FEATURE
June 2021 Issue
Unchained by
Self-love
The person I was, or the person I portrayed, was simply treading the surface of societal pressures. I was riding on the waves of thoughts; bias and stereotypes surrounding the identity that the society had sculpted for myself to eventually, nonetheless temporarily, mold onto.
At that time, I was what I thought I should be – straight. I vividly remember when I was younger, I always gravitated towards my little sister’s barbie dolls – most especially the sparkly skirts and colorful hair, I loved watching Totally Spies and Kim Possible because I always wanted to be like them – still on style while fighting crimes, and would always hang out with a group of girls at school. At that time, I thought I was just like any regular kid until my family members would blatantly point out my “feminine” ways. Growing up, these phrases would haunt me: “Are you gay?” “You sound like a girl.” “When will you have a girlfriend?” “You’re just confused.” “It’s just a phase.” “Homosexuals will go to hell!”
The fear of coming out, in my case, was deeply rooted in shame. It was the constant thought that my existence didn’t matter, that I wasn’t valid. I have come to understand that every painful event that I have gone through ultimately served to be the transition I needed to become all that I was meant to be. So how did I take ownership of my identity? I loved myself first. With a gender that’s admittedly not yet accepted by the entire world, you owe yourself some love. Why? Because love will always live.
A question I asked myself after coming out. The answer was simple – freedom.
My “awakening” was probably during my fifth grade when “High School Musical” aired on Disney Channel. I saw Zac Efron for the first time and I felt something different – I was attracted to him. That was my light bulb moment! I like boys. But of course, it was ingrained in my mind that this can’t be, that this was wrong– That this was a sin. “That’s what the bible said”, they used to tell me. I had this imagery of hell to suppress my authentic self because I wanted to “fit in”. In those years, I hated every part of myself that hinted at my sexuality – my voice, my mannerisms, my interests. My mind, so ignorant and proud, allowed these ideals to cage any form of self-discovery. When I was in high school, I would always try to act “manly”. I would hide my true self because I always felt anxious when someone would ask me if I was gay. This was a constant fear I had all throughout high school and when someone would mention it, I would deny it and die of shame on the inside. It was a daily battle and it took so much work to be a man that society wanted and accepted – this was 2009.
Graphics from Pixabay.com
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I channeled my femininity through dance and the performing arts. At that time, I thought that this was the perfect balance – it was something a boy and a girl could do. That’s why whenever I dance, I get lost but in a beautiful way. I can fully express myself without words and this was extremely powerful for me. This was the first time I tried to reclaim my voice. I allowed myself to be my most authentic self on stage and this was my first step towards accepting who I really am – gay.
“So then what?”
and until now, they still do.
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written by Rienzi Encarnacion
I was bound in shackles by societal pressure, religion, and shame. But now, I am free. Freedom always has exceptions but the freedom you’ll gain from jumping onto that rainbow is from within This journey of self-discovery has taught me to reclaim my power because the universe is for me, and so is for everyone else.
