KNOCKERS!!
—we didn't forget.
IC MAN LED TRAIN HEIST! A thorough investigation into what Police thought to be a sewn-up case has revealed some astonishing truths about the Great Train Robbery. Here is what our reporter discovered in his in-depth search — Shock 1: the Great Train Heist was masterminded years ago from a small office in the Imperial College, London Shock 2: the sum of money stolen in the heist HORROR
the quadrangle ilsell was onto something Biggs, so he u n d e r d i e and W h e n l i e cleared. In an airtight room in steamed ahead, p r o b i n g deeper part o f I C the into die scandalous allair. l i e (|tii//ed t h e U n i o n S e c r e t - another interviews continued a n d the was told, by a friend, thai the a r y , lie was g i v e n d i e inevitjigsaw began to piece together. sum stolen in llle ( J . T . H . . able fbb-oll' reply, "that's previously reckoned to be about what iI i s , pa pIT', 2 m i l l i on, was/13.LM0,000. and (.)iicstioiincd further. die that the whole thing had been made
T h e suspicions o f our reporter were aroused when he read about a scandal involving certain Union p u b I i< a t io ns making vast profits, often r e a c h i n g f) 5.2 I. N o t being satislied at the official explanation o f t h e way these prolits were m a d e , as a l l U n i o n accounts are meant to run at a 0 . 5 0 0 deficit, he probed further.
was far above the officially released figure Shock 3: a conspiracy of silence has surrounded the affair since the plan was drawn up, even those not directly involved being willing to comply with the "rule of shtumm" Shock 4: IC Union officials have been bought over by the payment of large sums of money into various Union accounts.
and
lisied
heading/paper'.
Secretary, remain
w h o wished
anonymous,
s c d d i a l lie ' c o u l d n ' t
A File-y Scoop!
to
conlcskeep up
the trail o f learning die identity
c o n s c i e n c e a l lastZ
of
by Lunchtime O'Conscience
BREASTS W h a t (tune to light in those
the o l d
BUTTOCKS
There
to d i e a c c o u n t s n l t h e
Union
Duplicating
where
opened
Service,
llrsl
s e v e r a l d e p o s i t s o l /.4.40 w e r e
anil cleared
i r flight.
.Nostrils in the vicinity opened.
chequebooks
From ol
the
look h i m to die south ol T r a m e
through the
It was d i e mention o f the instantly cleared till a r o u n d the (Jreal Train Heist that assured quadrangle, so l o o bowels our reporter that he was on the
M a t c h took h i m
delved deeper.
I ' u i o n . he found a clue which
mouths opened a n d consrifiiccs
The
T h e Mastermind, our
reporter
discussions was l o send shock rippling
Imperial
C e r t a i n thai he was hot o n
"I'm g l a d l o have il all o i l ' m y
waves
from
FURTHER PROBE
die pretence any longer, u i d
whole o f Imperial ('ollcge. A s
SCANDAL
masterminded (College.
right
track. H e knew
he was
tuned to the right station, a n d
he met ihe m a n he
believed lo lie T h e M a s t e r m i n d
IDENTITY 'Yes,
it w a s m e , ' said the
(continued
o npage
INSIDE: TV • SPORT • THEATR E • EDUC AT ION AL SUPPLEMENT INTERVIEW* COMMENT
13)
PAGE 2
EDITORIAL From Brazil nuts to you
Shiny's last stand
W e l l , I h a d y o u all f o o l e d for l o n g e n o u g h ! Y o u all t h o u g h t that I w a s The M a s t e r m i n d , didn't y o u ? G a w d , h o w we l a u g h e d , m e a n d the l a d s . If it hadn't b e e n for that nark, w e ' d have still b e e n c a r r y i n g the b l a m e for it n o w ! S h o w s y o u h o w g u l l i b l e p e o p l e c a n be. A n d as for the a m o u n t w e got a w a y w i t h , T h e B o s s c o u l d n ' t s t a n d up for w e e k s , his s i d e s hurt s o m u c h . £15,210,000 — n i c e tidy s u m , e h ? (even split 4.5 t h o u s a n d ways!) But he's g l a d (we all are, really) that it's not o n his c o n s c i e n c e a n y m o r e . H e c o u l d h a r d l y take his c o g n a c - i n - t h e - s u n w i t h o u t w o r r y i n g w h e n it w o u l d all c o m e out.
A l t h o u g h S h i n y a n d his g a n g have been rivals of o u r s in the past, w e a l w a y s feel s o r r y for a n y o n e c a u g h t the way he w a s — short, s o to s p e a k . A s a t a c t i c i a n he was brilliant if u n o r t h o d o x , a n d he f o l l o w e d his p e r s o n a l m o t t o ( F o r w a r d ! l a d s , that's the way!) in all the stunts he tried to pull. I'm s u r e he won't m i n d me telling y o u a b o u t the s u p e r b j o b he set up for the B a n k of E n g l a n d . N o w , y o u m a y not believe this, but G o s p e l truth is that he p l a n n e d to d r e s s up like a D a l e k a n d just g l i d e right in there, c o o l as y o u like, a n d d e m a n d £1521 in u s e d notes f r o m the teller! W h a t a m i n d ! A n d a m a s t e r of d i s g u i s e too w a s o u r S h i n y . I r e m e m b e r the time he tried to p a s s off as a S h i r l e y T e m p l e l o o k - a l i k e to set up a stunt at P i n e w o o d S t u d i o s . H e f o u n d that the j o b h a d a l r e a d y b e e n s t a g e d by his s i d e k i c k , 'Lil the P i n k ' , a n d Lil h a d got the job o n a c c o u n t of S h i n y ' s v o i c e w a s too low. S t i l l , that's the w a y it g o e s , eh S h i n y ?
One thing though B u t T h e G a f f e r h a s b e e n rather upset a b o u t o n e t h i n g ; s o m e p e o p l e have s a i d that the l a d s have b e e n an i n t r o s p e c t i v e a n d o u t - o f - t o u c h b u n c h , a n d that the g a n g h a s b e e n rather c l i q u - i s h . T h i s really hurt s o m e of the b o y s , a n d T C w a n t e d to s a y a few w o r d s a b o u t it himself, s o here it is: 'Some
people
are
unsociable
that
ain't
so
Anyone you
who
it ain't
with
that.
and
I'll
hurts
bite
them.
have and
said
cliqu-ish.
ain't
never
knows
the
so
and
you
I run
my
the
legs
Right?
that
and
my been
boys
will
so. tell
can't
argue
gang
as a
family
off
anyone
who
S o , I gotter leave y o u a n d love y o u n o w , just time to s a y that the lads w o u l d all like to thank y o u for the l a u g h s y o u ' v e g i v e n us, a n d we h o p e that w e ' v e given y o u as m u c h fun with o u r s t o r i e s as they have g i v e n to us. Love and cuddles,
Right!"
WFile-y .a
lads Well
TTFNYSB
BIGGSY
"swinging" - Jack
Ketch
TABLE MATS!! makes even the dullest dinner party go with a touch of class PRE-BUDGET PRICES WHILE STOCKS LAST!!!
'buy one t o d a y " - M i c h a e l
Edwards
O O
ct
PAGE 3
LWT-LWT-LWT Liberal Weekend Television
NEW! JfO
YOU AN OFFER CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS
your viewing tonight
L
L 1.00
Newsbulletin.
2.00
Racing from Limerick:
TAKE A LIFE SUBSCRIPTION TO
A pastil he ol today's events
.I jockey one day /or a clan Mai/i
liis liaise somersault
in the aii,
Hal ific hoi w g/nc a cough. And its lacIJi
KNIFE
dropped of/.
So mac il must run as a mare,
limn
hum.
3.00
I n t e r m i s s i o n , tone o/ tin most sensible programmes
4.45
L u c o c k ' s c h o i c e . A M a r y k i n s profile.
5.00
B l u e Peter. Liberal e x - M l
5.35
Magic
5.45
Newsbulletin.
6.00
N o t i o n l i n e . I . W T ' s p h o n e - i n i n n o v a t i o n . A forum lor L i b e r a l ideas. C a l l e r s miisl be able lo spell iheii ow n n a m e a n d answer ihe telephone whilst d o i n g the h o n i n g
6.45
T h e P i n k P o n c e r . C a r t o o n fun.
7.00
C r a s s r o a d s . H a l f a n d hour in the life o f e v e r y d a v Spaghetti j u n c t i o n folk. (Perhaps that's why it's so Irnih
7.30
C a s t r a t i o n S t r e e t . E d n a S h a r p - p i l e s finds a cure Ibr
8.00
P a n A r o m a . T h i s week's p r o g r a m m e
1
today.)
BcssclJ tells liis o w n sioiy.
R o m p a b o u t . Jeremy
Bear a n d .Norman
Bare
WEEKLY
illustrate die ins a n d outs o f polities today. A re-liasli o f die I pin pastiche.
without b u r n i n g their ears. I And lime J) deal consi irm t.)
and drawn
mil.)
her c o m p l a i n t . -Norman bites o i l ' m o re than h e c a i n hew. "Ihe
Slcmli
oj I'oliiics".
is entitled
Those Liberal M P ' s
who
seriously expect to be returned (o the C o m m o n s at the next G e n e r a l Licet ion answer questions c o n c e r n i n g their attempts lo m a i n t a i n the balance o f power, agiec they must slick logclhei
or bust, F.i[hii
tllolh
way they'll
Imggei ed.) 9.00
C a n n o n . T h e overweight
GRINDERS
detective gels lo the
TELLS YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT KEEPING THE EDGE ON YOUR STILLETTO, BOWIEKNIFE, E T C .
bottom o f I liis mysterious case w h e n his client is suddenly Ibund guilty of receiving swollen goods, (lit my view Cannon's
jasl a load o/ old halls, (•as//. I'll 1
he llie
son of a gun.) 10.00
N e w s at T e n . A pack o f lies with c x i r a inches of Prince C h a i l e s . C o n t a i n s no rclerciK cs whatsoever 111 .Norman a n d Jeremy.
10.30
The Eleven O'clock Documentary:
Yes — please rush me my F R E E
((iii-seienee I lie a i l ol f o o l i n g people , is probed in
O R Y C O P Y o f T h e K n i f e G r i n d e r s W e e k l y at n o
1
INTRODUCT-
linger-deep d e p t h bv Joan H o r a c e who recently
c o s t t o m e . I a m o v e r 18 a n d c a n a n s w e r t h e
lightened hci load bv i i n d e r g o i n g a s i m p l c c r a b b c i toniy.
telephone
(Hood - /in amnesiacs./
ear.
W h a t t h e P a p e r s S a y . T h e usual shock horror probe. 11 an n. Hood
12.00
Conscience.
(Brought loi ward hall an hour) C o n s c i e n c e , or (
11.35
Just clip and return the coupon below to receive a FREE INTRODUCTORY COPY — no need to do more than fill in the banker's order for £1521, we will do the rest.
Epilogue.
- /in ttiMiiiitiiai \. I
whilst i r o n i n g without
burning
my
Name Address D e a r B a n k : p a y t h e m £1521 w h e n e v e r t h e y a s k y o u f o r it. T h a n k y o u (signed)
•o >
tje twmems & mm fe B U T /W/ASTfft , How OW
DEFEAT
AT
SUCH
QNO
IS A
CONSIDER
THE
STRANGE
THING,
ANCIENT
CHINESE
GRASSHOPPER FABLE
•
I
[I
SEE, MASTER, THIS EVIL DEMAGOGUE, DOES HE NOT THINK HE IS A GOD ?
ONCE
A NEWSPAPER
TWEED; HE WENT
CALLED HE
WAS
FOOLED
HIS
WITH
AN
AND
STABBED
FRIEND
ALMIGHTY ALL
OFF
HACK, THE
f
YOU ARE COWKT, GRASSHOPPER,
AM
PLEASED
Q.RASSHOPPER
TWEED,
OF
TRACK,
HAILS
JOHN CON,
HIS
FROM
WARRIORS,
HAS MUCH
DO
YbU
NOT
TO WEIGH
HEAVY
SEE GRASSHOPPER
LANDS
IN
THE
ON
HIS
OF THE
LEAGUES
CONFUCIOUS,
FRIENDS
HE
CONSCIENCE,
?
THE
TO
WERE,
A SwiNE,
EVERYONE
HE
TUMPED
TILL
HE
HAD
THEN C
ON
HE USED
THE IT
CALLED
TWEED,
To
HIS OWN
NEED.
OF
A
WHITE
SIX
ARDUOUS
TWEEO
IN
SAQAR-TEEKLE.
fAAY
IT VILE
HIS
RECORDED WHO
OEEQS FoPEwARN
TO BE
So FOOLISH
AS
1
TO
DECLARE
THEMSELVES
CHARTER.
DEEMED IK1
WAS
SOME
WAY
FORMED
THE
NiuE
TEhJTH
AMD
SCREAMED
PERSONS
LIVING
OR
DEAD
IS
PURELY
COINCIDENTAL.
OF
A
UPON,
TWEED,THE
KKlt&HT
WAS NINE
PREFER.
WHEN READ.
CATS
OUT
"SNIVELLING-
OF LITTLE
QASTARD!"TO
ANY
BRAND.
POST SCRIPTUM AND ASKEV FOR MINOR, TO BE TO
P.
IKJUUUATIOMS
CLEARLY,
OTHER
CAT TWEE
EXCOMHUHiCATFD FOUL
MALOOOUROUS
WICKEDNESS.
PRESENT,
DECIVED
WAS TWEED
THE
AROUND
PROCLAMATION
TEN
IT
GRAND
HIS OF
KKiidHTS WAS
THE
FOR
CIRCLE
BRAND
UP.
TO
KUIQ.HTS A
Q-OQ.
DRAwv
NECESSARY
THE
RESEMlMNCt
BEEN
THAT
DECIDED
OTHERS
A
ANY
O
Tu>EED,WHO
AFTEP.
SHOULD
FLAT,
SUIT
AS
PLEDGED
CAPTURED
LAND
THE WAS
CAT IT
MISTS
THE
OUT
ONCE
EVENTUALLY,
AGREED
BATTERED
CAT,
SEEK
THE
OF
KNIGHT.
SAY-
WAS A WRITER
ADEPT
ENQUIRE, OUT
RoDE
MOUTHS,THEY ONCE
YOU , FOR
OF
HIMSELF,
HYPOCRITE AWAY.
BACK. THERE
HE
THE MANY
So
DEBAUCHERY
MIDDLE-EARTH,
THEY
HE
SORCERER,
DECEPTION,
KNIGHTS
THERE
To
HOPE
CORRUPTION?
r CONSCIENCE
A
TRICKERY,
WE
II
©
I AT THE HEARINCT, TWEED HElEHW ONE CASE OF INFLUENCING A INTO CONSIDERATION. TAKEN FELIX
CLUB
8th
MARCH
1171
H-3
O
m
PAGE 5
A M A J O R T E M P E S T has been unleashed f o l l o w i n g the a m a z i n g d i s c o v e r y by F I L E - Y r e p o r t e r s of a n e w S h a k e s b o r e a n m a s t e r p i e c e . A r t c r i t i c s t h e w o r l d o v e r , a n d in t h e B B C , have a g r e e d that the w o r k , " T h e T r a g e d i e of Macbroth", ranks equal with formerly a c k n o w l e d g e d c l a s s i c s s u c h a s A s Y o u L i c k It, C o r i o l e A n u s , a n d T h e S o n of B l a c k D r a c u l a ' s D a u g h t e r G o e s W e s t (2), a l t h o u g h m a n y believe that M a r l o w e a n d B a c o n h a d m o r e t h a n j u s t a h a n d i n t h e latter. W h i l e F I L E - Y
reporters — still e u p h o r i c f o l l o w i n g their sensational breakthrough — have been s o b e r i n g up, literary brains a r o u n d the G l o b e c o n t i n u e t o a r g u e a s to t h e a u t h e n t i c i t y of t h e tattered manuscript. S o m e c l a i m so strong a r e s e m b l a n c e to the already verified Titus A n a r s o l e a n d T h e V i n t n e r ' s T a i l (a s t o r y o f p r o s t i t u t i o n in a w i n e c e l l a r ) t h a t n o d o u b t e x i s t s in t h e i r m i n d s . F I L E - Y lets you j u d g e f o r y o u r s e l f . The full text:
T
T
)
C r a g e b i e of
pe
jflatforo W'
a play in one page by
Shakesbore
m
Dramatis personae THREE BUTTOCKS:
I) Linga
Longa Lucocke (a power crazed follower of
Mankind
2) "Big J." Shuttlecocke (a bicycle thief) 3) Juan-of-thosc-lhings Harrikryshna (his bicycle) C r a b b e r u s E x t r a c t u s : a fearless bullock hunter and Knight of the Cat M a r y k i n s : support qj Linga Longa Lucocke L i b e r a l g r e a s y Y e l l o w - s t a i n - o n - t he-floor: a slain on I tic carpel SCENE
1 — An open place. - Thunder and
Enter the T H R E E B U T T O C K S , alt vomit 1st Bullock
lighlning.
treacherously
- W h e n s h a l l we i h r e e meet a g a i n ? I n t h u n d e r , l i g h t n i n g o r i n the B a r ?
2nd Bullock
- W h e n (he h u r l y bwrly's d o n e .
When
t h ' e l e e t i o n lost a n d w o n . 3rd Buttock Ist Bullock
That w i l l be ere the set o f s u n
- W h e r e the p l a c e ?
2nd Bullock
-
3rd Bullock
- T h e r e to meet w i t h S m e g m a
In the B a r . Macbroth.
1st Buttock - I c o m e . Q u a y M a r y k i n s ! W o o l ! Y a p , y a p ! All
- B r e n d a n calls " x x x x o i l " — a n o n . — (Ist B l ' T T O C K breaks hind:
2nd Bulliick
- T h y voice hath changed.
3nl Butlm I All
-
grins.
B u i i h y b r c a i h smells the same. YAW is l o u l a n d foul is l a i r , H o v e r t h r o u g h the l o g a n d fillhy V e a l O l d friends w h a t c a n w e
air.
fear?
W e ' l l screw them a l l w i l h conscience clear! ( B L ' T T O C K S vanish up respective orifices, sniggering
CURTAIN
hysterically.
PAGE 6
i M lH
JL
V
J L 2 M \
w
,
by A l a n Wickernifindabog IT'S A L W A Y S I M T E R E S T I N G to have the o p p o r t u n i t y
to
(shock) I only mumble like t h a t w h e n (horror probe) I can't
talk to someone as i l l u s t r i o u s , i m p o r t a n t , and snivelling as
think of anything i n t e r e s t i n g (scandal) to say - o r , i f I did
the E d i t o r o f that august journal, F I L E - X , the medium o f
tell the
literary
John told me that . . .
taste,
artistic
wiI Wf-you-will-squire interview
this
vision, and
shock-horror-probe-l-
e x c r e t a . R e c e n t l y I was a l l o w e d to
ratbag.
It was an
illuminating
iencev as are a l l c o n v e r s a t i o n s w i t h mental
exper-
retards,
of
c o u r s e . L o o k i n g sun-tanned and relaxed, sipping a specially
the
truth,
I'd drop myself right in i t . My
friend
A . W . : Snotgobblers apart though, tell me about F I L E - X . S n o t t l e w a r t : Oh yes (probe). M a g i c . K n o c k o u t . Bogpaper really, but a fantastic
piece of (shock) journal i s m . Real
detective, h i t - e m - w h e r e - i t - h u r t s m u c k - r a k i n g . L o v e d every
prepared c o n c o c t i o n o f tequila and lemonade, w i t h just a dash o f gin (the d i s t i n c t i v e aroma suggested sandy beaches and
creamy
coagulated
abuse)
we
talked
for
(often)
minutes at a t i m e . The full t e x t : A . W . : Good afternoon, M r S h u t t l e c o c k . S h i t t l e c o c k : Shock horror probe horror probe scandal horror shock . . . A.W.:
Perhaps we might think
people might ability
should
start at
the beginning. Many
it odd that someone o f your
have
reached
such
a
limited
pre-eminent
and
W i c k e r n ifindabog minute
of
i t . C a n ' t think why people got upset about
it.
After a l l , it was just a bit o f fun, right? A . W . : Y e s , but what about the people you've maligned without
any
concrete
evidence? H a v e n ' t many
of
your
accusations been based on hearsay and gossip? Snotterwart:
Nonsense. My friends wouldn't
lie
to m e .
They're too honest. I believe everything they say. <\. W .: B u t how can you be sure? S n o t t e r w a r t i s s e r p i m p l e : Horror shock probe scandal bum probe nipples - ooops! A . W . : B a c k to F I L E - X
The Editor of FILE-X
done the
trick
e x c i t i n g station in l i f e as E d i t o r o f F I L E - X . Why do you
elected E d i t o r
think this is?
year.
S p i t t l e c o c k : Scandal horror shock horror p r o b e . Pardon?
Snoddemwart:
A . W . : W h i l s t many regard you as a s c i n t i l l a t i n g
very, very . . .
star,,
a
giant
among
men,
the
intelligentsia
super-
as
for a moment. It seems to have
inasmuch that you've succeeded in being of This
FELIX, FILE-X's is very
sister
t r ue. V e r y , very
paper,, next true. Very,
A . W . : Y o u don't feel that you were cheating at a l l then by
personified by me (blush) - see you as a paper receptacle
mudslinging, I presume? Is your conscience clear?
o f processed meat w i t h as much vitality as a decapitated
S n o d d e r m a n w a r t : O f course my conscience is c l e a r .
f r o g . W h y does this image seem to stick w i t h you?
crystal c l e a r . There is nothing clearer than my conscience.
S h i t t l e b u m : Probe horror horror probe shock probe scandal
A . W . : W i t h a conscience as clear as that, don't you ever
b u m . I beg your shock probe pardon say again? 4 ÂŤ W . : Why do you persist in mumbling
like some gutter
press screamer? Shittlewart:
Probe bum shock
feel s l i g h t l y
transparent?
S n o d d e r m a n - G o m o r r a h : Er . . . horror probe scandal horror
. . . er . . . to tell the truth
It's
4 . W . : Z Z Z Z Z Z Z zzzzzzz
shock horror shock
PAGE 7
SPORT SPORTS ROUNDUP - PROBE - HORROR
National slanging match: shocking dirty probe shock T H I S A L L I M P O R T A N T needle-match b e t w e e n those great finally "Big
rivals,
the
Liberals
and
the
settled a m i d seething controversy J . " Throttleworth
Slanging M a t c h for excitement
winning
:*o
Sensible Party.was
the
last night w ' t h
Nat iona l
Individual
the L i b e r a l s . It was a contest full of
and suspense. F u l l o f high drama and paper
receptacles o f
processed m e a t ,
the
confontation
nearly
resulted in an early upset. The event was w e l l - a t t e n d e d w i t h the large crowd in "Liberal
b u m - b o y " from a certain section o f the stadium. the m a t c h , which
starter. I should've realised that a l l Liberal s are trained to be stone deaf to those sorts o attack
I could handle
one
hardened
he wheezed, cleaning the
L u s t , struggled to keep his c o m p o s u r e . I've been p r a c t i c ing r e c e n t l y .
I was sure I could finish h i m o f f when he hooked me w i t h some t r u c u l e n t
hyperbole and glib non-sequiturs. T h a t ' s
when I blew i t .
I was going to reply w i t h some i r r i t a t ing
innuendo
some heavyweight
but
it by v a c i l l a t i n g
decided
instead
to throw
not
included that
my
at
length w i t h a m i l d
l i c e n c e and a touch o f o v e r k i l l . B u t
prodded him
gritted,
and tears in his eyes, he
sobbed d e s p a i r i n g l y . " H e actually true-blue,
bare-faced,
couldn't believe
in
:
to reveal what had happened. W ith
clenched, teeth
(choke)
unadulterated,
told a f i b . A
rhetorical
fib.
I
i t . I was (choke) shattered. He slammed
in another o f his tricky half-truths whilst
"I made the early running, jabbing away nicely w ' t h
off-the-cuff
"it's
immediate an
L u s t y ' s voice was by now cracking w i t h emotion as
from his f i n g e r n a i l s . The Sensible
irony
like
with
y e a r s . It was a w f u l . "
spectator
a gritty fighter c a l l e d Dunkle " L u s t y "
satire and the biting
something
-
then came the blow below the b e l t . It shook me r i g i d . I've
gently
" A good match I thought,"
concepts. H i s
cliche
never heard anything so dirty in the past three and a hal*
fists
Party p a r t i c i p a n t ,
-
f
conscience isn't c l e a r " , or some such crap - w e l l , I thought
b r a w l , I managed to speak to the v i c t o r . blood c ar ef ull y
a double-reverse
double-negative
described as a "dirty, aggressive, bring-yer-J<nee-up-hard"
dried
of
dose o f dramatic
e x c e l l e n t humour despite the occasional cry o f After
as I c o u l d . I can see now in retrospect that it was a n o n -
I was trying to
recover (sob) and then the referee stopped the m a t c h . O f sod it (sniff). N e x t year I'll bite his legs o f f . " I managed to ask the
victor a final q u e s t i o n . H i s
reply: " O h y e s , o f course i t ' s c l e a r . P e r f e c t l y c l e a r . Nothing at a ! ' bothering ^ e on that s c o r e . "
sensible p o l i t i c a l ideas at him as hard
TCH-
Lust coming off the field
T h r e e b l i n d m i c e , or T h r e e d e m e n t e d rats s i r e d of i m p u r e seed. Y o u r c a n t i n g r a n t i n g assaults m y sensibilities Y o u r c r a s s s h e n a n i g a n s t r y m e too far. Scratch your tinsel counting bricks — Secrets b u i l t as a tottering, tattered Babel. Y o u ' l l be w i s e r one day — In a decade or three. O v e r b l o w n , fat a n d p u f f i n g trite t r i v i a , I've p r o d d e d y o u r b l i m p podge A n d afterwards S c a l d e d the p a l o r m y finger s m e a r e d .
Stride y o u r p r i d e : p i t c h a n d glide. T w i s t the gist o f the t r u t h a n d T h r o t t l e peace — J u s t for a piece o f the action? S c r a g y o u r b r a g g i n g gob. Spit a n d s p r i n t . Y o u r c o u r s e is Racked, cracked and broken. It s p i n s on a spit, a gutted clit, A n e n t r a i l p a s t e d entire. Y o u r t r i c k s shatter — T h e y no longer m a t t e r . Y o u ' r e b u s t e d , b l a s t e d , a n d b l o w n away.
Lunchtime 0'Hatchet-Job