CALMzine 27 by SASP

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DANNY BOYLE The Trainspotting Director talks T2 and the power of creativity

TOM GRENNAN “I’ve found something in myself that I can’t explain”

CALEB FEM I // JONNY BENJAM I N // CHEVY ROUGH // JAMES THRELFALL

What’s the story? Flicking through Twitter last month I was introduced to the work of a psychology professor, Dan P McAdams. He’s an expert on the concept of ‘narrative identity’, the idea that people construct their identity through storytelling, integrating life experiences into an internalized, evolving story of the self. It’s like your own personal myth, giving a sense of unity and purpose, with heroes and villains that help or hinder, major events that determine the plot, challenges to overcome and suffering we have endured. A story we continually tell ourselves and others – with a beginning, middle and end. At first this could seem obvious, even trite. But the most interesting part is that according to Dan, the most significant factor in how we feel and what we do in life is not the major events themselves but how we interpret them and place them in our ‘plot’. We can write and rewrite our own story, and even small edits (like reframing a mistake as a lesson) can have dramatic effects on our life, our relationships, and our happiness. It’s an idea that gives a feeling of possibility, everything being up for grabs. In this issue of CALMzine we hear the stories of a few men who’ve overcome hardship, seized opportunities and turned obstacles into platforms. Dan would call these ‘redemptive stories’ (good things coming from painful circumstances) as opposed to ‘contamination stories’ (bad shit fucking up a good life).

In the mix we have the incredible Jonny Benjamin, who survived a suicide attempt, partly due to the kindness of a stranger, and then launched a nationwide campaign and writing career (and so much more); Chevy Rough, who went from hedonistic city boy to royally-approved running coach, fusing mindfulness with movement; Soul singer Tom Grennan who sidestepped a career as a professional footballer to find his voice in music and lose himself in the process; and one of the most iconic storytellers alive today, Danny Boyle, who muses on the joy found in sharing our stories with others in a creative and meaningful way. Enjoy and take care! Paul

Credits Editor & Art Direction: Paul Shiels Design: Gabriella Lanni, Theobald Fox Cover art: Joe Goldman Contributors: Lindsay Fagan, Caleb Femi, Jonny Benjamin, Steve Ward, Jamie Drew, Simon Tiblick, James Threlfall, Chevy Rough, Joshua Idehen, David Kirkwood, Helena Coan, Sheila Marshall. Thanks to TOPMAN for their continued support.

What’s the story?

Inside... 4 8

Who is Jonny Benjamin?

Art Show: Joe Goldman

Chevy Rough The Mindfull Mover

BROverwatch

Tom Grennan interview

All Aboard - Skater James Threlfall

Danny Boyle Q&A

A poem by Caleb Femi

Dear Josh

35 Thank you

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Tweet us your ideas and views @CALMzine #CALMzineIdea Or send us an email at editor@thecalmzone.net. Or write to us at PO Box 68766. If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on Twitter @theCALMzone. Inside...

Jonny Benjamin MBE is a multi-talented, multi-faceted man – difficult to sum up in a few words. So we won’t even try. We’ll leave it all to him. On the theme of identity, we asked him to write about how he feels about some of the labels he’s grown up with.

I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) at the age of 20. When the psychiatrist told me it felt like my whole world had suddenly come to a halt. Not only had my life been a lie (I believed

People often refer to me as a mental health campaigner, though I always feel slightly awkward when I hear this as I feel like I could be much more of an activist. From schools to prisons to our mental health system,

I was on my own version of the Truman Show) but I now had a diagnosis of which included schizophrenia (that mental illness associated with so many violent mass murderers.) I was fucked. For a long time after my life was consumed by this label and I felt it wasn’t worth living.

there’s so much that’s so flawed, and so much to campaign on, it often seems an impossible task. I always refer to the famous words of John Heywood when it feels overwhelming, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they were laying bricks every hour.”

Watching the Oscar winning film A Beautiful Mind, a biopic of Nobel Prize winner John Nash, changed everything for me. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and yet had succeeded beyond all expectation. I was going to prove them wrong and do the same. I’ve still to win my Nobel Prize for Mathematics like John but I have succeeded in spite of the illness. It doesn’t rule my life like it once did, though it still rears its ugly head from time to time. 4

I think the first time I realised I was gay was when I was about 10 years old. I was sitting in a restaurant having dinner for my Gran’s birthday when this waiter appeared to take our order. He looked like Hugh Jackman. Boom. Something inside me was aroused. Not what you might be thinking though...I was just ten! I didn’t “come out” till I was 21 and that was tough. Part of the reason for my breakdown

Who is Jonny Benjamin?

"Not all my family know I’m gay. Though if they’re reading this, I guess they might now. And perhaps that isn’t such a bad thing after all."

and suicide attempt at 20 was due to my sexuality. I couldn’t come to terms with it and was convinced it would bring huge shame on me and my family. At that time, they didn’t exactly throw a coming out party if you said you were gay in the Jewish community. Things are changing now fortunately. If I’m completely honest, I’m still not 100% comfortable with being gay. Not all my family know yet. Though if they’re reading this, I guess thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

they might now. And perhaps that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

My entry into the world of mental health began with video blogging. I started vlogging in 2010, setting the trend for the likes of Zoella and today’s famous YouTubers. I now have over 100 vlogs and 10k subscribers, only 11 million less than said Zoella. I was vlogging under

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“IBS can make life really shit, quite literally.”

a pseudonym as a medium to talk about my mental illness, until Stephen Fry randomly tweeted one of my vlogs in 2012, and life was never the same again after that.

It’s not something I talk about much but having IBS can make life really shit, quite literally. I feel more comfortable and confident talking about my mind than my guts. It’s still something of a taboo, and definitely something that causes a lot of embarassment. I was diagnosed with IBS in my mid-twenties and since then my bowels have never been the same. Lately I’ve been struggling with my IBS a lot but putting off addressing it. I’ve had a camera shoved up my backside a few times now and it ain’t pretty! But writing this has made me realise I need to see my GP. I’m tired of suffering with it, mostly in silence. Thanks, CALMzine.

I don’t think I’m a great poet or writer. Actually, sometimes I do. But then other times, and in fact most of the time, I think I’m about as eloquent as a goldfish. I did have a book 6

of poetry published in 2012, Pill After Pill, and next year I’m having my first book published, as yet to be titled. I used to write all the time with other people in mind, but finally I’m starting to write for myself. I love writing. I find it easier than talking. It’s always been incredibly cathartic for me. But over the years the worry of how other people will judge my writing has got the better of me. I haven’t written something that’s been published for a while till this, so please be kind dear reader!

I was heavily influenced by my faith growing up. I used to go to Sunday school each week and eventually attended a Jewish secondary school. I was determined to be a good Jew from a young age. Realising I was gay put a spanner in the works and looking back was a big contributor to my mental health issues. At 16 I began hearing what I thought was the voice of the devil in my head. It was hell. That voice tortured and tormented me for a long time. When I eventually got my diagnosis and started having treatment I became resentful

Who is Jonny Benjamin?

“Most of my twenties were spent despising myself to the core. But finally, at 30, that’s starting to change at last.“

toward my religion. I remember ranting for ages at God one day in hospital. Him and me were through. As I got better I began to reconnect with my faith. Nowadays I’m careful about where I talk about being Jewish. People have strong opinions about religion and I worry that people assume all Jews support Israel’s actions toward Palestine. I don’t personally at all. Hashtag Peace4TheMiddleEast.

I’m a rubbish man. From the size of my twig-like biceps to my virtually non-existent sex life (I’ve only ever had sex with 2 people but i’ll always say it’s 10-40 depending on which male counterpart I’m trying to impress) I often feel thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

inferior to most other men around me. It is silly isn’t it. Especially since I’m constantly preaching to people to “be their true selves.” I’ve still got a way to go in terms of self-acceptance, clearly, in many areas of my life. Currently I’m having CFT or Compassion Focused Therapy. It might not seem it but I am making progress. I used to loathe myself. Most of my twenties were spent despising myself to the core. But finally, at 30, that’s starting to change at last. Follow this heroic and prolific man @MrJonnyBenjamin Illustrations by Joe Goldman nonsens.co.uk

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Joe Goldman Joe Goldman is a London based painter and illustrator of futuristic and figurative pieces, alongside more minimal geometric imagery. In these latter works, paint is applied in glazes to create subtle colour effects and distinctly graphic compositions, a style inspired by graffiti, taking a surreal look at the modern world and our place in it. For enquiries, and to view more of his work, visit: Instagram: @Joe_Goldman_art nonsens.co.uk

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The Mindful MOVER HEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S GONE FROM HEDONISTIC CITY BOY TO ROYALLY APPROVED RUNNING COACH. NOW CHEVY ROUGH IS ON A MISSION TO HELP US CONNECT MIND AND BODY. Photo by: Tom Watkins

Chevy Rough - The Mindful Mover

You might know his face from the BBC One documentary Mind Over Marathon, which saw him coach ten runners with mental health problems in the run up to the London Marathon. We sat down with ex-City boy, performance and mindfulness coach, and CALM Ambassador, Chevy Ray Rough to hear about his journey to coaching and find out what he means by mindful movement. My journey with movement began quite late in life, around 30. I worked in the City for about 17 years. I partied a lot, it wasn’t a great time. I was on the tail-end of a bender on Christmas Day morning, wrapping presents and taking drugs with my in-laws coming round. That wasn’t a good or healthy place – there were too many dark days, too much abuse and self-harm with alcohol and drugs, and destruction of relationships around me. I knew I needed to make change, so I started walking. I had this book, London’s Top 20 Walks. I thought to myself, if I can commit to this every weekend it’ll keep me out of the pub. Having that structure gave me something to be accountable to. 150 minutes of walking a week can have the same benefits as an anti-depressant. I didn’t know that back then but I was getting a positive physical response, being out in nature having time to myself, disconnecting from technology. I’ve never had a positive routine in my life and that’s what movement and exercise did for me. It gave me a space to think. It’s like going into therapy, you start to learn a lot about yourself because you spend time alone. A lot of my issues come back to my relationship with my father. A big thing for me happened two months into hiking – I was half way up thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

a mountain, thinking about the lack of his presence in my life. And I remember forgiving him. Movement helped me let go. The walks weren’t the solution though, there was a lot of going back and forward, falling back into bad habits. After a while I wanted more. So I started running. Running became

“I was on the tail-end of a bender on Christmas Day morning,wrapping presents and taking drugs with my in-laws coming round.” this really great thing because suddenly I was in control of my body. But it wasn’t all healthy because I was running with my ego, I was validating myself through speed and distance. And as a guy I wanted to be at the front of the pack with the fast guys. I let my ego take over. I didn’t show any humility. I knew nothing about my body, sitting at a desk for 17 years. My ego was fuelling me. People would say you’re doing this positive thing, I was, but I was beasting myself, I was running away from myself, it was a distraction, actually a form of self-harm. I was in this turmoil of pushing myself too hard, getting injured – and then the mind starts to tell you ‘you’re not good enough to be out here, you don’t deserve to be in front of the pack’.

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“I don’t ask people to come run with me because if I do, a lot say ‘I’m not a runner’. But what if I just say ‘come move with me’?” Photo by: Steve Ward

I got into this negative conversation with myself and then you’d find me back in the pub ordering drugs. Back, forward, back, forward. That’s what I was doing for years. Thankfully I found a community who nurtured me, Run Dem Crew. They helped me explore myself in a positive space, and how to socially interact without alcohol and drugs. But I was still getting injured again and again. The injuries culminated in a realisation that I need to look after my body. So what am I gonna do? Go to the gym. And what do I do at the gym? Well the guys are downstairs lifting really heavyweights...so I walk up to the squat rack, I put it what’s probably more than my own body weight on my back, down I go, no idea what I’m doing, I stand up and ‘POP’ I get a hernia. So I’ve done it again, damaged myself. I found something I loved but I didn’t respect it, I abused it, used it as a weapon of self harm. Now I was back not moving. That injury led me to being off the road for 18 months. But it didn’t stop me. I got hernia surgery and I went back to the gym with the attitude of ‘let’s educate myself, let’s understand that I know nothing about me right now’. Ultimately that lead me to building a positive relationship with movement, and that led me to quitting the city a couple of years ago, retraining as a personal trainer and a run coach. 12

A huge thing for me is understanding why people want to move. So I have to start with why do I move? I used to say ‘as long as I’m moving I’m happy, I’m a better version of myself, I’m escaping my depression, I’m not doing drugs etc’ but there’s a layer below all that. Recently I found out through therapy the reason I move is that as long as I’m moving I’m not thinking about suicide. We seem to define our movement by numbers. How fast did I go? How far? How much did I lift? But movement to me is the art of putting one foot in front of the other. Through training or life. I don’t ask people to come run with me because if I do, a lot say ‘I’m not a runner’. But what if I just say ‘come move with me’? Let’s just go for a walk. If we’re defined by our personal bests or how much we lift that can mean that when we don’t hit our goals, this negative talk sets in. In this way the numbers and certain ideas around fitness can be barriers to people having a healthy approach to movement, or doing it at all, so we need to break that down. Disconnect from the numbers. I think our visual representations of fitness are so off. Let’s say I’m a man and I want to try new things out. People are telling me that I should do yoga. OK so let’s Google yoga for men, what is my visual representation? Men with six packs doing handstands upside down. I go to a class, I can’t touch my toes, I’ve got

Chevy Rough - The Mindful Mover

“I think our visual representations of fitness are so off.”

really tight hips, there’s some lovely ladies around me on the mat and I’m having to get down to this position, I can’t breathe I’m sweating in this insecure and vulnerable position. Why would I want to go back? I want to hide at the back of the class, thank you. So I look at running, well it’s just people running fast and running hard and the first time I go out and run I’m just walking, my body is pushing back on me I’m seeing that as a failure. If I join a run club, well I’m running at the back of the pack and I don’t want to be there so maybe I should I do CrossFit, but I go in and I see six packs...no way to I’m standing next to that guy! That doesn’t inspire me. The only thing that I know is going into the gym by myself. I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to get a personal trainer because I don’t want to give myself to another man. Do I want to ask a girl for help? I’m not sure. So I might as well just hide in the back by myself. Sometimes I think we don’t know where to go as men.

with looking weak? Why do we have to put this mask on and look strong? Expose yourself, let me see you go through the pain of trying to open up your hips on the ground and not being able to touch your toes and let’s own that movement over time and with good practice. Let’s not be fearful of it, let’s just see it as a process of learning. I base my principles around three things: movement, connection and community. It’s about building a safe nurturing place for people to find confidence within themselves and then explore that confidence with like minded people. The guys that we do see coming in that stick at it, we see them fly. And that’s not on the road, that’s off the road. I’m on an exploration of understanding what mindful movement is. I know that movement can help with everything, all aspects of your life. I’ve seen it in myself, with my friends and the people I’ve worked with on #MindOverMarathon and in my community. I’m not a fitness guru with all the answers, that doesn’t exist. If you ask me what mindful movement is in 12 months I’ll give you a better answer. Follow Chevy @chevyrayrough Get moving for CALM and join our very own runners crew coached by Chevy himself! Head to thecalmzone.net/events

But we need to have that conversation of ‘why don’t you want to look weak?’ What’s wrong thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

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BRO

verwatch

Words by Jamie Drew Illustration by Sam Darlow @DarlowSamuel

BROverwatch

A group of young men use a shoot ‘em up game to watch over their bros, with an alternative, inclusive and empathetic form of masculinity… Let me tell you about Overwatch. Overwatch is a video game that’s all about

I've been trying to get my friends to play this

teamwork. A lovely multiplayer first person

with me for almost a year - you get a 20%

shooter, it sees players gather into teams

group bonus towards those loot boxes - and

of six to secure a point on the map before

a few months ago it worked. I finally dragged

the other team do. There are 25 characters,

JP, Duncan, and Carl down to my level, the

all of whom play in such diverse styles it's

playing-at-3am level, and a funny thing

like you're playing a different game than

happened: we started talking.

your teammates, all of whom have different roles in the team composition, and all of whom require a certain level of technical knowledge and improvisation skills on top of the communication skills you'll need to win a match. Widowmaker is a blue sniper;

“We're all in that weird, liminal period of our lives, feeling stuck in careers and relationships, feeling hard-done by the state of the world right now, feeling kind of alone“

Soldier: 76 is your Call of Duty soldier man; Orisa is a robot centaur crossing guard built by an eight-year-old African girl; Junkrat

By that I don't mean, "how was your day?";

and Roadhog have their own kind of

I mean, "how was your day?" We're all in

Mad Max thing going on.

that weird, liminal period of our lives, feeling stuck in careers and relationships, feeling

As you play, you gather loot boxes, which

hard-done by the state of the world right

contain cosmetic items like graffiti templates

now, feeling kind of alone in the world, and

you can place on walls or entire costumes

at some point the group chat moved from

("skins") for your favourite characters.

tactical movements in a “Protect the Payload” session towards a more frank and open place

“It looks like a Pixar movie, it plays like a dream and someone smarter than me once described it as “nerd basketball.”

in the real world. And we’re recording it for a YouTube series called Broverwatch. Duncan's friend fed back after our pilot episode: "it's surreal to see men talking so frankly about their feelings."

It looks like a Pixar movie, it plays like a dream and someone smarter than me

It's hard to disagree with that: for the

once described it as “nerd basketball”.

couple of years while I was working with

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Jamie

Duncan

teenagers in a semi-therapeutic position, I

isolated. You get lonely. Then you latch

pretended to be a hardcore Blackburn Rovers

on to the first community that will accept

supporter, keeping tabs on matches over the

you, but maybe you don't find one that does.

weekend, arming myself with the knowledge

The cycle continues. You stay lonely. You can

before a session and jettisoning it straight

look inwards, which is hard, or you can look

afterwards. I did this because it was the only

outward, which is easy, which is convenient,

way two young men, smiling awkwardly

to say that your loneliness isn't your fault

across the table from one another for ninety

but the fault of those who shut you out,

non-consecutive minutes a week, could relate

failed to relate to you. Luckily, the nerds at

to one another.

my high school chess club took me in before it got too bad, like a pack of wolves finding

"The man sitting across from you right

a helpless baby, but that was a few years

now is not a strange man," I was saying,

before YouTube.

in a language my clients could understand. "The man sitting across from you has

“Right now, if you’re a young man struggling to find his place in the world, the internet is full of young men just like you, which is a blessing and a curse.”

your best interests at heart because he is more like you than your parents and your teachers. This man is a good man, a kind man. This man understands you." It's not a lie, exactly; I followed the Rovers until their 1997 season. Since then, I've

Right now, if you're a young man struggling

been standing at the sidelines of barbecues,

to find his place in the world, the internet

holding on to a warm beer, nodding and

is full of young men just like you, which is

grinning and uh-huh yeah-ing my way

a blessing and a curse. If you're a quiet kid

through loud conversations with taller

who likes movies and video games, you're

men. I don't make many male friends.

spoiled for choice, but the choice is spoiled. You can find someone who speaks your

And what happens when you can't relate

language pretty easily, but you'll easily

to the people around you, the people you

stumble into the echo chamber of

think could be like you? You become

the self-styled "alt-right," a hyper-conservative

BROverwatch

in opposition to women's issues and the issues non-white communities face. You'll hear about men's issues like you'll hear about a war; there's winners and losers to be decided, and these guys won't lose. Only one group of people can have problems and only ours are valid. Issues are wielded like weapons: the male suicide rate is higher than the sexual assault rate; the white man isn't allowed to say whatever slurs

Carl

just happen to pop into their heads; we are forced to accept whatever pronouns a person

collection of young people yelling the same

decides for themselves.

Nazi-esque rhetoric into their webcams for their viewers, whose numbers would make

Then: GamerGate, doxxing, death threats,

Arthur C. Nielsen weep.

violence. Smarter people than I have talked about the real-world impact of angry young

See PewDiePie: the most popular English-

men online.

language YouTube personality by a long shot, recently dropped from his lucrative

So we started recording our conversations

multi-channel network deal for racist and

and putting them on YouTube as a way to

anti-Semitic jokes.

reach some of those young men. Sometimes we're not okay, sometimes men aren't okay,

The alt-right echo-chamber will make you

and it's okay to talk about that without being

think that women are against you. Minorities

a dickhead about it.

are against you. They're not like you, so they don't give a fuck about you, so why should you give a fuck about them? They want your slice of this pie we call 'life.' It's easier to look outward. It's easier to accept that

“BROverwatch is a demonstration of an alternative, inclusive, empathetic form of masculinity.”

you're not the source of your own problems. BROverwatch is a demonstration of an

“If you’re having problems, you can find people who are talking about men’s issues, sure, but that talk is often in opposition to women’s issues and the issues non-white communities face.“

alternative, inclusive, empathetic form of masculinity. We play Overwatch and sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Sometimes we get sidetracked and talk about ghosts, and the talk gets heated, but when we need it, we love and support each other the best we can. The other stuff doesn't

If you're having problems, you can find

really matter.

people online who are talking about men's issues, sure, but that talk is often thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

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Title: Goes Here

Finds what he’s been looking for Words by: Paul Shiels Illustration by: Lindsay Fagan Tom Grennan has an endearing laddishness, a swagger. He loves it, in his own words.

The Bedford-born 22-year-old has kept hairs on end with a half hour set in CALM’s tiny Torch Songs tent at Secret Garden Party, after a main stage performance earlier that day. He belts out four tunes that sound big and catchy on first listen. With a satisfyingly smoky and soulful

football. As a teenager Tom played for Luton Town, Northampton Town, Aston Villa and Stevenage. The fella only took up singing three years ago.

voice he spans blues, indie, reggae, northern soul and R&B. Although the tent is fairly quiet to begin with, people trickle in, lured by that voice. By the time he starts his third song, the uplifting single, Found What I’ve Been Looking For, a rowdy crew has congregated at the front, they're devoted Grennan fans that have just about managed to locate our tent, and seemingly football fans too – evident from vaguely familiar chants that ripple around the crowd, egged on by Tom. After the set he gives me ten minutes before he has to dart off to another stage. I offer him a warm beer in the back of a white van and tell him his voice just blew me away. It must be the big lungs from many years of competitive thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

“I was close to playing over in the States but something was telling me not to.” At a house party to celebrate his decision to stay home he "got fucked for the first time", leading to a singalong session where he startled the party with his voice, even getting offers to join a band. It's a stand out example of one door closing and another opening. "My head was turned by music and people saying I had a voice." So he went all in on this music thing, and after moving to London for university the gigs came thick and fast.

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Photo by: Hannah Goodwin

His debut EP, Something In The Water was produced by Charlie Hugall (Florence and The Machine, The Maccabees) then Chase & Status caught wind of his emotive rasp and got him in for the radio friendly D&B When It All Goes Wrong, winning Hottest Record on Annie Mac’s Radio 1 Show. After that it was Radio 1 Live Lounge, BBC Two's Later with Jools Holland, and now.... the CALM Torch Songs stage! I explain the idea behind our Torch Songs campaign, celebrating the power of music to lift us out of life’s low points, with UK artists covering the songs that have turned things around when things got tough, be that depression or writer’s block. I wonder if someone that comes across so confident ever finds the extra attention and pressure difficult. "At the moment no. I’m a very... " he hesitates, before smirking "I love it. I like people looking at me. And I’m doing this because I love making music. I’ve always thought that I’m here to put a stamp on the world I’m living in. I’m here to put a message out. The fact that people relate to my message, me just sitting in my room and saying what I’m 20

feeling, and then they take it back to their rooms and sit with it and relate – it's cool.” “I enjoy people knowing what I’m about. I've made a connection with fans, I feel like I know them and they know me. I’m very privileged. I’m very blessed that I’m not, y’know, working in Costa. I used to work in Costa, but now I’m out here meeting people like yourself, making people smile. I'm loving my life right now." That’s clear from his stage presence. But I wonder if he ever gets performance anxiety. Is the swagger a front? He shrugs it off, "Nah. When I’m on there doing it it’s not me…” he’s almost describing a ‘flow state' when on stage, the phenomenon of ego dissolution and a warped sense of time and space when fully absorbed in a creative or technical activity. "I don’t see myself do it. I come off and its like, wow, fucking hell! I’ve just done that.” However off stage he does get anxious at times, “something happened to me a couple of years ago, I won’t go into it now, but something changed my life

Tom Grennan finds what he’s been looking for

and sometimes when I’m in certain situations like big crowds for example, I go 'woooow’." He waves his hands up signalling 'I can't handle this'. "Everyone experiences anxiety in some form and everyone deals with it in their own way, sometimes people let it get the better of them and sometimes people can’t control it."

I wonder if the song format allows him to be vulnerable in a way he wouldn't otherwise be. Does simply talking to someone about how he feels come so easily? “Yeah man, I’m a very open person. I’m a very emotional person. I’m a cryer. A cry is proper good for you."

I wonder if these moments can be fuel for creativity. Can life-changing or traumatic experiences be an inspiration for art?

His girlfriend shouts to him from our tent, signalling that his mates want to head elsewhere and enjoy the festival. “Two minutes!” he shouts, and I have one last question: what’s next?

“Inspirational shit comes from family and friends. That’s where my writing comes from. My voice comes from... not pain, it’s not hurt but... I've found something in myself that I can’t explain. It’s like meditation, it’s my release."

He's not wrong.

"My album. My album's gonna be different. There's not been an album like it for a while. The songs are sick. Fact." We look forward to it. And with that he’s off.

So what song would he cover if he was to do a Torch Song for CALM? "Amy Winehouse Back To Black.” he says without hesitation. "It's very real. She’s speaking to someone, for me that song talks differently. That’s why her music is so sick, because the music is for someone, it’s direct." thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

Found What I've Been Looking For is out now on Spotify Follow him @Tom_Grennan

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Expert Picks

5 Glorious Vintage Football Shirts Vintage football shirts are about much more than tribalism and the team you support. Visually gratifying and nostalgic, they speak to a collective consciousness – shared memories of particular players, tournaments and matches – in a way that other items fail to do. They’re also having a menswear moment, with retro designs and obscure classics being revived by labels and streetwear movements like never before. To pinpoint which shirts you need to know about, we got consultant, historian and fanatic, Neal Heard, on board… Neal Heard is the author of a Lover’s Guide to Football Shirts, and basically knows everything there is to know about iconic merch. It was a good time to chat to Neal as he’s recently curated The Art of the Football Shirt, an exhibition that linked together the stories of rare and seminal kits with the worlds of music, fashion and politics. With the new Premier League season now in full swing we asked Neal to select his ultimate five-a-side of footy shirts.

England 1966 (Away Shirt) “It’s hard to see this jersey without saying ‘there’s people on the pitch, they think it’s all over’…but this shirt is also simply striking due to its pared-back lo-fi classicism. 100% heavy cotton, one block colour, no brand logo, no sponsor name, just the badge, and all the better for it.”

Holland 1988 (Home Shirt) “This shirt was a trend setter. On the pitch it’s fondly associated with a dreadlocked Ruud Gullit and a volleying Marco Van Basten, but its off-pitch legacy is just as great. This is kinda the start of graphical patterns on shirts and after the genie was out of the bottle, things were never the same again.”

Leeds United 1989-91 (Home Shirt) “How could a serious exhibition looking at how the world of football shirts and fashion and not include this offering from Leeds Utd back in 1989-91? It’s rare for fashion brands to sponsor footy clubs, but Topman did so to great effect for two seasons. A minimal design with a splash of colour, topped off by one of those sponsors that enhances rather than takes away from a shirt, oh, and who can forget the model they drafted in to show it off to the world? No less than Vinnie Jones!”

England 1990 (Third Shirt) “Italia ’90 changed a lot of things for football – and its generally credited for re-introducing the sport back into the mainstream. A big part of that was the release of the best football song ever, ‘World in Motion’ by New Order was a game changer and seeing this shirt being worn by Bernard Sumner in the official video was a trend setting moment.”

France 2011 (Away Shirt) “Simple sartorial jaw-dropper, this one. France and Nike went back to basics with this one, and it’s something Jean Paul Gaultier would have been proud of, the first time Englishmen were seen wearing a French shirt, it was that good!”

Inspired? Find the latest trend updates at TOPMAN.COM 23

Pro skateboarder and presenter James Threlfall is giving back to the community that made him. Words by: Simon Timblick Photography by: Canvas Spaces At age six, James was hooked on American skating superstar Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video games, using his older brother Mark’s Playstation to do virtual 360 flips. He got his

into radio and TV presenting. His new TV series, Now Boarding is already showing in 60 countries around the world. He has thousands of followers on social media, including Tony Hawk and UK

first skateboard when he was 12 and a few years later began landing footwear and drink endorsements while still at school. At age 18, sports clothing brand Animal called him “one of the country’s most progressive skaters”.

garage star Craig David. Oh, and he is a CALM ambassador too.

“I’ve always been into competitive sport,” explains 24-year-old James. “My brother Mark is now a professional tri-athlete and does presenting for the Global Triathlon Network. Back when we were kids Mark was a national swimmer. That made me want to do well at sports too. So when I saw the world of professional skateboarding I thought, ‘That’s what I’m going to do’.” Fast-forward to the present, James still competes in competitions but has also moved 24

“To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve made it. There’s always room to improve. I still get jelly legs before I compete in a competition and that is something I’ve been trying to get on top of

“To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve made it. There’s always room to improve. I still get jelly legs before I compete in a competition” All Aboard

more. When I take the pressure off myself, I skate a lot better. But when I get so caught up in my mind I don’t do so well. It’s interesting, there is a real psychological side to the sport

James worked on the design of the new park with construction company Canvas Spaces who built the new facility. The park is popular with everyone from kids, 40-something dads

which is often underestimated.”

to James himself.

2017 has been a good year for James so far. As well as the radio and TV opportunities, James saw victory after backing a long-running campaign to build a new skate park in Melksham, Wiltshire where he grew up. It officially opened at King George V Playing Fields this August, on the same site as the original skate park where James mastered his moves as a teenager.

He believes this is a good example of how skateparks across the country create a supersociable skating community where everyone is welcome regardless of experience.

“I basically owe everything to that skatepark,” says James. “If it hadn’t been there I probably wouldn’t be doing the things I’m doing today. So a few years ago, when I saw how the park was falling apart, I realized we needed to take action or we would lose it.” thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

“In football you’d never have a situation where you were playing football with your mates in a field and a Premier League footballer would come on down. But in skate parks that literally happens,” James explains. “You’ve got younger guys learning to skate alongside the guys who are already competing in all the big contests. There aren’t many private training grounds for skateboarding. So we all use these great public facilities.”

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With this issue of CALMzine focusing on identity, what kind of reaction does James get when folk find out he’s a professional skateboarder?

in largely male-based extreme sports. Last year, Dave Mirra, a champion BMX rider from America took his own life at the age of

Is there still a stereotype of slackers in baggy clothes?’

41. And earlier this summer, news of the suicide of a young male skateboarder shocked the skating community.

“I think the perception has changed,” reckons James. “It’s an interesting time in skateboarding. We’ve just been included in the 2020 Olympics Games in Tokyo, although lots of people would prefer skateboarding was kept underground as this niche thing while others want to make a career of it and hope the Olympics will be the next big step for them. But whatever the opinion, skateboarding definitely has a bigger profile now. Who knows, maybe the Olympics will help show the world there is more to skateboarding than that stereotype?” Unfortunately, some things haven’t changed enough, including the pressures of competing 26

“Extreme action sports still have this macho persona,” says James who is working with CALM to raise awareness around male suicide in the sporting world. “You’ve got to be pretty tough to take the falls and tumbles. In skateboarding you have this amazing network of people who could be a big support. But there’s still this manly, competitive culture where guys are afraid to show weakness. It stops them talking about the issues troubling them. Someone could be battling with something terrible inside and you might never know until it’s too late to help,”. James says. “If you had a physical injury you would go to hospital for medical help. So if

All Aboard

you’re battling something like depression why should you have to go through that alone? We still need more high-profile athletes to share their own stories and help raise awareness. Even if it saves the life of one person it’s worth it.” Twitter @threlfalljames Instagram @jamesthrelfall

thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

“In skateboarding you have this amazing network of people who could be a big support. But there’s still this manly, competitive culture where guys are afraid to show weakness.”

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Danny Boyle On Trainspotting T2, masculinity and the joy of creating Words by: Neil Wood & Paul Shiels Photography by: Chocolate films “There are more people buried here than there are alive today in Tower Hamlets,” says Danny Boyle from atop a small stage in Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park. Given the sky is treacle black and we’re gathered in the middle of a massive graveyard, you’d be forgiven for thinking we’re on the set of a new Boyle horror movie.

surroundings and the festival’s history: he’s barely visible, cutting a half-man, half-shadow figure as he moves in and out of light cast from a giant screen to his left. We’re about to watch Trainspotting T2, Boyle’s incredible sequel to the 1996 classic, and the man himself is taking questions about the movie, its characters, and its themes of masculinity.

In fact, we’re hosting a Q&A with Danny at Shuffle Festival in Mile End – an annual

“Trainspotting was a big surprise hit,” he says unashamedly. “It was a film about a bunch

event CALM has partnered with that exhibits creativity through film, science, performance, architectural installations, walks, food, and music. Boyle, a local resident, enthuses about the

of drug abusers and normally those films tended to empty cinemas rather than fill them. Everyone was advising against doing it but we were in love with the book, it’s an absolute masterpiece of modern writing, way better than the film.” “The first film is very hedonistic and it’s very masculine, all the things you think you can get away with in your 20s. But then you think what happens to those characters when they hit their mid-40s and they can’t have that attitude anymore?”

“Everyone was advising against doing it but we were in love with the book, it’s an absolute masterpiece of modern writing, way better than the film.”

“The characters have lost their voice in a way. They’re in their mid-40s and they don’t have anything.” T2 happens. 20 years have passed but Renton, Sick Boy, Begbie, and Spud return older and, somehow, even more confused. They are men of a moment, clinging to their past; to their hopes; to their rage; to not a great deal it seems.

Is the middle-aged malaise that these men experience reflective of what many men in the UK are going through? Given suicide rates are highest among men in their forties?

“I remember talking at the time of T1 about how men were very bad at maintaining friendships and how women are so much better at doing that. Men tend to fracture those schoolboy friendships. And, you sort of forget about it, but the first film is driven by voiceover. We decided on this one that there would be no voiceover because the characters have lost their voice in a way. They’re in their mid-40s and they don’t have anything. They’re forced back together to examine their lives.” You see this clearly in the central characters, particularly in Begbie, a man Boyle describes as an archetypal monster – “you’d hope you never know a guy like that.”

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“I’m 60, I can see the pattern of change there’s been. I come from a working class community. What began to change was apprenticeships. That was a huge factor in male lives, the job of the father was passed to the son either directly or through connections. I have a twin sister and I can tell the way our parents expected us to go was different, I think that’s changed for the better, but there’ll always be difficulty with change. I could see why there’s a crisis. These men in their forties and fifties are at an age where they’ve lost that invincibility, their physicality and muscularity. Internal resources begin to fade yet you’re still expected to be a provider, or you exert that pressure on yourself. Work is a huge factor for men. That stigma of not being able to make your mark. Men feel a leadership onus.”

Without giving too much away, the character who signifies progression and hope is Spud. And hope is a vital factor of T2: “I’m a big

believer that in your storytelling you have to be hopeful; that your own life is enriched in a way by seeing these people that you recognise. Like your work with CALM to prevent male suicide. One of the characters is in that place, but he pulls out of it in a way that gives you hope.” Spud uses creativity to make sense of the world and his past. We ask Danny Q. Is creative self-expression conducive to better mental well-being?

A. No-brainer.

The benefit to a community of people of having little festivals like this, to have access to creativity, going to drama school or to film school, learn how to write well or get published… It’s enormous. Culture will express itself in many different ways. Some of which we find unacceptable. But it’s like that thing about ‘why do people read?’ You read to know that you’re not alone. If you’re in crisis or if you’re in joy, it’s still there. There are other people out there who share your pain. Or someone who’s found joy and hope when you’re finding it tough. It’s the great offset of loneliness. We’re born alone and we die alone but in the middle is this is opportunity to share experiences and knowledge and intimacy and discovery. And there’s no point doing it on your own. There have been great individual achievements. But unless you share it in some way it’s ... not futile ... but it’s hollow in a way, I think. 30

Danny Boyle

“These men in their forties and fifties are at an age where they’ve lost that invincibility, their physicality and muscularity. Internal resources begin to fade yet you’re still expected to be a provider, or you exert that pressure on yourself.”

Is that one of the things that drove him to be a filmmaker? “I’d like to have been a footballer but I wasn’t very good at it.” And at a young age he was much more interested in music than film. “I was a punk when punk came out. And then I was just about young enough to be part of the house music scene when

I was in London, all that music naturally informed the first Trainspotting film. So, the pressure to create a soundtrack as good as the first one was enormous, but you had to try and forget that and build it organically. Fathers, who are just an amazing band, liberated me from that pressure with three songs for the new soundtrack.” He also praises Underworld, creators of the unforgettable Born Slippy, synonymous with the original, for their languid, ambient T2 rework Slow Slippy, which sounds “like a dredger in the ocean, pulling up memories.” Boyle believes the real issue with gender in film is the under representation of women: “it’s hugely male dominated, there are certain exceptions to that, like Kathryn Bigalow who thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline

made Detroit, Andrea Arnold, Lynne Ramsey… but the numbers are terrible. So you go ‘how does that happen?’” “In the end economics will solve that because weirdly Hollywood doesn’t care about men or women, they just care about money. Men are abandoning cinema. Cinema is failing with the move to television. Studios have said ‘people in their late twenties stop going to cinema’ so they followed them home. And I think it’s women who are driving that. That’s why we’re seeing more interesting female characters, the demand is there for female complexity.”

As we close our chat with the classic advice for aspiring filmmakers question, the twotime BAFTA winner simply says: “film awards persistence over talent”. How grateful we are that he persisted in bringing these Irvine Welsh masterpieces to the big screen. Huge thanks to Kate MacTeirnan and Lizzy Daish at Shuffle festival, David Kirkwood, Helena Coan and Sheila Marshall from Chocolate Films and Sam Pamphilon for being such a great host.

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NSFW

The CALMzone Tea and Secrets tent made a triumphant return to the last ever Secret Garden Party. We offered a respite from the madness â&#x20AC;&#x201C; welcoming hedonistic and hungover gardeners into our comfy tent to relax unwind, have a cuppa and learn about CALM. And of course, reveal their deepest secrets and proudest moments on our Wall Of Secrets. Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s some not safe for work picks...

NSFW

One hand of a drowning man above water saying I don’t want to die

Is it possible that God said let there be light with his hands?

yet. Two hands join in prayer asking God to pull you out from inside of yourself. In a club, the DJ screams put your hands in the air like you just don't care. In dreams, you fall through clouds hands thrown pleading for the cloud people to fling down an invisible rope.

And so when the two knees of a black boy touched concrete and his two hands stretched for sky, what was being said?

Caleb is Young People's Laureate for London, an English teacher, a filmmaker and photographer. His films include ‘What Did Love Taste Like In The 70s?’ and 'Heartbreak & Grime'. He’s a go-to thinker on grime music, road culture and masculinity. You should go Google him now.

Caleb Femi - Father Stretch My Hands Pt.3

Dear Josh CALM’s resident agony uncle offers advice on your life hassles

How can we wait till 2019 for the next Game of Thrones!? What will fill the hole? - ANON American Gods is a most definite treat. Handmaid’s Tale, The Get Down and Dear White People will tide you over nicely. If convoluted plots are your thing, you do have Westworld Season 2 coming. Just avoid The Mist. It’s the worst. It’s terrible. It’s smelly pants on a Tesco birthday cake.

When using Tinder, Bumble, and whatever else dating apps I match lots but hardly chat. My opening lines must be boring. You’re a witty guy Josh... any tips? - Ben, Beverly Here’s a solid sequence: stroll through faces till you find someone you like: read their profile and see if your interests/personalities match, then comment on a similar interest. For example, you might say ‘what about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?’ and she might say ‘I think I remember the film’ and then you can both agree you like it, and then you can say ‘well, that’s one thing we got.’ And then air guitar to your first date. GOOD LUCK.

1. Are we on the brink of nuclear war? 2. Where’s the best place to build a bunker in SE England? 3. Who should I invite? - Apocalyptic Alan 1. Yes and no. 2. Countryside. Duh. 3. One person you love/will eventually have consider having sex with and a fuck ton of books.

Is too much wanking bad for you? If I have more than three in a day I feel really low. Why’s that? - Paul, Belfast Mate, I, erm, ahem, ‘sharpen the pencil’ frequently. Only 3? You are a little bebe, a grasshopper, a padawan to the dark arts. Self Love is Best Love and nothing has happened to me yet. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE, MY EYESIGHT HAS GOTTEN REALLY BAD AND I NOW NEED GLASSES TO READ.

How does one become an agony uncle? It’s my ideal job - Neil, Sunderland Job suggests I get paid for this lol.

Note: Josh isn’t a qualified expert. He’s just a joker. If you do need to talk to someone, call the CALM helpline: 0800 585858 London only: 0800 802 5858

Title: Goes Here Dear Josh

Thank you The incredible Silvina De Vita for five years of designing this wonderful rag! We’re immensely proud of what Silvina has achieved with CALMzine. Check her out at silvinadevita.com Lee Adams and ten other Fulham fanatics, who raised over £8,000 in their walk to Reading FC. All of our #TeamCALM Great North Runners. David, Helena and Sheila Chocolate Films for their passion, kindness and flexibility. Russell Brand for his verbose and fascinating questions to our CEO Simon Gunning on Radio X. All the festival crew volunteers. Freddie Flintoff, Eddy-Temple Morris and Rowland Bennett for giving SGP a proper send-off. Filmmaker Steve Ward, for his patience and speed. The one and only Dan Keeley – running from Rome To Home (London) as we speak, all in aid of CALM.

Thank you

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