AS WE GROW

Putting anger in check

Strategies for controlling feelings

LYNN U. NICHOLS

Learning to express anger in a healthy way is one of the best traits we can instill in our kids. How kids deal with anger often influences whether or not they will have successful relationships with friends, siblings, and teammates. Almost every day, kids are faced with a situation that challenges them, whether it is a conflict over a possession, a verbal or physical confrontation, feeling like they’ve been treated unfairly, or simply someone telling them to do something they don’t want to do.

Many of us weren’t taught healthy ways to express anger, like using assertive words or speaking directly about our feelings in the moment. When negative feelings are discouraged, people learn to stuff their anger. Yet, anger doesn’t simply go away. It tends to come out sideways, or worse yet, explosively. Consider these quick skills that you can reinforce in your kids to help them deal with anger—their own or someone else’s—in a healthy way.

SPEAKING UP IN THE MOMENT

If conflict is resolved in the moment, it can stay in the moment. From an early age, model and encourage ways to stand up and be assertive. Even preschoolers can learn statements like, ‘Stop it, I don’t like that.’ Teach your kids language to resolve conflict, as in, ‘When you [do that/say that], I feel [sad, frustrated, angry, etc.].’ Speaking up goes hand-inhand with helping your children identify their feelings. If you notice an emotion, help define it, as in, ‘You slammed your math book. It seems like you are frustrated. When you start feeling that way, stop and ask for help.’ Society sometimes says boys can only have two emotions, happy or sad. Help your son, especially, identify the different feelings that mimic anger, including feeling frustrated, sad, hurt, confused, or scared.

As soon as your children seem ready, encourage them to solve their own conflicts at school, with friends, or on the field. It’s tempting to step in and do it yourself, but it’s much better if they learn the important skill of being assertive and asking for what they need. While they are first learning, you can go with them to provide encouragement and practice, but stay silent and eventually back out altogether.

KEEPING THINGS CIVIL

If your child starts saying mean things, like, ‘You are the worst mom ever!’ or ‘I hate you!’ don’t take the bait. Stay calm and say, ‘I know you are mad, but it’s not okay to say those things to me. Go in the other room. I don’t want to be around you right now.’ It can be hard to say, but it sends a clear message that disrespecting others will not be tolerated.

PRACTICING PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS

Anger can stem from not feeling heard, or something not going a child’s way. Instead of trying to solve your child’s problem, as in coming up with solutions or giving advice, empathize with how they are feeling and ask open-ended questions, as in, ‘What are some ways you could solve this?’ Help brainstorm possibilities, if needed, but always put the choice in their hands. If they choose unacceptable solutions, steer them to consider more positive options.

PHYSICAL FIGHTING IS A LINE THAT’S NEVER CROSSED

Kids need to know that hitting is never an acceptable solution, and consequences for hitting can be established up front as a standing house rule. As in, if you hit, you go to your room or you lose a privilege. Help your child gauge their anger. Consider using a stoplight metaphor. After a sibling battle, have them look back and measure their anger. Was it red (ready to hit), yellow (frustration/annoyance), or green (no anger)? Once they start noticing when their anger is building, they can deescalate the situation by walking away, taking five big breaths, counting to 10, or coming and sharing their feelings with you. Putting time and space between the feeling and their next action helps curb anger.