Questions about gender

Talking to your preteen/teen about gender and sexuality

Lynn U Nichols

WHEN A BABY IS BORN, everyone asks: “Is it a boy or a girl?” We are programmed to think there’s only two choices, and that gender is set – male or female – always matching the physical sex of a child. Yet, there are many people who live in the gray, in the in-between of this binary definition of gender. If you’ve seen clues along the way that your child might be LGBTQIA+, you are probably wondering how to talk with them about their gender and sexuality.

“Gender is not binary. It’s not just male or female. There’s lots of spaces in between,” says Cassie

Thomas, MA, LPC, with Flourish Counseling & Wellness in Fort Collins.

A 2022 Gallup poll of 12,000 U.S. adults found that 7.1 percent consider themselves LGBT. When broken down by age, Generation Z topped the chart, with 20.8 percent of young people between the ages of 20 and 26 identifying as LGBT. This means that likely their insides – a belief about who they are – doesn’t match their outsides. If your preteen or teen feels this way, they need your support.

Think of gender as a spectrum, with male on one end and female on the other. A person, regardless of sex, can fall anywhere on that spectrum. If they fall closer to the middle, or on the other side of the male/female line than their biological sex, they are prone to questioning their assigned gender.

As a parent, you know your child. You have seen clues all along the way that told you where your child lands on the spectrum. If you think your young teen is questioning their gender or budding sexuality, don’t ignore it, even if it feels scary. Because they are probably scared, too, and likely lonely.

“A lot of parents don’t understand because as a society we don’t talk about gender. I often hear the preteens and teens that I see for gender issues say they are afraid to talk with their parents because they are worried they won’t understand, or that they will say it’s a phase,” Thomas says.

You might feel confused and unsure of the next step, but it’s good to realize that your child probably feels the same way. Do your best to send the message that you are open and willing to explore what they are feeling in a supportive way, rather than seeing it as a problem that needs to be fixed. If you need a counselor to help you or your child navigate these new waters, consider getting one.

“Start slow. Take a deep breath and seek out support. It’s okay to be scared, but there are a lot of resources out there for you as a parent to help you understand and navigate conversations,” Thomas adds.

It’s okay to say, ‘This is hard for me, it’s new but we will figure it out together.’ Some parents jump on

– videos like the Trevor Project, books, workbooks, counseling, etc. are all good tools. Allow time and space for exploration. Remember, gender does not equal sex, and gender and sex exist on separate continuums that don’t neatly correlate with each other, so do your best to not make assumptions.

Preteens and teens who identify as LGBTQIA+ may go through a “transition,” a sort of coming out—transitioning from society’s expectations board and others have a harder time. Remember that this is your child, the same child from before you received this new information. It doesn’t have to change the love you have for them, but you will have to navigate the relationship differently.

“Take a gentle approach and practice curiosity rather than asking pointed questions, which can be perceived as confrontation. Start with, ‘I’ve noticed this…’ or ‘I’m curious about…’ to let them know it’s a safe topic to discuss,” Thomas says.

You can then offer resources or suggest exploring resources together of them as a physical female or male into who they believe they are. For some, this involves telling friends/ family, officially changing their name at school and in public, or changing how they dress and how they look, such as wearing a binder to flatten their chest.

Not all kids want to come out publicly, but those who do often feel like it frees them, even though it is hard. If your teen decides to transition, they will need your support. An easy way to give it is to call them by their new name.

One local teen, who officially changed her name at school, describes it this way: “Coming home to my parents who are calling me by the right name at the end of the day makes it okay. It’s like I’m getting beaten up for six hours and then I go to the hospital where they make it okay. I am not sure I’d be here today if my parents weren’t supportive.” In middle school, every teen on earth is figuring out their gender and sexuality. You might be tempted to think this is a phase, or just temporary confusion. While gender can fluctuate during adolescence, if the questioning continues and the feeling that your child’s body doesn’t match with who they feel like on the inside keeps coming up, along with signs of depression or stress, their phase is born out of fear and from the idea that adolescence is naturally a time to explore your identity. While questioning gender might be a part of discovering who they are, how they identify can shift over time as they learn more about themselves and more about the various gender identities. I don’t find gender identity to be something they tend to let go of.”

Allowing your child to define their own gender, may leave you feeling shocked and worried. It’s a natural reaction by parents who want to protect their kids from hurt and pain— and the feelings of not fitting in. Try to set your own fear aside for your child who needs you.

“Our immediate reaction when we found out our daughter was nonbinary, was sadness and worry. We just didn’t want them to deal with extra baggage in their life, but we feelings need to be taken seriously.

“For the young teens that I see who are questioning their identity, it’s not a phase,” Thomas says. “The idea some parents have that it’s a felt sure of our daughter,” says a Fort Collins dad. Be open, allow space for exploration, wait for answers to come, and most of all, love your preteen or teen who is struggling with gender identity.