Police arrest anyone with a Stanley, bike thief apprehended

By Callum Burke @burkec0621

Editor’s Note: is is a satire piece from e Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. ose who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins Police Services is back in the media spotlight after a string of seemingly random arrests was reported around Colorado State University’s main campus.

at’s right: It appears the local police have their hands full yet again in an issue involving our local student body.

Last week, e Collegian staff received word about peculiar arrests, seemingly random, being reported all around CSU. As the weather continues to rise in temperature, it seems crime rates have as well, and the local police force is taking law enforcement duties very seriously.

Assuming the arrests were bikerelated, as are most crimes reported this time of year, e Collegian staff investigated the next time an arrest occurred with minimal hopes of actually catching the elusive bikestealing bastard.

To our surprise, the situation did appear to be bike-related. We arrived at the crime scene to witness the infamous campus bike thief already being put into handcuffs — still as sketchy, fuzzy and hoof-toed as ever! Although we cannot release the name, we know he has a team of handlers.

“What confused me the most was the fact that the thief was caught stealing these bikes in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday,” Collegian investigative staff member Stella Fleckberg said. “What kind of so-called professional thief steals bikes at noon on a college campus?” e police identified the weapon in question as a “large, militarygrade blunt metal combat baton, manufactured for the sole intention of inflicting as much pain and damage as possible to those that feel its wrath.” ey also claimed in the report that the thief was using the object to threaten bike owners.

Another bizarre aspect of the crime scene was the fact that the infamous bike thief was carrying a rather identifiable weapon on his person at the time of his arrest.

“Upon further investigation and research after the arrest, The Collegian connected Fort Collins Police Services to 13 separate occasions in the last month alone involving campus-goers getting arrested. Even crazier was the fact that all the arrests involved students who owned a Stanley water bottle and had them on their person at the time of their individual arrest.”

To the regular college student, you can refer to the so-called “combat baton” as those giant Stanley water bottles that nearly every student carries to class. To be even

BY TRIN BONNER THE COLLEGIAN

more specific, it’s a Stanley “ e Quencher H2.0 Flowstate” 40-ounce Tumbler water bottle in Rose Quartz pink — the undisputed color of the upcoming spring season.

Anyway, previous police records have proven the infamous bike thief was never before arrested with this particular weapon, let alone any weapon at all, nor was the thief ever arrested in the middle of the afternoon.

Upon further investigation and research after the arrest, e Collegian connected Fort Collins Police Services to 13 separate occasions in the last month alone involving campus-goers getting arrested. Even crazier was the fact that all the arrests involved students who owned a Stanley water bottle and had them on their person at the time of their individual arrest.

In an attempt to straighten some things up about the connection to these situations, e Collegian requested an opportunity to speak with the infamous bike thief in private.

After much poking and prying, the bike thief eventually cracked and admitted the police were using him as a pawn to arrest any student on campus with a Stanley water bottle and confiscate them to help CSU fund the Andrew G. Clark Building renovation in exchange for a lighter sentence the next time he inevitably finds himself back at the station behind bars.

FCPS has since declined an opportunity to speak on the matter involving the unlawful arrests of Stanley water bottle owners on campus, and the investigation is still ongoing. at said, it is abundantly clear they have a vendetta against Stanley water bottles and will stop at nothing until they have every single one within the Fort Collins city limits.

So if you own one of the military-grade Stanley water bottles and often bring it to campus, please keep it hidden. e Fort Collins Police is tripping! And sipping! — probably out of Stanleys.

Reach Callum Burke at letters @collegian.com.