RFD Issue 6 Winter 1975

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RED*r

L FIRE A A

DANCERS , PRODUCTION

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dick, Jack, ken, Hesa, maya, ollie, rabbo, rick, tevel, tracy, willie, freddie, kim GRAPHICS gavin... 15 herman..19,20,21 ,22 kim.... 29,38 ,inside front cover mi chae1. 44 ollie...2,33,40,41 ,45 rick___ 4,5,6 sandy ...43 teve1 ... front and back cover inside back cover willy...8,9,17,18 PHOTOGRAPHS alien. . .34 dick___ 10,12,13,14,30,31 ,32,38 , 46,47 ,48 gavi n .. .42 kim.... 30,31 1awson ..35 CONTENTS RFD is published four times a year

by RFD, RR 1 Box 51 Solon, Iowa 52333 and is printed by the Iowa City Women's Press 116 1/2 East Benton St. Iowa City, Iowa 52240 Second Class Postage Permit # 073010 Paid at Solon, Iowa 52333 Single copies are 75$ Subscriptions $ 3 / year, $4 first class, $5 overseas $6 libraries and 1nst. ad rates on request 20% discount to bookstores and such Back issues #3 - #5 available on request.

2 letters........ country faggots............. everywhere 4 a look at the collective kitchen....... rick......iowa 7 alternative to alienation......... bill........Ontario 8 commune odessey.................. willy........missouri' 10 more letters..... country faggots.......... everywhere 12 kids are those little people...... ollie.........iowa 15 if what i write is too mushy..... felix......new york 16 mellow jam for dick............ evan......... Oklahoma 17 1vy blues............... willy............... missouri 19 pongley and ollio.............. heiman........... iowa 23 fairies forever....... sugar plum fairies........ iowa 27 rfd reader survey..............kim............... iowa 28 fairy fables............ kim................. ...iowa 33 faggots and children........... mark....west Virginia 34 the cooks and the bouchards.... a 11en. ..massechusetts 37 and more letters...... country faggots.....everywhere iowa 39 rfd exchanges...............jack ollie................... iowa 40 poetry, greg...............w1 scons 1n .... sandy............... ok 1ahoma .... jan............. Pennsylvania .... 1awrence.......... Washington .... gavin............. washl ngton .... bob.................... mal ne 42 sometimes 1 sits and thinks....... dan.......... malne 45 some experiences with ch1ldren....maya...... new york 47 rabbo 'n me.................. dick................ 1owa

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Tii i s nagazine gives »-a a feeling of kinship with o t iic *s who feel like I do I would lile to dear fron people l i v ­ ing in the southeast or are already acre that ..ant to be closer to nature in a lore personal way than they are now .

Frank Hartman - S.C. c/o a .F .0 .

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cear friends -i 1 not sure i rant to get in touch i to anybody , but ay to someone wants to c.et in touen with m o . tnur. again, i 1 not sure anyone wants tc get in touch with .an, but i i o* i ant to get in touch with ti.er. a-., .ay, it occurs to r.;o that the c ij ..ill p r o - a o 1y wind up with ttiis list, too, so i riglt as we 11 have try o'. r. copy. ,ro a ly one r.ore dossier that i'll have my rare in. .y tie tire you are ready to put ail t-.ese contact lists in the nail, postage 'ill probably be up to 13c, or w atever t.ey a ve in mind, i'll sec- if : car f i >< a n o t •e r 3* to put on t.e return envelope, now, so just in c a s e ....... anyway, .ooray for faggots, i want all the addresses of all the faggots in tie. whole wide world, and they can nave ..i no , too. lots of 1o v c , o b , Virginia c/o P..F .D .

-wur b r e t u e r s .

I for one an searching. I look for a rural piece of land in northern ,!e n ­ due ino county, A place supportive and open ..here we gay wen can learn to live togather :ith nature and learn l.asic survival skills. I r,.ysel f have raised goats for 3 year.,, garde ., .wake m u s i c lov and great bi t ■>.'w cakes, i/we need tn 1 r j, a pic k L r truck and c o n ­ tact iti. chose of like .tine!. bb dear ones, let us join. '.ountain bear ,.a ..a Cal i for r.i a c/o .F .0 .

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Help recycle an old homestead. I want to get in touch with brothers who are interested in joining a land c o -o p e r a t ­ ive in tiie San Juan Islands. Here is the scoop. Twelve of uy friends have oougkt shares togather in A r' acres that cos* fC thousand. He need about 2 i ore people who are interested and can pay ' P-.'O doi n and Monthly payments over 3 years. Total share cost is $3500. The otter people in the croup arc liberal in various ways. Mostly straight, a few couples and a handful of really nice kids. The people are talented and industrious. bach investor can build their own Structure cn toe land and join join tne various co-operative projects as their energy and interests direct. It is an easy going operation and the land is very special, very beautiful. I want to snow sor.e people tne land, meet the people who are there and talk v.itn m e . I '.ill tell you cf ny plans to Luild a traditional Japanese structure and ion i relate tc tie whole idea of the land project.

The group does not represent any p a r ­ ticular point of view, it is a mixed community. I want to add to the mix. you should act very fast as the shares will be taken within a few months.

Gary Vaughn 1C2 Lake Dell Avenue leschi Valley Seattle, Washington 93122

EA-3-00C2

Although I do not particalari1y hold with the political implications of your publication, I am interested in what others making their way in the country happen to be _oing. Your mag­ azine, to serve the interests of all gays in the country, should strive to be either apolitical, or multi-political. I am not easily convinced that gays who seek liberty for their sexual pursuits and interests also seek the 'liberal' form of government. I for one am a 'libertarian'. I hold to, preach, and practice the capitalist form of government that I am capable of owning 10 acres of land, and on this 10 acres fint the freedom to strive for economic freedom. I am a wholesale nurseryman, I grow and sell on a wholly unsubsid­ ized free market. I either make it or break it by market demands and the expertise by which I produce quality plait materials. I neither depend upon others money ( tax money from the gov­ ernment ) nor aspire to others money to keep me going. It is here that I am a free agent. Because of my ability to think, deceide, and establish, I have been able to turn a swamp into a pro­ ductive piece of property, I have cre­ ated jobs for five others, and this within the context of the present marvelos private-ownership form of gov­ ernment. I started with no money and no land. I did not swindle or cheat to achieve what I have. I thought fir~t, then I worked.

A "suck" is Victorian English for a swamp. A toad suck is a shallow swamp where toads breed. I started here with a toad suck, and I chose the name for it's subliminal implications relating back to my own sexual preferences. I dare say that most of my cohorts have guessed what my preferences are, but most of them have not deceided to like or dislike me on that basis. They like me as a direct, honest individual. I always show up at trade meetings with a friend,,not a girl. I neither hide or flaunt my sexual attitudes. I have a relationship with a fellow 16 years younger than 1(1 am 37). since he does not work in the nursery, and since he is of a more delicate nature than I am, once in a while we end up with comments of a harsh nature. Yesterday, at lunch in town, a woman stopped at our table and made a couple of nasty comments, accusing my friend of prostituting him­ self to me, unable I suppose to realize that he desires the self- sufficient immage which is me, and that I desire

the dependent image which is him. 1 do not support him financially, for he works in town. But 1 do support him morally and emotionally. To me, the in­ sult, which was open and harsh, is sim­ ply the consequence of belonging to a minority, and has very little import­ ance to me other than being a story to relate.

Some of the poetry in your magazine was good. And the drawings. I shall be looking fcreward to the next issue. Why don't you contrast the pityful little picture of those two gay flowe' growers with some effective prosperous gay farm entrepreneur. Give our gay community someone to look up to, not down on. Our gay brothers need affirmation that tiheir proclivities needn't hinder their quest for prosperity and freedom on the land, nor scare them into thinking that their sexual orientation is a handicap only overcome by cooperative and com munal living. The notion to me is bull­ shit personified.

Si ncerely yours , Bill-Toad Suck Farm c/o R ,F .0 .

Dearest R.F.D. Family of evolving beings, here is a vision quest which i a visi tor-wanderer-gay seeker recieved at the elwah land project: Yesterday, we three brothers of the land smoked aminita mushrooms and sat by the swift moving elwha river, holding hands in the white cloud meditation. then in the inner consciousness, i became aware of a native American brother with a red blanket over his shoulder-- "Be strong in your purpose and perserve" he said "We send you all LOVE thru the three eagle gaurdians who now fly over pur heads-if you are serene and help creatures, and keep the natural' laws of non-harm and bal­ ance, you will be blessed and bejiifited" Then he was joined by two smiling ladies and two other men counselors and he passed the pipe of peace and we all smoked of it. in love and positive light energy your comrade Ha ia Cali forn ia c/o R.F.D.

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(ook cut the, __ COLLECTIVE KITCHEN

Some of the roughest times for collec­ tive living situations center around getting the shitwork done. And cooking, dishwashing, and cleaning up the kitch­ en are usually on the top of the shit­ work 11st. Any "meeting" on the matter ends up 1n arguements over who's not doing his share, who's the worst slob, on and on.

Arrangemnts do need to be worked out for buying food, getting a meal prepared each day, and the place cleaned, but half of people’s reluctance to pitch in may be due to the kitchen itself.

I have gone into the kitchen with a dish in mind but couldn't find utensils, various ingredients, or any counter space on which to work. Cook­ ing a meal was such a hassle it did more damage to my mental being than it helped my physical one. And as the quality and regularity of our meals went down, so did our health and disposition. Winter weather has required heartier foods for us, so I have decided to take a look at the kitchen and try to come up with an area that makes cooking easier for every­ one, and, hopefully .makes everyone more willing to cook .

Our most Indispensable asset in the kitchen is the cutting board. No, not a board actually, but a whole coun­ ter about seven feet long and more than two feet deep. It was made out of oak tongue and groove flooring scraps that were glued and clamped together (it would be better to nail them to a piece of plywood) and lays on a rather rickety 2x4 frame. Despite being rickety, it is the place for food preparation. Two people can work there comfortably, and kneading bread or rolling out pastry is a joy indeed. A lot of the hassles of fixing a meal for a large group of peo­ ple are alliviated by simply having a large work surface for cutting, choppinq, and mixing.

I have seen plans for counters made out of 2x4s set on the narrow edge, holes drilled on the wide side, and all of them glued and bolted together to make a large slab - - then, just add some sturdy legs. A friend made one out of three 1x8s glued and pegged to brackets and mounted with pegs on I-beam type legs, with a center brace, also pegged.

It has a nice Shaker look (a good source of ideas), and can be taken

apart. Any one of these can work, just make it fit the space you have avail­ able. Some kind of backsplash helps keep food from falling off the back and makes cleaning easier. I also like the front edge to stick out a couple inches so vegetables can be shoved off right into the skillet. See if someone can build tilt out bins underneath for storing onions, rice, sugars, flours, and other frequently used foodstuffs.

You are coming up with a very efficient work space. Height: With your arms at your side, the board should come just a little above the wrists, but consider the height for everyone living there, and include a sturdy bench for children to stand on and help.

All "accessories" to the cutting board should be within immediate reach, primarily the knives. You should have a bread knife, one or two 10 to 1?" chef knives, a couple paring knives 2" or 3" long, and a butcher's steel for sharpening. They should have rigid blades, riveted or well fastened han­ dles, and be balanced around the point where the handle meets the blade.

I prefer carbon - steel blades - - they can be sharpened quickly, but they must be washed and dryed separately by hand as soon as you have finished using them, or they will tarnish and rust. There are stainless steel blades available, but they will not take an edge as eas­ ily. A good quality knife seems expen­ sive at first, but eliminating the frus­ tration of cutting with dull, flimsy dime store models, makes them well worth the money.

Learn how to use the butcher's steel and keep your knives as sharp as a razor. A knife is considered sharp if the weight of it alone, drawn across a tomato, will slit the skin. Keep them up on a rack, magnetic or other­ wise, above the cutting board where they are handy and free from being dull­ ed and nicked in a drawer. Don't use these knives for cutting string or box­ es, and never cut on any surface but wood. (I hit the ceiling when someone was sawing through a pizza onto the metal baking sheet one night.)

A lot of time can be saved if everyone is proficient at cutting, slicing, and dicing. Various cookbooks show how. I learned from Julia Child's (love her) Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Practice each time you cook.

TrT time, you will be able to dice an onion for sauteeing by the time the butter has melted in the skillet.

The cutting board area should also have all the mixing and baking utensils close at hand. Hang measuring cups and spoons on pegs, and try to find room for bowls, bread, cake and pie pans on

shelves underneath. Put spoons, whips, graters, etc., in drawers or also hang them up. We hung the spice rack here too, away from the deteriorating heat of the stove.

Now that the cutting board is all set up, take a look at the stove and cooking utensils.

If it's a wood burn­ ing stove, you should have a place for storing wood and kindling. We like things hanging up (and it frees precious cupboard space), so the collec­ tion of skillets and saucepans are above the stove. The skillets are made of well seasoned cast iron heavy enough to spread heat evenly. Use those thin tin things for anything but cooking!

The saucepans are various sizes and made of heavy aluminum. We keep an enameled cast iron skillet and saucepan for cooking white sauces, egg dishes and other foods that are discolored by aluminum or cast iron. Chopsticks, turners, spatulas, and wooden cooking spoons are kept in a drawer right be­ side the stove. Hopefully, you still have room for large pots, steamers, a wok, or whatever else.

The last major work area is the sink. You'll need a small space to stack dirty dishes. If the cutting board is on one side of the sink, that

will do.Two sinks and a drainboard on the other side, make it easy to wash, rinse and stack a dish to drain, all in one motion. Rig something up. I want to build a cupboard for dishes at one end of the sink, which would be between the dining table and the kitchen area.

The shelves would be some type of heavy mesh wire or open grill, and the bottom shelf would have slots or a rack for plates and bowls to slip in on edge. I would hang the cupboard from the ceiling and make a drainboard below it. Then, dishes could be washed, rinsed, and put away to drip dry, starting with glasses and cups on the top shelf and working down. Doors could be mounted on the "dining room" side, and maybe a drawer for silverware that would open on both sides. Serving bowls and other dishes for the table would be stored in the base cabinet underneath.

Now try to arrange these work areas into an "Ideal" kitchen. Get the dining table out of the cooking area and put the refrldgerator where 1t is accessable for work, and will make a triangle with the stove and sink, close enough together to be efficient for one or two, but room enough for several people to work on various tasks. Avoid doorways in this space; still, traffic through the kitchen while a meal is be-

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ing fixed is a nuisance. A work area that is 1n front of a window filled with plants, sunshine and a nice view, takes the drudgery out of any chore.

Find convenient but out of the way places for garbage - - a can for comost, one for burnables and one for non* urnables. keep toasters, coffee pots, and other electric gadgetry off of the cutting board. A counter or small table close to the table would be better for these. Use any remaining cupboard, shelves, or maybe a closet, for stor­ ing canned and dry goods, potatos, squash, and similar foods.

Finally,

check to see that there 1s adequate lighting for each work area. Hang up some plants and your dried herbs, set out the favorite jars and dishes and other "junk store" finds, and familiar ize everyone with where things go.

Most kitchens are never big enough for all of these niceties, but a little thought and rearranging can make a big change .

All that's left is to fix a big meal for everyone and see how it all works.

"Well, maybe if we . . ."

alternative to alienation Dear RFD and readers: I live together with 35 other people, men and women, and ten of us are consistently gay or bisexual. Though we are now urban-centered , we are working toward building a rural-based community. During the as! two seasons, we grew organic vegetables on a farm we do not own, tn is year we are concentrating on operating two vegetarian restaurants, so we can make money to buy land and start ourselves in self-sustaining businesses.

Our goal is to create a large community of people who are actively responsive to one anotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s basic needs for contact, communication, understanding, warmth, independence and effectiveness.

Our group is different from others in that we are gays and non-gays relating togather, and in that we relate deeply without preference for exclusive partners. We can have great diversity in our group, yet we have a very solid common feeling, oecause each of us is committed to the ethic of responsiveness.

Each of us has realized that it is our real nature to be a responsive, giving, and loving person, and to be so makes us feel greater iove, independence, and self-esteem. But our energies have been formed tnrougn living in an alienated society, and we need to change character to become lov1ng people. . . .

In tne conventional family, where needs are communicated indirectly through a system of agreements based on moralisms and inferred injunctions, we are forced to invalidate our own feelings and live in isolation.

School and the capitalist economic and moral system further our self-negation and ineffectiveness. We become unable to experience and express our strivings for independence and contact, and to evolk deep response from others. Our capacities to be psycho!ogica11y active are discouraged, and our energies go into seeking dependent ties to ego-props and relationships based on abstract, passive bonding.

Conventional love is this type of relationship. The lovers see in one another a symbolic trigger for their repressedfeelings. All their frustrated needs for contact, their feelings of being unloved, and their culturally strengthened tendencies to be passive and dependent are focused onto the lover. But real love cannot be the resul t , because with dependence there must be control, insecurity, and the impossibility of responding to the other's individuality and independence. And without the capacity to love others openly, to be a loving person toward all others, one constantly negates one's own needs to be actively responsive and effective, and so undermines one's self-esteem, confidence, and spontane ity. , . . . . . . .

Conventional love often results in groups of people living together but not relating togetherdeeply or sexually, and waiting and searching for their "love", their right symbol. In our commune we feel that such discrimination would oppress our freedomand our loving.

In the commune, we gradually discipline our energies into productive ways of relating to ourselves and others. We analyze the symbolic expressi ons which prevent feeling our basic needs. And we confront the tendencies lO hold onto alienated modes by expressing the deep personal feelings af.ected by the alienation. We concentrate on organically developing concrete trust based on experience so we can deeply feel that we have an alternative to dependency, passiveness, and ineffectiveness, I encourage all who are tired of^isolation, who want to take an extreme step to full time contact, and who are willing tc change, to write us about yourself.

Sincerely, Bill Hoi 1oway c/o Alternative to Alienatu Box 46, Sta. M Toronto, Ont. M6S 4TD

7 is is an odyssey from the past into tne future, a statement of exper­ iences and dreai.is. It is a look at communes and a collective I stopped at along toe way. before you and I go or. this journey, 1 v.ou 1d like to give you ny definitions of commune, collective, and cor.inun ity.

A co.nrr.une is the building block of a society or culture and inplies shared economics and emotions. The nuclear fa:;:ily could fit into tilis definition; tut, 'commune" usually refers to two or more suen families and more usually refers to individuals living together.

A collective is a conmune which besides living together also works together at a business, at political activism, or at evangeli sn , for example. Community is the interaction of singular house­ holds, communes, and collectives.

Communal living became a reality for ne during the my last year of college.

At tna t time, I shared an apartment v;itli four me n . This c onmu nal arrange­ ment mainly centered around shared expenses and our involvement in the hippie" sub-culture and the anti-war r.ovemen t .

The following year, I shared a house with two women and three men. Once again, a major reason for this arrange­ ment was to share expenses. However, w grew togather fron our emotional and spiritual sharing.

Later that year, I left to study in "exi co. Seven other American students and myself shared a two room bungalow, this was the most complete communal situation to date, hot only clic! we s iare expenses; but we shared our pasts, presents and dreams. As women and non, gay and straight, we were be­ coming sensitive to the sexism that was iisrjpting our lives and were in­ terested in seeking alternatives to sexist institution a 1izatio .s . hen I returned to the states, I took a position as o director of a coop­ erative day care center. During this time I lived with another man, a woman and an infant, thoigh welfare paid for i,lost of the rent and food, we shared

the other expenses. Those of us who were adult had he come active in trashing sexism and its oppression through conciousness raising groups and other means between the time I returned from Mexico and finished work at the day care center, I had become drawn to the idea of a rural commune. In the spring of 1°77, twenty-five friends joined to­ gether to buy land and to move to the country. We bought a 260 acre parcel in northeast Missouri. A year later fifteen people moved to the farm.

During the year before the move, a collective emerged around a fledgling construction company and a bar we built and staffed. The construction company continued after the move and expanded to include other crafts and art. The collec tive grow strong from increased and meaningful emotional interaction and the spirit of the land.

By the end of the first winter at the land", we had increased our number to tweny-two. A year later, several people had left on their own and five people decided to have a collective in Maine.

The second year passed and we had become a community of individual households with the construction company in private ownership. It should be said, that with only a couple of exceptions from these communal situations, we are all still warm and caring friends.

Now, I would like to offer some re­ flections, advice, and other thoughts on communes, collectives, and community First of all, I will give my explanation of why the Missouri collective fell apart. It is not necessary to look at the previous communal situations in this regard, since they were assumed to be short term at their inceptions. However, with the ownership of land, the collec­ tive was seen in more permanent terms.

When the collective began, we knew it would change. But, this aura of perma­ nence catalyzed much of the pain result­ ing from the split. Because of this pain pain, it is important to explore reasons why the collective collapsed. Second, tI'll make suggestions that might help a collective to work. And third, a few words offered on why collectives and, especially, communities of collectives

arc important to faggots.

A major reason the collective collapsed was the lack of space,tang­ ible space. Twenty people were living in two houses. There were seven bed­ rooms of which three were occupied by one person, two rooms by couples, two bedrooms and the living room floors were left for the remaining thirteen.

This lack of privacy caused individual spaces to be created in fantasy. The fantasies were enjoyable and led to an alienating introspection. Communication disappeared, mistrust set in, and mean­ ingful sharing subsided, dy the tine it was realized that this process was at work, caring had become paranoia and touching had become a cold stare and epithets. The only remedy was to split.

A further reason the collective became shaky was mixed sexualities. I was the lone faggot, except for another who wandered in and out occasionally.

There was difficulty always in relating to the straight men and vice versa.

"Faggot" was a common epithet at the split and a painful one in this context Heterosexual behavior can be a deadly artillary barrage to a faggot.

Cne additional reason, was the use and misuse of money. Toward tne end, a frequent way of putting someone down was to say that tney were spending too much money. Wo maintained a common bank account for writing checks; but, only four people were authorized to write those checks. This turned out not to be a workable idea.

Ttie reasons for tne collapse of this collective give rise to three pieces of advice. First, be sure there is adequate physical space, enough to pro­ vide private space for each person.

Second, do not ini x sexualities, fag­ gots, or lesbians (this, however could be done with truly exceptioaa1 peop1c ) .

Ttiird, get the money thing striaqht and don't be afraid to deal with it at any t ime .

Here are some other considerations.

Numbers only become important in terms of available space and the ecology of that space. 1 think it's best to own where you live; landlord hassles are eliminated and communal ownership en­ courages a commitment, hopefully, preceeded by serious, critical thought. A commune should often try to have intens intense, constructive cr it ice sir,/se 1f criticism sessiins. Change routines which become oppressive and monotonous.

Above, anticipate, accept and cherish change .

These suggestions are the products of ny own experiences, but, I think they are basic to tne functioning of a commune.

"Iso, the individuals who ’.alt jp a c commune and the environment outside a commune are important variables in the workings of a comnune. Since t^ese two factors are different for ever/ commune, they cannot be dealt with in a general way. If there was one axiom about cormur.es, it would be tnis: ..ant to rake it work; then, work hard.

There are a couple of reasons wry 1 t h i n k faggots would ..ant t o i i a . e a ccm rune worn. F i r s t , s u p p o r t i v e , ncn-co; p e t i t i v e r e l a t i o n s h i p s are e s t a u l i s r e ou t s i d e o f more con ve nt i on al r e l a t i o n ­ s h i p s . As we s t r u g g l l c our r i g r . t s a r i C i g n i t y , we need toe support of o f . t r f ag go t s . A co-rune o f f e r s an a l t e r n a ­ t i v e to the ir pe r s o n a l , cor,.petitive bar scene, f or example, as a place to Le with ot h er faggots .

/ second reason for wanting a corr.une to work is to develope an alterna­ tive to the sexist method of runninc a household, "aintaining a household is one of tne more ;ervasive ways society has institutionalized sexism. Tnis makes it important for faggots ard otners to eliminate tne buten/fer dis­ tinctions found ir, house holding. A well functioning commune must ...ork hard to eliminate these distinctions and serve as a model for the rest of society.

For myself, communal living is de­ sirous and a rural collective is :ore so. A collective has centering cualities, which are important; and a rural collective offers tne possibility of self-sufficiency. Tnough rural living is a personal preference, urban collec­ tive s, sue n as those engaged in politi­ cal activism, are equally viable.

A community of collectives is an im­ portant expansion of the coi rural alternative. Independence from a cul­ ture that would have us shackled arc destroyed, seems to be an important gca goal at this time. Community provides the additional rescources not found ir. any particular collective. Ever trough I find living alone boring and living with one otner person, a lover, sees unappealing, these situations are none­ theless a part of the community. Fagcct survival depends on faggot skills.

This has been a personal account which I have enjoyed sharing. It is only a small part of the reflections, thoughts, and dreams I hold. ..e ll save those for another time.

Dear Friends We were very deeply moved to see the presentation in RFD #5 of our article on Mthe gays--who are we? where do we come from?" and to read the beautiful words of Carl, so perfectly understand­ ing what we ment to say and responding so lovingly to our loving intents and purposes in saying 1t.

We are of course very appreciative of the other comments (on p. 41), de­ lighting 1n the sharing of feelings and recognitions that they present. We do feel that our creativity as Gays, Gay creativity Itself which derives from our own particular nature and life experiences, is the source and center of the meaning and purpose of our lives.

Gay consciousness when recognized and developed constitutes a unique and precious "window on the world". Com­ bined with Gay sensitivity, this form of insight produces the uniquely inno­ vative and often quite radical quality that is so often evident in Gay creat­ ive work at every level of human act­ ivity from the humble to the lofty.

Too few of us Gays are aware of the hard-won gifts and powers that, through so much struggle, belong to us by vir­ tue of our holding to our dream. Too many of us are diffident where we should be strongly assertive, afraid of seeming to be "elitist", too willing to presume that the straight world must surely see already what is so plainly evident to our eyes--whereas in reality these are just the straight world can­ not see while 1t desperately needs to see them.

We had hoped that country fairies, because country life brings such close­ ness to nature and reminds us of our kinship to animals, would be likely to find interest in"geneti cs ". Scientific biology--in particular Natural Selection--is the great field of promise now­ adays when thinkers are so overwhelming­ ly concerned with understanding human nature, especially with the purpose of recognizing and dealing with human ag­ gression. We feel it is important to realize that Gays are very necessary to the human race for reasons that go deep Into the roots of life. Especial-

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letters ly do we relate to human aggression, both as to having a keen experience and knowledge of It as victims and as presenting a viable alternative to it 1n our loves and lifeways. The article we wrote must have turned dry and ped­ antic where we bring 1n natural sel­ ection, sadto say. In the future we shall surely try to correct this unin­ tended misstep.

The new approach to human behavior — 11 's relationship to genetic makeup--should please Gays, since it rejects the notion that all behavior is learned and assumes the existence of powerful, innate drives or motives underlying human deeds and efforts. In this view, life reaches it's best (spiritual) levels when we are able to find beauti­ ful and harmonious ways in which to give creative expression to these energies-especially to the greatest of them, which is love.

RFD brings us real joy, every issue, abounding in proof that T1s a Gift to be Gayl We love you.

John & Harry, Pat & John, Sam & Jack, Circle of Loving Companions, New Mexico.

...Thanks for RFD #3. I believe in your work. Wish it was possible to send back part of the good feelings your public­ ation has g1ven m e ...

I'm a gay musician-composer teaching music at the local university. Took a year off to find out about rock 'n roll by playing in bands. Now I'm back teach ing and working toward a life in the country. I'm too broke to leave this small town but am confident I'll get where I want to if I work hard enough.

RFD helps me see where to aim.

Maybe by the time I get there it won't be what I'm needing, but a calm voice in my head says it's a good path to travel and it's the only one around right now with my name on it. Hope y'all are enjoying your own paths.

Maybe they'll all join togather some­ where, sometime. ... I like to hear others calling out so we can know we're not alone. Keep Happy!

Love, Evan Tonsing 323 W. Cantwell Stillwater, Oklahoma 74074

a gracious good morning...

1 picked up the third Issue of rfd out 1n California last month and loved 1ta friend loaned me *2 (?w1nter) which 1 read on the way back to the midwest, it's a wonderchlld and hardly for rural faggots only- rob's article on dance was the most experience- seeing h1s/my views on paper for others to read. 1 hope 1 get more and more frequent chances to explore dancing w/other fag­ gots and broaden my scope to equal h1s ; dancing In the queer bars 1n this town to tepid music 1s cold and uninspiring. ...1 know a few folk who really like dancing- 1t helps, but 1 would really like to do Individual and group dancing in forests and handmademus1c - such a nice fantasy. (& since fairy tales do come true...) somebody give that boy a bear hug and slurpy kiss for me. lots of other nice informatlonand always a thrill to experience someones gut feelings, where the reality shows through the words (not so simple) even (maybe esp. ) when painful because our shared pains are identifiable S a strong bond; Rural or not rural we are still one ... . another bond 1 feel is the emphasis on emotion and relating- so much more realistic than the frustration of bars and cruising - that's no life, "country love takes a little longer" how many dissatlfled urban dwellers cry out for that!? well I'm still tied to the city and it's learning centers for now, but some­ day we may meet 1n a grove in a circle dance, until then send me the mag. here and let it be a vehicle for communicat­ ion. 1 love y'all, & am gonna show this lovely words thing to anyone whose fed up with the advocate not "touching their lifestyle" -- 1t 's worth waiting for. may your magic continue, 1 love y'all ja shaw 2023 1nchcl1ff colombus , oh1o 43221

Dear RFD... Do you think you could branch out a little - and help connect city-faced, country orientated people like me with things like weekend chores , possible ' properties, river runs, etc? ... I spent 1970-74 on a farm 1n Kentucky, and learned carpentry, too. Now once again I make my living by writing. ...

How good 1t 1s to be gay- so long as there's you....

Muchlove- Donald-Davld Logan PS More on mushrooms the wonder food!I

...I've enjoyed reading RFD and really want to get into something In the country. I've Just lived 1n Bangor for three month!, but enjoy 1t already and found some nice people 1n the country side. I havn't met any other faggots yet and would sure appreciate any help from RFD and others. I was just wishing I had someone to share my trip up Mount Katadln this past weekend. Maine has a beautiful coast, mountains, lakes, old farms and Isn’t too crowded. It's at­ tracted alot of people who are into alternative lifestyles. (Recently) I visited the Yurt Foundation...Yurts are practical 1n alot of ways. You can make them with less lumber, use mlllends and they last....the small one has a birch bark roof and supporting wall made of saplings. It's lasted ten years with no repairs. Including some hard Maine w1nters ....one is two tier....still unfurnished. Three or four could live 1n it and it costs something like $4500 for materials. One problem I havhavn't solved with the yurt idea Is how to add on ....

Bob Garrecht 34 Ohio Street Bangor,Maine 04401

Dear RFD, I'd like to hear from a brother who actually practices a lifestyle, like my own, based on outdoor living, physical activity, good health habits, and a Thoreau-like economy.

I thrive on fresh air, distance running, and long walks. My needs and possessions are few, since I've learned to live simply and waste nothing. My interests include biology, geology, anthropology, poetry, rock and mountain climbing, and cross-country walking. I consider myself a naturalist and free­ thinker, and I value plain talk and honest friends who can be themselves without trying to impress or be imp­ ressed.

I'd like to begin a self-sufficient life 1n the country soon. Oregon, Wis­ consin, or New England are primary choices.

The address below is only a temporary mailing address. My home is 1n Wisconsin * Frank Waters 2217 S.W. 33 Way Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. 33312

ii

KMs o.r& -(host

people you

Cold November lias finally come to iowa. It feels to be a good time to put into words my experiences with children. jOst of us have been around children in one way or another, but vie 're sel­ dom able to share our thoughts. So hope­ fully this issue will be , way to start a dialogue between the people you live with and the kids you love. !erhaps the most important thing I've learned recently is that whatever C1 nge you wish to happen in the world can only begin on a personal level the way we relate to those immediately around us. vie need to live with each o t h e r in tolerance and love. So much of our reality is impersonal and alienat­ ing already. This is especially true in our relationships with children.

They become what we are. An infant, being the animal that co is, has cer­ tain instincts and reflexes. Some o r we lose, some we repress, others remain, but the large majority of what we are we have learned. If we're shown how to love and be gentle, then that's what we become. Certainly we are nenetically determined to an extent, but our environment is the biggest molder.

To change ourselves from what we have grown up with takes a supreme effort.

From the children I have k own, I can

12

belong

relate the way they are to who the adults were who raised them. If we are to be responsible for the care of chil­ dren, then we must be especially con­ cerned about how it is done. They will know what they are shown.

I've heard alot of various reasons about why certain people should not be • able to take care of kids. Here are some of the better ones... Faggots and dykes warp their minds and personali­ ties. lie've all heard that one too many times.Or that children of a particular race, class or sex can only be cared for by adults of the same category.

I've known mothers who were made to reel guilty because they had a male child.

The sarri theory went for children of a racially mixed union. Mainstream Ameri­ can society uses social pressures re­ quiring the proper educational, finan­ cial or intellectual capacities - often in a very classist way. Another, that a person is too young or too old to have responsibility for a child.

All these excuses fail because the basic requirements for good care are love, protection and freedom. Adults must decide for themselves if they are capable of providing these. All too often they areri't, and then the chilren suffer. There are so many children

\ho are battered or neglected. It’s J for them. The collective broke up as the slnost become an American pasttime.

I adults went through different changes, There are many reasons why it happens. but I've kept in contact by Joing child­ The child may not have been wanted in care with then once a week for the last the first place. Oftentimes adults three years. We enjoy each other. We (usually mothers) have the solitary know each other pretty well. Lcve and burden of complete childcare. It's hassle are exchanged freely. We get easy to lose it under those conditions along well enough to be able to make and take it out on the child. The decisions together. They call me on my adults (usually fathers or boyfriends) g-own-up-ism" all the time, and I catch nay be of a violent disposition -pro­ them on their manipulating. bably because of the way they were When Kindor got together, another raised - and they take their frustra­ child became part of our part-time tions out or the child. It becomes a care. Dick had been doing Kevin-cart vicious cycle in a violent and aggres­ for a long tine. How there are three sive society. Children are usually not children here on the weekends. respected for having a mind of their As the three kids here get older, I own and clash with the will of an adult. notice in them something special. They Then it comes down to who is bigger. seem to be much more independent than Fortunately, most kids aren't other children their age. They don't physically abused. This is because they require adult approval or sanction for are cared for by their biological par­ everything that they do. Instead they ents. Despite the mental and emotional will go to each other for that. Many trips a parent may lay on a child, they times I have caught the twinners trying usually don't beat them. But what about to work out the best solution together, those mental and emotional traumas? rather than forcing their individual They are almost as bad as the physiol. opinion on the other. And it's very How can we avoid those in the children consistent, not just occasional. Much that we care for? And how do those of of it comes from being around many us who cannot be or who choose not to children their own age in cooperative be biological parents become involved daycare. Their working together and in the loving care of children? taking responsibility for your actions was stressed. * * * * * * * * Everyone of course has their o*n ideas on how best to relate to children.

I grew up in a family of eleven Hopefully what all these have in common children. As the older kids got married, is the maximum freedom for both adults more little kiddos came along. It was and children. This doesn't mean a lack always a party. The neighbors added a few more. Private time was hard to find, but then I didn't know the necessity of it. It was just natural to me that kids were everywhere.

As I got older I began to realize that everyone didn't like having kids around. Iwould vatth my mother closely than, even test her. It still amazes me that she could raise all those children by herself. Even though she had a strong religious faith, the strain was evident.

It was growing up with that experience, plus three years involvement in coopera­ tive daycare that convinced me that childcare works best as a group effort.

Ideally, those people (one or more) who want to be responsible for the rear­ ing of a child would be the same who choose to create hir. If people who do create a child can't provide the child with the love hir needs, then they must allow others to do that for them. Of course that's the ideal, totally over­ looking the realities of societies' in­ equalities that make tlv’.t impossible.

So what are the alternatives that we can make for ourselves?

I have personally been involved with two children for the last four y. ars I met Miura and Chaney originally through daycare. Soon after, we lived together in a collective formed primarily to care

13

of rules. We til need some guidance In anything new - 1n a child's case, 1t 1s living - until we have some experience.

But usually the rules adults make are for more than just the child's protec­ tion. They seem to also be made for the convenience of the adult. Children pick up on this quickly and resent 1t. It 1s something to be thought of whenever you demand that a child do what you want them to.

It is hard for gay people to get custody of children that they have not biologically produced. But I think it's important for gay people who want to care for children to do that. Children need to j l around many different kinds °f people in order to learn tolerance and acceptance. It's especially impor­ tant for me that children knowingly are around gay folks. We have a certain magic when we realize ourselves. We're one of the world’s special wonders.

Likewise gay people should be around children. Too many times we cut ourselves off from the special magic of children because they are not "ours" ;:ids belong to no one. They are not property, but individuals. Ue have

Michael is asleep upstairs With Ron tonight: A crest of gold and silver silk Is cradled in my lover's arms.

They breathe peace between them, The manly black mustache Brushing open boyhood lips Of innocence in slumber...

(He is really not so young, But came to us a frightened child, Cast off from ties of family blood And full of self demeaning shame.

He came with hesitation, Afraid to interfere, To ruin things .)

Michael, sweet arch-angel, This lover loves you, too.

You are a gift of joy, A tender shoot of hope, -Dimensions never dreamed of, The flowering of a loving brotherhood.

I am satisfied, dear friends.

This nurturing old rocker holds me Well enough for now, beside your bed Together, And sings for me a song of contentment,

much to learn from them; mainly, that we have not lost that magic. We have repressed alot of it because someone told us that 1t was time to "grow up".

They are ourselves reflected back to us in a curious way that brings past, present, and future together 1n a smile.

I somehow don't feel my life would be complete If people of all ages were not around me. Birth, childhood and old age are constant reminders to me 1n my twenties of my place 1n this reality.

There 1s old age and death to flow Into and a childhood to remember. <xcie

14

Its chant of creaking monotones A hymn to love On love On love.. .

I will Join my blessedness to yours Beneath the tousled quilt Soon enough.

Kenneth Craig Bland

IF WHAT I WRITE IS TOO MUSHY Every day I am born again Every awakening Every quiet or congested morning Every giggle Every touch I wake up to coffee and Good morning hugs and kisses And with the rush of coffee And with the rush of family titters And with the morning yawning Outside the big picture window With trees of lush green Or autumn golden yellow and crimson I feel full and alive and excited And even with unplanned days Or not know what to do with myself days Or grumpy irritation The air is filled My life 1s filled With such trust And love So I sit here by my kerosene lamp Scribbling these words of emotion And I ask my roomie Noodle If what I write is too mushy Or too trite Or too romantic Or -- as Allan once described -- breathless So I know of all the hardships we have been through For five and one half years The workings and dealings With resentment and guilt And shitwork And sexism and classism and racism And competition And insensitiveness and selfishness And roleplaying And energy And exclusiveness And money And arguments and feuds and grudges And different needs At different times In different places And my own insecurity at times Sprayed throughout my fibers So thinking and dwelling of varied hassles and pain I still rejoice overal1 With overwhelming warmth Filling the air And my life With such trust And intense love

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Jamm'.ay is a creative way to CMjoy solitary tim es.

Xt is also a healthy •‘•ay +0 re la te to others. I f you have a tape recorder yoor solitary or "company" jam s caw be listened, to M a la te r time a«*A maybe eve* augmented mwoitally by yammiwj w ith yo u r

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Step 2: Tie cords 8 J C in the same manner, renebering that the cords are now coming from opposite sides: pull t,5ht- 6

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Step Steps 1 & 2 tied individually are known as half-knots.

If your ivy is looking like it has the winter blues, try making it a new macrame hanger. To make this hanger you'll need the following materials: 1-1" brass or nickel plated rings 4-1/2" metal rings 12 wooden beads or other beads of similar size and shape with large holes 8-24' cords, cotton seine twine or other 3/16" diameter cord T-pins or other large pins Cork, styrofoam, or fiber workboard at least 12"xl8" Tape measure Scissors

The Lark 's Head Knot Step 1: Hake a half hitch.

Step 2: Reverse half hitch by bringing B under and around A, then over it itself by going from front to back; Pull tight

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A sennit is a series of knots tied over the same anchor cords.

"Right" and "Left" are your right and left.

THE BASIC KNOTS The Half Hitch Bring cord B over and around A, then over itself going from front to back.

"Front" refers to the side of the work facing you.

MAKING THE HANGER

Two successive half hitches form a clove hi tch .

"A" is an "anchor cord" throughout these instructions.

The Sguare Knot Step 1: Bring cord B above and across A (2 anchor cords); bring C under A; put B through loop made by C going from front to back; put C through loop made by B going from back to front; pull tight. g Qj

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1. To begin, select a cord and fold it in half. Take t h e f ol ded .end and pass it under the 1" ring. Pull loose ends through folded loop. Repeat this procedure for the remaining 7 cords.

2. Divide cords into 4 groups of 4 cords each. Select a group and tie a sennit of 4 square knots. Repeat on 3 remaining groups. Pin securely at end of sennit so as to divide the ring into 4 equal sections.

S q u a r e , k n o t s J ^ , ’yv'3

3. Bring together a left-hand and a right-hand pair of cords from adjacent square knot sennits so as to make a right angle to the sennits. Tie a half hitch mid-way on each pair, using the cord nearest the ring as an anchor cord Pin half hitches to board. Tie a square knot where the cords form right angle, using the half hitch anchors as anchors for the square knot. Proceed around ring. Pin these square knots securely.

4. Bring together a left-hand and a right-hand pair of cords from adjacent square knots, making right angles to these square knots tied in step 3. Tie a lark's head knot near the mid-point of the left-hand pair, using the cord nearest the ring as the anchor cord.

Slide bead over both cords to mid­ point. Adjust lark's head so that it is tight to the bead. Tie another lark's head tight to the bead using the the same anchor cord. Repeat on the right-hand pair. Tie a square knot to secure the right angle, using lark's head anchors as anchors for the square knot. Pin securely and proceed around

slip knot and pinning that knot to the board. To make an overhand slip knot, form a loop by crossing cord over itself, then fold over cord near the cross point and pass this folded loop through the previously formed loop.

DO NOT PULL THE FREE ENDS ALL THE WAY THROUGH.' 1 /

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ip Knot

The knot unties by pulling the free ends. In this hanger only 2 anchor cords would be tied in this manner for any of the sennits. Pull slip knot tight before pinning.

Now you are ready to set pot over the center ring and hang from a freind ly hook.

5. A. With the 4 cords of a square knot from the last round, tie a sennit of alternating lark's heads. Tying first with the left-most cord over the 3 remaining cords, then with the right­ most cord over the 3 remaining cords.

Proceed in this manner for 6 inches.

B. Tie a 3 inch sennit of half-knots as described in step 1 of the square knot instructions. Remember that the 1- ft-hand cord at the begi nn ing of this r ;nrit must always go over the anchor cords. This will form a spiral.

C. Tie a half hitch with the lefthand cord then with the right-hand cord, using the 2 center cords as anchors.

Tie a half-knot as in the square knot instructions step 1.

D. Thread 2 center cords through a bead .

E. Tie a half-knot as in step 2 of the square knot instructions. Tie half hitches as in C above.

F. Repeat step B. 6. Repeat step A. H. Tie on a 1/2" ring. To do this, pull the four cords through ring and place the ring 1" from end of knotting and tie a clove hitch, using cords between ring and sennit as anchor cords.

Cut excess cord to a length of 2".

I . Repeat steps A - H from each of the square knots of step 4.

There have been many fine books written on macrame. Two books which I find quite useful are: Square-knot Handi craft Guide, edited by Raoul Graumont and Elmer W'enstrom and Macrame: Creative Design in Knotting, written

by Dona Z. Meilach.

Happy knots, Willy ~TM£ SOAP O.PfAA

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PONGLEV& OLUO Part The First: In The Beginning hall I, for just one untidy moment, go way, way back to a place and time long gone by? that is, the Lovely Planet, all covered with its quaint orna­ mentations like leaves and gras­ ses. And the people there-much like you or I, except that they shone all colors of the rainbow! . . . Of course, that was before Professor Fate let the mon­ ster out of the bag.

But who was Professor Fate? I don't know for sure. But he is the person whom legend records as the in­ ventor of the monster, and as having let it loose until it grew and grew and began to take over the whole world!

Those who are not yet beneath its feet oftentimes can hear it coming-stomping every quaint leaf and tree in its path!

Whole civilizations were founded be­ neath its feet and squishing betwixt its toes and it was in one just such civilization that Pongley, the little boy who grew into a disillusioned ar­ tist, first found a magic hole and dis­ covered how to get to the monster's back. But first a little history-After the monster got so big that he was just stepping all over every­ body, many unhappy things began to hap­ pen to the people of this planet.

First of all their rainbows began to fade. Then Professor Fate, who never did much care for rainbows at all, out­ lawed them altogether, ordering that everyone should hide their rainbows away in little cabinets that were placeplaced to the lower left of their hearts. Then he ordered that there should be only two colors for people to be. There was even a first and a second color. The first was kind of ^ a funny awful red which was really turquoise in disguise. The other color, which was supposed to be sub­ ordinate to the first, was sort of a deep earth green, but the red color got reflected on it so much that you couldn't really tell what it was.

With time, people forgot all about

their hidden rainbows, and then they even forgot about the monster that they were squished under! 1 guess they just began to think of all that darkness as the way things were supposed to be.

But it was kind of funny about those hidden rainbows. Those secret little cabinets just couldn't hide all of that brightness, and strange colors were al­ ways playing about people's faces, es­ pecially in the eyes.

This was especially a problem with the young of the species, whom they called 'Crumbgobblers ‘ (out of exasper­ ation I guess). Their rainbows just could not be detained! This was a great source of embarassment to the grown-ups. Some tried putting boxes around their young at all times to keep the rainbows in. Ocassionally this

method worked especially well, and one often saw bright red little 'Crumbgob­ blers' scrunching their more colorful fellows. Sometimes the method worked much too well, and occasionally a 'Crumbgobb.l er' would go so very red that he would catch fire, which was an especially dangerous problem. But somesometimes this method worked just in reverse, and occasionally children would come out of their boxes glowing with even more colors than before, and dancing gaily all around! Or at times they would come out with predominate colors that no one had even seen before.

There was one interesting and especial­ ly common of the uncommon colors that

19

was sort of a pale purple-ish.

It was actually a very nice color to be, but in this land of hidden rainbows it had become an especially forbidden color.

They had some very bad names for people who came out this color, especially the boys. But for this story, let me affectionately call them Nipperbottums. liell, one such particularly trou­ blesome boy was Pongley. Pongley was all colors. And one of his very bri­ ghtest was that Nipperbottum color.

As he grew up he learned how hard it would be just to be himself!

I guess it v/as as a result of this that Pon­ gley had developed a funny way of looking at things. You see, he plain­ ly saw the rainbows in everyone's eyes, lie also saw that all the grown­ ups were just big 'Crumbgobblers'.

And with seeing the childness of grown-ups, he also saw the oldness of children. You might say that he saw people's whole lives instead of just one little part at a time. This is getting rather abstract but let me top it off by adding that he also saw that the games people played with each other, and their reactions to things were often the result of some great insecur­ ity. He thought that this might have something to do with the way people grew up in boxes, and how the rainbows wanted out.

Yet when he tried to explain this to others he found that words just were not enough. So he began to paint pictures-big pictures, little pictures, bright pictures, dark pictures, all speaking with out words. Then he made his biggest and favorite picture. This is what it was of: The Egg of the Universe, The Yolk of which Is Love, Breaking Over the Earth and Creating a Great Omelette of Humanity.

Crazy, huh?

Cut thats what it was of. Some­ how, no one seemed to understand, so he sort of just kept, it all to himself.

Then something strange began to happen in the world that was on the front page of every newspaper.

In big black letters you would have read: "STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES IN MAGIC HOLES" which was exactly what was hap­ pening. Magic tunnels were appearing right in the midst of city streets and buildings!

If a person who found one chose to walk into it, then that person would vanish and never be seen again!

But there was something truly wonder­ ful about these magic holes. When peo­ ple encountered them, they were almost always seen to walk gladly into them without hesitation. Of course, the city authorities immediately took great pains to alert the public about the dangers of unknown hole-disappearing.

20

But Pongley hoped he would find one, for he knew that they must be something good. And when finally he did (taking the garbage out, there it was in the back alley) he ran quickly upstairs, grabbed his favorite pictur­ es, and ran right back down and through the magi c tunnel !

It would be very hard to explain what happened to Pongley in that hole, in fact it would take whole 'nother story many times longer than this one, and perhaps even a better one. But as this one is already lengthy, let me just say that he lost himself. And everything else. And when he woke up, with his pictures scattered around him, it was on something cool and warm and soft and prickly.

It was beautiful green grass and the sun was shining upon it all.

You see, he had dropped through the magic hole onto the monster's back, where the sun was shining.

I guess the monster was so big that he wasn't aware of his backside at all, and the sun had created a world just like the Lovely Planet all over it! And now Pongley was there!

Part The Second: What Pongley Did, Which He Hopes You Will Try To Understand ell, I pro­ bably won't have to tell you that it was much nicer there on the monster 's back than un­ der its enor­ mous feet.

After a while, Pong!ey dis­ covered that other people had found their way there too.

They were

much happier and healthier than the people he had known in the other world.

But gradually Pongley became painfully aware of sonething he hadn't counted on. Here on the monster's back, the people were much more like real people, and their rainbows shone in their eyes ever so much more. But they still had retained their red and green colors, and kept a keen division between them.

And Pongley became very aware that he might be the only Nipperbottum around.

It was nice being there with all the trees and leaves and quaint orna­ mentations, and having nice neighbors to talk and play and work with. But I must confess that eventually Pongley came to feel rather alone with his dif­ ference, and with time he went to live a rather solitary life by the edge of

longest time until one day Baldo Belso came floating in on a hobo leaf. Baldo Belso was an adventuring 1Cr uniboobbl er 1 out to see the world. Tying the leaf to a sleepy starfish, he stepped lightly off, and directly up to our astonished Pongley and announced: "I do hope the tea and biscuits are ready because I've built up a ter­ rible appetite today, chasing wayfaring submarines - do you like submarines?"

Now Pongley had never really given much thought to submarines, but having nothing too concrete against them, he answered "Sometimes," and busied about preparing tea and biscuits, because he was really quite pleased to have a guest.

Over lunch, they talked and talked about many a thing, and then Pongley happened to ask: "Do you like pictures?"

At that the little fellow blurted out: , "Why, pictures are my v-dry favor­ ite thing in the world!"

So Pongley very excitedly hurried to the closet and pulled out his fav­ orite and biggest picture.

"Can you tell what this is?" He asked rather meekly.

"But of course," Baldo answered, "Why, that is The Egg Of The Universe, The Yolk of Which Is Love, Breaking

Over the Whole Earth and Creating a Giant Rainbow Omelette of ‘ian - and now I've got to be going because hobo 1ea v^ <_•■* e very impatient, and be­ sides, I think I just saw a periscope disappear .n o v e r the horizon - uoodbye!"

And with that the little fellow was gone, never to be seen again.

Pongley was a bit startled by his sud­ den disappearance . First he thought maybe that Baldo really didn't like pic­ tures. Then he had ar. even scarier thought that maybe it had to do itn his hipperbottumness. Cut i ith tir e he be­ gan to know the cruti., which was si..ply that little ones are so very busy dis­ covering everything, that they are al­ ways in a hurry.

"Why that was not a 'Crumbgoobler" at all," Pongley said to himself witnout the least bit of exasperation, "I will give these new little ones the more respectful name of CRUHCilUf'S !"

And so Pongley's life continued on in its rather solitary way, and I'm afraid that must confess that his time became sadder and sadder and soon his life was not so much solitary as it was just plain lonesome.

Now, I don't think this was quite right of him, but after several years of this lonesome life, Pongley decided to do away with life itself, and began to think of ways to make himself dis­ appear altogether.

"But before I do," he thought, "I will climb the highest tree around and look out at the wide, wide sea, and per­ haps I will catch a glimpse of my old friend Baldo Belso, so that I can wave ,good-bye to him before I go away."

So he climbed to the very top of the very highest tree, and looking out, there was nothing to see but sea. It

"I will just jump right now from the very top of this very high tree, and then my lonely life shall be ended forever!" And waving good-bye to the world he stepped off the branch that held him.

But something stranqe happened

21

then.

Instead of falling right to the ground, he fell right back down on the branch he had been standing on. You see, something had grabbed him and pul­ led him back. Turning around, he saw what it was. There on the branch next to him was a little Crumbnum with a very puzzled look on his face.

"Why were you going to jump," he said, "when y o u ’ve only just arrived?

And besides, I've been waiting here in this tree for so long for a friend to show up."

Pongley, of course, was quite as­ tonished, and just barely managed to burble, "Oh. . . uh . . . I don't think you want me for your friend . . . you see . . . oh dear . . ."

"Oh dear what?!" asked the Crumb­ num .

"Oh dear, you see . . . I am a . . .a...uh...ohblastit!

I'm

But the little fellow took his arm and with many colors glowing in his eyes he said, "I am only a Crumbnum, so perhaps I don't know everything about everything, but I do believe that I am Nipperbottum too!"

Now, I don't suppose I need tell you that the two became very big friends in a very little while. It turned out that the Crumbnums name was Ollio, and together with Pongley, they explored the edge of the sea and the depths of the forest. When they weren't riding on the backs of whales for sport, they played games with the squirrels, using nuts for marbles. They made a lovely garden with lots of lovely things to eat. And in the very center, they grew a gigantic beautiful rose, which they used for a sweet-smelling house. When night came, they would climb up the big thorns like a ladder and snuggle down together in the very middle of all the rose's many petals.

And so life went wonderfully on all that summer, and it would be very hard for me to tell you all that those two shared and saw and felt and did.

And then one morning, something happened that had never happened before.

22

A large autumn leaf fell from the sky, and landed at the foot of their living house. Pongley pointed this out to Ollio, whose eyes filled with a strange look, and new colors that Pongley had not seen before.

"This is a message from the wind, who is my mother," he said, "it is time for me to go back to where I came from." And he mounted himself on the leaf. "Now you must pick up this leaf with myself upon it, and throw it into the air, that I may catch a breeze and fly home."

Now this was the last thing that Pongley wanted to do, but he knew that he must. And so he thrust little Ollio into the sky, where he was carried aloft to a place far away.

There are many different rumors about what happened to Pongley after that. Some say that he returned to that high tree, and did what he was going to do before. But I think he had grown smarter than that, don't you? The story I choose to believe says that he stayed living in the rose by himself for a while, taking walks in the forest and along the sea. One day, as he often did, he went to visit the many sandcastles that he and his friend had made, only to find them all washed away. So he knew it was time to move on. He be­ came a wayfaring clown, never speaking with words, or even pictures, lie would speak with his hands and his sad face, and they say that the stories he told had something to do with rainbows and hidden boxes.

As for Ollio, I am sure that whereever he is, he is very, very busy dis­ covering as much as possible. And, oh yes - Pongley gave me an important mes­ sage to give to Ollio. He wants Ollio to know that wherever he is or whatever he is doing, that he loves him very, very much, and will always remember him as his friend.

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on," o\/l began "the fire fa 11s , and smo ke dr i fts system continues, while uniqm world, world been spinning, secrets are carved into fountains!, riVer'S. Ohhit out these secrets! Her pours out at each new dawn ite.

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tTfero aTways wilroe yoocpeople as long as there are people.

You see one day, and i hope that day be not far, these walls of seperation and injus'-'ce will mount sc high...that they will break tne very foundation of untruths on which tiiey were built.

Still ny friends, the good people (or children of the earth) have many obstacles For example, a bird thinks o c flying when s/he wants to go somewhere. A deer may run and a fish may swim, But a man thinks of a machine I Yes many men believe that without a machine one cannot get around! But then again the way these cities are built, it is truly difficult £or people to move around without machines that spew poison gas .

Cut why do all these people cling to harmful ideas you nay ask. I do not under­ stand that for i am not a person. But i do know that the children of the earth must question tfieir every learning, to find the lies. That is why it is hard for them, i believe. They start out thinking they are something, then they find out that they have nothing. This can be very confusing."

The acin.al foil; continued chatting the afternoon away. As the sun sunk low, stark long tree shadows were cast upon everyone and everything. For a moment all tne forest crea'.ures became still and silent. They detected a murmer of fairy voices atop maple hill.

This hill had been known by the forest folk as maple hill longer than any can recall. But one spring morning, several moons ago the forest watched a new spec­ tacle. It was lovely fairy people! Dressed in colorful scarves and gowns, they danced through the meadows, ran through the forests, and dove fearlessly into the spring fed pond. Oh how the forest folk delighted in watching these rare people.

How they would have all loved to dance together with the fairies, though no one dared. . .

Soon afterwards, these same fairypeople came back again. They brought with them many things. At these times the forest folk kept a bit more distance from the fairies, for fear of guns and other nasty things.

When a neighbor squirrel saw the wide space the fairies were digging in the hill.

he went scampering to tortoise telling him that a new lake was being created near his home and that tortoise might move there so that they could become closer neighbors!

But to the disappointment of three rainbow turtles, sixteen frogs, and one tortoise this was not the case. Owl had overheard that this was to be the fairy community house, which is indded nothing like a lake. Owl's only comment was, "Large birds build a large nest.'1 Slowly tortoise turned his head to owl .

"What do you suppose is astir atop maple hill?" "i know not." Answered owl in a myst­ erious voice.

FLING6..CRACK!! The handle cracked hard against the maple, scattering many splinters of wood. Meanwhile Dali watch­ ed the axe blade soar far away into the woods !

"What..where ..happened '.? " Blurted Mi­ chael. He slowly lifted the fractured axe handle. Little pieces of it lay sc­ attered around him.

"Look!" Declared Dali. Michael stared upwards to see the first snow of winter begin. The moon was rising, so the sky was brightly illuminated! A strong wind swept suddenly through the forest, as if to celebrate the occasion.

"Why this damn tree!" Swore Michael loudly, "i aught to_" CRACK, went a br­ anch yelldihg to the strong wind.

"Nooo!" Screamed Michael as he fell to the earth beneath the limb.

Dali stood frozen. There lay Michael, unmoving. Fluffy snowflakes fell upon everything. The wind howled unceasingly.

There was Indeed mttch activity Insidi thes fairy tairy house. This fairy family 1s known as tbe>V*ldl5fc Sam stood hover it .over the wood cookstove, starring the soup, then, turn­ Red fox had built a fine fire to ing around, he examined the rising greet the evening with. Some others en­ bread. Carefully^ he tipped the wooden joyed this warmth too, though many for­ rolled onto bowl over so th“ ““11 ~ ~ the *u" est folk would not go near It. Cecil he cut it in Jackrabbit wis one of these folk. She large breadboar Of these pieces ran far away the moment the first spark four, and ploppid j a smal1 brush 1n ignited. But now she headed back to the into a loaf pan )$ briskly with gathering, running qulckily, exicted. hand, he coated t »ieds/he sprinkled "Sisters; Brothers! Listen! Listen! melted butteh% 1y th e loaves s) Brilda racoon has been terribly hurt! atop this, and There are two men who may harm her. We were slid into a radiant oven. Turning around he sighed happily, anxious to must go at once to help her." Cecil st­ opped before getting too neat the fire, taste this Wonderful bread. then began running back thfe way she George was sitting at the round kit­ ^^ chen table, carefully knitting himself a came . fine pair of mittens. Sam loved to watch *Follow me, this way!" She called. the way George's fingers moved this way 6wl was the fffst to arrive. He could and that, stitching carefully; surely. of course see very well by the rising George raised his head so that his eyes moon.

WiT*retted oh the woodpile by the stove.

"How did you injure yourself in this "Need more wood pretty f n o n w Said way?" Questioned owl. "Do you know how George plainly.. His eyes rested again on deep goes the wound?" i/ Lthe half finished mitten. Also seated at "OHHH!" Exclaimed Brilda with relief, the table were Michael an<k Dal i. After a I think it is no more than two mole minute or so Michael rose. V hairs. I was struck down by a stone " "We should get that wood before it Brilda fainted. For indeed the wound gets too dark. Is anyone else into get was deeper than two mole hairs. ting wood right now?"

Spotted oppusum arrived, just then.

Dali stood up and nodded. Without an­ She had filled her pouch with water other word, the two fairies put on heavy from the stream, and picked special clothes and walked out into the approa healing plants. Owl only watched, for ch in g 1darkness .

Brilda and Spotted Oppusum were med"What tree should we cut?" Questioned icine sisters . Spotted Oppusum careful ly tended these deep wounds. After atpgt w h i l e s he looked at owl and 41 tplained, "Brilda now needs a spec- l herb "f eturn beAs it goes, Michael had gathered much that 1 hope io find, f shall fore too long, hopefully with a leaf of firewood in these past weeks, and had this plant. Please do not let any toUch certain ideas about the 'right' way this or nurse her unless she nears death s should be done. H1s voice quivered doorway, i feel she will not db this slightly with self righteousness.

"Living trees burn much longer than though, before my return."

It was but a few moments since spot­ rotten wood!" With this Michael raised ted oppusum disappeared when owl heard an axe to strike a mighty maple. Care­ strange loud voices. Now an ow! s visfully. he aimed a long mighty swing.

dead"one."

29

ion Is one that sees well from afar.

Owl wished desperately that he could fly high to see who come near. But he didn't want to leave sister Brllda alone, “There is no one near," He said to himself. “If 1 fly quickly 1 will see who approaches from afar, without en­ dangering BriIda ." Satisfied with this, he soared up and up, breaking through treetops .

When Michael moved his left leg, it snapped Dali out of the trance he had fallen into.

"Are you alright Michael?" He asked carefully as he bent over to help re­ move the branches.

"Yahhhh, just my arm 1s a little sore. Won't be able to chop wood for awhile." He smiled and laughed.

"Did you see where the blade went?"

"Yes. I saw about where it went. But do you want to go look for it now?"

“Sure, lets go find it. Otherwise I'm afraid the snow will cover it."

So off they went.

"Dali look an owl!" Whispered Michael as he lifted the axe handle to point with.

Owl was terrified.

"Cecil was right!" Declared owl. "Th­ ese men may harm her. I do not trust anyone who points a gun at me."

Michael pointed again with the axe handle, this time at Brllda.

"What do you think that Is?" Ques­ tioned Michael. They stepped closer.

Michael shrieked and bent over Brilda, "STOP IT! The owl is attacking this poor creature!"

That was too much for owl, his claws barely missed clawing Michael's back as he swooped upwards towards a high limb.

Dali examined Brilda.

"It's nothing. Just a dead animal."

Dali said.

"No! This racoon isn't dead, she's just wounded." Answered Michael.

"Lets just leave 1t, we can't help it now."

Michael located a sturdy piece of bark and carefully placed Brllda atop.

Next he craddled her in his arms and set off for the community center. Not know­ ing quite what to do, Dali trailed af­ ter, running short spurts to keep up.

"Michael that thing won't live. It's a goner__" Suddenly Dali slipped on an 1cy stone. Falling forward, he automat­ ically used his hands to break the fall.

Michael stopped and saw the whole thing.

A wide thin smile grew across his face.

"That one 1s dead!" He stated simply, motioning with h1s head.

"What do you mea " Began Da 11 who felt a peculiar squTThyncss with his right hand. It was squished inside the belly of a dead rabbit. Rotting, bloody organs had ooozed out from his fall.

Slowly, horribly he lifted the hand,

30

while bits of this and that dribbled from 1t.

"Ahhh!" Shrieked Dali, who looked up for Michael's reaction.

Michael had walked on. Dali suffered alone.

Spotted oppt'sum returned without the leaf. She was furious.

"Where 1s my sister? Tell me owl where has she gone?"

"Wei 1 ...uhh two fairies came and took her to maple hill. I tried to stop the_" Oppusum proceeded to stand on her hind legs and scream the call of unity.

Quickly all the folk gathered 'round.

Then they began their plans to save Brilda.

Let us peek for a moment inside the com­ munity house atop maple hill. Sam and George had developed quite a wicked ar­ gument .

"Can't you see that it would be much easier to just burn off that half acre of shrubs, than to try to cut it down?!

Be reasonable George."

“Sam, there are TREES there too ya know. Real live ones."

"Oh lets just forget it now, we're not getting anywhere. Ohh! I almost for­ got about the bread!" Sara grabbed a hotpad and opened the oven. Smoke poured out into the round kitchen.

"Four good loaves rui ned! DAMN IT! Grabbing one loaf with a hotpad, Sam kn­ ocked 1t against a pan to prove his point. It dented the pan.

After the two of them settled down abit, they continued talking. George be­ gan this time, "Yes I think we should really do tha" "What's that?" Said sam half listen­ ing.

"Build that dam so that we could have a better place to swim. We could do 1t anywhere along the creek."

■That reminds me, have you fed the fish today?" Sam looked thoughtfully at George.

"No I didn't. Maybe I should do that now before I forget." George strolled outside, down the path to h1s little house. When he opened the door, a sur­ prise came gushing out.

"AWW HELL!" He uttered 1n dismay. He had left water on to fill a fish tank 1n the morning. George was so disgusted that he just put some more wood on the fire. (It was on a higher level than the water and dln't go out) and left the outside door ajar slightly so the water would drain out. Then he headed back to the community center.

Michael was buzzing around the kitch­ en preparing herbal medicines. Michael grabbed h1s coat, walked quickly to the door and said, "Please take care of the coon, sam. have to get a very special leaf from our heVb patch."

George entered just then, curious as to all these goings ons.

"There, that's the one that carried Brilda away." Owl whispered to Spotted Oppus u m .

"Lets follow close behind him so we can see clearly what he is doing."

"Do you think he has hidden her in those plants?" "i think not owl. He has just picked a leaf of the sacred plant i looked for earlier. It seems these fairies tend a whole patch of healing medicine. Truly he 1s one of the most magical people i have ever seen. This is good."

Dali entered and sat by the fire. His hand still dripping from the cold wash­ ing he had given it in the creek.

Michael entered, carrying the leaf.

He placed the leaf in a pan with little water, and left it to simmer on the stove. A short while later the brew thickened well, and the sacred medicine was ready.. The medicine was set next to Brilda. Just as Michael was about to ap­ ply some to the wounds, Brilda raised a stiff hand as a motion to stop. Michael carefully placed the cloth back on the table, and sat down.

Brilda then picked up the cloth, and began tending for herself. The Vilalee fairies all watched in amazement. Final­ ly, after all the medicine was used,(and the wounds looked much better) she care­ fully placed the cloth into the empty pan. She spoke, "1 truly thank you for your aid in healing my wounds, i am better now. 1 must leave though, for i miss the com­ pany of my close family. Perhaps you wish to meet them. Follow me outside 1f that be your wish.

All the fairies followed.

The moon was high, and the whole

forest was alive with 1t's energy.

Owl sat on the limb of an ancient oak. All the forest creatures were gath­ ered 'round this oak. When Spotted Oppusum and Brilda saw each other, they leaped Into a happy embrace. The fairies sat respectively near the other folk.

Owl sang out, "Forest folk, the moon 1s high.

Soon I must forever fly.

Please respect the rights of all.

Or you will watch your own life fall.

For evil done will return.

Farewell 1 sing, for 1 must go.

To where the spring of life still flows."

And so it happened! The forest fair­ ies grew to care lovingly for the forest and it's folk. They discovered that each part of the earth's sacred cycle 1s equ­ ally important.

The forest folk, well they learned that people (and fairies in particular) can be reasonable folk to live with.

In fact, 1 have been told that now these folk are growing closer and closer together. For even on a cold winter's night, you may find forest folk all shapes and sizes, dancing gayly together beneath the silvery moon.

THE STORY OF ME I am made of stone, fire, & bricks.

I chew up stones.

I am made of tree stumps, old dead rats, dead pianos, & doors, dead record players, tv's, cars, people, horses, gates

t id b it s

:

Hopefully, the Contact List will be sent before the end of the year, thereby avoiding the postal rate increase. ★ * * We are, of course, grateful for any and all material submitted for production.

However, there are hassles.

Any graphics, music, etc. that are to be printed without being recopied must be done 1n indi a ink . Pencil, felt tip, etc., will not reproduce without being recopied in ind ia ink.

Black and white photos are best repro­ duced when printed with a normal amount of contrast (around a #3 paper). We've received some lovely color photos, but they just don't reproduce well.

Please, don't be shy, we can't do this without everyones help. We are trying hard to prevent the dreaded "creeping slickness," a malady we have seen in many other magazines. We need material, suggestions, labor,^and yes, $$.

Spring RFD is being produced by Butterworth Farm in Mass.

I would encourage interested people to try and make it to Butterworth Farm and help with layout.

It's an experience you're not likely to forgetl The folks in Mass, offer the following possibilities for article topics: a. experiences of Faggots in primar­ ily straight communities (but not just focusing on sexual isolation), maybe some people are having a fine time of 1t. . . b. experiences of gay singles and couples 1n rural communities (getting along with neighbors, etc.).

C. Individuals or group Involvement 1n local town politics (planning board, town government, etc.) also Interested 1n hearing from people with absolutely no involvement in town affairs.

32T

y 1. •

DM.

I have a cookie in my pocket made of leaves & tree stumps It's Invisible; but I can see it. a guy who's invisible made 1t for me he looks like a light he said, "boy, do you want this cookie?" the cookie 1s black. he thought he was standing on my feet when I was sitting down.

Scott Sand age 5

FAGGOTS & CHILDREN I've been visiting these past two months with my lover Ian & his sons, ages six and four. Also in the farm­ house are a heterosexual couple, their son ?nd daughter (about the same age as Ian's kids) and a single straightman.

Ian's kids are with us alot. Some­ times it's really good, we get off on each other. Other times it's not. I find them really obnoxious, can scarcely stand to be with them. I know this is no way to be. Sure, sure, I try to take the bad with the good but there have been times when I would have been will­ ing, delighted, to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I think the hardest time for me is early mornings, especially when we've stayed up too late & we know we won't get enough sleep & before it's even light we hear the patter of bare feet and a clear high voice saying, " Ian, I gotta' go pee." In a minute one or both of them will be in bed with us, treasuring this special time with their dad, asking him questions & telling secrets that in h's experienced father­ hood Ian is able to respond to with grunts without really waking up, while I lie there full awake pondering each nuance of their childish eagerness.

Sometimes I enter the conversation because pops into my head I can't t resist saying. Partly it's because I begin to feel like a non-person lying there, they're focused so exclusively on their dad. Josiah, -he older one, clearly resents my presence at these times. Generally he refuses to respond to me. Julian, who is still glowing with delight at his ability to make words, is happy to talk tho he contin­ ues to direct his energy to Ian.

Do the kids know we're gay? They probably dont know what gay is. They accept as natural our all being naked togather & our snuggling in bed.

They've never come upon us making love, tho I doubt it would be a trauma for them. One early morning in bed Josiah asked where his mother was. He was told she's at the next farm where she lives with her present lover. He must have known she was there where she always is, so it seems likely he was trying to ask why she wasn’t here instead of me in bed with Ian, but we didn't go into it then & Jo hasn't raised the questiot agai n .

The kids next door a year or two older than Jo go to public school.

Fooling around they call each other "queer." Evidently they have some idea what this means, as one of them proved he's not "queer" by taking a little girl into the outhouse to "fuck her".

She was willing enough. We don't know what they did.

It seems likely that sooner or later Josiah and Julian will be infec­ ted by anti-gay attitudes & that it will come as somethingof a shock that their dad is queer, but all in all it's a healthy situation they're growup in. We're' all quite open about our sexuality u accepting of each other's sexuality. The kids have a number of role models to choose from, both het­ erosexual and homosexual. What more can we ask till our culture is liber­ ated enough to greet cay love with the joy & delight awarded the other kind.

-- ilark --

33

THE COOK’S & THE BOUCHARD’S We net the Cooks at the Town Meeting * decidedly gay atmosphere (though many straight people were there too), and they a full year after we'd bought our land. seemed to have a good time. The kids They live two miles from us -- up the danced until they literally collapsed "wrong end" of our hilly, washed out from exhaustion-, the Cooks stayed very dirt road. Lynn and Ernie Cook are nat­ .late. ives of this town, sometimes plastic, In the past six months, Lynn Cook sometimes earthy local people, recently has gotten involved in a local fundam­ into smoking dope, trying to turn thier entalist Christian sect. We invited the old farm into a homestead. But four kids Cooks to our second Autumnal Equinox and traditional h'usband/wife sex roles, party, but they didn't come. When I they seem firmly committed to the nucl­ saw Lynn last week, I asked her why. ear family as a concept. We didn't tell She said she didn't want the kids to them we were faggots, but we suspected come, and she decided not to attend that they figured it out. herself so it didn't seem unfair to A month later, we invited the Cook the kids. I didn't have the nerve to family to a Summer Solstice picnic we ask her why she didn't want the kids organized at a nearby lake. Some of our to come. I feared it might have to do faggot and dyke city friends were there with our gayness (and her Bible), and (perhaps a bit more up-front than we I didn't want this kind of confrontation about their gayness), and some people with a neighbor. I don't think it's went skinny dipping. The Cook adults worth it. (though not the kids) seemed uncomfor­ I have a definate fear/feeling that table, and they left early. A mutual the Cook's desire to protect their friend told us a few weeks later that children from faggots is a real thing, the Cooks didn't want their kids to especially from up-front proud faggots. see "what was going on" at the picnic.

But I can't be sure about it, and I'm We thought it might be the gay people afraid of a truely open conversation on holding hands or being just a bit campy, the subject. In the city, I would prob­ or pernaps it was the nudity. On our ably welcome a militant confrontation occasional neighborly visits after that, I never asked. on this issue. Here in a town of 800 The Cooks came three months later tc people, it seems unwise. I'm not sure our Autumnal Equinox Festival, v;ith it's of myself on this. Whatever principles

34

of gay liberation are on my mind,.my primary political impulse is survival, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Neighbors are important to survival, and we do, after all, have a lot in common with the Cooks, such as smoking dope or believing that an outhouse is a good place to shit. I know instinct­ ively that the Cooks, like most New Englanders, believe that what a neighbor does on his or her land is a matter of individual rights, private property, and privacy. My survival here as a gay person, indeed my acceptance here thus far as a gay person and a "freak", owes a great deal to this New England concept.

But my own beliefs are not in this vein. I am not a proponent of Yankee individualism. My beliefs are more utopian — I believe in openness, sharing, no private property, and no fences. But by compromising, I can still be friends with the Cooks; they will respect my "rights", and I will have neighbors I can depend on to be neighborly. Also I can play with their children when I visit their farm. Their children-- who will eventually know that I am a faggot if they don't know already-- are affection­ ate toward me and they welcome my affec­ tion. Given the nature of the Cooks consciouness and the norms of family life in this community, I don't think I can exDect more.

Lois and David Bouchard live two miles from us in the other direction.

David's a painter and Lois is a writei working on her Ph.D. in education, and they both came here from New York City four years ago. They're Bohemians in their late thirties; their house is a mess and they don't like to take baths. An afternoon or evening with them is a qreat pleasure.

I came out to Lois wnen we started talking about our writing. She asked me what I write about, and one of the things is "gay liberation" , so I had to tell her the truth or lapse into closety lies. The Bouchards have two kius-- Erica, a three year-old

girl, and Loren, a little boy who just turned five. (Hy birthday present to him was to help hin> make his own birthday cake--Lois knows I love to bake and when I asked her to suggest a gift idea, this is what she came up with) The kids are really great, and I have more to do with them than any other children. We have an exchange worked out with the Bouchards: they let us use their bathtub and washing machine, and we babysit for them every time they want to go to the movies.

I never feel anti-gay vibes from the Bouchards. I feel they are always willing to talk about homosexuality, and this willingness amazingly avoids the common pitfalls of tolerance or condescension. No doubt about it-t1he Bouchards are among my closest and best friends in this community.

I'm interested to see how my relationships with Erica and Loren will develop. Erica is completely loveable and affectionate. Loren, however, is moody ai.d shy, and he has a stubborn or rebellious streak that's hard to take. (He insists on playing with guns even though all of his adult friends disapprove.) Erica is very physical and sensual, while Loren seems to be reluctant and uncomfortable with his physicality. I feel as if some kind of male socialization has taken over hi mind and built a barrier between us; yet I also sense that this isn't the "real" Loren. Some­ times I find myself trying to imagine Erica and Loren as teen-agers-- wnat will it be like to relate to them then?

Will I be checking them out for sexual % identity? Will their parents be doing the same, and will this process -touched off by the childrens emerging sexual ity -- be a happy one for our relationships?

The sexual freedom in the Bouchard house is a harbinger of good things to come. I took a copv of the children's sex book Show He* to the Bouchards .

Loren looked at it, a'nd, in a liberated moment, gave his opinion: "I like the boobs and the dinks and the fannies."

(Lois tries to convince Loren that boobs is sexist, but Loren insists it's a kids word and wont give in to mommy's femminist pleas.) Mike a faggot, friend from Bloomington, Indiana, was visit­ ing and took a bath at the Bouchards.

The door was-left open, and Erica wandered'in, engaging Mike in conver­ sation, expressing interest in nis dinky. Mike asked me quietly if this was OK -- would the parents obiect?-and I knew that of course it was OK.

35

Biological fatherhood does not seem to have any particular appeal to me.

But I do often think 1t would be nice to share my values and this beautiful farm with children. I am almost 35 years old, and 1f I'm going to adopt children (assuming I could get by the "system"), now would be as good a time as far as my chronological age.

But 1t seems that I think about adopt­ ion very infrequently. It's not a real emotional yearning inside me. I question my sincerity. When I am think­ ing most {.osltivly about it, I presume It comes from a nice desire tj share and to help a young person to grow.

But there's a bit of societal pressure "--the Idea that raising children (passing this world on to the next generation) Is basic to human existance --and perhaps the desire for children is partly a response to the political (dogmatic) notion that as a gay man and an anti-sexist male I should be invol­ ved in child rearing. (But I don't 1 ike "shoulds") For now, I'm content with the occasional contact with Erica and Loren.

Not having my own children gives me a lot of freedom, which I enjoy. I can easily fantasize about my next trip to Brazil. If I had children such fantasies would se.:m more remote and impossible to realize. My financial problems are al -

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ready severe. Having children would make things worse. True, I'm not totally at ease with the childlesness of this place, this house. Sometimes on walks in the woods, I feel the need for the company of a child, even the need to share my knowledge: "See that tree, thats an oak, and here's how you can tell..."

Today I carved a jack-o-1antern from one of the pumpkins that I grew in our garden. It brought back memories of my own childhood--watching my father carve the pumpkin face year after year, and finally doing it myself, perhaps when I was ten or eleven or twelve.

Our jack-o-Iantern is for grown up kids -- for me and Buddy and Martin. It would be nice to have children to share traditional moments such as these. It It would be nice, but it isn't really necessary. I'm enjoying life and I feel purposeful even though 1 have no child­ ren of my own and am not involved in the day to day work of raising children.

-- Allen

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Gay people, especially lesbians and third world gays, are definitely welcome. Entrance requirements are 2 years of college leading toward a Bachelor’s degree, or you must take the college equivalency test. Tuition is low. Graduates receive a Juris Doctor degree and are eligible to take the California Bar Exam. All applicants should be committed to use the law as a tool for social change.

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edited by six gay men first issue early 1976 four issues $6 box 40568 san francisco California 94140

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Wants to contact pros­ pective sources of organlcly-grown herbs and spices. If you have access to land West of the Rockies and an Interest In or Infor­ mation about herb farming, please get In touch at the above address sr call (503)686- 2090.

AND MORE LETTER S

only it is almost 33 years ago. I grew up on a farm in Eastern Iowa. I was the youngest by 3 years. My interest in ret. was alv.ays there -- I liked to look at then nude and admire their penises.

After haying we v.<ou1 i all go to the creek to was' a.,J swim. I feasted niy eyes on the young farm hands (older ar.d maturer than myself) their genitals well developed and they had a pubic bush. One farm hand T ____ I particul­ arly liked, I wished lie would show the affection I felt towards him.

I became close friends witii a boy, d on the next farm -- he was 2 years older — we fished ano hunteo togather. One day we went for a swim in a creek. Me were fooling around in waist high water whs.i he said "turn around a minute" I turned ith my back to him and felt his errect penis bet­ ween ir.y bottocks. Me got out of the water to compare cocks -- his was big­ ger and uncircumcised (which I found fascinating and still find exciting -as a boy I was o.u of few circumcised now almost everyone is.) He tried to screw me a.:d I tried him but bot.. were too tight and we didn't think of a lub­ ricant. The next time we met he showee me he could jack off - he really spurted and was exhausted after ne came. I couldn't come at that time -in a few weeks, while mastrutat ing I came and after that v;e jacked off each other. One Saturday he brought some lubricant and tried to enter me in the hay mow o.f our farm -- it hurt terrib­ ly (I cried) so we jerked off. In a few weeks I had seen a pocket book (the home printed kind that describee suck­ ing) -- I asked B____ -- both scared, we settled on 69 so we both would sue . cock at the same time. The first time wasn't very satisfactory. After a couple of weeks we developed a tech­ nique and would fellate each other every week -- we grew older and after a couple of years he found a girl -there was no freedom then, we both married, had children -- but it is al­ ways there for me -v I stare in T rooms.

I lad a college affair hut it was short.

There was terrible public pressure against gayness. I love ycur magazine and drove into frinell one day this Sept, when on a business trip -- hop­ ing you'd have a phone and I could come by to see „ou -- no ^kone -- I'd like to swim in your creek with you gay men. Say something kind for old gays uho had to spend our lives in closets and have so little time left it's almost too late to change without ruining our wives and children. So a trip to the baths once in awhile — a.■.£ jack off in the bathroom. a nonymous

Dear Brothers & S-'sters of R.F.D. What a joy to have mystically found your magazine while on a journey visit­ ing gay friends in the Gulf Islands of B.C. I am herewith sending you a money order for a subscription and a small donat'!on--and will send more as my fin­ ancial situation improves.

A gay loner for years and years, I left the land of my areams and memories (Ft. Collins, Colorado) and immigrated to B.C. in 1C7 2. My life since has been urjolding in a satisfactory pattern, ever changing. Almost two years ago (in the fall) I wound up living in a small trailer 13 miles from a little mill town at the foot of the most incredible mountains I've ever seen. I lost my job at the mill just before Christmas and proceeded to spend the next 6 months on the most incredible mind expanding jour­ ney, through which I be'eame intimately aquinted with nature — from Her most bitter, agonizing cold, death and lonliness to the joys of Her rebirth; sweet warm and reassuring. In that time I fin ally resolved my hassles with being gay in a none gay community, and in June moved down to a commune of beautiful loving people, living in a cabin, teegees and tents-- spending three crazy months skinny dipping in the Columbia River, sweating in an earthen Souix style sweat lodge, being sick togather, hasseling, sharing a lot of problems.

But it was great, the freest and hap­ piest time of my life. That fall saw a lot of external forces lead us all into different things— and my life from then to now has been filled with thou-

37

sands of miles, cities and country , new adventures and interests. ‘low I'm liv­ ing in Vernon, C.C. working very hard at the local hospital. 3efore R .F .D . cane along, I thought I was alone, and going nuts because I was having trouble expressing my gayness. M o n g comes R F.D. last week, and in the spring issue is a letter from "Ken” about his work here and the cooperative. It didn't take me but a day to locate him and his group. There’s a lot of energy happen­ ing that I've been able to immediately identify with, We are thinking of start­ ing a local gay coffee house just to get our brothers and sisters aware of each other--to fight the lonliness more than anything. Ken and I are going to get that happening--thanks to you guys and your magazine. As for myself, bec­ ause of the necesity to work so I can get a teepee togather and a vehicle, I'm living in town much to my dissat­ isfaction. Cut right behind my comfort­ able house is a path that leads up a nill, that leads up to other hills-all unpopulated, peaceful, open and full of beauty and inspiration-- a place to go to meditate and express my love for this world, to watch the sun rise and shine on all the efforts go­ ing on here and elsewhere to make it a happier place for everyone. I recharge myself tnere, can understand this part of my journey and return tc my abode knowing tomorrow is yet another day of unfolding patterns ani experience.

Cack up in that trailer that winter I finally found the peace of mind and heart that I hid long sought after.

Tiie burden was lifted and gone, and although that country magical place is r.o longer a reality fer me, I carry the memory anci joy within and it keeps me

wherever and whatever I am into. Just another day, and a tomorrow full of wonders .

With loving appreciation and best wishes towards your effort Ed -- C.C. P.S. Would appreciate if you could men­ tion somehow that the organization, ' .0 :A. (north ikanagan Aid ) in Vernon Will be backing this gay coffee house group soon for the okanagan Valley.

Contacts and info can be made by con­ tacting the office in vernon, listed in the directory. The coffee house will start off as a once a month affair, until it develops further.

M oving

{

If you are moving and want your sub­ scription to follow you to the forest, rural countryside, or wherever, please, please let us know. It 1s necessary to be notified of both your old address, and your new one. Our subscription 11st 1s filed by city and state, not by name. It costs a small fortune to have mags returned and then send them out again . . . and honey . . . we aint got it::

38

WE'D LIKE TO THANK THE FOLLOWING FOLKS FOR THEIR ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT OF RFD, AND FOR THE EXCHANGES WE HAVE WITH THEM.

RFD

EX C H A N G ES:

Body Politic, P.O. box 7289, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, Canada It's Time, 80 Fifth Avenue, New york City, New York

10011

The Mendocino Grapevine, 2484 S. Main St., Willits, Cal. Vector, 83 Sixth St., San Francisco, Cal.

95490

94103

Chicago Gay Crusader, Box 872, Chicago, Illinois

60690

Gay People A Mental Health, 490 W. End Ave. Suite 3B, N.Y.C., N.Y. 10024 Leaves of Twin Oaks, Twin Oaks Community, Menon Branch, Louisa, Va. 23093 Gay In Vermont, Box 3216, N. Burlington St., Burlington, Vt.

05401

G.P.U. News, Gay People's Union, P.O. Box 90530, Milwaukee, Wise. 53202 Northwind, c/o Dept, of Biology, The University of New Brunswick, Fredericyion, N.B., Canada E3B5A3 'Alternative to Alienation, Box 46, Station M, Toronto, Ont. M6S4T2 Canada Country Women, Box 51, Albion, Ca.

95410

Gayellow Pages, Renaissance House, Box 292, Village Sta. N.Y.C. WIN magazine, Box 547, Rifton N.Y.

10014

12471

Pittsbourgh Gay News, Box 10236, Pittsbourgh, Pa.

15232

Mouth of the Dragon, P.O. Box 107, Cooper Station, N.Y.C. N.Y. 10003 The Advocate, 2121 S. El Camino Real, San Mateo, Ca. Big River News, P.O. Box 165, Mendocino, Ca.

94403

95460

Gay Literature, Dr. D. Brown, Dept, of English, Cal. State University Fresno, Cal .

93710 Communities, P,.0. Box 117, McMinnville, Ore. Gay Sunshine, P.O. Box 40397, S.F. Cal. Man-Root, Box 982

South S.F., Cal.

97128

94140

94080

Lavender Woman, P.O. Box 60206, Chicago, 111.

60660

Gay Community News, 22 Bromfield St., Boston, Ma .

)210 8

Fag Rag, Box 331, Kenmore Station, Boston, Mass. 02215 Michigan Free Press, 204 S. Fourth Ave., Ann Arbor, Mich.

Gay Liberator, Box 631-A, Detroit, M1ch.

48232 Akwesasne Notes, Mohawk Nation, via Rooseveltown, N.Y. Radical Queen, P.O. Box 15786, Philadelphia, Pa.

19103

The Gay Alternative, 232 South St., Phila., Pa.

19147

Entertainment West, 1540 N. Highland Ave. L.A., Cal.

48108

13683

90028

39

be gentle to yourself

Weaning

brush a drop of jasmine holy pearl across my neck and scent's delight remains all day

the silver grey radiance of the misted winter nights a great golden circle printed on the night sky

I'm friendly to myself with smell of clove on my moustache for my nose to know Inside

and at its center a growing moon chasing Mars almost catching it

I place my head Inside my knees and feel a rippling down my thighs

rugged long nights

I touch myself and feel the caress of fingers knowing their flesh

Hanni cries Gretchen lets her cry

I bring myself to ecstasy and cha rm

I listen a great wall of feeling for a touch in the night

the contentment of this soul sways 1n orchestrations to my body's tunes with wind pipes of warmth, strings of sweat sweat and heady odors tlnglings and excitement k 1nd and safe reminding me of gentleness

ol 11 e

Seamen See Men's Semen -orSemen Semen Semen I saw a seaman on the shore picking seashells nothing more it really seemed like quite a bore until I asked what they were for then with the muscle and bone of his shoulders and arms with the veins that ripple and run under smooth tan all man pretty boy male skin with his thighs at my sides and a quiver and a kiss with a rubbing sweat and flesh and hair with sudden turns and jerks jerks off off on on Inside me with a heave and a ho then sighed he shell we Greg Fi 11 ar

40

Sandy Lowe

We stood too close together Almost by accident we touched Desire is accident prone enough Our clothes fell in a heap Promiscuous where we left them While we ran away invisible Naked as ghosts and as nimble Nonchalant as flowers that bloom And have few secrets left Still, we did find out How nakedness enough for two Is complicated Isn't quite serene Even on the high cloud Of a bed We did, well , what we did The extraordinary friendly play Hard in the right way Yielding Unyielding All surprises are somehow expected Or you wouldn't be alive You wouldn't learn how often Understanding is a sudden gift Jan Palffy

mountain

v i s i o n , mountain

creek

I saw you only once, once heard you speak yet every night since then I go to sleep Kith your head on the shoulder of my dreams and your voice 1n my ear. Nightlong the creek sounds down Its canyon; I no longer hear which 1s creekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rush and which 1s your murmur: space and nlghtgush folds me around, with you.

Laurence

Look at Wood Look for the spirit of Wood How it grew in swirls and knots In straight ingenious sinews Cunning Insistent Wood How boldly it grew To stand upright To be on speaking terms with winds To live standing To die bye and bye To have time for death To think it over To fall and let it be known To lie stretched out and mouldering With dignity With strength

daylight sets now furtively behind the haggard leafless limbs pumpkins grow dazily, winds start to blow across the crimson cornfield row, corn leaves chant their winsome hymns pockets feel warm, collars pulled high it is fall, the foreigner snowgeese cry

Jan Palffy

frost smiles on us early this year ^ the pumpkin vine dies crystalled fruit sighs , f . .u,nh<and like pumpkins we roll into winter s fat thighs copyright gavin dillard rosie emissions press

FIELDS AND TREES Who knows which way or when the wind will blow?

But then we know which way the water flows.

The roots, which seek the earth for growing by, With branches, reach for knowing 1n the sky.

Bob Garrecht

Standing very still the moon filters through the bare limbs and twi gs of winter trees spider v.ebs of moonlight S a n d y Lowe

41

Sometimes I Sits and Thinks, but Mostly I Sits

I was s1111n * on the corner one sort of sunny afternoon, Crotch-gazin ‘; .... you know, kind of like some farmer might Amble-toe down through his orchard to see how the trees be cornin' along.

I likes guys, all right, and Guys sure 'nuff got beautiful bulges in they pants. I tried so hard not to Notice. Folks said 1t wasn't right somehow. Then I got hip to m'self, Relaxed 'bout me. No dark glasses, dig. You can’t learn if you's upTight.

And theys at leasts as much to learn 'bout you'self diggin' guys As they might be to plantin' trees an' runnin' an orchard.

They don't teach likin' guys in no school no ways.

Anyway, I was checkin' out groans. Happy-like.

Guys are so diff'rent. They jeans 'n suff all fits 'em so diff'rent, Crazy 'citin' ways I Some guys crotch bulge like a apple, with roun's ‘n Peaks. And do I love Golden Delicious. Other guys crotch bulge like oranges, All fine-grown and F1orida -type: big. I could jus' change into Little Orange Bird!

Jus' call me Miz Anita Byrand and I'd calls you O.J. : squeaze me a little fresh This mornin'. Some guys are so humpy they jeans reminds me of Arizona pink Grapefruit, all sweet and juicytart. Funny how things grows in the desert when You irrigates and ain't too stingy with the water. Some guys don't show much Of any bulge a-tall, hidin' theyself in loose pants or jus' tucked 'way neatly Like. I get to guessin' 'bout them like that Farmer might look up at some tree Early-on in the season and wonder how it's goin' do come fall.

Now there's a thing. Harvest.

Knowin' when and how to dig some dude an* get it on good without regrets Is sort of special knowledge. Like knowin' how to set the trees right an' Protect 'em from frost an' see 'em through drought an' more or less Live with the fruit grove.

You have to put y ou’self out for bein' two of a kind. Man and tree, I mean.

Guys is Ind'vid'als. They's each got they own tlmln's. Some seasons they's all Frozed up from other people's cold-shoulder attitudes. Some seasons they's all Dried up from thinkin' they own dusty thoughts, fevered, waitin' for someone to Tend 'em j us’ a bit. Some guys are jus' plain waitin' in the good earth to grow Some,to ripen up an' bear fruit. Good men like good trees. Bearin' again and

Again 1n they's own cycles an' times an' ways. Some guys needs a little prunin' Here an' there,to get up the courage to try out some new buds. They twigs Has got all brittle, dry, an' wear1ed-out. Some folks carinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; has too much pit 'n Not 'nuff pulp, believe me! Somes jus' the other way 'roun', so soft they's Allsmost rotted right on they limbs.

A farmer has to work hard. He knows jus' when the earth can be trusted. And He knows you risks th' plantin' even when the weather's changeable. Seeds 1s Precious, 'spec'ally with them mortgage collectors nosin' roun' the silo. So Learnin' to crotch-gaze has to be worked out gentle-like, with a sense of humor 'Bout how God makes us, every one so var'ously. You can't go grabbin' somebody 'Fore they's ripe. You got to ÂŁave t h' strength to gather they fruit Without tearin' leaf from limb. I mean, true farmers need patience, not a little Skill, an' basic respect for trees an' the forces of Nature.

Crotch-gazin' is a form of 'preciation. No business like "man, could I rams You' ass 'n get my rocks, 'gardless."

What farmer with half a lick of sense forgets the craft an' the cost an' the Meanin' of his trade? Same way, I gazes groan-bulges an' faces with hands an* Shoulders. Set to me or 'gainst me. Most guys don'ts even know I 'predate 'em So much. But that's all right, they are beautiful! An my peener tingles good To they just bein' there in front of me, all the way God made em'. Somedays I Sure hopes somebody tingles back an' I can get the sweet rhythm and good work Of makin' some very hot love. But no way am I sharecroppin' for the Man, To cart my sweat and my worry off to some rip off singlesbar fruitmarket somewhere.

No cruisin' games, dig. I likes growin' things, 'specially guys, too much.

'Scuse me.

I'ms needin' some time for m'self an' we can talk some mo' later. Help you'self To the juice in the 'frigerator. I keeps it there in case of visitors, Fresh squezed, home-grown from hardy family trees in m* own grove. Make you'self Right at home. They's room here for both of us, jus' as long as you might Want to stay.

Valentine's Rap 14 February, 1974 dan fee

43

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R. F. D.

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Solon, Iowa

52333

we will have another new address soon RFD will operate from two offices, one here in Iowa, and one on the west coast... we'll keep you posted.'

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44

EXPERIENCES SOME CHILDREN WITH

i moved into a communal house in early 1974, i was still in college, i was the only gay man in the group and i moved in basically because there were four small children living there.

Too many of my concepts of children were shattered by living with them, their confusion about their position as "alternate" children was agonizing to watch, often it would be taken out on me as a go tie man. Hy long hair and strange clothes made me, in their minds, the person most removed from the everyday world they had to face.

Their’sexual intuition was very strong and i found myself becoming scared of che children, m e other men in the house believed in hitting ;hem so as the only nonviolent man in the house i was not only an oddity but also easy prey * The mothers had become fernninists. and left their husbands, two of them coming out. The children would spend part of each week with their fathers.

All of the fathers continued to live straight death culture existences. The children would alv.ays be impossible when they returned from a weekend of ootato chins, tv. macdonalds and toy guns. There were three 4 year old boys, David, Geoff, and Darren and one three year old girl, Krissie, Geoff's sister.

Darren disliked me instantly and 1 ,.nev" er !;new him at all. Krissie and i very close immediately. The other two boys seldom stopped playing soldiers with each other and every once in a while they would aim their weapons at me, calling me a girl. The one thing that really makes me irrational with little boys is their love of guns. It is so deeply programmed by the age of three that it-seens there is nothing to be done about it. It's something i real ly don't understand. Dedie once threw away all of David's guns and things c: Trued down a bit, but "hen he came back that weekend his father had bought him an even better set of pistols which he would show off every dinner.

He never took off his cowboy hat and it took Dedie three weeks to explain to him that the indians weren't the bad guys, that the cowboys were was never gotten across. He was the boy most up­ set by me, always asking me why i want­ ed to look like a girl. One night at dinner he and Krissie got into a fignt about wether or not Krissie could have some tapioca pudding. He took the whole

bowl in his arms arid ran out of the room with it. i brought it back and started to serve Krissie while David mimicked everything said, doing the most outrageous fag imitation i:ve ever seen, i had no idea where he'd go­ tten it from or why he connected it with me,(i was still pretty collegato then). "Rercch thome pud ling Kritthy" he said, cie hand cocked or, his hip and the other extended in a limp wrist. ''I'm going to get mad in a minute.'

"Gwan, get mad" he screamed jumping up and down in front of me, spitting in my face*. It was the one time i got violent but my freedom of expression was inhib­ ited bv his mother.

When i changed my name to Maya, Krissie didn't like it and decided to find something better. She and the day­ care center that operated from the first floor of our house started calling me "Lovely Lady", at first in a jeering manner, kut when they saw how flattered i was the name became friendlier. Still the boys would come into my room some­ times to shoot each other, just to watch my confused reaction. My biggest problem with Krissie was her sexuality, i was not as open minded as i thought when confronted by the powerful sex­ ual drive of a three year old.. One night when she was- sitting in my lap slje began sucking on my nipple and stroking my crotch at the same time.

When she slowly moved her lips up to mine i picked her up and carried her out of the room, not before shr kicked over my typewriter. It wasn't a very sensitive response but i was shocked.

45

1 had believed the myth of the Innoc­ ence of children and how this innocen­ ce was connected with their lack of sexual drive. Another time, when 1 had just gotten out of the shower she pushed me down on the bed, began unbut­ toning my robe and said, "I'm'going to suck your penis". Again 1 carried her out of the room. 1 hadn't changed much since the last time, but she had. She went downstairs and got the whole day­ care center to come up and devastate my room. At Kr1ss1e's command all of the books were pulled off the shelves, all the papers off the desk, all the records out of the rack. 1 became as scared of a child's anger as an adults.

At the end of the year 1 felt 1 had had enough of children to last me for­ ever. 1 was sickened by their fantasies, already commercialized and role typed.

1 had thought my presence as probably the only nonmale Identified man they knew might be good for them but they were already too programmed to see me as anything but a strange freak. 1 began to wonder 1f there was anything 1 could do to prevent a child of mine from being programmed in the same way.

1 really don't know.

One of the biggest stigmas attached to faggots relating to children is the epithet pederast. Well every once in a while, girls, 11 's true. There was a twelve year old kid named Michael who lived 1n a housing project next door, i met him through some faggot friends of mine, one of whom was his "big brother". With both of them he had sex and my faggot friends were very excited about it. He started visiting me since i was nearby and he could smoke cigarettes with me. Every time i came home from school he would be there.

Practicing kung-fu or listening to the Jackson Five or playing war with the little boys. Once when i came home he had brought his nine year old cousin over with him and they were beating each other off with wild cries and violent kicks. 1 had sex with Michael once, meaning that we both beat off to­ gether, but he was talking of beating up niggers the whole ti.me. i wondered what it was my friends found so thril­ ling. As for me i had never known how strong my puritanism was until it was confronted and childrens sexuality is one of the weakest points in one's con­ sciousness. One night shortly after Krissie tried to seduce me 1 told some of the women that there was nothing that any of the kids could do to shock me.

Just at that point one of the kids came downstairs, screaming "Mommy mommy come look, Michael's showing us his peepee."

1 freaked, taking responsibility for Michael's action in front of the women.

They didn't mind much but the men did.

40

i found out from some of the other Kids that lived in Michael's housing project that he was known as a queer.

When Michael's father found out that his "big brother" was gay he beat Michael for half an hour, saying "thats for knowing him. If you touch him I'll kill you." My faggot friends stopped seeing Michael and he got too scared to visit me. Last i heard he was living in a juvenile delinquent home. His biggest phobia was that someone would call him a faggot. \'o matter how close i am with a child it seems to mean very little when set up against the combined forces of society. Krissie hated her mother because she was the only little girl at one school she went to that wasn't allowed to wear frilly uncomfortable dresses to classes, i would tell these stories to gay friends of mine inter­ ested in having children. Their resp­ onse was that their children would not feel a split between their lifestyle and "reality," the way the children i lived with did, because their parents had dropped out of the nuclear family before the child was born. All i know is, after looking at all the messed up counter-culture children i knew, i realized how much more serious raising a child is than i had thought, i also saw that personally i was not ready, i find myself too uptight and nervous still to be able to stand the strain of a child. How i would obtain a child is a completely different question. The dream is there, but i have pushed it far into the future. The dream is nourished by the old myth that my child will be different. They won't grow up like the other counter-culture kids i 've seen. Again i c!~n't know.

Maya, West Danby, N ,Y.

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