Hitting the Marriage highway by Rhoda Alex

a spiritual and pra ctical guide

For

all young men about to hit the marriage highway

word of

Thanks

Our gratitude to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for giving us the opportunity to use our talents and knowledge for building good Christ centred homes in a small way. We are thankful to Mr.Philip Cherian and the staff at Formations for giving us this challenging assignment and supporting us through it. Our thanks also to Dr.Bennet E Sundersigh, Professor, English Department, National College, Trichy, (Selina’s brother) and Rhoda Alex (Ronald’s sister) for editing this booklet. We thank each other for the 18 shared years of thick and thin till date that has helped us put together this booklet. It is our deep regret that this project has taken an undue amount of time to complete. We have learned that procrastination and prioritising according to our knowledge and will are some of Satan’s traps that we easily fall prey to. However our Lord Jesus makes everything perfect in His time. With praise and thankfulness to our Lord we submit this work for His glory. Ronald and Selina

CONTENT 6

Inroduction - I am getting married

? WHY MARRIAGE

God And Your Wife Be Clear About This

Your Parents And Your Wife

READINESS

Spiritual Readiness

Physical Readiness

Emotional Readiness

Cultural Readiness

Financial Readiness

key points About the Authors

45 46

I AM GETTING MARRIED

It’s a heady feeling isn’t it? For any ‘eligible’ bachelor, it is exciting to be on the verge of getting married. Along with excitement comes a bag full of emotions and feelings - anxiety, love, past worries, future worries, peer pressure, parental pressure, figuring out the fiancé etc. Most bachelors look forward to getting married and believe its a relatively easy thing to do. Many find only the actual day of marriage a bit daunting. Our culture is such that it has been supporting the concept of marriage since ancient times and the ceremony itself is given great importance across religions and communities. In our country, an average bachelor would have attended at-least two dozen wedding ceremonies, before his own. It is only natural that bachelors feel that with a few minor adjustments and easy compromises postmarried life will go on smoothly. After the knot is tied, for some, things do remain more or less the same and life goes on like a fairy tale. But for some, it is full of surprises – pleasant and unpleasant and often with a larger share of the latter. As a result the first few valuable romantic years are mostly spent on setting things right, often learning & pondering over what could have been done or avoided. Suddenly, the status of an ‘eligible’ bachelor is lost to that of a ‘struggling’ new husband. So firstly, this booklet hopes to explain the complete meaning of the word ‘eligible’ in the phrase ‘eligible bachelor’. We hope to help you to be an eligible bachelor as well as an eligible husband. We have provided practical tips and guidelines from a biblical point of view and the Indian cultural perspective. It may not give all the answers to all your questions. However, we earnestly believe, with the help of the Holy Spirit, this booklet will certainly turn your thoughts in the right direction enabling you to respond to demanding situations in a proactive manner. 7

2 WHY MARRIAGE?

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” In a world where all kinds of relationships are mushrooming and gaining acceptance, it is important to answer the question “why marriage” upfront. The institution of marriage was created by God in the Garden of Eden. If you read the Bible carefully you will realize that it is for the benefit of man that the institution of marriage was created. Genesis 2:18 says, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” This effectively means that it is bad for man to be alone. Therefore ‘a bachelor always’ is not according to God’s plan. Also note thatGod did not create Eve together with Adam. HE created Adam first and gave him the task of naming all beasts of the field and all the birds of the air, observed him and then the Bible says in Genesis 2:20, But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So God got into action {Gen 2: 21 & 22} and created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. The beauty is that, God brought her and presented her to Adam. God, in his infinite wisdom created Eve to be Adams ‘wife’ – Gods own solution for man’s loneliness. Secondly, God decided that Adam needed a human companion and not one from the beasts or birds! So let’s be thankful to God for creating Eve and let’s accept the institution of marriage. An equally important purpose why God brings a man and woman together in marriage is for His mission. Irrespective of our profession, each one of us, as individuals and as family we are called to carry out the great commission as mentioned in Mathew 28:18-20. He who knows us from our mother’s womb also knows our bride and He knows that your combination works! Just as God brought Eve to Adam, God will bring the Eve of your life to you. Submit to His will prayerfully.

3 GOD AND YOUR WI FE

I wish she understands ME... It is the dream of every bachelor to get an understanding wife. Do you know that the bible says that only the Lord can give you an understanding wife? Proverbs 9.14 (NLT Version) says, “Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the LORD can give an understanding wife.” How simple can that be.... all you have to do is ask God and trust Him completely. Go down on your knees and pray for Gods guidance in your search for a suitable bride. Beseech Him to lead you to her and vice-versa. Pray for her well-being too. You will be surprised that even the Bible lists the benefits of having an understanding wife. Here are some examples... Pro12:4 A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown Pro 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the LORD. You will be even more surprised that the Bible warns you of things that will happen if you do not have an understanding wife. Pro 21:19 It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. The Bible also articulates beautifully the role of a husband and wife in Ephesians 5.21 onwards. Please read it up and we are sure you will be encouraged to submit to God so that you will enjoy His gift of an understanding wife.

4 3 B EOC EA G DL A NRD BO Y OA U R U WTI F E THIS

GOD created Adam & Eve and not Adam & Steve!! Surely you understand the point that is being made here. Of late we have seen celebrities and the general public openly choosing same sex marriages. Unfortunately, such marriages are also approved by some Churches and Christian organizations in some countries. This is certainly not Biblical. The Bible records such incidents with unmistakable clarity â&#x20AC;&#x201C; God destroyed the city where people were indulging in unnatural and illicit relationships. The sister cities of Sodom & Gomorrah were destroyed because of the promiscuity there as recorded in Genesis chapter 19 verses 1 to 25. Similarly, in Leviticus 18: 22 & 23, the Bible clearly prohibits sexual relationship between two men, two women, man & animal and woman & animal. If anyone is entangled in such a relationship, there is relief and victory through the blood of Jesus Christ. Prayerfully submit yourself to the Lord and approach good Christian counsellors who will help and guide you out of such relationships.

5 YOUR PA R E N T S AND YOUR WIFE

LEAVE AND UNITE TWO BECOME ONE One of the most powerful and important verses about marriage in the Bible can be found in Gen 2:24 quoted below: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Jesus also quotes this verse in Mathew 19:5. Leaving your parents and being united to your wife is basic and important for your marriage to work. What does this mean? It means that your relationship with your wife becomes primary and the relationship with your parents become secondary. As a couple you become individualistic - you become the head of your family – and therefore not driven by the emotional dictate of your parents. ‘Leaving’ does not mean leaving them physically. You may be far away from your parents but still not united with your wife! ‘Uniting’ means that you are emotionally and physically bound to your wife. You and your wife share the most precious and sacred bond in the world that features next only to each individuals bond with God. And Jesus’ words on the husband and wife relationship are simple and powerful, “and the two are united into one... let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Mathew 19.6. Accept her completely the moment you are married. Period. Make all decisions (however trivial) regarding your life post- marriage along with your wife. You may consult your parents, keep them informed - do not ignore them - but let the final decision rest on

you and your wife. This may not be easy at first, but pray to God to help you do this in the correct balanced manner without hurting either party. You or your spouse may be tempted to quote Genesis 2.24 and remove yourself slowly from your parents’ life. Sometimes parents may find it difficult to relinquish their claim on you – but all this can be tackled with prayer, patience and love. Also, do not assume that this will not work if you are living along with your parents – it works. Our Indian culture has shown to the world that joint-families are possible even in the 21st century – and with Christ as the centre of our families this should be even more possible. So if you find yourself in a situation where you need to live with your parents – do not worry. Yes there are pressures of globalization, western lifestyle preferences etc – be aware that these maybe the biggest causes for your desire to move away from your parents both in physical proximity and emotional connect.

HONOUR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER The Bible has an equally powerful verse regarding our relationship with our parents and it is also one of the 10 commandments. The 5th commandment (Exodus 20:12) reads as below Honour your father and your mother as the LORD your God has commanded you, This commandment when followed promises a blessing so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

Simple - right? Honour your parents and have a good life. This is surely not a contradiction to ‘leaving and uniting with your wife’. You have to be the bridge between your parents and your wife – you have to enable them to see the best in each other.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER If all the above is confusing you, then consider the new commandment that Jesus gave us :So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. John 13.34. Love your wife and love your father and your mother just as Jesus loves you. And if you want the definition of love please turn to Corinthians 13.4 -8. It begins like this….Love is patient and kind…and ends like this… Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

READINESS The first five chapters of this book explained the ab oslute basics of a Christian m arriage Now let us move on to finding out how ready you are to get married

Spiritual Readiness How can light live with darkness?

Spiritual readiness refers to all things pertaining to your spirit and soul â&#x20AC;&#x201C; basically not the material things. Is your soul aligned with the Lord Jesus Christ and is your inner man strong in his relationship with God? When you are spiritually strong, you will be able to step into the challenges of a married life with the ultimate backing. When problems arise, you will quickly run to the Lord for solace and strength and you will be able to discern the best advice that will be given by friends, family and well wishers. And like David says in Psalm 62.6 you will say He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. When your wife is also a believer, then together you can grow spiritually. Paul stresses the importance of spirituality in the marriage by categorically stating in II Cor 6:14... Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t team up with those who

are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? Please understand that when you marry someone who shares your faith, greater the compatibility, greater the chances of continuing your walk with God from strength to strength without going astray. In I Cor 7.14 Paul says, ‘ For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage.’ Marrying out of faith is trying to put together light and darkness. Don’t do it ...for your sake and especially for the sake of your children. But, if you are not a spiritually strong person, pray that you may get a wife who is so, because the Bible also says, a wife’s godly life will help win you over to obeying the Good News of salvation. Paul himself says in I Cor 7.16... {NLT} Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? If you are to grow in spiritual life, the Bible says that you need to treat your wife well… Treat your wife with understanding as you live together... Treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered. I Peter 3.7 {NLT} Even when you have married someone who shares your Christian faith...there could be some challenges .Not to worry! Just be prepared.

DOCTRINAL DIFFERENCES It is quite possible that your wife might come from a different doctrinal background from yours. You may be an Anglican whereas you wife may be from Methodist, Pentecostal, Lutheran or even belonging to an independent church. There is nothing wrong with this. Both your personal relationships with Lord Jesus is all that matters â&#x20AC;&#x201C; if HE is the personal saviour to both of you, His love will carry you through your differences.

Be aware of the differences and accept the differences

Do not condemn her doctrinal background

Please do not ridicule it, you or your family

Explain your backgrounds to each other

Do not expect consensus on all issues.

Go to a church together

Take turns and then slowly you will arrive at which is best suited for your family

DIFFERENT BELIEFS You may believe in speaking in tongues whereas she may not. This is just an example, she may believe in fasting and you may not. Just because your spouse doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t share your beliefs, you should not come to the conclusion that she is not a committed Christian and thus an unbeliever. It takes time and patience to understand

each other’s beliefs and appreciate them without prejudice. Resorting to condemnation or mockery will spell doom to marriage.

RELIGIOUS TRADITIONS Pentecost churches insist on their faithful members wearing white clothes. Clapping & singing may not be encouraged in CSI or CNI churches whereas it may be prevalent in Methodist or Assembly of God Churches. These traditions are expressions of faith as perceived by the followers. Look at them as small differences that are superficial. Our good Lord looks at your heart. You can learn more about these differences - accept and use them to come closer to the Lord as a family.

PRAYING AND READING THE BIBLE Prayer life differs from person to person. You may be a person who likes to pray for a long time with a long list of supplications but your wife maybe used to short prayers; similarly the style may be different too. Agree upon a common time when both of you can spend time together in prayer and then continue with your individual prayers. Your prayer lives should complement each other. The Bible is such a beautiful and vast book that it can be read in different ways. Again there can be differences in reading method. One may use a guide and the other may not. Your interpretation and personal understanding of a passage may be different from that of your wife’s. That is the beauty of the Bible. Sharing each other’s understanding itself could be a great learning experience. The focus should be on the word of GOD.

INVOLVEMENT IN MINISTRY You may be an avid evangelical ministry supporter, either traditional or new-age but your wife may not show much interest in it. Or she could differ in her choice of ministry support. Whatever be the case, involving yourselves in God’s ministry is a must. Depending on your talent and calling you both must make a choice which must be again appreciated by either of you. Also identify at least one ministry in which both of you can work together as it will give both of you a chance to spend time together and serve God together.

TITHING Tithing or giving one tenth of your income to God has all the makings of a sensitive issue especially because it involves money. When it comes to parting with your hard earned money you become very emotional too. The Bible clearly says if we do not tithe, we are robbers of GOD. Malachi 3:8 & 9 says Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. “But you ask, ‘How do we rob you?’ “In tithes and offerings.” You are under a curse--the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. However, there could be differences with your spouse in terms of calculating the tithe & offerings amount – should it be on the gross income or net income. It is not for us to negotiate or argue with GOD because the whole world and all its wealth belong to HIM; in HIS mercy he has chosen us to be the custodians or stewards of some wealth. It pays to approach the whole issue keeping this in mind and give to the Lord happily as a family. (more tips in the finance section!)

physical Readiness Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit ?

The Bible says that you need to honour the Lord with your body and that it is His holy temple where His spirit abides (I Corinthians 6.19). So remember that the physical union after marriage is a Holy one – honour her & honour God. WHAT ABOUT SEX ? Any young man would be very anxious about this major physical aspect of marriage – ‘sex’ . If you are not sure at all about what to do or doubtful of how to handle it – do share your anxieties with another male who is married (a happy Christian). You can approach a doctor too if you are really worried. But remember it is something very natural; millions of human beings have passed through this phase successfully. With a prayerful approach, your experience will be blessed. Even if everything is not as you dreamed, you have got an entire lifetime to learn about each other physically. Also, it would be wise to look at the physical union as just one of the important parts of a married life - it

is not the be all and end all. Pray to God that both of you are blessed with happiness in this aspect of your married life. He will take care. Do not have ‘over- the – board’ expectations regarding sex – it is vastly overrated in the media. Do not expect your wife to be shy, enthusiastic etc. Accept her as she is with regards to physical side of the relationship – as you become more intimate and comfortable with each other- you will find her understanding your desires. She will also come with some expectations regarding this, respect that. Above all pray about these things too. The Bible says in I Corinthians 7.3,4 The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

PHYSICAL CLEANLINESS Keep your body clean. If your job or your commute home makes you sweaty – please shower when your reach home – a very quick one is enough. Use fresh innerwear every day. These are things that could be embarrassing for your wife to talk to you immediately about. Smelling nice and being clean will be a big plus for your intimate moments.

SHE IS DIFFERENT FROM YOU Women are different from men, God made them like that. As mentioned earlier, God observed Adam for some time and then decided to give him a suitable companion and created Eve. She is made for you – she is not made like you. You are two different humans who are made

for each other. A woman has a different set of hormones which get triggered in different situations such as menstruation and pregnancy. During these times, your wife may become moody and not be her normal self – give her some space. Become more aware of the female physiology. If you are planning to browse the web for this, be sure not to be lured away by ‘unnecessary’ websites. Christian bookstores are stocked with books that deal with these subjects that you will find helpful.

SHARING OF THE BED Sharing a bed all the time with your wife may not be likeable always. You may even miss the days of sleeping on the bed alone. If you are not prepared, you will feel that your space is being invaded by your spouse. Also you may be used to keeping the fan / air-conditioning at a certain speed/level, whereas your wife may prefer a different speed; you may prefer a hard bed, whereas your spouse may prefer a foam bed; you may prefer to sleep in a particular comfortable position and it may indirectly convey an unintended message to her. These are small issues, but they can have an adverse impact on your budding marital relationship. So deal with them proactively with open discussions and agreeable solutions. Give and take …try to make healthy choices too.

BELONG ONLY TO HER Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. I Corinthians 6.18

emotional Readiness Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3.13

Emotional readiness in a marriage is important because, it not only involves emotions of two different individuals but of two families as well. Therefore it is very important as an individual, for you to be prepared for this coming together of families and a family of emotions. Acceptance is the key emotion in marriage â&#x20AC;&#x201C; accept that you are going to be married, accept that it is the doing of God, and accept your wife totally. When you are emotionally ready to accept â&#x20AC;&#x201C; all other things would become easy. Though you are prepared, emotions can be easily disturbed. Remember that it is not the serious problems or issues that can play havoc to your emotions; it is the absolutely insignificant ones. Please take the cue from the verse above...bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Keep your emotions under check, and avoid building up of negative thoughts and feelings.

CASUAL COMMENT OR JOKE Being humorous is a talent and you may be one of the few people who have it! In a newly wedded setting you need to be careful - cracking a joke or passing a casual comment on your wife / wife’s family can be a costly mistake. However, you need not be serious all the time. Assess how your wife and family treat jokes and casual banter, if they are happy to laugh along and do not take it seriously - then you can roll. Wit and humour always help in cancelling small irritants and worries. Remember to take time to understand your wife well before embarking on flights of wit so that it does not strain the relationship.

COMPARING AND COMPLIMENTING No one likes to be compared with others. Each one of us is unique and special in the eyes of GOD. The same applies to your wife. Even though your intent may be good, avoid comparing her with anyone in your family or her family or any of your friends. Your wife maybe a little possessive of you and may not relish your compliments to other female friends or family. This does not mean that you cannot compliment others – give importance to how your wife reacts. Given time, you may compare and compliment together but till then do so cautiously.

ASSUMPTIONS Being new to the relationship, it is natural to assume certain things about your wife based on the limited knowledge or understanding you have about her. This is true in both arranged as well as love marriages – in the latter it will even come as a surprise!!! Don’t wait for your assumptions to be proved wrong or don’t worry yourself to death because you have assumed something - please get them verified

or clarified as quickly as possible. If not done early, both of you will proceed on wrong assumptions; the outcomes are mostly painful and sometimes funny!

WHITE LIES A clear noâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;no. Even though the intention may be good or the possibility of it getting detected may be remote, once found out, the trust level between both will take a plunge. A trust-deficit is not worth it.

STYLE OF SPEECH Words are very powerful. They may make or break a relationship. Words are better understood in the context they are used. Thus a careful choice of words will go a long way in binding your relationship. Similarly the manner of speaking can also convey different meanings which may arise due to tone, voice modulation etc. Take time to identify the words that are not preferred by her. Stop using those words when you are angry or even casually, you will not believe how much it will improve your relationship!

By now you may think, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;This is way too complicated!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; NO, it is not so... we have listed all possible conflict areas. With God along, you do not have to worry about even one. You may not even experience any conflict

Read On...

cultural Readiness ..but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2.3

Every individual grows up in his or her own cultural ambience. It involves everything from family, neighbourhood, education, job etc to preparation of food, eating habits, hobbies, entertainment, socializing etc. Your culture is determined by all the experiences you have had. So it varies from person to person and here again, it is amazing how God unites people from totally different cultural outlook together to live in harmony for His glory. The key factor is acceptance and not judging your partner based on their cultural background. Also, the goal is not to change her and her goal should also be not to change you. Here we have listed some seemingly simple things that could be the cause of conflict due to cultural differences. Being aware of these possibilities will help you to accept the differences and move on.

TOWN VS CITY If you are a city born and bred person and your wife is from a small town, please be aware she will have some challenges in terms of adjusting to the life in the city, its way of functioning and its culture. Even the crowds, heavy traffic, huge buildings can be very intimidating. Therefore expecting her to adjust to the city life quickly may be unrealistic. This will take time and will need your constant support. The same could be a situation if the she is from one city moving to another city. For e.g. a person brought up in Chennai might find Mumbai very fast and crowded. Everything in Mumbai revolves around the suburban train and the city is very active even late in the night. Language could also be a problem â&#x20AC;&#x201C; while some take in their stride, others may need constant assurance. Challenges will be different if you are living or moving abroad. If your wife has been brought up in North India and you in South India, you may find her aggressive with a different outlook. She may find some of your activities conservative. Again, here you will have to play a key role in understanding her and arriving at a mid path. Change is for both- husband and wife.

HOUSE If your spouse is from a small town, invariably she would have stayed in an independent house with more open space. From there to an apartment complex in a city could give her a feeling of claustrophobia. The situation will be diagonally opposite, if your spouse was brought up in Mumbai where most houses are small. When she comes to live with you in an independent house or a huge flat, she may get a strange feeling of too much space and feel a bit lost. Be sensitive to such feelings which may not be revealed vocally. If you live in a joint family, take time to arrange the furniture etc to enable some privacy

for her. Either of you may be cleanliness freaks – if so, don’t nag the other.

FAMILY TRADITIONS In a marriage, two different families come together along with the bride & bridegroom. Though it’s a wonderful event, it has its own challenges. Every family has its own culture and traditions. It could be the way they interact with one another, how elders are addressed and treated etc. Some families may prefer having dinner together; the way festivals are celebrated may be very different – the list goes on... Even within the same community you will find differences and if marriages are between different communities, the differences are bound to be more. If you observe them carefully and discuss them with your spouse you’ll find to your amazement that there is a reason behind each of those practices. It will be a great learning experience and it will be fun even as you share the thoughts behind the practices in your family. What is important is accepting and understanding each other’s culture without becoming judgmental and critical about it.

FOOD The food habits vary from home to home and the cooking style too varies from individual to individual. Red meat may be an absolute nono in your spouse’s family, whereas it may be the staple food in your home. Getting her to accept it will take its own time or it may not ever happen. There is no point in pushing it down her throat. Similarly you may not prefer a spicy preparation, whereas your wife may be fond of very spicy food. You may love fast food whereas your spouse may prefer a simple homely meal; you may be comfortable having food in an up-market restaurant using fork and spoon whereas she may be absolutely uncomfortable using any of them. You may love continental

food; whereas she may be comfortable with south Indian cuisine…the list goes on. Be conscious about differences and learn to adjust, adapt and accept them in an amicable manner. Over a period of time, both of you will learn about each other’s palate and dining out will become a great experience. Don’t be in a hurry!!!!

ENTERTAINMENT There is no dearth of entertainment these days, especially if you live in a big city. You can have certain types of entertainment within the four walls of your home. It can be in the form of TV programs or movies you watch or music you listen to, or video games you play, etc. You may seek entertainment outside home by visiting places like malls, beach, exhibition grounds, circus, etc. In a city it is not uncommon to watch young couples taking a stroll late in the night, which could be unthinkable for her. While determining the kind of entertainment, the criteria should be that it does not affect your spiritual life and that such entertainment is healthy.

SOCIAL NETWORKING Another prevalent entertainment provider, these days, is the internet and social networking sites. It is good to be tech savvy, and if in-case your wife is not tech-savvy but wants to be part of social networks where you are present – do help her through it. When it comes to social networking sites, it is absolutely necessary to be open with each other to the extent that both of you share passwords of each other. The same applies to sharing the email ID passwords as it will go a long way in building trust between you.

FRIENDS Friends play a key role in all our lives. It is always good to have friends. Do make it a point to introduce all your friends to your spouse and also take time to meet your spouse’s friends. Whenever your spouse gives feedback about your friends, don’t ignore it or react to it impulsively. There will be something about your friend which you could have ignored or escaped your attention, but learn to listen to her impressions of your friends. It will be difficult to accept what your spouse states about your friend; take time to understand the reasons for her positive or negative feedback and respond to it appropriately.

WORK In today’s context it is pretty common to see couples working. Your spouse may be working or may start working after marriage because she may like her education and talent to be used for the financial welfare of the family. However when both work, it will produce its own challenges. Remember to take wise decisions so that the work schedules of both should not eat into family time. As you may be aware, GOD should be given the first priority, followed by family, ministry and then work. So ensure that the work timing is such that you do not lose out on the time you spend together as a family. You may have night-shifts while she works the day-shifts or both of you work in different locations and meet only during weekends or both commute long distances and come back home very late every day. In the long run it will affect the quality of your relationship and your togetherness as a family. Even when job shifting occurs, if you feel it will affect your family time, avoid it all cost. God will grant you wisdom and courage to take the right decisions if you prayerfully seek His help.

Financial Readiness For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs I Tim 6.10

Money is important and critical for life and surely for married life. However it cannot be the driving force. The key words are “love for money”, therefore a conscious effort should be made to designate money the place it deserves in your married life. Quarrelling because of money issues can be a great strain on the relationship. If your wife does not want you to spend or vice-versa, make it a point to discuss about it calmly first – don’t get into an argument. Try to reason out to each other and pray that God helps you to make the right decision. Also if God has blessed you financially, praise God for it; but be very careful not to put your security or dependence on it. It is a very thin line that separates it from the dependency on our Lord.

Post- marriage, you are responsible to run your family. Your financial dependency on your parents should be absolutely nil or at the most, negligible. This also is a sensitive issue, you need to speak and agree with your parents too on how you would interact with them financially. Suddenly, cutting them off totally from your life is also emotionally difficult for them. Though they may not need it, contributing an amount to your parents periodically is good. The idea is not to make them dependant on you but it is to ensure that you are in touch with them regularly - this is because as the years roll by you will naturally spend lesser time with them. They may not be as close with you as they once were and therefore would find it difficult to sound their needs. So it is good to make a habit of giving to parents right from the beginning. Another way could be giving capital goods to your parents, which they may want but hesitate to buy due to various reasons. It is essential to keep in constant touch with them so that they feel part of your life. Our Lord Jesus Christ condemned the use of the excuse of “Corban” – offering to God - to avoid helping the parents Your financial needs are influenced by the kind of lifestyle you want to lead and the responsibilities you have towards your parents. It is best to live in moderation as the Psalmist prayer... ...give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonour the name of my God. Proverbs.30. 8,9.

COMMON ACCOUNT In case your wife is working, it is recommended & advisable to have one common bank account where all money flows in and expenses are managed out of this account. Even if she isn’t, do include her in your account. Also ensure every account that is opened is an “either or survivor” account. This will give flexibility in terms of operating the account and create openness and trust among you. Having separate accounts and being unaware of each other’s expenses gives room for doubt, unnecessary suspicion and quarrels too.

JOINT FINANCIAL PLANNING Make financial decisions together as like all other decisions – even if the other half is not interested in these matters, make it known to them. Marriage is all about sharing your life with your wife – and money is part of the deal too. It is most likely that post-marriage your expenses will go up. Therefore it is absolutely essential that both of you sit together and draw up a detailed financial plan right at the outset. Please take long term view right at the beginning. You can take help from professionals who are experts in this area. To help you get started, here we have suggested a few models for Financial Planning in a Christian household. By equating the total net income to 100% - the expenses can be allocated in percentage terms under various expense heads. Some examples are given as follows :M o d e l 1 : In this model, from your net income, you ear mark amount towards tithes, offering and savings. The balance amount can be used towards all other expense heads. The % towards each of the expense head can be based on your requirement/need. The table below will give you a better idea.

Net Income {post deduction of PF, Gratuity & Income tax}

100 %

Tithe and offering {20% of Gross Income}

28 %

Balance available

72 %

Savings {10% of Net Income}

10 %

Balance available for other expenses

62 %

In this model, the basics are taken care of â&#x20AC;&#x201C; tithe, offerings and savings. The remaining 62% is available for all other expenses, which may include rent, education, monthly provisions, loans repayment, etc.

M o d e l 2 : In this model, upfront, you allocate % of your monthly net income towards each of the expense heads and manage it accordingly. These are just guidelines and not the only methods of allocation. This is to encourage you to plan early so that you reap the benefits. Tithe, Offering & Savings 20% of gross income will be approximately 30% of net income

100 %

Education expenses

28 %

Montly provisions, entertainment etc.

72 %

House rent

10 %

Loan repayment

62 %

Credit Card

10%

During the initial years you may observe that expenses do not occur under heads like loans, education etc. Use this unused amount prudently so that it will come in handy in the future.

EMERGENCY FUND This can be part of your savings and it is essential in case of any emergency â&#x20AC;&#x201C; such as losing your job, accidents, sickness etc. This fund is crucial as it will mean that you will have no need to depend on others or panic. The amount in this fund should be equal to 6 months salary. Ensure that you do not use this fund for any other purpose.

DEBIT / CREDIT CARD USAGE You are encouraged to use debit card for any of your shopping needs. It will ensure you spend to the extent you have money in your account. Also it will enable you to avoid unwanted expenditure and prioritise on what to spend. With regard to Credit card, be very cautious. The ground rule for usage of credit card should be - you should make all payments on the due date. If you are not able to, then you will have to surrender the credit card. The interest rate on credit card default amounts is very high; if allowed it would eat into other savings in no time. Therefore to be on safer side, go with Debit Card.

LOANS Today, banks offers loan for everything and anything. This is simply another debt trap which is best avoided. Banks offer Personal loan â&#x20AC;&#x201C; without any questions asked and quicker processing. Do not go for it, as they attract very high interest rate. Similarly going in for a loan to buy an asset, the value of which, depreciates is not a prudent thing to do. Through careful planning in advance, you should be able to set aside money for the same and buy them at the appropriate time. As an exception, go for a loan, as a last resort, for housing purpose only; tax benefit that comes with housing loan is something

you will be benefited by. Please do not hesitate to take the help of a good financial consultant who will be able to guide you through this. However while going in for a financial consultants help, state your values / beliefs, requirements & conditions so that he can guide you within that parameter / boundary.

TITHING We have discussed this earlier also. In order not to miss tithing, it would be good, if you could open a separate bank account and transfer the required amount into that account. This transfer can be automatic, through provision of standing instructions to the bank. From that account you can give post-dated cheques to organizations so that the whole process flows seamlessly. You can issue cheques for extra amounts as and when available. Tithing is a commitment to GOD – therefore don’t miss it. And do give more if you can – these are just guidelines!

EXPENSE AND INVESTMENT MANAGEMENT When you were a bachelor you would have enjoyed facilities available in your parents’ home. Post-marriage, if you move into a separate home, you may not have access to facilities like fridge, washing machine, microwave oven, home theatre system, car etc. You may be tempted to go in for all of them. Remember, that will increase your initial financial burden. Therefore both, your spouse and you may have to re-calibrate your immediate needs and others could be staggered, according to decisions taken, over a period of time. Again, be driven by your need and affordability – there is no need to be too harsh on yourself. The joy of acquiring things on your own as a family is something that can be enjoyed only by experience.

During the initial days, do keep track of your expenses – it can be on an excel sheet or in a note book. This will help you to understand where you are spending more and identify areas to cut down spending. You’ll recognize sooner or later that being thrift and frugal make good economic sense. Investments are necessary, both, from the tax saving point of view and long term planning. There are innumerable options now - from FD, RD, MF, to Stock, Bonds and so on. Before deciding on investments, study its pros and cons jointly. Take the help of those who have been through the journey so that you don’t get trapped or are victimized. Spread your investments. Needless to mention, don’t be greedy about returns. Investment can be made in either of your names, but ensure that the other person is made a nominee.

STANDARD OF LIVING As you are entering marriage life, it is important you maintain a good standard of living. However there is always pressure from friends, colleagues and family to have the latest or best item in your home. Do not fall into this trap and also do not compare yourself with any other family in this regard. It is possible to have a good standard of living, yet be simple. It is a thin line that differentiates between good standard of living and luxurious living – be careful not to cross this line. Develop a Godly perspective to various resources that are given to you by our Lord. Do remember that we are stewards of all resources – be it money, assets, time etc. We have to give account of everything when we stand before HIM. Paul writes to Timothy in I Timothy 6:6 - “But godliness with contentment is great gain”. The NLT versions says “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth’ and The Amplified Bible version says, ”And it is, indeed, a source of immense profit, for godliness accompanied with contentment (that contentment which is a sense of inward sufficiency) is great and abundant gain”.

This

book has highlighted

a few important areas to help you get ready as a groom.

may not have addressed

issues that are specific to certain settings.

But

we earnestly hope and

pray that your thought process will be alert to finding answers with a positive frame of mind

key points summary next page

7 KEY POINTS

Marriage is GODâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s idea and it was instituted by GOD. 2 It is a lifelong commitment and should be accepted and honoured. 3 Marriage is not a pre-programmed automatic machine. You will have to make it work. It will not work on auto pilot mode either. You will have to pilot it right from the time you take off!!! 4 GOD created both male and female in His image; therefore you do not have any right to look down upon your spouse. You both are equal in the sight of GOD. She is your co-equal or better- half. 5 GOD has purposefully created man and woman differently. Therefore let us recognize the differences and learn from them. 6 It is not only your duty & responsibility to learn the differences; Your spouse has equal responsibility. When learning takes place together, it will be a great journey. 7 Share this book with her!

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Ronald & Selina are married for over 15 years and are currently living in Bangalore with their 2 children. They are actively involved in various ministries and have a burden towards young couples and youth. Ronald also studies and makes presentations on management principles taken from the Bible. He strongly believes that every management concept or principle has its root in the Bible and advocates their use. Ronald works with IBM; his wife Selina is a home maker. If you wish to contact them, you can reach them at u2y@yahoo.com [Ronaldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s e-mail] or selinaronald@yahoo.co.in [Selinaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s e-mail]

January 2013

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