e Big Mad

THE BIG MAD

Royal Mess

Made-up neighborhoods, a rooster AG and Kroenke sucks in Europe, too

compiled by DANIEL HILL

Welcome back to the Big Mad, the RFT’s weekly roundup of righteous rage! Because we know your time is short and your anger is hot:

KROENKE SUCKS IN EUROPE, TOO: St. Louis could have stopped billionaire sports mogul Stan Kroenke: Whether that meant uttering his true 72-letter name, posing an unsolvable riddle, beating him at chess — whatever it would take to rid the world of this sports cancer. Instead, Kroenke has become the Colossus of Chodes, sitting astride two continents, two sports, as he has moved on from ruining American football to doing his damndest to uglify the beautiful game of soccer. But Stan, man, you really fucked up this time. It was easy to steamroll a single city when all you aspired to be was a manshaped mistake who owns an L.A. football team, but then you go to Europe? And you try to stage a twelve-team coup to form an NFL-like patsy league? And you thought the hyper-competitive fans would appreciate how teams wouldn’t have to win to retain their spots? Bless your heart. It took just three days for six teams — including London’s legendary Arsenal Football Club, which Kroenke owns — to retreat, leaving the proposed “European Super League” in shambles. The implosion set off new calls for Kroenke to sell his team, and, in what must have been a devastating personal moment, the billionaire reportedly apologized to the players and head coach. You love to see it.

REPRESENTING THE WILL OF THEMSELVES: Missouri Republicans have had enough of representative democracy, it turns out, and they’re just going to decide what’s best for the people of this state regardless of the will of the voters. It’s an issue that’s been mounting, and one that came to an enraging head a few weeks back when Lake St. Louis Rep. Justin Hill decided that, no, his constituents who voted for Medicaid expansion can’t have it, because he knows what’s best and the voters are too dumb to decide things for themselves. (Did we get that right, Justin?) And now, seeing as how the commoners didn’t throw any tea into the harbor or anything, the “party of personal freedom” has apparently decided to codify imposing their will on the people of this state, pushing simultaneously for laws that would make it harder to vote and harder to get an initiative on the ballot. Secretary of State Jay Ashcroft was even quoted as saying, “Fuck democracy anyway, all my homies hate democracy” — no wait, we got that wrong, but only by a little. “The people elected the legislators to represent them,” he said. “We are not a democracy.” Sounds absurdly unAmerican, but if that’s going to be your point, why don’t you represent the goddamn people then? If only there were a way they could all band together and tell you what it is they want …

THE CROWN DISTRICT?: There have been tons of headlines lately about the “Crown District” and how it’s being converted into an up-and-coming area. It’s being advertised as a fancy new area where all the hottest entertainment will be located. We’d never heard of the Crown District until recently and had no clue where it was, so we had to look it up. Oh, the heart of this new district is at the corner of Chippewa Street and Kingshighway Boulevard? Yeah, we’ve seen some entertainment there before, like the dude who was just chillin’ there in nothing but his sneakers. Or like the thousands of drunks rolling through the Jack in the Box. It’s also where a very large group of registered sex offenders live (look it up), there’s no public parking to speak of, and that mostly terrifying large intersection is the opposite of bike- or pedestrian-friendly, but sure, let’s try to make it into a new entertainment district.

FULL OF SCHMITT: St. Louis and St. Louis County announced on Monday that bars and restaurants could return to 100 percent capacity. Attorney General Eric Schmitt is hyped. He reminded everyone that he sent a letter a couple of weeks ago complaining about the county’s efforts to limit the number of people killed by COVID-19. And sure, more than 310,000 Missourians have become fully vaxxed, cases have dropped and the county has started coordinating with the city’s new mayor in the weeks since. But Schmitt is still pretending he bent the county (he doesn’t explain the city’s decision) to his will by sending that letter. “Following my warning about the trampling of individual liberties, St. Louis County Executive Sam Page reversed course and eased many restrictions today,” Schmitt bragged in a press release. We asked the county about Schmitt’s grandstanding. Spokesman Doug Moore shrugged it off: “Every rooster thinks he made the sun come up.” n