January 2023 Special Needs Living Akron/Canton

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (WAS IT THOUGH? REALLY?)

Musings from Sarah Heckert, a real Special Needs Mom from Stark County

Yes, I know it’s January, and the holidays are passed, but it’s never too late to pause and take an honest look at how your family holiday gatherings fared for each member of your immediate family.

• Stockings were hung by the chimney with care

• Tree was twinkling

• Food was prepared

• Cookies were iced and decorated

• Gifts were exchanged

• Meals were shared

• Toys were played with

• Christmas movies were watched

• Memories were made

• Major emotional meltdowns were avoided … hopefully.

For those of us with kiddos with special needs (and sensory needs), holidays can be less joyful and more overwhelming than we care to admit. We survive them, but we don’t truly enjoy them, and we’re relieved when they’re over (and then we’re guilty because we’re relieved they’re over!). My girls are young, so I’m going to use ‘child/children/kid/kiddos’ in this article, but the concepts transcend age and very much apply to adults as well. My adult-aged brother Jay has Autism (Hi, Jaybird!), and after 35 years, our family has nearly perfected the art of including him in all aspects of life — to the extent he wants to be included, of course! But it didn’t happen overnight.

For most, holiday gatherings are outside of our normal daily routines, away from home, in tight spaces, and in rooms filled with many different faces. Sometimes there are crowds which can bring loud sounds. There are typically lots of lights, extra decorations and shiny things and toys that make noise. And don’t forget about new foods, which means new smells and new tastes and textures — that are comforting to most — but unfamiliar and maybe even scary to others that prefer the safe predictability of their own home and routine [I’m experiencing some sensory overload myself, just typing all of this!].

Looking back and evaluating our own family holiday gatherings from 2022, we, too, have room to adjust and improve. I have collected ideas from experienced special needs families to share with you!

When special needs enter a family, dynamics change. Shifting and sacrificing will need to occur. Holiday traditions that were familiar, peaceful, and easy might look different now. Grieve the change if you must, but humbly adjust for the betterment of your family. Create new memories that all can be a part of!

Next, I recommend truly looking closely at what the child needs in each setting. If home is the most comfortable, predictable place, perhaps consider hosting holiday gatherings at your house. The very next thing I strongly encourage families to do is to talk to the extended family. Be prepared to share specifics of what is going to work best for your family. No need to list all the reasons why beloved long-held family traditions no longer work. Stick with advocating for what WILL work best for your family.

Last, some heartfelt advice from one contributing veteran specialneeds Mom: drink wine!

Relax. Give yourself some grace. Then give some grace to your child. Oftentimes our kids can sense our nervous tension and adopt it as their own. Take a deep breath and smile. You’re doing the best you can, and if I had to guess, you’re doing a fantastic job!

Happy New Year!

Sara

Here are some tips and tricks we have learned along the way sometimes the hard way! Other ideas are sprinkled in that might help your next family gathering to be more relaxed, cohesive and pleasant for all.

• Prepare your child ahead of time. Tell her where you are going, who is going to be there and what is going to happen. Let her know what to do if they need a break.

• The ever-trusty iPad. Have favorite movies and shows downloaded and accessible, so you don’t have to rely on Aunt Tina’s unreliable dial-up (Don’t forget the iPad charger!).

• Identify [ahead of time] a spare room or quiet place your child can go to regroup if feeling overwhelmed. Show your child this room upon arrival, so they know there is a special quiet place available just for them if needed.

• Keep a close eye on your child’s demeanor and behavior. If they start to become overstimulated, help them take a break or call it and head home. Overstimulation looks different for each child. Some become hyper and over-excited; some withdraw and become quiet or shy, while others become physically aggressive. Know your child and their triggers.

• Not on any holiday fashion lists, but noise-reducing headphones can absolutely help drown out the commotion. (Available on Amazon for less than $20.)

• Bring familiar toys, blankets and other comfort items.

• Enforce physical boundaries around your child. Shield them from 47 aunts, uncles and cousins that all want to touch and hug and kiss them. Allow them to adjust and start interacting in their own time.

• Limit time astray from routine. Be the last ones in and the first ones out. No one is going to notice or remember next year. Some kids actually do better arriving early and allowing others to arrive after your child is already acclimated and settled into the new environment. They may even enjoy being part of the welcoming committee!

• Don’t force your child to participate in activities or try new foods because somebody else wants to see if she likes it. Not the time, nor the place promise.

• Maintain their usual schedule as much as possible. If your child is used to eating familiar foods, only at the table, at 1 p.m. then pack familiar foods and allow them to sit at the table and eat at 1 p.m.! These little things can be a big deal for our kids.

• Don’t stress if your child doesn’t eat. Kids get excited and distracted. Don’t add to the day by fighting to overeat. They will not starve!

• Complete avoidance. Not typically recommended by therapists, but in this case it is 100% ok to decline an invitation!

• Traditions are allowed to be broken, and plans are allowed to change.