THE GIFT OF GOODBYE

RESILIENT WOMEN MAGAZINE

BY SYLVIA O’CONNOR

Sylvia O’Connor has a Master of Science degree in administration and served as an adjunct professor at Davenport University in Michigan for five years. As a whistleblower, she won a large financial settlement for exposing financial fraud. After spending 30 years in health care, she is now a self-employed motivational speaker who specializes in discussing the art of moving on.

RESILIENT WOMEN MAGAZINE

I grew up in Louisiana. I am the youngest of five siblings. My moving on journey started when I left my home, southern home in Louisiana after I graduated from high school to seek a better life up north.

I grew up in poverty, but I knew I would not remain in poverty. My aunt, in her love and care, she assisted me financially, and I ended up being the first in my family to graduate from college and high school. And now I'm a very successful person thanks to my aunt's advice.

I just knew that I would not remain in poverty. My aunt would come and visit us every year, and she would ask us, all of the siblings, to move to Michigan.

She said it was such better opportunities. None of them wanted to do it. And I had to move out of my comfort zone. And that's what made me realize in order to do something better, sometimes you just have to move out of your comfort zone. I left my family, my friends, to move to a whole new place, cold weather and everything.

Later in life, after working in the heakthcare industry for 30 years, I felt that I was at a dead end and that I wanted to leave and was afraid to leave. And then I realized I read a quote about failure. Failure is a part of life, but getting up and moving on is what you must do. And that encouraged me. And a scripture came to mind that God said he would do a new thing, and in order to get something new done, you have to just get past what happened in the past.

Let’s face it: change is hard. Letting go even more so. Especially when tied to life-changing events such as breaking up a long-term relationship or losing a job.

There are many people who have never overcome a certain change (or loss) in their lives and are still living in the past or being depressed about what has happened to them. If you do that, you might lose valuable lifetime, waste energy, or even miss new opportunities.

What can you do to avoid the ”dwelling-in-thepast” trap?

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill To understand our options, we first have to look at the nature of change. A model that is often used in the business world is called “the change curve” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Very simplified, there are four stages of change: shock, anger, acceptance, and moving on.

STAGE 1: SHOCK/DENIAL “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli

What happens: you are confronted with a new situation. Your husband/wife/partner walked out on you. Your boss told you that you are no longer needed. It sucks. You might deny what has happened to you. You don’t want to accept it. You might tell yourself that there is a chance to work things out, but in your heart, you know that this is BS.

What can you do? This stage sucks, but there is one thing that can help to make it easier: try to gather as much information as possible. What are the reasons for the situation you are in? Try to work with facts, because facts can help to take the emotions out of the analysis. Ask questions. Try to understand the other side.

I know this sounds great in theory but might be tricky in reality. You don’t have to be perfect. Just try.

However, it’s also important to mourn. Be truthful and honest with yourself. What are the feelings that hurt the most? Are you disappointed? Are you sad? Or is it just wounded pride?

Try to journal these thoughts. In hindsight, a challenging situation can fruitful or ignite your creative potential, so make sure you “use” them to your advantage.

What NOT to do: Numbing your feelings with alcohol, drugs or certain behaviors such as over-working, overeating, etc. might make you feel better short-term, but will create additional issues in the long-run. Don’t fight your feelings, feel them!

STAGE 2: ANGER Projecting vulnerable feelings onto others causes more problems than it solves ~Leon F Seltzer Ph.D

After you have realized that the situation is the reality and that there is no hope to get back to where you have been before, you might be scared of what lies ahead of you. Fear makes you vulnerable.

You might also feel disregarded, devalued, and rejected. All these feelings can trigger anger towards the person that pushed you into the situation. It’s often easier to be defensive than to feel guilty or ashamed.

What can you do? The approach is very similar as in stage 1. Create transparency on what you feel and why. Also, try to see the bigger picture and your role in it.

It takes two to tango. Maybe the person that has left you grew out of the relationship or had issues to work on? It’s never all one person’s fault.

The more objectively you analyze the situation, the easier it will be to stop blaming and reacting.

What NOT to do: Picking fights is not the smartest thing if you are in a battle that’s already lost. Even if you have been treated unfairly, being angry will just make you more isolated and hurt.

STAGE 3: ACCEPTANCE Once you have overcome the “anger zone,” you can make peace with the new situation. Now your learnings from stages 1 and 2 will be helpful in understanding why things have happened the way they happened, which can give you some ideas on what to avoid in the future.

This is the time to come up with options and scenarios for your future.

However, instead of rushing in the next job, relationship, etc. try to define a long-term vision for your future. Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? What are you willing to sacrifice to get there?

What to do? Reflect on your past using your insights from stages 1 and 2. Create a vision for your future self. Where do you want to be in 5, 10 years from now? What are the steps that could get you there? Make a plan and get excited about it.

What NOT to do: Putting pressure on yourself will backfire. The old saying “If one door closes, another door opens” is now more valid than ever. Be careful, which door you will choose.

STAGE 4: MOVING ON You made it. You are in a new — hopefully, better — place. Enjoy the new situation, but allow yourself some time to get used to everything and make mistakes. Be proud of yourself. Not everybody makes it to Stage 4. It takes courage and sacrifice.

Connect with Sylvia Website: sylvia-oconnor.com