SOCIETY’S CONDITIONING
Shame and rigid gender roles What leads some men to be more abusive than others? As Jess Hill explains in her book See What You Made Me Do, study after study finds that men are more prone to abusing if they’ve a) been socialized into rigid gender roles, b) believe that men are naturally superior, or c) feel their masculinity or authority has been threatened, particularly if women have not complied with their gender role expectations. Shame is a powerful motivator in why some people abuse others. As Jess Hill writes, “Shame is felt by both genders. It is biological and psychological yet the way we react to it is gendered. For women shame is a web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who they’re supposed to be. And it’s a straitjacket.” “For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one: do not be perceived as weak.” Hill explains that a shame-obsessed person hears ridicule even when none was intended. “They lose the ability to
distinguish between their inner feelings of worthlessness and everyday happenings. In their minds abuse makes sense when they’ve been somehow shamed by their partners, however ridiculous that may be. That is why they see themselves as the victim of the other’s “abuse”.” Shame boils down to the fear of being exposed as defective and unworthy of love. In our society, expectations of
masculinity and rigid gender roles hurt men as much as women. Men have been taught to disconnect from themselves and women may inadventently support this through their own socialisation, such as feeling awkward or disgusted when exposed to male vulnerability. Entrenched gender roles harm us when only the feminine is allowed to be emotional and vulnerable.
THINGS WE NEED TO NORMALISEH EA FOR LTH MEN H EA LTH M E N TA L
Niceties Men giving compliments or hugging one another without it seeming sexual.
Talking
It being ok for men to open up and talk about their problems and feelings without fear of ridicule. Being safe to be vulnerable can build bonds.
Crying
Allow men to express vulnerable emotions such as sadness without seeing it as weak. Generally anger is a more acceptable emotion for men to outwardly express, but anger is the after effect of feeling hurt or fearful.
Being feminine
Society teaches us that being masculine is strong and being feminine is weak. Normalise the feminine for men including having emotions, men earning less, or staying-at-home. Even fashion and style doesn’t need to be gender exclusive.
M E N TA L
H EA LTH Improving
mental health
Men are less likely to seek help than women, yet more likely to die by suicide, or abuse drugs and alcohol. Normalise men going to therapy, understanding their past trauma, and improving self-awareness.
M E N TA L
M E N TA L
H EA LTH
Being victims Men also experience domestic abuse/ coercive control, physical violence and sexual harassment.
U P L I F T MAGAZI NE - R EVELSTO KE
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