Thursday, April 1, 2021
Vol. 130, No. 40
COLLEGIAN.COM
Why we’re ditching The Collegian for a new name
CSU to host Drool 4 Skool competition for scholarship money
By The Unprecedented Times Editors @CSUCollegian
By Laura “The Stud” Studley @laurastudley_
ground. Before we could ask what he meant, the geese took flight, and suddenly we had a trail. We followed the geese as they flew south along the I-25 corridor. The birds stopped at several mattress stores, foraging for cocaine in discarded mattresses until they were shooed off. After a Longmont detour, the flock of drug fiends followed a delivery truck marked with Mattress “R” Us insignia. We followed our coked-out eyes in the sky to the outskirts of Denver. The mattress truck pulled into a large parking lot occupied by more trucks like it, conspicuous black vans and police cars. We confirmed the presence of Officer Sus McShady, the last known person to see Unprecedented Times editor Baul Prull before he went missing.
Dear Readers, As the editors of a publication surviving during the COVID-19 Panda Express, we, like just about everyone else on this cold (but increasingly warmer), lonely (but increasingly overpopulated) rock, have found that in addition to phrases like “can’t even,” “fake” and “no cap,” the majority of our vocabulary has been dominated by the word “unprecedented.” Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!” After endless discussions surrounding what COVID-19 is, where it is, who has it, who doesn’t have it, how not to get it and how to get vaccinated against it, we’ve only been able to come to one consistent, agreed upon conclusion: We just don’t know what’s going on anymore. Therefore, we’ve decided to do what all people in positions of power do when they don’t know what the f*ck is going on: focus on the minutiae that doesn’t actually matter while doing things the exact same way they always have. In addition, our word counts were getting a bit lengthy, with each article containing approximately 53.28 uses of the word ‘unprecedented.’ An easy way to amend this problem was just to put the word in our title. Our copy desk is a bit upset, but our advertisers are thrilled. Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!
see DRUG RING on page 3 >>
see NEW NAME on page 7 >>
Your drool can now pay for your college tuition. On March 31, Colorado State University President Joyce McConnell announced that students will be able to win $10,000 in scholarships if they participate in the new drooling competition, aptly named Drool 4 Skool. see DROOL on page 4 >>
A mattress store in Fort Collins sits under the blue sky. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SMELLIE SHAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
The Fort Collins mattress store drug ring finally exposed By Cody “Sugar” Cookie
Addazio recruits McConnell prior to fall season By Skeez Knees @scott_nies98
Steve Addazio has had a rough start to his tenure as the Colorado State football team’s head coach. Whether it was the scathing claims made by The Coloradoan, the subsequent departmentwide investigation or the fact that season one of the Addazio-era garnered just one win for the program, it hasn’t been the smoothest of sailing so far for the new head coach. see ADDAZIO on page 15 >>
@codycooke17
For the past several weeks, The Unprecedented Times investigated dramatic drug busts and cover-ups connected to Northern Colorado’s endless proliferation of mattress stores. Now, thanks to the contribution of some unlikely allies, we’ve cracked the cocaine case wide open. Earlier this week, Unprecedented Times reporters met outside at awkwardly appropriate social distances. Per Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines, we maintained enough distance to fit two Dr. Anthony Faucis between us. When we discussed what evidence we had on the case, a gaggle of geese chortled past. Rather than stalk forward
and stare us down with those cold dark eyes like normal, the geese jerked their heads side to side and burst forward in a squawking flash of feathers. Assuming the geese were just having a rough day, we tried to get back to our work. But one reporter, Rue “Blue” Maroon, convinced us that something was up. “I’m a regular goose bully target,” she said. “These birds aren’t itching for a fight. They’re itching for something else.” Another reporter, Skeeter Yeet, alerted us to the birds’ white-ish poop. Yeet was certain the geese had recently ingested powdered cocaine — and lots of it. When we asked why he was so sure, Yeet said he, like Maroon, is frequently harassed by geese. “Gotta fight back somehow,” Yeet said with his eyes on the
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SQUIRREL COLLINS FOCUS
BREAD CRUMBS DROPPED BY LOU REGAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Parking on campus is hard enough these days, but with the arrival of spring, there is a new obstacle. Giant squirrels have been spotted on campus digging up their stores of giant nuts. Colorado State University police advise you do not approach. PHOTO BY KOOKY BOREDMAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Lory Student Center Suite 118 Fort Collins, CO 80523
ADVISING STAFF Kit Hardbundt .JPEG Mott Jerk Sherlicker Student Media Adviser Advertising Manager Photo Adviser Christ Reads Senior Advertising Trainer
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KEY PHONE NUMBERS Distribution Editorial Staff Classifieds Advertising 970-491-1774 970-491-7513 970-491-1683 970-491-7467
This publication is not an official publication of Colorado State University, but is published by an independent corporation using the name ‘The Rocky Mountain Collegian’ pursuant to a license granted by CSU. The Rocky Mountain Collegian is a 4,000-circulation student-run newspaper intended as a public forum and is printed on paper made of thirty percent post-consumer waste. It publishes one day a week during the regular fall and spring semesters. During the first four weeks of summer, The Collegian does not publish. During the last eight weeks of summer, The Collegian publishes online Monday through Thursday. Corrections may be submitted to the editor in chief and will be printed as necessary on page two. The Collegian is a complimentary publication for the Fort Collins community. The first copy is free. Additional copies are 25 cents each. Letters to the editor should be sent to letters@collegian.com.
CORRECTIONS Everybody makes mistakes, including us. If you encounter something in the paper you believe to be an error, please contact us at:
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EDITORIAL STAFF Lorem Bolzum | Editor-in-Chief editor@collegian.com A bee-van Der Graph | Content Managing Editor
managingeditor@collegian.com Smack Attackit | Digital Managing Editor managingeditor@collegian.com Rainy Zest | Night Editor copy@collegian.com Amilis Noblis | Design Director design@collegian.com Cat. Tree. No! Closet | Design Director design@collegian.com
Big Chungo | Assistant Design Editor design@collegian.com Kooky Boredman | Photo Director photo@collegian.com Devin Cornyelius | Photo Director photo@collegian.com Daveed Flipcup | Webmaster dslifka@collegian.com Laura “The Stud” Studley | News Director news@collegian.com Seaweed Bentzy | News Editor news@collegian.com
Katrina Libel | Opinion Director letters@collegian.com Baul Prull | Opinion Editor letters@collegian.com Skeez Knees | Sports Director sports@collegian.com Nope Parsley | A&C Director entertainment@collegian.com Mandy Error | A&C Editor entertainment@collegian.com Jerry Berry | Social Media Editor socialmedia@collegian.com
Thursday, April 1, 2021
DRUG RING >> from page 1 Suddenly, there was a blur of honks, feathers and confusion. When a van opened its back doors, the geese descended upon it like addict moths to a cocaine flame. Narcotic powder blocked out the sun, and The Unprecedented Times reporters escaped. After a literal wild goose chase, we regrouped back in Fort Collins and put all of our information together. We don’t wish to alarm readers, but it very well might be that most, if not all, mattress warehouses between Fort Collins and Denver are actually just Walmart-sized transit stations for a quantity of drugs large enough to coat the Front Range like a winter storm. Mattress stores get drugs from dealers in super sketchy Denver parking lots. They buy in bulk, since mattresses hold so much volume. Based on what we witnessed, they deal mainly in cocaine, but other substances make their way into the
@CSUCollegian
scheme as well. The geese stick to booger sugar — God knows what the rabbits get into. Whether the drugs go directly from the vans to the mattresses, like some kind of cocaine Dr. Seuss machine, is unclear. We do know, however, that law enforcement is involved based on McShady’s presence. The genius of basing these mattress stores in Northern Colorado is that they fit perfectly into a landscape with a booming human population. Everyone and their grandma needs a mattress, right? With the demand in place, the warehouses hold the goods until they get distributed across the region. Based on our evidence of mutilated mattresses, it’s likely that some of the drugs are sold directly out the back of mattress stores. One of our most credible witnesses, Willy-Bob Slick, testified to the “super sus” things happening behind these stores. But, in one last diabolical twist, it might be that U+2 is a political scheme orchestrated by drug-dealing landlords as a justification for keeping unused mattresses in vacant bedrooms. These mattresses could be ab-
solutely dummy-thick with thousands of dollars of cocaine, heroin, marijuana and probably COVID-19 vaccines too. We understand that the magnitude of this conspiracy might frighten our readers, but The Unprecedented Times is dedicated to bringing you the truth — even when that truth means vast drug enterprises, crooked landlords and cokedout geese. Although we’ve exposed this dastardly scheme, The Unprecedented Times has no way of knowing what will happen to the mattress stores between Fort Collins and Denver. Perhaps the only thing we can do is warn our readers of what we’ve learned. One thing is certain: We owe our local geese a couple lines of gratitude for pointing us in the right direction. Stay safe, Rams. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Cody “Sugar” Cookie can be reached at letters@collegian.com.
SPRING IS FINALLY HERE! Have you started thinking about where you are going to live AFTER the dorms? Leasing season has arrived, so now is the time to start apartment hunting! Whether it’s your own private bedroom, new roommates, plentiful green space, free parking, printing & tanning, or heated pools, Ram’s Village has what you want (and need for the best off-campus housing option!) Keep us in mind as you begin thinking about where you will live next year – you can sign a lease right now and you can always stop by and take a tour. The earlier you sign the more options you will have to choose from; pick from our spacious one, two, three, and four bedrooms! A move to Ram’s Village is a move in the right direction because we are closer to campus. No class is too far when you are living here. If you decide to hop on the bus at one of the seven stops on our property, you are no more than eight minutes away from the LSC – right in the center of campus. Maybe you decide to bike, you will arrive in even less time. Are you walking to campus to meet some friends for lunch? Leave fifteen minutes before and you will beat any of your friends living elsewhere. Signing a lease at Ram’s Village is like a present from you to you. Wake up later, get on a later bus, bike a shorter length – the possibilities are endless. Have a great semester and we will see you soon!
Visit RamsVillage.com for more information
A mattress store in Fort Collins sits under the blue sky. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SMELLIE SHAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
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DROOL >> from page 1 McConnell explained that she has been working closely with the Office of Financial Aid to provide students with the scholarship opportunity for the past couple of months, with the finalizations coming together mid-March. “I know the pandemic has been difficult for all of us, and what better way to come together than with some friendly competition?” McConnell said. Everyone wanting to participate in the Drool 4 Skool event will meet at the MAC Gym April 12 at 10 a.m. Once there, students will get assigned a trash can. The competition will begin at 11 a.m. The participant who gets to the 2-millimeter mark first will win the scholarship money. Three judges with rulers will be present to ensure the drool has reached the appropriate mark. Spit bubbles will not be counted toward the measurement. Pockets, backpacks, purses and any other bags will be checked for prefilled vials. “We will not tolerate any
cheating,” said Drool 4 Skool judge Bruce Hunter. “If we find that students are bringing in pre-filled tubes, they will be immediately disqualified.” Each competitor is only allowed to bring one person along for support due to University and Larimer County COVID-19 restrictions. “It’s so awkward just watching people spit into tubes in utter silence,” said Margret Thompson, a COVID-19 saliva test facilitator. “At least this way, it will be just as awkward, with more cheering.” Students have already started signing up through the University’s COVID-19 dashboard website. The form asks for students’ CSU eID number, their birthday and a date for the last time they had a COVID-19 test. CSU sophomore Jack Withers said that he was excited to participate for the “big check” that was promised. “Not only is it $10,000, but I’ve always wanted a check double my size,” Withers said. “I also have hypersalivation, so it’s not even going to be a competition.” Junior Mary Pitts explained that whenever she came in for her regular COVID-19 saliva test, she would always be the first of her
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY ABBY FLITTON THE COLLEGIAN
group to fill her tube. “I’m going to be honest, it was kind of embarrassing at first, but now that there’s a competition for my obvious talents, I thought, why not?” Pitts said. Due to physical distancing, only 30 students will be able to participate in Drool 4
Skool. Spots are still available. The deadline to sign up is the week before on April 5. Students can use the hashtag #spitforscholarships to be featured on CSU’s social media. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events sur-
rounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Laura “The Stud” Studley can be reached at news@collegian.com.
Financial Aid Office is actually, shockingly helpful for once By Natalie Whyyyyyyyland @natgweiland
Colorado State University’s Office of Financial Aid has finally made itself useful when it comes to aiding a student with their tuition woes. Last weekend, fourth-year biology student March McGee checked his RAMweb account to find an outstanding charge of $420 listed on his semester bill with “no explanation at all.” “It’s ridiculous, but I can’t say it hasn’t happened to me before,” McGee said in an interview with The Unprecedented Times. “Stuff like this pops up on my bill all the time and financial aid never responds to my emails.” McGee described being fed up with the Office of Financial Aid in years past with similar issues. “Prior to this, I had just paid the extra fees because I was never able to get a timely response from Financial Aid,” he said. This time, however, McGee said he felt as though it was worth reaching out. Instead of the usual radio silence, there was actually a timely response, he said. “It was insane,” McGee said. “They literally emailed me back the next day and their response was actually helpful. Usually it takes at least two weeks, so I’m still in shock.” Carey Mittenguard, a third-
year English major, experienced a similar incident the week of March 1. “It was so weird; I called about an issue with my semester payment not going through and actually got to talk to a live person on the phone,” Mittenguard said. “Usually when I call, I sit on hold for like an hour and never get to talk to anyone.” These abrupt changes with the Office of Financial Aid’s behavior and accessibility to students have appeared seemingly without warning, as the usual wait time for a response can be anywhere from one week to well after a student’s 60th birthday. When asked for comment, a source from the Office of Financial Aid, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the changes as being the result of a lengthy mediation session and subsequent game of Twister among office staff. “We had to cleanse the office of bad vibes, you know?” the source told The Unprecedented Times. When questioned about the game of Twister, the source explained, “That was just for fun. We like Twister just as much as the next group of pals.” When questioned about the Office’s previous lack of consistency when it comes to helping students, the source explained that it had been “in a funk” following the series finale of “Game of Thrones.”
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY ELLIOT STEMEN THE COLLEGIAN
“That one hit us hard,” the source said. “It took weeks before anyone could answer the phone or look at their email. It was just so disappointing that it ended up translating into our work.” In the future, the Office of Financial Aid hopes to improve their response time in order to actually
help the students that pay so much in tuition and student fees. “Yeah, we’re gonna fix it,” the source said. “You should manage your expectations. If we were helpful, you wouldn’t be getting the true college experience, now would you?” Editor’s Note: This is a satire
for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Natalie Whyyyyyyyland can be reached at news@collegian.com.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
@CSUCollegian
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New Year’s Day moved to March 1 per world’s decision By Ai-DONE Knaus @knausaidan
To commemorate the start of the global pacifier, world leaders have officially announced that New Year’s Day will now be celebrated March 1. “In order to celebrate the renewal of the world and our emergence from the global parabola, we have decided to make March the first month of the year,” Secretary-General of the United Nations António Guterres said. First implemented domestically in the United States, the rest of the world has followed suit. “We figured it would make sense for New Year’s to be in March because our entire lives now revolve around the COVID-19 Pac-Man,” United States President Joe Biden said. “We want to celebrate the end of the year of COVID-19, and we’re really crossing our fingers that ‘year’ stays singular.” Not all world leaders were as enthusiastic about the change. “COVID-19 kind of hit us first in, like, December, so our outbreak started way earlier,” President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping said. Other members of the UN half-heartedly agreed. “The Americans are clearly on edge from a year of quarantine,
and Guatemala would prefer to avoid another CIA coup,” said Carlos Raúl Morales, minister of foreign affairs for Guatemala. “We’ll move New Year’s. Whatever.” The ambassadors for Chile, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Indonesia all nodded their heads solemnly in agreement with Raúl Morales. When prompted for comment about the move, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern asked, “Global palazzo? What palazzo?” “What the Jahannam?” said Ali Khamenei, supreme leader of Iran, in a rare interview with The Unprecedented Times. “The Iranian calendar usually starts in March anyway.” Many countries have used the Gregorian calendar as a civil calendar, named after Pope Gregory XIII. The Gregorian calendar starts in January, but Pope Francis said he can find a way to justify the change theologically. “March is near Easter, right?” Francis said. “Easter kind of celebrates rebirth. Let’s go with that.” Protests over the change erupted in several cities, including Fort Collins. “I don’t think it should be moved, mostly because I want to forget this year entirely,” Colorado State University student Rammish Green said. “I never want a
reminder. Never.” Green’s position contrasts with that of fellow protester Garth Raygun. “COVID-19 is a false flag,” Raygun said. “The Bible says New Year’s is in January. They want to move New Year’s to March? March 1 is the first day of the third month. If you spell that in numbers, it says 13. Whose name has 13 letters? Bill Gates. Do your research, free your mind.” Various experts have pointed out that this means that leap years will actually end with the additional day tacked on as New Year’s Eve. “That makes more sense, actually,” professor Frederick Jolston of CSU’s College of Calendarology said. “I like that much more aesthetically — with Leap Day coinciding with New Year’s Eve every four years. Cool.” President Joyce McConnell is expected to email the CSU community with a detailed update about the situation. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Ai-DONE Knaus can be reached at news@collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY LOU REGAN, RESEARCH BY NOPE PARSLEY THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY KOOKY BOREDMAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Thursday, April 1, 2021
NEW NAME >> from page 1 Beyond the COVID-19 phallus, we realized that pretty much everything in our lives is unprecedented. From our remote operations to the caper
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veggie cream cheese everything bagel that Smack had this morning to the sick pow turns Lorem had at the resort this weekend, we really are doing some unparalleled sh*t. Really, we’re here to tell you that absolutely nothing in your life has ever been or ever will be “precedented.” Just think about it. What’s gone well for you that you’ve ever
predicted? The B+ you got on your organic chemistry exam? The time you asked out that painfully attractive Morgan’s Grind barista and they actually said yes? Absolutely not. CSU students, faculty, staff, geese, squirrels, coronavirus molecules, let’s just accept it. This cycle of “unprecedence” is going to last an unprecedented amount of time. Hold on to
your hats, Rams, because this ship is going nowhere fast, and we’ve hit an iceberg of unprecedented magnitude. Sincerely, Lorem Bolzum, editor-in-chief Smack Attackit, digital & design managing editor A bee-van Der Graph, content managing editor Editor’s Note: This is a
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satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being off ended. The Unprecedented Times editors Lorem Bolzum, Smack Attackit and A bee-van Der Graph can be reached at editor@ collegian.com.
CAM the Ram advocates for geese as mayor of Uncanny Valley By A bee-van Der Graph @abbym_vg
Students on Colorado State University’s campus are noticing that their beloved CAM the Ram has been looking a bit different lately. While in past semesters CAM appeared in Ram form, this semester CAM has been showing up on signs, stickers and newspaper ads encouraging students to follow COVID-19 safety measures. But the community has questions. What happened to football? Why did he spontaneously start walking on two legs, and why does he suddenly look like a modern and more studious version of John Travolta?
“The coalition thought that by making my chiseled pecs and triceps burst out from beneath a CSU T-shirt, I could gain the attention of the college demographic.” CAM THE RAM INTERIM MAYOR OF UNCANNY VALLEY, COLORADO
“His fashion seems to merge the realms of both ram and human being — a look some professionals in the field are calling ‘furry fashion,’” apparel and merchandising major Jennifer Olivia-Newton said. Since CAM had the year off using his work as a mascot to act as the stabilizing force in freshman students’ sanity due to the COVID-19 panopticon, he’s hooved up to answer an important call from his other furry friends (the ones with extra legs). Since fall 2020, CAM has been serving as interim mayor of Uncanny Valley, Colorado, after the previous mayor, Marvin Mandrake, perished during a terrible encounter with a lawnmower. “I wanted to use my unique position as a member of the CSU community and the animal
The incredibly ripped and uncontrollably attractive Mayor CAM the Ram stands at the entrance to Uncanny Valley, Colorado. PHOTO ILLUSRATION BY SMACK ATTACKIT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
community to act as a bridge between the two,” CAM said, dabbing his snout with a tissue after completing his weekly COVID-19 saliva screening. CAM noted that he took on walking on two legs and wearing human clothes after a suggestion from the Coalition of Minotaurs, Sirens and Centaurs. “The coalition thought that by making my chiseled pecs and triceps burst out from beneath a CSU T-shirt, I could gain the attention of the college demographic,” CAM said. “I believe ‘pulling hot college babes’ is the technical term for it.” Students have varying reactions to this change, ranging
from inexplicable attraction to a profound, visceral feeling of dread — both of which influence their dreams at night. “The most important thing to remember is that the pit that grows in your stomach when you see the new CAM is completely normal,” advised CSU Health and Medical Center psychiatrist Thomas de Nile. “I know this for a fact because I feel it too, and I just can’t afford to descend into insanity with the rest of you.” One thing students can look forward to are the new political initiatives CAM is spearhorning. “I’ve been negotiating with the campus geese, and they’ve agreed to do their business
away from the sidewalks if CSU can successfully lobby the City of Denver to stop feeding them to homeless people,” CAM said. “In addition, I’m patching things up between CSU Facilities Management and the squirrels, who feel that their cleanup efforts oftentimes go unnoticed by their superiors.” CAM has also used his time off to actually get an education, which is something he didn’t know CSU students did because he only ever sees them partying. “I didn’t realize that human beings could actually walk in straight lines until I saw them on weekdays,” CAM said, polishing his hooves. Despite the clear positive political benefits of his new po-
sition, like visiting dads, CAM prefers the tailgates to the classroom. “Once the global poltergeist has passed, you can count on seeing me back on the field — or at least on the television,” CAM said. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being off ended. The Unprecedented Times reporter A bee-van Der Graph can be reached at letters@ collegian.com.
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Cutting off men is selfcare, so know the red flags By Beans Eggbird @yaycolor
Ladies, we’ve all been there. It’s 4 a.m., and you’re lying next to a man that you’ve shared a probably unsatisfying night with. He’s sleep-twitching with his mouth open; you’re sweating profusely because his room is 90 degrees for some reason and you’re wondering how to expertly contort your body to get out of the bed and find a phone charger. It’s at this point that you’re locking yourself in the bathroom to gaze into the mirror, asking yourself, “How did I get here?” The answer is simple: You ignored the basic red flags. I’m not talking about the obvious ones, like controlling behavior or a secretive past. I’m talking about little things. It’s about the insidious red flags — easily overlooked but crucial to catch before you find yourself in another disheveled bathroom, having a one-to-one with Bloody Mary. You don’t need to worry, though, because I’ve compiled a list of red flags that are your sign to run as fast as you can. Basic hygiene issues First, we’ll start with basic hygiene issues. If he has toothpaste residue in the sink, he already doesn’t take the extra three seconds to rinse it out, so he definitely won’t take those extra three seconds to respond to your texts. Further, if you see a three-in-one in the shower, he’s going to put about as much time into you as he does his shower routine. The bed from Hell Check his bed; a bed can tell you a lot about a person. If he has navy or black sheets, leave. If they’re fleece, literally jump out the win-
dow because that man is a serial killer. Also, if his bed doesn’t have a headboard or he has less than three pillows, he doesn’t care about proper neck support, so there’s no way he can support you. Next! The “watch guy” If he wears a “nice” watch in any setting that does not also include a formal outfit, run. Minus two points if he’s pairing it with basketball shorts of any kind. It’s even worse if he would consider himself or actually calls himself a “watch guy.” I promise he’d sell you down the river for a Rolex, and he also has a weird connection to time — which is arguably a fictional, capitalistic construct — so his ideals and values are not rooted in reality. His Spotify playlists are questionable Here’s a good one: If his favorite artist is Russ, who once said the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman is “mentally f*ck the sh*t out of her,” don’t even bother with him. Someone should tell him that mansplaining fake woke, empty quotes to women is not the mindf*ck he thinks it is. His social media screams narcissist When the man you’re talking to has more than 500 followers on Instagram, pack your bags. Why is he so present on social media? Who are all of these people? The only time that this rule is not crucial is if he plays college football, in which case you can go ahead and chase that bag. It may even be beneficial to do some social media stalking into his family at that point. Are you seeing a lot of vacation photos and luxury items? If so, you know it’s actually time to lock it down. Look at his Tinder profile — if his bio lists his height followed by “if that matters,” just swipe left. He’s either lying or is trying to humbly flex. While we’re on the topic of
height, I’m going to give you some pointers on how to Nancy Drew your way to the truth. If he says anything under 5 feet, 6 inches, he’s telling the truth. If he says something between 5 feet, 10 inches and 6 feet, subtract an inch. If he says 6 feet, 1 inch, he’s 6 feet. Any height over 6 feet, 2 inches is the truth, unless he enjoys being called out in person, which is a red flag in itself. He’s a car guy I’m not talking about your guy friend who is proud of keeping his car clean or is cautious because he purchased it himself. I’m talking about the full-blown, “my girlfriend and my car are the only ladies I need” type. His car always has a girl’s name, and it’s always one that causes you to think about all of the cooler, less-generic names that he could have chosen. Don’t act like you’re into it, just get out while you can. You can’t compete with 3,500 pounds of metal. Knowing these red flags can really let you know what you’re in for, and more importantly, what you should run from. Commit these to memory and add cutting off men to your self-care routine, and you’ll see same-day results! No more heartto-hearts with your reflection in bathrooms with broken toilet seats or hair in the sink — you deserve better, lady danger! Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Beans Eggbird can be reached at letters@collegian.com.
CAM the Ram goes to class
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATIONS BY MALIA BERRY THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
as glamorous as you think it is.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (04/1/21)
DAILY HOROSCOPE By: Wh*re-hey Espinoza April Fools’ Day horoscopes are meant to be taken with a grain of salt. While the stars never lie, today’s the only day you’re allowed to be in denial about what the stars have in store for you. Horoscopes can be applied to your sun, moon and rising signs. Take what you need, and leave what you don’t. ARIES (March 21-April 19) We’ve been in isolation for a whole year, and you still haven’t learned anything about yourself. Why do you struggle so much with being alone? TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Gluttony will be your downfall. You can’t have a piece of everyone else’s cake and eat yours too. People who don’t know their limits are destined for failure. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) You’re the only sign in the zodiac that will look an opportunity in the face and then turn your back on it. Why are you OK with wasting your time? CANCER (June 21-July 22) Home has never been your happy place. It’s time to put yourself out there instead of staying tied to a place that you hate. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) You’re never going to be the star you want to be. Accept the fact that stardom is not
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You are the problem and you know it. Your need to always tell others what they’re doing wrong is a waste of time. Put your energy into what you’re doing wrong instead. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Stop asking the universe to bring you what you want. You’re too superficial to know what’s good for you. You’ll continue to swim at the bottom of the barrel until you’ve done the internal work to go after what’s good for you. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) As the laziest sign in the zodiac, you need to stop giving up on things that might be challenging. If it’s worth overthinking about, it’s worth fighting for. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21) Your lack of follow-through is your biggest flaw. Ironically, you know this and still choose to leave things unfinished. Will you ever finish what you start? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Working toward being wealthy will always lead to failure. Becoming a millionaire means nothing when you’re dead. Share your wealth. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20Feb. 18) It’s always sad to see Aquarius placements brainstorm revolutionary ideas that they’ll never act on. True revolutionaries bring their ideas to life by any means necessary. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Being delusional is not a personality trait. Reality will always be there to check you. Start living in the real world.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
@CSUCollegian
Let’s KEEP doing our part to protect FRIENDS and FAMILY. TEST, TRACE, ISOLATE
KE CAR TA
RAMS T
N
E
RAMS
Keep it up Rams, we’re almost to spring break and virtual classes!
9
E ACTIO AK
10
Thursday, April 1, 2021
Collegian.com
The best social norms to break on campus By Dog Blouch @BlouchCat
In the times of the COVID-19 pineapple, all we have left is chaos. Instead of trying to grasp the passage of time or make sense of the utter insanity, it’s better to just give into the fact that it is a lawless land. It’s yeet or be yeeted. With that being said, there are a few social norms on campus that are overdue for people to break. Let’s throw caution to the wind. Drive in the “do not enter” spot. Next to the Colorado State University Transit Center at the Lory Student Center sits a forbidden location for two-way traffic. While you’re not supposed to drive past the “do not enter” signs, I do it all the time and haven’t been caught yet. If we all do it, can they really arrest us? Stay at the Behavioral Sciences Building. Back in the good old days, the BSB didn’t really close. You could stay in the building until 4 a.m. and nobody would stop you. It’s time to bring this tradition back. Better yet, let’s camp out! What better way to create those sweet college memories than pitching a tent with the bros. If they want to complain, just explain it’s a social experiment — it is the Behavioral Sciences Building, after all. Call your professor “mom” or “dad.” This is an oldie but a good-
ie. Nothing makes a teacher more uncomfortable than questioning the power dynamic. Maybe they’ll even feel bad enough for you that you don’t have a strong parent figure and give you an extension. Wear merchandise from the University of Northern Colorado. Repping the Buff country is one thing, but UNC is like the weird middle child, and if you rep them, it will just leave people confused rather than bitter. Bewilderment is a much grander time than resentment. Vote in the Associated Students of Colorado State University presidential and vice presidential elections. What are you, some type of nerd? Last time I checked, nobody cares about where their student fees are going, so actually taking the time to vote is sure to make you stand out in a crowd. Stay overnight in a fraternity house. Typically, I like to employ the classic tactic of “smash and dash,” but if you’re looking for a quirky norm to break, overstay your welcome! Make yourself at home; leave your spare toothbrush there to mark your territory. Start asking when he wants to meet your parents. Tell him you love him after you have sex. Show an emotion. What is there to lose? Ride a Bird scooter inside the LSC. Will you be arrested? No — you will be too fast for any cop. Will you create a very special lifelong memory? Most definitely.
Participate in a cult. Did I say cult? I meant any Greek life ceremony. Pledge your allegiance to your brothers and sisters by standing in a dark room while getting told how to act and what to say. Hack into the Canvas mainframe and change your grades. Hey, it’s your tuition you’re spending, so you might as well get your money’s worth. Remember that it’s a lawless land, and everyone cheats anyway. Steal a stress-relief puppy. If they’re not going to provide legitimately effective mental health resources, the very least you can do is take home a chunky little golden retriever to fill the ever-present hole in your cold, dead heart. Become a business major. Nothing says “I am a clown” like selling yourself to the corporation. Do your knees hurt from all the time you spend trying to please your daddy Jeff Bezos? No matter which norm you choose to break, just remember that being a rule-breaking goon is a phase we all must go through, COVID-19 peninsula or not. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Dog Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com.
463 CSU geese test positive for COVID-19 By Dylan Tangerine @unwashedtiedye
After a push to have all members of the Colorado State University community get weekly COVID-19 tests, the University announced that 463 geese tested positive for COVID-19. “Well, we knew we’d see a spike when we started testing new populations, like geese, but we didn’t expect this big of a spike,” said Corinne Tine, who helped oversee the expansion of CSU’s testing body. “Still, it’s not all too surprising.” Tine accredited the high number of positive cases to the way many geese are behaving. She said most geese hadn’t altered their behavior since the start of the worldwide paramedic, which allowed for rampant COVID-19 spread among goose populations. “We’re supposed to be wearing masks, social distancing and staying home,” Tine said. Ryan and The Goslings, a popular musical group in goose culture, even performed near The Lagoon, drawing hundreds of geese together for what University officials are calling “the worst superspreader event we have ever witnessed.”
Many CSU students are well aware of the unchanged goose behavior. “Nothing has changed,” Facé Masque, a third-year French international student at the University said. “Pre-photosynthesis, the geese all flew in flocks, stood out on the Intramural Fields in big herds and dropped merde all over the campus. They still do that. No masks, either.” CSU decided the situation was bad enough to warrant bringing in outside help. The University brought in an expert in goose behavior, Dr. Vaxx Stimmy, from New York University to help analyze and correct the geese’s pandemic-prolonging behavior. “I’m from out east,” Stimmy said. “I see geese all day, they’re all over the f*ckin’ place. But this behavior here in Colorado is just out of control.” He’d only been on the job for a short few hours, but Stimmy already seemed stressed out with the scale and magnitude of the work before him. Stimmy said that the lack of physical distancing was his biggest concern with the geese’s behavior. “The biggest issue is that these geese aren’t even trying to social distance,” Stimmy
said. “They’re always in their big groups, flying in their V-formations, yadda yadda yadda. These wild geese in the west wander around like nobody’s business. They aren’t even staying home after testing positive!” Only time will tell if the University’s efforts will be effective. Early patterns indicate that geese are still congregating in large numbers across the campus, as evidenced by the constant presence of goose excrement all over the University campus. Tine, Stimmy and other University officials warned of gooseto-human transmission, especially after confirming such a high number of cases among geese. “To put it bluntly, stay the f*ck away from the geese,” Stimmy said. “They got COVID-19 like the (New York City) subway’s got rats.” Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Dylan Tangerine can be reached at letters@collegian.com.
OKAY
&
FINE
Moderate traffic.
Sliced bread.
Lukewarm coffee.
Thursdays.
A crisp breeze.
Slightly dull pencils.
Bagels that split unevenly.
Friends you wave at but don’t speak to.
Sand.
Untied shoelaces.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
@CSUCollegian
ASCSU candidates run on original platforms
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY RACHEL MACIAS THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
By Katrina Libel @KatrinaLeibee
The Associated Students of Colorado State University elections, which will now be held biweekly because there just aren’t enough, will be seeing a drastic shift this year. 15 of the 25 candidates decided to campaign on original platforms rather than scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas and recycling the same platforms that other administrations failed to achieve. “I am really happy to be finally abandoning the overused platform of ‘transparency,’” said James Johnson, presidential candidate and business major who’s triple minoring in marketing, markets and marketeering. “Students deserve better.” “I think that while transparency is important, it’s also important to have open conversations to increase communication and coordinate dialogue, to further engage in comprehensive solutions to engage with diverse communities,” Johnson said during the recent debates, directly quoting every past president. When asked exactly what he meant, the candidate said, “Oh, you don’t really need to provide answers of actual substance at the debates, as long as you use enough jargon and buzzwords to make it sound like you’re qualified to handle thousands of dollars.” “I think that instead of running on transparency, we’re going to run on the platform of invisibility,” said his running mate Kayleign Sanders at the vice presidential debate. “You’ll notice that once we’re elected, we’ll conveniently disappear with your student fees.” Other candidates disagree
with Johnson and Sanders. “I think that we still need transparency,” said Brad Arnold, quadruple major in business, scandals, shady campaigning and frat parties. “Except for when we do something not in the student’s interest and completely opposite to the promises we ran on — then it’s time to put students back in the dark.”
“While ASCSU candidates are ready to abandon the overused platforms, it’s merely because they realize that those platforms are entirely unrealistic.” Another candidate, Raquel Smith, said her campaign is finally ditching the U+2 reform platform, claiming it is overused and unrealistic to actually run on. “We’re going to be running on a new platform called ‘I plus five,’ where the rule will be six students per house,” Smith said. “The idea is to ask for something that the Fort Collins government would laugh in our faces at. Then by the time we ask for Me+3 again, it will appear more like the bare minimum it already is.” As mentioned in another article, all campaigns are planning to run without a scandal this year. “We usually plan a scandal into our campaign platform to add spice, draw attention to ourselves and get the thrill of seeing if the student body will still elect us despite our questionable decisions,” Arnold said. “As president of Toxic
Alpha Mu, I can almost guarantee I’ll still win. Voting for me is a requirement for all frat party entry.” Colorado State University students said they are really excited to finally see change happen within ASCSU. Fourth-year student Hannah Gregory was even shocked to realize the same people haven’t been in office for the last eight years. “Wait, the same president and vice president haven’t always been in office?” Gregory said. “I swear it’s always been the same people. Maybe they just always look similar.” While ASCSU candidates are ready to abandon the overused platforms, it’s merely because they realize that those platforms are entirely unrealistic, and they will never actually care about “transparency.” “I’m not going to lie; I’m not entirely sure what that word even means,” Sanders admitted in an email to The Unprecedented Times. “It’s been in every other campaign platform for the last eight years though, so I figured it was time to change it up.” Students are thrilled for the upcoming election, and a recent poll reports that as many as 20 students will be voting this year — one of the biggest turnouts that ASCSU has ever seen. The Unprecedented Times will provide more updates, assuming we still receive funding after the election. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Katrina Libel can be reached at letters@collegian.com.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY COLIN CRAWFORD THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
11
Deschutes
Big Yeti Imperial Stout, Chocolate Cherry Yeti Imperial Stout & S’mores Yeti Imperial Stout 19.2 can............................................................. $8.99 Yeti Imperial Stout 19.2 can............................................................. $7.99
Great Divide
750 ml ............................................................ $14.99
Gray ’s Peak Small Batch Gin
1.75 L .............................................................. $12.99
Gilbey ’s Gin
GIN & VODKA
7 yr Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 Sherry Cask Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 10 yr old Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $54.99
Whistler
Odyssey Beerwerks
Fluffy Bunny Toasted Marshmallow Peanut Butter Chocolate Porter 6 pack cans ................................................... $11.99 I-70 Colorado Lager, Heliocentric Hefeweizen & Psycho Penguin Vanilla Porter 6 pack cans ...................................................... $8.99
Proper 12 Irish Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $39.99
Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $34.99 12 yr old Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 14 yr old Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $59.99 15 yr old Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $64.99
Irish Whiskey or Red Bush Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $17.99 Black Bush Irish Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $26.99
Bushmills
IRISH WHISKEY
750 ml ............................................................ $19.99
Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey
1.75 L .............................................................. $17.99
Seagrams VO Canadian Whiskey
Canadian Mist Canadian Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $13.99
CANADIAN WHISKEY
Single Barrel Colorado Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $67.99
Art of the Spirit
Jack Daniels Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $36.99
Single Barrel Colorado Whiskey 750 ml ............................................................ $34.99
Breckenridge
750 ml ............................................................ $34.99
Woodinville Whiskey
750 ml ............................................................ $32.99
Wyoming Small Batch Whiskey
Mix Box 12 pack cans ................................................. $14.99 Blackberry Lemon Sour Ale 6 pack cans ...................................................... $8.99
Upslope
Raspberry Provincial, Saison, Tropic King Imperial Saison & Pineapple Guava Provincial 6 pack cans ...................................................... $9.99
Funkwerks
Apres Ski Sea Salt & Lime Pale Lager, Colorado Red American Red Ale, Cranknbrew Coffee Pale Ale, Snow Juice New England Style IPA & Sourado Dry Hopped Session Sour 6 pack cans ................................................... $10.99
Snowbank Brewing
Honey Orange Tripel 6 pack btls ..................................................... $11.99 1554, Trippel & Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA 6 pack btls ........................................................ $9.99 Fat Tire Amber & Fat Tire Belgian White 6 pack btls ........................................................ $8.99 Dominga Mimosa Sour, Sour IPA, Voodoo Ranger Captain Dynamite IPA & Voodoo Ranger Juicy Haze IPA 6 pack cans ...................................................... $9.99 Voodoo Ranger American Haze, Voodoo Ranger IPA & Wild Ride 30th Anniversary Amber IPA 6 pack cans ...................................................... $8.99 The Purist Clean Lager 6 pack cans ...................................................... $6.99
New Belgium
90 Shilling & Variety Pack 12 pack btls ................................................... $15.99 Colorado Lager 12 pack btls ...................................................... $9.99 Hoppy Variety Pack 12 pack cans ................................................. $19.99 90 Shilling, Drumroll Hazy Pale Ale, IPA, Mountain Standard IPA, Sippin’ Pretty Fruited Sour & Variety Pack 12 pack cans ................................................. $15.99 Lugene Chocolate Milk Stout 6 pack btls ..................................................... $11.99
Odell Brewing Co
Green Label Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $17.99 Black Label Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $19.99
Miller MGD & Lite
24 pack cans ................................................. $18.99
750 ml ............................................................ $17.99
Evan Williams
24 pack cans ................................................. $18.99
750 ml ............................................................ $14.99
Stadler Springs Whiskey
Coors & Coors Light
Jeffer’s Creek Small Batch Whiskey
AMERICAN WHISKEY
LIQUOR
24 pack cans ................................................. $18.99
Bud, Bud Light & Budweiser Select
30 pack cans ................................................. $16.99
Extra Gold
BEER
Chardonnay, Pinot Gris - Save $7........... $12.99 Chateau Diana Low Alcohol - NEW! Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Merlot, Pinot Grigio ...................................... $5.99 Chateau St. Jean All Types .................... $9.99 Chateau St. Michelle Gewurztraminer, Riesling, Riesling Dry, Riesling Harvest Select.................................. $7.99
Cerulean
Brass Tacks All Types - Save $5 ....... $9.99
All Types - Excluding White Zin/Chardonnay PVS ............................................................. 2 for $10
Barefoot All Types (still wines) ............... $5.99 Beringer Main & Vine
All wines 750 ml unless noted otherwise
AMERICAN WINES
750 ml ............................................................... $9.99 Courvoisier VS Cognac 750 ml ............................................................ $26.99 Disaronno Amaretto Liqueur 750 ml ............................................................ $22.99 Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey 1.75 L .............................................................. $22.99 Drambuie Liqueur 750 ml ............................................................ $34.99 Heritage Hills Bourbon Cream or Honey Liqueur 750 ml ............................................................ $19.99 Angel’s & Demons Cinnamon WHiskey 750 ml ............................................................... $9.99 Paisley & Sage Triple Sec 750 ml ............................................................... $9.99
Korbel Brandy
LIQUEURS & CORDIALS
Silver Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $29.99 Reposado Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $34.99 Cristalino Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 Anejo Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 Corazon Silver Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $19.99 Reposado Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $21.99 Anejo Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $23.99 Camarena Silver or Reposado Tequila 1.75 L .............................................................. $32.99 Cuervo Silver or Gold Tequila 1.75 L .............................................................. $22.99 Patron Silver Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 Vizon Silver Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $26.99 Reposado Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $32.99 Anejo Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $37.99 Partida Single Barrel Reposado Tequila 750 ml ............................................................ $34.99
Gran Vida
TEQUILA
Chateau Bel-Air “Jean & Gabriel” Lussac Saint-Emilion - Save $6 ............... $13.99 Chateau Bellevue D’Espy
FRENCH WINE
IMPORTED WINES
Friday ’s Folly Red, Friday ’s Folly White ........................ $11.99 A Touch of Red, Riesling .............................................. $13.99 Chardonnay, Rosé ........................... $15.99 Malbec, Viognier ............................ $16.99 Cabernet Sauvignon, Ensemble, Syrah .............................. $18.99 Cabernet Franc ................................ $23.99
Bookcliff
Colorado Wines
Chardonnay, Merlot, Sauvignon Blanc .......................................... $11.99 Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir ............. $13.99 Willamette Valley Vineyards Riesling ........................................................... $10.99 Pinot Gris ....................................................... $12.99 Whole Cluster Pinot Noir.......................... $16.99 Pinot Noir ...................................................... $24.99
William Hill Coastal
Zinfandel - Save $5 ................................. $9.99
Wildeye Winery
St. Francis Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc.................... $9.99 Cabernet Sauvignon, Claret, Merlot, Pinot Noir, Zinfandel .................................. $14.99 Terra Robles Cabernet Sauvignon - Save $5................... $9.99 The Culprit Red Blend - Save $5 ....... $14.99 Three of Cups “Le Croyant” Petite Sirah - Save $5 ........ $14.99 Villa San-Juliette Cabernet Sauvignon Paso Robles Save $7 .......................................................... $12.99
Soda Rock Alexander Valley Chardonnay Save $10 .................................................. $19.99 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon Save $10 .................................................. $24.99
Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Merlot, Petite Syrah, Pinot Gris, Pinot Noir, Sauvignon Blanc, Sustainable Red.................................. $9.99 True Grit: Chardonnay............................... $13.99 True Grit: Cabernet Sauvignon, Petite Sirah .................................................... $16.99 Prophecy Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir, Red Blend, Rosé .............................................. $9.99
Parducci
AUSTRALIAN AND NEW ZEALAND WINE
Cabernet Sauvignon, Malbec, Mountain Blend ............................................. $8.99
Santa Julia Reserva
Salvaje Cabernet Sauvignon, Sauvignon Blanc Save $5........................................................ $9.99
Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Merlot, Sauvignon Blanc - Save $5 .......... $9.99 Colome Torrontes .......................................................... $9.99 Estate Malbec ............................................... $17.99 Huellas Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay Save $6 ............................................................. $8.99
Aires del Sur Sauvignon Blanc .............. $7.99 Caliterra
SOUTH AMERICAN WINE
Pinot Grigio, Chianti Classico .................. $21.99 Secoli Valpolicella Ripasso - Save $7 ................. $12.99 Amarone - Save $20 .................................. $29.99 Tenuta Degli Dei Cavelli Toscana - Save $20!...................... $39.99 Terre del Palio Rosso di Montalcino - Save $10 ............. $19.99 Vino Nobile di Montalcino - Save $10 .. $29.99 Brunello di Montalcino - Save $20........ $39.99 Vialoni Pinot Grigio - Save $5 ................ $6.99
Brunello di Montalcino - Save $10 .. $29.99
Santa Margherita
Poggio dell’Otto
Il Roccolo Chianti, Montepulciano d’Abruzzo, Pinot Grigio, Sangiovese .............................. $6.99 Locations I Italian Red .......................... $16.99 Mezzacorona Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir ................................ $7.99 Montecampo Montepulciano d’Abruzzo, Pinot Grigio .. $7.99
Rosso di Toscana, Vermentino Save $5..................................................... $10.99 Chianti Rufina I Domi - Save $7 ....... $12.99 Chianti Rufina Reserva - Save $10 ... $19.99 Vin Santo - Save $10 375ml........................................................ $34.99
I Veroni
Gavi di Gavi DOC - Save $7 ..................... $12.99 Barbera Nizza DOCG - Save $10 ............ $14.99 Barolo - Save $20 ....................................... $29.99 Caiarossa Toscana Rosso - Save $20 ........................ $49.99 Cantine Zaccagnini Montepulciano d’Abruzzo, Pinot Grigio, Rosé ....................................... $14.99 Cupcake Pinot Grigio................................ $8.99 I Magredi Merlot, Pinot Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc Save $5 ............................................................. $9.99
Bersano
ITALIAN WINE
DELATOUR MERLOT & ROSÉ OF SYRAH FOR $5.99
Sale prices are for in-store shopping only. Does not include phone, curbside pick up orders, delivery, online or app orders.
Prices Good Apr 1 thru Apr 4, 2021
12 Thursday, November 21, 2021
12 yr old Single Malt Scotch 1.75 L .............................................................. $54.99 14 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $49.99 15 yr old Sherry Cask Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $49.99 18 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $89.99 21 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ......................................................... $149.99 23 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ......................................................... $269.99 26 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ......................................................... $499.99 30 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ......................................................... $599.99 1978 rare 36 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ..................................................... $2,999.99
Glenfiddich
750 ml ............................................................ $44.99
Aberlour 12 yr old Single Malt Scotch
12 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $42.99 Enigma Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $99.99
Glenlivet
Highland Park 12 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99 Magnus Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $39.99
10 yr old Single Malt Scotch 750 ml ............................................................ $29.99
Glenmorangie
Chivas Regal Scotch 1.75 L .............................................................. $64.99
1.75 L .............................................................. $29.99
Famous Grouse Scotch
750 ml ............................................................ $26.99
Moneky Shoulder Scotch
1.75 L .............................................................. $19.99
Scoresby Scotch
1.75 L .............................................................. $13.99
Clan McGregor Scotch
SCOTCH & SINGLE MALTS
1.75 L .............................................................. $21.99
Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
4 yr White Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $13.99 4 yr Anejo Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $13.99 5 yr Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $16.99 7 yr Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $19.99 12 yr Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $34.99 18 yr Rum 750 ml ............................................................ $44.99
Flor De Cana
1.75 L .............................................................. $12.99
Admiral Nelson Spiced Rum
RUM
1.75 L .............................................................. $44.99
Grey Goose 80 Proof Vodka
1.75 L .............................................................. $32.99
Ketel One Vodka or Flavored Vodkas
Van Gogh Ultra Premium Vodka 1.75 L .............................................................. $24.99
1.75 L .............................................................. $19.99
Stoli Imported Vodka
1.75 L .............................................................. $19.99
Skyy Vodka
750 ml ............................................................ $14.99
Bushel Organic Vodka
1.75 L .............................................................. $10.99
McCormick Vodka
1.75 L .............................................................. $34.99
Tanqueray Gin or Rangpur Gin
750 ml ............................................................ $22.99
Field Notes Wisconsin Gin
750 ml ............................................................ $14.99
Gray ’s Peak Small Batch Gin
Lodi Red, Sixth Sense Syrah...................... $13.99 Freakshow Chardonnay, Petite Petit Sirah .......................................... $15.99 Freakshow Cabernet Sauvigon, Freakshow Red Blend, Freakshow Zinfandel..................... $17.99 Migration Pinot Noir ........................... $29.99 Mondavi Private Selection All Types, Except Barrel-Aged Wines ........ $7.99 Bourbon Barrel Cab & Chardonnay, Rum Barrel Merlot, Rye Barrel Red Blend.................................. $11.99 Mud Pie Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Petite Sirah, Rosé, Zinfandel - Save $5 ......................... $12.99 Noble Vines Chardonnay, Merlot, Pinot Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc ............................................ $8.99 Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir, Marquis Red Blend, Rosé ............................. $9.99
Michael David
Zinfandel RRV - Save $9 ..................... $15.99 Chardonnay RRV, Pinot Noir RRV Save $10 .................................................. $19.99
Matrix
Willamette Valley Pinot Noir Save $10 ........................................................ $19.99 Rutherford Cabernet Sauvignon Save $10 ........................................................ $24.99 Granite Hill Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Merlot, Petite Sirah, Pinot Grigio - Save $5 ........... $9.99 Hahn Estates Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, GSM, Merlot, Pinot Gris, Pinot Noir.................. $10.99 Harvest Moon Late Harvest Estate Zinfandel - Save $13!! 375 ml ............................................................... $6.99 J Lohr Riesling, Valdiguie .......................................... $7.99 Chardonnay Riverstone, Sauvignon Blanc, Syrah ............................. $11.99 Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Pinot Noir ...................................... $14.99 Jawbreaker Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay Save $5 ............................................................. $7.99 Lake Girl Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Red Blend ................................... $8.99 Magnolia Blossom Pinot Noir Russian River Valley Save $8 .......................................................... $21.99
Flatbed Red by Fetzer Red ................. $5.99 Go Figure
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Top 7 best picture of the year
By Smack Attackit mattjdtackett
As a photogapher i rully leik taking photos so so so much. I fid the hardest part is wreting the captions which is fie because it really doest matter since noone
PHOTO BY KOOKY BOREDMAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
“I ... do the clicky, clicky ... not the typey typey …” PHOTO BY MARTIAN KUMQUAT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
reads them anyways. I usully do the clicky, clicky with a camra not the typey typey so my writeng is never that good. I have pickeled the best phots frm this best year ever of photos and i cant wait to share with them all with you because they are so good i love them alot. The otographers did alot of relly hard work for this so i hope it shows dot dot dot…
PHOTO BY DEVIN CORNYELIUS THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
The Unprecedented Times photographer Smack Attackit can be reached at photo@collegian.com.
PHOTO BY MARTIAN KUMQUAT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES PHOTO BY LOREM BOLZUM THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Thursday, April 1, 2021
ADDAZIO >> from page 1 But as the winds of change indicate the potential for a full fall football season packed with the Ram faithful, Addazio is energized to be starting anew, especially as he reveals the X-factor he is bringing to the field in an effort to unify the university’s athletic department and administration. In an interview with The Unprecedented Times, Addazio has revealed that he recruited Joyce McConnell, the president of Colorado State University, in the offseason to fill the team’s running back void. After months of waiting, McConnell finally signed a letter of intent to join the Rams this fall season. “It was really a no-brainer to bring McConnell onboard,” Addazio said. “We’ve all seen her skills in writing emails, and I always thought the explosive and consistent output she brings to the keyboard could easily be transferred to the field.” It is hard to fully judge a team’s ground game in just the four games seen in the 2020 season, but the Colorado State program has certainly struggled to find a perennial running back in years past. Addazio believes that a heightened atmosphere
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of competition will breed the dominant rushing offense he has been pursuing. “Initially, it was just an offer to increase the buzz around the fall season,” Addazio said. “But then McConnell started showing up to practice, and not only could she play, but she was very quickly establishing herself as a competitor among the running back core.” Now that McConnell has committed, Addazio is less concerned about this secret getting leaked to other conference rivals. During her early practices, McConnell’s appearances at practices were so heavily guarded that the tales of film surrounding these practices have become somewhat mythical. That being said, on all accounts, these tapes showcase McConnell’s raw potential at the position. “Man, if any of these other teams got a hold of that tape, she would probably have been in a power-five conference before Easter,” Addazio said. Off the field, there is no ceiling to the benefits of having a university leader occupy a position in the office and on the gridiron. McConnell will be able to directly impact the climate within the football program, but according to her, this will be done entirely through her play. “I am the first female president of CSU, so I have absolute-
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Colorado State running back Joyce McConnell exits the gauntlet machine at spring football camp. In an effort to mend the relationship between Athletics and University administration, football head coach Steve Addazio has offered a half-ride scholarship to CSU President Joyce McConnell to fill the team’s need for a running back. PHOTO BY GRANDIOSE FRAMES THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
ly no issues being the first woman to absolutely level opposing defensive lines in the Mountain West,” McConnell said. When McConnell takes the field for the first time this fall, she will be the first member of a university administration to oversee a school and play for one of its athletic programs.
Does this establish McConnell as the most involved, and perhaps most imposing, president to ever occupy office? When asked, McConnell had a simple answer. “I never saw Tony Frank run at Oklahoma, so I think that answers your question.” Editor’s Note: This is a
satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being off ended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Skeez Knees can be reached at sports@collegian.com.
Is Warren Jackson too good to be good in the NFL? By The BA$$MAN @baileybassett_
Too tall, too athletic and too many touchdowns. No, these aren’t the answers to your next interview question about what your biggest weaknesses are. Instead, these are a handful of the reasons as to why Colorado State football star Warren Jackson will not be a high-round draft pick in this year’s NFL draft. Listed at 6 feet, 6 inches, Jackson is significantly taller than the average height of 6 feet for NCAA wide receivers. What is Jackson going to do with that height? This isn’t basketball — size is overrated. It simply allows for a bigger frame for hard-hitting, incoming safeties to target. The more space Jackson takes up on the field, the more likely he is going to get tackled. Not to mention the track record for pro athletes named Warren isn’t great. If drafted, he will be the only active player with Warren as a first name in the league, proving Warrens just don’t belong in modern-day football. And being the only one of anything is always risky. Jackson will be forced to set the precedent for all future Warrens, and that
pressure may get the best of him. Although the name Warren isn’t relevant in modern-day pro ball, it was a staple in the olden days. But as eras pass, play styles change and the game moves on, and the name Warren is clearly outdated in football. Not to mention Jackson will also always be living in the shadow of legendary Warrens like Warren Moon and Warren Sapp. Realistically, Jackson can top out as the third-best Warren of all time, and that is a tough thing to accept mentally. A deep threat and big-bodied wideout, Jackson is now just one month away from draft day. His now-alma mater, CSU has been labeled as “Wide Receiver University” for their recent success at breeding NFL pass catchers. The likes of Rashard Higgins, Michael Gallup and Bisi Johnson were all NFL draft selections who have impressed early in their career. Preston Williams, another CSU wideout who initially went undrafted but then signed as a free agent, is also finding NFL success. Producing four successful players at one position in only the last few years is a very impressive feat by an individual program, as the vast majority of drafted players bust out in a few seasons. It’s only a matter of time until this
happens to CSU’s “next great thing.” The odds are just against another CSU receiver having a good career. They can’t all be studs, right? After players were able to opt out of the 2020 season for COVID-19 pancake-related purposes, Jackson chose to train for the NFL draft and forgo his senior season. Can someone say #rusty? Some will argue the time off will be beneficial to Jackson’s body, and others say he honed his skills while training for the next level. The fact remains: We simply don’t know. Jackson dominated college football. In his last season for the Rams, he collected 8 touchdowns while piling up 1,119 receiving yards. These are tremendous numbers, but just because you are good at football now doesn’t mean you will be later. Will Jackson be next on this list because he is simply too talented on paper? Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter The BA$$MAN can be reached at sports@collegian.com.
Warren Jackson (9) breathes on field Nov. 23, 2019. THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES FILE PHOTO
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Thursday, April 1, 2021
Collegian.com
CSU drops New Belgium, picks up Marlboro cigarettes By Cliff “Red Apple” Booth @TMeguire
Colorado State University’s athletic department has announced plans to break its partnership with the New Belgium Brewing Company and add Marlboro Cigarettes as a new official partner, sources tell The Unprecedented Times. The decision has yet to be made public, but a close insider to the University detailed the proposed change. “CSU has been trying really hard to keep students safe during COVID-19, but sometimes it is out of their hands,” the source said. “Students continue to share (vape pens) and drinks and ultimately fail to take it seriously.” Realizing the issue is not the COVID-19 platypus but the larger health concern of vaping and drinking, CSU hopes this sponsorship change will help to point its population in the right direction. CSU reportedly thinks the decision will help the student body, as well as the athletes, cut down on vaping specifically. “The vaping epidemic is
prominent in college and especially at CSU,” the source said. “In a meeting with CSU officials, they were all trying to come up with a way to pitch a healthy alternative to students and athletes. That’s when they came up with the idea to pick Marlboro Cigarettes as a sponsor.” CSU deemed other sponsors “too valuable to lose,” which is why the University has dropped New Belgium. The University believes if students can see the athletes, stadiums and arenas covered with Marlboro, they will understand the message and drop the vape. “Look, we are not idiots here,” a CSU representative said. “We are aware of how dangerous smoking can be to young adults. But the thing we don’t know is how dangerous vaping will be in the future. Who knows? Maybe it will be 10 times worse. College kids are going to find some source of nicotine, so why don’t we promote what we know?” CSU plans to renovate Canvas Stadium to adapt to the new changes. Instead of the New Belgium Porch, they will have the Marlboro executive lounge area. The executive lounge area will
feature multiple rooms where people can smoke cigarettes and hang out. “We were thinking of doing something no one else does,” the Canvas design team said. “People love cigar lounges, so why not make a cigarette lounge? Instead of purchasing a beer, you’ll buy a pack of cigarettes to enjoy while watching the Rams play.” The drunken haze that plagued the attendees of football games will now be replaced by the more responsible haze of cigarette smoke. Moby Arena will allow smoking in all parts of the arena until the fourth quarter. When asked about visibility concerns for players, the CSU representative said, “That’s just something the players will have to deal with.” The sponsorship with be announced in the coming weeks. CSU also plans to release specially designed packs of Marlboro Lights with a golden Ram on the front. “We are extremely happy with the decision,” the representative said. “I think many schools will follow behind us. In 20 years, this move will
The newly added Marlboro Mezzanine in Canvas Stadium March 29. In an effort to promote healthier alternatives to vaping, CSU Athletics has decided to drop the New Belgium partnership in favor of a partnership with Marlboro Cigarettes. In a statement, Marlboro President of Operations Bronc Hitis said, “We are looking forward to our partnership with CSU and hope this partnership will not fail for a lung lung time.” PHOTO BY GRANDIOSE FRAMES THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
either be reflected on as the best decision or the worst. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling, and my gut is feeling for some Marlboro Lights and an iced coffee.” Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them
may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Cliff “Red Apple” Booth can be reached at sports@collegian. com.
Lacrosse teams switch out sticks for lightsabers By Taylor Skywalker @TayTayPau
The Colorado State club lacrosse teams have seen a massive increase in walk-on players this season. You might be wondering why, especially after the COVID-19 polyamorous halted all in-person activity. Is it because the men’s and women’s teams are number one in the country and can recruit purely on reputation? Absolutely not, because that’s not true. It’s because the Men’s and Women’s Collegiate Lacrosse Associations have made massive changes to equipment regulations in an effort to appeal to wider demographics to save the dying sport. In an effort to save the sport from fading into irrelevance, the league has given players a new option for their weapon of choice on the field. While a midfield player is used to grabbing their 30-40-inch stick, they can now choose a 3-foot long lightsaber. For goalies, the double-bladed lightsaber made famous by Darth Maul will take the place of the traditional goalie stick. The CLA has also offered a variety of color options so each university can pick ones that best align with their school spirit. After clearing it with the sport clubs office, a final decision was
made early last week regarding the new color scheme CSU athletes will brandish. Colorado State will abide by Star Wars canon to help bridge the gap between the athlete and nerd demographics and incorporate the traditional green lightsaber of the Jedis into team play — while also staying true to school colors. The thought process behind this pop culture equipment overhaul is that it will make lacrosse more accessible to the masses. Whether you are just a recreational Jedi or take part in the more serious live-action role-playing found in City Park every Sunday, the hope is that the switch to lightsabers will help to even the playing field and entice more prospective athletes beyond just your standard east coast LAX bro. However, with the introduction of deadly weaponry, many will have some questions surrounding the danger of getting an appendage cut off at the hands of an intergalactic sword. “What if I get my arm cut off by a lightsaber?” No need to worry — the CLA has got you covered. Along with the new lightsabers, they are also releasing a whole new line of lacrosse gear for men and women that will help mitigate the potential danger. Ever heard of beskar? If you’re in the nerd part of the population, then you are already very aware.
Some super sick LAX bros totally shred the field while facing off with some sick new sticks that use kyber crystals to make them totally radical. PHOTO BY SMACK ATTACKIT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Athletes, listen up. Beskar is a metal that can withstand being struck by a lightsaber. Feel like the Mandalorian yet? Well, you’re halfway there. Beskar will be added into to the athletes’s chest, elbow and hand protection along with an entirely new helmet completely made from
the material. Convinced that lacrosse is now the coolest sport in the world? If so, you can head to the CSU lacrosse team’s Facebook page to submit a walk-on application and start your path to becoming the greatest lacrosse Jedi of the century. Editor’s Note: This is a satire
for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Taylor Skywalker can be reached at sports@collegian.com.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
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EMBRACING STRIPES AND PATTERNS Now that we’ve explored the basics of putting together a clean outfit, it’s time to take things to the next level by introducing patterns and stripes intentionally. There is a fine line between looking generic and looking too busy. When done correctly, you’ll create eye-catching outfits that people can’t help but stare at.
JORGE ESPINOZA
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STYLEOVERVIEW STRIPES: Horizontal stripes tell our eyes to focus on the striped piece itself, making it the focal point of your outfit. You should build the rest of your outfit around this singular piece of clothing. In this case, you should avoid adding any other patterns or stripes into your outfit. Horizontal stripes look best on long sleeve shirts or T-Shirts with only a few stripes. Vertical stripes make our eyes move up and down. When using vertical stripes, you want people to be looking at not only the striped piece but also the rest of your outfit. When done correctly, you’ll notice people looking you up and down. All tops with vertical stripes are a safe bet and so are pinstripe pants. Don’t over do it with stripes. One striped piece should be enough. More than that and your eyes get confused. Match striped articles of clothing with plain articles for good contrast. Avoid matching stripes with patterned pieces.
PATTERNS: Plaid should be your go-to option when you’re feeling tempted to mix horizontal and vertical stripes. Plaid looks good on most types of clothing so you should think about having at least one plaid shirt and one pair of plaid pants. Match with a plain article of clothing. Patterned clothing should always be the focal point of your outfit, regardless of what the print looks like. Build the rest of your outfit around the pattern you choose. Think about the complementary colors and clothing textures that will contrast the piece you selected. Patterned shirts and accessories are the safest way to go. Never match more than one pattern.
DISCOVER A NEW YOU THIS SPRING UNIQUE THINGS FOR UNIQUE PEOPLE 120 S College Ave Suite B | littlepieceofmyheart.com
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Thursday, April 1, 2021
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Sponsored Content
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5 ways to wear your mask GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRISTINE MOORE-BONBRIGHT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
Spring Break Staycation Snacks
1. Sunglasses
By Anna Meiser
OK, so it’s not spring break yet but it’s never too early for snacks. Pre-game your well-earned staycation with some clever snack recipes that are guaranteed to spruce up your spring break and make lounging much more convenient.
3 minute
PB & BANANA ROLL UPS 2. Fanny pack
3. Flip-flops
Ingredients: 2 tortillas 3 tbsp peanut butter (crunchy or creamy) 2 tbsp mini chocolate chips 2 bananas, whole Optional: 1 ½ tbsp honey 2 tbsp granola instead of chocolate chips Spread peanut butter evenly over each tortilla. If using, drizzle the honey on top of peanut butter. Sprinkle your chocolate chips or granola over the peanut butter and place 1 whole banana at one end of each tortilla before rolling it up. Slice rolled tortillas into 1-inch pieces and enjoy a portable, mess-free snack.
15 minute
Mini NAAN PIZZAS
4. Tube top
5. Earrings
Ingredients: 6 mini naan breads 8 oz preferred sauce (tomato pizza sauce, Alfredo sauce, BBQ sauce, or pesto, etc) 2 cups shredded cheese (mozzarella, cheddar, monterey jack, havarti, etc) Cooking spray Favorite pizza toppings Some Topping Combos: Classic: tomato pizza sauce + ¼ tsp red pepper flakes + mozzarella + pepperoni BBQ: bbq sauce + mozzarella + bacon + chicken + pineapple Pesto: basil pesto sauce + mozzarella + Parmesan cheese Veggie: tomato pizza sauce + bell pepper strips + mushrooms + mozzarella + olives Hawaiian: tomato pizza sauce + mozzarella + ham + pineapple Cheese: tomato pizza sauce + mozzarella + cheddar + monterey jack + Parmigiano Margherita: tomato pizza sauce + mozzarella + basil leaves + drizzle of olive oil Italian: basil pesto sauce + smoked mozzarella + prosciutto + sliced sun-dried tomatoes Meat: tomato pizza sauce + mozzarella + pepperoni + ham + crumbled sausage Alfredo Bacon: Alfredo sauce + mozzarella + chicken + bacon Taco: leftover taco meat + shredded cheddar & monterey jack blend cheese + olives Baked Dessert Pizza: diced apples + streusel + salted caramel + mini chocolate chips Preheat the oven to 400°F with a rack in the center. Prep toppings and cook any that are not safe to consume raw such as chicken and bacon. When toppings are ready, prep the bread by lightly spraying both sides of each mini naan with cooking spray. Place naan on a greased, foil-lined baking sheet. Spoon your sauce of choice onto the naan bread and spread evenly between all pieces. Sprinkle your cheese of choice over the sauce and add any toppings you like, quantity to taste. Once you finish adding your toppings of choice, place naan in oven and bake for 8-9 min or until the cheese is melted and bubbling. Remove from oven and allow to cool momentarily before serving.
20 minute
Cheesy Chickpea crisps
Ingredients: 1 (15 oz) can unsalted chickpeas 2 tbsp olive oil 2 tbsp finely grated Parmesan cheese ½ tsp garlic powder ½ tsp grated lemon rind ½ tsp dried oregano ½ tsp kosher salt ¼ tsp freshly ground pepper Drain and rinse chickpeas before gently patting them dry with a paper towel. Heat oil in a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chickpeas to pan and cook, stirring occasionally, for 17 min or they turn golden brown and crispy. Once cooked, transfer chickpeas to a bowl and add the parmesan, garlic powder, lemon rind, oregano and salt and pepper. Toss until combined evenly. Serve warm or save for later by spreading chickpeas into a single layer on a baking pan or plate and allowing to cool.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
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In Defense Of: My very funny April Fools’ Day prank last year
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KEEPIN’ BUSY ZOOS & SANCTUARIES
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FOR A FUN ROAD TRIP
By Christina Johnson
Remote learning has created gaps in many students’ schedules to fill with exciting activities that adhere to public safety standards and precautions. With warmer days on the horizon, take advantage of the outdoors in Colorado with these special, socially distanced zoos and animal sanctuaries located from Pueblo to Colorado Springs to Westminster. Be sure to check out past columns of “Keepin’ Busy” and more at Collegian.com.
Open for business The Wild Animal Sanctuary Located in Keenesburg, it is the largest carnivore sanctuary in the world. The sanctuary has 789 acres and houses more than 600 rescued animals. The 1.5 mile elevated walkway has created a unique experience to view the animals in their natural habitat. Find out more at wildanimalsanctuary.org.
GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLIE DILLON THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
By Earl Pouty Jowells III @scottysseus
There is no holiday on the American calendar more demonstrative of our national values than April Fools’ Day. You could make a compelling argument that Christmas and its exaltation of blind consumerism or Mardi Gras’ celebration of getting drunk and naked in public are some of our most important cultural ideals. However, when it comes to the qualities and traditions that define the American way, there are none more distinct or quintessential than that of needlessly being an unapologetic d*ck to your friends and neighbors for the sake of a cheap laugh. It is our shameless defense of literally anything that might give one a light chuckle that sets our lovely, sadistic nation apart from all the other bland, joyless, “caring” countries with whom we share this twirling mortal orb. Celebrating April Fools’ Day is the purest display of patriotism that there is. It’s the most sincere sign of respect you can show to all of the courageous individuals who fought and died in countless wars, who marched for equal rights and who put their hard-earned reputations on the line for your freedom to do as you please without giving a single sh*t about how it affects others — so that you could freely swaddle a toilet in saran wrap so that all excrement deposited into it rebounds back onto its depositor and not go to prison.
That’s what being an American is all about, and I refuse to apologize for loving my country just because the prank I played this year caused you to scrape your knee. Seriously. You need to lighten up and quit all this moping. That was hysterical. You should have seen your face when you walked in the door — I mean, God, I should have gotten a picture; it was priceless! Your eyes just totally bugged out. I thought you were going to have a stroke. Yes, yes, I know; I know that you were with Jeremy, and Jeremy has a tendency to get a little faint when he can’t catch his breath, and I realize a ton of smoke in a poorly-ventilated bedroom isn’t ideal for him, ... but he just passed out the one time and then he was fine, so why don’t you quit looking at me like I’m some kind of a murderer? Jeremy, you’re fine right? Don’t listen to Jeremy. He’s lying. He can definitely still feel his toes, and he’s fine. Shut up Jeremy, you’re fine! Now, come on. Show me that smile. I know it’s in there. I know you can do it. Seriously — the way you’re looking at me, you’d think I just killed your puppy or something. Okay, a chinchilla is not the same thing as a puppy. A puppy has energy and a personality; a chinchilla is just the deformed mutant child of a squirrel and a mouse that got a little too drunk and a little too hot and steamy at a party one night. Hamsters should not be the size of rabbits — that is a crime against humanity. Also, it’s not like I killed
your chinchilla. Your chinchilla died of smoke inhalation after the burning curtains fell over its cage, and the curtains only caught fire after you kicked the cherry bombs into them while trying to stomp out the fire they set on the carpet. So really, you killed your chinchilla. Which isn’t to say that I’m blaming you. I’m sure Jesus will forgive your transgressions. I’m just saying that you can’t pin the death of your chinchilla on me. I know that it’s tragic, but, I mean, that scream you let out when you first walked in the door was classic. I’m serious, you sounded like Minnie Mouse high on helium! I mean, do you have 7-year-old girl stuck in your throat? That scream could have shattered glass! And when you turned around and ran into the wall on your way out the door — ha! Priceless! Noël Coward couldn’t have written better farce! Just you all like, “Aaah! The house is burning down!” then turn around and “Kathunk!” It was — whoo! I’m crying. So come on. Give me a smile. I know you can do it. You can smile. Show me that smile! God damn, you are a tough crowd. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Earl Pouty Jowells III can be reached at entertainment@ collegian.com.
The Butterfuly Pavilion Located in Westminster, The Butterfly Pavilion offers an interactive experience for guests. COVID safety measures include online ticket reservations, a mask requirement and scheduled entry. Find out more at butterflies.org.
Cheyenne Mountain Zoo Located in Colorado Springs, this zoo was named the #4 Best Zoo in North America by USA Today. More than 146 acres of exhibits, there are plenty of things to see and experience. Find out more information at cmzoo.org.
Colorado Wolf & Wildlife Center Located in Divide, this sanctuary currently houses about 15 wolves. Tours, special events and volunteer opportunities are still all available and running. Find out more information on prices, programs and hours at wolfeducation.org.
Denver Zoo
Located in downtown Denver, the zoo houses a variety of animals and other creatures. There are special up-close meets also available for purchase. COVID safety measures include mask wearing and online ticket purchase. Find out more at denverzoo.org.
Pueblo Zoo Located in Pueblo, the intimate, 25-acre zoo houses mammals, reptiles, birds, fish and more. COVID safety measures include mask wearing, non-cash payments, and online reservations. Find out more at pueblozoo.org.
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Collegian.com
Don’t go to a club; get drunk and scream at the moon By Nope Parsley @PasleyNoah
There are so few things that have upended the modern life as much as the COVID-19 personal pizza has. As the panini has raged on timelessly, all of us have collectively ignored the centuries of technological progress and evolution, opting instead for the ages-old technique of resisting change. We baked our own bread and jigged to sea shanties from an entirely land-locked state — no, Chatfield and Horsetooth reservoirs don’t count, cease your yammering! But as vaccine rollouts and boundless optimism — seriously, where do you people find it? — have declared the pancreas over, cretins left and right have begun the voyage home to that once-wonderful world we call “precedented.” Sheeple have returned in droves to the clubs, to the strip malls and, of course, the Godforsaken travel photos — nobody cares about your uncle’s lake house in Utah, Bethany. No, seriously, no one cares. We actually did a survey of everyone, and we decided unanimously that we do not give a damn. Honestly, what kind of a name is “Lake Powell” anyways?
And who the hell goes to Utah for a vacation? If you wanted to take a trip to a barren wasteland, might I suggest you venture to that timeless wonder known as Greeley, Colorado? Also, it’s a reservoir, not a lake, you nonsensical nitwits. Anyway, as people have returned to these perfectly prim and proper pastimes as were once enjoyed, prior to the COVID-19 panda manic, I can’t help but wonder where our faith in the good, old-fashioned, American institution of denial has gone. After all this time spent bunkered in bedrooms and cornered in condominiums, staring at the yellow wallpaper until sanity itself collapses, one must think that we have grown beyond such trivial things like companionship and camaraderie. Certainly, after such dysfunction and disarray, there can be only one path forward if we are to find any meaning in the collective suffering at nature’s hands. So, put as simply as possible, don’t go to a club. Go to the woods, get hammered beyond belief, reject modernity and scream at the moon. Noise ordinances be damned, it is time we all let that stuck-up, spherical entity know how we really feel about it. Quite frankly, it’s only ob-
The moon passing through the phases of the Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse Jan. 21, 2019. PHOTO BY SMACK ATTACKIT THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
vious we should have ventured back into the great unknown. There is nothing quite as American — nay, quite as human — as wailing into the void at anything and everything, with absolutely no regard for whether the void has any desire to hear our mortal screeching. And, knowing full well that we would simply howl into eternity anyway, the sound reverberating off the walls of our
own personal echo chambers, naturally we ought to band together and lift up our screams in symphony to chastise the cruel expanse of nature for its treachery, as so perfectly displayed by the year of No Lord, 2020. So in the immortal words of the also nearly-immortal Emperor Palpatine, “Do it.” No better way to celebrate the imminent spring season than by raising up your voices to
articulately express all of your spite in a tremendous, pristinely feral cacophony. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Nope Parsley can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.
If they want equality, women need to leave the music industry By Mandy Error @maddyerskine_
The increase of women in the music industry is a problem that needs to be addressed. Now that women are on the cover of magazines, running venues, headlining shows and even writing the articles we read, who are our sons supposed to look up to? Society is bending over backward to feature women. They even have their own month. While I absolutely believe in gender equality, this isn’t equality. What message are we sending to young boys by providing them with female role models? A woman simply cannot teach a boy how to play the guitar, write songs, produce music and more. Additionally, male role models are essential to teaching men how to
respect women. Boys cannot learn how to respect women by listening to them and need a male role model in a male-dominated world and industry to teach them about equality. As we all know, music is solely competitive, and by uplifting women, we are actively destroying the careers of hardworking men. We cannot just make an unlimited amount of music or expand the music industry to be more inclusive and lucrative. Each time you feature a woman on the cover of a magazine, you are taking that spot away from a man. That man could have inspired hundreds of young boys to pick up a guitar and write music about their sad, tough life of never being able to get a girlfriend. According to a recent study, only 21.7% of all musical artists, including solo artists, duos and
bands, are female. Clearly, this is because men are simply better at music, so why do we continue to feature women when there is a man that does it better? With such a small percentage of female musicians, why are we seeing them on the covers of magazines in the first place? It would make more sense to eliminate them in totality than to uplift their voices in hopes for equality. Additionally, girls don’t even need to see themselves represented in the media. They know that if they work as hard as the man on the magazine cover that they will be successful. Men, on the other hand, need constant reassurance that they are the superior gender. The study also interviewed 75 female songwriters and producers. 43% of them admitted that their skills were overlooked or discounted by their male coworkers. Ob-
viously, they were lying. Their skills were not being discounted but simply improved by the men who know less about the subject. “Mansplaining” is one of the best ways a woman can learn about the music industry. Personally, I never would have been able to plug in my bass amp if I wasn’t shown by a man. Even though I own all of my equipment, I have no idea how to use any of it. I bought it during one of my typical shopping sprees, so I’m just so thankful someone could teach me what all the buttons do. Like many others, I also do not know how to use the Internet. This is why nearly 98% of music producers are male. Music production requires an in-depth understanding of sound and technology, and women simply cannot grasp this concept. Their heads are full of romantic comedies, fashion
magazines and recipes. There is no reason women should feel that they aren’t taken seriously in the music industry. Men do not favor other men — they simply hire men at a higher rate because it helps create a more productive and drama-free environment. By allowing women to be an equal part of the scene, we are destroying the foundation of the industry and ruining the future for millions of boys. This is a threat to the music culture as a whole. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Mandy Error can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.
Thursday, April 1, 2021
@CSUCollegian
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7 things we can all look forward to in a post-panorama world By Kaddy Thorb @thorpekadyn
The COVID-19 peppercorn has caused us all to give up our old ways of existing and make some changes in our everyday lives, both for the better and for the worse. Luckily, COVID-19 vaccine numbers are rising, cities are opening up, and there seems to finally be a light at the end of a tunnel, so it’s time to celebrate things that are making a comeback in the post-COVID-19 world. 1. Brushed teeth, mints and gum These should not have been gone in the first place but should be more of a priority for people now that they have had to smell their own breath due to their masks. Hopefully, getting your breath to smell good and doing everyone else a favor will finally be the norm for hygiene thanks to COVID-19. I’m talking to you, Joe from biology. 2. Pants As much as we’ve loved our time in the sun, wearing whatever about the house, pants will be making their comeback. People who attend online Zoom
classes or work from home know that pants are not an everyday occurrence anymore, and that’s even if you need to turn on your camera. But sweatpants and pajama pants are all the rage when going on your weekly trip to the store, and it’s time for people to show off their impulse online shopping finds they made during quarantine. 3. Better-smelling hand sanitizer Seriously, why did we ever get rid of it? Better-smelling hand sanitizer has to make a comeback. There’s nothing you fear more than that moment when you put on that free hand sanitizer at the store and spend the rest of the day having flashbacks to a night you don’t need to remember due to the excessive smell of alcohol all over your hands and arms. Better-smelling hand sanitizer would save many people from regret and the burning of the inside of their nose. 4. Deodorant Again, this shouldn’t have been something that disappeared in the first place, but online school and working from home have made people maybe forget it for a day or two. Please,
if you go out in public, double down on the deodorant. And boys, let’s take a more sophisticated approach, ixnay on the Axe — OK? 5. Hookups The people on Tinder, Bumble and other dating apps have hopefully pulled back on the dates with people they don’t really know. A lot of people are spending many lonely nights during the panorama, and it’s past due that they are able to get back out there, meet up with someone and forget their name the next day. Y’all be safe out there, and if you see them on campus, avoid eye contact. 6. Stamp cards Many of you probably didn’t even realize, but most places stopped doing their reward stamp cards. The amount of free drinks I could’ve gotten from Dutch Bros. Coffee since the start of the padlock could fill multiple kiddie pools with Dinosaur Egg Blue Rebel. 7. Society in general For my antisocial, introverted people, I apologize to say that you will need to socialize with people again. For everyone else, I am excited to announce that you will be able to make ab-
A man reaches for hand sanitizer April 3, 2020. PHOTO BY KUETTNER THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
solute idiots out of yourselves in public on a daily basis again. Post-COVID-19 life is still a ways away, but hopefully people will start brushing their teeth and wearing deodorant much sooner. Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day.
Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being off ended The Unprecedented Times reporter Kaddy Thorb can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.
Fraternity member dead after unfortunate toothbrush tragedy By Wh*re-hey Espinoza @jorgespinoza14
Late last night, Richard “Throat Goat” Cox, member of Grammar Apple Uff-da, was pronounced dead by paramedics in the bathroom of his fraternity house. The cause of death was determined to be asphyxiation after Cox choked on a toothbrush in a gag reflex competition. Fellow competitors said the competition started out friendly until Cox began boasting about the length of his throat. “We called him the ‘Throat Goat’ because he was the best at chugging beer,” said Nick “Hefty” Johnson, Cox’s fraternity brother. “He may have been 6-foot-4(-inches), but his throat was 6-foot-6(inches).” Johnson said the person who gagged the least would get an exclusive opportunity to star in an upcoming documentary directed by Fraternity Chi, a popular movie documenting the lives of young men in fraternities. Johnson said the studio’s upcoming movie was looking for fraternity brothers to talk about the ways they have dismantled toxic masculinity within their organizations. “As brothers, we felt comfortable enough in our masculinity to push our gag reflexes to their limits,” Johnson said. “This was just one example of how close we are as brothers.”
Dr. Austin While, a physician at the Colorado State University Health Network, said this was a poor attempt at dismantling toxic masculinity. “Everyone should be gagging on their toothbrush if they are using it incorrectly,” While said. “All people gag on hard plastic tools that aren’t supposed to be shoved down one’s throat.” According to While, our gag reflexes are meant to keep us from choking on foreign objects that can potentially hurt us and prevent us from swallowing objects that our bodies can’t digest. Without it, While said, we could end up dead. In terms of dismantling toxic masculinity, Diego Sands, a member of the Pride Resource Center, said it takes more work than shoving a toothbrush down your throat to unlearn toxic habits. Sands said it’s common for cisgender, heterosexual men to measure their masculinity against what they perceive as “gay.” This is why many cis-het men believe having a gag reflex further confirms their heterosexual identity. “In conversations about sexuality, cis-het men have told me that they accept their gay peers,” Sands said. “However, they could never be gay, citing something arbitrary like having a gag reflex.” According to Sands, a selfproclaimed queer person with a gag reflex, they wish cis-het men would stop equating nonsexual acts with
The dangerous instrument that led to the death of a fraternity member sits dormant in a bathroom. PHOTO BY KOOKY BOREDMAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
queerness or masculinity. “Doing so only promotes the idea that queer people are inherently sexually deviant and limits sex to the constraints of penis-vagina sex,” Sands said. Sands said thinking through the ways toxic masculinity affects women and queer people is a much more useful way of dismantling toxic masculinity. Johnson said it will take time
for him and his fraternity brothers to deal with Cox’s death. In honor of Cox’s memory, Johnson said the organization will be hosting a beer-chugging competition within the fraternity, after which the winner will carry on the name “Throat Goat.” “I’m so grateful to have been able to witness the things that ‘Throat Goat’ could do with his throat,” Johnson said. “His name
will not die in vain.” Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. The Unprecedented Times reporter Wh*re-hey Espinoza can be reached at entertainment@ collegian.com.
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Collegian.com
Sudoku
COMIC ILLUSTRATION BY SCOTTY POWELL @SCOTTYSSEUS
Last edition’s sudoku solution
Last edition’s crossword solution
Small Thoughts By A bee-van Der Graph
Imagine being an ant, and Climbing something abysmal like A trash can or a bed post, And wanting to turn around too Late and then that’s your Whole damn life there. Editor’s Note: For Collegian poetry submission standards, contact Renee Ziel at rziel@collegian.com.
Comics CA
REGISTER TO VOTE IN THE
APRIL 2021 MUNICIPAL ELECTION Did you know? Anyone with a CSU address is eligible to vote in local elections. Fort Collins is your home, too! Voters may register up to and on Election Day, April 6. Ballots can be returned at the drop-box outside the Lory Student Center north entrance.
FCGOV.COM/APRILELECTION
Auxiliary aids and services are available for persons with disabilities. V/TDD 711. Esta información puede ser traducida, sin costo para usted. 970-212-2900
21-23045
COMIC ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN GREENE @TFOGDOGS
Thursday, April 1, 2021
@CSUCollegian
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Puzzle Junction Crossword Puzzle
Across 1 Horse course 5 Egg on 9 Crowning point 13 Judicious 14 Fishing need 15 Annuls 17 Sites 19 Sesame Street Muppet 20 Yale student 21 Typos 23 Jim-dandy 24 Chiang Kaishek’s capital 26 Collars 28 Hill dwellers 30 Eskimo boat 31 Approve 34 Lots of land 36 Actress Lupino 39 Carry the day
40 Expire 42 Piña colada ingredient 43 Hot time in Haiti 44 Composer Copland 45 Organ knob 46 Close-knit group 48 Mexican dish 51 Blessing 53 Home wrecker 57 Love god 58 Griddlecakes 61 Conceit 62 Pals, in Canberra 64 Some musicals 66 Antique guns 67 Conflicts 68 Seep 69 Borgia in-law 70 Sole supporter? 71 Former spouses Down 1 Young hooter
2 String quartet member 3 Computer acronym 4 Meadow 5 Apparition 6 Impoverished 7 Armbone 8 Brasserie 9 Map abbr. 10 Pupil’s cover 11 Female garment 12 Decree 16 Gets the picture 18 High-schooler 22 Sleeve stuffers, in France 25 Settle a debt 27 Ascent 29 Immunity holders, usually 31 Be in arrears
32 Outfit 33 Short stories, possibly 35 Corporate V.I.P. 37 Twosome 38 Concert prop 40 Florida’s Miami- ___ County 41 Takes in 45 Ham, to Noah 47 Go-ahead 49 Disinclined 50 Beer buy 51 Sapphires, e.g. 52 Speechify 54 Dry out, informally 55 Staring intently 56 Mislays 59 Moonfish 60 Handel opera 63 Compass pt. 65 Boot part
“Florida is Heaven’s waiting room.”
COMIC ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN GREENE @TFOGDOGS “Before I graduate, I want to ride a Bird inside the LSC.”
“This is too cheap to be ethical.”
“That’s what happens when you have a d*ck appointment but you both wear masks.” Have you overheard something funny on campus? Put your eavesdropping to good use. Tweet us @CSUCollegian and your submissions could be featured in our next paper!
Hipster Stache. You’re doing it wrong. Fellas, you want to look your best, so make sure they’re focusing on your handsome mug and not your hideous nostril garden.
THE
SCREAMIN PEACH www.screaminpeach.com
638 S. College Fort Collins, CO 970-224-2930 4414 S. College Fort Collins, CO 970-224-2936
Waxing • Brow Shaping • Microblading • Lash Tints & Lifts • Spray Tans • Boutique
Thursday, April 1, 2021
Vol. 130, No. 40
COLLEGIAN.COM
Why we’re ditching The Collegian for a new name
CSU to host Drool 4 Skool competition for scholarship money
By The Unprecedented Times Editorial Board @CSUCollegian
By Laura “The Stud” Studley @laurastudley_
ground. Before we could ask what he meant, the geese took flight, and suddenly we had a trail. We followed the geese as they flew south along the I-25 corridor. The birds stopped at several mattress stores, foraging for cocaine in discarded mattresses until they were shooed off. After a Longmont detour, the flock of drug fiends followed a delivery truck marked with Mattress “R” Us insignia. We followed our coked-out eyes in the sky to the outskirts of Denver. The mattress truck pulled into a large parking lot occupied by more trucks like it, conspicuous black vans and police cars. We confirmed the presence of Officer Sus McShady, the last known person to see Unprecedented Times editor Baul Prull before he went missing.
Dear Readers, As the editors of a publication surviving during the COVID-19 Panda Express, we, like just about everyone else on this cold (but increasingly warmer), lonely (but increasingly overcrowded) rock, have found that in addition to phrases like “can’t even,” “fake” and “no cap,” the majority of our vocabulary has been dominated by the word “unprecedented.” Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!” After endless discussions surrounding what COVID-19 is, where it is, who has it, who doesn’t have it, how not to get it and how to get vaccinated against it, we’ve only been able to come to one consistent, agreed upon conclusion: We just don’t know what’s going on anymore. Therefore, we’ve decided to do what all people in positions of power do when they don’t know what the f*ck is going on: focus on the minutiae that doesn’t actually matter while doing things the exact same way they always have. In addition, our word counts were getting a bit lengthy, with each article containing approximately 53.28 uses of the word ‘unprecedented.’ An easy way to amend this problem was just to put the word in our title. Our copy desk is a bit upset, but our advertisers are thrilled. Behold, Colorado State University community, the independent voice for your unhinged lives, The Unprecedented Times!
see DRUG RING on page 3 >>
see NEW NAME on page 7 >>
Your drool can now pay for your college tuition. On March 31, Colorado State University President Joyce McConnell announced that students will be able to win $10,000 in scholarships if they participate in the new drooling competition, aptly named Drool 4 Skool. see DROOL on page 4 >>
A mattress store in Fort Collins sits under the blue sky. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SMELLIE SHAN THE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES
The Fort Collins mattress store drug ring finally exposed By Cody “Sugar” Cookie
Addazio recruits McConnell prior to fall season By Skeez Knees @scott_nies98
Steve Addazio has had a rough start to his tenure as the Colorado State football team’s head coach. Whether it was the scathing claims made by The Coloradoan, the subsequent departmentwide investigation or the fact that season one of the Addazio-era garnered just one win for the program, it hasn’t been the smoothest of sailing so far for the new head coach. see ADDAZIO on page 15 >>
@codycooke17
For the past several weeks, The Unprecedented Times investigated dramatic drug busts and cover-ups connected to Northern Colorado’s endless proliferation of mattress stores. Now, thanks to the contribution of some unlikely allies, we’ve cracked the cocaine case wide open. Earlier this week, Unprecedented Times reporters met outside at awkwardly appropriate social distances. Per Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines, we maintained enough distance to fit two Dr. Anthony Faucis between us. When we discussed what evidence we had on the case, a gaggle of geese chortled past. Rather than stalk forward
and stare us down with those cold dark eyes like normal, the geese jerked their heads side to side and burst forward in a squawking flash of feathers. Assuming the geese were just having a rough day, we tried to get back to our work. But one reporter, Rue “Blue” Maroon, convinced us that something was up. “I’m a regular goose bully target,” she said. “These birds aren’t itching for a fight. They’re itching for something else.” Another reporter, Skeeter Yeet, alerted us to the birds’ white-ish poop. Yeet was certain the geese had recently ingested powdered cocaine — and lots of it. When we asked why he was so sure, Yeet said he, like Maroon, is frequently harassed by geese. “Gotta fight back somehow,” Yeet said with his eyes on the