Through a Jungian Lens:
Discovering the Hero Within
In Search of Meaning at Midlife Robert G. LongprĂŠ
Through a Jungian Lens: Discovering the Hero Within
In Search of Meaning at Midlife
Through a Jungian Lens Volume III
Jungian Psychology from a Layman’s Point of View
Robert G. Longpré, General Editor Retired Eagle Books
Through a Jungian Lens: Discovering the Hero Within
In Search of Meaning at Midlife
Robert G. LongprĂŠ
Retired Eagle Books
Dedication This book is dedicated to my wife, Maureen and my three adult children, Noelle, Natasha and Dustin. They have been the homing beacon that guided me home from my journey through the inner world.
“… whatever reality may be, it will to some extent be shaped by the lens through which we see it.” (James Hollis, The Middle Passage, 1993.)
Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data Longpré, Robert G. Discovering the Hero Within: In Search of Meaning at Midlife Through a Jungian Lens: Volume III Jungian Psychology from a Layman’s Point of View
ISBN Copyright © 2009 by Robert G. Longpré All rights reserved
Cover: “Danger” (May 5, 2009), by Robert G. Longpré: photo taken a few kilometres south of Bienfait, Saskatchewan near the Souris River and the open pit coal mines near Estevan.
Introduction
This book began as a challenge. While spending a few winter months in Mexico in order to escape the bitter cold of a Saskatchewan winter, I stumbled across a challenge to produce a photo book. The book needed to contain at least thirty-five photos which were taken by one person. Any text that would be included in the book would also have to be the effort of the same person. With the text and photos the author would then create a layout for the book. The final product, a PFD, would be sent in to the host site of the challenge called SoFoBoMo – Solo Photo Book Month. But, while I was working on this book, a different book emerged. That book became the SoFoBoMo book. Yet, this book continued to stay with me wanting a life of its own. It becomes the third book in an ongoing series of books which blend photography with a Jungian perspective, a curious blend of haiku poetry and a modern tale of one man‟s journey at midlife. For this book, I draw predominantly from Carl Gustav Jung‟s Collected Works, a series of twenty books which form the conceptual foundation of Jungian psychology. I will also draw on a few post-Jungians such as Joseph Campbell, James Hollis and Daryl Sharp as well as others who have also contributed to the collective understanding of Jungian psychology, people with their own particular ways of understanding the journey of individuation, a hero‟s quest. The photos for the book are all drawn from the prairie landscape of southern and southwestern Saskatchewan, a place of endless skylines, few trees, semi-desert hills, sloughs and scattered farms and villages. For those who ask “Where is Saskatchewan?”; it is found in the west-central part of Canada. Saskatchewan is a big province, almost 230, 000 square miles in size (just over 590,000 square kilometres). The population for this province hovers around one million people with more than half of that population found in four cities. As I tell my story here, it is important to know that this is an “individual” story, one man‟s story. Though it is an individual story, there is much that holds true for any individual who dares to take a similar journey of self-discovery. I will end this introduction with an expression of thanks to those who have read this manuscript and given me valuable comments in the attempts to make the book a better book. Thanks to Gwynne, Marte, Nancy, Viv, Carl, Stephen, Charli, Steve, Johanne, Syariban and especially to Maureen.
I – In Search of the Undiscovered Self Know Thyself !- Μάθετε σύ Ancient Greeks knew that the key need for humans was the idea of self knowledge. They also knew that it was impossible for any individual to ever truly know the self fully. However, though it is a never- ending quest, the seeking of self-knowledge is worth the energy and effort. We often hear of people in midlife who chuck it all: family, friends and job; we call this behaviour a midlife crisis as though it were a mental disorder or a character fault. If one listens carefully to what those who suffer this midlife crisis are saying, we hear them talk about going to find themselves, searching for an answer to the question, “Who am I?” These people realise that their sense of self, which they have believed in for so long is flawed. They sense that they are more, that there has to be more than their job role, their familial role, and their social role. Something critical is missing. Pulled from their comfortable lives where every answer was found in the outer world, they find themselves tumbling through a tunnel like Alice in Wonderland, into a strange world where colours and textures have a slightly different aspect. And so begins a journey in search of the undiscovered self. Carl Gustav Jung, talks about this journey, this search for the undiscovered self: Most people confuse “self-knowledge” with knowledge of their conscious ego-personalities. Anyone who has any ego-consciousness at all takes it for granted that he knows himself. But the ego knows only its own contents, not the unconscious and its contents. (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Plight of the Individual in Modern Society,” paragraph 491.) This journey takes us into the unknown depths, into shadow country, into the depths of the unconscious. It is a heroic journey for those who dare to follow.
Who am I, really? Man, husband, father, brother? Where do I find me?
II – Midlife and the Shift to Meaning It‟s hard to understand why men and women would abandon their comfortable lives in order to undertake an adventure that has an unknown ending. When we look at the myths and fables of famous quests in which heroes had left everything in search of the Holy Grail, for the Golden Fleece or to find the elixir of eternal youth, we read with a vicarious attitude, following their journeys from the safety of our orderly and peaceful lives. Yet, for some, there is a call that refuses to be satisfied with anything less than the real thing. Almost daily we hear of midlife crises where men and women say “Enough!” to their lives which have become meaningless for them. They say enough to each other and go in search of another mate hoping that the emptiness can be filled with a renewed sex-drive, a new partner. Others say enough to boredom and buy new toys, journey to new tourist havens or embark on new careers. Yet for some, even this is not enough. There is a need to find out more, to be more. James Hollis, author of The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife, writes: One of the most powerful shocks of the Middle Passage is the collapse of our tacit contract with the universe – the assumption that if we act correctly, if we are of good heart and good intentions, things will work out. If we do our part, the universe will comply. (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p. 41, 1993.) This fit my experience. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and yet the feeling of emptiness, aloneness and fear continued to grow. With a heavy heart, I began a search for meaning, for a place in this universe. I began my heroic quest, the search for my undiscovered self.
What pulls me inward? Pulls me away from my life? The fear of the tomb.
III – The Call to an Inner Journey Somehow, this journey just creeps up on a person. Creeping is a good word to describe the slow process of losing satisfaction and losing control with the way things are. But even this losing of satisfaction is typically not enough to have one abandon a relatively good life. Something else needs to happen. It is as though one must wait for the call to the journey, a call that comes at a point of personal crisis. I got my call while I was in my early forties. I had established a good career as a teacher and as a coach; I had an active life in a larger circle of joggers running road races of 10K, 20K and full marathons. My children filled in any spare time with ease. I had a nice home in a decent community. What more could I want? Battling a slowly growing depression, I joined professional organisations and took part in a national pilot project for improving the teaching of second languages. I finished another degree. None of it helped. I became more and more distracted. And then the opportunity to become a counsellor arose. Of course that meant more classes to have all the undergraduate prerequisites in place. Then, I applied for my Masterâ€&#x;s program. While waiting for the start of the program, the call to the inner journey was made. A crisis presented itself into my life. I was denied the opportunity to take on the role of counsellor within the school. My ego was shattered. I had done all the right things, worked hard, believed in the myth. But, the way forward was denied. I no longer fit. As Joseph Campbell put it in his book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces: The familiar life horizon has been outgrown; the old concepts, ideals, and emotional patterns no longer fit; the time for the passing of a threshold is at hand. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 51.)
Denied and defied Dreams burning, belief dying Awakening of self
IV – Is This For Real? Being raised in communities, in families, humans have learned how to feel guilty when they focus on themselves; they learn how to feel selfish. Reality has a way of jolting us back into past rhythms and patterns. There are bills to pay, a job that requires at least minimal participation. One begins to think of what would be lost if one left it all to heed the call. Fear of the unknown is an even greater barrier to following the call to discover the depths of one‟s self. I began to doubt that there was a call. Thoughts of “Why do others seem to have discovered all the answers and fit in well with life?” left me to question my very worth. Guilt and feeling selfish for even entertaining the idea of being special, of being unique, sent me back to community and family. So, I crawled back into life a bit more broken, weaker and insecure. But something more happens with a refusal to follow this call to self discovery. Joseph Campbell noted: Refusal of the summons converts the adventure into its negative. Walled in boredom, hard work, or “culture,” the subject loses the power of significant affirmative action and becomes a victim to be saved. His flowering world becomes a wasteland of dry stones and his life feels meaningless … (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 59, 1968.) Returning home, to work and to community didn‟t work. The days became heavier and joy had disappeared. The world I left, if only for a moment when responding to the call, had not changed. Having heard the call and responded, I was forever changed. It becomes more and more difficult to return to being the person I was and continue with the old ways that weren‟t working anymore. Yet, others expect me to stay the same. As someone often has told me, “Life isn‟t fair, just suck it up!” So that is what I did.
What of my duties? Is it worth losing it all? Time to reconsider
V – Reconsidering the Journey My life didn‟t get any better when I decided to stick it out until the children graduated, until I was able to retire. I soon found myself giving up on my self. I stopped running as my body rebelled. I slept less as the dream world became too chaotic. I pulled in on many fronts. I recognized the signs of burn out and thought I could counsel myself out of the deepening depression. Having worked long and hard on my career, I was able to drift without effort and without penalty – at least, that is the way it appeared on the surface. Yet I knew better. I was a fraud and I didn‟t really teach anymore. I was just putting in time. The line between reality and fantasy became blurred as the stuff I had shoved even deeper found other ways to escape and make my life even messier. I eventually decided to go for outside counselling help, hoping that it would be enough to get me through the rest of my teaching years. I knew that once retired, I would have time for the call. I decided to return to a Master‟s program, but not in psychology. I wanted distance from psychology. I wanted to bury feeling by keeping my head busy. So, I signed up for an Master‟s which focused on technology in education. I wanted to find solid ground based on science. Perhaps I needed a new direction, a new focus to become reanimated. Under the influence of scientific assumptions, not only the psyche but the individual man and, indeed, all individual events whatsoever suffer a levelling down and a process of blurring that distorts the picture of reality into a conceptual average. (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Plight of the Individual in Modern Society,” paragraph 491.) That was a price I was willing to pay. I was willing to disappear as an individual and reappear as a blurry conceptual average as a man. I just wanted the pain in my heart to go away.
Night storms and nightmares Eyelids heavy, moods on edge And the tension grows
VI – Burn Out Midlife crisis – the real thing, not some precursor which as painful as it felt, forced the issue. Will the crisis result in action? Will it result in denial? Assuming that one decides, or falls into following the quest by default, it is then time for help to appear on the scene. After all, no one is really prepared to go on any quest, especially into unknown country. The way is filled with doubts, with fear. But the will to go forward allows a person to move forward from the known conscious world into the shadow world of the unconscious, the inner spaces of the human psyche. Without consciousness there would, practically speaking, be no world, for the world exists for us only in so far as it is consciously reflected by a psyche. Consciousness is a precondition of being. (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Individual‟s Understanding of Himself,” paragraph 528, 1958.) To turn back to the certainty of the world left behind is rejected because to return would be the end of ego, of the known self. That much is certain. Because the outer world has betrayed, the idea of another world becomes a considered possibility. And there is hope. I had hope. For those who have not refused the call, the first encounter of the hero-journey is with a protective figure (often a little old crone or old man) who provides the adventurer with amulets against the dragon forces he is about to pass. (Campbell , The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 69, 1968.) This is an important thing to realize. In facing this crisis of self and find the will to begin the work of taking the journey of self-discovery, I knew there would be help along the way. All kinds of stories, myths and tales provide examples of such supernatural aid. In Jungian psychology, one turns to the myths to find the common threads of our human story, aspects of being human that are stored within our personal and collective unconsciousness. Knowing this, I dared to begin the real journey.
Supernatural aid First encounter on the road Old man bearing gift
VI I– Guide and Talisman Since much of the first half of life involves the construction and maintenance of the persona, we often neglect our inner reality. Enter the shadow, which represents everything that has been repressed or gone unrecognized. The shadow contains all that is vital yet problematic – anger and sexuality, to be sure, but also joy, spontaneity and untapped creative fires. (Hollis, James, The Middle Passage, p. 43, 1993.) Yes, this pretty well sums up my story – a lot of repression. Of course, this is also the same story for many of us. I was so wrapped up in holding it all together with my carefully constructed roles of husband, parent, teacher, coach – my personae, that I forgot that I was more. The breakdown, with the emergence of shadow into my life in a major way, forced me to choose. Selfdestruction or dare the perilous journey to the inner world like some modern day Odysseus. I chose the journey, the hero-journey. My first stop was to the teachers‟ counselling office in search of direction, perhaps a road map for the journey. There I found out that my personal counsellor had gone on leave. In desperation I asked for another counsellor. This was how I met my guide. Protective and dangerous, motherly and fatherly at the same time, this supernatural guardianship and direction unites in itself all the ambiguities of the unconscious – thus signifying the support of our conscious personality by that other, larger system, but also the inscrutability of the guide that we are following, to the peril of our rational ends. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 69.) He was an older man, bearded and large, reminding me of a gentle bear. He listened and refused to give me tasks to hasten the return journey to ordinary life. Instead, he gave me a stone, a talisman to ground me as I continued the journey. Feeling his protection, I allowed myself to continue the journey.
“Talisman”
He and She in pain Breakdown forcing decision Guide and Talisman
VIII – Entering the Desert As experience unfortunately shows, the inner man remains unchanged however much community he has. His environment cannot give him as a gift something which he can only win for himself only with effort and suffering. On the contrary, a favourable environment merely strengthens the dangerous tendency to expect everything from outside … (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Individual‟s Understanding of Himself,” paragraph 537.) Feeling a sense of protection due to the gift of my guide, I entered into the process by crossing over from the world of community into what first appears to be a barren country, a desert. As I looked for landmarks, conscious knowledge based on the outer life, I found all missing. The land inside appeared to be a place of darkness, a place of danger. Sounds were magnified so that I heard that which had been before been perceived as silence, denied sound. The senses within were tuned to different aspects so that all appeared larger than life, or impossibly smaller than life. And I sensed that I was alone, outside of the protective ring of family and community. The regions of the unknown (desert, jungle, deep sea, alien land, etc.) are free fields for projection of unconscious content. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 79.) Projections – repressed contents, denied aspects of self which are perceived as being found in others. There are both negative as well as positive attributes that belong to the self, that are projected onto others. It‟s as though one has coloured glasses, filters, which distort outer reality. As an example of positive projection, we project our ideals of the ideal woman or man onto another when one falls in love. Conflict is one area where negative projections run rampant. Projections running rampant, dark shadows in an unknown land – beware to those who enter. My real outer world was filled with my projections, my creations. And as a result, my outer world was filled with conflict.
“Tilled Desert Country� Entering wasteland A land of four directions Boundaries, limits
IX – Darkness and Light It wasn‟t long after I began my work with the new counsellor that I was given the opportunity to attend a retreat, what the participants affectionately called a burn-out camp for teachers. I went armed with a new journal, special pens and a few books on the topic of burn-out and midlife crisis. I was armed and ready for the journey. I went with a sense of hope and a desire to be the best burnt out teacher of the group. In the circle of participants I found myself curiously alone, unable to join in the belief system that united the others. They found a sense of community in being together. However, I retreated into silence and separation whenever possible, even when in a room with the others. All was a distraction. In the silence of the night, I woke into a different world, a fearful world where all that I held to be true was now false. Black was white and white was black. I was in a shadow world. As the days passed, I watched as others seemed to find a place for themselves, a reason to be in the group. Group hugs, group walks, group chats. And I was screaming inside, “What about me? What about my self?” The nights continued to teach me about my own darkness, about the lies I lived in the outer world. If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. (Pagels, The Gnostic Gospels, p. 152.) Though drenched in fear, I walked across the barrier that bid me stop and return to my old life. I knew that to cross the barrier would forever change me. I risked it all – sanity, marriage, family, my very life. Intuitively, I knew that this was my only hope though my brain screamed at me to turn around and go home. I entered willingly, fearfully. I clutched the small green stone that was my talisman.
Appearances Deceive North, South, East, West, Up and Down Darkness, the Unknown
X – In the Arms of the Mother Psychologically the anima functions in a man as his soul. Jung described it as the archetype of life. When a man is full of life he is “animated.” The man with no connection to his soul feels dull and lifeless. Nowadays we call this depression – a prime symptom of a midlife crisis – but this experience is not new. The primitive mind called it loss of soul. (Sharp, The Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Midlife Crisis, p. 63.) For most men, midlife crisis is felt as “loss of soul.” The moodiness during midlife crisis is the result of living too much in the outer world, the world of doing and thinking, a masculine world. An active outer life typically results in a disconnection with feelings and emotions, a disconnection with one‟s soul. The soul or anima, retreats into the dark spaces of the inner world, retreats away from consciousness. And with all things buried in the unconscious, it tends to unconsciously take over. One becomes possessed. One loses control of carefully built walls which contain emotions. We become moody. One becomes depressed sensing self-control being stolen by a demon. One is caught in the grips of a mother-bound complex. When a man falls in love with a woman, he may have fallen in love because that woman represents, unconsciously, the mother he had or wished he had had. This woman, in becoming his wife, carries his projection, the inner image that represents stability and emotional security. Unfortunately, his wife, a real person and not the manifestation of his inner image, unconsciously feeds this need, binding the man even tighter to the mothertype anima, so tight he begins to feel suffocated as though swallowed whole. This was my situation. The first task on my journey then was to win my freedom from the containment, the suffocating power of the mother-type anima, the repressed soul buried deep within the shadow country of the inner world. It wasn‟t about my needing to leave this woman I married; it was about me peeling away my projections in order to find the who this woman really was.
“Securely Contained�
Anima as Soul Mother-bound, Security Swallowed, Contained
XI – Two Become One … sweetest of all, however, is that gentle and painless slipping back into the kingdom of childhood, into the paradise of parental care, into happy-go-luckiness and irresponsibility. (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Individual‟s Understanding of Himself,” par. 538.) Strange how life turns, how relationships change – falling in love, being a man on top of the world, building a new life with a partner; then as the years pass by, slipping into a comfortable role. Decisions in the home shift to the wife-mother leaving the outer world of work as the domain for husbandfather‟s control. Relations become strained as passion is buried in busyness. His need for comfort, her need for control and the end result, he becomes like a child, building yet another wall between them. What is more strange is how the self begins to slowly disappear as the years go by, how the “fusion,” the joining of two into one, becomes more about loss than it does about gain. At least, that is how it felt for me. Husband and wife cease being “individual” people in relation to each other as they become united as a couple, as parents. Marriage ceases being a partnership of conscious equals. Both are caught in the archetype of coniunctio, wondering “Who is this stranger?” that I had married. … individual psychological development – individuation – is not possible without relationship, it is not compatible with togetherness. Individuation requires a focus on the inner access, ego to unconscious. Togetherness blurs or obliterates the boundaries, because it aims at the commingling of one ego with another. (Sharp, Daryl, The Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Midlife Crisis, p. 70.) What did this commingling feel like? Being swallowed like Jonah had been swallowed by a whale. To find the undiscovered self, I had to be freed from the belly of the whale, and I had to do this on my own by destroying the monster, the anima-mother complex. And, this didn‟t mean destroying my real-life relationship; it meant that I had to deal with the complex, to acknowledge it for what it was, to remove its unconscious power.
“In the Belly of the Prairie”
Man and Women, One His return to childhood Abdication of power
XII – Dreamscapes Entering the Road of Trials, I was faced with a constantly shifting landscape. The shifts matched the shifts in my slowly changing level of consciousness. Each trial on the journey involved a small death and a rebirth as I moved from dependency to self-responsibility. A conversation between Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell, Campbell explained what was happening to me: “You are in no way a self-responsible, free agent, but an obedient dependent, expecting and receiving punishments and rewards. To evolve out of this position of psychological immaturity to the courage of self-responsibility and assurance requires a death and a resurrection. That’s the basic motif of the hero’s journey – leaving one condition and finding the source of life to bring you forth into a richer or mature condition.” (Campbell and Moyers, The Power of Myth, page 152.) Now, the work began; the work of digging through the layers of confusion, of wounding and banished dreams and fears. In the process, there were obstacles, events which tried to dissuade me from continuing the journey, testing my true spirit. The battleground was clearly defined, consciousness versus the unconscious. Separation from his instinctual nature inevitably plunges civilized man into the conflict of conscious and unconscious, spirit and nature, knowledge and faith, a split that becomes pathological the moment his consciousness is no longer able to neglect or suppress his instinctual side. (Jung, CW vol. 10, “The Philosophical and Psychological Approach to Life,” paragraph 558.) The struggles within were matched with struggles in the outer world. My dreams were the keys to charting the journey. In overcoming a monster in the shadow lands, I learned to deal with a difficult outer world situation such as in a work relationship in which I was engaged in conflict. I began to take ownership and ceased being a victim.
Dimly felt night trails Through tunnels of time and space Peopled with monsters
XIII – Power Shifts Just barely started on the journey with a sense of optimism, I encountered the first of my many trials, the clash of relationship. Interpersonal conflict seemed to be accelerating. I had conflict with students, fellow staff members, administration and at home. I couldn‟t understand why everyone was being so difficult, why I was suddenly the target of so many people all at once. As I began to change my awareness of self, I began to see the people in my life differently. I was unconsciously dropping a few of my projections and thought that people were changing. My reaction to their changes was charged with both positive and negative energy sometimes resulting in conflict. The two most significant conflicts were with school administration and with my wife. Both were keys to my situation of being dependent. At school, administration was in charge and I was expected to follow the direction charted by others. This, of course, is a natural situation when one is an employee under the supervision of authority. It is real. It isn‟t a psychological complex. However, my response to the situation became a psychological response. At home, I had abdicated power to find peace and comfort from an outside world that was never a friendly place. And that power didn‟t just disappear; it shifted over to my wife. I was solidly entrenched in a positive mother complex in my relationship to her. In attempting to take back my power, I didn‟t meet with much real resistance from her; I met with resistances from the complex. In response, to the inner resistance, the outer reality became very stormy. Of course, I intellectually knew this was going to happen, but emotionally it was a different story: … changing oneself at midlife may necessitate a hard look at one’s intimate relationship as well. Inner change often makes necessary collateral change in the relationship, whether the partner is equally inclined or not. (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p. 65.)
Shifting Reality Known Trails Dissolve in Darkness Anger and Conflict
XIV – Power Shifts In the journey within, along the road of trials, one comes to the eye of the storm within. Campbell describes this part of the journey as the “meeting with the goddess.” His description: This is the crisis at the nadir, the zenith, or at the uttermost edge of the earth, at the central point of the cosmos, in the tabernacle of the temple, or within the darkness of the deepest chamber of the heart. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 109.) At this point of the journey, there is a reunion with the anima, a reintegration of soul within the self. One way to describe the union of the masculine and feminine is symbolically, with the common image of yin and yang, a holy union of the opposites. This is one of the ways in which Jung described it: When the unconscious brings together the male and the female, things become utterly indistinguishable … (t)his is the primordial condition of things, and at the same time a most ideal achievement, because it the union of elements eternally opposed. Conflict has come to rest and everything is still or once again in the original state of indistinguishable harmony. (Jung, Analytical Psychology: It‟s Theory and Practice, p. 133.) I became familiar with anima, my soul, which took the form of a woman in my dreams. I knew that a woman or female child in my dreams were really aspects of my soul trying to give me valuable information about the state of my soul. Now, having welcomed anima back into my inner life, I felt a considerable sense of wholeness. I was tempted to think that now the hero‟s journey has reached a successful conclusion. Not a good thing to think. There was a long way to travel, yet. This union was a necessary condition for continuing the journey to wholeness in which energy, libido is freed for that the integration work yet to happen.
“Male and Female in Water�
Meeting with Goddess Embracing the feminine Mystical Marriage
XV – Eros and Logos Opposites attract, but they are difficult, if not seemingly impossible to mould into one. Yet, this is what must happen in order to become a whole person. The communion of the inner self with the outer self, psyche and soul, is how one reclaims the undiscovered self. To recognize the anima, my anima, brought forth a surge of joy and energy. I withdrew projections of anima and mother from my wife so that she stood outside of my self. Before, it was too hard to say where I ended and she began. We became, in my way of knowing, two separate people. It sounds clean and simple. But, it wasn‟t. Anima was still out there”somewhere. I chased her through my dreams and through cyberspace not realising that I didn‟t have to do any chasing as she was there within me, part of me. It is one thing to say that anima is one‟s soul and to accept the truth of that fact. The union of opposites within the psyche was more about a promise of what was to come, not a final resolution. Work still needed to be done, work on myself and on relationship to others outside of myself. In this new territory, this new way of being in the world of relationship, I became a stranger to both myself and to others. Instead of things getting better, they got worse. What had I done? What had I undone? What had been destroyed? What had been gained? For some reason, it was easier to sense what had broken than it was to see what new had arisen. The broken parts were found in the outer world in relationships with my spouse, my children, my colleagues and community. The gains were limited to the inner spaces, buried deep enough so that others could not note them. I knew that the gains were there, somewhere, if only a promise of what was yet to be. And this was enough for me to continue the journey. I was intent on finding my self.
Male and female together Enmeshed, entangled, conjoined A death and rebirth
XVI – Loss of Innocence It is difficult to be a saint, because even a patient and long-suffering nature will not readily endure such a high degree of differentiation and defends itself in its own way. The constant companion of sanctity is temptation, without which no true saint can live. (Jung, CW vol. 5, paragraph 436.) It is beyond strange that the feminine has now becomes the enemy. In conquering the negative aspect of mother and taking the feminine as a bride, that is, in accepting that the soul, anima, as a part of oneâ€&#x;s self, a man becomes confused and often angry. The psyche of a man is like an eagle, soaring in the heights of pure air, of thought, of pure light. The anima, by contrast, contains all of the earth, those aspects of life that are dark, moist, instinctual, and fecund – the opposites. Where he was contained, even smothered, in a mother-complex; man now fights being consumed by anima, by the feminine. It is more about fear of loss of control, of identity, of power than it is about wholeness. There is a struggle within as a man strives for perfection, almost for sainthood. As Campbell aptly expresses it: No longer can the hero rest in innocence with the goddess of the flesh; for she has become the queen of sin. (Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, p.123.) And in the inner world, my dreams become filled with more darkness, disgust, disease, pornography, horrors and fear. All that which I had repressed, in the attempt to live as a pure person, became activated within. And, as I struggled to contain the filth that is associated with the feminine, eruptions appeared in the outer world as anger. And there was little realisation that the cause of the anger was the stuff within; my mind blamed the outer world and believed the causes were in the outer world, in others.
Woman as Temptress Restriction of Consciousness Loss of Innocence
XVII – Seduction Games Temptations. In dreams I followed with fascination and fear the lure of anima. Sex, sex, sex. And the faces of anima didn‟t always stay the same. Sometimes people in the real world were adopted by the anima causing me no end of grief. In dreams I chased these wanton and seductive women while in real life I felt a secret embarrassment for having had these dreams, especially when life had me interact with the real person. And I struggled, not wanting to give in, not wanting to become like my father, a Don Juan being unfaithful. Guilt for having the dreams left me feeling dirty as though having the dreams was an act of betrayal of my real world marriage. Yet, the temptations refused to cease. In an attempt, to appease anima and thus escape her, I engaged her in dialogue in cyberspace. As I projected my anima into cyberspace, real women responded. And so the drama continued. Somehow, it stayed in cyberspace and didn‟t find expression in real relationships in the face-to-face world. Somehow, I knew that this was all about my psyche and anima, my persona and my shadow. In the outer world, the strain on my marriage was real. We became two strangers somehow connected by family, by children. I refused to give up and chose to get to know the woman I had married, a woman much different than the initial projections that came with love at first sight. On the whole, you work on a relationship by keeping your mood to yourself and examining it. You neither bottle up the emotion nor allow it to poison the relationship. … It is foolish to imagine that we can change the person who seems to be the cause of our heartache. But with the proper container we can change ourselves and our reactions. (Sharp, Daryl, The Survival Papers, p. 75.) Daryl Sharp‟s words are easily said and understood, but actually doing this was almost impossible. I struggled with attempts to keep my moods to myself. I learned to go into a private space, my home office, in order to defuse me moods rather than allow them to contaminate our fragile union.
Seductive, Sensuous Beckoning dark, dank spaces Damp cavern of sex
XVIII – War Against Instincts “Wait „till your father gets home!” is a threat that has been heard by most children, a threat that has been repeated in Christian churches century after century, and in all mythologies. Fear of the father, fear of God. God and Father – to separate the two as a child was not even thinkable. And within the inner spaces of self,” they became one. The father represents the world of moral commandments and prohibitions … The father is representative of the spirit whose function it is to oppose pure instinctuality. (Jung, CW vol. 5, “Symbols of Mother and Rebirth,” paragraph 396.) The need for rules is an act of consciousness. It is through rules that consciousness separates itself from the unconscious. Another name for this idea is called logos. There is no consciousness without discrimination of opposites. This is the paternal principle, the Logos, which eternally struggles to extricate itself from the primal warmth and primal darkness of the maternal womb; I a word, from unconsciousness. (Jung, CW vol. 9i,” Psychological Aspects of the Mother Archetype,” paragraph 178.) And as I attempted to escape being swallowed by the unconscious, I sensed the war that exists between the forces of darkness and light, between good and evil. Religions of the world all point to this eternal struggle. And at the head of each theology, sits the Father, an image that is regarded as the light that shines into the darkness. I knew that as one moves towards the light, one becomes more aware of the darkness and how that darkness clings. Holding to the tension of becoming more saint than sinner, I couldn‟t help having thoughts of self-denigration, that I was unworthy and that I was destined to be cast into eternal darkness by the eternal judge, the Father.
Are You my Father? Who inspires fear and wonder? Will you destroy me?
XIX – Father Knows Best What happens in the inner world will find a way of expressing itself in the outer world. So, it wasn‟t surprising to see the shadow conflict, the conflict with father, erupt in my outer life. I found my natural tendency for conflict with men in authority was increasing in intensity. My biological father had died years earlier, so my conflict with him showed up in conflicts with other men. There was history with my real father clouding the issue. I feared him both physically and mentally. I saw all of my small world give in to him and his whims. We travelled on a moment‟s notice, ill prepared. No one stood in opposition to him, not his parents, siblings nor his wife. His word was law, his physical strength was legendary, and his temper instilled fear. It was only when he was in a hospital, a time when I found out about yet another girl friend, and two more half-siblings which I took as a betrayal of my mother, that I confronted him. Even in a hospital bed and tangled in various cords, he instilled fear, a fear of his anger which filled his face as he tried to lash out and force respect and obedience. Yet I held fast. And in that moment, my relationship to my father changed. He became another man like myself, flawed and hurting and wracked with his own fears. The war was over, at least between the two of us. Yet, the war with Father, the archetype, was in full bloom. As with all projections, the authorities with whom I found myself in conflict provided the hooks to hold my projections. Like my father, they clung tightly to their authority believing that only in the use of their positional power would anyone obey their rules. It was all about power and authority, it was not about leading. I confronted their authority, became a threat to their sense of self which was wrapped up too tightly in persona. And in the confrontation, I became acknowledged. And, I reclaimed my power. I am my father‟s son; I am the father of my son. I am at one with the Father.
Name of the Father Frustrated Anger Exposed Reclaiming Power
XX – Finding God Within The tenth stage of is called apotheosis, a state of holiness, of godliness. In Jungian thought, this occurs when there is a sense of wholeness within. The term Self/God is described as: “… an archetype of wholeness and the regulating centre of the psyche; a transpersonal power that transcends the ego.” (Sharp, C.G. Jung Lexicon, p. 119.) The personal self is best described as the conscious aspect of the psyche, or the ego. In meeting with the mother archetype and the father archetype, one gains a deeper awareness of that self, one achieves as sense of wholeness. That which had been split off, banished into the shadows of the unconscious. Now, in the light, one begins to piece together the fragments and rebuild the core of self. The resultant wholeness is holiness. As Daryl Sharp goes on to explain, Experiences of the (S)elf posses a numinosity characteristic of religious revelations. Hence Jung believed there was no essential difference between the (S)elf as an experiential, psychological reality and the traditional concept of a supreme deity. (Sharp, C.G. Jung Lexicon, p. 120.) Imagine how it must feel to banish the dragons which have made one feel insignificant, as worthless. Imagine winning the power held by those dragons. In the journey through the darkness of the soul, one faces many dragons or demons. As they are exposed to the light, they cease being powerful, they become conscious aspects of self. And, in the process, one connects beyond the personal shadow and senses being a part of the whole. Therein lays the relation with what is best known as God, a God who is found within. And this is an idea that has been at the centre of Christianity for two millennia: “The kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:21), and “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you.” (Corinthians 3:16)
Binding the pieces Fragmented, separated Wholeness, holiness
XXI – The Power to Lead The journey has yielded up mysteries and I found myself finding a new strength. I knew I could not return to the life as I had known it. It was time for me to return in a way that allowed my new strengths to find a voice and a face. I decided to become a school principal. It was time for me to lead. I was ready. Or so I thought. Hubris found a way of causing me to stumble. As a leader, I had to find a new humility, something that was difficult in the months I waited while being a principal designate for a different school. I wanted nothing more than to flaunt my new power. I wanted to prove to others that I was a leader, not just a leader, but a great leader, one that would not make the mistakes of those who were supposed to be my leaders. My dreams and the reality of home life, as well as the workplace forced me to return again and again through the fire so that I could get my head on straight. Yes, I had found my centre and was healed. But, more was needed from me, a different attitude. I needed to find a way to lead myself. It was supposed to be about my wholeness, not about my ego. Knowing that to move forward in order to make a dream become a reality, I was forced to consider others, to dialogue and thus make the shift of being in the outer world possible. I didnâ€&#x;t exist in this outer world alone. After so much time spent in the inner world on the journey of healing, it was with a bit of trepidation that I took my dreams into the outer world. There, I met encouragement as well as a challenge. The challenge was to stop talking about it and do it. So, I applied for a few positions as principal of a small school. Surprisingly to me, I was offered interviews at all of these schools. And in the end, I crossed the bridge into a new career, a new way of seeing myself in the outer world.
Learning humility Challenging old attitudes Risking living dreams
XXII – Archetypal Adultery The journey has taken the hero though all manner of trials. The hero has arrived at the pinnacle of his journey. And, the hero now knows himself as a hero, as one with God, one of God‟s children. The hero is the protagonist of God’s transformation in man; he corresponds to what I call the “mana personality.” The latter has such an immense fascination for the conscious mind that the ego all too easily succumbs to the temptation to identify with the hero, thus bringing on a psychic inflation with all its consequences. (Jung, CW vol. 5, “The Dual Mother,” par. 612.) The mother complex and father complex have been uncovered freeing up energy, energizing the libido. One senses that soul has been found and it is in turn embraced. The conscious self becomes inflated, a mana personality. The ego has appropriated something that does not belong to it. But how has it appropriated the mana? If it really was the ego that conquered the anima, then the mana does indeed belong to it, and it would be correct to conclude that one has become important … It does not work because one has not in fact become important, but has merely become adulterated with an archetype, another unconscious figure. (Jung, CW vol. 7, “The Mana Personality,” par. 37.) It will not come as a surprise to note that with the ascendancy of the mana personality, there comes a corresponding fall from the lofty heights. Reality will remind us in no uncertain terms that one is indeed a fallible human, not a god from Ancient Greece, nor a modern day saint. I would think that I would have known better, especially after having done all the work to get this far on the journey. But the temptation was just too great. Besides, it all feels so good when caught up in this unconscious figure, this archetype. What a rush to walk with the gods and be at one with them.
Ascending, soaring Embracing the paths of gods Faltering, falling
XXIII – The Perfect Fairytale I moved to take on the leadership of the school located in a new community. I moved there alone to prove myself to myself as well as to my family. This was about affirming my rights, my worth on my own. I had the brains, the training and now I would be taking the challenge. The new community only knew me as a leader, no history. I made small moves to meet others. I listened, I watched, I gave help, I encouraged, I celebrated with my students, staff and community. I had no other ambition other than to be there, fully. And it was good. I won‟t pretend that there weren‟t problems. In truth, it was a difficult assignment, a small community that was split into two factions, each with their own school yet both sharing the same gymnasium. Twice during the year we made national news because of that core conflict. Yet, none of this felt difficult. As I walked the town‟s few streets, people from both sides of the community were friendly towards me. Their conflict was with their neighbours and extended family members who chose the other camp. While the community continued to have the conflict percolate through their days, I invested in celebrating the uniqueness of the school, the history, the myths, and the artefacts – everything that would serve to rekindle pride. And it worked. I had made it as a leader. I was seen and celebrated by the school community as a good leader. Everything I had touched had turned into gold as if I had spent a year in a perfect fairytale. I was indestructible. But then, the past caught up with me, or should I say reality came calling. The fairytale was revealed to be just that, a fairytale. What about my marriage? What about her dreams? What about her needs? In an attempt to blend both together, I sought a new school in a new community where we could both pursue our dreams.
Leading with courage Caught in the myth of hero Shadow came calling
XXIV – Refusing to Return Lessons have been learned. The journey, a search for meaning has resulted in healing the soul and discovering self worth. It was time to return. Oh, I knew that there was much yet to discover in the vast landscapes of the inner world, however there was a well-earned hope that what yet remains to be discovered would still be there for discovering while being fully present in my outer world. I had found meaning, a will to live and a good measure of self respect. Even the pain and suffering that had wounded my self from childhood to the present state has been graced with meaning and purpose. I discovered, not a victim, but a hero in answering the call to this journey. Daryl Sharp commented about this journey, the search for wholeness and meaning and those who have dared this journey by saying that those: ‌ who have heard the call to an individual life, are the chosen ones. Under cover and by devious paths they set forth to their destruction or salvation, seeking by direct experience of the eternal roots. Following the lure of the restless objective psyche, they find themselves alone in the wilderness. Will they save their souls, become personalities? Will they individuate? Discover who they are, really? (Sharp, Who Am I Really?, p. 134.) To have dared this journey has been rewarded with the greatest of all boons. Now what? The next step along the journey is to step back into the world taking the treasure back into oneâ€&#x;s community so as to effect change in the consciousness of the collective. What? Leave this wonderland for the drab world that had so wounded?
Wounds become sacred Dreams become familiar friends Return becomes a threat
XXV – Who Is This Stranger? Though I found myself in a different school which had a different history, a different community culture and different needs, I was still the golden wonder child of school administration in my own head. My success in the first school left me believing that the force of my vision was enough to carry all those who now saw me as the leader into a brighter future. I didn‟t abandon the journey, the inner journey that had brought me back to the land of the living. I stayed with what I had learned along the way, what I had learned about my self. Somehow, I had lost sight of others. I believed it was enough for me to recognize my own shadows, the others of my inner world. The lessons learned in approaching the first school were forgotten. I wanted to just continue from where I had left off in the previous school, to build on what I had learned. And so, I found myself alone in a strange place that was filled with people. I was the wounded healer coming to heal the wounded found in this new school. The problem was, I didn‟t know these wounded people; I didn‟t do the work of getting to know them, to hear about their wounding and their healing needs. I assumed that they would simply follow the bright shining star which I was following, a star that burned within me. Even before the first day of school, the cracks began to show. The lack of connection between my self and the staff widened from simply being strangers to a level of fear on their part. Who was this stranger who seemed to walk without actually touching the earth? I had sown the seeds my own downfall in this school. Unaware of the state of relations, I listened to each complaint and masterfully resolved each issue that came forward. However, instead of moving toward a better state of being, the complaints began to multiply. I problem-solved faster and faster only to find myself sinking further and further into a black hole.
Brutal reality A Stranger in a strange land Why can’t they see me?
XXVI – The Magic Flight The treasure of the hero‟s journey is awareness of self. Not only awareness of self, but of one‟s relation to the greater whole, God/Self. One knows that consciousness of self is also about awareness of one‟s relationship to the cast of characters, the archetypes that are part of both the personal and collective unconsciousness. One knows the power of the archetypes and how easily it is to be consumed by the archetype. These archetypes are the guardians of the collective unconscious of humankind. To win self-awareness is a monumental task, a heroic task considering the need to confront and pass these guardians. As Joseph Campbell describes it: On the other hand, if the trophy has been attained against the opposition of its guardian, or if the hero’s wish to return to the world has been resented by the gods or demons, then the last stage of the mythological round becomes a lively, often comical, pursuit. This flight may be complicated by marvels of magical obstruction and evasion. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 197.) On the return to world as a transformed person, in many ways as a re-born person, similar to a phoenix rising out of the ashes, the self is met by all kinds of setbacks as though the complexes and archetypes are attempting to keep their power which had become dominant even in the outer world. The tests and challenges continued. Old habits are hard to lose, especially those which have evolved in context with other people and other activities. It was not enough to just change and be aware of the change. I also had to be ready for the known world to have remained the same and to have that world not recognize any change within me. Returning often involves significant losses. Perhaps, these are the biggest challenges yet to be faced. Will I regress out of depression and defeat because of the losses, especially the loss of a significant other or the loss of identity in the community?
The Holy Grail Transformational rebirth Relationship losses
XXVII – Hired Gun Cleaning House I almost gave up. I ended up taking leave and then relocating to another school. However, the nightmares continued even in yet another school. Only this time, it wasn‟t an issue of the staff or students; it became a new version of conflict with the director of education. Again, I bumped hard against the father archetype getting significantly bruised in the process. Each day in the school again became a good day. Yet, behind the scenes a phantom menace was building. Uncharacteristically, I caved in and conceded defeat to this menace. With the grateful blessing of the director, I searched for a new school to lead, one with a different director. As I let the staff, students and local school board know of my departure, I was met with shock. Why was I leaving? Didn‟t I like the community and the school? In the fall, another new school and within less than two weeks I found myself in a battle for professional survival. The new director watched carefully as he expected trouble from the staff. The school staff had a history of rebelling against authority. I was brought in to clean up their act, and they knew it and resented it. I was under no illusions. I ended up replacing a few staff members and shaking their belief system, forcing them to give up privilege for a few for the welfare of all students and staff. I drew upon outside agencies to assist in the transformation of that school. I burned all relationship bridges in an attempt to provide a foundation that was needed for a healthier school. I became the shadow for the school. The job done, I resigned; not in despair, but knowing that I had finally arrived as a school leader. Though they had fought hard, there was surprise that I would then leave them. But, I knew that the school needed a new start with a new leader now that the pieces were all in place. It was time to find my final school.
A phantom menace Conflict with authority Burning all bridges
XXVIII – Rescue From Without The hero may have to be brought back from his supernatural adventure by assistance from without. That is to say, the world may have to come and get him. For the bliss of the deep abode is not lightly abandoned in favour of the self-scattering of the wakened state. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 207.) Campbell goes on to note that community will pull one back. Being alive, there is unwillingness for on the part of community to allow one to opt out of society. Campbell suggests that it is about jealousy. In my opinion, community needs all of its members to participate in order to feel validated. Should one opt out, it is taken as a negative criticism of the community, its values and beliefs. Community and its members fear difference as it threatens. Should others be right, then we must be wrong – it‟s a black and white, an either-or world for them. Of course, it isn‟t just community that comes to rescue the self from itself. Those who are in close relationship exert their own influence as they try to fill their own relationship needs. The journey requires one to return to society in order to bring new riches to that society. Jung, in no uncertain terms, affirms the requirement to return to one‟s community. As the individual is not just a single, separate being, but by his very existence presupposes a collective relationship, it follows that the process of individuation must lead to more intense and broader collective relationships and not isolation. (Jung, CW vol. 6, Definitions, par. 755.) This was the greatest danger that faced me during this journey, the danger of not finding my way back into community. And as with many other parts of the journey, it is was through the aid of another that I was able to find the will as well as the way to go home, to my home in the outer world.
Rescue from without Return to an outer world Community need
XXIX – Finding My Way Back I have to admit that I was often lost in my head. Though I worked in a school, counselled students and staff, taught a few courses along the way and organised the life of the school I lead, I was never fully present. The inner world, the world of shadows, dreams – this is where I found myeslf being at home during the latter years of my career. Sadly, this isolated me from community, a community that actually wanted me to be present, a community that had found me to be a worthy leader and community member. They only got a small part of me, one that was almost fully working on automatic pilot. Much the same could be said of my home relationships. I was quiet. I was frequently hidden behind a book or somewhere in cyberspace via my computer. With my children living in their own homes, I had more space, more opportunity to be away on another quest within. And there, in my house, a woman waited for me. Often I didn‟t want to take anymore responsibility for holding our relationship together. I didn‟t want to fall into old traps, old habits. I didn‟t want to become dependent upon this woman, a strong woman. I wanted the power of “me.” Fear of returning, of coming back. So much of this fear was because I felt I would easily become lost in her. I didn‟t know how to own my “self” in her presence. This is something I created within myself, not something she created. Yet, she stayed there, at home, waiting for me. Those moments I opened up to the outer world, she met me and walked with me. If anything, she was finally glad to meet the man behind the mask, the man behind the mirror. I wasn‟t the only one taking a hero‟s journey. And finally, this dawned on me, and I heard her calling me to come home.
The thrill of the quest Dreading the return to home Fear of regressing
XXX – Return Threshold The first problem of the returning hero is to accept as real, after an experience of the soul-satisfying vision of fulfillment, the passing joys and sorrows, banalities and noisy obscenities of life. (Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, p. 218.) You would think that having gone through the alchemical process of transformation that the world would greet the returning hero with some awe, some sort of hero‟s welcome. But it doesn‟t work that way. The search for the undiscovered self is rewarded by the discovery of the Self. It is as simple as that. The world hasn‟t changed; the people with whom one was in relation have not changed either. One returns and the only thing that has changed has been the self. Well, that isn‟t exactly true. The transformative changes that have occurred will create ripples that will produce change in others in the home and in the community, small changes to be sure, but changes none-the-less. James Hollis has this to say about returning: Thus, a concern for individuation is not narcissistic; it is the best way to serve society and support the individuation of others. The world is not served by those who are alienated from themselves and others, nor by those who in their pain bring pain to others. (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p.99) There was a new task awaiting for me upon my return, the rediscovery of my self in relation to others, the renovations to my persona that are based on clearer visions of my self and the others in my life. With the removal of many of the projections placed on those in intimate relationships as well as those on the peripheral edges, I was able to make choices about what needed to be changed in terms of these relationships. Unfortunately for many, this stage often leads to the dissolution of a marriage. Often others are unable to accept that there has been change or else they are unable to accept those changes. One thing is certain, one can never return to the way it was.
Is this selfishness? What about the needs of others? Do they know their needs?
XXXI – Reintegration into the World Now that I had returned and chose to be my self with this woman who had waited, I wasnâ€&#x;t too sure that she would choose to remain. I didnâ€&#x;t know if I would choose to remain. There was history to consider, history that has worked to shape our relationship. It became a day-to-day work for both of us. And, in the process, I watched her change and our style of relationship change. We were still the opposites in almost everything, but now instead of filling in the holes of self unconsciously, I was able to have separation without fearing abandonment. What has changed? Attitude. I have become less needy, less demanding of constant approval. I have given myself some space both inside and outside of my heart and mind. Also, the relationship is changing. Both of us realise that the final shape of the relationship is yet to be defined. There has developed a cautious approach to defining the relationship in concrete terms. And this actually feels right. Relationship to my children? I am able to see them as adults in their own right. There is a significant separation in terms of geography which limits contact. Yet, in spite of that separation of space, I sense a continuing bond that is strong. Perhaps youth are more flexible in accepting change in their parents. Relationship to my community? Though I have retired, I am still held in the esteem of many in the community for my role in the community as school principal. There is still some distance to bridge in order for them to become aware of me as a person. That said, there are changes happening in terms of my presence in community. I am less driven to attend all the functions as I would have done when I was the principal. Now, I relax more and choose how and when I participate. There is little doubt that time will become the determining factor in terms of my real influence upon community as a changed, more complete person.
Return to the hearth Return to community Bridging self and other
XXXII – Master of Two Worlds Having travelled the shadow lands of inner space, fighting complexes in the guise of monsters, and having returned with the prize; I became at one with self and other. Strangely, there are few, if any changes in the demands of life and from others. It became simply acknowledging others for who they are rather than as hooks for projections of unconscious inner shadows. But in saying this, it is important to note that, in truth, the work is never complete. Rather, it is a process. Master of two worlds? Well, that would be stretching the truth. Rather, it would best characterise this next to last stage as being at “home” in both worlds, the outer world of relation to others and the inner world of relation to self. In returning home and to community, being present is sometimes hard work, especially because of the losses suffered of one sort or the other. James Hollis acknowledges this truth: A person who has suffered loss and the withdrawal of projections will have struggled with the dependencies which haunt us all, but also will have asked the next question, “How much of the unknown me was tied up in that person or that role?” (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p. 103.) But it can‟t all be about rebuilding connections with others with eyes wide open; there is also the need to continue to take time for self. There will always be more to discover, more to uncover about the nature of the self in relation to the whole. Hollis goes on to suggest: For some, it helps to devise a daily ritual of private meaning which obliges one to sit quietly, with no phone, no children, nothing, and to listen to the silence. … The purpose of a ritual is to link a person to the larger rhythms of life. (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p. 103.) The time spent with self in connection with the inner world has to become quality time, just as important as being fully present with others in the outer world.
Shadow dancing Rebuilding relationships On a razor’s edge
XXXIII – On Not Being Perfect I have learned a lot during the journey. I began to paint as part of the process of discovering what needed to be expressed. I also returned to writing poetry, something I used to do with passion many years earlier, something that got lost along the way. I pay attention to my dreams now rather than dreading them. There is a story to be told about dreams and perhaps someday that story will be told. Curiously, I have almost stopped playing music, and curiously, that doesn‟t cause me concern. And, I have returned to my passions of photography and writing. My relationships are changing. Those people I have for friends are separate people, not holders of my complexes for the most part. I take them at face value and enjoy the moments I choose to share with them. And that is the important part for me, choosing to share time rather than obligated to share time with these people. It doesn‟t come as a surprise to me that I am beginning to have more friends than at any other time of my life. It isn‟t about allowing them into my life, it is more about my allowing myself to be with people without having something to gain or out of obligation. For the most part, I have stopped feeling guilty at not being perfect. I don‟t have to do everything almost before anyone thinks of a task that needs doing. Before I could never go fast enough, be good enough, work hard enough, run fast enough … Now, I am learning to sleep when I go to bed and relax during the day when I am tired. I am taking quiet time, time alone to myself. And out of this change, I find myself filled with energy to write and share this story with you. I am learning that in giving back to community in this way, I am also giving back to myself. The ripples go both ways. I help to transform the collective though work on transforming myself. I have stopped being a follower or a leader. I have discovered my own unique way and now follow it.
A time for silence Connecting self and other Rebuilding, changing
XXXIV – Freedom to Live The freedom to live, to be; that is the greatest of all treasures that come to those who dare to make this journey of becoming aware of one‟s self. Risking the journey through the shadow country of the inner self, risking sanity, risking changes to the outer life – there is nothing to be taken for granted nor, a promise of what will be uncovered. Yet once through the trials, following the call back to the outer world, one brings a precious gift to others though they may never even know the source of the boon given to them. And that boon? To live with passion, living life fully present. As James Hollis advises: To find and follow one’s passion is not necessarily to take off … for there are commitments to honor, people whose lives are affected by our decisions, and something to say for staying a course to which we have moral responsibility. Yet we are still obliged to live our passion lest our lives remain trivial and provisional, as it some day all would become clear and choices easy. Life is seldom clear and easy; yet choice is what defines and validates a life. (Hollis, The Middle Passage, p. 106.) So, the tracing of a heroic journey, a myth, comes to an end. Joseph Campbell traces the outline of the hero‟s journey knowing like Carl Jung, that the story is the story of every human, not just of every man. Today, it is important that each of us dare the journey for as Jung wrote near the end of his life in concern about the needs of humanity: … we stand in need of reorientation, a metanoia. Touching evil things brings with it the grave peril of succumbing to it. We must, therefore, no longer succumb to anything at all, not even to the good. (Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, p. 329.) Why? Succumbing is to give up life; it requires one to give up self to control by other, by the collective shadow, the collective unconscious. Not anymore! I demand the freedom to live as myself, the freedom to be me!
Be, live, with passion Be no more a follower Be fully present
XXXV – Choosing to Continue the Journey Writing this personal story of journey has not been an easy task. In a way, it is autobiographical. So much is left out, a necessity in trying to fit into the predetermined template of this book. Of course, there is no real objectivity in telling my story and the truth is only partially exposed. Trying to expose the movements of an interior world is only possible through hints and expressed moods and possibilities. Recounting movements of the outer world is also problematical in that it is impossible for me to be objective about myself. I am grateful for Jung‟s lifetime work for many reasons, especially for somehow finding its way into my life and serving as guide posts as I stumbled through my midlife crisis. Jung asks me to be gentle with myself while at the same time as he prods me to listen to that inner voice that compels me to wrestle with the demons and shadows which were born in my childhood. And so, I turn once again to Carl Jung: We are a psychic process which we do not control, or only partly direct. Consequently, we cannot have any final judgment about ourselves or our lives. If we had, we would know everything – but at most that is only a pretense. At bottom we never know how it has all come about. The story of a life begins somewhere, at some particular point we happen to remember; and even then it was highly complex. We do not know how life is going to turn out. Therefore the story has no beginning and the end can only be vaguely hinted at. (Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, p. 4.) And so, it comes as no surprise that the hero‟s journey is not yet done for me. The task of individuation remains in front of me for as long as I have an awareness of self. And when that awareness is gone, the journey is finished, at least for this known universe. Will it continue in some other time or place, in some other form? It really doesn‟t matter. It is enough that I choose to live with my eyes wide open to the outer world as well as keeping the same spirit of openness to the shifting shadow world of my inner self. I will continue the task of searching within for more.
Endings, beginnings Meet, repeat and unite Unfinished journey
Bibliography The Holy Bible. New York: Pillar Books, 1976. Campbell, Joseph. The Hero With a Thousand Faces (BollingenSeries XVII). Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2nd edition, 1968. Campbell, Joseph with Moyer, Bill, The Power of Myth. New York: Anchor Books, 1988. Hollis, James. The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife, Toronto: Inner City Books, 1993. Jung, Carl G. The Collected Works (BollingenSeries XX), 20 vols. Trans. R.F.C. Hull. Ed. H.Read, M. Fordham, G. Alder, Wm. McGuire. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1953-1979. Jung, Carl G. Memories, Dreams, Reflections. New York: Vintage Books, 1989. Pagels, Elaine. The Gnostic Gospels. New York: Vintage Books, 1981. Sharp, Daryl. The Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Midlife Crisis. Toronto: Inner City Books, 1988. Sharp, Daryl. Dear Gladys: The Survival Papers, Book 2. Toronto: Inner City Books, 1989. Sharp, Daryl. C.G. Jung Lexicon: A Primer of Terms and Concepts. Toronto: Inner City Books, 1991. Sharp, Daryl. Who Am I, Really?: Personality, Soul and Individuation. Toronto: Inner City Books, 1995.
Photo Endnotes Note: All photos were taken with a Sony DSC-H50 Cybershot camera using a series of three bowers in order to attach a Digital Concepts 3x telephoto converter. To produces “tunnel vision” effect, it was necessary not to extend the camera‟s telephoto lens to its fullest range. In the following notes, location and date are recorded. Page 7: Bienfait, SK. May 5, 2009.
Page 45: Elrose, SK. May 5, 2009.
Page 9: Delise, SK. May 20, 2009.
Page 47: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009.
Page 11: Saskatchewan Landing Provincial Park, SK. May 25, 2009.
Page 49: Elrose, SK. May 20, 2009.
Page 13: Chaplin, SK. May 5, 2009. Page 15: Chaplin, SK. May 5, 2009. Page 17: Laura, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 19: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009. Page 21: Ernfold, SK. May 5, 2009. Page 23: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009. Page 25: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009. Page 27: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009. Page 29: Laura, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 31: Tessier, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 33: Elrose, SK. May 5, 2009. Page 35: Elrose, SK. May 13, 2009.
Page 51: Elrose, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 53: Rosetown, SK. May 7, 2009. Page 55: Vanscoy, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 57: Elrose, SK. May 20, 2009. Page 59: Elrose, SK. May 23, 2009. Page 61: Lang, SK. May 5, 2009. Page 63: Saskatchewan Landing Provincial Park, SK. May 22, 2009. Page 65: Saskatchewan Landing Provincial Park, SK. May 225, 2009. Page 67: Saskatchewan Landing Provincial Park SK. May 25, 2009., Page 69: Elrose, SK. May 20, 2009.
Page 37: Elrose, SK. May 13, 2009.
Page 71: Saskatchewan Landing Provincial Park, SK. May 22, 2009.
Page 39: Bienfait, SK. May 5, 2009.
Page 73: Elrose, SK. May 13, 2009.
Page 41: Elrose, SK. May 7, 2009.
Page 75: Elrose, SK. May 24, 2009.
Page 43: Harris, SK. May 20, 2009.