RFD Issue 5 Fall 1975 by RFD Magazine Gay

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Front cover Table of Contents Letters Sexual Tension Poems Recipes Poem Yellow Flicker Only Connect Letters N.W. Faggots Gathering Reader "Survey Yurt Shit Dome S pace... Building Pod Opposites Attract Poems

Who Are the Gays? Theater Reality This Is Your Life Poem/Drawing Back cover

RFD

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Olaf, Wise; (inside) Allan, Ore. (photo) Camas, Ore. (photos) W. Apple, N.Y. p.2; Ken/Don, Ore. p. 5 RFD staff; (photos) Dick, Iowa p. 7,8; Milo, Tenn. p. 11 P eter, N.Y; Bill, N.H; Arbutus, Wash; Steve, Wash; (drawings) Allan, Ore. p. 12; Steve, Cal. p. 13; (photo) Dick, Iowa; (photogram) Allan, Ore Robbin, Cal; Mawhouthiel, Wash; (photo) Allan, Ore. Bob, Va; (drawings) Steve, Cal. George, Ore; (drawing) Kim, Iowa p. 17; Jason, p. 16 Jerry , Ore; (drawing) Kim, Iowa; (photo) Allan, Ore. (photo) Ken/Don, Ore. (rounds) Camas, Ore; (photos) Ken/Don, Ore. p.22,25; Dick, Iowa, p. 22; Jim Arnold, Wash, p.23; (drawing) Steve, Cal; (song) Jason, Wash; (poem) Chuck Miles, Ore; (Jubilate) Camas, Ore. (drawing) Steve, Cal; (text) Richard, Ore; Carl, Ore; Robert, Wash. Richard, O re/Ill; (drawing) Landon, Ore. Carl, Ore; (drawing) Landon, Ore p.29; (study) Steve, Cal. p.30 Jerry , Cal. Kim, Iowa Landon, Ore. John, N. M/Pa; (print) Jason, Wash. David, Cal; Bigs, Cal; Billie, Wash; Rod, Ore; J. F. Yeager, Wash; Gavin, Wash; (photo) Ken/Don, Ore; (drawings) Bigs, Cal. p.35; Camas, Ore. p .36; (paper cut-out) Mark, W.Va. Loving Companions, N. M; (comments) RFD staff RFD staff; (mask) Jason, Wash. Lyle, Mo. Peter, N. Y/Olaf, Minn. Steve, Cal; (inside) Jackson, Cal.

RFD is published four times a year by RFD, P.O.Box 161, Grinnell, Iowa 50112 (office at 1405 Park St. , Grinnell, Iowa 50112; address all mail to the P. O .); printed by the Iowa City Women's P ress, 116 1/2 E. Benton St. , Iowa City, Iowa 52240. Second Class Postal Perm it #073010, Grinnell, Iowa. Single copies, 75Â£; subs. $3/yr; overseas, $5; libraries and institutions, $6; ad rates on request.

I would like to correspond with anyone inter ested in travelling with me in my 25-year-old and very trusty Ford V-8 firetruck to Guatemala this winter travelling via the Yucatan, Quintana Roo and Belize. A skilled photographer with some mechanical ability would be especially desirable. My main objective is to visit ruins of the Mayan civilization. Expenses would be shared but I believe could be recouped by means of a travel article.

As you acid to eacn season a new RFD my hopes and dreams of a country life are renewed. I read the pages for perhaps the third or fourth time and in so touching the lives and worlds of so many I rejoice for having found you. For so long I thought there were no people who wanted a gay country and communal life style. At most I was sure they all lived in a few communes on either coast. Gay Lib people at college knew of no movement and friends chided me for romanticized ideals of country living. That era was dead I was told. It wasn't the gay thing to do. I want to return to the land that raised me and leave the city that now holds me. But I don't want to do it alone or with only straight friends. In your pages my recurring gay lone liness recedes, concrete becomes open fields, buildings a forest, hope a reality. And I know now that even on the rolling plains of Kansas there can exist what I need and want. All of it is here, the struggle, the sharing, the rewards, the people. It wants only to be born. RFD, you are everywhere and the people are every where too. Thank you for being. You are as Braille to my still sightless hope. With love,

John Upson, Box 198, Eagle Nest, NM 87718

Greg Smoots, 1507 Huntoon, Topeka, Ka 66604

This is an invitation for any of your readers to stop by and visit us on their travels. We are two gay men who are trying to have a place where gay folks can visit or stay and help with our projects: an inn, garden, fixing up two houses and much more to come ! So if anyone wants to come by and "check us out" just call (you have to keep trying, the phones came over on the Mayflower) or write and we'll make a r rangements accordingly. Who knows you might like it so much you’ll end up living with u s ! Bob and Steve, Box 100, Unicorn Gardens Layton vi lie, CA. 95454 (707) 984-5223

3 lost letter dept: jim lavandier has moved to 1597 fulton, san francisco, ca. 97114 346-3106

. . . the mushroom article should have been printed with very clear warnings about toxic mushrooms. YOU MUST HAVE POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION IF YOU ARE TO CONSIDER EATING MUSHROOMS. You cannot tell by dropping coins in mushroom water, either— you must have accurate texts and then proceed, with caution. Certain members of the Amanita family (which was mentioned in RFD summer 75) are known by their nickname "The Destroy ing Angel". They look lovely and there is no known antidote. Some books say that there are 3 thousand varieties of mushrooms in the USA, others say 10 thousand. In the last issue I liked: "Down on the Farm ” — very much "Goats” — sensible "Letters" — perhaps the most important part of the journal, contact'. The traditional country dance article re minded me of a friend of mine who likes to go to contra dances. He was also quite comfort able with male/female position changes, not always so comfortable with the other men at the dances. Once he didn't bother to change his work clothes before going to the dance. He was fond of wearing a long skirt for his apple picking. Some of the women complimented his apparel; not one straight man would talk or even go near him. He doesn't wear dresses to the contra dance anymore, but he will swap dance positions. I live in a college town, surrounded by ru ral country. I get calls occasionally because of my producing "Gaybreak" (twice a month ra dio show in which I give RFD a plug) and other gay activist stuff I do. The callers usually say "Where do the gay people m eet?" The callers often mean "I'm lonely; where and how can I get laid?" They are all lonely and often feel that they are the only fag in the valley. It's not true, they are not the only one, but the feeling is real. The oppression and isolation in the country are intense, but everyone must learn to face and understand loneliness, no m atter where we live. Sometimes RFD w riters come off all so r ry for themselves—the only fag in the forest. I wish I knew how to say that the pain isn't unique, without offending them. We are all happy, healthy and holy beings. Be well, love and light

Demian, 127 Sunderland Rd. , Amherst, MA 01002

.. .the point of writing this is to make clear some qualities of country life which I felt with you (Elwha- -ed.) which I haven't felt since I lived "at home" (and only got to town on the weekly Saturday morning shopping trip): Quality #L The sensible use of resources: Not only the "organic garden" types of things many of us take for granted nowadays (compost, use of the outhouse, wood cookstove etc). But at one point there were 14 men at Ehvha (many working on RFD) and only one motor vehicle, the farm 's van. And that was used only for shopping in town, hauling big things, etc. Quality #2; A sense of calm and cooperation. Even when dealing with rather uptight problems like the party at which flipped-out-Bob showed up with his combative macho vibes, and those straight men. At each crisis the faggots invol ved completely ignored any affront to their egos or attacks upon their "masculinity" and respon ded in the most constructive most friendly way. And of course that same spirit was evident among the group working on RFD. Energies were directed to the problems at hand rather than to the ego tripping you'd expect at least some of when you get so many "men" together. . . . I'm envious of the sense of community you have developed in the Northwest, among people who are living in more or less isolated situations. I am not aware of any sim ilar thing here in the midwest. If it exists I'd like to be clued in. I think of RFD as a vehicle for promo ting it. So I'd appreciate hearing from any readers around here who feel the same way. Dan, 2720 E. Kalamazoo, Lansing MI 48912 The Iowa collective will be publishing the next RFD (#6). They are planning two themes: Collective Living, and Faggots & Children. DEADLINE NOVEMBER 7. RFD #7 (Spring) will be published at Butterworth Farm in Massachusetts. The theme will be Communities: how we form, how we grow or don't grow, local politics. Please submit material by FEBRUARY L „Send graphic or written m aterials for #6 and #7 to RFD Box 161 Grinnell IA 50112.

There is now forming a Gay Religious Com munity patterned after the 14th and 15th century religious communities of Europe. We are hoping to be able to farm and lead a self-supporting life. We are non-denominational and non-sectarian. For more information, please write: George A. Beadle, J r . , Box 11, Redmond, OR 97756

4 Well, I must say that I am amazed to read your ad in the latest issue of GAY LIBERATION Seeing the ad itself isn't as surprising as the mere fact that you're in Iowa. I was raised in Iowa, Des Moines to be ex act, and as well as I can remember, the clim ate just wasn't quite to my gay liking. I es caped from there at the age of 16 or so and have never l>een back because I didn't think I could lead my life there the way I wanted. That was a shame, I really liked Iowa and have fond tuggings at the heart at times from wanting to r e turn. Unfortunately, I will not be returning to Iowa for a good number of years. I jumped off down here in Oklahoma and got myself 3 life sentences in their prison, so my address will be the same for a long time to come. I would like to get your paper. If you can believe it, Oklahoma is about the worst state in the union for gays. I have been here 6 years now and am about full to the teeth with the bigo try I face every day. There are few open gays in this prison (one—me) and I lead a lonely life indeed. There is no one for me to talk to or socialize with who shares my inclinations. Oh, sex, yes, indeed there is plenty of sex. But, being gay means more than just sex to me, it is a feeling, a companionship, a brotherhood. I miss the gay wit, the humor, the sense of oneness. Coincidentally, I am also interested in the rural life. I am almost a nut on the subject! 11 One of the dreams that keep me going is of a small farm in my much-missed Iowa where I can enjoy the quietness, the serene beauty of the country, raise my own vegetables, some chickens, maybe a cow and a pig. I read any thing I can get my hands on if it pertains to farming. While most prisoners hang PLAY BOY centerfolds on their walls, I have a full spread picture of a farm compound nestled deep in a small valley surrounded by flowering fruit trees. So, I am gay, and I'm interested in the rural life, so we have much in common. If I could match my pocket with your bank account we would be in perfect harmony. But that is my biggest problem: I have no money. And, I mean I have no money whatsoever, not even one red cen t!!! My needs are simple and the state pro vides the most of them, but it means that I must do without the little things like your paper. Un less. .. I can talk you into sending me your paper free. Or, perhaps you could have some spare back issues you could send. Or, maybe you know a rich person who could pay for my sub scription ! I hate to be a shameless beggar like this,

but I am desperate. I need something gay to read in order to hold on to my sanity. I feel almost stranded in this straight climate. If you can't send me your paper, then good luck anyway. I like to see groups like yours, it's an indication of better things to come'. 111! Best of luck to you, Jack Childers, #78815 P.O. Box 514-78815, Granite, OK 73547 When I read RFD for the first time I had the feeling that therein was a lot of pure love. I gather that most of you are a lot younger than I. If there had only been a light like yours when I was growing up my head would have been screwed on a lot better. After reading the Summer issue I fear that I find the same old put down theme that I see all around me in gay life. Gays should never forget that whatever the hair length, whatever the drag, or whatever the age of the trick, WE ARE ALL GAY. A lot could be said for more tolerance. Love from your older brother (or sister if you will), Jack W. Curry, P.O. Box 802, S. San Francisco, CA 94080 I come from a small-town Western back ground, have a B.S. in biology, and look on my self as a gay, freethinking, agnostic naturalist. I live cheaply on a low income, and am into bee keeping, caving, mountaineering, Grand Can yon exploration, reading, and various other in terests. Two years ago I bought this 1-1/2 acre place with a small orchard in northwestern Colorado. This is beautiful country, if the oil-shale devel opers will let it alone, and has given me a spot to call my own, near mountains and caves, where I can keep the bees—now 18 thriving col onies—and grow some of my own food. How ever, it is a sexual and emotional desert, dom inated by a cowboy-macho mentality (the nearest sizeable town is appropriately named Rifle!). It can be lonely here for sensitive straights, let alone gays. My answer can't be to move to the city — I feel no affinity for the bar-bath scene, and am not especially attracted to the artistic/poetic/ political complex that seems to dominate urban gaydom. I'm not convinced that going back to the land is any panacea for all our distresses, but for myself, I feel most whole when involved with the real world that has nothing to do with city culture. So if there are like-minded people reading this, I'd like to hear from you. If you are passing through and would like to visit me, write in advance, and I'll send directions. Donald G Davis, Rt. 1 Box 93-A Grand Valley, Colo. 81635

5 I've spent most of my life within twenty blocks of Bloomingdale's and nature has been a philodendron on the fire escape but your spring issue of RFD is a terrific inducement for kis sing the city goodbye. I knew Arthur Evans back in the days when hailing a cab in the rain was a hassle and the thought of his bravery alone in New Sodom for a month with a possible mountain lion preying outside his tentsteps is one of the great stories. Jason Quicksilver's poem about being fucked by something he turned into a coat is wonderful. And I wish I had two bushels of radishes to concern myself with because Don-Tevel Treelove's radish recipes sound splendid. But I will plant the pansy seeds in my window box. Love, Arthur Bell

Am doing free-lance media work, working with gay men and women who want to make our own music and myths thru the electronic media: radio, T .V ., records. Currently am working on a project which involves travelling and visiting folks, mostly in the Northwest, who are working, living out side the city. I want to put together a radio program from the music, interviews collected in my wanderings. Also, if you make music, perhaps a cassette tape exchange ? Love, Steve O'Neill, Box 6891, S .F ., CA 94101 415-431-6117

. . . I like parakeets. 1 have two, Chuck and LaVern—they are gay too. The lavender beaks tipped me off. I love to dance — it's my sa l vation after a frustrating uptight week of school and work. Ah, yes, bumping the night aw ay... I pretty much make up my own steps because I figure if I'm going to be queer, I might as well go all the way and do what feels natural. Who says you have to be Catholic to have rhythm? Basically I enjoy RFD because it addresses an issue not well covered in other gay periodi cals, i.e . an exploration of new lifestyles that embody the very meaning of gay liberation/ awareness. I am excited to see this effort be cause there are so few really creative role mo dels obvious to us in the overwhelming sea of straightness and conventionality. So what I really want to see and hear about are other gay men and women: what they are doing that's new and creative to meet their needs, socially, pro fessionally, and sexually. How are they sup porting themselves, how are they surviving, how are they maintaing their strength... For example I really liked the article about Jack and Todd in Oregon because it revealed real people living real lives—not just political rhetoric hut how they live, how they meet their needs, and how they have shaped a gay lifestyle that is both creative and satisfying. Secondly, I still get off on just seeing pic tures of gay men enjoying each other's pre sence—erotic perhaps but more important, warm, tender and caring. We see so little of that and it's such a beautiful sight. Of course you can*probably tell from my tastes that I'm very visually oriented so more pictures or graphics would suit me must fine. The quality of RFD production is now very high so please take advantage of it. Just seeing other gay folk is so nice because all too often words can be so inadequate. Although I think the poetry and prose are nice I still think that we are our own te s t subjects. Each of us has an interesting story to tell, and I'd like so much to know better the other RFD readers to see what we may or may net have in common other than sex preference. We have creative potential in our mass we haven't even begun to tap. By pooling our spiritual resources we could generate new approaches to ful filling human potential that are truly creative alternatives to the ever-present and increasing ly straight lifestyle. God knows I'm trying to be innovative but I need your support and ideas— RFD can be a valuable source of insight—not pedantic or didactic but a source of warmth, celebration and love. And isn't that what gay awareness is all about? Now to live it and not just talk it. You have my love and sunshine. Doug Beckwith, Lincoln, Nebraska

Gripping and clutching. Making us unable to get on with the process of putting out this sue of RFD. What do we do? Who will risk ? One says, "Let's forget the sexuality symposium. I don't want to expose myself. ” Another says, "Please, please do. ” So he does. And some of the fear passes through the circle. After much had been said we wondered what to do with it all. "If we each write it down then we can try to make a group article. " And so we did. Then two of us sat down and created this conversation. -------As a baby, I lapped up greedily all the affection I could get. I have never gotten enough. -------One of the experiences which taught me that nakedness was not okay, was that my father and I stopped bathing together. "Stopped bathing together" is a little misleading, since we had only taken 2 or 3 baths together within my memory. Nonetheless, I was fascinated by his seemingly huge beau tiful cock, pendulous bails, and densely hairy crotch. I missed being able to look at them, since bathing was the only time for nakedness. I don't know why we stopped bathing together. Perhaps I made a pass at him. ------ 1 have a fantasy of my father cowering against the far wall, clinging to the towel bar and trying to balance on the slippery ledge of the tub. He is terrified and badly shaken. He is screaming, "Marie! MARIE'. Come get this faggot son of yours out of the bathtub'. " I am cowering under the faucet, also terrified. I feel very lonely and shivery and my head hurts where I bumped it against the faucet when the startle happened. -------When I was in bed I would pull my underwear away from my body, forming a little cave, with my cock standing up in the middle. Little men, modeled after the high school men who had berry fights in the church yax-d across the street, would stand in line all over my body waiting to get into the underwear grotto to stare at or hug or touch or otherwise adore my penis. I would admonish them not to push or shove or squabble among themselves, because there was plenty for everyone. ***** ------ At fifteen I was arrested for sex with boys and a younger female. I was sent to a state hospi tal where I met other gays and began to become aware of myself. ------ After getting out of the hospital I was blessed by the holy ghost and went away to school, a pi’elude to the ministry. I was making it with the other boys when they caught me. They called my mother. She laughed, saying, "I thought all boys did that. " *****

The bus stopped.“Is this IowaCity ------ 1 had come to work on RFD #3. I had come to be with other faggots. I felt the loneliness and despair which I had grown to know all winter long. It was cracked and crippled and shrieking for my companionship. I no longer listened. Instead I followed my strong feeling for another male. I could barely get my clothes off and leap into bed with him. Our arm s laced and met each other. Pi'essed close but gently, we enjoyed the ecstasy of our bodies. A sweet and powerful feeling over whelmed me. Laying on back I watched, felt and wondered. My right hand was folded inside ano ther hand. I did not sleep alone. ***** ------ Discovering my softness has not been so cut and dried, but follows a pattern of journeying to the pits then climbing out. I ran a course from the early gay movement rush of impending personal 1iteration (heavy promiscuity and a handful of two-month relationships). The crunch came when we discovered that this liberation business was going to require work, and understanding that straight culture wasn't going to give us free access to the bank to do it. That knowledge led to prostitution, large living collectives and welfare. I was not at a point where I could repel or walk away from all of the negativity produced by my own actions and the barrage directed at us from the heterosexist culture. I internalized it. As strength waned, I submitted to it. Yes, we have arrived at the pits.

Negative eroticism , bondage, submission, degradation were my sexual fantasies. Prince Charming even dimmed in the pits. ***** -------1 went back to work on dinner. Standing at my window, dress unzipped, masturbating and looking at mountains. Sexual fantasy about various men here. Decide against adding come to stew, rub into hand and lick. -------1 was in an encounter group because I desired to touch so much it was a real problem for me. I was indiscreet. I would touch anyone, anytime. I would em barrass people. They would never r e ciprocate. I was so ashamed of my body, I didn't want to take my clothes off. I'm still not com fortable with myself. "In relating to sex?" In relating to life. To sex, too. ***** -------It was hard to say in the group that I was attracted to Steve. Hardly a surprising thing. No body's head turned at that. But attraction, just admitting sexual attraction, is very hard for me. "What about love?" my heart cries. "What about communication?" my head warns. 'What about your baptismal vows?" moans my guilt. My guilt knows there is something impure about sexual attractions, no m atter what tiie context. It em barasses me. I turn red. My breath gets caught in my throat.

-------1 have become more able to deal with sexual attraction as I have seen myself more attractive, as in fact I have become more attractive. -------The other day I was sitting in front of the m irror with a mask on. Somehow the mask created the space so I could look at my body with some sort of detachment. I was quite surprised. I liked the way my breasts and chest looked. My self image is quite surrounded by flab. That self image hasn't kept pace with my weight loss. -------There were all sorts of changes, men responding positively to my body, to me, to sex with me, almost too much at once, causing an incredible increase in wanting sex with other men. **** -------1 was shocked to hear from George that my being attractive to him was keeping us some dis tance apart. I don't recall ever keeping my distance because of a sexual attraction. -------1 want to be attractive and to excite others sexually. Sometimes I feel attractive and some times I don’t. I get reinforcement that I'm attractive, and feel content and relaxed. -------1 wonder about how we reinforce each other's sexual hangups. The "pretty boy" usually has so much reinforcement to be aloof and to use his attractiveness to control, so that it is no longer his problem but ours. -------Many times there have been individuals who are attracted to me, merely because I wasn't taken back by their prettiness, when they expected to take me under their control. On one occasion in a bar, a group of us were talking, dancing. A man from the group approached me. He said he didn't know how to handle me, not fighting for his attention. -------Attraction is based so much on a projected image. Reaching out casts a shadow on the screen. And the touched mirage becomes a real and imperfect man. *****

A lunar sM*w d&xices upon ttue plain wall. -------1 know this household of gay men in San Francisco that I have visited for over a year and never had any sexual intimacy with anyone there. Until recently. I went to visit; we all got stoned one afternoon. I was lying on the floor when one man approached me with sexual intonations. Feeling good, I responded. But after we made love, he said he was going to sleep. I asked if I could stay and he said no. His boyfriend was coming to spend the night. I wondered why he picked that time and why he couldn't wait so that we could share more than just his come. -------1 got into trouble on two occasions in Seattle, over sex with younger men. The second time, I went to prison for a year and a half. All this adverse feedback in dealing with sexuality caused me to be uneasy with myself. Much depravity and whoring around followed my incarceration, all the while really needing the security of a prim ary relationship. I have come to a point, where I do not want sex with almost anyone any more. I have not found a way to be myself when I am with someone else. I feel either that my values, feelings, would ofÂ fend the other person or that there is no substance to me. I am bored with and repulsed by fucking, sucking, orgasmic proficient sex. -------Sexuality is overloaded and burdened with providing too much of our feeling with well being. It seems almost true, that if our sex life is unhappy, our life in unhappy. Sexuality is the center of our personal universe. Sexual unfulfillment is the description of an unhappy life. -------1 can make love to you through all parts of me, not just my genitals. And it does not have to be orgasmic to fulfill. -------If someone so beautiful loves me, I must be all right, somehow, too. If you don't want me, I am awful. Sex is the finale. ***** -------1 guess my biggest problem sexually is that I put myself in this passive role, not knowing how to respond. Remaining quiet, thus giving more room for projection and letting things get past the point of comfortableness for me. -------1 must put myself first in order to have healthy relationships with others. *****

Awoikeniry in the arms of aywhirlwiiii lover. -------We made the kind of love that people make when they-know they will be parting the next day. ** -------1 wanted to explore San Francisco so I rented a room for two weeks, spending a lot of time walking and sensitive to the sexual energy. I responded to it, almost daily. It was a kind of recipÂ rocal play, just to be able to come and go. ***** -------My experience has been that when I have had sex with someone I really didn't know, I enjoyed the sex but felt empty. I always wanted love as well as sex. -------My sexual guilt says full flowering love is the only basis for such nasties and delightfuls as sucking, fucking and plucking. ***** -------1 loved the relative freedom of San Francisco gay politics: group s e x , ___ A lover who was into incredible amounts of casual sex. Huge fight one night about not being able to fuck or be fucked. Attempts at reconciliation successful, but he manages two tricks, one that afternoon and another that evening. More pain. -------So I went to the baths for only the second time in my life. I met a man I was into. We went upstairs and had sex. Whoosh, it was so liberating, to share that with each other, to expect and demand no more. I jumped into the pool and turned around and around in the water. Later I met a man in the shower. I had talked to him on the street. JVIy sexual energy was spent, but he was into getting sucked. He wasn't my type, but it was so much fun to be free from that and to suck him and smile over his come. ***** -------Something that really bothers me is the gap between persons that I'm sexual with and those I'm not sexual with. ***** I'm learning to be able to make and give love to my friends, because I love them, not like before, when usually just the newness of someone would sexually arouse me. ***** -------1 feel uncomfortable with my physical attraction to other men, in that it excludes friends, whom I have a yuk sexual feeling for and it creates false feelings for men I'm attracted to. I find myself still desiring some men sexually, or trying to repress it because of the confusion and pain of trying to work out a relationship. *****

In a rarer, of a. river. ------- 1 have been in a couple situation for some six months now. It was all so new to me. I'd never been in a reciprocal love situation and suddenly I found someone who I not only loved, but who loved me. He came and visited our collective. We slept together and found that we could share many things . . . and found we could love. As we became a tighter and tighter couple, we slowly and quite unconsciously began to close others out. I would come home from work and we would go off by our selves. If there was work to be done, we would do it together. People began to refer to us as KimnDick. We lost our identities as people and became a pair, a matching pair. ***** -------1 learned that I need the constant love and tru st of one man; and my sharing sex with others jeopardized that love and trust and thus prevented either of us from growing. I value the security of our relationship greatly and we depend on each other for many things: understanding, support when the other is shaky, sex, affection, intellectual stimulation, and political discussion. We have not had very much close friendships with other faggots since we have been together. I think much of our dependence on so many things from each other might be less intense were we with more faggot friends. Mostly we have been monogamous. The few sexual explorations we have made with others have not been very satisfying, and threatening to all of us. ***** -------But then, with Stephen I do expect and need. Which causes problems, since I do not demand that from others. I seem to direct all my needs to him. I expect him to be sensitive to me and to give me comfort and support. ***** -------And so we moved out of monogany and one set of frustrations was ended. We are deeply lovingfriends with a lifetime commitment to each other. ***** ------ I'm interested in many different ways of expressing my sexuality. From an encounter in a bar with little or no talk, to an ongoing sexual relationship with a friend that involves an exchange of security, mutual growth and the constant effort at looking at what coupleism means. Redefining our roles and basically throwing out everything that has been drilled into us for generations. ***** -------We arrived at a resolution and a resumption of sex because I became vulnerable and this equalled out our relationship. Mark had felt, upon his return to me, that I was clearly more knowl edgeable and powerful than he was. By withdrawing from me sexually, he revealed my weakness and this made him more comfortable with his own. ***** -------1 used to feel a strong desire to sleep with attractive strangers or new friends. Now I feel that less strongly. Is that repression because of monogamy? Or middle age showing its serene visage? Or some lessons that I have learned, that beyond ego massage those encounters are not often en riching or joyful? A great deal of it is that I feel loved and worthy, by virtue of my partner's p res ence; and with that security, I can see that much of what used to seem alluring is competitive and sexist. ***** -------1 was lovers with a man for a year and a half. So much of the glue of that relationship was my attraction to him. My fascination with his body. That glue held the hinges on long after the door fell off. And when the full catastrophe did happen, I was alone, without myself. -------1 now feel that I do want a prim ary relationship that's open. And to have to deal with all that entails. Not that I’m free from jealousy and possessiveness. I do feel them strongly sometimes, but also I do not want to accept them totally and give in to them. I feel the extremeness of them is a conditioned response, that I would like to work through, or at best learn to deal with. And also the fear that the openness will become so open that I will only be a small factor in it all. ***** ------ 1 am afraid that intimate sexual relations will put emotional requirements on me I do not want to fulfill. ***** -------Rarely have 1 fantasized about monogamous relationships. My freedom is very important. Wanting an open relationship, but having trouble finding it until recently. Much more energy into long-term, non-sexual relationships that provide mutual support. I feel that politics can dictate sexual mores. Feelings are too intertwined with overlay of heterosexist society to be taken at face value. Therefore I need a structure of political analysis from which I can then analyze my own feel ings and proceed from there. ***** ------ 1 hesitate to apply political analysis to libido; not because I don't think it is relevant, I do. It is bell-clear to me that if my sexual fantasy imagery is polluted by sexist, male supremacist, homophobic and capitalist imagery (Marlboro man), my political behavior and position will reflect that pollution. 1 hesitate because the libido is so chimeral, so elusive, so unwilling to submit to analysis.

Sexuality is Coyote, that entity which is made up of opposites and contradictions. And political pro nouncements about sex miss that ambiguity, that perplexity. And politics which don't reflect the contradictions in my own life, seem pretentious and hypocritical, and of very little use to anyone.++ -------1 walk upstairs to see the attic room that Dick and 1 shai'e. To see Dick, perhaps. Dick and another male are touching each other. Love of sex is there with them. Far out — my first thought. I lay down beside them. I do not worry that I am intruding. I do not feel that I am intruding. They jerk away from each other, like two fish, sensing danger. Aware of this, I laugh loudly. Laughing at this crazy and in some ways classical situation. I expect us to speak our minds and reach some conclusion. I anj peaceful and comfortable and do not feel jealousy or m istrust. They both lay fac ing me, staring at me. "Did you come here to say goodnight?" Dick speaks in a,manly, piercingvoice. Tears fill my eyes but do not pour out. "F irst I wanted to say hello. " My reply was an unsuccessful attempt to carry on conversation. A gut pain struck me. Slowly I stood up. Only to leave quickly. I felt as though a dagger had been thrust deep into my chest. Why am I misunder stood and hurt so sharply by the one with whom I try to share all things? I sleep with my journal. . . cuddling with the squiggly lines we both love. -------Kim and David are doing a courting dance around one another. Small pangs of what? Jeal ousy? Perhaps, but not very bad. We did decide not to be an exclusive couple after all, didn't we? Certainly we'll talk about it before they leave, won't w£ ? The evening wears on, and so does my veneer. I am suddenly and totally caught up in jealousy and insecurity. They are leaving together, without a word to me I They are gone. ------ As evening set in, I felt more and more attracted to David, lie seemed to be very very mellow. kind and gentle. I thought of him as the most gentle person 1 had ever known. "Perhaps he can re late to where I am coming from ," I thought. More dope. Tequila with oranges. My craving to see what is between us is too strong to let pass. But because 1 really want to be close to him, I fear I can't. Finally we walk outside, hand in hand. The cool night air whispers to me. We sleep to gether. Lace curtains hang around the bed. We sleep in a place where the moon does not shine. -a rb u tu s, bigs, carl, dick, laygele, george, jason, kim, Iawson, neil, robert and stove

Lie Down Let me hold you in place By the back of your neck Let me move myself That your mouth will understand How we are connected How I am trying to give Lie Down Watch Me Bill Taormino

A revolution when men hold men! Stones sing The grace of joy bright flesh That smooths to pockets of comfort. This family cabled with spring steel Dissolves classic walls of a false house. Drawn seed Grace the men On cheek, In them; See among many many men Seed purely called. Bless the hand. Bless the touch. Bless the bed.

Peter Pehrson

will you ever want to know me sex blaa who needs it sucking fucking rub up and down up and down aim it at me call it love I'd rather weed the garden Arbutus

Ex-Love Poem

It returns: Your boyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s belly that of a swan. Your laughter as water. Your touch inviting Dawn for past lovers' bed. That time in a last corner Close and fast with knots.

While Phillip and I sat on the couch I could see the red of roses through the front door keyhole.

Now this day I utter

Steven Mayerson

Past be smashed Love be cast.

Yet, in truth, Your form, Half gone, Claims me.

Peter Pehrson

end of summer ;reen

pickle recipe When you feel that your tomatoes on the vine will no longer ripen — pick them green. Wash and quarter. Pack into quart jars (you do not need to use canning lids — use old mayonnaise or peanut butter or other jars). For each jar add: 3 cloves of garlic and a hot pepper (more or less of each as you likeI use 5 cloves) 1 or 2 sprigs of fresh dill 1 tablespoon of salt

sunflower potential ^

Breakfast and baby food: grind up unhulled sunflowers, add enough hot water (but not boiling) to make the meal into a mush, and you'll have one of the tastiest breakfast foods you've ever encountered. Breakfast and baby food: grind up unhulled sunflowers, add enough hot water (but not boiling) to make the meal into a mush, and you'll have one of the tastiest breakfast foods you've ever encountered. Homemade peat pots: in the fall, when you're harvesting the flower heads, cut up the thick part of the stalks into 3" sections. Whittle out the insides of these down to 1/2" of the bottom and let dry. The first recipe is a traditional American Indian recipe, and it tastes great. The second is from the Homesteader's Handbook by Richard Israel and Reny Slay. „ , , , xtv> 3 Mawhouthiel yp>

Pour boiling water into the jar to fill out and put on top. Keep for at least a month, then enjoy. I like to refrigerate after they are opened. They usually fizz a lot but it's okay. The salt cures the toma toes. Robbin

Recitations I've had it up to here with those things Those things, those things We thought would put life into our life, Into our lives, a shameless masquerade. Like the time we took a wrong turn And discovered Tyngsboro. I liked the name. I remem ber saying, "Tyngsboro! What a great name! Fucking Tyngsboro! " We began reciting great names of places. The best was New Shrewsbury, especially In the unreal voice of a railroad conductor: New Shrewsbury! Just as a comic, dying on stage, cries Brooklyn, When the nothingness came too close, one of us would say New Shrewsbury. Bob Schwartz

Contact list. Have you ever seen a fairy? I have, and I have seen more this year than ever before. And what's more, I have here, in my hand, a list, names and addresses, of hundreds of known and self-avowed fairies . How can we get in touch with each other? I got this simple idea: everyone who would like to receive a mimeo'd list of other country folk (and city-dwelling country lovers) send a 10ÂŁ stamped self-addressed envelope to: Contact c/o RFD, P.O. Box 161, Grinnell, Iowa 50112. You will automatically be included on the list. Only those who write in will be included on the mimeo list. Hopefully it will be out around the winter solstice.

yellow flickers and devouring tongues have-eaten my past: fiery mouths. traveling in europe, i was trying to rebuild my life after the painful collapse of my country home and love, i got a letter from my ex-lover, "the cabin is burned to the ground. " four goat-friends dead, the goldfish i had thawed out every morning during that hard cold spell, dead, so gently had i broken the ice in their bowl and slowly, slowly added warm water til they danced with that warmth again, now consumed by the fire that warmed their water, all the plants, granddaughters and sisÂ ters of long time companions, the beautiful dishes i had gathered from years of rummage sales, all my journals, and the cabin . . . made by one man who lived alone there for 20 years, gone, ashes, all the edges oiled and smoothed, a place you could hold onto, one in fact i had held onto too tightly. my death is scattered in pieces torn stems and leaves and hooves, the bones of my friends are charred and make spiraling magic but my life is a dis ease d stillness.

i was 7000 miles from my once home, so much that i had built was now gone, it was a hard battle out of the pits, often i wasn't sure i had the energy or even the inclination.

the grey ashes mix with hard black coals and sm ear my face with softer lines.

i have learned slowly what fire has had to teach me, how can i say this? if you w ere all here in this kitchen with me i could speak it easily, on this paper it is hard to express it . . . w ell, i know that September fire jumped out of the stove with much purpose in mind, it was one of the most sacred events of my year. i have gone back to the cabin a number of times, first to see. i approached the cabin walking in rain and tears, fearful of the bend in the road where the cabin would no longer come into view, awesome, and there it wasn't, feeling hollowness in my guts, panic and fear, quite like what i felt when my lover said he would not live with me in that cabin anymore, so i went to the holy places deeper in the forest and wailed and chanted and screamed and called on all my friends to help me. f. the fire reduced me to my own life, so much that i had created to see beyond myself was now gone, i had to start from center again, slowly i have learned to walk thru that fire.

you say to me, lightly, lightly, your life is yours lightly, lightly it will never be taken, only given. you never walk alone your death is pleasant company be come friendly, ask old death for a date to dance.

i have gone back other times too. to burn the rubble, to gather bones, to restore the land: to make a comfortable place for the fireweed to bloom. . _ • • . • • . ■

Only connect, E.M. Forster said that. Each of his books emphasizes the need for interper sonal communication. E.M. F orster was gay, but his creative powers were stifled by a soci ety unwilling to accept the fact of his gayness. A great many other gays are also stifled for the same reason. They are unwilling or are too fearful to buck the system and come out of the closet. In my experience, I've found that all friends, true friends, straight as well as gay, are supportive. Life is too short to be spent hiding in a dark closet. I'd like to share some of the experiences I've had and some of the things I'm doing to get people to connect with each other. Everything began for me just about a year ago. I was hav ing problems with my lover and began looking elsewhere for support. We'd lived together for over 9 years but were never able to be truly honest with each other. We had a severe com munications problem. So when I began meeting other people whom I felt were in a worse space than I was in, I began to really open up to people. It didn't solve the problems I was-having

1 RW GROUP?

JftooK LOA^l^

Jmpx-iiiM n fr -R e v o L U T i ° F l u

ately for me I attended a symposium on men’s liberation at Southern Oregon State College dur ing the time we were breaking it off. Out of the symposium grew 2 groups of men who met weekly for rap sessions. The group I was in was predominantly gay--which was rather strange because none of us had said we were gay; we just gravitated towards each other. The rap group I was in lasted about 2 months. There was a communications problem there too, so I struck out on my own and started liv ing as open and free as I could possibly be with everyone I met. As I kept doing it, the easier it became. Then, beautifully, a ripple effect began. More people began opening up to each other. The local tea-room is like a club now, we call it the 1-5 Club. People are learning that a physical encounter is not all there is to gay life; w e're learning that gay people can really be supportive of each other; that there are human beings with minds attached to those cocks. Out of this tea-room scene grew a project I've been involved in since April. I went to the local HELP-LINE (crisis call center) and asked what they had been doing for gay callers. The answer I got, of course, was "There is really nothing we can do, etc........ " So I volunteered my phone number and asked them to refer all gay calls to me. Since then I've had about 10 calls, which may not sound like many but for this area, which is full of closet types, it's a hell of a lot. I've been able to provide a sym pathetic ear and in some cases a sympathetic person (there are fringe benefits, too). I've become active in the local film society and have insisted that films are shown which deal sympathetically with gays. Unfortunately these films are very scarce, but we have shown some. I work for the county library system and have put RFD on the shelves in the periodicals department. I paid for the subscription my self (rather I would if I ever got a bill). This is something everyone can do--just ask the local librarian and I'm sure the librarian would welcome the suggestion. Pay for it yourself for it's vital that gay m aterials be available. This week I'm putting together a list of good, new books for purchase which will offset the Bieber-Socarides crap which is on the shelves now. I have purchased several books for my-

self to loan to people who are too timid to use those in the library. Books are extremely im portant, especially for people who feel they have no one to confide in. Unfortunately, most small libraries have outdated, essentially anti-gay books, written in the fifties and early sixties which treated homosexuality as an ill

■~TME SOAP OPEP A

ness. So get pro-gay books on those library shelves, you’ll be helping a lot of people. There are so many things rural gays can do to affect change. Everything we do makes us grow — hell, I've even become a closet straight. Think about that. Life is wonderful if we only connect. -J e rry

gavin dillard (twenty nineteen poems two dollars catalyst press 315 blantyre avenue Scarborough, Ontario Canada min 2s6

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Last July I left my home to travel through Oregon and Washington. Unlike the last sum m ers of traveling to this area (once by car, twice hitching, and last summer by bicycle) I find myself, for the first time, with thoughts of living somewhere else than Sonoma County, California. I discovered RFD last winter and wrote to a few of the people with hopes of making connec tions with the country and with gay communities (the latter being something Sonoma County lacks). Calling a w riter in RFD I made my first connection and received a newsletter about the Northwest Faggots Gathering outside of Port Angeles, Washington. As soon as the or deal of having my wisdom teeth pulled was over I packed up and left. I was excited about the gathering, to say the least! Hitching has always proven to be exciting for me and this trip was no exception. There is no law against us hitchhiking on the freeways in Oregon, and because of this, there’s the freedom of getting dropped off in the country as well as the cities, and avoiding hours of waiting at on-ramps. The first place I spent time was in Eugene, a rather appealing area to me. There are re s taurant, carpentry and food co-operatives, the food co-op operating on a non-profit basis. There's a Gay coffeehouse and a fairly large group of men dealing with our sexist ways. Also a great deal of feminist consciousness and women's movement activity. At least the wo men in Sonoma County have it together; I just wish the men were more active. It's bound to happen with time. I then made my way to the fag got gathering and decided the North west has lots to offer. I was so high those few days that I was oblivious to any kind of negativity. I wanted it to be like a good dream , and so it became just that. There was so much real, positive energy that it was easy to stay high. I kept thinking about my need to live in the country with some people I could share and work with on some sort of collective ba sis. The weather, and winter ap proaching, made me anxious. During the days and nights of the gathering, we met often in one large group to plan a format of some kind. We sang and shared our thoughts. Down by the river we built a sauna. There was folk dancing and so much food ! Some of us collected m ussels. We dis

cussed coupleism, practiced yoga, went on hikes, and read our poetry, which moved me deeply. Most of all, I made new friends. All of this brings me to my need for a home with others. I've lived alone since I moved away from my family 4 years ago and am now ready to live with a group of people. I’m open to many possibilities such as a house of all gay men or one that included women and/or children. Although my energy is being directed to the Northwest, I can conceive of living in other parts of the country as well. Finding the right people is my main objective. Another possibility—I would exchange my labor for a permanent or short-term living a r rangement. Write to me if you have any ideas or offers that could possibly work for yourself and me. I'd like to travel to meet with you, if it seems we have a common goal. I'm thinking of visiting friends in Georgia and West Virginia soon. If you're somewhere along the way it would be nice to visit. My mail is forwarded to me while I'm travelling.. .Steve DiVerde PO Box 9232, Santa Rosa, CA 95405 I find being gay and living in a rural area difficult and downright impossible at times. I would like very much to hear from brothers in the same situation. Thank you. P eac e.. . . Fred Hayward, P.O. Box 331 Presque Isle, Maine 04769

1 would like to put in a plug for my home, because we are hoping to grew in size, and be cause we have something going which might in terest other gay men and women. We call our community Shannon Farm . Our land is a beautiful 490 acre farm in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, about 25 miles WSW of Charlottesville. We envision a large, diverse community. Some of our shared ideals and goals include egalitarian principles, consensus decision making, organic farming, alternative energy sources, children's rights, eliminating all sex roles, ecological consciousness, and a non-coercive attitude that recognizes the rights of individuals to their own lifestyles. Bob Schwarz, Rt. 2 Box 183, Aft on VA 22920

m o re At the moment, I am visiting various gay farms in Ontario and expect to return to my home in the interior of B.C. near the end of August. I recently attended the National Gay Rights Conference in Ottawa and while 1 am in terested in promoting gay rights, because of my living situation (one of relative isolation) I found myself somewhat alienated from most of the people involved in the conference. About 20 of us decided to have an alternate conference and quite a few of those involved were from rural areas. Due to the consciousness -raising which evolved out of the group, I have become inspired to try and initiate some sort of re p re sentative group from the Interior of B.C. As a rural gay, I feel somewhat alienated from the l'est of the community around. My aloneness no longer depends upon physical iso lation. Whereas at one time I craved physical isolation, I am now opening up to other possi bilities. . . As a gay farm er in B. C. , I find it very difficult to contact or even locate other gay farm s. It is truly frustrating as I feel very much alone out there which is one of the reasons I'm out east right now. .. Jeff McLaughlin, c/o Sherry Radick General Delivery, Malakwa, B.C.

& 4

I am from Barcelona, Catalonia, Spain, and there repression is very high. No civil rights, no freedom of sex choice, no right to choose the person who he may love exist for gays in Franco's Spain. To who differs, mental hos pital is the next step for contesting the status quo. I may write an article to enclose in your magazine but today I am very tied. All my love.

Stephen, Barcelona GLF, c/o Montcada Esteve, 3 Park Hill, London S.W. 4 9NS

Many thanks for your letter full of such low and good feelings. It's truly fine to find out there are people out there who care. Believe me, we all appreciate it. I'm not really a bat-person, just a nutzo rock 'n' roller who slid off the treadm ill a bit too far one d a y ... But every once in a while I put on a clown's white face just to let the kee pers know that I know this place is a farce. .. My mind is free, and that is the most important thing. After long debate we planted the pansy seeds in window pots and now they are pushing strongly up and towards the sunlight coming through the screens and bars. They join the Creeping Chuck and Grape Ivy in covering such ugly symbols. Around the pots are shiny rocks, seashells and pine cones — so you see, I am in the country. This place is not the 1956 prisonflick type prison, looking much like a junior college, and nestled down in a valley full of dairy farms — the cows sing me to sleep at night — I can hear dogs bark, and birds bring in the day with cheerfulness. Yeah, we'll all make it home one day, with as few battle scars as is possible. So now it's evening, the end of a long day, and I have to put another patch on my blue jeans. I just wanted to write and say we here wish you all the best, for each of you, and for RFD — few magazines have such love in them. My love, Lightning 9 P.S. The only debate about the pansys was whether we had a right to them -- but we think it's t>kay, 'cause w e're on the same side of the fence XXXXXX A*j*MoaoooeooooOcPOP«><t»»ofc<.c»u»» w» This letter is a cry for help. I live alone on a hundred-acre farm in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. I raise fancy pure-bred bantams, ducks, geese, chickens, assorted'varieties of phea sants, peafowl, rabbits, pigeons and a few goats, for milk, butter and cheese. This year the garden wasn't great due to tco much rain early, and too dry later on. Inside the house I raise parakeets, canaries and finches, also some African love birds and a pet parrot. " All I can offer someone is to share what I have and the hope of making a living on our own. I'm interested in someone coming to help me and share in the work and the pleasure involved in this kind of a living. Hope to hear from some of you nature freaks. If anyone has questions on the raising of any small animals, farm or pet stock, I'm sure I could help if they'll write me. Bob Theodore, RFD 1, Riner, VA 24149

wilderness

big city

small city

9. How many people do

7. How often do you get

big city suburb

19 .

what is the highest school

37. If so, how often?______________38. Do you always have an orgasm when you m asturbate?

35. How many people have related sexually to in the past three months?__________36. Do

tranqs

opiates

radio r TV movies

phonograph

bars

alcohol

coffee

marijuana

psychedelics 43. What hobbies or interests do you pursue ?

tobacco dancing

42. Circle those which you utilize:

46. The last book you enjoyed?

47. What kind of music do

45. What's the last book you read?

------------------- _ _ _ _ _ _ -------- -------------------------------------------------- -- -------- 44. What periodicals do you read regularly?

uppers

Lifestyle

41. How do you feel about your sex life?

sexually ?_

40. What relationships do you have with the people you relate to

39. What do you fantasize about when you m asturbate?

you m asturbate?

Sexuality

34. What do you grow ?

__31. How much do you spend for

29. Where do

24. Pay-

33. How much of your own food do you grow ?

30. Describe what that process is like.

28. How much do you spend in a month?

32. Cash or food stamps ?

you get it?_________________________ _

food each week?

23. If so, how much did it cost?_

25. Do you own it alone?________26. If no, describe.

'**2. && you own the place you live in ?____

27. If you rent, how much does it cost?________

ments ?

21. What kind of place have you lived in most of your life?

grade you completed?________20. What other tranning have you had?_____________________________________________

_______________________________

What social class do you think of yourself growing up in?_____ _________________

18. What religious upbringing did you have?

17.

Describe your feelings about the community you live in.

16.

Background

How many animals do you live with?_______ 15. Describe your relationships with the other people in your household.

14.

Women?________ 12. Children?________ 13. Other?_______

6. How far away is the "Big City"?

8. What do you go there for?

country/farm

you live with?________10. How many faggots?________ I I

there ?

small town

5. Where do you live ? (circle one)

Race________3. Sex________ 4. What words best describe your sexual identity?

We, the different collectives who have put out RFn have been curious as to who our readership is. The subscriptions show people scattered from the big cities to the boonies, many Canadians, and folks in every continental U.S. state except Wyoming. We designed the survey to include subjective add objective questions. If you do not have enough room to answer some, use another piece of paper noting the question number. Mail the completed survey, and address requests for additional surveys to: RFD, P.O. Box 161, Grinnell, Iowa 50112.

R EA D ER SURVEY!

wilderness

big city

small city

9. How many people do

7. How often do you get

big city suburb

19 .

what is the highest school

37. If so, how often?______________38. Do you always have an orgasm when you m asturbate?

35. How many people have related sexually to in the past three months?__________36. Do

tranqs

opiates

radio r TV movies

phonograph

bars

alcohol

coffee

marijuana

psychedelics 43. What hobbies or interests do you pursue ?

tobacco dancing

42. Circle those which you utilize:

46. The last book you enjoyed?

47. What kind of music do

45. What's the last book you read?

------------------- _ _ _ _ _ _ -------- -------------------------------------------------- -- -------- 44. What periodicals do you read regularly?

uppers

Lifestyle

41. How do you feel about your sex life?

sexually ?_

40. What relationships do you have with the people you relate to

39. What do you fantasize about when you m asturbate?

you m asturbate?

Sexuality

34. What do you grow ?

__31. How much do you spend for

29. Where do

24. Pay-

33. How much of your own food do you grow ?

30. Describe what that process is like.

28. How much do you spend in a month?

32. Cash or food stamps ?

you get it?_________________________ _

food each week?

23. If so, how much did it cost?_

25. Do you own it alone?________26. If no, describe.

'**2. && you own the place you live in ?____

27. If you rent, how much does it cost?________

ments ?

21. What kind of place have you lived in most of your life?

grade you completed?________20. What other tranning have you had?_____________________________________________

_______________________________

What social class do you think of yourself growing up in?_____ _________________

18. What religious upbringing did you have?

17.

Describe your feelings about the community you live in.

16.

Background

How many animals do you live with?_______ 15. Describe your relationships with the other people in your household.

14.

Women?________ 12. Children?________ 13. Other?_______

6. How far away is the "Big City"?

8. What do you go there for?

country/farm

you live with?________10. How many faggots?________ I I

there ?

small town

5. Where do you live ? (circle one)

Race________3. Sex________ 4. What words best describe your sexual identity?

R EA D ER SURVEY!

57. What other

58. What did you eat yesterday?

56. Do you eat m eat?_____

iRMUAK?

recipes how-to nhotos

70. Would you like to see:

7 J. What subjects would you like to see covered in future

RFD Feedback

"spirituality" ?_______________

you celebrate?_______________

less

69. What is your sense of the concept

same

68. What are the traditional holidays

66. What do you do on the full moon?___________________________________ 67. What are

witch cults of Europe ?

the special days you celebrate ?_

64. Do yoga?________65. Do you find a meaningful connection between your faggotry and the

______ 61. Do you read T arot?________ 62. Do you believe in Astrology?_________

63. Do you meditate ?

Spirituality

_ 52. Do you use deodorants ?

49. What time do you get

54. Do you wear d resses? ______ 55. What did you wear yesterday ?

51. How often do you bathe ?

48. Do you vote ?_

59. Do you identify with any church or religious movement?__________60. Which?

53. Do you wear underpants?

50. Go to bed?

foods don't you eat?

up?_____

you like ?_

continued

resubscribe yourself!

let your lesbian friends know what we faggots are doing

help ease a city slicker friend out into the country

help your closety second cousin come out

give one to Mom and Dad for Christmas

is still having money problems. Were it not for one big donation, we would be seriously in debt. The one simple way to solve our money problems is to substantially increase our subscriptions. If every reader could send in two subscriptions, we'd be on steady ground.

RFD

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JA S O N Q U IC K S IL V E R .

THOUGHTS WHILE SITTING ON THE OPEN THRONE AT ELWHA JULY 21,1975 walking dewey, fresh cut hay morning sun kisses me flowers neighbors momentarily walk path between early morning coffee needed stove and water ice cold early sun slowly dries dew covered fields forgets the toilet seat breezes caress ass toilet seat hugs it ecstasy of days first shit rooster crows tells dawn hello wild birds sing chorus

C. Miles

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plans ($3.50 from Wm. S. Coperthwaite, Bucks Harbor, Maine 04618), and, just as soon as I had seen them, decided to build a yurt. I had spent the winter in Illinois. When I returned to Oregon in the summer, I was ac companied by a friend who had some construc tion experience. But the prospect of building, in a strange place among strangers, was still intimidating. And several experiences in the first few weeks didn't help. The manager at the trailer court down the road from my pro perty had eyed Sam and me suspiciously; like a lot of people in the area, she was wary of a "hippie" influx. Fortunately, we had written ahead to rent a cottage. And making the rounds of lumberyards and building supplies places to buy the tools and m aterials listed on the yurt plans—well, it wasn't much fun for someone who didn't know one tool from another. My first experiences in building were also disconcerting. The yurt plans had indicated that a Skilsaw would be useful, but to me it looked like something that could cut off a finger. There were problems in putting the yurt to gether, too. For instance, the floor frame was made from several identical wedge-shaped sec tions that were to fit together to make a circle. But they wouldn’t. We had made some sup porting cross-m em bers too long, and putting the wedges together was like trying to fit two people onto a narrow bus seat.

It dawned on me only slowly that I was be ginning to enjoy the work of building. I was in the country, with nobody looking over my shoul der telling me what to do. I was discovering my body after years of sitting at desks and standing before classroom s. And week by week the yurt was taking shape. Once the floor plat form was put together, I began to spend my nights on it. It was followed in short order by walls which leaned out like the sides of a tub. Then the roof went on, sloping up from the walls to an open circle in the center for a sky light. Although the yurt looked small from the outside—I was taller than its w alls--inside it had a spacious feeling. And the windows all around and the skylight above left me in touch with the trees and the sky beyond. The summer passed quickly. But my yurtgiven energy lingered on into the fall, well after I had returned to my teaching job in Illi nois. And building the yurt gave me the cour age to try to build a place from scratch. I often feel the way the manager of the trailer court did when she first set eyes on me, as she later told me: "My land, Veneta, what have you let yourself in for now?" Nearly everything I try produces unexpected problems. But, sooner or later, every problem eventually has a solution. Last night, Me Ida, Richard and I finished the loft in a hexagonal shed. And if we can do it, you can, too.

SHIT Whaddaya do with the shit? Among the prob lems that arose in building a new house, that one most interested and perplexed me. Mostly because those competent smug straight people who write all there is to know about building don't have much to say about it, and what they do say is so constricted, so tied up with a straight view of the world. Aha', said I, this is one problem that us faggots might be better equipped to solve than anybody else. And once I started thinking that way, all sorts of things revealed themselves. Years ago when I lived in San Francisco, an intercommunal magazine/newsletter called Cauliflower ran a series of articles on "AssHole Consciousness." Those articles helped me understand what I already knew sexually, that my asshole was my friend to become better acquainted with; a source of enjoyment and a part of my body which told me a great deal. Since then I shrink when people use "asshole" and "shit" as epithets; and conversely, the one epithet which doesn't seem sexist or sex-nega tive is "tight-ass". There is an extraordinary power in words -- if "asshole" is continually used to mean an ignorant, dumb or reactionary person, then l believe we will not let go of our ignorance of our assholes, our aversion to speaking about them (dumbness), or our reac tionary association with them. When I have said this to friends who use the term , they of ten say, "it's just a word, don't be so touchy. " Women, however, often stop using it when they think about their (near-analogous) discomfort with using "cunt" as a put-down. The negative associations witn "shit" are greater than just its position as #1 "curse" word in our culture's language. Right from the beginning, toilet training introduces the idea of shit being an alien substance, to be in corporated into one brief unconscious spasm and flushed away quickly. In contrast, I've heard anecdotes about China, where a museum custodian good-naturedly wipes up after a tod dler shits on the floor. Parents quickly pass on their polite euphe misms for the place to shit: the bathroom, the

water closet, the outhouse, the toilet----evade at all cost. With all the tensions implicit in this, it is no wonder that constipation, hem orrhoids, colonic cancer and inflamed pros tates loom big in the medical industry ; and all the while we get silent flushers so we won't be heard, scented colored toilet paper and colored toilet water to further remind us to forget what is happening. If there is nothing else revolutionary about male homosexuality, at the least it leads us out of this m orass of tension about our assholes. Indeed, it is remarkable that anal intercourse and rimming ever become acts of love. But it is through those acts of love that I am in touch with the muscles and organs around my a ss hole. This now seems quite central to my con sciousness as a faggot: enjoying that part of my body, not feeling so alienated or disgusted by the shit which passes through it; and having those sphincters relaxed so that I'm open to radically different solutions to our problem. And now, after years of living in the coun try and using an outhouse or shitting under a fruit tree or peeing in a gallon plastic milk jug, away from the restrictions of the city and sani tation authorities, I feel better equipped to think through the problem. Well, what do you do with the shit? And for that m atter, pee? The health authorities, the corporations, straight consciousness. . .all would have us believe that the problem is how to get rid of it as quickly and unconsciously as possible. The quintessential American symbol, 1 propose, is the flush toilet: in the name of civilization, to disrupt the return of nutrients to the soil, to waste enormous quantities at great expense in doing so, and as part of the package deal, alienate ourselves from our bod ies as well. What genius'. And what contrast to the Chinese, who often have a shitter in the front yard, with a sign saying, "Please, do us the favor of shitting h e re ." Our neighbors, who recently bought a new mobile home (for twice the cost of the custombuilt house we built), and in order to accom modate the new toilet in the trailer went to the

29 considerable ($2, 000) expense of putting in a septic tank and drainage field; and now, they flush down 20 gallons of water numerous times a day—water, which in summertime is desparately scarce, and which in winter is so present that the drainage system needs to be hundreds of feet long in order not to saturate the front lawn with "effluent" or pollute the well. A lawabiding, expensive, straight, and most of all, an unconscious solution. Knowing what we don't want, what do we want? On the positive side, to find some way to return the nutrients to the soil is a prime con sideration. This is particularly true where we are growing food, for it will return to that very soil much of what was taken out, and we can begin to live not as a parasite on the earth but as a part of the whole. And since living as an up-front faggot in this culture seems almost to guarantee a shortage of money, the shit not on ly is more organic, but makes a lot more sense than making Dow Chemical richer at our ex pense. Various ideas exist about making methane from decomposing waste m atter, including shit. This sounds appealing in a theoretical way, p ar ticularly when our natural gas prices in Oregon are going up 40% this month, but so far the technology of it seems to be reserved for the Mr. Clevers. Maybe next year. Another thing I look for in a shitter is that the shit not disappear from view instantly. Those who are horrified that all that smelly stuff actually comes out of them may like a gush

of water swooshing it away in no time, but on occasion I want to be able to look at my shit. It is one of the indicators of how the gastro-in testinal tract is working, and even if you are not skilled in shit analysis, you can see obvi ous things. Like the sesame seeds that pass right through because they weren't ground up or chewed sufficiently. Or that there is a lot of undigested food (am I gulping my food down, eating too much?) And if there are any rectal ailm ents—venereal disease, hemorrhoid abrasions--or even problems further up the tract, like colonic or stomach ulcers—you can often see warnings. And another valuable trait in a shit-dispo sal system is to avoid spreading communicable diseases. Sure, the Health Department is up tight, but any commune or family that has had any diseases which spread through shit knows that it's an important consideration. There are over a half-dozen possible solu tions to the shit problem; how do they rate in these term s? And are they practical—legally and financially? The country outhouse is what we've been using for years at our place; and while it's easy once the hole is dug, it has some serious liabilities: you don't get the benefit as fertili zer (although when you finally move the shitter and plant a cherry tree there, watch out'.). And, incidentally, you can't get a chance to ex amine your shit when you want to. But it's cheap, and in most rural places is legal. The World Health Organization has done a

30 great deal of research on composting "human waste", prim arily for underdeveloped coun tries. The emphasis is on safety and on recy cling the nutrients for agriculture. They divide systems up into aerobic (where there is a free flow of air around or through the compost pile) and anaerobic (air tight). The advantages of aerobic composting is that it is quick (a few weeks to a few months) and the heat which r e sults is enough to kill the various cysts and bacteria which carry communicable diseases. The anaerobic system is slower, since it is a cool rather than hot system (6 months in order to assure that it is safe). There are plans available to build a compost shitter—indoor or out—at little expense. Legally, it is a "grey" area, e.g . probably you need to hide it from the health inspector, and have an outhouse as a "front" if you are hassled by the authorities. In some places codes are being rewritten to include compost toilets experimentally. This is where capitalism comes into the picture. After all, it wouldn't be American for somebody not to be making a buck. Add to that a general uptightness about handling and moving shit, and we find that the only compost shifters which even begin to satisfy health codes cost lots of money. Clivus is a product developed in Sweden; it is clean, safe and produces usable compost without any hassles. It cost a couple thousand dollars—if we were rich we'd run right out and get one. The high cost is a function of Swedish capitalism, shipping, and resistance by Amer ican authorities, and presumably the people who profit from our flush toilet system. (It is interesting to note that in Scandinavia, they are being used in urban areas as well, as an a lter native to sewers and sewage treatm ent.) Sears and Montgomery Ward peddle an in cinerator toilet (c. $500) which burns up toilet m atter with a minimum of fuss. It uses gas and electric, or just electric alone. We decided to buy one, and are not happy with it. (Its owner threatens to put it in the rock garden with ferns growing out of i t . ) It sm ells some as it burns; uses a lot of fuel; and has broken down a number of times. And the ashes are only marginally worthwhile as fertilizer. So much for the market solutions. In a fit of frustration, I got out all the books in the li brary and concluded that there was absolutely nothing unsafe about digging a shovelful of dirt up next to the young fruit trees and shitting there. Safe, free, visible, useful. A bit in convenient, but in conjunction with a compost shitter for garden compost (where communic able diseases are a problem, since undecom posed shit will lie in contact with the food

31 ch«t is eaten--the lesson: don’t shit in your garden, compost it). A sim ilar solution is to have a moveable outhouse, and dig a shal low' pit; shit there for a while, cover it over, and move on, plan ting a (fruit) tree on the old site. An adequate substitute for an outhouse as a relatively perman ent shitter is to build a concrete or wood compost shitter, with two compartments. Use one for six months, adding other organic ma terial (straw, g rass, wood ashes)

Jerry Brown, an RFD reader from Novato, California, knows a lot about building domes. Jerry has produced a 55-minute documentary called DOME FILM, which you can rent (or bor row) from him. Information describing the domes Jerry filmed and helped build and film may be obtained from him, also. It has some valuable technical information and some en couragement to prospective dome builders. 1682 Indian Valley Rd. , Novato, CA 94947 (415) 897-1567

as you go. Then seal it up and use the other compartment for six months. At the end of the year empty the first into the garden, and begin again. Concrete has the advantage of not letting the nutrients leach out the bottom, especially if there is much rain. Any readers who have devised systems of shit use, or have read good articles or plans about shit and shitters might want to send them to RFD for future articles.

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I remember when spring came, and it was time to make my move to the woods. I was so excited that even the steep climb up the moun tain with my building m aterials to the site didn't dampen my spirits, but sliding through the mud did make me wonder at the time to be able to accomplish such a feat. Each time I reached the top with another load gave me a sense of ac complishment and the determination to succeed. After going through several designs I finally decided to build a pod design from the dome book, because of its fantasy-like nature and the atmosphere of being in hobbit-land. It also had the advantage of being .light weight and could be pre-cut during the rainy time of the spring. Since I could carry only small amounts of ma terial to the site it took a long period of time to get it all up there. At my amazement it all seemed to get up there regardless of the physi cal strain. After my initial freak-out over the enormity of the task I realized that there was plenty of time and I could enjoy the summer and relax. When I started the building I had an idea of how it would look but watching it develop in stages was really exciting. Each stage took me that much closer to the finished product. I could hardly wait to get an area done and stand back at a distance and look at it from all direc tions. Then I would feel good inside and the struggles and hardships would melt away and a sense of joy would overwhelm me. It takes a lot of these moments to get a house done but each one gets stronger and stronger.

After the top part of the pod was finished, I started digging the space below to make another room since I had plenty of the summer months left. That wasn't a big job since the buildingabove was six feet high in the front and three in the back. All I had to do was dig till it was six feet everywhere. After I had dug the bottom room out I located some rocks and started m or taring rocks along the dirt to make a wall and the rest of the wall was done in cedar lx6's with lots of windows. After the downstairs was almost completed, I decided to make it into a kitchen and eating area, and I found a wood cook stove in a friend’s field. I bribed three friends into helping me carry it up thfe mountain. The wood stove was the most exciting part of the whole adventure. Although it was in very de crepit shape and needed repair, it still had plenty of use left. In spite of the fact it took a lot of time and ingenuity to get the stove in wor king order, it was well worth it after having to cook all summer on an open fire. 'Building a house included a lot of bent nails, several blood blisters on fingers, a few cuts here and there, many discouraging moments and times when I wanted to walk away from it all. Although there were plenty of hardships and des perate moments while building my own home, I have gained such a deep sense of independence and awareness of my own strength and ability to forge for myself. This experience has been the highest point of my life. Landon

o A p T Opposites attract, so they say. This seems to be true of hetero sexual people and has constantly renewed humanity by the produc tion of children of mixed blood who are especially apt not to get hung up on the racial or cultural assumptions of either parent but to strike out on their own. But the world is renewed not only by chil dren but by new ideas and dreams. We don’t know' to what extent ho mosexuality has inspired the ideas and works of the past but we can all make guesses and now it seems to me that a whole vivid stream of new ideas and writing and ways of life is being spun off by our new Gay consciousness. One of the joys of being Gay is that one can overleap b arriers of race and age and culture and by the inspiration of the unexpected encounter become a poet, an a rtist, a thinker, a doer, a person who feels really alive. To another fuzzy-haired mad-genius Englist Jew I am just another fuzzy-haired madgenius English Jew. To Charlie, slow and blond, brooding, uncertain and passionate, away from his Virginia small town home for the first time, I was a showstopper, like something that could only exist on the cover of a rock album or a paperback on Eastern religion. He was a showstopper for me, too. He had this Ameri can thing of traveling enduring hardships always in search of himself and yet always carrying the country hometown with him. One minute he was yelling revolution; the next talking fondly of his grandmother. He had no separate compart ments for people but with small education and limited background and experience was always working towards compassion and understanding for everybody. This was several years back and people used to quail when they saw the mad eyed radical poet and the fierce young hippy but

John Upson, RF #2 , Pottstown PA 15232

T R A

in minutes Charlie would have them smiling. Cops used to call him Sunshine, and mean it. To # ^ him (maybe) my pronouncements and visions sounded oracular and crazy. To me his way of talking M in homespun cliches, which he ft always turned on their head, was a whole new language that stopped me in my tracks constantly like there's this slow sad funny kid and the Buddha is right there. He was skinny, frail and awkward and no human being lias ever filled me with such a sense of beauty. As for the catch in his Virginia voice, maybe to another Virginian that's just the way people talk, maybe to a New Yorker it would be charming or perhaps uncouth, but to a Cockney Jew .. .thank God I'm a Cockney Jew. A person who talks like me and who was brought up su r rounded by people who talk like me was made to have his bowels turn to water by the catch in a boy's Virginia voice. If we had teen of opposite sex maybe one of us would have had a fine interracial baby; in stead we filled each other with ideas and dreams. We were so absorbed we hardly noticed we were lovers. We felt the need to wander on our sep arate ways eventually, but whenever we do catch up with one another, the talk all starts again and I never do remember what we say. So many Gays are working and existing now to change the world and I think for many, as for me, creativity took off like a rocket when the alienation between men and different types of men dissolved and burned into the wonder. I get cocky sometimes and think that when we are all dead and those who are children now are dead our Gay revolution and its ideas will live and I know that for me it all began when I over came my fuzzy lifetime English Jewish fears and reached across to a sweaty Virginia hippy's sleeping bag and whispered the words and he said yes.

35 Alan and John Alan and John Have morning coffee together, Sharing the same grounds. They study their clouds, Sharing the sky, together. They shop and walk, Hands in pockets, Arms almost touching.

the menstruating moon the moon comes up full over the hills blood red

They drink and smoke, They laugh and joke, They sometimes worry together. Their phones have stopped ringing. Their mailboxes empty, They write notes to each other, together. They share the same air, Almost joined at the lung They heave the heavy sigh Before trodding alone To separate house . . . Almost wondering, "Why?"

to remind us of our grandmothers mothers from which flows their creativity and power billie menutt

J. F. Yeager

Coming here — Not knowing where from. Looking in the places I've been . Doing what there is to be done. But never feeling like any of it's mine. Just passing through - - biding time.

RETURN TO THE COUNTRY All days, all seasons; all the years are mine, And I can fill them now With earth 's rich varied music From fugue to tarentella And, using my once-fretted ears and eyes, Drink slowly, lovingly And learn, and so grow wise.

Rod Barker

And coming here — Not knowing where to go, Lets me feel, What is real. No more holding onto, those cups half spilled. Trying to keep the re st — It is all gone now. They are dry. And all I see For me. Is to change and grow As I cry, To you, my brothers. Bigs

when first I watched your fingers watch the apples pass and my world for an hour revolved around one tree I stopped, as if you'd climb and climb forever, for vision was at last excelled by things left here to see and without a word, I tried some conversation no glance gave pause to that exchange my darkness met no more than this, one eyes reflected gleam you offer me the dumb w orld's disputation so half asleep, each rock and tree seeks out its fault-line in my soul and fights for meaning where I'd meant to re st and in my re st just be long past waiting for ripeness or the one hands touch there are the final Cortlands (grandfathers) hung on the final tree see the apples (wrung from dust to be red one y ea r's reflections sunned and of their softness bled great eyes, like God's, now unreflecting held up to the face of every wind david pini

david pini

outside pollens throb against the window glass i have shut this to their fury inside my disease rumbles i cannot breathe the collie dog whimpers and i stare and spit into the fire it is fall gavin

fall turns wind has misplaced the leaves and trees hang spidery like winter blood is strewn feelinglessly along the horizon by the roadside and there is red among the stripped tree limbs where they nail against the waking clouds stepping outside the wind lays me open as a gull would a clam the yard makes me quiet and the road holds no cars often, i admit i would rather feel sad then to stand being cold feeling nothing at all but today so splendidly sad (fall changes) i feel nothing cathy w rites from three-thousand miles away: other day i saw some bakery chocolate-chip cookies and bought two â&#x20AC;&#x201D; one for you and one for me. since you w eren't available i ate yours too. i suppose the wind is not yet strong enough to blow me away

gavin

Everyone know s what a homo sexual is--a human being whose yearning in sex and in mating-love is (irreversibly) for an other of the same instead of the opposite sex. For a true homosexual, one not dam aged by life, the instincts of love and sex are of very high intensity, powerful, and aglow with great value as toward one of the same sex, while toward others, heterosexuals and Gays of the opposite sex, Gay potential for friendships of the finest and purest kind are Very deep. By now we know' scientifically that the human race everywhere produces homosexuals, in a small percent age of both sexes, and has done so for ages, quite independent ly of the culture or other variables of the people concerned. Homosexuality is carried in the genes of humanity as a species, perhaps as a recessive allele. We must therefore ask: how did this trait become genetically established, what is or was it good for?

(he gays- who are we? where do we come from? what are we for?

rWe shall offer our answer to this question at once, then give an explan ation of the answer: Homosexuality is the source of an important means Fto offset certain cultural-genetic forces in the human race that lead [toward extinction. These forces are the intra-species forces of selec tion that derive from the mating preferences of dominant heterosexual [men and women, sexual selection. If undeflected, these forces lead to [universal prevalence of the aggressive, dominating, and brutal male on the [one hand and to his counterpart, the submissive but greedy and deceptive female, on the other. Homosexuality is a genetic means of high importance in preventing this disaster to the race, as we shall here endeavor to show, Iby acting to preserve variety and diversity in the range of traits inherited by leach generation of children and by acting, as well, to preserve and enhance a sim ilar diversity of values and relationships in the rituals of the culture, the ways and customs of society. I To produce such an effect, homosexuality must somehow produce a force in I aid of human beings having quite different qualities than those favored and most rewarded by our society, the dominant, aggressive, and manipulative men and women, in the competitive race for survival. This force must act to favor reproduction by the less specialized non-aggressive hetero sexual men and women and it also must assist the children of these to prevail against the pressures of society that act so heavily toward survi val of the aggressive and toward suppression of all others. How homosexuality as a genetic trait in the human race produces such a force we will explain. But first we wish to point out how this force evidences itself in human life, prehistorically, historically, and in present times. Shaman, seer, berdache, among tribal peoples, homosexuals have typically been spiritual guides and mentors. In classic times oracle voices, surrogates and servants of the Great Mother. In mediaeval times, fool, Mattachine, advisor. Among the great in science, art, and letters, the homosex uals are of major significance, their contributions being typically of radically innovative character, making break-through advances in human consciousness. In whatever fields they work, Gays are usually inde pendently inventive, many-sided, and resource ful as mediators. Teachers, exemplars, compassionate listeners, Gays are typic ally found at the center of movements as well as confidants and allies of significant public figures, to day and yesterday. The qualities of mind and

spirit r e quired for all this, loving detachment, high con-" sciousness, unfaltering release of energy in service of creative pur poses and ideals, being spiritual qualities? are not to be explained scientifically. But their base and origin in the life experiences of Gays may very plainly be seen, the singular conse quence of that anomaly of nature with which all Gays have had to struggle. For, by means of that struggle. Gays achieve these traits, powers, and strengths. How Gavs Are Made To be homosexually oriented is to find oneself absolutely at odds with the culture, with the relentlessly and blindly heterosexual home, school, and society, at the deeply primal levels of sex and sexual love. For many if net most of us the dismaying sense of being other dawns long before puberty and we learn quite early what we must do to protect our very survival. The culture has no rituals for our safe passage through the first encounters with the urges and longings of early adolescence, no tradition for us, only a bitter negation and a threat. In those first years, then, in agony, against the unyielding force of nature we renounce the sweet sense of belonging, and we realize that our course can be set only by ourselves. Cherishing our secret dream, we sadly do what •we must to satisfy the forms, despairing. For some, life ends here—permanently in the closet, depersonalized. Or there is a frenzied flight into unreality—hedonism, archetypes of defiance, not ra re ly —suicide. But nature provides certain of her changelings with qual ities needed for spiritual survival and these, the Gay, refusing to be denied human value, find their way back to membership in the great human family. But this time not in term s of kinship—ties but now at deeper, spiritual levels which define the eternal aspirations of humankind. Lost—then regained at higher levels, human traditions are doubly precious to Gays, who are there fore both objectively critical and lovingly creative of them, universalist and global in point of view. The struggle to wholeness, to reach a level where Gay love is embraced at its true human value, means the attainment of a high level of consciousness. This is clearly evident in the works of the great among the Gay, as we have said, but the lives of the less famous are no less characterized by an added dimension of vision, a reach of freedom which we have gained in wrestling free from the ties and claims of society which blocked us from the light of our own Gay truth. We p re In a world that worships power, Gays, whose desire is toward those sent here, with whom they are expected to compete, want only to rejoice in splen for friends did human strength and therefore do despise all forms of domination who have and aggression, placing highest value on non-possessive love. The asked for it, force of their work in the world is therefore counter to the predomi a condensed nant tendencies and, since Gays are attracted to the young and make version of our excellent teachers in all fields, their influence is steady and pow larger essay on erful. Without it, gentle boys and hearty girls would be hard Gay consciousness put to grow up, for the world is idiotically intent on eliminat and on the reasons ing such. Gays as guides and mentors select and fjfvor why Gays are born. grace and compassion in males and encourage and recog nize self-fulfilling independence in females, giving aid THE CIRCLE OF and support to people with these qualities, to gain LOVING COMPANIONS space for them as against the roughly competitive June 1975 and selfish majority. In these ways the Gay act to keep the dedicated to Margaret N. Hay values in the culture diverse and human (1886-1975), President of the Matta society more loving. Also, since chine Foundation. Henry Hay Gays naturally choose their friends for these quali(please turn page)

(he gays- who are we? where do we come from? what are we for?

friends for these qualities, young men and wo ancient than any churchly religion can claim. men who are child bearers receive from their Though not without effect on the forces govern Gay friends love and support which helps to a s ing reproduction, as shown above, even to the sure that those born to each generation include length of assuring our own continuity of birth, more than just the usual types. Even if the ef our meaning is prim arily in service of the hu fect of Gay selection on man mind in its spiral Harry and John visited our home, and hang genetics were only growth in conscious ing over the household for some days was their slight it would suffice ness, to the emergence gentle wisdom, elaborated in their pamphlet. to assure the continu in the cosmic universe, As I reread it, the wording seems wonderfully ance of homosexuality here, of spirit. Our archaic to me — a language which I would like in the human race, by children are all chil to reclaim for myself: "to speak forth well and the Principle of Com dren, our alliance is to fully"; "compassionate listeners", "loving de petitive Exclusion of all men and women of tachment", "cherishing our secret dream ", biolog>'; but as gays loving spirit, intelli "an added dimension of vision", "splendid hu know, the support Gays gence, and creative vi man strength", "the light of our own gay truth", are able to bring to sion. The life force in "gentle boys and hearty girls". their chosen friends, us, divorced from re I yearn for such words. I am embarassed out of their large fund production, runs strong to use them — who talks of vision, light, splen of free energy and their and free in mind and dor, strength? It certainly would not do, not wide dimension of un heart. We are natural on Castro Street nor in the pages of Fag Rag. derstanding, is far beings, of the Mother, But to see that language reflected in Harry's from slight. Hence, and we serve her ends sharp eyes, rolling out of John's cherubic both culturally and ge and purposes. For mouth, I trust I am not being seduced by some netically, non-reproduc faithfulness to Her, tive though it be, homo mad preacher or ego-bound politico. Perhaps only Gays can know that trust comes from their decades of involve sexuality proves to be how rich is our reward. in service of life be ment, which they maintain without the scars of IN SUM cynicism or the pretense of illusion. cause of the Gays it To be a true homo gives rise to, p re se r The notion of foundling, growing up a for sexual is to be born ving range in traits and eigner in family and culture, and returning to with a set of genes that types of human beings the larger whole — this notion I put on gently, puts us at odds with and assuring cultural like a new robe, wondering if it becomes me; home, school, and so diversity. afraid of vanity, but yearning for dignity, I ciety, whose cultural Admittedly, homo find myself saying, yes, it fits. ritualizations are to us sexual orientation is a Ah, but politically, is it misleading? alien. We are so other hard lot to those des Where are my hard-won ideas about separatism that we have to learn tined to it and many are confrontation, group consciousness? Are we early how to protect not members of a lost and dispersed tribe, r a those whom it destroys. ther than errant offspring? Isn't it a bit spiritu our very survival. Yet those whose drive Since conformity has al, ignoring the real needs to unite politically? to achieve wholeness is few rewards for us we I reread it and decide not. The vision of strong and persistent learn and learn and the Circle of Loving Companions is a mantle to enough are forced by it learn ways of being and wear over whatever else is me, one which I to a struggle that brings doing and loving that feel will become my other attributes. Yes, them to high levels of they know not of,while brothers from New Mexico; Thank you — Carl consciousness, will and purpose. By the cruel device of homosexuality, inflicted as if by a lottery on a few of its off spring in each generation, the human race gains for itself a powerful aid to survival, the Gays. As for us, we know that Gay life is lived at peak levels of heart, mind, and body. Gay life is intense, arduous, and no stranger to joy. Who among us would consider for even a mo ment to exchange our life, with all its suffering, for anotherl No one. Though we must be other to our families, we are world-wide kin to one another and we know a heritage that is far more

at the same time we learn their world and its un conscious assumptions with the kind of clarity that is given to outsiders. Unknown to them, we cherish our singular vision of love and beau ty within our hearts and we grow to mind and awareness in the light of our own truth. But, the world that we see beyond, through our Gay window, calls us to engagement and responsibility. To find our way to the high levels of knowledge and understanding where we know we are embraced in human tradition truly and fully in our own right, we are forced to

struggle ceaselessly and with utmost alertness through an unmapped world full of traps and hazards. {Among these is an invitation to selfbetrayal particularly cruel, the "gay-ghetto” with its agony under the tinsel, dealing out death to the spirit but surfaced with glamour.) For those of us who refuse to trade our inde pendence for the comfort of acceptance in the herd, the way leads arduously and joyously on to Gay consciousness: Gay love, Gay life, Gay vision, and Gay creative self-fulfillment. At last, looking at the world around us, we give thanks to our stubbornly perverse genes. It's a Gift to be Gay! Good for us, in itself, and by our works Good for Humankind.

We who put together this issue of RFD hope that you will join us in this discussion toward a loving consciousness . The following are some comments about the above discourse: I like the part saying gays are more open to youth. . . . I think that is because gays are more open.. . . It is not how we are chosen (genetics or other wise) but that we are chosen for our special role in so ciety.. . . My initial negativity turned as I felt more moved along by their glowing good feeling about gay people---The genetic theory doesn’t appeal___ I am quite pleased with this initial attempt to understand our role starting from our creativ ity rather than starting from our oppression. Sisters and sissies circling in the moon.. . .

6 of us make simple masks with sheets of paper put on solid color robes sit in a tight circle in a room filled with stark walls or sky one turns to his right says i am a faggot puts on his mask and so it continues round the circle then one speaks in poetry or otherwise and so it continues round the circle when all is said one takes off his mask and says i am a faggot this is my brother and gives his hand to the brother on the right and so it-continues round the circle

6 of us sat and used this basic form, inspired by olaf odegaard's no play the impossible cycle koan. slowly we built on the words of the brother to our left, words transformed by the mood of a simple face mask, we moved very rapidly to an intense exploration of our sexual longings, our lonelinesses, our hopes, i felt an intensity ot statement that became universal, it was as a group tarot reading, our masks the surface level of the cards, our voices raising the dance.

This is YOUR Oh, that'll suffice for aw hile. But for some strange reason I put love into it. Other wise I couldn't have done it.

D IS l I'm not old enough to understand life, be cause I'm still dead. And because I'm dead, I have to hang around these people who like to dress up like their mothers every day and look for something to make them feel good for a night. A book I just read by Vonnegut inspires me to this sarcasm .

LLUSI Ol\l Me t O T

"You are immature. I am mature. "

C O ^ U ZtO N "Don't come back. " "You fuck good. " Don't come back. I can't communicate with you.

I feel so god-damned sorry for myself! I love it. So I got my fag magazine today after waiting for two or three weeks, wondering when that bunch of pussified perverts was going to send my magazine that I paid for! I'm a French major. You want me to speak some French? Everyone who asks me what my major is and hears the answer asks me to "say something in French. " So I say I'm gay and they say "Say some thing in gay, " which means, "Oh, I am too. Let's go have sex. " What a dumb game. Let's speak French to everyone. Let's fuck everyone. So you do that. It's like Dale Carnegie and his salesmen do, "winning friends and influen cing people," ripping them off. Dale says, "Tell people what they want to hear, then you can rip them off. " If you tell them what you want to hear, you'll get a dollarr If you fuck them, you’ll feel good. Where is the beauty of it all ? I love I love you. There now, that wasn't so bad. Since homosexuality is really making big strides during the sexual revolution; it is just starting in so many people's eyes: Sex is love. Well, I had sex, and I didn’t feel loved. And I felt shitty afterward. "Oh, God, your body felt good. You made mine feel good. Goodbye."

This town where I am now has 327 people. I grew up hei’e. Or so they say. I want to communicate, to communicate love. Swami Vivekananda says: Love is sel fishness'. because if we didn't love, then we would not hate. Or some such dribblings.

I was taught that to obtain levels of con sciousness, it's necessary to give up desire. That made me think. How can I give up my desires when I have seldom fulfilled them? So I said to myself: "Self, goddammit, you're gay, you've known it for a long time. But that's not good enough. You're going to be gay and be proud of it. Yogic consciousness can wait. You've got to exploit life before you limit yourself! GRRR! Well. All that was quite fine and idealistic.

43 I don't love everyone. I'm self-centered and I admit it. because it’s true. So I want to bring someone else into my little world so he can share it and 1 can share his little world. Because whether he admits it or not, he lives in a little world. We all live in our own little worlds. And when we let these worlds intermingle, it's beautiful. But these little worlds are mobile, so they float around until one world sees another and says, "You’re a beautiful world. Let's ex change some of our souls. And we'll float among the worlds together. " So you get two fucking worlds. But they do a lot of other things together because they are human being-type worlds and they make value judgments. They say to each other, "You are beautiful. "

ld m • ✓ ✓ S'

I'm going back to school in Springfield. Maybe I'll meet someone as possessive as I am. And I'll learn. Maybe I'll learn I'm wrong. Or maybe I'll learn otherwise. Possession of mo bile worlds is love. It's not real possession of things. y / It's possession of an T'V. invisible telegraph wire transmitting beautiful / ^ messages back and forth.

loHKUM \ CAT ION

ScR/70pKREN(A. Whoever is reading this letter be my friend and read this poem.

Loneliness is emptiness like a single drop of water on the desert sands; like the echo of a single voice inside a cavern; like a last word to someone whom you didn't want to leave; like a falling star in the depths of night; like a weary traveler on an empty road; like the ticking of a clock in the silence of night; like the orchestra's last note in an empty auditorium; like not taking time to talk to a beautiful stranger; like grasping for something, not knowing where it is; like the meeting of beautiful eyes, the silence, and the passing on; like feeling tomorrows are the only answer. Realize the answer is now.. .forever.

My letter was crazy. But I am lonely and tentatively happy. But when I wrote the poem I was lonely and sad. If you will let me share it, could you maybe put it in RFD with all those other happy-sunshiny poems and horny poems ? The world needs time. You need time . I need time. Movement in time. Keep moving yourself until you have some one else to move with.

Because we’ve gotten away from seeing the sole aspect of m aterial things as sexy nude bodies. And we see additions. A new aspect which is unlimited. It is called _ _ _ _ _ ,

febung

also, but this time it doesn't mean burning your finger or fucking someone. It means the

R tS C I LT. It's like everything has an AURA. And you can feel the thing. But you can feel the aura too. If you only recognize its existence.

Go.

Move.

Love.

Be Gay.

Live.

Take care, Lyle B. Finley Box 43, Hwy. 34 New Bloomfield, Mo. 65063 Sun in Libra Moon in Virgo

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