Replica Magazine Issue V by Bob Bean

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this magazine are those of the contributors and are not necessarily shared by Replica Magazine or Global Tat Productions. No responsibility is assumed by Replica Magazine or Global Tat Productions for damage or offense caused by any of the content contained in the material herein.

REPLICA MAGAZINE Issue V Deadly Sin

Naughty Sin is never a good thing. In a world where our moral boundaries have become so utterly blurred, it has become difficult to maintain the essence of Christian values. The idea of sinning has become so utterly alien to our society- like an ancient theory that has passed out of fashion. To my faithless mind Aristotle got it right when he noted that moral virtue comes down to an ability to exert control over our natural feelings, so to make conscious, rational evaluations of situations and emotions. How right he was. Rosie Allen-Jones, Editor

This magazine is a compilation of articles, artwork, photos and other bits and pieces sent in by its readers. Anyone can contribute: contributions@replicamag.co.uk Try to keep articles under 800 words. The next issue is out on 16 th March. All submissions must be received by 8 th March to be considered for inclusion. Cover: Natalie McKenzie www.myspace.com/artisforheroes Left: ‘Jail in Jail’ Miguel Guzman http://ciervosytrompetas.blogspot.com

First of all, I apologise for the illustration on page 4. Unfortunately, due to a pencil shortage, I had to do it myself. Hopefully my crappy drawings will not become a regular feature in the magazine. Please be warned- Richard Buller’s Rant on page 12 is a distasteful one. As far as I’m aware it was intended as a serious article, which after reading it you might struggle to believe. A big congratulations the sprout on page 19, who is now starring in his own West End musical. Thomas Foxley, Chief Custodian

Replica Magazine Global Tat Productions Chief Custodian Thomas Foxley thebrains@replicamag.co.uk Editor Rosie Allen-Jones editor@replicamag.co.uk Uncle Wetlegs Himself agony@replicamag.co.uk www.replicamag.co.uk

III NEXT ISSUE’S THEME: Table of Contents Recipe For Evil Chicken Pie by Deviant Smitt........................................................... IV Cooking tips from Satan’s other half Replica Shorts........................................................................................................... VI A small collection of some of the little gems we get sent Good Deed by Edward Ros...................................................................................... VIII Edward gloats at what a wonderful person he is The Commercialisation of Public Space by Matthew Allcock.................................. X Common land is being invaded by advertising Rant by Richard Buller.............................................................................................. XII Terry from The Streets’ ‘The Irony of it All’ writes an offensive article Interview With a Sprout by Steven Windle............................................................. XVIII Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like Replica Gallery.......................................................................................................... XXIII The finest art and photography from around the country Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins by Ken Dogg................................................................... XXXXII Ken explains why we all need a bit of sin The Controversial Mr. Jeays! by Keith Haworth...................................................... XXXXVI Chanson singer Phillip Jeays is interviewed by Keith Haworth Uncle Wetlegs: Collective Agony............................................................................. XXXXIX Uncle Wetlegs is ill

TISSUE ARTICLES AND ARTWORK TO MATCH DEADLINE 08/03/09

Untitled by Joshua Thomas Allen............................................................................. XXXXX Poem Picture (left) by Bob Bean www.myspace.com/beanzmeanzme

TISSUE ARTICLES AND ARTWORK TO MATCH DEADLINE 08/03/09

Untitled by Joshua Thomas Allen............................................................................. XXXXX Poem Picture (left) by Bob Bean www.myspace.com/beanzmeanzme

V Recipe for Evil Chicken Pie by Deviant Smitt This recipe is enough to feed 8 people. Keep it all to yourself and you will be sure to have enough. Pastry: 5 oz lard 5 oz butter 8 oz plain flour Water Filling: 4 breasts of evil chicken. You know, murderous, malicious, nasty chicken with a horrible temper 1 teaspoon mace (ground) 1 lb chopped mushrooms 2 chopped onions 1 tablespoon sage and thyme Juice of 1 lemon 2 tablespoons double cream Salt and pepper Pre-heat the oven to 200ºC. Make the pastry first by mixing the lard and the flour. Now add 5oz butter. Fuck it- 10oz butter. Add as much greasy buttery goodness as your bowl will allow. Leave this in the fridge for 20 minutes and then use it to line the pie-bowl. Make sure you save enough to cover the pie.

CONGRATULATIONS DEVIANT, YOU ARE THIS ISSUE’S PRIZE WINNER! YOUR PRIZE IS A WEEKEND BREAK FOR TWO TO TONBRIDGE IN KENT, THE MOST EVIL TOWN IN BRITAIN.

Now, cut the evil chicken. Cut it good. Cut the bastard thing into tiny little pieces. Really unleash- pound that fucking chicken until it resembles a paste. Good evil chicken can be purchased cheaply from your local evil butcher. None of this fancy, organic corn-fed bollocks, mind. Don’t listen to Gordon bloody Ramsey or any of those other twats, with their bags of cash, TV

shows and beautiful kids. The bastards. Next, season the chicken with mace, salt and pepper. In a separate bowl add the mushrooms, herbs, cream and lemon. Christ I love mushrooms. Sexy, sexy mushrooms. If only it were possible… Never mind. Mix well and pour into the pie-bowl. Now pour the evil chicken mix on top and cover with a pastry lid. Leave the pie in the oven for 7 hours. It will probably burn, but you deserve a little nap, don’t you? Serve with cold peas and sit back knowing that you have just created the best pie in the history of pie-making. You are the best. Well done you.

CONGRATULATIONS DEVIANT, YOU ARE THIS ISSUE’S PRIZE WINNER! YOUR PRIZE IS A WEEKEND BREAK FOR TWO TO TONBRIDGE IN KENT, THE MOST EVIL TOWN IN BRITAIN.

VII S REPLICA SHORT its

f the odd b A selection of some o t se nt… ge e t w a th es ec pi nd a

Dear Replica,

Here’s a link to an entertaining deadly sins game, I thought you might be able to use it:

Sorry, it’s not something I necessarily should illustrate now.

www.jokeroo.com/games/puzzle/7de adly-sins.html

SIN

Deadly sin? My first thought about this month’s theme- ‘deadly sin’- was “this is a serious one”. I imagined an issue stuffed with tales of misery and miscreants but, as is typical of myself, further reflection begot the realisation that I was wrong. I guess my initial reaction was the fruit of my religious upbringing (sin = bad). The idea of deadly sin is well known and the ‘seven deadly sins’ have been around for thousands of years. However in my experience of society, what constitutes as one is ridiculously subjective to the point of being amorphic. Even our personal idea of sin changes, we’ve all done things that when we were younger we would never have dreamt of doing but as we got older we somehow found excuses for.

I am a journalist of sorts, I write for the Replica Shorts, There are lots of little bits (including limericks) and all sorts of childish thoughts.

So, if nobody says it never, somebody is not saying it now.

Lots of love, I’m not complaining, if anything I’d defend our fallibility, it is something that humbles us all and reminds us that no matter how different we are from each other we have all been guilty of deadly sin, ergo it is our ability to be bad as much as good that unites us. Anyway going back to my earlier point about how I was wrong to think deadly sin is solely serious- a lot of the activities we humans do for fun can be considered as deadly sins, but are nonetheless rather amusing. For instance the gluttonous over consumption of alcohol leading to lust, let’s be honest there’s nothing funnier then seeing your pissed mate make an arse of himself whilst attempting chat up a girl! Simon O’Brien

I knew a monkey called Fred, Who often had a sore head, He leaped and he swung, And sometimes played in dung And that’s why you don’t want him in your bed.

Ken Dogg

Dear Replica,

Gluttony- Swallow It Now Greed- Something I Need Sloth- Sometimes I Nap Wrath- Suffer It Nitwit Envy- She is Non-worthy Pride- Surely I’m Nonpareil Lust- Suck my cock

You bunch of bastards. This theme is terrible. Encouraging people to gloat about sinful behaviour is sick.

Such indescribable naughtiness should incite nobility.

See you in hell (from heaven).

Yours Sincerely,

From A. Christian

Sarah Isabel Nelson

Dear Replica, My name is Tim, I am a film reviewer and I wanted to know if you needed someone to review films for you? Here are my film tips for this month. The Illusionist gets a big thumbs down. Acting, script, accents, camera work- all bollocks. A plot full of more holes than a second hand darts board. My top tip for this month is Slumgog Millionaire. Absolutely brilliant. Go and see it- you will not be disappointed. Fantastic soundtrack. Artwork by Anna Chilton www.annachilton.co.uk Thanks Tim, no we don’t need a ‘film reviewer’

VII S REPLICA SHORT its

f the odd b A selection of some o t se nt… ge e t w a th es ec pi nd a

Dear Replica,

Here’s a link to an entertaining deadly sins game, I thought you might be able to use it:

Sorry, it’s not something I necessarily should illustrate now.

www.jokeroo.com/games/puzzle/7de adly-sins.html

SIN

I am a journalist of sorts, I write for the Replica Shorts, There are lots of little bits (including limericks) and all sorts of childish thoughts.

So, if nobody says it never, somebody is not saying it now.

I knew a monkey called Fred, Who often had a sore head, He leaped and he swung, And sometimes played in dung And that’s why you don’t want him in your bed.

Ken Dogg

Dear Replica,

Gluttony- Swallow It Now Greed- Something I Need Sloth- Sometimes I Nap Wrath- Suffer It Nitwit Envy- She is Non-worthy Pride- Surely I’m Nonpareil Lust- Suck my cock

You bunch of bastards. This theme is terrible. Encouraging people to gloat about sinful behaviour is sick.

Such indescribable naughtiness should incite nobility.

See you in hell (from heaven).

Yours Sincerely,

From A. Christian

Sarah Isabel Nelson

IX Good Deed by Edward Ros I have a tale of a recent good deed that I want to share with you and your readers. A couple of weeks ago, in my local ale house, I found a discarded note. It read: “I’m cooking dinner, care to join me? 07XXX XXXXXX” (left). “What a kind offer” I thought, unfortunately I already had plans. Not wanting the mystery chef to be lonely, and without any better ideas, I decided to place his offer for a free meal on Gumtree. Assuming that this was

intended to be an informal event, I posted it in the ‘Casual Relationships’ section (below). Now, I’m not claiming to be some sort of hero, and I do not seek any praise for my efforts, I am just happy in the knowledge that one enthusiastic gastronome will have someone to share his dinner with. Yours Sincerely, E. Ros

XI The Commercialisation of Public Space Matthew Allcock fears that advertising is taking over the country

Commerce is all around us now; we have become inured to the ubiquitous messages adorning screens and billboards citywide, inviting us to consider the newest, most up-to-date product or some heretofore unrepresented service, freshly packaged or merely cast in a different shade. And these frequently garish advertisements have found increasingly obscure and uncomfortably intrusive places to proclaim their message, popping up in pub urinals, on supermarket concourses, and even intruding into Goldsmith’s students’ union. Culturally, the issue of product placement was of great concern in the recent Shane Meadows film, Somers Town, as was the question of corporate sponsorship, as small-budget artistic enterprises struggle to source the funds for ever more adventurous proposals. These instances represent a few of the recent inroads advertising has made in our social landscape. To be sure, public spaces are part of the same economic and social fabric as the commercial sector. Sellers and vendors are everywhere on market stalls or on checkout counters, forming a key element of today’s capital infrastructure. Yet energetic economic activity is in

danger of becoming so powerful and pervasive that it threatens the very idea of a shared, public, open space. The pressures of privatisation and commercialisation may be seen to have crossed the line into something crass and debasing, re-casting what was free and accessible into something selective and restricted. This branding of public space took a step further into the unpalatable the other day when I stepped onto a bus to get ‘out of the bubble’ of New Cross on a trip to a job interview in central London. One of the buses I stepped onto that afternoon was the 168, the service which runs from Hampstead to the Old Kent Road, two public destinations, known and reachable by all, places that define our landscape and are part of the collective imagination. Importantly, however, the route was marked as terminating not just at the public space of the Old Kent Road, but as finishing its journey at ‘Old Kent Road, Tesco’, a fundamentally private, commercialised place, corporate and undemocratic. In other words, the ‘landmark’ of a multinational superstore has become so much a part of our way of life that it has come to circumscribe a bus route and

frame our very experience of the world. This represents the next step in the reverence for commerce and an increase in the prominence it is afforded by each and every one of us. Indeed, the idea of where we live, the essence of who we are, is now constrained and structured in terms of huge, faceless corporate entities. The space is no longer representative or reflective of the surrounding community, but a place where exclusion, division, and a loss of shared identity are common currency. This generic, homogenised space, now all around us, has begun to infiltrate the collective imagination, becoming our most widely understood public language and defining our lives. What do you pick out as the most conspicuous landmark when you find yourself lost in a large town: would it be the civic centre, the magistrates’ court, the old post office? Or would it more than likely be the Tesco Express that’s just opened its doors on the main road? London, like many other cities in the UK, is becoming less distinctive and less meaningful to its inhabitants. We are in serious danger of defining ourselves by these branded, commercial places and the argument that they merit such a

lauded position in the social and cultural realm is highly questionable. The 168 bus I rode on only the other day has become a systematic hoarding. This isn’t just a lazy brand of old-fashioned nostalgia for a bygone era that never was; rather, this is a sincere plea for the reestablishment of the real, valuable symbols of our existence, the spaces that embody a community’s spirit and soul precisely because they have no rules or strictures to limit their sense of ownership. Outside of the market, these true landmarks uphold the dignity and inherent value of the common man, regardless of their capital worth. It is with this achingly bitter sense of regret that I experienced that bus ride the other day. Something vital seemed to be disappearing down the plughole when I realised that a collective public space was being given over to yet another ‘sponsor’, that it was now a thinly veiled excuse for a subtle marketing strategy. Far from being a cut-off, outdated, and irrelevant plea for a rosetinted socialist future, the necessary vitality and energy which the commercial sector so often injects into our lives needn’t come to be the very means by which we understand ourselves and the world. It is surely now time to draw the line.

Background picture by Lupin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Lupin licensed under GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2

XI The Commercialisation of Public Space Matthew Allcock fears that advertising is taking over the country

Background picture by Lupin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Lupin licensed under GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2

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XIII WARNING THIS ARTICLE MAY CAUSE OFFENCE Replica Magazine would like to make clear that the views and opinions expressed in this article are those of Richard Buller and not of Replica Magazine or Global Tat Productions. We have no association with Richard Buller and we are publishing this piece purely as a curiosity. The article has been published un-edited to ensure we have had no influence on it and to make clear the mentality of the narrator.

Rant by Richard Buller After a recent Friday night outing I was subjected to some traumatic yet still wholly inspirational experiences that I believed to be worthy of google rant status - which to be honest are now turning into more of a 'gonzo' rant as I am almost now just logging my crazy experiences after they happen- which in a way I prefer as now I can justify the things I regret on a night out by calling it research- truth be told though I would be doing and have been doing the stuff I do on a night out anyway with or without this project. It was a cold friday night (this sounds like a fucking ghost story!) and I wasn't planning on going out so I bought a bottle of rose wine and drunk that by myself- I fell asleep woke up and me and couple of mates decided to try find a pub that would still be open at 1.30am after traipsing around endlessly we found a bar that was only on last orders so we bought loads of drinks to make the most of the situation. Then as

we were leaving we got offered discount wristbands for the club called The Aquarium the well known club on Great Eastern Street with a swimming pool- as it was open till ten we gladly took up the offer from the PR's. Now what was significant about this night was the amount of reaks I encountered. The first one was on the way to the club a relatively normal looking Swedish guy that started talking to us. At first he seems relatively harmless but then as we offered him half a can that we were drinking he was like" is that it?", What a cheek, he followed us to a cash point and was still moaning about the fact that we hadn't given him a whole can, so I said to him "you can actually buy cans from a shops nowadays, do you have any money?". He actually didn't really say much after I said that- like someone of his ilk that I have encountered before - a someone that tries to rob the nice people but once they encounter someone that knows their plan they tend to disappear all of a sudden and

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XIV he did- surprisingly- he fucked off just after I refused to give my magic out willy nilly to a random strangerwhat a coincidence. This leads me on to this second experience which I personally found hilarious, in the context of being ripped off especially in around clubs for the good half of a year I am always naturally apprehensive towards people selling outside clubs. However, when someone accepts my 'try before you buy proposition' I can always trusts my taste and instincts. To my taste I was amazed that there was actually a genuine person selling good magic in London- or I had actually come across the path of one that wasn't willing to let you lick a smint and punch you in the jaw if you dared to ask for your money back (a unbelievably pleasant night out that occurred at Fabric Live some time ago). After I exchanged fabric with the seller everyone around me in the intimate queue had clocked onto my bargain and asked the seller for more but he said that was the last one. This foreign woman behind me who I was told the next day was really 'fit' asked me if she could have some, but I had only one thing on my mind and it had taken me this long to not get ripped off - tonight matthew I was definitely only sharing with my friends- or at least when I was sober anyway. I said no and my mate turned round and said "looks won't get you everything dear" which thought was fucking hilarious personally. We all had a dab and finally entered the Aquarium of shattered hope, broken dreams and chavvy veruccas.

XV Now i can't really remember much from this point onwards but a few memories have stuck. I remember being slightly up in arms and voicing my frustrations over the clubs ÂŁ1 to get a smoking wristband policy and these two mongoloid portuguese girls trying to justify it to me on the grounds of "this is London everything is expensive"first and foremost the right to smoke shouldn't be exploited and certainly isn't something that should profited from and I have lived here for 4 years and this isn't something that is widespread because the clubs know its fucking out of order- so I'm not gonna let two fucking greasy minged tourists tell me about what my country is like and what is acceptable when they have only been here for five minutes- ignorant and just down right bloody rude - I would like to stick an aids ridden mars bars down both of their thrush ridden, rusty axe wounds. As I said before I can't remember much for the 8 hours I was actually in there but once again another painful encounter resonates. After happily wearing my smokers wristband which was well worth the money I preceded to sit down and have a smoke when I was ambushed by a 'Saaf Afrikan' girl claiming she was from the gangs in 'Joberg' and could get me anything I wanted. Her arrogance and general SouthAfricaness made a little bit of sick come up in my mouth and although she was blatantly racist and repulsive I was rushing so much I preceded to talk to her and I didn't even realize that my leg was touching hers I think she thought that my brain was processing rationally but i was so off it I could of been talking to a wall for all I knew and my leg could of been touching a lamppost.

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XVII She asked me to take her number and said her name was 'Mon', yes thats right kids 'M-o-n' - what the hell is that all about? I remember her saying "call me tomorrow in the morning yeah? You better call me in the morning." What the fuck was going on here in this hellhole and how did I end up getting this fucked that I would talk to someone like that? I guess that's the beauty and despair of magic you don't realize what your doing you just go with it- otherwise there would be no point doing it if you were not affected by it in any way shape or form. As the night went on the only other things I remember is the smell of chlorine - from a swimming pool that I never even saw and getting bumped into on the dance floor on purpose on numerous occasions by meatheads that didn't like me for some reason and paying 30 pound for a round of three drinks just before I left. After getting in a unlicensed taxi cab driver that eventually tried to rip me off I ended up in bed at about 11 in the morning and locked myself in my room, woke up and nearly pissed my bed so I grabbed the nearest empty wine bottle and pissed in that but I accidently did a little bit of piss on the floor but didn't really care as I still had jaw-lock and I put my t-shirt on it to soak it up and it did eventually. I had five hours sleep and realising that I had to be

in Oxford when I woke up at five made me feel a bit sick but I just tried to sort myself out and went. Got to the complete stone roses gig and something cheered me right up...we were all in the sort of mosh pit (I know - for the roses?) and I saw my mate knock this girl over in the frenzy and she fell down and then another mate accidently stepped on herand it seemed hilarious. I asked if she was alright and she said she was fine. Jesus Christ!- how much of an essay was that- I apologize - I have tried to work out why and the only explanation I can think of is because I just hate.... the general public- and they equal large amounts- so therefore there are just to many cunts to get through - I suppose one way of looking at it is I will never be short of subjects/cunts/inspiration to do exactly what I am doing now (no not stroking myself), exercising my right to shame all these people that don't deserve life. Power the people, look after yourselves and each other. Bullax P.S. I once shat on a car bonnet in Cardiff.

Artwork by Tom Bresolin tbresolin@googlemail.com Tom Bresolin is in no way associated with Richard Buller.

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Artwork by Tom Bresolin tbresolin@googlemail.com Tom Bresolin is in no way associated with Richard Buller.

XIX Interview With a Sprout Christmas is over, now what? by Steven Windle So Sprout, another year... What are your plans for the coming months now Christmas has passed? Well, now that I have nothing to do for the year I plan to take a short trip to Mexico. I often take a little break in CancĂşn right after the busy period- you need it after the madness of the holiday season really. Well yes, Christmas is a busy time for

you I gather- what you do with yourself for the rest of the year? Most of my time is spent workingplanning for the next year's festivities. You might not think it but there is a hell of a lot to do in order to prepare one's self for the insanity of Christmas. This year I am also working on a little project with Jamie Oliver to promote healthy eating in schools.

Sproutâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full name is Brussels Sprout, as he is thought to have originated in Belgium

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CHEER UP YOU BASTARDS A new brighter kind of street art from the artists

Bortusk Leer and Five Four.

Most other vegetables manage to be popular all year round... Why do you think you struggle? You don't realise how much PR and promotion is needed to keep other vegetables popular. There are hundreds of people behind the scenes working constantly to keep ugly bastards like broccoli in the business. I work on my own. How about if I were to put it this way: people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like you. Why? Well, I might not be as popular as I used to be. I put it down to fast food. Society has shifted to an Iwant-everything-now culture and I am not easy to cook quickly. That is the sign of a proper food- I refuse to be rushed. Look, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face it, you are a horrible tasting little rat- the only reason you are still around is for tradition's sake- why don't you just call it a day? Excuse me?! Horrible tasting?! How bloody dare you. You little bugger. I refuse to continue this conversation. Fuck off.

BRICK LANE GALLERY 5/2/09 www.thebricklanegallery.com

For more information please visit www.spouttastic.com

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CHEER UP YOU BASTARDS A new brighter kind of street art from the artists

Bortusk Leer and Five Four.

BRICK LANE GALLERY 5/2/09 www.thebricklanegallery.com

For more information please visit www.spouttastic.com

Sprout Fact File Name: B. Sprout vegetable Occupation: Festive Around 80,000 Annual Production: uts are metric tons of spro each year produced in the UK derived from a Fact: Sprouts are e type of wild cabbag

Photos by Steven Windle

REPLICA GALLERY Welcome art lovers and pretentious arseholes. This is the Replica Art Gallery.

Right: ‘Empathy’ by Damien Zuch

REPLICA GALLERY Welcome art lovers and pretentious arseholes. This is the Replica Art Gallery.

Right: ‘Empathy’ by Damien Zuch

Miguel Guzman “Dear friends,” “Some mate talked me about you and I was gazing your issue IV and I liked it, so… here you have some drawings. If you feel like publishing them it would be cool for me.” “Cheers and hugs, Miguel Guzman (Born Madrid, living in London)” http://ciervosytrompetas.blogspot.com

Victoria Peel Yates â&#x20AC;&#x153;Tori Peel Yates is a Photographer, Lomographer and artiste. She lives in a little cottage in Dorset with her six cats.â&#x20AC;? victoriapeelyates@hotmail.com

Damien Zuch “Damian Zuch and the stuff he draws are typical Torontonian fusions of his surroundings. He draws influence and inspiration from rusty fire hydrants and dirty bathroom stalls and anything that catches his eye and stays long enough in his brain to make it out on canvas.” “He is friendly, easily distracted and collects bad tattoos.” Left: ‘Chimney Girl’ www.flickr.com/photos/45841296@N00/

Louise Baker â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yeah so I am from Leeds, went to Leeds University. I take photos as a hobby.â&#x20AC;? http://louslostmojo.deviantart.com

Ciaran Anthony “The two skateboarders are Ashley & Oscar that skateboard at Docklands skate park.” “Great mag... keep it up.” ciarananthony@btinternet.com

Solo One Solo One is a south London graffiti artist. To quote Cultural Criminology Unleashed by Jeff Ferrell, at the turn of the century Solo One was ‘...unanimously considered ‘king of stickers’’. www.myspace.com/soloone_vopstar

Tanya Simpson “I'm a professional photographer living and working in Edinburgh.” “...gory stuff is where my true passion lies, which is why I'm sending some bloody goodness for your consideration.” www.violentlybeautiful.com

Paula Salischiker â&#x20AC;&#x153;Paula is an Argentinean-born freelance photographer currently living in London. She completed her studies in Madrid and has attended photography workshops in Italy, Canada and Argentina. Her main area of interest is portraiture and the utilisation and exploration of photography as a tool for remembrance.â&#x20AC;? www.pausal.co.uk

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Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins by Ken Dogg The seven cardinal sins that you must not commit or you face eternal damnation. Commit any of these sins and hell will have horrible punishments waiting for you, freezing water or fire and brimstone and all that. I can’t help think, however, that these seven particular ‘sins’ are in fact part of our every day life and that they make a potentially dull life just that little bit better. Dare I say that life would be boring without them?! The more religious amongst you will have had me struck down at my first sentence but if you just read on you may start to agree. Compared to a life without the odd sin... or seven, eternal damnation would be an exciting prospect. Sloth Laziness, idleness, generally not being bothered about anything. Without this there would be no more days in bed when it’s freezing outside. No more sickies. Actually having to do something as soon as you’ve said you’d do it, so cleaning, house work, uni work, office work all done straight away. Life would be more organised, sure, but you would also be extremely tired all the time and would probably spend nearly all your time working. Doesn’t sound fun to me! Pride Whilst I agree that those people who are seriously proud, too proud to admit

when they are wrong are infuriating, everyone needs a bit of pride in their life. One should take pride in one’s work, one’s opinions, one’s friends, one’s family. As long as you’re not rubbing it in people’s faces and have the time to accept their opinions then a bit of pride can be a good thing, certainly not ‘deadly’. Wrath Anger can be a good thing depending on how you use it. Everyone gets wound up sometimes and everyone needs to let off a bit of steam. Anger can actually be good for you, it’s not the stress causer as some people believe. Like most of these ‘sins’ if used in moderation then it is happy days. If you’re constantly losing the plot for no reason, going nuts at the pavement if you trip or smacking your partner around because your dinner is cold then yeah we’re going into sin territory. But a bit of healthy anger is just as natural as any other emotion we may have and what are you meant to do if someone cheats on you, or someone you love dies or someone steals your lunch at work?! Controlled wrath is just what you need. Lust Ah lust. Perhaps everyone’s favourite sin. Giving in to carnal desires. If this is with our brother’s wife then you may well et a meeting with the devil and perhaps deservedly so. Lust though, enables us to have some of the most

Photo by David Brookes exciting, enjoyable moments of our lives. Finally getting a passionate moment with that person you’ve been after for years, even if it is a moment, can be one of the greatest of our lives and certainly one that you will often fondly remember.

I imagine that a good deal of couples would tell you that without lust they would never have got together with the person who is now their partner and that lust turned to love. Like all the other “sins”, if you go

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XXXXV yourself on booze and turkey and whatever else is offered just because it is there. Everyone engages in a bit of overindulgence now and again which can make you feel a little guilty but it often cheers us up when we’re feeling down, and who doesn’t like going over the top now and again? Envy To be fair, jealousy is really not a very nice trait at all and edges slightly more towards the sin side of things. In a positive way, envy can lead to admiration. Envying someone’s clothes or job or lifestyle can lead to respect and admiration for whatever it is that seems to be out of your reach. It’s when this envy is used in a negative way that we have problems. It can lead to negative wrath or the disruption of someone else’s life (we see it all the time in films, the back-stabbing co-worker, the love cheat etc) but that’s a positive in that it’s such an interesting ‘sin’ that we can make films all about it. Psychologists and the like study this trait to see why it occurs, when it occurs etc.

the gluttony death was simply disgusting. If we all fed ourselves like that then a similar death would be on the cards.

So while this ‘sin’ has more negative potential than the others, it is the most interesting and if controlled can be the most rewarding. At the end of the day everyone gets jealous sometimes so the fact that it’s a part of all our personalities means it can’t be such a horrific feeling.

Everyone has gluttonous moments at some point, I’m sure Christmas will ring home for some people, you gorge

Greed Perhaps the hardest to justify and defend as I myself can’t stand greedy

Photo by Natalie McKenzie around banging anything that moves and problems will start to arise and damnation will be the least of your worries, well at least until that nasty rash clears up. Gluttony We all remember the film Se7en, where

people. People who just take all they can whether they need it or not. People who stop others in need having their share because they cannot bare to give up what they have too much of. However greed is the driving force behind nearly every entertainment show there is going. If you hate all these then you condemn all participants and viewers straight to hell for this ‘sin’. Every time you see a game show contestant making a fool of themselves for our entertainment they are ultimately motivated by greed and the want for the big payout, which often results in compelling viewing. Whilst greed is an unattractive trait it would appear that it not only (like most of these deadly thoughts) appears in all our personalities but it is actually necessary to drive us forward in order to be successful in life. Without greed you may not go for that job you really wanted or spin that roulette wheel one more time in order to win big. Like nearly everything in life, if used in the right way (i.e. in moderation) then all these sins can be a good thing. There are always people who will take things too far and they are the ones who give these ‘sins’ a bad name. Believe me, without any of these life would be extremely boring. The mantle of ‘The seven deadly sins’ makes committing them exciting. For sure the ‘Seven sins that aren’t really deadly if used in the right way’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

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the gluttony death was simply disgusting. If we all fed ourselves like that then a similar death would be on the cards.

Everyone has gluttonous moments at some point, I’m sure Christmas will ring home for some people, you gorge

Greed Perhaps the hardest to justify and defend as I myself can’t stand greedy

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XXXXVII The Controversial Mr. Jeays!

Keith Haworth interrogates chanson singer Phillip Jeays. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s chanson I hear you say? Read on and find out... Keith Haworth. Despite critical plaudits you are still regarded by many fans as being their own personal secret obsession. In fact you seem at times to be wilfully perverse in your maintenance of an under the radar profile. Is that an accurate description? Philip Jeays. I don't think that it is a completely accurate description; I just think my energies are directed more into being creative than being famous. Some people are absolutely hungry for fame and money, and good luck to them, but personally I see art as being sacrednothing on earth (beyond human decency and compassion) is as important as the art we leave behind us; it's all that remains of great civilisations, and more often than not we use it as a yardstick in our judgement of them. Someone once put it like this- if aliens came to this planet and said `give us three reasons not to destroy you`, you wouldn't take them to the Bank of England and show them the money, they'd say `but this is just paper`; you wouldn't take them to Fort Knox and show them the gold, they'd say `but this is just metal`; and you wouldn't take them to the diamond mines in South Africa, they'd say `but these are just stones`- no, you'd show them Van Gogh, or Rembrandt or Rodin, you'd play them Beethoven or Mozart or Brahms, you'd read them Shakespeare or Dylan Thomas- these are the only real reasons for our existence, and all an artist can

truly hope for, the greatest accolade, is to be a link in the chain of their art. Having said that, I do try and get out there when I'm asked. I'll be on tour supporting comedian Robin Ince in the new year, so I'm not being too perverse about it right now... I think I can best sum it up like thisI would rather die one day completely penniless and unknown having written the songs I've written, than die one day as rich and famous as Robbie Williams or Bono having written the songs they've written, because if I had, I'd feel like I'd wasted my life. Art is everything; I want to feel that artistically I've done something worthwhile, even if it doesn't make me any money.

for me, I had never thought about singing at all until I was directly influenced by Brel when living in France in the early 80s, so I came into the music industry wanting to do my own English version of chansonand that's what I'm still trying to do today. Any attempt at `crossing over` for me would simply be to dilute what I'm trying to do, and that I think could only weaken any potential impact, so I'll just have to wait for people to cross over to me instead. And I only tend to get compared to singers like Jarvis by people who've never heard of Jacques Brel.

KH. You inhabit a unique area of popular music that owes far more to the chanson tradition and artists such as Jake Thackray and Jacques Brel than say other artists whom you have also been compared to, such as Jarvis Cocker and Neil Hannon. Why is it that you think that you have failed to cross over to a wider audience?

PJ. Lyrical genius. I was never a fan of dance music, and what these two did was always the antithesis of trite, boring, lyrically bland, chronically dull dance music. I refer to it as `sit down, shut up, and listen to the words` music. Neither ever bowed to fashion, they believed in what they did and they just did it, regardless.

PJ. Jarvis Cocker and Neil Hannon never crossed over anywhere, they were already there- they both come from pop/rock traditions, and may have been influenced to some degree by Brel (or more likely the fatuous American `translations` of Brel that are in the main appalling), but they didn't start out as purveyors of `Chanson`, whereas both Brel and Thackray did. As

KH. Your songs are also often very funny.

KH. What is it that is so appealing to you about artists such as Brel and Thackray?

PJ. Real chanson has always been about entertaining people, that is making people laugh as well as making them cry, but sadly in this country if you sing a funny song you get pigeon-holed as writing `novelty songs`. In France, Brel was known as much for his humour as his

emotional songs, but true to form the Anglo-Saxon world only really embraced the `doom pop` songs. I want to sing both. KH. You sell your own stuff through your own website, is this in effect the Jeays cottage industry? PJ. I don't sell enough of anything to call it an `industry`, cottage or otherwise! But if you want to help, buy something at www.jeays.com! KH. I have frequently compared you to Scott Walkerâ&#x20AC;Ś PJ. A common mistake, but people don't seem to realise that when they hear Scott Walker they are listening to a man who is just trying to copy Brel, in the same way that I am now. In other words Scott Walker and I are both pupils and Brel is the master- why would I want to listen to my fellow pupil when I can listen to the master? Scott Walker isn't bad, but I often find him lyrically weak, Brel is just so much better. KH. Can you give me a scoop on the new album? PJ. We're just waiting to mix it now- it's different in that it has full orchestral arrangements- so these songs sound more like I've always wanted them to sound than anything we've produced so far. Background picture supplied by Phillip Jeays

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XXXXVII The Controversial Mr. Jeays!

KH. Your songs are also often very funny.

KH. What is it that is so appealing to you about artists such as Brel and Thackray?

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UNCLE WETLEGS COLLECTIVE AGONY I’m afraid I have sad news boys and girls. Uncle Wetlegs is terminally ill. This means we need your help. Replica needs you to download an agony sheet and put it on a wall in your home. Here all housemates can anonymously post their problems, and others can endeavor to answer. You can then send your solved

problems in to a frail Uncle Wetlegs for him to mull over and dream of his problem solving past.

Someone has stolen my stash of oily fish. I’m angry because I was flying around for ages trying to find a good place to grab a beakful and now I’ve got no dinner. -Find more fish. But not from the sea, mind. Overfishing is rife these days- you should be looking to solve the problem, not become part of it. Start a fish farm- that way you will never run out of oily fish again.

My compass is broken. -Embark on a two day crash diet of iron filled foods (spinach, Frosties etc). On the evening of the second day simply slip the compass onto your anus and swallow as many iron filings as possible. Start jogging in a northerly direction; the resulting massive internal haemorrhage will flood your digestive tract with your now iron-rich blood, resetting the polarity of the compass needle. Probably.

My head is so full of cheese and potatoes it has swollen to the size of a beach ball and I can’t fit into my top hat. -First of all, stop eating cheese and potatoes. You might want to consider switching to a low carbohydrate, low fat diet. Eat lots of beans and nuts. Then you might want to try putting the Hoover in your ear to get rid of that build up of cheesy goodness.

The questions and answers featured in this issue are from the walls of 129 Cumbubble Road, London.

I don’t have enough questions to fill up the agony aunt page in my magazine. -Shit- you’re in trouble. Your readers need the agony aunt column to help them overcome difficulties in their lives. Why not have them send in their own problems with the questions already answered? That way you would have very little to do and your readers will still get their advice. You could call it ‘collective agony’. Brilliant.

Download an agony sheet and put it on your wall: www.replicamag.co.uk/Uncle_Wetlegs_Notice.pdf Go on, entertain the Uncle.

I have no problems to share. -Take a hit of smack. Problem created.

Anna and Rosie are arguing. -Buy them lots of treats and rub their bellies. Make them tea and tell them how wonderful they are. I’ve taken too many sweets and now my life is over. -Oh no. I feel sad. -Go to a party. Someone keeps eating all my cheese. My girlfriend thinks I have a cheese addiction and won’t believe that it wasn’t me. -Find a safer spot to hide your cheese. I would recommend hiding it under a bag of salad. Bistro salad always works well. Failing that try soaking your cheese in a strong laxative. Lurk outside the toilet and you should catch the culprit pretty quickly.

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problems in to a frail Uncle Wetlegs for him to mull over and dream of his problem solving past.

The questions and answers featured in this issue are from the walls of 129 Cumbubble Road, London.

Download an agony sheet and put it on your wall: www.replicamag.co.uk/Uncle_Wetlegs_Notice.pdf Go on, entertain the Uncle.

I have no problems to share. -Take a hit of smack. Problem created.

XXXXX WE NEED CONTRIBUTORS Untitled by Joshua Thomas Allen I was in the living room, playing with boundaries, dissolving friends faces. Creeping behind a garden shed and emerging virginal and lost: a foreigner in my home country, observing all and knowing nothing (of who I was and when and why) Thumbing through grass, seeking the earth’s humble muse (no bigger than an agate-stone). Autumn came, with its mists and mellow fruits, bringing something hidden beneath to life, which before lay dormant. Five eager teacups beside a bubbling pan Five eager people

drink what they can. Blind, I tap tap tap through desert, an oasis of butterflies Flowers, couches and a television, spewing blue light and white noise, hyroglyphics spreading across the carpet Kaleidescoping. Time finally worked right, too slow to count the hours, the second hand dragging its companions so slowly they looked painted on. We sit together in the temple adorned by images of us sat together, we talk of nothing and remember talking trees, blue denim oceans and lollipop worlds.

“REPLICA NEEDS

YOU” Get off your arse and do something. Air your opinions. Get published. Start a fucking riot (just make sure you tell us about it).

REPLICA MAGAZINE Combating apathy and boredom nationwide. www.replicamag.co.uk

“REPLICA NEEDS

YOU” Get off your arse and do something. Air your opinions. Get published. Start a fucking riot (just make sure you tell us about it).

REPLICA MAGAZINE Combating apathy and boredom nationwide. www.replicamag.co.uk

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS ISSUE

End.