5 minute read
Know Your Worth
Why Relationship Building Is the No. 1 Skill for 2020—and the Next Decade
Strong relationships are vital to a healthy career. When you can’t make real connections with others in the workplace, they won’t feel loyal to you. You become a tradable commodity. When times get tough, you may be the first one pushed out the door. On the other hand, when you have a small group of close professional relationships, you’re able to get your ideas recognized and supported. You’re able to be a successful leader. You’re able to collaborate and innovate effectively and serve your clients in the way they deserve. Trust is the foundation of strong relationships—yet it’s noticeably absent from our culture. Over the last few decades, nearly every measure of trust has declined. This trust deficit and our professional relationship woes have grown in tandem with the rise of the Internet—and they’ve crept in so insidiously we may not have realized it was happening. The “normalizing” of digital relationships has masked the weakness of many professionals’ face-to-face relationship-building skills. This is especially true for younger professionals, who have grown up on a steady diet of online “friends” and connections and are less schooled in the art of face-to-face relationship building.
The ability to build trusted professional relationships should never be left to chance. We must get intentional about learning and practicing the attitudes and skills that allow us to build the 15–25 trusted relationships that matter to our careers. (Contrast this to the hundreds of “surface” online connections people seem obsessed with racking up.) Through 20 years of research and extensive experience working with over 50,000 professionals, I have identified nine attitudes and skills that allow us to build solid, trust-based relationships. In my masterclass, “Building Relationships That Matter,” I teach people how to cultivate them and give very specific tips for implementing them in their day-to-day relationships. If you’re looking for a good New Year’s resolution, here you go: work on boosting your relationship IQ by focusing on these nine attitudes and skills in 2020. GENEROSITY. If trust is the universal lubricant for relationships, generosity is the fuel that gets them started and keeps them growing. Generosity is the willingness to give freely of your time, expertise, experience, and social capital. In other words, it’s not just about giving money
(which is what most of us think of); it’s often about being willing to forgive someone who has hurt you or being happy for other people’s good fortunes. Most of us aren’t as generous in practice as we’d like to be. We have a “me” focus. Sometimes this is due to a lack of role models. Other times it’s a fear of being taken advantage of. We need to strengthen our generosity muscle by taking small, daily steps. For example: Think about someone in your professional network who has experienced a success or positive development in their life. Speak to them in person, call them up, or write a short note (ideally, not an email or text). Express your admiration and how excited you are for them. CURIOSITY. This attitude helps you learn about people, giving you a better basis to build rapport with them. It drives you to understand what’s important to others. The more you learn from those around you, the more proprietary knowledge you’ll accumulate (i.e., stuff you can’t Google!). Curiosity tends to atrophy as we age—but it doesn’t have to. We can intentionally initiate and cultivate it. For example, when you talk to people with whom you’re trying to form trusted professional relationships, ask them about their goals, aspirations, and dreams. What have been the most important experiences in their lives and turning points in their careers? If you feel uncomfortable doing this, “practice” with a family member or friend. RAPPORT. Rapport is a harmonious, sympathetic connection between you and the other person. It requires effective communication and an understanding of each other’s feelings and ideas. You can’t manipulate others into feeling rapport by, say, simply mirroring body language. People see through such tricks. To create rapport, you must come across as trustworthy, competent, and likeable—and all three qualities require preparation and being present and human. There are things you can do to project all three qualities. Find commonalities and similarities—this increases your likeability. So, does walking in and thinking, ‘I like this person’—studies show it makes them like you.
Ask questions and show an active interest in the other person, which increases trust. And of course, nothing demonstrates competence like being prepared and having a well-developed point of view on the topic you’re discussing. POWER QUESTIONS. The CEO of a large, global corporation once said to me, “I can always tell how experienced someone is by the quality of their questions and how well they listen. Good questions are far more powerful than quick, easy answers.” Power questions dramatically improve the quality of your conversations and help build stronger relationships. Of course, not every question is a power question. For starters, a power question is open-ended: Not, “Is it a priority to bring new skills into your department?” but rather, “In your department, how will your mix of employee skills need to change in the future?” It typically surprises the other person—so don’t fall back on clichés like “What keeps you up at night?” Instead ask, “What’s the most exciting thing you’re working on right now?” A power question gets you focused on the right issues, helps you understand the other person’s agenda, and brings the strategic context and higher-level goals into the conversation. CARING THROUGH EMPATHY. Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions and imagine what they are thinking and feeling. It’s a fundamental skill that enables us to walk in the other person’s shoes. The four main foundations of empathy are an interest in others, self-awareness, humility, and listening skills. Take listening skills. We may not think of listening as an
