AS WE GROW

Pre-teen dating

When to chill and when to worry

LYNN U. NICHOLS

It’s awkward when your preteen starts dating. For most parents it comes as a surprise and leaves them feeling unsure how to handle it. Here are three ways to help you navigate these sometimes murky waters.

KEEP TABS WITHOUT PRYING

With preteens, having some adult guidance around a dating relationship is good. Know where the relationship is at and what’s concretely happening in it at all times. You don’t want to hover, but stay aware. Offer to drive them to and from events so you can linger to observe. Invite the person your preteen is dating on a family outing. Asking open-ended questions lets preteens lead the conversation, deciding how much information they want to share. The cooler you react, the more your preteen will be willing to talk to you.

If you hear about something you don’t necessarily like, try not to judge your preteen’s boyfriend or girlfriend. It never goes over well and it will just make them clam up. To make things more comfortable, set rules around closed doors when the two are at your house or set some limits on how often they can see each other.

SLIP IN YOUR BELIEFS AND VALUES

Try to remember your early relationships, and when the timing is right share your story and talk about how the relationship made you feel, its strengths and weaknesses. This might invite your preteen to open up and do the same. Give indirect lessons on healthy relationships through your own stories, while watching a movie, or by referring to other couples, like an older sibling or cousin, pointing out what works well. When you can, reinforce the positive, as in, ‘That’s nice he’s a good listener. That shows he respects you.’

When the opportunity arises, talk about how people in healthy relationships balance their time between each other, friends, and their own family. Now’s the time to ask open-ended questions about sex. To break the ice, talk about kids at school in general, as in, ‘So, when do kids start kissing at your age?’ Or, ‘Do you know anyone who has gone all the way?’ or ‘Have you heard of sexting and what do you think of it?’ Talking in general terms might reveal how your child feels about sex and open a door to personal sharing. Finally, remind your child that they always get to choose in a relationship. If they every feel uncomfortable, they can stop and consider what they want to do, and they can always call you for a ride home.

IF YOU SUSPECT THINGS ARE UNHEALTHY, STEP IN

While you should resist getting overly involved, when there’s a reason to snoop or speak your mind, do so. If you see patterns or behaviors that concern you from the person they are dating—such as being disrespectful, controlling, demanding, negative, or jealous—these are red flags that need to be addressed. For example, if your preteen seems extra glued to their phone, it could be a sign that they are obsessed or their partner is controlling. Another red flag is overhearing your child constantly apologizing. If you notice your preteen disconnecting with friends, no longer doing things they enjoy, shutting you out, or dressing differently, be aware these can also be bad signs. Sometimes, you will have to ask the hard questions or set unwelcome consequences and it will be uncomfortable, and that’s okay. Remember, your job is to keep your child safe.

As your preteen becomes a teen you can step back and become less involved, but you should still stay watchful. It’s an exciting time for your preteen, especially with you by their side.