RFD Issue 116 Winter 2003 by RFD Magazine Gay

From

The

RFD Archives

Faery A ffirm ation For Healing b y Hala We are Golden Energy Itself: Now and Forever, these cells are cleared of all disease and toxic accumilation... we so manifest! In the name of pan - Hermes - Isis: We send this temporary disfunction to Pele, Volcano Guardian To be cleansed in Her Fire. We send it to Cerounnos to be transmuted in His constant celebratory play! We strongly, with a million faery circle voices, Affirm wellness and Unity. We affirm Now The Universal healing!

Vol. 9 No. 4, Summer 1983

Volume XXX, No.2 Winter 2003, Issue 116

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C O N T E N T S COLUMNS Between the Lines Food Plant Profile Spirituality Spirit Medicine Community

FEATURE 2 4 6 7 10 40

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e a

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Quilt design: Patrick Dorman

Healing Meditation

DEPARTMENTS Letters to RFD Fiction Poetry In Review Conact Letters Prison Page Faerie Connections Archival

A Tale of Disintegration and Reintegration

3 8 34 36 41 42 44

by Edge

Better Loving with Tantra by Marc Habermati, MS

Gay in Siberia by Leaf

Scars by Kenneth Hoobert-Frisby

Sacred Intimate

2,5,12,39

by Don Shewey

Binky Sex: Let Out Your inner Whaco by Rosie I). On the Cover:

by Sunfire

Stepping Beyond the Boxes

Drawing by Lapis Luxury

- An Interview w ith Clyde Hall by Huffy Aakaash

Cover design by HA! & Lapis R FD X X X Logo by Louis

18 20 22 24 28 30

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M l* 5 l m

B etw een T he L ines s you explore the many healers presented in this month's feature, we ask that you keep us in your thoughts, medita tions and prayers. As many of you know, turning 30 can be a VERY HARD time in one's life; and so it is for RFD. Healing is exactly what the magazine itself needs.

Two years ago, it was our intention to bring the production 0$:) process back to a CIRCLE, so that the work did not always fall on just a few shoulders. At this point it does not feel as though we have been completely successful in this effort, although some progress has been made in this direction. We held a workshop last January, which generated much excitement and enthusiasm. It seemed as if we might be able to create an electronic circle capable of plugging in with each other from different parts of the country to address the various parts of the layout and communicate with each other on putting the mag azine together. To date we have not gotten that flow going smoothly. RFD is also in need of a new Board of Directors whose members can attend 1-2 meetings a year, preferably where the production happens, and who would like to be actively involved in the magazine. Maybe it is time for RFD to move on to its next home? While we love RFD living here in TN, we are far more attached to its survival than where it lives. Please share your thoughts with us. circle@rfdmag.org.

macrame by Jim Gentry

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REP REA PERS WRITE To RFD Summer 2003

And from Mr. Payne, we reeieved the following response to Mr. Jurist’s observations: My response:

The iatest edition of RFD arrived, sprouted roots, and (lowered my home. I read it cover to cover like a junkie blazing through a fresh stash of crack, so to speak. Even the ads are fun.

F. Jurrist objected to my being called a 'peacekeeper.' If b\ peacekeeper' you understand a neutral uninvolved party,’ then you are correct in saying that the work 1 have been doing these past few years is not that. Our organization actually uses the word 'peacemaker,' though it too has its shortcomings.

I would like to comment about an item on the “Prison Pages” regarding an apology about an ad that listed an inmate as 19 when in fact he was 40. There are worse things to be repre sented besides age. 1 met a guy earlier this year that looked to be in his twenties. After a couple very enjoyable dates and hot sex, 1 later found to my surprise that he was in his forties. The next date was no less as exciting, and he's a wonderful guy.

Perhaps we would better define ourselves as working in the area of 'violence reduction.' Am I a "pro-Palestinian activist," as the reader calls me? Perhaps. It is not a label that I cringe at. but neither does it seem to describe very w'ell the work I have been involved in.

Driftwood

1 certainly do not support the violence of a suicide bomber any more than I support the actions of the Israeli military in the West Bank, or any more than I support any other vio lent action. It is not inconsistent to name a particular situ ation as one of oppression, while at the same time naming that there are many complexities, and meanwhile opposing all forms of violence, regardless of the objective.

T H E "QUEER P EA C E-K EEP ER " DEBATE: Buffy Aakaash’s interview with William Payne (Summer #114) brought thoughts from L. Jurrist (Fall #1 15). Buffy replies with the following: While I agree that perhaps "Peace-Keeper" is a difficult, if not impossible, role to fill in a world permeated with vio lence. 1 differ with Jurrist’s opinion that William Payne could accurately be described as purely pro-Palestinian." As I'm sure Jurrist is aware, both sides of the Palestinian/Israeli conflict are capable of tremendous vio lence. That Mr. Payne found himself in a place of Israeli aggression toward Palestinian civilians had much to do with his choice to support the oppressed people in that region at that time. Had the roles been reversed, I have no doubt he would equally have offered his support to Israelis suffering from the same sort of aggression. As Payne so eloquently illustrated, the attempt to keep peace requires one to choose sides from time to time. But "proPalestinian." implies a political alliance, which, in this ancient conflict, must be deemed antithetical to any peace ful resolution.As an aquaintance of William's, 1 know he is beyond such political boxes.

Does my organization do anything to reduce the possibili ty of suicide-bombing? Perhaps not, but we do try. Suicide-bombing is a product of hopelessness. Bringing hope of the possibility of a just resolution will thus reduce suicide-bombings. If all the people embroiled in this con fliet believed that the world around them was truly con cerned that there be a just solution for Aid. the people of this region, 1 believe the level of violence from all sides would drop precipitously. Let us make this our work: bringing hope. william payne

Food

by Tanya Rawgirl K

i t c h e r y

in t e r

o u p s

Once upon a time, in the Magical Land of Fey, the faeries experienced their coldest and longest winter ever. Food stores were the lowest that anyone could remember, and all but the children went hun gry, waiting desperately for the first green shoots of spring. One day, a leprachaun came skipping down the road towards the village, appearing to be well fed (his belt was quite tight and he had an ample belly, round red cheeks and a jolly dispo sition). He began asking questions of the locals, which made it sour d as though he intended to spend the night. “There are beds enough for you to sleep in," he was told, “but not a morsel for your appetite.” “Oh, I have everything I need," he said. “In fact, I would like to make a batch of my famous stone soup to share with you all.” He withdrew a huge cauldron from his satchel, filled it with the cleanest snow he could find, and built a fire under it. Then, when he was sure he had the attention of all (by this time the fresh energy of a stranger and the hope of a bite to eat had drawn a crowd of curious faeries), he pulled out a large purple velvet bag, undid the knot tied in the golden cord around the top, and withdrew a large round stone. Now. this stone did not appear to be special in any particular way, in fact, it could as well have been found on the side of the road leading to the village. But the leprachaun seemed to revere the thing, and with a flourish, he dropped it into the cauldron, which was now beginning to boil. The faeries began to salivate cautious ly, afraid this meal was too good to be true. "Ahh, yes, I do love a delicious stone soup. Of course, stone soup with cabbage in it, now that’s really my favorite.” Moments later, a jittery faerie all a flutter in glitter and ribbons appeared cautiously, protectively clutching her last purple cabbage. "Will this do?” she asked, offering up the prescious jewel. Plop went the cabbage into the pot. "Hmmm, let's see," mused the leprachaun, “now all we need is just a smidgeon of sea salt, to season the broth.”

A whispy looking faerie with long trailing wings and feath ers in her ears brought forth her last pinch of salt, and with a mumbled blessing, added it to the pot. And so it went, through potatoes, onions, garlic, ginger, and so on, until there was indeed a delicious meal for all. The faeries gathered round, and feasted on their first hot meal in months. Once their appetites had been satisfied, they offered the leprachaun many gold coins in exchange for his magic stone, but he refused to sell, and went on his way down the path out of town. Years later, when the hardest winter ever was barely a memory, the faeries still told stories in morning circle about the most fabulous soup they had ever had. Who says you can’t start an article about food with a little story? This being the winter issue with a theme of heal ing, it seems perfect to be writing about food. The winter season corresponds to the element of water in Traditional Chinese Medicine, and is a time to nourish the kidneys. In Healing with Whole Foods, Paul Pitchford writes”Winter is the end of all the seasons. To unify with winter, one emphasizes the yin principle to become more receptive, introspective, and storage oriented; one cools the surface of the body and warms the body’s core. Cold and dark ness drive one to seed inner warmth. It is a time to rest, to meditate deeply, refine the spiritual essence, and store physical energy _ in the form of a little added weight _ for the cold season. Even though the slow yin processes pre dominate, one must stay active enough to keep the spine and joints flexible.” Salty and bitter foods may be empha sized, as they encourage inner warmth. Such foods include lettuce, turnip, clery, rye, oats, quinoa, miso, soy sauce, sea weed, millet and barley. One excellent way to take in these and other healing foods of winter is to pre pare a big pot of soup and share it with friends. Humans have been making soup ever since the cave dwelling days, when we placed hot rocks into animal skin bags full of water and meat. The process of making soup is a transformative one, and allows most of the nutrients in your bounty to remain in the pot. Here in San Francisco, we have begun to host new moon stone soup gatherings, where a gaggle of faeries can convene, each bringing an ingredient, and together we prepare a meal to share. The symbolism is obvious; alone, we may not have much, but together, when we each add our energy to the pot and swirl it around with a bit of faerie magic, quite an amazing meal can be created, bringing us together as a communi ty to share our many gifts. Many Blessings and warm wishes for a happy and healthy winter season! T hai Me Up

This is one of the most popular raw soups at Urban Forage. This recipe makes about 6 quarts, so cut it in half or make sure you invite your friends!

In batches in a blender, puree the following: 8 cups water 4 cups thai young coconut meat (substitute avocado if you have no cocos) 2 cloves garlic 2 inch piece of ginger 2 drops essential oil of lemongrass 2 Tablespoons paprika 1 teaspoon cayenne 1 cup raw almond butter 1/3 cup nama shoyu or soy sauce 2 Tablespoons umeboshi vinegar or lemon juice Then add: 4 cups julienned zucchini 1 bunch green onion, thinly sliced Tomato Love

Again, this makes quite a large batch, so adjust quantities as needed. Puree in a blender the following: 3 cups soaked sundried tomatoes 2 Tablespoons ground cumin seed 2 Tablespoons ground coriander seed 2 Tablespoons dried pasilla chile powder 2 Tablespoons dried new mexico chile powder 2 Tablespoons paprika 1 teaspoon cinnamon 3/4 cup dates 1/4 cup raw apple cider vinegar 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil 1/4 cup nama shoyu or soy sauce

Jr \ j graphic from RFD archives, Spring 1984

Five Spice Sweet Potato Soup

Chinese five spice powder is a mixture of szechuan pep percorns, star anise, clove, cinnamon and fennel. It is an amazing flavor, great with just about anthing, but especial ly sweet potatoes! This recipe makes about 6 quarts. 4 Tablespoons olive oil 6 cups chopped yellow onion 2 cups celery, sliced thin 2 cups carrots, sliced thin 5 cups sweet potato, sliced thin 1/4 cup fresh ginger, chopped 1 1/2 tablespoons sea salt, or to taste 1 tablespoon five spice powder, or to taste 1/2 cup lemon juice, or to taste 2 tablespoons maple syrup, or to taste

Heat olive oil on high heat in a large stock pot. Add onions and saute until they are translucent, then add celery and carrots. Cook for about 5 minutes, then add the sweet potatoes, ginger, sea salt, five spice powder, and 3 quarts water. Cover and cook until all the vegetables are soft, about 45 minutes. Take the soup off the stove, and very carefully puree it in a blender until smooth. Season with lemon juice and maple syrup. Enjoy!

like this, will satisfy any hunger. This recipe makes about 6 quarts. 4 Tablespoons olive oil 6 cups yellow onion, chopped 6 cloves garlic, chopped 2/3 cup fresh ginger, chopped 3 Tablespoons ground coriander seed 1 Tablespoon ground fennel seed 2 Tablespoons ground cumin seed 1 Tablespoon turmeric 1 1/2 Tablespoon ground cardamon 1 teaspoon cayenne, or to taste 1 cup celery, sliced 5 cups butternut squash, cubed 4 cups sweet potato, cubed 2 Tablespoons sea salt 3 cups azuki beans

Heat oil on high heat in a large stock pot Add onions, gar lie, and ginger, and saute untill onions start to turn golden brown. Add celery and spices, and saute another 5 min utes or so. Add squash, sweet potato, salt, beans, and 3 quarts water. Cover the pot, bring to a boil, and reduce to a simmer Allow to cook until the beans are good and soft, about 1 -1 1/2 hours. Share with a friend!

Azuki Bean Stew

I love azuki beans, everybody should eat them, I think. They are also nourishing for kidney yin, and when cooked

Tanya R aw g irl m akes soup in San Francisco at her restau ran t. Urban Forage.

Co ntact her at raw g irl@ u rban forag e.com or 8 3 ) A Fillm ore

Street, San Francisco, CA 94117.

Plant Profile

by BuffyAakaash

Juniper is an evergreen that rarely grows very high, maybe 20 or 30 feet at most. What it doesn’t reach in height, it makes up for in root and trunk growth, with sprawling exposed root tendrils appearing beneath a thick post of dense wood, inscribed with tactile impres sions that seem to tell thousands of sto ries. Its most comfortable domain is the most rugged of terrains with trem en dous extrem es in tem perature and m oisture. In this way, it has a great affinity for Farth. When driving rain, relentless wind, severe drought, and other dramatic earthly movements rat tle it, it joyfully clings to rocks and crags, laying low and proud, enjoying the challenge that on many levels is part of LIFE. Sharing its pungent-bitter berry, the main ingredient of the spirits we call gin, he reminds us of his divine connection. In most meetings with Juniper, 1 am called by him into conver sation...

A Conversation w ith Grandfather Juniper

You look deep in thought. Anything I can help you sort out? Well, uh, yes... Mow have you stood the test of time? I am older than time. Why are you here? I have come to be in this time with all of you to show you how' you are stuck. Mow can you he older than time? l ime, you humans think, is as old as the heavens that have no age. My origin is way before.

What is your origin? My father is that which you call “w ind.” He also came to unstick you, to open up your jammed and squeaky doors and hinges, to allow yourselves to spread out and he free. But as with any great intention, Time once again needs to be respect ed. She is my mother as it were. I am the intention of Wind made manifest. Then, you are the offspring of Wind and Time. Yes, you could say. I see now, how your appear ance resembles wind. Like every living spirit, I am shaped and influenced by my father, seen or unseen. I can’t help but notice the red glow in your hark and branches. Is there a story there? It is my great great Grandfather Fire and his child. Iron, show ing red in the world of Nature. It is an outward manifestation of my lineage from Fire and Iron, a symbol of my strength and resilience, a mirror to the Drawing: By-The-Way human soul in this world. One wonders what you people might have become without the Iron Age; for better or for worse, it has shaped and molded you. No less for me. although in differ ent ways. What allows you to age so well and remain so strong? My close relationship with the Joy of Life. You look at my roots and branches and. from your perspective stuck in time, you see struggle and discomfort. You also see beauty, but you are stuck in the drama of struggle and discomfort. In the time less place of your own origin, these are just elements of Life and Life is joyful; even in the struggles and discomforts, there is Joy. Well, thank you for this time, and for your pungent aroma, which brings me to that timeless place. You're very welcome. It is my purpose here.

Spiritu ality

A Pleasure to Meet You A craggy creek slithers through the deepest division of it's own slate incision. This is the Bottoms. But even the bottom is not the deepest one can go. In the center of an earthen ring a mortal lifts to the surface a stone exposed to the sun's brilliance a millenium before it's time. As he widens the circular shaft of a spiritual elevator, my own apertures dilate as I drink the endless flow of The m other's blessed artistry encircling me. Now I am immobilized by this latest embodiment of her unfolding creation; The robust symmetry of a natural man. Mud, sweat, and the midday sun marble a matte and glossy contrast across the convex forms of his warm complexion. for an endless instant time does not exist. Before I return to this sacred setting Saturn arcs high overhead three times. This time I am in the earthen ring. It has taken the form of a lodge. 1le is on the outside, thirteen inches of loam divide us. Encapsulated in a shell of earth and pelts, engulfed in blackness, my soul's quest for physical affirmation shifts senses from sight to touch.

I dislodge a stone and pick away pebbles. Coarse grit compresses beneath my fingernails as I scratch out parallel furrows. Scraping and rubbing, pushing to test the elasticity, he matches my work from the other side. Reaching toward a mirror in the darkness finding, not its surface, but another fingertip reaching back, then pressing through. Now a beam of light. There is no urgency after first contact. The pace becomes more deliberate, the activity more sensual. Deconstructing to create space To smooth out a connection. Each time I enter the tunnel, I feel our flesh and earth mingle. Four fingers are not enough. The clay smeared digits lengthen. My thumb nestles in their fold to sneak by jagged embedded fragments. The distinction between womb and grave blurs. I push through to his side. Palms slide together, hands firmly clasp. One reaches in from the sunlit sphere, one reaches out from the subterranean realm. The two primal, life-giving energies inhabiting these worlds sense the new circuit and flow freely. for an endless instant time does not exist. Fox

Fiction

Out at the End of the Ga l a x y by J. Zi nz e ndor f he sign said it all: The last gay bar at this end of the galaxy. And what a dump it was. The combined saliva of countless sen tient species oozed across the floor. Like all bars, it was underlit and oversmoked. There was a minuscule dance floor with, yes, a disco ball hanging above it, not even turning, just hanging there, sparkling dimly like a dying sun.

A smashed jukebox precluded any music which was just as well because, with so many creatures from so many different planets, no one liked what anyone else played, hence the smashed jukebox. Most of the regulars stood or sat at the count er, fingering their glasses, if they had fingers. Some used tentacles; others used claws; some used telekinesis to raise their glasses to their mouths or whatever they called the opening where food and drink was inserted. Kent looked at his patrons in disgust. He'd worked here three months, having fled from a situation which, if he'd stayed, would have resulted in the loss of a useful appendage. Many patrons here were on the lam: ex-cons, those hoping not to be cons, thieves, murder ers, smugglers, politicians, the whole nine yards of sentient debris. They ended up here because there was no place else to run. This was literally the last planet around the very last sun of the Milky Way. Beyond it was the void, nada, nyet, nothing, for light year upon light year until, finally, one theoretically reached the nearest intergalactic neighbor across what was actually an impossible dis tance to travel. Which is not to say it hadn't been tried. Those desperate enough often fled into the emptiness with no hope of reaching any where but death. They might as well have stayed here and drank themselves to the same destination so Kent could at least make some money off them.

Art by Mark E Merrill

But there were also persistent stories about space ships the size of asteroids where gen erations of creatures lived and died, self-con tained ships, producing all the life-sustaining products needed by their inhabitants. All in hopes that one generation would eventually make it across the empty sea of space.

Kent had never seen those ships, nor did he know anyone who had Their existence might be more myth than reality But he liked the idea He liked it very much indeed

was hustling everyone else which meant that the hustler who could delay his (or its) sexual drive until last was the one who got paid

Far more than he liked this bare rock of a planet orbiting a dim sun The planet's methane atmosphere smelled like living in somebody's asshole, a prospect that some in this crowd found so entrancing they actually paid to breathe the methane mixed with just enough viable air to keep them alive These sorry creatures sat at their breathing stations wearing masks, maintaining their existence always on the verge of passing out They knew their drug of choice and preferred this semi-conscious state to con sciousness. Of course, that was true of most creatures here

Kent had to admit that he was sorely tempted by one or two hus tlers Take the Xantics, for example They looked like a cross between jellyfish and the Northern Lights of earth When you hired one and were ready for sex, it would envelope you and you would actually be inside it It then attached itself to all the neuron receptors for pleasure on your skin, the equivalent of countless fingers erotically touching every part of your body, until you trem bled and shook with the electric charges coursing through you

In addition to those fleeing who knows what, most of the other patrons were those rugged individualists who couldn’t reconcile themselves to the fact that the galactic frontier no longer existed, those who thought of themselves as free spirits, free to destroy themselves by rotting away. It really was disgusting, thought Kent. But where else could you go when there's no place left to go? He'd gotten on the galactic trolley, telling the ticket agent he was going all the way to the end of the line. "Enjoy your stay," said the creature pleasantly, with only a hint of irony and sarcasm. Kent thought about killing it then and there, but for once, took the long view and realized he needed to flee and not face yet anoth er prison term. So here he was. What he couldn't figure out was how some of these creatures ever identified themselves as gay. I mean, take the Queldorians - they weren't even sexual. They had no gender. They simply divided into two exact copies of the original. When you’d seen one, you pretty much had seen them ail. One time he asked one how it could say it was gay.

The Xantics charged a lot. but not as much as the Vulcans, who created ecstasy not through your skin, but in your mind When a Vulcan hustler puts his fingers on your skull and begins a mind probe, he goes into the deepest recesses of your psyche, uncov ering your most repressed longings and denied desires which he then proceeds to make real, at least so you think Your most inti mate sexual fantasies come true. While you writhe internally in pure delight, those watching see nothing changed except a smile of bliss spreading across your face and, eventually, a spreading stain across your groin. Some want to die at that moment, a serv ice for which the Vulcans charge far more and which almost must be paid for in advance. This is not considered murder, but assist ed suicide and many of those stranded here end that way. It sounded good to Kent. At that moment the doors to the bar swung open A tall human male dressed in black stood there searching the room from crea ture to creature until his eyes stopped at Kent. Then he smiled. Kent froze. They'd found him after all, and now there was no place else to run. He'd come to the very end. The man slowly walked towards him, other creatures getting out of his way and watching to see what would happen Ken waited too, knowing what would happen. The man stopped at the counter, still smiling.

"Because I love chiffon," it said. "You owe us. Now pay up." Dissatisfied with that explanation, he asked another - "Because I wouldn't be caught dead wearing what you're wearing," it said. At that point, Kent realized that being gay must indeed be as much a psychological construct as a biological imperative. Of course, some of the patrons were obviously gay. There was the six-foot penis on feet who spoke through its slit, telling any and all to "Sit on my head, sit on my head." And who never under stood why he went home alone. Then there was the Qzitzian, who looked completely human except he had thirteen cocks, sticking out all over his body, including one on his forehead, plus assorted others on his thighs, shoulders, buttocks, back and even feet. Some patrons liked to gangbang Qzitzians by sitting on or jerking off all thirteen cocks at once. This caused the Qzitzian to explode as it came, creating a bizarre mix of semen, blood and other fluids that some never tired of seeing The bar owner frowned on this behavior because it had the tendency of making the planet's already small population of Qzitzians even smaller Still, even he had to admit it was good for a laugh, all that scream ing in pleasure and pain all at once combined with the fireworks finale. He actually liked to know in advance when a gangbang was planned so he could get out the word and count on a stand ing room only crowd. Lately, though, the Qzitzians had been demanding money up front and placed in a trust for their families before consenting to gang rape. What a fucked up world this was becoming. As with all gay bars, this one had its share of hustlers. More than its share, actually, since there weren’t any johns at all No one was wealthy here, no business creatures stopped here, everyone

”1haven't got anything." Kent whispered. "Oh, you have something, but not for long.” The man pulled out a long knife of hardened steel whose blade swirled like a frozen flame. "Put it on the counter," he said. Kent hesitated. "Now." Resigned, Kent unzipped his pants and laid his cock, his favorite appendage, on the counter top, observing it appreciatively for the last time. Then he glanced away as the man started to cut it off with the knife. Through the pain, Kent saw a spaceship the size of an asteroid, traveling for generations through space to the next galaxy, to freedom at long last As he died from loss of blood, the crowd appreciatively applaud ed. The bar's owner regretted not only the loss of a good bar tender but also the fact that, had he known Kent was to be mur dered today, he could have charged more for the cover Live and learn, he thought. Live and learn

J. Z inzindorf is a frequent contributor to RFD and resides at the Hermitage in Pitman, PA. Mark E. Merrill is a fey artist and dreamer living in White River Junction, VT.

Spirit Medicine

by Buffy Aakaash

pendence (the m odern buzz-w ord meaning "disconnec tion"), honoring our freedom from the tyranny of foreign control. But our hearts still ached after that moment of free dom in our history, so we didn't stop there. We took it a step further, to an individual level, to the romantic mythi cal image of the cowboy on the lonely frontier, without a care in the world and only himself to worry about. Still, as a people, we value this independence above anything else. We idolize this mythical cowboy. Who can deny the power of the recent media image of our current T H E M Y T H IC A L C O W B O Y : cowboy presi dent, stand SO M E T H O U C H T S O N H E A L IN C & T R A D IT IO N ing alone on the vast deck of an aircraft carrier return that will not leave them alone. Yet few options to heal this ing from war, the lone representative of our great country, made even greater by its self-imposed disconnection from more nebulous pain are apparent in our world. I lere in the west, we are masters at curing the headache, the rest of the world? "How proud we should be to stand but the experience of heart-ache flusters us. For too long, alone in world leadership," is what that image proclaimed. we ignored heart-ache, regarding it as less im portant to Yet, our hearts ache even more. In the creation of this dis treat than physical pain. Now we find ourselves in the age connection, we discard tradition, specifically any healing of super-headaches, or migraines, requiring stronger pills tradition that deals with the Whole being. The Whole being to mask that pain. And finally, for that non-physical pain, lies beyond our individual pain and symptoms, beyond we have anti-depressants, a physical answ er to a non our independence, to the place of INTER-dependence, physical problem. We really seem to have this pill thing interconnection with the world around us. This means that down, so that by the time we reach sixty years old, if we've when a friend complains of heart-ache, we take that at least been under "com petent" medical care, we m ust comply as seriously as a migraine headache, and know that a pill with a growing regimen of daily pills. We are told that get may help on the physical/m ental plane for a while, but it ting old requires medication to ame will not heal. liorate the effects of age, and yet peo The American ple don't seem to be living longer, Heritage Dictionary and, in spite of all the myths about describes tradition as the "hard life" of years past, people a "passing dow n" of certainly aren't dying any happier, cultural elem ents even now that we can completely from "generation to encapsulate ourselves from the rav generation," and, it ages of Nature. We look around and adds, "especially by see a society built on fear and mis oral communication," trust and are encouraged not to because traditions question how we got here, but to lose a certain vitality accept and revel in the glorious when an attempt is industrial innovations of the time. made to reduce them I lealing encompasses many levels. to writing. Television, It requires attendance to the Whole the great modern dis being, not the mastery of one part, connection tool, and expecting it to hold up the rest. What other forms of media, has been ignored is the fact that we are heart-beings on one have taken the place of oral communication, which once level. The heart is the center of connection. The presence of fostered the living traditions of our culture. One persons heart-ache can be summ ed up in one word -- disconnec telling of a story is not the same as another's, just as heal tion. er's methods vary from one to the other. A balance of vari In tins country, we have a whole holiday devoted to inde ation and repetition keeps traditions alive. Truly living tra When we ask for "healing," what exactly are we looking for? On one level, we want to take away the pain, physical or otherwise. If our backs or stomachs would just stop hurting, our ailm ents cured, then maybe we would be healed. The removal of pain represents a major hurdle in the healing process, and many are content to stop there, for we learn at an early age to avoid pain and seek pleasure. G row ing num bers of people, however, find something missing in the "good life;" a new deeper pain ensues, one

"We took it a step further, to an individual level, to the romantic mythical im age of the cowboy on the lonely frontier, without a care in the world and only him self to worry about.”

ditions are not m arketable commodities, because they evolve with the times and the changing people of a culture. For such things to be marketable, there can be no discrep ancies in approach, like there are in healing and story telling. For this reason, many places, like the state of Tennessee, have m ade "alternative medicine " illegal, claiming to protect the rights of the consumers of such things, but more often protecting the rights of the "medical establishment." Within the universe a multiplicity of approaches to spiri tual m atters and recognition of Divine presence exists. Among most surviving healing traditions of old, interde pendence lies at the very heart of this approach. In this age

one and the same. Every person has their own individual story and when a person approaches a healer, it is the heal er's responsibility to tell the storv of that person, to weave it back into wholeness. People yearn for tradition on a deep level, for it helps to place in us a sense of the Now, which includes both past and future, and it transcends the life of our individual bod ies and minds. Our traditions are the immortal part of our selves, which are so difficult to recognize from our every day perspective. We are young in this realm, at the very beginning again, really. What we need is an evolution, per haps even a revolution, of this culture, a reweaving of its story. The surviving cultures of interdependence maintain

of consumerism, most living traditions have been replaced by marketable professions. Modern medicine, for instance, has usurped the healing traditions of old, replacing the healers with doctors whose philosophy involves treating the body and mind and, usually, ignoring the spirit. The hum an inability to define spirit, to set in writing anything really definitive about the spirit at all, separates healing tradition as an area incompatible with a market economy and, therefore, at odds with a culture obsessed with the mythical cowboy, who cares nothing for interdependence. Is his story the one we want to tell? In a sense, perhaps, yes. From one perspective, storytelling and spiritual healing are

a balance between the needs and desires from within, from the people that form the culture, and also from without, from a connection with the M ysterious things that lie beyond our words. Respectful alliances with these tradi tional peoples must be the beginning of the new story and, ultimately, will be the key to our survival. In the next issue, I will tell the story of my own heart ache, and how this led me to the mountains of Mexico.

IBuffy Aakaash lives at Short Mountain Sanctuary, lie is a gardener, a Reiki master, a Plant Spirit Medicine practi tioner, and a Steward of the Sanctuary.I 11

quilt design: Patrick Dorman

A E R IE S H A V E A LW A Y S F O U N D ST R EN G T H A N D

WE ARE WHAT WE ARE

W E L L -B E IN G IN T H E E N E R G Y O F O U R H E A L IN G FRO M

H ERBS

AND

RU BS,

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A G G U P U N C T U R E , F A E R IE S T O D A Y C O N T IN U E T O N U R T U R E T H E IR H E A L IN G P O W ER S. IN T H IS ISSU E W E L O O K A T B EIN G H E A L E R S IN O U R G L O B A L L Y A IL IN G W O R L D . A F T E R A L L , W E A R E W H A T W E A R E T O BE LESS T H A N T H A T IS N O T H E A L T H Y . 3UV 3M XVHM 3HV 3M

M A Y Y O U BE W ELL

or this m editation you m ay sit cross-legged on a cushion or on a com fortable chair with your back straight, your feet flat on the floor. You should be in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for the thirty m inutes to an hour you will take to do this m editation. W ear loose, com fortable clothing; or, if you have privacy, do this m editation naked. Light one or two candles.

In this m editation you will send healing energy to a friend who needs healing, so begin by thinking of som eone who needs your love an d support. Because you will be working from your Higher Consciousness to your friend's Higher Consciousness, permission for healing is already granted. If you choose to tell your friend th a t you're doing this healing for him, by all m eans do so. You m ay also use this m editation to send healing to a group - any group anyw here in the world th a t needs h eal ing. This m editation will speak of your friend's heart a n d Higher Consciousness. The group will already have a group Higher Consciousness an d a group heart. Where your friend's heart an d your friend's Higher Consciousness are m entioned, think of the group’s heart and the group's Higher Consciousness. Let's now begin the m editation. Read the following words slowly. W hen you come to a line of three asterisks ( * * * ) close your eyes (or partly close your eyes, if you're com fortable m editating th a t way) an d sit quietly for a few m inutes as you follow the instructions you have just read.

A H EALIN C M ED ITA TIO N BY 5U N FIR E

ecome aware of your breathing. Don't try to breathe in

down to your feet, down to the earth. Feel a connection with

any special way. Just become aware of your breath -

Higher Consciousness through the crown of your head.

-k

aware of breathing in - aware of breathing out. Notice the

★

As you sit breathing, visualize a beautiful, golden star about six

rise and fall of your chest.

★

inches above the top of your head. This is your soul star, the

Let this awareness of breath take you into your heart. Feel the

energy of your soul, placed there to guide you in this life. Feel

energy in your heart. Your heart is a place of healing. As you

the connection between your heart and your soul star. Let the

breathe in, feel energy coming into your heart - coming in as

connection grow stronger with each breath. With each breath

breath - coming down into your chest. As you breathe out, feel

in, the soul star sends energy down to your heart; and with

that energy radiating out through your whole body.

Feel that

energy radiating down into your arms and hands and out your

each breath out, that energy radiates through your body and out to the universe.

★

finger tips. Feel it radiating down through your legs and down

★

Visualize the friend who needs your healing. Let your attention

into the center of the earth.

★

As you breathe in, not only is the air coming in through your

go to his heart. Feel the connection between your heart and his. Visualize your friend's soul star. See a line of light connect

nose and going down info your chest, but energy is coming

ing your soul star and his. N ow see a line of light connecting

down through the crown of your head, or what some people

your heart with your friend’s soul star and a line of light connect ing your friend’s heart with your soul star.

call the crown chakra, and into your heart. Feel that energy. As

★

you exhale, feel that energy go out - down to your fingers,

★

At this point, you may sense the presence of masters and

angels. Ask them to assist with this healing. !f you feel a close

earth,’ ’W e are one with God [or what ever word you ve cho

connection with any spiritual beings - Jesus, Buddha Krishna,

sen to express Higher Power]' You may continue to send ener

Kwan Yin, or any other spiritual beings - ask them to be pres

gy for a half an hour or longer.

ent and assist you in this healing. * ★ ★

■*

As you finish your healing session, visualize your friend

You are now going to visualize energy flowing in a figure eight

wrapped in a golden doth of protection. If if seems meaning

pattern. Take a deep breath in; and as you breathe out, feel

ful to you, this protection could be the wings of an angel. Set

a line of energy coming out from your heart and down to the

your intention that only the highest energy of divine love will

center of the earth. When you breathe in again, feel energy

penetrate this cloth and that it will remain around your friend for

coming back up behind you and in through the back of your heart,

completing the

lower loop of a figure eight. On

the

breath

out,

breathe that energy up to the Heart of God. As you breathe in, let that energy come back to the back of your heart, com pleting the upper loop of a fig ure eight. Continue breathing, visualizing this figure eight pat tern of energy moving down in front to the center of the earth, up through the back of the heart, out in the front of the heart and going up to the Heart of God, and then com ing down through the back of the heart. As you continue to breathe this figure eight pattern, silently say to yourself, as you breathe out for the lower loop, "I am one with the earth,"

self-portrait with birds

and as you

Tim Andrews

breathe out for the upper loop, "I am one with God," "I am one

several hours to allow time for the healing you have done to

with the Great Mother," "I am one with the Universe.," or "I am

have its full effect.

one with-" and here put whatever word bests fits your concept of Higher Power.

End your healing session by giving thanks to the angels and masters of light who have helped you, and know that they are

N ow visualize your friend. Feel the love that has been gather

also thanking you and welcoming you to their circle of healers.

ing in your heart flowing down through your hands. Hold your hands out, palms down in front of you, and feel the energy from your heart going down through your hands to your friend. As you feel that energy going out, continue to breathe and visual ize the figure eight, this time saying, "We are one with the

Sunfire is a Certified Advanced Energy Healer and a graduate of the Inner Focus School of Soul Centered Advanced Energy Healing. He may be reached at sunfirel2@earthlink.net or at (631) 424 3606. For more inform ation on the School, visit h ttp ://www.lnnerfocus.org

The task of healing is to respect oneself as a creature, no more and no less. Wendell Berry, "H ealing" fter at least 15 years of living with HIV, in March 2 0 0 0 I found I could no longer continue to push through the waves of chronic fatigue diarrhea, and depression to drag myself out of bed each morning and through another day at w o rk W hen 1 talked with my employer about my decision to apply for disability, I told him I felt like a shadow of my former self. As I waited through the nerve-wracking months of applying for disability benefits, I steeled myself with the conviction that this step would enable me to refocus my ener gies on rebuilding my health.

At the same time, my health also seemed to be disintegrat ing. diarrhea became rampant; my numbers worsened; and I even developed resistance to my two newest medications. The chronic fatigue I was living with often made it difficult for me to do much more than sleep and watch television. Even reading, my great solace, seemed to require more energy than I had much of the time. Making plans was out of the question, since I never knew whether I would have the ener gy to carry them out. This process of subtraction and disintegration cleared the ground in which the seeds of my new life on disability could grow. In the midst of disabling diarrhea, nausea, and abdominal pain, I also decided to go off my anti-retroviral medications - which I now see as another aspect of that stripping-away process.

A T A L E OF D ISIN TiC RATI O N AND R E I NT E C R A T I O N BY EDGE Initially, I felt most aware of the subtractions that disability brought. OK, I would think, now I don't have to get up for work; now I don't have to go to tedious energy-draining meet ings; now I don't have to suffer people I don't enjoy; now I don't have to rush around frying to cram in a seemingly endless cycle of obligations and responsibilities. I felt incredibly relieved to be able to sleep all morning, to be able to nap in the afternoons without worrying that someone would barge into my office and catch me dozing when I was supposed to be working, to be able to lie awake at night with insomnia with out worrying about being alert for my 9 a m. meeting. Going onto disability suddenly stripped away the culturallyimposed structures and demands of my life that had been dic tated by things like my job, career, money-making and status seeking. Although I felt relieved to be released from these things, their loss also left a big void in my life. N ow that I was no longer defined by my career, the reality was that in many ways my life and my identity were disintegrating.

Having emptied my life of so much, I gradually began a process of renewing, restoring and rebuilding. First and fore most, I decided simply to listen to my body - to rest and eat when I needed to, to get out of the house when I felt able to. I bought a laptop computer and took steps toward achieving my lifelong dream of being a writer. After years of procrastina tion, I finally chose a health care proxy, wrote a will, and began to let people close to me know that I desired no extreme measures to keep me alive as well as what I wanted to happen after my death. I also reached out for new sources of healing and support. I refocused on my spiritual well-being, developed new spiritual practices, rediscovered yoga. I renewed my commitments to acupuncture herbs, and nutrition. Through psychotherapy, I moved toward a greater acceptance of the realities of my life with AIDS - of the uncertainties about my energy, my unpre dictable sleep patterns, and when diarrhea will strike, as well as the necessity of listening to and honoring the needs of my body for rest, relaxation, and care.

In the six months after my disability was approved, I attended two Naraya dances (a Native American ceremony for healing that Shoshone medicine man Clyde Hall has carried to commu nities around the country, including W olf Creek Sanctuary). In the first of these, I prayed for healing of my body, mind heart, and soul - recognizing that I did not know what that healing would look like. In the second - having just read Robert A. Johnson's Owning Your Own Shadow - I prayed to know and honor my own shadow. As it turned out, the fulfillment of the latter prayer became a step toward the former. Within three months after dancing the Naraya in New York, my diarrhea became increasingly worse until I was admitted to the hospital for a week. During this dark time, I found myself the closest to death I had ever experienced. Yet it was also a remarkably peaceful time for me. I was able to take stock of my life, honoring all that I had accomplished as

well as those goals I held for myself that I had not yet achieved. I found that I was at peace with it all, as well as clearer than ever about the directions I would move in my life if I survived. I tied up loose ends. I surrendered myself to whatever lay ahead - life or death. During this time, Rosette Royale came to stay with me. One evening, in my bedroom as I lay in the motionless state that was most comfortable for me, Rosette and I smoked the pipe s/he had been gifted by Regular Joe. At the same time (I later learned), others from the Naraya community were engaging in similar pipe ceremonies around the country. During that cere mony, I realized that whatever happened - whether I lived or died - I would be birthed into a new life. As I lived daily with the rapid deterioration of my body and its functions, I also discovered that some part of me remained undiminished. Something at my core felt unaffected by my body's breakdowns, and this feeling confirmed for me my belief in an eternal spirit that animates us.

My health gradually improved w'ith the coming of the spring, and my revival felt deeply connected with the revitalization of the earth after the long winter. By Beltane, I was taking walks outside to rebuild my energy and my physical body Around this time, I also noticed that my roommates cat — which had for months shared my symptoms of diarrhea and low energy seemed to be getting worse, and I began to wonder if she might be dying. I made her a little bed (mine had been such a comfort to me in my sickness), which I began to move from sunny spot to sunny spot throughout the day. Finally, one night she came and slept on my bed - the first time she had ever done that. The next morning, when she contin ued to lie there after I got up, I felt certain that her death was near. So I asked myself, what did I need when I was close to death? I realized that I needed to be comfortable, to feel that my needs would be attended to, and otherwise to be left alone. As I sat with her, I tried to connect with her, spirit to spir it. I thought that perhaps our spirits might meet again and that we might recognize on some level that we had helped each other through difficult times. And I realized that the essence of spirituality is recognizing that every created being is animated by a spirit that is fundamentally the same. In that moment, I knew that such an awareness required moving in the world in a completely different way than I had been taught by my soci ety. The cat died that evening, and around the time of her death, I walked outside to find four neighborhood cats sitting around our house, as if in vigil for the death of their sister who had never to my knowledge gone outside of our building. My roommate and I later buried her in our garden, where her decomposing remains provided fertilizer for countless beautiful dahlias that bloomed throughout the summer. Looking back, that experience of being close to death did in fact birth me into a new life - a life that - after over 20 years of urban life - has taken me to the rural mountains of Tennessee and New Mexico and now calls me to more unknown begin nings and to an ever-deepening mystical connection with the realities of this life. In the almost 3 years since my near-death experience, I feel like I've turned a major corner in my life. Suddenly, many things that I have long wanted to be part of my life are coming togeth er for me. After struggling for years with depression, I find myself waking up feeling happy to be alive. Although I still experience chronic fatigue, diarrhea, and sleep problems, I also feel very conscious of a healing of my body, mind, heart, and soul that causes me to feel content with who I am, realis tic about what I want, and open to endless possibilities. Out of the disintegration of several years ago, I feel a vibrant new identity emerging that continues to re-order and re-integrate my experiences, values, hopes, and dreams.

ter each time. It is already fantastic. The healing potential and the changes it

Never repress sex. Never be against it. Rather, go deeply into it with great clarity.. .With great love. Go like an explorer. Search all the nooks and crannies of your sexual ity, and you will stumble upon your spirituality. Then you will become free. The future will have a totally different vision of sex for you. It will be more fun, more joy, more friend ship, more play than a serious affair, as it has been in the past. Sex is just the beginning, not the end. But if you miss the beginning, you will miss the end also. -from Tantra M agazine, Issue #4 1992

activates in both o f us is very powerful It improves the immune system. Tantra can transform your life. It is a w ay to focus your erotic energy toward achievieng enlightenment. It is a spiritual path. M ost o f what g a y straight, or bisexual men know about sex is misinformation. It is not beneficial to jack off daily, but to prime the pump', by pleasuring yourself daily and getting close without ejaculating

This increases the erotic energy reservoir, and allows for

unbelievably intense erotic experiences in bed. G iv e it a try. Check out www.NaturalBalancelife.com and g o to the Tantric Sexuality section for more information Email meat blue5@cox.nel or call if you have questions.

or a gay/bisexual man to follow a 5 0 0 0 year old spiritual path doesn't follow within our societal constrictions, but being gay doesn't either. If we were to follow an established path of spirituality that improved sexual performance and gave us more balanced energy, we could be shining exam ples within our society, or at the very least serving our own needs more completely. Tantra is a valuable resource that can do all of this and more. It is worth your time to explore. I have practiced it as a gay man for 15 years and it has improved my life. Tantra is an ancient spiritual path where our spirituality is expressed through our sexuality. It began in India, Asia and the East. The body is the temple of the spirit and we celebrate the divine in each other with respect

BETTER LO VIN C W ITH TA N TRA CA Y SPIRITU A L A LTER N A TIV ES BY M A R C H A B E R M A N , BA. M T I have been a Holistic Health Practitioner for 2 2 years. I have also been a sub scribet to RFD for most o f that time. It has been my experience in observing what works in healing for men is a gentle touch, a compassonate tone, a healthy relationship with yourself, g o o d nutrition and exercise, and g o o d sex. N ow to b e more specific Therapeutic massage, especially out in nature works wondeis Incorporating tantnc body work is even better. Tantra is the best sin gle form o f healmg I can recommend for men or women For the past 15 years tantra has been at the core of my life and has given me control over my sexu a l energy, a better understanding o f it and better relationships I am currently m a wonderful relationship that is doing well because w e both follow tantric concepts Instead o f locking o ff daily like he d id before we met, he conserves that powerful erotic energy and w e share its intensity several times a week. We average 3-5 hours o f wonderful sexual intimacy each time w e get together, about 3 days a week If our lives permitted it, w e could have sex 3 times a day. 7 days a week and still have energy left over. It only gets better and bet-

through our sexuality. Ritual is used to give meaning and beauty to each act. In tantra you become totally present with yourself and partner, if you have one, or yourself. Massage and other forms of sensual pleasure add to the experience. There are no goals to satisfy the other partner or reach orgasm, but to dance together in a free form erotic ecstasy of joy and real connectedness of each other and the spirit. Love is the communication. Intimacy is the core, the connection between people with tantra. Boundaries break down and the partners merge. Semen retention and high libido go hand in hand. This can open up whole new worlds of ecstatic pleas ure and new connections never before imagined. It is no accident that this way is becoming popular, in a country where it is desperately needed. Breath is a key factor in con trol and enjoyment. The kundalini energy can move up the chakras to give you a whole body orgasmic experience. A state of total balance and health is realized.

Love is both the cement and lubricant of life. Without love we are without a pur pose. Self love and love of God is the foundation of all relationships. W e live in a world of increasing fear and intimi dation. Love is the best form of motiva tion. More faith in the grand scheme of things is required today. The sexual energy is so powerful. If we are able to see beyond the immediate gratifica tion of the physical ejaculation and are able to develop more intense internal orgasms, we will connect more com pletely with our true spirit and draw more loving experiences to us. When a man ejaculates, he loses a lot of energy, and both his physical and emo tional feelings change suddenly. For many men, this ends the.desire for phys ical contact and they go into a period of isolation and withdrawal. W e have many alternative ways of erotice touch ing which include masturbation-type stimulation and massage, but do not include insertion or penetration. For the past 15 years I have been offering healthy group massages and workshops that are about healthy ways of touching both these and select partners and other friends.In this way, we can enjoy lots of touching and physical contact and still define some special sexual activities for special people in our lives. If you wish to find out more, call me at 1-888-295-8500. Man to Man is a private men's group based on tantric concepts. Tantra is an exciting and effective path to integrate our sexual desires and spiritual self. Benefits of Tantra The following is edited from the article by Robert Frey,"Benefits of Tantra". * Tantra, the ancient sacred approach to sexuality, has much to offer modern men and women. Tantric teachings are both a spiritual approach to sexuality and a sexual/sensual approach to spiri tuality. * Tantra offers easy, effective, reliable methods for meditating, quieting the mind, and reaching positive states of consciousness.

* Substantial healing of most sexual problems is a common side benefit of practicing Tantra. Relief and often com plete resolution can happen for men who prematurely ejaculate as well as for those who would simply like to last longer; there is also relief for men who suffer from performance anxiety. * Couples who have been in relation ship or marriage for many years and have lost the sexual ’’spark" often regain it through Tantra. * Tantra offers a marvelous and satisfy ing resolution to the age-old dilemma of "Should I have sex (even though it does n't feel right for me) to keep this per son's love and interest, or should I say No' and risk losing the connection and the romance?" * Practicing Tantra is wonderful for developing self-love, confidence, and trust in oneself, both sexually and in a more total sense. Learning to know and command how energy and awareness move through one's Body can be both delightful and very empowering. * The techniques of Tantra teach lovers to guide their sexual energy from their heart, to meet in heart-centered, honor ing ways. * The practices also allow trained prac titioners to make love and explore shared bliss states for hours at a time. It's not unusual for a Tantric love making session to last two to four hours, or even more. The experience is usually both relaxing, invigorating, and mutual ly satisfying. * For women the Tantric experience is more multi-orgasmic and more satisfying than with typical Western sex (usually over all loo soon!

T A N T R A R ES O U R C E LIST COMPILED BY MARC HABERMAN

BOOKS.

The Essential Tantra, Kenneth Ray Stubbs, and Male Erotic Massage, Kenneth Ray Stubbs both publ. by Sacred Garden Publ. 1-888-845-8400 Encyclopedia of Sacred Sexuality, by R.C. Camphausen Anal Pleasure and Health, Jack Morin The Gay Kama Sutra, Colin Spencer Ecstasy. Robert A. )onnson Ecstasy Through Tantra, Dr. Jonn Mumford The Tantra Experience by Osho (out of print) The Multi-Orgasmic Man, Mantak Cnia & Douglas Abrams, Arava, Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy, Mantak Chia fit Michael Winn Science of Breath, Yogi Ramacharaka, The Art of Breathing, Nancy Zi Rebirthing: The Science of Enjoying All of Your l ife, jim Leonard & Phil Luut Centering and the Art of Intimacy, Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks VI DEOS: Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy Tantric Massage, K Ray Stubbs (1-888-845-8400) Fire on the Mountain, Evolutionary Masturbation, and Uranus Massage, all by joe Kramer (1-800-432-3767) M U SI C Kama Sutra, Soundtrack Peace Through Music, Soundings of the Planet Sorcerer, Michael Stems (ambient music) Se< rets of Life Devotion, Rasa I he Prayer Cyt It, lonathan Lilas Lave is Space, Deva Premul Essence, Deva Premul Between Father Sky and Mother Earth, Peter Kater fir Carlos Nakai Symphony No. T, Gorecki Passion. Peter Gabriel Aria New Horizon. Aria Shri Rum, Robert Gass Pilgrim Heart, Krishna Das Healing Earth Erotic Oils, Marc Haberman, 520 881-4582 Tantra Workshops and private sessions by Marc Haberman, BA , MT 1-888-295-8500 Tucson, AZ

n the village of Yailn, on a sunny south-facing hillside above majestic Lake Teletskoye, it's pretty hard to believe this is Siberia. Clearly, in this case, "Siberian" is just a handy geo graphical reference for a territory twice the size of the U.S., stretching across lush mountain valleys, steppes, boreal forests, and tundra. I just happen to be at the southern fringe, where the latitude, landscape, and climate are quite similar to Montana. Summer is lush . . .but seasons change... First snow graces the mountain ridges Overcasi skies speak of changing seasons A time for going inside lighting the fire letting it crackle and pop and drying my tears But you know, the birds haven't stopped singing Through the gentle autumn rain they sing a song of joy and bewilderment Bread bakes in the wood-fired oven fills the thick-walled cottage with aromatic bliss

CAY

M ORE THAN

embraced." I want to say it, but I don't. Being in a far corner of Siberia can alter one's perspective. The way I feel here is how I feel when I go back to my roots in rural North Carolina. It's like the sexual part of me never existed. All around me, people show absolutely no hint of sex iness and I feel that I don't either. I'm in bliss, yes-playing the guitar, creating poems, even writing songs — yet sexual expression seems to have been forgotten, put away some place deep within. Then again, there was this one encounter.

Night before last, I visited with two professional photogra phers in this isolated village of about 100 people, surround ed by wilderness. The concentration of intelligent, creative, worldly people is extremely high here. The Soviet government sent them here because they needed smart, reliable folks to run the tremendous nature reserve here-one of more than a hundred such reserves that are scattered throughout the former Soviet Union.

S I B E R I A

H O W I FU C K A N D W IT H W H O M .' BY LEAF

I shudder with the first sip of strong black tea warmed from within as clouds descend on the snowy ridge across the lake Yet I sit amidst green orchards of apple and pear abundant food from earth up to heaven I love you. I love you, my friend t fall asleep again after I rise to greet the diffused light of dawn M y sleep carries me to sweet places I hug you, embrace you warm and naked Your touch is as real as it was in the summer that hot summer morning in your cool, air-conditioned bedroom when your skin felt so soft, so warm.

' These kinds of friendships between men may be prohibited in this society, but I live in a place where this is accepted,

So here we are - on a lake backed by a thousand square miles of wilderness. W e sit in a quaint log cabin filled with green houseplants and pretty linoleum floors with chic rugs. Jazzy, heart-opening, soft dramatic songs of winter are play ing on a portable CD player, as we watch one slide of splen did natural beauty blend into a close-up of icicles that look like penises, followed by a shot of an athletic, well-built man skiing across a forested glade in bright winter sun. Our hosts for this suave entertainment extravaganza - two MEN. One is a bit bear-like, good natured, heavy beard. The other has a heavy beard also but he's thin . He has a sexy butt in those blue jeans. Both of them speak gently - like a kind doctor with big strong hands who says, "N ow - cough!" It's late. There are three other foreigners with me watching this slide show. W e're all tired and we have to get up early to continue our construction of an environmentally-sensitive, stateof-the-art composting toilet for the future visitors' center. I want so much to stay and talk with this friendly, sexy pair. "Can we get together tomorrow?" I ask as my fellow Americans yawn. 20

"Tomorrow, we leave for 14 I left my sex drive at the door with my days of work in the Taiga,' boots. says the bear. Junior sat down to do his homework imagine how and directed me to the television set. I they'll scare the animals. I see had just enough time to ask him if he the bear mounting the thin, was Sasha's son and get a nod in shapely one, nasty grins, gri response before his dad appeared. maces and grunts. I hear one "Shall we have tea?" saying to the other, "Yeah,, I followed him to the kitchen. W e sat fucker! Call me FAGGOT!" down while the kettle heated and I "Nasty fuckin faggot! YEAH! began to tell him how much I appreci ated his creative expression through Take this dick, puss^boy!" I can only imagine the expres photography. He smiled modestly but said little. Within five minutes his wife sions they'll use in Russian. appeared. She seemed caught off "Bread?" The skinny one, guard to see a guest in her kitchen, Sasha, is calling my namebut she quickly was at ease and sat the Russians' w ay of pro down with us. nouncing Brad, my given "W hat do you do in America?" name. Eventually the question always comes "Huh?" I come back to the but I'm never quite ready. She was here and now. smiling and friendly, but still I always "Could I have your address?" clench my anus when that question he asks, smiling. comes. I'm getting better at answering "Oh, sure." I scribble my address on the back of one of the photos I carry around with it, though. me as gifts. It's me on my 30th birthday, smiling, petting a "I do what my heart calls me to do," I said. (I learned to say this in Russian the day I landed in Moscow a month before.) dog, half-reclining on my side, wearing only a sarong. Silence, then, "Well — do you have a profession?" "See you later," I say. And I mean it. Next morning Sasha comes to the house where I'm staying, "I have many professions. Every day, it can be something to ask if he and Sergei can catch a ride with us across the new." lake on our way to visit a beautiful waterfall. That way, we They look at each other. They don't know what to think of me. can drop them off to begin their two weeks' work in the for Then, the burning question, "W hat about your family?" God, here we go. I've practiced fielding this one too. est. "I don't think we'll be going today," I overhear my host say. "You are my family. I have family everywhere I go on the earth." "The weather is just too questionable." M y heart speeds up. Yes, I'll attempt to sit alone with them Again they smile and laugh - like they are waiting for me to say I'm just joking and give them the 'real' answer. But sever tonight and get the full story. I walk into the foyer where Sasha stands with my hosts, and al seconds of silence and they know I'm not joking. Clearly politely invite myself over for tea that evening. He says that they are intrigued. "But what about a wife? Children? Fascinated as they may will be fine, but his facial expression remains neutral. As arranged, I showed up at Sasha's house that evening be, they need some frame of reference that they can under before he and Sergei, the friendly bear, were to leave on stand. their photography expedition. The house appeared dark. I'd Just in case I don't get the point, Sergei, who has now joined just seen Sergei earlier that evening and he'd said he would us, tries to clarify this pressing question. "Are you married or are you alone?" be coming by too. ("Yes," I thought, "3-way!") The house only appeared dark because I was looking into "I'm not married and I'm not alone," I say with a smile. "As I the foyer, not the living area. (Foyers are necessary in Siberia already told you, I have family everywhere I go and you are because of the cold and mud. Generally the living area lies part of it." behind two thick, tightly-sealed doors.) Out of the dark, the I feel no resentment or defensiveness in my heart as I say this inner door opened and a silhouette came to let me in. To my I know I am telling the truth. Then, I add one more gentle reminder, one that I've become fond of saying while I've surprise, it was a young boy of about 12 years old. been in Russia these past 5 weeks: "Ummm. . . is Sasha here?" "Ahh. . . he'll be here soon," the kid says with a snaggle- "If I had a wife and children at home, I would not be sitting at your table now.” toothed lisp. continued on pg 33

It's been a long two years I have just celebrated my thirfyI third birthday, but many days it feels much more like it was my sixty-sixth. M y health has never been quite at one hundred per cent. Even as a child I always seemed to catch the flu or cold that was around. Several summers were spent recovering or laid up in an oxygen lent because my cold had turned to pneumonia I believe I was about age five when I experienced my first syncope spell. M y mother was blow-drying my hair and I fainted dead away for unknown reasons. Through my youth I had many dealings with bronchitis and the flue, but other than these common childhood illnesses, I also continued to have the syn cope spells whenever my body was under high levels of stress. This continued up through high school and my service in the United States Navy. It wasn't until I was age twenty-six that things started to turn for the worse. I began to have syncope spells more regularly, then daily. That was when the seizures started. I was starting to steadily gain weight, and my sleep apnea began to cause me serious sleep issues, which did not help the seizures either. It took three years, but we did find the cause of the seizures to be from oxygen deprivation. I had surgery for the apnea, but that was only a temporary help. W hat we did not know yet was that my apnea was also worsening due to my enlarged

When I felt my neck I found a lump about the size of a dime. It was only after having the masses removed that the doctor found that I had thyroid cancer, which had metastasized, to my lymph system. I had a radical thy roidectomy that was supposed to be a three-hour operation. Twelve and a half hours later I awoke on a respirator in the intensive care unit. To shorten a long story, I will say that I underwent two additional hospitalizations for radioactive therapy. M y cancer increased after both treatments. My cancer was now throughout my lymph system and my lungs. It was now two thousand and two. M y weight had gone from around two hundred and forty to over three hun dred and sixty, my apnea was to the point of requiring a permanent tra cheotomy, and I had had about enough. I choose to have weight reduction surgery instead. I was told I could expect to loose about one hun dred and fifty pounds over the following eighteen months. I lost one hundred and fifty-five pounds in five months, and my digestive system shut down completely. I was far too close to death. After great care from my life mates, family, and friends I was able to recov er from my present condition. W e got my plumbing going again, cared for my surgical site ulcers that covered seventy percent of my remaining stomach, and put almost forty pounds back on. It was now the spring of two thousand and three. I reluctantly underwent further cat scans at my doctor's request. I was informed that they showed five masses that were most likely thyroid cancer. I almost left things as they were, but one of the masses had gone under my breastbone and infiltrat ed a major vein, and one mass was directly on my carotid

SCARS BY K EN N ETH H O O P E R T -F R IS B Y thyroid putting pressure on my throat, in addition to the steady weight gain. The compounding conditions continued to feed off each other, and then the final straw. I was diagnosed with cancer in ninety-eight. It was on a road trip to Short Mountain Sanctuary for the Beltane celebration of ninety-eight when I was steadily becoming more irritated by my seatbelt hurting my shoulder.

artery, which could greatly increase my chance of an early passing. My physicians wanted me to have them removed and I did. They removed a dozen masses nine of which were can cer. The operation was another twelve hours and has scarred me from ear to ear and neck to belly button. They did have to open my chest and the recovery was long and very painful. I spent from May until August recovering from that surgery and Continued on Pg. 32

exual healing has a long and distinguished tradition, up to and including being the name of Marvin Gaye's last great record. But the term ’sacred intimate* has a very specific and recent origin. It was coined by Joseph Kramer, who was the founder of the Body Electric School of Massage in Oakland, Calif In 1987 Joe Kramer created a pioneering weekend workshop called ’Celebrating the Body Erotic,’ teaching the basic principles of tantra, conscious breathing, and Taoist (non

associated with it in any way. So he met with a corporate image consultant in the Bay Area, and they came up with the designation "sacred intimate,’ which first appeared in public in 1991, when Joe Kramer offered the first Sacred Intimate train ing, an eight-day workshop specifically devoted to helping interested gay men develop their skills as sexual healers. (Both John Ballew and I attended that workshop.) At that time a big part of sacred intimate work, in the training and in real life, had

SACRED IN TIM ATE AN IN T E G R A T IV E A P P R O A C H TO S E X U A L H E A LIN G B Y P O N SH EW EY

ejaculatory) erotic massage to groups of gay men across the country, largely in response to the fear and sex-phobia that the AIDS epidemic generated. A charismatic teacher and erotic visionary, Kramer decided in 1990 to develop a week-long intensive retreat for graduates of the weekend workshop. When the first one was held at W ildwood, a gay retreat cen ter near the Russian River in northern California, he half-jokingly called it the Sacred Prostitute Summer Camp He was inspired by what he’d heard and read about the tradition of the sacred prostitute or temple whore, which dates back to pre-Christian times. These were people - men and women, although historical references mostly refer to women who were available for sexual encounters in ritual space as selfless service or spiritual practice. Joe Kramer would say, ’ These are the people you go to when you want to have sex with G o d .’ Nancy Qualls-Corbett wrote a very good book called The Sacred Prostitute, published in 1988, that details the historical and anthropological documentation on this tradi tion and how it worked in several cultures. Joe Kramer found, though, that most people had nega tive reactions to the word "prostitute" and didn't want to be

to do with being midwives to the dying - tending to the body, mind, spirit, and erotic energy of friends who were preparing to leave their bodies. Since that time, the concept of sacred intimate work has slowly but steadily entered the culture as Body Electric gradu ates began to offer their services professionally as sacred inti mates. I did a Google-search the other day and came up with about 100 listings for men and women who call themselves professional sacred intimates, some but not all of them Body Electric graduates. W hat does a sacred intimate do? I like to say that sacred intimates combine the roles of priest, prostitute, and psychother apist. In other words, they approach sexuality with the under standing that it’s related to soul work and to spirituality. They use mindfulness and integrity to help people identify, embrace, and practice desire as holy, sexual embodiment as an expres sion of the soul. They hold the body as sacred and view erot ic energy as a crucial component of human life and spiritual health. Their primary intention is that of healing - and by heal

ing I mean not just addressing the wounds to the spirit and the flesh caused by sexual abuse addiction, or disease but also acknowledging that the fun and the pleasure the vitality and the divine mystery of sex have nourishing properties in and of themselves. That's a message that easily gets lost in a culture that is as ambivalent or sex-negative as ours. A lot of people who are sex workers and sexual surro gates are sacred intimates, but not all of them. Sex workers can

a clinical psychologist, and they often use the same skills and techniques that sacred intimates do, working with breath and presence and sensate focus. One major difference is that most sexual surrogates are women who work with heterosexual men, whereas Body Electric-trained sacred intimates are primarily men who work with men. Also, surrogates work specifically with sexual disorders within a medical model. Sacred intimates may or may not treat dysfunctions, and they generally work

be mercenary - they're in it for the money. And often their clients like it that way, because they just want to get off as soon as possible. I don’t judge that as wrong or bad - it just lacks the healing dimension of sacred intimate work. I think about the line in Luis Bunuel’s film Belle dujour where Catherine Deneuve asks her husband to explain the concept of brothels to her. He says, "You find a beautiful woman, you spend half an hour with her, and you’re depressed for the rest of the day.” A sacred intimate is something else - someone you're transformed by, or with whom you have an experience of unconditional love that changes you. Sacred intimacy has a relationship to sex therapy as it developed in the second half of the 20th century with the work of Masters & Johnson and Helen Singer Kaplan, who per formed a great service by bringing accurate information about sex to the American public and developed effective treatments for sexual disorders. Surrogates are trained to interact with patients who have sexual dysfunctions, under the supervision of

from a wellness perspective, not fixing problems but encourag ing and expanding sexual joy. Although it would seem like psychotherapy is the field most appropriate for sexual healing, in practice many psy chotherapists are terrified of dealing with sexuality, either because they have their own unresolved sexual conflicts or they are afraid of legal liabilities How often do psychotherapists acknowledge that they themselves have sex lives1- How often do they share information about erotic resources or facilitate detailed explorations of masturbation or sexual fantasies? Today psychotherapists are intensely focused on boundaries and shy away from sexuality lest they be perceived as provocative, seductive, or harassing. However, it’s possible that deflecting or avoiding sexual issues reinforces shame and cultural repression Every person in the healing professions brings a different set of tools based on his or her training, experience, and per sonality. Same goes for sacred intimates. No two of us work exactly the same way. For me, when I first heard Joe Kramer

loll^ about sacred prostitutes, he made it sound like the noblest calling in the world. Hearing him spin out his fantasy of the vocation called 'sacred intimate,' I recognized in his words a description of myself that I d never heard before. It pulled together my childhood as a Catholic altar boy some kind of temple slave operating behind the scenes of the Mass, carry ing props for the ritual priest - with my experience of faking care of close friends as they got sick and died, as well as my long history of committed domestic partnerships with lovers, not to mention my enthusiastic career as an exhibitionistic connoisseur of communal reveling in sex clubs. Joe Kramer s talk about sacred intimates connected the dots, and I got a picture of my destiny.

priest, and since I began I don’t feel entirely complete unless I've said my daily Mass, performed my daily ceremony of anointing a man's body on the altar of my massage table and receiving the blessing of flesh and blood made holy - made whole - by the ritual of touch and prayer. Give us this day our daily bread. After a few years of doing bodywork, I wanted to get more skillful about handling the emotional issues that massage clients showed up with, and I eventually undertook a four-year clinical fellowship and got trained as a gestalt psy chotherapist. With its intrinsic focus on body-awareness, tracking the breath, and con centrating on what's happen ing right here right now, gestalt work was perfectly compatible with my massage and sacred intimate training. So I've developed parallel practices as an erotic masseur and a psychothera pist. I don’t call all the work that I do sacred intimate work, though I do approach all my clients with a sacred intimate perspective. There is a big over lap between therapy and erotic bodywork, and that's what I consider sacred intimate work. I’ve come to understand that much of the healing that takes place in sacred intimate work happens on very, very sim ple levels. Simple, nurturing touch is so important. Touch that includes genital touch plus breath plus presence feels like acceptance. Giving permission is a big part of sacred intimate work. It's about giving permission to receive pleasure, to feel your whole body, to speak desires, to bring consciousness to sex and touch, to live your spirituality without blocking your sex uality and vice versa, to be seen naked, to see another man naked. All these are opportunities to heal shame, isolation, erotic malnutrition, and touch deprivation. Sacred intimates can help people keep their erotic bod ies alive in a long and loving but sexless marriage. I’m thinking of a man named Derek who came to see me, who's been in a relationship with another man for 22 years. They've never had a sexual relationship because his partner is not into it. N ow at the age of 55, Derek is starting to feel the deficit of not living out his sexuality. He took a Body Electric workshop last summer and found it exhilarating, but he found that he ejaculated almost immediately, without even feeling it, as soon as some one touched his cock. His only sexual experience had been

Many guys, especially those who identify as married or het erosexual, have strong desires to experiment sexually with men. Because these fantasies have been strongly repressed, they consumed a huge amount of energy.

I got trained as a massage therapist and began doing Body Electric-style erotic massage pro fessionally. When I started out, I was thrilled to take off my clothes to go to work. I loved observing men’s sexuality, encouraging it, celebrating it, admiring it, indulging it, extending it. I wanted to make up for the culture's lack of encouragement of gay men's sexuality and self-esteem. I began to understand that my desire to have sex with someone is often profoundly transper sonal. Not impersonal. Impersonal would mean it didn,t matter who the person was - I'm just using them like a Kleenex to shoot my wad into. But transpersonal means actually having the experience of, it sounds so corny to say, but AAAKING LOVE TO GOD through having sex with a person. In other words, when I have sex with someone who's not my intimate partner, if I have any consciousness about it, I'm choosing to have sex with the spark of divinity that he is. In that sense, sex is a form of prayer, no less precious for being abundant. I know that this concept became part of my experience through Body Electric work I wanted to add to the amount of pleasure experienced in the universe. I wanted to make love, with my hands - literally, like making a loaf of bread. I wanted to pitch in to the communal ocean of love and in doing so receive what I needed, exactly like the Christian concept of communion. The exchange was not personal and quid-pro-quo but symbolic and transpersonal. The feelings were no less real for being generated by a symbolic action. I wanted to be a sexual Good Samaritan ~ make love unto others as you would have them make love unto you. And that's what I act out with my clients on a daily basis, a symbolic act of communion. Body Electric made me a sex

masturbating as quickly as possible to get it over with. I did a couple of sessions with him working on his breathing, moving energy around his body, and he was able to hang out much longer in a high erotic state without squirting or squelching his erotic energy. He left transported with joy. In my practice I see a lot of men whose stories are a vari ation on Derek's. They're getting to be middle-aged and they're looking for adult sex education, or erotic mentorship. This is an area sacred intimates are well-suited to address. Many guys, especially those who identify as married or heterosexual, have strong desires to experiment sexually with men. Because these fantasies have been strongly repressed they consumed a huge amount of energy. In a sacred intimate session, a middle-aged married guy can try out his fantasy of sucking cock or getting fucked and often will discover that the fantasy plays better than the reality. And they can learn this not by having bad or painful sexual encounters with strangers but by exploring consciously with a sacred intimate, experimenting playfully with simulated butt-fucking or verbal fantasy or having the actual experience of being naked with another man and checking out the true extent of his desires. Would he rather suck a hard cock, or would he rather fantasize about sucking a hard cock? Sometimes the reality is physically unpleasant, and sometimes it simply triggers too many fears to be pleasurable - the two biggest being fear of disease and fear that if he likes sex with men, that means he’s gay and he'll have to leave everything he cherishes in his life behind and get his nipples pierced. I’m thinking of Alfred, a twice-married man with grown children. He desperately wants physical contact with men, but he tends to go about it in a way that is guaranteed to be frustrating. He refuses to name desires, saying instead that he wants to surrender to another man. But what that means is sur rendering consent - a recipe for violation. So then he can dis own his desire and blame the other person: I didn't want it, he forced me. He told me that when he was in his 30s he was coerced into sex once with his uncle, a Catholic priest, and once with a friend of his uncle’s. I was curious about this, since a man in his 30s is well past the age of consent. It turns out that he grew up in a traditional Italian family and his older brother tormented him from an early age whenev er he showed signs of being soft or sensitive, his brother would say, "Don't you be a faggot!" This told me a couple of things. From an early age, Alfred's permission to say yes to his gay desires was taken away from him, and that took away his no as well, leaving him him to internalize his brother's homophobia, which manifests by disdaining gay men who aren't "straight-acting" and advising his gay son not to go around telling people he's gay. Some of the work w e’ve done together has been about supporting him

in naming desires in an inhabited, emotionally authentic way - Td like you to be naked' as opposed to 'Nudity is appropri ate." I've also worked with him to increase his ability to tolerate naming desires, postponing the need to attach identity to sexu al feelings or behavior and giving him permission to play in an erotic zone and really experience it directly. When that hap pened, his need/desire for intensely sexual contact diminished, and he discovered that a big part of his yearning is simpiy for another man to be nice to him (which is what he didn't get from his father or his brother). Exploring anal pleasure is another task for sacred inti mates. Many heterosexually identified men are curious about anal pleasure and long for a safe playground to explore. Plenty of gay men, too, have apprehensions about buttplay, based on fear of disease or bad experiences with insensitive lovers As one client said to me in an email, My first gay experiences were with my friend Steven who had a huge dick and he need ed attention. He used to fuck me and rip me apart - no real lube, just a little saliva. It has taken me years to get over the pain association." M y extensive training and experience as an erotic masseur has equipped me with the information and abil ity to bring men through their fears at their own pace to arrive at the place where pleasure is available. So much of sacred intimate work has to do with adult sex education, sharing information and teaching. All of the clients I'm describing are people who did not and probably would not seek out clinical sex therapy, nor were they simply looking to get off. They mostly found me through the avenue of bodywork, and we developed a personal relationship that created a safe container for both of us to experiment with the sacred intimate work we do. For me, sacred intimate work is a constant dance between the sex-worker side of me, concentrating on healing through pleasure, and the psychotherapist, processing emo tional issues. And all this takes place within the context of my own grounded spiritual practice, a consecrated ritual space, and my own sense of purpose, to wake people up to the joy of life in a body. I want to live in a world that honors and sup ports sexual freedom, erotic abundance, and healing through pleasure. And certainly one of my essential supports is cieat ing and experiencing community with people who are willing to join this conversation. Don Shewey is a therapist, bodyworker, and sacred intimate in New York City who specializes in erotic mentoring and intimacy coaching. He can be reached at DShewey@compuserve.com. This article is adapted from a talk delivered at the First National LGBTI Health Summit in Boulder, Colorado, in August 2002.

"....you're un ugly fuckin' fag, UncieFucker... you d on ’t ta t or Shit or Look at porn... you just Fuck your Uncle all day long..." O - ooops • HEY! oh - HI FOLKS! Binky here - just singin my fave version of SouthPark s "UncleFucker" song - such a catchy toon... I'm writing you from Rosie d .s body here in Breukelen (that's the olde spelling stoopid!) ■ cuz THAT asshole is too lazy to write on time for this mag - and he was gonna write some stoopid shit about TANTRIC REIKI...so just go to his website = www tantric-reiki.com if you can - so we can get on with this....

WAIT! What.; Who the HELL am 1/ Who's ME? WHAT am me?

mas long past - but CHEER UP! I’m Here - aren't you GLAD = GAY = feeling SAFE? no? ’Cuz i’m here to point you to your own INNER W HACKO search him/her out...play with her/him - they will show you the REAL YOU - by allowing you to LET Go of your tight HOLE = EGO...to laugh w ith/at yourself - and let that inner shaman take you back to your past when necessary to see what you did - or what someone did to you - that you forgot - BUT buried in your body...psycho-the-rapists call this "regressing" - 1just call it G O IN G BACK - 'cuz I'm all about the back end (hence show ing up thru this famous asshole...ho ho ho)... So you may ask - hey, BINKY - How do I find my INNER WHACKO?

B IN K Y SEZ: LET OUT Y O U R IN N ER W HACKO! BY R O SIE D.

BINKY is my name & Inner Whacko is my game...I guess you can say I’m the happy, well-adjusted inner clown that could care 2 SHITS about the insanity that the EGO calls Reality...oh yeah I appear real Stoopid (emphasis on "appear")...as we say "STOOPID CLOW NS 4 STOOPID TIMES!" I'm a FREAK (as tho you ain't) that is in real tight with this fey qween you call Rosie d. - so tight you can call me his ALTAREGO; so we hang together a lot - and play together when he lets me OUT (especially in front of the ever-appalled Keisha Lo Mean)...and sometimes I help Rosie d. when he needs some deeeep inner shit (you know - the karrnic type) re-arranged - as in when his life has gotten into a twitter - I get to show up and take him back to some early childhood stoopidity that caused some emotional fucked-upedness and created some twist in his anus causing him drama N O W . .For some reason - his overblown EGO won t allow him to feel those past pains - so me the stoopid clown - gets to save the day — WFOOOPEEEE! It’s the same old story with us clowns = that we often have trou ble accessing hidden emotions buried in our bodies from trau-

How the hell should I know? I'm just a stoopid clown... Rosie d., like some kind of sexwitch, conjures me up through some mix of pot, sex, and mirrors - more like intense j/ o - cuz I like sex and I like always showin' up for cum...but I digress...or you can call me out - but I'm shy and often don't want to show face cuz everyone laughs at me - or are sooo scared cuz I say things in a way they do not like - oh okay maybe I’m a little manic sometimes...but I MEAN WELL...and always remember "All meaning is applied!" - just like whatever meaninq you're applyinq to your readinq RIGHT N O W !!! HELLLOOOoooo!!! Where were we - I do ramble on - oh yeah, conjuring your inner whacko. Do whatever works for you - you're all faeries, for goddess sake, you won’t do whatever some stoopid clown tells you to do anyway. You all have your own - what do you call it? oh yeah - your PROCESSsssss. So do THAT till you get to a condition beyond your head (don't lose your mind tho') into your body - hence the SEX thing helps Rosie d. - and it

helps to be in a safe space - like with a close friend - or in your bedroom - or in ritual play - and you can fool around and play...play tricks on yourself - or make funny faces into a mirror - or maybe just call out for your inner clown to appear...I DON'T K N O W - maybe just jump up and down on your bed till it breaks - and let out that fool locked within that can show you yourself in a way you never dreamed possible.... cuz you gotta let go completely of the notion 'sane" to understand those moments when you a n d /o r everything around wasn't... And go back - and let your inner whacko show you how whacky you are for trying to be sane when all was whackiness around you and you had no way of coping other than the insanity you contrived to handle that moment in order to literal ly or emotionally stay alive...here's an example: Last winter Rosie d. royally pissed off a couple of close friends (names withheld to protect the innocent) by taking advantage of their generosi ty (he had access to their groovy manscattan pads) and did some stoopid things without asking them if he could do these stoopid things (descriptions of these actions with held for sake of brevity and to l e s s e n embarrassment).. .sooooo .. .what happens next you may wonder.... After hearing the anger he conjured by his stooopid actions, Rosie d. twirls off into inner drama and decides to queery the spirits inhab iting his world (fey ancestors and orishas in this case) about his stooopid actions - and lo and behold - out pops BINKY - me that is (you're supposed to applaud now = WHEEEeee!) So we go on a trip together - Rosie and me - well, actually, I have to take over and drag Rosie back in time - this time it was to when Rosie was a scared little pansy-assed sissy growing up in a sex-free zone called his bio logical family and didn’t quite understand all those raging hor mones and boners he got as a teenager - sooo desperate was he in this situation that once he uncovered a pile of porn in his neighbor's bedroom (name withheld - why? = righto whacko -

see how quick you are to think like me?)...soooo what happens next? and again? and again? Rosie sneaks into the neighbor's room to snitch (and return) the Hustler's and Cheri's (Playboy's were boring to Rosie) that were stacked in this musty 3 foot high pile...go home and beat off...O f course, this could only hap pen when both families were away...a rare event...but when it happened - WHAAAMO - Rosie got his porn! One time he even found a PlayGIRL and got sooo excited (and later dis turbed) - that he kept that one for ...or did he ever return it?...or just throw it out in a guilty fit?.... So you see,,, by taking him back to then - I got to show Rosie that he started taking advantage sneaking what he didn't get at home from the "generosity-' of friends...and he also realized that whenever he's alone at home (not easy with 3 roommates!) - his first inclination is to go for some porn and j/ o - N O W DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU? So there = HA! That's w hat I showed that crazy queen (that he had created a whole set of behaviors that were set in an early life experience that he couldn't understand - but that fit THAT moment due to his emotion al neediness - but that doesn't match his current situation). W h a t a clown Rosie d. can be!...and that's what this INNER W H A C K O did just one time for this wacky whacko....and so you may laugh at Rosie d. - but you know - he's let out his INNER W H A C K O - so you can laugh at him - he can laugh at him - and I can laugh WITH him...and we've all done stoopid shit in our past in our present - and will do in our futures...and how will YOU come to know and understand the roots of that wacky behavior - so you can get a grip on your life, emo tions, and ways of co p in g ...in other words: How sane are you about your own insanity? So long for now kids...BINKY signing off with... " ...s h u t y o u r f i r k i n ' f a c e , U n c l e lu c k e r . . . . y o u 'r e a s t o o p id s le a z y p ig , U n c le F u c k e r ....

/ participated in a N araya at W o lf Creek Sanctuary several

up a shingle and are considered that and looked upon as that

years back It was an auspicious event for several reasons: it

all the time by all the people. You are just a man or woman of

was the first such event to be held at W o lf Creek; secondly, it

the people, until you are called upon.

was the first socalled "twccspirit" N araya; and, finally, both

Buffy: / suppose what Tm wondering is how you came into your

Harry Hay and John Burnside were in attendance. It was here

own, so to speak.

that I met Clyde Hall, the "keeper” of the N araya dance. The

Clyde: Many years ago, I prayed to Spirit and said, "I place

honor he showed both Harry and John as some o f the first (if

my life in your hands, lead me to good and wonderful things.'

not fhe first) Radical Faerie movers and shakers, touched me. I

Buffy: Currently, you are the "keeper " o f the N araya dance.

felt as if some sort o f marriage was taking place between our

W hat is the N araya? And what makes it a healing ceremony?

Faerie subculture and the cultures that hold the Naraya.

Clyde: The Naraya is an age old practice of the Great Basin

Clyde is a large and everpiesent person in this world, but

Native People. It has been called many names... The songs are

there is always a sense that he simultaneously walks beyond

very ancient, going back perhaps thousands of years. They are

this w orld in Spirit. He inhabits the “in-between" in so many

true songs of the people who inhabited the vast area of high

ways, always maintaining humor, but never at the expense of

deserts and the Rocky Mountains of this country. Within this

reverence for the old traditions that have been passed on to

Naraya world of nature the songs deal with the creatures of the

him. W ith six different Narayas to oversee througout the year,

earth, plants, rocks, mountains, stars, fog, snow, sun, water, all

and a "regular jo b " at home, he is a busy man. Though his

the things that sustain and balance the people of this earth.

"spiritual“ work is never done, he always maintains his place

Buffy: Is the N araya a ritual or a ceremony? Is there a differ

among his people, which includes the Faeries, as well as the

ence in these terms?

Two-Spirits, as well as his Europeandescent, as well as his

Clyde: Ritual to me is something that you do in a repeating

beloved Shoshone Tribe. For him, however, as we shall see,

manner, when we get up and have our coffee and comb our

these are all "boxes,

hair and brush our teeth. That is a ritual. Ceremony is some-

beyond which there is no separation.

STEPPING BEYON D TH E BOXES A N I N T E R V I E W W IT H C LYD E H A L L BY BU FFY A A KA A SH Buffy: Tell me about your role among the Shoshone People.

thing we do to mark a special event or occasion in our lives,

Clyde: In what era? I have played and served many roles with

usually with a group of people. Such as a wedding or gradu

the Shoshone Tribe, and with the people. It changes... It does not remain a constant Currently I am moving toward "elder"

ation. In terms of the Naraya or other ceremonies of the First

status .. The old men that I learned from said you do not come

being, of stepping info an altered in-between space. There are

into your own until around 5 0 years old.

many ways of doing this, of opening if up and stepping into it.

Buffy. I guess I mean your role as a healer?

Naraya is just one of many... In the languages of the First

Nations people, ceremony and doing of ceremony is a state of

Clyde: People have a concept of a Native American person

People, we have many phrases and words that cannot be trans

who follows a spiritual path. I think that concept is misinterpret

lated info English! They loose something, some of the power.

ed a great deal of fhe time1 I dislike the term 'medicine man"

But again, there is no set, pat definition and neat little box for

or 'medicine woman;" those are terms that fry and fit you into

these things!

a box! There are many terms in the Shoshone language to

Buffy: H ow does ancestral connection come into play with this

describe what a person does, spiritually. It is not like you hang

work?

Clyde:

American tribes had a term in their own languages. But present

Brittany French ancestry plays just as important a role in what I

personci'y believe that we are all connected

day's First Nation People wanted to find a term in English that

do and believe as does my Lemhi Shoshone ancestry.

they could call their own. In 1987. the term was coined that

Buffy So, no particular ancestry s necessary to practice 'earth-

best exemplifies this concept -

two-spirit.' In 1993, at the

based spirituality?

American

Clyde: Anyone that comes from people who practice, or ances

Washington, DC, we insisted that contemporary First Nations

tors that practiced, earth-based beliefs and spirituality has that

people be referred to as two-spirit" and the term 'Berdache'

Anthropological

Association

Conference

ancestral memory.

no longer be used Again it is the

Buffy: W hy the sudden inclusion

misinterpretation of culturally biased

o f non-native people? Are there

terms which favor non-native con

fears am ong

cepts of what Native American cul

other Shoshone

people about their inclusion?

ture should be!

Clyde: Most First Nations people

Buffy: H ow d id

say: Everything has been taken

into use then?

away but our spirituality, and

Clyde: The word must be met in a

now that is wanted also.' As the

historical context. W e First People

berdache

com e

colonial forces first came into

had

contact with Native people, they

which varied with each tribe. The

abhorred the practices of the

early explorers were French who

Native People. N ow if is good

made up the word based on an old

to practice "Native Traditions" to a certain extent. I think that what

Spanish word... Because they did

the people fear is that our ways

Buffy: A nd w hat is the cultural im por

of Spirit will be totally taken over

tance, if any, o f "two-spirit?"

many names for ourselves

not know what to call us!

and misused and misinterpreted

Clyde: In both old European and

by the predominant culture. There must always be guidelines

First Nations people of the Americas, there is a belief of the

and checks and balances when something so dear is shared.

great power of the in-between. Those beings or places that are

Buffy: W hat should be the main criteria for such guidelines?

neither fish nor fowl but a little of both! In both traditions, those

“Fire is an in-between thing! The Native peoples believe that it is alive, but inconstant. You can feel the heat and see the fire, and the fire has great power. There is an old Celtic spell of mak ing fire that goes like this: 'Come, anger of fire, Fire of oak, oak of knowledge, wisdom of wealth...'' Clyde: Any contemporary tradition that professes to follow the

beings or places have great spiritual power and are excellent

"old ways" and does not honor that belief system is not follow

conduits of that power!

ing the old ways at all! To be a true Native American practice,

Buffy: I'm having a hard time thinking )/ an t<xample o f an in-

it must be conducted and benefit the First people. In that way

betw een" in the o ld European tradition

it will benefit all concerned and involved - red, white, black,

Clyde: The examples of belief in natural elements are all ove:

and yellow.

the place in both European and Native American practices;

Buffy: There 's a lo t o f talk these days about "two-spirit.

W hat's

consider the concept and belief of fire, for example. Fire is an

the history here?

in-between thing! The Native peoples believe that it is alive, but

Clyde: The word two-spirit' is not an old word! Most Native

inconstant. You can feel the heat and see the fire, and the fire 31

SCARS

Continued from Pg. 22

has great power. There is an old Celtic spell of making fire that its related complications. This brings us to my true point of real goes like this: "Come, anger of fire, Fire of oak, oak of knowl ly beginning the healing process. edge, wisdom of wealth The fire was also called the I had been very sick for almost two years, and became quite depressed about my health, excess skin from the rapid "Dragons breath ' The concept of an "in-between' person hav ing great power and being a conduit of that power can also be weight reduction, my scarred body, and overall not very happy seen in the devotees of the Roman goddess Cybele, the galli, with myself. I decided it was time for a mental wellness vaca as well as the old time "two spirit' people of the Americas. So, tion; I needed some time for me. I had made the decision to rejoin our local Bear club, the Kansas City Cave Bears, and there are just serveral, of many examples! also to attend their yearly camp out at Camp Gaia called BITO Buffy: Who are the "First N ations " people you mentioned e a rli (Bears in the outdoors). I left filled with excitement, fear of rejec er? tion, concerns for my appearance, nervous of how my health Clyde: When I use "First Nations/ I use it inclusively for both would hold up, and pretty much generally filled with fear. I north and south America. Did you know that there are more arrived at BITO ready to camp for one, for I was leaving my hus Indians in South America and Mexico than in the north? W e bands of eight years at home. Jay did escort me out to the all have our own names: the Shoshone name is "Nu-wa,” mean camp and helped me set up, kissed me good-bye, and wished ing "the people,” for example. But we are all First Nations peo me a fun-filled weekend. He was very encouraging and hope ple from somewhere! Do you still retain the traditions of your ful I would find a nice bear to play with for the weekend. I was homeland? Or have you forgotten? Can you retrieve any of not so hopeful. I figured out very quickly the first day that after all I had your ancient forgotten knowledge that runs in each of our veins been through, the operations and the recovery, what I really and ancestral memory? needed was healing of the mind, my self-image, my esteem, Buffy: W hat is your spiritual work beyond the N araya? and I needed it much more than from any scars or aches and Clyde: The First People believe that your Spiritual work is part pains. I had a wonderful exposure to a Reiki Master by the of your everyday life! It is not reserved for a special occasion name of William who through his kind words, touch, and mag or time. nificent presence helped me realize that I could heal myself, and Buffy: H ow should non-native people approach earth-based my self-esteem. But, the person I have to thank most is a hand spirit work? some brown bear I met the first day named W ill. Clyde: Everything that you do in your eveiyday life is part of He has a smile that makes his whole face shine and it your Spiritual work... it is all interwoven... like a basket! did not take long for me to decide I wanted to get to know him Buffy: Has your prayer to Spirit been answered? better. W e were both shy and introverted. After several hours Clyde: Well, as I said, I asked to be led to many wonderful of flirting and following each other, we finally hit it off and real things, so the answer to that is, Yes! I have lived a remarkable ized quickly that we both liked what we were seeing. I spent life, and traveled to many wonderful places and countries, and the next four days in the wonderful company of this very gentle met good people of like mind. Spirit has taken care of me in so man who not only made me happy, but also made me feel many ways, even during the tough times," which we all have. beautiful, desirable, and appreciated for exactly who and what I was. I have played before, but never connected with another That is just being human. man like this since my husbands. He made me believe that I Buffy: Anything else you w ould like to say? was still alive, attractive to others, and happy, really happy. Clyde I guess that is it! I would like to add the words of Something I had not felt in a long time. Not that my boys don't Wovoka give me the same support and encouragement, but it did help You must not hurt anyone. You must not fight. to feel it from someone outside of my little world. I feel so Do right always. It w ill give you satisfaction in refreshed and I have made some great new friends from this life. whole experience. I have to thank W ill, and R. W . for sharing. Good working with you! I have to credit Jay and David for all their love and support. I Buffy It's been g o o d working with you. Thank you, C lyde... thank my friends, and family, but I thank myself most for listening and believing. Now I believe my true healing has begun. Kenneth R. Hoopert - Frisby lives in Overland Park, Kansas and is also known as Sr. Chastity Feel-Good with the Missionary Order of Perpetual Indulgence. 32

COMING

ISSUES

QUEfeR MUSIC

Gay in Siberia continued fromPg 21 'Spirit has chosen a path for me," I say. *l have to listen to my heart every day so that I may know where to go next. There is no design or model for me to follow. N o one has gone before me to show me the way.' Many people - the majority of people - are born into this life knowing exactly what life has in store for them. At a very early age they know they will one day go to college, then get married then have children so that their parents can have grandchildren. Then they grow old, see their chil dren become parents, retire and leave money for their grandkids when they die." M y Russian friends laugh with glee. I suppose they're delighted to hear their dreams put into words so simply, though a bit sarcastically. I continue, "I always felt that this wasn't the way for me to go. I knew the first time I heard that sc enario that it wasn't for me. And yet I tried so hard to fit their plan. College, career, and then . . . I threw it away. I dropped it all TO FOLLOW MY HEART. The secret is to follow my heart. When I listen to my heart, I cannot go wrong. So every day I get out of bed and I give thanks to spirit: Thank you for bringing me to Russia. Thank you for giving me such good food. I'm warm and dry, thank you. Then I ask, W hat now? Where do I need to be? AN D THE WAY OPENS And I step forward." You might think that the Russians, having heard such a recitation at their table, might be moved to tears. Not quite. But attentively they did listen. And perhaps as I sang them American ballads and new-age spirituals on the gui tar, they got a taste of the wonder and amazement with which I'm blessed to live. Whether or not they guessed that I love getting fucked in the ass, I may never know. Regardless, I left their home and stepped out under the Milky W ay knowing that being gay is so much more than how I have sex and with whom. Being gay, for me, means freedom to live beyond labels and to be a free spirit. Every day I can decide whether I want to be a writer, an artist, a musician, a translator, a gardener, an ecologist, a healer, a nude model, a porn actor, a sex worker . . . There's no limit to what I am or where I can be. Today - ecologist and translator in Siberia; tomorrow - writer and hands-on-healer in Key West.

The Spring 2004 RFD will pump your stuff, give you a beat and s ta rty o u r toes tapping. This is a golden opportunity for musicians to get their sounds in our fAes. W hether you make it, play it, arrangelt, review it, o r design it’s case - stfid it to us. DEADLINE FOR SUBMfeSIONS: I / 15/04

A look to the futurdVIf we have made it this far, how far will we haW gone 30 years from now? W hat skills, wha\technologies, what interpersonal perspectives will be needed to build our ever-broacrening future? DEADLINE FOR SUBMIS JONS: 4 /15/04

YOU TELL US N e x t Fall RFD celebrates it ’s 30th irthday. W e have lots o f ideas fo r such a them e, b u t vy w ant to hear ideas from you,too. In fact, if enough o1 you send in ideas we could build a year-long (4 issues) t eme sequence. W h a t eco-sexual, politically fru itfu l, o r s cio-queer battles are happening o u t there? W h a t stanc< should we Faeries be taking? H o w do we build allies? Z5 id w hat are w c N O T ommumdoing as Faeries to enable 01 ties to grow. You c a t^ fd fn th e d e tlite by jo im ii^ RFD’s C hat group. Y o i^ fm do that and s u l\m t your artii |e and ideas to o u i^e n a il address:

LEAF spent the summer of 2003 in Siberia. During his recent visit with us at Short Mountain Sanctuary he left us excerpts from his travel journal for this healing arts issue. He can be reached at k w s ib e ria n @ a o l.c o m o r ra w a h _ fo x @ y a h o o .c o m

DO IT NOW/ 33

P o etry

What Can Be Given (after jorie G raham ) Don't tell me your hands never found way into your body the way snow tucks itself under awnings, sends out a million grains of light below street lamps. You tell me it is never how it seems, that dead flowers are only waiting. When 1 dream of spiraling out of dark grey to white expanses, of feather being laid down, I think I might melt if your tongue held itself out for me like a gaping silence, a vessel of heat, an apex I would shout but for the shearing quiet of winter, how it cuts through us, a migration of always wanting more than provision, more than what can be given. It is immaturity on my part when I see Apollo passing through the fieldâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;ungolden and energetic, snow dissolving at each step, birds scattering like silver tips of arrowsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and can't decipher why he is there, why he is hunting the Stag with such fervency, such devotion. by Adam Coatney

After the War Your father died the year that you were born. And 1 was no less fatherless in time. That was, they say, the year that I went wrong. When Dad came crawling home I cried. You grew up strong and unafraid, Distant in your body's pride, Shining in my need and shame . . . They were at Khe Sahn that dark year. Could have been friends, as we are now. They could have shared the wasted fear. Now we've our share. You are my scar now, And I am yours. It's our dark year. We lie beside each other chaste as brothers And dream these final dream s about our fathers. Rex Mitchell

by Ed Minus

THE MAGAZINE THE PRESS ON THE W EB For 30 years Faeries have depended on RFD, the magazine, for insight into country and urban living. As the years have gone by, RFD Press has introduced our world to the writings and artwork of hundreds of Faeries. And now, you can find friends, connections, and resources for more than you realize.

B e c o m i n g A Pr e s e n c D e b a t i n g T he I s s u e s C ommunity

Visit us at rfdmag.org 35

Book Reviews

The Tragedy of Miss Geneva Flowers by Joe Babcock Closet Cast' Books 357 pages $15.95 Reviewed by: Steven LaVigne Probably the most exciting thing a reader (or a book reviewer) can discover is a new literary voice. Over the years, for me, these have included such now familiar gay writers as Ethan Mordden, George Whitemore and Felice Picano. I'm thrilled to add Joe Babcock to this list. Babcock's The Tragedy of Miss Geneva Flowers is a remarkable achievement for a first novel. A native of Minneapolis, Babcock relates the saga (his overcoming a personal tragedy) of Erick Taylor, a sixteen-year-old Catholic school student who, like all other teenagers, has parents who don't understand him. Struggling with coming out of the closet, I rick quits school and gets a job at the Uptown Mall, working at a sunglasses franchise. Mis boss is Chloe, a self-described "'grandiloquist' drag queen." By providing Frick with a new wardrobe, platform sh<x*s and a new hair color, Chloe helps him toward the path to find himself. Like many impressionable peo ple of his generation, Frick's journey includes experimentation in drugs, sex and drag, including addiction to crystal meth. A huge jolt of reality in Frick's relationship with Chloe leads him toward his responsibilities to himself and those he loves. The angst-filled teen and young adult novel have been with us for a half-century, with J. I). Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye being the best known. Still, the world that Babcock's Frick Taylor leads us into is far removed from Holden Caulfield's. So vividly painted are Babcock's portraits of "breaking a window," and the world of the young middle-class crack addict, that he not only voices his own experiences, for many readers he educates us as well. The realism Babcock presents goes beyond the usual "Movie of-the-Week" style of other, similarly-themed novels. The Tragedy of Miss Geneva Flowers is also told from the point of view of a young gay man, which strengthens its purpose. As stated previously, it's a pleasure to discover a compelling first novel, and this self-published effort by Joe Babcock is the most exciting one that I've read since Stephen McCauley's The Object of My Affection in 1987. 1 should also relate that while McCauley's follow-up works are disappointing, Babcock's exceptional talent leads me to believe that his next book will be as vivid an eye-opener as his excellent first effort. by Luc Milne

The S/M Kanch: An Erotic Novel__________ San Francisco: Leyland Publications (2001) 223 pages $16.95 (softbound) Reviewed by: Bluejay The S/M Ranch is an erotic fantasy trip that will have those who enjoy this kind of sex hunting for the lube for a LONG visit with "Randy palm and his five brothers." It is a story about four guys: Jessie, Will, Floyd, and Bud.

Jessie gets into trouble shoplifting. In order to keep himself out of jail, he signs a one-year contract with the Ranch. At the Ranch, he discovers his true self: that he is a true bottom. He enjoys every minute of this revelation. Will is a "kept boy" who steals his sugar daddy's car, credit cards, jewelry, and a great deal of cash. The car breaks down on the highway, and Will is taken to the Ranch against his will. There he discovers that he is a true top—but NOT a true S /m top, however. Fie finds that S/M appeals to him only because he is angry. What he really wants is love, and he finds that with Jessie. In this book, you will meet the Ranch staff, and enjoy their interactions w-ith the Ranch "stock" (the trainees). Bud and Floyd are security personnel who work for the Ranch as deliv erymen. They provide transportation for the young men in trouble who opt to go to the Ranch instead of to a correctional institution. They only have one problem: they like to sample the trainees before completing delivery. After being warned about this practice by the Ranch's Board of Directors, they end up as trainees themselves. It turns out that neither Bud nor Floyd are as straight as they declared. Surprise, surprise, sur prise! Bud discovers at the "S/M Diagnostic Clinic" that he is excellent slave material and a fantastic bottom. Floyd, on the other hand, discovers at the same "clinic" that he is not only a top but a true master as well. Matt and Rex arc the Ranch managers, or "top dogs," so to speak. It turns out that they are also lovers who discover that Will and Jessie have fallen happi ly in love with each other. The two decide to help Will and Jessie reconcile themselves to this fact, and offer them a perma nent place at the Ranch as paid staff members. Jessie calls The S/M Ranch "Fantasy Ranch," which Will answers this way: "Look, Jessie, you can call it 'Fantasy Ranch' if you want to, but the hard fact is that we're here to fuck or get fucked—in every sense of the word. And most of the guys I've been with have wanted their fucking hard and nasty. If I soft en up they'll kick me out. I've never told you this, but the Ranch is practically the first 'home' I've ever had. I've been in juvenile halls and orphanages and detention centers, and some of the things that happen here arc a lot like what happens in those places. But here I feel as if I belong somehow." The book closes with the "Round Up," a fantasy orgy, where we see Will lose it—and, in the process, publicly prove his love for Jessie. Jessie's cry of pain at the hands of his Ranch tormen tor, Hawk, finally galvanizes Will to save him. "Leave him alone!" Will shouts, as he throws Hawk to the ground and begins to kick him in his fury to protect Jessie. "Flurt him again and I'll kill you!" Will cries as he continues to kick Hawk. Will's reaction shocks the corral orgy into stunned silence; in an atmosphere where punishment and coercion are supposed to be simply fantasies, played out to unspoken rules of control and discipline, the intrusion of real violence is almost unthink able. Horse, one of the other managers, decides to take both Jessie and Will out of the orgy, and brings them to Matt and Rex. These two then decide to reveal that they are lovers, and explain how they stay together and run the Ranch. After this discussion, Will and Jessie go off alone to decide if they want to stay at the Ranch or depart to be on their own. Jessie leaves this decision up to Will, because all he wants is to be with Will and for Will to make some commitment to him. Jessie declares to Will, "I love you, Will. I'll do whatever you want. I'll never look at another guy, if that's what you want." Looking down at Jessie's pleading face, a hard glint came into Will's eyes. "It's 'Sir,' not 'Will.' When I use you hard and treat you rough, it's 'Sir.' 'Will' is for when I'm loving you up,

smooching you a little, treating you gentle. Understand?" Jessie wonders if Will will ever realize that, for him. the rough “Sir" and the gentle “Will" are one and the same; to Jessie s heart and mind, there is no difference between the two. Ah. “True Love"! Be sure and get the book and read it. It is definitely one you'll hate to put down. I hated for it to end. Hope there is a sequel!

Through It Came Bright Colors By Trebor Healey Haworth Press ( 200 3 ) 232 pages Reviewed by: Vytautas Pliura Trebor Healey’s first novel is an awesome achievement. The protagonist, Neill Cullane is a deeply likeable young man, a lov ing son and nurturing brother to a younger brother fighting a disfiguring cancer. By chance, his brother Peter introduces him to a fellow cancer patient he knows from the radiation clinic. The man is Vince Malone, diagnosed with testicular cancer. He is a bitter drug addict and chronic shoplifter who lives in a run down hotel in the skid row district of San Francisco. The one thing Neill and Vince share is that both are gay. Neill is in the closet but Vince is an in-your-face faggot who wears his attitude on his sleeve. Healey’s work is awesome because he fleshes out a character such as Vince, who is actually very unlikable in many ways, but we are drawn toward him like a moth to a flame, just as Neill is. Vince is mystical in an unusual way. But he is full of demons. In an article in Gay Today, Healey is quoted as saying, “Demons are interesting and they’re teachers....What scares you has a lot to teach you.” To be honest, at the onset of the novel, Vince ter rified me.

between these two cautious lovers. There is a very emotional flashback where we learn of Vince's attempt to reach out for his mother’s love. The passage brought tears to my eyes, as 1 began to even better grasp Vince’s inabili ty to trust in the affairs of the heart. This was a major accom plishment on Healey’s part, because from the beginning of the novel and as I watched how he mistreated Neill, l cut Vince very little slack. Another (equally painful) scene, where Vince con fronts his father looking for help and love, left me shattered. Vince’s reliance on drugs becomes a major factor in their rela tionship. I kept hoping that Neill’s love for Vince would offer the solace needed to replace the drugs. Neill takes Vince on a won drous trip to the mountains of Yosemite to try to have Vince tap in to the spiritual side of himself that may spark a healing. Although Vince succumbs to the beaut>. it is a need for another kind of “fix" that Vince ultimately longs for. The reader will discover the outcome of both love stories. One direct outgrowth of the journey that Neill takes, first in nursing his brother and second in learning to love Vince without shame, is the fact that he is able to learn self acceptance and “come out " to his loved ones. This is an integral step in learning to love himself, something that the reader, depending upon his or her own progress in life, may also be challenged to do. I would like to praise Healey on his eloquent Kpilogue. It is only a few brief pages, but the closing paragraphs rise to a rare tapestry of breathtaking beauty, a stunning piece of writing that is a gift from the writer to the reader from the bottom of his heart. 1 lealey ends his novel on the sublime and the godly, full of grace, a dreamlike quality, full of hope and wonder and love. I thank him for those remarkable gifts.

Books Available for Review Poetry S o ft Slow M o tio n by Dixie Schnell Non-Fiction The Bear H a n d b o o k - Compiled by Ray Kampf Finding a L o v e r fo r L if e - A gay man’s guide by David Price, MS O u t o f the T w ilig h t - Fathers of Gay Men Speak by Andrew Gottlieb The Man w h o knew M e dicine - The Teaching of Bill Eaglefeather by Henry Niese Rebel Yell II - More stories of Southern Gay Men by Jay Quinn Fiction B e a r Like Me by Jonathan Cohen T asty H e a rts - A Collection by Ken Anderson On Los Lunas W ay by Jason Stephens Uncle Max by Chris Kenry

This unlikely pair fall for each other, and embark on a roller coaster-ride relationship where they endure ups and downs, embraces and rejections, that would doom almost any other love affair. Yet both lovers continue to try to keep each other afloat even when they seem to be drowning each other. As I learned more of Vince’s youth and his emotional scars and child abuse, I began to wonder how he could venture to care for any one and take a chance on love. But 1 still had a hard time accepting his abusive ways. I know Healey’s poetry so it is no surprise that his prose writing is very lyrical. He has a keen sense for dialogue, crafting emo tional nuances with lean and unsparing words as sharp as a knife cutting into your soul. Often the most moving dialogue is when Neill and Vince are struggling NOT to injure each other with words. There are tender moments between Neill and his brother Peter, and fragile moments between Neill and his moth er and father. His mother tries her best not to be smothering but cannot help herself; and his father (who speaks to Peter in sports cliches like, “you can catch this ball and run with it, pal”) tries to lose himself in gardening to divert his devastation. Healey often seems to promise to refrain from breaking your heart in the way he handles the intricate emotional layers of his often taut and unrelenting story, but then, when you least expect it, he breaks your heart anyway. He deftly juggles two “love stories” in the novel: the story of the Cullane family and their effort to withstand Peter’s cancer; and the story of Neill and Vince and the emotional “cancer” that seems to fester

Music Reviews

Heathen Harvest — esoteric and pagan music review H ighlighting the many shades o f music: light, between the worlds and darkness in successive issues

by Malahki Thorn Artist: Dies Natalis Alburn: T r i s t a n Label: Nielozilla his winter season finds H eathen Harvest B e tw e e n th e W o rld s once more. I invite our readers to join me in explor ing a band with one foot (irmly planted in tradition and the other in progressive creativity. Dies Natalis is a fairly new voice in the pagan neo-folk music scene. Hailing from Germany the band is comprised of a modest four members. Tobias Stahl appears to be the brainchild behind the band as he is listed as the master mind behind the music and the lyrics. The album T ris ta n is the bands second full length release and it is arguably one of the best neo-folk releases of the season. Both the band and the album title derive their names from ancient lore and mythology. D ie s N a ta lis In v ic ti S o lis is the title of the ancient pagan Roman celebration of the winter sol stice. D ie s N a ta lis In v ic ti S o lis translates into “The birth of the uncont|uered sun.” The album title ,T ris ta n refers to an archaic legend that dates back to early Norse mythology. The legend of Tristan has survived into our age through adaptation in Arthurian mythology and has even been immortalized by Richard Wagner in the opera Tristan und Isolde. The theme of the album and the common thread throughout each song is the tale of Tristan. Tristan is most often portrayed in mythology as a tormented knight and warrior separated from his life’s love, the beautiful Isolde. Anyone more interested in this subject matter make note that a book is available that accompanies the CD and delves deeply into Tristan’s tale. Dies Natalis has delivered an album of severe magni tude using all acoustic instruments except for the occasional nature sample . Most of the songs are built around simple per cussion and beautiful sparkling acoustic guitars. The music is occasionally accented by piano and cello. With such a simple instrumental line-up one naturally fears being strummed into boredom by folk guitar. Not to fear, Dies Natalis will not slip you into a folk coma. The songs are lively, emotional and often inspiring to listen to. The band does a lot with a little. Straddled between traditional European folk leanings and darker neo-folk acts like Sol Invictus, Dies Natalis has set the bar for future artists in this genre. The album opens with a spoken word prolog titled T ristan 's A b y s s . Unfortunately for those of us who only speak English this is one of three songs sung in the bands mother tongue, German. The second song is D ie s N a ta lis S o lis In victi. This is when the album really begins. Instrumentation is very simple with cello and guitar working in unison to craft a tapestry of acoustic beauty. The lyrics are sung as a folk duet between the strong masculine voice of Tobias Strahl and his Brother Norbert Strahl and the delicate feminine voice of Susanne Schulze. The result is an amazing joining of strength with beauty. The song is a mystical evocation of the winter solstice and was crafted with honest nature spirituality.

The album is just full of memorable songs many of which will have you singing them when you aren’t listening to the CD! The mood of the CD also straddles borders. At times the songs had me dancing and celebrating with D ie s N a ta lis S o lis In v ic ti and The lim e while other songs leave a haunting feeling like A n a b e ll and T im e G o e s O n ( F rom D u sk To D a w n ). Other songs left me feeling hope, victory and despair. The theme of Tristan, a war rior with a broken heart and soul, lends for some moody music.

Seeing how our country is currently engaged in yet another war these songs though traditionally crafted are relevant today. Below are lyrics from my favorite song on the album H a r v e s t R a in :

T h e S u m m e r 1987

Male linger: Ahead it is dark and rain\ And I have last my path There is no light. no hope, no time And the crtKmers of the dark Oh God. why I can t find you ? Why can t you hear my words? Can you see me fighting in these fields for causes I don't know Female singer: Oh my gallant love where have you gone? I miss your gentle touch Our children grow fine and strong They 're missing you so much The harvest rain falls on our home And the days grow fairly long Rut the horizon stays without you From dusk until dawn

Male singer: Oh dear last night I lost a friend He went into the fire Perhaps he'll reach a better place Perhaps we ’ll meet again I wonder how the children are I miss their softly smiles Sometimes I dream of the hon est rain Put the struggle still goes on Female Singer: Yesterday I saw a picture of the minister of war in his lily white shirt And the minister and the news did say For freedom there's a price to pay

Male & Female sing: Autumn has come And the wind is waving the corn And she got a matching letter It read “For our freedom they did fall" And she asks herself what freedom takes a mother's son So we lose the best and hail the rest and the harvest rain doth fall

For several years RFD was published on equinoxes and solstices at Running Water Community in Bakersville, NC. The summer of 1987 featured sto ries and articles under the acronym "Reflecting A Forum O f Dreamers".

I would recommend this album to anyone that already has an interest in European or early American folk music. Faeries that like the later works of Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash anti Simon and Garfunkel might also find the neo-traditional lyricism and instrumentation appealing. Though the music is not reminiscent of sixties folk I imagine open minded, pagan oriented, hippies would dig this. New comers to Neo folk music from Europe might also want to experiment with Dies Natalis. The band is a refreshing respite from mainstream corporate music media. You won't hear Dies Natalis on the radio or in the club. Strong Pagan and nature themes dominate the songs. A sense of times long ago faded into legend is delivered. Faeries with a strong interest in myth, nature spirituality as well as warrior spirit oriented faeries might find these tunes very appealing. And lastly fans of the genre who might be familiar with bands like Current 93, Sol Invictus or Death in June might want to check out these necomers. The music is a refreshing step away from the darker work of many of their neo-folk predecessors. Anyone who has purchased the previ ously reviewed works of Backworld, Elijah's Mantle and Hagalnaz Runedance might like this album too. Copies of Dies Natalis’ Tristan can be purchased through Middle Pillar Distribution at middlepillar.com or 1-888-763-2323.

The Table O f Contents for issue#5 1 reads like a list of concerns of the day. Return to your copy, pro duced by Big Stone, Ron lambe Dwight Dunaway and Charles Spoon, and discover the writings of such notables as Franklin Abbott and Harry Hay. National Forum on Biodiversity - R.F. Noss W e Don't Need Another Hero - M.A. Define Walking for the Health of It - R T Edwards Sexual Obsession vs. Spirituality The Seeker The Human Response to AIDS Pat Bowdei Pull Out Your Copy! Email Us for a past issue!

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2004

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Northwest Faeries Erect 5 ,0 0 0 lb s Phallus By Morning Star On Saturday, September 6, Faeries from both Seattle and Portland gathered with residents of the Longhouse to move a 500Gpound cedar wood phallus that is 26 feet long, to a place of honor on the land. Once in place, a solemn ritual sanctifying the phailus would follow. The Longhouse is a Spiritual Retreat Center located on the outskirts of “ Seattle. It has provided a beautiful refuge for at least three faerie gatherings. | The land is surrounded by a natural wetland that provides not only a sense of ° separation from the outside world, but also a host of wildlife not found in the city. A local artist carved this wondrous organ from a cedar tree. The penis had originally been brought to the land by truck to be used in the "Living Erotic Arts and Performance Festival," nearly a month before. During the Festival it stood upright from the earth s vagina surrounded by scaffolding. At night it was anointed with rubbing alcohol. When lit the huge phallus provided a flickering blue bacLdrop of erotic heat and flame. With the phallus bathed in this flickering light, erotic dancers gracefully moved through the scaffolding like sacred prostitutes. On the day of the celebration the sun god shone upon us with warmth and clear skies. As the faeries de-camped and Longhouse residents arrived we moved to the ritual mask-making area to divinely decorate our headgear for worship, allowing all to express their creativity and individuality. The ancient Greeks and Romans were simply mad for masks, which in ritual context, masks the owners social identity and create a sacred ritual identity for the mysteries and celebrations of the day. Scottie Dog and other faeries from Portland had spent the previous night making strap-on dildos for all the participants. This was a wonderful surprise. We were delightful to see many of the female residents of the Longhouse reborn with male geni tals. The group had decided that the phallus would look best protruding from the wetland. The surrounding greenery provid ed natures own pubic hair. First we-pushed the huge organ close to the waters edge so the tractor driven by Shadow-Wind could prod the base of the penis into the murky water - home of the bog goddess. The tractor strained as it lifted the 5000-pound phallus, bending for ward on its front wheels, as if to genuflect in honor of the sacred phallus. Our group jumped on the rear of tne teetering mass of iron and steel, saving it from collapsing into the wetland as a sacrifice to the Bog Goddess. Finally the huge organ came to rest in it's new home and we all praised the gods. W e were exhausted and pleased, ready to take a short break consisting of grapes and juice. After the short 15 minutes break we came together in a circle wearing our ritual masks and humongous cocks. I called forth the archetypal spirits of Hermes, Priapus, Cernunnos and Pan. Each deity was symbolized by a totem depicting his picture, and described his role in the ancient world. We could feel ourselves moving into ancient times. Hermes was the ancient God of interpretation and translation. The ancient Greek word for interpreter and translator is Hermeneus. Priapus, was a God of the phallus and male sexuality. He was noted for his prodigious member. Priapus was certainly an appropriate deity to call in recog nition of the prodigious size of the masculine monolith. Cernunnos was the Celtic horned god of virility and was also known as the Stag god. Pan, was the god of flocks and shepherds who wandered the hills and mountains of Arkadia playing his pan-pipes. Pan was also the son of Hermes and Dryope. We then visualized a luminescent ball of protective light enveloping both the surrounding community and ourselves. Poetry reading followed. Scottie-Dog led the way with the voice of an ancient deity - giving life to the poems by James Broughton that praised Hermes. I followed, also reading poems by James Broughton. I gave homage to the male phallus and the joy and divinity of sex. Chad who resides at the Longhouse, read poetry he had written. Than, like an imp Gnarlene read a lighthearted poem that ignited our sense of humor. One woman shared her vision of Priapus. She saw many elf like images Denras Bejm liken to Priapus hopping through the greenery on their huge cocks. As they land ed, each elfin creature would ejaculate a beam of energy that inseminated the recipient foliage with new life. It was truly a vision from the gods. As a final respect we each took turns individually touching the phallus, asking, that it enhance our lives and that of others. Once the circle ended we had a potluck dinner and said our final goodbyes. Again faerie magic had been at work. The End

C o n tact Letters Contact new friends and see what happens via RFD We print letters free of charge and will even forward replies free (tho' donations are appreciated for a box #.) If you're looking for new contacts, some fresh tastes in life’s salad bowl, consider RFD as an outlet. Water your garden with a thought-out piece about yourself in the con tact pages (up to about 200 words) and who knows what delightful, tasty and unexpected plants may appear You can send a photo too if you want, b/w prints more clearly. Put pen to paper, write our friends who have an ad here and wait for the post. Please phrase your ad in positive language. RFD assumes no responsibility regarding dealings arising from these ads ... Okay? Hey Guys, M y D a lla s... This i s my f i r s t s u b m i s s i o n , so l e t me know i f t h e r e are any p r o b le m s . I l o v e the mag—you a l l do a f a n t a s t i c j o b ! Hope t o hear from you, P h i l i p R ecord 263 L S t r e e t S a l t Lake C i t y UTAH 84103 Home (8 01 )5 96 -35 9 6 C ell (8 01 )7 5 0 -7 4 8 6 S o m e t i m e s I w o n d e r w h a t lif e w o u l d b e l i k e i f t h e y w e r e s t ill a lire ... Not n e c e s s a r ily m y g r a n d m o th e r — h er d ea th w a s s o m e w h a t e x p e c t e d a t t h e a g e o f 8 9 , a lth o u g h m y h i s t o r y o f l o r e a n d a c c e p t a n c e . m y o n l y n o tio n o f “h o m e " d i e d w i t h h e r l a s t y e a r. Hut J o e — t h a t f r e e - f l o a t i n g . h a s t C o a s t, s t r a i g h t s n o w b o a r d e r w h o w a s t h e f i r s t to b e f r i e n d a n o l d e r g a y m a n d u r i n g m y f i r s t c o u p l e o f m o n t h s in th e h o m o p h o b i c h o m e o f t h e 2 0 0 2 W in te r O ly m p ic s . O n e o f th e f e w c h o s e n c h ild r e n o f t h e u n i v e r s e , h is c h a r m a n d e n e r g y p r e c e d e d h im . I c r i e d a l l n ig h t w h e n l f o u n d o u t h e h a d s h o t h i m s e l f a f t e r d r i v i n g to I d a h o to s p a r e t h o s e h e l o v e d t h e s h o c k o f f i n d i n g h is body. A n d J e n — w h o w a s a s k e d b y m a n y t a l e n t s c o u t s to m o d e l f o r th eir agen cies. A lth ou gh h er h e a d m y h a v e been f i l l e d w ith ra g in g w a t e r s , f o r m e s h e w a s a g e n t l e c u r r e n t in th e m i d d l e o f a c l a s s f i v e r a p i d . W a s it d i e t p i l l s ? C o k e ? H e r o in e ? A c o m b in a tio n ? H er m o u rn in g m o th e r w o n ’t sa y . I n o w d e l i v e r m e a l s to t h e n e e d y w i t h n o o n e in t h e p a s s e n g e r s e a t . S h e w a s 22. d o t h s o u ls , w h o m I s e l f i s h l y n e e d e d , left l a s t year. A t t h e tim e , / w a s s t i l l t r y i n g to r e c o v e r f r o m t h e lo s s o f D a l l a s — G od. is it f o u r y e a r s n o w ? H e c a l l e d m e “d a d " a f t e r h is d ie d . H e i v a s m y te a c h e r. H e w a s m i / D a l l a s ! N ot p h y s i c a l l y w h o l e — t h e G o d d e s s g a v e h im g r e a t e r g if ts , h i d d e n to m a n y u n d e r a li m p b o d y a n d s l u r r e d s p e e c h . Hut n e v e r h i d d e n to m e. I s u f f e r e d f r o m g u i l t t h e y e a r h e d ie d ; d r o w n e d in t h e b a t h t u b u n d e r m y c are.

Chen, b y s o m e c r u e l f a t e . . . M y d i v i n e s o u l m a t e ; M y M ary— Is s h e r e a l l y g o n e ? W h y d o / s t i l l f e e l h e r ? W h y d o / s t i l l s e e h e r ? W h y d o I s t i l l a c h e f o r h e r ? D e n i a l isn 7 s u p p o s e d to l a s t a y e a r ! FUCK YOU, GOD! (a y e a r lo n g m a n t r a ) S C /I F W YOU.

GODDESS!! Wh a t cru el a p a th y do yo u h a v e f o r y o u r p o e t F a erie? F or Y o u r P h i l i p ? A v e M a r ia . S o n o w F m h e r e ... S t a n d i n g . C a r d i a c c e lls s t i l l f i r i n g , p u m p i n g b l o o d ( s t u p i d m u s c le ) . Hut a l l t h o s e p l a n s ( h a t M a r y a n d / h a d t a l k e d a b o u t- a ll th e tr a n s p a r e n c y o f m a te ria l, a n d u n c o n d i t i o n a l l o v e t h a t D a l l a s ta u g h t m e - a l l th e d r i v e a n d life I a d m i r e d in J o e - a n d t h e u n i q u e f r a g i l i t y o f g o o d n e s s in J e n T h e s e t h i n g s / s h a l l b r in g to t h e g r e a t W y o m i n g p r a i r i e l a n d / h a v e in h e r i t e d , in to a p l a n . . .

...a h e a lin g p la n f o r p e o p le o f d e e p s a d n e s s or v ic tim s o f d e v a s ta tin g tra u m a , o ld spirits; se a rc h in g sp irits. / en vision a c o m m u n ity o f f a e r ie s , stro n g p o w e r fu l c re a t i v e f o r c e s w h o w i l l w o r k to b u i l d an o a s i s in t h e g r a s s la n d s f o r th e se lost p eople, w h o f e e l th e y h a v e n o w h e r e a n d n o on e. We w i l l be t h e i r h e a lin g . We w i l l r e - a d m i n i s t e r t h e tr u th o f l o v e a n d c o n n e c tio n . We w i l l u n i t e a n d r e - u n ite . We w i l l c r e a t e a n d r e c r e a te . We w i l l f u l f i l l a p r o p h e c y in th e h e a r t s o f f a e r i e s ! I f you a re i n t e r e s t e d i n such an a d v en t u r e , and a re w i l l i n g to pu t 24/7 i n t o i t , P l e a s e c o n t a c t P h i l i p at : rp h ilip 6 @ m s n . com E s p e c i a l l y needed are those with a g r i c u l t u r e (a n im a l) ba ck grou n d s, c a r p e n t r y , and a r t i s a n s and h e a l e r s . Lets

start

a new c i r c l e

o f h ea lin g!

Prison Page

By Snuffy Here's a couple poems from inmates:

IN THEIR OWN WORDS ‘7

Since writing the article for Prison Pages 115, I have received some rather interesting correspondence from several inmates that illustrate the difficulties of prison life and of hope for the future. I have also begun receiving rejections from a couple of institutions of correspondence from RFI) Press concerning our services. 1 have identified the authors of the two written pieces and leave the other sources anonymous for obvious reasons. 1 welcome comments from our readership. Please send them to BBB, PO Box 68 , Liberty, TN 37095,

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7 e r a s e a ll th e tim e s w a sn 7 th e re f o r you.

T he w a y s l ' \ e m a d e y o u r life M o re d iffic u lt a n d u n h a p p y Hut I c a n c h a n g e th e fu tu r e l ca n m a k e a n e w s ta r t I k n o w it m a y n o t h e e a s y E v e ry th in g m a y n o t g e t b e tt e r o v e r n ig h t Hut I p r o m is e to w o rk h a r d e r a t th is

Inmate Rape “First a little hit about me. I am young, gay and in prison. 1 have no friends and my family has written me off. In the coun ty jail I was forced to have sex with 3 men who took turns assaulting and penetrating me against my will. Once I got to the facility I am currently in, word had spread about my rape, hospital trip and the allegations that I told on my assailants. This has caused me some serious problems. I have been attacked, abused, ridiculed and taken advantage of. The bigoted hillbillies who run this facility have done little to secure my safety and the safety of my possessions. I am currently in protective custody with still the same prob lems arising. I am to be released in 18 months with only the clothes on my back and a severe determination to remain free.”

Than a n y th in g I 'v e e v e r d o n e b e fo re b e c a u s e I lo v e y o u A n d b e c a u s e l a m le a r n in g to lo v e m y s e lf

by David Stenhouse 11 #68607, ASPC Eyman - SMU II l-B59, PO Box 3400, Florence AZ 85232

IM A G IN E A W O R L D W H E R E T IM E S T A N D S ST IL L W h ere n o th in g y o u d o is o f y o u r o w n f r e e w ill. S tr ip p e d o f y o u r fr e e d o m , h o p e s a n d d r e a m s a n d p rid e . S u rr o u n d e d b y S tr a n g e r s a n d b r o th e r s in f e a t ; e y e s T ille d w ith te a rs, b r o th e r s b e in g a b u s e d a n d ra p e d . N O

Inmate Pay (Note: not all states pay inmates for work done - in this case pay is about 50 cents per hour.) “We received word that our pay is being cut as of November 1st. We can't strike or go to Collective Bargaining or quit our jobs. The legislature in its infinite wisdom decided to help cut the DOC Budget by cutting inmate pay, yet guards get a live percent raise.”

P L A C E T O H ID E . T H E W E A K G IV E IN. Im a g in e a w o r ld w h e re y o u a re to l d w h a t to w e a r A p la c e w h e re it ’s o b v io u s th a t n o o n e c a re s, You ’re to ld e v e r y d a y n o t to talk, w h e re y o u ca n a n d c a n n o t Walk, a n d w h en tw o m en h o ld h a n d s y o u 're g iv e n a b a d m ark A w o r ld w h e re y o u a re s u r r o u n d e d b y h ate, a n d a ll y o u C an d o is s it a n d w ait, it's h u rry u p a n d w ait. Im a g in e a w o r ld w h e re y o u h a v e n o c h o ic e , y o u 're

From the RulesStatements accompanying letters from RFD Press that have been returned: “OTHER; INMATES ARE PRO HIBITED FROM RECEIVING CORRESPONDENCE OR MATERIALS FROM PERSONS OR GROUPS MARKETING ADVERTISING SERVICES, OR FROM SUBSCRIBING TO ADVERTISING SERVICES. INMATES WHO POST ADS OR HAVE ADS POSTED WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF ANOTH ER PERSON SHALL BE SUBJECT TO DISCIPLINARY A( TION.”

F o rced to d o th in g s n o o n e w o u ld e v e r b e lie v e , w h e re You ca n

7 e ven

think b e c a u s e o f th e n o ise , a p la c e

W h ere y o u 're f o r c e d to w o rk a n d g e t n o p a y W h ere y o u 're m a d e to f e e l le s s th an w o r th le s s e v e r y d a y A p la c e w h e re th e d a y c r a w ls like a sn a il, A n d a ll y o u r h o p e s re s t on a p ie c e o f m ail. Im a g in e a w o r ld s u r r o u n d e d b y w ire a n d to w a lk From th is p la c e is y o u r g r e a te s t d e sire , a p la c e L ik e th is is h a rd to c o n c e iv e , y e t m e a n d m y b r o th e r s A w a it th e h o p e th a t re s ts on a p ie c e o f m a il, liv in g

“Catalogs, advertisements, brochures, pamphlets and materials where the primary purpose is to sell a product or service shall be prohibited.”

A life o f p u r e hell, a m ista k e m a y b e w e m a d e , y e t d o We h a v e to w a it to d ie to b e in h ell, fr o m th e H o u se th a t S a ta n m a d e f o r b r o th e r s like m e, j u s t S ittin g h ere a w a itin g a p ie c e o f m a il, G o d b le s s

In addition to the many ads that are received each week (277 separate ads appear on list 1 15), 1 also receive some incredible art work along with dreams of making new friends and securing new hope for the future, free of the bleak surroundings that cur rently engulf the writer. Again, please feel free to comment on these pages.

A ll o f y o u , a n d m y b r o th e r s b e h in d b a r s w ith m e, w rite U s a n d sh a r e s o m e h o p e s a n d d re a m s.

by Steve Bunch, #709856. Gulf Cl. Main Unit G-I205-L. 500 Ike Steel Road. Wewahitchka FL 32465-2428

Announcements T r o p ic a l G a th e rin g on Rang Yai Island Feb 9th - Feb 16th For gay men interested in coming togeth er in a natural setting to learn more about themselves and each other. This is a gath ering for men who love nature, want to cre ate deeper contacts with their gay broth ers, embrace spiritualities in all of their forms and delight in the company of other gay men. This gathering grows out of the tradition of the Faeries in the USA and Europe and is the first such event of its kind in Asia. We encourage gay men of all races, back grounds and nationalities to join in the fun and inner growth and exploration on this tropical island setting near Phuket! We are expecting about 25 to 35 men from throughout Asia, Europe, the USA and Australia who will come together for a fun and intense week of circle discussions (heart circles), sport (swimming, kayaking, snorkeling, biking, hiking, etc), and fun (tal ent shows, karaoke night, and other events as we are inspired by each other). There w ill be an additional Bangkok weekend from Friday Feb 6th to Sunday the 8th fo r those w ho want to enjoy a weekend in the big city together before going o ff into nature and quiet fo r one week. Rang Yai Island 15 minutes from Phuket Town by speed boat. Make a reservation NOW for Phuket (with an eventual stopover in Bangkok from Feb 6th to 8th if you plan to participate in our weekend in the city) and time your arrival for 12 noon to 1pm in Phuket if possible.(Later arrivals that day or later in the week are OK, but you may need to find your own way to the port to catch a boat to the island.) We will arrange for a group transfer from the airport to the island by mini-bus and speed boat as well as for your return to the mainland on the 16th around 3pm in the afternoon, (please book your return flight from Phuket for around 6pm) Please note, there are other boat services back and forth to the island, so if you cannot coordinate with the group schedule, you CAN get to and from the island at other times without any great dif ficulty during daylight hours. Looking for a cheap flight? In Europe try www.ltur.com or www.lcc24.com for last minutes and reduced fares from Europe. In the USA try priceline.com Please send me your suggestions for discounted flights from Asia and Australia or the Middle East. English will most likely be the main lan guage of communication in group circles and events, but all languages are welcome at all times. If your English is not so fluentplease don’t let that hold you back! Costs are currently estimated at the Thai

equivalent of S20US per day (approx. S140US for the full week) for accommoda tion in tents/bungalows (all equipment pro vided), all food, airport and island trans fers! We may be able to get the costs even lower - stay tuned as our final plans devel op over the next two months. Please note that about 10% of these costs will go to support scholarships for men from devel oping countries in SouthEast Asia. If you can afford to give more to our scholarship fund, please let us know! For those who cannot afford this, we plan to offer two scholarships to gay men from developing South East Asian countries such as Laos, Cambodia, Metnam, Thailand or Burma. If finances are a prob lem for you, please contact us and let us know what you can or cannot afford. We will try to accommodate your ability to pay so please contact us! This is a non-commercial and not-forprofit undertaking so no profits will be made by this gathering! Any monies raised will go to support the EuroFaerie Foundation in Amsterdam and its efforts towards organizing future events in Asia. Please send an e-mail expressing your interest or asking your questions to John at the Tropical Paradise Gathering Url: tropicalgathering2004@ yahoo.com The registration form is being developed now and, hopefully, an on-line registration process will be set up soon at www.eurofaerie.de Please visit the following URLs for more information and photos, etc or contact John/Habibi in Bangkok for more informa tion or the answers to your many ques tions!: USA jf_in_bkk@ yahoo.com +66 2 677 6658 tel/fax or http://www.eskim o.com /~davidk/faeries /faeries.htm l Europe www.eurofaerie.org Please forward this to your friends! John Ferguson, L e k k e rd in g

Santa Fe, New Mexico hey there RFD! we re a couple of fabu lous queers here in santa fe, new mexico doing a document-airy on rural queer fam ilies. can you let me know how I might go about getting out the word? maybe a notice in RFD with an e-mail address and phone # for anyone who might want to par ticipate? mucho gusto! marcus vaughter 223 no. guadalupe # 236 santa fe, nm. 87501 505-660-2328 505-820-6256 <m ailto:m vaughter@ cyberm esa.com > mvaughter@ cybermesa.com 43

GLOBAL QUEER HEALING The Dance of Our Spirit-Body May 22-30 2004 Raven s Wing, New Mexico Facilitators: Balance & Antanas The intention of this gathering is to dis cover our stories, weave our collective myths, distill our gifts and empower our selves and each other to live them wholly in the global community. Drawing on somatic and energetic tools, we will create a space to cultivate and deepen our self awareness, and using it to illuminate our multi-dimensionality and support us in returning to a paradigm of wholeness & health defined as being fully ourselves - living our dreams and mani festing our imagination. Our creative investigation will be based, but not limited to, movement, conscious touch, breathwork, meditative & sensory exploration, and expressive arts; all grounded in a deep appreciation of our bodies and the Natural world supported with energy and nutrient-rich foods. We will be using a fluid framework encouraging individual and group explo ration within a larger container. Scores will be created drawing on our collective resources allowing for refinement and adaptability. Also the gathering’s empha sis on self-care insists on scheduled down time for rest and assimilation. We come together to experience the grace of finding each other once again and witness our evolution as individuals, a tribe and a planet. For information and registration, contact balancegregory@ yahoo.com . Fees: $150 - $500. Nobody turned away for lack of funds. Work exchange is available. Balance is a Pagan Monk & Performance Artist. A graduate and for mer faculty member of Baltimore School of Massage, Balance has BFA & MFA degrees in dance, and continues to expand and deepen his dance with Spirit. Antanas has degrees in Dance and Religious Studies, is a graduate of the Tamalpa Institute of Expressive Arts, and has worked extensively with foods and nutrition, reminding others to allow for the pleasurable experience of proper nourishment. Raven's Wing is Balance's home and playground. Located in Candy Kitctien, New'Mexico, Raven s Wing is a ten acre retreat center focused on fostering a deep connection to self through which empowerment evolves. Grounded in Somatic Spirituality the dance of Body as Spirit, Raven’s Wing is a center in evolution; it is rustic and ‘‘back to Nature" in focus.

Send your announcements by Jan. 15th to submissions® rfdm ag.o rg

connections faedrshrag@aolcom

M e n N u r t u r in g M e n E u ro p e -N /E -B a ltic C irc le d o Viking Diva PO. Box 3698 10501 Tallin Estonia Email: viking diva@hotmail.com G e r m a n F a e rie s

d o Midwest Men's Center PO Box 705 Chicago. IL 60614-0705 312-494-2654

louisiana

d o Merlin

a rk a n sa s R ose o f S h a ro n Rt 2 Box 130A2 Elkins, AR 72727 501-643-3855

a s ia A s ia n F a e rie s (B a n g k o k ) John Ferguson/Habibi |f in bkk@yahoo com Gatherings annually in February on pri vate island near Phuket

S ta rla n d -F a e R e tre a t/ C o m m u n ity 760-364-2069 www geocities com/starlandretreat Email: StarlandRetreat@yahoo com

Canada a.k.a. A m b e r Fox Summer Gathering Place Ontario, Canada www.akaamberfox.ca Email: circle@aka amberfox.ca

WendetinKuepers@t-online de H o m o d o k -L e s b ia n A rc h iv e s Nieuwpoortkade 2a, NL-1055 RX Amsterdam, Netherlands 31-20-6060712 www.homodok-laa.nl Email: info@homodok-laa.nl Iris h R a d ica l F a e rie s An Sidheog 7 1 Ballyculter Road Loughkeelan, Downnpatrick County Down BT30 7BD. N. Ireland Les Fees d e M o n tp e llie r

d o Pier re Vazquez Irregular circles when the goddeses declare a quorum....

a u s t r a l ia A u s tra lia James lan.Les PO Box 495,Nimbin NSW 2480 Australia ozfaeries@yahoo com

C a lif o r n ia B la c k L e a th e r W in g s 1226 2Sth Ave San Francisco, CA 9 4 122 415-584-1954 www blackleatherwings org H o ly F a e rie D a ta b a s e CA and W olf Creek Events PO. Box 426732 San Francisco, CA 9 4 142 Las H a d a s d e l S ol Faeries of the Sun, San Diego, C A 619-226-8161 or 685-7626 M o o n C irc le - L o s A n g e le s www.mooncircle.net N om enus PO. Box 170358 San Francisco, CA 94117 To visit Sanctuary: PO. Box 312 W olf Creek, OR 97497 541 866-2678 www nomenus.org San F ra n c is c o T e l-a -F a iry 415-626-3369 Events/messages for Bay Area S a n ta C ru z F a iry L in e 408-335-5861 (Events line) So. C a l. A re a R a d ic a l F a e rie s S C A R F & F a e rie D is h R ag-F D R PO Box 26807 Los Angeles, CA 90026 213-666-1350 socaradfae@aol.com

C o lo r a d o D e n v e r R a d ic a l F a eries PO Box 12415 Denver, CO 80212 Events: 303-433-7584 www.geocities.com/denverfae Email: beest@qwest.net

d.c./maryland D .C . F a eries Monday night potluck 7-10 d o Eldritch 202-332-4697 www.DCRadFeys.org S c a e rie F a e rie s d o Happy Doodle 2101 Bucknell Terrace Wheaton. MD 20902 301-946-0517 Email: happy@happydoodle.com

europe/abroad ■ B e rlin F a e rie s

d o Hort/Butch Bhudda Berlin, Germany Email: howaberlin@hotmail.com

38 rue de lauguillerie 34000 Montpellier France Tel: 33-04-67-60-89-30 P aris F a e rie s 7 Rue Payenne 75003 Paris, France Tel: 33-1-40-27-02-95 Email: efthimios@aol.com R h e in g o ld F a e rie s - B o n n Email: rheingoldfaeries@lycos.de Sw iss E u ro -F a e rie s Email: Wendelin.Kuepers@unisg.ch T h a m e s V a lle y F a e rie s www.pietvk.demon.co.uk/bgl/ReadandB erks/R&BRadicalFaeryO I htm Email: piet@peitvk.demon.co.uk

florida M iamiFaerieContacts d o Gawen, Kelpie House 6700 SW 52nd St. Miami. FL 33155 305-667-7601

georgia

Graaf Florisweg 22 2805AL, Gouda, Netherlands Email: americanvoices@wxs.nl E d w a rd C a r p e n te r C o m m u n ity BM ECC. London W C IN 3XX, UK Tel:(UK) 08703-215121

massachusetts B o s to n F a e rie C o n ta c ts Fuku: 617-522-6466 Email: shutt@fas.harvard.edu

minnesota K a w a sh a w a y S a n c tu a ry ( N o r th w o o d s F a e rie s ) PO. Box 6341 Minneapolis, MN 55406 www.kawashaway.org

mexico

d o Efthimios Kalos

D u tc h C irc le

d o John Ferguson

S k ip W a rd PO. Box 3036 Pineville, LA 71361 www manitouwoods.com gayeider@aol.com

A tla n ta F a e rie C irc le 770-446-9946 Email: snakeowl@bigfoot.com

illin o is

El E n c a n to Nayarit, Mexico 011-52-325-49029 Summer - 253-813-2427 Email: camporose@aol.com Mail:c/o Rosie 1122 East Pike St. #689 Seattle, W A 98122 www.elencantomexico.com

nebraska E m p ire o f S ta rd u s t C o m m u n ity PO. Box 5 Craig. NE 68019 Email: arlazaroff@yahoo.com

new mexico Z u n i M o u n ta in S a n c tu a ry PO. Box 636 Ramah.NM 87321 505-783-4002 www.zms.org Email: zunimtn@cia-g.com

new york B lu e H e ro n F a rm 68 Streeter Rd. Dekalb. NY 13630 315-347-2178

C h ic a g o F a e rie C irc le

d o Kale, PO. Box 607282

www.edwardcarpentercommun.ty.org.uk

Chicago. IL 60660-7282 fAEvents: 773-cashmere

E u ro -F a e rie s

www.geocities.com/faeriechicago

www eurofaerie.org

Northeast Faerie Email Network PA, NY, C T , M A , V T , N H , ME agnesknows@aol.com

C ro w n C ity F a e rie s 146 S. Main S t #3 Cortland. NY 13045 607-745-2577 F a e rie G ra m To subscribe write:FaerieGram PO. Box 150296 Brooklyn. NY I 1215 $20/yr o r what you can afford Make check to: “ Ron Southard"

G a n o w u n g o S a n c tu a ry c o jay Stratton 121 Un»on Sc Westfield. NY 14787

W o lf C re e k S a n c tu a ry

S h o r t M o u n ta in S a n c tu a ry 247 Sanctuary Lane Liberty, TN 37095 615-563-4397 (voicemail)

P.O Box 312 WoH Creek. OR 97497 541-866-2678 www.nomenus.org Email: nomenus@budget.net

N Y C R a d ic a l F a e rie s d o the FaemeGram RO. Box 150296 Brooklyn. NY 11215 718-625-4505 www.radkalfaenes.net

texas

Pennsylvania

R adica l F a e rie s -N Y C o n M S N www.communrties.msn.com radicalfaertesnyc

ohio N .E .O .F .A .G . N orth East Ohio Faerie Action Group P.O.Box 93166 Cleveland. OH 44101-5166 Email: ohmitian2@core.com

Oklahoma

A u s tin A re a F a e rie s Casa de los Mariposas RO. Box 80618 Austin.TX 78708-0618 Info line: S I2-837-1596 Email: blong@telocity.com

T h e H e rm ita g e 75 Grove Rd. Pitman. PA 17964 570-425-2548 www.ic.org/thehermitage

P itts b u r g h F a e rie C irc le 7212-1/2 Meade St. Pittsburgh, PA 15208 412-241-8606 Email: jrbishop@bellatlantic.net

S e a ttle F a iry F o ne 206-366-2132 (Events line)

N .T e xa s R adica l F a e rie s http://ntradfae.divanet.com

P ra irie F a eries http://members.home.net/wifaenes/

Faerie Cherokee Indians & Friends P.O. Box 642 Tulsa. OK 74101-0642

T h e F a e rie s in S LC Salt Lake City. UT 801-273-7118 Email: slipit@xmission.com

Liberty, TN 37095 615-563-2219 o r 563-6624 Email: SnuffyVH@netscape.net ID A -Q u e e r A r t i s t C o m m u n ity P.O. Box 874 Smithville.TN 37166-0874 615-597-4409 www.planetida.com Email: planetida@planetida.com

Oregon E u g e n e /S p rin g fie ld F a eries Eugene, OR 5 4 1-683-5084

Faerie E-mail List Faerie Links & Gatherings www.radfae.org

N a s h v ille F a e rie C irc le 615-258-4226 www.nashfae.org

P o rtla n d O R F a e rie s Fae D irt 503-235-0826 Email: feydirt@rdrop.com

Additions, changes and deletions for Faerie Connections may he sent to: RFD Faerie Connections, P.O. Box 68, Liberty, FM 37095; or email: facriefindcr4Crfdmag.org

www.radfae.org/faerielist

M e m p h is F a e rie C irc le www.riverspirits.org louis@planetida.com

Email: ronunger@efn.org

Wisconsin

Utah

C re e k v ie w F a rm s R e tre a t Snuffalupa^us(Snuffy)

d o Everett Cheshewalla

N o r th w e s te r n F a e rie s 6002 32nd Ave. N W Seattle.WA 98107-2540 www.commumties.msn.com/seattleradicalfaeries

Texas F a e rie C o n n e c tio n Hyperion & Swami B d o FEYARTS P.O. Box 2542 Wimberly. TX 78676

tennessee

O k la h o m a R a d ic a l F a e rie s P.O.Box 32321 Oklahoma City. OK 7 3 123 405-722-8985

F a e rie C a m p D e s tin y & V e r m o n t R adica l F a e rie s P.O Box 531 Winooski.VT 05404-0531 802-295-7105 www faeriec ampdesony.org

Washington

H o u s to n F a e rie C irc le www.gayguides.com;houstonfaeries Email houstonfaenes@gayguides.com

P h ila d e lp h ia F a eries http:/'groups.yahoo.com group phillyfaeries Email: bartlett@ critpath.org

V e rm o n t

Faeries on the Web www.eskimo.com/~davidk/faeries/ 206-935-7762

P u m p k in H o llo w 1467 Pumpkin Hollow Rd. Liberty, TN 37059 615-536-5022

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Be you a queer musician, a music enthusiast, or just know a good tune when you hear one, let us hear from you! Send us an article about being a musician, a comÂ poser, a lyricist, a producer, a sound engineer, a vocalist, a band member... Let the muse fill your head. How about a head shot, a bio and some pics (your cd cover?). Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for reviews, new favorites, the unusual, the music of our queer world.

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