never forget that day as long as I live. I loved school and learning, but that experience left a sour taste in my mouth. I knew then, at the age of five, that white people didn’t like Black children if they had a brain. This was another nail in the coffin that sealed my mentality of having to acquiesce to get along with others, which was my autopilot until I was about 37 years old. By the time I was 30, I was in a dysfunctional and abusive marriage, and was being physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and financially abused, and had a very expensive crack cocaine addiction. I eventually went 148

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to rehab to clean up, and the day I was to be united with my children, while waiting for a bus on 6th and Towne (downtown Los Angeles), a stranger forcibly abducted me. Although there were many people around, no one came to help. I was raped repeatedly, pistol-whipped, urinated on, and had cigarettes put out on my skin for two days. Until that time, I never knew what ‘being paralyzed with fear’ meant. My greatest fear was that I would never see my son and daughter again. I had only two choices–to live or die. I was thinking, “I don’t want to die.” I could either take a chance by jumping from a moving car near a freeway exit, or I could die from a gunshot to the head. I chose to jump. It was a miracle that I wasn’t killed. After getting my bearings, I saw downtown Los Angeles on the horizon and walked towards the tall buildings. Somehow, I found my way to the police station on 6th and Maple. I remember a feeling of momentary relief; I thought, “help is near.” When I reported it to LAPD, I was subsequently slammed face down onto the hood of a patrol car, handcuffed, and driven to a hospital. How did I survive? The only thing that mattered to me was my son and daughter. Still in shock over what had transpired, all I could think about were my children; they were my inspiration to keep living. I’m sure I would have committed suicide had it not been for them. I coped with this by accepting that as a Black woman, this is my fate, so take it and move on. I convinced myself that I was ugly, undeserving of true love, and unworthy of anything good and true in my life. Those incidents that occurred in my life are what I now call the Triple “A” Effect. Acceptance, Adaptation, and Apathy. The Triple “A” Effect is a fate worse than death. The Triple “A” Effect manifested itself in strange ways. It sometimes appeared as an angel of light, a person with whom love blossoms and then withers and dies after 20 years of abuse. I accepted walking on eggshells and being in paralyzing fear. The fear associated with being stalked, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of people finding out about my weaknesses and shortcomings. I realized fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real. I couldn’t find a way out, so I accepted my fate again. After acceptance came adapting. Adapting to a racist system, adapting to poverty and what seems to be never-ending-struggling. Adapting to being an abused wife and adapting to being the low woman on the totem pole. It became normal to self-medicate to adapt to feelings of being overpowered by oppression. Over time it was easy to adapt to being a token, acting like it was ok to be treated like a piece of meat because of my physical appearance. I was treated as if I had no worth. It was easy to adapt to acting as if I didn’t have a brain because no one wanted to be around a Black female who could think. Mining The Mind

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To make matters worse, having to adapt to living the age-old requirement of keeping secrets, and the taboo about airing dirty family laundry in public silenced any hopes and dreams of evolving into anything worthwhile. The dirty laundry being grown drunken men seeking to ‘feel up’ little girls in the neighborhood and experiencing family members taking unwanted and unsolicited liberties. Unfortunately, pedophilia and incest existed then, as it does now, only then it wasn’t disclosed. In the ‘60s one didn’t speak of these things. We were told “Sssshhhhh! Mustn’t tell!” Adaptation leads to apathy, which is a half-step above death; I became a citizen of a hybrid group of people known as the ‘walking dead.’ A dead woman walking. To be dead is to be non-productive, not desiring anything. As a walking dead person, I was in a state of purgatory, not living and not caring, the poster child of depression and suppression. Living life inside of a closed trash bag, fighting to find a way out—any way out—believing that even death was better. Living in an apathetic state led to the mindset of believing I was incapable of doing better. It also led me to being in despair and allowing others to misuse and abuse me without objection. As a child I used to wish that I was somebody else, living somewhere else. I would wish I was one of the Brady Bunch girls. To wish is to express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily obtainable; to want something that cannot or probably will not happen. As a child I wished for simple and material things: living in a grand home, having more clothes, having a dad who cared, a mom that didn’t drink, and a maternal grandmother that didn’t abandon her own children who became messed-up-in-the-head adults. Wishing did not yield results, so over time, as a child, I stopped wishing. The funny thing is I never heard or learned anything substantial about God. God seemed to be this ‘entity’ floating around in space and time; something that no one sees or knows until after one dies. As time goes on, the child evolves into a totally mixed-up and messed up adult and wishing turns into faith and hope. Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). The mirror image slowly began to look a little different, displaying that twinkling light shining beyond the darkness. The awakening child wishes to experience the presence of God. Overcoming difficulty means letting go of everything I thought I knew so that I could embrace new thoughts; I needed new ideas that could grow and evolve me into the Divine vessel that God destined me to be. The most difficult challenge in my personal transformation was overcoming chronic depression and addictions to cocaine and sugar. I had 150

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been clinically diagnosed with chronic depression and though prescribed three anti-depression medications, I refused to go that route. My only alternative was to turn my all, my soul, to Almighty God, Allah. I dove headfirst into my own mind, body, and soul to understand what was and what had happened to that beautiful, idealistic person I used to be. When I discovered the root cause of my depression—substance abuse, guilt, and domestic violence–I realized that I had to take responsibility, confront my demons, and go to war with the root causes so that I could be free of them. My personal war consisted of mustering the courage to leave my abuser, praying for Allah’s forgiveness, and forgiving myself. I acknowledged that thought precedes behavior and action; I had to take ownership of that truth of my past and reverse it. Once I returned from the traumatic effects that my own thought processes and behavior caused, I asked my children for forgiveness for not being there for them. The transformation evolved because of my faith. It was faith that gave me the strength and courage to walk away from toxic relationships and situations. That takes trust in a power greater than oneself, and that known power is the presence of Allah, God. Viewing myself through God’s lens literally changed the trajectory of my life and generated a new energy, a new self-image, a new person. That newness is the Power of God. Once I learned to listen to Allah, I literally rearranged molecules in my atmosphere to make all things new in my life. Rearranging molecules means taking ownership of the power I possess to change what is in my environment. With this new ownership, I re-gained self-love, selfrespect, and honor by knowing and understanding my connection with the Creator. I stopped allowing anyone or anything to extinguish the light from within myself that was (and is) guiding me to my destiny. Remaining ever so prayerful, having faith and trust in Allah, this is what I learned, this is how I overcame. The Holy Qur’an (Surah 90, Ayat 4) states “We have certainly created man to face difficulties.” The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan teaches us that struggle is ordained. A person should never hold resentment or have regrets about their life’s experience because what happened was ordained and written before one’s physical birth. The pain I endured was birthing pains—me giving birth to a new me. I overcame it all by persevering. There are no regrets because what I endured was necessary for my growth, strength, and understanding. I have learned the greatest lessons in life are sometimes rooted in adversity. I am not the sum total of my negative experiences. All the trauma and ‘bad’ experiences were, in truth, Allah, God pouring into me, with His Golden Mining The Mind

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Chalice; His Divine Energy making me resilient so that I could exercise True Faith in the True and Living God. Life may not be a bed of roses, but it is definitely worthy of living. The bottom line is I am still standing, and Allah saw fit to keep me here for His Divine Aim and Purpose which boils down to three words: I. AM. WORTHY! I had to mine my mind and rid it of the false information I was taught to believe about myself, my life, my circumstances, and my people. I thank Allah, God, for restoring me! Arise and walk into your Divine Destiny! There is a divine aim and purpose for your life. You are being prepared for what God has already prepared for you.

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Repair Work 1. Conduct an inventory of your thoughts. This requires selfexamination. How do you view you? Delve into what you think is preventing you from being who you want to be; what you want to do. Be honest with yourself. Be willing to look at everything about yourself. For example: acknowledge your strengths as well as your weaknesses. 2. Conduct a self-analysis inventory. What did you learn about yourself? This requires self-analysis. List 5 strengths and 4 weaknesses that you have discovered about yourself. While self-examining, be honest with yourself even if it means taking responsibility for the role you may have played in your past experiences that may have had a negative result. Maximize your strengths, and strengthen your weaknesses. 3. Self-Correct. Only you know who you really are based on what you discovered in steps one and two. Self-correction is required to make the necessary changes to usher in your new reality. For example, if what you are attempting to accomplish is not yielding the results you are hoping for, then try approaching it differently. It is perfectly ok to start over until your process is perfected. Do not be ashamed to seek assistance from others. Pray and ask Allah, God to guide your path of discovering who you really are and what His purpose is for your existence. Remember you have the power to rearrange the molecules in your atmosphere and bring in a new reality for yourself and your family. Remember to allow Him to guide your feet and have faith that whatever and whoever comes along the way is the answer to that prayer.

Resources Facebook: Anessence Consulting Instagram: @mikkiray60 Podcast: Anissa Muhammad@liberatedsisters

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Chapter 22

From Sweet Nothings to Sweet Everything By: Sierra Clark

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SIERRA CLARK

Words do matter, especially the ones you say to yourself.

Sierra Clark, born in St. Petersburg, FL, is a beloved daughter, friend, servant, and light unto the world. She is brave, strong, funloving, and intuitive. Sierra is a community builder and takes great pride in being a part of the village that helps to raise children. For over 20 years, Sierra has had her hands and heart in healthcare, but she now knows it’s time to heal with her words, not just her hands. Loving others is her superpower and no matter what life dishes out, speaking from her heart is an intentional characteristic. Sierra prides herself as someone with whom others can easily open up. She guides those who feel lost and helps them find their way on life’s journey. Even as a child, people have sought her advice. She’s grateful that she was born to build people up by giving and reflecting love. Sierra Clark is on a journey to see that everyone she meets lives and learns their life’s purpose. As Sierra awakens and revives the hearts of others, she desires to show them the way from despair and struggle. She inspires those she touches to discover unique antidotes, strategies, and methods that lead to daily clarity, self-fulfillment, and wealth. She invites you and hopes you will join her on the path to spiritual awakening to discover a life you deserve.

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I am from “Be in the house before the streetlights come on” and “Children should be seen and not heard.” I am from “Drinking out of water hoses, playing red light green light, hopscotch, and kickball on hot summer days.” I am from “Picking oranges off a neighbor’s tree, going to the candy lady to get a treasure trove of penny candy, Suga Daddy’s, pickled eggs, and pineapple flips. This woman celebrated life at 104 years of age this year, still occupying this very same house!” From “All the children throughout the neighborhood coming together for a heated game of kickball, to running home crying because I fell from the monkey bars.” I am from “the smell of Super Grow and hot combs on the burner the day before Easter Sunday.” I am from “make sure you have clean underwear on while wearing a pair of shorts under your skirt.” I am from “the undiscussed family trauma, where it’s easier to point the finger, forgetting there are three pointing back at you.” I am from “picking your switch from the bush, buckets of bleach water to clean baseboards, and dusting all the whatnots in the house.” I am from “the enjoyment of Saturday morning cartoons.” I am from “picnics under the oak tree with all my little cousins while we eat sweet blue crab with garlic butter dripping down our chin.” I am from “the challenges of dyslexia and being forced into an 156

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achievement gap.” I am from “being made fun of, picked on, and teased. My uniqueness was made to make me feel like a handicap, not a superpower!” I am from “sitting in a classroom that taught nothing of my culture, my identity or my proud lineage of kings and queens.” I am from “non-verbal cues and knowing my place when in church.” I am from “A hard head makes a soft behind,” while good nights consist of pallets on the floor. “ I am from “this is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you, while what’s unspoken and unlearned can kill a tree at its roots. My grandmother instilled that you don’t fight family because we will need each other.” I am from “you better eat whatever is on your plate, sharing bath water, washing clothes out on the porch, and hanging clothes on the line. “ I am from “pulling weeds, edging flower beds, circuit breaker being tripped ensuring we were quiet and all lights off when it was thundering and lighting.” I am from “where Elnora, a city girl meets Hugh Burgess, a soldier from Belize, and they knew it was much more than a hunch, my grandparents!” I am from “where weekends and summer vacations at grandmas turned into home.” At the ripe age of nine, I learned that my parents were not my birth parents. This information was not just confusing but life-altering for a little girl who already had an identity crisis and felt like she didn’t belong. Everything changed around me, but more so in me. The flood of whatever was in my heart ran down my cheeks. I had questions I was afraid even to ask. The little being in me remembers a child was to be seen and not heard. I pretended I was just fine on the surface since that’s the part of me that had to do the talking. My pretense was so convincing; it felt as if I won my first star on Hollywood for that performance. The adult me now knows things that are covered up don’t heal well, if at all. As a child, I could see and comprehend things the adults faced. I was beyond my years, my grandmother would say. But because I was in the body that matched a child, adults found it hard to take advice from me. As a little girl, I was different from the people around me, young and old. In fact, their From Sweet Nothings to Sweet Everything

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reaction to what felt so natural to me made me aware of this. I just accepted the hand dealt to me. I was teased, questioned, and laughed at for the things that felt so natural. I would go around picking up trash, doing intentional things to bring smiles to those around me. I searched for ways to help make life easier for others. It just felt like the right thing to be doing. Shouldn’t this be the intention we have for others, regardless of our relationship to them, whether they are little human beings or not? With a made-up mind, I finally decided enough was enough. I was sick of my mess and tired of going around the mountain of uncertainty. I was tired of feeling controlled by everything, including myself. Nothing changes until I do, so I made up my mind and said, “today…. not anytime, but NOW!” I was doing more than turning a page. I was affording myself the chance to no longer wonder how my life would be. Realizing that although I had no say in the cards life dealt, I had complete control of how I played my hand. It was now my shot to call! It was like I went from only having the ability to view basic channels to having access to all TV channels, including the premium ones. I only had to get rid of the limiting belief in myself. I’ve learned to get out and stay out of my way. I no longer allowed myself to be controlled and gave myself a chance for these emotions to be opportunities and not hardships, heartbreaks, or disappointments. I’ve also learned that my destiny doesn’t care about my feelings, only about what is real. In other words, you have facts about life, like your parent’s name, the color of your eyes, how tall you are, things of that nature. Then you have TRUTHS about your life, such as the gifts and talents that only you have. You don’t get to choose who your family is, but know God created you with a purpose and great intention. You are much stronger than you look, and what is inside you is far greater than anything in the world. The lies I believed about myself resulted from the belief I had about my biological parents. If they didn’t stay around to love me, then no one else ever would. It even stopped me from loving myself. It was time to face some hard truths and swallow some hard pills. Now that I had the knowledge of self, which watered my love of self, turned into the respect of self. I could no longer be the old version of myself. I knew I had the self-control to change my narrative and the remote to interrupt my thoughts. I reactivated that natural internal place I remember being in as a child, and I wasn’t allowing anything from today or my past to disconnect me ever again. I transformed how I communicated with myself. 158

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I can still hear myself whisper, “I can’t,” but I immediately tell myself. “Yes, I can!” The words you speak have a way of impacting and shaping the reality in which we live and how we perceive the world. What you tell yourself will be reflected in everything you see, think, and do. In the same way, what your heart does with your blood. It’s pumped throughout the entire body, so when the heart is affected, your whole body is affected. That’s the same for your mindset. One stinky thought can disrupt the path to your destiny. You cannot allow this precious space to be disrupted by anyone or anything. Your words add color and function as a paintbrush. Allow your thoughts to create a picture that influences the phenomenal life YOU WILL LIVE. No matter what you are currently experiencing, no matter where you are in life, no matter what experiences are imprinted on your inner self, it is YOU who holds the master key that will unlock all the mysteries of who you are. “To truly experience life, we must look beyond these shared preconceptions which hold us back. We must focus on our unique view, which functions as a paintbrush, adding color and creating a picture representing our authentic self. Then we begin to see the picture, and it slowly influences how we live—and this changes everything.” You have the right to do this with every incident and situation life presents regardless of who or where it comes. Transform those sweet nothings into sweet every things.

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Repair Work 1. Disrupt your mindset and CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. The next time you hear something that triggers or bothers you, immediately ask yourself why and question the intent behind what you heard. Ask yourself, “Why did that bother me?” Change the script and decide whether you play the victim or hero in your own story. 2. Disrupt your thoughts and CHANGE THE PICTURE. If something negative happens to you, wait a few moments before reacting, and then write down what the situation is trying to teach you. How can this situation help you grow, or could you have done better? Decide to look at the situation differently. 3. Disrupt your words and CHANGE WHAT YOU MANIFEST. Speak to yourself with love, patience, and grace daily. Witness the magic in the power of words. Welcome everything around you and match the verbal frequency you now use to communicate to yourself. Allow yourself to speak up finally. Breaking your silence and deciding what you manifest will be freeing.

Resources My website: www.itsaheartthang.life My Podcast: www.anchor.fm/sierra-clark9

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Chapter 23

Dark Clouds Don’t Last Always By: Bahiyyah Sadiki

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BAHIYYAH SADIKI

“There is a light at the end of EVERY tunnel.” -Bahiyyah Sadiki One of nine children and the youngest of four girls, Bahiyyah Sadiki, was born on August 8, 1952, in Brunswick, Georgia. She is a teacher at Pace Alternative School in Pinellas County, Florida. She taught Science at Gibbs High School for 12 years, Kennedy Middle School for five years, and Life and Earth Science for five years in Houston, Texas, before relocating to Clearwater, Florida. She holds a bachelor's and master’s degree in geology from Florida State University. After working there for Exxon as an exploration geologist, she then proceeded to get her educational certification from the University of Houston. She is married to Wilmore Sadiki, Imam of the St. Petersburg Islamic Center. Together they have 15 adult children and a combined total of 27 grandchildren. Bahiyyah has spent most of her life involved in community education projects, directing summer camps, tutoring, mentoring, and counseling youth. She is a fitness guru, having run three full marathons, ten half marathons, and countless other races. She teaches up to four Zumba fitness classes a week. Her mission is to service all in her sphere to help create a better world for all humanity.

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y story is one of courage, tenacity, and faith. I was born in Brunswick, Georgia, a small town that segues into the beautiful coastal islands of Jekyll and Saint Simons. My ancestors' place of enslavement was 18 miles north of Brunswick, the Howfyl plantation, which is now a Georgia historic site. Even though my family and I visit there as tourists, we can never forget our ancestors were held there in bondage. When I was 16, I recall my mother standing at the stove frying some whiting fish, and I said to her, after taking a deep breath and feeling the cornbread becoming increasingly more difficult to swallow, “Mom, I am pregnant.” (I told myself to breathe.) I tried. I also tried to look out of the curtainless window for a ray of light, but only dark clouds stared back at me. She turned slowly to me and said, “Yea, I know.” I wanted her to console me, hug me, and say something soothing, but she only said,” So what do you plan to do?” Plan? I didn’t plan when it happened; I was messing around, flirting, and having fun until this happened. I said the words that I knew would take some of the hurt and dismay off her face, “I think we are going to get married.” She looked older. She looked hurt as she turned around to turn the fish over in the oversized black frying pan. I knew I was the golden child in my family from my mom’s perspective. She enjoyed telling her sisters and neighbors that my PSAT scores were one of the highest in the 10th-grade class. She smiled when she talked about my all A-honor roll status. I was the vice-president of the student council, a hospital Pinafore student, and captain of the cheerleaders. Her bragging on me, I’m sure, was a personal delight of hers that she kept to herself. My other three sisters already had babies and unsuccessful relationships; now, I have joined their ranks.

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The look on my mother’s face, coupled with the dark clouds in the sky, would stay with me for a long time to come. My beautiful son was born, and I soon learned that no students just having a baby could return to school in the upcoming year. That dismal truth hit and hurt me to my core. It was a hard and fast rule that administrators did not break. So, my free time was spent with regret and shame, and unfortunately, just enough time for me to get pregnant again. Now with another baby on the scene, I’m only 18 years old; still at home with my firstborn, I knew I had to have a plan and a good one. I worked at the shrimp factory from 5 am to 2 pm, then a part-time job doing laundry at the Island resorts. The positions allowed me and my not much older husband to get a ‘shotgun house’ on Albany street. Shotgun houses were a style of homes considered the ‘colored quarters,’ small and narrow, not quite accommodating for a family of four. I knew I had to work hard if I was ever to see my mom’s secret look of pride that she once had for me. So, I was up with the babies every morning before 5 am, having them dressed and walking them to the sitter before I had to be out on the sidewalk to catch a ride to the shrimp factory. My life was a far cry from those days being in the principal’s office for another award or heading to the game with my cute cheerleader outfit, being with my friends, or just hanging out after basketball games being silly. I soon realized there was no redoing the ‘little girl’ path I lived on less than two years ago. I watched my classmates and best friends go off to college. I avoided seeing or hearing from any of them. I even avoided my mother’s disappointed looks and tried never to borrow money for anything like keeping the lights on. I finally conceded that taking the GED (General Education Development) test was my best and only route if I would ever get to the next level. I had no idea what the nearest college looked like or how I would get there, but it was not an option; I had to get my GED. My husband, who did not seem like a husband to me since I had not planned to be an adult at sixteen, suggested or instead insisted we move to Southwest Georgia, where “his people” lived. I did not want to leave my hometown even though I was in an environment where there was no support system for additional mouths to feed, much less any other basic needs that may arise. My mother could not give me what she did not have or know to rescue me from this disastrous situation. Before leaving, there were no hugs, which God knows I needed before hopping in that car to leave my hometown. 164

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As we drove away and the children slept cozily in the back seat, my husband could hear my sniffles. I had no conversation, just disappointing regret for leaving my ‘momma.’ He knew I was not ready to comply with living ‘up in the country’ with his people. He asked me to stop crying as we neared the area of thick green Georgia woods with no lights, paved streets, or houses. He made an unexpected executive decision he thought would seal the deal with me being okay to relocate. He pulled over on the side of the road and got me out of the car, away from the earshot and eyesight of the kids. He proceeded to shake me by my shoulders harshly and dictated the mandates of what I was going to do. “One, you are going to stay up here with my family and me; two, you are going to call your mom and tell her that you are all right and not to worry about you.” I simply replied, “Yes.” I remember the dark skies above the canopy of the green trees, and I remember a knowingness within. Something about me and those clouds… Months later, I am in survival mode. I feel if it is to be, it’s up to me. Within months, I had gone from working full-time in the garment sewing factory to attending classes in the newly built community college. So, Monday through Friday, I was up at 6 am, getting my babies to the childcare center, going to school, taking a 12-hour course load, majoring in Geology, and working four hours part-time at the sewing factory after school. I returned to our trailer home by 6 pm to cook, clean, study for exams, and, of course, prepare for the next day. I was focused and determined. I even took my babies to the library and Geology lab, of which I was given full domain as the teacher’s assistant. After two solid years of this routine, I was informed by the Dean of Southwest Community College that I was not only an honor student, but I also had the highest GPA of all the other students (mostly who were teens just out of high school) in my graduating class. Now, I saw the small glimmer of light I had been longing to see from that dark cloud. I was invincible, focused, and honed in on my individual goals from that point on. I was like an eagle on its prey! Three years later, I am attending Florida State University, presenting my master’s degree project before the staff for a pass-fail option. I am not only an honor student in Geology and the only African American in the Department of Geology, but I have offers from Exxon, Chevron, and Amoco waiting on me to start immediately. Moreover, my mother is waiting to hear my results in the next room. I came out of the room and shouted, “I passed!” I now have a master’s degree in Geology from Florida State University. I know my mom knew very little about the lengthy presentation and complex terminology used in that room, but what I saw on her face was the long-awaited soft-like Dark Clouds Don’t Last Always

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look I missed and desired so much. Finally, the disappointed look from the past was replaced and accompanied by a huge hug, which spoke volumes. I looked up, and the building contained only a ceiling. I did not need to confirm the look of the physical clouds on this day because, in my heart, I knew that the dark clouds from my struggles beginning some ten years ago had rescinded, lending proof to my belief that “Dark Clouds Don’t Last Always.” You are the game-changer of your life. God makes a way for those who have a noble, worthy cause.

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Repair Work 1. Find someone in your community you can trust to help and direct you. Don't be afraid to ask for help or guidance. It is important for you to partner with someone for assistance. It may be as simple as accepting a ride to work, some food, or assistance in some other way. Be open to this, and it will show up for you and help make your journey through struggles easier to bear. Sometimes we are embarrassed and ashamed of our predicament, but trust me, everyone has struggled, which makes them more prone to help rather than denounce you. 2. Take Care of Yourself -Be honest about your self-care needs. Self-care was at one time linked with being selfish. Don’t allow that cliché to operate within your mind. Self-care should never show up in cookie-cutter mode, so seek and try out what works for you. For example, take a long bath at the end of a weary day, light a candle or play some soft music just for you. 3. You are Powerful, and You are Creative -Don’t downplay your tenacity. You are much more capable and powerful than you think. Your ability to ‘create on a dime’ generates from trust, and that trust comes from knowing your ancestors are here to promote you on to the higher grounds you are virtuously and honestly seeking. Meditating, walking in grassy areas, or communing with nature are ways to connect to your creativity, and you’ll be surprised at what ideas come to mind.

Resources My website: Achievers By Choice Instagram: @Bahiyyah Sadiki

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Chapter 24

Patience Strengthens Love By: June X Wilson

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JUNE X WILSON

“Patience is a virtue acquired from within.”

June X Wilson is an aspiring Family and Marriage Therapist, diligent member of The Nation of Islam, and a dedicated single mother of two beautiful daughters. She loves being around high-energy vibrations and positive minds. She has several years of experience in nursing and the corporate world and is a natural organizer, analyzer, and problem solver. She is passionate about her mission to motivate and inspire women and girls to be their authentic selves. She can be found pursuing her passion while protecting their virtue and helping them know their worth.

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hen my sister and I were young, we moved from Los Angeles County to San Bernardino County in sunny Southern California. My mother and biological dad were separated, so my mother, sister, and I embarked on our new journey together. I was excited about a new place in a new city, and our school was right across the street. Our new place was a massive apartment complex, so a social butterfly like me could flutter around, make new friends, and learn about their siblings, pets, parents, and favorite colors. My dear mother was very structured and disciplined! All I can say is, “Geesh!’ We were taught to be respectful, patient, grateful, clean, and we had a regularly scheduled bedtime. My sister and I were well-cared for, and we wore clothes tailor-made by our mother. She would also sew her clothes. My mother was a stickler for making sure we never went outside to play unless we had pressed clothes on and our hair combed. We were genuinely grateful children and extremely happy for anything we were given. While getting to know my new friends, I learned that most of their fathers were not present in the home. There were lots of single women with their children in this environment. I didn’t see happily married couples like my mother and biological dad once were. If you’re wondering how I knew that, it’s because I was an inquisitive, lively child, and I would play outside all day long. Everyone soon began to call me “radio-video” because I would not miss anything, and I would report everything to my mother. My mother stayed at home most of the time unless we went on a grocery or department store adventure. We stayed outside all day running, laughing, walking on the high walls, playing jump rope and hopscotch, having the time of our lives. When it rained and we had to stay indoors, our mother told us to read or create something. As our protector, my mother made sure we knew 170

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the rules - we did not go into anyone's house, she did not want anyone in our house, we did not eat outside, there was no running in and out, and we did not go past building “B.” However, the complex had six buildings, A through F. Lastly, we had to be in by sunset. If I stayed out 1 minute past sunset, she would send my big sister April to get me. “Momma said, “Come in the house, June. You are in trouble.“ Sunset was dinner time, where we were fed homecooked meals every night, whether they were scrumptious or not. My mother’s baby sister, Auntie Slim, was like a beautiful, vibrant, joyous song in our eyes, and she would light up a room with her high energy. She was like consistent sweet honey, and we were like bees whenever she was around. She loved us up with lots of hugs, kisses, and affirming who we were and could become. My dear mother was strong-willed and never showed stress. Though she never gave us hugs and kisses, we knew our mother loved herself and us. We knew she needed special love too. My Auntie Slim introduced my mother to her father-in-law, who would bring us huge bags of popcorn that were taller than we were. From our perspective, he was very friendly, and my mother soon married this patient, kind-hearted, happy, music-loving man. We saw the new sparkle in my mother’s eyes because of this new man in her world. He had four grown children and approximately six grandchildren, two of whom were my blood cousins. His smooth black skin and jet-black curly hair showed no signs of being a grandpa. Before they married, he would drive from Compton to visit my mother, and we would talk his ears off with our ongoing curiosity. He was extremely patient with us. He loved to listen to Jazz and R&B all day. Once they married, we were proud to tell our cousins, “I am now your aunt.” My cousins certainly were not buying that notion at all. The aunt card didn’t work for my sister and me. We thought it was super cool that my mother married my cousin's grandfather, and it expanded our blood family with an extended family with whom we were already familiar. As our family progressed, our parents asked us what we would like to call our new Father - Pops or Dad? They gave us a day to think it over. This was a fun task for my sister and me as we had never had this experience before. We both said Pops because his children called him Dad, and we also call our biological dad the same. Pops asked my mother to throw all the pork away in the household, as we would eat canned pork and beans a lot. Pops then gave my mother money to replace the food with beef and chicken. Of course, we wanted to know why, so I asked Pops, “What is wrong with pork?” He took pork sausage outside on a hot summer day. He took it out Patience Strengthens Love

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to a pillar in front of the apartments and said, “We will wait a few hours.” Time passed, and soon little white worms were coming out. He said, “See, these are trichina worms. Do you want those in your body or brain?” I exclaimed, ``No way”. He always taught us something directly or indirectly, things we had never heard. He taught us that pork is forbidden. We had to make many adjustments, including wearing long robes around the house with our pajamas; we stayed covered in front of Pops. Once at the dinner table, very early into their marriage, my mother said, “These girls are not to be violated and taken advantage of.” However awkward this was, I knew she was protecting the innocence of her daughters. Though our mother was a homebody and our new father a socialite, they created an outstanding balance. Pops would take us to his children's house for his grandchildren's birthday parties, where we had loads of fun. Auntie Slim would be there with my two cousins. His family welcomed us with open arms. We would go to air shows at the air force base, cookouts in the summer, and much more. Mother would stay home most of the time, which meant she trusted her husband. My parents would go out periodically together, and we would stay back once we grew into teenagers. Of course, we wanted to go, but time for them was needed too, so we understood. My parents would alternate and drive us to visit our biological dad on weekends, maybe once a month. My paternal grandfather was the reverend at a Baptist church, and my grandmother was the first lady. When we visited them, we were in church all-day Sunday, ending the day with a congregational dinner with all the church members. My dad would never attend; however, my grandparents were delighted when we were present. My biological dad lived in a back house behind my grandparents, and he suffered from the disease of alcoholism. We usually would only see him perhaps one time, briefly, during our weekend visits. My Grandmother was just as protective as my mother and would not allow us to leave with my dad because of his dis-ease, so we could only walk to the store to get candy with him. That was about it. As we matured into young adulthood, my sister and I spoke with one of pop's grown children, who expressed to us that they never received that side of their father. We asked her to elaborate, and she explained that their father was not present for every event like he was for us. “He was present for you all at a young age and helped you both evolve,” she stated. This was not a comfortable conversation; however, it may have been necessary. We showed empathy towards her for expressing her perception of her father. We explained to her how grateful we were to have a father that took us further in our growth. 172

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After reflecting on our lives as a family unit, I realize that I learned many lessons in the process. It is imperative to keep your heart and mind on the goal of having a healthy and balanced family. You need not be perfect but healthy - spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Avoid favoritism and deal with any issues that arise with freedom, justice, and equality regardless of any differences. Exist in truth and righteousness with total respect for one another. Be trustworthy and interact with each family member with integrity, I did not give my parents the proper respect, humility, and love they were due growing up. This was especially true for Pops. I begged for his forgiveness for all my ill-treatment towards him over the years. Pops said, “Don’t worry about it,” but it was vital for me to let him know I had grown to realize how I was wrong. I was disrespectful and unpleasant in interactions with him for no apparent reason. Every time we looked up, Pops was there to support us. I was embarrassed for my behavior and grateful for this beautiful man placed in our lives. After a while, we grew to where we were all patient with one another through numerous trials and tribulations. This helped aid stronger bonds and more profound love in our family. I eventually thanked Pops for helping teach and train us how to be morally right. He taught us who Allah (God) is, how to dress, how to treat people, protect ourselves, and see ourselves in Allah’s (God’s) creation. Our two parents working together for the whole family unit was not perfect but amazing. We learned from each other, uplifted each other, and became a Healthy Family Unit that exuded love through endless patience.

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Repair Work 1. Trust the process. Be rational and discuss openly what this bonding process as a family will look like. Draft a written agreement and state that you will work together and not allow anyone outside the home to make comments about the family unit. Have regular meetings to discuss your progress. 2. Be adaptable, embrace change and be willing to receive love, guidance, and criticism from both parents. Sit together to define each person’s role, whether in or outside the home (i.e., additional parents). Agree to accept and offer feedback for the good of the whole. Have regularly scheduled family meetings to do this. 3. Find the good qualities of all parents and family members in the home. Embrace the goodness of one another. Sit together and make each person list the other family members’ good qualities. Spend time together sharing these lists and the attributes with each other. 4. Parents need adult time together. Have scheduled activities together as a family, but schedule a monthly date for parents only!

Resources My Social Media: @justjunex

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Chapter 25

Breaking Silence By: Nakia Frazier

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NAKIA FRAZIER

“Love & heal from within; the rest will follow.”

Nakia Frazier is a proud mother of two and grandmother of three. Owner of Divine Soul Catering and Events LLC, cooking is her absolute passion. The family has always been her top priority and being God-fearing and headstrong are her vital attributes. She’s also a teacher at an Adult Day Training facility for adults with disabilities. Her goal is to tap into her inner greatness and spirituality on all levels, so she can help bring back the love, communication, and trust families need. Commanding back all power and healing inside out is necessary to become whole.

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Breaking Silence

he molestation and rape I experienced as a young child took so much power from me. Mine, like many families, had a “Don’t tell, keep it in the family” code. A family member had me fondle myself repeatedly in his presence when I was eleven and stole my innocence. My inability to talk about what happened resulted in rage and anger. My elementary years were never the same after that. I carry invisible scars and bruises that will never vanish from my heart or soul! Years later, when I was 14 and at a friend’s house, I was raped. I carried that pain along with embarrassment and guilt, so I never told a soul until I became an adult. The violations changed my outlook on life completely. Our “It stays with the family” code continued to plague me and led to another incident with a family member’s boyfriend. This time I was older and able to protect myself. I didn’t stand for it. When I told what occurred, I was treated as if I “asked” for what would have happened had I not taken control of the situation. There was no concern for whether I was ok. They only wanted to know who I had told about what happened. My mother was my only ally, the only one who came to my defense at the time. She had no idea about the earlier violations. I was older now, so it broke her heart when I told her what happened to me as a child and teenager. I didn’t tell her before because I didn’t want her in prison for the rest of her life. I know that’s what would have happened if I had said anything back then, so I kept quiet. My siblings and I had no one else; our fathers were not there, only her! Though I was broken, sad, and alone, I didn’t blame her for any of those experiences. She did everything in her power to protect us, and I would never fault her for what happened. She was and still is a phenomenal mother! My life spiraled out of control. I was afraid and alone. I became invisible, Breaking Silence

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and I felt unloved. I blamed myself, wondering what I had done to create this, so I began to dress to appear less attractive or desirable. I lived recklessly and settled for lust because I had no clue what love was until I became a teenage mom. I turned to men and women for comfort, seeking the love and fulfillment that was taken from me so long ago. I was scorned, judged, and criticized by family members, even still today. Unfortunately, the incidents I shared and others like them have torn our family apart. After becoming a mom, protecting my children was a no-brainer. I always kept a watchful eye, and I stressed to them to never keep anything from me, no matter how wrong or embarrassing it may seem to be. It is essential to pay attention to all signs and watch how your children may act around family members or any adults for that matter. Perhaps if I had not been afraid to speak up, things would have been different for my family and me, but unfortunately, that’s not my story. Though we lived with the secrets, I love the thought of family! While our family gatherings were sometimes the scene of the “crimes,” they were what seemed to keep us together. Grandma, or Big Mama as we called her, was the backbone of our family, and when she died, everything changed drastically. Family gatherings seemed to become a thing of the past. Big Mama fought hard to keep us all together, but there’s some healing needed for my mother, aunts, and uncles so we can bring back those Walton gatherings we once shared. They deserve to free their minds of childhood trauma, as I’m working so desperately to do. We first must admit we are hurt and want help and want to heal. We must decide that we want to forgive and move on from the pain and trauma that keeps us from adequately loving each other. My Aunt Patricia was a perfect example of strength and dedication. She kept us in line with school and taught us to stick together. She said your family bond is everything, don’t lose sight of it! My goal is to never give up on family despite our differences and past hurts. Sincere healing and growing together is what I crave for my family. My pain caused me to selfishly say, “I have my family I created, and that’s good enough for me.” I realize it’s not. I need and love my extended family. I want us to recognize and fix what’s broken inside us individually, one step at a time, and then we can heal collectively. Family is the POWER. I wish I had sought counseling earlier to help deal with panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. Somehow, I managed by saying, “I’m OK,” but I’m not OK. Battling depression gets hard while maintaining a business, working, 178

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and caring for children and grandchildren, but I’m determined to recover that part of me that was so severely damaged. Though I’m not healed, I’m in the healing process. I’m on the healing journey. I often ask myself where I would be if not for a praying grandmother and mother. I don’t need to wonder because their prayers got me through. I’m still here to tell the story and create a new reality. In the years I have left, I’m determined to heal and do all I can to help my family heal. Family can heal, rekindle, and restore. All it takes is acknowledgment, willingness, and forgiveness. The past doesn’t have to define the future or outcome once you’re all on the same accord. I’m making it my duty to reach out, take time, host gatherings, and never miss a holiday without seeing and loving the family that God gave me. Be blessed and remember “F.A.M.I.L.Y” Father and Mother, I Love You! Despite what you’ve gone through, you are a winner! Know that you’re strong, brilliant, vibrantly fabulous, and unique. Decide - No more selfdamage or self-inflicted pain. You want better, so do better. Start living for yourself now. Understand you are the assignment, so when it’s all said and done, you’ll ace every chapter of your life.

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Repair Work 1. Free yourself of resentment, guilt, embarrassment, and defeat! Speak words of positive affirmations into the atmosphere. Surrender all frustrations and negativity. Declare healing of the mind, body, soul, and thoughts daily. Seek help immediately if you have suicidal thoughts that may invade your mind. 2. Practice self-love. Exhale, breathe, relax, and let go! Take chances, go on trips, and live unapologetically! Meditate, exercise, bike ride, skate, read a book, spend the day at the spa, walk on the beach, journal, or have quiet time with yourself without any interruptions. 3. Smile often. Look at yourself in the mirror with a big smile and say, “Hello gorgeous, Hello handsome!” Practice smiling at everyone you see. When you smile, the world will smile back at you!

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Chapter 26

Financial Peace: Steps to Great Credit By: Diamond Brown

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DIAMOND BROWN

You don’t have to be great to get started. You just have to get started so that you can one day be great. Fix what you're ashamed of and watch how much easier life becomes for you. -Diamond Brown Diamond Brown was born and raised in St. Petersburg, Florida. She is 27 years old and the mother of 5-year-old Andrew. True to her name, Diamond is a strong, powerful overcomer who excels despite any pressure. As a serial entrepreneur, she has owned multiple businesses over the past three years. Diamond is a hairstylist, tax preparer, and Airbnb investor. She offers business mentoring to help small business owners structure their businesses properly while leading them to establish business credit and their first five net 30 accounts or lines of credit up to $150,000. She also provides financial documents to those in need.

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Financial Peace: Steps to Great Credit

t all started when I was four years old. I was involved in a near-fatal car accident when ejected from a Hyundai Accent, causing severe brain injury and a broken femur bone. I was left in a coma, and my parents didn’t know if I would live or die. I had to learn how to walk again. I had low self-esteem, and I wanted to take my own life because kids picked on me every day. They would throw balled-up paper at me and call me “paper head” because of the scar that covered my forehead. I felt like I was an ugly kid, so I hated school. I hated wearing shorts because my peers would make fun of the scars on my leg, so I got my first tattoo when I was 12 years old. There was so much that I had to overcome in my life to be the person that I am today. I believe the accident strained my relationship with my mother. I don’t think she knew how to forgive herself because she was at fault. I often felt like she took that frustration or guilt out on me. She called me “her oldest idiot.” My childhood experiences also affected my parenting, which was based on my relationship with my mother. I couldn’t help but notice a correlation between my relationship with my mother and how my relationship with my son was playing out. I realized there was a disconnection between my son and me. I would find myself easily frustrated with him and aggressive in the same way she was with me. I have always had a passion for helping others change their lives by showing them how to handle their finances. This passion began when I was 14. My parents took good care of me, but I always wanted more out of life. I worked as a caregiver at an assisted living facility providing personal services to residents needing help with daily living activities. My desire for more turned into helping people in my community complete resumes for employment. This led to hundreds of people finding great jobs and careers. Financial Peace: Steps to Great Credit

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I did that for about seven years until I landed a job at Bay Pines VA Medical Center as an advanced medical support assistant. I loved my job and could not imagine working anywhere else. I had to resign from Bay Pines, VA, due to unresolved issues, and after I lost my job, I had the most challenging time finding employment. I applied to places I knew I should and could get hired, but they never called back. I couldn’t understand why. My son’s father was doing a five-year sentence during this time, so I couldn’t rely on him. I was so broke; I could not pay my rent. I remember days I had to decide whether to put gas in my car or eat. I wasn’t receiving food stamps, and I lost all my friends. I was in a severe state of depression. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. On top of all of this, I dealt with people trying to diminish my character on social media. It was just too much on me at one time. I called a family friend one day and asked if she had any positions available. I feared she would not hire me because perhaps she knew what people were saying about me. Fortunately, I was wrong. I worked for her for about two months, and one night, I had a dream that I was a millionaire and a businesswoman. I couldn’t tell the type of business it was, but I saw that dream so vividly. I watched my stepdad sell drugs, so I knew if I needed to make money, and my back was against the wall what I could do, so I started selling drugs to provide for my child and me. My dad saw me at a gas station one day. He looked at me in my eyes and said,” Baby, I hope you are not doing what I think you’re doing. This is not you. You will end up in jail if you don’t stop today.” I was so scared I couldn’t believe my dad was even saying those things to me. A week later, I got pulled over and saw that as a sign from God. I pulled up to a sewer and threw all my drugs away. At the time, I was so confused, but I took a leap of faith and decided to become a full-time entrepreneur. I did not know why God was pulling me away from corporate America. I had gone through so much, literally having to sleep in an apartment with no electricity—getting my license suspended because I couldn’t make my insurance payment and losing over 100 pounds because I couldn’t afford to eat some nights. I knew something had to give. I was at a crossroads. I knew that I was “chosen,” but things do not come to you easily just because you are “chosen.” You still must struggle. At the time, I did not see God, and I thought things would get worse, but God had a bigger purpose for me. I know He wanted to use me. I knew I wanted to help people more. I started up my credit repair company to educate individuals about the 184

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importance of credit and financial literacy. My mission in life is to educate the community on the importance of financial literacy and why credit is so important. The importance of good credit isn’t something taught in schools, so I want to serve and lead the community by teaching people not to be ashamed or afraid of their current financial situation. Unfortunately, some parents in the Black community, including mine, feel they can steal their child’s identity and use it to get credit. I and some of my peers didn’t have a chance to mess up our own credit, and by the time we turned 18, it was already ruined. By the time I was 18, I was in debt with a terrible credit history. I couldn’t get my first apartment because my credit was horrible, so I had to get a place with my cousin. It was very hard living with bad credit. We were young, and we didn’t know how to save. I didn’t understand the importance of credit or saving because it was never taught. My rent was $723, so my cousin and I split the bills 50/50 and lived paycheck to paycheck. I struggled for a very long time until I needed a car one day. The one I owned had over 200,000 miles with a lot of problems. Because I had a low credit score, getting approved in my name wasn't easy. Even though my mom messed up my credit, she nor my father believed in cosigning. Many can attest to having to fix your credit although you didn’t mess it up directly. I had to figure out how I was going to get reliable transportation. I had a good friend at the time who had previously sold me a car, and I knew I wanted to use him again if I ever needed another vehicle. I called him one day looking for a car, and he told me that he was no longer in the industry and had sold his dealerships. He told me he was now involved in the credit repair industry and suggested that I repair mine because of my current credit history. When we met, I instantly noticed something different about him. He looked prosperous, and immediately, I was inspired. He explained the services he provided and asked if I was interested in an income opportunity. The ideas of helping people change their lives, teaching them the importance of financial literacy, and referring them to resources to get their credit fixed resonated with me. I was interested, especially when he said I could get my credit repaired for free and make money simultaneously. It was a no-brainer, so I said, “Yes!” I worked with a multi-level marketing company helping hundreds of people change their lives and improve their finances. A year ago, I decided to start my own credit repair business while teaching others the importance of financial literacy and helping them improve their credit. Diamond’s Luxury Financial Peace: Steps to Great Credit

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Credit, LLC. now does $10,000 residually every 30 days. I would love to help 100s more people and families change their life this year. Today my credit score is 748, and I am now a homeowner. I purchased my first home this year In Ruskin, Florida. You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new one. Nothing is impossible. The word itself says, ‘I’m possible!'

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Repair Work 1. Overcome despite any setback. Expect difficulty. Accept that it is a part of life. Recognize your strengths and write them down one by one. Look at yourself in the mirror and declare that you are an overcomer! 2. What others think of you is none of your business. Commit to being the best person you can be. Honestly assess any character flaws (gossiping, judging others, cheating, breaking the law, etc.) and decide to change them. Know that you are great and value your opinion of yourself more than you value others’ opinions. 3. Determine your financial future. What is your credit score? Order your credit report to have a copy of everything reporting negatively. Take yourself into a space and create an action plan to increase it. Order a planning notebook or planning calendar, write down specific steps on what you want to achieve financially or when your bills are due. Write them down and review them on a comparative month-tomonth basis. Pay your bills on time.

Resources My website : www.diamondsluxuryfinancialservices.com Facebook: Diamond S Brown Instagram : Diamond_browncreditrepair

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Chapter 27

You, Your Health and Your Family By: Alfredo Zapata

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ALFREDO ZAPATA

“Listen to your body and help it, so you can live fully.”

Alfredo Zapata is a current resident and native of Mexico City, Mexico. He is a nutritionist, fitness coach, author, and loving husband and father of two children. After graduation in the late ‘80s, Alfredo moved to Los Angeles, California, for several years. For the past 30 years, he has been studying unconventional techniques to maintain the body’s physical and mental performance. He has also worked with athletes, television executives, celebrities, seniors, families, and professional boxers for the last nine years. His mission is to inspire individuals and families to live healthier from the inside out. Alfredo’s programs are tailored to fit the lifestyle of your family members. He suggests using simple and effective methods that guarantee tangible results like improved body posture, healthier eating habits, and increased physical activities.

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emories from my six-year-old self inspire my mission. I had an incredible desire to be someone, feel worthy, and be useful. I was a very inquisitive child who demanded explanations of the “why’s” in life. I had a habit of asking questions, and I also loved exercise. These two things - a desire to learn and be healthy - fueled my passion and profession today. Time after time, I have seen many families and individuals struggling in several areas, most commonly with their health. I remember doing that when I was younger because of not having enough information about health and fitness from my family. I believe being healthy should be a natural part of an overall lifestyle. Living a healthy lifestyle helps prevent chronic diseases and long-term illnesses. Feeling good about yourself and taking care of your health is paramount to your self-esteem and self-image. Knowing the different body types is essential, as this will make a difference in your nutrition and body needs. Coming to the United States from Mexico with different eating habits and food preferences like mole, tacos, sopes, tamales, pozole has been an incredible journey. I had to learn a new way to eat. The popular foods were hamburgers, pizza, fried chicken, cereals, milk types, and different flavors of everything. Though I had many options, my discipline and established fitness lifestyle enabled me to fight the temptations of all the unhealthy food choices. Even with all our established good eating habits, it was like starting from zero. We knew we had to make some changes. As a Mexican man married to an Asian woman, we needed to adjust and increase the awareness of the food we ate, a mix of Asian and Mexican cuisines. Before our first son was born, we decided to have several studies done based on our background and the possibility of genetic challenges on my wife’s side of the family. I was very concerned about my wife and child due to the tests. Eventually, my son was 190

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born by c-section, and at the age of three, he was diagnosed with Autism. At that point, everything changed. We were newly married, our lifestyle was officially changing, and it was about to change even more. Leonardo was growing up like a normal kid, and at the age of three, we noticed some changes in his behavior. The doctor evaluated him and didn't notice anything abnormal. We decided to go to a specialist who diagnosed him with Autism. Our initial thought was, “what were we going to do?” After many days of questioning why this happened to us, I realized that we needed to think differently during our struggle and then make a paradigm shift. We became focused on how we thought things should be, increasing our faith and looking for professional help to learn the best way of approaching this new chapter of our lives. We needed to better understand our son’s needs to provide the proper care for him with love, empathy, and kindness. Everything was on the table, including changing the types of food my son ate and the preparations of that food to ensure his taste buds would adapt smoothly. Nothing was off-limits on the things that needed to be changed. We needed to learn new communication habits, recognize new household dynamics, consider childcare options, engage in fellowship at church, and look at school requirements. We knew this was a shift in our lives. We were grateful that we had lots of help in our congregation and from the doctors and other professionals. Yes. We had the support we needed, but overall we knew increasing our connection with God would help us recognize the work before us and our new mission. We got down on our knees and prayed for an open mind to see His plan and to be willing to follow it despite my professional background. I was clueless about facing this new challenge and what to do for our family. Praying, I believe, was the final key to being victorious. Praying improved our family’s faith and our communication with God. This directly affected my mental and physical health, and overall, it improved our family. We had to step out of the box with our son and step into his world. We had to think like he thought and understand his needs and feelings. We immediately started looking for ways to communicate by being patient and looking at his reaction to our words. Sometimes I expected him to respond as I would, and I became impatient when I did not get a response right away. I was impatient with his responses, his tantrums, and how I could not manage all my son’s emotional reactions. This experience was a tremendous lesson for me in becoming more empathetic, compassionate, and loving with other people, especially with my wife and son. You, Your Health and Your Family

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Reading medical journals, articles on alternative and natural foods, and information on gluten-free options, helped us overcome the challenges of our new reality. We sought out foods that contained no refined sugar, and we started using stevia and lactobacillus to improve our family’s gut function. We also included foods in our diet with antioxidants like blueberries and cranberries. To stay knowledgeable and help keep our mental health strong, we joined autism support groups in Los Angeles, California. These things renewed and strengthened my communication with my wife and empowered us to continue to do what is best for our family. As a fitness professional, I encourage you to look at your family like a professional sports team that needs premium health coaching to perform properly. Think of the whole body, which requires the same care as other parts of your life, i.e., your home, luxury vehicle, or job. Your physical body needs just as much care and attention and should not be neglected. Remember, it is your responsibility to take charge of your health and family. Be courageous! When met with a challenge, let your fears vanish. Think about the impact you will have by making those tough decisions and changes that will affect your life. In the long run, these decisions will benefit your family. It takes more than one drop of water to form a sea. Take it step-by-step. Remember, you and your family are a team and worth every sacrifice you have to make for optimum health!

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Repair Work 1. Determine the status of the family’s health. Make your family's health a priority. Schedule regular checkups with health professionals and monitor special health conditions. Be an excellent example for your children to follow. 2. Schedule family meals together. Meal plan with your family and focus on healthy menu items. Allow everyone to have a say in making family meal choices and encourage different healthy food options. This is a creative way of supporting the idea that eating is fun. 3. Schedule time to meditate. Meditate for 10-15 minutes daily. Meditation helps release anxiety, stress, and muscular tension that accumulates during the day. Try doing it individually daily and as a family once a week. 4. Schedule some exercise or physical activity daily with the family. Exercise is an excellent way to connect with family members, even if family members exercise individually. Create games and fun, competitive activities within the family. Go to a park or join a team sport. Remember, exercise increases the body's feel-good hormones and optimizes body functions.

Resources My Social Media: @alfredozapatacoach

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Chapter 28

The Road to God: Tribulations and Triumphs By: Linda “Luminous” Domenech

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LINDA “LUMINOUS” DOMENECH

“You are the alchemist who transmutes base metals (wounds) into Gold and Gold into God.” Linda “Luminous” Domenech is a resident of Austin, Texas, where she lives with her two incredible sons and her life-long partner Hakhem Universal Life. Luminous grew up between Aguadilla Puerto Rico, and Buffalo, N.Y. She currently works for a nonprofit organization to assist Black and Brown communities with affordable healthcare. She also works with pregnant women, helping them with proper care and vital resources to support prenatal and postpartum needs. Luminous has spent several years working on herself to break generational trauma. She is a gifted horticulturist and was previously responsible for a community garden. She is passionate about sharing her talents with others. Luminous continues to study ancient Eastern spirituality to nourish and support her healing journey.

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y teenage parents fell in love and fled to the United States. My mother suffered through my father’s abuse, and as a result, they did not stay together long. She ran away with my brother and me to a battered women’s shelter, and later we lived with a kind family we knew. My mother met my stepfather shortly afterward. I got close to my stepfather and called him “Papi,” which means daddy in Spanish. We moved around quite a bit, from Boston to the Dominican Republic to Queens, ultimately settling roots in Buffalo, New York. My stepfather exposed us to the finer things in life, including suburban neighborhoods and nice cars. He was my “Papi” and the one I thought would protect me, yet he brought a predator into our home. The family friend frequented our home often and always had a candy stash in his pocket. My father trusted him with his money and his life. I would smile when he came around with his candy and warm hugs, but that welcoming feeling became cold. At five years old, I became a victim of sexual abuse multiple times. Neglected and unstable, I felt me being alive was only convenient for my mother. She needed me to look after my brothers and care for the home. To this day, my younger brother says I raised him. Her neglect left an opening for another family friend to violate me and take my virtue repeatedly. For years I longed for my mother’s love, to be cared for, protected, and nurtured, but I never received it. I realize now she wasn’t able. My mother struggled with physical and emotional abuse in her life and lives with chronic pain and depression now. I know now that she did her best with what she knew at the time. I was attached to my expectations of whom I wanted my mother to be. She was incapable of giving that to me, but I knew she loved me. As a teenager, I moved away from my mother as soon as I had a chance. We moved to Puerto Rico after I graduated high school, and in less 196

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than a year, at age 17, I decided to leave the island by myself and return to the United States. A few months after my arrival, my mother returned to the United States and moved into my one-bedroom studio. All the inherited generational trauma weighed heavy on me, and I was tired. I was constantly living in survival mode and fear. Healing and connecting as many pieces as possible of myself became my focus. An unexpected person entered my life, someone who was unlike anyone I had ever met. This person was direct and asked me many questions. He was curious about my thoughts. Through his guidance, I learned that thoughts could be misleading and influenced by events in the past. As I shared, he would question me, which caused me to self-reflect. I discovered that constant movement was my way of coping and avoiding my pain. I entered a reparative process I call spiritual hibernation. I was slowing my life down, magnifying anything that was not supporting my growth. I detangled myself from my expectations of my mother. I began to analyze my life with no judgments. All my relationships served as mirrors, and I no longer blamed the other person solely. I turned inward and began to see myself. Like the fabled alchemist in his laboratory, I began to transmute lead into gold in my own life. To break my family cycle of trauma, it had to start with me. After me, the lives of my children and grandchildren. I learned the power of presence and living in the moment. I studied the philosophy of yoga and the magic of breath. I reviewed vital books that shifted my life. In becoming whole, I started to see my son doing better at home and in school. Healing myself was affecting him. My relationship with my mother was on the mend. I was no longer quick to react towards her. I didn’t get triggered as often. I began to understand her as a person. I think understanding someone is the greatest love you can offer. I remember a moment while going through the process of repairing, weeping, hoping that if anything were to come out of this work, it would be to gain a better understanding of my mother. I wasn’t afraid of the work, and I did it! I am still repairing our mother-daughter relationship, but we can smile now, and being around her no longer weighs heavy on me. I am still filling my heart with grace and forgiveness for her. All can travel this life-altering journey. The universe will reward us because we tried. Many are frightened to confront themselves, hindering us from reaching our goal of unity with God. You must do the work!

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Repair Work 1. Slow Down. Force yourself to slow down and feel. Pay attention to and list your emotions during this time. Identify triggers or irrational behaviors. 2. Be in the Present Moment. Decide to be present. What do you see, feel, hear? Consciously focus on where you are, rather than where you’ve been or where you’re going. Be in the moment! 3. Self-Analysis and Self-Evaluation. Analyze your thoughts. Ask, “Are my thoughts coming from a clean mental space?” “Are they based solely on past experiences?” Actively reject other people’s projections on you or perceptions of you. Evaluate yourself and determine your desired outcomes.

Resources My social media: www.facebook.com/17LuminousEarth

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Chapter 29

Thou Shall Do It Afraid By: Rosheka Davis

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ROSHEKA DAVIS

"You can only be you, so what are you afraid of?"

Rosheka Davis is a Dare 2 Dream international speaker, Amazon #1 best-selling co-author of Embracing Imperfections, and CEO of Reject LLC. She is also a television personality with KP Media TV and the "Phreshest" event host in the game. Add to that she's a writer, poet, philanthropist, and founder of Leave It On The Court Basketball Game and Project Don’t Give Up On Me. If that isn't enough, Rosheka is also the drill sergeant of Positive Expressions (PE). Rosheka has shared the stage with the great Les Brown. She is a mother, daughter, sister, and the children's favorite "Plauntie" (Play plus Auntie). Your children are safe with her, and they know it. No child is left behind, and no child feels unloved in her presence. Her parents, Harry and Jessie, had five children, and Rosheka was the youngest of them all. Family is important to her. Rosheka looks forward to making an impact and becoming the change she wanted to see when she was younger. So happy that instead of looking for the light in her darkness, she decided to become what she was searching for. "Never Lose Sight of The Light in You." -Londrelle

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Thou Shall Do It Afraid

I am Rosheka Davis, and I grew up in a small community called Happy Town. I always wondered, but I do not understand why it is called Happy Town. If I had to guess why, I would say it is because everyone in the community was happy, like family, and acted as such. I believed I was different growing up, and my mother would remind me of how unique I was. She would say, "Out of all of my children, you challenge me the most." When I first heard the story of Jabez, it resonated with me so much that the prayer became fundamental in my development. I grew up like an only child, though I was the baby out of my mother's four children. It was an unexpected pregnancy for my mother and father, especially since life was already emotionally and financially challenging. Growing up, I enjoyed all the activities that society deemed as "boyish" and "manly" with my male cousins. I'd play tackle football, basketball, and lift weights on my grandmother's front porch with them. I recall wanting to wear more masculine clothing instead of the frilly dresses and lace socks that my mother would buy to dress me. As a hard-working woman, my mother took pride in dressing me and spared no expense, ensuring her daughter was well presented. She bought my dresses and my frilly socks from boutiques. The people in the department stores knew us by name. Though what I truly desired was priceless, what I wanted more than anything was for my mother to see me for me. I may have looked cute in the eyes of those around me. I did not connect with those clothes. I felt uncomfortable; I did not feel like myself. My father was not around much, and when he was, we didn't speak often. I have memories of him pulling my teeth when they were loose enough and telling me to be tough. I'm sure this was his expression of love, but I was still confused, scared, and trapped with all these emotions as a child, leading me to anger. Thou Shall Do It Afraid

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My mother was an example of unconditional love. She would always tell me how much she loved me and how I was her baby no matter what. I never fully understood her words then, but I do now. My mother was my biggest supporter. Although she always made it clear that she disagreed with my lifestyle decisions, she loved me because of who I was—a human being. She knew, and I do now, that we are not always going to agree with people's life choices, but should that stop us from obeying the biggest commandment in this world? That commandment is "Love." Love is universal, and love is more powerful than hate. Love heals all adversities we will ever face in this life. Love always wins. My mother wanted to save me from rejection by offering her love as protection and redirection, so I would not be stressed. There were plenty of days when I cried because of being an outcast, judged, and disrespected by those I loved. I didn't choose to be different. I was born to be who I am. My mother's unconditional love is irreplaceable; therefore, when the music stops and I'm all alone, I sing my mother's favorite song—her song of Love. Parents must communicate with their children in love and show them how much you appreciate them. As children, it is essential that we share with our parents, accept their love and affection, and know that they love from the space they know how to love. We heal when we deal with our pain and our issues. Learn to love from the soul, for the soul is love. We must become everything our heart desires to receive from others. It took me 41 years to get to this place in my life of total liberation from my mindset. But guess what? I did it, and so can you! Make peace with your past; walk in your truth, and don't stop trusting and believing in yourself. Thou Shall Do It Afraid I’ve been working through some things. I’ve been counting my blessings. Not looking at situations as losses but growing from the lessons. Nothing is perfect in this life, so I choose to remain pure. Give to this world from my overflow, remembering we don’t live here. Enjoying the experience, staying connected to the light within. Not expecting others to fill me up, being my own best friend. Facing the man in the mirror knowing it’s always Me vs. Me. Waiting for no one else to come and “save” me. 202

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I put on my armor, and I wear my own cape. Instead of looking for love, decide to elevate. Going in when it hurts, allowing the tears to flow. This reminds me that I'm human, and I have to let the pain go. I’ve been working through some things. I’ve been counting my blessings. Gratitude to the Most High for this beautiful self-development. Thou Shall Do It Afraid. *RoWhoa* I share my story not to relive it but to release it. "To get to what is, we have to detach from what was," I say, "Deal with your hurt and grow from the pain. It is time we repair the Black family."

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Repair Work 1. Praise God for whom He created you to be. Remind yourself daily that you are not a mistake. 2. Meditation will get you through any situation. Clear your space and turn up your face daily in meditation. 3. Serve others. Share your stories of growth with others. Decide each day to be the change you wish to see. Always think of the benefit of the whole and not just yourself.

Resources KP Media: kpmedia.lightcast.com My Social Media: @Rosheka(reject)Davis

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Chapter 30

Overcoming the Odds By: Bra‘Keya Hyman-Muhammad

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BRA‘KEYA HYMAN-MUHAMMAD

“The main focus is to remain focused.” -Bra Keya Hyman-Muhammad Bra’Keya Hyman-Muhammad is the mother of a handsome prince; she’s a daughter; and an amazing sister. As a certified nurse’s assistant, fitness and health influencer, accountability coach, and owner of GET FIT FOR YOU, LLC, she is a friend to many. She motivates numerous women and girls to archive self-confidence while providing support and health care for the elderly. Her mission is to help people become the best version of themselves.

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always struggled with my weight as a little girl. Being larger than the rest of my brothers and sisters, I was called names jokingly by my peers and siblings. The name-calling continued in middle and high school, and I became numb to the pain. I felt like an outcast. I would self-sabotage by eating more and more food causing myself to gain more weight. Food became my comfort zone. I would often compare myself to others to the point where I became obsessed with my looks. I talked down to myself, saying things like I couldn't lose the weight or that I couldn't get in shape, and I was believing and becoming accustomed to a negative mindset because of how people treated me. I fell victim to negativity, which was a continuous cycle of my life. I would do extreme diets and weight loss challenges as I got older. I started on a yo-yo journey of losing weight to make a minor appearance change and make myself feel good or acceptable for a moment but turn around and fall back into the same bad eating habits and regain the weight. At a point, I was so down, low in vibration and uncomfortable in my own body that I promised I would make a change. “Starting August 1, 2020, I’m going to stay consistent no matter how tired I am or hard it gets; I will keep on track,” I said. So, I sat down, took out a pen and notebook, and wrote out a strategic plan to achieve my weight goal of 160 pounds. I weighed 196 pounds at the time. I made a vision board that pictured me living a healthy lifestyle. Starting with my eating, I planned to cut out all starches, sweets, and meats, so I became creative every day. It was challenging, but I was dedicated. I ate nothing but raw vegetables, mainly cucumbers and tomatoes for the first ten days. I then added fruits for the next ten days. I started looking online for ways to be creative with alternative meat substitutions. I thought of ways to Overcoming the Odds

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make exercise fun versus a burden or something I didn't want to do. I joined the gym, and not only did I work out, but I also found a class that I enjoyed which was Zumba fitness. The instructor, Bahiyyah Sadiki, and I became close friends. I loved Zumba so much that I went from going two days a week to five days a week. Working out was so fun that I started running two miles after each class. I trained my mind to fall in love with drinking water and other natural juices. I started posting my workout videos on social media to hold myself accountable and to keep going. I posted every day. At first, I was nervous about posting, but I received so much positive feedback, and my audience grew tremendously. It eventually became a lifestyle instead of a diet. I fell in love with it, sometimes working out three times a day, and before I knew it, in 30 days, I lost 31 lbs. I was inspiring others around me: friends, family, and strangers were reaching out to me asking for meal prep and workout tips, and some even asked me to work out with them. I didn’t mind because it became something that I loved. My clientele multiplied, and before I knew it, I became a motivational accountability coach, then a business, GET FIT FOR YOU, LLC. I was genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been, and it was reflected in my smile, skin, language, and more. After one year of my new lifestyle, I became pregnant with my handsome son, Jenesis Kelley-Muhammad, whom I love dearly. Being pregnant is the most beautiful process I have ever experienced in my life. It is also the most life-changing thing I have ever experienced. Of course, I was aware that gaining weight comes with being pregnant. But each day, it became more and more challenging for me to deal with it. My emotions were all over the place. My physical appearance was changing, but my biggest problem was weight gain. So, I returned to my comfort zone, food. I started falling back into bad eating habits: eating out, junk food, and not exercising. According to my OB-GYN, I was not gaining enough weight for the baby, so I ate more and more, snacking on chips, candy, french fries, etc. I gained weight rapidly using the excuse of being pregnant to indulge. The problem wasn’t the food; it was the lack of nutrients in my food. By the end of my pregnancy, I was the biggest I've ever been in my life, 220 lbs. I already knew I was going to have to work my way back. I was motivated and dedicated to getting back to my pre-baby weight. I gave myself five months to heal; then, I’d jump right back into exercising. But now, I could not do what I used to do. I wasn’t as motivated to get up and work out, so it became more challenging. At the time, I did not know that I was experiencing baby blues, Postpartum Depression, so I gave up 208

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physically; but mentally, I still wanted to keep going. I just had to find the motivation to get back working out, so I started following different accounts on Instagram. I watched workout videos and came across a 30-day online weight loss challenge. I told myself, this is it. It's time to commit myself to 30 days again, and for 30 days, I committed myself to work out. I put my son in his stroller every day and went walking. I cut all sweets, meats, and starches. I also started reading, How to Eat to Live by The Honorable Elijah Muhammad. His words taught me the proper foods to eat. Although I did not get to my pre-baby weight by the end of the challenge, I lost inches and weight, and I liked how I looked. I felt my best and gained my confidence back again. Before I knew it, my clientele picked back up, and everything went back just how it was. I learned to practice self-love. When you master real genuine self-love, you will accept yourself as you are at whatever stage in your life. I learned to be okay and trust the process and not compare myself to others. I also knew struggle is ordained, but there is light at the end of the tunnel if you keep up the fight. Most importantly, I learned never to give up, never quit, and never stop believing in myself. Once you change your mindset, everything you want to achieve will happen. Never allow others’ opinions to influence your life. Never fall victim to the negativity around you. Always rise above your emotions. Remember, nowhere in life is a permanent destination. It's only a pit stop because there's always room for improvement. Learn to be optimistic, and fear not because fear will only hold you back from your true self. Success is failure turned inside out, so stick to the fight when you take your hardest hit. It's when things seem the worst that you must not quit.

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Repair Work 1.

Acknowledge the Problem. Look in the mirror, admit there is a problem, and commit yourself to solve it. Write out the problem and identify the optimal solution. Make a list of the steps necessary to achieve that solution.

2. Take Action to Achieve your Goal. Wanting is not enough! If you desire to lose weight, research healthy foods and buy them. Assess your pantry and throw out unhealthy foods you currently have at home. Go to the gym or otherwise commit to working out for an hour, five to six days every week. 3. Never Give Up. Write the date of when you intend to achieve your goal. Be sure to do something toward your goal each day. Make a note of that successful action. Remind yourself daily that “the race is not to the swift but to the one who endures to the end.”

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Chapter 31

Embrace Barriers to Reach the Stage of Joi By: Jabril Muhammad

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JABRIL MUHAMMAD

“There is power behind a story, but make the story. Don’t let it make you.” Jabril Muhammad is the 21-year-old son of David and Nayyirah Muhammad and attends Florida International University. Jabril participates actively in the community through several volunteer programs, such as the youth ministry. He is the founder and volunteer in Childs Park little league baseball organization in St. Petersburg, Florida, and is the AKAdemy/Pathfinder organization leader. Jabril is the winner of the Randy Louis and Pathfinder awards. He also worked with Omega PSI PHI Fraternity Inc. and Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. in programs that teach youth how to tie a tie, speak publicly, and prepare for a job interview. His peers also voted him to receive the Juneteenth Award, and he is known across Pinellas County for the volunteer services he provided throughout the community. Jabril works as the financial literacy advisor with The Repair of the Black Family organization led by his parents. His mission is to be a world leader and to spread love far beyond the pain that sits within.

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n 2000, at General Electric Financial Services, two young women named Joi Curry and Nayyirah Muhammad met at the workplace. Over time built a friendship. Nayyirah was six months pregnant with David James Johnson, soon to be the youngest of her five children. Joi, seeing my mother was pregnant, was overwhelmed with excitement. She began to ask my mother if she could be the Godmother. My mother saw it as they were work friends, and she didn’t know her well enough to be the baby’s Godmother. Joi was overwhelmed with happiness when Nayyirah said, “Yes.” Joi didn’t have any children of her own. Doctors told her that she could not have children, so she considered me her son from birth. As a young mom, my mother wasn’t as fortunate financially as many families; so when my mom couldn’t do for me, my godmother helped out. Joi took me shopping for school, and we visited playgrounds and theme parks along with many other activities. Those fun and material things meant a lot to me as a child, but what touched me the most was the love she showed me consistently. Gifts were my godmother's way of showing love, but it was also her acts of kindness that I cherished. Almost every time we saw each other, she would do things like give me gift cards enclosed with notes saying how proud she was of me. I did not look at her just as my godmother; she was indeed another mother figure in my life. I simply called her “Mom,” and she affectionately called me “DJ” or “David James.” She continued calling me the same name even after my family converted to Islam and changed my name to Jabril Khalif Muhammad. During my teenage years, Joi and I didn’t see each other as often because I was in high school, playing football, and I held leadership roles in many organizations, as this is what my birth mother encouraged me to do. Even though my godmother and I didn’t see each other as often as before or as much as we would like, we still spoke on the phone. Her favorite thing was to Embrace Barriers to Reach the Stage of Joi

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tell me that she was proud of me for my work in the community. Being the protective son of both mothers, I was very involved with the man whom my godmother was dating. They were together for several years, and I grew fond of him. We were very close. After a while, they broke up, and Joi found someone else. This time, though, I saw my godmother in a place I had never seen her before. She was happy in her relationship, but she was also very distant. It was my senior year, and when I committed and signed with Western Carolina University, Joi came to my signing day, and we took a picture together. A few months after signing day, during one of our regular phone calls, she mentioned that she was pregnant with a boy. I almost cried when she told me because the doctor had previously told her she could not have children. She was the kind of person who always shared everything with me and kept me up to date with her life, but she said she had wanted to be sure the baby would be healthy before telling anyone the news. Even though this was a reason to celebrate, everything seemed off about her. It was as if she was happy but sad also. She kept saying on that phone call how proud she was of me, and she wanted to make sure I was coming to her baby shower, and I kept making sure she was coming to my graduation. Both events were close, so we wanted to make sure we would be there for each other. Unfortunately, neither of us could make it to either event because a day before the baby shower and four days before my graduation, my godmother was shot in the chest by her husband and baby’s father on May 24, 2019. Her son, my little brother, Kai, survived and was born prematurely as his mother lay on her deathbed. I was devastated as a part of my life was taken away that I could not get back. I had so many questions. She was someone that you would least expect something like this to happen to. I was stuck in shock and disbelief. Her husband was sentenced to ten years in prison for homicide and manslaughter. The incident took place a few weeks before I left for college, and it really affected me in school and with football. I was stuck in disbelief and couldn’t concentrate. I’d wake up, go to practice with her on my mind, then cry almost every day afterward, wondering what Joi might have been feeling her last few breaths knowing she was going to die. I had PTSD for the longest, and whenever someone would call my phone repeatedly, I thought it was bad news. I mourned for months and months until I realized I was falling into a hole. My grades were declining. I wasn't playing well in practice, so the coaches didn’t trust me to play in the games. I would say I didn't want to know what 214

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happened between her and her husband for the longest time because I found comfort in believing it was an accident. I couldn't fathom the thought of her being shot by the man she loved. I had to find a way to move on and accept that she was gone and wasn’t coming back. How did I do that, you may ask? I decided to carry on her legacy by spreading love as she did when she was with us. I kept her name alive by doing things in her name the way she did but adding my own twist. For my little brother’s birthday parties, I brought toys and cards with money in them, just as she would do with me. The younger version of me cared only about the money, but as I stated before, the handwritten messages that she would leave in the cards would become more important. Yes, it was tough losing my godmother, but the marathon continues. Down with guns and up with Joi! I learned to value, appreciate, and give the people you love their flowers while they are still living. That sounds like a cliche, but it is a very true statement. I also learned to never live in regret. My godmother, Joi, lived up to her name and did nothing but spread joy and love throughout her entire life. I’m determined to keep this going, living by her example, so I try to spread love to anyone that comes into my life. This traumatic experience changed me because her death resurrected my life. I truly feel like her death forced me to be successful and is a huge reason why my life is trending in the right direction to this day. Finally, I learned to turn the pain into power. “There is power behind a story, but make the story; don’t let it make you.” Everyone has a story. It is what you do with your story that can either make you or break you. Are you going to make your story by understanding your pain and using it as motivation to do better? Or are you going to let your story make you by sitting in that pain, living in regret, and not continuing the marathon? I was always told that “nobody really cares, work harder.” This quote means, “people know you are going through things in your life, but aren't we all?” You have to make them care by caring about yourself. When you invest in yourself, you will notice that other people will invest in you also. Grieve and accept that your loved one is gone, find comfort in what you know they contributed to your life and keep their memory alive in your heart. Go through your pain but don't stay there because joy is on the other side of pain. Stay positive, work hard, and make it happen. You are who you are, and sometimes circumstances in your life will change you, but you have to continue evolving. If you aren't elevating in life, you are declining. Continue to elevate and be you. What makes YOU special is that nobody else will ever be YOU. Embrace Barriers to Reach the Stage of Joi

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Repair Work 1. Communication is reality. Make a call to the people you love and tell them how you feel. A phone call spread with love can go a long way. 2. The marathon continues. If you lost someone, continue their legacy. Practice what they preached and apply it to your life. Establish something in their memory, like a card given with money and a handwritten message. If they had a favorite song they like to play at the barbecue, play it in their name. 3. Accept, don't reject the pain. Embrace the pain of losing your loved one and realize it doesn't last forever. Remember fun times you shared with them. Watch their favorite movie or purchase their favorite food and enjoy it in their honor.

Resources My Website: www.repairoftheblackfamily.com My social media: @Officialjabril_

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Chapter 32

Making Love Last By: Maalikah Muhammad

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MAALIKAH MUHAMMAD

"A husband and wife may disagree on many things but they must absolutely agree on this: to Never, ever Give Up." Maalikah Muhammad, formerly Valerie A. Muhammad, is a phenomenal wife and mother. She and her husband of over thirty years, Jefferrey Muhammad, are the proud parents of 19-year-old Kameelah Muhammad. She has spent over 30 years as a student MGT (Muslim Girls Training) Captain in the Nation of Islam under the leadership of The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. She is responsible for training women and girls in five states throughout the Southwest Region. Having this awesome responsibility allows Sister Maalikah to assist them in learning the true value of themselves, their virtue, their chastity, and their pursuit of their God-given talents. After all, since all women and girls are mothers of civilization, it is essential for them to gain the proper perspective of their vital role within their communities and the world at large. Always striving to be an example and a role model for those she serves, Sister Maalikah has developed several businesses and collaborations, including Black Like Me Handpainted T-Shirts, Bean Pie Express, Your University Day Care & Private School, Kameelah’s Closet, Project Modesty, Suite Baby Cakes Gourmet Pastries, and A Second Glance Editing. She seeks to see God in everyone she meets and strives to reflect Him in all she encounters. Sister Maalikah truly believes that love is duty; it anticipates need, and as a leader, she leads with love first.

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knew we were in trouble when I asked for a divorce, and Jefferrey said, “Okay.” After eleven years of marriage, I was panic-stricken when he calmly called my bluff and agreed to what I had callously threatened time and time again. As frustrated as I'm sure he'd been many times before, he would always respond to my antics with “Divorce is not an option.” Through the years, I had asked and sometimes pleaded with him to go to marriage counseling, but Jefferrey would answer, "What's the point?" or “What can they say to help us?” Those were his most common responses. Jefferrey and I seemed like the perfect couple with the perfect marriage and life to our friends and family. On the surface, it seemed there was no reason at all to complain. We looked the part of the ideal Muslim couple, and we had material gains to boot. Though we had so many things to be thankful for, we'd lost the ability to communicate and were struggling with all our might to keep our marriage together. We'd tell ourselves that "Marriage is half of faith" and “You know ‘Allah hates divorce.’” Besides, what would everybody think if “we” got a divorce? Even though it was not “love at first sight” when we first met, I’ve always believed our meeting was divinely inspired. He was nothing like anyone I'd ever met before; maybe not even what I wanted, but so much of what I needed in a man. In fact, when I reflect on what I asked Allah to bless me with, I know it came to me in the person of Jefferrey Muhammad. He’d probably say the same. Our relationship was the union of two completely different people joined together by Islam. I grew up in a small town in Mississippi and am the product of a two-parent home. I was the youngest of eleven children. Jefferrey was from a much larger city in Louisiana, and he is the younger of two sons born to a single mom. He was streetwise, and I was as green as they come. I suffered secretly with low self-esteem while he appeared to be Making Love Last

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perfectly intact. I think our differences are what allowed us to become great friends who eventually developed a loving attraction to each other. I responded to Jefferrey’s consent to divorce by suggesting that we divide the furniture and cars; he’d live upstairs while I lived downstairs. After what seemed like forever (a few hours), I prayed and came up with my final suggestion: we do the marriage therapy ourselves. To my surprise, Jefferrey agreed. Grateful, excited, and determined that we could make this work, with the help of a friend, I developed my thoughts into a guide that soon became a series of at-home do-it-yourself therapy sessions. This made all the difference in the world in our relationship. When we decided to marry, Jefferrey and I agreed that we were in it for the long haul and though neither of us had the perfect example of marriage before us, we wanted ours to last forever. We knew that “struggle is ordained;” therefore, we thought our love for Allah and our admiration for each other was enough to keep us together. Because we rarely argued and never fought, we silently dealt with our issues through the years, and we slowly drifted apart. I found solace in the mosque as he did, but we were merely being tolerant and cordial to each other at home. While I struggled to deal with the fact that I was molested and had grown up vowing never to be responsible for placing a child in harm's way, I grappled secretly with the idea that my husband wanted children, and I needed to oblige him. I finally decided to try, and that’s when we were faced with the issue of infertility. I felt tremendous guilt and like a failure. We began our weekly sessions with a desire to recapture our friendship, increase our communication, and renew our commitment to a loving relationship. We both committed to Thursdays at 8:00 p.m., and we promised to treat it like a session with a professional by rescheduling in advance if necessary or calling to say if we would arrive late. We agreed on guidelines like keeping Allah at the center of our sessions, conversations must be open and honest, and no arguing was allowed during the week. We gave our word that we would talk for at least fifteen minutes every day and that all controversial topics would be reserved for our weekly sessions. It was important that we agreed to perform at least one daily prayer together and that we must allow the other person to speak without interruption. With about ten guidelines in place, Jefferrey and I nervously began our first of many sessions. To my amazement, it lasted about three hours, so we decided that we’d do it again the next day and, from that point on, stick to our weekly hour at the scheduled appointment time. Initially, we kept the 220

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conversation light and avoided anything that would suggest controversy. It was important that we both felt a sense of accomplishment and experienced a degree of successful communication during our first talk. We had a tremendous amount of baggage that we brought into the relationship and some that we had packed while there, so we knew that it would take a while to get to the root of what was going on between us. During the following sessions, we referred to the talking points that I’d developed, and we discussed things like “Let your spouse know what you need from him/her and the marriage” and “What are the things that attracted you to your spouse and how have those things become a liability in some ways?” Sometimes our conversations would be almost unbearable because I had to be totally honest with him as he was painfully honest with me. How do I say, "Because of the molestation, regardless of what you do or how you try to convince me, I haven't, don't, and probably never will trust you?” How do you admit that for that same reason, “I have never intended to have children and only agreed to do so because that's what a ‘good’ Muslim wife would do to please her husband.” Jefferrey had his share of issues to disclose, and I know it was equally as painful for him to do. We spent the next few weeks acknowledging how we each had been guilty of contributing to the problems of the marriage while discussing what we were willing to do to nurture each other and the relationship and how we would stop sabotaging its success. We began to look forward to our weekly meetings, and I would occasionally create postcards to remind Jefferrey of the “appointment” on Thursday evenings at 8:00 pm. At the end of our eight-week commitment, Jefferrey and I evaluated our progress and agreed that we wanted our sessions to continue. We found that the best thing we could do for our marriage was to take time to nurture it, like everything else we did in our lives. We acknowledged that we would always have issues - that's the nature of marriage - but if we’re committed to making it last, divorce is not an option. I ran the gamut of emotions during the time of our sessions with unresolved feelings about this infertility issue. I lamented that everything was “my fault” and that I should just accept “my lot in life.” Eventually, I decided to stop being a victim and realized that each time I used what happened to me as an excuse, I failed to see what was happening for me and us as a blessing. When I decided to get over myself, Allah blessed us in the most unusual way. A young, inner-city girl walked into my algebra classroom, and 25 years later, she is truly our daughter. I never saw her involvement in my Making Love Last

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life nor my influence in hers coming. A few years later, incredibly again, we were blessed to become parents of another beautiful baby girl. This beautiful and intelligent daughter added a completely different dynamic to our relationship and lives. Though we had decided we were “in it to win it” with or without children, this new reality further solidified our commitment and determination that we were. I was terrified of my new responsibility, but I had to face my fears of inadequacy to help them both blossom into phenomenal, God-fearing women. We have further been blessed to be an influence in the lives of an amazing set of twins who know us simply as Mimi and Uncle. While there is no blood connection, none is required for the love and bond shared between us. Jefferrey and I have since stopped our sessions and recently celebrated, amid Covid, our 30th wedding anniversary with a walk in the park. Marriage is a commitment to God, and it is not one that either of us takes lightly. Honor your vow to Him and try hard to see how He uses you on life’s journey. As we work tirelessly in this mission to resurrect our oppressed people everywhere, I believe and know now more than ever that it is essential to develop and strengthen the family. Remember, blood does not make you a family, and physical birth is not the only way to be a mother.

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Repair Work 1. Commit to your marriage and family. Pray daily for your spouse and your family. Have a regularly scheduled time with your spouse to discuss your marriage and a different regularly scheduled meeting with the entire family. Identify and applaud what is going great and be willing to list and confront what currently needs attention. Plan together how to address whatever you need to handle (i.e., finances, lack of communication, etc.). Seek out options for therapy if you are unable to do it yourself (i.e., spiritual counseling, individual therapy, group therapy, art therapy, Dianetics, etc.). Periodically, take the time to review your wedding day pictures and your video and regularly take family photos, adding them to the collection. Continue to celebrate the good times, striving to always settle on the best part. 2. Adopt a Black child. Participate in a mentoring program for children, whether you have your own or not. Learn how to become a foster parent. Consider expanding your family by adopting a child. 3. Find a project. Research a hobby or find something you have in common and enjoy it with your spouse and family. Find an outdoor activity to share. Start a family-owned business and work together to build wealth while strengthening your bond.

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Chapter 33

Village Mentor By: James Oliver

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JAMES OLIVER

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grew up in a public housing project called Jordan Park. Most of my childhood was pretty normal in the community where I lived. While a teenager and young adult, I became more and more aware of the impact of living in substandard social and economic conditions. I grew up in the 50s and 60s and witnessed the many egregious things being done to Black people. It became more evident that Black folks were suffering tremendously from living with inadequate financial, educational, and socioeconomic resources. It occurred to me that there was a need for additional leadership, guidance, and support for those in my community. My desire to improve the conditions for Black folks overall and children, in particular, was my inspiration to become a mentor. While serving as a 15-year-old youth counselor, I discovered I was successful at helping younger children through many of their issues. When I started to teach, I found that many students needed additional help. Some students had problems with illness, disruptive families, attendance, and other intrapersonal concerns. Discovering the many needs of children and families and realizing that I would be effective in helping them also made my decision to become a mentor easy. As a village mentor, it was necessary to have several essential characteristics and skills. First of all, I had to make sure I knew my assets and deficits. It was also necessary to have a high level of self-esteem to work well with others. I discovered I also had to have exceptional relationship skills and the ability to communicate and negotiate. To be a successful mentor, it was evident that I also needed to have the ability to analyze situations and assess what mentees need, and many times be able to help them prioritize their concerns. I needed to help the mentees learn to appreciate themselves better. Mentoring was far more difficult when the mentee had a highly negative 226

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self-image. As a mentor, I found it also necessary to help mentees develop a strong sense of security by helping them make connections with other adults who could be available when needed. It was imperative that these adults had unconditional regard for those they worked with. As a mentor, I had to help mentees develop good communication techniques for use in many different situations. Additionally, while mentoring, it was vital to assist mentees in learning to do active listening. Active listening involves things like listening to tone and observing body language. In addition, I had to be careful to teach mentees how to respond appropriately as situations dictated. The mentees had also to be taught how to listen in a manner that encouraged continued interactions. The final communication skill I found helpful to teach was asking for clarification when confused. Another crucial strategy I imparted to mentees was how to build good relationships. It was helpful to convince mentees that they needed always to be clear in their interactions with others. It was also important to teach mentees not to take things personally and realize that things were not about them most of the time. One of the most beneficial things I taught mentees was how to make friends. I suggested that they learn how to refrain from allowing others to choose them and be in charge of what develops in meeting other people. Developing a dependable problem-solving process is yet another thing I shared with mentees. I encouraged them to learn how to use brainstorming, prioritizing, and selecting alternatives, among other skills. Because of the many conflicts in today’s world, I thought it was lifesaving to teach mentees how to live without violence. I shared a method that would allow them to live in peace and without fear. With many of the mentees, I shared the concept of reconciliation along with the six main principles of nonviolence, as espoused by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Since so many of the problems we face are rooted in our perceptions of our self-worth, I enjoyed teaching mentees a pro-active self-esteem framework. I taught them the techniques of building and maintaining a positive self-image. I assisted mentees in developing their support network of dependable adults from their communities. With my help, mentees carefully recruited a group from among the teachers, coaches, pastors, and extended family members. The second step in increasing their potential for having high esteem was to solidify relationships with their immediate family members and close friends. I needed to help the mentees join volunteer groups that worked for Village Mentor

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the larger community to accomplish this. The third step in this self-esteem approach was to help mentees establish long and short-term goals so that there was little time for idleness. The final segment of the self-esteem process was to encourage mentees to develop their basic academic, social, and personal skills to help avoid negative feelings about themselves. The final strategy I found necessary to share with mentees was further developing their spiritual lives. In addition, I encouraged mentees to adopt these ideas: 1. All human beings are connected to all living and nonliving things. 2. All human beings are connected. 3. It is necessary to shed your egos and see others as significant. 4. Spend some time with nature every day. 5. Spend some time each week in meditation. 6. Don’t believe everything you think. Currently, I am mentoring only students at schools in South St. Petersburg. The system's rules and regulations limit my involvement at these schools. Consequently, I cannot mentor in the same manner as I do with community students. In my role as a mentor, I have taken the opportunity to conduct mentoring workshops for adults in the larger community. I am training mentors who work with foster children in Tampa, Clearwater, and St. Petersburg, Florida. I am also conducting sessions for a program designed to prepare seniors over 55 to work with pre-kindergarten students. Additionally, I train other adults looking for more skills to interact with their children. I encouraged mentees to see all events from a spiritual perspective and experience what it feels like to see life in its largest sense. I have learned from mentoring dozens, if not hundreds, of people that it’s entirely possible to help most people be their better selves. Many people grow up with a tremendous amount of negativity and selfdoubt. Sometimes all it takes to help people live better lives is just to help them gain new information and allow them to practice in a safe environment. I suggest to all the people I meet that you “see yourself as already successful in whatever you undertake.” Try to put your energies into improving the human condition for all that you can. It is essential to believe that all your 228

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efforts are growth-producing for you and others. It is important to be and do. Remind others that they were born with infinite potential and that it is important to cherish their divinity each day.

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Repair Work 1. Set Goals. Encourage others to set goals for themselves. Many times the pursuit of goals brings success in that many new concepts and skills are learned along the way. 2. Start from Top. Suggest to others that they should consider starting at the top of the next mountain they have to climb. It can be helpful to learn to think from the end. 3. What is your spirituality? Encourage others to recognize that it is vital to increase their level of spirituality. Sometimes looking at problems from a spiritual perspective can make generating solutions easier. It can help to start looking at every facet of life from a more significant point of view.

Resources My social media: @rotnme_18

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Conclusion

We invite you to look at where and how you can create a different narrative for yourself and your family. What can you do that will change the patterns that have continuously caused destruction? Make a new, powerful decision to implement solutions for generations to come. By utilizing some of the suggested repair actions, you can make a difference by promoting generational healing in your family and the world, eradicating trauma, drama, limiting beliefs, and self-sabotaging behaviors forever. This book is a tool. We desire for each person or family to apply some of the suggestions offered and aid in the healing work necessary for the Black family and all of humanity. Visit my website at www.repairoftheblackfamily.com and subscribe to get free training on how to complete cycles of actions in your life and to book a Transformational Life Coaching package ,retreats and more.

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THE END