April Fools' Edition Thursday, March 31, Vol. 131, No. 26 by The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Daily Bilge Thursday, March 31, 2022

Vol. 131, No. 26

Tales from the Pirates of the

Collegian

APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION

COVER ILLUSTRATION BY POST FALONE THE DAILY BILGE

Thursday, March 31, 2022

The Daily Bilge

Collegian.com

Aye, Aye Focus

FOCO EVENTS

TOP STORIES

NEWS: RAMweb crashes during ASCSU voting

Frat party in Kyle’s basement on Brentwood Drive

CANNABIS: Morgan’s Grind to become dispensary PAGE 6

TBD April 1

OPINION: CSU should start drilling for oil on The Oval PAGE 14

8 p.m. April 1

PAGE 4

10 p.m. April 1

@colostatememes identity reveal party New squirrel induction ceremony, the fourth tree on The Oval

SPORTS: Football coach Jay Norvell hired at local auto repair shop PAGE 18

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

ARTS & CULTURE: How to be the ultimate indie bro in 5 simple steps PAGE 20

Letters to the Editor reflect the view of a member of the campus community and are submitted to the publication for approval. Readers may submit letters to letters@collegian.com. Please follow the guidelines listed at collegian.com before submitting.

PHOTO: Photography is easy; do it yourself PAGE 8

Clarrrrghhhh March 29, 1678. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO THE DAILY BILGE

The Daily Bilge Lory Student Center, Suite 118 Fort Collins, CO 80523

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This publication is not an official publication of Colorado State University, but is published by an independent corporation using the name ‘The Rocky Mountain Collegian’ pursuant to a license granted by CSU. The Rocky Mountain Collegian is a 5,000-circulation student-run newspaper intended as a public forum and is printed on paper made of thirty percent post-consumer waste. It publishes every Thursday during the regular fall and spring semesters. The Collegian publishes online Monday through Thursday. Corrections may be submitted to the editor in chief and will be printed as necessary on page two. The Collegian is a complimentary publication for the Fort Collins community. The first copy is free. Additional copies are 25 cents each. Letters to the editor should be sent to letters@collegian.com.

CORRECTIONS

Everybody makes mistakes, including us. If you encounter something in the paper you believe to be an error, please contact us at: copy@collegian.com.

Pirates of the Collegian

Captain Kat | Editor-in-Chief Ebony Pearl | Print Editor editor@collegian.com design@collegian.com Silly Bettafish | Content Managing Treasure Box | Illustration Editor Editor design@collegian.com managingeditor@collegian.com Courtnneigh Neighneigh | Page First Mate Corndog | Digital Manager Managing Editor design@collegian.com managingeditor@collegian.com Piratish Lambino | Photo Director Rascal ‘The Enforcer’ Bascal | Night photo@collegian.com Editor Look! A Seal | Photo Editor copy@collegian.com photo@collegian.com Englicious Pallemaster | Copy Chief Nope Larceny | News Editor copy@collegian.com news@collegian.com Post Falone | Design Director Hayden Harrrrley | Cannabis Director cannabis@collegian.com design@collegian.com

Burnt Egg | Opinion Director letters@collegian.com Jaydee Melted | Opinion Editor letters@collegian.com Terrible Pete | Sports Director sports@collegian.com Carson Lame | Sports Editor sports@collegian.com Kato Babadook | A&C Director entertainment@collegian.com Mandy Error | A&C Editor entertainment@collegian.com Meow Hiss | Social Media Editor socialmedia@collegian.com

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

CAMpus CAMpaign

CAM the Ram cedes mascot campaign to campus squirrels By Nope Larceny @pasleynoah

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Tragedy struck the Colorado State University community Thursday, as the first campaign to democratically elect a campus mascot was met with shock and upset. The process, which was met with widespread support from as many as 20 of CSU’s community members as an effort to reaffirm voting rights across the nation after, frankly, very precedented efforts to suppress democratic elections — the most concerning of which has been the tyrannical reign of University of Colorado Boulder’s Chip the Buffalo. Chip, otherwise known as Chipothy, has recently found himself at the center of allegations about threats and coercion to silence political opponents and has been

implicated in the apparent abduction of rival Stewart the Canada Goose, who was in line to receive the Socialist Party USA’s bid for campus mascot before his gooseappearance. CAM the Ram, who has represented Colorado State University’s tenacity and fighting spirit since the 1980s, announced Thursday in a 9 a.m. press conference that he ceded the political campaign after a tremendous outpouring of support for underdog candidate, Rocky the Red-tailed Squirrel. CAMpaign manager for the stalwart ram, Vincent the Viscacha, advised CAM that a continued fight for the political office would result in a complete drain of campaign and personal resources. Rocky had built a campaign on the platform of renegotiating waste management contracts with senior sustainability officials for the City of Fort Collins, stating that the University had been criminally negligent in efficiently containing and disposing of refuse from the Lory Student Center, leading to an abundance

of fellow campus squirrels found hopped up on psilocybin and Aggie’s Delight Lattes. At the center of their political aspirations, however, was also a strategic smear campaign that dissuaded voters from supporting the ram, as CAM’s previous associations with the KGB have resurfaced amid new tensions with Russia. Ten out of 10 doctors admitted CAM’s political ties degraded their confidence in his efficacy to support renewable energy alternatives at CSU. “I am disheartened and alarmed to hear how my actions have impacted the student body,” CAM said. “I must naturally step down from the position as CSU mascot and herald in Rocky, who I wish great success on their journey to best serve the CSU community. My own journey to self-improvement must continue as I continue to dwell on the RAMifications of my misdeeds.” Reach Pirate of the Collegian Nope Larceny at news@ collegian.com.

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY BILEBEARD THE DAILY BILGE

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

SONGS OF THE C

Nickelback invents revolutionary new genre: ‘sea shanty’ By Nope Larceny @pasleynoah

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Few things have ever been proven as honest and deeply factual than the following statement: Everyone loves Nickelback. It is undisputed that, above all musicians and in fact entertainers, not one is more beloved than this most sacred of currencythemed artists, whose unparalleled genius and poetic mastery outmatches that of even William Shakespeare and the wily wordsmith “Weird Al” Yankovic. Demonstrations of Nickelback’s exceptional control of the musical arts have been many; one must look only as far as the enriching, soulful tunes of “Photograph,” released in 2005. Their vast literary talent revived an

entire generation from collapse — it is well documented that the entire world imploded in 2000, and only by the grace of those mythical Canadian legends was humanity restored. In his divine benevolence, the mysterious, ramen-haired Chad Kroeger bestowed upon humanity the gift of a meme, which is much better than some silly gift of life-preserving fire. However, they’re now faced with their greatest challenge yet: entertaining the unwashed hordes of zoomers (Generation Z). How does one withstand the unkempt tides of chaos that are unprecedentedly awful? As a zoomer myself, I can make no exaggeration: We are unequivocally, irrevocably, incomparably terrible. In their infinite wisdom, however, Nickelback produced by far their holiest work with the invention of a revolutionary, innovative new genre of music: the sea shanty. Countless generations of sailors, swindlers and swashbucklers must be awash with shame deeper than

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY POOP DECK CHUCK THE DAILY BILGE

100,000 fathoms, as they all but fell short of producing any musical tradition of significance. Rockstar sea shanty illuminates all that is wonderful about the seven seas, which

is obviously the prevalence of electric guitars and rum dealers. The pioneers of the early oceans should be considered mere failures and embarrassments, as it is only natural that exploring the reaches

of the unknown world is a massive disappointment without a spectacular soundtrack to go along with it. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Nope Larceny at news@ collegian.com.

FAKE NEWS

RAMweb crashes during ASCSU voting

After being flooded with ASCSU election voters, the RAMweb site shows an error message. According to our research, the voting peaked at a record 133 students. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY FIRST MATE CORNDOG THE DAILY BILGE

By Meow Hiss @blouchcat

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Nothing quite revs my engine like the beginning of spring. It’s not the warm weather and the lack of seasonal depression that make this time of year so riveting, it’s the annual elections for the Associated Students of Colorado State University that have kept me going over the years, and this year was a particularly tantalizing treat. As we all know, this year’s elections saw record-breaking student engagement from both our beloved student leaders and the student body.

When I first learned presidential and vice presidential candidates Robert Long and Elijah Sandoval were running uncontested, I had a hollow, aching feeling in my heart that my darling ASCSU elections wouldn’t be action-packed. Boy was I wrong, and thank God I was. As soon as the campaigning started, I remembered how fervently passionate the student body is about local politics, even if the only options we had this year were three candidates for speaker of the senate. But that was the best part! The overwhelming anxiety of choosing between so many treasured student representatives was taken away so we could enjoy the best part about the election, which is simply showing our unwavering support for this precious organization.

In the past, having more than one candidate to choose from for president and vice president has made me sick to my stomach. How could it not? Picking one ASCSU representative over the other is like choosing a favorite song; they’re all so good you just wish you could have them all. This year we got our cake and we got to devour it because even though Long and Sandoval had no competition, they campaigned like their lives depended on it. After all, running for any leadership position within ASCSU is not for the faint of heart; it takes blood, sweat and tears to make eight Instagram posts. This year’s elections were quite the show-stopper. We all thought the Will Smith slap would be the most iconic moment of the year, but ASCSU had another plan.

I won’t soon forget when the candidates blocked off The Plaza last week to rent a bouncy castle. “This is what student government is all about,” said first-year paranormal investigation major Connie Salami about the bouncy castle. “It’s about spending our student fees on useless crap that only brings us surface-level joy to escape the mounting fear of misallocation of student funds.” Bouncy castles were just the tip of the iceberg. Nobody could have expected the candidates to ride into The Plaza on a carriage led by campus squirrels. Students were confused until the release of an Instagram announcement from the candidates explaining they were shifting their campaign to focus on training elite groups of athletic squirrels in order to combat the transportation issues on campus. Instead of driving to school, we can take carriages led by squirrels on steroids. Not only is it sustainable, it beats the parking situation on campus any day. But just when we thought the delicious excitement of plastic abodes

and rodent-powered vehicles couldn’t be topped, voting day rolled around. Within the first hour of voting opening on RAMweb, the website crashed due to overwhelming traffic caused by an influx of student voters. “It was unlike anything we’ve ever seen before,” said Java Script, a student who works at RAMtech. “I can remember exactly where I was when it happened. Voting opened, and it’s like the world just stood still. Everyone and their dog was trying to get their vote in. We had nonstop calls and emails, but that wasn’t the worst part. We knew it was bad when waves of people would come in one after another yelling at us to fix their goddamned RAMweb.” A total of 133 students voted in this year’s elections, setting a new record for student participation. This year’s elections were certainly one for the books, and if this coming year is anything like the campaigns, we’re in for the time of our lives. Rams really do take care and take action. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Meow Hiss at news@collegian.com.

Durrell

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY BILEBEARD THE DAILY BILGE

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

CANNABIS AND CRIME

Have you seen this joint?

The crime scene of a missing joint March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LOOK! A SEAL THE DAILY BILGE

By Graybeard Acri @guy1376

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The sun shone across a spacious Colorado backyard. The birds were singing, the weather warming — everything gearing up for the spring harvest. Only this spring cleaning took more away than intended. Meet Mary Jane, or MJ as she asked to be called. MJ is a homegrow cannabis enthusiast here in Fort Collins. Three times a year, she trims the buds off her plants at home and creates a homegrown batch of cannabinoids. She even breeds the plants herself.

“I started with some seeds from a dispensary a few years ago,” she said. “But after my third time paying for seeds, I decided I’d take my chances at breeding the plant myself.” Inside her house she keeps a small container with all the seeds that have made successful plants, all with their own names. “Last year, I focused more on sativa and came up with these three: foggy haze, orange crush and the pièce de résistance, cherry diesel, which I bred with last year’s strongest indica, kush it up, to breed this year’s plants.” But this is where the problems started. “I harvested the first bud off the new strain, annihilation, and it gave tremendous readings,” MJ said. The name annihilation seemed apt, as the buds she had drying had a blue hue, similar to the movie of the same name. A whiff

of their powerful scent could be smelled from across the room while the jar was sealed.

“I took it out to the patio so I could try out my masterpiece, but I forgot a glass of water, so I went back inside. When I came back, the joint was gone.” MARY JANE LOCAL RESIDENT

“Annihilation has a THC percentage of about 64%,” she said.

For reference, 15-30% THCcontent flower is legally available at dispensaries. A small joint of this flower could knock back even the most hardcore stoners into a haze — hence the name annihilation. “I rolled up a small one knowing the power of this flower,” MJ said. “I took it out to the patio so I could try out my masterpiece, but I forgot a glass of water, so I went back inside. When I came back, the joint was gone.” MJ said her joint was stolen last weekend before she had a chance to smoke it. There are no cameras on the property, no footprints and no sign of entry to the backyard. Police didn’t look too hard into investigating it since the amount stolen was less than half a gram. “They just ignored me because it wasn’t worth much money,” she said. “But I care about my plants, man. I hate to think what happened to that poor bit of

flower, cold and all alone.” Her neighbors had differing opinions. “It smelled like a skunk sprayed itself to death that night,” said MJ’s rear-fence neighbor. “That house always smells like weed, but that night was something special. If she didn’t smoke it, I’m going to need to call animal control to come and get that skunk carcass.” Other neighbors reported the same extreme smell that night. “I suppose it’s entirely possible,” MJ said when asked about the smell. “64% is quite the trip, man.” We may never have definitive evidence of what happened to that specific joint — perhaps it too was annihilated along with the memory of the smoke it created. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Graybeard Acri at cannabis@ collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

KAMPUS KUSH

Morgan’s Grind to become dispensary By Hayden Harrrrley @hateonhawley

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Colorado State University announced it has applied for a license to convert an on-campus coffee shop into a recreational/ medical cannabis dispensary. Morgan’s Grind, a beloved purveyor of disappointing coffee located in Morgan Library, will be closed for a months-long remodel over this year’s summer break. “Colorado State University is once again breaking new ground by becoming the first federally funded university to completely piss in the face of the rule of law,” said Kevin Dewey, general manager of Morgan Library. “Students interested in employment are encouraged to apply for Marijuana Enforcement Division licenses now, as we hope to get Morgan’s Grinder up and running before the end of this year.” Dewey emphasized in a hectic

press conference that possession and use of cannabis on campus will remain strictly prohibited. Customers of the new business will be encouraged to hide their purchases inside opaque bags or simply run. “Though Fort Collins ordinance prevents dispensaries from being within a certain distance of schools, it says nothing about a dispensary actually being on school property,” said Fort Collins Mayor Jeni Arndt, also in attendance at the bizarre and violent press conference. “We’re honestly reeling from this one. I’m really scared about what on Earth is going to happen.” Many at the chaotic and ultimately tragic press conference pointed out the library may now become a sensory overload for students with a sensitivity to the smell of cannabis.These complaints were met with a swift response by event security, whose methods are best left uninvestigated. The event took an unexpected turn when a reporter asked why, truly why, the school is going forward with this plan. Dewey produced a scroll from his podium, and an apparition, since

Come to Morgan’s Grind for your daily dose of grass, March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ARGH VON PIRATE THE DAILY BILGE

confirmed to be the soul of William E. Morgan, sprung forth and said, “Yes! Yes! The beating heart of agricultural commerce pumps life into the supple flesh of the youth.

Go and enjoy the splendor of this mortal realm. Suckle at the teat of all that I have wrought!” Morgan died in 2005. This comes shortly after the announcement that Sweet

Sinsations in the Lory Student Center will soon be converted to a ketamine clinic. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Hayden Harrrrley at cannabis@ collegian.com.

CAPTAIN’S DECREE

Collegian to end cannabis section, focus on cigarettes

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY FIRST MATE CORNDOG THE DAILY BILGE

By Hayden Harrrrley @hateonhawley

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used

in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Dear readers, We are excited to share with you that The Collegian will be ending the cannabis desk at the conclusion of the spring 2022 semester. As we welcome a new staff of editors, writers, photographers and designers, we will also welcome a new direction and vision for this paper, and that means ignoring what’s new and trendy and committing to cigarettes. We know cigarettes are important to a lot of our readers, and this community holds a longstanding presence in Fort Collins. Our hope with this desk is we will be able to share the stories, triumphs and difficulties faced by those who smoke and sell cigarettes. Originally, we planned to call this section the tobacco desk. However, after thinking about it for a while, we thought that was too general and nerdy and decided to just call it “The Cigarettes Desk.” Not everyone is eager to see cigarettes around their neighborhood or on their college campus. Even though our content may not interest all

of our readers, we are glad to connect with that community to open up thoughtful, informed conversations. We are also glad to reach out to a community of readers who may feel cigarettes are an underrepresented topic. Watch this space for exciting new content. If you enjoyed the cannabis section’s strain reviews, look forward to our new brand reviews, in which we’ll be investigating if Kent truly does filter best, or if Winston indeed “tastes good like a cigarette should.” Our content will not be entirely focused on cigarettes themselves — we’ll also be publishing commentary articles, highlighting topics like Hollywood’s war on tobacco depictions and discussing why “Mad Men” is the greatest prestige TV show (it’s the cigarettes). Thank you for your continued support of The Collegian and our increasingly desperate attempts not to look like total squares. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Hayden Harrrrley at cannabis@collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

Make an informed decision! Go to Collegian.com to learn more about the ASCSU representatives youʼll be voting on next week. • Meet the candidates for Speaker of the Senate, President and Vice President. • Video interviews with each candidate by CTV News • Proﬁles of each candidate by the Collegian news staff • Plus, learn how to cast your ballot for your preferred candidates For everything you need to know to make an informed decision in the 2022 ASCSU Elections go to collegian.com/ascsu-elections-2022.

THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

THINGS YOUR MOM SAYS

Photography is easy; do it yourself By Piratish Lambino @lukemcduff

Featured here are beautiful pictures taken by my mother on a campus tour when I was first applying to Colorado State University, March 29, 2018. These pictures further prove why photography is a dying art and that smartphones are the way of the future. ShotOniPhone | The Daily Bilge

A beautifully framed picture of the mountains March 29, 2018. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO’S MOM THE DAILY BILGE

An almost perfect picture taken during a campus tour March 29, 2018. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO’S MOM THE DAILY BILGE

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Now that photography has moved out of the dark age of film cameras and into the simplicity of the digital and smartphone era, photographers are becoming more obsolete than ever before. As a photographer by trade, I believe I have more than enough authority to speak to the fact that I, myself, am in an antiquated and dying profession. Much like ice harvesters were put out of business by refrigeration and freezers, I am being put out of business by smartphones and the alltoo-easy-to-use digital cameras. My inadequacy is proven every day when I scroll through Instagram, Twitter and my grandma’s Facebook. Digital cameras are super simple to use and quite frankly should not be something intimidating for those wanting to push me out of my job. Cameras now are so automated that you do not even have to worry about complex terms such as aperture, shutter speed, white balance or ISO. These aspects of a digital camera have zero input to the success of your picture, and as long as you have a nice expensive camera (or an iPhone), you will have Pulitzer Prizewinning photographs. One thing that is absolutely critical to remember

is that the idea of the professional photographer is a facade. Taking the grainiest photo known to man with your Android at a professional football game is the same as taking a photo with a Canon EOS 5D with a 400mm 2.8 lens. With the ease of photography having been defined and the meager need for photographers laid out, here is what I suggest to the world: When you have an important life event such as a wedding, DO NOT hire a photographer — do it yourself; it’s easy! If you really want to remember your child’s first birthday, your brother’s graduation from college or any other crucial event in your life, remember how easy it is to take those memories into your own hands. If you are interested in having professional portraits to help secure that big job, do not waste your money having a photographer take them. Set up your iPhone on selfie mode and stand in your kitchen — it will basically yield the same results as studio lighting and backdrops. Professional photographers only complicate every scenario they are in with their pseudosophistication and antiquated obsession with a dying trade. At the end of the day, I believe myself to be the only self-aware photographer on earth, and I feel my time is over. I am a warship returning to port for the last time, being replaced by my mother, who finally learned how to not take pictures in selfie mode. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Piratish Lambino at photo@collegian.com.

A picture taken accidentally during a campus tour March 29, 2018. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO’S MOM THE DAILY BILGE

A very creative angle of a campus building March 29, 2018. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO’S MOM THE DAILY BILGE

A perfectly ex Center March posed picture of the Lory Student PHOTO BY PI 29, 2018. THE DAILY BI RATISH LAMBINO’S MOM LGE

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

THE FAKEST AD YOU EVER SEEN BY POST FALONE THE DAILY BILGE

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

BEST BERRIES

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY FIRST MATE CORNDOG ON TIERMAKER THE DAILY BILGE

By First Mate Corndog @devlythings

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. As journalists, we discuss a lot of controversial topics. From politics to war to deadly viruses, our newsroom has faced heated discussions and debates. Nothing has challenged our thinking, opened our minds or angered us more deeply than discussing the best nut. Every day our journalists fiercely debate this, and since I am the smartest, most qualified member of our staff, it is only right that I make the final decision. Here is the definitive nut tier list. I will not be taking questions about my nut choices at this time. 1. Peanuts: What more can I say? Unless you have a peanut allergy (meaning you’re the weakest link in society), this should be your favorite nut. Further, it would be a dishonor to Mr. Peanut, who tragically passed away in 2020 after a fall, to rank anything else as No. 1. 2. Peanuts: So great you have to list them twice. If you don’t agree, you have the tastebuds of a raccoon who has spent its entire life eating trash.

3. Pecan (pronounced pee-CAN): The obvious No. 3 result. I am 100% sure all of you had this listed as your own No. 3 because pecan pie is the best pie hands down (pie tier list coming soon). They also taste great as a healthy add-on to your triple fudge quadruple chocolate sundae so you can feel better about your shitty health decisions. 4. Wall nuts: Yes that spelling is correct (not). The omega-3 fatty acids help you burn fat (I think) and boost brain power. 5. Almonds: This is when the list starts to get serious. The only people who eat almonds and enjoy them are serial killers and middle-aged men who think bourbon is the only good alcohol. 6. Pistachios: Honestly, pistachios are garbage, and the only reason I placed them this high is because I have taken multiple bribes.Trash Nut. Also, WHO wants pistachiHOE ice cream — what is wrong with you? Are you wannabe healthy, or do you just like torturing yourself with bad ice cream? You probably like cashews too. Disgusting. 7. Hazelnut: If you think these should be higher, you’re probably a 13-year-old girl who won’t shut the fuck up about having a Nutella sandwich for lunch every day — please get help and a dietitian — or you’re a Karen who drinks Hazelnut Nestle Coffee mate in her dusty ass Keurig coffee every morning to give

Nut tier list

her energy before she goes out and tortures the rest of society. 8. Brazil nuts: Never had them before, but they seem nice. Probably better than cashews, but what isn’t? 9. Macaroni nuts: Picture this: You’re in the dining hall looking for dessert. It’s late in the afternoon, and you go to the cookie station to find nothing but macadamia nut cookies. I have never seen someone eat one of these before and probably never will. If you like these you need to be in PERMANENT solitary confinement. Editors note: If you noticed cashews were not on this tier list: Unfortunately this list required all entries to be semi-edible. Cashews are not; they probably cause global warming, wars, famine and taco bell to give you the shits. They do not have a place in modern society and especially do not have a place in the newsroom. People who like cashews are into these things: • They enjoy watching reruns of golf. • You can find them bingewatching paint dry. • They hate dogs, cats and fun. • They say things like, “You guys ready to rock and roll?” after finishing a meal at a restaurant. • They feel a rush when entering Clark A (or B, or C). • They are the design director at The Collegian. Reach Pirate of the Collegian First Mate Corndog at managingeditor@ collegian.com.

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh. When you contract scurvy while trying to plunder some booty.

SHIVER ME TIMBERS

To the guy who wanted the parking spot in the library lot that I got: I was 100% there first. I saw those people walking to their car and was following them way before you got there. Thank you for flipping me off then yelling, “That was my spot” across the parking lot, then finding me in the LSC and bringing it up again, you adult toddler.

When you can’t find a spot to lay your anchor ;).

When the kraken attacks.

Rats.

When you devote your life to charting stars, but it’s cloudy outside. Feeling a deep, unsettling, persistent unhappiness that is only briefly remedied by sunshine or a sweet drink. But then suddenly those nice things are gone too soon and time is moving too quickly and everything you once cherished is now over, and you’re never going to recover that time you lost to the pandemic or to being insecure and upset at your friends because they’re in a different city now and don’t respond to your texts, and everything you once hoped for doesn’t feel significant because do you even have anyone to share it with? Can you actually have fulfilling relationships? Anyway.

Gangrene.

YO-HOHOS

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh. Getting promoted to first mate. Finding a first mate <3.

When the tonging is done. WAP (Wet Ass Pirates).

Eating fresh seafood with the homies on the deck while you talk about your feelings.

Pretty siren mermaid ladies lulling you to your death, but it’s worth it because you just really want a girlfriend because you’re super gay and your lady on land hasn’t responded to your Message in a Bottle even though you tracked the currents and she should have read it by now. Designer peglegs.

COMIC ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN GREENE @TFOGDOGS

When you’re three sheets to the wind so you hornswaggle Davy Jones riding a clap of thunder.

When the rival pirate group, the Bumbling Buffs, gets looted out of their booty and their ship doesn’t survive the cannonballs.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

A note on the content of this week’s paper By Katrina Leibee @csucollegian

Dear readers, Thank you for picking up a copy of this week’s paper. We appreciate your readership and are glad you take interest in what’s going on at Colorado State University and in the Fort Collins community. As you may notice, this is not a typical-looking paper. This paper is full of fun, satirical content. Each year, the staff of The Rocky Mountain Collegian looks forward to writing satirical content for our April Fools’ edition. We plan this content the entire year, keeping track of ideas in hopes of creating a hilarious, lighthearted paper for April Fools. This year, the Associated Students of CSU elections happened to fall in the same time frame of this paper. We received inconsistent information about the dates of the elections, and unfortunately we were unable to plan a print paper entirely dedicated to the elections. We discussed including ASCSU coverage with the April Fools’ edition in multiple ways, including putting four pages of coverage at the front, creating an insert in the paper of information and a few other options. Due to limited time, none of these

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION FROM THE COLLEGIAN ARCHIVES

options were viable, and we found it would be distasteful to combine the ASCSU coverage in the same paper as our April Fools’ content. We take the elections seriously, and we did not want to risk making light of them by putting them in this print edition. We also know our audience, and we truly believe they want to see our tradition of the April Fools’ edition continue. This decision was not made

lightly, and our editorial team discussed at length our duty to serve the community and what the student body wants. All of our ASCSU coverage for this election season is online, and we are heavily pushing it on our social medias, which are where most of the student body reads our content. We still believe the elections are incredibly important to the student

body, and we are reporting on all aspects of it. Additionally, it should be noted that all of the advertisements in this paper are completely serious and not part of the editorial content of The Collegian. The editorial staff does not choose the ads, and they are not part of the jokes in this paper. Thank you for reading, and we look forward to you enjoying this

It’s a beautifu l day

paper while also staying informed about the elections online. Katrina Leibee, editor in chief Serena Bettis, content managing editor Devin Cornelius, digital managing editor Reach the editorial board at editor@ collegian.com.

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@CSUCollegian

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

JOYCE’S CHOICES

CSU should start drilling for oil on The Oval

After drilling for oil and fracking began on Colorado State University’s Intramural Fields, the University feels The Oval may be an even better place to drill, March 29. With high gas prices nationwide, CSU finds it necessary to start today. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SKYLARGHHH PEGLEG THE DAILY BILGE

By Major Star @michaelstella_

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. America is experiencing painfully high gas prices, which has led most Americans to start siphoning gas from local fire department trucks, and we all know how that’s working out. So, you ask, what is Colorado State University doing to cash in on this gassy gold mine? Absolutely nothing. If you thought collecting tuition was a lucrative enterprise for CSU, just wait until you hear what a cash cow The Oval could be. The Oval, possibly the biggest waste of space on campus that is not really relevant anymore, is a jackpot for President Joyce McConnell and CSU. Just imagine

— amid record-high gas prices because of the war between Russia and Ukraine, among other factors, CSU sets up oil derrick pumps on The Oval. Efforts have already begun on the IM fields to start fracking and profit off the big oil industry, and these efforts should be expanded to the Oval as well. The University is always looking for ways to be innovative and change the game, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. Just look at the oil companies that are raking in huge windfall profits from high gas prices. Barrels of oil might be cheaper than they have been before, but these hungry entrepreneurs have found a way to rip off average people in the name of higher profit margins. It is time for CSU to do the same. Not doing so would be missing a huge opportunity. This is America, so why are we not looking for a way to monetize a public good? After all, we are a land-grant institution, and it would be a shame to not use the

land we were given to its fullest profit-making potential.

“It might seem contrary to CSU’s clean energy goals to start drilling and fracking on campus. Honestly, though, CSU has done more than its fair share of clean energy development.”

I would love nothing more than McConnell sending another wordy email informing students the trees older than time itself were being cut down to make space for oil

derricks and drilling equipment. Sure, maybe The Oval is a selling point to prospective students, but let’s be honest here. Prospective students would probably be more impressed with the incredible hustle of drilling for oil on campus to stack some serious paper instead of a patch of grass in the shape of an oval. While we are at it, we should probably start fracking on The Oval as well. Colorado is known for fracking — our former governor even drank fracking fluid once to show how safe it is. On-campus jobs are highly desired and often hard to come by. Just think of the job creator that oil and gas drilling on The Oval could be. College campuses are great because everything you need to succeed is on campus. Nothing would encapsulate the American dream more than debt-laden students heading to the oncampus oil fields to clock in for

work after a day of classes. It might seem contrary to CSU’s clean energy goals to start drilling and fracking on campus. Honestly, though, CSU has done more than its fair share of clean energy development. It’s not like the world is going to transition to clean energy in time to save the planet anyway, so what’s the harm in CSU getting into the oil business? CSU is in a perpetual pissing competition with the University of Colorado Boulder, and rightfully so. As Rams, we must always look for ways to assert our dominance over little brother, and drilling for oil on The Oval would be the perfect way to do so. In the end, gas prices are not going to be this high forever. There is a serious bag to be made by extracting oil from beneath The Oval, and CSU should stop wasting time and get to it. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Major Star at letters@collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

SERIOUSLY

Men and women can never be ‘just friends’ By Burnt Egg @yaycolor

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. As a college kid, you may have come across the sentiment that guys and girls can never be simply friends due to their innate attraction to one another, leaving no space for platonic love — only sex. However, I’d take it one step further and say men and women should never be friends in the first place. As a certified girl’s girl — a glitter-loving, dramatic and takingup-more-space-than-allocated girl — I have the wits about me to say it’s not that girls can’t be friends with men, it’s that we biologically should not be friends with them. We’re just wired differently. Have you ever found yourself thinking out loud about the wonderful world of RuPaul’s Drag Race only to be interrupted by a stupid man asking, “Wait, like NASCAR?” No, girly, not like NASCAR. We’re talking wigs and corsets here, not helmet hair.

It’s well known that women throughout history have been dedicated to witchery, and 2022 is no different. You’d think we’d have some sort of herbal remedy by now to make all of this patriarchy muffled.

“Women outpace men in education and overall vibes. This much is clear, so it’s incredibly important that you never make eye contact with a man. If you’re going to date a man — which you should avoid at all costs — you need to properly vet him in the girly-pop group chat.”

Honestly, now that I think about it, the answer might just be

drugs; however, I’m still putting herbs into boiling water on the stove in the middle of the night for good measure. They say you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, but I’m just here wondering when the boat full of princes will show up because I’m pretty sure I’ve just been planting my lips on toads. Gross. Men are notoriously hard to be around. They fart loudly, don’t wash their buttcrack in the shower and they all should take up the University on its free therapy sessions because none of us are qualified enough to address the deep-rooted jackassery that comes in the form of testosterone-fueled frat bros. Men like to say they can’t be “just friends” with us women because they wouldn’t be able to control themselves. Uh, just say you have issues respecting women and their boundaries and go. Again, bro, we’re not all licensed therapists and, for those of you that are, don’t stoop to counseling a man for free. They get paid more, so you should be milking them like a supple cash cow. You may be thinking, “Hey! Not all girls are girly girls!” and I agree

Friends?! Not possible — it is way too much. This cannot be sustainable. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY FIRST MATE CORNDOG THE DAILY BILGE

with you! Women are so fun and multifaceted, which is all the more reason to stay away from men. You have to protect your energy, not let it get stained like the nasty, crunchy navy blue sheet every man has spread on their bed. Women outpace men in education and overall vibes. This much is clear, so it’s incredibly important that you never make eye contact with a man. If you’re going to date a man — which you should avoid at all costs — you need to

properly vet him in the girly-pop group chat. Nothing is more beautifully honest than a group of your best gal pals, and these men will be fighting for their lives in the chat after your girl group absolutely flames them. Remember these words to live by, ladies: “Girls go to college to get more knowledge, and boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” Reach Pirate of the Collegian Burnt Egg at letters@ collegian.com.

JOYCE’S CHOICES

Headphones and earbuds banned at CSU starting April 1 seminar titled “Let Everyone Hear.” The seminar encourages students to overcome the habits it labels “harmful and suspicious” that society requires in public behavior.

After headphones were banned on campus, they now sit dormant on many students’ desks. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO AND GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY TREASURE BOX THE DAILY BILGE

By Plain Rice @mcadahmillan

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. As of April 1, all forms of headphones and earbuds will be illegal on the Colorado State University campus. This official mandate is due to a unanimous vote by every individual over the

age of 65 who has ever stepped foot on campus. The mandate provides a complete list of all prohibited listening devices. It includes all wired and wireless headphones and earbuds. The archaic but effective design of two metal cans attached by a string is also outlawed. Offenders will have their listening devices confiscated. Confiscated devices will be microwaved until they explode. People caught using contraband will also be forced to attend a

“This is a movement. When people lose their ‘public decency,’ they lose their fear. Today it’s playing ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ while showering in the community dorm, tomorrow it’s ending tyranny.” BOBBY “BIG EARS” BELL SEMINAR SPEAKER

Observation of past seminar participants shows that after completion of the seminar, most start playing all sound on their phones, laptops and tablets in public, with

57% playing everything (music, videos, little phone game beeping noises) at full volume, 22% at medium volume and only 4% with no volume. The remaining 17% play everything at a very low volume and hold their devices right next to their ears. “We actually prefer the no-volume people over that 17%,” said Bobby “Big Ears” Bell, a featured speaker in the seminar. “The no-volume people at least aren’t trying to hide anything. But when you hold your phone by your ear so other people can’t hear, that’s just selfish. If you won’t let anyone around you hear, you shouldn’t be able to hear either. It’s only fair.” CSU leaders predict the beginning of this policy will see most students not using sound at all, but over time, they expect most Rams will lose all shame and opt for full volume. The ultimate goal of the mandate is to make CSU students more expressive and confident. “This is a movement,” Bell said. “When people lose their ‘public decency,’ they lose their fear. Today it’s playing ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ while showering in the community dorm; tomorrow it’s ending tyranny.” Critics worry the mandate and resulting increase in public volume will make the CSU experience more annoying.

“How is this a good idea at all?” said Serenity Hyde, a strong critic of the mandate. “I don’t want to hear my classmates playing Candy Crush, and I don’t want them to hear me listening to ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version)’ 46 times a day,” protested Olivia Marlow, another critic. However, those of this sentiment struggle to promote their cause because whenever they open their mouths to speak, they are quickly drowned out by the high-volume devices of their adversaries. Students are advised to destroy or send home their listening devices before the mandate goes into effect. This is the best strategy to avoid the temptation to break the mandate and the aforementioned consequences. Some students, of course, will have no problem adjusting to the mandate because they already abstain from the use of private listening devices. “Those guys are the gold standard,” Bell said. “We can really learn from them about how to be more open and revealing of our personal lives — whether or not people want to hear their stall neighbor’s TV show in the bathroom.” Reach Pirate of the Collegian Plain Rice at letters@ collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

David “The Body” Roddy is looking at becoming the Colorado State University football team’s newest player, March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY CAPTAIN MOGUL THE DAILY BILGE

BREAKING NEWS

David Roddy to use senior year to boost CSU football as QB By Terrible Pete @taytaypau

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Many know David Roddy as the 6-foot-6-inch power forward for the Colorado State University men’s basketball team who helped lead the Rams to a 25-6 overall record in this past 2021-22 season. Now Ram fans get to see him in a pair of cleats, as the CSU football team and head coach Jay Norvell recruited the junior as starting quarterback to finish his college athletic career. With the success Roddy

has brought for the basketball program, it’s time for him to bring that same success to the football field. Since Roddy joined the CSU Ramily in 2019, the Colorado State football team has gone 8-20, while the basketball team flipped their 2018-19 record of 12-20 to drastic success in Roddy’s debut collegiate season the next year with a 20-12 record. Roddy had a big impact on bringing life back to Moby Arena and could do the same in Canvas Stadium, with the potential of sellout games like Moby witnessed this past season. Ram fans are yet to witness a winning season in Canvas since its 2017 grand opening season, which means Roddy has nothing to lose coming into the next football season.

Some Ram fans who have been following the CSU basketball team this past season have grown aware of Roddy’s past resume as a high school quarterback for Breck School in his hometown in Minnesota. His senior year as QB, similar to the present, was filled with honorable mentions and awards, including being a finalist for Mr. Football in the state of Minnesota and Minnesota High School Football All-State Team. Roddy finalized his high school football career with 20 touchdowns, 1,776 yards and only six interceptions; to compare, past CSU quarterback Todd Centeio finished the 2021 season with 10 interceptions, 15 touchdowns and 2,960 passing yards. Although Roddy has been throwing down dunks instead

of touchdowns in the last three years, it’s clear his raw athletic talent could bring just what the CSU football program is striving for: wins. With the short era of Steve Addazio over, it’s time for CSU football to get a fresh, likable face like Roddy to lead them to a winning season. For any basketball fans worried about losing their star player, fear not: It gives room for athletes like Isaiah Stevens, Isaiah Rivera and John Tonje to emerge from the shadows and illuminate their abilities without Roddy. The CSU football team will present their new QB in their first game away from Canvas against University of Michigan on Sept. 3. Roddy and Michigan ironically have a recent history

that could fuel Roddy even more into starting the football season on a win. In the 2021-22 CSU basketball season, the Rams made their way to the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament, where their first-round matchup was against the anticipated underdog Wolverines. However, the Rams fell to Michigan 75-63, not knowing the two would meet again on the football field. Now that the rivalry has been set, CSU has a light at the end of the tunnel and Canvas is awaiting sold-out games, fans can only wait for the Sept. 3 debut. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Terrible Pete at sports@collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

RENEGADE RAM

Niko Medved extends time at CSU to join Moby Outlaws

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Niko Medved, proud new member of the Moby Outlaws, sports team gear March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LOOK! A SEAL THE DAILY BILGE

By Carson Lame @karsynlane1

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. In the midst of March Madness, men’s basketball head coach Niko Medved decided it was time to extend his time at Colorado State University through the 2028-29 season to join his dream team, the Moby Outlaws. It’s no secret Medved’s dream was to become a Moby Outlaw, as his passion for Colorado State athletics has only strengthened this 2021-22 season. Since the beginning, Medved always made his support for the Outlaws clear. The Outlaws found themselves courtside at nearly every men’s basketball game this season all the way until the 2022 Mountain West Men’s Basketball Championship. He knew the energy in the arena wouldn’t be the same without the support of the Outlaws behind him. His support has grown tremendously — so much so that Medved is ready to give up his position as head coach of the men’s basketball team. Instead,

he’s decided to follow his dreams and adopt every single one of the Outlaws and take on the role of the ultimate Father Outlaw of Moby Arena. Despite already having two daughters and a full team of 15 athletes, Medved explained his actions as his ultimate responsibility to take the Moby Outlaws under his wing. Now, don’t get it twisted — this isn’t just a spur-of-the-moment decision. Medved has been dropping hints about his potential extension with the Outlaws since his first cowboy-hatted appearance. Not only was he crowned with his own cowboy hat, he helped the Outlaws with their travel expenses to watch him coach at the MW tournament in Las Vegas. Since extending his time at Colorado State, there is plenty to look forward to for next season. Looking ahead, Medved will continue to manage the men’s basketball team as a side hustle and immediately begin fulfilling his duties as Father Outlaw for the Outlaws — a perfect example that no matter what, Rams support Rams. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Carson Lame at sports@collegian. com.

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BREAKING NEWS

Football coach Jay Norvell hired at local auto repair shop

After leaving his position as the Colorado State University football head coach to pursue his passion for automotive care, Jay Norvell stands proudly with his newly acquired uniform March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LOOK! A SEAL THE DAILY BILGE

By May Cordell @braidonnourse

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Colorado State University football’s new signing at head coach has stepped down from his coaching role after four months in the position. This news comes a week after spring practice started for the Rams. Norvell has been sporting a blue-collared shirt to practices over the duration of spring training, with his name and the words “CSU

football” inscribed on the front to stress to players that they were there to work. Questions were raised during a practice earlier this week when his shirt no longer had that inscription. Ram football fans had much to look forward to with Norvell’s signing, as he had previously taken bottom-of-the-pack University of Nevada, Reno to a bowl game in his second season with the program. Fans were skeptical, though, as the team had been going through head coaches hastily over the past few years. But now, fans are left with more questions than ever before. Norvell reportedly has taken a job at a local automotive repair shop in Fort Collins. Norvell was set to make $1.6 million this up-

coming season with the Rams but will now forfeit that money before having coached a single game for CSU. Norvell’s work ethic has never been cause for question, as he has worked his way through the ranks of football coaching for decades, being a part of many bowl wins and championships along the way. But after over 30 years of coaching, the 59-year-old Norvell has decided to pour his ethic into something new and embrace the blue-collar lifestyle. Details on Norvell’s new five-year contract as a local mechanic have been released publicly. The base salary for the position is just below $46,000. However, the terms of the contract include performance based bonuses.

Those bonuses are as follows:

■ $100 bonus if Norvell is able

to successfully fix more than 12 cars in a single shift (tire rotations excluded) ■ $500 bonus if Norvell is linked to an upward change in the shop’s national rankings from one year to the next ■ $15 bonus if Norvell is mentioned in a positive review on Yelp (capped at 30 reviews per calendar year) ■ $10 bonus if Norvell is on time to every shift for an entire week (contract describes “on time” as 15 or more minutes prior to the start of a shift) Also in the contract terms are penalties and fines — a very

uncommon sight for a contract of any kind, especially outside of sports. The penalties and fines are as follows:

■ $10 fine if Norvell is caught using X’s and O’s as a metaphor to describe car problems

■ $15 fine if Norvell is heard asking a coworker for a “booth review” in reference to a decision made while fixing a car Norvell has declined to comment on his decision at this time, but CSU is currently setting up interviews with potential suitors for Norvell’s replacement. The Rams’ first game is Sept. 3 against the University of Michigan. Reach Pirate of the Collegian May Cordell at sports@ collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

Pitbull to speak at commencement after Ramapalooza absence By Kato Babadook @kotababcock

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. After Colorado State University addressed rumors, telling its students Pitbull would not perform at Ramapalooza in 2021, the University confirmed he will instead speak at spring commencement. Graduating seniors can expect the musician, also known as Mr. Worldwide, to speak at all three days of commencement ceremonies. With the help of a variety of campus offices, Pitbull will also perform, providing four days of joy to CSU students who enjoy his music or persona. “I hated that my fans were disappointed (in August), and I wanted to show them a good time,”

Pitbull said. “I want to remind them to stay humble going into the world.” The Ramapalooza rumor spread from Barstool CSU through their social media in a post that said free food and prizes would be offered along with a Pitbull concert. As a result, students flocked to Ramapalooza as it returned in person at CSU in 2021. “We’re excited to reward students for their hard work over the years,” RamEvents Director Joseph Jonathan said. “While we typically have students or community leaders speak at commencement, Mr. Worldwide was really adamant on speaking this year.” CSU President Joyce McConnell announced Pitbull’s planned speech via email, asking students to avoid wearing bald caps, a common trend for young people seeing Pitbull in concert. “It is a great honor for Colorado State University to host Pitbull, and our administration is excited to meet with him as we accommodate his stay in Fort

Collins this May,” McConnell said in her email. In addition to speaking at commencement, Pitbull will also perform at Canvas Stadium on May 12, the Thursday before commencement. He said he hopes students will come out and party with him and their fellow Rams and maybe skip Ram Band that week. Tickets to the event start at $50 with a student discount of 15%. “Come out and turn the negatives into a positive,” Pitbull said. “Turn the negatives into a positive on Thursday — these past few years have been hard, and it’s time to let loose.” Pitbull also said he plans to cover Flo Rida’s “Low,” which is known for the lyrics, “apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole club was lookin’ at her.” The rest of the songs will be Pitbull’s originals, but he’s excited to cover the song and bring some joy to students who grew up hearing it. Pitbull, like other regular college commencement speakers, is a

The Administration Building prepares for the commencement speech from none other than Mr. Worldwide March 29. He is qualified to give the speech because he has been there, done that. PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO THE COLLEGIAN

philanthropist with involvement in the Miami Children’s Health Foundation and poverty alleviation organizations. The rapper was honored with a degree from Florida’s Doral College in 2014, where he spoke previously at

a commencement to address his own struggles with poverty and getting kicked out of public school. Reach Pirate of the Collegian Kato Babadook at entertainment@collegian.com.

(LUKE IS SINGLE)

How to be the ultimate indie bro in 5 simple steps tuck a few cigarettes in there.

2. Rock the denim

Step two is also quite simple. All you need is a worn-out pair of jeans — be sure to buy them that way. Then you have two options: For winter, cuff those bad boys. It needs to look like you are expecting a flood in the next 20 minutes. Roll them all the way past the ankles. In the summer, take a pair of scissors and cut off the bottom half of the jeans. Now you have the perfect pair of shorts. These will be the only bottoms you wear all summer long.

3. Master your scent

An indie boy sits on the couch after playing “Wonderwall” for his Tinder date March 29. In response to something entirely unrelated, he blurted out, “I don’t know if you know this, but Tame Impala is actually just one dude.” PHOTO BY PIRATISH LAMBINO THE COLLEGIAN

By Mandy Error @maddyerskine_

Strokes and Mac DeMarco? Do you amaze your Tinder dates with a cover of “Wonderwall”? Do women leave you because you are just too nice of a guy? Well, you may be an indie bro. Being an indie bro is quite hard. It takes a lot of work to look like you haven’t slept in weeks and don’t know how to use a washing machine. But don’t

worry — we’ve got you covered. You too can be an indie bro in a few simple steps.

1. Roll up that beanie

The first step to being the ultimate indie bro is not that difficult: All you need is a beanie. Then you will need to roll up that beanie until it barely stays on your head. Now you look super cool. For extra points,

Now, this part is incredibly important. A fake indie bro can be smelled from miles away. Getting the perfect scent is essential. First, make sure to only rinse when you shower. If you own a loofa, throw it away. Do not wash your hair more than every other week; otherwise, the scent of cigarettes and weed will fade. Do not wash your favorite clothing either. That flannel you wear every day smells completely fine. Lastly, take this stink and cover it with Old Spice deodorant.

4. Learn the guitar

I know this sounds hard, but you can do it. The nice thing is

you only need to learn about five chords. Then you need to get some of your buddies together and start a “band.” You don’t need to practice or play any shows. This is simply for your Tinder bio. The trick is to act super talented and like you are about to become famous at all times — no talent or fame actually required. However, if a woman asks, you are days away from becoming the next big star, and they are insane for not falling in love with you.

5. Go to parties and events

Attending the hottest events is also essential for the indie bro. Make sure to check beforehand if the party will have a guitar or ukulele there. If not, you will need to bring your own. Parties are a great place to show everyone how cool you are. Before you whip out the guitar, make sure everyone is educated on your favorite underground music. Take over the aux and give everyone a quick lesson on how Tame Impala is only one guy — I promise everyone will be shocked by your deep musical knowledge. Happy indie bro-ing! Reach Pirate of the Collegian Mandy Error at entertainment@collegian.com.

Thursday, March 31, 2022

@CSUCollegian

BETTER THAN SEX

Sweet or savory pudding By Sus Sierra @sjg_csu

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Desserts. They can be a delicious end to any meal, no matter the time of day, event or holiday. They are necessary for complimenting your pallet, almost like a digestion P-A-L. However, this dessert can go both ways on the sweet or savory scale. It all depends on the toppings you add, but if you want something savory, it can also be delicious on its own. For your next dessert, housewarming gift or birthday celebration, why not whip up Mayo Pudding.This condiment and/or sauce

is an incredibly versatile element, and it’s one of the easiest and most unique recipes we’ve created yet. Though if you would like to go a step further with more love in your cooking, making a fresh batch of mayonnaise would be so kind.That’s precisely what we are going to do today. I believe when it comes to cooking for yourself — or especially for others — creating something from the heart goes much further, and you can taste it in the food too. It’s almost a hug but in food form. If you feel down, homesick or need some comfort, this dish will provide nothing but love while making your taste buds dance.

Ingredients:

1 large egg, room temperature 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard 1 teaspoon white vinegar 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1 cup canola oil

BET ILLY S Y NB

21 H

IS TAF

ESIG

ED PAG

The toppings are the best part for completing your dessert, and I suggest having at least one topping. As previously stated, you can eat this pudding alone if you crave something more savory. However, if you want to let your inner child out, these toppings altogether are suggested as they compliment all the ingredients, especially the Dijon mustard. Top it with Oreos, gummy In this edition of Simply COOKING, Sus Sierra divulges her secret recipe for bears, caramel sauce, chocolate sauce, a special dish. GRAPHIC BY FIRST MATE CORNDOG THE DAILY BILGE sprinkles, Sriracha sauce and mini lemon juice. Blend for 20 pickles. It sounds like a lot, but it is Optional toppings: Oreos, seconds. genuinely a delicious balance of spicy, gummy bears, caramel sauce, 3. Once all ingredients are sweet and savory that’s a party in your chocolate sauce, sprinkles, whipped combined, add oil. Blend for mouth. On top of everything, don’t cream, maraschino cherries, Sriracha another 20 seconds. forget to add a dollop of whipped sauce and mini pickles 4. Taste test and add more cream and a maraschino cherry. Directions: lemon juice, salt or vinegar to Reach Pirate of the Collegian Sus 1. In a blender, crack egg and taste. Sierra at entertainment@collegian.com. hand-mix for 20 seconds. 5. Add toppings and enjoy! 2. Add Dijon, vinegar, salt and

Blast N Scrap and KCSU are partnering to bring you Fools’ Fest, a concert presenting six local bands on April Fools’ Day. Fools’ Fest will be held on the Lory Student Center West Lawn at Colorado State University on Friday, April 1 from 12:00 to 7:00 p.m. The bands performing are Wolfblitzer, Hospital Socks, Spliﬀ Tank, Cosmic Problems, King Crawdad and Sludgebroker. Blast N Scrap and KCSU are happy to provide talented local bands with an opportunity to play their music and increase their following. KCSU Station Manager Ben Krueger said, “I’m excited to hear all the bands play and to showcase them to the CSU student body. We at KCSU have been working hard to make sure this DIY show will be an enjoyable experience where students can kick back and listen to some live music on a Friday.” All are welcome to attend Fools’ Fest. Attendees can bring chairs and/or blankets to get comfortable on the Lory Student Center West Lawn while they enjoy the live music. Fools’ Fest is sponsored by Aggie Theater, The Lyric and New Belgium Old Aggie Superior Lager. Be sure to check out our sponsor’s tables. Food will not be served at Fools’ Fest, but attendees can head down to the Ramskeller Pub and Grub in the Lory Student Center basement for food and beverages, like a New Belgium Old Aggie Superior Lager. Do not miss out on this great opportunity to watch live performances and support local bands!

Friday, April 1 12pm-7pm

CSU Lory Student Center West Lawn

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Collegian.com

Innerheards

Sudoku

“Do you ever think about how we’re all just basically squirrels because all we do in life is collect things and bring them back to our houses?” “... This chair smells wierd.”

“Is this like when dogs look in the mirror?”

“When I need to not focus, I picture my brain as a black void.”

TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (03/31/22)

WEEKLY HOROSCOPE By Hailee Stegall

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 - FEB. 18) Hold back, Aquarius. It’s good and healthy to put trust in others, but too much trust will get you hurt. PISCES (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20) Put yourself in your work, Pisces. Focus on the grind, and power through this work week — you’ve got this. ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) Look deeper, Aries. Investigate your relationships with others in a meaningful way. It’s for the best! TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) Closure is necessary for peace, Taurus. Talk to those you feel you have unresolved conflict with. GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) Live and learn, Gemini. Use your past experiences — good or bad

— to impact your future how you see fit. CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) Express yourself, Cancer. It’s OK to discuss things you like — let yourself be the center of attention for once. LEO (JULY 23 - AUG. 22) Make sure you get your point across, Leo. Express your intentions clearly and without reservation. VIRGO (AUG. 23 - SEPT. 22) Get back on the wagon, Virgo. Start a new hobby or continue an old one, as long as it sparks joy. LIBRA (SEPT. 23 - OCT. 22) Open up, Libra. Be true with your emotions instead of letting things pass to keep the peace. SCORPIO (OCT. 23 - NOV. 21) Not everyone has to know, Scorpio. Set mental boundaries — it’s OK to keep things to yourself. SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 - DEC. 21) Remember to listen, Sagittarius. Really hear what others have to say, and connect through that. CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 - JAN. 19) Family first, Capricorn. Chosen or by blood, home isn’t a place, it’s in those you call family — lean on them.

Not just another food delivery company

“I’ve also wondered why Kraft Singles have counted as cheese when they’re not actually cheese.”

“I don’t think fish have souls. Or birds. I don’t trust them. ... Do fish feel guilty about swimming in their own pee? Do fish sleep? Do they KNOW they swim in their own pee?”

“You know what’s weird? You append something, which means you add it on, but if you get an appendectomy, you have something removed. I removed my add-on.”

“One time, I had a dream I was being chased by the metaphorical concept of Dr. Seuss. I’m not even joking. I woke up, like screaming to myself, ‘Wake up!’ and I was like, the concept of Dr. Seuss is trying to attack me in this dream space. I remember being in the dream like, Dr. Seuss isn’t chasing me, it’s the concept of him. I can’t figure out what that meant, but I still grapple with it to this day.”

“Sometimes I look around and everything feels like a simulation. The sky is too blue, and the birds are not real, and the sidewalks are a strange construction made by people who don’t really exist. And it’s unsettling. And then I go into work and tell this to Kevin, and he’s just like, ‘Yep, I agree.’ So. I guess that’s something.”

“Do not ring the neighbor’s doorbell. Do not think about accidentally bumping into the neighbor’s doorbell. It happened one time; do not let it happen again. For the love of all ice cream, do not ring the neighbor’s doorbell.”

Have you overheard something funny on campus? Put your eavesdropping to good use. Tweet us @CSUCollegian and your submissions could be featured in our next paper!

COMIC ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN GREENE @TFOGDOGS

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HELP WANTED Want to Exercise Horses? Looking for Spring and Summer Interns. 2950 S CR 5 Ft Collins. Call Skip Schuman, 970-889-1354. White Water Rafting Are you looking for a fun summer job where you can raft for free? A1 Wildwater is looking for fun and energetic people to join our team for the 2022 rafting season! We’re in need of Guides, Office staff, Photographers, and Bus drivers. Season starts on May 15th but starting dates will vary by position! Call 970-224-3379 or send us an email with your resume, what position you’re interested in, and what makes you a great fit. Fun@A1wildwater.com. Full job descriptions at https://rmcollegian.campusave.com/jobs/

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April Fools' Edition Thursday, March 31, Vol. 131, No. 26

Articles inside

SPORTS: Football coach Jay Norvell hired at local auto repair shop