watching you without me
katie
Katie fumbles for her keys just before she gets down the path. One, two, three, four, five steps to the door, a gorgeous sunny orange with the paint peeling, though it could be any colour in this light. Feels late, but she doesn’t think to look at her watch.
It’s pouring now, keys nowhere to be found Something’s off.
No keys? No bag?
A thought turns her body cold, but she shrugs it off, Kit has promised her risotto tonight and she’s starving or is she starving? Shouldn’t she be starving? What time is it again? Must be around 7…8pm? but it’s so dark.
Where did her keys go? Lost them somewhere, she can’t remember where doesn’t feel important. She goes to knock, but is pulled back by a thought, a wave of nausea moves from her toes to her gut to her gullet. No sickness though. Pulling herself together, she does three frantic knocks on the door. The knocker is sodden, wet on her already soaked skin, the feeling makes her cringe. No answer.
3 more knocks. 3 more knocks 3 more.
She looks at her watch, no watch there. Is it late? She thinks in a panic. Surely, it’s not late? I only left at…6? Was it 7…8? It wasn’t late. Why isn’t Kit in? He should be in by now, and he’s promised risotto.
She thinks to tap on the window, that usually works when he can’t hear the door because he’s got his music on too loud.
She loves making Kit jump, taking him out of his world and back into the real one.
She lets out a small giggle in anticipation. It comes out as a choke.
The lights are on. All the lights. Wrong.
Swallowing some pride, fear, she peeks in before she taps. Something stops the tap. Kit sat upright, not curled on the couch like he usually is. Katie loves that couch, a buttery brown leather, a gift from Kit’s late mother. They would spend Sundays on that couch, with Linda, their needy black cat who would shove herself between them. So warm. So safe.
Kit! Kit! Nothing. KIT! Let me in you prick, it’s pouring!
Has he been crying? Did something happen at work? He would have said something, they text constantly. She reaches in her pocket for her phone, then stops. No point in the rain, and she’ll be in soon to find out, and he’ll tell her, and then they’ll eat risotto and sink into the couch and be warm and dry.
She dares to peer in more carefully, Linda sat next to kit, beside the dip where Katie usually sits. Dinner isn’t on the table; she can’t be that late. But it doesn’t seem to be cooking either.
Kit’s face is glistening and red and swollen, the blue glow of the TV reflects off his face.
What is he watching? Why is he sobbing?
Wrong wrong wrong wrong.
DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN DON’T IGNORE, DON’T IGNORE ME, LET ME IN
The panic is wild now. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
In pure desperation, she goes round the back. frantic The broken window they never had the funds to fix.
No one will ever break in They were secure, safe, dry, warm, far from anything nasty. Near trees, near water, near nature Not close to anything sinister The window will be fine.
It’s come in handy now that stupid fucking broken window.
It opens easily, she crawls inside.
IT’S ME I’M HOME NOW
She expects to leave a trail of wet footprints.
Don’t worry about the mess, I don’t know where my shoes went but I’ll mop it up.
Kit?
She expects to feel warmth from the heating, just turning October and newly switched back on. Nothing.
Kit? Please.
I know I’m late, it’s been a nightmare, I lost track of time, I lost my keys and then you couldn’t hear me, so I had to go through the sodding window. I’ll heat my dinner up now if it’s cold, will you sit with me though? I’m feeling a bit shaken by the storm.
Kit?
What are you watching? You didn’t even hear me knock! I had to climb in through the window— I basically broke in— Kit?
I broke in? Kit? Can’t you hear me?
She joins him in the living room.
Why are you ignoring me? Is it because I’m late?
She looks at his phone. A text flashes up We wanted to warn you, it will be on the news tonight.
Why was mum texting him?
News?
Fear takes her voice; she can’t speak anymore and starts to sob.
What could have happened, what did I miss? I haven’t been gone long I go for one swim, and suddenly everything is wrong. Why is everything wrong?
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
Katie sits between Kit and Linda in her spot decides to watch the TV with them.
She looks at the screen and dread fills her body as her memories return
Lake Swimming Back at 5 Make dinner I love you See you later
Dark too early Rain too heavy
Falling Falling Falling
Wet
Wet
Wet
Gone.
NO
KIT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN HOW COULD IT? I’M HERE! CAN’T YOU SEE ME? I’M HERE
She tries to shake Kit, but her fingers don’t grip Kit shivers and curls into a ball, Linda curls next to him and stares up at Katie and blinks slowly
Cats blink to show their love.
She can see me! Katie blinks back.
Katie, it’s time to go.
Kit’s mum is here now.
Come on Katie, leave them now.
No
Swim
Dark
Rain
Fall
Wet
Gone.
kit
The first thing they found was her keys. then a shoe then her bag then another shoe.
None of that was enough, it was a tooth that identified her. Her tooth Out of her skull.
Keys Shoe Bag Shoe Tooth Tooth Tooth
A tooth out of her skull the tooth should be inside her skull. How could she do this to me?
I keep her tooth safe with me in our home where she should be.
The clock in the kitchen goes round and round and round and round and round but the numbers don’t mean anything. Not since ___________ I texted her to get more wine in at 7pm I thought it would be nice to have a drink with the dinner comfort in this furious storm.
I’d imagined the night different. We’d eat and she’d be impressed with my new recipe she’d been craving risotto and I’d looked it up on my way home from work
the rain was starting to get heavy then. I could have stopped ____________
I thought we would eat and drink and maybe you know— I’d always loved the rhythmic patter of raindrops on the windows I felt betrayed by the rain.
By 9pm everything had got tense and WRONG and I’d forgotten about my fucking risotto congealing in the pan.
It’s still sat in the bin, moulding now.
The risotto is LIVING, and she is DEAD.
She’s ruined everything and I don’t know how to forgive her. I’d told her and told her to be more careful with her life
carefree
careless
selfish.
When my mum died every second felt so mortal. Katie never understood. Her life was so comfortable and safe. I was just a nagging bleat in her ear. I just killed her fun.
She lived free, and I was chained down by death I saw skin that could break, blood that could shed. A tooth, outside of a skull.
When we moved I thought it would make us safe. The city was harsh and had killed my mum. We wanted Linda to have more space, she hated our poky flat. I craved safety. Kids maybe one day. Not anymore. Just rain trees and a tooth.
The days dissolve into each other and I am stuck in _________
Where are you? How could you?
If it wasn’t for Linda, headbutting my knee and jumping on my lap the days would bleed and melt.
She needs to be fed; I think she’s trying to make sure I feed myself too.
Don’t be a child, the cat doesn’t know anything. She just knows to eat and shit and sleep.
I cling to her anyway, and we sit together on mum’s couch, and I cry for my mum.
There’s still a slight dent from Katie, and I kid myself that it’s warm, as if she’s sitting there now.
The weather had been calm since _______ The rain felt hopeful, so furious, persistent, unrelenting. There was energy in the rain and without it there’s nothing at all.
I blamed Katie for dying. I blamed myself for not acting sooner, too passive. I blamed the weather for taking her.
I would sob until my entire body felt liquid, until I was so exhausted, I would collapse and sleep, and then wake up, still crying somehow.
The air felt stale and wrong and heavy like it was pushing on my chest.
On the fifth day, when they confirmed everything, I’d stopped moving from the couch.
Linda hadn’t moved from my side, filling in space.
A text from Katie’s mum
We wanted to warn you, it will be on the news tonight.
I pushed my phone in between the cushions of the sofa so the buzzes wouldn’t disturb me.
When my mum had just died, I would put my ear right up against the cushions so the leather would brush against my ears, and it would feel like a whisper. I would pretend it was my mum speaking to me.
Take my phone mum. Linda hopped up and sat next to me.
We need you we need you we need you.
Finally, the rain returned, and it felt like a relief. Pelting at full force on the window, it soothed me.
On the night of the news broadcast, I cling to the sofa, pathetic, like a child hugging their mum. I pour some whiskey, no ice
BODY FOUND IN LAKE, CONFIRMED TO BE KATIE BLACK, WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN MISSING LAST 5 DAYS
It curdles in my mouth.
I hit the ground, and everything was wet through the film that covered my eyes, I thought I could see her through the window peeking in. Delusional now.
I wipe my face and try to get a better look nothing, just the fast rain of the storm that had returned.
I paused the TV and let it sit there, like prodding a cut and letting it bleed more. It makes me shiver, the house never felt warm anymore. Heating, jumpers, nothing penetrated, and the house is permanently iced. Linda had huddled close to me, I thought she’d been startled by the sudden movement, but she was looking up over my shoulder, slow-blinking.
Cat kisses.
Can you see her? She blinks twice more, and I feel warm.
Did you see her?
Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a wet footprint trailing through the living room.
I blink, it’s gone.
Linda blinks once more, looking at me this time. She’s right. Katie is here. I curl my fist around the tooth, it spikes me slightly and I grip tighter.
She’s home.
linda
The rain is loud loud loud and feels bad on fur. Cold, Linda runs in. Kit cooking, she jumps up to get some scraps, he scratches under her chin.
Dreams of trees and rain and a bird hidden in a tree got to jump up to reach got to run and feel the grass beneath free free free. Awake, the air is off.
up
up
Kit hunched over lots, Linda stays close. Lots of days, Kit’s hunched over, Kit’s not moving, Kit’s face is wet Kit stays close so Linda stays close. Inside for these days, near Kit, safety but feeling wrong.
Katie’s not here to sneak treats Katie’s not here to play string Katie’s not here to sit between at night Katie’s not here in daytime for lunch scraps Katie’s not here for head scratches.
The house stops smelling like Katie.
Rain has returned, stay inside. TV on, so bright and loud and confusing, Linda sticks near Kit. Kit’s face is wet again.
Katie! Home now! Katie is here, but her smell isn’t. Linda greets her, her closest friend, the best feeling now she’s here too. Everyone was wrong, she communicates with her eyes, Kit has a wet face, something wrong, no treats for me, air felt wrong, your smell wasn’t here.
Katie’s smell still isn’t here.
Linda blinks one more time, sees someone else with no smell. They leave together. She blinks at Kit, and they go to bed.
Dreams, this time of Katie with smell.