4 minute read
December 2022 Special Needs Living Akron/Canton
Parent Perspective: Coping With A Child’s Diagnosis- The Five Stages Of Grief
BY SUMMERLY ROWLANDS, OWNER AND CREATOR OF WWW.MY22QT.COM
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— CHRISTOPHER REEVES
No matter what a person is mourning, they typically cycle through the five stages of grief. For me, I have an internal struggle with saying I’m in mourning, or was mourning, because how could I think or say those words while I have my perfect blessing of a daughter right next to me? However, if we’re being honest, I did mourn. I mourned the thought of what having a daughter would be like. And although that doesn’t get easier to say out loud, I’ve learned it’s OK to feel that way. Plans went from a special life of her and I to a special-needs life of her and I and the doctors. I also mourned for my daughter. The fact that she won’t live a typical life or a life that society deems “typical.” But here we are, about 17 months in, and not only am I a better person for going through the emotions, but I’m a better person because of my daughter.
1. Denial. When we first got the positive results for our daughter’s genetic diagnosis, I was confused, numb and unbelieving. The bloodwork must be wrong because this doesn’t make sense, and this wouldn’t happen to us, this couldn’t happen to us. We were told everything was fine when she was born, so clearly, there’s a mistake. I refuse to believe what I am being told.
2. Anger. Denial was a fairly quick phase for me to get through because after the initial shock wore off, there wasn’t much I could deny at all. Anger on the other hand — that stuck. Our daughter was admitted to the hospital for 18 days after she was born while trying to figure out what was going on, and every single day I was angry. Yelling, crying, swearing, staring, angry. This is completely unfair. People are out here living their happy lives, having healthy kids, and this is what we get?! Why us? Why our daughter? Why would God do this? HOW COULD YOU LET US BRING AN INNOCENT CHILD INTO THIS WORLD JUST TO GIVE HER A HARD LIFE?!
3. Bargaining. Once the anger settled (and, like I said, that took some time), I found myself bargaining, praying, pleading. I would sit alone and just cry, calling out to God — please, PLEASE let my daughter live a normal life. I’ll do this, and I won’t do that if you could just please make things better and make sure that she lives a long, healthy, happy, safe life. Please. Please…
4. Depression. I still talk to God and pray for my daughter, but in all of my pleading at the beginning, it felt like He was never hearing or answering me … and so the depression set in. Day in and day out of not sleeping, being covered in vomit, giving medicine constantly, always having to check if she was still breathing… I was sad, I was exhausted, I blamed myself for everything, I felt sorry for her life, and I felt like a terrible mom. Depression for me came out in tears, feeling helpless and defeated, but it also came out in silence, feeling nothing — like our lives would never get better. Like everything was ruined.
5. Acceptance. But in fact, nothing was ruined. Not even close. The last time I sat by myself and felt depressed was the last time. I feel sad that our daughter’s life will have challenges, but I am not sad. I am in love with my daughter, and although she has a diagnosis, she is exactly who she is supposed to be — same girl today as she was yesterday. And as our hospitalist and nurse assured us, she has always been who she is and will always be who she was intended. The only thing that has changed is our awareness. Her genetic diagnosis does not define her.
I may have mourned the loss of what I thought having a little girl would be like, but I will never mourn the loss of my daughter because she is here with us — just how she’s supposed to be. Visit our website, www.my22qt.com, to read more about Izzy’s condition and our story.
MY22QT
