Sorry Not Sorry What Does It Take To Make An Apology That Truly Gets Heard – And Makes A Difference? BY CLAUDIA FELDMAN
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Think of some of the apologies we’ve heard in the past few months:
• Film producer and alleged abuser Harvey Weinstein urging dismissal of a federal sexual misconduct suit lodged against him because actress Meryl Streep once described their working relationship as “respectful.” • United CEO Oscar Munoz’s tone-deaf line, “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers,” after four passengers who had already boarded a plane were asked to leave because the flight was overbooked and one refused — at which point airport police wrestled him forcefully off the plane, injuring him in the process. • Celebrity chef Mario Batali offering a seemingly sincere written apology for alleged sexual misconduct, then adding, as a postscript, a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.
en — or women — who will not take responsibility for their awful behavior are really nothing new. What is different today is the #MeToo movement, an outpouring of women sharing their stories of abuse, and the omni-presence of social media. Stories about misconduct of all sorts — and the insincere apologies that tend to follow — go around the world in the length of time it takes to hit the “send” button. That may explain why primers on apologies, for individuals and business leaders, also are trending now. Apologies can’t heal all wounds; sometimes they make things worse, says Anastasiya Zavyalova, an assistant professor of strategic management at Rice Business. But sometimes a serious apology can break a fall. Roy Lewicki, professor emeritus of management and human resources at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business, started focusing on apologies in the wake of JetBlue’s detailed explanation of a major equipment shutdown in New York, Tiger Woods’ mea culpa for extra-marital affairs and British Petroleum’s attempt to atone after the deadly Deepwater Horizon oil spill. As such clippings piled up on his desk, Lewicki saw links between his extensive research on trust and the importance of trust repair. Did apologies help mend torn business relationships, he wondered? What did an effective apology look like? After several years of study, Lewicki found six key components to a good “sorry,” and the more of those components included in the apology, the better. They were: An expression of regret (I’m sorry), a specific explanation of what went wrong (this is why I’m apologizing), an acknowledgement of responsibility (it’s my fault), a declaration of repentance (it will never happen again), an offer of repair (here’s how I plan to fix this) and a request for forgiveness. Lewicki’s research also showed that the six elements are not equal in importance. What matters most are the acknowledgement of responsibility, declaration of repentance and offer of repair. A different kind of apology, between individuals, lies at the core of psychologist Harriet Lerner’s recent book,
“Why Won’t You Apologize?” She recommends a message that is short, sincere and designed to open lines of communication. Here’s an example: “The comment I made was offensive (and name it). It was insensitive, uncalled for and it won’t happen again.” But, as Lerner says, it’s one thing to forget to return a friend’s Tupperware and another to sleep with her husband. In cases of more egregious behavior, Lerner says, “I’m sorry” is a good first step in a long distance run that requires the offender to drop his or her defenses and simply listen. “There is no greater gift, or one more difficult to offer, than heartfelt listening to that kind of pain, especially when the other person is accusing us of causing it,” Lerner says. • • • Oberlin College psychology professor Cindy McPherson Frantz researched a subset of “I’m sorry” etiquette after a student vented about a boyfriend’s apology. It was too early, the young woman said; she wasn’t ready to hear it. At first that sounded ridiculous. Then it wasn’t. “Yes, there is such a thing as a too-early
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