Mens imbizo

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Information Page ISBN: 978-0-620-74730-1 Institute for the Healing of Memories (IHOM) PO Box 36069, Glossderry 7702, Cape Town, South Africa 5 Eastry Road, Claremont 7708, Cape Town, South Africa Email: info@healingofmemories.co.za Tel: +27 21 683 6231 Fax: +27 21 683 5747 Website: www.healing-memories.org An Institute for Healing of Memories Publication Editor: Fatima Swartz Design, layout and artwork: Joshua Klein (Youth Art Development co-operative) The Institute for the Healing of Memories (IHOM) is a registered Public Benefit and Non-Profit Organisation established in the Spring of 1998. The vision of the Institute is to strive to be a leading agent of hope, transformation and peace by empowering individuals, communities and nations through Healing of Memories.

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Acknowledgements The Institute for the Healing of Memories would like to thank all the people who support the work of the Institute. This publication is the outcome of the work done by the Western Cape programme team of the Institute.

We express our appreciation to the Community Healing team responsible for organising the Men’s Imbizos, Mandla Klanisi and Magdelene Moses. We appreciate the valuable contribution of Maurice Dyer in the implementation of the Imbizo’s during his internship at the Institute. A special word of thank you to Mandla and Maurice for their excellent facilitation of the Imbizo‘s, especially the way they cared for the people and the process and their commitment to gather the stories of the five men in this publication. The sensitivity shown in listening to the men as they tell their stories and the insightful way in which the stories has been transcribed is valued. In addition we also acknowledge the time and effort Mandla and Maurice spent in contributing to the completion of the publication.

A special acknowledgement to the five men who gave permission for their stories to be used for publication and the time offered in telling their stories - David Reneke, Clint Bowers, Gerald Julies, Mthandazo Ndabeni and Vernico Peterson.

Thank you to the Healing of Memories workshop organiser Loret Loumouamou and her team of facilitators for accompanying the men on their healing journeys, Clint Bowers and Liso Madikane for providing logistical support to the Community Healing organisers and Fatima Swartz for managing and overseeing the process of the Men’s Imbizo and the publication.

Thank you Avra Richen for your copy editing contribution. This project has been greatly enriched by collaborating with, Sakha Isizwe, Hope for Destiny, Atlantis Integrated HIV and Aids Network, Work for Love, Sonke Gender Justice and World Vision.

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Overview Journeys into the light Zenzile Khoisan Contemporary South Africa has all the attributes of a country that can realise the promise of a sustainable, just, compassionate and truly humane society where everyone can grow, prosper and live a meaningful life – in which we collectively can find and make meaning within the space we collectively share. However, more than 21 years into democracy, the converse applies because we live in a space that is a virtual tinderbox, a predatory, violent, highly unstable and extreme dysfunctional society.

There cannot be any doubt that we are living in a world that is beset with a myriad of social ills and that we, collectively, share a space that is turbulent, unstable and deeply troubled. The past has not been addressed, the present is uncertain and the future is too daunting to contemplate.

This phenomenon is not unique to the South African condition. All societies in our modern world are faced with serious challenges that if not addressed, will result in dysfunctional conditions which prevent social growth, personal fulfilment and a compassionate society built on human solidarity and mutual respect.

It is within this context that the Institute for the Healing of Memories (IHOM) has made a timely and very acute intervention to engage the root causes of the problem. To open the space for dialogue and to probe meaningful and sustainable solutions to what can only be defined as a deeply alarming crisis. A crisis in which violence, gangsterism, substance abuse, social disintegration and complete hopelessness have become a pervasive norm.

The Men’s Imbizos, speaking to the healing journeys of men in our society, is a bold initiative which goes to the coalface to open a safe channel to unlock the narratives that speak to these issues. It give context to the behaviours we manifest in our personal and collective spaces and help us identify sustainable pathways to the light, to healing.

This journey into the light of healing is underpinned by an understanding of patriarchy. The deeply disturbing narrative of dispossession, dislocation, dehumanisation, identity destruction and the loss of power or agency which has given rise to cycles of abuse, violence, neglect and 6

alienation over generations.

It is specifically in dealing with these problems that IHOM has gone directly to the source, opening a lifeline for the dialogues through the Men’s Imbizos that has afforded men the opportunity to share their stories. Sharing their personal narratives which otherwise would have remained locked in their most intimate personal spaces.

This document is a testament to the process through which the IHOM created the Men’s Imbizos, the methodologies it utilised to build the healing dialogue circles and the process of capturing the issues and themes which emerged during the process.

In collating the core themes and issues that are the product of the Men’s Imbizos, IHOM has distilled the essence of the workshops through the recounting of the experiences of David Reneke, Clint Bowers, Gerald Julies, Mthandazo Ndabeni and Vernico Peterson. They share their poignant narratives of pain and the pathways to healing as signposts for others who are held captives with the generational cycles of abuse and powerlessness.

It is through their brave acts of opening up and of others like them who have participated in the Imbizos that we begin to grasp that there are contexts and conditions that inform our behaviour. Breaking the silence through dialogue is liberating and that healing is possible.

These narratives are now urgently needed to bring hope and the possibility of reclaiming agency in many communities that are trapped in cycles of violence, abuse and social disintegration. The disclosure of personal stories would resonate with many men who feel trapped in their own perceptions and that of society of what it is to be a man.

The Men’s Imbizos, therefore, are a pathway to hope, even as the prisons burst at the seams, as the numbers of gangs in these prisons and communities continue to grow, and even as statistics of violence against women, children and other men continue to soar.

Finding this pathway to hope through the Men’s Imbizos or similar initiatives can only bode well for these communities. It offers a compassionate lifeline, opens previously closed pathways to dialogue and, more pertinently, helps those trapped in cycles of generational abuse and violence to access agency and reclaim their true identities and the humanity which was stripped away from them.

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Contents Introduction Chapter 1 Healing Journeys of Men Fatima Swartz

Ancient, old and recent wounds Present wounds Chapter 2 Men’s Imbizos

Fatima Swartz, Mandla Klanisi and Maurice Dyer Communities Partnerships Imbizo’s Safe Space Methodology Outcomes of discussions Chapter 3 Reflections Mandla Klanisi Maurice Dyer Chapter 4 Every Story needs a listener Loret Loumouamou The healing process Men and Trauma

2Pac - Momma Dearest - you are appreciated Chapter 5 My journey from elephant to dove Vernico Pietersen Chapter 6 My journey to and from Kimberley David Reneke Chapter 7 Why I still sing Gerald Julies

Chapter 8 Taught with love, teaching in love Mthandazo Ndabeni

Chapter 9 I am Clint

Clint Bowers 9

Introduction The mission of the Institute for the Healing of Memories states that it is committed to empowering individuals communities and nations by (i) Remembering the past injustices – ancient, old and recent and healing our multiple woundedness (ii) Redeeming the past through prevention, empowerment and healing by celebrating that which is life - giving and laying to rest that which is destructive (iii) Working in partnership with others who share our vision.

The organisation has five distinct programmes (i) The healing of memories process, (ii) Community healing – (iii) Restoring humanity (youth development programme) – International programme and a training and knowledge hub to support its mission. In addition, the organisation hosts special events and conferences on an ongoing basis.

This publication: “Mens Imbizos – Healing Journeys of Men” is the outcome of work done within the Community healing programme. Work within this programme focuses on organising community dialogues, public meetings in communities and at sites of memory.

This is often done in partnership with other organisations to open a space to speak about healing and allowing the community to make sense of the present situation they find themselves in. The processes help to promote understanding of reconciliation, human rights, transformative justice and shed light on the many challenges of torture, violence, xenophobia, marginalisation, racism and unemployment to mention a few experienced in communities.

The word imbizo is a shared Xhosa and Zulu word that translates in English to “meeting” or “dialogue.” One of the cornerstones of the work of the Institute is to bring a diverse group of people into a common space, so that they can hear and listen to the stories of people who they might consider different from themselves and share their story. The focus on men as a group was a departure from this approach. Firstly it was in response to a steady decline in the number of men participating in the Healing of Memories process. This number of men participating in the healing was less than 30% of the total number of participants for the year 2014. An unintended outcome of this was that some workshops only had woman participants.

Secondly it wanted to address the participation of men in the healing activities of communities. Healing of communities cannot take place without the participation of men – Men are integral part of the fabric of community that contributes both to its dysfunctionality and its prosperity. According to the World Prison Brief by the Institute for Criminal Policy Research, South Africa has a total prisoner population of 159-241 as of March 2015 – these include pre-trial detainees – of which 97% are men. This means that for every 100 000 people, 10

292 are imprisoned. The work of the Institute in prisons bore testimony to the cycle of violence theory that suggests that violence experienced in childhood has a high probability of being repeated in adulthood. The victim becoming the victimiser. To end the cycle of violence multiple interventions is needed to address the complex issues that contribute to the violence.

The Community healing programme believes that it has a contribution to make in this regard.

Thirdly, it recognised the need to engage with men separately to increase the possibility for meaningful engagement in telling their stories and sharing their feelings. This come from acknowledging that one of the impacts of patriarchy is the pressure on men not to show any vulnerability. To be stoic in the face of all the social economic challenges they face. The “Men’s Imbizo’s was to create a safe space, that would make it possible to share their feelings, insecurities and anxieties without fear that they would be judged or ridiculed. At the same time the intention was to engage the men in a process where they could think about, and at best understand how society is structured that has led them to the place where they are now.

The Institute and its partners hosted three Mens Imbizos over a four month period in 2015, from February to May. At the end of 2014 the number of men who had participated in the healing process for said year were 137 men. This was 26.6 % of the total number of people who participated in the 24 workshops. The statistics at the end of 2015 showed a significant increase of male participation. In 2015 the Institute hosted 27 workshops, where 221 men participated. This was 37.3 % of the total number of participants – a more than 10 % increase of participation. The figures for 2016 has not been finalised as workshops were still in the process of being conducted.

This publication documents the development of these Imbizos, the common themes that emerged, as well as the issues highlighted by the participants. It also includes five stories of men who participated in the Men’s Imbizos, and who has been participants in the healing of memories process of the Institute.

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Chapter 1

The Institute believes that for individuals, communities and nations to reclaim their power they need to have knowledge of how their power has been taken from them. To redeem this past, the injustices perpetrated against individuals and communities need to be acknowledged this will allow individuals to reconcile with their past and find mechanisms to restore relations that has been damaged and became toxic because of the hurt and pain inflicted on individuals and communities.

The participants of the Mens Imbizos are men whose histories are deeply etched in the history of Africa. All the men – some more than others – have their ancestral roots in the first people of this continent. They identified themselves as African, Coloured and Khoisan. We would identify African as indigenous black people primarily descendants of Nguni tribes; “Coloured” South Africans (the label is contentious) are a people of mixed lineage descended from slaves brought to the country from east and central Africa, Asia, the indigenous Khoisan who lived in the Cape at the time; indigenous Africans, and whites. The majority speak Afrikaans.1 Khoisan is a term used to describe two separate groups, the Khoi, called Hottentots by the Europeans, were pastoralists and were effectively annihilated; the San, called Bushmen by the Europeans, were hunter-gatherers. A small San population still lives in South Africa.2 Knowing this history helps us to make sense of the present challenges facing the majority of South African men.

1 http://www.southafrica.info/about/people/population.htm#.WBnEG9IRJt8#ixzz4Oqb5hvkw 12 2 http://www.southafrica.info/about/people/population.htm#.WBnEG9IRJt8#ixzz4Oqb5hvkw

were but not that we , d ol s re e w e w ber that t, but not that gh ou b re e They will remem w e w remember that strong. They will we were brave. illiam Prescott W ve la s r e rm fo -

One of the first crimes against humanity on the African continent was that of slavery. Slavery came to South Africa with colonialism in 1652. Implicit in slavery is forced labour and the dehumanisation of people who were treated as a commodity. The first slaves arrived in Cape Town in1958, it is estimated that some 60 000 slaves were imported before slavery was abolished in 1807.

The Cape was thus a slave society, a society characterised by polarisation of slaves and slave owners; the domination and subjugation of one group by another through the use of harsh and violent methods of punishment and the use of systematic methods to break resistance and the spirit of a people so that they can be compliant to the slave system. Despite the repressive rules and laws imposed on the slaves, they resisted at a huge costs to their lives and emotional, psychological well being.

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sily obtain from which we can ea s nd la w ne d fin st We mu ploit the cheap slave ex e tim me sa e th at e raw materials and es of the colonies. Th tiv na e th om fr e bl la lus labor that is avai g ground for the surp in mp du a e id ov pr so colonies would al factories. goods produced in our -Cecil Rhodes The establishment of a slave society at the Cape happened during the time of colonialism when the Dutch East Indian Company (VOC) decided to establish a permanent refreshment station in the Cape in 1652. According to Oxford Dictionaries, “colonialism” means “the policy of acquiring full or partial political control over another country, occupying it with settlers, and exploiting it economically.” In practice this meant the displacement of people from their land and livelihoods and a myriad of unjust laws to enforce political control.

The establishment of the station post by the VOC at the Cape soon brought the Khoikhoi into conflict with Dutch settlers over land ownership. Cattle rustling and livestock theft ensued, with the Khoikhoi being ultimately expelled from the peninsula by force, after a succession of wars. The British seized the Cape in 1795 from the Dutch, but in 1803 the Cape was relinquished back to the Dutch. In 1806, the British again seized the Cape from the French controlled Kingdom of Holland, the Anglo-Boer wars followed (1899–1902), resulting in the Union of South Africa as a colony of the British Empire. The country became a self-governing nation state within the British Empire in 1934.

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ucation, eener pastures of ed gr e th n ow sh be r ve of wood Blacks should ne in life is to be hewers ion at st r ei th at th they should know r. and drawers of wate -Hendrik Verwoerd From 1948 to 1994, South African politics were dominated by Afrikaner nationalism centred around racial segregation and white minority rule known as apartheid, an Afrikaans word meaning “separateness”. Apartheid affected every aspect of non-white South Africans’ lives. Where, they lived, who they married, their education, their cultural life and how and where they could sell their labour. Draconian laws were yet again implement to subjugate a people who resisted.

The people of the Cape were subjected to continuous systematic in justices for more than 342 years before they gained political freedom in 1994. These individual and collective traumatic events has been experienced by generations of men in South Africa and for the purpose of this publication the broader Cape in particular.

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Khoi and the I owe my being to the souls haunt San whose desolate of the beautiful the great expanses victim to the Cape - they who fell de our native most merciless genoci ey who were land has ever seen, th liv es in th e the first to lose their ou r freedom st ru gg le to de fe nd d they who, and independence an in the result. as a people, perished 1996 -Thabo Mbeki May

In an article by Prof. Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela with the title: Transcending Trauma through Reconciliation: Lessons from South Africa reflects on the impact of traumatic events, she writes that: Traumatic events, especially if they remain unacknowledged, continue to disempower victims and to intensify feelings of shame and humiliation that are part of the legacy of trauma and its internalisation.

This “internal” dimension of trauma is an important one: while the source of the trauma may be external, the recurrent effects of trauma and the impairment of the memory function – the “unfinished business” of trauma – is primarily a reflection of the inner breakdown of the self and inner emotional conflict.

The intrusive memories and the reexperiencing of trauma are the manifestation of the most distressing features of the aftermath of trauma. Victims and survivors of trauma feel helpless and at the mercy of the intrusive and fragmentary memories of trauma, unable to control these memories and completely victimised by them. Thus, healing of trauma, that is, the restoration of the self and the reclaiming of one’s sense of control of memory, of the capacity to reflect, understand, and to perceive things as they are requires transformation of traumatic memory into narrative memory. Traumatised people relive the traumas they experienced, not only through memory but also through symbolic re-enactments of aspects of the trauma. The phenomenon of re-enactment of trauma and its centrality in the lives of people who have been exposed to life-threatening experiences of trauma is well established in traumatic stress research.

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Extreme forms of trauma lead to some kind of psychic rupture and a fragmentation of traumatic memories that remain unresolved, which dominate the mental life of many victims of trauma. There is sufficient evidence showing how these traumatic memories, and difficulties in their assimilation, often return as behavioural re-enactment, both at the interpersonal level as well as within societies.

Re-enactment of trauma, scholars of trauma inform us, is a major cause of violence in society.

A widely accepted theory of re-enactment suggests that re-enactment is a way of dealing with the sense of powerlessness, shame, and humiliation felt at the time of the original trauma by a repetition of the traumatic event in the hope of regaining control and mastery over it. However, this attempt at mastery may establish the basis for a lifelong pattern of violent behaviour because the choice to become an aggressor does not authentically resolve the very issues that drive that choice, the feelings of shame and humiliation that lie within.

Re-enactment of the past is a central problem of the “unfinished business” of trauma. There is agreement among scholars and peace practitioners that the past is never through with us unless confronted and acknowledged.3

3 Gobodo-Madikizela, P. (2006). Trauma und Versöhnung - Lehren aus 17Südafrika (Transcending Trauma Through Reconciliation: Lessons from South Africa, trans. Katharina Belwe, Ph.D.). Bundeszentrale Fur Politische Bildung, 42, 29-34.

future. A country, a s it’ e ar n tio na y an The children of t value it’s youth and no es do at th on rs pe movement, a rve it’s future. children does not dese -Oliver Tambo Present day wounds Since 1994 South Africa has become more fully integrated in the global family. South Africa began to feel the impact and effects of globalisation both positively and negatively to an extent it did not before. Globalisation is a process of interaction and integration among the people, companies, and governments of different nations, a process driven by international trade and investment and aided by information technology. This process has effects on the environment, on culture, on political systems, on economic development and prosperity, and on human physical well-being in societies around the world.4 With technological advancement the world has become more connected, economies more integrated. During the more than three decades of neo-liberal economic policies we have seen how the rich grow richer and the poor grow poorer.5 South Africa is considered to be one of the most unequal societies in the world. The implications of neoliberal economic policies for citizens has been catastrophic. The cutting of public expenditure for social services like education and health care as well as poor service delivery on basic needs such as water, electricity and roads impact on the rights of citizens and their quality of life. It saw the elimination of the concept “public good” or “community” and replacing it with “individual responsibility.”

The poorest of the poor is pressured to find their solutions to their lack of health-care, education and social security – and when they fail, they are labelled as “lazy”.6 The special inequalities in the Cape Metropolitan area has grown more stark. The unemployment rate of 26.6%7 is mostly felt in the townships. The lack of access to decent education and skills leave most young people unemployable. When Dr N Spaull from the University of Stellenbosch commented on the 2015 matriculation results he highlighted the problem that out of every 100 students that start school only 48 of them are likely to complete their school education and 14 would go on to university. Drug abuse and gangsterism has reached unprecedented levels in the townships. The Daily Voice news paper reported on 26 August 2016 that 22 people had been murdered in just four weeks in Delft. Many of these deaths were considered gang related. In addition, domestic violence has become endemic in the townships – creating the next cycle of violence, the re-enactment of what has been experienced.

Prof Judy Atkinson suggests that in our efforts to address violence in communities we need to have a generational perspective. She suggests the occurence family violence explains what is happening in communities: “Domestic violence is one aspect of family violence. Using the term family in preference to domestic provides a greater contextual understanding to the interlinking and inter- generational

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impacts of violence as its effects flow into and out of our families.” Most of these acts of violence are perpetrated by men. Men are hurting and they are hurting others. To intervene successfully we need to have knowledge and understanding of how the systems and structures in society support and perpetuate family violence. This includes understanding their role in patriarchy, the economic systems, as well as cultural and traditional practice.

Whilst we are creating space for men to talk about their experiences and begin to deal with their emotions and walk with them on their healing journeys, it is also important that we work with others to address the needs of men. In this regard we contend that Maslow’s hierarchy still remain relevant to this day. With neither the physical nor safety needs of the majority of people met in both men and women, the possibility of creating a more caring, gentler and just society stays, just beyond our grasp.

MASLOW’S HIERARCHY SELF-ACTUALIZATION OF NEEDS Morality, craetivity, spontaniety, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts

Self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others

ESTEEM

Friendship, family, sexual intimacy

LOVE/ BELONGING Security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health, of property

SAFETY

Breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion

PHYSIOLOGICAL

4 http://www.globalization101.org/what-is-globalization/ 5 Siddiqui, K. (2012). Developing Countries’ Experience with Neoliberalism and Globalisation. Research in Applied Economics, 4(4), 12.

6 http://www.corpwatch.org/article.php?id=376 19 7 http://www.tradingeconomics.com/south-africa/unemployment-rate

Chapter 2

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Communities The Institute organised three Men’s Imbizos. It took place in three different communities, Atlantis, Delft and Masiphumelele. These three communities are the focus areas of the Community Healing project. The location and the linguistic and cultural demographical composition of the communities are a legacy of apartheid. They are a reminder of a divided past and a stark reminder of the effectiveness of the Group Areas act of 1950. This Act was central to dividing people on the basis of the colour of their skin and culture.

Atlantis was established in the 1970s by the apartheid government as an industrial centre and designated for the decentralisation of Cape Town’s coloured population. Afrikaans is the dominant language spoken here. The government provided incentives for businesses to create an industrial hub in the area. This forced people to move more than 50 km out of Central Cape Town in search of work. The government did not renew subsidy agreements with most of the companies after the first seven-year cycle, thus leaving the residents of Atlantis far away from working opportunities, recreational facilities and service infrastructure.

The Delft area was established in 1989, after the first democratic election in South Africa. It could arguably be identified as the first large scale post-apartheid community development project. It is an ethnically and culturally diverse place, consisting mainly of black and coloured South Africans and is now also home to people from other African countries, as well as a smattering of white people. The languages spoken in the area is predominantly Xhosa and Afrikaans. Although it is situated close to the Cape Town International Airport, which has an extensive industrial area, the unemployment rate in the community is high.

Masiphumelele, near Fish Hoek, developed organically in the early 1980s with mainly Xhosaspeaking people settling in the area to be close to work. They built their shacks in the centre of the white suburbs where they sold their labour mostly as domestic workers. The area has seen modest development, with basic services and social support facilities being made available to its residents.

Despite this it remains a community plagued by poverty, unemployment and substance abuse.

The geographical location of Masiphumelele is a stark reminder of the inequality of the living conditions between the different socio-economic strata in South African society.

Partnerships These three communities participate and collaborate in all activities taking place within their own communities, and those of the other participating communities. They are working and learning together to build a better future for themselves and the generations to come. To implement 21

the Men’s Imbizo the Institute work with the following organisations: In 2013, Janap Opdendaal established the social enterprize Hope 4 Destiny, “Walk with us”. It is and NGO that is situated in Delft Cape Town. They aim to improve, uplift and empower the community by providing resources to ensure the youth of Delft have access to skills that makes them employable. It further aims engages in activities that assist with the holistic development of the community; providing HIV/AIDS and TB awareness, sports coaching and training, youth workshops on human and children’s rights; working with senior citizens addressing issues of drug abuse, crime, gangsterism, domestic violence and unemployment.

Sonke Gender Justice: their vision is a world in which men, women and children can enjoy equitable, healthy and happy relationships that contribute to the development of just and democratic societies. Sonke Gender Justice works across Africa to strengthen government, civil society and citizen capacity to promote gender equality, prevent domestic and sexual violence, and reduce the spread and impact of HIV and AIDS. Work For Love: they understand that the source of a good education is love and that its foundation is life itself. Education starts in the family. Imagine a nurturing family for every child. A nurturing family that is safe, economically sustainable, socially active, emotionally stable and spiritually free. A family where the child’s talents are recognised by the adults in its life and where children are nourished to flourish. The Work For Love family holds this vision. At the WFL Family Centre in Masiphumelele, parents and children can thrive. The organisation strives to enable parents to sustain nurturing families by setting their talents free.

They offer holistic skills development, job creation and child care.

Atlantis Integrated HIV and AIDS Network is a non-profit organisation (NPO). They run an after-care facility on Thursdays where they assist orphans as well as other vulnerable children (OVC) from 8 to 13 years old with their homework as well as a weekly support group for people infected with HIV. A meal is provided for the HIV patients and OVC in the after-care facility from the vegetables grown in their garden. They do home visits to check that OVC and patients’ basic needs are met. They also run TB, HIV and AIDS awareness workshops, distribute condoms and refer survivors of abuse and rape for assistance. The network assists and then refers people to the relevant government departments regarding applications for identity documents, social grants and birth certificates. Their services are free of charge.

Sakha Isizwe Development Organisation was founded in 2012 by Julita Dorman, a former employee of the Foundation for Community Work (FCW). Julita established a credible and valuable early childhood development network in Delft during her stint as a community 22

worker for FCW. She decided to apply her valuable skills and experience with the objective to serve and strengthen families by focusing on the role of parents as an entry point. The model is a practical intervention which addresses the top two development needs of the Delft community while empowering local community members with essential personal development and early childhood development skills.

Hope for Destiny: In 2013, Janap Opdendaal established the social enterprize Hope 4 Destiny, “Walk with us”. It is and NGO that is situated in Delft Cape Town. They aim to improve, uplift and empower the community by providing resources to ensure the youth of Delft have access to skills that makes them employable. It further aims engages in activities that assist with the holistic development of the community; providing HIV/AIDS and TB awareness, sports coaching and training, youth workshops on human and children’s rights; working with senior citizens addressing issues of drug abuse, crime, gangsterism, domestic violence and unemployment.

World Vision: is a Christian humanitarian organisation dedicated to working with children, families, and their commutes worldwide to reach their full potential by tackling the root causes of poverty and injustice. Working in nearly 100 countries around the world they serve all people, regardless of religion, race, ethnicity, or gender.

The Bonfire Theatre Project is an innovative, improvisatory theatre company that uses aspects of Playback Theatre, Systemic Constellations, Psychodrama, Theatre of the Oppressed, Traditional Storytelling and Dramatherapy to celebrate real life stories in a powerful and accessible way to facilitate the transformation of people’s attitudes towards one another.

The vision of the Bonfire Theatre project is to continually develop a theatre company that is fully representative and whose central purpose is the telling of stories that emerge from the daily lives of ordinary South Africans. Bonfire was established in October 2005 and aims to contribute towards creating a space where a new South African dialogue can take place.

By using a range of theatrical forms in its own unique blend, Bonfire aims to: enable and facilitate the healing of splits and artificial divides in our country by creating a space where people can find their common humanity; create a space that supports community building through the sharing of a resource that is common to all of us – our stories, bring theatre and the creative arts into people’s lives; create a space for healing of painful memories through sharing them with one’s community; produce theatre of a high aesthetic and entertainment value; celebrate the value of the stories of our lives.

During a Bonfire ‘performance’, participants are invited to share real life stories from their lives.

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Audience members are invited to tell stories on an established and community appropriate theme (which could range from diversity, xenophobia, loss, and letting go, and celebration). A series of warm-up exercises gets the audience involved and prepares them to tell stories from their lives. The telling of these stories are facilitated by an experienced conductor who supports the storyteller to tell the story that both reflects their truth and contributes to the theme of the session.

Professional actors and a musician then play the stories back in improvisation. The stories are performed using a range of theatrical techniques and this dynamic visual experience has a powerful effect on its audience towards developing understanding and mutual respect. The interactive, improvised show is one hour long.

Imbizos The first Imbizo took place in Delft under the title; “Role of Men in a changing society, challenges, frustrations and opportunities.” This was followed by an Imbizo in Atlantis titled: “Men in the Hood, what makes a man? Discussing Manhood in relation to personal power of men; fatherhood, in the relationships established with family and brotherhood delving into community responsibility.” The last Imbizo was held in Masiphumelele with the theme: “Men in the Hood, what makes a man” Here women were included in the conversation.

Safe space Creating a safe space for sharing is central to the Men’s imbizos. Three components were looked at in creating a safe space for the participants – the physical space, facilitators and the process. The Imbizos took place in communities with high crime rates and gang activities. Some of the participants had past histories with gangs in their communities. The physical space of the Imbizos were held in comfortable and neutral areas where participants could move freely.

The facilitation team consisted of two men. Considering the culturally diverse group of participants it was particularly important that the facilitators were culturally competent. This meant that as facilitators they are aware of their own cultural attitudes and beliefs. They also needed to be aware of the cultural attitudes and beliefs of the participants attending the imbizo’s. They needed to have the capacity to interact effectively with the group of men who came from not only cultural diverse backgrounds, but also diverse social, economic and political backgrounds. A prerequisite was the ability to be present for the group of men without judging the legitimacy of the many layers of identities they held and their histories.

For the participants to feel safe they needed to be assured that what they say and who they are will not be judged.

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Through interaction and the facilitation process the communal space becomes an intimate space that make it possible for participants, to share their deepest thoughts and feelings. The manner in which the conversation was entered into needed to be non-threatening and illicit maximum participation.

Quite a few of the men attending the Imbizos had previous knowledge of the Institute, with some of them on their healing journeys after attending Healing of Memories workshops. This contributed to building the relationships among the participants and facilitators. These previous relationships made it possible for participants to trust the facilitators and trust the process. The fact that the Institute has a history of working in the community and has a long-term commitment to the community, is an additional factor that contributed to the level of trust in the imbizos.

Methodology The Imbizos methodology was based on adult learning principles influenced by Brazilian educationalist Paulo Freire who created “the culture circle.” This methodology allow participants to use their own way of speaking to articulate their shared understanding of how their world came to be like it was, and how to act to change their future. The Imbizos were journeys of both the head and the heart.

Each Imbizo started with an audio-visual stimulation as an emotional and thought trigger. This is rooted in the belief that the more senses (touching, seeing, hearing, eating, and feeling, as well as talking) are stimulated and engaged, the deeper the connection between the participant and the issues discussed. By facilitating these audio-visual stimulants, the possibility for inner self-reflection is higher.

At the first Imbizo a short video were used, less than 5 minutes, to highlight men from different ethnicities and cultures describing how they understand “manhood”. Participants were asked to respond to the clip using examples from their own experience and understanding. They were also asked how these understandings of manhood made them feel. At the second and third Imbizo a video focussing on gender stereotypes were used. It showed the difference between how men and women behave/react in a multiple of settings, such as how men shop vs. how women shop; how men communicate and how woman communicate. The audio-visual stimulation at the first session of the Imbizos proofed to be very useful as it immediately focused the conversation.

The facilitators developed a set of questions for small group discussions. The questions focused on: • What does being a man mean to you?

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How did you come to this understanding of “what it means to be a man.”

• What do you think society expect from you as a man.

• How are you dealing / coping with expectations that society place on you as a ma?

• How do you see your role in society?

• What are the biggest challenges you face as a man?

The outcomes of the discussions in the small groups were reported and reflected upon in plenary discussion. Participants were then asked to work on a Statement of Intent comprising of three questions as a way forward.

STATEMENT OF INTENT 1. I am a man who is working towards... (I know where I come from, I am here now, but where am I going in the future, eg. I am working towards... “Being employed.”)

2. I am a man who is committed to… (This speaks to what we value in our lives i.e. family, friends, and community... “I am a man who is committed to better my household and making sure that my children have the best possibilities of leading successful lives”.)

3. I am a man who believes in… (What sustains you; what is your belief system. How will that particular belief system help the participant to move forward? “I am a man who believes in God, and God gives my life purpose, so it is my responsibility to realise and live out that purpose.”)

The feedback from participants were very encouraging. It supported the Paulo Freire position that astounding results can be achieved by the culture circles when used as a tool through which groups, rather than individuals, could be empowered. In culture circles, everyone makes good progress, not just a few.

Outcomes of discussions Diverse opinions emerged on what it meant to be a man. These opinions centred around the 26

multiple identities men held. One of the most important identities is that of being a “provider”.

The ability to take care of your family, your parents, siblings, children and partner. The ability to take care of your own needs. To be economically independent. Most of the men at the Imbizos were unemployed. This made it possible for them to attend the imbizos.

Men shared the pain of not being able to make a contribution towards providing for their family. They talked about the shame, guilt, frustration and anger they experienced being dependent on the charity of others to survive. The hurt inflicted when they are judged as lazy, useless and a parasite by those whose approval they seek. They shared the strain unemployment puts on family relations, and how anger spills over into physical and emotional abuse. How relationships are irrevocably broken, marriages end in divorce and children go unsupported.

One of the biggest challenges the men said they faced, is to continue to have hope and not give up. Especially those who have been looking for work for many years and has not been able to secure a permanent job. There was a general agreement that the expectation and pressure of society that men be a “provider” is one of the key factors that drive men and young boys to join gangs. It provides a source of income for its members through amongst others, petty crime, robberies, selling drugs, prostitution and extortion.

Interestingly, there were strong opinions on what it means to be a “real” man. A “real” man was associated with a set of values. A real man takes care of his woman. A real man don’t rape. A real man don’t beat women. Participants did not vocalise much support for physical attributes as in being “strong” or “attractive”. From the discussion of “real” men, emerged the issue of gender fluidity – the gay man, the bi-sexual man, the transgendered man, the queer man. The space at the Imbizos was safe enough for participants to be open about their sexual orientation and challenge the normative heterosexual perceptions of what it means to be a man. What it means to be a “real” man and who is driving the “real” man agenda, remained contested ground.

Much of the contestation was rooted in cultural beliefs. As mentioned earlier the groups were culturally diverse. Apart from being a provider the man also had to be the protector. The ability to keep your loved 27

ones safe, not only your partner and children, but the extended family. For many in the groups this role of being a protector was very serious, especially in the communities where the Imbizos were held.

Domestic violence are high, rape of children, woman and men has become daily occurrences and gang violence in many instances has become a way of life.

Participants shared their own experiences and of those people they know who joined gangs, believing it is the only way in which they can keep their families and themselves safe. They talked about the difficulty gang members experience when they wish to leave the gang after being exposed realising and the full implication of gang culture. The disillusionment when they realise that in fact they have made themselves and their families more vulnerable to gang violence. The fear and frustration of not being able to make choices of how and where you live because you are not financially able to so, and because of the lack of education and skills that could possibly provide a way out.

Linked to the gang culture which was predominantly raised by the participants who selfidentify as coloured, was the importance of rites of passage to becoming a man.

The Xhosa-speaking participants drew VS strength from the many cultural traditions - Get married - Play house they could draw upon to give guidance to - Rear children - Make babies young men. They lamented though that - Seek to survive their - Seek to understand their womans disrespect wife with their heart these practices was being undermined - Are content with female - Welcome intimacy by modern ideas, which then raised companionship - Win respect Seek popularity the question of what it meant to be an - Own their responsibility - Cast blame “African� man. Issues of tribal identity, - Produce strategies for - Invent excuses for success their failures polygamy and religion were all discussed - Look for someone - Look for someone they in an efort to try make sense of the past, can take care of else to take care of them - Are selfless and - Are narcissistic where men find themselves presently, and sacrificial and self-indulgent - Are dilgent at work - Play at work what the future hold for them.

BOYZ

MEN

and work at play

and play when they rest

For most of the men it was a beginning, a first time that they were able to share 28

across cultures. To try and explain what they are dealing with in trying to make sense of their world and the challenges they face in piecing together an identity that are comfortable, and to self-identify who they would like to be. These was emotionally wrenching moments as participants expressed their feelings of not being in control of how they are being seen by others. They discussed the impact of negative stereotypes on how they see themselves, how it affects their self-esteem, confidence and sense of belonging.

A fair amount of time was spent identifying some of the stereotypes about men and their cultures. Particularly, ideas about what constitutes men’s work and the roles men play in their families, and their parenting responsibilities. Most of the men seemed comfortable in taking on what could be described as traditionally woman’s roles. Taking care of the house, cooking and taking care of the children. The concern was about how others perceive them. Some men related that their partners are comfortable and appreciative when they take on these roles as it makes their own lives easier. There was a general sense that men was in the process of changing and becoming more useful around the house.

The role of the media in advancing certain stereotypes about men was also mentioned. What makes a “successful” man? The acquisition and accumulation of material goods was talked about. The pressure on boys and men to acquire brand name clothes and shoes as this elevated your position amongst your peers. This pressure to have the right stuff was also mentioned as a contributing factor in joining gangs and getting involved in illegal activity. Linked to this participants also raised concern how liquor was advertised. Alcohol abuse was identified as one of the major problems in the communities. In liquor advertisement drinking alcohol is portrayed as being successful. By all standards the men felt that they are all failures according to society and what is being portrayed by the media as “successful” men.

Most of the men lamented how difficult it is to think much of yourself when you are failing on all fronts. They also have no one to talk to about how they feel. The general consensus was, when men come together they mostly talk about sport, politics and women. They share opinions on this and that. They do not share what is happening in their lives, and if they 29

are lucky they might have a close friend with whom they can talk. The issue of “men don’t cry� unlocked painful memories, as participants shared stories of how they felt when they themselves cried, and the first time they saw their fathers cry. Deep feelings of hopelessness and desolation was expressed when men has reached the point where they are no longer able to hold the facade that they are unaffected by the misfortunes of life and that it did not matter.

The men appreciated the opportunity to express their feelings, to be listened to, to feel that someone understand what they are going through. They immediately started identifying men in their circle of friends and family who they thought would benefit from attending an Imbizo.

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Chapter 3

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Mandla Klanisi is from Khayelitsha, Cape Town, South Africa. He graduated from Cornerstone Christian College in 2008 (now known as Cornerstone Institute) with a B.Th. Degree in Community Leadership, majoring in Community Development. He has been in the community development sector for more than six years and worked at the Homestead project for “street children” as family and community worker before joining the Institute for Healing of Memories (IHOM).

He is responsible for the Community Healing Project as community healing project coordinator His primary duty is to organise community dialogues, seminars, festivals and recruit participants for healing of memories process. He also broadens the work of the IHOM through networking with relevant stakeholders and role-players in Cape Town. He is interested in issues of transformation, social justice and peace building. He is inspired and driven by the African philosophy ‘Umntu ngumntu ngabantu’ a person is a person through other persons and I am because you are.

Reflection on Men’s Imbizo and stories of men : Mandla Klanisi Having engaged intimately with three of the men featured in this publication, listening and recording their stories, it became clear to me that social background and circumstances do play a significant role in shaping people’s lives. However, it does not necessarily determine their entire future. Although the circumstances in their upbringing might have been fraught with challenges, these men were able to overcome obstacles with self-determination and a bit of support. They were able to convert their negative circumstances into positive circumstances, thereby ensuring a brighter future for themselves despite their circumstances.

In most of these men’s stories we see prevalence of social ills that are seemingly linked to cycles of destruction. It suggests a causal link between absent parents and substance abuse. This is clearly evident in the stories of Vernico, Gerald and Thomas’. They grew up with single parents, who according to some of them were not positive role models, – in fact, their parenting skills left much to be desired.

Both Gerald and Vernico grew up without a father figure in their lives. Thomas’ father also passed away when he was only two years old. Their stories support the opinion that absent parents appear to play a significant role in a child’s development and in their cases it is absent fathers.

The circumstances these men experienced in their childhood seemed to have driven them 33

to resort to drug and alcohol abuse at a very young age because of their quest to be in a “happy’’ state of mind and feel a sense of belonging. In Vernico’s case he turned to gangsterism and began doing drugs as a substitute for parental love and acknowledgment. He said “My grandmother did everything for me, but she couldn’t replace the gap of not having both parents in my life.’’

Some of them dropped out of school due to lack of support or positive parenting. They were forced to be independent prematurely. Vernico said he started working at a very young age, and was a taxi “gaadjie” (taxi conductor).

With the issues these men faced in their upbringing it could be argued that, if their parents were fully present or their social circumstances were more positive, the chances are good that their lives would have developed in a better direction.

However, despite all the challenges of their upbringing, these men managed, through selfdetermination and resilience, to better their lives. With a little external support they were able to make informed decisions that turned their lives into positive directions. In Thomas‘ case, it was support from his parents. In Vernico’s case, his wife played a huge role by just believing in him and supporting him despite all his challenges. In Gerald’s case getting involved in community development initiatives seems to have played a major role in his self-development.

What is most remarkable about these men, is that even though they grew up without fathers or grew up with a single parents who were not really there for them, they are determined to become positive fathers and positive parents to their own children. They are courageous and strive to be present in their children‘s lives and to give them all the love and support they need – the opposite of what they had in their own childhood.

They are also resilient and courageous enough to get involved in their local community development and contribute to breaking and prevent present destructive cycles of behaviour.

They are able to use the same challenging experiences and mistakes of their upbringing to better their lives and that of their communities. They are modelling positive parental roles, not only to their children but to the community at large.

Thomas is working with children and youth through sport. Gerald is in involved in an HIV and AIDS network project in Atlantis where he stays. David is making his contribution in his community in Delft through Hope 4 Destiny organisation. Vernico is involved with Sakha Isizwe, a local organisation where he is able to make a contribution to the development of his community and to himself.

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I must add that the Men’s Imbizo series served as another form of support and healing for these men. It created a safe space for men to share their feelings and their understanding about being a man and manhood. The greater aim of the Imbizos is to break the cycles of destruction in the lives of the individual and their families by developing or encouraging a positive culture of fatherhood or manhood. In this context it includes enabling them to attend Healing of Memories workshops and other developmental activities such as community dialogues.

I would contend that if men are on their own healing journey, the greater the chances that they would then be gentler and more caring individuals. This in turn could contribute in building peaceful and caring communities. Communities that are living life on the basis of ‘Ubuntu’ (I am because you are) are far more humane. Men and women working in concert to transform their lives, the lives of their families, communities and the world at large.

What an experience! What a great healing journey, to have had the opportunity to engage with these men through the Men’s Imbizo . The wisdom and knowledge gained from these Imbizo’s is indeed invaluable, as men shared from their innermost understanding of their perceptions of ‘what it means to be a man’.

One of the lesson that was very clear to me, is that men do want to share their emotions, but due to cultural and societal perceptions and stereotypes on manhood they find it difficult to show their vulnerable side.

In addition, what was also outstanding was the relationship built between these men through the Men’s Imbizo, and during the process of interviews regarding their life stories. In this context, building mutual relationships is important, without these formed relationships the men would possibly not have felt safe enough to share their life stories so honestly.

Building sound relationships with the men was part of creating a safe space to allow the process to take its cause, which is one of the key things the Institute for Healing of Memories believes in.

I believe the stories of the five men, carry lots of wisdom and knowledge that can help other men, or even women to find the courage to journey on in life despite many of life’s challenges.

Vernico said “My past made me who I am today, and if I can go back in time I wouldn’t change anything’’ What a bold statement, a man embracing his past and the wisdom gained through the hardships of his life.

In conclusion, the process of the Men’s Imbizo series was a learning project in its self. I will be so bold as to assert that there is a huge need for these Men’s Imbizo. In the context of 35

IHOM, the Men’s Imbizo process provides another platform for healing and one that offers an opportunity to be empowered and therefore could prevent future unintended or negative behaviours that are hurtful to humanity.

In a more preventative sense, there could also be a “Boys to Men Imbizo’’, to give boys an opportunity to discuss what being a man means to them or what they think being a man should, be or not be. This can help them from a very early age to engage and grapple with issues manhood to in order prevent or curb destructive perceptions and negative influences relating to those perceptions.

The Mens imbizo has contributed hugely to my own personal development. In the process of organising and facilitating there was a lot to learn and practice. Being part of the discussion also helped me to look at my own stereotypes and perceptions of manhood. The activity has planted a seed which I hope to grow and nurture in my own life’s journey. I admired the men who shared to their outmost best, especially those who willingly agreed to have their stories published in this publication. With their stories, I hope that more men and women can find healing in their life journeys, as I have also experienced the healing within as I engaged them through many visits in the process of collecting their stories.

What I found interesting is that the Men’s Imbizos could be flexible depending on the social context. Most men who attended did not seem to have a problem with women being present.

Especially the one in Masiphumelele had quite few women present. It was a very interactive dialogue, women listening to the men’s perspectives or views, and men doing the same. What becomes key is to hold the space and understand the context.

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Maurice Dyer One of the most common things we hear people say in general, but particularly the men who attend these Imbizos, after sharing their stories with the groups, is that they begin to feel like they were “not alone”. Traumatic events in their lives separated and isolated them from their families and communities, but sharing their stories helped them to take back the power over their lives. Sharing and listening has helped them to take back the power from negative experiences that have ruled their past and influenced their present.

All the men who shared their stories have experienced, especially in their childhood, having to move around from place to place. They have had to live with different people for one reason or another. Some were moved because of the forced removals under Apartheid. This meant they were moved back and forth between living with parents, relatives and grandparents or being moved from the Eastern Cape to Cape Town. All the men expressed a deep sense of longing for stability. They have wondered what their lives would have been like if they “grew up in loving, stable homes”. All the men have spoken about being motivated to do things differently, to gain “a sense of belonging” which had been so lacking in their lives.

Through the process of these Mens’ Imbizos and the writing of their stories, men came together as a community and reached out to each other and touched something so genuine and pure deep down within themselves. They entered into a space of acknowledgement and compassion. I found myself feeling it with them. I have seen just how powerful sharing our life stories and listening to others in a safe and constructive space can be for taking steps towards healing.

These men didn’t just bring their life experiences to the group; they brought their whole selves.

They brought their passions and talents. They brought their wisdom. The group was the better for all that was shared. From the onset of these Imbizos we talked about breaking cycles of destructive behaviours. I learnt that an effective way to begin breaking these cycles is to build on the life-giving things we do so well in everyday life.

First we have to recognise that we do give life, we do have things to contribute to our families and our communities. These men are examples that despite all the hardships they have gone through they still can have life-giving contributions. They give life through their voices, their songs, their experiences, and their service, service to their families and to their generations. They have each made significant contributions to taking our human family one step towards healing.

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All these men have said that on the darkest nights of their lives they didn’t think they could make it, they didn’t think they could “carry on”. I know from experience that it does seem this way at times, but these men have taught me about resilience as well. They taught me, and I hope that they show you, that if you persevere through the dark of night the sun does rise in the morning.

Through the creation of this book I’ve learned a great deal about collaboration. There were so many different people who have breathed life into this book. It is like we had a giant balloon.

Not one of us could have blown it up alone. We all shared our breath and we are now attached by this balloon. We all get to experience the benefits of holding on to it as it floats through this earth. Some of us will see new things we have never had the chance to see, new perspectives.

We will see new perspectives on our past, new realisations about our futures, and what we are capable of accomplishing when we are intentionally working together.

Maurice Dyer – IHOM’s US Intern and Community Healing Assistant Co-ordinator.

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Chapter 4

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Groups of 20 to 23 people from diverse experiences are invited to share their stories in a safe space in a three-day workshop. Participation is voluntary and mostly come from IHOM partner organisations and the youth programmes in the local communities. Facilitators hold the process together that progresses from people getting to know each other, telling their stories, and listening to others tell their story.

They are then helped to make sense of the feelings that surface during the story telling , listening session and the themes that emerge as the origins of pain are being shared. The themes are usually linked to social justice issues that is the genesis of the pain expressed in stories. The last part of the workshop is forward looking giving hope. This is done by way of creating a life-celebration process.

After six weeks, participants are invited back to a second one-day workshop that allows participants to reflect on their journey since the first workshop, and to work through feelings of hatred and anger that might be stumbling blocks on their journey and to continue the conversations around forgiveness and reconciliation if it comes up.

The last phase of the journey is called a reunion, where participants again revisit their journey, and share with others what is working for them in moving forward or if the process is not working for them. Collectively they will share tools on how to progress, encourage and support each other. Participants might go to more than one three-day workshops before they progress to the second-phase workshop and reunion.

Most of the men that were part of the healing of memories process over three years in the journey of healing, can identify some point in their lives when they thought it was not okay to express certain feelings or behaviours, especially if those feelings showed weakness, vulnerability or sensitivity. Crying above all was strictly discouraged.

In recognising the different views and opinions around gender, this Publication is focusing only on men. This view has contributed to the perception that women are the only ones who will benefit from a more equal society. In reality, men also benefit from gender equality as they too face gender-specific issues such as lower life expectancy, bad health, lower education levels and rigid gender norms. It is essential that both women and men are aware of the benefits that gender equality brings to them as individuals and as members of communities and societies. It is also true that we can only succeed through the participation of both women and men.

It is therefore important to engage more men in the workshops for healing and reconciliation, for this is the way we can also bring change. To do that it is also necessary to help men 41

understand the importance of healing.

Especially considering that within the gender equality discourse men are under-represented (they are less likely to participate in events and projects).

Both genders deal differently with trauma. What drives men is not necessarily what drives women. Men tend to internalise a lot, while women will reach out to a support group.

Men will internalise as a part of their ‘macho’ image, telling themselves that ‘this is my problem, I can deal with it’. As a result, the stress of the situation will surface as a physical ailment or will be seen in the way they react to their family members.

Other ways in which men deal with their trauma are by abusing alcohol and sex; constant television watching; or excessive sleeping, and addiction to pornography.

If they are not dealing with the situation, it comes out in the way they relate to their children and wives. Sometimes they will be abusive to their wives and children. They will hit and see it as quite fine. But different men will have a different reaction, so it really depends.

I was heartened by seeing men crying on the workshops as a result of sharing their painful stories and being listen to by women facilitators, mainly because this is not the norm for men in certain culture, even mine: “Men don’t normally cry, they internalise their trauma.

They also learned sometimes through everyday interactions with other men but frequently because of abuse or traumatic experiences. They saw the only appropriate way to One of the most powerful breakthroughs in the healing of memories process is a growing understanding of trauma. Our work is grounded in the belief that we are all in need of healing, because of what we have done, what has been done to us and what we have failed to do.

The facilitators of the workshop enable people from the three different communities, and religion and age to reach a better understanding of themselves and each other.

In a safe and supportive space, guided by facilitators, participants were helped to confront sources of alienation, misunderstanding and personal suffering.

Of course, men are rarely encouraged to talk about their experiences of abuse or trauma, and our culture seems very confused about what is acceptable behaviour, both from and toward boys and men. One notable exception to this norm produced an amazing cultural breakthrough regarding men’s experience of trauma.

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It started with a healing of memories workshop and Men’s imbizo, where men were talking about their past hurtful stories and were then interviewed for this publication. The men participation in the healing of memories process – a weekend workshop, second phase workshop and re-union workshop. Here the men started to make the connection between the violence and abuse perpetrated on boys and men, how men are raised in this society, and the violence men commit. Every man I spoke with for the purposes of this publication, had experienced some kind of emotional or verbal abuse, and they talked about physical abuse as well. Some also admitted having been sexually abused. The silence that many men feel they are forced to keep around these traumatic experiences causes a great deal of pain and, not surprisingly, often becomes a factor in their addictive behaviours later.

Knowing that abuse, trauma and violence against boys and men are so strongly linked to addiction – and knowing, if left untreated, that the aftermath of these experiences can cause undeniable psychological, emotional, relational, physical and spiritual destruction – it seems logical and necessary to continue crating a safe space for men where their stories are shared, acknowledged and reverenced, so that they can take one step towards healing and wholeness.

Care providers, like the Institute of Healing of Memories, should be obligated to acknowledge the powerful role that trauma plays in men’s identity, addiction and recovery. We should offer help and healing opportunities, not just for the addictive behaviour on the surface, but for the untold pain, grief, violence and fear that underlie and feed it.

The American artist 2Puc, through his music often lamented about what he called ‘thug life’. In South Africa it will be called gangsterism. Through his music he very forcefully expressed the pain experienced by marginalised and impoverished young men. Was anyone listening?

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Dear Mama - 2Puc You are appreciated When I was young me and my mama had beef Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets Though back at the time, I never thought I’d see her face Ain’t a woman alive that could take my mama’s place Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool with the big boys, breakin all the rules I shed tears with my baby sister Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids And even though we had different daddy’s, the same drama When things went wrong we’d blame mama I reminisce on the stress I caused, it was hell Huggin on my mama from a jail cell And who’d think in elementary?

Heeey! I see the penitentiary, one day And runnin from the police, that’s right Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside And even as a crack fiend, mama You always was a black queen, mama I finally understand for a woman it ain’t easy tryin to raise a man You always was committed A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it There’s no way I can pay you back But the plan is to show you that I understand You are appreciated Now ain’t nobody tell us it was fair No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn’t there He passed away and I didn’t cry, cause my anger wouldn’t let me feel for a stranger They say I’m wrong and I’m heartless, but all along I was lookin for a father he was gone I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs They showed a young brother love I moved out and started really hangin 44

I needed money of my own so I started slangin I ain’t guilty cause, even though I sell rocks It feels good puttin money in your mailbox I love payin rent when the rent’s due I hope ya got the diamond necklace that I sent to you Cause when I was low you was there for me And never left me alone because you cared for me And I could see you comin home after work late You’re in the kitchen tryin to fix us a hot plate Ya just workin with the scraps you was given And mama made miracles every Thanksgivin But now the road got rough, you’re alone You’re tryin to raise two bad kids on your own And there’s no way I can pay you back But my plan is to show you that I understand You are appreciated Pour out some liquor and I reminisce, cause through the drama I can always depend on my mama And when it seems that I’m hopeless You say the words that can get me back in focus When I was sick as a little kid To keep me happy there’s no limit to the things you did And all my childhood memories Are full of all the sweet things you did for me And even though I act craaazy I gotta thank the Lord that you made me There are no words that can express how I feel You never kept a secret, always stayed real And I appreciate, how you raised me And all the extra love that you gave me I wish I could take the pain away If you can make it through the night there’s a brighter day Everything will be alright if ya hold on It’s a struggle everyday, gotta roll on And there’s no way I can pay you back But my plan is to show you that I understand You are appreciated 45

Chapter 5

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My name is Vernico Victor Pietersen. I was born in 1984 in the community of Elsie’s River in Cape Town, South Africa. I stayed with my mom and grandmother. My mom was very young when she gave birth to me. At some stage we went to live on a farm close to Atlantis and Mamre, I cannot remember how old I was. My memories of the farm is vague. Later we moved to Mamre next to Atlantis. It was difficult times and my mom decided that I should go back to Elsie’s River and live with my grandmother. This was when I started school.

My mom then had another baby, a daughter. She married my sister’s father and I went to live with them. This was my first experience of alcohol and domestic abuse. I did not know how to respond to it because I was a child. I was mostly scared. I never asked questions, I just kept everything to myself. I felt powerless, because I felt that there would be no action to change things in the house.

After about two or three years, I was sent back to live with my grandmother again. I thought it would be permanent. My grandmother gave me everything I needed. Despite this I did not feel whole. I was not part of a family – a mother, father, brothers and sisters. No matter what my grandmother did for me. she could not replace my mother or my father. I just kept my agony to myself and kept a smile on my face. My grandmother tried her best to make me know she was always there and that she cared. No matter what, even when I was naughty she was always just there for me whenever I needed attention and guidance.

In standard five, now called grade seven, I began smoking cigarettes. Towards the end of that year I started drinking, it started on the day of my friends’ birthday. My friends and I decided that we were going to drink so we bought alcohol and got drunk. It was like we were experimenting with alcohol.

Some months after I started smoking my grandmother found out. She was a smoker herself, one day she came to me and asked me if I had started smoking. She knew because in the mornings she kept finding cigarette “stompies’’ (stubs) from the night before. I then had to admit that I do smoke.

As time went by I began drinking a little bit of wine now and again. By standard six (grade eight) I began to drink a lot and started smoking marijuana through a pipe. After a while the marijuana did not have an effect on me. I was not getting that calm feeling. So I decided to boost it a little bit with cocaine. My friends and I would start smoking and just pass out and wake up an hour later not even knowing where we were?.

I remember one night I sat in my room and thought to myself, “Vernico, what are you doing to yourself, with these drugs?” I felt like I had to make a choice now or it would be too late for me. So I decided to stay away from the heavy stuff and only smoke marijuana. It was not easy because of the 47

peer pressure. As time went on, my drinking went from bad to worse. Elsie’s River was a dangerous place but I did not even bother about my safety. I would walk around at night until all hours of the morning with my friends just drinking and partying.

I dropped out of school in standard eight (grade ten), I was 15-years-old at the time. My grandmother still supported me. She would give me money and I would use it on alcohol. I could see it hurt her. But satisfying my urges was more important and I would say sorry later. I would see tears in her eyes.

One Sunday night my friends called me to a party. Before we went there, we drank a few beers. I remember my grandmother had bought me a phone. It was supposed to be for my birthday but she was using it in the meantime. That Sunday night I decided that I was going to take the phone. I was tipsy. I took the phone to sell it for money. My grandmother said to me; “You are going to be sorry if you leave with that phone.” I said to her “Then give me money”. She said, “I only have R50 for bread”. So I grabbed the phone, and the R50 and went out of the door to party with my friends.

In the early hours of the morning around three o’clock, I told my friends I was going home. As soon as I opened the gate to my grandmother’s yard I got that cold feeling in my body. I felt like something was not right. When I got there the house was totally dark. Normally, we keep the bathroom lights on. But this night there was no light anywhere. I thought, “she is really very mad at me”. I wondered if she was going to open the door. I knocked and knocked but there was a padlock on the door. I went around the house, knocking for about an hour. Eventually I thought, “well she does not want to open”.

There was a pole in the yard, I took it and began trying to hit the lock off the door, but it was too difficult to open the door. Around four in the morning it was getting very cold. The alcohol started to leave my system. So I gathered pieces of wood in the yard and made a fire just to keep myself warm. At about five o’clock that morning I was very tired and still cold so I left the yard and started walking.

I went to the people I used to work for at our local tuck shop before I got involved in drugs and alcohol when I was 14-years-old. The man owned a plumbing company and had a “bakkie” (van) that was parked in their yard. The gate was open and the “bakkie” was unlocked, so I got in and I slept in it.

When the sun came out, I woke up and went home. When I got home, I noticed that there were no changes. The door was still locked. After that there was no one at my grandmother’s house for a week and half. I slept around, in the “bakkie” and at my friends’ places. Sometimes, I would just sit outside the house. I felt abandoned during this time. I was just drifting.

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One Friday I was on my way somewhere and as I walk passed my home I noticed there was someone in the house. I went into the yard and before I got to the door my grandmother opened it.

She was not angry, she just smiled at me and said she missed me. I could not understand, I was a so confused because I expected her to be mad at me or something. I had mixed emotions, I thought maybe there was a catch or maybe she wanted to teach me a lesson.

Anyway, I went in and she said to me: “You must go and stay with your mother.” My mom lived in a small house in the suburb of Delft. It was literally a one-room-house, one bedroom and a bathroom.

If I went to live there, there would be five people staying in this house, my mother, stepfather, my two brothers and I. I was concerned because I was used to having my own bedroom, now I would have to live in a small house. I pleaded with my grandmother but she refused to let me stay.

I went to my room and noticed it was not the way I left it. There was a TV, VCR and Hifi in my room. My clothes were just lying on the floor, and some of my clothes were gone. My grandmother showed me that the window to my room was broken, so to her it was clear that someone had broken in and stolen my stuff. I couldn’t understand how that could be.

My grandmother had lots of jewellery in a jewellery box in the house because the man she was involved with was a “shebeen” (tavern) owner. Nothing of hers was gone. Someone came into my room passed the TV, VCR and Hifi and did not take it? There was also a finished plate of food with chicken bones just lying there. This told me that my grandmother got someone to steal my clothes and set the whole thing up. I could not understand or believe it. I cannot express how this affected me. I was hurt, angry and confused.

I left for Delft as instructed. I did not know how to handle things because there was so much friction. There were so many people staying in the house. You could ask for something and not get anything. I was nobody’s priority anymore. I struggled to adjust especially to the lack of privacy. I told myself I am not going to ask anymore. I’m going to do my own thing.

I started working at the taxis. I was 18-years-old. I worked as a taxi “gaadjie” (taxi conductor). It was nice. I got paid on a daily basis. I was getting a lot of money and doing nothing with it. I would just buy two beers and cigarettes. By the end of the week I would have more money than I had spent.

As time went by, my friends and I started secretly experimenting with Tik (crystal meth) on Saturdays. Eventually, by the age of 19 my friends and I were smoking Tik every day after work. We would get money and we would just sit the whole night and smoke. During that period I did not even want beers. I was just doing Tik. We would not sleep. It was just smoke Tik, work, smoke Tik, work.

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I became friends with gangsters and started shooting, putting my life and other people’s lives at risk.

I was always on the street. I felt better and relieved when I was out of the house because the house was too small.

At times there would be a part of me that was missing a father and a mother in a home of my own. Usually I would keep quiet about it but there came a time when I started talking and making trouble in the house. I started to blame my mother for me not having a father figure and the fact that she was not there for me when I was growing up. When I think about is now, I was angry and frustrated.

My family evicted me. I was on the street, staying with friends, moving from house to house. Then I got tuberculosis. I was in treatment for six months. This gave me a lot of time to think about my life.

When I was released they took me back to my mother’s house. I was still weak. I could not smoke anymore, I could not do anything. I did not feel like smoking for a year. I got clean and healthy. I told myself I’m not going back to drugs. For a while I was doing well.

One night my friends came over and said let’s go and smoke. They gave me a cigarette to light. I thought let me just take a few puffs. After that I started smoking drugs again and doing Tik. My mother and my step father evicted me again. It ended up becoming a cycle, repeating itself.

During this time I also fathered my first child, we called him Verneilo. This time when I was thrown out again I went to live in Leiden, a suburb near Delft, with Vernello’s mother Petulia. She helped me a lot. She would go to work and I would clean the house. I liked keeping the house clean. When she came back from work she would give me something to eat and maybe a bit of money, R10 or so.

I was beginning to get a sense of what it meant to be part of a family.

One day I decided to tell my mom and my stepfather that I’m not mad at them. I was just angry about the fact that I never had the privilege of calling someone “dad” and that there was no father figure in my life. Whenever I brought up questions about my father my mother ended up crying.

She never really gave me any answers. I eventually had to admit and accept the fact that my father would never be part of my life because after all these years if he really wanted to be part of my life he would have made an effort. So I just needed to move on from that.

Then my real father died. My mother’s cousin lived near him. She called my mother one day to tell her that my father was very sick. During this period my mother started opening up about my father and told us about my father being sick. My brother and I went and stood outside his house. He came out and he looked at us. He seemed shocked to see us, but all he said was “come tomorrow”. I looked at my brother and we walked away. We were hurt, not even a “hello” from him after all these 50

years. We went the next day but he was busy the whole time. I went to the shop to buy cigarettes and he came over to the shop. It seemed like he wanted to talk. He had a R50 in his hand and he put it in my hand and said that was all I will get from him. I told him I wasn’t there for his money, I work and have my own money and that we came because our mother told us that he was sick. I told him I only came to show my concern, but that I was sorry we had even, come and I thought it was a waste of money.

We went home. Shortly after that incident he passed away and was buried and that was that. For me he was dead a long time ago. Just the thought of him putting a R50 in my hand still made me feel very insulted. We never bothered him before so I have no idea what made him think we were there for money! My brother said he really felt like hitting him that day, but I told him to let it go it just wasn’t worth it. These days I think I can thank my father for not being there for me because I might not have been the same man that I am today.

Anyway, for the next couple of years things got better, then worse, then better and then worse. It just became a cycle. I was in my twenties. My drug use started again and went from bad to worse.

There were always friends and girls around me. There was no alone time to sit and think things through. A couple of my friends died during those years. The death that affected me the most was the murder of a friend at a party, it happened because he was supposedly with a girl who belonged to someone else. They slit his throat.

Sometimes when you meet a girl at a party she would not tell you she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend would wait outside for you with the gang. The minute you set your foot outside, the gang would attack anyone who was with his girl. You could not carry guns or knives with you into the party venue because you got searched at the entrance. This incident made me realise that my life was slipping away.

I used to be “a ladies’ man”. I went through a lot of girlfriends. Every girl had something that I liked. But I needed someone who was all the girls put together to make the complete girl of my dreams. I met my wife Shannon, she was from Steenberg at that time. We were in a relationship for a number of years before we decided to get married. After all the cheating, it was nice to finally find someone who really cared about me.

I really changed because of her. She knew I was on drugs, but she approached me differently. She did not shout at me about the drugs, she was calm and talked to me like a friend. I would sit and listen to her. Before I knew it, I had stopped smoking. I made more time for her. I would buy her ice-cream and other fun stuff. I no longer felt the need to do bad things. I began to get the respect from my mother and stepfather that I always wanted. Before this, every time when I would go and 51

visit them they would think, “Here he comes again, I wonder what he wants this time?”

These days they welcome me with smiles and my mother gives me a hug. She never used to give me a hug before. She likes the changes in me and she is now playing her role in my life because she and the man I have become.

After all those years, I actually begin to feel that I have gained lot of wisdom through my life experiences. I see young people who are like I used to be. I am able to try and advise or guide youngsters to make better choices. I tell them to think of the consequences of their choices and make better ones so they can give themselves an advantage in the short and long term. By doing this I feel I am trying to help people. You cannot force someone, but you can forewarn them to think of the consequences. I did not listen, so I actually don’t expect people to listen either.

I have learnt from my mistakes and I like to think that I have gotten a little bit wiser. I think about the number of times I nearly died from a shooting or a sickness, but I’m still here. There has to be a reason for that. I came to the realisation that it was time for me to make a change.

I went to college. It was supposed to be a 3-year course but I dropped out after a year. I was very disappointed because they could not find my report or college results after I had been sick. I did not allow that to knock me down. I got up and just continued on my path.

I began working at Shoprite, now all my true friends are my work friends. We all have that work relationship. I try to avoid my other friends from my old life. I am happy with my work friends.

People began to like and greet me because of changes in me. The treatment was very different from the way I was treated with my old friends.

I look at my eldest child Verneilo and see that he is a lot like me. He would do “foolish” things, but he would ask me questions when I correct him. Almost as though he was trying to figure me out.

He enjoys communicating with me. I want to be a role-model to him, not just to visit him. I am putting all my efforts into showing him that I am doing just that.

I can now see that he respects me. Whenever he came home very late, his mother Petulia would call me expecting me to give him a scolding, spanking or something, but I would do the opposite. I would sit down with him and talk things through and he would listen. I try make sure that he knew that if there was something he is not happy about he could always tell me.

He would tell me that his mother would say very bad things about me when she was angry with him. She would say things like, “Your father is useless.” Due to this my son wanted to smack her at one time, but I told him he should not do that to his mother as violence is wrong no matter who the person is. My relationship with his mother has now improved. The mother of my other child 52

Portia is fine, and we are all basically getting along very well. I like the man I have become. My boys like and respect me and they would like to be a bit like me. This makes me like and respect myself and motivates me to try to be better.

I sowed my wild oats in my time and I have learnt a lot. I still have a long way to go, but I have enough tools for my life ahead, and for my children. I am happily settled down.

When I was at the college, I did a few things I never thought I would do. I was a peer educator. I performed onstage at the Baxter Theatre. I remember my college, Northlink, won first prize. It broadened my horizons and made me feel I had accomplished something. I also went for a weekend workshop and peer educator workshop where I gained a lot of knowledge and skills.

I worked as a home visitor at Sakha Isizwe. This was a big challenge to the community, because they are used to woman being home visitors. Through Sakha Isizwe I gained knowledge that developed me. I now know things I did not know before. It was here that I had the opportunity to attend a Healing of Memories workshop. I remember at the end of that weekend, it was like we all know each other. There was a sense of trust and I felt safe in the space. I could tell my story. It was a detoxifying process, getting rid of the poison and hurt in me. I came away from the weekend feeling light, and I will do it again. The burning of the candle was one of the high-lights, I could relate with what everyone was saying during the lighting of the candle. I realised that we had lot of things in common. I remember saying, “I came through the gate as an elephant, but I am leaving soaring like a dove over the gate.”

The Men’s Imbizo also had an impact on my life. I could relate to the topics we were talking about.

The men that was present freely expressed their opinions and what they were feeling. We did not hide our feelings from each other, we were open. What I took away from the Imbizo was that the other men were just as vulnerable as I was. It was another step for me to talk and share my emotions and feelings instead of keeping it all inside of me. It is a good feeling.

I’m not a very religious person, but I know there is a God. I now say, “thank you Lord” for the changes and all the opportunities. In good times and in bad He is there. Now I live a life that I never thought I would have and I love it. My wife’s family have accepted me and my family accepted my wife. Everything is going well.

The house we are now living in was my wife’s parents place. They are going to sign over the house to us. This will really help us a lot and save us money. Sometimes when we run out of groceries her family give us groceries and money without expecting it back. We are thankful. Our children don’t lack anything. As I have not had parents who were there for me, I like it.

My main focus now is on my kids, my marriage and my community. My wife and I are happy, we have been through a lot but we are stronger now.53

Chapter 6

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My name is David Reneke. I was born on 12 February 1960 in Modder Rivier, on the outskirts of Kimberley. I come from a big family, I am the sixth child of 11 siblings. The family moved to a township in Kimberly about the time when I started my schooling. I did my schooling as far as standard seven, that is grade nine.

During this time my father worked as a petrol attendant in Kimberly. In the early seventies my mother and father divorced. I was about 11 or 12 years old. After the divorce we were very unsettled. In those days you would not question or ask adults about their relationship issues.

Today with my grandchildren things are different. They ask questions.

For most of my childhood we went from place to place and house to house because we didn’t have our own place. This was especially stressful after my parents divorced. We stayed with different aunts and sometimes with my grandmother. This was in the early seventies. During this difficult time my mother managed to keep us all together. It was very, very tough times.

Looking back I wonder how we survived.

My mother passed away in the late ‘70s in Kimberley. Losing my mother was the saddest thing that ever happened to me. I felt comfortable talking to her when I needed someone to talk to.

Although we were a lot of children, she managed to find time to listen to me. I don’t know how she did it.

After my mother died we went to live with my father in Pescodia, Kimberly. He received a government subsidy to buy a house. It was difficult without my mother. However, my father gave us what we needed. He gave us love and support. He taught us life skills. I lived there until I was 19-years-old. By then some of my siblings had moved away, gotten married and started their own lives.

I then joined the army for a year in 1978 to 1979 in Eerste River, Cape Town. My father enrolled me into the army without me knowing. I must say I did not really take to the army. It was just to have a job. There was almost no jobs in Kimberley.

As soon as I finished my army training after a year, I went back home to Kimberley. When I got home things were okay, but the problem was there were no jobs. People were struggling.

My father was getting older and no longer worked at the petrol station. He became a church man working with elderly people. I worked with him for a little while taking care of the elderly doing pastoral care. He would also visit some women to give them moral support in their life challenges.

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During that period of my life in 1979, I got involved with a women in Kimberley. Her name was Gladys. We had a child named Jerome. I now had responsibilities and had to find a job. It was then when I thought of going back to Cape Town to look for a job. Gladys agreed that I should go and she would look after Jerome. My elder brother from Cape Town came home for a visit and we left together for Cape Town in the beginning of 1980.

I remember those days when I arrived in Cape Town well. I stayed with my aunt in Ravensmead. The township was well-known for gangsterism then, it still is today. My friends, nephews and I would go out to drink and get drunk. I began smoking “ganja” (dagga) also known as marijuana. We were lucky not to have been caught by the police like some people in the neighbourhood because it is illegal. But we sometimes got chased and beaten up by the police.

My uncle got me a job at the railway in 1981. Things did not go well there. The railways were run by the apartheid government. Most of the foremen or people in charge were men who came from the farm and who had no education. We called them boere (boers). They were given higher positions because they were ‘white’. ‘White’ people under apartheid got all the “lekker” (good) positions and better salaries. The white people really treated us very badly.

It was not a good working condition. I did not stay there for long. I then went to work as a security guard from 1982 to 1983. I eventually left the security job, and went to work for Coroma Doors. I worked there from 1984 until 2000.

Apartheid did not only affect my work, it affected my Identity. The apartheid ‘classification’ really affected my life heavily. I was called a “coloured”. I did not like that. My mother spoke an indigenous Khoi language, but the Boers/ Afrikaners forced their language on us when we were classified coloureds. However, I am not a coloured, I am Khoisan.

At that time I got married to Shirley, the wife I am still living with now. We have one child named Rene. Rene was born in 1981 before we got married. We have been married for 33 years now. We struggled to get our own place. When we first got married, we stayed with the woman who brought my wife up. My wife’s parent left her with this lady after their separation.

We got married in 1984, she was 23 and I was 24. I was very happy to marry her as it was something I always wanted. Rene has two children, our grandchildren are Rubenice, who was born in 1998, and Rayleen who was born in in 2006.

By then everything was going well because I had a good, permanent job that I liked at Coroma Doors where I worked for 16 years. Our only problem was the lack of a proper place of our own. We put our names on the government’s housing waiting list in 1994. After waiting for ten 56

years we eventually managed to get a ‘government subsidy home in Delft’. It was such a great thing to get our house, we were so pleased and grateful. We are still in the house today.

Many things happened in that time. My friends were mostly gangsters. I almost got involved in gangsterism, but did not. I experimented with drugs and stuff like that. But I soon dropped it because it didn’t suit me. It was not what I wanted for my life. I then also stopped drinking alcohol as it made my friends fight a lot and they would expect me to join the fight, which is something I didn’t like. I preferred marijuana instead of alcohol. I kept on smoking my dagga and took on the Rasta culture full-time.

Three years ago I met aunt Janap from Delft. She is the founder and director of the organisation called Hope for Destiny. I met her through my grandchild, who was taking part in one of their dancing lessons programmes. They run a number of programmes in the community and invite people to participate. I started participating in some of their activities.

I have a very good understanding with Janap. I just do my thing as a Rasta, like smoking dagga. But when I go to aunt Janap’s house, I don’t smoke or do bad things out of respect for them. For me this was encouraging as she and her husband acted as a mirror for me because I could then see myself through their eyes.

I went with them to many places, I had never been before or thought I would ever go to. One of them are the Healing of Memories workshops in Stellenbosch at the Christian Brothers Centre and then the 2nd phase workshop at Little Stream in Constantia. I didn’t know there were places like these where you could go to free yourself from the misery in your life. I felt free to tell my story, it was such a relief. Sometimes you want to able to speak to someone or tell your story but you don’t have anyone to tell it to who is willing to listen.

These workshops and the people I met there made me feel very good about myself , they were like a light in my life, and made me see myself as a person worth listening to. It was great.

From the first day I met the people from Hope for Destiny they changed my life. I was grateful to be able to share my story in the Healing of Memories workshops and now my life story and challenges are in this book. So now people can know where I come from and where I’m going.

I’ve learnt how important it is to work with people and help in community activities.

To change your life is very difficult, the last 16 years has not been easy, especially for people who are trying to go from bad to good. I realise that I survived only through the grace of God. I have a family to support – I, my wife and three children, and my daughter’s two kids, my grandchildren. It is difficult because it doesn’t feel good when you don’t have an income. Since 57

2000 I have not had a permanent job, I only get short contract jobs ‘two months sometimes three months’.

Nevertheless, my child I have in Kimberley from my previous relationship, Jerome, is now a grown up man. He is working. He is looking after himself and his mother and a sister who is younger than him. They have a good understanding. He is now the main guy in the house. He is looking good. I don’t see him personally as he works somewhere near Kimberley. His sister showed me photos of him when I went there for a funeral. His mother had one child, Conrad, when I met her. The younger sister was conceived after we broke up. She is the child from another man.

It is good to see them turn out better than I ever expected. I thank God for this. I left when they were still small, he was in grade R (previously sub A) and his sister was two years old.

Now both Jerome and his sister Charmaine have finished matric. They now both looking after their mother. That was very good to see. Since she got divorced and her kids grew up and found work, she is staying alone. Charmaine now works in Johannesburg and Jerome works outside of Kimberley in the mining industry in Hopetown. I am glad they can look after their mother because I did not.

The Men’s Imbizo organised and facilitated by the Institute for the Healing of Memories inspired me to encourage young men to do things that will bring progress in their lives. It made me to realise as a man how important communication is with one’s family. To share things happening inside of you instead of not sharing your emotions.

To be a man is to stand firm, point number one. You have to know where you are off too.

What you expect of life. If you are married you must be loyal to your wife. She must know everything you are doing. You must look after your children and your house and stay healthy.

The main thing is, you have to be loyal to your family. Blood is thicker than water. Family is where you also feed your spirit. It is a place where you have people to talk to and care for.

As I conclude, when you are a young man you can choose to do irresponsible things, but when you have responsibilities you must leave those things behind because they will lead to disaster.

My wife and I have had our ups and downs but in the end we talk things over. Communication is a good approach when it comes to family.

My future plan is to go back home to Kimberley with my current family and continue my life there. I want to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest, and build a relationship with my firstborn. I give thanks to the Lord for carrying me and my family through the years.

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Chapter 7

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My name is Gerald Julies. I was born on 20 April 1974 in Pella Mission Station, near Atlantis, just outside Cape Town. I had a very harsh childhood. At birth my mother didn’t accept me as her child because she was raped. Through that action I was conceived. She was afraid to tell her mother and father that she was pregnant but eventually the “gumball” became noticeable and she had to let them know. My mother was admitted into the hospital when she contracted tuberculosis and she was in there for six months. During this time I was born. She left me to be raised by my grandparents.

I was born a hermaphrodite, with both male and female genitals. My mother was a theatre nurse at Tiger-berg hospital at the time. Before we were discharged from hospital she made them remove my female genitals. But I was raised as a girl. I had long hair and my grandmother made me wear dresses. When my mother came out of the hospital she went back to work.

Growing up, my mother’s actions were very confusing to me. She bought me a little toy snake, army action figures and cannons to play with. It seems my grandmother wanted a girl so she bought me dolls to play with, but my mother wanted a son even though she had my female genitalia removed.

I was seven years old when my grandfather died. My mother never drank but when my grandfather died she began drinking very heavily and this was when things started to become very hectic. I never knew what she meant to me, my mother confused me. As I mentioned my grandmother raised me, when she became ill and old my mother was forced to leave her work and look after her. My grandmother eventually died at the age of 93.

My father’s mother and father would come to fetch me sometimes when I was still a very young child and they would take me to their home. They would pick me up with a horse and carriage every Saturday afternoon until I was about seven years old. They would take me and entertain me and then bring me back home. I was spoiled. It made me feel special like I was put on a pedestal in a glass case. Both sets of my grandparents would argue over me saying “this is my grandson!” The other one would say, “No this is MY grandson!” This made my cousins jealous. This went on until my grandfather on my mother’s side died when I was seven.

This is when my hell started.

After the death of my grandfather, my grandmother took in a man off the street, she adopted him. He was a handyman and in his thirties. I was forced to go work with him to clean toilets at a nearby school. The school had no electricity and the toilets were outside, called pit toilets.

My grandmother had a good relationship with the school principle. Every Monday she would 61

take him freshly baked bread that just came out of the oven.

My cousins would come to fetch me and take me home after cleaning the toilets. We would all go home and was locked in the house together. We had a big house. It was our family house.

There were six of us, five boys and one girl, myself. My cousins would tease me calling me mommy’s boy and things like that.

Everyday this “adopted son” took me along with him to clean the toilets. This was when he started to molest me, first forced me to give him oral sex, then he started to sodomise me. I was scared in the beginning, so very scared. I thought that if I tell anyone he would kill me. I will never forget it was very, very hurtful for me. I was so fearful that I started wetting my bed.

My mother was drinking like a fish and didn’t know or care. I studied by candlelight at night. I was afraid to blow out the candle because I was afraid of the dark. To this day I am still afraid of the dark.

One night this man came and did it to me with all my little cousins still sleeping in that one room. One of my cousins woke up and he said that he was going to tell my mother. I begged him not to. My mother used to tell me “you’re not my son, go look for your father.” When she was sober she was quite fine. But when she was drunk, I didn’t want to be near her.

The first time this man sodomised me, he went to my mother and raped her too. I was just seven years old at the time and I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I went to my mother’s bed but she told me to get out, so I crawled back to my own bed. So it was first this man. Then when one of the cousins saw it he too began to sodomise me. Then eventually it was all my cousins in that one room where we all slept. My cousins would also do it to me when we went into the bush to get wood. When my mother told me to go fetch wood with my cousins, I didn’t want to go with them. I would cry and cry, because I knew what was waiting for me out there. We had to fetch wood every day and my cousins would rape me there. They said they would kill me if I told anyone and I believed them.

I never spoke to my mother about what happened to me and what I saw was happening to her.

One day I did try to tell her what was happening to me and she hit me so hard with a stick, I had to stay away from school for two weeks. She told the principle of my school that I was sick with the measles. To this day I have never said anything to her ever again I was too afraid of my mother. My mother died four years ago without us ever talking about this again.

When I was 11 I got a dog named Tony. I treasured that dog more than my mother or anyone in my family. That dog was very special to me. He was my best friend. He was the only friend I could talk 62

to. I remember every morning when I went to school by bus, Tony would chase after the bus.

I was raised as a woman, and believed that I should do womanly things. I started knitting, crocheting and baking bread. I dressed like a woman. I wore dresses and put on nail polish.

If I saw a beautiful man, I would look. I felt acceptance by other women when I was in dresses. No matter what I did, whenever I was around men they would call me a “moffie” (an effeminate man). I just couldn’t fit in anywhere.

At the age of 16 I had had enough. I decided that nobody was going to use or abuse me anymore. One night when that guy who used to abuse me came again I decided not anymore, never again! So I took a knife to bed with me and I hid it. After my schoolwork I blew out the candle. I was very afraid because I knew that is when he would come. When he came and he pulled off the blanket, I stabbed him with the knife. It didn’t kill him, I just ripped his T-shirt.

Then I swallowed all my grandmother’s medications because I wanted to die.

A day later I had a nervous breakdown and I ended up in the hospital with an anxiety attack.

I felt like I didn’t have any control over what was happening to me. I felt so stressed it felt like I was having a stroke. I was angry at the whole world, angry at my mother, just really, really angry. I didn’t know who to blame. I was trying to reach out to someone, anyone, but nobody could see that. They didn’t see what I was trying to tell them. My mother just didn’t want to see anything. I had to be transferred to a mental institution, they sent me to Valkenberg. I was so confused and lost.

The only saving grace for me was that I was a good singer. On Sundays we would go to the Moravian Church. I sang in the choir. I would always cry when I sing because I found that it was kind of a release for me. I found myself in music and in singing. I expressed myself through it and I still do. They would ask me to do a solo some Sundays because I could make people who were listening to my singing cry too. I loved it. I felt like Whitney Houston. She was my favourite artist. I felt a deep connection, not just to her songs, but the melody and the lyrics of her songs as well. Singing in the choir helped me discover my voice. I remember I got a standing ovation for one of my solos. I felt it was like a validation. Like I had found my purpose.

I’ve made lots of wrong decisions in my life. I decided that I was a man when I was 17 years old and in matric. I decided I wasn’t going to be anybody’s doormat anymore. I started walking and acting like a man. I built my muscles like a man. I said to myself I will not accept bad treatment anymore! I began to feel strong and powerful.

I remember the first consensual sex partner I had. My first romance. I was 17 and there was 63

this guy. He had been one of my best friends since grade ten. We cared for each other. But deep down I felt something was wrong. We had sex once, and that ended our relationship. I was so confused at the time and I think that was one of the reasons for my nervous breakdown as well.

When I came out of the Valkenberg Mental Institution I started studying intensively. I began working at Checkers, then Shoprite as a trainee manager, to pay my school fees. In grade ten I wanted to leave school and work full time. But my mother said I should stay in school. She said I was going to be an example for the rest of my family.

In my matric year I got involved with gangs. I became that macho kind of guy I longed to be. I started drinking and I failed maths, but I still managed to pass my matric. I tried to act manly but people would still call me a “moffie”. I hate men. I don’t feel comfortable in the presence of men because of what they did to me. I feel much more comfortable with women. I am always suspicious of men’s intentions with me. I wonder “what do you want from me?” Even though I would let men in I would still kept an emotional distance. I started hanging out with gangsters and smoking marijuana. I wanted to show everybody that I am a man. I started carrying knives and fighting in the streets. I would win fights too. I wanted to show everyone that I am a man and that I was tough enough.

While I was hanging around with the gangsters I became a famous DJ as well. I was the man with the money. I would give people money to buy this, that or the other. I bought my friendships. I bought my manhood. I tried to belong to the group. I didn’t know myself. I hated people. I hated men. If I saw an attractive man, I decided he would be mine. I would do anything to get him in between the sheets, especially if they had called me a “moffie” in public.

Then I will get my revenge. Money talks, even if I have to pay you a lot of money I will make sure I get you. So if you have sex with me then who is the “moffie”? If I disclose your secret, you will be so ashamed and embarrassed.

I had my guy friends and I had my girlfriends. I started to abuse them. I started relationships with some of my male friends even though my girlfriend was pregnant with my child.

Everything was getting out of control. I was abusing alcohol, drugs and people.

I was 19 years old when I had my first child. Just before my first child was about to be born and I had got another woman pregnant. At this time, I was also pursuing men, having intimate relations with them. Men was also pursuing me. I was bisexual, having relationships indiscriminately.

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The day my first child was born I cried, it was a girl. Today she is 22 years old. She celebrated her birthday on the 18th of July, on Mandela day. She looks just like me. She makes me feel good about myself, like I did something right. I fathered two more children, both when I was nineteen years old. My second child was stillborn. When my third child was born her mother didn’t want me to see her. She married a Muslim man and now they live someplace else and I’m not allowed to visit the child. But I see my first child every day, as she lives in Atlantis as well.

I saw my father for the first time when I was 30 years old. We went to his mother’s funeral. I always used to ask my mother where my father was. But all she would say is, he’s a fisherman.

I remember going to the funeral really drunk and really high. I carried two knives in my jacket. I told myself that when I see him, I would kill him! During the funeral I kept to myself and that is when one of my half-sisters, whom I had never met before, called me over and introduced me to my father. It was so overwhelming. I just cried and cried. I reached for those knives in my pocket and I stuck them in the ground right in front of his feet. I don’t know why but I just couldn’t bring myself to stick the knives into him. While I was standing there staring at him it was like something inside of me was released. In releasing all those pent-up emotions of hate and anger I found closure. I never saw him again.

I’m married now, for 17 years. My daughter was five years old when we got married. I really care for her mother. I also wanted to show everyone that I am a man by getting married. In 2002, I was diagnosed with HIV. It is 2015 now. I left my wife, I didn’t divorce her, but we are separated. I’m living with another woman now. We have normal marital relations.

When I met the head of Atlantis Integrated HIV & AIDS Network, the only one I am working for now my, whole life changed. I started doing trainings and learning about myself and my disease. It was hard not having had a good childhood. If I could turn back the time I would perhaps be someone else. It was during this part of my life‘s journey I also attended the Healing of Memories workshop. I remember, as we were asked to draw our stories, I was afraid, scared and didn‘t know what to expect. The moment I started drawing my story, something opened up in my mind. All those hurtful memories I suppressed all these years, I wanted to put them on paper. After I have shared my story I thought, why didn‘t I share it long time ago? I feel so much better, my pain is not so deep anymore. The more I talk about it the lesser the pain becomes. In my community I now feel free to talk to my friends about my life incidents in my past.

What hurt the most is that when I was young, I converted to Christianity and I put my faith in God. Yet these things still continued to happen to me. I would scream out “Why God? Why 65

are you doing this to me? Why did you put me here in this situation?” I asked God a lot of questions, a lot of “why’s”. I still cry because I still hurt. Another thing I find most hurtful is the fact that I know my mother knew what was happening to me.

Today I’ve given my life to community service. Since I was small child I wanted to be a teacher.

But I felt like I was denied my dreams because of my circumstances. I had to work from an early age and because I was abused, I abused drugs and alcohol.

If I could start over again I would have done things different. But I can’t change the past. I’m only able to take control of my future. I nearly died once when I tried to commit suicide and I was actually declared dead, like in a morgue, dead. But I never died like I wanted to. I asked, “why God”, I see so many people who die every day. I asked why do I have to go through all this, every day. “Just let me go”, I didn’t want to live. But He didn’t let me go. Eventually I found the answer in the Bible. I have a purpose to serve. Not the purpose from the past. As hard as it is, I see it now. God has a purpose for me, and my purpose is not yet fulfilled. I need to put all that happened to me in the past aside. It is not about me anymore, it is about God, and the people that need to be served.

I now realise that in the past I served only myself. Now I serve others. I have had the HIVvirus for 13 years now. I can’t deny who I am. I am a man. I forgive and that is why I am who I am today. I can smile, I can laugh. It’s as though God wanted me to go through this whole process in order to discover who I am. What’s the use of clinging to the past. I try to be strong, for myself and for the people around me. Although I did try to end my life, my spirit, my inner being tells me that it is not over until God says it is. My mother died four years ago.

How do I feed my soul now? Despite all that has happened to me, I read my Bible. I still sing. I sing more in the shower or at karaoke these days than in the choir. Singing relieves me. When I sing, I don’t sing with my head, I sing from my heart. I put all my emotions into the song. I don’t know why people cry when I sing. Maybe it’s because I sing with everything that I’ve got.

I feel free when I sing, like I am soaring in the clouds. That’s why I still sing.

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Chapter 8

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My name is Mthandazo which means “the prayer”, and my surname is Ndabeni. I was born in the early ’80s in a village called Zwelitsha in Cofimvaba in the Eastern Cape . This is also the place where my mother was born. I have five siblings, three brothers and two sisters.

My home village is next to Zwelitsha, Entlakwefolo in the Eastern Cape. Entlakwefolo is a village in Cofimvaba about 50 km from Queenstown. My other name is Thomas, which is not in my identity book. My father named me Mthandazo before I was even born. He nicknamed me Thomas at birth because he said I was “doubting to be born” as my older sister was born before me. My father was hoping that I (a son) would be the second born, hence he nicknamed me Thomas, the biblical figure “Doubting Thomas”. He named my sister Nomthandazo.

When my father worked in Gauteng my mother moved us there to be with him when I was very young. My father passed away in Gauteng when I was just two years old. He was struck by lightning. We then had to move back to the Eastern Cape to Zwelitsha where I grew up.

It was a nice place. We lived off corn, crops and cattle milk. Zwelitsha has big green fields where people grow mostly mealies, potatoes and wheat. I liked it there because it has neat open spaces. This was the foundation of the first seven years of my life.

We moved to Cape Town when I was eight years old. I suffered from very bad asthma then, which was healed at a later stage, hence I was delayed in my schooling. I couldn’t attend preschool due to my ill health. My asthma was healed through laying of hands and prayer at my church.

Green Point, the community we first lived in was right next to a place now known as Masiphumelele. It was an informal settlement. We had no water, no electricity, no decent sanitation and no school. Trucks would bring the community water. Every morning we had fetch the water using containers and wheelbarrows. It was a difficult new way of life for me.

We lived in informal houses called shacks.

I went to an informal school in Green Point that was started by a woman called Pat and her volunteer friends. They taught us English, basic mathematics and other general subjects. My favourite thing was to learn about animals. I got to know what a lion was. They also took us to Museums and to the Zoo where we got to see animals face to face.

At a later stage we were moved to site 5 (now known as Masiphumelele) by the government.

I liked it there. Suddenly there were streets, water and electricity.

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Pat, the woman who started the informal school in Green Point where we used to stay, made sure that the Department of Education built a school at site 5. That school was named Ukhanyo Primary School. When Pat and her team were sure that there would be teachers who would teach us, they left. I was young at that time and I never thought of keeping in contact with her. I regret that because I haven’t heard from her since she left. I went to school at Ukhanyo until I was in grade seven. Pat was like an angel, she helped me and others learn English. I can now speak English because of her. She taught us in love.

When I was in grade eight it was decided that I should go back to the Eastern Cape to help look after my family home. I was there for a year and in that time I didn’t study. I looked after cattle and helped on the farm. A year later it was decided that I should go back to Cape Town.

When I came back from the Eastern Cape my schoolmate had received a scholarship to go to a better school, Fishhoek High. I was worried about my chances to get a scholarship. I knew if I had stayed I would have gotten a bursary with my mate too because I was always at the top of my class. I continued with school at Ukhanyo until I went to Ocean View High School. At this school I didn’t concentrate. I started hanging with the wrong people. I didn’t study and I began leaving school early. I started smoking cigarettes due to peer pressure.

From cigarettes it went to marijuana and other kinds of drugs. I couldn’t focus and I wound up dropping out of school. I then became one of the “bad people” in Masiphumelele.

Things in my life only started to turn around three years after that, thanks to my mother’s persistence. She would tell me about church even though I didn’t want to know about it. I decided that I was no longer that young boy who would go to church. But my mother never gave up on me. She continued encouraging and telling me to go to church. I then regarded myself as one of those street guys who have nothing to do with church.

One day I decided to turn my life around. I began going to church, where I was prayed for several weeks until I gave up drugs. Even though I didn’t want to be in church I have to admit that it helped me. I didn’t go to rehab. I was healed spiritually. I continued to drink though, but I stopped taking all other drugs. Sometimes I drank all hours of the day, especially from Friday to Sunday. It was like I was starting to get addicted to alcohol. Which is something we never picture ourselves doing. I then told myself that I should stop, but didn’t know how to stop.

In 2004 I tried to help myself by going back to playing football as I used to play when I 70

was young. I stopped when I was a teenager. I got together all my friends who drank and did drugs with me and asked them to form a football team with me. When we had training session during the week they would come, but on weekends no one would show up. Most of my teammates would rather go drinking and clubbing during the weekends and not show up when we were supposed to be playing a match. So we couldn’t really continue.

My younger brother used to follow me around. He would watch us play and sometimes he would join in the play. So when I disbanded the team I created because it wasn’t working he was there that day. Since I still had a good football in my hand, I said to him, “If you have friends as old as you, please go tell them to come and play and I will supervise and coach them.” I told myself I would just do training with the boys in order to finish the ball and then I would stop. My brother was about 12 years old then.

He brought his friends, about nine of them. I trained them that day. After the training, I found myself telling them that if they have friends who wanted to play soccer they should tell them to come and join this new team. The following day was one of the most unforgettable days of my life. I found myself in the middle of about 50 boys and I only had one ball. We had no equipment, no cones, no training materials. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I managed. We improvised. I took sticks from the nearby bush and told the guys to pretend that the stick were cones. So we did our exercises around those sticks.

Sometime down the line my mother mentioned to me that her church no longer had a place to have services during the week. Without really meaning it I told her that maybe she could give them our space and let them build a church space in our yard. Apparently, my mother took it seriously. In next to no time the church people started buying building material and built a church in the space in our yard.

One day I was at the nearby shebeen (tavern) drinking. I felt a little cold and I decided to go home to get my jacket. As I got closer to my home, I heard people clapping their hands.

I realised it was the church people in our house as it was Sunday. Feeling too ashamed and not wanting them to see me as I felt my bad example was disrespecting my mother and the church people, I just went back to the shebeen without my jacket on. My friend whom I had been drinking with at the “shebeen” went looking for me at my home but we somehow missed each other. He ended up being prayed for by the church people at my home. But he was so uncomfortable and ashamed that he ran away whilst people had their eyes closed and were still praying for him. When he told me his story and I told him mine I said to him “this will be my last day of drinking’. It was 2005 and I was 24-years-old when I made that decision. My friend just laughed at me. In those early days of not drinking alcohol it was 71

challenging to just stay in the house, especially on Fridays and Saturdays. I would hear loud music and I would think of my friends partying and having fun.

Around ten o’clock one night I was craving for a drink. I told myself, “I might as well just carry on drinking because nobody believes that I’m not drinking, so I might just as well live up to their expectations.” So I went out to my friends and they poured me a glass of beer and put it in front of me. I went to play pool so I could just ignore it. One part of me wanted to drink it and the other part didn’t want to. My friend kept saying “drink it” but I never did.

Eventually my friend and I began to believe that I had really stopped drinking. I felt lonely for a while as I was not drinking in the “shebeen”. The combination of being a coach and having a family that is church oriented played a huge role in my life, especially in helping me to stop drinking alcohol.

I started to focus my energy on coaching. Community members began to acknowledge that what I was doing was good. Many people commended the fact that I started the soccer team.

I don’t have any legal NGO status, but I do this because of the drive I have within myself.

Sometimes I do get job offers, but my heart wouldn’t allow me to accept jobs if it takes me away from the team. So, ever since then I have become one of the people who is recognised by our local children. Now I try my best to live by example in whatever I do. I hope that the children of Masiphumelele can follow in my footsteps.

My future plan is not just to be a football trainer/coach, I also want to give other children who are not interested in football a chance. I want to open up other opportunities for them.

I want to open a place where we can do a variety of things like singing, dancing, and even acting would be great. All the girls and boys, young and old, would be welcome. I think that the only way to keep children in our community out of mischief is to provide them with other recreational pastitime such as sport. Not only football but all sports and other activities. Currently, at least 30% of children in Masiphumelele are occupied with sport. The rest do not have anything to do.

One of the things that worked out for me was that when I was young my life in Eastern Cape was very stable. Both my mother and my grandmother were loving people who loved to teach us. They were people with morals and values. Even though we were not the richest people my grandmother would make sure that we are not hungry. She taught us to appreciate what we have. This is a lesson I would like to teach my own children.

One of our neighbours in the Eastern Cape were very rich. We used to eat “inkobe” (hard 72

dried mealie corns boiled until soft). My grandmother taught us to appreciate that. She would say you cannot go next door and eat while your cousins and sisters are hungry. If we are eating “inkobe” every day, that is what we all should eat. My grandmother was a caring person and is largely responsible for who I am today.

Learning from Pat and her team, I have become a caring person. I thank God because I feel that I am like a pillar in the community. If people see a boy talented in football anywhere in Masiphumelele, they immediately suggest the boy should join our team. When I started this I never thought people would see me as a person who could lead the youth in a good direction. That is why I know I should open up opportunities for more children of Masiphumelele.

I am currently doing a 5th level Early Childhood Development (ECD) training course with the Institute Centre for Creative Education. I am doing this because I really want to work with young children. I hope to enable children to discover and develop their natural talents and abilities. This would be a very good initiative for me and the children.

While I was doing my level 4 at Work for Love organisation which was one of the venues for our ECD training, IHOM staff had an orientation workshop. I was representing the director of Work for Love at the meeting. After their presentation I was interested in attending a Healing of Memories workshop.

I successfully attended on of their workshops. The workshop made me strong as I listened to other people’s stories. I developed a compassion to be able to help others. The drawing part of the process in the workshop was very powerful. I never thought I could share my life story in a drawing format.

After that, I also attended Men’s Imbizo, which was also organised and facilitated by the Institute for the Healing of Memories in Masiphumelele. There was a great discussion on gender roles, cultural dynamics on gender roles, such as “men washing clothes is are viewed funny in some cultures; how can a man do that, it is a women’s duty”. If a man does that, he is labelled less of a man in some cultures. The workshop also looked at women working.

That is still not accepted in many cultures. The Men’s imbizo thought me that time moves, cultures evolve. It also made me think that this generation is in transition in terms of gender roles. It is a generation that questions and challenges the perceptions of cultures on such issues.

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As I conclude, in each and every person in the world there is latent talent. It is awful that some people die never knowing what their natural talents were. So as an aspiring teachers of ECD, I will help children discover their talents and make sure their learning is geared towards developing their natural talents. I feel this would make a much better country and society. I discovered this passion for working with children in my early twenties. I love working with children through soccer and other enjoyable recreational activities. Working with children is definitely my calling.

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Chapter 9

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My name is Clint Bowers. I was born in November of 1984, in Kensington, Cape Town. I like telling people I am a Valentine baby. The thought that I was conceived under romantic conditions appeals to me. It makes me feel that I was born out of love, even if the relationship with my parents were not always beautiful and the relationship between my parents caused me great pain.

I have an older sister and brother. When I was a baby I lived with my siblings, my parents and my grandmother. I also have a number of cousins. My relationship with some of them, particularly my female cousins, has been a source of strength for me as I was growing up and finding my stand in life.

When I was three years old we moved away from my grandmother to another township called Hanover Park. Lately, Hanover Park has been in the news because of the many deaths related to gangsterism. About a year later I moved back to my grandmother. The rest of my family stayed in Hanover Park. My grandmother was very religious so I grew up going to church often.

As a young boy I spent most of my time with my girl cousins. As most children we spent our time playing skipping rope, house to house, dress-up and such games. You would not find me playing soccer the so called “male sport” with my boy cousins. I enjoyed playing with my girl cousins, I had more in common with them and they always supported me. I cannot recall that it bothered the family that I was playing with my girl cousins.

It is curious, from an early age I had a feeling that to other people I could seem strange, but it never bothered me. I was confronted with my own sexuality as a young boy. It started early in primary school, when the boys and girls started to notice each other. I then got the idea that I was supposed to be attracted to girls. My friends would talk about how they like a particular girl or they would write them a valentine card on Valentine’s Day. I never really joined in.

I was about nine or ten when I went to one of my uncle’s wedding and there was an older man, he was probably about 22. Now when I think back I believe he was my first “crush”. There was something about this man that caught my attention, maybe it was the way he looked, may be he said something to me. I can’t remember. I often thought about him after the wedding. It didn’t feel strange. As a child I don’t think I was in any way conscious yet of what it meant to be gay. Thinking about this man was normal for me.

My primary school years was not easy. I changed primary schools a few times. I was bullied at school because I was a bit feminine. The way I gestured and the pitch of my voice made me 77

a target. Children can be vicious and cruel, some boy students called me derogatory names like “moffie”, which means “faggot”. It hurts me and I felt it wasn’t right. I would leave school crying.

When I was with my girl friends and they heard these things, I would try to be strong. I did not want my friends to judge me, I wanted them to see me as a boy and not a girl or gay.

Somehow, I found acceptance and support from the girl friends that I had in primary school. I always had friends.

I didn’t know what it meant to be gay. Nobody gave me a book to say this is what homosexuals are and how they behave. Awareness about my sexuality came to me in bits and pieces. I don’t recall a moment, when a light bulb went on and I suddenly knew I was gay. It was a mixture of how I felt, how people related to me, and how I reacted in some circumstances. I began to realise I was not ticking the ‘normal’ boxes. It make me feel isolated, alone.

In high school I fell in love with a guy. By then I have accepted that I am gay and therefore I am attracted to males. I was never attracted in that way to a woman. I fell in love with him and he was the one that really brought me out. He assisted me in discovering and acknowledging my sexuality. I started to feel better about myself with his support, despite the name calling. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone. It was hurtful to hear him being called names as well. The boys in my class would say to me “you’re not as gay as your boyfriend, why do you like him so much?”

To me he was really strong, one day he had to write a speech for the oral class and the title of his speech was “I am gay”. So he came out to the whole class. I thought it was really brave. By then I was slowly beginning to become comfortable in myself, in my heart and in my mind. When people at high school asked me if I was gay, I would say no. I just wanted to avoid being judged. I grew up with a negative connotation to the word gay.

As time went on, I became more and more comfortable within myself. My issue was not with myself but with other people. People treated me unkindly. People would tease me about things like going to the toilet. They would, say “ you’re not supposed to be using the boys’ toilet, you’re supposed to be using the girls’ toilet.” That irritated me mostly and it hurt me sometimes.

I tried to ignore it and brush it off because I thought that “these are my friends”. It became an everyday thing, so I got used to it. Anyway, it is all part and parcel of who I am. Like being short, being thin, and being dark of complexion. These are all things I also have to come to 78

terms with. During the apartheid years, I was looked down upon because of my dark skin. I had to embrace that as part of who I am.

I did a school project once and was able to trace my father’s ancestry. They came from Zanzibar and were very dark of complexion. My mother was very fair-skinned. She was coloured. She was from Worcester outside of Cape Town. I was the darkest of all my siblings.

In fact, I am darker than most people in my family. During family gatherings my cousins would tease me. They would call me black and tell me that I should go away. They would tease me about my hair, because it was coarser than theirs. I would cry because I felt excluded.

Today there are lots of conversations in the country and among the young people on what it means to be black, issues of hair, identity issues. The work that I’m doing now at the Institute for the Healing of Memories on peace building and youth development and community integration, helped me understand that all of these things are a part of me. I cannot run away from it. I always think about others, other homosexuals and what they have to go through.

In the restoring humanity project, the youth development programmes of the IHOM that I am part, of we often unpack the issue of identity in group work. Part of this programme is an activity using a puzzle of the human body. The human body is divided into puzzle pieces, each component being part of our identity. I am gay but that activity helped me to realise that that is not all that I am. There are many other important aspects that form part of me. My family, my culture, my friends and all my passions. Working with young people around issues of identity, helps me to explore and understand my own life better.

My family never ever marginalised me because of my sexuality. I was brought up in a female household, my grandmother, aunts and cousins. When I came to the conclusion I that I am gay I never thought to tell them. They never asked. I would bring my special friend home with me. I think people eventually picked it up. For me it was that I’m a man that’s who I am. I don’t need to tell anyone that I am gay. My brother didn’t need to tell my family that he was a male, and that he was straight. The fact is I am human and a male, that is who I am. Whether I’ve got feminine tendencies or not shouldn’t really matter. I was very much protected in the family. I don’t think that that contributed to me being gay.

In the community and particularly in religious circles there is this question, “are you born gay?” For me it’s just who I am. I can’t run away from it, I can’t hide it even though I did try to at some time or another. I have tried to portray myself as butch and masculine and dominant.

For a time, I went into the closet. I was lying to myself and that took up my energy. Too much energy. I decided that I just have to be honest and be myself.

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The Community Healing programme of the Institute for the Healing of Memories hosted a Men’s Imbizo which I attended. Some of the questions they asked is ones that I have wrestled with a couple of years ago. What is it to be a man? What do men actually do? Is it that you provide for your family? I can still do that if I am financially secure. For me masculinity is a component of being a man. It doesn’t mean that if I am with another man it makes me less of man. It was good to be part of a conversation where there was gay men and straight men trying to figure out what it means to be a man. It was encouraging for me that all men, irrespective of their sexual orientation, was struggling with society’s expectations. None of us can get away from it.

I am very glad to have been born in South Africa. We are more accepting of homosexuality here than in other parts of the continent of Africa. We hear horrible stories of homosexuals being mutilated and killed because they are gay. For me that is something unfathomable.

I cannot even think about what I would do in that kind of a situation. I can walk through the streets kissing another man, holding his hand and still be okay. Yes, there are still those people who are not totally okay with us. I hear stories from my two friends who cannot go into church and sit next to each other, or people will see that they are in a relationship and will judge and crucify them. I haven’t ever been hunted because I am gay, but I can understand what it is like to have to be in the closet with a partner.

My mother passed away a few years ago. Her passing had a huge impact on me. It took me back to my childhood and years growing up as a teenager. Her death made me realise that I held a grudge towards my father. I blame him for her death. I feel like he broke up our family, he tormented my mother. I am the youngest of three children and their relationship had an effect on all of us. Especially the relationship between me and my eldest brother, is very strained. I think that he knows I am gay, but we’ve never talked about it. Whenever we see each other we make small talk. I don’t know if he would ever ask me if I am gay. If he or anyone would ask me I would tell them yes, I am gay.

Because of the abusive environment I had at home with my mother and father, I chose to live with my grandmother. I don’t have any regrets about removing myself from my father’s presence. I don’t think that I am gay because my father was not in my life. I don’t believe that the absence of a father figure influenced my sexuality. There are some people who hold this opinion. I always just knew that is who I am.

I would like to have had a father figure. Maybe that is why I am attracted to mature older men.

I’m very comfortable in what and who I am and what I have become. Life is about the choices that we make and the experiences that we have gone through. I can’t make decisions for my 80

family and they can’t make decisions for me.

When I was 27 I was in a relationship with a man for two years. We had to keep our relationship a secret from his family. His family wouldn’t accept me because of the colour of my skin and because I was a man. He was a very masculine man who drove a big truck and didn’t look remotely gay. That helped me understand that there is not a stereotype of how a gay man look or act. Just because we are gay doesn’t make us all one thing or all the same. I think about other people who cannot be as open as I am, people who come from the townships whose culture dictates that they cannot be gay. People who are subjected to violence and killed because they are gay.

I went to a Healing of Memories workshop, shortly after I lost my boyfriend. He was killed in a road accident while driving his truck. In those moments I was in so much pain, I thought that my life was over. When he died, my dreams and plans of us died, the dreams and plans for the future that gave me purpose, something to look forward to, to live for. With his death I was once again searching for purpose, I thought he was my purpose. I asked many questions to God. Why would he do this? Why would he take my love away from me? Didn’t he love me?

The workshop helped me to talk about it. It helped me to get beyond the pain. It helped me to make sense of what was happening in my life.

I would love to have children. I looked after my disabled cousin. He is very dear to my heart.

I often wonder what kind of parent I would be. What kind of father would I be? I didn’t grow up with a father figure in my life. Some people try to say that because my father wasn’t around all that much is the reason I am gay, because I wasn’t brought up by a man.

At the age of 30 I wonder what my life would have been like if I had come from a loving family.

A mother and father, brother and sister living together as a loving family. How would that have affected my life? Maybe it would have been disorientating, maybe I would have had to keep my sexuality a secret, my father might not have accepted me as a gay boy.

As I said, I would love to have children. I would love to be married. I am honestly comfortable in my skin being gay. I wouldn’t deny it to anyone anymore. I would like to pick up a little weight to look more masculine, but I am really very comfortable in my body.

Being gay, is part of me. I love myself, although some people think I love myself too much and I can be vain. But that’s their issue, they need to deal with it. When I look at others who are gay and who are being marginalised or kicked out of their family, and I look at my life, I am blessed.

I am made up of many things, my sexuality, my culture, my lifestyle. Life is all about the 81

choices you make and the choices that confront you. In the homosexual community it is thought that you need to be all muscle bound to be glamorous, or a fashion designer or an interior designer. But that wasn’t for me. In my opinion this is how the universe works, it leads you where you need to be. Who knows, maybe one day I might find a man and he will take me away and we will adopt children together.

I’ve had two happy experiences in my life. The first was when I fell in love with my partner who had passed away. The second is my cousin whom I take care off. He has cerebral palsy, so he does not talk or walk, but he gives off such a good energy. He has been a huge source of healing for me. He is like an angel that God has sent for me. He is like my own child. He comes first, before anyone I would date. When I get home to him at the end of my day, his huge smile brightens my life and makes everything worthwhile.

What is a man? I still can’t answer that fully. All I know is that I am one. God sent me to earth as a gay male. I suppose it is a question that I will always ask myself. All I know is that I was sent here and that I have a purpose here on this planet. All of my experiences thus far have made me humble and remind me where I come from. I know that I am blessed!

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