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e Big Mad
THE BIG MAD
The Melania Cup
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Bad pastors, overpaid unemployment and a law enforcement bill of rights
Compiled by DANIEL HILL
Spring has sprung! Following a brutal freeze, the sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them — as is our understanding, anyway. So why are you pacing back and forth in a fury, peering through your window at the brightly lit outside world with your fists clenched tight?
Welcome back to the Big Mad, RFT’s weekly roundup of righteous rage. Let’s dive in:
Money, then misery: Missouri Governor Mike Parson often invokes the values of “personal responsibility,” but when the state screwed up and overpaid $150 million in unemployment benefits, that well-worn platitude made a sudden heelturn and flipped both middle fingers at people who had the least responsibility for the blunder. Instead of forgiving the payments, Missouri sent more than 46,000 letters demanding hundreds and even thousands of dollars, all while acknowledging the recipients had been given the funds through “no fault of your own.” The Missouri legislature has become, somehow, the only adult in the room, but its proposed legislation would forgive only some of the debts — and as the process of lawmaking progresses through its usual dithers, people are already seeing their wages garnished. It’s amazing what a small conservative government can do when it wants to be a huge jerk.
God’s house: In just the latest example of Church: What Are We Even Doing Here, a Malden, Missouri pastor is on leave and in counseling this week after a sermon he delivered in which he chastised the women in his congregation for not being hot or putting out enough went viral on social media. “Now look, I’m not saying every woman can be the epic trophy wife of all time like Melania Trump — I’m not saying that at all,” First General Baptist Church Pastor Stewart AllenClark says in the video. “Most women can’t be trophy wives, but you know, maybe you’re a participation trophy.” He then goes on to refer to women from Mexico as “taco belles” before busting out the good book in order to promote some good old-fashioned spousal rape. “The wife has no longer all the rights over her body, but shares them with her husband,” he says, quoting a verse from Corinthians. “So whenever she’s not in the mood, dig out your Bible.” Man of God, or Hypeman of the Patriarchy at an open mic night hosted by an incel forum for little league dads? It’s getting hard to tell the difference.
The entire boot: Missouri lawmakers are so gung-ho about backing the blue that they’re gunning to add more protections for officers under investigation for misconduct. For indeed, these vulnerable officers, like babes in the woods, wearing naught but flannel sacks and gun belts, are in grave danger — of having their actions scrutinized by their own departments! Senate Bill 26 would alert officers accused of misconduct and force complainants to submit “sworn affidavits” — two details noted by none than St. Louis Metropolitan Police Chief John Hayden, who penned a two-page letter to lawmakers eviscerating the bill and concluding that its aim “significantly interferes with our ability to meet the expectations of Missouri residents with respect to holding officers accountable for sustained allegations of misconduct.” The proposed legislation, whose protections have been dubbed a “law enforcement bill of rights” by supporters (apparently the one in the U.S. Constitution just doesn’t cut it anymore) has already been passed by the Missouri Senate and is now in the House’s court.
Failure to deliver: In 2019, Missouri officials tried really, really, hard to shut down the state’s sole remaining abortion provider, the Planned Parenthood clinic in the Central West End. Graded by effort alone, they did a great job of terrorizing the clinic’s staff and doctors — they even tracked patients’ periods to expose a non-existing spree of “failed abortions” — but tragically, these totally good faith efforts only managed to trample reproductive rights for most of a year before an administrative judge ruled the state had improperly withheld the clinic’s abortion license. Last month, on February 26, the judge issued a new ruling: Missouri taxpayers will be paying $140,000 in legal fees to Planned Parenthood. Which seems fair! Still, think of what we could have done with that money instead: Why not throw a few bucks into fixing some potholes, or hire military contractors to modify the Blues’ Zamboni with a toasted ravioli launcher? Heck, what if we did something really crazy and hired a public defender or two? The mind reels. n
