Martians Invade IC F E L I X Editor Implicated A fiendish plot by aliens from Mars to set back scientific advance by an entire generation has been unmasked in the nick of time. The future of mankind now seems secure, although official sources state that 'several have already died' as the result of the infiltration of a cleverly disguised martian into IC Union. The counterfeit human was, it seems, placed in Imperial College some four years ago. The many imperfections in copying humans (most notably the vacant stare) were easily dealt with by the cover story that he was a Cambridge graduate. Once in place, the alien began his brief of seeking information on the musical and sexual habits of humans. Yet, early in 1982, following a spate of U F O sightings, events took a sinister turn. The alien
noticed the difference. The alien then attempted a different track—by taking control of the Union newspaper. A n d the p l a n would have succeeded, were it not for the vigilance of the F E E L S I C K staff. Suspicions were first aroused by the change in colours for the FELIX masthead. It transpired that the Editor could not tell the difference between red and grey (the predominant sky colours in Mars and England) and were furthered by the frequency with which the Editor retired to his office to 'phone home' as well as his ability to control lesser life forms and an uncharacteristic desire to be nice to people in print. But it was not until it was revealed that several students had died of boredom during lectures on Friday mornings that the full extent of the plot was uncovered. Union President Steel Goulies sprang into action, tricking the Editor, Martian , ailure, into the open after only two weeks of being told 'come back on Friday' and 'not now, I'm t^o busy'. Cornered, the martian confessed all -rid is now on display in at the Unnatural History Museum.
End of Term Report had received new orders: to destroy the finest scientific brains in the world. The alien was ideally placed and first attempted mass genocide by poisoning the food in the College refectories. No-one
A new report on future management of College residence has been compiled by Mr J Laureys and is to be published next week. The three volume report includes several recommendations and amendments to previous reports. The most remarkable are in the advice that Weeks Hall should only be made available to
MISSILES ON QUEENS LAWN In secret negotiations during a surprise visit to IC during his whirlwind European tour, US Foreign Secretary George Bush is said to have clinched a deal with the Rector, Lord Flowers to site Cruise and Pershing II missiles at IC. ing tall buildings, thus leaving Said to be worried about the the missiles unharmed (but most anti-nuclear movement making of the surrounding area flatit politically embarrassing to site tened). Understandably, the American Missiles in their army Rector entertained certain bases, the US is considering an misgivings, since one of the alternative deployment strategy buildings involved in this based on dispersal to sites at 'protection' would be 170 present underused in other parts Queensgate, and Lady Flowers of the country. According to our has just had the place resource, the plan is to site a decorated. However, Mr Bush Cruise Missile on the Queen's was able to allay these misLawn, and use the Queen's givings by pointing out that if an Tower as a launching gantry. SS20 explodes on the Queen's The strategy (known as M-X or Lawn, there would be little most exciting) is that any near chance of survival anyway. misses by incoming enemy The planned building work is missiles aimed at the warheads likely to begin in the next session will be deflected by neighbourcontinued on page 3 black gay postgraduate women without A Levels. Preference is of course to be given to lefthanded and vegetarian ones. If there are any rooms remaining, they will probably be rented out to students. No comment was released by the Warder, Dr D Moron, while subwarden Roger Muddlebrick only uttered something incomprehensible in a high pitched tone, probably a line from The Mikado. The report concludes with a fifty page appendix explaining how to spell M r Lauwerys' name.
I Friday, M ar c h 181,19831
John Lauwerys with a summary of his report.
contact with smelly students. The reasons for deciding against standing, I must confess, are purely selfish. Firstly, there aren't enough women here. Secondly, I've no wish to be labelled as a dirty pinko activist. That kind of thing does not go down well with the Freemasons, and I can't risk blotting my copybook there, can I? Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, the elections were last week, and I missed them. Yours sincerely Simon Rodent
Zzzzz, Backing Down Dear Martin I am writing to explain my decision not to stand for ICU President this year. The decision, let me assure you, has been very difficult indeed. I would very much have liked to spend next year in my, own private office with nothing whatsoever to do but drink, sleep, or pontificate, especially as I could then avoid
Dear Editor Private health insurance zzzz zzzz zzz zzzz zzzzzzz South Africa zzz zzzzz zzzz demonstration zzzzz zzz zzz. Sexism zzz zzzz zzz zzzz NUS zzzz zzz zzzz. Zzz zzzz education cuts zzz zzz zzzz zzzz Tory government zzzz zzz zzzz zzzz zzzz Liberals zzzz, zzzz zzzz zzzzz zzzz. Student loans zz z zzzz zzzz-zzzzz Left Alliance zzzz zz JCR lunchtimes zzzz zzz zz zzz. zzzzz zzzzzzzzz Philip Nathan (age 7)
Anarchy and Incest Dear Martin I am for the rights of the individual. I believe in freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Everyone should be allowed to live a morally upright and honest life. Anybody should be allowed to go to bed before 11 o'clock, get up at 7 o'clock, work hard all day and be thankful for being such a moral and upstanding example of humanity. Last night in the Union Bar. 1 saw many people of a supposedly learned Institute drinking, and sitting around talking, and smoking and enjoying themselves. How long will it be before this sort of behaviour leads to anarchy, incest, massive world unemployment and rising damp? The danger cannot be overlooked. It affects the very foundations of our society. I am as much of a problem as anyone. We must fight this decadent erosion of our principles every-
where. Let us boldly go where no man has gone before. Let our minds and tongues be the knee in the groin to all these immoral plebeians. Chartered accountants of the world unite! Yours sincerely Michael P Nouvelhomme Copies have been sent to: Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher's budgie Margaret Thatcher's tortoise all the other Margaret Thatcher sycophants
Election Wrangles Dear Sir As honorary secretary of this union for one more term, I feel that I must complain about the behaviour of Joint Barnite, Welfare Officer (who may well be standing for a sabbatical post next year, along with B Aalam (Mech Eng), J R Abate (Mech Eng), D B Abbey (Biology), C P Abbiss (Civ Eng), Y K Abboud Continued on pages 9-12
Caption Competition
N i g h t l i n e
Confidential help and information 581 2468 My girlfriend's walked out on me I think I'm pregnant My girlfriend's walked out on me and / think I'm pregnant Where can I get hold of the Welfare Officer? I want to be ICU Honorary Secretary I don't want to be ICU Honorary Secretary I am ICU Honorary Secretary My dong has a luminous nose I like Philip Nathan I look like Philip Nathan People keep waking me up to ask for contraceptives I've swallowed a Mooney I think I may be a virgin
Hello, Nightline, can I help you? Page2
Entries to the FELIX Office by the end of term. The winn entry will be published in the first FEELSICK of next te and its writer can expect to receive up to ÂŁ25,000 in libe writs.
March 18 ,1983
FEELSICK
continued from front page under cover of a spurious plan to build an extension to the Lyon Playfair Library, timed for completion during the summer recess so that it can be presented as a fait-accompli to returning students in the Autumn. Little opposition would be expected thereafter due to the platoon of American Marines who would by this time have taken up residence in the Royal School of Mines Library (an apparently little used building).
A-maze-ing Scheme for DoC A new scheme to allow visitors to attempt to find their way round the Huxley Building will raise hundreds of pounds a year for the Department of Computing,
An artist's impression of the new plan.
according to a press release given yesterday by the head of department Professor Management 'Manny' Lehman. Professor Lehman has explained that the Huxley Building is an estimated 300% more complicated than Hampton Court Maze, and it is hoped visitors will become lost for several days, thus boosting the admission charge with profits made in the DoC tea room. The reasons for the complexity of the building are readily apparent. Hector Macaroon Clark of Estates has long since admitted that it was a mistake to cut costs by not employing an architect, and confusion is greatly enhanced by all the rooms looking identical Security Officers will, of course, continue to lock and unlock doors at completely random times, and the new computercontrolled bolts on the doors will greatly assist them in this. It was originally thought that all direction signs would have to be removed, but it has been pointed out that by leaving them alone
Mascotry Bungle
MISSILE
LAUNCH TOWER
EXHAUST DUCT
EXHAUST DEFLECTORS'
COOLANT RESERVOIR
FEELSICK I
A heroic team of RCS Mascoteers entered the RSM building this morning in search of the Day Nursery mascot, a wooden hobby horse named Bill. Having dimly realised their mistake following vicious RSM reprisals, the heroic team, their eyesight dimmed by pornography and covered in vomit, made their way to the day nursery in 8 Princes Gardens. The ensuing battle was described by the nurse-in-charge, Blue Hornett, as 'Utter carnage, there were rusks and bottles flying everywhere'. The RCS mascotry team, armed only with crash helmets, dustbin lids, tear gas and strategic nuclear weapons, were beaten off with only minor cases of total collapse. Undaunted by their total failure the RCS Mascotry team set off for the School of Oriental Descriptive Studies (SODS) to attempt to violate their stuffed vole 'Relish', which they didn't want anyway. Asked to comment on today's events the Welfare Officer, Joint Barnite, said that he was disgusted by the victimisation of children in this way and would be demanding assurances from the Day Nursery that there
March 18:. 1 9 8 3 H H H B 1
further confusion will ensue. The idea for the scheme was originally mooted by Henry J o h n s o n , a lecturer in the department, after two of his students became lost in the corridors and were not seen in the department for many months. It later transpired that they had discovered a little-known route direct to the FELIX Editor's Office. Opposition to the plan has been voiced by two other lecturers in the department. Mr Royf Francis feels that severe illness could result from the prolonged abstinence from alcohol which will result, while Mr Roger Bailey has threatened to distribute maps to students who voted for Colin Cooper in the sabbatical elections. Andy Grimshaw has refused to comment on this, saying that it could prejudice the election results. Last week a F E E L S I C K photographer visited the Huxley Building to investigate the maze of little twisting passages, but at the time of writing he had not returned. would be no attempt to victimise the children should they attempt another raid. A spokesman for RCS had just enough time to call for another pint before throwing up and descending into alcoholic stupor. Steel Goulies, the Union President, stated that he was 'shocked and dismayed' by the incident and would be grovelling to the rectum about it over sherry the following day. Andy Grimshaw declined to comment saying that to do so COU'J prejudice the election results.
Particle Found at IC A new particle has been discovered by a team from IC theoretical physics group. The particle, one of the nausitron family, has been dubbed the cregg. It is approximately 50g in mass, big enough to be visible with the naked eye and without obvious charm, spin or strangeness. The particles are however brightly coloured and spheroid in shape. After the discovery at the Southside Shop there have been many more reports of sightings, mainly in newsagents, confectioners and supermarkets. Other larger nausitrons have also been discovered as well as a rather rarer green cregg.
I Page3
AGENDA 1. Meeting opens at 1:06pm. 2. Minutes of last meeting. 3. Matters arising 4. President's Report 5. S T O I C monitor shows Kenny Everett show 6. Audience begin to titter 7. Chairman shouts 'Order'. 8. Someone calls back 'Mine's a Pint'. 9. D P ' s Report 10. Paper Aeroplane lands in Waste Paper Basket. 11. Chairman laughs, then becomes annoyed when others laugh. 12. Honorary Secretary's Report 13. Audience break into loud snores. 14. C C U Reports 15. Loud cheers when Nigel Walls speaks. 16. Chairman turns purple with rage shouting for order. 17. Other Officer's Report 18. Procedural Motion that Jon Barnett be not heard. Passed unanimously. 19. Procedural Motion that Phil Nathan's motion be heard next. 20. Procedural Motion that Phil Nathan be not heard. 21. Procedural Motion rejected, Chairman's ruling challenged. 22. Chair handed to Stephen Goulder. 23. Nick Pyne tells Stephen Goulder what to do. 24. Speeches 25. Call for second round of speeches. 26. Speech in favour of a second round of speeches. 27. F E L I X Editor trips over S T O I C camera crew 'accidentally'. 28. Speech' against. 29. Vote on whether a second round of speeches be allowed in deciding whether Nick Pyne's ruling that the procedural motion preventing Phil Nathan from speaking be not heard be upheld. 30. Audience explain this to Stephen Goulder. 31. Vote taken. 32. Someone calls for card vote. 33. Recount 34. Result about to be announced when someone calls 35. Quorum 36. Someone tries to steal Mike 37. Stephen Goulder closes meeting
electioneering bias. Sometimes 1 wonder why I stood for this post—all I get out of it is a year to study lor o\.ims. a lice room in Hall and all the sherry I can drink at 4:30 on Fridays. 1 can't even write my own page in F E L I X without the Editor correcting .ill the mistakes in it. I wouldn't mind if the President did half as much as mc. but he's hardly got any work to do, and I've got piles.
Motion on Paper used for Exec News Proposed by: Rick O'Shea I C U Notes: 1. The paper used for Exec News is of a harsh angular quality. 2. The F E L I X Editor always has his persona] supply of Exec News printed on soft tissue. 3. Exec News paper is extremely uncomfortable for those of us with sensitive skin. I C U Believes: 1. The increase in cost of printing soft Exec News would not be excessive. 2. It would make many more people sit up and take notice of Exec News. I C U Instructs: 1. A l l Exec News to be printed on top quality Kleenex Super Soft. 2. Exec News to be distributed liberally at key points around College.
Motion on Paul Simion Proposed by: P Simion Seconded by: P Simion I C U Notes: 1. That in the last week Paul Simion has attempted to start a general strike, produced a pornographic magazine, blown up 170 Queensgate, abseiled up the Queen's Tower and run naked along the Sherfield Walkway. 2. That in spite of this, Paul Simion has not been mentioned in the College media for almost a week. 3. That Paul Simion is standing for the post of U G M Chairman. I C U Believes: That I need all the publicity I can get.
President's Report Since I last reported to you snivelling plebs my action on your behalf, I have again been occasionally using my vastly superior intellect to the advantage of my undeserving minions. However, I must protest that my enormously important cogitations are frequently being disturbed by some of you underlings daring to enter my office and even, on occasion, speaking to me! H o w am I supposed to solve the problems of the ordinary student when students keep interrupting to tell me what they think their problems are? It's quite clear that I know far better than any of you peasants where the trouble lies. It may not immediately be apparent to your miniscule brains that drinking sherry and tea with the Rector enable me to improve the lot of the ordinary student, but this is only because I promised John Smith I wouldn't tell you. It really becomes obvious when you're President why these things are so essential, especially when you're a wise and benevolent President like me. DP's Report The plans for the 1983 redecoration of the Union Office are now finished, and I am already taking suggestions for 1984, 1985 and 1986. The Deputy President's office will be equipped with a Regency three piece suite for entertaining important guests, while the President's room will be fitted with a bedroom area for times when the strain of work becomes too great. Jen Hardy-Smith's room will have a new oak-panelled sherry cabinet for storing the Union's oak-panelled sherry. A l l this will mean that no work can be done redecorating the F E L I X Office until 1993 at the earliest, but it may be possible to change the straw in the Editor's office later this year. This is now becoming an urgent necessity since it has not been changed since Steve Marshall's year. Complaints have been received about the P A system in the Lower Refectory; apparently the volume has dropped to such a level that normal conversation is sometimes possible and on occasions announcements have been almost comprehensible. I hope to rectify this as soon as possible. Honorary Secretary's Report Well, since the last U G M , as usual, I've been watching the President do all the interesting and important jobs and letting him push the boring stuff on to me. I've sat in my office and watched the Gestetner going round, and I've copied up dozens of reports and minutes of meetings, carefully vetting all of them for
I C U Instructs: That this motion be printed in six-inch high letters in Exec Snooze.
Motion on FELIX Proposed by: Gerard le Wett I C U Notes: 1. That on the masthead of F E L I X it states F E L I X . 2. That the copy deadline is three weeks before publication. 3. That in most student newspapers the deadline is two days after the publication. 4. That last year the copy deadline was noon Wednesday. 5. That last year the copy deadline was noon Monday. 6. That last year the copy deadline was 3am, Shrove Tuesday. I C U Believes: 1. That at least two of the statements 4, 5 or 6 above are falsities, but I have not the faintest idea which. 2. That three weeks ago when I submitted an indefinite article for insertion in the Christmas F E L I X , the Editor fell about laughing. I C U Instructs: 1. Either a) The masthead is changed to 'Guildsheet' or b) That F E L I X is lowered to the standard of other student newspapers in London or c) The Union be run on the Julian calendar.
Bye Law Changes First Reading Proposed bv: J P Stanley No 1 17f Delete 'Forbidden except when discreet and unavoidable' and insert 'compulsory'. Voting Schedule Amendment Proposed by: D r Livingstone I Presume Delete J P Stanley An Existentialist Motion Proposed by: J P Sartre ICU instructs that this motion be not heard.
Game Review 'College Secretary' produced by Flowers & Flowers, cost: £25,000 per year. An excellent exercise in lateral thinking this, designed to stretch one's patience to the limit. The game is simple to explain, and is played with only two players. One player (the 'student') phones up the other (the 'secretary') and asks to speak to the Rector. The secretary^ must then make up some excuse to expiain why the student cannot speak to him (he^s having a meal, in a meeting, just popped out for a minute), to be said in a very bored voice, while filing nails and apply maHflrarj^prhe student can then try one of several options; he can ask when the Rector will bfHri, h^Ban try to arrange an appointment, or he can try to get hold of someone lower down the hierarchy The game is finished when either 1) The student dies, either fro boredom or starvation, in which c. student loses. 2. The secretary admits thatmie per: student is trying to get hold of is either di does not exist, in which case the student and can write a letter to Feelsick or Lon Student. 3. T h e student ends up aski^te the secretary's advice, in which case the secrclj^y wins and his/her prize is the opportunity to incredibly rude to the student before slamming the phone down, or 4. The secretary runs out of excuAs, uses the same excflBkwice, or actuajlu p u t t i e student through,' in which case the secretary loses, and starts looking for another job. In short, then, an entertaining game with plenty of scope for lying, deceit, fraud and cheating, and, for the average student, is an excellent training ground for would-be Union Officers.
Steady as a Rock Rocky XXXIV directed, produced, etc, etc by Slyvester Stayalone, now playing to almost no-one at all. Well, that great screen pugilist is at it again, as having been heavyweight champion for the last fifty years, some young sprat challenges for his title. This time it's going to be the end for Rocky Bilbo Baggins; this time he's gonna be laid on the deck. But Rocky's problems are not just confined to the boxing ring. His wife has run off for a frolic in the Caribbean sunshine with Prince William, his manager has been placing sidebets with the mafiosa and earth is in imminent danger of being invaded by extraterrestrials who were a bit upset about their phone bill. No effort has been spared ,to give the plot a little bit of everything and this effect is enhanced by the driving, hit theme tune 'Dentures of a Tiger'. But we must ask ourselves whether Mr Stayalone is a believable hero. He stands before us, sagging paunch, withered limbs and arthritic joints, obviously feeling the pace of so many years at the top of his profession. You remember how in Rocky XXXII he won by putting his opponent in a coma by telling his life story, and in Rocky XXXIII where his opponent was unaware that Bilbo had a bionic kneecap, he got involved in a fight from which FEELSICK I
his nether regions will never recover. Well, I don't wish to give the plot away, but, as usual, I shall: unless Mr Stayallone wants to explore the world of the supernatural, or has a snappy line in reincarnation, then we will be spared Rocky XXXV. I hope so at least. Next week: The End of Man, A land Fit For Women from the h a n d c r a n k e d film cooperative and tractor collective which I will review in my u s u a l s e x i s t and highly derogatory fashion. Lee Ponnem
Business The soloists in Bach's Double Violin Concerto returned to the platform no less than fortyeight times. All in all, a most enjoyable concert with considerable sensitivity shown when the strings were exposed, and with a massive punch in the tuttis from the brass.
Bookshop News in Eflat (the Erotica) by Beethoven (Op 36-24-36); Double Violin Concerto in A flat by J S Bach (BMW 4V1); Concerto for Buffoon, Pandemonium and Orchestra (K273 proof) by PDQ Bach. IC Symphony Orchestra, solo buffoon Stephen Goulder. As most of you will be aware, Beethoven originally dedicated his Erotica symphony to Napoleon, but tore up the dedication in a fit of rage when he heard that Napoleon had been making advertisements for C o u r v o i s i e r brandy. For this reason, if for no other, it was an excellent choice of opening work in this concert by Imperial College S y m p h o n y Orchostra, as it was then called, and still is. The second choice of work was, however, not so fortuitous. It was not that the double c o n c e r t o in A flat was unsuited to the orchestra's obvious talents, but more in the choice of the flat they used, and it transpired Room 41 Montpelier Street was not big enough to house the soloists, let alone the orchestra or audience. But it was back to the concert hall for P D Q Bach's celebrated concerto for buffoon, pandemonium and orchestra which brought the evening to a rousing c l i m a x. I was particularly struck by the timpanist in the allegro immoderato con brillo, but regained c o n s c i o u s n e s s sufficiently to enjoy the menuetto con panno e zucchero. Finally during the vivace liberace the conductor's braces became so entangled in his music stand that during the ovation which followed he 2
0
It seems that many of you are beginning to find your way about the Bookshop too easily. Indeed, even Andy Grimshaw can often go unerringly to the correct shelf without wandering round in circles looking lost. To improve this situation, we had planned to redistribute the books randomly throughout the shop, but it was pointed out that this would make very little difference. Instead, since the turnstiles are now proving mosi ineffective in keeping customers away, we have decided to electrify them and have the B o o k s h o p patrolled by alsatians during opening hours. Finally, as has frequently been pointed out in FELIX, we do keep stationary; we would lik<? to point out, however, that this does not apply to the Bookshop Manager who has a tendency to fall over occasionally, especially after lunch on Fridays. Best Selling Slim Volumes The Captain Lindley Ready Reckoner How to Make Friends and Influence Peop/e-Pallab Ghosh Your Guide to Crowd Control - Nick Pyne The Rector's Joke Book The Dieter's Guide to Weight Loss During Sex - Steve Marshall The Concise Stephen Goulder The Jo Hewanicka Information Guide The Wit and Wisdom of Gareth Fish Jimmy's Thesaurus The WIST Sex Manual
I would like Philip Nathan to stop complaining about.... Name Department Please cut out this form and send it to Philip Nathan, IC Union, where it will be dealt with as soon as possible.
I March 181,19831
• • • • H H k V H H H i
Page 5
<rio
McGALLION Prince Consort Road SW7 Tel: 589 5111 ( O p p o s i t e U p p e r L o u n g e , 2 m i n s from S o u t h K e n s i n g t o n tube)
NEW the C R I S T E L L A SHERRY AND WINE BAR Offering exactly the same service as you've always had, but at a much higher price!
INTRODUCING OFFICE HOURS 4:30-5:30 Opening: July 1 Sherry at £1.20 Coffee at 80p NEW YEAR OFFER: H A C K S NIGHT MONDAY SHERRY FREE A L L NIGHT 6:00-11:00pm
Small Ads • F o r s a l e six r e a m s e l e c t i o n publicity; suit potential P r e s i d e n t i a l c a n d i d a t e named Simon Rodan. • i Q u i e r e n lo t r a b a j o ? P o r muy gran dinero y p e q u e n o trabayo otro al insult a los e s t u d i a n t e s , VI al refectorio 6 telefonar s e h o r M o o n e y . • W a n t e d Double ended conductor's b a t o n . Offers to D o n M o n r o urgently. • T h e P y t h o n w o u l d like t h e G r e e n H i p p o to k n o w that inflatable p u s s y cats are available from A n g i e of L i n s t e a d c / o the Fifth h o r s e m a n of the apocalypse. • D o e s no o n eelse think J o h n M c C a l l i o n l o o k s like a z e b r a ? • N o w available from Student S e r v i c e s : y o u r o w n inflatable Welfare O f f i c e r . C o m e s in t w o v e r s i o n s : s t a n d a r d plump a n d c u d d l y , with realistic short brown curly hair, a n d the deluxe extra inflatable with n a t u r a l - l o o k i n g r e c e d i n g hairline. • I ' m s o r r y I haven't a c l u e J o H e w a n i c k a i n her o w n s h o w , IC U n i o n Office every lunchtime. • B o n d a g e ? T h e Welfare O f f i c e r h a s just received fresh s u p p l i e s . H u r r y w h i l e s t o c k s last
P a g e 61
Poetry Corner So farewell then Old executive And
Monday ALL DAY
Sponsorship Collection for
FEELSICK Editor's Bolivia Fund. -A good FEELSICK Editor makes even more enemies.
1230h
It sounds like The beginning of A joke. Kevin's mum says It probably Is. E J Brannick (17 after reallocation)
JCR & Walkway
0930h
Beit Arch
Cycle Ride 'Navigation for
Seduction' Tour of London's cobbled roads. Bring women and tandems. Come at whatever time you like. 1100h Morethanenough House Catholic Morass, bring a bottle of Communion wine.
Dyslecksick Anurkists Demmo
301m MW
-Keep your chins to the ground
1100h
1812h
Quiet Room
IC Radio All the week's programmes broadcast together.
Wind Band Rehearsal. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture with live cannon and mortar effects. Meet in Quiet Room.
-If the timetable gave you mental indigestion, try Fourier analysing this lot.
1900h
Elec Eng 408
Wellsoc A G M — Another , chance to hear Pallab Ghosh tell the wide mouthed editor joke.
1930h
Elec Eng 408
Wellsoc Film The Island of
Doctor Monreau. The classic grisly tale of vivisection. The evil Dr Monreau stabs his friends in the back to become Senior Warden in a desperate effort to complete his life's work by murdering the Hall cat. Not for those with a weak stomach.
1300h Union SCR Wargames Club meeting. Bring a battle.
1715h
Union Lift
Squash Club Bring a bottle of squash.
Thursday 1230h
J C R
NITPIC weekly meeting
-Weak stomach? Me??? No, f'm throwing it up just as far as he is!
1300h
Saturday
1300h
Welcome New executive Two women And A n Irishman
Everywhere
Sunday
Greek Committee Room
Debating Society Mass Debate Feel free to come if you like. Bot Zoo
Unnatural History Society
Lecture on Animal Husbandry
0100h
Beit Arch
IC Mountaineering Club Tour
of Queen's Bedroom. Meet Beit Arch 0100h. Bring grappling hooks, ropes, etc. Wine and cigarettes provided.
1300h TV Lounges A G N O S T O I C with Lawrence Windbag.
1330h
JCR & Walkway
JCR
Dead Anarchists' Demo. Keep your shoulderblades to the ground.
Gay Disco including merry dancing, jolly bopping, happy singing, cheerful jiving, etc.
-Dead Anarchists tell no tales, nor do they scream when you step on them.
2000h
I H H H H B i March \8\,
19831
I FEELSICK
" Y O U WON'T B O T H E R ! "
Wednesday 1300h
Great Hall
NIGHT
JCR
Party Orgynised by Dancing Club.
ALL DAY Beit Quad
C u b & Brownie C l u b Slide
PHYSICS
I %^
'Is this what they mean by a blow job?' Welfare Officer Jon Barnett demonstrates the size of his prowess at the contraceptive inflating competition, Beit Quad, Tuesday.
Show. Members of the club took over 200 slides on last week's outing to Woburn Abbey. These will be on display, together with 48 sets of swings, eight see-saws, fourteen rocking horses and one of those conical roundabouts. 1830h JCR Bronze medal bellydancing
class. Bring your own belly. Music Room 53 Princes Gate
1330h
Lunch-time recital David Bugle (double reed slide music stand), Helen Crass (bagpipe d'amore) and Peter Hoax (bargain counter tenor) will play the Pervertimento by P D Q Bach and the Peruckenstuck (Hair Piece) from Klark Kant's 'The Civilian Barber'. 1800h TV Lounges
2000h
G
1230h
Downtrodden Anarchists Demo
1230h Union Bar
Mech Eng 220
Hypnosis Lecture by FELIX
Editor Martian Failure. -If you find normal lectures a bore, try staying awake at this!
Today 1230h
13 Oil
H B H M H H
The Horns of OBSCURITY
Greek Committee Room
Frog-tasting Society This week, the lesser spotted widemouthed boghopper (rana ghoshii pallabinensis)
2200h Falmouth Kitchens
FEELSICK
-A good FELIX Editor makes a lot of friends, a bad FELIX Editor makes even more!
-This will be between Guilds and Mines as RCS have had to withdraw at the last minute.
1230h
meeting. Bring trinkets, ornaments.
Collection for FELIX Editor's entertainments, socialising and womanising fund.
Coi.naceptive Infiatin. Competition Bring your own pills.
-A good Grot's On disorganiser makes plenty of enemies!
JCR
Everywhere & Anywhere
Great Hall
Ogling Club meeting near Alan's Bar. Bring fieldglasses, telephoto lenses.
N I C N A C ( B L U T A C ) weekly
ALL WEEK
Baliha'i S^ ; meeting with Roger Konc .
1800h
JCR
dancing class. Spectators ÂŁ2.50. Dirty macs provided.
JCR &. Walkway
1930h 1930h
1930h JCR Exotic, g o - g o and striptease
Yesterday Keep your elbows to the ground.
Social Club meeting in the Thermonuclear Arms.
a
a
EUPHEMISTOIC A second chance to miss what you didn't want to see at lunchtime.
Seal Bashers' and Hunters'
e
H ,! IC Choir All night rehearsal Haydn's Pukenmesse (HalfNelson Mass)
Pedal C a r C l u b Collection
to fund trip round Britain's coastline in a lifeboat to raise money for another Pedal Car.
Glue Run Take glue and paint stripper to London's down-andout soupaholics.
I March 18i, 19831
4k RAM IPage7
TAIKABOUTWH00PS£C by Mobile
In pursuit of culinary excellence in the South Kensington area, I have so far overlooked a hidden delight just off Exhibition Road. Indeed from my exhalted position I only got to hear of the high reputation of this establishment by word of mouth. I decided to try anyway. To reach the restaurant you must make your way to the basement of a marvellous period 1960s edifice. Don't be put off by the gloom of the staircase—the atmosphere of the salle is far brighter being of the fluorescent tube and uncomfortable 'comfy' chair type. The extensive menu is written on a charmingly ethnic, but totally illegible blackboard and repeated on several appallingly typed, greasy cards. After much discussion with people in front of me in the queue, we discovered the choice was Cat Meal Rool (I am told this is legendary), Gristleburger (with two dried semitoasted bottom halves of buns), brown slurry and rice (or is it mashed potato?) or delicately crisped, nay subtly blackened, pizza. 'Next!' came the cry from an ogre behind the counter wearing a filthy apron. 'Cat Meat Pie, please' I replied. ' Que?' 'C-A-T M-E-A-T P-I-E'. I was greeted by a totally blank expression and resorted to sign language. A portion was dumped unceremoniously on my plate, followed by a portion of limp, greasy chips and a red slurry of what I assumed had once been baked beans. All this in spite of my protestations that I wanted boiled potatoes and peas. Next came the choice of dessert—there was pink stodge, brown stodge or white stodge (which on closer inspection was revealed as brown slodge with a healthy layer of penicillin growing on it). I chose the brown stodge and a slice of custard. 6
Moving to the till I was greeted by a strange serving crone who cackled merrily as she punched in the numbers. '£5.37,' she cried merrily. I tried to complain but she merely replied that the machine was set up to charge set prices for each item and that was that. Eventually I paid and made my way to a seat. Being thoroughly famished now, I tucked into my food with gusto, washing it down with a polystyrene mugfull of fruity warm water. Immediately I felt my stomach churning and rushed to the gents, followed by hoots of 'don't worry it tastes as good coming up as it does going down'. All in all, the food was appalling and very poor value, but my 63p change was just enough to hire a taxi down to St Stephens where they have a specialist food poisoning dept and a stomach pump.
I
Myopics
lite.
This week I am pleased to be able to tell you about a peerless exhibition—it consists entirely of blank canvasses, so you don't need to peer at them because you won't be missing anything. The exhibition consists of canvasses by such great canvas stretchers as Paulet Tite and Thor Tlinen and it can be thought of as a general comment on the politico-socioeconomic implications of Edward IPs Welsh Subdial policy. (On the other hand, if your marbles are not stored with Elgin's at the British Museum, you probably won't share that interpretation and will see it as merely another display of phony art put on by a load
of social security claimants masquarading as sexually deviant artists (or vice versa) in order to dupe the man in the street into parting with his hard earned cash). However, the atmosphere of the exhibition cannot be ignored—the entire place is full of bloated foreigners breathing heavily and spicily and the air is redolent with cummin, fenugreek, garlic and jasmine. In fact, seeing that all the canvasses are blank, it's surprising that no one has yet complained about the overtly racist complexion of the exhibition. One final point: owing to the paranoia of many of the artists displaying, no writing implements are allowed into the exhibition building, so if you enjoy being fondled all over by a strapping six foot negro in uniform you won't be disappointed. What, When, Where, Why, Whence, Wherefore? 'Canvassing' is in Darlington this month, is absolutely free and is supported by all three main political parties. Next Week's Solution
IXIXMC1N I was in the Feelsick Office the other day and met Mr Whow in there running off some receipts on the printing machine. He greeted me cordially and asked me to inspect his artwork. 'Very good,' I agreed, 'but isn't having the writing at 30° to the edges a little avant-garde even for the Ministeral Print?' Just then Mr Pardon walked into me 'I beg your paddon,' he began (having a cold) and then he laid eyes on the document in my hand. Recovering himself he turned to Mr Whow and asked how much the notes had cost to produce. 'Do you mean all of them?' asked Mr Whow evasively. 'No,' snuffled Mr Pardon striding forward to point at the counter on the machine 'I am talking about dis count.' At this Mr Whow became very edgy and quickly left the office. So my question this week is 'If £20 is less than £85, and £85 is more than £45, why is Andy Grimwash changing his name to Andy Whitewash?' Answers to Elections Committee on the back of a forged receipt please. The prize for this week's question will be a bill for £65 donated by Minist-e-Rial Print. Last Week's Solution Space Filler Last week's problem was very difficult and this was because I failed to tell you that Christine Deepee was the one taking up too much room—in fact she was the waste of space!
The winner is P Nocchio who wins a £5,000 cheque and a holiday in the Bahamas and two free platform tickets to next term's Choir concert.
M M Diagram 1
z
dH =M dt 0
0
j
No footrot this week, since I won't be able to construct any more until next term when I will have free time during exams I can't do.
FEELSICK is published by the Editor and is distributed free because of a special 'discount' which was 'arranged' at the 'discretion' of the Print Until Manager, who is happy to allow similar 'discounts' to anyone who grants him certain 'favours', wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean squire.I