Chapter 3 -Self Esteem and the EXECUTIVE by Sport of Mind

CHAPTER 3

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DEVELOP THE SELF ESTEEM OF A SUPER-ACHIEVER ____________________________________________________________________________________

"Have the courage to think big No one will remember Alexander the Average” - anonymous “Today you are you, that is truer than true There is no one alive who is youer than you.”

-Dr. Seuss

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WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM? ___________________________ Self Esteem can be an elusive topic. There are many definitions for Self Esteem. How do we raise our self esteem while we raise our children’s self-esteem. Lets start off by getting the Wikipedia version of Self-Esteem “In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall self-appraisal of their own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs, "I am competent/incompetent". It encompasses Emotions, “I feel triumph/despair, pride/shame. It encompasses behavior, “I am assertiveness/timorousness, confidence/cautious”. If you google “Self-Esteem” you will get over 16 million results. The most broad and frequently cited definition of self-esteem within psychology is Rosenberg's (1965), who described it as a favorable or unfavorable attitude toward the self (p. 15). Self-esteem is generally considered the evaluative component of the selfconcept, a broader representation of the self that includes cognitive and behavioral aspects as well as evaluative or affective ones (Blascovich & Tomaka, 1991). . Your level of self esteem can depend on: •

Is your job worthwhile? Do others respect what you do? Do you?

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Your achievements - do you believe you are successful?

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How do you see yourself (your self image)?

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How do you feel about your strengths and weaknesses?

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What do you think of your social status?

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How do you relate to others?

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Can you make your own decisions how to live your life? A lack of choices leads to low self esteem.

Self-esteem is very important because it affects how you think, act and even how you relate to other people. It affects your potential to be successful. Low self esteem means poor confidence and that also causes negative thoughts which mean that you are likely to give up easily rather than face challenges. In addition, it has a direct bearing on your happiness and wellbeing. ________________________________________

WHY SELF-ESTEEM IS IMPORTANT? ________________________________________ Because People with self-esteem hold themselves as worthy to be loved and to love others, worthy to be cared for and to care for others, worthy to be nurtured and to nurture

others, worthy to be touched and supported and to touch and support others, worthy to be listened to and to listen to others, worthy to be recognized and to recognize others, worthy to be encouraged and to encourage others, worthy to be reinforced as "good" people and to recognize others as "good" people. •

Have a productive personality; they have achieved success to

the best of their

ability in school, work, and society. •

Are capable of being creative, imaginative problem solvers; of being risk takers, optimistic in their approach to life and in the attainment of their personal goals.

•

Are leaders and are skillful in dealing with people. They

are neither too

independent nor too dependent on others. They have the ability to size up a relationship and adjust to the demands of the interaction. •

Have a healthy self-concept. Their perception of themselves

is in synchrony

with the picture of themselves they project to others. •

Are able to state clearly who they are, what their future potential is, and to what they are committed in life. They are able to declare what they deserve to receive in their lifetime.

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Are able to accept the responsibility for and consequences of their actions. They do not resort to shifting the blame or using others as scapegoats for actions that have resulted in a negative outcome.

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Are altruistic. They have a legitimate concern for the welfare of others. They are not self-centered or egotistical in their outlook on life. They do not take on the responsibility for others in an over-responsible way. They help others accept the

responsibility for their own actions. They are; however, always ready to help anyone who legitimately needs assistance or guidance. •

Have healthy coping skills. They are able to handle the stresses in their lives in a productive way. They are able to put the problems, concerns, issues, and conflicts that come their way into perspective. They are able to keep their lives in perspective without becoming too idealistic or too morose. They are survivors in the healthiest sense of the word. They have a good sense of humor and are able to keep a balance of work and fun in their lives.

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Look to the future with excitement, a sense of adventure and optimism. They recognize their potential for success and visualize their success in the future. They have dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future.

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They are goal-oriented with a sense of balance in working toward their goals. They know from where they have come, where they are now, and where they are going.

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SIGNS OF HEALTHY/UNHEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM ________________________________________________________ Self-esteem fluctuates as a child grows. It is frequently changed and fine-tuned, because it is affected by a child's experiences and new perceptions. It helps for parents to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem. `

A child who has low self-esteem may not want to try new things. He or she may

frequently speak negatively about his or herself, saying such things as, "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." The

child may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. Children with low self-esteem tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves. Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions. A sense of pessimism predominates.

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WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR ___________________________ A child or teen with high self-esteem will be able to: 1.

act independently

assume responsibility

take pride in his accomplishments

tolerate frustration

attempt new tasks and challenges

handle positive and negative emotions

offer assistance to others

A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. He or she is comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits. When challenges arise, he or she is able to work toward finding solutions. He or she voices discontent without belittling herself or others. For example, rather than saying, "I'm an idiot," a child with healthy self-esteem says, "I don't understand this." He or she knows his or her strengths and weaknesses, and accepts them. A sense of optimism prevails.

On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will: 1.

avoid trying new things

feel unloved and unwanted

blame others for his own shortcomings

feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent

be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration

put down his own talents and abilities

be easily influenced

What Parents Can Do to Help Even though self-esteem has been studied for more than 100 years, specialists and educators continue to debate its precise nature and development. Nevertheless, they generally agree that parents and other adults who are important to children play a major role in laying a solid foundation for a child's development. Most parents want their young children to have a healthy sense of self-esteem. That desire can also be seen in education--schools around the country include self-esteem among their goals. Many observers believe that low self-esteem lies at the bottom of many of society's problems __________________________________________

HOW IS YOUR CHILD’S SELF ESTEEM? ___________________________________________ When parents and teachers of young children talk about the need for good self-esteem, they usually mean that children should have "good feelings" about themselves. With

young children, self-esteem refers to the extent to which they expect to be accepted and valued by the adults and peers who are important to them. Children with a healthy sense of self-esteem feel that the important adults in their lives accept them, care about them, and would go out of their way to ensure that they are safe and well. They feel that those adults would be upset if anything happened to them and would miss them if they were separated. Children with low self-esteem, on the other hand, feel that the important adults and peers in their lives do not accept them, do not care about them very much, and would not go out of their way to ensure their safety and well-being. During their early years, young children's self-esteem is based largely on their perceptions of how the important adults in their lives judge them. The extent to which children believe they have the characteristics valued by the important adults and peers in their lives figures greatly in the development of self-esteem. For example, in families and communities that value athletic ability highly, children who excel in athletics are likely to have a high level of self-esteem, whereas children who are less athletic or who are criticized as being physically inept or clumsy are likely to suffer from low self-esteem. Families, communities, and ethnic and cultural groups vary in the criteria on which self-esteem is based. For example, some groups may emphasize physical appearance, and some may evaluate boys and girls differently. Stereotyping, prejudice, and discrimination are also factors that may contribute to low self-esteem among children.

How can a parent help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? Here are some tips that can make a big difference:

Your Role in Your Children's Self-Esteem Nathaniel Branden, PhD Originally published in Bottom Line Personal 7/15/95. Reprinted by permission.

Paraphrase and/or Delete this part

It’s an old and excellent adage that effective parents give children roots to grow and wings to fly. Every child needs the security of a firm base and the self-confidence to leave it one day. A central part of this process is helping children to develop self-esteem. Self-esteem is the confidence that we are competent to deal with the basic challenges of life—and also the feeling that we are worthy of happiness. Having self-esteem entails trust in one’s own mind. It also means that we have confidence in our own value-in our right to be treated with respect and benevolence, and moreover, in our right to personal happiness and joy. The Value of Self-Esteem

There is practical importance in developing self-esteem in your children when they are young. As we grow and develop, we continually face challenges of one kind or another. A child or adult who believes in his/her own personal resources is far better situated to live life successfully than a child who is inhibited or paralyzed by self-

doubt and self-distrust. The person who has no confidence in his own ability all too often allows someone else to run his life. It is rare that anything positive comes from that. Second Consideration: Children who have a clear sense of their own value tend to treat other people well. And they expect that others are going to deal with them in the same way. They don’t tolerate mistreatment-so that when they perceive someone is mistreating them, they withdraw and find a relationship in which they will be treated better. Treat Your Child With Respect

Children do not grow up in a vacuum. They grow up in a social setting, surrounded by other people. Most of their early learning occurs through encounters with their parents, grandparents, siblings and others who come into the family circle. The most important factor to consider when giving your child the basis for a happy adult life is to treat him with courtesy, respect and benevolence from the very beginning, so that the child comes to expect and perceive these qualities as normal. The child will come to understand this respectful behavior as the best way to communicate with other people. Then when your child encounters abusive behavior, he will see it as undesirable and unacceptable. Often a child has a sense of being loved by his parents-but not of being respected. Children become frustrated when they’re not taken seriously by adults I remember one of my clients saying “My father talks with more courtesy and

respect to everyone else than he talks to me. And yet, I know he would die for me. It’s very confusing.” Strategy: When your children are talking, look at them and listen while they are speaking. Don’t cut them off or finish sentences for them. Don’t unnecessarily correct them or do other work when they are talking to you. They can sense our impatience or lack of interest. Example: One day, I was swinging my granddaughter around by the arms. This was something she loved. But at some point, she said, “Let me down, Grandpa.” But because I was having so much fun myself, I continued to swing her. She said, “Grandpa, you’re not listening.” And I immediately realized that I wasn’t and set her back down on the floor. By listening to what my granddaughter said, I treated her feelings with respect. A child who is not allowed to have a voice in what happens to him will not feel entitled to his own views as an adult. The First Language is Touch

Long before a child can understand words, he understands touch. Declarations of love without touch are unconvincing and hollow. Hugging and kissing your child and holding his hand are very basic and important ways of expressing love, comfort, support and nurturing. Through touch we send sensory stimulation that helps the child’s brain develop.

Children need to experience that their person is loved and valued. Inspire, Rather than Demand

I say inspire because you can’t give child self-esteem. Self-esteem is always generated from within. How do you inspire self-esteem in a child? Obviously, if you treat a child with love, respect and acceptance, then you create the context in which the best chance exists that the child is going to internalize your messages and generate a powerful sense of self from within. Parents also should remember that it is important to respect the child’s need to struggle in the learning process. At one point or another, the parent may want to step in and tell the child the answer or show him how to solve the problem. But the fact that the child is wrestling with the learning process doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. All learning involves some struggle. Part of the feeling of achievement that comes from learning is the sense of having tackled a problem and subdued it-of having won by virtue of your own efforts. The parent may be motivated by good intentions in trying to solve the problem for the child, but the parent is really aborting the child’s learning process. Children need to know the extent of their own abilities-that they can overcome problems in the world, even if it takes a certain amount of effort.

Encourage Your Child’s Curiosity

It is important to support your child’s curiosity. Take his probing questions seriously and with respect, instead of dismissing them as silly or trivial. Children live in a world that is completely new to them. They must learn everything from the ground up, from the beginning. Their questions are part of an orientation process that goes on for years and that shapes their views of the world. Solution: One of the most important things you can do to nurture a child’s curiosity is teach how to think-not what to think. One of the responsibilities of parents or teachers is to prepare a child for independent survival as an adult. That preparation isn’t just an issue of reading, writing and arithmetic or manners. Most fundamentally, success in adult life depends on the ability to think and to learn.

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HOW CAN WE HELP? ____________________ The foundations of self-esteem are laid early in life when infants develop attachments with the adults who are responsible for them. When adults readily respond to their cries and smiles, babies learn to feel loved and valued. Children come to feel loved and accepted by being loved and accepted by people they look up to. As young children learn to trust their parents and others who care for them to satisfy their basic needs, they gradually feel wanted, valued, and loved.

Self-esteem is also related to children's feelings of belonging to a group and being able to adequately function in their group. When toddlers become preschoolers, for example, they are expected to control their impulses and adopt the rules of the family and community in which they are growing. Successfully adjusting to these groups helps to strengthen feelings of belonging to them. One point to make is that young children are unlikely to have their self-esteem strengthened from excessive praise or flattery. On the contrary, it may raise some doubts in children; many children can see through flattery and may even dismiss an adult who heaps on praise as a poor source of support--one who is not very believable. _____________________________________________________________________

KIDS WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM HAVE EASIER TIME IN LIFE ______________________________________________________________________ Providing a positive reflection doesn't mean you allow your child to run the family or approve of everything he/she does. It does mean that you that build positive self-esteem. Parents, more than anyone else can promote their child's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most parents do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their child or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind. 1.

Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to parents' words. Remember you are their environment and environment is a major factor in the brains evolution. To praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn't make the cheerleading squad, 14

avoid saying something like, "Well, next time you'll work harder and make it." Instead, say something like, "Well, you didn't make the team, but I'm really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward effort and completion instead of outcome. 2.

Be a positive role model. If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model.

Identify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs. It's important for parents to identify kids' irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they are about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping your child set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating himself or herself will help your child have a more healthy self-concept. Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to a child. I talked about the filters children have back in chapter ?. They will create their own filters that we can’t be responsible for. But what we can be responsible for is knowing that filters happen and the when we are talking to our children, we have to watch for your child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, "I can't do math. I'm a bad student." Not only is this a false generalization, it's also a belief that will set your child up for failure. Encourage your child to see the situation in its true light. A helpful response might be: "You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is just a subject that you need to spend more time on. We'll work on it together." Together time is what the child wants and will remember that most in later years.

Be spontaneous and affectionate with your child. Your love will go a long way to boost your child's self-esteem. Give your child hugs. Tell your child you're

proud of him or her. Leave a note in your child's lunch box that reads, "I think you're terrific!" Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes from the heart. 5.

Give positive, accurate feedback. A comment such as, "You always through a tantrum if you don’t get your way" will cause a child to start believing he or she has no control over his or her outbursts. A better statement is, "That was really grown up of you, your brother took your toy and you simply moved onto another toy, good job.” This acknowledges your child's feelings and rewards the choice that your child made, encouraging your child to make the right choice again next time.

Create a safe, nurturing home environment. A child who does not feel safe or is being abused at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Always remember to respect your child.

Make your home a safe haven for your family. Watch for signs of abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other potential factors that may affect your child's self-esteem. Deal with these issues sensitively but swiftly.

Help your child become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both children.

Teach your child to practice making positive self-statements. Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is

behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful selftalk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me." 10.

10 Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the child as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

11.

Develop a positive approach to providing structure for your child. All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior. They should learn selfdiscipline. To help children learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher. The "Three Fs" of positive parenting; discipline should be fair, firm and friendly.

12.

As they grow, children become increasingly sensitive to the evaluations of their peers. You and your child's teachers can help your child learn to build healthy relationships with his or her peers.

13. When children develop stronger ties with their peers in school or around the neighborhood, they may begin to evaluate themselves differently from the way they were taught at home. You can help your child by being clear about your own values and keeping the lines of communication open about experiences outside the home. 14 Children do not acquire self-esteem at once nor do they always feel good about themselves in every situation. A child may feel self-confident and accepted at home but not around the neighborhood or in a preschool class. Furthermore, as children interact with their peers or learn to function in school or some other place, they may feel accepted and liked one moment and feel different the next. You can help in these instances by reassuring your child that you support and accept him or her even while others do not. 15 Young children are more likely to benefit from tasks and activities that offer a real challenge than from those that are merely frivolous or fun. For example, you can involve your child in chores around the house, such as preparing meals or caring for pets, that stretch his or her abilities and give your child a sense of accomplishment. ___________________________________________

DISCIPLINE TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM ___________________________________________ Children who are not disciplined can not grow up with high self-esteem. They tend to feel more dependent and also feel that they have less control over their world.

Children will run into disapproval and cruelties in the world. They need the physical and emotional protection of rules and limits to grow self-esteem. When you give your child acceptance and he/she can see you really see, value, and appreciate him/her, you have provided armor against drugs, unhealthy relationships, and delinquency. _________________________________

RELATIONSHIP TO HEALTH? _________________________________ Much of the research about the relationship between self-esteem and health appears to have been done in terms of the influence of self-esteem on health-related behaviors. Self-esteem has been related to such health such as exercise (Vingerhoets, Croon, Jeninga, & Menges, 1990). Rivas Torres, Fernandez Fernandez, & Maceira, 1995) examined the relationship among self-esteem, health values, and health behaviors among adolescents. They found a significant relationship between self-esteem and general health behavior for both younger and older adolescents, and that self-esteem accounted for a significant percent of the variance in mental health behavior, social health behavior, and total health behavior. The well-established relationship between self-esteem and psychological wellbeing (e.g., depression, social anxiety, loneliness, alienation; see Blascovich & Tomaka, 1991) may be an important factor in understanding the self-esteem/health relationship. Bernard, Hutchison, Lavin, and Pennington (1996) found high correlations among self-

esteem, self-efficacy, ego strength, hardiness, optimism, and maladjustment, and all of these constructs were significantly related to health. _____________________________________

PROGRAM YOUR SELF-ESTEEM _____________________________________ As we now know from earlier in the book that everything starts from a belief and the belief matrix can identify beliefs that don’t work for us. belief  attitudes  feelings  actions  results. We also know that we have free will and that we generally use this 5% of the day. So initially we need to use this 5 % to start creating a powerful belief about yourself that will get you through. The belief matrix will get you to a belief that is not working for you. We all have beliefs that hold us back. Write down some of the things you have in your life that you don’t like. Some people put down their job, car, spouse, finances or house they live in. Pick one that you are most eager to change. Lets take job for instance. Results  my job sucks and my salary is too low Actions  I don’t look for other job, I go to the same job doing the same thing expecting different results Feelings  frustrated and stuck Attitudes  disempowered

Beliefs  I am out of control “I am out of control” is a very disempowering place to be and it drastically affects your self esteem. A recurring negative belief that you have that consciously or non-consciously are being repeated through your head is automatically reinforcing this negative belief and ultimately is affecting your self esteem. With the belief of being out of control are you able to live the six pillars of self-esteem? No way. You won’t be living responsibly because you believe people have control over you. You won’t realize that you can make your own choices. Living purposely won’t happen either because you will be living someone else’s purpose. It will be much harder to live assertively and with integrity when you are waiting for orders. Scientists have proven that we have brain plasticity. This means our brain continues to grow, change and/or evolve (depending on how you want to say it). Scientists have also proven that we can direct the change, evolution or growth through positive intention. That means that Tony Robbins was right, positive self affirmation work. So please do the Belief Matrix again inputting the life you do want. Find the new powerful belief that will work for you and simply repeat the affirmations or cantations on a daily basis. This new belief will start forming and all of a sudden you will be seeing the results you want automatically. Results  high paying rewarding career Actions  network with new exciting people Feelings  super fantastic Attitudes  grateful and hopeful

Beliefs  I take charge of my life This is basically the exact opposite of the first belief matrix. This is so simple anyone can do it. I want you to get into the habit of doing the matrix for the rest of your life. Do the matrix, take 5 minutes a day to program your brain and in 30 to 90 days you will have a new predominant belief that get you the results you want. Don’t be discouraged if your actions or results don’t change right off the bat. It takes a while for your brain to grow this new habit.

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FINDING PROFESSIONAL HELP ____________________________________ If you suspect your child has low self-esteem, you can get professional help. Family and child counselors can work to uncover underlying issues that are preventing your child from feeling good about him or herself. Therapy can adjust the way a child views himself or herself and the world. This can enable a child to first see him or herself in a more realistic light, and then to accept who he or she truly is. With a little help, every child can develop healthy self-esteem for a happier, more fulfilling life.

Self Esteem and the EXECUTIVE Nathaniel Branden: Self Esteem at Work MOST of this is not my writing….. My writing: There is an extreme amount of importance around self esteem in an our economy and its practical implications. Anyone seeking conscious control over her or his career needs self esteem. By self-esteem I mean: the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness. This means trust your ability to think, learn and make appropriate decisions to ever changing conditions. It also means confidence in your “right” to experience success and personal fulfillment. It is your convictions that states happiness is appropriate for you. This self esteem does not pertain to the EGO, as in knowing that you can perform to a certain level or complete a certain task. It’s not about how much you know about a

particular subject. This self-esteem pertains to the process of which you reason, understand and choose your actions. It is the verb Self-Esteem not the noun. Over the last 100 years as psychology being mentioned in the business community had very little overlap. Personal growth in the work place was avoided and there were many skeptics, yet we now know they cant be avoided. Because you must look at the question: what motivates people to give their best?... lies in the field of psychology. Executives do not ask, “How can we establish an organizational culture that nurtures self-esteem?” They do ask, “How can we establish an organizational culture that supports high performance, personal accountability, and creative initiative?” The questions are different, yet the answers are essentially the same. What is fear of making decisions but lack of confidence in ones mind. (Nathaniel Branden 1998, Self-Esteem at Work). An individual who experiences profound doubt about her or his value as a human being, who feels unworthy or undeserving of friendship, love or respect is at an extreme disadvantage, especially when it comes to asserting legitimate needs and protecting legitimate interests. The need for self-esteem in the Executve is urgent in this fast paced and competitive world. The Executive Dad needs a high self esteem because in this complex business structure, today’s world holds more value in intellectual property than in a worker bee that follows directions. The systems and structures support outsourced experts rather than in house workers. This integration of specialists carry knowledge and

value in what they think and their ability to create not in the old sense of workers simply listening to their superiors in a hierarchal chain. Like Starbucks company where they made every employee a partner not an employee. This drives them to think for themselves and take ownership in what they do. All of this reflects an executive with high self-esteem. Self esteem as written by Nathaniel Branden; Self esteem is the disposition to experience yourself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. There are two major areas of self esteem. One being self efficacy and the other is self respect. Self efficacy is confidence in the efficacy of your mind and your ability to think, learn and make appropriate choices while responding effectively to change. While self respect is the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment are natural for you. Self esteem is more complex than any mental picture of you experiencing yourself but more basic than any transitory feeling. It contains cognitive, evaluative and emotional components that reflect how you feel about yourself. When self esteem is high, you move toward life rather than away from it. You move toward consciousness rather than away from it. You treat people with respect and you operate responsibly. Many people tell themselves that they have high self esteem when actually it can be quite low. In this case it can promote trouble. In this case they are attempting to protect their self-esteem that they do not possess. This looks like making other people wrong. What is really happening is they are cutting themselves off or denying them of the real feelings of joy, thereby keeping them from growth or from being

healed. Always be willing to confront your problems and accept reality. You can create change and growth. If you deny your problems you sentence yourself to the very pain that you are trying to escape. As an executive dad your role is to be a leader and a role model. One who has a sense of their own value can enjoy an important advantage. An executive with a high self esteem knows their own value but first treats people with human dignity and kindness actually inspire respect from others. Self respect is vitally important, your well being depends on it and yet it is not automatic. You have to choose to focus your attention towards yourself. We have to use free will to look at it. In fact 95% of the time we automatically don’t stop and use insight into our self esteem. However with our free will, 5% of the time we can confront our own deceptions and truths while examining our choices and how that positively or negatively affects our future. There are many people who I would like to consider to have a fantastic self esteem but in the same sentence I might not call them successful. I have seen low self esteem people who have became financially wealthy but not happy. Self esteem isn’t exactly necessary for achievement but it makes the path for achievement easier and much more likely. Especially if the goal is to enjoy the process and the final achievement. An executive with low self esteem may suffer a defeat. He might lose money, lose a client or a deal falls through. The actions might look like blaming, denial, depression and despair. While someone with a high self esteem may show resilience and get back in game.

It is inevitable that you will make mistakes and that you will fail. A high self esteem can be measured to the speed of recovery. A professional sport is all about the speed of recovery. A golfer can hit a bad shot into the weeds, if he is still upset when hits his next shot he less likely to pull that shot off. Now he has two bad shots and if he doesn’t recover that will turn into three bad shots. Athletes with high self esteem will recover quickly because they know what is at stake and they are able to rebound better than that of a low self esteem athlete who can lose valuable time by going into a state of blame or denial. Archie reported to me the other day of how many high level executives have had some sort of losing a company or have a bankruptcy under their belt. Donald Trump to name one. However, failure did not stop him. Self esteem is tied to interpersonal competence. An executive who has high self esteem can usually able to communicate in such a way so that both parties are satisfied which means he can integrate both peoples goals and purpose and get them met in a professional and personal atmosphere. They have a tendency to be open, honest and appropriate this is because they are coming from a place of knowing that they have value and therefore welcome clarity. The greatest barrier to success is the feeling that you are not a person to whom success is possible or appropriate. If you remember in earlier chapters when we talked about feelings, they are driven by attitudes and attitudes are driven by beliefs. So to get past the greatest barrier to success we need to create a dominate belief that we are made up of success, that we breed success. We do that through self affirmations.

An executive with poor self esteem can cause self sabotaging behaviors which can ultimately lead to getting fired. It also looks like a need to receiving approval. If we expect to get our accolades and we don’t get them it can cause major resentment. Resentment can cause shut down or reaction mode, either of which are chaotic. Now that we have discussed why self esteem is so important, it is now time to Build our Self Esteem. Listed below are the six pillars of self esteem written by Nathaniel Branden taken from his book “Self Esteem at Work “ 1998 1. The practice of living consciously: respect for facts; being present to what we are doing while we are doing it (e.g., if our customer, supervisor, employee, supplier, colleague is talking to us, being present to the encounter); seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects; seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world as well, so that we do not act out of self-blindness. When asked to account for the extraordinary transformation he achieved at General Electric, Jack Welch spoke of “self-confidence, candor, and an unflinching willingness to face reality, even when it’s painful,” which is the essence of living consciously. 2. The practice of self-acceptance: the willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning—and also without self-repudiation; giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts, experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing or condoning them. If we are self-accepting, we do not experience ourselves as always “on trial,” and what this leads to is non-defensiveness

and willingness to hear critical feedback or different ideas without becoming hostile and adversarial. 3. The practice of self-responsibility: realizing that we are the authors of our choices and actions; that each one of us is responsible for our life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer values in exchange; and that the question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to be done?” 4. The practice of self-assertiveness: being authentic in our dealings with others; treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid someone’s disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate circumstances. 5. The practice of living purposefully: identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them, organizing behavior in the service of those goals, monitoring action to be sure we stay on track—and paying attention to outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board. 6. The practice of personal integrity: living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we professes to admire; dealing with others fairly and benevolently. When we betray our values, we betray our mind, and self-esteem is an inevitable casualty.

Effective Managers Have High Self –Esteem: We showed you what and why self esteem is so important, now we are going to explain how to increase your self-esteem. You have probably heard some of these techniques before, don’t let that stop you from taking in this valuable information. • Do what your say your going to do when you say your going to do them. Set a standard of personal integrity. Keep your promises, and honor your commitments. • Find out what your employees strengths are. They might have talents on and off the job. Look for opportunities for people to shine • Constantly stretch your employees comfort level. Give them challenges that stimulate personal and professional growth. • Allow your employees to mess up with confidence. No one is perfect. Remember if your not messing up, your not being challenged enough. • Promote the great inspirers of self-respect and enthusiasm for the organization. Conflict • Let people feel free to say “I don’t know, but I will find out.” • Show that it is safe to disagree with you. • Important: Disagreement does not have to be disagreeable.

• Make eye contact and listen actively. Offer appropriate feedback, and give the speaker the experience of being heard. • Never permit conflicts of personalities. Keep encounters about work task-centered, not ego-centered. • Provide reasons for rules and guidelines when they are not self-evident.

Feedback • Process with your employee when the make good or bad decisions. Show you care regardless. • Provide clear performance standards. Let people understand your non-negotiable expectations regarding the quality of work. • Praise in public … correct in private. • Convey in every way possible that you are not interested in blaming—you are interested in solutions. When we look for solutions, we grow in self-esteem. When we blame or make excuses, we weaken self-esteem. • Take personal responsibility for creating a culture of self-esteem. Great managers are not the ones who come up with brilliant solutions, but those who see to it that their staffs come up with brilliant solutions.

• Avoid overdirecting, overobserving and overreporting. Excessive “managing” is the enemy of autonomy and creativity. Homework you can give do yourself or your employees.

1 Avoid negative self-talk; increase positive talk 2 Recognize Unigueness 3 Act with dignity 4 Express to a family member or friend how you feel about yourself 5 Write down you strong character traits. 6 Think about how you stand up for yourself 7 Recognize what gets you down on yourself 8 Recognize when you have judged yourself too harshly 9 Recognize how you express your feelings Give yourself enough credit (However, don’t give yourself too much credit) 10 Think about the unique experiences that you have learned from 11 Think about the unique experiences that you have had that others could learn from 12 Think about how your personality is unique 13 Think about how your spirituality is unique 14 Realize you are not terrible when you make a mistak

15 Realize that just because one person doesn’t like your ideas, that doesn’t mean others won’t 16 Nobody is perfect – including me 17 Have your spouse or close friend compile a list of your strengths and also a list of your limiters

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