Creating holiday joy after divorce

Keep it simple and peaceful

Lynn U. Nichols

IT’S HARD TO FEEL FESTIVE when you’ve recently gone through a heartbreaking divorce. Likely, there’s more melancholy than merry this holiday season. While your feelings can’t be wished away, you can find moments of joy as you navigate a new way to celebrate the holidays with your kids.

“After divorce, there’s a deep feeling of grief for parents as well as the kids. You’re grieving the loss of your nuclear family,” says Jen Meyers, LPC, NCC, a counselor in Fort Collins who specializes in divorce and offers divorce recovery workshops.

By planning ahead, staying aware of your kids’ needs, taking time to grieve, and working to keep the peace, you can enjoy the holidays—and so can your kids. With each year that passes it will become a little bit easier, especially if you’ve reinforced holiday traditions or built some new ones along the way.

Plan ahead for a positive holiday It’s a new holiday landscape, so give some extra thought on how you’ll navigate it. You don’t have to create a picture-perfect holiday, just a peaceful one. Decide what activities and events matter the most, and do them. Remember, you won’t have a partner to help you shop, assemble gifts, bake treats, and fill stockings, so look at this process anew.

“On my first Christmas morning after divorce, I realized that I forgot to put something in my own stocking so I had to quickly scramble and find items. My kids still believed in Santa so they expected my stocking to be filled,” Meyers says.

To lessen the chance of surprises and upsets, make

sure your kids are aware of the rules of court-ordered visitations. Then, discuss the flexible time in between. Offer them choices during this free time. Letting your kids take the lead on a few special activities helps even out the loss of togetherness and makes the holidays happier for them. Remember that a younger child’s ability to sort through endless choices is limited, so give simple choices, as in: ‘We have a few days together after your visit with your dad, would you like to go see the light display downtown or have a cookie decorating party with friends?’

“Asking your kids for input on what they want to do helps them find meaning in the holidays and it gives them something to look forward to, which helps balance their grief,” Meyers says.

To ease your kids’ stress about going back and forth between houses over the holidays, give them a sense of control with mini choices— like which pair of pajamas or which stuffed animal they want to pack for their dad’s house.

Adding new and keeping old holiday traditions With divorce, you’ll likely establish a hybrid of holiday traditions. Consider which holiday traditions hold the most meaning for you and your children, then adjust them as needed. Having familiar traditions helps kids transition to two holiday homes versus one.

Let’s say you always went sledding as a family on New Year’s Day. Still do it, but this time with friends. Also, continue to display those special seasonal knickknacks and decorations that say Hanukkah or Christmas—and give some to your ex to display as well. Having these items at both homes will bring comfort.

“It’s good to keep holiday traditions going, and it’s also fine to come up with your own new traditions. New traditions anchor the meaning of holidays at each parents’ house now and in future years,” Meyers says.

Keep the peace and cooperate for the kids Even if you feel stung by your ex-spouse, do your best to be there for your kids. Of course you are going to feel sad or even angry at times—maybe over lost time with your kids— but find support in people other than your kids.

“When things are hard, tensions at the holidays can run high. It can be tempting to make negative comments about the other parent, so resist and rally support elsewhere,” Meyers says.

Of course, you don’t need

to be perfect Sometimes, emotions may overcome you, and that’s okay. Explain that you are sad or frustrated, but spare the details. If you involve your kids in your pain or dissatisfaction with your ex, it’s simply too much for them to handle. They have their own grief and stress with a new way of living. Plus, they want a relationship with both parents, so if you complain about their other parent they will feel protective and possibly resentful.

“There are times you will cry, and that’s okay. Kids need to know that relationships can be hard, but they need to know you are there for them,” she adds.

If the courts order you to split the holiday (for example, Christmas eve/morning and Christmas morning/eve) agree with your ex-partner that you can each access the kids via video or phone.

“Acknowledge that it’s hard and that you understand that they miss their dad (or mom). Periodically offer that they can talk to their other parent or set up a time for a video chat ahead of time so that they know what to expect,” Meyers says. “Reassure them that you will make sure they get time with both parents and that you will keep relations as peaceful as possible.”

You might feel sad that your child is gone and it might be hard to see them come home all excited from your ex’s house. Try to be excited for them, anyways. Resist asking prying questions or making statements about feeling lonely, which will only make them feel guilty for their own happiness. If you are grieving, call a trusted friend after you put the kids to bed, or plan a social outing when your kids are gone to avoid feeling lonely.

“If you find that the divorce agreement made the

holidays stressful, consider how you can make changes for next year to make it easier on the kids,” Meyers says.

If you get along with your ex-spouse and you decide to share the holiday, go for it. Just make it clear that you are not getting back together, you simply wanted to share the holiday together.

Don’t worry about creating the perfect holiday experience. Instead, keep it simple and focus on connecting. With time, your holiday joy will return in full.

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